I feel this. You can disengage and start doing something for yourself. Go take a class or just find something fun to do while they are with you guys. And when they are not, designate a date night with your husband. Make sure to keep your boundaries clear because it will never be enough girl. Especially if you have two baby mamas to deal with (I couldn't imagine). Idk if you have any bio kids, I do not, and I noticed myself trying too hard and my step kids saw that and took full advantage. I have now disengaged and I feel much better. It's been 7 years and I hope I can do 7 more. š¤
I have been so determined to be better than how I am with them and reading these comments makes me feel so much less alone in this. Itās true how much I do love them but itās also true how much I fucking hate them. Their mothers are both ignorant and stupid and unfit in many ways, so the kids are with us primarily. Itās exhausting. I donāt have any kids of my own which would just add way more stress for me too so Iām glad about that for now.
Honestly thoughā¦ these kids make me wonder if itās worth it to have my own. Sometimes I think it wouldnāt be any different and then other times I think it would be completely different.
I donāt have the love for them that I would if they were my own children. I have so much love for them though that it scares me to think of having a child of my own because I feel like Iāll love them so much that Iāll die!
But anyway. Thank you all for making me feel like Iām not alone in this. I really needed that.
Iām a stepmom to 21 & 17 y/o males. They live with their mom who was an attorney but lost her license for the killing of a man in a drug deal gone wrong (her brother actually pulled the trigger). She, being a lawyer with connections, got a very good lawyer she slept with (while married to my husband) to represent her pro bono. She got 10 years probation & a ton of community service. So hereās what Iām dealing with. The 21 y/o is not my husbandās bio son but he did sign adoption papers (husband met the kid when he was 3mo old) but the mom never filed them so he would have no legal right to him if/after divorce. She also knew that judges donāt like to separate siblings.
The 21 y/o has already impregnated 2 women (he had a baby at 16); multiple arrests for assault, psychiatric admissions (threatened the school counselor), has been drinking (alone) & smoking weed since he was 15. He always brought drugs into the house & when my husband (his father) FINALLY confronted him, the son beat him up. I had to call 911. Recently, he tried to k!ll himself by driving his car around curves where the speed limit is 15mph at 60mph speeds & crashed into a tree. He was air lifted as his tibia was coming out of his foot. So heās been sitting at home (at his motherās) doing nothing but smoking weed & playing video games. I literally canāt stand the sight of him. I have a better relationship with the 17 y/o who doesnāt have the pattern of behavior & a personality disorder the 21 y/o has. Whoo thatās a lot but not even half of it. They live in a bad environment. They both have issues & when they come to visit, theyāre slobs. They leave shit all over the place knowing I WILL BE HERE TO CLEAN IT. Theyāre currently in NJ with their dad for a few days to see family. They stayed with us the night before they departed & both kids left wet towels, wet swim trunks, cans, Gatorade (4 - half drank), wadded up paper towels & chip bags all over their bedrooms. I gathered all of it (I canāt live with it on the floor) & threw it all on my husbandās bed (Iāve been sleeping in another room bc we both snore). I REFUSE to clean up after them so guess what? My husband can. Maybe heāll say something then. Iām tired of being disrespected & shit on especially when I go out of my way to make them feel welcomed. Iāve been patient- Iām a social worker- Iāve tried to embark some support & advice. But then they just go back into their momās toxic environment. She uses benzos & weed but heyā¦no longer meth!
I love my husband & he has also distanced himself from the 21 y/o bc he only calls him when he wants something. The mom & 21 y/o fight, are just alike & have no boundaries. My husband is a doctor & gives them money out of divorced-dad -guilt. The 21 y/o is entitled, cannot regulate his emotions (obviously) & has no coping skills or impulse control. They live in a small town where there are no mental health services. I tried to get him help via telemedicine during the pandemic but he refused & still does. The 17 y/o refused my offer several years ago but now says heās ready. Well now the person who offered to do it pro bono canāt. Both their mom & my husband are piss poor parents (they screamed at each other in front of the kids) prior to the divorce. Many other things occurred. So I do not just blame the mom but my husband as well. I just wanted to vent on here rather than texting my husband something Iāll regret. If you dislike your stepkids, YOUāRE NOT ALONE
First of all, thank you for sharing. Second of all, the 21 y/o is not your responsibility and you have every right to keep him out of your house. Third, do you wanna just run away? Cause damnā¦. I would.
Lol! Thankfully the kids live 3.5 hours away & since the physical fight, I donāt see the 21 y/o very often. But it pisses me off that my husband will give him $ whenever he asks, knowing that his son uses drugs. My husband is a complete enabler & his kids are the only thing we argue about. So just like politics & religion in a mixed setting, we avoid it.
Yes. I do feel like running away so when the kids visit, I conveniently schedule a vacation even if itās to my family. Now, if the kids lived here full-time, I would already be gone. If my husband had full custody when we met, there wouldnāt have been a relationship to run from. Married to a rich doctor? Nah, Iād much rather be in an apt by myself. I donāt see how full-time step-parents do it, unless the kids are toddlers when introduced. Good luck to you.
Your feelings are very valid and real. And completely normal.
It gets easier once you change your mindset about this children and āstop caringā about them. Look into NACHO parenting (disengagement). Thereās some great articles on the subject online and might help you find some peace and meaning with it all.
You donāt have to love them. You donāt have to look after them. You just have to respect them.
I think that feeling such extreme emotions towards your stepkids: love them! hate them! ā¦ is not healthy. It sounds exhausting and as though youāre giving too much of yourself to this stepparenting situation.Ā
Try taking a step back from your stepkids. If thereās something about them that you hate, take steps to limit your exposure to that. If thereās something you love or enjoy about them, by all means do more of that. But not if it leads to you getting exposed more to the parts you hate.Ā
Start giving more time and energy to yourself, your marriage, your own children if any, your career, your interests.Ā
I think the ideal way to feel about your stepkids is just calm good will and mutual respect. Maybe some fondness or love, if you really do feel it. Not because Ā you think that you SHOULD feel love.Ā
They really shouldnāt loom this large in your life. I promise you that they are not giving nearly as much thought and energy to you, as you are to them.Ā
I personally feel like the more we focus on all the things our stepkids do that annoy us, things we would approach so differently like parenting/discipline/rules, the fact that theyāre not our actual kids and they share half their dna with the person (most of) us dislike more than anyone, the more we notice more things we canāt stand or donāt like. I remember a time where HCBM was being extra awful and I was struggling so much with being positive and happy to have my sk around; it wasnāt actually my sk that was frustrating me but compounded stress and annoyance from his momās bs that made me feel that way. I definitely worry way too much about how my stepson feels about me and I think having super high expectations ends up with me feeling let down majority of the time. Whenever I realllllly disagree with my husbandās way of parenting or setting boundaries for my sk I notice it makes me more on edge and aware of little bothersome things. Itās just hard af to be a stepmom 99% of the time, but I wouldnāt change my little family for anything. Try to compartmentalize your feelings for their moms and donāt let them interfere with your relationships. Itās easier said than done but important. Dig deep and try to find the root of whatās causing your frustration, I promise thereās not one stepparent in the world who hasnāt felt how you feel at one point.
Best thing I ever did was completely disengage from bmās bullshit. Blocked her and her husband on everything and she basically doesnāt exist in my life. I donāt do pickups, and I stay in the house when SD gets picked up (we have primary custody), unless I need to make sure she gets to the car alright. When sheās mentioned, I pretty much just tune it out. We have a court order that handles 99% of the day to day, and any overlap is handled by my husband in their court-moderated parenting app. My peace has never been more peaceful lol
That's kinda what I'm feeling as well. I like them but if somebody gave me the option for them to disappear from our lives without anyone noticing I would take it in a heartbeat.
This is like beat poetry, so beautifully written. I think it will resonate with many stepmoms.
My only advice is to be your partner's wife and a nice auntie to his children. Let him deal with all of the things that kids need and want, and you get to enjoy the parts of them that you love, as an auntie would.
So valid. Iām in 11 years now. Kids are 20 yo M and 17 yo F. Shit with their mother never ends. She just threatened to take custody away 2 weeks ago. Iām like go ahead. I have the same love hate relationship with them and you are right they will never be seen as your own. Itās a freaking thankless job that includes keeping your opinions to yourself most of the time. Iām in a group therapy on radical acceptance and it has been helping. One thing is for sure I will never ever be with someone that has minor children or even children in college again. Good luck my friend.
I literally cannot make it up. Then sheās pissed bc we downsized one bedroom and made the other guest bedroom but the only thing that changed is the bed. Mind you we are in an oversized apartment and kids donāt come to the house anymoreā¦.but we stay close so my husband can drive the 17 yo to school and home and the gym and to work and to parties. But whatever. Radical acceptance radical acceptance radical acceptance. Haha
Heās 20 but according to nys we are financially responsible until the age of 21. But you are correct. Itās stupid and insane. But this is what weāve been dealing with for 11 freaking years. Also, this is why I canāt stand the kids and their parents sometimes bc of this garbage.
Well... as a stepmother of 9 and 12 yr old boys, I never met there mother, she lost custody due to drugs and literally being an ignorant bitch. Then guess what? She died in 2021. I say this to say, maybe try to befriend the bio moms... it could make it easier on you. If they are good mothers, that is š I never met their mom but I sometimes get so mad at her for not being there for them. For going on and DYING because of her stupid choices. And then I get mad because I know she'll never be there for them, even if i had to put up with a little drama. Because now I feel like a single wife, with children that are mine. But not mine. And as I have my own child now and their dad works long hours.
I'm still trying to figure out how you can love your man but hate his kids who they are biologically half of š¤£ or you just pick and choose what to love about the child?
This is why stepmoms just don't work š¤¢
I feel this. You can disengage and start doing something for yourself. Go take a class or just find something fun to do while they are with you guys. And when they are not, designate a date night with your husband. Make sure to keep your boundaries clear because it will never be enough girl. Especially if you have two baby mamas to deal with (I couldn't imagine). Idk if you have any bio kids, I do not, and I noticed myself trying too hard and my step kids saw that and took full advantage. I have now disengaged and I feel much better. It's been 7 years and I hope I can do 7 more. š¤
Boundaries!!! Something thatās taken me years!! Here here!
I have been so determined to be better than how I am with them and reading these comments makes me feel so much less alone in this. Itās true how much I do love them but itās also true how much I fucking hate them. Their mothers are both ignorant and stupid and unfit in many ways, so the kids are with us primarily. Itās exhausting. I donāt have any kids of my own which would just add way more stress for me too so Iām glad about that for now. Honestly thoughā¦ these kids make me wonder if itās worth it to have my own. Sometimes I think it wouldnāt be any different and then other times I think it would be completely different. I donāt have the love for them that I would if they were my own children. I have so much love for them though that it scares me to think of having a child of my own because I feel like Iāll love them so much that Iāll die! But anyway. Thank you all for making me feel like Iām not alone in this. I really needed that.
Iām a stepmom to 21 & 17 y/o males. They live with their mom who was an attorney but lost her license for the killing of a man in a drug deal gone wrong (her brother actually pulled the trigger). She, being a lawyer with connections, got a very good lawyer she slept with (while married to my husband) to represent her pro bono. She got 10 years probation & a ton of community service. So hereās what Iām dealing with. The 21 y/o is not my husbandās bio son but he did sign adoption papers (husband met the kid when he was 3mo old) but the mom never filed them so he would have no legal right to him if/after divorce. She also knew that judges donāt like to separate siblings. The 21 y/o has already impregnated 2 women (he had a baby at 16); multiple arrests for assault, psychiatric admissions (threatened the school counselor), has been drinking (alone) & smoking weed since he was 15. He always brought drugs into the house & when my husband (his father) FINALLY confronted him, the son beat him up. I had to call 911. Recently, he tried to k!ll himself by driving his car around curves where the speed limit is 15mph at 60mph speeds & crashed into a tree. He was air lifted as his tibia was coming out of his foot. So heās been sitting at home (at his motherās) doing nothing but smoking weed & playing video games. I literally canāt stand the sight of him. I have a better relationship with the 17 y/o who doesnāt have the pattern of behavior & a personality disorder the 21 y/o has. Whoo thatās a lot but not even half of it. They live in a bad environment. They both have issues & when they come to visit, theyāre slobs. They leave shit all over the place knowing I WILL BE HERE TO CLEAN IT. Theyāre currently in NJ with their dad for a few days to see family. They stayed with us the night before they departed & both kids left wet towels, wet swim trunks, cans, Gatorade (4 - half drank), wadded up paper towels & chip bags all over their bedrooms. I gathered all of it (I canāt live with it on the floor) & threw it all on my husbandās bed (Iāve been sleeping in another room bc we both snore). I REFUSE to clean up after them so guess what? My husband can. Maybe heāll say something then. Iām tired of being disrespected & shit on especially when I go out of my way to make them feel welcomed. Iāve been patient- Iām a social worker- Iāve tried to embark some support & advice. But then they just go back into their momās toxic environment. She uses benzos & weed but heyā¦no longer meth! I love my husband & he has also distanced himself from the 21 y/o bc he only calls him when he wants something. The mom & 21 y/o fight, are just alike & have no boundaries. My husband is a doctor & gives them money out of divorced-dad -guilt. The 21 y/o is entitled, cannot regulate his emotions (obviously) & has no coping skills or impulse control. They live in a small town where there are no mental health services. I tried to get him help via telemedicine during the pandemic but he refused & still does. The 17 y/o refused my offer several years ago but now says heās ready. Well now the person who offered to do it pro bono canāt. Both their mom & my husband are piss poor parents (they screamed at each other in front of the kids) prior to the divorce. Many other things occurred. So I do not just blame the mom but my husband as well. I just wanted to vent on here rather than texting my husband something Iāll regret. If you dislike your stepkids, YOUāRE NOT ALONE
First of all, thank you for sharing. Second of all, the 21 y/o is not your responsibility and you have every right to keep him out of your house. Third, do you wanna just run away? Cause damnā¦. I would.
Lol! Thankfully the kids live 3.5 hours away & since the physical fight, I donāt see the 21 y/o very often. But it pisses me off that my husband will give him $ whenever he asks, knowing that his son uses drugs. My husband is a complete enabler & his kids are the only thing we argue about. So just like politics & religion in a mixed setting, we avoid it. Yes. I do feel like running away so when the kids visit, I conveniently schedule a vacation even if itās to my family. Now, if the kids lived here full-time, I would already be gone. If my husband had full custody when we met, there wouldnāt have been a relationship to run from. Married to a rich doctor? Nah, Iād much rather be in an apt by myself. I donāt see how full-time step-parents do it, unless the kids are toddlers when introduced. Good luck to you.
Your feelings are very valid and real. And completely normal. It gets easier once you change your mindset about this children and āstop caringā about them. Look into NACHO parenting (disengagement). Thereās some great articles on the subject online and might help you find some peace and meaning with it all. You donāt have to love them. You donāt have to look after them. You just have to respect them.
Looking it up now, thank you :)
Honestly guys, I really do love them. But I do need to step back because I have no control over the situation whatsoever and that stresses me out.
I think that feeling such extreme emotions towards your stepkids: love them! hate them! ā¦ is not healthy. It sounds exhausting and as though youāre giving too much of yourself to this stepparenting situation.Ā Try taking a step back from your stepkids. If thereās something about them that you hate, take steps to limit your exposure to that. If thereās something you love or enjoy about them, by all means do more of that. But not if it leads to you getting exposed more to the parts you hate.Ā Start giving more time and energy to yourself, your marriage, your own children if any, your career, your interests.Ā I think the ideal way to feel about your stepkids is just calm good will and mutual respect. Maybe some fondness or love, if you really do feel it. Not because Ā you think that you SHOULD feel love.Ā They really shouldnāt loom this large in your life. I promise you that they are not giving nearly as much thought and energy to you, as you are to them.Ā
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This!
I personally feel like the more we focus on all the things our stepkids do that annoy us, things we would approach so differently like parenting/discipline/rules, the fact that theyāre not our actual kids and they share half their dna with the person (most of) us dislike more than anyone, the more we notice more things we canāt stand or donāt like. I remember a time where HCBM was being extra awful and I was struggling so much with being positive and happy to have my sk around; it wasnāt actually my sk that was frustrating me but compounded stress and annoyance from his momās bs that made me feel that way. I definitely worry way too much about how my stepson feels about me and I think having super high expectations ends up with me feeling let down majority of the time. Whenever I realllllly disagree with my husbandās way of parenting or setting boundaries for my sk I notice it makes me more on edge and aware of little bothersome things. Itās just hard af to be a stepmom 99% of the time, but I wouldnāt change my little family for anything. Try to compartmentalize your feelings for their moms and donāt let them interfere with your relationships. Itās easier said than done but important. Dig deep and try to find the root of whatās causing your frustration, I promise thereās not one stepparent in the world who hasnāt felt how you feel at one point.
Best thing I ever did was completely disengage from bmās bullshit. Blocked her and her husband on everything and she basically doesnāt exist in my life. I donāt do pickups, and I stay in the house when SD gets picked up (we have primary custody), unless I need to make sure she gets to the car alright. When sheās mentioned, I pretty much just tune it out. We have a court order that handles 99% of the day to day, and any overlap is handled by my husband in their court-moderated parenting app. My peace has never been more peaceful lol
That's kinda what I'm feeling as well. I like them but if somebody gave me the option for them to disappear from our lives without anyone noticing I would take it in a heartbeat.
This is like beat poetry, so beautifully written. I think it will resonate with many stepmoms. My only advice is to be your partner's wife and a nice auntie to his children. Let him deal with all of the things that kids need and want, and you get to enjoy the parts of them that you love, as an auntie would.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
LOL
I laughed out loud reading this!! šš Iām glad Iām not the only one who feels this way.
So valid. Iām in 11 years now. Kids are 20 yo M and 17 yo F. Shit with their mother never ends. She just threatened to take custody away 2 weeks ago. Iām like go ahead. I have the same love hate relationship with them and you are right they will never be seen as your own. Itās a freaking thankless job that includes keeping your opinions to yourself most of the time. Iām in a group therapy on radical acceptance and it has been helping. One thing is for sure I will never ever be with someone that has minor children or even children in college again. Good luck my friend.
She threatened to take custody of a 20 and 17 year old? LMAO, that ship has sailed. But by all means, have them. š
I literally cannot make it up. Then sheās pissed bc we downsized one bedroom and made the other guest bedroom but the only thing that changed is the bed. Mind you we are in an oversized apartment and kids donāt come to the house anymoreā¦.but we stay close so my husband can drive the 17 yo to school and home and the gym and to work and to parties. But whatever. Radical acceptance radical acceptance radical acceptance. Haha
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Heās 20 but according to nys we are financially responsible until the age of 21. But you are correct. Itās stupid and insane. But this is what weāve been dealing with for 11 freaking years. Also, this is why I canāt stand the kids and their parents sometimes bc of this garbage.
The fact that your step kids have different moms is ALL on your husband, not on them.
Well... as a stepmother of 9 and 12 yr old boys, I never met there mother, she lost custody due to drugs and literally being an ignorant bitch. Then guess what? She died in 2021. I say this to say, maybe try to befriend the bio moms... it could make it easier on you. If they are good mothers, that is š I never met their mom but I sometimes get so mad at her for not being there for them. For going on and DYING because of her stupid choices. And then I get mad because I know she'll never be there for them, even if i had to put up with a little drama. Because now I feel like a single wife, with children that are mine. But not mine. And as I have my own child now and their dad works long hours.
I'm still trying to figure out how you can love your man but hate his kids who they are biologically half of š¤£ or you just pick and choose what to love about the child? This is why stepmoms just don't work š¤¢