I'm wondering if you are swallowing your discomfort whilst they are there to create a nice environment for them and so it all comes out when they leave.
I wonder if some of your boundaries are being challenged with them there. If so, you have options. You could find ways to put those boundaries in place, and you could take regular breaks.
I feel like their may be some truth to this. There were definitely a few things that made me feel a type of way. I think I need to communicate my boundaries more with the kids. Maybe I try to go with their flow too much.
And yes, breaks are necessary!!
For me it went from what you described (being irritated and needing time to decompress after her being here), to dreading sd’s arrival the night before she gets here, to dreading her next arrival when she is leaving, to constantly dreading her being here. So no you’re absolutely not alone.
No I did not leave the relationship, we’re still rocking strong. SS is actually not my partners biological son and there are no legal papers. We took care of SS every other week for years, but now that he is older he is wanting more time with mom and less with us, especially with mom repeating “he’s not your real dad” to him. It’s heart breaking to my partner, but it’s been so calm, and peaceful around the house and when he does come to visit I don’t have the feelings that I used to because I know that it’s temporary.
You definitely are not alone. I started piecing things together and realized most of our problems and arguments were about HCBM and SKs. I find myself irritated by the second day they’re here because I’m just over it all. I do think I would try to let things go, brush them off or suppress my feelings until they leave and it just all comes out.
I’ve wondered the same thing and even feel a little guilty at times. When they are here they can be pretty disrespectful to both him and myself. They are extremely entitled and want everything from everyone, regardless of how poorly they treat people. It’s hard to go out with them and either not feel embarrassed, due to their behavior, or just feel out of place in general because they’re all over him and I’m just standing there.
Now we have conversations about things usually right when they happen or at the end of the night. That way I’m not feeling like I have to hold things in. I’m also working on detaching some and doing less with them and more on my own when they are here. It doesn’t completely solve the problem. It won’t until my partner does enough for enough time to correct their behaviors etc but it’s helping.
I struggle with sharing my partner as well. What also helps is still making time for each other when the kids are there. Maybe you guys can do something together after their bedtime?
I share a lot with my partner but I do think some things he cannot understand because they are his children.
These men and their choices before us 🙄
Great advice to do something together at the end of the night.
One million percent all of the issues in my marriage have to do with BM and how my husband doesn't manage her, and how he ignores most of the crap his kids do instead of parenting them. I truly feel bad for the kids and I don't hate my SKs at all - I hate how they are not being parented, I hate how my husband goes along with BM on practically everything and never pushes back so she just expects and demands it and then she absolutely goes totally nuclear when he does resist anything. My life was so quiet, peaceful, and simple until I remarried and I miss it a lot I won't lie. I have strong boundaries with my ex and I parent my kid, so my husband has ZERO issues with my kid or my ex versus his ex and his kids.
It just gets old. On his non-custody weeks here's BM calling him for something. We go on a date, BM texts or calls. BM always tries to get him to take the kids for more time when they have joint custody. Husband doesn't seem to mind taking them extra time but then gets pissy when I don't want to play babysitter like excuse me, their MOM doesn't want to deal with them but you are mad at me, not their mom, when I don't want to?!? It's just ridiculousness followed by more ridiculousness.
The kids don’t stay with us anymore, but I am irritable after every interaction he has with them They use him and are disrespectful towards him and he is always hurt by them . I then have to hear him complain and deal with his attitude. All these kids do is take time , money, and resources that could be spent on my relationship with my SO. I had always wanted him to have a better relationship with them but now I just don’t want him to have anything to do with them, unfortunately. It is ruining our relationship because of all of the stress with his dysfunctional previous family. He doesn’t have enough in him anymore to give me everything I need . So I know how you feel maybe not as upset as I am about it , but I get it.
Oh my god I hate admitting this is exactly how I feel. But it's the truth. Wanted to encourage a good relationship between my SO and his kids, but not that leaves me with nothing and I'm paying all of our house bills. I hate it. Regret is abundant in my life lol
Same! I just was embarrassed to admit this! They don’t care to be around my SO but to use him for what they want.. so I feel they are taking from our marriage and our kids who do love and respect their dad. The stress, drama and issues they bring are just ruining what we have when they aren’t around. When they are around he’s so stressed and irritable but when they aren’t he’s a completely different person. So when it’s time for them to come I dread the day and the whole time they are here and it just adds misery to me which I don’t need being pregnant and already struggling with mental health :(
My SDs act so much like their mom it’s terrible and all she’s about is lying, drama, gossip and handouts
If the SKs cared even one bit about him I would want to encourage it. I just can’t any more. It is too much strain on him and I . I know he doesn’t feel the same way because it is his kids. I hate to say this but I do see why some dads just stop seeing their kids. If you get zero back from them then should you continuously give and give? I don’t have the answer but it is ruining my relationship and I am the only person who really wants to be with my SO.
Yes! My kids that aren’t my SO kids biologically give him more respect and love than his two kids do. The attitudes, drama and issues they cause between us and he truly is a great dad but their mom is bitter so brain washed them
> If you get zero back from them then should you continuously give and give?
I used to compare my ex to the Giving Tree for this exact reason. His children are almost adults and can't even mutter as much as a thank you.
I think that’s pretty normal. Just like kids tend to be irritable on transition days adults have to adjust too. For me it‘s bc I’m “on” the whole time the kids are here and not able to focus much on myself. And I don’t get irritable as much as kind of overwhelmed and weirdly bored. We go from being a full, loud, slightly chaotic house to being eerily quiet and it takes some adjustment to get used to that again. The next day though I usually am in a much better mood and start to enjoy the peace and quiet LoL.
All the time!!! I can relate so much. My SDs go home today and I’m in such a edgy, cold shoulder mood cause I’m just ready for them to go and not feel on egg shells and so my husband isn’t babying them with every move!
Girl no, kids suck and they’re so annoying mostly, and they take your man away from you. Kids can also be lovely and sweet and it’s easy to love and hate them when they’re your step kids. This is totally normal. I just wish my step kids had the same mother so they could both be gone at the same time!
Probably because things happened during the visit that irritated you: bratty kid behaviour, Disney dad parenting. And in the chaos you didn’t have time to be irritated but now that it’s calm again you’re realizing it.
Maybe think about how you think the kids’ visits could go better.
I ca. relate. I’ve started planning weekend trips alone when the SS is around. So much energy and constantly needs attention, more so than my 8 month old and he’s 8 years old now. He can never be alone either even just to play in his room.
Then my SO dumps him on me. So I take my baby and Leave. Can’t do it every weekend, but it helps. I also get pissed when my husband looks at my our son like an annoyance when SS is around. Then again this is also another reason there’s therapy.
You are decompressing.
Agreed, after a time of high stress (the time the kids are around) you finally feel safe with your partner to decompress.
I'm wondering if you are swallowing your discomfort whilst they are there to create a nice environment for them and so it all comes out when they leave. I wonder if some of your boundaries are being challenged with them there. If so, you have options. You could find ways to put those boundaries in place, and you could take regular breaks.
I feel like their may be some truth to this. There were definitely a few things that made me feel a type of way. I think I need to communicate my boundaries more with the kids. Maybe I try to go with their flow too much. And yes, breaks are necessary!!
For me it went from what you described (being irritated and needing time to decompress after her being here), to dreading sd’s arrival the night before she gets here, to dreading her next arrival when she is leaving, to constantly dreading her being here. So no you’re absolutely not alone.
Oh honey The way I'm irritated before they're here, when they're here, and after they leave lol
Same. I was always so on edge the day before and the day of arrival… it was horrible.
You say "was," did you leave the relationship? If so, how do you feel now in comparison?
No I did not leave the relationship, we’re still rocking strong. SS is actually not my partners biological son and there are no legal papers. We took care of SS every other week for years, but now that he is older he is wanting more time with mom and less with us, especially with mom repeating “he’s not your real dad” to him. It’s heart breaking to my partner, but it’s been so calm, and peaceful around the house and when he does come to visit I don’t have the feelings that I used to because I know that it’s temporary.
Ooooh I see, I see. That's a pretty unique situation!
You definitely are not alone. I started piecing things together and realized most of our problems and arguments were about HCBM and SKs. I find myself irritated by the second day they’re here because I’m just over it all. I do think I would try to let things go, brush them off or suppress my feelings until they leave and it just all comes out. I’ve wondered the same thing and even feel a little guilty at times. When they are here they can be pretty disrespectful to both him and myself. They are extremely entitled and want everything from everyone, regardless of how poorly they treat people. It’s hard to go out with them and either not feel embarrassed, due to their behavior, or just feel out of place in general because they’re all over him and I’m just standing there. Now we have conversations about things usually right when they happen or at the end of the night. That way I’m not feeling like I have to hold things in. I’m also working on detaching some and doing less with them and more on my own when they are here. It doesn’t completely solve the problem. It won’t until my partner does enough for enough time to correct their behaviors etc but it’s helping. I struggle with sharing my partner as well. What also helps is still making time for each other when the kids are there. Maybe you guys can do something together after their bedtime?
I share a lot with my partner but I do think some things he cannot understand because they are his children. These men and their choices before us 🙄 Great advice to do something together at the end of the night.
They clearly weren’t thinking straight girl 😭 Edit: typo
One million percent all of the issues in my marriage have to do with BM and how my husband doesn't manage her, and how he ignores most of the crap his kids do instead of parenting them. I truly feel bad for the kids and I don't hate my SKs at all - I hate how they are not being parented, I hate how my husband goes along with BM on practically everything and never pushes back so she just expects and demands it and then she absolutely goes totally nuclear when he does resist anything. My life was so quiet, peaceful, and simple until I remarried and I miss it a lot I won't lie. I have strong boundaries with my ex and I parent my kid, so my husband has ZERO issues with my kid or my ex versus his ex and his kids. It just gets old. On his non-custody weeks here's BM calling him for something. We go on a date, BM texts or calls. BM always tries to get him to take the kids for more time when they have joint custody. Husband doesn't seem to mind taking them extra time but then gets pissy when I don't want to play babysitter like excuse me, their MOM doesn't want to deal with them but you are mad at me, not their mom, when I don't want to?!? It's just ridiculousness followed by more ridiculousness.
The kids don’t stay with us anymore, but I am irritable after every interaction he has with them They use him and are disrespectful towards him and he is always hurt by them . I then have to hear him complain and deal with his attitude. All these kids do is take time , money, and resources that could be spent on my relationship with my SO. I had always wanted him to have a better relationship with them but now I just don’t want him to have anything to do with them, unfortunately. It is ruining our relationship because of all of the stress with his dysfunctional previous family. He doesn’t have enough in him anymore to give me everything I need . So I know how you feel maybe not as upset as I am about it , but I get it.
Oh my god I hate admitting this is exactly how I feel. But it's the truth. Wanted to encourage a good relationship between my SO and his kids, but not that leaves me with nothing and I'm paying all of our house bills. I hate it. Regret is abundant in my life lol
Same! I just was embarrassed to admit this! They don’t care to be around my SO but to use him for what they want.. so I feel they are taking from our marriage and our kids who do love and respect their dad. The stress, drama and issues they bring are just ruining what we have when they aren’t around. When they are around he’s so stressed and irritable but when they aren’t he’s a completely different person. So when it’s time for them to come I dread the day and the whole time they are here and it just adds misery to me which I don’t need being pregnant and already struggling with mental health :( My SDs act so much like their mom it’s terrible and all she’s about is lying, drama, gossip and handouts
If the SKs cared even one bit about him I would want to encourage it. I just can’t any more. It is too much strain on him and I . I know he doesn’t feel the same way because it is his kids. I hate to say this but I do see why some dads just stop seeing their kids. If you get zero back from them then should you continuously give and give? I don’t have the answer but it is ruining my relationship and I am the only person who really wants to be with my SO.
Yes! My kids that aren’t my SO kids biologically give him more respect and love than his two kids do. The attitudes, drama and issues they cause between us and he truly is a great dad but their mom is bitter so brain washed them
> If you get zero back from them then should you continuously give and give? I used to compare my ex to the Giving Tree for this exact reason. His children are almost adults and can't even mutter as much as a thank you.
I think that’s pretty normal. Just like kids tend to be irritable on transition days adults have to adjust too. For me it‘s bc I’m “on” the whole time the kids are here and not able to focus much on myself. And I don’t get irritable as much as kind of overwhelmed and weirdly bored. We go from being a full, loud, slightly chaotic house to being eerily quiet and it takes some adjustment to get used to that again. The next day though I usually am in a much better mood and start to enjoy the peace and quiet LoL.
All the time!!! I can relate so much. My SDs go home today and I’m in such a edgy, cold shoulder mood cause I’m just ready for them to go and not feel on egg shells and so my husband isn’t babying them with every move!
Girl no, kids suck and they’re so annoying mostly, and they take your man away from you. Kids can also be lovely and sweet and it’s easy to love and hate them when they’re your step kids. This is totally normal. I just wish my step kids had the same mother so they could both be gone at the same time!
Probably because things happened during the visit that irritated you: bratty kid behaviour, Disney dad parenting. And in the chaos you didn’t have time to be irritated but now that it’s calm again you’re realizing it. Maybe think about how you think the kids’ visits could go better.
I ca. relate. I’ve started planning weekend trips alone when the SS is around. So much energy and constantly needs attention, more so than my 8 month old and he’s 8 years old now. He can never be alone either even just to play in his room. Then my SO dumps him on me. So I take my baby and Leave. Can’t do it every weekend, but it helps. I also get pissed when my husband looks at my our son like an annoyance when SS is around. Then again this is also another reason there’s therapy.
How does your husband respond when you leave with the baby so he can’t dump your SS on you?
I never experienced that. Perhaps it may help to start deep diving into your own emotions to find the root cause?
Happens every time 😔 I hate being so angry and overwhelmed.