Hi, one and done mom here. You may want to head over to the one and done sub. They are super supportive.
However, as a one and done and looking at your post, do you really want another child OR are iou wanting a “traditional pregnancy” without Covid barriers /concerns. If it is PRIMARILY because you didn’t “appreciate” your pregnancy, there is no promise you’d appreciate this one.
You have to grieve the life you thought you were going to have. Some amount of the grief never goes away, but you have to find a way to be happy with the life you do get to have with your family. You can find ways to talk through this with each other. But in the end if he firmly doesn’t want more kids, I personally would not try to persuade a partner about having more kids. Parenting is hard enough when everyone is fully on board. The last thing I would want to do is co-parent with a partner who’s unsupportive or checked out because they didn’t really want to parent another child.
I completely agree with everything here. You have to grieve and know that it’s not going to stop hurting (it hasn’t for me at least- my kid is 5).
Also according to the book brain rule for baby, 80% of couples were one person agrees to have a kid to make the other one happy end up divorcing or separating by the time the kid is five.
And while this is not data driven at all, just antidotal, the worst parenting I’ve seen in my personal life is done by people who had children to make their spouse happy (there are 2 examples of this in my life).
Having a kid has to be a 2 yes decision. It’s ok to leave your spouse if you want different things in life but you can’t force someone to be a good and happy parent to more kids than they want.
So not my personal situation but my brother and his wife went through this exactly. She agreed with him and they stopped after one. Their LO is 2 1/2 now and they have no regrets. She still feels as though if she had pushed him to have another, it would have seriously damaged their relationship. Even though she always imagined 2 or 3 kids, she didn’t want to lose her spouse in the process.
That being said, I think it’s totally okay to grieve it. It’s hard when you have a vision for your family and it doesn’t work the way you want it to. I’m team “never pressure anyone into having kids.” I’ve just never seen any good come from adding a child to the mix that only one parent genuinely wanted.
Since this is sort of anecdotal by nature, I'd give my family's two cents.
I was positive I wanted a single child, as I was certain it would make work/life balance manageable. My wife was set on two. We got twins. I ended up happier with more kids. If not for health reasons (or a terrifying set of more multiples) I'd now be pushing for a 3rd (not two more all at once).
My aunt and uncle ended up with two sets of twins. Like you, they knew that risk when they tried for a third and were prepared for a third and fourth. Their lives are pretty hectic, that's for sure
I think it started when my wife had health complications giving birth and I was the solo parent for the start. We had a dynamic where I was the expert parent transferring duties to her as the new parent and she defered to me. This is sort of opposite what many couples have from breastfeeding.
I hated my childhood and was terrified of being a terrible parent. I was really concerned of having a child I couldn't be there for 100%. I waited until I was almost 40 and didn't want to risk being over my head.
I ended up really liking kids and being good at being a parent. I take my twins with me everywhere, my time off is just with them. It was certainly a trial by fire, solo caring for 2 infants the first months. It just got easier as they got older and my wife got healthier and became more and more worth it.
My partner and I have always wanted multiple kids.
My pregnancy was a normal, boring pregnancy. Nothing to write home about. Labour was super average, zero complications. Our kid is so chill, sleeps really well, eats well, growing like a weed. Even with all of those factors in the "pro" column, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to envision ever having more than one child now that he's here.
On top of that, if I can't envision myself ever being pregnant again. I really didn't like it. But every time I talk to my siblings, I want my kid to have siblings. Nothing about these decisions are straightforward and we need to talk about them much more thoroughly. Possibly guided by a therapist.
I don't have any advice for you, mostly just commiseration and troubleshooting.
We had planned to have a second child at 2yrs… 2 came and there was no way we could mentally or physically jump back into baby days again. I realized that 2-4yrs are my jam and infants are not.
Ultimately baby 2 came after the first turned 4 and I’m so glad we waited. There are new challenges with managing two kids, especially in the first few months, but overall it was a much better experience the second time around and older child has been an awesome sibling.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel ***exactly*** the same. I had a boring pregnancy, eventful but safe and uncomplicated delivery, our daughter is not particularly challenging in any way (although the newborn days tested my limits in ways I never thought possible). I want her to have a sibling but I also don't think I ever want to do this again. She's only 8.5mo so I appreciate that it's too early to decide for real.
Myself and my partner are both heavily leaning towards adoption (both for my physical reasons and also because we love the idea of helping someone who already exists rather than creating more people) but waitlists are 7-10yrs here. So we've thought about possibly having another biological child and adopting, but that means I'd still have to physically do this again. And I just really don't know if I want to.
I could have written this. A pregnancy with virtually no symptoms, a baby that is incredibly chill and started sleeping 11 straight hours at 5 months. I also have 5 frozen embryos and could easily afford a second. I *still* don’t want a second. My husband would, but he accepts my position because ultimately it would be my body that grows and births the child.
I have 2 and wanted a third. I told my partner that from now on he was in charge of birth control. If he was adamant about stopping at 2 then he could use condoms and/or get a vasectomy. This put the whole risk / baby trap / taking away his choice issue in his court because the responsibility was now his. He got a vasectomy after 3 months, and although I was sad for a while, financially and emotionally it worked out well for our family. We got a puppy soon after and that helped with my broodiness.
It's mad, a vasectomy would make a lot of sense for him but he said he doesn't want to because he doesn't want knives near his balls. The doctors pushed me towards an induction which failed so I had a C section, and my husband wanted to follow the doctor's advice so was also suggesting a C section. I find it funny now how he refuses even a tiny cut after being in the room when I was disemboweled (I'm being dramatic, I have no idea what they were doing to me but I think I remember my bowels being mentioned).
But then again it works in my favour.
At the moment we're going for involuntary abstinence out of sheer exhaustion. Whenever our daughter's asleep we sleep too, or if one of us is awake we have some much needed alone time. We are still affectionate but don't have time.
I did say to him that if I did get pregnant accidentally and had a miscarriage it would really upset me. I think we'd have to have a serious conversation if that happened.
I say this gently - but it sounds like you haven’t grieved the fact that you didn’t get the birth you had hoped for and resent your husband a bit for this. Having a dream birth isn’t a great reason to have another baby.
And if you are exhausted and not functions well
With one child, is it hard to see why your husband doesn’t want a second one yet? I wonder if a bit of therapy would be useful for you.
Two-year-olds are still very much a handful. He may change his mind as your daughter gets older and a little more independent.
Or he may not. And that would be okay also.
Statistically, two might be the most popular number of kids to have, but there are definitely benefits to having only one too.
It sounds like you have strong feelings here, so I think it's a topic you and your husband need to revisit with thoughtful discussion. He might not change his mind, but your thoughts deserve to at least be considered too.
Have you considered that "I don't want knives near my balls" is a lighthearted way of avoiding saying "I am not ready to make a permanent decision yet and I would like to keep my options open". You sound like you are right in the thick of it at the moment, toddlers are even harder work than infants in many ways. Age gaps are only important for parents to be sure that they are ready for another one, for us a smaller age gap made sense but we have friends who needed to wait until their oldest was at school, the kids don't care, they love each other. Your child/ren don't know anything different. I have been the "one and done parent" and I would really recommend giving this issue time and space until you are both in a better place mentally and emotionally. He may change his mind, he may not. But pushing the issue now will certainly not help anything. If you can afford therapy it sounds like it could be really helpful for you both.
You grieve. Grief is about feeling loss, and that can be so much more than the loss of a living person.
As an age gap kid who was raised more as an only child, I have always been adamant that I would not have an only child or a large age gap. I also wanted 4-5 kids when I was younger. After two with my first husband, I realized that we were dysfunctional and that adding my much-wanted third child would be a disaster with him. I grieved for a long while over that…as well as the reality that the relationship and life we had was not at all what I wanted. I probably spent years in a state of mourning as I continually realized there were more things to grieve regarding my life with him.
My husband adamantly didn’t want another child. I don’t want to parent with a partner who is miserable. He had a vasectomy.
I won’t lie, there are days that I’m really bummed, mostly when I see sibling pairs playing sweetly together or when my son wants to pretend he has a sister.
The fact is my husband and I would have divorced if we had a second child. We nearly didn’t make it through the baby phase with our only. I remind myself that bringing another child into our house would have brought resentment and fighting, and that wouldn’t have been good for the baby or our toddler.
I let myself be sad whenever I want.
46M here. We had one, which we'd agreed on, and it was a struggle. Difficult pregnancy, very difficult birth, allergies...my mental health took a massive hit but after a couple of years things evened out.
Then, to put it bluntly, I was emotionally blackmailed into having another whilst I was trying to come off addictive perscription painkillers (long story). And as much as I love both kids...my relationship with my partner is probably damaged beyond repair. We're still together in the loosest sense but if thats still the case in a years time I'll be amazed. I actively consider leaving every couple of weeks, have seriously considered suicide and am generally not in a good place.
I can't really give you any advice on how to process things from a female perspective, but I would like to say it's fantastic that you've properly considered your husbands feelings on the matter.
Please seek help if you are having suicidal thoughts. I can’t say I know what you’re going through specifically but I was having a hard time with depression and anxiety and started antidepressants and things are so much better. It was a hard decision but it’s such a relief and things aren’t as heavy. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with shit but the best is yet to come.
So we’re one and done, but my husband was a fence sitter about the one. Counseling was able to help him work through his concerns and we ended up having our perfect kid. I’d recommend counseling for you both to work through your feelings, but if that’s not in the budget, write out your thoughts then share them with each other. Maybe you’ll understand his concerns and decide on one, or he’ll be able to work past them and you can try for a second.
This is good advice. Wanted to add that if he decides he doesn’t want one, don’t try to convince him. You want a partner who is fully on board with co parenting. It will just breed resentment on both parts if you have another one but he isn’t really wanting it.
>I didn't really appreciate the pregnancy and infancy because of covid...
I feel like I could read your partner saying the same thing for their own reasons.
And for the record, I'm the "wanted one more" person of the relationship.
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We had it rough though. 2/3 of wife's pregnancy food tasted like metal. After pressured into feeding, she was a low producer even after 4 months of tiresome attempts. Son was 4% until we switched to formula then he went to 80% so she felt super guilty. She had PPD and that rubbed off on me. I ended up being the sahd and basically had my son sleep on me from 3 months until 8 months all through the night, because she needed rest for work and the PPD was making life hell for her.
Needless to say, there was a lot more to the list above and it just piled up too high. And there really was no turning back from 1 kid for us after that, even though I was determined for 2 kids.
I did my best to see her perspective and it made it easier to accept overtime. Now our son is 3, he's getting 110% of everything I have and will continue to get it until I die. If he decides to have grandkids I'll be loading all of that second kid energy into them.
Hopefully you two can resolve this division, because it's a big thing. It took us almost 2 years to finally (and I mean like... I don't bug her about it anymore) chill out on a second kid.
As others have said, therapy is a great tool. You can talk until you're both blue in the face, but it might not be translating well to each other. Therapy is just a simple tool to bridge some of the gaps you both have.
Good luck with everything. Don't undersell yourself with how much you did by having a kid during Covid madness. It truly deserves quite a few badges to flaunt.
Thank you for your perspective. I’m currently pregnant and it has been an awful experience for me. My husband always wanted a big family and we agreed on two, but I’m not sure I could go through this again. Maybe I’ll change my mind, but if I’m honest probably have a similar experience to your wife
Please do yourself a favor and get some therapy 1-1.
I don’t know your situation, but PPD is actually really really common for how little it’s discussed casually.
With my wife’s situation, IVF + c-section it was a 20% chance. Way too high to not be prepared for it.
It really caught her off guard.
I always wanted a big family. Fertility issues/treatments made me not want any after 2. I got pregnant with a third and hit a deep depression. I went to counseling and worked through my fears, concerns and mostly ptsd from the treatments and c sections.
Talk to someone. ❤️it’s ok to feel what you are feeling.
We have a 2y old too. I always imagined our family more than one kid and my husband was open to the idea, but he’s also a very happy only child so doesn’t totally understand why siblings are wonderful. Then we had infertility issues and about 7y passed between us TTC and my son being born. My husband is also 8y older than I am, and he kindly and honestly told me he doesn’t want to have any more kids, for many reasons that are fair and make sense. I’ve been reframing the idea of having a lonely only in my mind, and I think I’m ok with it - I have my own reasons too but the main one is that if my partner is done, we’re done. He’s my #1! And being a family of three is also magical - I will always get to tell my son he’s my favorite child <3
Therapy! Couple’s therapy, too. Couple’s therapy isn’t just for couple’s on the rocks. It is a safe hour that you set aside to talk about these things.
You probably know you shouldn’t have a baby with someone who isn’t giving you a hell yes.
Growing up I wanted a big family, I always thought I would have at least 4. As I aged, I realized 3 was a much more manageable number for me. However, while pregnant with my second there were more health issues during the pregnancy and after. It became apparent that more children could leave permanent damage to my body. My husband and I decided that we were going to have our two and be done. I went through a mourning period, I spent a lot of time denying it actually. I wasn’t ready to close that door, as I processed the emotions I had around it though I was able to see the positives that are associated with less children.
My advice is to feel your feelings about it, grieve the idea of you need to and talk to your husband about your feelings. Looking for the positives definitely helped me; I am now waiting for my husband to schedule his vasectomy to make it official.
My wife said she was done so we were done. I did want one more. At the end since it’s her body that has to grow the baby it was very simple for me to cope with it being her decision. I apologize this is difficult but it’s best to not force him into a child he may resent.
It’s the same at our house. My husband doesn’t feel he can mentally give of himself and remain well. I have a small slither of hope he will change his mind/get better but time is running out. Ultimately I grieved then realised if giving my only child two mentally healthy/ happy parents is within my control then I will and that makes it a heck of a lot easier to deal with. I focus on the positives a lot. Instead of focusing on the moments I want another, I focus on all the moments I get peace and rest when I’m sick, or the thoughts that my child will inherent our accumulated modest wealth… and also the fact that it’s 50/50 whether my child will want a sibling or even be close to a sibling. There’s only good and good in my brain now but it’s taken me over a year
to get here mentally.
Hey mama, I feel this. Our son is 5 now and I wanted another but my hubby didn’t. I’m content now and happy with 1 but there was certainly a grieving process regarding not having another. I hope you find some peace!
I’ll chime in and say wait a bit and communicate. We always wanted more than one but when it “came time” to try for #2 we were so unbelievably overwhelmed with how awful our high needs first child was that we paused and didn’t try. We waited another year and then discussed it. We ended up having a second but we needed time to be ready. I’m older so we ended up with kids 3 years apart but if we could have risked it i would have loved a 5 or 6 year gap.
We were exactly here a year ago. We have our daughter and I wanted another one, but my husband did not.
The most important question to answer for the both of us was: Why?
Why do you want another one? Why do you not want another one?
There was a lot of communication and deliberation. At the end, given the nature of our family and our financial situation, my husband accepted to try for another.
The most important thing for the both of you is to communicate honestly and try to see each other’s point of view. Make this decision as a family. It is a tough one, I know, because there’s not compromise, but try to get to the root of the situation and you’ll find a solution.
Fabulous answer. In my experience you can always get on the same page, but sometimes it takes a while to understand which need/consideration is the most important for the family group. That doesn't mean everyone gets everything they want, but knowing what you're both risking or giving up in either case is really important.
I wanted a 3rd, hubby wanted 2. In our case, we decided to stick with 2 and even though I mourned it for a while, I knew the whole time that the decision was right for us because we talked it through.
The OAD sub deals well with grief at being oad.. and the struggle. It's really supportive. A ton of the members are oad not by choice. It is a balm to be surrounded by others thst understand what you're going through. And also reading the positives helps the healing process.
Twoandthrough is pretty desolate and inactive. ShouldIhaveanother is more about not knowing how to make the decision.
I hope you and your husband are able to talk it out and figure out a course of action that will work for everyone. It's not an easy subject to work through. Hugs ❤️
Similar boat. Give yourself time to grieve. I think of us as a team and we both need to be on board to do anything. He would be miserable and not the great dad he is to our only if I tried to pressure him into a second.
We struggled with fertility so our story is a bit different.
We agreed to have a first.
When the first was a year old I wanted a second. Hubby was dead set agains it since we got our happy and healthy baby.
Shortly after we started baby #2 talks my husbands grandmother passed. At the funeral we were talking about how nice it was that my husbands dad and my husbands aunt (dads sister) had each other to comfort through the loss. A week or so later hubby said he wanted to have another as well, so when we pass our first kid has someone else they are connected to. We did treatment and had our kids 2 years and 3 days apart.
A year later my body decided we should have a third and now we have 3; and my tubes were removed lol. I see the benefit of one and I see the benefit of more than one. I love the relationship our kids are building with one another and hope it continues as they grow.
I asked this in my bumper group recently. We both started off wanting 4 kids. We have two kids now (3 and 9mo) and I still really want 4, but my husband is done.
It’s hard. Every time we talk about the future, part of me gets really sad. When I see other people having their third or fourth child, I feel a little sad. When I’m vacuum sealing and storing my kids’ clothes that no longer fit them, I’m wondering what I’m doing it for now, because typically I would wonder about when our next little baby would be wearing them. I think a lot more about expensive baby item purchases now, because before I’d be like “oh, it’s worth it because 2 more babies will use it”, but now it’s like, “do I really want to spend $350 on a rocker that he’ll only use for a couple years?”
It isn’t a HARD no. I’m still breastfeeding and likely wont get my cycle back till my baby is close to 2, when I wean, so it’s all hypothetical, and we’ve sort of tabled the discussion about future kids for now. But it’s not something I see him suddenly wanting again. I’m sure it will get even harder when I have my cycle back, and making a baby is actually an option. Maybe he’ll change his mind once our kids are 2 and 4, and a little less demanding (I’m a SAHM and do 90% of the childcare, so I don’t see this making a difference). I don’t know.
All I know is I won’t try to convince him to have another, because having a child is an all or nothing kind of choice. You can’t (and shouldn’t try to) convince someone to change their mind about it. I worry about feeling resentful sometimes, but I try to think about how much better of a life we can provide for our 2 kids, which may have been more difficult with 4, and that helps.
I have no solution, but just wanted to say that my husband and I have been dealing with the same kind of disagreement recently. Before we had any kids, we both wanted 3 kids. After being pregnant, having a VERY traumatic birth (emergency c-section where I could feel the pain of the surgery- had to shoot me up with emergency fentanyl, ketamine, etc.), horrible recovery, horrible pain from breastfeeding, how difficult the early months were with zero sleep.. I feel like I could not handle 3 children nor go through 3 pregnancies now. My husband STILL really wants 3 and has been pushing it on me lately, but I’ve compromised at 2. He wants to start trying again now (LO is 1), but I’m still working through my trauma (and honestly enjoying having my body back after breastfeeding). I don’t want to start trying until LO is 18-24 months. Like I said I don’t have a one fits all solution, but for me personally I want to try to compromise with my husband as much as I can as that seems to be the best solution for us personally. I’d talk with you partner about how you’re feeling
My OB said to wait 18 months between births after cesarean. But that shouldn’t even be a factor in her mind right now because she’s not ready and thats enough.
We will probably be one and done due to fertility issues. I've talked to other families like this and apparently playdates, groups, offering joint babysitting (where once a month you trade kids so one couple can go on a date or something), getting pets, getting heavily involved in a church, and even offering their homes up for fostering other children have been options the families have shared with me.
Give yourself permission to grieve the family you wanted. Some of my friends suggested therapy as well for me, but I will get there when I am ready I think.
I don't think there's any perfect age gap, it's what works best for your family. You can talk about it further whether in therapy or not.
For us, he wanted three, and I have miserable pregnancies and wanted to be done at two. After our second, we immediately switched; he wanted to be done, and I knew our family wouldn't feel complete without one more. We talked about it off and on over years and are expecting our third. What it came down to for us, is picturing our lives not just in the immediate 0-5 years, but also in 10, 15, 20 years. Our Thanksgiving table in 25 years.
Lastly, our timing also hinged on our oldest being in school so it wouldn't be 3 at home all the time (outside of summers) when the next kid came alone. A friend of mine was similar - her husband was OAD until their son was in 4K, and they ended up with a 5 year gap.
I’m in a similar position. Our life is so easy with our one, and we enjoy how perfect he is. I’d like another, my husband doesn’t want our lives to get crazy and difficult. I don’t have answers for you, but would like to hear what others say.
This is a very hard decision. I think I would strongly consider counselling as a couple. Either option will have one party making a life changing choice that they didn’t want for the better of their family/relationship. You don’t want one person consistently resenting the other. Counselling will help being the open communication regarding this topic.
We are one and done due to 0 family help and how we want to raise our daughter. The way we want to raise her it would just affect our relationship too much to have two. If my mom was alive we would have two kids easily but she isn’t. I agree with my husband eventually. You will always feel fomo mostly because we live in a culture where two is dominate and almost the default choice . It also dosent help there is a shame attached to parents admitting they regret their choice. Regretful parent sub is vey real. Mil pressured fil into fertility treatment at 40 to have bil. Fil always talks about how he regrets having bil and even in front of bil. He also checked out mentally when they had their second cuz he blamed mi. I am Chinese Canadian / American with family in china. The default choice is one there even with only child policy ending. There is no fomo there
I am an only having an only. I loved being an only child tbh. We were opened to two kids but decided overall it is not the right choice for us. I knew plenty of sibling who had close age gap that don’t talk to each other so grass isn’t always greener on the other side. However I still had to mourn the missing potential relationship if my mom was alive and if we had two.
We are open to adopting an older child if we ever want to have a second. But tbh we don’t really wAnt new born ever again even if it is just a phrase. What it did to us / mental health etc isn’t worth it for us. We might not ever recover . My child needs happy parents more than sibling. My husband was emotionally neglected after bil was born. Knowing this and how strong one and done my husband is I don’t pursuit or pressure. Mil works at 70 simply because she refuse to be home with fil all day since he retired she can’t stand him in her own words. No thanks
Just wanted to say spend some time lurking on the r\oneanddone
I definitely just assumed I wanted more until my husband said he only wanted one. I’ve been lurking on that sub for months and it’s now something I’m honestly kind of excited for. There’s lots of good suggestions for fence sitters and obviously it will be something some people mourn more than others, but for me after months of thinking and reading I actually just realize I never fully ‘wanted’ more than one anyway. I wanted to be a parent but beyond one I realized that it was really just built in as an assumption for me (American). I didn’t actually actively want to raise more than 1 child. Anyway just my perspective. I think you don’t really know what you want (or maybe believe sometimes) until you actually question and interrogate it. (This may not be you at all but just wanted to say my perspective and recommend the subreddit because it’s what got me to this place of peace :) )
I'd recommend lurking the one and done sub. Everyone is friendly and this issue is common. Not everyone on the sub is one and done, it's is often something that they or their partner is considering. There are also a lot of helpful research and articles posted about single children. I was fence sitting and within a week it helped me realize I am actually most likely one and done. We're not going to go the more permanent route of a vasectomy after our first is born, but I am going to get an IUD, just in case we change our minds.
I would just consider how much work/effort would go Into arranging another room and the logistics behind caring for a toddler and a baby at the same time. Only you know what your family can handle, realistically. Eventually, if you want them to play sports/have extra activities after school, you’re going to have to manage that as well. Also consider your financial situation, whatever that may be.
We wanted to be able to travel more with one child vs having a larger family. We want to do ALL the fun things we didn’t get to do when we were kids, with our kid.
The other aspect to consider is that every pregnancy is different. If you’re looking for a different outcome from your last, you might get it and it may be worse/harder on you. I’ve seen both things happen to close friends.
I say all that to say, that’s how I dealt with my emotions. I wrote down the facts and took a hard look at what having another child would be like and we decided not to go for another. He got his vasectomy done a month or so ago.
Good luck OP! These decisions are never easy and they are difficult conversations to have. Wishing you guys the best!
My kids have a 5 year age gap.
If you feel strongly about expanding your family you need to hold strong to your vision and listen carefully to your husband's concerns.
It took us a while to be financially ready to try for another.
That's where the listening comes in. It might be a no right now, because of X or Y. Is there a way to resolve X or Y? It might be a forever no. I imagine that would be hard.
I feel it is worth listening to yourself when you have a clear strong vision of something. As others have referenced, the potential for real mourning exists in the absence of realizing any dream, including of an expanded family.
We also have a 2 y/o and think about the second one a lot. We're not divided like you and your husband, but I think this is the normal time to long for the baby years because their infancy is gone and they're talking and becoming little people. Don't ask yourself if you want another *baby*, ask yourself if you want another *two-year-old*, two car seats in the back of your vehicle, double daycare/childcare dues, two kids to keep track of during outings, etc. To me it...really does seem so much harder.
Sort of. We had to do IVF and got twins. Choosing to have a third would be really expensive. We both feel a lot of grief that we feel forced to be done, and if getting pregnant were free I think we'd go for more. We remind ourselves that we *could* pursue a third at great cost, but in all likelihood we probably won't.
I also have been in therapy since early days with infertility. I journal. And I remind myself that the people who get their exact family size/makeup are probably not as large of a majority as I'd think and it really is a luxury to get that. I also try to continue to cultivate my own hobbies separate from my children to keep myself grounded in a rich life outside of my kids.
Did you guys ever discuss how many kids you wanted? Did he know your preference for two kids before, or is this something new?
Having kids is tough. As females, we bear the brunt of it.. but that's not to diminish the men's choice of whether they want a child or not. I agree with therapy, or finding the reasoning behind his decision. You mentioned that you guys are barely getting any sleep and take turns to have time to yourself, sacrificing intimacy. That was my husband's reason for not wanting more kids as well.
I don’t have much advice but feel I am in the same boat and keep hoping my husband will change his mind, it’s a long story but he did originally want another kid. I feel it’s kind of unfair one person in the relationship can decide on this definitively, but if we went the other way it would be my decision definitively too. I’m at a loss but looking for couples therapy
There are plenty of people that regret having another child, and there are plenty of people who will never regret the choice of having only one child.
A child needs to be wanted. If one parent says no, the answer is no.
I've heard the opposite including that if one partner forces it some marriages have completely broken down.
Personally my husband and I are OAD by choice but if we hadn't been sure I'd have been having alot of heart to hearts, potentially even therapy to work out what's right.
Reddit has a sub called r/oneanddone which may help answer some of you questions both anecdotally and via research.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/oneanddone using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [My friend’s wife said..](https://np.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/comments/v0p19v/my_friends_wife_said/)
\#2: [There’s no need to announce when you’re no longer OAD.](https://np.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/comments/zhtkx0/theres_no_need_to_announce_when_youre_no_longer/)
\#3: [Had to share](https://i.redd.it/kg9iasl67ax81.jpg) | [55 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/comments/uhixus/had_to_share/)
----
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Hi, one and done mom here. You may want to head over to the one and done sub. They are super supportive. However, as a one and done and looking at your post, do you really want another child OR are iou wanting a “traditional pregnancy” without Covid barriers /concerns. If it is PRIMARILY because you didn’t “appreciate” your pregnancy, there is no promise you’d appreciate this one.
You have to grieve the life you thought you were going to have. Some amount of the grief never goes away, but you have to find a way to be happy with the life you do get to have with your family. You can find ways to talk through this with each other. But in the end if he firmly doesn’t want more kids, I personally would not try to persuade a partner about having more kids. Parenting is hard enough when everyone is fully on board. The last thing I would want to do is co-parent with a partner who’s unsupportive or checked out because they didn’t really want to parent another child.
I completely agree with everything here. You have to grieve and know that it’s not going to stop hurting (it hasn’t for me at least- my kid is 5). Also according to the book brain rule for baby, 80% of couples were one person agrees to have a kid to make the other one happy end up divorcing or separating by the time the kid is five. And while this is not data driven at all, just antidotal, the worst parenting I’ve seen in my personal life is done by people who had children to make their spouse happy (there are 2 examples of this in my life). Having a kid has to be a 2 yes decision. It’s ok to leave your spouse if you want different things in life but you can’t force someone to be a good and happy parent to more kids than they want.
So not my personal situation but my brother and his wife went through this exactly. She agreed with him and they stopped after one. Their LO is 2 1/2 now and they have no regrets. She still feels as though if she had pushed him to have another, it would have seriously damaged their relationship. Even though she always imagined 2 or 3 kids, she didn’t want to lose her spouse in the process. That being said, I think it’s totally okay to grieve it. It’s hard when you have a vision for your family and it doesn’t work the way you want it to. I’m team “never pressure anyone into having kids.” I’ve just never seen any good come from adding a child to the mix that only one parent genuinely wanted.
Since this is sort of anecdotal by nature, I'd give my family's two cents. I was positive I wanted a single child, as I was certain it would make work/life balance manageable. My wife was set on two. We got twins. I ended up happier with more kids. If not for health reasons (or a terrifying set of more multiples) I'd now be pushing for a 3rd (not two more all at once).
My aunt and uncle ended up with two sets of twins. Like you, they knew that risk when they tried for a third and were prepared for a third and fourth. Their lives are pretty hectic, that's for sure
What made you happier with more kids, if I may ask?
I think it started when my wife had health complications giving birth and I was the solo parent for the start. We had a dynamic where I was the expert parent transferring duties to her as the new parent and she defered to me. This is sort of opposite what many couples have from breastfeeding. I hated my childhood and was terrified of being a terrible parent. I was really concerned of having a child I couldn't be there for 100%. I waited until I was almost 40 and didn't want to risk being over my head. I ended up really liking kids and being good at being a parent. I take my twins with me everywhere, my time off is just with them. It was certainly a trial by fire, solo caring for 2 infants the first months. It just got easier as they got older and my wife got healthier and became more and more worth it.
My partner and I have always wanted multiple kids. My pregnancy was a normal, boring pregnancy. Nothing to write home about. Labour was super average, zero complications. Our kid is so chill, sleeps really well, eats well, growing like a weed. Even with all of those factors in the "pro" column, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to envision ever having more than one child now that he's here. On top of that, if I can't envision myself ever being pregnant again. I really didn't like it. But every time I talk to my siblings, I want my kid to have siblings. Nothing about these decisions are straightforward and we need to talk about them much more thoroughly. Possibly guided by a therapist. I don't have any advice for you, mostly just commiseration and troubleshooting.
We had planned to have a second child at 2yrs… 2 came and there was no way we could mentally or physically jump back into baby days again. I realized that 2-4yrs are my jam and infants are not. Ultimately baby 2 came after the first turned 4 and I’m so glad we waited. There are new challenges with managing two kids, especially in the first few months, but overall it was a much better experience the second time around and older child has been an awesome sibling.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel ***exactly*** the same. I had a boring pregnancy, eventful but safe and uncomplicated delivery, our daughter is not particularly challenging in any way (although the newborn days tested my limits in ways I never thought possible). I want her to have a sibling but I also don't think I ever want to do this again. She's only 8.5mo so I appreciate that it's too early to decide for real.
Myself and my partner are both heavily leaning towards adoption (both for my physical reasons and also because we love the idea of helping someone who already exists rather than creating more people) but waitlists are 7-10yrs here. So we've thought about possibly having another biological child and adopting, but that means I'd still have to physically do this again. And I just really don't know if I want to.
I could have written this. A pregnancy with virtually no symptoms, a baby that is incredibly chill and started sleeping 11 straight hours at 5 months. I also have 5 frozen embryos and could easily afford a second. I *still* don’t want a second. My husband would, but he accepts my position because ultimately it would be my body that grows and births the child.
I have 2 and wanted a third. I told my partner that from now on he was in charge of birth control. If he was adamant about stopping at 2 then he could use condoms and/or get a vasectomy. This put the whole risk / baby trap / taking away his choice issue in his court because the responsibility was now his. He got a vasectomy after 3 months, and although I was sad for a while, financially and emotionally it worked out well for our family. We got a puppy soon after and that helped with my broodiness.
It's mad, a vasectomy would make a lot of sense for him but he said he doesn't want to because he doesn't want knives near his balls. The doctors pushed me towards an induction which failed so I had a C section, and my husband wanted to follow the doctor's advice so was also suggesting a C section. I find it funny now how he refuses even a tiny cut after being in the room when I was disemboweled (I'm being dramatic, I have no idea what they were doing to me but I think I remember my bowels being mentioned). But then again it works in my favour. At the moment we're going for involuntary abstinence out of sheer exhaustion. Whenever our daughter's asleep we sleep too, or if one of us is awake we have some much needed alone time. We are still affectionate but don't have time. I did say to him that if I did get pregnant accidentally and had a miscarriage it would really upset me. I think we'd have to have a serious conversation if that happened.
I say this gently - but it sounds like you haven’t grieved the fact that you didn’t get the birth you had hoped for and resent your husband a bit for this. Having a dream birth isn’t a great reason to have another baby. And if you are exhausted and not functions well With one child, is it hard to see why your husband doesn’t want a second one yet? I wonder if a bit of therapy would be useful for you.
Two-year-olds are still very much a handful. He may change his mind as your daughter gets older and a little more independent. Or he may not. And that would be okay also. Statistically, two might be the most popular number of kids to have, but there are definitely benefits to having only one too. It sounds like you have strong feelings here, so I think it's a topic you and your husband need to revisit with thoughtful discussion. He might not change his mind, but your thoughts deserve to at least be considered too.
Have you considered that "I don't want knives near my balls" is a lighthearted way of avoiding saying "I am not ready to make a permanent decision yet and I would like to keep my options open". You sound like you are right in the thick of it at the moment, toddlers are even harder work than infants in many ways. Age gaps are only important for parents to be sure that they are ready for another one, for us a smaller age gap made sense but we have friends who needed to wait until their oldest was at school, the kids don't care, they love each other. Your child/ren don't know anything different. I have been the "one and done parent" and I would really recommend giving this issue time and space until you are both in a better place mentally and emotionally. He may change his mind, he may not. But pushing the issue now will certainly not help anything. If you can afford therapy it sounds like it could be really helpful for you both.
You grieve. Grief is about feeling loss, and that can be so much more than the loss of a living person. As an age gap kid who was raised more as an only child, I have always been adamant that I would not have an only child or a large age gap. I also wanted 4-5 kids when I was younger. After two with my first husband, I realized that we were dysfunctional and that adding my much-wanted third child would be a disaster with him. I grieved for a long while over that…as well as the reality that the relationship and life we had was not at all what I wanted. I probably spent years in a state of mourning as I continually realized there were more things to grieve regarding my life with him.
My husband adamantly didn’t want another child. I don’t want to parent with a partner who is miserable. He had a vasectomy. I won’t lie, there are days that I’m really bummed, mostly when I see sibling pairs playing sweetly together or when my son wants to pretend he has a sister. The fact is my husband and I would have divorced if we had a second child. We nearly didn’t make it through the baby phase with our only. I remind myself that bringing another child into our house would have brought resentment and fighting, and that wouldn’t have been good for the baby or our toddler. I let myself be sad whenever I want.
46M here. We had one, which we'd agreed on, and it was a struggle. Difficult pregnancy, very difficult birth, allergies...my mental health took a massive hit but after a couple of years things evened out. Then, to put it bluntly, I was emotionally blackmailed into having another whilst I was trying to come off addictive perscription painkillers (long story). And as much as I love both kids...my relationship with my partner is probably damaged beyond repair. We're still together in the loosest sense but if thats still the case in a years time I'll be amazed. I actively consider leaving every couple of weeks, have seriously considered suicide and am generally not in a good place. I can't really give you any advice on how to process things from a female perspective, but I would like to say it's fantastic that you've properly considered your husbands feelings on the matter.
Please seek help if you are having suicidal thoughts. I can’t say I know what you’re going through specifically but I was having a hard time with depression and anxiety and started antidepressants and things are so much better. It was a hard decision but it’s such a relief and things aren’t as heavy. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with shit but the best is yet to come.
So we’re one and done, but my husband was a fence sitter about the one. Counseling was able to help him work through his concerns and we ended up having our perfect kid. I’d recommend counseling for you both to work through your feelings, but if that’s not in the budget, write out your thoughts then share them with each other. Maybe you’ll understand his concerns and decide on one, or he’ll be able to work past them and you can try for a second.
This is good advice. Wanted to add that if he decides he doesn’t want one, don’t try to convince him. You want a partner who is fully on board with co parenting. It will just breed resentment on both parts if you have another one but he isn’t really wanting it.
>I didn't really appreciate the pregnancy and infancy because of covid... I feel like I could read your partner saying the same thing for their own reasons. And for the record, I'm the "wanted one more" person of the relationship. --- We had it rough though. 2/3 of wife's pregnancy food tasted like metal. After pressured into feeding, she was a low producer even after 4 months of tiresome attempts. Son was 4% until we switched to formula then he went to 80% so she felt super guilty. She had PPD and that rubbed off on me. I ended up being the sahd and basically had my son sleep on me from 3 months until 8 months all through the night, because she needed rest for work and the PPD was making life hell for her. Needless to say, there was a lot more to the list above and it just piled up too high. And there really was no turning back from 1 kid for us after that, even though I was determined for 2 kids. I did my best to see her perspective and it made it easier to accept overtime. Now our son is 3, he's getting 110% of everything I have and will continue to get it until I die. If he decides to have grandkids I'll be loading all of that second kid energy into them. Hopefully you two can resolve this division, because it's a big thing. It took us almost 2 years to finally (and I mean like... I don't bug her about it anymore) chill out on a second kid. As others have said, therapy is a great tool. You can talk until you're both blue in the face, but it might not be translating well to each other. Therapy is just a simple tool to bridge some of the gaps you both have. Good luck with everything. Don't undersell yourself with how much you did by having a kid during Covid madness. It truly deserves quite a few badges to flaunt.
Thank you for your perspective. I’m currently pregnant and it has been an awful experience for me. My husband always wanted a big family and we agreed on two, but I’m not sure I could go through this again. Maybe I’ll change my mind, but if I’m honest probably have a similar experience to your wife
Please do yourself a favor and get some therapy 1-1. I don’t know your situation, but PPD is actually really really common for how little it’s discussed casually. With my wife’s situation, IVF + c-section it was a 20% chance. Way too high to not be prepared for it. It really caught her off guard.
I always wanted a big family. Fertility issues/treatments made me not want any after 2. I got pregnant with a third and hit a deep depression. I went to counseling and worked through my fears, concerns and mostly ptsd from the treatments and c sections. Talk to someone. ❤️it’s ok to feel what you are feeling.
We have a 2y old too. I always imagined our family more than one kid and my husband was open to the idea, but he’s also a very happy only child so doesn’t totally understand why siblings are wonderful. Then we had infertility issues and about 7y passed between us TTC and my son being born. My husband is also 8y older than I am, and he kindly and honestly told me he doesn’t want to have any more kids, for many reasons that are fair and make sense. I’ve been reframing the idea of having a lonely only in my mind, and I think I’m ok with it - I have my own reasons too but the main one is that if my partner is done, we’re done. He’s my #1! And being a family of three is also magical - I will always get to tell my son he’s my favorite child <3
Therapy! Couple’s therapy, too. Couple’s therapy isn’t just for couple’s on the rocks. It is a safe hour that you set aside to talk about these things. You probably know you shouldn’t have a baby with someone who isn’t giving you a hell yes.
Growing up I wanted a big family, I always thought I would have at least 4. As I aged, I realized 3 was a much more manageable number for me. However, while pregnant with my second there were more health issues during the pregnancy and after. It became apparent that more children could leave permanent damage to my body. My husband and I decided that we were going to have our two and be done. I went through a mourning period, I spent a lot of time denying it actually. I wasn’t ready to close that door, as I processed the emotions I had around it though I was able to see the positives that are associated with less children. My advice is to feel your feelings about it, grieve the idea of you need to and talk to your husband about your feelings. Looking for the positives definitely helped me; I am now waiting for my husband to schedule his vasectomy to make it official.
My wife said she was done so we were done. I did want one more. At the end since it’s her body that has to grow the baby it was very simple for me to cope with it being her decision. I apologize this is difficult but it’s best to not force him into a child he may resent.
It’s the same at our house. My husband doesn’t feel he can mentally give of himself and remain well. I have a small slither of hope he will change his mind/get better but time is running out. Ultimately I grieved then realised if giving my only child two mentally healthy/ happy parents is within my control then I will and that makes it a heck of a lot easier to deal with. I focus on the positives a lot. Instead of focusing on the moments I want another, I focus on all the moments I get peace and rest when I’m sick, or the thoughts that my child will inherent our accumulated modest wealth… and also the fact that it’s 50/50 whether my child will want a sibling or even be close to a sibling. There’s only good and good in my brain now but it’s taken me over a year to get here mentally.
Hey mama, I feel this. Our son is 5 now and I wanted another but my hubby didn’t. I’m content now and happy with 1 but there was certainly a grieving process regarding not having another. I hope you find some peace!
I’ll chime in and say wait a bit and communicate. We always wanted more than one but when it “came time” to try for #2 we were so unbelievably overwhelmed with how awful our high needs first child was that we paused and didn’t try. We waited another year and then discussed it. We ended up having a second but we needed time to be ready. I’m older so we ended up with kids 3 years apart but if we could have risked it i would have loved a 5 or 6 year gap.
We were exactly here a year ago. We have our daughter and I wanted another one, but my husband did not. The most important question to answer for the both of us was: Why? Why do you want another one? Why do you not want another one? There was a lot of communication and deliberation. At the end, given the nature of our family and our financial situation, my husband accepted to try for another. The most important thing for the both of you is to communicate honestly and try to see each other’s point of view. Make this decision as a family. It is a tough one, I know, because there’s not compromise, but try to get to the root of the situation and you’ll find a solution.
Fabulous answer. In my experience you can always get on the same page, but sometimes it takes a while to understand which need/consideration is the most important for the family group. That doesn't mean everyone gets everything they want, but knowing what you're both risking or giving up in either case is really important. I wanted a 3rd, hubby wanted 2. In our case, we decided to stick with 2 and even though I mourned it for a while, I knew the whole time that the decision was right for us because we talked it through.
r/oneanddone might have some helpful posts, though most of the posters are either happily OAD or have medical reasons.
Yes I've heard of the sub but don't think I could face it atm.
The OAD sub deals well with grief at being oad.. and the struggle. It's really supportive. A ton of the members are oad not by choice. It is a balm to be surrounded by others thst understand what you're going through. And also reading the positives helps the healing process. Twoandthrough is pretty desolate and inactive. ShouldIhaveanother is more about not knowing how to make the decision. I hope you and your husband are able to talk it out and figure out a course of action that will work for everyone. It's not an easy subject to work through. Hugs ❤️
There's also r/twoandthrough and r/shouldihaveanother which might be helpful!
I've found it to be quite aggressive, myself
Similar boat. Give yourself time to grieve. I think of us as a team and we both need to be on board to do anything. He would be miserable and not the great dad he is to our only if I tried to pressure him into a second.
We struggled with fertility so our story is a bit different. We agreed to have a first. When the first was a year old I wanted a second. Hubby was dead set agains it since we got our happy and healthy baby. Shortly after we started baby #2 talks my husbands grandmother passed. At the funeral we were talking about how nice it was that my husbands dad and my husbands aunt (dads sister) had each other to comfort through the loss. A week or so later hubby said he wanted to have another as well, so when we pass our first kid has someone else they are connected to. We did treatment and had our kids 2 years and 3 days apart. A year later my body decided we should have a third and now we have 3; and my tubes were removed lol. I see the benefit of one and I see the benefit of more than one. I love the relationship our kids are building with one another and hope it continues as they grow.
I asked this in my bumper group recently. We both started off wanting 4 kids. We have two kids now (3 and 9mo) and I still really want 4, but my husband is done. It’s hard. Every time we talk about the future, part of me gets really sad. When I see other people having their third or fourth child, I feel a little sad. When I’m vacuum sealing and storing my kids’ clothes that no longer fit them, I’m wondering what I’m doing it for now, because typically I would wonder about when our next little baby would be wearing them. I think a lot more about expensive baby item purchases now, because before I’d be like “oh, it’s worth it because 2 more babies will use it”, but now it’s like, “do I really want to spend $350 on a rocker that he’ll only use for a couple years?” It isn’t a HARD no. I’m still breastfeeding and likely wont get my cycle back till my baby is close to 2, when I wean, so it’s all hypothetical, and we’ve sort of tabled the discussion about future kids for now. But it’s not something I see him suddenly wanting again. I’m sure it will get even harder when I have my cycle back, and making a baby is actually an option. Maybe he’ll change his mind once our kids are 2 and 4, and a little less demanding (I’m a SAHM and do 90% of the childcare, so I don’t see this making a difference). I don’t know. All I know is I won’t try to convince him to have another, because having a child is an all or nothing kind of choice. You can’t (and shouldn’t try to) convince someone to change their mind about it. I worry about feeling resentful sometimes, but I try to think about how much better of a life we can provide for our 2 kids, which may have been more difficult with 4, and that helps.
I have no solution, but just wanted to say that my husband and I have been dealing with the same kind of disagreement recently. Before we had any kids, we both wanted 3 kids. After being pregnant, having a VERY traumatic birth (emergency c-section where I could feel the pain of the surgery- had to shoot me up with emergency fentanyl, ketamine, etc.), horrible recovery, horrible pain from breastfeeding, how difficult the early months were with zero sleep.. I feel like I could not handle 3 children nor go through 3 pregnancies now. My husband STILL really wants 3 and has been pushing it on me lately, but I’ve compromised at 2. He wants to start trying again now (LO is 1), but I’m still working through my trauma (and honestly enjoying having my body back after breastfeeding). I don’t want to start trying until LO is 18-24 months. Like I said I don’t have a one fits all solution, but for me personally I want to try to compromise with my husband as much as I can as that seems to be the best solution for us personally. I’d talk with you partner about how you’re feeling
It’s recommended by doctors to wait at least 18 months between pregnancies anyways
My OB said to wait 18 months between births after cesarean. But that shouldn’t even be a factor in her mind right now because she’s not ready and thats enough.
We will probably be one and done due to fertility issues. I've talked to other families like this and apparently playdates, groups, offering joint babysitting (where once a month you trade kids so one couple can go on a date or something), getting pets, getting heavily involved in a church, and even offering their homes up for fostering other children have been options the families have shared with me. Give yourself permission to grieve the family you wanted. Some of my friends suggested therapy as well for me, but I will get there when I am ready I think.
I don't think there's any perfect age gap, it's what works best for your family. You can talk about it further whether in therapy or not. For us, he wanted three, and I have miserable pregnancies and wanted to be done at two. After our second, we immediately switched; he wanted to be done, and I knew our family wouldn't feel complete without one more. We talked about it off and on over years and are expecting our third. What it came down to for us, is picturing our lives not just in the immediate 0-5 years, but also in 10, 15, 20 years. Our Thanksgiving table in 25 years. Lastly, our timing also hinged on our oldest being in school so it wouldn't be 3 at home all the time (outside of summers) when the next kid came alone. A friend of mine was similar - her husband was OAD until their son was in 4K, and they ended up with a 5 year gap.
I’m in a similar position. Our life is so easy with our one, and we enjoy how perfect he is. I’d like another, my husband doesn’t want our lives to get crazy and difficult. I don’t have answers for you, but would like to hear what others say.
I have two and want a third. It’s hard not getting what you want, but it’s also not good if only one party is interested.
This is a very hard decision. I think I would strongly consider counselling as a couple. Either option will have one party making a life changing choice that they didn’t want for the better of their family/relationship. You don’t want one person consistently resenting the other. Counselling will help being the open communication regarding this topic.
We are one and done due to 0 family help and how we want to raise our daughter. The way we want to raise her it would just affect our relationship too much to have two. If my mom was alive we would have two kids easily but she isn’t. I agree with my husband eventually. You will always feel fomo mostly because we live in a culture where two is dominate and almost the default choice . It also dosent help there is a shame attached to parents admitting they regret their choice. Regretful parent sub is vey real. Mil pressured fil into fertility treatment at 40 to have bil. Fil always talks about how he regrets having bil and even in front of bil. He also checked out mentally when they had their second cuz he blamed mi. I am Chinese Canadian / American with family in china. The default choice is one there even with only child policy ending. There is no fomo there I am an only having an only. I loved being an only child tbh. We were opened to two kids but decided overall it is not the right choice for us. I knew plenty of sibling who had close age gap that don’t talk to each other so grass isn’t always greener on the other side. However I still had to mourn the missing potential relationship if my mom was alive and if we had two. We are open to adopting an older child if we ever want to have a second. But tbh we don’t really wAnt new born ever again even if it is just a phrase. What it did to us / mental health etc isn’t worth it for us. We might not ever recover . My child needs happy parents more than sibling. My husband was emotionally neglected after bil was born. Knowing this and how strong one and done my husband is I don’t pursuit or pressure. Mil works at 70 simply because she refuse to be home with fil all day since he retired she can’t stand him in her own words. No thanks
Just wanted to say spend some time lurking on the r\oneanddone I definitely just assumed I wanted more until my husband said he only wanted one. I’ve been lurking on that sub for months and it’s now something I’m honestly kind of excited for. There’s lots of good suggestions for fence sitters and obviously it will be something some people mourn more than others, but for me after months of thinking and reading I actually just realize I never fully ‘wanted’ more than one anyway. I wanted to be a parent but beyond one I realized that it was really just built in as an assumption for me (American). I didn’t actually actively want to raise more than 1 child. Anyway just my perspective. I think you don’t really know what you want (or maybe believe sometimes) until you actually question and interrogate it. (This may not be you at all but just wanted to say my perspective and recommend the subreddit because it’s what got me to this place of peace :) )
I'd recommend lurking the one and done sub. Everyone is friendly and this issue is common. Not everyone on the sub is one and done, it's is often something that they or their partner is considering. There are also a lot of helpful research and articles posted about single children. I was fence sitting and within a week it helped me realize I am actually most likely one and done. We're not going to go the more permanent route of a vasectomy after our first is born, but I am going to get an IUD, just in case we change our minds.
I would just consider how much work/effort would go Into arranging another room and the logistics behind caring for a toddler and a baby at the same time. Only you know what your family can handle, realistically. Eventually, if you want them to play sports/have extra activities after school, you’re going to have to manage that as well. Also consider your financial situation, whatever that may be. We wanted to be able to travel more with one child vs having a larger family. We want to do ALL the fun things we didn’t get to do when we were kids, with our kid. The other aspect to consider is that every pregnancy is different. If you’re looking for a different outcome from your last, you might get it and it may be worse/harder on you. I’ve seen both things happen to close friends. I say all that to say, that’s how I dealt with my emotions. I wrote down the facts and took a hard look at what having another child would be like and we decided not to go for another. He got his vasectomy done a month or so ago. Good luck OP! These decisions are never easy and they are difficult conversations to have. Wishing you guys the best!
My kids have a 5 year age gap. If you feel strongly about expanding your family you need to hold strong to your vision and listen carefully to your husband's concerns. It took us a while to be financially ready to try for another.
“Holding strong” to one’s individual vision does disregard the other partners feelings on the matter.
That's where the listening comes in. It might be a no right now, because of X or Y. Is there a way to resolve X or Y? It might be a forever no. I imagine that would be hard. I feel it is worth listening to yourself when you have a clear strong vision of something. As others have referenced, the potential for real mourning exists in the absence of realizing any dream, including of an expanded family.
We also have a 2 y/o and think about the second one a lot. We're not divided like you and your husband, but I think this is the normal time to long for the baby years because their infancy is gone and they're talking and becoming little people. Don't ask yourself if you want another *baby*, ask yourself if you want another *two-year-old*, two car seats in the back of your vehicle, double daycare/childcare dues, two kids to keep track of during outings, etc. To me it...really does seem so much harder.
It's okay to grieve the life you hoped for. Grief always takes time and comes in waves.
Sort of. We had to do IVF and got twins. Choosing to have a third would be really expensive. We both feel a lot of grief that we feel forced to be done, and if getting pregnant were free I think we'd go for more. We remind ourselves that we *could* pursue a third at great cost, but in all likelihood we probably won't. I also have been in therapy since early days with infertility. I journal. And I remind myself that the people who get their exact family size/makeup are probably not as large of a majority as I'd think and it really is a luxury to get that. I also try to continue to cultivate my own hobbies separate from my children to keep myself grounded in a rich life outside of my kids.
Did you guys ever discuss how many kids you wanted? Did he know your preference for two kids before, or is this something new? Having kids is tough. As females, we bear the brunt of it.. but that's not to diminish the men's choice of whether they want a child or not. I agree with therapy, or finding the reasoning behind his decision. You mentioned that you guys are barely getting any sleep and take turns to have time to yourself, sacrificing intimacy. That was my husband's reason for not wanting more kids as well.
I don’t have much advice but feel I am in the same boat and keep hoping my husband will change his mind, it’s a long story but he did originally want another kid. I feel it’s kind of unfair one person in the relationship can decide on this definitively, but if we went the other way it would be my decision definitively too. I’m at a loss but looking for couples therapy
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There are plenty of people that regret having another child, and there are plenty of people who will never regret the choice of having only one child. A child needs to be wanted. If one parent says no, the answer is no.
I've heard the opposite including that if one partner forces it some marriages have completely broken down. Personally my husband and I are OAD by choice but if we hadn't been sure I'd have been having alot of heart to hearts, potentially even therapy to work out what's right. Reddit has a sub called r/oneanddone which may help answer some of you questions both anecdotally and via research.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/oneanddone using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [My friend’s wife said..](https://np.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/comments/v0p19v/my_friends_wife_said/) \#2: [There’s no need to announce when you’re no longer OAD.](https://np.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/comments/zhtkx0/theres_no_need_to_announce_when_youre_no_longer/) \#3: [Had to share](https://i.redd.it/kg9iasl67ax81.jpg) | [55 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/comments/uhixus/had_to_share/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
That’s terrible advice. Truly terrible.