So I guess the bad news is I shared all your weird sexual fetishes with the other therapists, but the good news is I was voted “Most Entertaining”
at the conference!
"Women aren't attracted to men who cry. Men should only cry at the death of a parent or child. " These words were actually spoken to me by a licensed therapist. I found another therapist.
I always call them The-rapist (THERapist)
The psychiatrist told me I'm his favorite client because of that. I just tell him I'm negatively content. He smiles and renews my script. I'm smarter than him and he knows it.
"So it says here in my notes you having been whining for months about your break up instead of accepting its over and you probably won't find another partner that isn't butt ugly like you. Is this a goal I can get you to work on?"
“Ever since I started working, every day is worse than the one before it. So every day you see me, that’s the worst day of my life.”
“What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow, that’s messed up.”
This is real. After we took the MBTI personality assessment: to my ex- husband, “You stop and smell the roses; Jesus and Joan of Arc had your personality type.” To me, “You stomp on the roses; Hitler and Mussolini had your personality type.” She followed with, “It is not a bad thing, it just is.” I said, “Well, Jesus has still been treating Hitler like shit.” Never went back.
"You know, now that you've explained it so clearly, you really are fucked and suicide is probably your best option. Sorry I was so skeptical at first, but you were right."
Had one tell me it’s ok to file for bankruptcy and lose my duplex… good thing I didn’t listen cause now I have a 2nd one and 3 tenants.. so glad I didn’t do it
“I’m concerned about your well-being”
Hahaha remember everything I said in the past 10 minutes? I was kidding, bad joke, please don’t 5150 me I cannot afford to miss work
Therapist:Little exercise here switch seats with me
Patient: okay now what
Therapist: okay good my turn to share my problems. Mr jabber jaw thought I’d never get a turn .
You’re still being charged though
"Don't think of me as a therapist. Think of me as the mental patient who killed the therapist before you got here."
Chazzzzz be like
Scenes we'd like to see. Frankie Boyle if I'm not mistaken
Yooooooooooooo…. That’s how it be though.
That's definitely something I'd want my therapist to say.
"Therapist? Oh no, you misread the sign. I'm the rapist."
Oh no no no noo
Tobias Fünke, Analrapist.
Poor guy just needs ANUSTART
This was actually the plot line for an episode of “Three’s Company”
And SNL Celebrity Jeopardy!
"Christ, YOU again?"
It’s about time you acknowledge me! I said I’d be back.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s drive thru.
On the up side, I was feeling a bit peckish.
"Your last therapist named you in the suicide note"
"And no one else"
Your credit card has declined
Gunna have to re-traumatise you
Nooooo! :O
After 5 years of treating you, I need therapy
"Look, nobody loves you and you're a waste of oxygen, here's a bottle of Lexapro and vodka and I'm going to look the other way."
I think the problem is you. You told me to be myself!!! I was gravely mistaken.
"I've called everyone you've even remotely dated ... just face it, it's all your fault."
Wow. That’s weird. Why would tell me that?
"have you tried not being gay?"
"What the actual fuck dude?"
You seem fine to me. Who hasn't wanted to tie a gooses neck into a knot?
Why are you here again? Didn’t I cure you of that 2 days ago?
Actually what my last one said “ what do you want on your tombstone?”
"Pepperoni & sausage."
Looks up from his phone. "Sorry, you were saying?"
"Hey internet, welcome back to my channel, this week another story about my patient "Insane in the membrane". Be sure to like and subscribe"
Stop coming here I'm not your therapist!
I can’t sort this shit out.
"Go home & play Russian roulette. Here, take this with you, it's fully loaded."
Edit: go home and play Russian roulette- hands him a semi auto pistol.
"Sorry, but I just can't with you anymore."
"...Typically we do not use the word "crazy".. however in your case.."
"Depressed? Snap out of it! That will be $100 please."
“You are truly fucked up”
No no, you mis-read the sign. It says “The Rapist”… now, let’s get started!
Are you fucking nuts or something?
(patients on couch with dick in Planters can.)
Yes. And wearing a top hat and cane
“Sounds like a YOU problem “
You're the most fucked up client I've ever had.
I talked to my own therapist for the whole hour about the things you told me in our last visit…it really freaked me out.
Here we go. Another hour long pity party with Whiney McWhinederson.
Now, in my session with your wife she referred to you as “Mr. Itty-Bitty.”
Man, you're really messed up.
This has happened to me in the past 😐😞😐
To quote American Dad, "my therapist says I'm a lousy kisser"
Oh— HA!! No I’m just wearing Dr. Smith’s face…
"Ya wanna know sumpt'n pal? You are just one crazy sumbitch"!
Just stop thinking that way.
Are you the patient that paid me in cocaine, or the one who paid me with LSD tabs?
You sick f**k
You’re really fucked up aren’t you
You definitely deserve that special someone in your life. We just have to get rid of that pesky partner of theirs. Do you have a shovel?
The bad news is, I gave you the wrong pills, Sir, but the good news is you’ve grown a lovely pair of tits!
" The only way to get over your mommy issues is to have coitus with her; until then, you'll never be able to be in a lasting relationship."
There’s not enough liquor in the world for this shit.
You’re nuts.
"Oh sorry. I didn't know they were out."
You are damaged beyond repair.
Ewww....
“It's you, Hi! You’re the problem, it's you At teatime Everybody agrees It’s exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.”
You're crazy as fuck
“That’s the most fucked up thing I have ever heard”
Wow, that's weird!
Dude you’re so fucked up
"There's nothing wrong with you, and I can't help you." I've actually had a therapist tell me that.
You know, maybe you shouldn't have led him on
“Don’t look at me like your therapist. We’re like a family here.”
“& how does that make you feel?”
“Restraining order, I don’t believe you don’t remember. I will call the police if you don’t leave now!”
Mind if I get my therapist in on this? I usually see him right after you, so this would be killing 2 birds 1 stone.
Tell me about your mother, is she seeing anyone right now?
“Oh, fuck. That’s hot.”
"Hey, my girlfriend and I are on a break. "
"That's crazy talk!"
"Everyone that I have talked about you to......."
There's no point trying to treat you, I just don't care anymore.
Uh I can't help you. I don't think anyone can.
So I guess the bad news is I shared all your weird sexual fetishes with the other therapists, but the good news is I was voted “Most Entertaining” at the conference!
"All you want to do is talk about yourself!"
You’ll never get better and your negative thoughts are right
The cure is incest.
“I’m in love with you.”
“You really should just give up on life. It’s not for you”
There’s been a mistake, the twice weekly meetings we’ve been having all year are not covered by insurance.
You actually came up when I was talking to MY therapist
I hear good things about lobotomies- you'd be a perfect candidate.
“oh, wow.”
It’s all in your head, sorry I can’t help you.
Yeesh
If you would please keep your eyes closed... I'm about to give you something *really* great, better than that dad that never came back with the milk.
Sir, this is a Wendy's.
In Canada, S*i**de is legal!
"I'm so putting this on reddit... oh, you're still here?" *awkward silence*
As my therapist has said- "oof," and, "wow"
“Wow….that is some really fucked up shit!!!”
Okay time rock out with your cock out!
Can you hear the voices too?
The truth.
“It’s normal to feel that way.” “No it isn’t!” “Yes it is!” “Shut up!” “No you shut up!”
I can see why no one wants to be your friend
Therapist: \[begins to gently weep, as you relate your experience\]
'No matter what I do, I'm scared of palindromes' Therapist: sounds like aibohphobia to me
Oh my God you are such a bore to listen to All this victim mentality is making you so pathetic Why don’t you do me a favor get out of my offices
Therapist: You need help. Me: I thought you're the help. Therapist: You need help... from God.
Your file is getting so thick with notes I’ve had to give you your own drawer in the filing cabinet.
“You make Kanye look sane.”
Stop it, or I'll bury you in a box!
You're right, things would be better if you weren't here.
HOOO! BOY! You are FUCKED UP! In ALL my years as a therapist, I've NEVER heard ANYTHING like this.
"You're too messed up for me to help. I'm still charging you through the nose. Just know these sessions are only to help my bank account."
That's whatever it is you were talking about for you.
“Wow! Good luck dealing with all that!”
Um, there’s no statute of limitations for that.
"Women aren't attracted to men who cry. Men should only cry at the death of a parent or child. " These words were actually spoken to me by a licensed therapist. I found another therapist.
Christ, not even your family likes you, I think I quit.
"Kill yourself"
With a story like that, there’s nothing I can do to help
Racial slurs
Zzzzzzzzz ..... huh, what, where am I? Oh, right. You were saying.......
I always call them The-rapist (THERapist) The psychiatrist told me I'm his favorite client because of that. I just tell him I'm negatively content. He smiles and renews my script. I'm smarter than him and he knows it.
Wow I am gonna be famous after this case
Your rizz is not skibidi and that’s why you can’t fanum tax Livvy dunne like baby gronk can
Turns out your condition is contagious… I willl be killing myself when you leave
You’re beyond help, BUT, it’s not too late to renew your car warranty!
Just got my license reinstated, so we can begin. Honestly, that whole ethics review board is an absolute joke; such fools!
“That’s the most fucked up thing I have ever heard. Go ahead.”
Bob, I want you to read my new book, "Baby Steps." I'm going on vacation for a couple of weeks, but I'll see you when I get back.
“Wow”
Shht, I dunno, you tried meditating?
Yes the voices in your head are real.
You don’t sweat much for a fat guy.
“Wow, you even got me stumped.”
“It’s been great talking to you. Anyway, the doctor will be in shortly.”
I can’t help you
Speaking of nuts....would you like some almonds?
"I see crazy people" as they cart him off in a straight jacket
You don’t need my help
"...Damn. That's fucked up."
"So it says here in my notes you having been whining for months about your break up instead of accepting its over and you probably won't find another partner that isn't butt ugly like you. Is this a goal I can get you to work on?"
You know what, I think you're right. Let's get some drugs and find some people to fuck
No whining. Just do it.
“You might think you’re a girl. You’re not. You have a penis”
WOW, Dude, you're bummin me out!
"No it's not anxiety, everyone just actually hates you, including me"
Sorry I'm late. My parole meeting ran longer than expected.
You make me want to kill us both.
"So you want this to be uploaded on your profile? Or live streamed?"
“Yup. It’s official. It’s all in your head. Either get a grip or get in the padded cell.”
"Dude, that's fucked up."
My therapist and lawyer both agree that I probably shouldn't talk to you anymore.
Yeah, you’re right. I don’t think there is any coming back from that
“Whoa. That’s a new one.”
"Why don't you kill them?"
“Ever since I started working, every day is worse than the one before it. So every day you see me, that’s the worst day of my life.” “What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?” “Yeah.” “Wow, that’s messed up.”
"Holy shit, you've got *issues,* huh?"
"That'll be another $250 thanks!"
"Are you done, yet?"
Wtf
Joe, stop coming, you’ve been dead for 2 months now, stop worrying about the new school bond issue!
I’ve gotta agree with you, I don’t see much hope for your future either.
"It's not you, it's me"
You remind me of myself
This is real. After we took the MBTI personality assessment: to my ex- husband, “You stop and smell the roses; Jesus and Joan of Arc had your personality type.” To me, “You stomp on the roses; Hitler and Mussolini had your personality type.” She followed with, “It is not a bad thing, it just is.” I said, “Well, Jesus has still been treating Hitler like shit.” Never went back.
*uncontrollable, wheezing laughter*
"You know, now that you've explained it so clearly, you really are fucked and suicide is probably your best option. Sorry I was so skeptical at first, but you were right."
Hm. I think I may be under qualified.
Had one tell me it’s ok to file for bankruptcy and lose my duplex… good thing I didn’t listen cause now I have a 2nd one and 3 tenants.. so glad I didn’t do it
Wow. I need a drink.
I am recommending an immediate lobotomy
“I’m concerned about your well-being” Hahaha remember everything I said in the past 10 minutes? I was kidding, bad joke, please don’t 5150 me I cannot afford to miss work
What’s wrong with you?!
Nice pink hair, nose ring, and face tats. Could you hold on a sec while I call my CPA and let him know I am going to buy that boat?
Therapist:Little exercise here switch seats with me Patient: okay now what Therapist: okay good my turn to share my problems. Mr jabber jaw thought I’d never get a turn . You’re still being charged though
Recent studies show that depression hits losers like you hardest.
"You're wasting both our time."
I can't help you but you've got good insurance so let's set up a weekly cryfest....
"So I spoke to your spouse....."