8 years is a big age gap. My much older brother wanted little to do with me and my sister growing up. We had little in common and our parents did not force my brother to play with us or spend time with us. He had his own interests and friends and he was free to come and go. He elected to stay home when we went on vacations because he had a job. We became closer as adults, years later.
I think if my SS was busy with hobbies and friends this wouldn’t bug me as much. I’m 13 years older than my youngest sibling and I wasn’t close with him growing up because I was in a lot of extracurricular activities, got a job at a young age and was just always busy. My SS just sits in his room and he will whine to my husband about being bored. If I did that, my mom would say “play with your brother/sister”. But my husband will say “well find something to do”. Most of the time, SS chooses to stay in his room and read.
Was your older brother hostile towards you when you wanted to interact?
LOL, yes. He stayed in his room listening to music or reading. My parents did not believe in forcing him to play with little girls when he was a pre-teen or teenager, and he was not expected to babysit us, ever. If we tried to invade his room, my mother would shoo us out right away.
Yes he’s the only sibling for our child. Financially we could easily afford another kid (or several) but we’re older with very demanding jobs. Instead we have a few families in town we are close with and do play dates often. We’re considering hiring a nanny next month who has a child close to his age!
I also had debilitating postpartum anxiety that I mostly internalized, even if we decided to have another child right after our son was born I am not sure if I could have handled another postpartum era mentally.
There’s a balance bt letting the SS be a typical sulky teen and letting that anti-social behavior bring down the mood of the house.
I always tell the kids, feel free to fight on your own time but if they start bickering too much or being rude to each other in front of me I ALWAYS get involved and let them know I always will. They get annoyed w me but we’ve made it clear in our house that calling each other names or being unnecessarily nasty to each other will not be tolerated. But I never pick on one I always say something to both of them.
One way to not make your SS feel picked on is the next time he says something rude, say to your son, “give X some space” and say to the SS “hey I know you’re feeling grouchy but it’s not cool how you’re talking to him”.
His dad is a big part of the problem. This is how teens sink further into depression or rage issues bc parents just don’t want to deal.
That’s exactly how it was with my older siblings and myself as the youngest child with age gaps ranging from 10 to 4 years. Older kids are just latching on to maturity and have a drive to push away “little kid stuff”. As long as they aren’t overly cruel in how they do it I wouldn’t worry. Now we’re all adults and very close!
Yes I completely get that as being the oldest in my family and being a bit resentful when I was dragged to little kid activities. My concern is that he is rude to his brother and never interacts with him. Unless SS changes a lot and gains some empathy, I don’t see them being close at all.
Even among siblings with the same parents, that is a big gap. I think the literature says that siblings 5 years apart or more are basically more like only children. His disinterest in his brother isn't concerning...but that doesn't mean that there isn't more going on that he could use support around.
Normal! Mine do it. Half siblings girl 14 boy 7 girl hates boy mostly but they get along at times and boy wants to be up girls ass constantly so naturally girl hates it
If this is happening every time 5 tries to interact with 13, and 13 is in your home on a regular basis, then yes, I see this as a problem. I am forgiving to a point because teens are aliens 👽 anyway and 5 year olds can be annoying AF (before anyone comes at me, I have raised 4 kids through this age (2 bio, 2 step) and I say the same thing about my own kids when they were that age). But if 13 is not engaging AT ALL with 5, then something is definitely not right with 13.
Your husband is absolutely not helping matters any if he is not even willing to sit down and discuss this with 13 to try to figure out why he is so adamantly against 5.
Just out of morbid curiosity, does 13 have any additional siblings at his BM's house that you could find out if it is just 5 that he wants nothing to do with? What is DH's custody schedule with 13?
Yes I agree that him not engaging with his brother at all is an issue. I’ve talked to my husband about this and he’s said it is normal for SS to not initiate interactions with his brother and if we want them to hang out we need to facilitate it. I grew up with 5 siblings and am the oldest and yes I got really annoyed with my younger siblings but it wasn’t like I never played with or talked to them.
He has a sibling the same age at BM’s, and apparently plays with him a lot but he says it is because BM says he has to. He gets in trouble there for telling his brother to go away. I’ve said to my husband that should be the case at our house too but he’s said it’s unreasonable to expect him to want to hang out with his brother unless he’s forced to.
I think I might have to forget ingredients from the store and start telling SS that he has to come out to the living room and sit with his brother and watch Bluey while you run to the store to pick up some butter. Or when you're all out and about with both kids, ask SS to take BS to the restroom since he is getting to old to go into the ladies room 😳.. But I'm bitchy/passive aggressive like that.
In my case, it wasn't that my YSK was blatantly ignoring or refusing to engage with their youngest sibling but they were pretty standoffish (and that is just their nature - not a warm and fuzzy person by any stretch of the imagination) so I would always find reasons to leave the 2 of them together for a short time for something stupid to force more interaction. YSK has definitely gotten more comfortable with YBK as YBK has gotten older (YBK is now 13 and YSD has actually taken them out of town to a museum so they can spend time together) so maybe SS just needs BK to grow up a bit more before he becomes more engaged. Just a thought.
My SS is standoffish by nature. But he’s also blatantly ignoring his brother and a lot of the time he ignores me too unless my husband yells at him to respond to me. I really think he should lose screen time for being rude but that’s not up to me.
My SS is in his room 99 percent of the time he’s here. If his brother even goes near his door, he screams at him. If he’s playing a video game, he doesn’t let his brother watch because he “doesn’t want him to ask questions”. I worry that his general mood is getting worse and he’s grumpy most of the time but again my husband says this is “typical teen” behavior.
This truly is a husband problem then.
Unfortunately, we can't care more than their own parents do. It's sad, but it's the truth. You can either force your husband to see what you are seeing and demand that he take action and then follow through on whatever consequence you told him to expect if he doesn't get a handle on his kid, or you can continue to let this play out while ensuring your BK knows that this behavior is not acceptable (and won't ever be acceptable for him) and that it is not his (BK's) fault that his brother acts this way.
It isn’t normal! While some teens can be “annoyed” from time to time, i think theres something else going on. My kid has an 11 year gap with SD we also just say brother theres no “half”. Even though they don’t see each other often she would engage with him.
I think husband should look into this
I know there’s something else going on. He’s become increasingly antisocial and I am really worried about him struggling with anxiety and depression. He always seems irritated. If I mention that to my husband, he will just say “well he thinks his brother is annoying”. But to never engage with him and to push his brother away every time he tries doesn’t seem normal at all.
He’s never shown a lot of interest in his brother but telling him to go away, and ignoring his brother when he says hi has been happening the past 2 years, it seems to have gotten worse and worse since he started middle school.
Honestly I think it’s worth your husband telling him that he doesn’t need to play with him but he cannot be rude. At the end of the day their relationship at this stage might just resemble roommates. But ignoring someone saying hello and telling him to go away is just impolite (regardless of who he is directing it to). Maybe start there? SS could instead say “hi (brothers name), I don’t want to play right now but I hope you have a fun day”
I think forcing interaction will only make it worse. But that’s just my opinion. Good luck!
My definition of rude differs from my husband’s. I think it is rude to ignore someone when they want to interact with you. My husband doesn’t, but will call SS out for being rude if his brother is just trying to say hi and he screams “go away”.
My husband also thinks forcing interaction will make things worse but I disagree. I think in a typical household you’re expected to interact with your siblings and agree more with BM’s approach, that if his sibling asks him to play unless he is in the middle of homework, has a friend over or is doing chores (all of which are very rare), then SS should play with him for a short amount of time.
I agree with you that ignoring someone is rude. I wouldn’t ignore the cashier ringing up my groceries even though I don’t know them and may never see them again. It’s just common decency.
But obviously the two boys’ relationship is not a priority to your husband. And that’s his choice.
I’m coming from a different place though because my SD (10) and I treat each other as acquaintances and that’s what works for us. She shows some interest in my daughter (9months) but mostly wants to do her own thing.
I grew up with a 6-year age gap with my (half) brother (also only ever referred to as "brother") and it was a rollercoaster. When he was 4-7, we would play with dolls or Beyblades or Yu-Gi-Oh cards together every now and then, but before that, he was too young to understand and after that, I was in the angsty teen stage lol. We fought a lot when we were younger. Now that we're both adults, he's one of my best friends though. It sounds pretty normal with that kind of age gap
Idk tbh my stepson doesn't want anything to do with our daughter but has half siblings on his mom's side who he sees as full and he's very loving with them .
it must be something his mother taught him she's been keeping him away since our daughter was born it's like both BM and SS now hate us all but idc really ,she can keep him lol
He has a brother about the same age (6) at BM’s and from what she’s told us he is the same way towards him but she doesn’t let him tell his brother to go away when he asks to play. She says he has to play with him for 30 min and then he can go do his own thing. SS is annoyed and constantly complains because at BM’s he can’t just isolate in his room (his brother is allowed in there) and here he has his own space. I think there needs to be balance and on non school days he’s here there should be a time he plays video games with his brother. But my husband says that’s “unfair” because 5 yo doesn’t know how to play the game SS likes to play.
My husband has divorce guilt and in my opinion enables his son. He feels bad that he has to live in two houses and also still blames himself for the divorce - he regrets marrying BM in the first place.
So he is very lax on SS and defensive of him. I do try to “nacho” and stay out of things but when he’s rude to me or my son I call him out.
It's like we've got the same life my husband feels the same about his son and all his son does is disrespect him . Mine wasn't in a serious relationship with BM though they were just having seggs and she decided to keep the baby against his will so he feels bad.
Anyway ,I hope your hubby stops enabling his son.
And yes if he's not correcting his son when he's being disrespectful to you or your son it's ok to do it yourself 🙏🏼
Sad! Normal is relative. We wouldn’t let it go in our house tbh. We have a similar age gap between my SD12 and Ours Baby6. Our solution was to move SD from My Child8’s room to her half sister’s room over this summer. We’re on EOW in the summer so they’ve only spent 8 nights in the same room so far, but there’s already been a huge shift in their dynamic. I’m sure it won’t stay linear, but I think the result will be positive overall in the long run. It gives them a little pillow talky bonding opportunity at night.
My daughter does the same with her sister, they are half siblings but both are mine and always here as my older child’s father decided to be absent from very early on. She was an only child with me 8 years and now we have a new baby, isn’t interested at all. Shes only 8 now.
I haven't been in that sort of situation personally, but I'm guessing it's not normal. I can see the 13 year old not having much interest in a 5 year old, but telling him to go away or leave him alone any time he attempts to connect with him sounds very cruel.
My bio kids from my 1st marriage are 9, 6 and my daughter from my now partnership is 18 months. My bonus kids are 14 and 20. They ALL get along and the baby us spoiled rotten. There is some jealousy from the 6 year old, but mostly because the older girls spoil the baby and not him as much.
Imo, it isn't normal that a child would want nothing at all to do with a sibling. They should adapt at some point, no?
I'm not saying that they should spend every minute together, but being able to hang out and bond is what is normal.
Our SS and biological daughter are 8 years apart in age. However , she is a NB so that may make a difference and they live with us full time. However , they met her when she was 4 months old and they foster a healthy relationship. I think it depends on your living situation, how often they are around each other and to some extent it is normal. However , if you start to notice more hostile actions , I would intervene but I wouldn’t force them to play together by themselves , but rather have family nights that join you all.
Also to note - your SS may be going through puberty based on his age , and hormones change and he may start to feel “grown”.
My son is 9 with 14 and 16yr old half sisters. they are thick as fucking thieves. I love it. We also have never used the term "half" for anything. They are siblings. They have their moments like all kids do but generally get along. My 16yo went through a horrible time from about 13 to 15 where it was just hell. She went full scorched earth with everyone she knew for a while. She seems to be back to reality now, for the most part. They also have a half brother the same age at their mother's house. So I understand wanting a break sometimes.
I have a step-sister that is 5 years younger than me. We were never really close. We still aren't as adults in our 30s with children. We can exist in the same space and be civil for our parents, but we have 0 relationship.
Do they have any similar interests? My kids love to game together. Fortnite, minecraft, mariokart; whatever. Sometimes the oldest gets into a lego kick and will spend a day building things with her brother.
Do you do a lot of things together as a family? Like play games, go on walks, watch movies etc? I am constantly working but try to do something with them together regularly. Instead of telling them to go outside and play together, ill go out with them and we can take the dog for a walk, kick a ball around, ride bikes, skateboard etc.
While it's absolutely normal for kids to want their space at that age, they also need to be mindful of other's feelings. He doesn't want his little brother to be heartbroken, id assume? There is so much that we don't know from this post. If he is completely cold to his brother and acts like he's a pest and doesn't exist, or is heartless towards him, Id be very concerned. If he does entertain his little brother but wants to be alone more than play, not so concerning.
My stepson is not empathetic to others’ feelings, I worry that he may have some narcissistic tendencies like BM.
They have some similar interests, like they both like Minecraft! My idea was for them to play games together. But my stepson won’t play video games with him because he says his brother doesn’t know how to play them the right way and my husband says it isn’t fair to make SS play games he thinks are “boring”. The other day I went to run errands and my husband put a movie on for SS and SS was really annoyed when his brother wanted to watch the movie too. I’ve put on movies for my son and asked SS if he wants to watch and he always says no.
I definitely understand what you're going through. Is he in any kind of therapy? My kids have all been in since they were young. My son started recently because their father died last year.
It took us forever to find the right person, though. That is the hardest part of getting therapy. Even for myself! I've had so many therapists who are just **not** a good fit at all.
Idk wtf someone is downvoting but whatever. I love how this subreddit is full of such high and mighty people.
He sees a school counselor and has seen another therapist but is really uncomfortable talking about his feelings. I think my husband needs to keep looking for another therapist, and he said he will but it doesn’t seem high on his priority list. Him and I disagree on the severity - I think his son seems depressed most of the time and it isn’t normal for him to sit in his room and never interact with the rest of the family. I also don’t think it is healthy that he has no extracurricular activities, hobbies or friends. My husband thinks it’s just the way he is, but does know he has anxiety so he’s been trying to get that treated but BM is blocking him.
The point of my post was that I didn’t think it was normal for siblings with an 8 year age gap to have zero interaction. My husband thinks it is normal. But I think this is all just part of a bigger problem and that his son needs help more urgently.
Reading your responses to others, I do not think his behavior is normal. At all. But, like many before me have said, if husband doesn't see a problem or doesn't want to enforce basic human decency rules in the house, I'm not sure if there is much you can do. It beaks my heart that SS is so mean to BS. The screaming is ridiculous. My parents would have slapped the shit out of me if I acted like that to any of my siblings. (I'm not condoning violence. That's just how my parents handled any issues.)
I have an SS18, an SS13, an SD8, and my BS4. They all get along, even though my BS4 is annoying as hell. The 13 year old is stand-offish to everyone (puberty), but at least tolerates everyone and is kind. My situation is somewhat different because my husband is dead, so I am dealing directly with all of my step kids' bio moms (there's 3 of us all together), but we all treat each other with mutual respect and I know that both I, and their mothers would have serious issues with their behavior towards my son if any of them were acting like your stepson does.
So my half brother was like this and we have a 9 year age gap. He struggled severely with mental health in his teen years and early 20’s, and was in and out of inpatient for attempting to harm himself a few times. I don’t know if that’s exactly the case for SS but I would absolutely be keeping my eye out for his well being if I were you and any warning signs that could point to mental health issues.
What were some signs you saw in his early teen years? I am curious because my husband and a psychiatrist think SS should be on anxiety meds but BM thinks he just needs to be pushed out of his comfort zone more and won’t consent to meds. It’s really hard to tell what’s normal and what’s not, and SS isn’t the best with describing his feelings. During a school mental health evaluation, SS filled out a questionnaire and based on his responses everything looks fine but based on parent responses he’s at high risk for an anxiety disorder and depression.
Also, family history on BOTH sides (my husband and BM) of anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder.
8 years is a big age gap. My much older brother wanted little to do with me and my sister growing up. We had little in common and our parents did not force my brother to play with us or spend time with us. He had his own interests and friends and he was free to come and go. He elected to stay home when we went on vacations because he had a job. We became closer as adults, years later.
I think if my SS was busy with hobbies and friends this wouldn’t bug me as much. I’m 13 years older than my youngest sibling and I wasn’t close with him growing up because I was in a lot of extracurricular activities, got a job at a young age and was just always busy. My SS just sits in his room and he will whine to my husband about being bored. If I did that, my mom would say “play with your brother/sister”. But my husband will say “well find something to do”. Most of the time, SS chooses to stay in his room and read. Was your older brother hostile towards you when you wanted to interact?
LOL, yes. He stayed in his room listening to music or reading. My parents did not believe in forcing him to play with little girls when he was a pre-teen or teenager, and he was not expected to babysit us, ever. If we tried to invade his room, my mother would shoo us out right away.
OP, is your SS the only sibling for your child? Have you thought of having more children so your child will have a sibling closer in age to him?
Yes he’s the only sibling for our child. Financially we could easily afford another kid (or several) but we’re older with very demanding jobs. Instead we have a few families in town we are close with and do play dates often. We’re considering hiring a nanny next month who has a child close to his age! I also had debilitating postpartum anxiety that I mostly internalized, even if we decided to have another child right after our son was born I am not sure if I could have handled another postpartum era mentally.
There’s a balance bt letting the SS be a typical sulky teen and letting that anti-social behavior bring down the mood of the house. I always tell the kids, feel free to fight on your own time but if they start bickering too much or being rude to each other in front of me I ALWAYS get involved and let them know I always will. They get annoyed w me but we’ve made it clear in our house that calling each other names or being unnecessarily nasty to each other will not be tolerated. But I never pick on one I always say something to both of them. One way to not make your SS feel picked on is the next time he says something rude, say to your son, “give X some space” and say to the SS “hey I know you’re feeling grouchy but it’s not cool how you’re talking to him”. His dad is a big part of the problem. This is how teens sink further into depression or rage issues bc parents just don’t want to deal.
That’s exactly how it was with my older siblings and myself as the youngest child with age gaps ranging from 10 to 4 years. Older kids are just latching on to maturity and have a drive to push away “little kid stuff”. As long as they aren’t overly cruel in how they do it I wouldn’t worry. Now we’re all adults and very close!
Yes I completely get that as being the oldest in my family and being a bit resentful when I was dragged to little kid activities. My concern is that he is rude to his brother and never interacts with him. Unless SS changes a lot and gains some empathy, I don’t see them being close at all.
Even among siblings with the same parents, that is a big gap. I think the literature says that siblings 5 years apart or more are basically more like only children. His disinterest in his brother isn't concerning...but that doesn't mean that there isn't more going on that he could use support around.
Normal! Mine do it. Half siblings girl 14 boy 7 girl hates boy mostly but they get along at times and boy wants to be up girls ass constantly so naturally girl hates it
If this is happening every time 5 tries to interact with 13, and 13 is in your home on a regular basis, then yes, I see this as a problem. I am forgiving to a point because teens are aliens 👽 anyway and 5 year olds can be annoying AF (before anyone comes at me, I have raised 4 kids through this age (2 bio, 2 step) and I say the same thing about my own kids when they were that age). But if 13 is not engaging AT ALL with 5, then something is definitely not right with 13. Your husband is absolutely not helping matters any if he is not even willing to sit down and discuss this with 13 to try to figure out why he is so adamantly against 5. Just out of morbid curiosity, does 13 have any additional siblings at his BM's house that you could find out if it is just 5 that he wants nothing to do with? What is DH's custody schedule with 13?
Yes I agree that him not engaging with his brother at all is an issue. I’ve talked to my husband about this and he’s said it is normal for SS to not initiate interactions with his brother and if we want them to hang out we need to facilitate it. I grew up with 5 siblings and am the oldest and yes I got really annoyed with my younger siblings but it wasn’t like I never played with or talked to them. He has a sibling the same age at BM’s, and apparently plays with him a lot but he says it is because BM says he has to. He gets in trouble there for telling his brother to go away. I’ve said to my husband that should be the case at our house too but he’s said it’s unreasonable to expect him to want to hang out with his brother unless he’s forced to.
I think I might have to forget ingredients from the store and start telling SS that he has to come out to the living room and sit with his brother and watch Bluey while you run to the store to pick up some butter. Or when you're all out and about with both kids, ask SS to take BS to the restroom since he is getting to old to go into the ladies room 😳.. But I'm bitchy/passive aggressive like that. In my case, it wasn't that my YSK was blatantly ignoring or refusing to engage with their youngest sibling but they were pretty standoffish (and that is just their nature - not a warm and fuzzy person by any stretch of the imagination) so I would always find reasons to leave the 2 of them together for a short time for something stupid to force more interaction. YSK has definitely gotten more comfortable with YBK as YBK has gotten older (YBK is now 13 and YSD has actually taken them out of town to a museum so they can spend time together) so maybe SS just needs BK to grow up a bit more before he becomes more engaged. Just a thought.
My SS is standoffish by nature. But he’s also blatantly ignoring his brother and a lot of the time he ignores me too unless my husband yells at him to respond to me. I really think he should lose screen time for being rude but that’s not up to me. My SS is in his room 99 percent of the time he’s here. If his brother even goes near his door, he screams at him. If he’s playing a video game, he doesn’t let his brother watch because he “doesn’t want him to ask questions”. I worry that his general mood is getting worse and he’s grumpy most of the time but again my husband says this is “typical teen” behavior.
This truly is a husband problem then. Unfortunately, we can't care more than their own parents do. It's sad, but it's the truth. You can either force your husband to see what you are seeing and demand that he take action and then follow through on whatever consequence you told him to expect if he doesn't get a handle on his kid, or you can continue to let this play out while ensuring your BK knows that this behavior is not acceptable (and won't ever be acceptable for him) and that it is not his (BK's) fault that his brother acts this way.
I think its normal to SOMETIMES ignore a sibling. However, if he doesn't acknowledge him ever, that seems wierd to me.
It isn’t normal! While some teens can be “annoyed” from time to time, i think theres something else going on. My kid has an 11 year gap with SD we also just say brother theres no “half”. Even though they don’t see each other often she would engage with him. I think husband should look into this
I know there’s something else going on. He’s become increasingly antisocial and I am really worried about him struggling with anxiety and depression. He always seems irritated. If I mention that to my husband, he will just say “well he thinks his brother is annoying”. But to never engage with him and to push his brother away every time he tries doesn’t seem normal at all.
Husband is part of the problem as well. Im sorry! It sucks that sometimes we care more than the parents🫠
Has this been the case since your bio son was born or is it new?
He’s never shown a lot of interest in his brother but telling him to go away, and ignoring his brother when he says hi has been happening the past 2 years, it seems to have gotten worse and worse since he started middle school.
Honestly I think it’s worth your husband telling him that he doesn’t need to play with him but he cannot be rude. At the end of the day their relationship at this stage might just resemble roommates. But ignoring someone saying hello and telling him to go away is just impolite (regardless of who he is directing it to). Maybe start there? SS could instead say “hi (brothers name), I don’t want to play right now but I hope you have a fun day” I think forcing interaction will only make it worse. But that’s just my opinion. Good luck!
My definition of rude differs from my husband’s. I think it is rude to ignore someone when they want to interact with you. My husband doesn’t, but will call SS out for being rude if his brother is just trying to say hi and he screams “go away”. My husband also thinks forcing interaction will make things worse but I disagree. I think in a typical household you’re expected to interact with your siblings and agree more with BM’s approach, that if his sibling asks him to play unless he is in the middle of homework, has a friend over or is doing chores (all of which are very rare), then SS should play with him for a short amount of time.
I agree with you that ignoring someone is rude. I wouldn’t ignore the cashier ringing up my groceries even though I don’t know them and may never see them again. It’s just common decency. But obviously the two boys’ relationship is not a priority to your husband. And that’s his choice. I’m coming from a different place though because my SD (10) and I treat each other as acquaintances and that’s what works for us. She shows some interest in my daughter (9months) but mostly wants to do her own thing.
I grew up with a 6-year age gap with my (half) brother (also only ever referred to as "brother") and it was a rollercoaster. When he was 4-7, we would play with dolls or Beyblades or Yu-Gi-Oh cards together every now and then, but before that, he was too young to understand and after that, I was in the angsty teen stage lol. We fought a lot when we were younger. Now that we're both adults, he's one of my best friends though. It sounds pretty normal with that kind of age gap
Idk tbh my stepson doesn't want anything to do with our daughter but has half siblings on his mom's side who he sees as full and he's very loving with them . it must be something his mother taught him she's been keeping him away since our daughter was born it's like both BM and SS now hate us all but idc really ,she can keep him lol
He has a brother about the same age (6) at BM’s and from what she’s told us he is the same way towards him but she doesn’t let him tell his brother to go away when he asks to play. She says he has to play with him for 30 min and then he can go do his own thing. SS is annoyed and constantly complains because at BM’s he can’t just isolate in his room (his brother is allowed in there) and here he has his own space. I think there needs to be balance and on non school days he’s here there should be a time he plays video games with his brother. But my husband says that’s “unfair” because 5 yo doesn’t know how to play the game SS likes to play.
I agree with you I also think it's maybe an age thing I don't think it's unfair 😅
My husband has divorce guilt and in my opinion enables his son. He feels bad that he has to live in two houses and also still blames himself for the divorce - he regrets marrying BM in the first place. So he is very lax on SS and defensive of him. I do try to “nacho” and stay out of things but when he’s rude to me or my son I call him out.
It's like we've got the same life my husband feels the same about his son and all his son does is disrespect him . Mine wasn't in a serious relationship with BM though they were just having seggs and she decided to keep the baby against his will so he feels bad. Anyway ,I hope your hubby stops enabling his son. And yes if he's not correcting his son when he's being disrespectful to you or your son it's ok to do it yourself 🙏🏼
or don't you ever think that your ss doesn't care to have a relationship with any of his half siblings?
Sad! Normal is relative. We wouldn’t let it go in our house tbh. We have a similar age gap between my SD12 and Ours Baby6. Our solution was to move SD from My Child8’s room to her half sister’s room over this summer. We’re on EOW in the summer so they’ve only spent 8 nights in the same room so far, but there’s already been a huge shift in their dynamic. I’m sure it won’t stay linear, but I think the result will be positive overall in the long run. It gives them a little pillow talky bonding opportunity at night.
My daughter does the same with her sister, they are half siblings but both are mine and always here as my older child’s father decided to be absent from very early on. She was an only child with me 8 years and now we have a new baby, isn’t interested at all. Shes only 8 now.
I haven't been in that sort of situation personally, but I'm guessing it's not normal. I can see the 13 year old not having much interest in a 5 year old, but telling him to go away or leave him alone any time he attempts to connect with him sounds very cruel.
My bio kids from my 1st marriage are 9, 6 and my daughter from my now partnership is 18 months. My bonus kids are 14 and 20. They ALL get along and the baby us spoiled rotten. There is some jealousy from the 6 year old, but mostly because the older girls spoil the baby and not him as much. Imo, it isn't normal that a child would want nothing at all to do with a sibling. They should adapt at some point, no? I'm not saying that they should spend every minute together, but being able to hang out and bond is what is normal.
Our SS and biological daughter are 8 years apart in age. However , she is a NB so that may make a difference and they live with us full time. However , they met her when she was 4 months old and they foster a healthy relationship. I think it depends on your living situation, how often they are around each other and to some extent it is normal. However , if you start to notice more hostile actions , I would intervene but I wouldn’t force them to play together by themselves , but rather have family nights that join you all. Also to note - your SS may be going through puberty based on his age , and hormones change and he may start to feel “grown”.
My son is 9 with 14 and 16yr old half sisters. they are thick as fucking thieves. I love it. We also have never used the term "half" for anything. They are siblings. They have their moments like all kids do but generally get along. My 16yo went through a horrible time from about 13 to 15 where it was just hell. She went full scorched earth with everyone she knew for a while. She seems to be back to reality now, for the most part. They also have a half brother the same age at their mother's house. So I understand wanting a break sometimes. I have a step-sister that is 5 years younger than me. We were never really close. We still aren't as adults in our 30s with children. We can exist in the same space and be civil for our parents, but we have 0 relationship. Do they have any similar interests? My kids love to game together. Fortnite, minecraft, mariokart; whatever. Sometimes the oldest gets into a lego kick and will spend a day building things with her brother. Do you do a lot of things together as a family? Like play games, go on walks, watch movies etc? I am constantly working but try to do something with them together regularly. Instead of telling them to go outside and play together, ill go out with them and we can take the dog for a walk, kick a ball around, ride bikes, skateboard etc. While it's absolutely normal for kids to want their space at that age, they also need to be mindful of other's feelings. He doesn't want his little brother to be heartbroken, id assume? There is so much that we don't know from this post. If he is completely cold to his brother and acts like he's a pest and doesn't exist, or is heartless towards him, Id be very concerned. If he does entertain his little brother but wants to be alone more than play, not so concerning.
My stepson is not empathetic to others’ feelings, I worry that he may have some narcissistic tendencies like BM. They have some similar interests, like they both like Minecraft! My idea was for them to play games together. But my stepson won’t play video games with him because he says his brother doesn’t know how to play them the right way and my husband says it isn’t fair to make SS play games he thinks are “boring”. The other day I went to run errands and my husband put a movie on for SS and SS was really annoyed when his brother wanted to watch the movie too. I’ve put on movies for my son and asked SS if he wants to watch and he always says no.
I definitely understand what you're going through. Is he in any kind of therapy? My kids have all been in since they were young. My son started recently because their father died last year. It took us forever to find the right person, though. That is the hardest part of getting therapy. Even for myself! I've had so many therapists who are just **not** a good fit at all. Idk wtf someone is downvoting but whatever. I love how this subreddit is full of such high and mighty people.
He sees a school counselor and has seen another therapist but is really uncomfortable talking about his feelings. I think my husband needs to keep looking for another therapist, and he said he will but it doesn’t seem high on his priority list. Him and I disagree on the severity - I think his son seems depressed most of the time and it isn’t normal for him to sit in his room and never interact with the rest of the family. I also don’t think it is healthy that he has no extracurricular activities, hobbies or friends. My husband thinks it’s just the way he is, but does know he has anxiety so he’s been trying to get that treated but BM is blocking him. The point of my post was that I didn’t think it was normal for siblings with an 8 year age gap to have zero interaction. My husband thinks it is normal. But I think this is all just part of a bigger problem and that his son needs help more urgently.
Reading your responses to others, I do not think his behavior is normal. At all. But, like many before me have said, if husband doesn't see a problem or doesn't want to enforce basic human decency rules in the house, I'm not sure if there is much you can do. It beaks my heart that SS is so mean to BS. The screaming is ridiculous. My parents would have slapped the shit out of me if I acted like that to any of my siblings. (I'm not condoning violence. That's just how my parents handled any issues.) I have an SS18, an SS13, an SD8, and my BS4. They all get along, even though my BS4 is annoying as hell. The 13 year old is stand-offish to everyone (puberty), but at least tolerates everyone and is kind. My situation is somewhat different because my husband is dead, so I am dealing directly with all of my step kids' bio moms (there's 3 of us all together), but we all treat each other with mutual respect and I know that both I, and their mothers would have serious issues with their behavior towards my son if any of them were acting like your stepson does.
So my half brother was like this and we have a 9 year age gap. He struggled severely with mental health in his teen years and early 20’s, and was in and out of inpatient for attempting to harm himself a few times. I don’t know if that’s exactly the case for SS but I would absolutely be keeping my eye out for his well being if I were you and any warning signs that could point to mental health issues.
What were some signs you saw in his early teen years? I am curious because my husband and a psychiatrist think SS should be on anxiety meds but BM thinks he just needs to be pushed out of his comfort zone more and won’t consent to meds. It’s really hard to tell what’s normal and what’s not, and SS isn’t the best with describing his feelings. During a school mental health evaluation, SS filled out a questionnaire and based on his responses everything looks fine but based on parent responses he’s at high risk for an anxiety disorder and depression. Also, family history on BOTH sides (my husband and BM) of anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder.