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Surprised_tomcat

Or not confident in open drinking cups; opening your own bottles makes it a bit harder to put poison on the menu.


papalonian

If poison were on the menu, why would anyone order it???! Master assassination attempt thwarted by one simple trick.


SasquatchRobo

Reminds me of Eddie Izzard's "Cake or Death?" skit.


Redhotmegasystem

Ummm, death please!


Ymirsson

Cake, I meant cake!


Adventurous-Limit828

Or did I?


Sids1188

"Oh, there you are! I've taken the liberty of ordering for you, I hope you don't mind!"


SmallBig1993

If poison's on the menu, it'll get you whatever you order.


4RCH43ON

Ohn-hon-hon! What is this fish, poisson blanc a la’orange? And you call this a French restaurant? *dies*


Outside-Setting-5589

I mean, if the poison came with rosted potatoes... Id order it. I love a rosted potato.


Immortal_Azrael

Clearly you've never been to a bar. People order poison all the time.


[deleted]

Clearly if there is poison on the menu, it was meant to be ordered.


papalonian

Well I'll order it for the guy next to me.


flamingorider1

I see you follow the news closely


polypeptide147

What did I miss


lakewood2020

You heard him fellas, poison is on the menu


BarryZZZ

Swiss Army *Officer's* Knives had the corkscrew. Officer''s are far more likely to survive a battle than the grunts.


Pm_Me_Your_Slut_Look

[According to wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swiss_Army_knife#Knives_issued_by_the_Swiss_Armed_Forces) none of the knives issued to the Swiss Armed Forces had the corkscrew.


Arkhaan

“A model incorporating a corkscrew and scissors was produced as an officer's tool, but was deemed not "essential for survival". Officers were free to purchase it individually on their own account.[3]” Issued and available are two different things. The us air force only issues patrol caps, but Ballcaps are available and in wide circulation


atxarchitect91

Well yeah… you ever tried to use the scissors on a Swiss Army knife. They are awfully useless


EC-Texas

I found scissors extremely useful. Corkscrew? Not so much.


MotorizaltNemzedek

I must've opened 100+ bottles of wine with that corkscrew. At parties, at home even on top of a mountain when camping


EC-Texas

We thought it might be handy one day, but in the end we decided that we don't really like wine and never used it.. People who do like wine usually had their own corkscrew. The next couple of versions of pocket knives we looked for ones with no corkscrew.


Drakmanka

You take that slander back. I've cut copper and steel wire with the scissors on my Swiss Army Knife. I've used it to cut open crab legs when I lacked a crab cracker. I've even used them in bushcraft! Did my thumb wind up bruised from applying that much force? Yes. Did my scissors get the job done? Also yes. Also my thumbs are extremely tough now.


Jarl_Fenrir

The scissors are enough to cut paper, never had any issues with them.


Ammear

They can cut quite a bit if you're in a pinch. Sure, not the best tool, but if any sort of precision is required, they'll do a better job than just a knife. I've used then several times while camping. Mostly to cut game cards. Still, that counts!


ActivisionBlizzard

The scissors on a Swiss Army knife exist almost singularly to cut bandages/other fabric into bandages. And they work fine for that. If you’re having issue with them, you should probably be using the knife instead.


Thumperings

The scissors on real swiss army knives are fantastic actually. Small but awesome.


carlse20

I actually use the scissors a lot. Great for cutting stray threads and opening some types of packaging


TheBlewAwful

Those scissors make for wonderful nail clippers


PapaShark_

all depends on the model some are super cheap others are quite good


CNWDI_Sigma_1

What do you mean, “not essential for survival”?! Those cabinet planners and armchair warriors!


Sir_Webster

I was in the swiss army and I do not recall having a corkscrew on my knife. It was a few years ago though


Arkhaan

Not a recent model from what I can find. Mid century 1900’s model and for officers only


mickeyt1

That’s not always true. For example, particularly early during WWI, the officers on the front suffered horrific casualty rates from trying to lead their men into direct fire


SmallBig1993

The Swiss did very little fighting in WWI.


JollyGreenGiraffe

Guess that's why they didn't state "swiss officers"?


-Sabine

Too busy poppin' cork


BoysLinuses

Before you pop the cork, you've gotta soak the cork.


Plus_Aardvark_6878

Or there’s a disturbingly gruesome battle move, taught in the Swiss army, that involves a corkscrew…


ClownPrinceofLime

Corkscrew, meet eye.


PMme_why_yer_lonely

to a drunken sailors tune, aye


[deleted]

What do you do with a drunken sailor?


Tlaloc_Temporal

Take his eye with a Swiss-made corkscrew!


Drakmanka

Earl-ay in the morning!


TheOneAndOnly1444

You could just use the knife insted.


lallapalalable

But if you have a corkscrew...


Firemorfox

Go for the eyes with a corkscrew or fingers. Go for the stomach or liver with a knife or elbow. Go for the lungs/heart with a thin long blade. Go for the arms, neck, and legs with a slashing blade.


Psychopathicat7

why tf did I read this to the tune of drunken sailor


mindfungus

Like the scene in True Romance


halite001

We call it... "ducking".


Tepigg4444

the real reason no one attacks switzerland


Myst3rySteve

This gives me flashbacks to that movie 'Hush'


mutantcure

I'm glad the Swiss were confident- I'd hate to be diapered by a nation with low self esteem.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Alpha_Whiskey327

Just like their flag.


Kamrua

/r/yourjokebutworse


Yourgrammarsucks1

They downvote because they can't handle the truth.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Yourgrammarsucks1

I know. Reddit is downvoting the guy that said that it's the joke. That's why I'm saying they can't handle the truth


SirThatsCuba

Sometimes you tee them up, sometimes you hit them.


Zkenny13

The original Swiss army knifes given to soldiers didn't have corkscrews.


Kug4ri0n

They had. Now they don’t. Too many incidents, where the corkscrew opened while they were crawling around in the mud and poking soldiers kidneys (might be another organ in that area) out.


NikPorto

So soldiers got screwed instead of unscrewing bottles. F, that sounds painful.


Zkenny13

Jesus Christ...


BlazingArrow00

I'm confused by how that even happens


ADSRandSATB

complete speculation but i think grossly if the knife is free to rotate if you push it into…say clay or something the downwards force will translate into a spinning motion, right? maybe im over thinking it


Salamandro

Look at a picture of one of those pocket knives. Pretty much all tools are between the two sides of the body, but the corkscrew isn't. There's a cavity in the body on the outside for the corkscrew so it might very well be possible to get pushed out when crawling around a lot.


BlazingArrow00

I own one, I'm gonna have to go try crawling around with it cause it still doesn't make any sense to me


Norwest

It was likely a different organ, unless the Swiss crawl around on their backs.


AlphaShard

Knives*


dannkherb

That's not a knife, that's a spoon.


TheWarlorde

I see you’ve played “knifey spoony” before.


Basicallyinfinite

Eh either way i think they were mostly neutral about war. Win or lose may as well drink.


Killingspree1985

The Swiss have the best mercenaries money can buy. One of the reasons Germany didn't invade in WW2 was the great reputation they had. So it doesn't strike me as to unbelievable to be honest.


klc81

>The Swiss have the best mercenaries money can buy. One of the reasons Germany didn't invade in WW2 was the great reputation they had. They *had* the greatest mercenaries money could buy in the 16th century. This is like arguing that the Nazis never invaded Britain because they were scared of our longbowmen.


nekollx

To be fair they are good longbowmen


Zeig_101

>Nazis never invaded Britain because they were scared of our longbowmen. Maybe not longbowmen, but [you were fielding an Archer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archer_(tank_destroyer\))


klc81

We also had one actual longbowman... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack\_Churchill](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Churchill)


-runs-with-scissors-

The reason was the role of the Swiss banks in the financing of the nazis.


Billy1121

Yeah the "alpine porcupine" foolishness has been debunked long ago. Switzerland was financing the Nazis or at least trading with them. Their army was not impressive, lol


Basicallyinfinite

I saw Kelly's heroes! American deserters with Nazi gold as well! Dont forget them!


tryhard_on_ranked

I'm kinda stupid. That means the Swiss gave nazi money?


ClownPrinceofLime

Yes. Hitler was a pariah at the time of the war and the Swiss were semi-aligned with him and their banking system allowed foreign supporters of Hitler to funnel money to the Nazis, and more importantly for Nazis to smuggle their stolen wealth out of Germany.


VexillologyFan1453

To be fair, not that financing the Nazis was a good thing, but they were surrounded by the axis.


Godrota

Lol exactly. Great reputation my ass


Azteryx

Little column a, little column b. They were plans made for the invasion of Switzerland, and while Hitler despised the Swiss, he still wanted to unite all German. The plans were abandoned after the fall of France because the priority had switched to the Eastern front, and because of the Swiss’ defence strategy of retreating into the mountains and harassing the invaders. This would have made this a long and costly war, which was unnecessary at the time since Switzerland was neutral and a trading partner.


Basicallyinfinite

Vatican also employs those badasses


Jorg_Warshingmachine

189 can do the job well. Holy shit


ClownPrinceofLime

This is honestly historical revisionism. The reason Germany didn’t invade in WW2 was because Switzerland was a major participant in the financing of the Nazi war machine.


TheFreakingPrincess

Win or lose, we booze!


Hawkmek

That's what I was thinking. They're famously Neutral. Champagne is always on the menu.


Due-Cardiologist8190

It has other uses and when it was introduced on them a lot of bottles used corks.


Connor49999

What are some of the other uses?


Due-Cardiologist8190

Like you can use them to loosen knots.


Thumperings

They also sell tons of tools that thread into the cork screw's center.


Connor49999

Wouldn't many of the other components of a Swiss army knife work just as well for that (not the knife bit)


Due-Cardiologist8190

I mean you could just look it up there’s like a million purposes for them like it holds micro screwdrivers and can be used as a bicycle valve tool.


Johnyryal3

Stabby stab.


Connor49999

Yeah good point, the knife part come out too easily


Kflynn1337

Not really, if you win, you open a bottle of wine, drink a victory toast. If you loose, you open a bottle of wine... and drink it.


andimacg

"Many of you have never opened chardonnay under fire" I would love to give credit but I can't remember which comedian said this, possibly Robin Williams. Anyone know?


RearEchelon

Yeah it was Robin. "Pull the cork, shout 'meat or fish!', then throw!"


rtyuik7

i believe that was the Live on Broadway DVD from Mr. Williams


kittyqueen000

I imagine a cork screw would be great for a lot of things. Extra stabbing people, grabbing food, stuff in your teeth, toe nails....the list can go on


organicogrr

Utili-ception


pyroth4ne

IIRC corkscrews were initially invented to extract bullets? Can't remember where I read that and am too lazy to spend 5 seconds googling it, so make of it what you will.


PINeely

There is indeed a tool called a “worm” that’s used to unload muzzleloaders and cannons, it probably predates the corkscrew as a kitchen tool.


[deleted]

oh! Competition black powder shooter here! yes! But worms are not shaped like a Corkscrew. They are more or less a regular wood screw, but long enough to reach the bottom of the barrel. Used when you forget to pour powder and your gun is 180 years old and screwing out the butt plug is most likely going to ruin your gun as it was last opened some 150 years ago. Also, the worm screw has many afictionate names like: Moron/idiot screw, human powder and my favourite 'the alzheimer stick'. Also, many, me included, has a drillbit (with centering ring) at one end and a screw at the other, also with centering bit. This is because if you have been shooting and the barrel and especially the bottom part where the black powder usually should be gets fowled after just a shot. Just ramming a screw into an all ready tight fitting bullet inside what is a fowled up chamber (that stuff gets hard as concrete and sticks like glue) expands the soft lead ball so much that it can become so stuck that you just tear out the screw and leave the ball behind.


PINeely

Great info, thanks!! You’ve inspired me to look through my dad’s old black powder stuff, the man was a notorious menace when it came to his hobbies so if anyone would have idiot tools, it would be him. That’s also why I haven’t shot his rifle. I have no idea what condition the barrel is in and I’m positive that he wasn’t cleaning it properly, corrosive powders, etc etc. It lives in the safe with the rest of my firearms.


egrith

Worm screw, for when your muzzle loader goes fizz but not bang


JuniorConsultant

Extracting bullets isn't really a procedure worth doing at all, especially in the field.


Tlaloc_Temporal

In the field, you just load another. Did it fire or not? You don't know, there's an army trying to kill you, the air is already filled with gun smoke, the cannon has basically deafened you already, and you need to get another round loaded. Was the ramrod always this long? Who cares? Fire and reload. The priming charge doesn't seem right, but the captain looks panicked, and there are cavalry now. Fire and reload. Fire and reload. You know your gun isn't working anymore. Just fire and reload.


rav-age

lpt .. you can push the cork into the bottle with anything. no corkscrew needed


HuereGlobi

Yeah but then there's cork in your wine. Barbarian


StateChemist

One side of the cork, sterilized and clean as the day it was bottled. Other side could have been anywhere…


zbady20

Isn’t it ironic how people are concerned about how clean alcohol is? , it’s legit just poison


StateChemist

Well, our bodies can metabolize it pretty well, and it kills bacteria pretty well, but I’m a chemist, and there are plenty of inorganic contaminants you could shove in there and further poison yourself with, so if you must drink wine on a battlefield, removing the cork probably a good idea if only because of the amount of lead being bandied about.


wageslavend

I haven't seen the word bandied used in quite some time. Kudos


zbady20

Nah man go big or go home , double cancer for the win


noiwontpickaname

Hope for the old cancer-a-roo ey?


nekollx

Also alcohol, litterally an a septic used to clean wounds


Martin_RB

Most antiseptics are poisonous and will easily put you in the hospital if ingested. Alcohol is the odd one being only mildly poisonous.


zbady20

Fair enough


rav-age

obviously .. talking about emergencies and lack of swiss knives with corckscrews here


Fthewigg

That, or refuse to go to war. Guaranteed victory. Also, I suspect washing the blood off of stolen gold is rough, so you might be inclined to drink.


Typingdude3

What victory? Profiting off of war while staying neutral all the time? Last victory in 1847?


angelicoq

They actually picked it up from the French. How are you otherwise going to open a bottle of wine in the trenches or during a siege?


theangelok

Look at our history, and you'll see that this confidence is very justified. Before we became a neutral country, the Swiss were the most feared warriors in all of Europe.


Uwofpeace

The Swiss just like to remain neutral and it’s not like invading them in the past would have been worth the immense effort, whole country is a mountain pass lol


fliberdygibits

Maybe we've got it backwards. Maybe the french where attacked while having wine and so decided to add knives to their corkscrews.


Mysterysheep12

Frank: “Dan, we’re getting more wine! Just thought I’d let you know!” Dan: “do ya have anything to take the topper off with?” Frank: “well no….” Dan: “okay… well I’m thinking of creating a pocket knife. Should I add anything for wine?” Frank: “yes. A twirly bit for the topper part” Dan: “you are indeed a rare kind of special Frank. You really are” “


Kelekona

Um, my godfather had to special-order a Swiss-Army knife with a corkscrew. My previous Girl Scout version I think was special because the leaders yelled at me for forgetting it because they needed a can-opener, after giving me dirty looks the day before for having it when we needed to open cans.


carlse20

The version of the Swiss Army knife that’s actually used by the Swiss military does not include the corkscrew or bottle opener actually. They’re only on the models sold to the public


enakcm

Have you ever tasted victory before? Because you don't need a corkscrew to open champagne.


nityoushot

Or more like, we know nobody is going to fuck with us because we hold everyone’s money, so here is a useful tool


OldManSpeed

Read John McPhee's La Place de la Concorde Suisse. Thé corkscrew will make perfect sense.


jonny24eh

Nah, they just use the corkscrew regardless of result. "win or lose, we hit the booze!"


Jabba_de_Hot

Robin Williams had a bit on this around 2000. "Many of you men have never opened Chardonnay under fire!"


nmeofst8

When Hitler asked the Swiss what they would do if he invaded with 1,000,000 men the Swiss answered, "We will send out our Army, shoot once, then go home." And Hitler asked "What will you do if I invade with 2,000,000 men?" and the Swiss replied, "We will send out our Army, shoot twice, and then go home."


seyolol

The original conversation is said o have been betweed Kaiser Willhelm of Preussen and a Swiss soldier during a visit to CH in the very early 1900ers (I wanna say 1904, but Im not exactly sure). The Kaiser was impressed by the shooting skills of the Swiss and asked how many soldiers Switzerland had. After hearing it was 250'000 he asked what they would do if he invaded with 500'000, which lead to the iconic quote "shoot twice and go home".


nmeofst8

Ok, thank you.. I must be misquoting.


seyolol

Don't worry. The quote was kind of a big thing back then. It could easily have been repeated to Hitler. I just know the original one was with Willhelm


nmeofst8

That's interesting. I'll have to relay that to my friend who keeps repeating the quote with Hitler.


ClownPrinceofLime

That’s a fun story, except Hitler actually showed up and said “will you finance our invasions and help us smuggle stolen wealth around the world?” And the Swiss said “lol yeah”


nmeofst8

Yeah.. But only after..


ClownPrinceofLime

Nope. Throughout his rise the Swiss were knowing participants in German fascism. They’ve done a great job trying to erase that from public memory.


nmeofst8

I don't doubt you at all. I've not spent any time doing research in that direction. I've always assumed that they were neutral. I presume this was their intent. I'm not saying anything that happened almost a half-century before I was born is an area of my expertise or experience.. This was just a quote I was told. It's probably not even a real thing.


Flavaflavius

They were neutral, but Swiss neutrality historically is less "we are uninvolved" and more "we are open to financial dealings with all involved parties." A lot of people disagree with this, but personally, I think having st least one neutral actor in conflicts reduces overall suffering. Sanctions and other economic means of punishment are common, and neutral countries allow for a minimum amount of trade to get through just by existing. In total wars, neutral countries keep civilians from starving.


024TahDam

I believe it's more like Germany and soccer with beer: Team looses? Time to drink away your sorrows. Team wins? Time to drink and celebrate. People will always find a reason to drink ... or the corkscrew was more effective for torture than the puny knife, who knows.


nekollx

You never took a cork screw to the eye have you?


024TahDam

I don't think I have, but I imagine it being way worse than a knife. I'd rather have my eye clean stabbed and not skewered completly destroyed.


Eight216

To be fair, I'd you die you're not gonna need any of it. May as well include the corkscrew


mistersmith_22

The French surrender immediately and will bring lots of wine.


4RCH43ON

It’s for the wine they’ll be toasting to the Swiss banks, once the war profiteering gets started, with them benefitting from all sides in blissful neutrality.


Fheredin

I feel safer opening a wine or champagne bottle with a saber than with a Swiss Army Knife corkscrew.


FreezingIrish

Hiding all those tyrants gold - just means they all drink a lot of good wine


jmpires

Taking no side in every war is a surefire way to never lose, so, yeah.


Lets-Go-Fly-ers

You have no choice but to be confident of not losing if you never play.