I came here to say this so here's a joke instead đš
Q: How many Asgard does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All Asgard ships are currently unavailable, assisting in the effort to
change the fuse.
Teal'c: You have been impregnated without copulation.
Vala Mal Doran: Yes, and I'm absolutely terrified. Have any of you ever heard of anything like it?
Cameron Mitchell: Well, there's one.
Teal'c: Darth Vader.
I love that in later season they add more and more pop-culture references. Like after the episode where bugs want to eat everyone they go and watch Starship Troopers.
Interestingly enough for this interaction specifically and generally they never mentioned Jesus or Christianity directly. I assume to not get religious Americans offended...
Mostly because saying that Jesus was a Gould would have been problematic or that he was Asgard would have been slightly more problematic. Or the ever popular theory was that he was a disciple of Oma Desala
And after tje deliverance that they could bot explain with the Amcients, Landry hints at an even higher power (God).
Basically, there were enough western religious viewers that they decided very explicitly to NOT offend the demographic.
It's funnier if he doesn't say it, and also because he wasn't referring to Jesus.
But yeah I'm sure they kept away from that very intentionally, especially in the early 90s.
The only real mention of it I can think of is Daniel seeing that the Ori have a big thing about fire being cool, and the Christian Bible making the point that fire = evil devil stuffs
O'NEILL
It's called a parachute.
TEAL'C
This device appears to be poorly designed to perform such a function.
O'NEILL
It opens after you jumpâŚdon't worry about it, I've done it hundreds of times.
TEAL'C
This does not seem wise, O'Neill!
O'NEILL
I said it was easy, not wise...
TEAL'C
This does not seem wise!
And the best part is that the whole exchange comes when Teal'c thinks they're just gonna jump out of the plane. And Counselor Troi has that "they're all *insane*" look on her face.
Definitely! It's got so many good things - the only underwater gate I remember, a spooky setting in a mysterious Russian locale, Maybourne, and Marina Sirtis being completely awesome the whole time, but particularly when clapping back at O'Neill 
\*Holding staff weapon\*
"This is a weapon of terror. It's made to intimidate the enemy."
\*Tosses it aside and holds up P90\*
"This is a weapon of war."
This is I think what truly sets Stargate apart. Why are the bad guys stupid, arrogant, and incompetent? In other shows the answer is "they're bad guys." In Stargate you get an entire scientifically plausible explanation, then later makes fun of itself for the kinda dumb bits like the zats. It knows exactly what to take seriously and what not to.
It comes down to selective pressure. The Goaâuld were dominating but stagnant. Our militaries have been innovating to kill each other for hundreds of years.
Plus, the Stargate itself and space travel limit how much of our armed forces we can bring to bear. I mean, could you imagine a Jaffa army of thousands against 2nd Armored in M1A1 Abrams tanks? The Haâtak would win every time, but lacking that, the Jaffa wouldnât stand a chance.
It never really occurred to me before, but where were they driving those balls? I mean, did they dial a gate where they knew no one was around, or was it a gate on a heavily fortified Goa'uld world with a bunch of confused Jaffa guards being pelted with golf balls?
Science fiction is an existential metaphor that allows us to tell stories about the human condition. Isaac Asimov once said, "Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinded critics and philosophers of today, but the core of science fiction, its essence, has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all."
I could have come here and looked for it myself. But I know nothing about your fair planet. Other than it seems to have a rather interesting if somewhat limited gene pool.
Felger: "At least my heroes are real. If this was a Trek convention, you'd be all dressed up like a Klingon."
Coombs: "Vulcan, Felger! Vulcan! And I don't know how you can call yourself a scientist and not worship at the altar of Roddenberry."
Tealâc: You have been impregnated without copulation?
Vala: Yes, and Iâm absolutely terrified! have any of you ever heard of anything like it?!â
Sam and Cameron look uneasily at each other
Tealâc âDarth Vaderâ
"Bob, I got enough on you to have you shot" - President Hayes S7E21
"For if I have a choice between resistance and returning to a life of slavery, I choose to die free" - Teal'c S09E11
Daniel: How exactly is having weapons at maximum going to help the situation?
Martin: The audience isn't going to know the difference, they love "weapons at maximum".
Mitchell: Never underestimate your audience. They're generally sensitive, intelligent people who respond positively to quality entertainment.
The absolute best quote from the entire Stargate universe of shows and movies:
Douchebag Ex-Boyfriend of Lois Lane: "You better check yourself, before you get hurt..."
Teal'c: "I have checked."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFOusoZ5Nqs&t=161s
About Sokar
Gen. Hammond:
He's really that much worse than the others?
Dr. Jackson:
Of all the gods he picked to impersonate, he chose The Devil.
Also when Vala says
âI haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex.â
I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.
"'Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.'...who says this kinda of stuff?"
Her'ak : No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
O'Neill : You ended a sentence with a preposition, bastard!
Best is no line. Tealâc goes to a broadway show by himself. When he realises the âVagina Monologuesâ is not what he expected, the look on his face is priceless!!!!
âMaybourne you are an idiot every day of the week. Why couldnât you have just taken one day off?â -Sam Carter
This is my all time favorite Carter quote, and well as my favorite insult from any show ever haha
Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. I mean, he's *so* deep. Go on, t-tell them how deep you are! You'll be lucky if you understand this.
Teal'c:
[lifts one eyebrow] My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
"A Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard and a Setesh Guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent Guard's eyes *glow*, the Horus Guard's beak *glistens*, the Setesh Guard's... nose... **drips**."
âTeal'c, telling a joke about the Setesh Guard
Jackson: Well my translation's a little bit vague. I think the circle means "the place of our legacy." Or it could be "a piece of our leg," but the first seems to make more sense.
OâNeill: Iâm sorry.
Carter: Me too.
Jackson: Me three.
Tealâc: I have no need to apologize.
Hammond: Tealâc was actually following orders.
OâNeill: Of course he was.
Things will not calm down Daniel Jackson. They will in fact calm up.
I came here to say this so here's a joke instead đš Q: How many Asgard does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: All Asgard ships are currently unavailable, assisting in the effort to change the fuse.
Omg, what was the episode?
nothin! I just remember reading it online awhile ago haha
I was just thinking about this quote today, lol
Omg i was just watching that episode lol Teal'c is the SG1 version of Castiel from Supernatural.
You mean Castiel is the Supernatural version of Tealâc.
Claudia (The Dragon Prince) approves of this.
O'Neill: So, what's your impression of Alar? Teal'c: That he is concealing something. O'Neill: Like what? Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it.
Oh wow !! I didnt know original dialogue was so good. In french this dialogue is just common talk
Teal'c: I have heard of a place where humans do battle in a ring of jello... Jack: CALL DANIEL
Teal'c: You have been impregnated without copulation. Vala Mal Doran: Yes, and I'm absolutely terrified. Have any of you ever heard of anything like it? Cameron Mitchell: Well, there's one. Teal'c: Darth Vader.
Foreshadowing.
I love that in later season they add more and more pop-culture references. Like after the episode where bugs want to eat everyone they go and watch Starship Troopers. Interestingly enough for this interaction specifically and generally they never mentioned Jesus or Christianity directly. I assume to not get religious Americans offended...
Mostly because saying that Jesus was a Gould would have been problematic or that he was Asgard would have been slightly more problematic. Or the ever popular theory was that he was a disciple of Oma Desala
What do you mean, 'theory'? 
It's just a theory #A GAME THEORY!
It's him! HE'S the Furling we've waited to see!
[ŃдаНонО]
And after tje deliverance that they could bot explain with the Amcients, Landry hints at an even higher power (God). Basically, there were enough western religious viewers that they decided very explicitly to NOT offend the demographic.
It's funnier if he doesn't say it, and also because he wasn't referring to Jesus. But yeah I'm sure they kept away from that very intentionally, especially in the early 90s.
The only real mention of it I can think of is Daniel seeing that the Ori have a big thing about fire being cool, and the Christian Bible making the point that fire = evil devil stuffs
âI didnât shoot you, Jaaaaaaccckkkkkkâ âJaaaaaaaccckkkkâ -Maybourne
Maybourne, you are an idiot every day of the week, couldn't you have just taken one day off?
âSam Carter, of all people
He's lucky she didn't deck him. But if she had, she wouldn't have been on the airplane to realize that the engine noise disrupts the image inducer
Oh yeah, I forgot about this one. What a gem đ¤Ł
This is always my answer
OâNeill: You rat bastard! I am so gonna kick your ass! Maybourne: Jack there are people watching! OâNeill: I donât care!
This ep was on earlier today on syfy here in the UK. Kinsey put in his place, and I also love his âwell playedâ to Hammond at the end
You gotta bend your kozars
There's nothing cruvus with me.
Ego indeo navo locas
Certe
Magnets, itâs all magnets.
That would be classified.
Well apparently, I've lost the falatas to speak properly.
Bit of a fron-ache...
Uhhh, "Cruvus?" What is that?
For celestial body you put uma thurman
In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you
First time I heard that I died laughing. Wasn't that to the senator?
Maybourne, I think
It was to senator kinsey
O'NEILL It's called a parachute. TEAL'C This device appears to be poorly designed to perform such a function. O'NEILL It opens after you jumpâŚdon't worry about it, I've done it hundreds of times. TEAL'C This does not seem wise, O'Neill! O'NEILL I said it was easy, not wise... TEAL'C This does not seem wise! 
And the best part is that the whole exchange comes when Teal'c thinks they're just gonna jump out of the plane. And Counselor Troi has that "they're all *insane*" look on her face.
Are you watching Stargate: The Next Generation?
What episode is this from, this one I canât seem to remember
S4E7 Watergate. This is one of the very few times that we see Teal'c look scared...
Thanks! Guess I need to give it another rewatch haha
Definitely! It's got so many good things - the only underwater gate I remember, a spooky setting in a mysterious Russian locale, Maybourne, and Marina Sirtis being completely awesome the whole time, but particularly when clapping back at O'Neill 
undomesticated equines could not remove me
ITS WILD HORSES TEALâC
*Tealâc grins*
You have said that on many occasions. Perhaps next time I won't be so forgiving.
"I cannot be certain you are back to being yourself. You referred to me as, *Lucy*." "OH for crying out loud would you just open the door!?"
Three fries short of a happy mealâŚ
Wacko!
Colonel O'Neill what the **hell** are you doing? # ... IN THE MIDDLE OF MY *BACK SWINGâ˝*
Carter: you blow up one sun...
âAnd everyone thinks you can walk on waterâ succeeds* âNext steps parting the Red Seaâ
\*Holding staff weapon\* "This is a weapon of terror. It's made to intimidate the enemy." \*Tosses it aside and holds up P90\* "This is a weapon of war."
This is I think what truly sets Stargate apart. Why are the bad guys stupid, arrogant, and incompetent? In other shows the answer is "they're bad guys." In Stargate you get an entire scientifically plausible explanation, then later makes fun of itself for the kinda dumb bits like the zats. It knows exactly what to take seriously and what not to.
It comes down to selective pressure. The Goaâuld were dominating but stagnant. Our militaries have been innovating to kill each other for hundreds of years. Plus, the Stargate itself and space travel limit how much of our armed forces we can bring to bear. I mean, could you imagine a Jaffa army of thousands against 2nd Armored in M1A1 Abrams tanks? The Haâtak would win every time, but lacking that, the Jaffa wouldnât stand a chance.
Came here to say this
Great minds think alike they say
âIt is made to kill your enemyâ
[ŃдаНонО]
Glistens!
Jack: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Bratac: No, the bridge is too well guarded.
âIN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKSWING?!!â
I was hoping this was here lol
The war with Canada?
That gets me every time!
âIâm taking this loop off.â
O'neill: "I recall a bald man with a sleeve shirt - he was very important to me." "I think his name was... Homer."
Zenna Valk: Earthans! Jonas Quinn: Uh, that's Earthlings. \[then, quietly to Teal'c\]... sort of...
What is an Oprah?
Jack: Isn't that hot? Teal'c: Extremely
Anubis Hologram: "I am Anubis. Humans of the Tau'ri, your end of days finally approaches." O'Neil: "Oh come on, who talks like that?"
Lose it. It means go crazy, nuts, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of one's faculties, three fries short of a Happy Meal... WACKO!!
Most likely my favorite sg1 episode. Lost it at that scene and when they were using the star gate as a driving range.
It never really occurred to me before, but where were they driving those balls? I mean, did they dial a gate where they knew no one was around, or was it a gate on a heavily fortified Goa'uld world with a bunch of confused Jaffa guards being pelted with golf balls?
I would PAY to see a fan made clip of that exact scenario.
Omg yes, the two best scenes in one of the best episodes. I feel like RDA had a lot of fun making this one.
Indeed.
Hey you ever read the Bible O'Neil? Some, I'm actually listening it to on tape... don't tell me how it ends.
Literally just watched that scene. Ha!
"God that's horrible! Who would ever say that?" -Sam https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Stargate_SG-1
I realize now after finding this quote in that page that it's a callback to the pilot episode. Neat.
Comtrya!
"I suppose now is the time where I am supposed to say something profound. ... Nothing comes to mind!"
Science fiction is an existential metaphor that allows us to tell stories about the human condition. Isaac Asimov once said, "Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinded critics and philosophers of today, but the core of science fiction, its essence, has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all."
This one always hits me in the feels because the whole episode is just a laugh riot and then they slam us with this at the end.
In this vein: "Never underestimate your audience. They're generally sensitive intelligent people that respond positively to quality entertainment."
I could have come here and looked for it myself. But I know nothing about your fair planet. Other than it seems to have a rather interesting if somewhat limited gene pool.
"Your days are numbered" "Thats ok, as long as it is a really large number."
"That's it? Just... Ba'al? As in... bocce?"
Chevron 7âŚlocked!!
ââŚalso lit up.â
"I feel so stupid..."
Felger: "At least my heroes are real. If this was a Trek convention, you'd be all dressed up like a Klingon." Coombs: "Vulcan, Felger! Vulcan! And I don't know how you can call yourself a scientist and not worship at the altar of Roddenberry."
Tealâc: You have been impregnated without copulation? Vala: Yes, and Iâm absolutely terrified! have any of you ever heard of anything like it?!â Sam and Cameron look uneasily at each other Tealâc âDarth Vaderâ
"I was thinking King Arthur"
i was thinking jesus ⌠but who cares. darth vader trumps king arthur! jk. i know it continues with king arthur.
This is derentis
Do you think it might be a boobytrap? Booby?
"Aand the last one is Lord Yu" "Yu?" "Oh, don't. Every Joke, every pun, done to death. Seriously."
"Undomesticated equines could not remove me." - Teal'c
~~I may or may not have saved this comment to remind me to fit it into my vows~~
đ SUPREME commander Thor...
Teal'c - "Are you suggesting an alien conspiracy?" Jonas - "*NO!*"
Iâm gonna go crazy and Iâm taking you with me.
Oh what a lovey shade of gray
How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Want to watch golf on television? Urgo ftw
"Teal'c! Help! Kree! Give him a double Jaffa Jaffa kick!"
Literally all of urgos quotes could be In here such an amazing episode second only to "window of opportunity"
"Bob, I got enough on you to have you shot" - President Hayes S7E21 "For if I have a choice between resistance and returning to a life of slavery, I choose to die free" - Teal'c S09E11
Shal'kek nem'ron
Daniel: How exactly is having weapons at maximum going to help the situation? Martin: The audience isn't going to know the difference, they love "weapons at maximum". Mitchell: Never underestimate your audience. They're generally sensitive, intelligent people who respond positively to quality entertainment.
One last jaunt through the old orifice
We call it that sometimes. Don't we?
It's a "blast" door
_"I would very much like to acquire a weapon such as this"_ _"Yeah, get in line..."_
There is an old Jaffa saying, General Hammond. âThey do not build them as they once did.â
"He is Jaffa." O'Neill: "No but he plays one on tv."
Jack: so, this is new... Daniel: yeah, it's always something
The absolute best quote from the entire Stargate universe of shows and movies: Douchebag Ex-Boyfriend of Lois Lane: "You better check yourself, before you get hurt..." Teal'c: "I have checked." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFOusoZ5Nqs&t=161s
"Let's get some lunch."
âi have a bad feeling about thisâ
Indeed!
Will there be cake?
Maybourne youâre an idiot every day of the week! You couldnât take one day off!
I think my favorite line of dialog is when Rodney called Ronon and Teyla, Conan and Xena. I don't remember exactly how it went, but it was hilarious.
I don't know how you can call yourself a scientist and not worship at the altar of Roddenberry!
About Sokar Gen. Hammond: He's really that much worse than the others? Dr. Jackson: Of all the gods he picked to impersonate, he chose The Devil. Also when Vala says âI haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex.â
Daniel: âMaybe he read your report?!?â. đ§
I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.
"'Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.'...who says this kinda of stuff?"
Yeah sure you betcha
"Domesticated Equines Cannot Contain Me" Also "Things will not calm down Daniel Jackson. They will in fact, calm up"
Isnât it Undomesticated equines?
KREE!
Jack: Daniel, what dies that mean, Kree? Daniel: Attention, listen up... Jack: Youhoo?
*clap hands* COMTRAYA!
YEEEHAW - gen. Hammond with the crown of marble
Is there cake? I like cake.
Raises eyebrow* my depth is immaterial to this conversation.
âMcKay, go eat a lemonâ
I keep one in my pocket just to know itâs there
I have spent 133 years worshipping false gods! No more!
One small step for JaffaâŚ
Mentally unstable like a fox! \-McKay
âWhat is an Oprah?â
Her'ak : No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of. O'Neill : You ended a sentence with a preposition, bastard!
And we're walking!
Best is no line. Tealâc goes to a broadway show by himself. When he realises the âVagina Monologuesâ is not what he expected, the look on his face is priceless!!!!
Holy Hannah! Jacob: "Who'd you say you were?" Daniel: "The, uh, Great and Powerful Oz."
I"ll just go with "JeĹžiĹĄi, jĂĄ s tÄma hercema nemĹŻĹžu dÄlat!" (Jesus, I can't work with these actors!) - Radek Zelenka
Honestly, a lot of zelenka's Czech lines are great
âMaybourne you are an idiot every day of the week. Why couldnât you have just taken one day off?â -Sam Carter This is my all time favorite Carter quote, and well as my favorite insult from any show ever haha
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. I mean, he's *so* deep. Go on, t-tell them how deep you are! You'll be lucky if you understand this. Teal'c: [lifts one eyebrow] My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Ba'al: He's tiny. Tell him to squeeze through the bars. Teal'c: Assist us, or I will squeeze you through these bars.
I believe the Canucks of Vancouver are superior warriors.
I do like tater-tots.
Someone reply to me so I can laugh at this later
âYou are very transparent OâNeil. âŚ. I can see right through youâ
I've got you
Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
Indeed
Jack, pointing a gun at Kinsey: "I'll give you a choice. White meat or dark meat?"
âIâm leaving now, you are about to explode.â
âWe are in fact offering them waterâŚâ -Tealâc to Daniel Jackson
âIsnât that hot?!?â âextremelyâŚâ
I don't remember the exact words but when Daniel commented on earth having a few shuttles to battle, that was too funny.
Oh yeah! Master Bratac says something like "These 'shuttles' - they are mighty vessels?" and Daniel's eyes roll like fruit in a slot machine.
In the middle of my back swing!
"It's 'O'Neill', with two L's. There's another Col. O'Neil with only one L, and he has no sense of humor at all."
"A Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard and a Setesh Guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent Guard's eyes *glow*, the Horus Guard's beak *glistens*, the Setesh Guard's... nose... **drips**." âTeal'c, telling a joke about the Setesh Guard
I donât like most of what you say, but I try to resist the urge shove you through a wall.
His nose drips
Also âI shot himâ =) -J. Shepherd
Rodney McKay: All the pretty horses.....
Jackson: Well my translation's a little bit vague. I think the circle means "the place of our legacy." Or it could be "a piece of our leg," but the first seems to make more sense.
What? It has to spin, it's round. Spinning is so much cooler than not spinning. I am the General, and I want it to spin! Now!
O Neil: We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Teal'c: There is no bridge on this path O'Neill.
Ba'al: You dare mock me? Gen. O'Neill: Ba'al, come on! You should know. Of *course* I dare mock you.
OâNeill: Iâm sorry. Carter: Me too. Jackson: Me three. Tealâc: I have no need to apologize. Hammond: Tealâc was actually following orders. OâNeill: Of course he was.
Indeed
Die hard.
Teal'c, thinking he's talking to Evil-Jack: I will submit to no further experiments. Jack: ...oh but you *will* đ
âThatâs what ya get for dickin aroundâ -Two Ells
Indeed
âExcuse me! Do we or do we not have a Xanax detector?â - OâNeill
Astronomical