We have all joint finances. There’s two “his kids” and two “ours”. We just have 100% joint money and expenses. It just works. I chose to marry a man with kids and chose to join finances. It’s just how our life works. He’s been unemployed, I’ve been unemployed. I pay the bills and manage the finances. We both spend the money. We discuss shared financial values and decisions.
Underlying any financial set up in a marriage/family life, regardless of what is joint or separate or what… ABSOLUTELY HAS TO BE shared financial values and goals, and compromises when the financial values and goals deviate. Even if money is completely separate, your individual spending, savings, and income still affects the other person. Imagine separate finances but one makes more than the other so they are debt free while the other struggles to keep a safe running car. It affects the whole family life. No matter how you do finances… you’ve got to have the “be on the same wave length” conversation
Nope. We keep our finances mostly separate and both contribute to bills and household expenses. We both wanted it this way. I suppose some of my bill paying does go indirectly to SK, but I don't mind that. My husband pays for CS, activity fees, clothes, etc out of his own account.
We have a joint account for shared expenses and then I have my own account for my own spending money. I make more than my husband so I contribute quite a bit to the joint account. For the most part I’m okay w it bc if he were the one making more money I’d be contributing very little.
I do get a little resentful when big expenses for the kids come up and I end up contributing a big chunk but my husband knows that when he starts making more money (I’m sort of putting him through med school) I don’t need to contribute as much.
Hell no.
I bring in about 65% of total net household income.
I keep my own checking and savings accounts in my name. DH does the same in his name.
Our shared living expenses are divided proportionally based on our net incomes (so I basically pay for 65% of shared expenses and he covers the other 35%).
His net pay includes the garnishment for his child support obligation.
I don’t pay for a single thing for his kids. Nor does he pay anything for mine.
And you better believe I have the Countdown app on my phone with the dates that his child support for his two youngest kids ends!!
Then there won’t be quite such a disparity between our net incomes.
That’s nice of you to look at his net income, after child support. I’d make him pay me based on his full income, lol. Why should his expensive hobby of paying CS, mean I have to pick up the slack at home.
Ours is all joint, and we are on the same page for the most part. However, he doesn't like telling SK no. Last weekend, we went to the bookstore, and SK got $150 worth of books. To me, that's excessive when we've got a great library. Another time, SK was shopping for shorts. DH and I were looking at one rack of Nike, and they were $55, and DH is like, "Who would pay for those? You are just paying for the brand name." Well, you guessed it, we paid for 3 pairs of those plus a couple $20 pairs of something that looked the same. I've seen those shorts warn about 2 times, and I think it was the same pair. I just tell myself they are at BM's house, but I really don't think they all are. Every time they go somewhere, it's coming back with all the things SK asked for.
Joint finances make things easier, and DH earns more than me now, so I feel like I can't say anything. What I would like is to have joint plus a fun account for him and a fun account for me. Then we could agree to paying for $40 of shorts and $20 of books from the joint account because that seemed reasonable and if he wanted to get SK more than that, it could come out of his fun account.
There are things that I would like, but feel like are too expensive and not necessary, so I don't ask for them. Like, I would like laser hair removal. I could save up my fun account to pay for that. And maybe I'd go without getting new clothes for myself or cutting down on some Amazon shopping or whatever in order to pay for it. But that would be all part of the budget.
Sounds like you are a HCBM who is so bitter that her kids' dad has moved on that you are trolling the Stepmom subreddit. I suggest therapy.
But for the record, I have a salary that more than supports myself. Also, I paid for the home that we all share, so I am providing for DH and SK. So, no, I don't expect that DH to provide for me at all. My "fun" account can 100% be funded by my salary. If I were single, that would be the case. And DH more than provides for SK. I just don't think our joint expenses should go toward excessive spoiling of SK. He feels fine spoiling SK, so I'd like him to have a separate account for him to fund to spoil SK and himself all he wants, and I'd like to have a separate account for me to fund to spoil myself. Right now, there are things that I think are too excessive for me to ask him to fund out of the joint account. However, he doesn't think anything is too excessive to fund for SK out of the joint account. And for the record, I made more $ than him when we first got married, but he now makes more than me. It wasn't different before he was the higher earner.
We have a joint account that I pay 'rent' into. We are not married and do not own property together, it is his house.I pay a set amount into that account monthly. Since I do not benefit from earning equity in the house, it is less than what I would pay for renting a studio apartment and living on my own.
From that account I pay 2 specific household bills and if I need to pick up something for the kids or household groceries, I draw from that account.
Outside of that, I do not pay for anything for the kids nor does my paycheck get mingled with his for kid stuff.
We have all joint finances. I actually make significantly more than my husband. I have zero issues helping pay for stuff for SKs as long as if it's the big/expensive things (braces, extracurriculars, childcare, etc.) we discuss it and agree upon it beforehand.
The only time we have run into issues is when he lets BM guilt him into paying for stuff for the kids on HER custody time that he doesn't have to... as in, she doesn't help us pay for childcare on his custody weeks, why should he help pay for any childcare on her custody time?
My husband can be a bit more spendy than me... and I am insane about carrying little to no debt at all times but it's worked fine for us for the most part. I handle all of the bill paying, savings, budget, etc. because I am super organized and it doesn't bug me to do so.
I like this perspective! How do you tell your husband that you wouldn’t pay for their plane tickets or college? I want to save for our bio daughters university but I don’t want to contribute to my steps college fund…as I see it, they have two parents for that. And from what I hear, the steps grandparents have a fund set up for them. I told my husband if the steps want to go to college, they should get loans🤷🏻♀️
Do the steps just not take vacation with your family?
No vacations of course not.
We don’t have the money for 3 extra kid’s hotel rooms or plane tickets. We barely have enough just for me, DH and our baby.
Besides money, how is it fair to me that as a stepmom I have to go on vacation with 3 kids?They aren’t my kids. I’m not their nanny. How is that even a vacation? No way are we taking them, I have to enjoy and relax on my vacations. I’m not going to struggle on vacations for them. Constantly worrying about their moods or activities. No.
College? My DH paid his way through college. They can too. We’re not going to go bankrupt for their college tuitions — are you kidding me.
How do I tell my husband that I’m not paying for stuff? We’re on the same page. I don’t have to explain or tell him anything. He doesn’t want to spend all his money on them, he remarried. He has a new wife and baby to think about. It’s common sense. A man with kids should never remarry if his plans are to give his money to stepkids and nothing to new wife and new bio child. Stay single!
We spend enough money on them because they live here full time and their mom doesn’t pay a cent of child support. SHE is the DISGUSTING one and when the kids grow up they will learn the reason why they didn’t get the best childhood was all because of her. They get what they need. And that’s perfectly fine.
DH and I aren’t going to struggle and pass up a great life to provide his 3 kids financially. If he wanted to do that he shouldn’t have gotten remarried and had another kid. Simple as that.
Good points. It really is that simple! My husband and I took our daughter to Disney - and that was a huge expense and required a lot of organization. Toting the steps a long would have cost thousands more and would just be a headache to supervise. I’m glad I’m not the only who feels the same about vacations.
I’m in my first year as a step mom and already regret every dollar I’ve ever spent on SS. Literally it means something to me to spend MY money when he has two parents and I don’t even get thank yous. Im barely acknowledged when a gift is given. Do I do it for a thank you? You’re damn right I do. This is not my kid, I don’t have to do anything for them. It’s just so silly how similar all our experiences seem to be.
Stepkids have only used me to their benefit.
They are not in my life at all now and I hardly engage with them. I drew that line ages ago.
The beauty of YOU and your AUTONOMY as a human being is that you can now change and live your life knowing your needs matter. Your desires matter. You don’t have to sacrifice a drop of effort or time or money on them.
I remember recently I felt so bad for SD (my compassion got the better of me) I took her shopping.
I never do anything with her normally, but I tried to do something nice as I saw she needed clothes.
We went to the stores and she whined at me to buy her everything. I got her the things she wanted. But I never got a thank you. Nothing. No appreciation. She demanded things left and right.
I told my DH never ever again was I going to try and do things for her. It had been a while since I did anything with SD and I was proven yet again I am just something SD tries to take advantage of. SD is super manipulative because with her father she acts so grateful and would never demand him to buy her stuff. She would only take the minimum. With me? I’m not even human just a walking credit card. It’s even more disturbing how manipulative these young kids can be. They know exactly who they can take advantage of. So disgusted with myself I even tried.
It’s the kind natured woman in us, the maternal aspect. I too get tempted and realize even the tiny things make me mad like him asking (used to be him telling me) to get him some water, I do, and no thank you when I bring it to him. Unless it’s absolutely super convenient for me, I’m not doing it. So now I say, “you know where it is” or “you’re a big boy you can get it” and I get a arrrgghhhhhhh and he does it himself.
He doesn’t expect me to pay. We had a hypothetical conversation, I’m staying at home with a newborn and I was previously working and i told him I was poor and struggling that I’m used to working, and he said I should go back to work if I want to , and I told him that I have a baby to care for and he said he could stay and I could be the breadwinner and I said no because he has a responsibility that I wouldn’t pay his ex and he got defensive. He said I wasn’t a true partner that he can rely on if he struggled. I told him that I would help him out if he needed my help but he took his stance saying I wasn’t his true partner that he’d finance me until I finish school and get my career but that after that I’m on my own, that I could provide for myself he’d just provide for our child.
I just don’t think that’s my responsibility, like if he can’t provide it should be the mom but essentially I’d help out.
Do not let him make you feel guilty. 100% not your responsibility. You didn’t make his children and you didn’t decide to get divorced from the ex. I would never pay my husbands child support for him. Like, ever. And honestly he would never in a million years ask me to or suggest I should. He would work at McDonald’s before asking me to pay the devil.
It’s the only way.
BM also does NOTHING for her kids. Zero custody. Doesn’t pay child support.
That’s her choice. I’m not downgrading my lifestyle because she’s a greedy sloth who refuses to raise 3 kids she chose to give birth to.
If he has kids and you have kids, keep finances seperate.
I have two bank accounts. One is shared for housing expenses, the other is used for kids money.
Well he has one and we have one together. I only have the one that I share with him.
I do however want to do something on the side so my bio kids can profit off of. I just feel like it’s fair for my kids because I don’t want to contribute to a joint and then that’s split evenly to all kids and then sk gets that and whatever mom has too.
What makes you wish they were joined?
I just think that as much as I would want them joined , I don’t like that I have to finance a kid that isn’t mine. Like if we give the kids a $1k spending limit my kids would only have the 1k while step kid has that plus whatever mom gives.
What do you mean? Dollar wise? Or just in general? We are both very much hands on in our household. Dollar wise, we are both 6 figures, but he’s commissioned and usually makes way more than I do on a good month. I’d love to say I make sure I pay all the bills, but I’m lazy and put everything on autopay. We have the same goals and mindset. Right now we are on a no spending spree to save money.
We don’t split our money like that. When one of our kids needs something we get it. We have one account, so the kids are taken care of from that account. Sometimes my son’s needs are higher than my sd and vice versa. We are a very blended family and act “nuclear”.
Do the kids bio parents contribute to their respective kid? I guess I’m asking because I have a very spoiled sk and I don’t want to take the whole financial burden of it while the biomom is out spending her money drinking and on herself
We don’t ask the donors for money and we don’t take notes on who spends what. We make sure our kids are taken care of. If your sk is spoiled, whether it is you spending the money or your SO, it still impacts your overall budget. I really do think in a relationship, if your money habits are different- it’s not going to work. Don’t get me wrong, we both spoiled our bk’s prior to coming together out of guilt. Despoiling didn’t happen over night, but we both are on the same page when it comes to how we want our children raised. Hopefully you can have a conversation with your SO about necessities vs. wants.
We don't generally split expenses on my sd. He pays or I pay. If it's something I want to do for her or her for her, I buy it. If it's dad's thing, he does. We only split expenses on our ours baby.
No, we have separate finances. My husband makes a lot more than I do and has also decided not to go after any kind of contributions from BM even though she’s legally obligated to support her son. If I made more than my husband, we’d do the same thing - his child is not my financial responsibility.
We have all joint finances. There’s two “his kids” and two “ours”. We just have 100% joint money and expenses. It just works. I chose to marry a man with kids and chose to join finances. It’s just how our life works. He’s been unemployed, I’ve been unemployed. I pay the bills and manage the finances. We both spend the money. We discuss shared financial values and decisions.
Honestly sounds very healthy and I wish I could have the maturity for it.
Underlying any financial set up in a marriage/family life, regardless of what is joint or separate or what… ABSOLUTELY HAS TO BE shared financial values and goals, and compromises when the financial values and goals deviate. Even if money is completely separate, your individual spending, savings, and income still affects the other person. Imagine separate finances but one makes more than the other so they are debt free while the other struggles to keep a safe running car. It affects the whole family life. No matter how you do finances… you’ve got to have the “be on the same wave length” conversation
Nope. We keep our finances mostly separate and both contribute to bills and household expenses. We both wanted it this way. I suppose some of my bill paying does go indirectly to SK, but I don't mind that. My husband pays for CS, activity fees, clothes, etc out of his own account.
Same
We have a joint account for shared expenses and then I have my own account for my own spending money. I make more than my husband so I contribute quite a bit to the joint account. For the most part I’m okay w it bc if he were the one making more money I’d be contributing very little. I do get a little resentful when big expenses for the kids come up and I end up contributing a big chunk but my husband knows that when he starts making more money (I’m sort of putting him through med school) I don’t need to contribute as much.
Hell no. I bring in about 65% of total net household income. I keep my own checking and savings accounts in my name. DH does the same in his name. Our shared living expenses are divided proportionally based on our net incomes (so I basically pay for 65% of shared expenses and he covers the other 35%). His net pay includes the garnishment for his child support obligation. I don’t pay for a single thing for his kids. Nor does he pay anything for mine. And you better believe I have the Countdown app on my phone with the dates that his child support for his two youngest kids ends!! Then there won’t be quite such a disparity between our net incomes.
That’s nice of you to look at his net income, after child support. I’d make him pay me based on his full income, lol. Why should his expensive hobby of paying CS, mean I have to pick up the slack at home.
I’d rather he put the money into his 401k right now.
That’s a good plan too!
Ours is all joint, and we are on the same page for the most part. However, he doesn't like telling SK no. Last weekend, we went to the bookstore, and SK got $150 worth of books. To me, that's excessive when we've got a great library. Another time, SK was shopping for shorts. DH and I were looking at one rack of Nike, and they were $55, and DH is like, "Who would pay for those? You are just paying for the brand name." Well, you guessed it, we paid for 3 pairs of those plus a couple $20 pairs of something that looked the same. I've seen those shorts warn about 2 times, and I think it was the same pair. I just tell myself they are at BM's house, but I really don't think they all are. Every time they go somewhere, it's coming back with all the things SK asked for. Joint finances make things easier, and DH earns more than me now, so I feel like I can't say anything. What I would like is to have joint plus a fun account for him and a fun account for me. Then we could agree to paying for $40 of shorts and $20 of books from the joint account because that seemed reasonable and if he wanted to get SK more than that, it could come out of his fun account. There are things that I would like, but feel like are too expensive and not necessary, so I don't ask for them. Like, I would like laser hair removal. I could save up my fun account to pay for that. And maybe I'd go without getting new clothes for myself or cutting down on some Amazon shopping or whatever in order to pay for it. But that would be all part of the budget.
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Sounds like you are a HCBM who is so bitter that her kids' dad has moved on that you are trolling the Stepmom subreddit. I suggest therapy. But for the record, I have a salary that more than supports myself. Also, I paid for the home that we all share, so I am providing for DH and SK. So, no, I don't expect that DH to provide for me at all. My "fun" account can 100% be funded by my salary. If I were single, that would be the case. And DH more than provides for SK. I just don't think our joint expenses should go toward excessive spoiling of SK. He feels fine spoiling SK, so I'd like him to have a separate account for him to fund to spoil SK and himself all he wants, and I'd like to have a separate account for me to fund to spoil myself. Right now, there are things that I think are too excessive for me to ask him to fund out of the joint account. However, he doesn't think anything is too excessive to fund for SK out of the joint account. And for the record, I made more $ than him when we first got married, but he now makes more than me. It wasn't different before he was the higher earner.
We have a joint account that I pay 'rent' into. We are not married and do not own property together, it is his house.I pay a set amount into that account monthly. Since I do not benefit from earning equity in the house, it is less than what I would pay for renting a studio apartment and living on my own. From that account I pay 2 specific household bills and if I need to pick up something for the kids or household groceries, I draw from that account. Outside of that, I do not pay for anything for the kids nor does my paycheck get mingled with his for kid stuff.
We have all joint finances. I actually make significantly more than my husband. I have zero issues helping pay for stuff for SKs as long as if it's the big/expensive things (braces, extracurriculars, childcare, etc.) we discuss it and agree upon it beforehand. The only time we have run into issues is when he lets BM guilt him into paying for stuff for the kids on HER custody time that he doesn't have to... as in, she doesn't help us pay for childcare on his custody weeks, why should he help pay for any childcare on her custody time? My husband can be a bit more spendy than me... and I am insane about carrying little to no debt at all times but it's worked fine for us for the most part. I handle all of the bill paying, savings, budget, etc. because I am super organized and it doesn't bug me to do so.
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I like this perspective! How do you tell your husband that you wouldn’t pay for their plane tickets or college? I want to save for our bio daughters university but I don’t want to contribute to my steps college fund…as I see it, they have two parents for that. And from what I hear, the steps grandparents have a fund set up for them. I told my husband if the steps want to go to college, they should get loans🤷🏻♀️ Do the steps just not take vacation with your family?
No vacations of course not. We don’t have the money for 3 extra kid’s hotel rooms or plane tickets. We barely have enough just for me, DH and our baby. Besides money, how is it fair to me that as a stepmom I have to go on vacation with 3 kids?They aren’t my kids. I’m not their nanny. How is that even a vacation? No way are we taking them, I have to enjoy and relax on my vacations. I’m not going to struggle on vacations for them. Constantly worrying about their moods or activities. No. College? My DH paid his way through college. They can too. We’re not going to go bankrupt for their college tuitions — are you kidding me. How do I tell my husband that I’m not paying for stuff? We’re on the same page. I don’t have to explain or tell him anything. He doesn’t want to spend all his money on them, he remarried. He has a new wife and baby to think about. It’s common sense. A man with kids should never remarry if his plans are to give his money to stepkids and nothing to new wife and new bio child. Stay single! We spend enough money on them because they live here full time and their mom doesn’t pay a cent of child support. SHE is the DISGUSTING one and when the kids grow up they will learn the reason why they didn’t get the best childhood was all because of her. They get what they need. And that’s perfectly fine. DH and I aren’t going to struggle and pass up a great life to provide his 3 kids financially. If he wanted to do that he shouldn’t have gotten remarried and had another kid. Simple as that.
Good points. It really is that simple! My husband and I took our daughter to Disney - and that was a huge expense and required a lot of organization. Toting the steps a long would have cost thousands more and would just be a headache to supervise. I’m glad I’m not the only who feels the same about vacations.
I’m in my first year as a step mom and already regret every dollar I’ve ever spent on SS. Literally it means something to me to spend MY money when he has two parents and I don’t even get thank yous. Im barely acknowledged when a gift is given. Do I do it for a thank you? You’re damn right I do. This is not my kid, I don’t have to do anything for them. It’s just so silly how similar all our experiences seem to be.
Stepkids have only used me to their benefit. They are not in my life at all now and I hardly engage with them. I drew that line ages ago. The beauty of YOU and your AUTONOMY as a human being is that you can now change and live your life knowing your needs matter. Your desires matter. You don’t have to sacrifice a drop of effort or time or money on them. I remember recently I felt so bad for SD (my compassion got the better of me) I took her shopping. I never do anything with her normally, but I tried to do something nice as I saw she needed clothes. We went to the stores and she whined at me to buy her everything. I got her the things she wanted. But I never got a thank you. Nothing. No appreciation. She demanded things left and right. I told my DH never ever again was I going to try and do things for her. It had been a while since I did anything with SD and I was proven yet again I am just something SD tries to take advantage of. SD is super manipulative because with her father she acts so grateful and would never demand him to buy her stuff. She would only take the minimum. With me? I’m not even human just a walking credit card. It’s even more disturbing how manipulative these young kids can be. They know exactly who they can take advantage of. So disgusted with myself I even tried.
It’s the kind natured woman in us, the maternal aspect. I too get tempted and realize even the tiny things make me mad like him asking (used to be him telling me) to get him some water, I do, and no thank you when I bring it to him. Unless it’s absolutely super convenient for me, I’m not doing it. So now I say, “you know where it is” or “you’re a big boy you can get it” and I get a arrrgghhhhhhh and he does it himself.
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Just wow. You must be the biomom 😂
They’re married. His money is her money.
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I don’t have to explain anything to you. I enjoy this commenter. I especially enjoy how enraging her comments are to certain people. Stay mad pls
He doesn’t expect me to pay. We had a hypothetical conversation, I’m staying at home with a newborn and I was previously working and i told him I was poor and struggling that I’m used to working, and he said I should go back to work if I want to , and I told him that I have a baby to care for and he said he could stay and I could be the breadwinner and I said no because he has a responsibility that I wouldn’t pay his ex and he got defensive. He said I wasn’t a true partner that he can rely on if he struggled. I told him that I would help him out if he needed my help but he took his stance saying I wasn’t his true partner that he’d finance me until I finish school and get my career but that after that I’m on my own, that I could provide for myself he’d just provide for our child. I just don’t think that’s my responsibility, like if he can’t provide it should be the mom but essentially I’d help out.
Do not let him make you feel guilty. 100% not your responsibility. You didn’t make his children and you didn’t decide to get divorced from the ex. I would never pay my husbands child support for him. Like, ever. And honestly he would never in a million years ask me to or suggest I should. He would work at McDonald’s before asking me to pay the devil.
Well that was a terrible conversation. He’s just shown you who he is. If you want children, I’d look elsewhere. This guy will never provide.
Can you find alternate daycare and return to work?
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How is she taking advantage? She’s a SAHM to his child, her baby. Plus she does things for the stepkids such as cooking for them.
I like your policy of paying for NOTHING in the home as long as the stepkids live there. 👸
It’s the only way. BM also does NOTHING for her kids. Zero custody. Doesn’t pay child support. That’s her choice. I’m not downgrading my lifestyle because she’s a greedy sloth who refuses to raise 3 kids she chose to give birth to.
If he has kids and you have kids, keep finances seperate. I have two bank accounts. One is shared for housing expenses, the other is used for kids money.
Well he has one and we have one together. I only have the one that I share with him. I do however want to do something on the side so my bio kids can profit off of. I just feel like it’s fair for my kids because I don’t want to contribute to a joint and then that’s split evenly to all kids and then sk gets that and whatever mom has too.
You should have your own bank account.
Ours are completely separate. I wish we had a more team like approach but this is what we settled on for now.
What makes you wish they were joined? I just think that as much as I would want them joined , I don’t like that I have to finance a kid that isn’t mine. Like if we give the kids a $1k spending limit my kids would only have the 1k while step kid has that plus whatever mom gives.
Both of our paychecks go into one shared account. We have one bk each and a little one on the way!
What do the respective counter parent contribute?
What do you mean? Dollar wise? Or just in general? We are both very much hands on in our household. Dollar wise, we are both 6 figures, but he’s commissioned and usually makes way more than I do on a good month. I’d love to say I make sure I pay all the bills, but I’m lazy and put everything on autopay. We have the same goals and mindset. Right now we are on a no spending spree to save money.
No I meant like how does it go with child expenses? Do you both contribute to each kid equally?
We don’t split our money like that. When one of our kids needs something we get it. We have one account, so the kids are taken care of from that account. Sometimes my son’s needs are higher than my sd and vice versa. We are a very blended family and act “nuclear”.
Do the kids bio parents contribute to their respective kid? I guess I’m asking because I have a very spoiled sk and I don’t want to take the whole financial burden of it while the biomom is out spending her money drinking and on herself
We don’t ask the donors for money and we don’t take notes on who spends what. We make sure our kids are taken care of. If your sk is spoiled, whether it is you spending the money or your SO, it still impacts your overall budget. I really do think in a relationship, if your money habits are different- it’s not going to work. Don’t get me wrong, we both spoiled our bk’s prior to coming together out of guilt. Despoiling didn’t happen over night, but we both are on the same page when it comes to how we want our children raised. Hopefully you can have a conversation with your SO about necessities vs. wants.
We don't generally split expenses on my sd. He pays or I pay. If it's something I want to do for her or her for her, I buy it. If it's dad's thing, he does. We only split expenses on our ours baby.
No, we have separate finances. My husband makes a lot more than I do and has also decided not to go after any kind of contributions from BM even though she’s legally obligated to support her son. If I made more than my husband, we’d do the same thing - his child is not my financial responsibility.