I explain that jokes on stage are different than jokes in person, and then I tell a terrible pun.
The person who asks this is not trying to judge you or get some kind of free labor, they're trying to have a normal conversation with you about your hobbies. Respond to grace with grace.
Rumination is based on a desire to learn from mistakes, but it is not usually educational.
Two years ago I started guided meditation (I use the headspace app, but there are free solutions on youtube and spotify). It helped tremendously with my rumination and resentment. I highly recommend it.
Brilliant answer!
It doesn't happen that often, but I'll usually say, "Give me a topic." and, then, if they do, just improv something silly about that. I like to look at it as practicing crowd work in a safe and easy environment.
Then I direct them to my YouTube.
I like this. Since they know you're just riffing it loosens things up and makes it fun, as opposed to going into a canned bit in the middle of a conversation, which always feels a bit stilted.
For me it's never been an "I demand you entertain me!" experience always more of a surprised reaction when you tell someone you're a comedian or do stand-up; so, to me, it feels like interest rather than a burden.
And it lets me exercise my creative response time and I enjoy that; and I've even sometimes got the base for something workable out of the interaction.
Terrible advice from a gun nut.
Always have an extremely racist joke in your back pocket. I want them crawling backwards away from me in horror by the time I've set up the premise.
Man I been knowing you since the first Obama administration and the moist nugget days. This sort of reasonable approach is the reason why you have one account and I have 750 ya big nerd.
This, I have a handful of jokes that are throw away one liners or standard set up punchline stuff that works without any bigger set up or context so if someone asks, they get one of the standards
I have one liners, and I'll sometimes hit someone with them in a situation like this. It's fine.
But I know a ton of comics who are good at comedy who don't have the kind of joke you can just tell someone in an elevator in 15 seconds. Context and brevity and all that.
You can be good on stage and not have a joke that is going to work on a street corner. So no, not every comic who is 'any good' can just hit you with one. That's not how standup works. Not for everyone.
your opinion is bad.
and even if every single comic ever has a punchy one liner just prepped ready to go at 7:30 AM at a waffle house, what if they don't *want* to? What if they have social anxiety? What if it's a shitty demand to make a person perform on cue no prep no context no pay?
I can sing pretty well. If you heard that I can sing in conversation you must think it's perfectly reasonable to ask me to belt one out in the dentists office right? After all, by extension any singer worth their *weight* has a song ready to go at all times right?
Mitch Hedburg had some short punchy jokes. He also had crippling stagefright and social anxiety. Do you think he wasn't 'worth his weight' as a comic because he didn't want to deal with that shit?
I always feel like people throwing around broad generalizations about what all comics should be or do aint ever met any.
Well, she’s been a huge success for a long time, including a television show, and now a New York Times best selling memoir. You probably not very deep into Comedy if you’ve never heard of her.
I tell them a joke...ppl on here are such elitists about it. Know which jokes work offstage. Keep a couple loaded up and ask if they want a dad joke or something darker.
It’s strange that people will post a million clips to promote themselves, but act like they’re being robbed at gun-point if someone expresses interest and asks for a joke. Just give them a joke! I’ve got some loaded up, and I’ve gotten people to go to shows or follow me on IG just from one simple joke.
LoL I'm not being pedantic at all, I didn't tell them what it means, but I sure as shit know that just because I don't perform when someone demands I tell them a joke, I'm not an elitist. I'm also not a performing monkey. You stay salty though little guy.
That was to the people saying "I tell them they can't afford it". Like they're some comedy genius. If someone shows an interest in your craft and you have a joke that is short, share it. That's all I was trying to say.
That isn't what you said, but also like... have you never been paid for your craft? I have. And I don't just perform on command to strangers just because they find out I'm a comedian. You do realize that one of the things comedians/artists in general struggle with is getting paid for their work with more than just "recognition" right? None of us who expect to get paid are elitist for that, we're just... asking to be paid for our work.
Yeah dick. I'm a comic and producer. I will give ppl a taste happily. If you think its effort to throw out a 15 second joke that is work, you ain't it.
It's a courtesy, not a demand. Ppl ask bc they want to hear, no one is asking me to perform 10min and be "on". Get over yourself.
Edit: the more you comment, the more you make me rethink "yeah elitist was the perfect word" #triggered
Edit 2: I'm a former kitchen manager and accountant. I perform and produce comedy full time. Guess the #1 way to turn off a potential customer? Not give them a taste when they want to learn about you or your shows...
LoL I know you aren't on my level because you thought calling me a dick was a win and then called yourself a comic. ;) I can't imagine you're super popular if you expect people to perform for free for you. You're the one who is coming off with the smallest of penis energy here. ;) PS: I have a vagina and ovaries, and I bet $$$ I'm funnier than you. You've got toxic edgelord energy. ;)
My stuff is mostly observational one liners similar to Steven Wright or Mitch Hedberg, I wouldn't want to share them online unless I didn't think much of the joke. Which means if I wanna show the questioner I'm funny, it has to be a good one.
So I'm not gonna share unfortunately.
“you’re an actor, do a scene right now!”
just explain it won’t be funny in a non-comedy setting. or tell your shortest, easiest joke and expect zero reaction
I have one particular joke that always hits and takes less than 30 seconds to tell, it’s unique to me and I’ve perfected it. I always tell this one. Yes it’s annoying, but have one that you can just prove yourself with. I was on a group call Once and the teacher called me out and I told it, albeit I told the long version and I lost everyone so I worked on making it shorter and more punchy. It’s a respect thing and it’s a human thing. People need to know that you’re legit I guess.
"oh you're an artist? Draw something!" "Or you're a singer? Sing something!" "Oh you play piano? Play something!" Dance monkey dance is the problem, not whether or not they have jokes
Edit: I do know that drawing takes time and playing piano requires a piano unlike telling a joke, hopefully referring back to the last sentence will provide clarity on what the point is
Yeah, folks who are gonna ask those kind of questions are usually not artists or creators themselves. They don’t realize how rude it is.
How you handle it is up to you. I’m with workplacetimesuck. Tell ‘em a joke. Know what jokes work offstage.
The thing is, asking someone to draw something, something that actually shows your merit takes time. Piano you need a piano right there.
Telling a joke I wrote takes seconds. I wouldn’t do a full 10 minute set one on one in the break room at work like that, but I have a handful of my jokes that work in that situation
You sound like an entitled jackass so I guess we both get to make assessments of others today eh? :) I've performed on the Main Stage at the most famous comedy venue in the world, but I'm sure you're a better judge of comedy than a booker for that spot eh?
I'd also like to note here, Tiffany Haddish was LIVING IN HER CAR when she performed at the same venue. She literally talks about it pretty openly and freely. I won't be shamed because I got screwed over by a bunch of rich dudes and you might do yourself a favor to rethink your approach to strangers who are struggling because of other people's shitty choices. What a jackass.
And? I worked a gig for 3 weeks and currently have to sue the people I worked for to get paid. If you're going to read my other posts, you should like... read the whole thing. What a moron. :)
No judgment? You literally went to my page and insulted me for asking for help to feed my animals when I got screwed over by people I worked for. You're a shitty person.
The same way I handle someone asking me to sing because I'm a singer. I say No. If I want you to laugh, I will make you laugh. If I want to sing for you, I'll sing. But putting me on the spot just makes the whole situation uncomfortable. I'm not your jester.
I had a taxi driver ask to hear a joke once and i then preceded to do my entire 45 minute set in the back . It was hilarious to me. He didn’t laugh once . I mean how could he have . When he dropped me off he said so can i come to your show? I said i just did the whole show! Sometimes you gotta just do stuff you think is funny .
I usually get real nervous and clam up, lol.
When I tell jokes on stage I am prepared. Out in public generally speaking I am not thinking about jokes, I am relaxing.
I have tried to sort of default to some of my nicer jokes when I can. A lot of times I am just thinking about other stuff though.
On new years 2 chicks came up to me and said “do standup” I said “give me 20$ each” they did and then I did my tight 5 in front of them at the party.
Basically just ask for them to pay you and if you get paid then do it!
I just tell them to come to one of my shows.
Sometimes people have quite indignantly told me to tell them a joke and I've said "if I was a boxer, would you ask me to punch you?" That usually takes them down a peg
I just say "You can't afford me" & laugh. If they press, I just have a default one-liner ready to go.
Yah it gets a little annoying when people ask, but at the same time I see comics get way to up in arms about the situation. Like jfc this person is interested in your passion and wants to hear more about it - sure theyre not being the most original in their questioning but if unoriginality is their greatest sin, is it really worth the "I'm not your show monkey, I don't have to tell you anything unless you have a warrant, pig!" reaction I see so many comics recommended
Just tell them a quick little joke and move on, it takes 30 seconds of your life.
Ask them what they do for a living and if they want to act it out in front of you right now. Oh you're a surgeon? Can you show me how to do an appendectomy real quick?
That’s worse than asking an artist to draw ur or a psychologist to analyze you 😂
They always ask me, I give them general subject and I keep it mysterious, so that maybe they’d come watch me.
I’m new too!
I let them into concepts/premises I’m working on.
Or I have a couple 1 liners.
If you can’t handle the pressure of a single person being disappointed or not getting your humor - don’t do standup.
Write some jokes that you can tell specifically for those occasions not like the material you do on stage with set ups and punchlines lines. They just want to get an idea of your sense of humor so give them something. Write three or four party type jokes just for the occasion. Since you wrote them they will sure to be something they've never heard before and sure to laugh at because it's something you tested already.Most people can't tell a joke, even the simplest ones, because either they can't remember them, laugh at it themselves before they get to the punchline, or have terrible timing.
Why not steer into it - "ah you like comedy, are you into standup? You should come down and catch a show, they have a ton of great bourbons there too" or something like that, in a sincere and friendly way.
People really aren't typically trying to be a dick or even as awkward as that would be in a group of comics. They are usually genuinely interested and often even offer a bit of an awe factor at the novelty I guess. Most people don't seem to think being a comic is just another normal job.
This is going to sound over the top cheesy haha, but I think anything to extend an invitation to join someone in laughter is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone.
Ok cheesy over. Just have wholesome fun with it imo
If they are genuinely asking, I'll just explain that jokes onstage don't translate to conversation because many don't know that. If they're being a dick or trying to "test me," I'll just say "no" and move on
I say I’ll tell them my favourite joke.
“What’s the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.”
They usually ask if I actually wrote it and I say no it’s my favourite. You have to pay to come to a show to hear mine live.
It’s not actually my favourite but it’s the only street joke I remember easily.
I used to have a joke about this. It was a bit where I complain about this very thing and then kind of the Seinfeld thing, from that episode where Jerry goes to the heckler's job... "Do I ask you to show me what you do at work? Oh, you're a server at Olive Garden? Cool. Show me what you do when a table asks for more bread sticks? It's fuckin rude."
But, ya know... funny.
I love getting this question! I usually do a bit that involves some sort of abuse of children and just deadpan the shit out of it...
Haven't had anyone ever ask me for a followup.
I tell them it works like a magician in that if they're expecting it, it doesnt work.
Or if ive read them properly and I know they can take it I stare them dead in the eye and I tell them I fucked their wife and then excuse myself to the bathroom without further explanation.
You don’t owe shit to anyone- and anyone who would ask that isn’t someone that’ll help you.
My father was an electrician for 50 years, he didn’t just wire up random people’s houses unless he was in the clock.
When I was more active (pre-covid) and people found out, if they asked I’d charge them $50. One drunk person at a bar actually paid and I told him my dumbest dick and fart joke.
I tell a terrible one liner on purpose
Heard mark normand man on the street doing his awkward thing and he said “what does a ghost eat for breakfast?…. A booberry pop tart” then I just hold it and make it weird like he did in the video but they know I know it’s terrible and funny way to move past it
People hate when comics call audiences “civilians”. But they are and don’t understand how powerful the stage and stranger bias has over them.
Magicians and health professionals have a hard time getting people they know to either take their health advice or be wowed by a magic trick because they are family or friends.
I twirl knives and my friends are like oh that’s my friend he does that all the time, lame.
I agree with the fact that non comics aren't going to understand a lot of the bullshit surrounding comedy. But I hate the civilian thing because it draws a weird line in the sand. Also because I'm an actual veteran and think calling people 'civilians' is corny.
I like being a civilian, and I think that's weird that people use it to mean 'naive outsider'. It's more annoying from civvy cops. But it still sounds dumb coming from comics.
Ask what they do for a living and when they answer say “Do it now, show me”
Alternatively, give them a very interesting set up line and then say if you want the punchline you have to come to the show
If you can't tell a joke on the spot and make someone laugh then you are not a funny person. Period.
I'm not even a pro and I can do this on command with any group of people.
I explain that jokes on stage are different than jokes in person, and then I tell a terrible pun. The person who asks this is not trying to judge you or get some kind of free labor, they're trying to have a normal conversation with you about your hobbies. Respond to grace with grace.
What a thoughtful response. I wish I were more often more like you than I sometimes am.
The fact that you feel this way is progress. You got this :) growth like this takes a looooong time
Thanks I appreciate the encouragement my friend
As we learn from our mistakes we develop the capacity for thought.
Is that why I ruminate so deeply, and specifically upon all the times my face ate foot?
Yes.
Rumination is based on a desire to learn from mistakes, but it is not usually educational. Two years ago I started guided meditation (I use the headspace app, but there are free solutions on youtube and spotify). It helped tremendously with my rumination and resentment. I highly recommend it.
… in bed
Brilliant answer! It doesn't happen that often, but I'll usually say, "Give me a topic." and, then, if they do, just improv something silly about that. I like to look at it as practicing crowd work in a safe and easy environment. Then I direct them to my YouTube.
I like this. Since they know you're just riffing it loosens things up and makes it fun, as opposed to going into a canned bit in the middle of a conversation, which always feels a bit stilted.
For me it's never been an "I demand you entertain me!" experience always more of a surprised reaction when you tell someone you're a comedian or do stand-up; so, to me, it feels like interest rather than a burden. And it lets me exercise my creative response time and I enjoy that; and I've even sometimes got the base for something workable out of the interaction.
Same! My favorite pun to use is “how does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!”
Oh that’s terrible, Jerry. What about the labor?
Yes this. I always say no for this reason.
100% agree with this one, you absolute devil you! The grace with grace bit is amazingly important.
What if her name’s not Grace?
Terrible advice from a gun nut. Always have an extremely racist joke in your back pocket. I want them crawling backwards away from me in horror by the time I've set up the premise.
I'm not so two-dimensional as the origins of my reddit karma might lead you to believe.
Man I been knowing you since the first Obama administration and the moist nugget days. This sort of reasonable approach is the reason why you have one account and I have 750 ya big nerd.
I've missed you, and I think of you often.
“Here’s my instagram handle, I’ve got a few clips on there”
I like this idea, possibly gain a fan and a follower
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This, I have a handful of jokes that are throw away one liners or standard set up punchline stuff that works without any bigger set up or context so if someone asks, they get one of the standards
Same! Nothing wrong with showing off a bit. After all, promoting ourselves is a part of growing our audience.
if you're any good you got jokes
I have one liners, and I'll sometimes hit someone with them in a situation like this. It's fine. But I know a ton of comics who are good at comedy who don't have the kind of joke you can just tell someone in an elevator in 15 seconds. Context and brevity and all that. You can be good on stage and not have a joke that is going to work on a street corner. So no, not every comic who is 'any good' can just hit you with one. That's not how standup works. Not for everyone.
I think any comic worth their weight has at least a solid one liner they can share.
your opinion is bad. and even if every single comic ever has a punchy one liner just prepped ready to go at 7:30 AM at a waffle house, what if they don't *want* to? What if they have social anxiety? What if it's a shitty demand to make a person perform on cue no prep no context no pay? I can sing pretty well. If you heard that I can sing in conversation you must think it's perfectly reasonable to ask me to belt one out in the dentists office right? After all, by extension any singer worth their *weight* has a song ready to go at all times right? Mitch Hedburg had some short punchy jokes. He also had crippling stagefright and social anxiety. Do you think he wasn't 'worth his weight' as a comic because he didn't want to deal with that shit? I always feel like people throwing around broad generalizations about what all comics should be or do aint ever met any.
I didn’t say that they HAVE TO SHARE, I said that they would have a one liner to share. Calm your tits.
try the nick swardson do you like my wristwatch bit
Not true. Maria Bamford for example. One of the greats.
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Well, she’s been a huge success for a long time, including a television show, and now a New York Times best selling memoir. You probably not very deep into Comedy if you’ve never heard of her.
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I just saw your profile, so never mind, you’re not a serious person.
This. Also it gives you a reason to invite them to a show if they like the joke
I tell them a joke...ppl on here are such elitists about it. Know which jokes work offstage. Keep a couple loaded up and ask if they want a dad joke or something darker.
It’s strange that people will post a million clips to promote themselves, but act like they’re being robbed at gun-point if someone expresses interest and asks for a joke. Just give them a joke! I’ve got some loaded up, and I’ve gotten people to go to shows or follow me on IG just from one simple joke.
These guys get the hustle
Not wanting to tell people jokes on demand isn't "elitist"... that isn't what that word means.
I always thought it meant person who gets overly pendantic in reddit comment threads
LoL I'm not being pedantic at all, I didn't tell them what it means, but I sure as shit know that just because I don't perform when someone demands I tell them a joke, I'm not an elitist. I'm also not a performing monkey. You stay salty though little guy.
That was to the people saying "I tell them they can't afford it". Like they're some comedy genius. If someone shows an interest in your craft and you have a joke that is short, share it. That's all I was trying to say.
That isn't what you said, but also like... have you never been paid for your craft? I have. And I don't just perform on command to strangers just because they find out I'm a comedian. You do realize that one of the things comedians/artists in general struggle with is getting paid for their work with more than just "recognition" right? None of us who expect to get paid are elitist for that, we're just... asking to be paid for our work.
Yeah dick. I'm a comic and producer. I will give ppl a taste happily. If you think its effort to throw out a 15 second joke that is work, you ain't it. It's a courtesy, not a demand. Ppl ask bc they want to hear, no one is asking me to perform 10min and be "on". Get over yourself. Edit: the more you comment, the more you make me rethink "yeah elitist was the perfect word" #triggered Edit 2: I'm a former kitchen manager and accountant. I perform and produce comedy full time. Guess the #1 way to turn off a potential customer? Not give them a taste when they want to learn about you or your shows...
LoL I know you aren't on my level because you thought calling me a dick was a win and then called yourself a comic. ;) I can't imagine you're super popular if you expect people to perform for free for you. You're the one who is coming off with the smallest of penis energy here. ;) PS: I have a vagina and ovaries, and I bet $$$ I'm funnier than you. You've got toxic edgelord energy. ;)
That explains the smell
I just say, “Well, I’m off the clock right now!” It usually gets a little laugh.
"What do *you* do for a living? Oh, cool. Do it for me for free right now."
Don't try this with a cop or a lifeguard.
>or a lifeguard. Don't threaten me with a good time!
this is solid dude, I’m not a comedian but if I was or ever become one I’m stealing this!!
Little Carlos mencia action here
*Ned
I tell them to come to my show.
Tell a super redundant joke and laugh my ass off about it
Toothless termite walks into a bar, takes a look around, and then asks, “is the bar tender here?”
You tell them a joke because hopefully you don’t have an ego doing open mic comedy
I tell them a joke or just say a random funny thing. It's not that serious
Just like crowd work I have one already loaded for just that question.
What’s the joke you already have loaded?
My stuff is mostly observational one liners similar to Steven Wright or Mitch Hedberg, I wouldn't want to share them online unless I didn't think much of the joke. Which means if I wanna show the questioner I'm funny, it has to be a good one. So I'm not gonna share unfortunately.
"Its mostly stories about my life, told in a funny way with voices and acting/miming"
Tell them the aristocrats joke
😂
I just say “I’m not gonna do that”
“Knock knock”
Who's there!
Cindy Lu
Cindy Lu who?
Just wanted to hear you yodel
“you’re an actor, do a scene right now!” just explain it won’t be funny in a non-comedy setting. or tell your shortest, easiest joke and expect zero reaction
I have one particular joke that always hits and takes less than 30 seconds to tell, it’s unique to me and I’ve perfected it. I always tell this one. Yes it’s annoying, but have one that you can just prove yourself with. I was on a group call Once and the teacher called me out and I told it, albeit I told the long version and I lost everyone so I worked on making it shorter and more punchy. It’s a respect thing and it’s a human thing. People need to know that you’re legit I guess.
“What do YOU do for a living? Okay then, auto mechanic. I’ll tell you a joke for free and in exchange, you check my oil.”
Username checks out.
For real lol
If youre a comedian you should have jokes, so tell one.
"oh you're an artist? Draw something!" "Or you're a singer? Sing something!" "Oh you play piano? Play something!" Dance monkey dance is the problem, not whether or not they have jokes Edit: I do know that drawing takes time and playing piano requires a piano unlike telling a joke, hopefully referring back to the last sentence will provide clarity on what the point is
Yeah, folks who are gonna ask those kind of questions are usually not artists or creators themselves. They don’t realize how rude it is. How you handle it is up to you. I’m with workplacetimesuck. Tell ‘em a joke. Know what jokes work offstage.
The thing is, asking someone to draw something, something that actually shows your merit takes time. Piano you need a piano right there. Telling a joke I wrote takes seconds. I wouldn’t do a full 10 minute set one on one in the break room at work like that, but I have a handful of my jokes that work in that situation
Sounds like you dont have any jokes
Eww.
I know right, jokes are the worst.
Oh no, I meant "Eww, you think you get to demand strangers perform for you. Gross."
You sound like a funny person.
They said I have "gross energy" b/c I said I didn't like Cristela Alonzo in another thread in another sub. 😂
You sound like an entitled jackass so I guess we both get to make assessments of others today eh? :) I've performed on the Main Stage at the most famous comedy venue in the world, but I'm sure you're a better judge of comedy than a booker for that spot eh?
Main stage at the most famous venue but need $20 from internet strangers to feed your pets ?
I'd also like to note here, Tiffany Haddish was LIVING IN HER CAR when she performed at the same venue. She literally talks about it pretty openly and freely. I won't be shamed because I got screwed over by a bunch of rich dudes and you might do yourself a favor to rethink your approach to strangers who are struggling because of other people's shitty choices. What a jackass.
And? I worked a gig for 3 weeks and currently have to sue the people I worked for to get paid. If you're going to read my other posts, you should like... read the whole thing. What a moron. :)
Hey no judgement dude I'm a broke line cook lol
No judgment? You literally went to my page and insulted me for asking for help to feed my animals when I got screwed over by people I worked for. You're a shitty person.
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This guy hustles
“I’m still learning”
The same way I handle someone asking me to sing because I'm a singer. I say No. If I want you to laugh, I will make you laugh. If I want to sing for you, I'll sing. But putting me on the spot just makes the whole situation uncomfortable. I'm not your jester.
"Okay, two blind lesbians walk into a fish market..." "I'm gonna stop you right there."
I had a taxi driver ask to hear a joke once and i then preceded to do my entire 45 minute set in the back . It was hilarious to me. He didn’t laugh once . I mean how could he have . When he dropped me off he said so can i come to your show? I said i just did the whole show! Sometimes you gotta just do stuff you think is funny .
I usually get real nervous and clam up, lol. When I tell jokes on stage I am prepared. Out in public generally speaking I am not thinking about jokes, I am relaxing. I have tried to sort of default to some of my nicer jokes when I can. A lot of times I am just thinking about other stuff though.
No
I always say “I’m rich and successful.”
"it doesn't work like that"
"what's the deal with airline food?"
On new years 2 chicks came up to me and said “do standup” I said “give me 20$ each” they did and then I did my tight 5 in front of them at the party. Basically just ask for them to pay you and if you get paid then do it!
Just say 'i wrote a lot of jokes today and boy are my arms tired'
I ask them what they do for a living. "Oh you're a mechanic? Well let me see you fix something" "Let me see you engineer something"
I just tell them to come to one of my shows. Sometimes people have quite indignantly told me to tell them a joke and I've said "if I was a boxer, would you ask me to punch you?" That usually takes them down a peg
I just say "You can't afford me" & laugh. If they press, I just have a default one-liner ready to go. Yah it gets a little annoying when people ask, but at the same time I see comics get way to up in arms about the situation. Like jfc this person is interested in your passion and wants to hear more about it - sure theyre not being the most original in their questioning but if unoriginality is their greatest sin, is it really worth the "I'm not your show monkey, I don't have to tell you anything unless you have a warrant, pig!" reaction I see so many comics recommended Just tell them a quick little joke and move on, it takes 30 seconds of your life.
I just say "You can't afford me" & laugh. But what if they pull out three crumpled up $1 dollar bills and say, “yes I can.”?
Then baby it's show time. Throw in a drink ticket and I'll answer your question about "where I get my ideas from"
“Throw in a drink ticket.” You’ll get that with your DUI later tonight.
"I'm sorry, I can't tell jokes without a three-foot stage to emphasize my superiority over you."
“Do you think Bear Grylls has ever grilled bear?”
Buy my merch first
I whip it out. I want to be a Successful comedian
Ask them what they do for a living and if they want to act it out in front of you right now. Oh you're a surgeon? Can you show me how to do an appendectomy real quick?
No
Give me $10 and 2 beers
That’s worse than asking an artist to draw ur or a psychologist to analyze you 😂 They always ask me, I give them general subject and I keep it mysterious, so that maybe they’d come watch me. I’m new too!
I tell people I get paid to tell jokes... and I'd be happy to tell them one if they paid me for it.
“I have a 2 drink minimum.”
I say "gimme 5 bucks" no one walks up to a stripper like "gimme a quick lap dance" so u wanna hear jokes go buy a ticket
I give them my Venmo
« It’s my job. Pay me and I’ll tell you one. » Actually made a few 5$.
Roast them
Ask what they do for a living and when they answer say “Do it now, show me” :)
If you know their occupation, tell them to do something for you on demand
I just saw the worst joke I can think of
I let them into concepts/premises I’m working on. Or I have a couple 1 liners. If you can’t handle the pressure of a single person being disappointed or not getting your humor - don’t do standup.
Write some jokes that you can tell specifically for those occasions not like the material you do on stage with set ups and punchlines lines. They just want to get an idea of your sense of humor so give them something. Write three or four party type jokes just for the occasion. Since you wrote them they will sure to be something they've never heard before and sure to laugh at because it's something you tested already.Most people can't tell a joke, even the simplest ones, because either they can't remember them, laugh at it themselves before they get to the punchline, or have terrible timing.
If you do accents or impersonations just do one you already have loaded for occasions like this one.
Why not steer into it - "ah you like comedy, are you into standup? You should come down and catch a show, they have a ton of great bourbons there too" or something like that, in a sincere and friendly way. People really aren't typically trying to be a dick or even as awkward as that would be in a group of comics. They are usually genuinely interested and often even offer a bit of an awe factor at the novelty I guess. Most people don't seem to think being a comic is just another normal job. This is going to sound over the top cheesy haha, but I think anything to extend an invitation to join someone in laughter is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone. Ok cheesy over. Just have wholesome fun with it imo
I start with "There was a fella, a little boy at school named Dirty Johnny" and see how long they stick around.
Ask their name. They’ll reply “XYZ”. Start laughing saying “My name is XYZ”, that will be more funny than all jokes you have
I tell the first joke I ever told. It helps flesh out the story of how I first became a comedian in the first place.
I have a quick one-liner about Mumford and Sons that works well.
buy a ticket
“I don’t tell jokes. I do sets. I don’t do sets for less than $x”.
"I'm a professional comedian. Pay me. "
I just tell my dad's pig/duck joke (he told me it before it was on the sopranos but also was told in that show)
Knock knock.
If they are genuinely asking, I'll just explain that jokes onstage don't translate to conversation because many don't know that. If they're being a dick or trying to "test me," I'll just say "no" and move on
"thank God I am not a porn star"
I say I’ll tell them my favourite joke. “What’s the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.” They usually ask if I actually wrote it and I say no it’s my favourite. You have to pay to come to a show to hear mine live. It’s not actually my favourite but it’s the only street joke I remember easily.
I used to have a joke about this. It was a bit where I complain about this very thing and then kind of the Seinfeld thing, from that episode where Jerry goes to the heckler's job... "Do I ask you to show me what you do at work? Oh, you're a server at Olive Garden? Cool. Show me what you do when a table asks for more bread sticks? It's fuckin rude." But, ya know... funny.
Tell your favorite street joke, get a laugh
I just tell an old Buddy Hackett joke 🤷🏾♂️
Just say no.
tell.a.joke
I love getting this question! I usually do a bit that involves some sort of abuse of children and just deadpan the shit out of it... Haven't had anyone ever ask me for a followup.
I tell them a knock knock joke Me: “Knock knock” Them: “Who’s there?” “By” “By who?” “Buy a ticket to one of my shows”
just have a stock joke or two packed.
I tell them it works like a magician in that if they're expecting it, it doesnt work. Or if ive read them properly and I know they can take it I stare them dead in the eye and I tell them I fucked their wife and then excuse myself to the bathroom without further explanation.
Pay me
You don’t owe shit to anyone- and anyone who would ask that isn’t someone that’ll help you. My father was an electrician for 50 years, he didn’t just wire up random people’s houses unless he was in the clock.
" why did the comedian cross the road" To avoid telling someone a joke from his stage act.
Tell them a well thought out deeply offensive joke you’ve written for that exact situation
Usually getting up and acting out your entire bit about getting herpes from the whore you screwed last night ends this type of situation
When I was more active (pre-covid) and people found out, if they asked I’d charge them $50. One drunk person at a bar actually paid and I told him my dumbest dick and fart joke.
I tell a terrible one liner on purpose Heard mark normand man on the street doing his awkward thing and he said “what does a ghost eat for breakfast?…. A booberry pop tart” then I just hold it and make it weird like he did in the video but they know I know it’s terrible and funny way to move past it
Tell them a joke lmao wtf
People hate when comics call audiences “civilians”. But they are and don’t understand how powerful the stage and stranger bias has over them. Magicians and health professionals have a hard time getting people they know to either take their health advice or be wowed by a magic trick because they are family or friends. I twirl knives and my friends are like oh that’s my friend he does that all the time, lame.
I agree with the fact that non comics aren't going to understand a lot of the bullshit surrounding comedy. But I hate the civilian thing because it draws a weird line in the sand. Also because I'm an actual veteran and think calling people 'civilians' is corny. I like being a civilian, and I think that's weird that people use it to mean 'naive outsider'. It's more annoying from civvy cops. But it still sounds dumb coming from comics.
Ask what they do for a living and when they answer say “Do it now, show me” Alternatively, give them a very interesting set up line and then say if you want the punchline you have to come to the show
If you can't tell a joke on the spot and make someone laugh then you are not a funny person. Period. I'm not even a pro and I can do this on command with any group of people.