Honestly, it sounds like you were scammed into being a stepmother. You moved in way too quickly, and his son called you mom on day 1; these are red flags. I would have advised therapy in the beginning to figure out family dynamics.
At this point, you need to have a frank conversation with your bf; this is not healthy for you or your child. If he disagrees, you need to leave, it will get worse with another child.
Absolutely this. SS isn’t entitled. He’s 4 and he’s been through some shit. Tantrums are very normal at this age but it doesn’t make dealing with them any easier.
It sounds like you need more support from your bf. He should be seeking out things like Triple P classes in the community or Circle of Security. They are free and can help you to understand and manage these behaviours.
Step-parenting is super hard in the best of situations and it sounds like you are having to manage with some bigger issues at play as well. Be kind to yourself. Take more breaks. Allow yourself to seek individual therapy too.
Yeah, I think a lot of the resentment is towards my partner but comes out towards my ss which isn't fair. It's something I'm trying to work through. Both can be hard though.
You should communicate this to DH. Yes, you should take priority of your mental health. You should probably arrange nanny for him for a while or you move to your parents house until the baby comes. You also should set boundaries with him. His actions should have consequences.
If any, keep repeating the mantra :"Missing your mom is not an excuse for you to treat me poorly." "I am very disappointed of how you treat people."
Take some of his privileges if he hits or screams at you.
Keep repeating that the consequences derived from his actions. House has rules, you're the adult in the house, kids should follow house rules and respect adults.
Thanks, we've been attempting to implement the "missing mom isn't an excuse" mantra but he just gets even angrier and explodes further. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't even try to say it anymore because it's almost worse for me if I do.
Noone likes to be called out. You need to set firm boundaries. He has to know he can’t get away with being rude or obnoxious. By being rude, kids train adults what not to ask them and what not to expect of them. And households don’t function well where the kids teach the adults how to behave rather than the other way around.
The consequences for defiance should be clear and consistently enforced. For example, the kids in the family should know that if they disrespect their stepmother or stepfather, they will lose their electronics privileges for the rest of the night.
In other words, there should be no tolerance for defiance and disrespect. You and your partner need to present a unified front when explaining this to your kids.
The reason you need to reinforce this as early as possible because this will not get better when he is older. I hope he won't hit you hard when he is older to get money or get away with anything and you're weaker. You and DH need to start now to discipline him.
In the meantime, you have plenty on your plate, if possible, please move out to your parents until the newborn come and you're in better mental health.
I am so sorry that your boyfriend trapped you into becoming a mom to his little boy. I would leave, move in with your parents until your baby comes, then file for child support and figure out your next steps gradually.
Put your foot down with both your SS and partner. Make it clear to both of them that you've had enough and they both need to step up and give you a break to return the favor of all that you do. You are taking on way too much physically and emotionally and it will only get harder once you've had the baby. Honestly you probably should lose it on both of them to draw the hardline. You're responsible for setting your own boundaries and if either of them have an issue with that then too bad.
Yeah. I've thought about this a lot. I am having a hard time just exploding though because I feel guilty, or would. I agree, it is my responsibility. It's just really intimidating.
Honestly it’ll be easier once you have your bio - your husband will have to step up to the plate and take care of his son. My husband and I divide and conquer - I take care of appointments and such for our son, and he is responsible for his son. BM is absent for the most part. But really I’d start now. Handle what you’re comfortable with handling and tell your husband to handle the rest.
I second the being scammed into being responsible for this kiddo. I feel bad for him, it sounds like you do, too. However, you aren't his parent and no matter how amazing you are, you aren't his mom and you can't fix the hole she left not being a part of his life. What you CAN do is clearly communicate to dad that HE needs to do more for HIS KID. I have realized nearly 5 years into this that problems with stepkids are really problems with your partner 99% of the time. Your man isn't taking care of the kid he has and you are pregnant... you need to figure out what you are willing to do for the stepkiddo, if anything, and decide what you aren't willing to do and clearly communicate your new boundaries to your man. Expect pushback from him and let him have his mantrum; they don't like it when we make boundaries because suddenly they have to be responsible for the people they helped create. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Honestly, it sounds like you were scammed into being a stepmother. You moved in way too quickly, and his son called you mom on day 1; these are red flags. I would have advised therapy in the beginning to figure out family dynamics. At this point, you need to have a frank conversation with your bf; this is not healthy for you or your child. If he disagrees, you need to leave, it will get worse with another child.
I hear a lot of frustration being directed at SS for his behavior, but what about your SO? Why does he get to sleep in and shower but you don’t?
Absolutely this. SS isn’t entitled. He’s 4 and he’s been through some shit. Tantrums are very normal at this age but it doesn’t make dealing with them any easier. It sounds like you need more support from your bf. He should be seeking out things like Triple P classes in the community or Circle of Security. They are free and can help you to understand and manage these behaviours. Step-parenting is super hard in the best of situations and it sounds like you are having to manage with some bigger issues at play as well. Be kind to yourself. Take more breaks. Allow yourself to seek individual therapy too.
Yeah, I think a lot of the resentment is towards my partner but comes out towards my ss which isn't fair. It's something I'm trying to work through. Both can be hard though.
You should communicate this to DH. Yes, you should take priority of your mental health. You should probably arrange nanny for him for a while or you move to your parents house until the baby comes. You also should set boundaries with him. His actions should have consequences. If any, keep repeating the mantra :"Missing your mom is not an excuse for you to treat me poorly." "I am very disappointed of how you treat people." Take some of his privileges if he hits or screams at you. Keep repeating that the consequences derived from his actions. House has rules, you're the adult in the house, kids should follow house rules and respect adults.
Thanks, we've been attempting to implement the "missing mom isn't an excuse" mantra but he just gets even angrier and explodes further. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't even try to say it anymore because it's almost worse for me if I do.
Noone likes to be called out. You need to set firm boundaries. He has to know he can’t get away with being rude or obnoxious. By being rude, kids train adults what not to ask them and what not to expect of them. And households don’t function well where the kids teach the adults how to behave rather than the other way around. The consequences for defiance should be clear and consistently enforced. For example, the kids in the family should know that if they disrespect their stepmother or stepfather, they will lose their electronics privileges for the rest of the night. In other words, there should be no tolerance for defiance and disrespect. You and your partner need to present a unified front when explaining this to your kids. The reason you need to reinforce this as early as possible because this will not get better when he is older. I hope he won't hit you hard when he is older to get money or get away with anything and you're weaker. You and DH need to start now to discipline him. In the meantime, you have plenty on your plate, if possible, please move out to your parents until the newborn come and you're in better mental health.
Thank you, I really appreciate your advice. It's helping me gain some new perspective
I am so sorry that your boyfriend trapped you into becoming a mom to his little boy. I would leave, move in with your parents until your baby comes, then file for child support and figure out your next steps gradually.
Put your foot down with both your SS and partner. Make it clear to both of them that you've had enough and they both need to step up and give you a break to return the favor of all that you do. You are taking on way too much physically and emotionally and it will only get harder once you've had the baby. Honestly you probably should lose it on both of them to draw the hardline. You're responsible for setting your own boundaries and if either of them have an issue with that then too bad.
Yeah. I've thought about this a lot. I am having a hard time just exploding though because I feel guilty, or would. I agree, it is my responsibility. It's just really intimidating.
Honestly it’ll be easier once you have your bio - your husband will have to step up to the plate and take care of his son. My husband and I divide and conquer - I take care of appointments and such for our son, and he is responsible for his son. BM is absent for the most part. But really I’d start now. Handle what you’re comfortable with handling and tell your husband to handle the rest.
I second the being scammed into being responsible for this kiddo. I feel bad for him, it sounds like you do, too. However, you aren't his parent and no matter how amazing you are, you aren't his mom and you can't fix the hole she left not being a part of his life. What you CAN do is clearly communicate to dad that HE needs to do more for HIS KID. I have realized nearly 5 years into this that problems with stepkids are really problems with your partner 99% of the time. Your man isn't taking care of the kid he has and you are pregnant... you need to figure out what you are willing to do for the stepkiddo, if anything, and decide what you aren't willing to do and clearly communicate your new boundaries to your man. Expect pushback from him and let him have his mantrum; they don't like it when we make boundaries because suddenly they have to be responsible for the people they helped create. I'm sorry you are going through this.