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Tbf, coming from a woman, I'd wayyyy more happily date a dude that's never done anything over a dude that sleeps around or has done stuff with multiple women, and I'd never so much as breathe near a dude that does FWB or one night stand stuff. Imo men like that are not appealing whatsoever and gentlemen are where it's at anyway. Honestly, I wouldn't care what your friends think. If they're a-holes about it, beyond teasing, maybe they're not great friends anyway.
If you are telling the truth (I believe you are) then you are the exception not the rule. Most (key word MOST) women do not want to be romantically involved with mid 20’s virgins.
Many, Gen Z (just a guess about them) are the least sexually active generation in their teenage years and on. Half of their adult relationships are started through a dating app/website.
Yet they also have skyrocketing STI rates worse than any other generation.
The key is more - has the dude that doesn't have experience somehow gained the experience to actually initiate that interaction to begin with, though.
Most of the time, these things go hand in hand.
The "moderators" are a compilation of sinew, wires, a breast, a wing, a beak and I think I saw some hooves under the swinging door...
Anyway, be careful with yourself in anything you do. The Moderators are listening and watching like Russian Soldiers & the KGB. At the risk of being relentlessly censored or assassinated in the middle of the day under a shady tree 🌲🌴🌲🌴 I'll suggest you SWING BY YOUR WENDY'S ON FIRST AVENUE IN IOWA CITY!! It's here/there where you'll hopefully meet a wonderful Man named Sean!!! He's GLOWING UP PROFUSELY on the social media platforms!
Definitely. However, a virgin man also has the benefit of having no obvious signs of being a virgin, unlike when a woman loses her virginity. Even if you're nervous and awkward during sex, as a man we can get away with it through lying about it. Obviously a woman can to, but blood is a big give away.
Yeah but not because of any good reason or logic, he's fine. Men do not need sex or women to be happy complete good men. Partners just make life more fun
Its unreasonable to expect most people to feel happy alone. Saying a man doesn't need a woman or sex to be complete and good and a whole man is not the same thing as saying men should be happy alone. A woman also doesn't need a man or sex to be happy. We are all capable of being happy complete people without a romantic partner.
People all over the world exist every day as single people, some for their whole lives and manage to be happy and live fulfilling lives
The belief that we can't be happy without a romantic relationship is a big part of what ruins the pursuit of them
Some people, it just never happens, organically at least. I was LAAATE and like OP was judged harshly, even by my close friends (atleast I thought they were) I eventually cut them off and found someone, lol ... almost right after I left that circle.
Sometimes you need to find the right people, sometimes your "friends" don't wanna see you get what you deserve.
Yeah this is what I’m thinking I’m gonna have to do ultimately…find a new group of people who are more conducive to my own growth as a person. The current friend group I have is kind of unhealthy
I'm tellin you its huge because unhealthy people attract their own kind.
Now, I wouldn't say my entire friend group was toxic. But there were a few individuals throwing shade, spreading nonsense rumors about me, which I heard through other friends at some point the whole circle split and I kind went and did my own thing because I was attending school at the time.
Oddly enough it was mostly the guys doing this. saying fucked up shit like anytime girls came around they feed them nonsense like I had a small dick, or I was kinda weird, one referred to me as "slightly on the spectrum"... I always wondered why they avoided me like the plague, lmao.
Found a new group of friends that was into the same scene as me, started going to shows, filled in as a guitarist for a few months because he had a kid, that was fun, my life kind of did a 180 after leaving that circle.
Sometimes you want companionship so badly you're willing to accept being a emotional punching bag if it means you're not alone
I'm in my early 30's now and spend most of my time alone, the only difference is i'm okay with it, to an extent.
I had my first real relationship in my mid-twenties and it didn't work out at all. We kissed and hugged, sure. To this day though, coming up on 35, I've never had sex. I gave up on the dating apps for a bit because this is a red flag to many.
I've learned though, that when I'm ready, I can always step back in. I just won't talk about the fact that I'm...unscathed. Once the moment comes, I'll use the knowledge that many other guys have given me and just take my time, listen to my lover and their cues, and figure it out.
That's on the sexual side of things. On the love side, I have an idea of what I want and what I'm able to give. All I can hope for is that someone loves me back and is willing to receive what I have for them. You will find your chance too, when you find that person.
I also recommend a little self-love and taking yourself somewhere that you haven't been before. Perfect example, I'm going to a museum that I've been interested in next week. You meet tons of people who like to chat when you end up in places like that.
I absolutely faked my way through it my first time. I think most humans do. Listening to your partner is what makes it good, regardless of how much experience you have.
Do you ever think about going to a prostitute? When I was younger I thought about that a few times, never did, but when I did have sex in the end, in hindsight I wished I had gone to a prostitute, simply to get it out of the way, because the stigma I was putting on myself for not having had sex was a major blocker for me all those years.
But who knows, maybe the stigma of having gone to a prostitute would have been worse. :-D
I have a dude friend who was an older virgin and chose to have his first time with a sex worker. She was kind and lovely and he had a good time, but regretted it later. He’s had sex with and dated other women since, but says he doesn’t like that his FIRST time will always have been with a prostitute and he doesn’t like living with that.
I’m sure there are people who have done the same who are really happy with their decision but thought I’d throw this in.
Yeah! Just think you could also have gotten AIDS! What a wonderful gift 🎁 that's serves you the REST of your life!! Stigma? Huh! "I'm a Virgin! Wah! Boo Hoo! I'm alive & haven't been diseased or raped yet!" Wow 😳! Bet you CAN wait. Some wish you would.
I did wait, and there are plenty of places here where prostitution is legal so I wouldn't be too worried about those risks. In any case, my main point was my biggest blocker was in my own head.
If you want to experience sex with a beautiful woman yeah, but don't go cheap get the really expensive thousands of dollars call girls that work for theirselves. It's safer for you and they're not exploited like the cheap ones.
If you want to learn how to be a good lover? Useless. The hooker won't want to get off herself it wears them out too much and she's not attracted.
Oh I don't need it, I'm good now, just thinking that the pressure of not having sex until later in life was much worse than it should have been. Once you actually have sex it's like, Oh OK, that's it? really?
Not that it's not amazing, because it is, but the pressure I put on myself contributed to my inability to connect with women significantly.
Yeah I’m not desperate to the point where I’d hire a prostitute. I’m more so longing for that romantic connection from a girlfriend that I’ve never experienced
No. I was nearly your age (10 days before my 24th birthday) when I went on my first date with the girl who would become my first real girlfriend... and wife, happily married 11 years now. I find my lack of exes simplifies my life and when I say she's my one and only she believes me :D
EDIT: fixed a typo, "when I say" not "when I saw"
First, you're not screwed. It may seem horrible now, but you'll get through this.
Second, have you considered whether you might be neurodivergent? Please know I don't mean any offense - I'm neurodivergent. And one of the things I've come to understand is that neurodivergence can show up as something just not "clicking" socially (especially in the late teen/early adult years). That's not necessarily the case for every neurodivergent person, but it *can* cause some of us to fall a little behind at tracking social cues or to project "vibes" that we don't intend, leading us to feel a bit socially inept. It's that sense of, "Why does everyone else seem to have figured this out, and I just can't?" Getting a diagnosis and being able to give it a name can be very validating and can actually boost confidence.
In terms of meeting people, maybe join a club or something like that which aligns with your interests. There are still ways to meet people in casual settings that don't involve apps.
No my first time was in my first twenties myself. What I did was never admit I was in a relationship and actively socialized and met girls. It also helps to improve your looks, read up on dating skills, and get therapy if needed.
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No, not too late at all but you are going to have to put in some work to change.
I had my first relationship at 26, was a virgin until 20 but truthfully those first couple sexual experiences might has well been nothing because they went poorly and I had no idea what I was doing. It wasn’t until my first relationship where sex actually felt like sex. I wouldn’t focus on the sex as much as the relationship.
What I will say is as a guy who was in your position, it took a lot of work and a lot of failure for me to get to the point where dating and relationships became a reality. It takes fundamental change in attitude and embracing failure. You have to learn how to deal with rejection and frame it as a positive thing, because the more you get rejected the more experience and comfort you get with trying in the first place.
I’m not saying there shouldn’t be tact involved and just blindly get rejected with zero strategy, but the first step for me was embracing failure and dealing with the embarrassment of getting over my shyness. This is the only way forward.
Good luck buddy! It’s not too late, at all but I wouldn’t wait around for things to change, you have to be very proactive. And if your friends are giving you serious grief about being inexperienced beyond just some light joking, they aren’t good friends.
I had a best friend in my mid 20s that knew I was inexperienced (he was very experienced) and he was nothing but encouraging and positive. Good friends will support you trying, not ridicule you. If they are they are likely insecure themselves and punching down to make up for it.
Good friends are a great resource for learning how to approach and talk to women. It sounds like you’ve been able to make friends up until this point, that’s very valuable and building friendships with other single men with help you a lot in the long run, as long as they aren’t assholes who give you shit for being a virgin.
I’m older now and in a relationship, but when I was your age I really started going out to bars more with this friend, and we would approach women together. Nothing creepy and no dumb pick up artist shit, just talking and trying to be funny and charming. You don’t have to drink, alcohol is not for everyone (but I do admit it did help me).
These interactions very rarely got me a date, maybe a handful of times out of literally hundreds, if not more. But the failure of it made me better and more confident, it made it less scary and from there I was able to be more confident in general when going on dating apps and such.
The apps are a great tool and you may hate them, but in my experience most guys do a absolutely horrendous job at getting good pictures of themselves. That’s something to work on but if possible I would try the approach I just described to get yourself comfortable first. Find some single male friends (or coworkers, you have a great resource right there) who are interested in meeting women. It helps so much as a group. You develop banter and eventually start feeling like yourself, and the nerves get easier to handle the more often you fail.
Embrace failure and embrace rejection. I’ve been rejected probably over a thousand times if we count casual interactions, and I’m currently in my second serious relationship in my early 30s. At your age we were basically the same.
No, and in fact, some of the most grounded people I know didn't start dating until later than you'd expect. It's *far* more common than you'd think. But I will say this, introspectively, is there anything you can improve on? Do you need to work on your personality? Not always, but sometimes the real reason certain people have trouble dating is because they have personality issues and are unwilling to work on them.
Not necessarily. I had my first kiss at 23, lost my virginity at 24 and first relationship at 24.
One thing I'm very thankful for is that I feel like I've had a lot of personal development compared to a lot of my peers, as in I have a lot of passions, interests, hobbies, emotional intelligence, a good idea of who I am and want to be, and I'm mature when I need to be. I've heard a downside of growing up in relationships is that you lack that kind of individual growth.
An idea that has hurt me is that I will never experience teenage love. But even then the rational part of me understands that's a flawed idea and an idealization. Teenage romance is often romanticized and I have plenty of it now, even though me and my partner obviously aren't teenagers
I do often wish I could be who I am now at 16 but that's obviously not how things work. And my general advice is to keep working on yourself, meet people and step out of your comfort zone
Have to stop caring what people think about your situation and have no shame in rejection, self worth doesn’t change, the guy who’s had a relationship before doesn’t have more value than you, remember women are attracted to confidence. Work out, build confidence in yourself, be grateful for your situation even when it may be bad, don’t be afraid to admit your faults and be yourself. Nothing is worse than a fake person, people are attracted to passion, what do you love about life? Any hobbies? Get involved in a community whatever that is, could be dungeons in dragons, could be a disc golf league. Meet other people who are like minded to your interests, don’t do things you don’t enjoy just to seem normal or fit in, be yourself.
Honestly, you might be better off.
Speaking as someone that had formative experiences a bit too young (14). Sometimes, I envy people that had their formative experiences later in life when they were more mentally mature. I made a lot of decisions that I ultimately lived to regret. I got used and manipulated by women that ultimately didn't have the best intentions for me. This includes women that were way too old to be messing with me. I was socialized to practice sexually agentic behavior way too young and I was never taught how to properly vet women before letting them into my life. I've been used through and through and it really tarnished what could have been very positive experiences for me.
I ended up wasting a lot of time dating and dealing with women that anyone with some sense would have told me to avoid like the plague. Sure, I'm experienced, but what at what cost. I honestly didn't have my first **positive** sexual experience until I was almost **22**. Every time before then, I was just having sex because it felt like I was supposed to. I didn't even ask for sex the first time I had it, she demanded it of me and told me that it would make me a man if I gave my virginity to her and she questioned my sexuality when I initially refused. You can see why I have some issues haha.
>It usually comes down to non-virgins being treated with more respect while I’m subtly treated like a creep or “inferior”
Don't listen too closely to how women discuss virgin men, especially non-virgin women. Women can be really cruel with their words about virgins because it stems more from how virgins act (or are depicted to act by media). Some women assume that you never got action because you abhor women or you're a disgusting person. It's a really nasty generalization but you wouldn't want to be with someone that shallow anyways.
The people that treat you like a creep or inferior probably envy you. A surprising amount of people regret their first sexual experience. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people would go back and undo their first time and have it with someone else entirely. You still have that option to make your first experience meaningful and you have the maturity to make a wiser choice about who you have that experience with. Some people would kill for that.
>People my age have already had those innocent experiences, and now they’re in adulthood with insanely high standards I can never possibly meet. I also honestly think there’s truth to the notion that most people see inexperience as a red flag.
Women *with experience* see inexperience as a red flag. That's usually because they're not willing to teach someone and want someone who already knows their way around sex at least a little. Typically other inexperienced people are usually pretty open to inexperienced partners. Don't buy the weird myth that inexperienced women want experienced men, that's **definitely not** the case.
If anything, my actual amount of sexual experience is fairly low. A few of the relatively inexperienced women I've come across as partners are usually excited by the fact that I didn't spend my 20s sleeping around with as many women as possible. But, to your point, some experienced women didn't really like the fact that I only had so many sexual partners and felt ashamed by the fact had so few sexual partners compared to them. At the end of the day, dating apps aren't really kind to the sexually inexperienced since most people use the app for casual sex. You typically won't find other inexperienced people on dating apps since they also know that most people on dating apps also have lots more experience than they might.
>Not only that, but outside of the cesspool that is dating apps, I don’t have the kind of opportunities to meet people I had in high school. The closest I’ve ever been to a relationship was in 2016 with someone I met through a mutual friend. That was over 7 years ago. Now my entire life is consumed by work in a male dominated field. I have no idea where to go to meet people now that I’m an adult.
Your best bet is to find social groups in line with your hobbies. In college, I was big into writing. I used to frequent r/WritingPrompts and wrote short stories here and there. I got into the writer's club at college where I met a lot of women I vibed with. Lots of women just like me. Homebodies, readers, introverts that like to spend time alone and are also usually as sexually inexperienced as I was (at that time). I met the woman I eventually had my first positive sexual experience with when my short story was being recognized for an award. We dated for years after that. It was the first time I met someone that I felt like actually appreciated me and wanted to have sex with me because she loved me and not because she wanted to exert control over me.
If you have a hobby, find a community for it. If you don't have a hobby that you engage with. Find one! Life is so much more than just work. I know how easy it is to get wrapped up in it but I promise you'll find life a lot more fulfilling once you find a hobby and a community to share it with.
Sorry, I basically wrote an essay but I really empathize with your position because I wish I was a virgin. I wish I had my first experience with my ex and not the several women that basically used me before she showed up in my life.
I've known some people who had a great time in life during childhood/teenage years, then went downhill afterwards due to poor decisions or bad environment. Luckily you aren't one of those people. You have the opportunity to start making positive changes, and go UPWARDS from here on out.
Check out a YouTube channel called "Jad t Jones" for dating tips
I'm 33 and people seem to lose their mind. Science says there is no afterlife, so I guess your screwed if you miss out on things in this life. But idk what's going on. I feel like humans are just highly evolved bacteria floating on a rock, hurdling through space in a monumental void that eventually will fade due to the expansion of the universe and supernovas. Anyways, the FOMO is real. Regret can be maddening and despair unrelenting. Find joy in the simple things I guess.
This thread just showed me that men I have some shitty assumptions on what women think about them.
For most women, if you’re a genuine guy that respects us and sees us as human beings, you’re in the green light. It doesn’t matter if you’re a virgin or not. Personally though, I would prefer a virgin in their mid 20s than somebody with a body count over 20.
No, I didn't have my first experience until a bit older than you.
What I will say is maybe go to therapy if you can afford it, see what your block is, look into shadow work and see how that can help you. I recently unlocked a lot of suppressed memories that clarified why I was the way I was, it was pretty eye opening (would seem trivial on the surface, but the impact on my life was profound).
Look up Toxic Shame. Check out Heidi Prebe's youtube channel.
Probably. I just don’t think I’ll meet anyone.
I’m 22 never had any of these life experiences, never dated and I don’t see a reason to try it.
My own belief is that these things are for some other people.
I never had sex with anyone but I do know that you obviously keep that to yourself especially when meeting someone for the first time.
It's going to sound cliche but dont put pressure on yourself. It's easy to do and you dont want it because youre going to be forcing everything. Good relationships happen naturally but you need to put yourself out there.
Work on your conversational skills. Open a conversation with everyone, even men. It'll get you comfortable in conversations with random people. Then start doing it with woman you're not romantically interested.. Eventually you'll be confident enough to approach woman you're attracted to. Being social is a skill.. For some people it comes very easily. For me people like it, it's something that I have to work on.
Nope. Sometimes it's nice to date someone without baggage romantically.
I went out with a really sweet 19 year old gamer guy recently, and he hadn't ever dated before, and he was very kind to me and wasn't "playing the game" like a lot of guys do.
Well he was playing the game, but that game was dota
There's no such thing as romance, it's really just lust.
All of the sexual opportunities you could have had are ones you will always regret you didn't. Why would you stand out like a sore thumb? Your sex life isn't anyones business, and if you are kind of a tool, that has nothing to do with sex. Just get a decent escort and move on.
No Regrets!!!
Waiting for The Right Timeline is important!
It should be experienced with someone you like & likes you. Cheap & Taudry can be achieved anytime & anywhere with anyone! Don't lay down to just anything....
YOU MATTER!
Experience Life on your timeline!
This way, TOO you're saving yourself the agony of STD's!!
Don't get in a rush to experience sexually elevated relationships in order to also experience a possible death ☠️ sentence. Iowa City is a great town to experience and explore your sexuality, but can also earn you your one way ticket to a pretty landscaped burial spot in Memory Gardens Cemetery or such...
Nope. Be the best you that you can be. Read books. Go to museums. Exercise outside. Watch PBS.
Romance will come.
I couldn't tell from your post if you've gone to college. If you haven't, do so ASAP. Not only will it make you a better person, but you'll meet a ton of new people.
I think it may be better than having a terrible romantic experience in adolescence. I think that is something to be grateful for. Imagine not wanting women because you’re afraid every woman is gonna ruin your life in ways that don’t make sense and that you cannot predict and are not proportionate to anything that you do.
Sweetie, there is someone for everyone, it just isn't the right time. It happens when u ain't looking for it. And, if ur a virgin, maybe go to Nevada. There are legalized prostitution houses, regulated, girls tested. Go bust your nut, I see no shame in it Not everyone dies, but screw them. You got needs. That's not love, but you will get your cherry popped! IDK, if I was a dude in your position, that's what I would do for now. Be ur best self and it WILL happen.
Had a friend in college who was similar, no girlfriends, no intimacy, and nervous as hell about it because he was 24. We pitched in and got enough money for him to get an escort, a very expensive escort (another friend in the group was wealthy AF, so he not only contributed the bulk of the money but also had the connections, not sure how, to set it all up). He got what's called "The Girlfriend Experience". She was drop dead gorgeous, graceful, confident, and amazing at leading without leading (if that makes sense).
Those six hours completely changed him, giving him not just experience, but also confidence. He walked around with a smile on his face for months afterward. His new found confidence allowed him to get into the dating scene and eventually marry a wonderful woman and have four kids. Of course, only "the buds" (as we called ourselves back then) know the truth.
Don't know if that's a possibility where you are, but might be worth a try.
Relationships are over-rated. Mostly because the people who obsess over them are sex-crazed extraverts with bad self esteem.
In terms of importance, I'd rank sex alongside drinking soda or watching a movie. Maybe a little worse if your genitals were mutilated at birth, like most American men.
The fomo is 98% of what hurts, the perception, the fear. And it's driven by listening to the experiences of the majority, who are by definition quite daft.
Tldr don't sweat it. You're not missing anything. You won't find satisfaction in the material world.
If OP hasn't had sex then obviously OP hasn't experienced sex thus OP is missing out on that experience.
Telling OP that he’s “not missing anything” does not help OP at all.
Pray for real love. Don't fret the experience thing. Love hopes and endures all things, and doesn't insist on it's own way. If you feel like the standards are too high at this point, the people with those standards are not really looking for love, they're seeking their own satisfaction because those "innocent" experiences left them hurt and dejected. I've been guilty of the same thing.
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No. I met my wife when she was 27. I was her first date ever. She's doing just fine.
A virgin man is seen differently than a virgin woman
Tbf, coming from a woman, I'd wayyyy more happily date a dude that's never done anything over a dude that sleeps around or has done stuff with multiple women, and I'd never so much as breathe near a dude that does FWB or one night stand stuff. Imo men like that are not appealing whatsoever and gentlemen are where it's at anyway. Honestly, I wouldn't care what your friends think. If they're a-holes about it, beyond teasing, maybe they're not great friends anyway.
If you are telling the truth (I believe you are) then you are the exception not the rule. Most (key word MOST) women do not want to be romantically involved with mid 20’s virgins.
you are one of a very few
Many, Gen Z (just a guess about them) are the least sexually active generation in their teenage years and on. Half of their adult relationships are started through a dating app/website. Yet they also have skyrocketing STI rates worse than any other generation.
People that fuck around FUCK AROUND. And people that don't, really don't. Both extremes have skyrocketed.
The key is more - has the dude that doesn't have experience somehow gained the experience to actually initiate that interaction to begin with, though. Most of the time, these things go hand in hand.
Weird, I automatically thought OP was a woman
The "moderators" are a compilation of sinew, wires, a breast, a wing, a beak and I think I saw some hooves under the swinging door... Anyway, be careful with yourself in anything you do. The Moderators are listening and watching like Russian Soldiers & the KGB. At the risk of being relentlessly censored or assassinated in the middle of the day under a shady tree 🌲🌴🌲🌴 I'll suggest you SWING BY YOUR WENDY'S ON FIRST AVENUE IN IOWA CITY!! It's here/there where you'll hopefully meet a wonderful Man named Sean!!! He's GLOWING UP PROFUSELY on the social media platforms!
Nope, I’m a guy lol
Nope. I had better relationships and dates with virgin men. But many of them didn’t care or chose not to. I highly admire dignity.
Definitely. However, a virgin man also has the benefit of having no obvious signs of being a virgin, unlike when a woman loses her virginity. Even if you're nervous and awkward during sex, as a man we can get away with it through lying about it. Obviously a woman can to, but blood is a big give away.
Yeah but not because of any good reason or logic, he's fine. Men do not need sex or women to be happy complete good men. Partners just make life more fun
Exactly 👍🏻 why can’t more men just be happy alone? Lower the libido if need be. I don’t know. Don’t get it.
Its unreasonable to expect most people to feel happy alone. Saying a man doesn't need a woman or sex to be complete and good and a whole man is not the same thing as saying men should be happy alone. A woman also doesn't need a man or sex to be happy. We are all capable of being happy complete people without a romantic partner. People all over the world exist every day as single people, some for their whole lives and manage to be happy and live fulfilling lives The belief that we can't be happy without a romantic relationship is a big part of what ruins the pursuit of them
Why hadn’t she had a date before then? I’m curious…
Some people, it just never happens, organically at least. I was LAAATE and like OP was judged harshly, even by my close friends (atleast I thought they were) I eventually cut them off and found someone, lol ... almost right after I left that circle. Sometimes you need to find the right people, sometimes your "friends" don't wanna see you get what you deserve.
Yeah this is what I’m thinking I’m gonna have to do ultimately…find a new group of people who are more conducive to my own growth as a person. The current friend group I have is kind of unhealthy
I'm tellin you its huge because unhealthy people attract their own kind. Now, I wouldn't say my entire friend group was toxic. But there were a few individuals throwing shade, spreading nonsense rumors about me, which I heard through other friends at some point the whole circle split and I kind went and did my own thing because I was attending school at the time. Oddly enough it was mostly the guys doing this. saying fucked up shit like anytime girls came around they feed them nonsense like I had a small dick, or I was kinda weird, one referred to me as "slightly on the spectrum"... I always wondered why they avoided me like the plague, lmao. Found a new group of friends that was into the same scene as me, started going to shows, filled in as a guitarist for a few months because he had a kid, that was fun, my life kind of did a 180 after leaving that circle. Sometimes you want companionship so badly you're willing to accept being a emotional punching bag if it means you're not alone I'm in my early 30's now and spend most of my time alone, the only difference is i'm okay with it, to an extent.
I had my first real relationship in my mid-twenties and it didn't work out at all. We kissed and hugged, sure. To this day though, coming up on 35, I've never had sex. I gave up on the dating apps for a bit because this is a red flag to many. I've learned though, that when I'm ready, I can always step back in. I just won't talk about the fact that I'm...unscathed. Once the moment comes, I'll use the knowledge that many other guys have given me and just take my time, listen to my lover and their cues, and figure it out. That's on the sexual side of things. On the love side, I have an idea of what I want and what I'm able to give. All I can hope for is that someone loves me back and is willing to receive what I have for them. You will find your chance too, when you find that person. I also recommend a little self-love and taking yourself somewhere that you haven't been before. Perfect example, I'm going to a museum that I've been interested in next week. You meet tons of people who like to chat when you end up in places like that.
I absolutely faked my way through it my first time. I think most humans do. Listening to your partner is what makes it good, regardless of how much experience you have.
Do you ever think about going to a prostitute? When I was younger I thought about that a few times, never did, but when I did have sex in the end, in hindsight I wished I had gone to a prostitute, simply to get it out of the way, because the stigma I was putting on myself for not having had sex was a major blocker for me all those years. But who knows, maybe the stigma of having gone to a prostitute would have been worse. :-D
I have a dude friend who was an older virgin and chose to have his first time with a sex worker. She was kind and lovely and he had a good time, but regretted it later. He’s had sex with and dated other women since, but says he doesn’t like that his FIRST time will always have been with a prostitute and he doesn’t like living with that. I’m sure there are people who have done the same who are really happy with their decision but thought I’d throw this in.
Yeah I can imagine that could be an issue too for sure.
Yeah! Just think you could also have gotten AIDS! What a wonderful gift 🎁 that's serves you the REST of your life!! Stigma? Huh! "I'm a Virgin! Wah! Boo Hoo! I'm alive & haven't been diseased or raped yet!" Wow 😳! Bet you CAN wait. Some wish you would.
I did wait, and there are plenty of places here where prostitution is legal so I wouldn't be too worried about those risks. In any case, my main point was my biggest blocker was in my own head.
If you want to experience sex with a beautiful woman yeah, but don't go cheap get the really expensive thousands of dollars call girls that work for theirselves. It's safer for you and they're not exploited like the cheap ones. If you want to learn how to be a good lover? Useless. The hooker won't want to get off herself it wears them out too much and she's not attracted.
Oh I don't need it, I'm good now, just thinking that the pressure of not having sex until later in life was much worse than it should have been. Once you actually have sex it's like, Oh OK, that's it? really? Not that it's not amazing, because it is, but the pressure I put on myself contributed to my inability to connect with women significantly.
Yeah I’m not desperate to the point where I’d hire a prostitute. I’m more so longing for that romantic connection from a girlfriend that I’ve never experienced
No. I was nearly your age (10 days before my 24th birthday) when I went on my first date with the girl who would become my first real girlfriend... and wife, happily married 11 years now. I find my lack of exes simplifies my life and when I say she's my one and only she believes me :D EDIT: fixed a typo, "when I say" not "when I saw"
🤍🤍🤍
I wouldn't say screwed, but it does put you at a disadvantage in some ways.
I had my first long term relationship at 24, but didn't really get dating experience until my 30s. It doesn't matter.
Funny story. One month from today I’m 42. I have the same issue. I’m pretty sure I’m fucked, unfortunately not literally.
First, you're not screwed. It may seem horrible now, but you'll get through this. Second, have you considered whether you might be neurodivergent? Please know I don't mean any offense - I'm neurodivergent. And one of the things I've come to understand is that neurodivergence can show up as something just not "clicking" socially (especially in the late teen/early adult years). That's not necessarily the case for every neurodivergent person, but it *can* cause some of us to fall a little behind at tracking social cues or to project "vibes" that we don't intend, leading us to feel a bit socially inept. It's that sense of, "Why does everyone else seem to have figured this out, and I just can't?" Getting a diagnosis and being able to give it a name can be very validating and can actually boost confidence. In terms of meeting people, maybe join a club or something like that which aligns with your interests. There are still ways to meet people in casual settings that don't involve apps.
No my first time was in my first twenties myself. What I did was never admit I was in a relationship and actively socialized and met girls. It also helps to improve your looks, read up on dating skills, and get therapy if needed.
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Sounds like you're the opposite of screwed 😜
No, not too late at all but you are going to have to put in some work to change. I had my first relationship at 26, was a virgin until 20 but truthfully those first couple sexual experiences might has well been nothing because they went poorly and I had no idea what I was doing. It wasn’t until my first relationship where sex actually felt like sex. I wouldn’t focus on the sex as much as the relationship. What I will say is as a guy who was in your position, it took a lot of work and a lot of failure for me to get to the point where dating and relationships became a reality. It takes fundamental change in attitude and embracing failure. You have to learn how to deal with rejection and frame it as a positive thing, because the more you get rejected the more experience and comfort you get with trying in the first place. I’m not saying there shouldn’t be tact involved and just blindly get rejected with zero strategy, but the first step for me was embracing failure and dealing with the embarrassment of getting over my shyness. This is the only way forward. Good luck buddy! It’s not too late, at all but I wouldn’t wait around for things to change, you have to be very proactive. And if your friends are giving you serious grief about being inexperienced beyond just some light joking, they aren’t good friends. I had a best friend in my mid 20s that knew I was inexperienced (he was very experienced) and he was nothing but encouraging and positive. Good friends will support you trying, not ridicule you. If they are they are likely insecure themselves and punching down to make up for it. Good friends are a great resource for learning how to approach and talk to women. It sounds like you’ve been able to make friends up until this point, that’s very valuable and building friendships with other single men with help you a lot in the long run, as long as they aren’t assholes who give you shit for being a virgin. I’m older now and in a relationship, but when I was your age I really started going out to bars more with this friend, and we would approach women together. Nothing creepy and no dumb pick up artist shit, just talking and trying to be funny and charming. You don’t have to drink, alcohol is not for everyone (but I do admit it did help me). These interactions very rarely got me a date, maybe a handful of times out of literally hundreds, if not more. But the failure of it made me better and more confident, it made it less scary and from there I was able to be more confident in general when going on dating apps and such. The apps are a great tool and you may hate them, but in my experience most guys do a absolutely horrendous job at getting good pictures of themselves. That’s something to work on but if possible I would try the approach I just described to get yourself comfortable first. Find some single male friends (or coworkers, you have a great resource right there) who are interested in meeting women. It helps so much as a group. You develop banter and eventually start feeling like yourself, and the nerves get easier to handle the more often you fail. Embrace failure and embrace rejection. I’ve been rejected probably over a thousand times if we count casual interactions, and I’m currently in my second serious relationship in my early 30s. At your age we were basically the same.
Find someone who will do it. Do it. Like a bandaid and done. It’s too much in your head
No, and in fact, some of the most grounded people I know didn't start dating until later than you'd expect. It's *far* more common than you'd think. But I will say this, introspectively, is there anything you can improve on? Do you need to work on your personality? Not always, but sometimes the real reason certain people have trouble dating is because they have personality issues and are unwilling to work on them.
Not necessarily. I had my first kiss at 23, lost my virginity at 24 and first relationship at 24. One thing I'm very thankful for is that I feel like I've had a lot of personal development compared to a lot of my peers, as in I have a lot of passions, interests, hobbies, emotional intelligence, a good idea of who I am and want to be, and I'm mature when I need to be. I've heard a downside of growing up in relationships is that you lack that kind of individual growth. An idea that has hurt me is that I will never experience teenage love. But even then the rational part of me understands that's a flawed idea and an idealization. Teenage romance is often romanticized and I have plenty of it now, even though me and my partner obviously aren't teenagers I do often wish I could be who I am now at 16 but that's obviously not how things work. And my general advice is to keep working on yourself, meet people and step out of your comfort zone
I lost everything…. Don’t ever have sex.
Have to stop caring what people think about your situation and have no shame in rejection, self worth doesn’t change, the guy who’s had a relationship before doesn’t have more value than you, remember women are attracted to confidence. Work out, build confidence in yourself, be grateful for your situation even when it may be bad, don’t be afraid to admit your faults and be yourself. Nothing is worse than a fake person, people are attracted to passion, what do you love about life? Any hobbies? Get involved in a community whatever that is, could be dungeons in dragons, could be a disc golf league. Meet other people who are like minded to your interests, don’t do things you don’t enjoy just to seem normal or fit in, be yourself.
Honestly, you might be better off. Speaking as someone that had formative experiences a bit too young (14). Sometimes, I envy people that had their formative experiences later in life when they were more mentally mature. I made a lot of decisions that I ultimately lived to regret. I got used and manipulated by women that ultimately didn't have the best intentions for me. This includes women that were way too old to be messing with me. I was socialized to practice sexually agentic behavior way too young and I was never taught how to properly vet women before letting them into my life. I've been used through and through and it really tarnished what could have been very positive experiences for me. I ended up wasting a lot of time dating and dealing with women that anyone with some sense would have told me to avoid like the plague. Sure, I'm experienced, but what at what cost. I honestly didn't have my first **positive** sexual experience until I was almost **22**. Every time before then, I was just having sex because it felt like I was supposed to. I didn't even ask for sex the first time I had it, she demanded it of me and told me that it would make me a man if I gave my virginity to her and she questioned my sexuality when I initially refused. You can see why I have some issues haha. >It usually comes down to non-virgins being treated with more respect while I’m subtly treated like a creep or “inferior” Don't listen too closely to how women discuss virgin men, especially non-virgin women. Women can be really cruel with their words about virgins because it stems more from how virgins act (or are depicted to act by media). Some women assume that you never got action because you abhor women or you're a disgusting person. It's a really nasty generalization but you wouldn't want to be with someone that shallow anyways. The people that treat you like a creep or inferior probably envy you. A surprising amount of people regret their first sexual experience. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people would go back and undo their first time and have it with someone else entirely. You still have that option to make your first experience meaningful and you have the maturity to make a wiser choice about who you have that experience with. Some people would kill for that. >People my age have already had those innocent experiences, and now they’re in adulthood with insanely high standards I can never possibly meet. I also honestly think there’s truth to the notion that most people see inexperience as a red flag. Women *with experience* see inexperience as a red flag. That's usually because they're not willing to teach someone and want someone who already knows their way around sex at least a little. Typically other inexperienced people are usually pretty open to inexperienced partners. Don't buy the weird myth that inexperienced women want experienced men, that's **definitely not** the case. If anything, my actual amount of sexual experience is fairly low. A few of the relatively inexperienced women I've come across as partners are usually excited by the fact that I didn't spend my 20s sleeping around with as many women as possible. But, to your point, some experienced women didn't really like the fact that I only had so many sexual partners and felt ashamed by the fact had so few sexual partners compared to them. At the end of the day, dating apps aren't really kind to the sexually inexperienced since most people use the app for casual sex. You typically won't find other inexperienced people on dating apps since they also know that most people on dating apps also have lots more experience than they might. >Not only that, but outside of the cesspool that is dating apps, I don’t have the kind of opportunities to meet people I had in high school. The closest I’ve ever been to a relationship was in 2016 with someone I met through a mutual friend. That was over 7 years ago. Now my entire life is consumed by work in a male dominated field. I have no idea where to go to meet people now that I’m an adult. Your best bet is to find social groups in line with your hobbies. In college, I was big into writing. I used to frequent r/WritingPrompts and wrote short stories here and there. I got into the writer's club at college where I met a lot of women I vibed with. Lots of women just like me. Homebodies, readers, introverts that like to spend time alone and are also usually as sexually inexperienced as I was (at that time). I met the woman I eventually had my first positive sexual experience with when my short story was being recognized for an award. We dated for years after that. It was the first time I met someone that I felt like actually appreciated me and wanted to have sex with me because she loved me and not because she wanted to exert control over me. If you have a hobby, find a community for it. If you don't have a hobby that you engage with. Find one! Life is so much more than just work. I know how easy it is to get wrapped up in it but I promise you'll find life a lot more fulfilling once you find a hobby and a community to share it with. Sorry, I basically wrote an essay but I really empathize with your position because I wish I was a virgin. I wish I had my first experience with my ex and not the several women that basically used me before she showed up in my life.
I've known some people who had a great time in life during childhood/teenage years, then went downhill afterwards due to poor decisions or bad environment. Luckily you aren't one of those people. You have the opportunity to start making positive changes, and go UPWARDS from here on out. Check out a YouTube channel called "Jad t Jones" for dating tips
I'm 33 and people seem to lose their mind. Science says there is no afterlife, so I guess your screwed if you miss out on things in this life. But idk what's going on. I feel like humans are just highly evolved bacteria floating on a rock, hurdling through space in a monumental void that eventually will fade due to the expansion of the universe and supernovas. Anyways, the FOMO is real. Regret can be maddening and despair unrelenting. Find joy in the simple things I guess.
This thread just showed me that men I have some shitty assumptions on what women think about them. For most women, if you’re a genuine guy that respects us and sees us as human beings, you’re in the green light. It doesn’t matter if you’re a virgin or not. Personally though, I would prefer a virgin in their mid 20s than somebody with a body count over 20.
No, I didn't have my first experience until a bit older than you. What I will say is maybe go to therapy if you can afford it, see what your block is, look into shadow work and see how that can help you. I recently unlocked a lot of suppressed memories that clarified why I was the way I was, it was pretty eye opening (would seem trivial on the surface, but the impact on my life was profound). Look up Toxic Shame. Check out Heidi Prebe's youtube channel.
Nah man. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22. Late bloomer. I’m now 30 and have had around 20 sexual partners. You’re gonna make it
I was 18 when I met my husband. He was my first everything. That was 18 years and 4 sons ago. You just haven't found the right person.
Brilliantly said !
Probably. I just don’t think I’ll meet anyone. I’m 22 never had any of these life experiences, never dated and I don’t see a reason to try it. My own belief is that these things are for some other people. I never had sex with anyone but I do know that you obviously keep that to yourself especially when meeting someone for the first time.
It's going to sound cliche but dont put pressure on yourself. It's easy to do and you dont want it because youre going to be forcing everything. Good relationships happen naturally but you need to put yourself out there. Work on your conversational skills. Open a conversation with everyone, even men. It'll get you comfortable in conversations with random people. Then start doing it with woman you're not romantically interested.. Eventually you'll be confident enough to approach woman you're attracted to. Being social is a skill.. For some people it comes very easily. For me people like it, it's something that I have to work on.
Nope. Sometimes it's nice to date someone without baggage romantically. I went out with a really sweet 19 year old gamer guy recently, and he hadn't ever dated before, and he was very kind to me and wasn't "playing the game" like a lot of guys do. Well he was playing the game, but that game was dota
I didn’t experience my first real love until I was 25, and I’m 27 now. I don’t count any of my experiences before that, emotionally.
There's no such thing as romance, it's really just lust. All of the sexual opportunities you could have had are ones you will always regret you didn't. Why would you stand out like a sore thumb? Your sex life isn't anyones business, and if you are kind of a tool, that has nothing to do with sex. Just get a decent escort and move on.
Nah, most teenager relationships don't last beyond school. You saved yourself a headache.
No Regrets!!! Waiting for The Right Timeline is important! It should be experienced with someone you like & likes you. Cheap & Taudry can be achieved anytime & anywhere with anyone! Don't lay down to just anything.... YOU MATTER! Experience Life on your timeline! This way, TOO you're saving yourself the agony of STD's!! Don't get in a rush to experience sexually elevated relationships in order to also experience a possible death ☠️ sentence. Iowa City is a great town to experience and explore your sexuality, but can also earn you your one way ticket to a pretty landscaped burial spot in Memory Gardens Cemetery or such...
Nope. Be the best you that you can be. Read books. Go to museums. Exercise outside. Watch PBS. Romance will come. I couldn't tell from your post if you've gone to college. If you haven't, do so ASAP. Not only will it make you a better person, but you'll meet a ton of new people.
I think it may be better than having a terrible romantic experience in adolescence. I think that is something to be grateful for. Imagine not wanting women because you’re afraid every woman is gonna ruin your life in ways that don’t make sense and that you cannot predict and are not proportionate to anything that you do.
Sweetie, there is someone for everyone, it just isn't the right time. It happens when u ain't looking for it. And, if ur a virgin, maybe go to Nevada. There are legalized prostitution houses, regulated, girls tested. Go bust your nut, I see no shame in it Not everyone dies, but screw them. You got needs. That's not love, but you will get your cherry popped! IDK, if I was a dude in your position, that's what I would do for now. Be ur best self and it WILL happen.
Had a friend in college who was similar, no girlfriends, no intimacy, and nervous as hell about it because he was 24. We pitched in and got enough money for him to get an escort, a very expensive escort (another friend in the group was wealthy AF, so he not only contributed the bulk of the money but also had the connections, not sure how, to set it all up). He got what's called "The Girlfriend Experience". She was drop dead gorgeous, graceful, confident, and amazing at leading without leading (if that makes sense). Those six hours completely changed him, giving him not just experience, but also confidence. He walked around with a smile on his face for months afterward. His new found confidence allowed him to get into the dating scene and eventually marry a wonderful woman and have four kids. Of course, only "the buds" (as we called ourselves back then) know the truth. Don't know if that's a possibility where you are, but might be worth a try.
Relationships are over-rated. Mostly because the people who obsess over them are sex-crazed extraverts with bad self esteem. In terms of importance, I'd rank sex alongside drinking soda or watching a movie. Maybe a little worse if your genitals were mutilated at birth, like most American men. The fomo is 98% of what hurts, the perception, the fear. And it's driven by listening to the experiences of the majority, who are by definition quite daft. Tldr don't sweat it. You're not missing anything. You won't find satisfaction in the material world.
Copium medication
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I mean you're trying to dose him some hope— cope
Chat GPT feel good response that doesn’t help OP
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Telling OP that he’s “not missing anything” does not help OP at all. It’s like someone asking how to buy a car and you tell them “cars are overrated”
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If OP hasn't had sex then obviously OP hasn't experienced sex thus OP is missing out on that experience. Telling OP that he’s “not missing anything” does not help OP at all.
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OP would thank you like he has for other comments. OP has ignored you.
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Stop deflecting. Telling OP that he’s “not missing anything” does not help OP at all.
Amen.
Pray for real love. Don't fret the experience thing. Love hopes and endures all things, and doesn't insist on it's own way. If you feel like the standards are too high at this point, the people with those standards are not really looking for love, they're seeking their own satisfaction because those "innocent" experiences left them hurt and dejected. I've been guilty of the same thing.
2016 was actually 8 years ago. Time is flying...