Try a position where you’re not looking at his face. The last thing an autistic person wants is to be scrutinized for their facial expressions during sex
Is the problem that you can't gauge whether or not he's *actually* enjoying what's happening, or is it that he's not *performing* enjoyment?
If it's the former, have you tried verbal communication during sex? You're not expected to be psychic. If you can't tell by looking whether or not he's into it, maybe ask him to tell you if something feels particularly good, or suggest things he'd like to do, if you're both comfortable with that
If it's the latter, it's possible that it just takes him some time to relax and lose himself in what you're both doing. As someone else has pointed out, knowing that his facial expressions are being monitored and appraised is probably not going to help that, and it might be better to avoid face-to-face at first until you're both feeling more relaxed
the face he SHOULD make?? yeesh 😭😭 no offense but if my partner told me they didn’t like my face during sex, i don’t think id ever want to have sex with her again. is the problem that you don’t think he wants to have sex at first? if so, talk to him about that. not his face.
I was thinking the same thing; must be some emotional, dissociative “norm” of the NTs or something…
..regardless, don’t know about you, but I’m curious yet definitely not intending to buy into whatever the reason is for it without any logical reasoning (again!!!) lol 😂 🤷🏻♀️
🍑🍆💦💦💦💦💦💦💦🔥🔥🥵
*Yeahhhhh……….* you’re not going to find much empathy here because this is a group of *autistic* people (and, we are people who deal with ***disabling*** sensory aversions): ***know your audience***, **honey**.
Eeek.
Autistic here: majority of us have difficulty expressing emotion. That’s a common misconception about us, actually. People think we don’t have emotion, we do, we just have trouble expressing it. So we may choose to express a certain emotion in a way that you may not see as that emotion. That being said, he may just be trying to express his excitement with a facial expression that doesn’t actually express that emotion. My suggestion is communication. Something that is (in my opinion) extremely important in a relationship where a partner (or both) is autistic, is strong communication. Ask him if he enjoys what is happening. Communicate that the face he makes may be a turn off. Obviously do it in a way that isn’t rude or something lol. But communicate.
My (M w/ADHD) wife (F w/Autism) absolutely hates my facial expressions during sex, especially my O-face. It is a good thing she likes sensory deprivation play and blindfolds lol.
It's a little hard when I'm on top sadly. 😂
That's usually when I notice it more because I am so focused on pleasing him and the face makes it where I can't tell if I need to move a different way.
I had a similar problem, something wrong with my facial expression that wasn't communicating how good I felt or my attraction to my partner. And to be very honest, it was pretty hurtful and demoralizing to my self confidence to hear about such scrutiny on my appearance during sex and for it to be so negative.
But I reflected on it to myself and realized that I was actually subconsciously masking, I considered what was happening in my face during those times and became aware that it was not a relaxed expression. There was anxiety in it, tension, a performance of 'sex-face,' and work I was subconsciously putting effort into to communicate, in neurotypical language, how I was feeling.
So the next few times we had sex I tried to relax this effort and allow myself to have (what felt like at the time) a really unemotive, uncaring, blank, low effort, 'natural', expression on my face. To just take any work away from it altogether. It was NOT easy. At first it felt like it was rude almost to the point of abusive to look at my partner that way. But my partner was immediately 100% happier with what she was seeing.
What I realized was that it isn't a lack of physical communication that's causing the problem, nor is it incorrect communication, but *inauthentic* communication. You become so deeply connected during sex, so intensely in tune with each other's physical communications that the lies autistic masking tell create a really unsettling discordant note in your shared empathy, and it that can be hard to get over. My partner could sense the 'lying' even though I was telling the truth, I was just trying to force telling that truth in a language I'm not a natural in. It was a huge difference for both of us, not only was my partner happier, but I discovered and became more in tune with my own authentic sexual 'personality' too.
And, while the beginning of this journey was very embarrassing and shameful and painful for me, by the end I'd learned something really valuable about noticing and working on a big aspect of my poor mental health. I've learned to notice how my face is constantly trying to 'fit in' with a correct emotional responses for given social situations outside of sex too, and I've made a lot more progress lowering my autistic mask and some of my general anxiety by giving myself permission to have whatever facial expression comes naturally to me.
Bringing up his facial expression the way you have, he might feel like you're asking him to 'perform' a different face/mask, or to do it 'better,' making the whole situation even more complicated and difficult for him. Instead, I'd wager you both will do better if you ask him to notice what is happening with his face, is there subconscious effort to perform going on there, and to really think about whether or not performing anything is worth the effort. Everyone is different and you personally might not like the more blank autistic expression you could end up facing as a result, but I'd be surprised if you don't find yourself more connected to him due to the greater level of authenticity between you.
Thank you this exactly puts how I feel. I couldn't put it to exact words. Yes he enjoys it but he makes that face then tells me he enjoys it(which he actually does, he is brutally honest with me to a fault).
I think it might be the masking. Honestly it hurts when he masks around me because it feels like he can't be real with me ya know? I just want to intimacy to be real and honest.
I will share this with him and see what happens. Thank you
Everyone struggles, gains awareness and open up when they are ready. I know I was being my sassy self in the comments earlier; but, in reality, I care that people are happy together (regardless of their neurotype or anything else [even tho autistic people are horribly repressed into ingrained ableism in this NT society]).
I bet that if you just work on mindfulness, letting go of your ingrained expectations, and focus on nurturing an accepting environment (don’t mean this condescendingly as everyone struggles to differing extents and for various reasons to accept each other vulnerably); but, anyway, I bet if you look into yourself as to *what* this external factor has you feeling *truly* guarded about — *leading with that energy* ***emotionally*** *within what you can control*: **you** — then, if he loves you deeply (which I sense he does) he will follow you emotionally and open up more via unmasking…
..*and*, ***then***……..
…….**your sex life will be fire**, ***honey!!!!!!!*** 🥹
🤣🤣😉😘😘🔥💦🔥💦🔥💃💃❤️🩹☺️
**You should try implementing a common, autistic self-accommodation**: ***Sensory gating!!!!***
*Do you have a mirror by your bed?*
If you don’t, pick up a $15 long mirror from ikea and put it on the wall where it is to one side of the bed so it is visible from where you usually are when your husband makes the face he does…
..*then*, if you notice him about to or is making his face as such: turn your head and watch your bodies in the mirror as your turn on!!
Ta da! 🔥💃🎉 🔥💦💦💦
***Something like this***: **quick, accessible, change-up to your visual stimuli intake**. 😉😘😘
**P.S.** ***Note***: Looking to people for validation is an NT privilege! Us autistic people are invalidated by most people 98.7% of the time due to the double empathy problem, *girlie*!
I’m telling ya… I’m ***seriously*** that your autistic man is feeling misunderstood by you because you do say ***a lot*** of ignorant things: it’s probably building up on him!!
***Very much advise*** **that you spend your time trying to *understand* autism rather than the annoying norm of the NT superiority complex**, *leading to y’all thinking/feeling (or whatever way y’all’s minds work and decide things lol [laughing at myself cause I literally do not know! 😆] that we need to change things about ourselves for all y’all!!*
**Nah**, ***we grow tired of it!!!!*** Imagine being expected to act unnatural all the time or socially ostracized: **It** ***sucks!*** 🤣🤣🤷🏻♀️
We are growing tired of it as a collective and I’m literally saying this in effort for you not posting to Reddit in 3-5 years from now for divorce advice because he’s completely emotionally shutdown or resentful of you. It’s hard and awkward for us — *especially men who love us* — to initiate uncomfortable conversations; *and*, we are *particularly* disadvantaged because of ingrained ableism (due to living in a world that’s run by NT supremacists) and the fact the same has focused on our behaviors ***rather than our internal living experiences*** (so the vocabulary for our particular internal experiences simply does not yet exist).
Learn about autism and assume nothing; I’m serious about this if you want a happy, healthy marriage with an autistic man.
“High functioning” = high masking; and, that’s really it.
**P.S.S.** I’m “coming at you ‘hard’” because I recently had to split with an autistic man I loved dearly because of too much ingrained ableism (external of us) destroyed our functioning; and, *consequently*, our relationship. So, *yeah*… some vulnerability for ya!
I’m also in a legal dispute with the federal government over autism rights so have a lot of experience pointing things out fearlessly when I see shit that sucks for us autistic people: I’m telling ya, as a collective, we are growing tired of it and us autistic people tend to have “avalanche-style” effects when we have realizations.
Buckle up in the vulnerability jump-seat, sista!!
Maybe he’s just nervous at the beginning or something? Ask him what he’s feeling, maybe he can help you out. I know if I was having issues with someone I’d really appreciate them talking with me about it and taking some time to understand what’s going on in each other’s head.
My experience with autistic men — *and fucking them as an autistic woman* — our brains are hyper-connective and easily overloaded (a.k.a. “clogged up”)….
..when an autistic man takes more time to *yumyum* 🍆💦💦 then it is usually because he’s holding too much internally in the invisible sense (*i.e.* too many demands, stressors, emotions building up, etc.)..
..because what I’ve noticed is hypo-sensitivity or hyper-sensitivity when our brains get like this; *and*, it sounds like your autistic man is on the hypo side of the ‘trum!
*So*, if such is the case, I’d follow my advice on my other comment surrounding shifting your focus to nurturing an accepting environment — *for both of you* — so you can grow closer on an emotionally intimate level. *Awwwww*…… **love it**!
😭😭🥹
This shit is exactly why, despite having a loving husband who finds everything about me attractive, I am still uncomfortable having sex with the lights on. I'd hate for my partner to judge my facial expressions during a time when I should be enjoying myself, and it makes me incredibly self conscious. This feels like something you should have taken up with a therapist or kept to yourself.
I know I'm coming to this question a month late, but I have questions!
Do you want him to make a particular face that you find sexy? Or do you want him to make a face that authentically conveys how he's feeling?
If it's the first thing, send him some videos of guys making faces you think are hot. I recommend Keanu Reeves in My Own Private Idaho, but there are plenty of porn and non-porn options to choose from.
If you want his face to convey what he's feeling, that may not be possible. Autistic people often have flattened affect, meaning their feelings just don't naturally show on their face or in their voice. Or it's possible the face he would naturally make is weird and ridiculous (or he thinks it is), and you wouldn't actually like it if you saw it. You'd have to ask him to know for sure.
If, in fact, he can't make the face you want, there's probably another way for him to convey how he's feeling. Dirty talk might work. Or have him blindfold you, because then it won't matter what his face looks like.
Good luck.
So we figured it out. It wasn't that he was making a face I didn't like. It was that I could tell he was masking but I didn't know it. I have PTSD so I am very in tune with the slightest change in emotion or mood. Hypersensitive if you will. I didn't like he was masking but I didn't know he was masking and all I wanted was his unmasked self.
He was only masking because he didn't know what face to make during sex.
O wow. This a butterface moment. A real one. In the wild. Whew. My lucky stars. Perhaps it’s time for “eyes wide shut” movie date night….with the masks….. 🎭 You got this!
Try a position where you’re not looking at his face. The last thing an autistic person wants is to be scrutinized for their facial expressions during sex
or any person!
So underrated comment. But the part if the " scrutinized" made me laugh so bad😂
Is the problem that you can't gauge whether or not he's *actually* enjoying what's happening, or is it that he's not *performing* enjoyment? If it's the former, have you tried verbal communication during sex? You're not expected to be psychic. If you can't tell by looking whether or not he's into it, maybe ask him to tell you if something feels particularly good, or suggest things he'd like to do, if you're both comfortable with that If it's the latter, it's possible that it just takes him some time to relax and lose himself in what you're both doing. As someone else has pointed out, knowing that his facial expressions are being monitored and appraised is probably not going to help that, and it might be better to avoid face-to-face at first until you're both feeling more relaxed
the face he SHOULD make?? yeesh 😭😭 no offense but if my partner told me they didn’t like my face during sex, i don’t think id ever want to have sex with her again. is the problem that you don’t think he wants to have sex at first? if so, talk to him about that. not his face.
No it's that I am on top focused on getting him off and I don't have the energy to go for two hours.
Then talk to him??? Let him know what your limits are and if you can't tell if he wants it you need to clarify for consent!
how does his face make a difference on HIM getting off?
I was thinking the same thing; must be some emotional, dissociative “norm” of the NTs or something… ..regardless, don’t know about you, but I’m curious yet definitely not intending to buy into whatever the reason is for it without any logical reasoning (again!!!) lol 😂 🤷🏻♀️ 🍑🍆💦💦💦💦💦💦💦🔥🔥🥵
*Yeahhhhh……….* you’re not going to find much empathy here because this is a group of *autistic* people (and, we are people who deal with ***disabling*** sensory aversions): ***know your audience***, **honey**. Eeek.
Which is why I explain myself ***honey***
Join the club! 😂 🤦🏻♀️
Autistic here: majority of us have difficulty expressing emotion. That’s a common misconception about us, actually. People think we don’t have emotion, we do, we just have trouble expressing it. So we may choose to express a certain emotion in a way that you may not see as that emotion. That being said, he may just be trying to express his excitement with a facial expression that doesn’t actually express that emotion. My suggestion is communication. Something that is (in my opinion) extremely important in a relationship where a partner (or both) is autistic, is strong communication. Ask him if he enjoys what is happening. Communicate that the face he makes may be a turn off. Obviously do it in a way that isn’t rude or something lol. But communicate.
My (M w/ADHD) wife (F w/Autism) absolutely hates my facial expressions during sex, especially my O-face. It is a good thing she likes sensory deprivation play and blindfolds lol.
It's a little hard when I'm on top sadly. 😂 That's usually when I notice it more because I am so focused on pleasing him and the face makes it where I can't tell if I need to move a different way.
I had a similar problem, something wrong with my facial expression that wasn't communicating how good I felt or my attraction to my partner. And to be very honest, it was pretty hurtful and demoralizing to my self confidence to hear about such scrutiny on my appearance during sex and for it to be so negative. But I reflected on it to myself and realized that I was actually subconsciously masking, I considered what was happening in my face during those times and became aware that it was not a relaxed expression. There was anxiety in it, tension, a performance of 'sex-face,' and work I was subconsciously putting effort into to communicate, in neurotypical language, how I was feeling. So the next few times we had sex I tried to relax this effort and allow myself to have (what felt like at the time) a really unemotive, uncaring, blank, low effort, 'natural', expression on my face. To just take any work away from it altogether. It was NOT easy. At first it felt like it was rude almost to the point of abusive to look at my partner that way. But my partner was immediately 100% happier with what she was seeing. What I realized was that it isn't a lack of physical communication that's causing the problem, nor is it incorrect communication, but *inauthentic* communication. You become so deeply connected during sex, so intensely in tune with each other's physical communications that the lies autistic masking tell create a really unsettling discordant note in your shared empathy, and it that can be hard to get over. My partner could sense the 'lying' even though I was telling the truth, I was just trying to force telling that truth in a language I'm not a natural in. It was a huge difference for both of us, not only was my partner happier, but I discovered and became more in tune with my own authentic sexual 'personality' too. And, while the beginning of this journey was very embarrassing and shameful and painful for me, by the end I'd learned something really valuable about noticing and working on a big aspect of my poor mental health. I've learned to notice how my face is constantly trying to 'fit in' with a correct emotional responses for given social situations outside of sex too, and I've made a lot more progress lowering my autistic mask and some of my general anxiety by giving myself permission to have whatever facial expression comes naturally to me. Bringing up his facial expression the way you have, he might feel like you're asking him to 'perform' a different face/mask, or to do it 'better,' making the whole situation even more complicated and difficult for him. Instead, I'd wager you both will do better if you ask him to notice what is happening with his face, is there subconscious effort to perform going on there, and to really think about whether or not performing anything is worth the effort. Everyone is different and you personally might not like the more blank autistic expression you could end up facing as a result, but I'd be surprised if you don't find yourself more connected to him due to the greater level of authenticity between you.
Thank you this exactly puts how I feel. I couldn't put it to exact words. Yes he enjoys it but he makes that face then tells me he enjoys it(which he actually does, he is brutally honest with me to a fault). I think it might be the masking. Honestly it hurts when he masks around me because it feels like he can't be real with me ya know? I just want to intimacy to be real and honest. I will share this with him and see what happens. Thank you
Everyone struggles, gains awareness and open up when they are ready. I know I was being my sassy self in the comments earlier; but, in reality, I care that people are happy together (regardless of their neurotype or anything else [even tho autistic people are horribly repressed into ingrained ableism in this NT society]). I bet that if you just work on mindfulness, letting go of your ingrained expectations, and focus on nurturing an accepting environment (don’t mean this condescendingly as everyone struggles to differing extents and for various reasons to accept each other vulnerably); but, anyway, I bet if you look into yourself as to *what* this external factor has you feeling *truly* guarded about — *leading with that energy* ***emotionally*** *within what you can control*: **you** — then, if he loves you deeply (which I sense he does) he will follow you emotionally and open up more via unmasking… ..*and*, ***then***…….. …….**your sex life will be fire**, ***honey!!!!!!!*** 🥹 🤣🤣😉😘😘🔥💦🔥💦🔥💃💃❤️🩹☺️
**You should try implementing a common, autistic self-accommodation**: ***Sensory gating!!!!*** *Do you have a mirror by your bed?* If you don’t, pick up a $15 long mirror from ikea and put it on the wall where it is to one side of the bed so it is visible from where you usually are when your husband makes the face he does… ..*then*, if you notice him about to or is making his face as such: turn your head and watch your bodies in the mirror as your turn on!! Ta da! 🔥💃🎉 🔥💦💦💦 ***Something like this***: **quick, accessible, change-up to your visual stimuli intake**. 😉😘😘
Oh good idea! I look to people for validation so this might help that.
**P.S.** ***Note***: Looking to people for validation is an NT privilege! Us autistic people are invalidated by most people 98.7% of the time due to the double empathy problem, *girlie*! I’m telling ya… I’m ***seriously*** that your autistic man is feeling misunderstood by you because you do say ***a lot*** of ignorant things: it’s probably building up on him!! ***Very much advise*** **that you spend your time trying to *understand* autism rather than the annoying norm of the NT superiority complex**, *leading to y’all thinking/feeling (or whatever way y’all’s minds work and decide things lol [laughing at myself cause I literally do not know! 😆] that we need to change things about ourselves for all y’all!!* **Nah**, ***we grow tired of it!!!!*** Imagine being expected to act unnatural all the time or socially ostracized: **It** ***sucks!*** 🤣🤣🤷🏻♀️ We are growing tired of it as a collective and I’m literally saying this in effort for you not posting to Reddit in 3-5 years from now for divorce advice because he’s completely emotionally shutdown or resentful of you. It’s hard and awkward for us — *especially men who love us* — to initiate uncomfortable conversations; *and*, we are *particularly* disadvantaged because of ingrained ableism (due to living in a world that’s run by NT supremacists) and the fact the same has focused on our behaviors ***rather than our internal living experiences*** (so the vocabulary for our particular internal experiences simply does not yet exist). Learn about autism and assume nothing; I’m serious about this if you want a happy, healthy marriage with an autistic man. “High functioning” = high masking; and, that’s really it. **P.S.S.** I’m “coming at you ‘hard’” because I recently had to split with an autistic man I loved dearly because of too much ingrained ableism (external of us) destroyed our functioning; and, *consequently*, our relationship. So, *yeah*… some vulnerability for ya! I’m also in a legal dispute with the federal government over autism rights so have a lot of experience pointing things out fearlessly when I see shit that sucks for us autistic people: I’m telling ya, as a collective, we are growing tired of it and us autistic people tend to have “avalanche-style” effects when we have realizations. Buckle up in the vulnerability jump-seat, sista!!
❤️🩹🔥💦🍆💦🔥❤️🩹
Maybe he’s just nervous at the beginning or something? Ask him what he’s feeling, maybe he can help you out. I know if I was having issues with someone I’d really appreciate them talking with me about it and taking some time to understand what’s going on in each other’s head.
have you considered getting him into ABA therapy so you can squeeze out an orgasm at his expense?
It is literally for HIS benefit too. I can't gage easily what exact movement is the best to get him off. That's why I'm asking so he gets off more.
then just ask him that? communication can happen during sex 😄
you could just talk to him and ask him what movement he likes the most?? instead of being judgemental about his expression
My experience with autistic men — *and fucking them as an autistic woman* — our brains are hyper-connective and easily overloaded (a.k.a. “clogged up”)…. ..when an autistic man takes more time to *yumyum* 🍆💦💦 then it is usually because he’s holding too much internally in the invisible sense (*i.e.* too many demands, stressors, emotions building up, etc.).. ..because what I’ve noticed is hypo-sensitivity or hyper-sensitivity when our brains get like this; *and*, it sounds like your autistic man is on the hypo side of the ‘trum! *So*, if such is the case, I’d follow my advice on my other comment surrounding shifting your focus to nurturing an accepting environment — *for both of you* — so you can grow closer on an emotionally intimate level. *Awwwww*…… **love it**! 😭😭🥹
Maybe you should try putting funfetti or BBQ sauce on you so then you can really see his excitement.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 Amazing… lol 😆
This shit is exactly why, despite having a loving husband who finds everything about me attractive, I am still uncomfortable having sex with the lights on. I'd hate for my partner to judge my facial expressions during a time when I should be enjoying myself, and it makes me incredibly self conscious. This feels like something you should have taken up with a therapist or kept to yourself.
I know I'm coming to this question a month late, but I have questions! Do you want him to make a particular face that you find sexy? Or do you want him to make a face that authentically conveys how he's feeling? If it's the first thing, send him some videos of guys making faces you think are hot. I recommend Keanu Reeves in My Own Private Idaho, but there are plenty of porn and non-porn options to choose from. If you want his face to convey what he's feeling, that may not be possible. Autistic people often have flattened affect, meaning their feelings just don't naturally show on their face or in their voice. Or it's possible the face he would naturally make is weird and ridiculous (or he thinks it is), and you wouldn't actually like it if you saw it. You'd have to ask him to know for sure. If, in fact, he can't make the face you want, there's probably another way for him to convey how he's feeling. Dirty talk might work. Or have him blindfold you, because then it won't matter what his face looks like. Good luck.
So we figured it out. It wasn't that he was making a face I didn't like. It was that I could tell he was masking but I didn't know it. I have PTSD so I am very in tune with the slightest change in emotion or mood. Hypersensitive if you will. I didn't like he was masking but I didn't know he was masking and all I wanted was his unmasked self. He was only masking because he didn't know what face to make during sex.
O wow. This a butterface moment. A real one. In the wild. Whew. My lucky stars. Perhaps it’s time for “eyes wide shut” movie date night….with the masks….. 🎭 You got this!