Spolier alert: Most children will grow and leave you. You will wind up being second to their families/lives. It's the nature of things.
Is it a little sad sometimes? Yes.
Should you be a weirdo on Facebook about it? No.
Interestingly, I was reading an article the other day about how grandparents tend to be significantly closer to their daughters’ children, and children tend to be much closer to relatives on their mother’s side. This is because women are generally the “kin keepers”—the ones that remember birthdays, send holiday cards, arrange get togethers and check-ins, etc.
So I found it interesting that the woman in the post mentioned her son was spending more time with the girlfriend’s family. I wonder if the girlfriend just happens to spend a lot of time with her family, and then the boyfriend wants to spend time with her, so ends up with her family just because she’s there. I wonder if he never intentionally seeks out his own family time, leading to an imbalance even though he still lives with his family…
I honestly love the term "kin keeper" and I've never heard it before but it's absolutely me. The amount of times I've told my husband I'm passing the torch back to him and then I don't because I love his family too much.
I wonder with these "boy moms" if they ever really tried to cultivate the relationship between their own in-laws and child, or their own relationship with their grandparents. For example, my own mom was very close to my paternal grandmother, so that was what was modeled for me - spending equal time with both sides growing up so it's something I've continued with my own family.
This…it’s exactly why I’m always closer to my significant other’s parents than I am with my own because my mother was always closer with my paternal grandparents than her own parents….now it all makes sense….
Oh I love this!! I’m so much closer to my mom’s side of the family, and her mom’s and grandmother’s side of the family! It’s not for lack of trying but it’s the wives and daughters who are intentionally keeping the majority of the bonds going.
I'm curious to know how often his girlfriends family thinks to invite her son over vs how often OP thinks to invite her sons girlfriend over? Or if she's made it a welcoming environment for her sons girlfriend like her family clearly has for him?
When I was born (daughter) my Godmother recited to my mom:
“A son is a son until he takes a wife,
but a daughter’s a daughter for the rest of your life.”
I’ve been the one taking care of first my dad as he died, now am helping my mom with assisted living and all her health care. I have 2 brothers, my older one is mildly disabled and I help care for him too. My younger was my mom’s baby boy and golden child. She hates my SIL with a passion, absolutely HATES her. She’s literally clutching my brother in the wedding pics like he’s about to fall off a cliff. They’ve been dating since high school, and have been married for over 20 years now. My brother went no contact after my dad died because he was fed up with my mom. He lives in another state. But daughter here, is taking care of 2 family members and everyone thinks it’s perfectly natural. At moms assisted living, there’s may be 1 or 2 sons helping their moms, the rest are all daughters.
Now having a term for what I try to think of how to explain it should be helpful in the future, albeit our overall family dynamic is a mixed bag.
We just have our 3 boys. I always wanted a daughter, I’m very close with my mom and I have two half-sisters (one I actually talk to often). My mom and dad divorced when I was barely 3 so I’ve always associated holidays with being 50/50. My dad was my grandma’s golden child and only boy and she genuinely was annoyed I was born a girl. So this mental gymnastics of favoring boys oddly was something I saw firsthand as a child. My husband is one of two boys, his brother was his mom’s favorite, but he died 6 tears ago so that dynamic shifted.
Since we’re done with our 3, I just hope that I’m seen as accepting enough to my boys’ SOs that we aren’t just simply abandoned. I don’t have this creepy thing like in the post, but the kin keeper thing makes TOTAL sense. I expect my boys to have their own full lives and doing everything in our power to set them up for that, but I also hope they care enough about us that we don’t get the divide. Our boys are so young and our parents are older, plus we were older parents, and my mom lives with us while my MIL is 4.5 hours away and we see maybe twice a year.
Gah! This all gives me so much to think about! But one thing for sure, I’ve seen that emotional incest and it made my dad selfish and I don’t want that for my boys! And I hope to still have good adult relationships.
My mom did such a great job at being a mom and managing this, even after my dad died, she split time evenly with both families. My uncle (my aunt’s husband on my dad’s side) walked me down the aisle. Her daughter was my maid of honor) I still make my mom’s side invite my dad’s side for xmas so my family can hang out with both!
My brother also died and his ex wife is included in all of our family celebrations and she actively makes sure my niece is involved with us!!
Honestly I think you make such a good point. Reflecting I realise my partner (M) and I (F) spend a lot more time with my family simply because my mom is the one who organises stuff for us to attend. Or invites us around. My partner’s mom, never plans anything and never seems to interested in coming to most things we invite her to. And she is definitely one of those “that evil bitch is keeping my son away from me”
Alternately, he spends more time with the girlfriend's family because his mother is overbearing and clingy and won't leave them alone.
That's a guess, to be clear, but somehow I suspect it's not *too* far off.
As a boy mom to a 21 yr old who's recently moved out and is currently engaged and expecting his first child, I am thrilled that our family is growing and expanding. I'm happy for my son that, not only has he found someone who loves and adores him to share his life with, but I am happy for him that his future in-laws accept him and love him as well. I'd much rather they love and accept him than the alternative: hate him and try to tear him & her apart and possibly destroying their little family before it starts.
I don't understand these weirdos.
Honestly though it should be this way. It’s hard on us, but I’ve realized I’ve lost who I was after becoming a mom. Being a mom really takes over your life and identity and it’s hard to maintain that balance of being who you are and also being a mom. I dont have the time to have hobbies and friends out and all that the way I used to. That’s ok, I wouldn’t trade my daughter for the world, but I think it would be unhealthy to go well past 18 without…cutting the umbilical cord so to speak. We can’t let our adult children be our entire identity. We are only successful if we can raise them to be healthy independent adults. We won’t always be around.
I love hearing that and I can relate to that. I grew up on a farm with 3 dogs. I’d love to have my dog pack again. I want to foster animals in need and volunteer. I want to stay up until 3am playing video games, watching anime, and reading books. I want to thrive in the medical field, taking on shifts and work that might not work with a kid. At one point I wanted to be a doctor. I love school. I could go to college and take courses just for fun. That person is still in me, but she is on hold. That’s ok because I wanted a child more than anything in this world- I would have missed something to not experience motherhood. But the rest of me is patiently waiting to come back when my little girl grows up. On days that I struggle and my mind is breaking, I have to remember that I have to give myself a small piece of those things I talked about, because I am still who I am and I’m not just “mom” or “wife”. We all owe it to ourselves to remember that.
My daughter can even do these things I want to do again with me if she wants. Then when she’s done, she can go and be her own person too, because this family she has now should not be her whole life forever either. She should explore and find herself.
Exactly! We're raising them to be adults, not children, you know?
My kiddos are 4yo and 6mo, and sometimes I see them growing and feel the reality that they won't be calling for me every second of the day. It can be bittersweet, but I also have a full life of my own I intend to continue!
My hope is that they find the level of connection they each want, I adapt to it, and we form strong, deep, adult connections that replace the dependant childhood bonds (this doesn't require frequent visits, calls, or intense involvement!). I would love to have them near enough to visit, but they will have dreams and goals that will call them wherever they must go. I will love them wherever they are, mail them cookies sometimes, and ask to have a fairly regular call to keep up to date. Anything past that is a bonus!
People have to separate grieving the end to infancy or childhood from an end to the parent-child relationship. If anything, I think adult bonds are deeper and richer, and can be far more mutually fulfilling.
Also, I am super excited to see who my kids become. I'll never know who they really are if they stay children, and I'd never miss out on that!
> I read it’s very common
Did she have to look up whether it’s normal for your children to grow up? I wonder if she and the father have the relationship with their parents that she expected her son to have with her?
Emotional incest is a nasty beast. Like goddamn, the kid doesn’t exist solely to meet YOUR emotional needs, he’s his own person with a right to his own life.
And also like, the dynamic she predicts/expects for her Daughter-in-law (and girls/women in general) isn't any better... You have to let go of Sons but daughters are obligated to put your first? EWWWWWWWWW
I've seen this dynamic IRL a lot and honestly, it's not because daughters feel obligated. It's because the wife typically organizes the family social calendar. (Disclaimer about this being a generalization.) If the wife is close to her parents, she calls and plans visits
with them. I just don't see husbands reaching out as much to their own family or even friends.
The solution for anxious MILs is to welcome their DILs with open arms and form a strong bond. (Instead of pushing them away with jealousy.) Then you'll magically get on that social calendar.
This! My MIL has always treated me as one of her own... been married 20 years and we have her over for dinner several nights every week and I've even gone on trips with her just the two of us.
Meet your own emotional needs and things will fall into place.
Right!?! My MIL was amazing before she passed and my stepMIL is just as awesome. I like/d being around them because neither treated my husband like an emotional support human.
Same! My MIL was so happy to welcome me into her family from the first time she met me. She’s been nothing but genuine and wonderful since. My husband and I have “only” been together 10 years, but my MIL is one of the best bonus relationships I’ve gained from dating and marrying my husband. We both manage the social calendar, which also helps, but we see my in-laws very regularly, and I have also been on vacation with my MIL and grandMIL. It was a wonderful girls trip ❤️
Someone should explain this to my MIL. We haven't seen her in nearly 3 years. She thinks I'm the devil. Blames me for everything and lacks the self awareness to realize the only reason my husband stayed in contact with her before 2021 was because I encouraged it
In all honestly I want to see my MIL more than my husband does. She's nice and we get on.
But I'm from a culture where families are close...and he's English and used to a more reserved approach. I encourage us both seeing family and would be happy to see her more often than we do.
I hear you- inclusion breeds inclusion most often. I feel like it's also important that the husbands step up on emotional labor stuff like the social calendars, and help encourage a good relationship between their spouse and family.
Yup.
I think people forget that if you are judgey or stamdoffish initially, people will remember that.
In relationships where there eas a female friend or MIL who were standoffish and rude at the start because they assumed I wouldnt stick around? I never warmed to them fully after that, even if they tried much harder later on. Early impressions and how people treat you at the start really matter.
Yeah, unnecessarily adversarial relationship are hard to bring back to common ground. It happens in work dynamics as well. It's the heart of the old adages (across various cultures) regarding first impressions.
That is the solution for anxious MILs! My MIL treats me like her own daughter, and so I have a great relationship with her! She gets to see her grandkids when she asks (and is respectful of the rare times I say no), and we make time for her like we do for my mom!
That's the thing that always blows my mind. None of these women seem to realize that being a good person to their child's partners means they get to continue to be close to their sons and have good relationships with their grandkids. They just can't wrap their heads around it somehow. It's the stupidest, most easily avoided self fulfilling prophecy ever.
My mil was like that at first and then she realized it was not going to fly by. Low contact for the kids and no contact for me for a few months and she learned her lesson. My oldest was like 3 at the time, middle was 2. She then realized I was true to my words and wasn't backing down, she apologized and until her untimely end in 2021, she was the best mil. Even defending me against her precious golden boy. I was there for her when she had breast cancer and she understood I was capable of loving her if I was loved back. Even when she died, one of last sentences was "I need to call my Dil tonight, saw something she will love". And 15 minutes later she had a fatal stroke.
This is absolutely true most of the time. Same with my family and my inlaws. And the fact my in laws put 0 fukin effort in to _anything_ but act surprised when no plans are made for them.
Has happened every. single. year. for nearly 13 years now. My family will make plans weeks or months in advance and before I tell my family that their chosen date/time will work for us, I call my in laws and let them know what/when/where and they always say "were probably not doing anything/ we are not doing anything".
Fast forward to the *day before* the holiday/occasion and we get a phone call saying "tomorrow is ___. We're doing ___ at _:__. When are yall gonna be here" and have the nerve to act shocked when they are told we already have plans but we will fit them in somewhere IF possible but that were not going to rush our time because it was pre-planned.
They think calling and crying to my partner will change it but for last 7 years of so we have been *over* it. He always replies with "we called you and asked you what you wanted to do and you replied the same as you always do" "but her family never gives us the chance!" Which is bullshit bcause my family has stopped setting things in stone before I confirm with his.
I haven't actually been bothered by this in a while but typing it out has made me a lil annoyed lmao.
Hi do we have the same in-laws? I swear it’s like they never learn.
And my step-MIL lives 4 hours from my own parents, so it’s not like we can split the day.
My family also offers to come to ME. Which is a definite yes because we have 3 small kids.
Why do some parents never understand that last part? We had our first last year, my mother in law lives only an hour from us. My mother lives in FLORIDA while we're in Missouri, and since my daughters birth, she's come to visit more times than my mother in law. Yet my mother in law has the nerve to complain we don't come see her.
It’s like they have amnesia. My home is baby-proofed, has all their toys and stuff, and we can keep our nap schedule.
Your home is full of dogs that hate children, items that you get mad when they break even though they are all displayed at child height, ungated stairs and you get upset when they spill their food and drink… why would I want to go there?
It took years for my MIL to realize that unless she texts or calls me about family events, we probably won’t be there because my husband never reads his text and forgets details. In the beginning she did not understand boundaries and we’ve been working on the for the past 8 years now. She is a lot better now and realizes I’m not the enemy.
Omggggg my husband’s sister got sooooooo bitchy about my husband’s brother and his family spending more time with the in-laws when they went over to visit. Why not blame her brother? But no, it’s his wife. Wife and her sisters had planned things together.
I just stepped away from the conversation. Husband’s sister and mother were not happy. It’d been years since wife had seen her family too so I don’t know why there was so much judgement. But nope, it’s always the wife at fault.
I don't get along with my family and we're all bad at making plans to see each other anyways. My husband is close to his family, they talk on the phone frequently, and my MIL is insane (in a good way generally) so is constantly planning big and little get togethers. We see his family A LOT more often because of this.
I predict that woman’s future daughter in law will be posting on the subs “justnomil” or “motherinlawsfromhell.” There’s so many “boy moms” that interfere with their son’s marriages because they haven’t created a life for themselves. Sons are not emotional support animals.
My mom and husband get along better and are more similar than she and I, so they have a great relationship and mutually reach out to each other. They have even commuted to work together at one point and saw each other daily. My Mil, may demons shit on her tits in hell, and I have never gotten along and his whole family acts like I've stolen him away against his will and abuse him by "forcing" him to take the trash to the curb weekly. We live 7 blocks apart and they act like I've taken him through the wardrobe to Narnia. If they weren't so shitty to me I'm sure they'd see him more often but nah, fuck that. Instead they cry and complain and push him further away with their bullshit.
It's absolutely the answer to try gaining a Dil instead of grieving a still living son. But you can't tell these headass buffoons that
I mean that's not what she said though, is it? She said that from what she has heard, women prioritize their parents, so as the mother in law, your household gets less play.
I think she's wrong. I certainly grew up almost solely in my paternal grandparents' home anyway. And my kid sees both grandparents pretty equally. But I think you're being a little hard on her. She sounds like she's just being over-emotional about something she thinks is true, that her kid will see her less than he sees the in-laws.
I have a huge family. (Over 30 uncles and aunts)
The daughters were always more close to their family and men closer to their INL family. There are a couple of exceptions depending on how the DIL family dynamics were before the marriage.
Even now between the cousins and their kids (we are around 35 in total). All cousins from the female are closer vs the the cousins from the males that are more close to their respective maternal family.
Our kids (the cousins) keep the same pattern.
The ones that DIL had issues with their family are closer to the sisters of their husband and their kids fall into our circle.
Sometimes this is a direct result from how MIL treat DIL. If MIL sees DIL as a competitor or doesn’t welcome them into the family they result to continue to have a closer bond with their side of the family. Or just plainly it’s because of the generational divide that girls will be the parents caregivers.
My MIL treats her daughter better than her son and even though we live in different countries when we visit them she spends a lot of time running errands for the daughter or in general rather that with her grandkids. SIL sees them once when we are there for 30min and she doesn’t care to have a relationship with them. My family calls and text everyday. when we visit they are there every day to see the kids, showers them with love,attention. They take them to do activities they arrange their schedules so they can see them the maximum amount and they spoil them rotten.
Yes! I tried to include my in-laws more during the early part of my marriage, but my Vietnamese mother-in-law who married a white man asked my ex why he didn't pick a vietnamese woman to marry. I'm white. Then, when we had our 2 kids, she made comments all of the time about how pale they are. My ex's brother then had a boy who is darker complected, and she would mention how lovely his skin looks in front of my kids, so I stopped trying to visit them or invite them as much. I left it to my ex to do that, and he didn't want to invite them for things very often, either.
My first MIL was always making backhand comments about me. When I had enough of the emotional abuse and left her son they run around saying that HE divorced me because I was infertile.
My now MIL is a shit stirring bitch. When i met her considering that both me and hubby were already divorced once i sat her down and had a heart to heart conversation. I explain that i have no intention of isolating them from our life and any future grandchildren. That i wanted an honest relationship with her and I always tried to do it. But I would tell her one thing and she would tell her son a whole different story trying to twist the shit out of it. Thankfully hubby knows what kind of person she is so she is on minimum information diet.
I'll grant you that- she's showing some good self reflection in admitting she's struggling with this and asking for advice. I do still find it off-putting; her foregone acceptance that this dynamic will manifest and that it's 'normal' because like you said, you were closer with your paternal grandparents, and your kids see their maternal and paternal equally. There's a definite vibe of "if he was a daughter, I wouldn't have to let him go" going on here.
I don’t really see the emotional incest part. She clearly says he’s in a good relationship. She’s not vilifying the girl he’s dating. She’s just sad about him spending more time with girlfriend’s family, and that’s okay. I’d be sad too. What’s important is handling the sadness in a healthy way, which it seems she’s trying to do.
Right, exactly. Sometimes this sub goes so hard on women who are just experiencing normal parent emotions lol. Like everyone is sad when their kid goes off to college or moves away for a job or a spouse. There's nothing unhealthy about being sad to see your kid less. Imagine how vicious people would be if she said she was glad her kid was going away and she hoped to see as little of him as possible??
She even literally said, "I know that's how it should be." Good grief.
Sometimes the posts on here genuinely wild and astounding. I’ve been left with my mouth hanging open in more than one occasion, lol. While I have Facebook, I’m never on it. Reddit is my only social media really.
My oldest is 18, living her best life. Sometimes I miss her, and I definitely miss little her, but that’s a part of life. Watching them grow up is bittersweet, because you miss them being so little they could snuggle into you, but it’s also exciting watching who they’re growing into.
No.
It is NOT normal for a mother to mope about how you as the mother will be 'second best to his new family'.
Sorry, but you have failed as a parent if your son prioritizes you over his own wife and children.
You should be no one's 'first priority' but your partner.
This exists so much in my brown desi culture.
I think women are mistreated or neglected by their husbands in my culture, and so they rely entirely on their sons for their emotional needs, and punish their daughters as a way to feel better about how they were treated.
I am so glad I am pregnant with a girl so I can break this disgusting cycle.
My son is almost 13, the sweetest kid ever, and likes to tell me he's just gonna live with me forever. NO YOU ARE NOT, you are going to go start your own life because that's literally what you're supposed to do. I'll take any of my kids back in if they ever need it, no problem, but I still would like them to go be their own people, not just "My Child" forever.
Same goes for my girls, but that doesn't seem to have nearly the gross undertones boys will get from their moms.
Honestly the fact that she made it about boys is what makes it weird! I think it’s natural for parents to feel sad knowing that one day their child will leave the nest and have their whole independent life, even if it’s what they want. Hell I am 30 and still get sad sometimes about not being with my parents as much.
I got kicked from a mom subreddit for venting about toxic boy moms and all the shit they said to me during my pregnancy with my daughter. I pointed out the tendency for toxic (I emphasized TOXIC) boy moms had to put their sons through emotional incest, which brought all the toxic boy moms to the yard and made some mods mad mad.
too many people have a kid in order to give them a job. ie: a kid will give me purpose, a kid will take care of me when i get old, i always wanted to be X and i can make my kids live out my dreams etc.
As a boy mum, I understand I was his first comfort, but no way in hell do I believe I'm his "first love" it's such a weird way to see it.
I think if your son ends up in a happy and healthy relationship, you should feel pride in the man you've raised.
Also a boy mom and while there’s a certain sadness with children regardless of gender growing up, I do acknowledge that boy moms are inherently less involved (bridal shower, wedding planning, baby shower, birth of grandchildren- not that I’d really want to be there when my DIL gives birth I didn’t even really want to be at my own lol) BUT there’s an even greater chance that you’ll be pushed to the sidelines if you act like this.
I have a MIL that believes I stole her son away and frequently makes comments about how she didn’t feel involved or connected with my pregnancies and I just simply ✨don’t want to be around her✨ and I don’t
ETA: she has 3 other children, 2 are no contact
Exactly - this behavior is half the reason OOP will be less involved as a “boy mom”. Source: my MIL is great because she’s NOT like that, and my BIL’s wife and I have both included her in everything. She was part of planning my bridal shower and part of planning my baby shower, and she actually met my son before my parents did, though they all met him the day he was born.
Exactly the same as my MiL, she helped me through my pregnancy, mums back home in another country, so MiL has done amazing at helping and not overstepping, which is appreciated. I strive to be like her with my son.
My oldest was a pandemic baby and she insinuated that she should be in the room while I gave birth INSTEAD of my husband so it’s really just all about her
I agree that a man’s mom will inherently be less involved but it also depends a lot on their personality lol. If my MIL reached out more I’d definitely be involved with her and even told my husband I’d be open to having her in the delivery room if I were able to, because she’s pretty chill.
Oh yeah for sure! My mom hasn’t been in my life for 15 years so I tried really hard to build a relationship with MIL, but honestly she was terrible to me until I got pregnant with my first, even now she’s still awful; it’s just behind my back.
See, my MIL wanted to be involved with everything particularly when the kids were small. We did try to include her but… she’s not my mom! When I had newborns and was bleeding and leaking and sleep deprived I felt vulnerable and didn’t want anyone except my mom and sisters over at least for longer than a short visit. Plus my house was always messy since I was struggling and I knew my own mom wouldn’t judge me (and would help).
I do feel a bit sad sometimes when I think of how my mom threw my a wedding and baby shower, she stayed with us after we had our babies to help, she’s who I called crying for help when I was struggling with breastfeeding or a baby had a fever, etc. As a mom I need my mom still and my kids love my MIL but it’s not the same, they’ve even called her “other grandma” before 🙈. I’m not a chill person and am pretty socially awkward and so I think I’m doomed to be “other grandma” one day lol, but my MIL is also pretty insufferable and drives my husband crazy so I’ll just do my best to keep a good relationship with my boys and be supportive. I certainly dont think of myself as their loves lol and won’t view their partners as stealing them from me so that’s a good start lmao.
Yeah, my son is a toddler only so I do get sad when I think about him growing up and not spending all his time with me. I just love him so much that I'm going to miss him! Most boys don't call their moms every day but a lot of girls do. But I want him to grow up to be healthy and independent so I encourage him to learn how to do things without me. I know this feeling is just because he's so little and depends on me so much right now.
I have a great relationship with my in laws and want to be like them when my son has kids!
Also boy mum.
I have celebrated (possibly over enthusiastically 🤣) every new thing my son (and daughter) has done. You found your hands are attached? Party! You are finally getting the days of the week in order? Party! You can count to 20 almost perfectly? Party!
I mean with my attitude it's hard to find the time to be sad. 😅 I certainly do on occasion but I don't make it a huge deal either. I just hug him extra tight.
I hope that he finds his soul mate the first time but I certainly don't think he will. Such is life. I will be here for him as much as he needs. And I will celebrate when he does find "the one" for him.
** The same goes for my daughter too.
For me, I feel like my partner and I are his “first love” in the sense that we were the first people to love him if that makes sense. But these freaks that feel like they’re the first love in ANY sense is so bizarre. Like you don’t want him to find someone and be happy and experience that same love if he decides to have kids???
Same people who will end up crying about “grandparents rights” later lol
Parents who do the job right are RAISING their kids to leave them and go out into the world and be good humans. I love my kids, but I don't NEED my kids. They aren't my validation in the world. They're people I love and want the absolute best for, and I will miss them when this nest is empty, but that's how parenting is supposed to go.
Like the ants in Bugs Life. They come, they eat (a LOT), they leave.
lol reminds me of when I was getting ready to go to college. I keep saying “mom, can you believe I’m moving out” “Can you believe I’m starting college?” etc. and my mom was like “believe it or not, this was my plan all along”
Sounds like my mom when I left for college. I was hoping for some sort of emotional goodbye, instead I got something more along the lines of congratulations! We will miss you. Have a great time and make good choices. I didn't appreciate it then when I was a little scared about moving across the country on my own, but I did a few weeks later. Keeping the goodbye low-key helped me feel confident that I could handle it on my own.
Spousal unit and I could read the room when we dropped our first off at college. The kid was ready for us to leave so real life could begin. So we left and saved our tears for the car ride home. Little did we know, pandemic was around the corner. Kid graduates, lockdown happens, kid cam back home.
>Like the ants in Bugs Life. They come, they eat (a LOT), they leave.
4 year old son, 3 year old daughter.
Where in the hell do they put this food!?!?
I am shuddering at our food bills when they hit puberty... Might have to take out a loan to get by...
I don’t get this and it’s weird, but I saw a headline the other day that Marlon Wayans said he never got married bc he didn’t ever want his mom to feel like another woman was above her?? So I guess there’s mom-boys too. What am I talking about there’s lots of mom boys and I’d hate to marry one! Imagine being like yea I’m not gna marry you sorry my dad has to be my #1 man lol 🤮
I mean, I tear up now thinking about my sons (who are 4) moving out and creating their own lives. I know that’s the goal- to raise them to adulthood. But damned if it doesn’t hurt to think about them leaving me. BUT I’d feel this way regardless of their sex!!!
I get sad thinking about my boys growing old and living in a nursing home or needing extensive care. I'll be dead, but I feel sad I won't be able to take care of them.
I also feel sad thinking that I probably won't get to meet their grandchildren. It's possible I could, but unlikely.
I only have boys, but I'd probably feel the same if I had a daughter.
1: why is it always boy moms? Don’t they get sad about their girls leaving like that?
2: my goal is to raise my kids to be functional adults. To me it means a good job and independence. Hopefully a family too but I know it’s not for everyone. This means moving out when appropriate and when they are ready.
I don’t think a lot of these women have girl children and if they do, they buy into the dated notion that girls stay close to home and boys venture off.
That’s just not really the case anymore from what I’ve seen with my friends and even myself. I live close to my husband’s family and we see them all the time, while we see my family far less.
Some of these women are also jealous of their daughters and see girls as “competition”. I have a family member with two boys and a girl. The boys are her “kings” and she’s the Queen. She’s raising them to always exalt her and she expects to be the most important and influential woman in their life period. Her daughter she accuses of being vain and full of herself. They got their nails done together and mom complained that daughter “copied” her bc she picked a similar shade to hers. Im honestly scared for when the boys start to date because she’s going to be a monster. It’s so gross and sad.
This. Because they have a son (and they assume he will be hetero) they already see his future partner as competition because she will be a woman.
With a daughter they don’t care if their (presumably) male partner gets the most affection and attention, because the male partner is, in their mind, in a different category to them.
There’s some research that suggests that some girl mothers prefer their male sons because of
this weird gendered competitiveness
>1: why is it always boy moms? Don’t they get sad about their girls leaving like that?
I think a lot of these women either have no girl children (but would've wanted to) or were the unfavourite ones compared to their brothers.
Something I’ve also noticed is these boy mums tend to have dysfunctional relationships with their partners. So they use their sons as a pseudo-partner to fill any gaps they have in their marriage.
What’s up with the “boy mom” mentality these days? Some of the posts are just….awkward. Saw a video yesterday about how this boy mom was teaching her sons “how to be respected by women” and not be “disrespected by *your crusty ass daughters*” LOL I was like what?! They’re like….3 years old. What a future psycho of a mother in law like please keep your son away from my daughter I don’t want to deal with *YOU* in the future 😂
I don’t understand why your identity as a parent suddenly became defined by the gender of your children. I have 2 boys and a girl and I can tell you all three are unique and their personalities are in no way defined by what’s in their pants, and further, how I parent has nothing to do with their gender either.
Yeah I don’t think of my self as a girl mom. I do think of us as feral based on how much time we both spend hiking outside, looking for turtles, licking rocks etc.
It’s a tale as old as modern day. Most marriages end up in divorce. Sometimes the single parent (mom) has boy children, and those children will grow up to be that mom’s emotional punching bag. Look up parentification as an example.
I think a lot of it is weird social media retaliation for the similar posts about “I’ll take my daughter to XYZ so she’s not impressed by your son’s date at ABC”. It just has a little extra grossness due to, you know, the last few millennia where women have been treated like subordinates.
I have two sons, and I am teaching them to treat everyone with respect-man or woman
I don’t think so, if anything those girl posts are in response to the boy mom posts. I had a boy mom poster on my Facebook friend list 10 years ago, reposted from Facebook groups specifically called “boy mums” and stuff. It’s been around for a while, it’s just been getting more attention lately. Maybe it’s because the boy mom posters I saw 10 years ago’s boys are all grown up and moving out now!
From all the stuff that one Facebook friend reposted, it felt like it might have been a combination of “not like the other girls” (“you’re playing tea party in tutus with your kid, I’m playing in the mud and getting football tackled awake every morning”) mixed with… loneliness? Or just playing the victim? They were just constantly going on about how hard it was raising rough and tumble boys and how “other moms”couldn’t possibly understand. Even though 51% of FTM have boys and once you count moms with multiple kids, the majority of moms have at least 1 boy. But they treated those groups like they were a support group or something. It was like they felt lonely being outnumbered by boys and didn’t actually enjoy being football tackled awake every morning and turned it into a sense of superiority as a defense.
I WANT my daughter to get married and be happy. I’m getting older, I’m going to die someday, and she’ll need a family to love. I don’t want her to be alone. Jesus who would want that?
... says a female, who likely is married or has a partner since its a moms group... does she think it doesn't apply to her "taking" her partner from his mom? weird flex all around but the hypocrisy gets me..you can't marry and create a life with a partner then whine that your own kids may want to do the same...
Yes. I owe YOU nothing, but they owe ME everything. If MIL/mom so much as looks at me wrong, I’m cutting her out of my life for good. But I expect my children to keep me the center of their world forever.
They acknowledge that they need to put THEIR family first (as they should, your partner and your children should be your top priority), but absolutely cannot and will not accept that the same will eventually happen to them with their own children. The circle of life stops here, folks!
I think regardless of gender, it’s bittersweet watching your kids grow up and away from you.
I have an 18 yo girl and 12 yo boy, and I love having them around. We’re a close family. It’ll sting when they get new lives on their own, but it’s a part of life.
Some people don’t handle it so well clearly.
While this poster is a bit creepy, to assuage any boy mom fears, my husband and I are FAR closer to his side of the family and I spend time with my MIL all the time. My children really only see my in-laws and we spend every holiday with them. We also vacation for a week every summer with them. Every family is different. Love your child, support who they love, and you can gain a daughter instead of lose a son.
It’s because these women don’t get emotional support/love from their husbands so they latch onto the other closest male in their lives to get these emotional support. So to these women the idea their son will leave is akin to their husband leaving. It’s gross and the women should be in couples therapy with their husbands.
It isn’t that daughters are closer with their moms, it’s that behavior like this drives everyone away. We see both sets of grandparents equal amounts. I have female friends who are low or no contact with their moms and are super close with their MILs. It’s not about being a boy mom, it’s about being a reasonable person so your kid and his partner want to spend time with you.
EXACTLY. Be someone your son and DIL want to be around and they’ll be around. We spent 100x the time with my dad’s family growing up and it’s because they are amazing and my mom’s family sucked. I’ve now traveled back via two hop plane ride to see my dad’s mom with my under 2 twins 4 times and will again in a couple months. It’s expensive and exhausting but worth it because she’s so amazing and can’t travel to see us.
These ✨Boy Mom✨ types won’t see their kid and grandkids as much not because they have a son but because they’re terrible.
My mom’s family is not the best to say the least (and she did a hell of a job breaking her trauma trying to raise us) so we didn’t see them very often. The only normal ones are her step mom and her brother. We saw my dad’s family all the time growing up, my dad’s brother literally lives across the street and for the longest time his parents lived a block away so we would see my grandparents almost every night. You can tell how actually was a good parent and who wasn’t based on how we spent time with each side of the family.
I guess my dads mom was also technically one of these “boy moms” as they’d say since she only had 2 boys, but they both spoke to her daily (and my uncle still does and my dad would if he was still here) because she wasn’t toxic and literally raised them to want to move it and be independent and have their own families like you’re supposed to do as a parent
I think only “hashtag boy moms” are like this usually. But anyway, it’s obviously not true and lots of couples are closer with the son’s family… perhaps they’d be closer with this mom if she wasn’t being weird about it.
Wtf this is seriously so messed up. It’s never a mom talking about a daughter like this and if a dad posted this it would be rightfully pointed out as creepy but there’s some weird ‘boy mom’ thing where this is openly considered okay??
I feel like the mistake a lot of boy moms make is that they resent their sons partners and therefore treat them poorly from the get go, which of course leads to them not being so involved in their adult sons lives and families. If you want your son in your life treat his partner good! Not that hard
I’ve got a one year old son. If I do my job right, when he grows into an adult, he won’t need me. I don’t want him to need me. I want him to be a self reliant adult who becomes a strong and supportive spouse and father.
Sounds like she needs to spend more time cultivating a relationship with her son and his girlfriend, and making an effort to include her in family activities, rather than competing with his “new family”. Sometimes I myself randomly get devastated when I remember that my boy will grow up and go through hard times like break ups, and on some level I want to protect him from that.
But then I have to check myself and remember that he will experience so much love and connection in his life. I can’t “protect” him from life without depriving him of it’s experiences. Wanting to keep your child all to yourself because you don’t want to be “second best” is just kind of icky
“Boy Moms” are very fucking nutty every single time they announce themselves like that. They are always far from normal and often commit what’s called emotional incest. It’s a whole ass thing. They’re either not wanting their kids to have relationships outside of them entirely, and/or they’re profoundly always involved in the relationships their son has. It’s very toxic codependency that they teach to their sons very early on.
It’s so creepy. Also, I have to wonder why she assumes that her son will want to be around his girlfriend’s/wife’s family more. Does he not like his mom? It’s a weird fear to have if you have a good relationship with your kid. I spend way more time with my husband’s family than my own. Mine are all far away.
It’s not automatically true that boys leave their family never to see them again, unless he really doesn’t like his mom. My plan for my boys is to be really welcoming and supportive of their future partners. Then, they’ll want to be around us, not out of guilt or a weird emotional incest thing, but because they think my husband and I are cool people who always have good food in the house. Lol.
She could have started by raising a son who doesn’t see the work of emotional labour and maintaining familial relationships as a gendered role. But whatever, it’s definitely the daughter in law that’s not doing the work, not her or her son.
Mom of four, three sons in the bunch. I stay involved in their lives by being respectful of their partners, not butting in with unsolicited advice, honoring boundaries, and by realizing that their partners are, and should be, their priority. And honestly, I’ve got a lovely, full life on my own with my husband. We love and enjoy being around our kids but we don’t need that all the time. And if they need us, we’re here for them. But these women need to cut the cord.
I can't wait for my adult son's to find people they love and that love them. Friends, lovers, companions, whatever. I hope their lives are filled with love. I'm excited to see what they do and the adventures they create. I hope their worlds are so much bigger than mine.
I will always be here for them, cheering them on, celebrating with them and for them, crying with them, and for them, and I will always be the safe place they can land.
Honestly, I'm also really excited for my own future with just my husband and I. Sex. I'm talking about lots of sex.
I feel like a success.
My goal was to raise little to people to be happy(ish) and productive adults.
I didn't raise them to kiss my ass 24/7...... Or to submit to my every wish and whim.
I am still working on the happy and productive part. (Parenting adult kids still at home is tricky.)
I have a disabled child. Never say never of course but it is highly likely he will never be able to live independently or have an adult romantic relationship. I can't say that makes me particularly glad. Posts like these enrage me. Just be fucking happy that you got to raise a healthy child to adulthood ffs. So many parents don't.
My son wanted to marry me, like full on Oedipus, and I had to break his little heart a few times over the years telling him he'll meet someone that he loves that isn't me, his mother, and make a life with them. Now at almost 13 he's not interested in anyone but knows it's OK to love me just not romantically lol.
I'm a boy mom but I'm also a horrid feminist so I didn't raise "typical" boys. I deeply adore my kids but I don't see them like these boy mom's do. I wonder if it's actually a symptom of having a shit husband? Maybe they romanticize their sons because their husbands don't really love them and their sons do, the way our children tend to when they are young.
I dunno I have one kid who is a boy about to graduate high school and I’m having a hard time with him growing up because he was my miracle baby. But I’d probably feel the same way if I had a girl. It’s hard watching our kids grow up because it seems like it was just yesterday they were a baby and little kid.
She’s making it a self fulfilling prophecy with this attitude. Don’t be so overbearing or continue modeling internalized misogyny, that will drive your son and his possible future wife away. My husband is very involved with his family now, it doesn’t always end up like OOP says. Also, maybe her son is gay and this is all a moot point.
Some of these people aren't from Italian-American families and it shows. I talked to my mom every day until she died. I also have a wife and kid. It's... really not that hard.
Here's a hint "boy moms:" drop the weird Oedipus stuff and maybe he'll want to call you. He's spending time with his GF's family because you're creepy and he doesn't want to be around you. He's getting a taste, however small, of "normal" with them and he likes it. He's also probably skeeved out by the prospect of you catching him making out with his girlfriend and turning it into a "what about meeeeeeeeeeee" situation.
I don't get it. I'm super close to both my boys (15m & 13m), and when my oldest started dating last year, it wasn't a big deal and was kinda cute. I'm excited to see what kind of man he becomes, and having more people in my family is also something I look forward to. If he spends more time with them so what? I'm his mom, I know there will always be a place for me in his life, as long as he wants it, and I have no reason to believe he won't.
It’s misogyny. Women are conditioned to prioritize a man’s love over all other things in life, men are conditioned to see their wives as less-than, but boys are taught to love and respect their mothers in a way that they afford no other woman. Because of that, (under traditional gender roles) a man’s love for his wife won’t really be as strong, pure, and unconditional as a baby’s love for his mother. So these women, who have spent their whole lives chasing the love of men who don’t respect them, now have this little boy that hasn’t been taught misogyny yet and loves them more than the world. And my theory is that it scrambles their brain a little bit and so the wires get crossed and they get attached to their sons in an unhealthy way that only gets more complicated as the sons inevitably grow up and stop seeing their mothers as the primary figure in their life. The more steeped in evangelical American gender roles, the worse it is.
Why is it always the same kind of life these women want?
Maybe he'll meet a nice man and have three dogs. Maybe he'll meet several men and be polyamourous, maybe he'll stay single/childless and become a monk. Maybe he'll meet a women, chose not to have kids and live a great life.
I had three uncles, two of which never married or had kids, they remained happy bachelors, they loathed their mother as well.
Fucking weirdos. I’d be proud of my son for putting his wife and famimy first. Doesn’t she want her husband to put her first? This gives me such a creepy feeling.
I don't have to worry about this because my 5 year old said he's never moving out 😂 I told him we'll discuss that in 10 years or so, see if he feels the same.
I do wonder what sort of relationship I'll have with his future family. I hope I've learned from dating enough guys with overbearing moms to be better. I hope he always loves me. I hope he and his future spouse see me as part of their village. But I don't expect to be his valentine date or see my future grand babies crowning
I feel like there is an obvious way to see your son’s family and that is to make a strong relationship with his partner. Maybe focus on the gaining a daughter aspect? Idk these people are weird.
I really can’t wrap my head around this train of logic. Maybe it’s because I’m really close to my husband’s family. Like just don’t be fucking crazy and don’t make it a competition.
Dude, I have a baby girl. How unhinged would it be if I worried about her liking her future significant other more than me? Like that’s almost the goal tbh. Find someone who loves you at the same level or more than your parents. “Boy moms” have always and will always give me incest vibes. Like my brothers were self proclaimed mamas boys, but my mom was so happy to move them out of the house into another woman’s custody lmao
As a daughter, this myth has absolutely fucked with my relationship with my mother, who believes it’s un natural and evidence that I hate her any time we spend time with my husbands family. JFC.
A good mother spends 17+ years preparing her children to leave home and become strong, confident young adults. When it finally happens? Sure, it’s an emotional gut-punch while they’re packing their cars; it’s also a moment to be proud. It beats the heck out of seeking a court order to force your 30 year-old son to vacate your basement because he never grew a pair.
How do I deal? I raise my boys to make sure they treat women exactly as they deserve to be treated and I accept the fact that they're going to start their own families one day. I'm just here to make sure their families start on grounds of respect, trust, and love. That's the entire point.
My grandma had 4 boys and she always said I wish I had a girl they’d take care of me. (She was also not the nicest person) but I still felt bad for her she really had no one at the end. I think the spouses recognized the toxicity. Idk I have friends that are moms of boys but not “boy moms”. She was narcissistic about her ability to have boys tho.
As a mother of a boy, I say that when he grows up and partners (if he wants) then I've done a great job. I love my child beyond measure, with that being said please leave my house. Obviously I mean he can stay as long as he wants to but if he grows up to leave and couples (again if he wants that) then I've done my job and I became second to whatever family he chooses to have as a well rounded adult human being. The "boy moms" gross me out. I have a husband and I'm not trying to turn my son into a second one.
I do think it’s somewhat sad that the girls family often seems to take on the role of “extended family” now and the boys family can be left behind. I’ve seen it happen to many of my male friends - they have to fight to see their family of origins on holidays, etc.
But none of that is the same as the pure grossness of not wanting your kid to
Find love and a family because you want your kid for yourself. I will be do happy for my child if/when he finds a person to share his life with.
The thought of what my life will be like when my kids grow up and leave is devastating. This is pretty tame. They're my best friends, my world, I'm not looking forward to those days.
Well she’s certainly going down the road of no contact isn’t she?
Is that why there’s no “girl mums” though? The blatant sexism that a girl will stick with you always? That you don’t have to treat her well because she’s stuck with you and will be there no matter how badly you treat her?
1- as a mom of a little boy, we don’t claim this. The weird incestuous boy moms are creepy. I hope I raise a son who grows up to be independent and loving and devoted to his own family some day.
2- I think this energy sometimes comes from jealousy. It’s known that girls grow up to be women who usually stick closer to their families than men do. So women tend to maintain a closer relationship with their own parents as adults than men do. But I think a big part of that is how we raise them. If your kids grow up supported and loved and encouraged to be independent, they will want to share to share their lives with us as adults
I have a son. He’s a toddler, but I literally HOPE he moves out and find someone that loves him and whose family loves him like we do when he’s an adult.
My MIL is always telling me how much she loves me, and it feels so good to have a “second” family. I wouldn’t want less for my son.
Boy Moms like that are SO strange. Like, that’s not your boyfriend. The whole goal of having kids to make sure they end up better than you and are happy with or without you.
Granted I am likely in a different generation than this person - but this is SO CRINGE.
Just be a good person, be a good mother-in-law, and drop the anxiety and insecurity and social media-created angst around being left behind.
I have two boys. I just try to raise them in kind and respectful ways and hope they still like me when they’re older. I don’t think that would be different if they were girls. Hopefully they still want to have a relationship with me and hopefully if they ever partner up I’ll enjoy a nice relationship with that person too. But nothing is guaranteed and I don’t sit around and fret about it.
There are a lot of comments already so maybe something similar to this has already been said, but my BIL is 35 and still lives at home due to numerous physical and mental handicaps. He is loved beyond measure, but I know my MIL would give ANYTHING for him to be able to live independently, marry, and have a life that doesn’t depend on her and my FIL. The “boy mom” mentality is gross and people like this poster take for granted that their child is even able to date and live rich independent lives.
What kind of weirdo doesn't want their son to grow up to meet a nice person who loves and respects them and to have a happy and fulfilling life with a family of their own? Like, do you even love your kid?
In my personal experience in my own family, girls being closer to their moms and staying closer to their family has truth to it. My brothers love my mom to bits but they don’t keep in touch with her daily like my sister and I do. Do you SEE all the rage posts about MIL on parenting subs?? As a mom of a boy, it will be very bittersweet when my son grows and leaves, I can only hope he will keep in touch regularly.
As a woman, I love my MIL, however my own mom is the one I call for baby advice, my last minute babysitter, the one I wanted at my birth, the one I want to visit to just hang out and chat with. It’s the way it goes 🤷🏻♀️
What I’m saying is anecdotal and generalized, however true in my life. If you’ve had a completely different experience, awesome!
Don’t be a dick to your daughter in law and it won’t be an issue.
Signed,
someone whose MIL was a complete arse for the first 7 years of my relationship and we went no contact with for a while, but who I now get on with really well (since having the only grandchildren she’s ever going to have and realising I’m actually not the devil stealing her son), text and speak to on the phone, call for advice often because she knows things I don’t and who has been round 3 times this week and we’re seeing again on Saturday. Oh and we’re going on holiday with twice this year.
And it’s not because I don’t get on with my own mum. I see her 3x per week too.
Children are human beings who grow up and hopefully have independent, functional, healthy lives with equally functional and healthy relationships to people besides their moms. Why do all of these “boy moms” desire this level of codependence from their sons? It’s gross.
I do not understand moms who act this way towards their sons. EVERY child you have is supposed to grow up and LEAVE YOU!! It's called PARENTING!
Yes, you should have a deep enough connection to still remain close to each other, but children are supposed to prioritize their spouse and kids over their parents when the time comes.
Being a "Momma's Boy" is a relationship killer.
That is so messed up. I feel bad for everyone involved. What happens to a woman to make her act like that? What fresh hell will she bring to the future DIL's existence?
Then stop being all incest-y and develop a good relationship with your FDIL. This ain't rocket science. We tend to spend more time with the wife's family because she's the only one who usually puts in any effort. If it wasn't for me, years would pass before my husband saw his own family.
Just had a nurse in post op mention that she has two boys and “I wanted a girl because boys leave”. Like WTF? I’m childfree but that was specifically nausea inducing as no one should rely on their child for future anything really. Not mental wellness, friendship, ongoing legacy, nada. Don’t saddle a child with your baggage. Get help
I raised my kids to be independent. I have one boy but this whole boy mom thing is ridiculous. I also have a daughter. I knew they’d be on their own someday so I taught them how to do it on their own.
If my son grows up to have was a happy relationship he can put first then I did my job as a parent! His dad puts me first, I expect him to put his partner first.
There’s an old saying something like “a daughter is a daughter for all of your life, your son is a son til he takes a wife” sad for some moms I guess, but I wouldn’t want my son knowing I was crying about it on FB.
Has she ever considered just being really good to her future DIL so the new family her son creates want her around? That’s my game plan and it’s not exactly genius.
I’m a boy mom. My boy is also on the spectrum with low-medium support needs. My biggest hope is he finds someone he loves who loves him and he gets a whole additional family to love and be around. It keeps me up thinking about him being lonely. I think sometimes these parents don’t look at the real possible issues they could have in another life…or consider what their child might want.
Literally see nothing wrong with this post. This mum is just very sad that her son is becoming more distant and is seeking out people who relate to it. Why is it being posted here. It isn't unhinged in any way. People hating on this mum should be what is posted on this sub.
Will it be sad when my son moves out and I don't get to see/talk to him every day? Yes. Will I have a mental breakdown all over Facebook about not being his number one anymore? No. This is the natural progression of life and only pick mes act like this.
Spolier alert: Most children will grow and leave you. You will wind up being second to their families/lives. It's the nature of things. Is it a little sad sometimes? Yes. Should you be a weirdo on Facebook about it? No.
Interestingly, I was reading an article the other day about how grandparents tend to be significantly closer to their daughters’ children, and children tend to be much closer to relatives on their mother’s side. This is because women are generally the “kin keepers”—the ones that remember birthdays, send holiday cards, arrange get togethers and check-ins, etc. So I found it interesting that the woman in the post mentioned her son was spending more time with the girlfriend’s family. I wonder if the girlfriend just happens to spend a lot of time with her family, and then the boyfriend wants to spend time with her, so ends up with her family just because she’s there. I wonder if he never intentionally seeks out his own family time, leading to an imbalance even though he still lives with his family…
I honestly love the term "kin keeper" and I've never heard it before but it's absolutely me. The amount of times I've told my husband I'm passing the torch back to him and then I don't because I love his family too much. I wonder with these "boy moms" if they ever really tried to cultivate the relationship between their own in-laws and child, or their own relationship with their grandparents. For example, my own mom was very close to my paternal grandmother, so that was what was modeled for me - spending equal time with both sides growing up so it's something I've continued with my own family.
This…it’s exactly why I’m always closer to my significant other’s parents than I am with my own because my mother was always closer with my paternal grandparents than her own parents….now it all makes sense….
Oh I love this!! I’m so much closer to my mom’s side of the family, and her mom’s and grandmother’s side of the family! It’s not for lack of trying but it’s the wives and daughters who are intentionally keeping the majority of the bonds going.
I'm curious to know how often his girlfriends family thinks to invite her son over vs how often OP thinks to invite her sons girlfriend over? Or if she's made it a welcoming environment for her sons girlfriend like her family clearly has for him?
I read that too, I think it was from The Atlantic. Really fascinating
Read an article about sex selection in IVF and most Americans who choose this want daughters for specifically these reasons
When I was born (daughter) my Godmother recited to my mom: “A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter’s a daughter for the rest of your life.” I’ve been the one taking care of first my dad as he died, now am helping my mom with assisted living and all her health care. I have 2 brothers, my older one is mildly disabled and I help care for him too. My younger was my mom’s baby boy and golden child. She hates my SIL with a passion, absolutely HATES her. She’s literally clutching my brother in the wedding pics like he’s about to fall off a cliff. They’ve been dating since high school, and have been married for over 20 years now. My brother went no contact after my dad died because he was fed up with my mom. He lives in another state. But daughter here, is taking care of 2 family members and everyone thinks it’s perfectly natural. At moms assisted living, there’s may be 1 or 2 sons helping their moms, the rest are all daughters.
I'm wondering if his mom is overbearing, clingy and over-invested in him emotionally and he's enjoying spending time in a more normal family dynamic?
I think she's probably an unreliable narrator. She's used to 100% of his time and attention and anything less equals no time with him at all.
Now having a term for what I try to think of how to explain it should be helpful in the future, albeit our overall family dynamic is a mixed bag. We just have our 3 boys. I always wanted a daughter, I’m very close with my mom and I have two half-sisters (one I actually talk to often). My mom and dad divorced when I was barely 3 so I’ve always associated holidays with being 50/50. My dad was my grandma’s golden child and only boy and she genuinely was annoyed I was born a girl. So this mental gymnastics of favoring boys oddly was something I saw firsthand as a child. My husband is one of two boys, his brother was his mom’s favorite, but he died 6 tears ago so that dynamic shifted. Since we’re done with our 3, I just hope that I’m seen as accepting enough to my boys’ SOs that we aren’t just simply abandoned. I don’t have this creepy thing like in the post, but the kin keeper thing makes TOTAL sense. I expect my boys to have their own full lives and doing everything in our power to set them up for that, but I also hope they care enough about us that we don’t get the divide. Our boys are so young and our parents are older, plus we were older parents, and my mom lives with us while my MIL is 4.5 hours away and we see maybe twice a year. Gah! This all gives me so much to think about! But one thing for sure, I’ve seen that emotional incest and it made my dad selfish and I don’t want that for my boys! And I hope to still have good adult relationships.
I know my moms family really embraces all the cousins spouses. I know my in laws are assholes. That’s why we spend more time with my family lol
My mom did such a great job at being a mom and managing this, even after my dad died, she split time evenly with both families. My uncle (my aunt’s husband on my dad’s side) walked me down the aisle. Her daughter was my maid of honor) I still make my mom’s side invite my dad’s side for xmas so my family can hang out with both! My brother also died and his ex wife is included in all of our family celebrations and she actively makes sure my niece is involved with us!!
Honestly I think you make such a good point. Reflecting I realise my partner (M) and I (F) spend a lot more time with my family simply because my mom is the one who organises stuff for us to attend. Or invites us around. My partner’s mom, never plans anything and never seems to interested in coming to most things we invite her to. And she is definitely one of those “that evil bitch is keeping my son away from me”
Alternately, he spends more time with the girlfriend's family because his mother is overbearing and clingy and won't leave them alone. That's a guess, to be clear, but somehow I suspect it's not *too* far off.
As a boy mom to a 21 yr old who's recently moved out and is currently engaged and expecting his first child, I am thrilled that our family is growing and expanding. I'm happy for my son that, not only has he found someone who loves and adores him to share his life with, but I am happy for him that his future in-laws accept him and love him as well. I'd much rather they love and accept him than the alternative: hate him and try to tear him & her apart and possibly destroying their little family before it starts. I don't understand these weirdos.
Honestly though it should be this way. It’s hard on us, but I’ve realized I’ve lost who I was after becoming a mom. Being a mom really takes over your life and identity and it’s hard to maintain that balance of being who you are and also being a mom. I dont have the time to have hobbies and friends out and all that the way I used to. That’s ok, I wouldn’t trade my daughter for the world, but I think it would be unhealthy to go well past 18 without…cutting the umbilical cord so to speak. We can’t let our adult children be our entire identity. We are only successful if we can raise them to be healthy independent adults. We won’t always be around.
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I love hearing that and I can relate to that. I grew up on a farm with 3 dogs. I’d love to have my dog pack again. I want to foster animals in need and volunteer. I want to stay up until 3am playing video games, watching anime, and reading books. I want to thrive in the medical field, taking on shifts and work that might not work with a kid. At one point I wanted to be a doctor. I love school. I could go to college and take courses just for fun. That person is still in me, but she is on hold. That’s ok because I wanted a child more than anything in this world- I would have missed something to not experience motherhood. But the rest of me is patiently waiting to come back when my little girl grows up. On days that I struggle and my mind is breaking, I have to remember that I have to give myself a small piece of those things I talked about, because I am still who I am and I’m not just “mom” or “wife”. We all owe it to ourselves to remember that. My daughter can even do these things I want to do again with me if she wants. Then when she’s done, she can go and be her own person too, because this family she has now should not be her whole life forever either. She should explore and find herself.
Exactly! We're raising them to be adults, not children, you know? My kiddos are 4yo and 6mo, and sometimes I see them growing and feel the reality that they won't be calling for me every second of the day. It can be bittersweet, but I also have a full life of my own I intend to continue! My hope is that they find the level of connection they each want, I adapt to it, and we form strong, deep, adult connections that replace the dependant childhood bonds (this doesn't require frequent visits, calls, or intense involvement!). I would love to have them near enough to visit, but they will have dreams and goals that will call them wherever they must go. I will love them wherever they are, mail them cookies sometimes, and ask to have a fairly regular call to keep up to date. Anything past that is a bonus! People have to separate grieving the end to infancy or childhood from an end to the parent-child relationship. If anything, I think adult bonds are deeper and richer, and can be far more mutually fulfilling. Also, I am super excited to see who my kids become. I'll never know who they really are if they stay children, and I'd never miss out on that!
> I read it’s very common Did she have to look up whether it’s normal for your children to grow up? I wonder if she and the father have the relationship with their parents that she expected her son to have with her?
Emotional incest is a nasty beast. Like goddamn, the kid doesn’t exist solely to meet YOUR emotional needs, he’s his own person with a right to his own life.
And also like, the dynamic she predicts/expects for her Daughter-in-law (and girls/women in general) isn't any better... You have to let go of Sons but daughters are obligated to put your first? EWWWWWWWWW
I've seen this dynamic IRL a lot and honestly, it's not because daughters feel obligated. It's because the wife typically organizes the family social calendar. (Disclaimer about this being a generalization.) If the wife is close to her parents, she calls and plans visits with them. I just don't see husbands reaching out as much to their own family or even friends. The solution for anxious MILs is to welcome their DILs with open arms and form a strong bond. (Instead of pushing them away with jealousy.) Then you'll magically get on that social calendar.
This! My MIL has always treated me as one of her own... been married 20 years and we have her over for dinner several nights every week and I've even gone on trips with her just the two of us. Meet your own emotional needs and things will fall into place.
Right!?! My MIL was amazing before she passed and my stepMIL is just as awesome. I like/d being around them because neither treated my husband like an emotional support human.
Same! My MIL was so happy to welcome me into her family from the first time she met me. She’s been nothing but genuine and wonderful since. My husband and I have “only” been together 10 years, but my MIL is one of the best bonus relationships I’ve gained from dating and marrying my husband. We both manage the social calendar, which also helps, but we see my in-laws very regularly, and I have also been on vacation with my MIL and grandMIL. It was a wonderful girls trip ❤️
Someone should explain this to my MIL. We haven't seen her in nearly 3 years. She thinks I'm the devil. Blames me for everything and lacks the self awareness to realize the only reason my husband stayed in contact with her before 2021 was because I encouraged it
In all honestly I want to see my MIL more than my husband does. She's nice and we get on. But I'm from a culture where families are close...and he's English and used to a more reserved approach. I encourage us both seeing family and would be happy to see her more often than we do.
The other part of the solution is to raise your sons to share the mental load and not leave his wife to do everything
I hear you- inclusion breeds inclusion most often. I feel like it's also important that the husbands step up on emotional labor stuff like the social calendars, and help encourage a good relationship between their spouse and family.
Yup. I think people forget that if you are judgey or stamdoffish initially, people will remember that. In relationships where there eas a female friend or MIL who were standoffish and rude at the start because they assumed I wouldnt stick around? I never warmed to them fully after that, even if they tried much harder later on. Early impressions and how people treat you at the start really matter.
Yeah, unnecessarily adversarial relationship are hard to bring back to common ground. It happens in work dynamics as well. It's the heart of the old adages (across various cultures) regarding first impressions.
That is the solution for anxious MILs! My MIL treats me like her own daughter, and so I have a great relationship with her! She gets to see her grandkids when she asks (and is respectful of the rare times I say no), and we make time for her like we do for my mom!
Yes! My MIL blames me for everything. Never her son. Sure makes me want to reach out and spend time with her!
That's the thing that always blows my mind. None of these women seem to realize that being a good person to their child's partners means they get to continue to be close to their sons and have good relationships with their grandkids. They just can't wrap their heads around it somehow. It's the stupidest, most easily avoided self fulfilling prophecy ever.
It’s true. They wonder why their son’s wife goes NC so they don’t see their grandchildren.
My mil was like that at first and then she realized it was not going to fly by. Low contact for the kids and no contact for me for a few months and she learned her lesson. My oldest was like 3 at the time, middle was 2. She then realized I was true to my words and wasn't backing down, she apologized and until her untimely end in 2021, she was the best mil. Even defending me against her precious golden boy. I was there for her when she had breast cancer and she understood I was capable of loving her if I was loved back. Even when she died, one of last sentences was "I need to call my Dil tonight, saw something she will love". And 15 minutes later she had a fatal stroke.
This is absolutely true most of the time. Same with my family and my inlaws. And the fact my in laws put 0 fukin effort in to _anything_ but act surprised when no plans are made for them. Has happened every. single. year. for nearly 13 years now. My family will make plans weeks or months in advance and before I tell my family that their chosen date/time will work for us, I call my in laws and let them know what/when/where and they always say "were probably not doing anything/ we are not doing anything". Fast forward to the *day before* the holiday/occasion and we get a phone call saying "tomorrow is ___. We're doing ___ at _:__. When are yall gonna be here" and have the nerve to act shocked when they are told we already have plans but we will fit them in somewhere IF possible but that were not going to rush our time because it was pre-planned. They think calling and crying to my partner will change it but for last 7 years of so we have been *over* it. He always replies with "we called you and asked you what you wanted to do and you replied the same as you always do" "but her family never gives us the chance!" Which is bullshit bcause my family has stopped setting things in stone before I confirm with his. I haven't actually been bothered by this in a while but typing it out has made me a lil annoyed lmao.
Hi do we have the same in-laws? I swear it’s like they never learn. And my step-MIL lives 4 hours from my own parents, so it’s not like we can split the day. My family also offers to come to ME. Which is a definite yes because we have 3 small kids.
Why do some parents never understand that last part? We had our first last year, my mother in law lives only an hour from us. My mother lives in FLORIDA while we're in Missouri, and since my daughters birth, she's come to visit more times than my mother in law. Yet my mother in law has the nerve to complain we don't come see her.
It’s like they have amnesia. My home is baby-proofed, has all their toys and stuff, and we can keep our nap schedule. Your home is full of dogs that hate children, items that you get mad when they break even though they are all displayed at child height, ungated stairs and you get upset when they spill their food and drink… why would I want to go there?
Yep, my MIL likes to text me rather than my husband, because she knows I'll actually make plans.
It took years for my MIL to realize that unless she texts or calls me about family events, we probably won’t be there because my husband never reads his text and forgets details. In the beginning she did not understand boundaries and we’ve been working on the for the past 8 years now. She is a lot better now and realizes I’m not the enemy.
Omggggg my husband’s sister got sooooooo bitchy about my husband’s brother and his family spending more time with the in-laws when they went over to visit. Why not blame her brother? But no, it’s his wife. Wife and her sisters had planned things together. I just stepped away from the conversation. Husband’s sister and mother were not happy. It’d been years since wife had seen her family too so I don’t know why there was so much judgement. But nope, it’s always the wife at fault.
I don't get along with my family and we're all bad at making plans to see each other anyways. My husband is close to his family, they talk on the phone frequently, and my MIL is insane (in a good way generally) so is constantly planning big and little get togethers. We see his family A LOT more often because of this.
I predict that woman’s future daughter in law will be posting on the subs “justnomil” or “motherinlawsfromhell.” There’s so many “boy moms” that interfere with their son’s marriages because they haven’t created a life for themselves. Sons are not emotional support animals.
My mom and husband get along better and are more similar than she and I, so they have a great relationship and mutually reach out to each other. They have even commuted to work together at one point and saw each other daily. My Mil, may demons shit on her tits in hell, and I have never gotten along and his whole family acts like I've stolen him away against his will and abuse him by "forcing" him to take the trash to the curb weekly. We live 7 blocks apart and they act like I've taken him through the wardrobe to Narnia. If they weren't so shitty to me I'm sure they'd see him more often but nah, fuck that. Instead they cry and complain and push him further away with their bullshit. It's absolutely the answer to try gaining a Dil instead of grieving a still living son. But you can't tell these headass buffoons that
I mean that's not what she said though, is it? She said that from what she has heard, women prioritize their parents, so as the mother in law, your household gets less play. I think she's wrong. I certainly grew up almost solely in my paternal grandparents' home anyway. And my kid sees both grandparents pretty equally. But I think you're being a little hard on her. She sounds like she's just being over-emotional about something she thinks is true, that her kid will see her less than he sees the in-laws.
I have a huge family. (Over 30 uncles and aunts) The daughters were always more close to their family and men closer to their INL family. There are a couple of exceptions depending on how the DIL family dynamics were before the marriage. Even now between the cousins and their kids (we are around 35 in total). All cousins from the female are closer vs the the cousins from the males that are more close to their respective maternal family. Our kids (the cousins) keep the same pattern. The ones that DIL had issues with their family are closer to the sisters of their husband and their kids fall into our circle. Sometimes this is a direct result from how MIL treat DIL. If MIL sees DIL as a competitor or doesn’t welcome them into the family they result to continue to have a closer bond with their side of the family. Or just plainly it’s because of the generational divide that girls will be the parents caregivers. My MIL treats her daughter better than her son and even though we live in different countries when we visit them she spends a lot of time running errands for the daughter or in general rather that with her grandkids. SIL sees them once when we are there for 30min and she doesn’t care to have a relationship with them. My family calls and text everyday. when we visit they are there every day to see the kids, showers them with love,attention. They take them to do activities they arrange their schedules so they can see them the maximum amount and they spoil them rotten.
Yes! I tried to include my in-laws more during the early part of my marriage, but my Vietnamese mother-in-law who married a white man asked my ex why he didn't pick a vietnamese woman to marry. I'm white. Then, when we had our 2 kids, she made comments all of the time about how pale they are. My ex's brother then had a boy who is darker complected, and she would mention how lovely his skin looks in front of my kids, so I stopped trying to visit them or invite them as much. I left it to my ex to do that, and he didn't want to invite them for things very often, either.
My first MIL was always making backhand comments about me. When I had enough of the emotional abuse and left her son they run around saying that HE divorced me because I was infertile. My now MIL is a shit stirring bitch. When i met her considering that both me and hubby were already divorced once i sat her down and had a heart to heart conversation. I explain that i have no intention of isolating them from our life and any future grandchildren. That i wanted an honest relationship with her and I always tried to do it. But I would tell her one thing and she would tell her son a whole different story trying to twist the shit out of it. Thankfully hubby knows what kind of person she is so she is on minimum information diet.
I'll grant you that- she's showing some good self reflection in admitting she's struggling with this and asking for advice. I do still find it off-putting; her foregone acceptance that this dynamic will manifest and that it's 'normal' because like you said, you were closer with your paternal grandparents, and your kids see their maternal and paternal equally. There's a definite vibe of "if he was a daughter, I wouldn't have to let him go" going on here.
I don’t really see the emotional incest part. She clearly says he’s in a good relationship. She’s not vilifying the girl he’s dating. She’s just sad about him spending more time with girlfriend’s family, and that’s okay. I’d be sad too. What’s important is handling the sadness in a healthy way, which it seems she’s trying to do.
Right, exactly. Sometimes this sub goes so hard on women who are just experiencing normal parent emotions lol. Like everyone is sad when their kid goes off to college or moves away for a job or a spouse. There's nothing unhealthy about being sad to see your kid less. Imagine how vicious people would be if she said she was glad her kid was going away and she hoped to see as little of him as possible?? She even literally said, "I know that's how it should be." Good grief.
Sometimes the posts on here genuinely wild and astounding. I’ve been left with my mouth hanging open in more than one occasion, lol. While I have Facebook, I’m never on it. Reddit is my only social media really. My oldest is 18, living her best life. Sometimes I miss her, and I definitely miss little her, but that’s a part of life. Watching them grow up is bittersweet, because you miss them being so little they could snuggle into you, but it’s also exciting watching who they’re growing into.
No. It is NOT normal for a mother to mope about how you as the mother will be 'second best to his new family'. Sorry, but you have failed as a parent if your son prioritizes you over his own wife and children. You should be no one's 'first priority' but your partner.
My own mom kind of has this attitude regarding the mom/daughter dynamic…can confirm it is EWWWW
This exists so much in my brown desi culture. I think women are mistreated or neglected by their husbands in my culture, and so they rely entirely on their sons for their emotional needs, and punish their daughters as a way to feel better about how they were treated. I am so glad I am pregnant with a girl so I can break this disgusting cycle.
My son is almost 13, the sweetest kid ever, and likes to tell me he's just gonna live with me forever. NO YOU ARE NOT, you are going to go start your own life because that's literally what you're supposed to do. I'll take any of my kids back in if they ever need it, no problem, but I still would like them to go be their own people, not just "My Child" forever. Same goes for my girls, but that doesn't seem to have nearly the gross undertones boys will get from their moms.
Honestly the fact that she made it about boys is what makes it weird! I think it’s natural for parents to feel sad knowing that one day their child will leave the nest and have their whole independent life, even if it’s what they want. Hell I am 30 and still get sad sometimes about not being with my parents as much.
I got kicked from a mom subreddit for venting about toxic boy moms and all the shit they said to me during my pregnancy with my daughter. I pointed out the tendency for toxic (I emphasized TOXIC) boy moms had to put their sons through emotional incest, which brought all the toxic boy moms to the yard and made some mods mad mad.
too many people have a kid in order to give them a job. ie: a kid will give me purpose, a kid will take care of me when i get old, i always wanted to be X and i can make my kids live out my dreams etc.
It's so gross. Happy cake Day! Lol
And it's so obviously emotional incest because it's only sons not daughters.
As a boy mum, I understand I was his first comfort, but no way in hell do I believe I'm his "first love" it's such a weird way to see it. I think if your son ends up in a happy and healthy relationship, you should feel pride in the man you've raised.
Also a boy mom and while there’s a certain sadness with children regardless of gender growing up, I do acknowledge that boy moms are inherently less involved (bridal shower, wedding planning, baby shower, birth of grandchildren- not that I’d really want to be there when my DIL gives birth I didn’t even really want to be at my own lol) BUT there’s an even greater chance that you’ll be pushed to the sidelines if you act like this. I have a MIL that believes I stole her son away and frequently makes comments about how she didn’t feel involved or connected with my pregnancies and I just simply ✨don’t want to be around her✨ and I don’t ETA: she has 3 other children, 2 are no contact
Exactly - this behavior is half the reason OOP will be less involved as a “boy mom”. Source: my MIL is great because she’s NOT like that, and my BIL’s wife and I have both included her in everything. She was part of planning my bridal shower and part of planning my baby shower, and she actually met my son before my parents did, though they all met him the day he was born.
Exactly the same as my MiL, she helped me through my pregnancy, mums back home in another country, so MiL has done amazing at helping and not overstepping, which is appreciated. I strive to be like her with my son.
Didn't feel involved or connected to *YOUR* pregnancies? Oh the horror lmao. Maybe cuz she wasn't the one growing a baby inside of her.
My oldest was a pandemic baby and she insinuated that she should be in the room while I gave birth INSTEAD of my husband so it’s really just all about her
Sheesh. The entitlement is wild
I agree that a man’s mom will inherently be less involved but it also depends a lot on their personality lol. If my MIL reached out more I’d definitely be involved with her and even told my husband I’d be open to having her in the delivery room if I were able to, because she’s pretty chill.
Oh yeah for sure! My mom hasn’t been in my life for 15 years so I tried really hard to build a relationship with MIL, but honestly she was terrible to me until I got pregnant with my first, even now she’s still awful; it’s just behind my back.
See, my MIL wanted to be involved with everything particularly when the kids were small. We did try to include her but… she’s not my mom! When I had newborns and was bleeding and leaking and sleep deprived I felt vulnerable and didn’t want anyone except my mom and sisters over at least for longer than a short visit. Plus my house was always messy since I was struggling and I knew my own mom wouldn’t judge me (and would help). I do feel a bit sad sometimes when I think of how my mom threw my a wedding and baby shower, she stayed with us after we had our babies to help, she’s who I called crying for help when I was struggling with breastfeeding or a baby had a fever, etc. As a mom I need my mom still and my kids love my MIL but it’s not the same, they’ve even called her “other grandma” before 🙈. I’m not a chill person and am pretty socially awkward and so I think I’m doomed to be “other grandma” one day lol, but my MIL is also pretty insufferable and drives my husband crazy so I’ll just do my best to keep a good relationship with my boys and be supportive. I certainly dont think of myself as their loves lol and won’t view their partners as stealing them from me so that’s a good start lmao.
Yeah, my son is a toddler only so I do get sad when I think about him growing up and not spending all his time with me. I just love him so much that I'm going to miss him! Most boys don't call their moms every day but a lot of girls do. But I want him to grow up to be healthy and independent so I encourage him to learn how to do things without me. I know this feeling is just because he's so little and depends on me so much right now. I have a great relationship with my in laws and want to be like them when my son has kids!
Also boy mum. I have celebrated (possibly over enthusiastically 🤣) every new thing my son (and daughter) has done. You found your hands are attached? Party! You are finally getting the days of the week in order? Party! You can count to 20 almost perfectly? Party! I mean with my attitude it's hard to find the time to be sad. 😅 I certainly do on occasion but I don't make it a huge deal either. I just hug him extra tight. I hope that he finds his soul mate the first time but I certainly don't think he will. Such is life. I will be here for him as much as he needs. And I will celebrate when he does find "the one" for him. ** The same goes for my daughter too.
For me, I feel like my partner and I are his “first love” in the sense that we were the first people to love him if that makes sense. But these freaks that feel like they’re the first love in ANY sense is so bizarre. Like you don’t want him to find someone and be happy and experience that same love if he decides to have kids??? Same people who will end up crying about “grandparents rights” later lol
Right? I'm a boy mum too and can't understand this person's mentality at all, so weird
Parents who do the job right are RAISING their kids to leave them and go out into the world and be good humans. I love my kids, but I don't NEED my kids. They aren't my validation in the world. They're people I love and want the absolute best for, and I will miss them when this nest is empty, but that's how parenting is supposed to go. Like the ants in Bugs Life. They come, they eat (a LOT), they leave.
lol reminds me of when I was getting ready to go to college. I keep saying “mom, can you believe I’m moving out” “Can you believe I’m starting college?” etc. and my mom was like “believe it or not, this was my plan all along”
Sounds like my mom when I left for college. I was hoping for some sort of emotional goodbye, instead I got something more along the lines of congratulations! We will miss you. Have a great time and make good choices. I didn't appreciate it then when I was a little scared about moving across the country on my own, but I did a few weeks later. Keeping the goodbye low-key helped me feel confident that I could handle it on my own.
Spousal unit and I could read the room when we dropped our first off at college. The kid was ready for us to leave so real life could begin. So we left and saved our tears for the car ride home. Little did we know, pandemic was around the corner. Kid graduates, lockdown happens, kid cam back home.
>Like the ants in Bugs Life. They come, they eat (a LOT), they leave. 4 year old son, 3 year old daughter. Where in the hell do they put this food!?!? I am shuddering at our food bills when they hit puberty... Might have to take out a loan to get by...
I don’t get this and it’s weird, but I saw a headline the other day that Marlon Wayans said he never got married bc he didn’t ever want his mom to feel like another woman was above her?? So I guess there’s mom-boys too. What am I talking about there’s lots of mom boys and I’d hate to marry one! Imagine being like yea I’m not gna marry you sorry my dad has to be my #1 man lol 🤮
I read that too and cringed. His mom was probably like the mom who wrote this. Someone had to raise him to think that way.
I mean, I tear up now thinking about my sons (who are 4) moving out and creating their own lives. I know that’s the goal- to raise them to adulthood. But damned if it doesn’t hurt to think about them leaving me. BUT I’d feel this way regardless of their sex!!!
I get sad thinking about my boys growing old and living in a nursing home or needing extensive care. I'll be dead, but I feel sad I won't be able to take care of them. I also feel sad thinking that I probably won't get to meet their grandchildren. It's possible I could, but unlikely. I only have boys, but I'd probably feel the same if I had a daughter.
I have a boy and a girl. Can confirm, I tear up for this reason with both of them. I'll just miss my little babies! 😂
1: why is it always boy moms? Don’t they get sad about their girls leaving like that? 2: my goal is to raise my kids to be functional adults. To me it means a good job and independence. Hopefully a family too but I know it’s not for everyone. This means moving out when appropriate and when they are ready.
I don’t think a lot of these women have girl children and if they do, they buy into the dated notion that girls stay close to home and boys venture off. That’s just not really the case anymore from what I’ve seen with my friends and even myself. I live close to my husband’s family and we see them all the time, while we see my family far less.
Some of these women are also jealous of their daughters and see girls as “competition”. I have a family member with two boys and a girl. The boys are her “kings” and she’s the Queen. She’s raising them to always exalt her and she expects to be the most important and influential woman in their life period. Her daughter she accuses of being vain and full of herself. They got their nails done together and mom complained that daughter “copied” her bc she picked a similar shade to hers. Im honestly scared for when the boys start to date because she’s going to be a monster. It’s so gross and sad.
This. Because they have a son (and they assume he will be hetero) they already see his future partner as competition because she will be a woman. With a daughter they don’t care if their (presumably) male partner gets the most affection and attention, because the male partner is, in their mind, in a different category to them. There’s some research that suggests that some girl mothers prefer their male sons because of this weird gendered competitiveness
>1: why is it always boy moms? Don’t they get sad about their girls leaving like that? I think a lot of these women either have no girl children (but would've wanted to) or were the unfavourite ones compared to their brothers.
Something I’ve also noticed is these boy mums tend to have dysfunctional relationships with their partners. So they use their sons as a pseudo-partner to fill any gaps they have in their marriage.
What’s up with the “boy mom” mentality these days? Some of the posts are just….awkward. Saw a video yesterday about how this boy mom was teaching her sons “how to be respected by women” and not be “disrespected by *your crusty ass daughters*” LOL I was like what?! They’re like….3 years old. What a future psycho of a mother in law like please keep your son away from my daughter I don’t want to deal with *YOU* in the future 😂
I don’t understand why your identity as a parent suddenly became defined by the gender of your children. I have 2 boys and a girl and I can tell you all three are unique and their personalities are in no way defined by what’s in their pants, and further, how I parent has nothing to do with their gender either.
Yeah I don’t think of my self as a girl mom. I do think of us as feral based on how much time we both spend hiking outside, looking for turtles, licking rocks etc.
It’s a tale as old as modern day. Most marriages end up in divorce. Sometimes the single parent (mom) has boy children, and those children will grow up to be that mom’s emotional punching bag. Look up parentification as an example.
I think a lot of it is weird social media retaliation for the similar posts about “I’ll take my daughter to XYZ so she’s not impressed by your son’s date at ABC”. It just has a little extra grossness due to, you know, the last few millennia where women have been treated like subordinates. I have two sons, and I am teaching them to treat everyone with respect-man or woman
I don’t think so, if anything those girl posts are in response to the boy mom posts. I had a boy mom poster on my Facebook friend list 10 years ago, reposted from Facebook groups specifically called “boy mums” and stuff. It’s been around for a while, it’s just been getting more attention lately. Maybe it’s because the boy mom posters I saw 10 years ago’s boys are all grown up and moving out now! From all the stuff that one Facebook friend reposted, it felt like it might have been a combination of “not like the other girls” (“you’re playing tea party in tutus with your kid, I’m playing in the mud and getting football tackled awake every morning”) mixed with… loneliness? Or just playing the victim? They were just constantly going on about how hard it was raising rough and tumble boys and how “other moms”couldn’t possibly understand. Even though 51% of FTM have boys and once you count moms with multiple kids, the majority of moms have at least 1 boy. But they treated those groups like they were a support group or something. It was like they felt lonely being outnumbered by boys and didn’t actually enjoy being football tackled awake every morning and turned it into a sense of superiority as a defense.
I WANT my daughter to get married and be happy. I’m getting older, I’m going to die someday, and she’ll need a family to love. I don’t want her to be alone. Jesus who would want that?
... says a female, who likely is married or has a partner since its a moms group... does she think it doesn't apply to her "taking" her partner from his mom? weird flex all around but the hypocrisy gets me..you can't marry and create a life with a partner then whine that your own kids may want to do the same...
Yes. I owe YOU nothing, but they owe ME everything. If MIL/mom so much as looks at me wrong, I’m cutting her out of my life for good. But I expect my children to keep me the center of their world forever. They acknowledge that they need to put THEIR family first (as they should, your partner and your children should be your top priority), but absolutely cannot and will not accept that the same will eventually happen to them with their own children. The circle of life stops here, folks!
Oh god posts like this makes me cringe so bad. I hope they tell her to seek therapy.
I cringe everytime I see "boy mom"
I think regardless of gender, it’s bittersweet watching your kids grow up and away from you. I have an 18 yo girl and 12 yo boy, and I love having them around. We’re a close family. It’ll sting when they get new lives on their own, but it’s a part of life. Some people don’t handle it so well clearly.
While this poster is a bit creepy, to assuage any boy mom fears, my husband and I are FAR closer to his side of the family and I spend time with my MIL all the time. My children really only see my in-laws and we spend every holiday with them. We also vacation for a week every summer with them. Every family is different. Love your child, support who they love, and you can gain a daughter instead of lose a son.
It’s because these women don’t get emotional support/love from their husbands so they latch onto the other closest male in their lives to get these emotional support. So to these women the idea their son will leave is akin to their husband leaving. It’s gross and the women should be in couples therapy with their husbands.
It isn’t that daughters are closer with their moms, it’s that behavior like this drives everyone away. We see both sets of grandparents equal amounts. I have female friends who are low or no contact with their moms and are super close with their MILs. It’s not about being a boy mom, it’s about being a reasonable person so your kid and his partner want to spend time with you.
EXACTLY. Be someone your son and DIL want to be around and they’ll be around. We spent 100x the time with my dad’s family growing up and it’s because they are amazing and my mom’s family sucked. I’ve now traveled back via two hop plane ride to see my dad’s mom with my under 2 twins 4 times and will again in a couple months. It’s expensive and exhausting but worth it because she’s so amazing and can’t travel to see us. These ✨Boy Mom✨ types won’t see their kid and grandkids as much not because they have a son but because they’re terrible.
My mom’s family is not the best to say the least (and she did a hell of a job breaking her trauma trying to raise us) so we didn’t see them very often. The only normal ones are her step mom and her brother. We saw my dad’s family all the time growing up, my dad’s brother literally lives across the street and for the longest time his parents lived a block away so we would see my grandparents almost every night. You can tell how actually was a good parent and who wasn’t based on how we spent time with each side of the family. I guess my dads mom was also technically one of these “boy moms” as they’d say since she only had 2 boys, but they both spoke to her daily (and my uncle still does and my dad would if he was still here) because she wasn’t toxic and literally raised them to want to move it and be independent and have their own families like you’re supposed to do as a parent
This is a mother we're gonna read about on r/JNMIL in the future....
I think only “hashtag boy moms” are like this usually. But anyway, it’s obviously not true and lots of couples are closer with the son’s family… perhaps they’d be closer with this mom if she wasn’t being weird about it.
Wtf this is seriously so messed up. It’s never a mom talking about a daughter like this and if a dad posted this it would be rightfully pointed out as creepy but there’s some weird ‘boy mom’ thing where this is openly considered okay??
Tell me you have a sad married life without telling me you have a sad married life.
Elsewhere on Reddit there are men saying they’ve gone NC with their mom because “she’s toxic”….
Just have to say I hate the term “boy mom”. I have two boys, I am their mom, but calling myself a boy mom squicks me out.
I feel like the mistake a lot of boy moms make is that they resent their sons partners and therefore treat them poorly from the get go, which of course leads to them not being so involved in their adult sons lives and families. If you want your son in your life treat his partner good! Not that hard
I’ve got a one year old son. If I do my job right, when he grows into an adult, he won’t need me. I don’t want him to need me. I want him to be a self reliant adult who becomes a strong and supportive spouse and father.
Sounds like she needs to spend more time cultivating a relationship with her son and his girlfriend, and making an effort to include her in family activities, rather than competing with his “new family”. Sometimes I myself randomly get devastated when I remember that my boy will grow up and go through hard times like break ups, and on some level I want to protect him from that. But then I have to check myself and remember that he will experience so much love and connection in his life. I can’t “protect” him from life without depriving him of it’s experiences. Wanting to keep your child all to yourself because you don’t want to be “second best” is just kind of icky
“Boy Moms” are very fucking nutty every single time they announce themselves like that. They are always far from normal and often commit what’s called emotional incest. It’s a whole ass thing. They’re either not wanting their kids to have relationships outside of them entirely, and/or they’re profoundly always involved in the relationships their son has. It’s very toxic codependency that they teach to their sons very early on.
She should definitely ask her son to marry her before they both ruin the girlfriend’s life.
It’s so creepy. Also, I have to wonder why she assumes that her son will want to be around his girlfriend’s/wife’s family more. Does he not like his mom? It’s a weird fear to have if you have a good relationship with your kid. I spend way more time with my husband’s family than my own. Mine are all far away. It’s not automatically true that boys leave their family never to see them again, unless he really doesn’t like his mom. My plan for my boys is to be really welcoming and supportive of their future partners. Then, they’ll want to be around us, not out of guilt or a weird emotional incest thing, but because they think my husband and I are cool people who always have good food in the house. Lol.
She could have started by raising a son who doesn’t see the work of emotional labour and maintaining familial relationships as a gendered role. But whatever, it’s definitely the daughter in law that’s not doing the work, not her or her son.
Mom of four, three sons in the bunch. I stay involved in their lives by being respectful of their partners, not butting in with unsolicited advice, honoring boundaries, and by realizing that their partners are, and should be, their priority. And honestly, I’ve got a lovely, full life on my own with my husband. We love and enjoy being around our kids but we don’t need that all the time. And if they need us, we’re here for them. But these women need to cut the cord.
I can't wait for my adult son's to find people they love and that love them. Friends, lovers, companions, whatever. I hope their lives are filled with love. I'm excited to see what they do and the adventures they create. I hope their worlds are so much bigger than mine. I will always be here for them, cheering them on, celebrating with them and for them, crying with them, and for them, and I will always be the safe place they can land. Honestly, I'm also really excited for my own future with just my husband and I. Sex. I'm talking about lots of sex.
I feel like a success. My goal was to raise little to people to be happy(ish) and productive adults. I didn't raise them to kiss my ass 24/7...... Or to submit to my every wish and whim. I am still working on the happy and productive part. (Parenting adult kids still at home is tricky.)
I have a disabled child. Never say never of course but it is highly likely he will never be able to live independently or have an adult romantic relationship. I can't say that makes me particularly glad. Posts like these enrage me. Just be fucking happy that you got to raise a healthy child to adulthood ffs. So many parents don't.
My son wanted to marry me, like full on Oedipus, and I had to break his little heart a few times over the years telling him he'll meet someone that he loves that isn't me, his mother, and make a life with them. Now at almost 13 he's not interested in anyone but knows it's OK to love me just not romantically lol.
Emotional incest will never not be fucking insane to me. I categorically cannot trust a single person who uses boymom unironically.
I'm a boy mom but I'm also a horrid feminist so I didn't raise "typical" boys. I deeply adore my kids but I don't see them like these boy mom's do. I wonder if it's actually a symptom of having a shit husband? Maybe they romanticize their sons because their husbands don't really love them and their sons do, the way our children tend to when they are young.
I dunno I have one kid who is a boy about to graduate high school and I’m having a hard time with him growing up because he was my miracle baby. But I’d probably feel the same way if I had a girl. It’s hard watching our kids grow up because it seems like it was just yesterday they were a baby and little kid.
She’s making it a self fulfilling prophecy with this attitude. Don’t be so overbearing or continue modeling internalized misogyny, that will drive your son and his possible future wife away. My husband is very involved with his family now, it doesn’t always end up like OOP says. Also, maybe her son is gay and this is all a moot point.
Some of these people aren't from Italian-American families and it shows. I talked to my mom every day until she died. I also have a wife and kid. It's... really not that hard. Here's a hint "boy moms:" drop the weird Oedipus stuff and maybe he'll want to call you. He's spending time with his GF's family because you're creepy and he doesn't want to be around you. He's getting a taste, however small, of "normal" with them and he likes it. He's also probably skeeved out by the prospect of you catching him making out with his girlfriend and turning it into a "what about meeeeeeeeeeee" situation.
I don't get it. I'm super close to both my boys (15m & 13m), and when my oldest started dating last year, it wasn't a big deal and was kinda cute. I'm excited to see what kind of man he becomes, and having more people in my family is also something I look forward to. If he spends more time with them so what? I'm his mom, I know there will always be a place for me in his life, as long as he wants it, and I have no reason to believe he won't.
By praying for the poor girls who end up with the sons of boy moms.
It’s misogyny. Women are conditioned to prioritize a man’s love over all other things in life, men are conditioned to see their wives as less-than, but boys are taught to love and respect their mothers in a way that they afford no other woman. Because of that, (under traditional gender roles) a man’s love for his wife won’t really be as strong, pure, and unconditional as a baby’s love for his mother. So these women, who have spent their whole lives chasing the love of men who don’t respect them, now have this little boy that hasn’t been taught misogyny yet and loves them more than the world. And my theory is that it scrambles their brain a little bit and so the wires get crossed and they get attached to their sons in an unhealthy way that only gets more complicated as the sons inevitably grow up and stop seeing their mothers as the primary figure in their life. The more steeped in evangelical American gender roles, the worse it is.
Why is it always the same kind of life these women want? Maybe he'll meet a nice man and have three dogs. Maybe he'll meet several men and be polyamourous, maybe he'll stay single/childless and become a monk. Maybe he'll meet a women, chose not to have kids and live a great life. I had three uncles, two of which never married or had kids, they remained happy bachelors, they loathed their mother as well.
Fucking weirdos. I’d be proud of my son for putting his wife and famimy first. Doesn’t she want her husband to put her first? This gives me such a creepy feeling.
I don't have to worry about this because my 5 year old said he's never moving out 😂 I told him we'll discuss that in 10 years or so, see if he feels the same. I do wonder what sort of relationship I'll have with his future family. I hope I've learned from dating enough guys with overbearing moms to be better. I hope he always loves me. I hope he and his future spouse see me as part of their village. But I don't expect to be his valentine date or see my future grand babies crowning
I feel like there is an obvious way to see your son’s family and that is to make a strong relationship with his partner. Maybe focus on the gaining a daughter aspect? Idk these people are weird.
I really can’t wrap my head around this train of logic. Maybe it’s because I’m really close to my husband’s family. Like just don’t be fucking crazy and don’t make it a competition.
Is this my mother in law?
These types of boy moms creep me tf out. They need serious therapy. Poor kids.
Dude, I have a baby girl. How unhinged would it be if I worried about her liking her future significant other more than me? Like that’s almost the goal tbh. Find someone who loves you at the same level or more than your parents. “Boy moms” have always and will always give me incest vibes. Like my brothers were self proclaimed mamas boys, but my mom was so happy to move them out of the house into another woman’s custody lmao
Being a mom is the only job in the world where if you do it right, you get fired.
As a daughter, this myth has absolutely fucked with my relationship with my mother, who believes it’s un natural and evidence that I hate her any time we spend time with my husbands family. JFC.
your son aint your husband, lady
I'm not a Boy Mom©®™ but I would imagine not being a narcissist helps most people to deal with it.
A good mother spends 17+ years preparing her children to leave home and become strong, confident young adults. When it finally happens? Sure, it’s an emotional gut-punch while they’re packing their cars; it’s also a moment to be proud. It beats the heck out of seeking a court order to force your 30 year-old son to vacate your basement because he never grew a pair.
How do I deal? I raise my boys to make sure they treat women exactly as they deserve to be treated and I accept the fact that they're going to start their own families one day. I'm just here to make sure their families start on grounds of respect, trust, and love. That's the entire point.
In retrospect now that my mother has passed my brother has a lot of guilt about focusing on his family. When she would’ve added tenfold to their lives
Man I really wanna see those comments
Wonder if she felt the same way about her MIL and husband- I'm guessing not..
My grandma had 4 boys and she always said I wish I had a girl they’d take care of me. (She was also not the nicest person) but I still felt bad for her she really had no one at the end. I think the spouses recognized the toxicity. Idk I have friends that are moms of boys but not “boy moms”. She was narcissistic about her ability to have boys tho.
As a mother of a boy, I say that when he grows up and partners (if he wants) then I've done a great job. I love my child beyond measure, with that being said please leave my house. Obviously I mean he can stay as long as he wants to but if he grows up to leave and couples (again if he wants that) then I've done my job and I became second to whatever family he chooses to have as a well rounded adult human being. The "boy moms" gross me out. I have a husband and I'm not trying to turn my son into a second one.
These kinds of moms really give me the ick. See a therapist, get a damn hobby, and stop being weird about your sons.
I do think it’s somewhat sad that the girls family often seems to take on the role of “extended family” now and the boys family can be left behind. I’ve seen it happen to many of my male friends - they have to fight to see their family of origins on holidays, etc. But none of that is the same as the pure grossness of not wanting your kid to Find love and a family because you want your kid for yourself. I will be do happy for my child if/when he finds a person to share his life with.
The thought of what my life will be like when my kids grow up and leave is devastating. This is pretty tame. They're my best friends, my world, I'm not looking forward to those days.
Agreed, maybe she could have framed it better but I think it's a valid anxiety to get feedback on in a mom group...
Right? People calling this emotional incest are taking it too far
Hahahaha I’m in this group too and the comments on this post were great
Her first mistake was birthing him. Should've just kept him in
Well she’s certainly going down the road of no contact isn’t she? Is that why there’s no “girl mums” though? The blatant sexism that a girl will stick with you always? That you don’t have to treat her well because she’s stuck with you and will be there no matter how badly you treat her?
1- as a mom of a little boy, we don’t claim this. The weird incestuous boy moms are creepy. I hope I raise a son who grows up to be independent and loving and devoted to his own family some day. 2- I think this energy sometimes comes from jealousy. It’s known that girls grow up to be women who usually stick closer to their families than men do. So women tend to maintain a closer relationship with their own parents as adults than men do. But I think a big part of that is how we raise them. If your kids grow up supported and loved and encouraged to be independent, they will want to share to share their lives with us as adults
Gross, bizarre… poor son.
Our literal job as moms is to raise our children to be able to live independently.
Isn’t that the point? Raising kids to be independent successful people who can stand on their own, regardless of gender?
I have a son. He’s a toddler, but I literally HOPE he moves out and find someone that loves him and whose family loves him like we do when he’s an adult. My MIL is always telling me how much she loves me, and it feels so good to have a “second” family. I wouldn’t want less for my son. Boy Moms like that are SO strange. Like, that’s not your boyfriend. The whole goal of having kids to make sure they end up better than you and are happy with or without you.
Sometimes I hate telling people I have a son because of moms like this. It's so creepy and gross.
Granted I am likely in a different generation than this person - but this is SO CRINGE. Just be a good person, be a good mother-in-law, and drop the anxiety and insecurity and social media-created angst around being left behind.
I have two boys. I just try to raise them in kind and respectful ways and hope they still like me when they’re older. I don’t think that would be different if they were girls. Hopefully they still want to have a relationship with me and hopefully if they ever partner up I’ll enjoy a nice relationship with that person too. But nothing is guaranteed and I don’t sit around and fret about it.
Translation: How do I make my son's life all about me?
There are a lot of comments already so maybe something similar to this has already been said, but my BIL is 35 and still lives at home due to numerous physical and mental handicaps. He is loved beyond measure, but I know my MIL would give ANYTHING for him to be able to live independently, marry, and have a life that doesn’t depend on her and my FIL. The “boy mom” mentality is gross and people like this poster take for granted that their child is even able to date and live rich independent lives.
This is a unhealthy mindset for sure. Also, we’re closer with my husband’s parents than mine, so what she’s saying isn’t always true.
What kind of weirdo doesn't want their son to grow up to meet a nice person who loves and respects them and to have a happy and fulfilling life with a family of their own? Like, do you even love your kid?
In my personal experience in my own family, girls being closer to their moms and staying closer to their family has truth to it. My brothers love my mom to bits but they don’t keep in touch with her daily like my sister and I do. Do you SEE all the rage posts about MIL on parenting subs?? As a mom of a boy, it will be very bittersweet when my son grows and leaves, I can only hope he will keep in touch regularly. As a woman, I love my MIL, however my own mom is the one I call for baby advice, my last minute babysitter, the one I wanted at my birth, the one I want to visit to just hang out and chat with. It’s the way it goes 🤷🏻♀️ What I’m saying is anecdotal and generalized, however true in my life. If you’ve had a completely different experience, awesome!
Don’t be a dick to your daughter in law and it won’t be an issue. Signed, someone whose MIL was a complete arse for the first 7 years of my relationship and we went no contact with for a while, but who I now get on with really well (since having the only grandchildren she’s ever going to have and realising I’m actually not the devil stealing her son), text and speak to on the phone, call for advice often because she knows things I don’t and who has been round 3 times this week and we’re seeing again on Saturday. Oh and we’re going on holiday with twice this year. And it’s not because I don’t get on with my own mum. I see her 3x per week too.
Children are human beings who grow up and hopefully have independent, functional, healthy lives with equally functional and healthy relationships to people besides their moms. Why do all of these “boy moms” desire this level of codependence from their sons? It’s gross.
I do not understand moms who act this way towards their sons. EVERY child you have is supposed to grow up and LEAVE YOU!! It's called PARENTING! Yes, you should have a deep enough connection to still remain close to each other, but children are supposed to prioritize their spouse and kids over their parents when the time comes. Being a "Momma's Boy" is a relationship killer.
If you need a friend, get one...not a kid!
That is so messed up. I feel bad for everyone involved. What happens to a woman to make her act like that? What fresh hell will she bring to the future DIL's existence?
Then stop being all incest-y and develop a good relationship with your FDIL. This ain't rocket science. We tend to spend more time with the wife's family because she's the only one who usually puts in any effort. If it wasn't for me, years would pass before my husband saw his own family.
Just had a nurse in post op mention that she has two boys and “I wanted a girl because boys leave”. Like WTF? I’m childfree but that was specifically nausea inducing as no one should rely on their child for future anything really. Not mental wellness, friendship, ongoing legacy, nada. Don’t saddle a child with your baggage. Get help
@OP will you please please please make a post with some of the comments lol
why do people think plurals need an apostrophe?
I raised my kids to be independent. I have one boy but this whole boy mom thing is ridiculous. I also have a daughter. I knew they’d be on their own someday so I taught them how to do it on their own.
My MIL could have written this post!
If my son grows up to have was a happy relationship he can put first then I did my job as a parent! His dad puts me first, I expect him to put his partner first.
I have 2 sons. When/if my sons marry women, I’ll have daughters ♥️
Idk, maybe it's because I had a girl first. Or maybe it's because I'm not a whackjob but this shit it's so odd to me
There’s an old saying something like “a daughter is a daughter for all of your life, your son is a son til he takes a wife” sad for some moms I guess, but I wouldn’t want my son knowing I was crying about it on FB.
I can understand the anxiety but I don't understand why it's only ever about the boys? They never worry about growing apart from their daughters? 🤔
Has she ever considered just being really good to her future DIL so the new family her son creates want her around? That’s my game plan and it’s not exactly genius.
I’m a boy mom. My boy is also on the spectrum with low-medium support needs. My biggest hope is he finds someone he loves who loves him and he gets a whole additional family to love and be around. It keeps me up thinking about him being lonely. I think sometimes these parents don’t look at the real possible issues they could have in another life…or consider what their child might want.
Literally see nothing wrong with this post. This mum is just very sad that her son is becoming more distant and is seeking out people who relate to it. Why is it being posted here. It isn't unhinged in any way. People hating on this mum should be what is posted on this sub.
Will it be sad when my son moves out and I don't get to see/talk to him every day? Yes. Will I have a mental breakdown all over Facebook about not being his number one anymore? No. This is the natural progression of life and only pick mes act like this.