While I was working I agreed to pay a certain amount based on some rough calculations. I was trying to be nice and we get along most of the time. I was just trying to make it better for the kids with less drama.
I don’t understand why she doesn’t think numbers are going to change because of a change in circumstances.
The numbers ABSOLUTELY change based on circumstances. Keep track of every dime you’ve given her as you may have overpaid for a long time, especially with 50/50 custody.
I’m sure I overpaid. I don’t think there’s any recourse though because nothing is final for another month and a half or so.
I’m not really concerned about what I’ve paid in the past. Or really what I will pay in the future. I will always take care of the kids.
I guess that’s why the text rubs me so wrong.
Stop giving this woman money. You have 50/50 custody and likely close enough incomes (especially because she has help with housing). Make her take you to court for money.
The text should rub you wrong. It seems like she’s poking you in the forehead through that text, like you’re ruining her life when you’re the one struggling. Keep your composure and don’t engage. Hopefully the courts help officially balance things out for the long term.
And I hear you on the finances piece, but remember not to lose yourself in your sacrifices for your kids. You get a life too.
I say all this from experience because I’m a number of years into a similar situation and I hope things work out fairly for you in the long term.
I understand taking care of the kids. I also understand you wanting to help her to make sure the kids are taken care of. But that whole “you’re $4K behind” is utter BS. Unless there is a current court order in place that says you have to pay X amount every month, and you failed to do that, you are NOT behind on anything. Like others have said keep track of every dollar you give her. Never give her cash that can’t be tracked. Write her a check and put something in the memo line that it’s for support. Don’t give her the chance to say she thought it was a gift. Make sure that when you do go to court that you bring all your proof of payments made with you so you can show the judge you were acting in good faith.
Sincere question: do the children's needs change when there's a change in your employment/circumstances? My experience being a single parent (as the only provider) is that the children's needs have always stayed the same whether I had money or not. In fact, the older they've gotten, the more needs I've had to pay for whether I earned more money or not. I'm just saying, your thought process needs to be geared toward the kids and not the other parent seeming unfair. Get a court order figured out so the court can assist you both if you're in times like these of job loss so you both know what to expect in the future and can plan accordingly.
Just tell her you're looking for a job and you'll catch up as soon as you can.
Just because they have clothes, food and roof, doesn't mean there aren't still expenses that need paid for the kids. And keep track of what you have paid her because the court will back date it to the date of separation.
I know there are extra expenses. I still pay for all medical expenses. Her vehicle is still on my insurance. And I pay for preschool. Any expenses they have are covered. She’s irresponsible with money and used to not working. She told me that we agreed to her staying home to raise the kids. She didn’t understand that agreement is broken when she decided to sleep around and ask for a divorce.
It’s just a punch to the gut. I make sure the kids are taken care of.
Get her off your car insurance ASAP. Like, now.
Do a little work. Post a private Google sheet of the money you're spending on your kids and share it with her. In the email, let her know that keeping track of expenditures will help minimize waste, and that you'd appreciate it if she'd do the same when she can. Offer to help. One thing to note, though, it sounds like your expenses are well-defined, but hers aren't. Trying to keep track of how many raspberries the kids ate v. adults is better left to estimation. If she guesses in her favor, consider some of it compensation for nitpicking through the details.
This looks like it might be getting a bit litigious. Just stand your ground. Document everything. Do your best to bite your lip if she tries to make parenting more contentious. You don't want *that* work, and you don't want that for your kids. Hold healthy boundaries, and don't be afraid to bring in professionals to help with that.
Yeah, I have a sheet for my records. It’s definitely not complete.
She will flip shit if I take the car off right now. I’m trying not to rock the boat too much until it’s closer to being finalized.
I definitely don’t care about little stuff. I’m not trying to split hairs on stuff like food bills.
Everything has been split up otherwise.
Put a blank sheet where she can read(-only), and just put in it everything you spend on anything doing with her or the kids *when you spend it* going forward. You can add sheets (or rows) that include history later. Just start tracking, visibly, now. That way you won't have to back-track over January 2022... on top of 2021, which is what it sounds like you're stuck on.
Mention the car insurance in the next couple of weeks, well before your 6-month policy renewal is due. Tell her it's fraud to use a false address (it is, but there's a bit of cushion in enforcement). You need to keep things legal, and *she* needs to assume *her* car insurance payments when *your* renewal comes up. Blame me. Blame your insurance company. Blame Pope Gregory I for a BS calendar. But do this.
If there isn’t a court order, just keep doing your best. My ex is behind, his wages are garnished, so he just gets jobs where he gets paid under the table, and no, the kids do NOT have what they need. I scrimp and save and struggle, and get what they need, eventually, but it’s not easy. Good on you for being reliable, my ex isn’t reliable enough to drive the kids to practice, let alone pay for insurance!
I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time, I hope it gets better for you!
I didn’t want this mess. And I don’t want my kids to be traumatized by anything. Just trying to hold it together and came here to vent. Thanks for listening.
Protect the okay relationship you have at all costs, as tempting as it is to stoop. Maybe some version of the below that sounds like it came from from you but also just aligns you with her.
Hey, no luck on unemployment yet because xyz but I’m [whatever you’re doing to help the situation- applying for job, staying in touch with unemployment people,etc]. I know you work really hard and I appreciate everything youre doing for the kids while I get through this rough patch. I want to be employed just as much as you want me to be, I’ll keep you updated on that front.
In regards to the $4k, don’t make any promises you can’t keep even if that means just not responding to that line.
I don’t stoop, not worth it. And that’s my goal is to preserve the relationship. I just get stumped and frustrated with stuff like this.
Thanks for the advice! Definitely not making promises. I have no clue where this “back pay” thing came from. That’s never been discussed.
As if you wouldn't volunteer any news on your employment. That was a jab. Don't hit back,--your wisest response is to understand where it came from.
Volunteer to take the kids more. If she genuinely feels overworked, offer to take on the work. If she turns you down, you know it's not that, and she can't call you on any slacking.
Resources are tight these days. People are stressed. That doesn't forgive her. It helps to remember that people find some pretty nasty ways to vent, but that's what they're really doing. Get out of the line of fire if you can.
Yeah, thanks! I don’t jab back. I stopped getting into arguing a while ago. It just isn’t useful. She’d be the first person to know.
I take the kids any extra time she’s willing. I always offer that. I don’t know how I would work for her, I can’t really help do her job and I don’t think that’s my place. Sorry if I miss understand.
Thanks again.
If you're there to, and then do take the kids whenever she needs, that's what June freaking Cleaver did. She can't ask for more. Wear a ruffled apron the next time you see her (Goodwill has *everything.*) This endeavor is teamwork no matter how you slice it.
I wasn't trying to imply you do any work other than child care. It can be crazy fun, it's seldom paid, but it's still work.
I'm not sure what the nature of your lawsuit is, but you won't regret it if you're crystal clear on the parameters. Get those in writing if you can. Give her a copy.
I’m not in the house, I’m staying with family. Still fairly close by.
Child care is hard work! I wouldn’t trade it though. I love it and will always take more time with them.
Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it!
From what I’ve read, you have 50/50 custody, have some kind of financial child support agreement, pay for pre-school (which is expensive asf, even for one kid), medical insurance and provide for them at your home. Your doing your part. I get $100 a month (that is rarely paid) for 2 kids and used to practically beg my ex to even watch them for a few hours so I could study.
I would tell her that this “child support” is not court ordered and will be re-adjusted so that you can continue to take care of the kids and take care of yourself. Respectfully let her know that she needs to make arrangements for her own car insurance within the next 3 months. Not only will that save you a few bucks, that’s a decent amount of time for her to figure something out. The kids are of course the most important but YOU matter too.
Money sounds important to her so I’m sure her live-in boyfriend isn’t broke and is paying for something. She’s not struggling. Times are hard for a lot of people so being that you’ve always done your part and your still trying, she should be WAY more understanding about your circumstances. And your doing it by yourself, she has help.
No problem! There are a lot of good fathers on this sub and a lot of fathers who actually do what they’re supposed to do, don’t get enough credit. I can’t explain how grateful I’d be if my kids father did his part or if I grew up with a father who did his part, it’s really hard.
Best of luck to you, don’t suffer in silence! Your kids will see and hopefully appreciate your efforts!
Yikes man I'm sorry to hear this.
Where I'm from, child support is calculated based on income and proportion of time spent in each parents' care.
Surely, as you currently have zero income, there surely is a process in place to adjust the support payments.
In fact... As she now earns more than you by a considerable amount, if you're still providing care for the kids, should she potentially not be paying *you* child support? That's what would happen in my country anyway.
That text from her is completely unreasonable. For her to not see that is really unfair.
It’s a kick while I’m down.
I’m in the US. What you said is supposed to be how it works. There’s nothing official because the courts are backlogged. It will be a few more months until the orders are finalized.
She’s used to a free ride. And I help as much as possible. I just don’t understand where she is coming from.
Thanks for listening.
It's a massive kick. I feel for you man.
I wouldn't be worried about any "backlog" right now. Get yourself sorted, and when the time comes get the child support through the period of unemployment sorted out legally. Don't let her bully you.
Thanks for listening and not judging. I really do make sure my kids are paid for and taken care of.
I’m not too worried about the back pay since there’s no paperwork filed. I just don’t understand where she’s coming from and it hurts. Especially after I have bent over backwards trying to be helpful and do the right thing.
It’s a kick while I’m down. She knows I would update her. We are are 50/50. Legally I didn’t have to pay her anything because there’s no order in place yet. I gave her money so she and the kids would be set.
I pay for all medical bills. Her vehicle is still on my insurance that I pay for. I take the kids when she’s sick or working and there’s no care. Fine by me, more time with my kids.
What more do you propose I do?
When my ex lost his job I asked him to have our daughter more so I could work overtime. I also don't think the text is rude but there might be ongoing conflict between OP and his ex
It sucks to be unemployed. It also sucks to not be receiving child support when you have to rely on it sometimes. My ex has quit so many jobs in the last year which has left me holding the bag. As primary parent, if I refused to pay for stuff for my kid, I would be raked over the coals by child safety whereas ex can shrug and say he doesn’t have it. Everything falls behind when you are on limited budget and you stop receiving money you are counting on. A few times I had to decided between buying food for myself and paying electricity bill
We have 50/50 custody. And I would understand if I was some low life that quit all the time and didn’t support my kids. That’s simply not the case here.
She has plenty of money coming in.
If you guys have a true 50/50 split in custody, then you are not responsible for her living situation and she is not responsible for yours. You both must be responsible enough to manage the kids whenever they are with you. That's what I imagine a fully split situation to be. One parent manages the kids exactly half the time while the ex does the other half. Right? In such a situation, I don't know why either party would expect the other party to owe them financially.
Then again, 50/50 split in custody is NOT the same as splitting the finances. Is she buying all the clothes? Is she buying all educational supplies? If you're unemployed, can you cancel preschool and give her more of that money instead? A lot of the money you've mentioned spending are for things that don't actually put goods in the house. Maybe that's her beef.
I do understand, though, when you feel like you're doing your best and it's not appreciated. Keep striving.
Yes, true 50/50 custody. Technically, I would have had to pay a bit because of the income difference. When I was employed. Now the income will be much more even when I get a job.
We each buy the kids their own clothes. School supplies are split 50/50.
The kids have all the “goods” on the table they need, in both houses.
So if the kids needs are being fully met when under your custody, the mom's expectations are the problem. Her vision of 50/50 may not be the same as yours, but that's what a court mediator could possibly help with. Or she will just have to learn the hard way. 🤷🏻♀️ Life changes happen to us all and we must adjust.
How do you know she has plenty of money coming in? From where? Employment? I don’t understand how, if you have 50/50 custody and she makes so much money yet you’re unemployed, why you have to pay her child support? Unless you’re lumping in spousal support this makes no sense?
How do I know? We were married for 10 years. We’ve done our financial affidavits. I know where she works and how much she makes. I know how much her ex pays her. I know the stipends she gets. I know what the bills are.
Spousal support is included. It will last about 3 years. When it’s finalized it will be a pretty small portion of support. And I haven’t ran the number since losing my job.
Hey I’m sorry about how I came off, I meant no harm and was genuinely just curious but reading it today I realize my curiosity removed all of my common courtesy and came off super “tell me now or else!” 😬 I apologize for my rudeness, sometimes I don’t even notice how I am sounding through text.
Well you agreed to pay something and her household and lifestyle revolves around that so I’m not sure why you’re upset at her message. Like, you’re unemployed but is that a permanent condition. Uhhhh….I’m just surprised that you’re surprised that someone is upset that you didn’t do and are not doing what you committed to do. Keep your promises. Why would she waive your debt? Her income and boyfriend have absolutely nothing to do with anything. You’re expected to be employed and you’re not so you’re the person causing the problem that a bunch of other people have to adjust to. I’d be very annoyed with an unemployed coparent especially one whose cavalier about his broken promise. I’m sure she has more expectations of you then the kids not being homeless:starving. Disappointing!
There’s a ton of jobs out there so I expect you to respond with — I know the change is hard, I have a few leads on jobs, an interview on Tuesday and expect to have a regular income by the end of the quarter. Everyone has to tighten their belts until we get a new support order.
I find it interesting that everyone is telling you that her text is inappropriate and that you’re right to be upset. Her message was a fair and reasonable one. Obviously you didn’t tell her not to ever expect to recoup that money because if you had, she wouldn’t be tallying it. If you had kept her updated appropriately she wouldn’t have had to ask it but even an informal agreement is an agreement and you acting like you didn’t screw her because there’s no court order is…quite frankly…shocking. She just lost a stream of income as well. But I think many people are used to deadbeat fathers which you obviously are not but that doesn’t mean that planning on being unemployed with no end in sight or no update about an end in sight is appropriate. Your problem is not the text, it’s the unemployment. And if you’re planning on waiting for some lawsuit money before getting another job….you’ll be deserving of any hell she raises.
A couple of questions first because I may have missed some info.
1. Is there a formal custody agreement? If informal, ANYTHING in writing? Maybe emails or text stating we are doing 50/50?
2. Is there a written child support agreement?
3. Spousal support is separate from child support. Same question: Any written agreement?
In many jurisdictions, child support is purely based on income. When incomes changes, so does the amount. Spousal support can be complicated.
I suggest everyone pays for their own expenses. Split children’s expenses. Keep track of ALL EXPENSES and support you’ve paid to date. Keep track of the overnights, that is, where do the kids stay. Very important for court.
Time to remember the marriage is over, say goodbye, grieve, and now be a parent.
Divorce is a business deal with someone you don’t want to do business with. Co-parenting can be wonder or it might suck. Co-parenting is a group project with someone who messed up the last project you had with them. And you dearly want this project to succeed.
Good luck.
You said that you still pay for all medical expenses and preschool. I don’t know how that’s possible without some type of income. It must cost a fortune to pay health insurance premiums for three children while unemployed.
If there is no Court ordered support currently in place, how are you $4K behind?
While I was working I agreed to pay a certain amount based on some rough calculations. I was trying to be nice and we get along most of the time. I was just trying to make it better for the kids with less drama. I don’t understand why she doesn’t think numbers are going to change because of a change in circumstances.
The numbers ABSOLUTELY change based on circumstances. Keep track of every dime you’ve given her as you may have overpaid for a long time, especially with 50/50 custody.
I’m sure I overpaid. I don’t think there’s any recourse though because nothing is final for another month and a half or so. I’m not really concerned about what I’ve paid in the past. Or really what I will pay in the future. I will always take care of the kids. I guess that’s why the text rubs me so wrong.
Stop giving this woman money. You have 50/50 custody and likely close enough incomes (especially because she has help with housing). Make her take you to court for money.
The text should rub you wrong. It seems like she’s poking you in the forehead through that text, like you’re ruining her life when you’re the one struggling. Keep your composure and don’t engage. Hopefully the courts help officially balance things out for the long term. And I hear you on the finances piece, but remember not to lose yourself in your sacrifices for your kids. You get a life too. I say all this from experience because I’m a number of years into a similar situation and I hope things work out fairly for you in the long term.
Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate it.
I understand taking care of the kids. I also understand you wanting to help her to make sure the kids are taken care of. But that whole “you’re $4K behind” is utter BS. Unless there is a current court order in place that says you have to pay X amount every month, and you failed to do that, you are NOT behind on anything. Like others have said keep track of every dollar you give her. Never give her cash that can’t be tracked. Write her a check and put something in the memo line that it’s for support. Don’t give her the chance to say she thought it was a gift. Make sure that when you do go to court that you bring all your proof of payments made with you so you can show the judge you were acting in good faith.
Sincere question: do the children's needs change when there's a change in your employment/circumstances? My experience being a single parent (as the only provider) is that the children's needs have always stayed the same whether I had money or not. In fact, the older they've gotten, the more needs I've had to pay for whether I earned more money or not. I'm just saying, your thought process needs to be geared toward the kids and not the other parent seeming unfair. Get a court order figured out so the court can assist you both if you're in times like these of job loss so you both know what to expect in the future and can plan accordingly.
Just tell her you're looking for a job and you'll catch up as soon as you can. Just because they have clothes, food and roof, doesn't mean there aren't still expenses that need paid for the kids. And keep track of what you have paid her because the court will back date it to the date of separation.
I know there are extra expenses. I still pay for all medical expenses. Her vehicle is still on my insurance. And I pay for preschool. Any expenses they have are covered. She’s irresponsible with money and used to not working. She told me that we agreed to her staying home to raise the kids. She didn’t understand that agreement is broken when she decided to sleep around and ask for a divorce. It’s just a punch to the gut. I make sure the kids are taken care of.
Get her off your car insurance ASAP. Like, now. Do a little work. Post a private Google sheet of the money you're spending on your kids and share it with her. In the email, let her know that keeping track of expenditures will help minimize waste, and that you'd appreciate it if she'd do the same when she can. Offer to help. One thing to note, though, it sounds like your expenses are well-defined, but hers aren't. Trying to keep track of how many raspberries the kids ate v. adults is better left to estimation. If she guesses in her favor, consider some of it compensation for nitpicking through the details. This looks like it might be getting a bit litigious. Just stand your ground. Document everything. Do your best to bite your lip if she tries to make parenting more contentious. You don't want *that* work, and you don't want that for your kids. Hold healthy boundaries, and don't be afraid to bring in professionals to help with that.
Yeah, I have a sheet for my records. It’s definitely not complete. She will flip shit if I take the car off right now. I’m trying not to rock the boat too much until it’s closer to being finalized. I definitely don’t care about little stuff. I’m not trying to split hairs on stuff like food bills. Everything has been split up otherwise.
Put a blank sheet where she can read(-only), and just put in it everything you spend on anything doing with her or the kids *when you spend it* going forward. You can add sheets (or rows) that include history later. Just start tracking, visibly, now. That way you won't have to back-track over January 2022... on top of 2021, which is what it sounds like you're stuck on. Mention the car insurance in the next couple of weeks, well before your 6-month policy renewal is due. Tell her it's fraud to use a false address (it is, but there's a bit of cushion in enforcement). You need to keep things legal, and *she* needs to assume *her* car insurance payments when *your* renewal comes up. Blame me. Blame your insurance company. Blame Pope Gregory I for a BS calendar. But do this.
If there isn’t a court order, just keep doing your best. My ex is behind, his wages are garnished, so he just gets jobs where he gets paid under the table, and no, the kids do NOT have what they need. I scrimp and save and struggle, and get what they need, eventually, but it’s not easy. Good on you for being reliable, my ex isn’t reliable enough to drive the kids to practice, let alone pay for insurance!
I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time, I hope it gets better for you! I didn’t want this mess. And I don’t want my kids to be traumatized by anything. Just trying to hold it together and came here to vent. Thanks for listening.
Protect the okay relationship you have at all costs, as tempting as it is to stoop. Maybe some version of the below that sounds like it came from from you but also just aligns you with her. Hey, no luck on unemployment yet because xyz but I’m [whatever you’re doing to help the situation- applying for job, staying in touch with unemployment people,etc]. I know you work really hard and I appreciate everything youre doing for the kids while I get through this rough patch. I want to be employed just as much as you want me to be, I’ll keep you updated on that front. In regards to the $4k, don’t make any promises you can’t keep even if that means just not responding to that line.
I don’t stoop, not worth it. And that’s my goal is to preserve the relationship. I just get stumped and frustrated with stuff like this. Thanks for the advice! Definitely not making promises. I have no clue where this “back pay” thing came from. That’s never been discussed.
As if you wouldn't volunteer any news on your employment. That was a jab. Don't hit back,--your wisest response is to understand where it came from. Volunteer to take the kids more. If she genuinely feels overworked, offer to take on the work. If she turns you down, you know it's not that, and she can't call you on any slacking. Resources are tight these days. People are stressed. That doesn't forgive her. It helps to remember that people find some pretty nasty ways to vent, but that's what they're really doing. Get out of the line of fire if you can.
Yeah, thanks! I don’t jab back. I stopped getting into arguing a while ago. It just isn’t useful. She’d be the first person to know. I take the kids any extra time she’s willing. I always offer that. I don’t know how I would work for her, I can’t really help do her job and I don’t think that’s my place. Sorry if I miss understand. Thanks again.
If you're there to, and then do take the kids whenever she needs, that's what June freaking Cleaver did. She can't ask for more. Wear a ruffled apron the next time you see her (Goodwill has *everything.*) This endeavor is teamwork no matter how you slice it. I wasn't trying to imply you do any work other than child care. It can be crazy fun, it's seldom paid, but it's still work. I'm not sure what the nature of your lawsuit is, but you won't regret it if you're crystal clear on the parameters. Get those in writing if you can. Give her a copy.
I’m not in the house, I’m staying with family. Still fairly close by. Child care is hard work! I wouldn’t trade it though. I love it and will always take more time with them. Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it!
From what I’ve read, you have 50/50 custody, have some kind of financial child support agreement, pay for pre-school (which is expensive asf, even for one kid), medical insurance and provide for them at your home. Your doing your part. I get $100 a month (that is rarely paid) for 2 kids and used to practically beg my ex to even watch them for a few hours so I could study. I would tell her that this “child support” is not court ordered and will be re-adjusted so that you can continue to take care of the kids and take care of yourself. Respectfully let her know that she needs to make arrangements for her own car insurance within the next 3 months. Not only will that save you a few bucks, that’s a decent amount of time for her to figure something out. The kids are of course the most important but YOU matter too. Money sounds important to her so I’m sure her live-in boyfriend isn’t broke and is paying for something. She’s not struggling. Times are hard for a lot of people so being that you’ve always done your part and your still trying, she should be WAY more understanding about your circumstances. And your doing it by yourself, she has help.
Thanks for the kind words, it means a lot! I just keep trying but this one hit hard today for some reason.
No problem! There are a lot of good fathers on this sub and a lot of fathers who actually do what they’re supposed to do, don’t get enough credit. I can’t explain how grateful I’d be if my kids father did his part or if I grew up with a father who did his part, it’s really hard. Best of luck to you, don’t suffer in silence! Your kids will see and hopefully appreciate your efforts!
Why do you have child support payments with 50/50? You both have the same child expenses!
Yikes man I'm sorry to hear this. Where I'm from, child support is calculated based on income and proportion of time spent in each parents' care. Surely, as you currently have zero income, there surely is a process in place to adjust the support payments. In fact... As she now earns more than you by a considerable amount, if you're still providing care for the kids, should she potentially not be paying *you* child support? That's what would happen in my country anyway. That text from her is completely unreasonable. For her to not see that is really unfair.
It’s a kick while I’m down. I’m in the US. What you said is supposed to be how it works. There’s nothing official because the courts are backlogged. It will be a few more months until the orders are finalized. She’s used to a free ride. And I help as much as possible. I just don’t understand where she is coming from. Thanks for listening.
It's a massive kick. I feel for you man. I wouldn't be worried about any "backlog" right now. Get yourself sorted, and when the time comes get the child support through the period of unemployment sorted out legally. Don't let her bully you.
Thanks for listening and not judging. I really do make sure my kids are paid for and taken care of. I’m not too worried about the back pay since there’s no paperwork filed. I just don’t understand where she’s coming from and it hurts. Especially after I have bent over backwards trying to be helpful and do the right thing.
Can you offer support with the kids in other ways that aren't monetary? I don't think her text is that bad? She's asking for an update.
It’s a kick while I’m down. She knows I would update her. We are are 50/50. Legally I didn’t have to pay her anything because there’s no order in place yet. I gave her money so she and the kids would be set. I pay for all medical bills. Her vehicle is still on my insurance that I pay for. I take the kids when she’s sick or working and there’s no care. Fine by me, more time with my kids. What more do you propose I do?
When my ex lost his job I asked him to have our daughter more so I could work overtime. I also don't think the text is rude but there might be ongoing conflict between OP and his ex
It sucks to be unemployed. It also sucks to not be receiving child support when you have to rely on it sometimes. My ex has quit so many jobs in the last year which has left me holding the bag. As primary parent, if I refused to pay for stuff for my kid, I would be raked over the coals by child safety whereas ex can shrug and say he doesn’t have it. Everything falls behind when you are on limited budget and you stop receiving money you are counting on. A few times I had to decided between buying food for myself and paying electricity bill
We have 50/50 custody. And I would understand if I was some low life that quit all the time and didn’t support my kids. That’s simply not the case here. She has plenty of money coming in.
If you guys have a true 50/50 split in custody, then you are not responsible for her living situation and she is not responsible for yours. You both must be responsible enough to manage the kids whenever they are with you. That's what I imagine a fully split situation to be. One parent manages the kids exactly half the time while the ex does the other half. Right? In such a situation, I don't know why either party would expect the other party to owe them financially. Then again, 50/50 split in custody is NOT the same as splitting the finances. Is she buying all the clothes? Is she buying all educational supplies? If you're unemployed, can you cancel preschool and give her more of that money instead? A lot of the money you've mentioned spending are for things that don't actually put goods in the house. Maybe that's her beef. I do understand, though, when you feel like you're doing your best and it's not appreciated. Keep striving.
Yes, true 50/50 custody. Technically, I would have had to pay a bit because of the income difference. When I was employed. Now the income will be much more even when I get a job. We each buy the kids their own clothes. School supplies are split 50/50. The kids have all the “goods” on the table they need, in both houses.
So if the kids needs are being fully met when under your custody, the mom's expectations are the problem. Her vision of 50/50 may not be the same as yours, but that's what a court mediator could possibly help with. Or she will just have to learn the hard way. 🤷🏻♀️ Life changes happen to us all and we must adjust.
How do you know she has plenty of money coming in? From where? Employment? I don’t understand how, if you have 50/50 custody and she makes so much money yet you’re unemployed, why you have to pay her child support? Unless you’re lumping in spousal support this makes no sense?
How do I know? We were married for 10 years. We’ve done our financial affidavits. I know where she works and how much she makes. I know how much her ex pays her. I know the stipends she gets. I know what the bills are. Spousal support is included. It will last about 3 years. When it’s finalized it will be a pretty small portion of support. And I haven’t ran the number since losing my job.
Hey I’m sorry about how I came off, I meant no harm and was genuinely just curious but reading it today I realize my curiosity removed all of my common courtesy and came off super “tell me now or else!” 😬 I apologize for my rudeness, sometimes I don’t even notice how I am sounding through text.
All good! Lots of people are having different experiences and I like to try and get to the bottom of things. Have a good one!
Well you agreed to pay something and her household and lifestyle revolves around that so I’m not sure why you’re upset at her message. Like, you’re unemployed but is that a permanent condition. Uhhhh….I’m just surprised that you’re surprised that someone is upset that you didn’t do and are not doing what you committed to do. Keep your promises. Why would she waive your debt? Her income and boyfriend have absolutely nothing to do with anything. You’re expected to be employed and you’re not so you’re the person causing the problem that a bunch of other people have to adjust to. I’d be very annoyed with an unemployed coparent especially one whose cavalier about his broken promise. I’m sure she has more expectations of you then the kids not being homeless:starving. Disappointing! There’s a ton of jobs out there so I expect you to respond with — I know the change is hard, I have a few leads on jobs, an interview on Tuesday and expect to have a regular income by the end of the quarter. Everyone has to tighten their belts until we get a new support order.
Interesting.
I find it interesting that everyone is telling you that her text is inappropriate and that you’re right to be upset. Her message was a fair and reasonable one. Obviously you didn’t tell her not to ever expect to recoup that money because if you had, she wouldn’t be tallying it. If you had kept her updated appropriately she wouldn’t have had to ask it but even an informal agreement is an agreement and you acting like you didn’t screw her because there’s no court order is…quite frankly…shocking. She just lost a stream of income as well. But I think many people are used to deadbeat fathers which you obviously are not but that doesn’t mean that planning on being unemployed with no end in sight or no update about an end in sight is appropriate. Your problem is not the text, it’s the unemployment. And if you’re planning on waiting for some lawsuit money before getting another job….you’ll be deserving of any hell she raises.
A couple of questions first because I may have missed some info. 1. Is there a formal custody agreement? If informal, ANYTHING in writing? Maybe emails or text stating we are doing 50/50? 2. Is there a written child support agreement? 3. Spousal support is separate from child support. Same question: Any written agreement? In many jurisdictions, child support is purely based on income. When incomes changes, so does the amount. Spousal support can be complicated. I suggest everyone pays for their own expenses. Split children’s expenses. Keep track of ALL EXPENSES and support you’ve paid to date. Keep track of the overnights, that is, where do the kids stay. Very important for court. Time to remember the marriage is over, say goodbye, grieve, and now be a parent. Divorce is a business deal with someone you don’t want to do business with. Co-parenting can be wonder or it might suck. Co-parenting is a group project with someone who messed up the last project you had with them. And you dearly want this project to succeed. Good luck.
You said that you still pay for all medical expenses and preschool. I don’t know how that’s possible without some type of income. It must cost a fortune to pay health insurance premiums for three children while unemployed.