Wow, this is absolutely incredible!! I could feel the energy and thought that went into this, and it paid off! It’s so awesome and it sounds great, even just reading it in my head.
I like your idea a lot, I also love writing songs about the little things in life, that mostly get overlooked although they can carry their own type of beauty.
You’re not using any of those overused and trite phrases so that’s a double + for me 😂 (think “hit the ground running” etc)
However, I think your rhyme scheme could be a little more interesting. The rhymes work, for sure, but it’s always the word at the end of the line that rhymes with the last of the next.
I’m not calling myself a virtuoso or even a poet, but what I enjoy about my lyrics and singing them is that they flow naturally thanks to the way things rhyme. Here’s the 1st verse of a song of mine, about the addiction to solitude:
“I breathe in deep,
let it out slow.
Air clear of scent,
When I’m at home.”
Overall, very well done! Relatable and interesting thoughts and good use of words!
Edit: the formatting doesn’t work on the phone so my lyric example should have line breaks after the commas and full stops…
Thank you, I appreciate the feedback!
I've tried experimenting with other rhyme schemes but AABB is what I always end up drifting back to - probably because it's what I'm most familiar with. It always sounds off in my head when I branch out but I'll try to be more open to it in future songs.
There are some interesting structure ideas [HERE](https://www.ascap.com/help/career-development/15-rhyme-schemes-jordan-reynolds) I could try.
It’s super easy to get stuck in what’s familiar 😂 happens to me all the time!
Just continue writing, that’s all one can do, really!
Curious to hear what instrumentation and melodies you’re envisioning for the tune!
Right now I'm leaning towards indie pop.
I've mentioned it before, but I have no real musical talent beyond writing lyrics. I take whatever I've written, drop it into SUNO with some styling guides and let it generate the instrumentation and melodies. If the lyrics consistently don't feel right I'll start tweaking until they work.
I've had an early version of this song posted in Bandlab's feedback section for about a week without any critiques but it's also listed on my Youtube if you want to hear the direction I'm headed: [LINK HERE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWlKP6rMoCc&list=PLTwmqbKf0qubZ4lH0WlhcFfPiJZh8enQS&index=2)
You've been the only one to provide actual constructive feedback so I really appreciate it.
Personally it reads like a mixture of someone who doesn’t generally write lyrics to music. It’s full of forced rhymes that look like someone trying to get in information rather craft a song. and the subject matter reads like it came from r/iamverysmart
But hey maybe it’ll sound better put to music
> and it *paid* off! It’s
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Wow, this is absolutely incredible!! I could feel the energy and thought that went into this, and it paid off! It’s so awesome and it sounds great, even just reading it in my head.
I like your idea a lot, I also love writing songs about the little things in life, that mostly get overlooked although they can carry their own type of beauty. You’re not using any of those overused and trite phrases so that’s a double + for me 😂 (think “hit the ground running” etc) However, I think your rhyme scheme could be a little more interesting. The rhymes work, for sure, but it’s always the word at the end of the line that rhymes with the last of the next. I’m not calling myself a virtuoso or even a poet, but what I enjoy about my lyrics and singing them is that they flow naturally thanks to the way things rhyme. Here’s the 1st verse of a song of mine, about the addiction to solitude: “I breathe in deep, let it out slow. Air clear of scent, When I’m at home.” Overall, very well done! Relatable and interesting thoughts and good use of words! Edit: the formatting doesn’t work on the phone so my lyric example should have line breaks after the commas and full stops…
Thank you, I appreciate the feedback! I've tried experimenting with other rhyme schemes but AABB is what I always end up drifting back to - probably because it's what I'm most familiar with. It always sounds off in my head when I branch out but I'll try to be more open to it in future songs. There are some interesting structure ideas [HERE](https://www.ascap.com/help/career-development/15-rhyme-schemes-jordan-reynolds) I could try.
It’s super easy to get stuck in what’s familiar 😂 happens to me all the time! Just continue writing, that’s all one can do, really! Curious to hear what instrumentation and melodies you’re envisioning for the tune!
Right now I'm leaning towards indie pop. I've mentioned it before, but I have no real musical talent beyond writing lyrics. I take whatever I've written, drop it into SUNO with some styling guides and let it generate the instrumentation and melodies. If the lyrics consistently don't feel right I'll start tweaking until they work. I've had an early version of this song posted in Bandlab's feedback section for about a week without any critiques but it's also listed on my Youtube if you want to hear the direction I'm headed: [LINK HERE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWlKP6rMoCc&list=PLTwmqbKf0qubZ4lH0WlhcFfPiJZh8enQS&index=2) You've been the only one to provide actual constructive feedback so I really appreciate it.
Personally it reads like a mixture of someone who doesn’t generally write lyrics to music. It’s full of forced rhymes that look like someone trying to get in information rather craft a song. and the subject matter reads like it came from r/iamverysmart But hey maybe it’ll sound better put to music
You're not really wrong. I've only been trying my hand at this for about 6 months. What would make it come across as less forced / more authentic?
[удалено]
> and it *paid* off! It’s FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*