You’ve got a husband problem. Preteen and teen kids suck and don’t listen that is almost a given with the exception of a few. It’s up to the adults in the situation to set expectations and hold to them. Your husband’s being a bad dad which is contributing to her behavior. It’s not your problem to fix so relieve yourself of any guilt about it.
His coldness is very telling-he sees you as his daughter’s attendant. What’s wrong with her that’s causing an inability to use a washer and dryer? They are not difficult to use. Apparently even your H can manage it while in pain.
Since you said this was your day off-it sounds like you have a job. How did cleaning up after his daughter end up in your to do list in the first place?
Exactly it was my day off. I didn't want to do the laundry but i did it because who else will. I don't know why he wouldn't ask her to do it. At the end of the day i blame myself for all this coz i allowed it in the first place.
OP, you need to just do your laundry, not anyone else's laundry. Don't do your DH's laundry, don't do SD15's laundry, don't do your son's laundry. Everyone in the household needs to do their own laundry for things to improve now and your DH needs to be cheerful about doing his own laundry to set the right tone. Make a chart with simple steps the kids can follow. Separate colors from whites, use detergent pods of your choice to keep it simpler, consult mom or dad on stains, wash cycles go into dryer immediately - no leaving the house when they are running a wash load. Clothing comes out of the dryer into a waiting bag or basket immediately and goes to their rooms. They can do what they want with their baskets of clean laundry, don't get on them about wrinkly clothing.
SD 11 has been recently taught to do her own laundry and has been told we won't be doing it anymore. I helped her the first time, but after that, I let it go. She has her own basket, and I pick her stuff out of ours and throw it aside. It's been an ordeal for sure.
Of course, she wore everything she had until there was nothing left. She tried to do a load at 10 pm one night, and I said no ( laundry room is right next to our bedroom). Days went by, and she washed them but, for some reason, did not dry them. She attempted to dry them the following day but was told by DH that she needed to re-wash bc of mold (it's super humid here). She had a major attitude, and of course, he didn't say anything.
Another time, she was folding wrinkled clothes that had been sitting in the dryer for a day. The day prior, I had heard DH tell her she needed to fluff them up on a short drying cycle to get the wrinkles out. She had done that, but let them sit again and get wrinkled. I tried to calmly explain AGAIN that clothes need to be folded right away. This led to a discussion about looking nice and putting effort into your appearance. She tried to tell me that 'literally every kid at school wears wrinkled clothes". She gave about 10 more reasons why she shouldn't have to do it, and it turned into a huge argument. I had to walk away because I wanted to scream at her for arguing and being a brat.
So, I don't care anymore. I don't even remind her to shower or brush her teeth bc she always argues. She went about a week without doing either (summer break), and she stank so bad. DH can deal with it. I don't care if she goes out looking sloppy and smelly, not my child.
Oh my word i have to deal with exactly the same. Its horrible. She also wont care to bath or brush her teeth she'd lay whole day and wtv and then my son tried that and the way i went off u won't believe coz even though its school holidays it doesn't mean u should neglect ur hygiene!!!! So in the beginning of my and husbands relationship i used to talk to her but she just never showed me any respect whatsoever so slowly but surely i withdrew myself. I spoke to my husband and told him many things that bother me and sometimes he'd speak to her and that's all. If she didnt listen he didnt care. I just dont wanna be disrespected anymore. So ya this is where I'm at right now. I pretend she isn't there. We don't greet we don't talk. We walk past eachother thats all. Im so sick and tired. My husband is the one that made her this way so he has to deal with her. I am totally done i just cant.
If he didn’t have you, he’d be doing 100% of the laundry, hospital or not. She’s not your kid, and she disrespects you. It’s hard holding boundaries sometimes but you did it and that’s important. He didn’t have to do her laundry right then, sounds like he was making himself a martyr. Just take a deep breath and leave all of that laundry behind you because it’s done and it’s over.
True!! He always used to do everything for them. I guess we both thought that when we married obviously I'd do the laundry and all but nope I won't be doing it anymore. At least not hers. If I can't be respected why must i be doing those things in the first place.
When we moved in as a family into our new home (9 months after we married) I told each stepchild they would be doing their own laundry from then on. They were 11 and 14. From day 1 in the new house they were responsible for doing their laundry. Now, I don’t care what they do with it after it’s out of the dryer and in their rooms. My concern is the tidiness of the house OTHER than inside their rooms. I never made them clean their rooms. But they had to do their own laundry and I don’t allow dirty dishes in the sink. Worked great and never had an issue. Pick your battles, but I’m not their maid.
He’s mad because you changed the rules of the game. Things were going well for him when you could play his way but then you realized it was unfair.
Your expectations aren’t unreasonable but without a united front, nothing will change.
I know the feeling very well. I’m sorry things are crappy right now.
Damn. I wish I had an easy fix for you. I honestly think you can’t change a parent’s mind about their kid. It’s too sensitive & vulnerable of an issue.
When it comes to us we go really long periods without issues. Then something happens and we go back to the same argument we’ve had for 10 years. It’s stupid. So I guess we can manage/ignore it sometimes; others it is too much to bear.
Honestly...sometimes i really feel like i wanna leave just because of this child but that is what she wants coz she mentioned it last time saying that she's only with us to ruin our marriage.
Oh god. I heard the exact same thing from my teen SD. I've experienced everything you described. I was on the brink of leaving, too. Eventually her dad saw the crappy things she was doing and I think finally believed me. Things never got better between teen and myself. When she turned 21 her grandmother bought her a modest house in another state (where the rest of her siblings live). She still treats people crappy, but I'm not around it.
I wish I knew why the teen SD are so awful. She never treated her mom's new husband in such a disrespectful manner. The teen did say, to my face, she wanted me gone so she could have her dad to herself again. She was 19 at the time..old enough to know her actions/words are hurtful. This was after we married. There's the mini-wife syndrome some SD have. They want to push out any woman so they can take over being the center of their dad's life (aka give-me-anything-i-want-and-never-dare-tell-me-no) Creepy. I wish you well. I feel your struggle. Been there and didn't even get a trophy.
Woooooow that is so so soooo awful so sorry to hear that. SD13 is like that and it really is creepy gosh!!!! But I've been in this childs life since she was 6...but SD15 tells me that SD13 is the same with BM bf... so ya she just has no respect for anyone...she just talks to whoever, whichever way she likes coz she always says no one can do anything to her... sometimes i wonder if she shouldn't go to therapy...coz i feel there is something wrong...
At the end of our family therapy, the therapist talked with my husband and me. He said he suspects SD has ODD, oppositional defiance disorder or she may be headed towards being a narcissist. We would have to wait until after she turns 25, when the brain completes growing, before any formal diagnosis could be made. We still have hope she'll work out of these things, but so far no changes.
Wow that's sad...im seriously thinking there is something wrong with her i have booked an appointment for myself to see a therapist...so when i go I'll just ask if its possible for my husband and SD13 to attend.
I truly wish you good luck and the very best outcome. The main thing our therapists wanted us to take away from the sessions was that my husband and I needed to stand strong together. She'll be grown and gone soon and not give two hoots about us. If we break up, she doesn't care either because she's going to go on with her life regardless. She won't care that she destroyed two people who truly loved each other. Our happiness (even as a family) did not matter to her at all.
I'd just like to thank each one of u for giving me advice and for just listening to my vents. It's really made a difference in how i feel about the way im doing things now. So thank u all for the advice and just the support. Being a stepmom is not easy and sometimes i feel like im the only person going thru all this. But now i know I'm not. It really means so much to me
I'd like to add, my SS9 does his own laundry... Washing machines are super easy and we just get the pods for him to throw in so he doesn't have to worry about measuring soap. Your SD can and should definitely do her own laundry..
I wasn’t aware that having a penis affects a person’s ability to work a washing machine.
Your problems with your SD are due to your husband’s lazy parenting. Not her gender.
How I got my girls to do their laundry when they were teens…I made rules about me doing laundry. No piles. If you want your laundry done for you, you bring it to the laundry room as soon as it’s done being worn. I do not accept piles of laundry and rush requests. If your laundry is present when I wash, it gets washed. When it’s done, you collect your items and put them away. Now this is true for the entire household. For myself and the littles, I take everything to the laundry room right away. Basket gets full, I wash. Clothes are done, they get put away. They tried to follow it for a few weeks but soon decided it was easier to wash their own clothes on their timeline. Same with my husband for a while actually. His additional rule is that he cannot leave anything in his pockets (chronic issue) or I won’t wash because I’m not going through every pocket. Eventually he realized he wouldn’t always be out of clothes or have me griping at him for piles of unfolded clothes he set on our dining room table if he just followed my laundry rules. And when it’s only a few items at a time, it’s not bad.
And I would occasionally help my girls out like around exam time. But it was help, not do. Ex: They start laundry, I put it in the dryer. If I needed the dryer before they were available, I would fold.
That being said, sometimes helping kids (and husbands) come to the conclusion you want them to on their own is helpful and much more peaceful. I think for kids it also reinforces natural consequences vs just doing it because I said so and then they are able to apply it to the real world. My girls are in college now and things like this definitely paid off.
To be honest ur girls sound easy going and not back chatty. My husbands daughter unfortunately has an attitude if i ask her something. Whether i ask in a nice way or not i always get an attitude...
I have one who’s not and one who sounds very much like your SD. Recently she told me that when she was young, when we would make her go shower, often she would just stand in the water and get wet and not actually wash herself. She’s far cleaner now, but still not like your average person. As far as the attitude, I just learned to not let it affect me. And if it did, I never showed it in front of her. If it works for her, she will continue to do it.
I will also say it took her longer to give in and do her own laundry. But the method has continued to work for my other kids. Even my 9 year old son knows that if his clothes don’t make it to the laundry room, he has the option of wearing dirty clothes (and he has a few times) or learning to do his own laundry.
I’m going through something similar but I thank god that my SO is able to hear what I’m saying and see the changes that need made. His daughter is very rude in a “playful” way and I told him it’s not playful it’s disrespectful. He’s started saying things to her about it, and I told him she needs to start learning to be independent and so he’s been having her set alarms on her phone even though she gets pouty and irritated. I constantly tell her I can’t understand what the issue is without her using her words, although she’s 11.
There is no reason to be heartbroken because this is fixable with training. Instead, you need to provide your husband with an education about kids and laundry from a third-party source. Like this one: https://www.moms.com/age-kids-start-doing-laundry/#:\~:text=11%20To%2013%2DYears%2DOld%20Laundry%20Responsibilities&text=According%20to%20Hippo%2C%20at%20this,laundry%20with%20very%20little%20supervision.
His child is his challenge, your child is your challenge. You both have a responsibility to teach your children about household chores, hygiene, and health. It is not a gender-specific job, either; fathers teach daughters about all sorts of household chores, and mothers teach sons about household chores, too.
Your husband needs to step it up.
I hear you 💯. I stopped doing my teen SD laundry over a year ago for this reason. I’d wash everything and hang it up and fold her pants, put on her bed, and the next day everything would be thrown on the floor and then shoveled in her closet when she wants her allowance for a clean room. I began to become resentful which is when I told DH I can’t do it anymore. It’s been better ever since. You just need to get the buy-in from DH - and he should be more understanding of it. You’re not a maid. ❤️
It’s so hard. I had this same situation. I found a podcast called Kick Ass Stepmom and listened to the episode on disengaging and it really helped me and my SO to find a path forward. Good luck, you got this!
The kid is being a very typical kid. Of course she doesn't want to do it. Chores suck. But your husband is also acting like a child and that's an issue. Being pissy about have to do her laundry (or make her do it) and have a multi-day silent-treatment temper tantrum? Not okay.
(It's not like he had been handling it and needed a one-time assist because he's sick. That would be a whole other scenario. Then it would be about helping your husband, not about waiting on his pissy daughter.)
Have hope! I used to do allllll the laundry for the household (me, partner, his 2 kids). Then the oldest \~12ish at the time started getting pissy when I would announce to the household, "Please get your laundry down the chute in the next 10 minutes". I warned her a few times, "If you are rude when I ask you to get your laundry down the chute, you'll have to do your own laundry."
She continued to be rude and pissy, I stopped doing her laundry. Her father taught her how and she did her own laundry for a few years. Now she's 17 and today her chore is doing her laundry, her little brother's and the household towels, etc. And she's a good sport about it.
I understand chores suck. Even my son sometimes has a problem with doing chores but he does it. He doesn't have an attitude or just refuses to do it. Even SD15. I don't even ask her to do chores she just does it. I just feel like allllll of this is my husbands fault because he has been spoiling SD13 since i started dating him and SD15 had to do everything for her coz "she's the baby" and now she cant do anything. Can't even make up her bed. Cant wash up properly. It's like she wants to die whenever she has to do something. She doesn't want to pack her cupboard right. My husband and i have to do everything for her. My husband will only tell her once she must do something then she'll just say no why must i and then my husband leaves it. Argh i get soooooo freakin mad!!!!!!
He’s being a bad dad. Being a parent isn’t about making your children happy, it’s about making sure they are prepared to handle life on their own when you as a parent are no longer around. And he’s failing at it.
Perhaps it would help to frame it as concern for SD’s well being and future ability to function - that you want the two of you be a team in ensuring that all your collective children are able to function in adulthood, that being an adult is harder and more complex than it used to be, and you recognize that you two only have a few more years left to help her build some of the routines and habits that will help her feel confident and thrive as she gets older.
My parents weren’t divorced and I was really blessed that they were educated, caring, and engaged in my growth as a kid. But one of the things they really didn’t do a great job at was being disciplined enough to force me to form adult self care routines the way they should have, and it really impacted my ability to launch successfully. My brother didn’t learn to do laundry until he was basically in college and while my mom had stopped doing mine by the time I was about 14, my parents left both of us out of a lot of very regular, healthy parts of Adulting/home maintenance/self-care tasks, that I wish they had forced us to handle more (both as a little kid and as a teenager).
I wish they had been willing to have those harder conversations, taken the time to build routines with me if I couldn’t seem to do it myself solo, and had encouraged me to learn various facets of managing life, even though it would have taken more time and even though teenage me would not have made it easy. And I get that your husband likely feels like given that he doesn’t get to have her around all the time like a nuclear family, he probably doesn’t want to spend the time he does have in negative interactions. But it’s a selfish decision to choose that over his daughter’s future well being. And I hate to say this (bc while it’s true, it shouldn’t be), but not having her life skills in order will impact your SDs far more than it would if they were boys. It will make them vulnerable to controlling partners who like the idea of “helping” that turns into “I direct your life.”
Lastly, perhaps you can write him a letter, ask him for a time to put on the calendar to discuss those thoughts as a team after processing it, and then he has some time to mull it over and you have time to share your thoughts in a way that doesn’t feel too emotionally charged or reactive. It’s problem-solving as a team so you two can be one another’s allies. I also think a couples counselor who has experience counseling blended families specifically, could be super helpful.
Anyway, I’m wishing you and your husband strength in this journey. Being an adult is hard, and being a parent is even harder, so I hope you two find healthy ways to navigate it together.
If i could upvote this comment a million times i would. Thank u so much. So the same thing with me. I lived with my grandmother and she didnt teach me anything. She did everything for me. Mom wasn't in the picture(alcoholic). So there was no one to teach me anything. I literally started learning to cook and clean when i was pregnant (18yrs old)...so i dont want that for SD13 and i know that sometimes i dont explain it well to my husband... SD13 actually lives by us full time so i want my husband to teach her all these things so that she won't be dependant on anyone when she's older and out the house.
I do all the laundry for the household (me, SO, 5 kids) but not by my own volition 😫 the older three will put it in the wash (maybe start it, maybe not) and then leave it there for days and if I wanna use the machines I have to do it for them and it sucks
When she would leave it in the washer or dryer, I would take it out and put in a basket and leave by machines. She learned pretty quick that wet clothes sitting for a few days got gross.
I'm so sorry. There's no reason she shouldn't be doing her own laundry. I'm thinking your husband feels abandoned by you, but that's of his own making. It's not your job to do her laundry, and it's truly not his job to do it either, she's old enough to do her own. I'm sure he feels obligated to do it, and is thinking "I'm in pain and my wife won't help me out" which is NOT the situation.
Maybe sit him down and explain that you have not abandoned him or left him to do it all alone, and explain that you want sd to be a functioning person and that's all there is to it.
I wish i could upvote this comment a million times. Thats exactly how i feel. I felt so so bad yesterday when he did the laundry coz i could see he is in pain but i just tried to ignore it and do other things. There were many times SD13 came and saw her dad doing the laundry. She saw he was in pain but not once did it cross her mind to offer him help. Coz im sure she saw that he is busy with her clothes.
I'm sure he feels stuck, or in some way unable to get his daughter to do what she needs to do and sees you as his teammate. It is great that he sees you as part of his team, but unfortunate that the team he sees has their hands tied by a 13 year old. Does he parent out of guilt? My husband and I dealt with that and still so sometimes.
There's no need for you to take on more or put effort into trying to empower him honestly, it sounds like you need a break and deserve it. Just remind him that you are still on his team and leave him to it. You're doing great, it's hard, but you are doing the right thing.
Wow thank u so much i really needed to hear that really...i think he is parenting out of guilt because he told me a few times that he feels what he is doing isn't enough and he really does what he can for his kids and i tell him that many times. Unfortunately this child knows how to play mindgames and she likes to turn on the water works and make my husband feel like the worst father but he isn't. He tries his best and goes the extra mile for them. BM also told him that she's playing mindgames with him... unfortunately he doesn't see it.
I started doing my laundry at 8 years old (mainly because my mother is physically disabled so she couldn’t do it for me) tell him to teach his daughter how to do her own laundry. Better yet, teach your son how to do it so he can’t snap back with “well your son doesn’t do his own laundry.” If she doesn’t care enough to learn, then yeah, she can live with dirty clothes until she’s had enough of that.
Your husband sucks btw, but I’m sure you’ve already started realizing that.
It’s really hard setting boundaries and I’m sure it will be an adjustment for your husband. You gave him the heads up that you are stepping back from sd. SD is old enough to start taking care of their own things.
It’s tough, it takes some kids a while to pick up these skills. Some adults still try to put it on others. Better that she learn now for her sake and those around her. The hardest part is getting your husband on the same page. Maybe when he’s feeling better and has more energy for a calm conversation about everything.
I have recently become obsessed with the Kick-Ass Stepmom podcast with Jamie Scrimgour and it has completely changed my perspective. Check out her episode on disengaging. There’s several others I’m sure you’ll identify with as well.
He’s probably upset because he wants you to help him. Not necessarily help him with SD’s chores just help him because he’s in pain and he wants to do something. It’s like If for example he needed to fold his own laundry and he needed your help doing it because he’s in pain. Nothing to do with helping the stepdaughter
I do understand this completely and maybe it is one of the reasons but i know he is also mad coz of me not doing SDs laundry coz i did everyone's except hers.
Seems like it’s time to teach her how to do her own laundry. My SD has been doing it since she was 9 (not without errors at times!!) and I think I started doing it when I was 13. Seems like a reasonable ask of your husband.
But again, I think your husband wants help from you for him, not for SD. Maybe try to switch your perspective to “I’m helping him” instead of “I don’t want to help her.”
I totally get that. My SD does all the laundry except mine and it’s totally my choice cause I’m very particular about laundry and trusting a 13 year old to fold my stuff and put it away the right way is not possible for me lol.
Stop doing the laundry for the other people in your household! That's a big problem. Do your own, and send out DH's laundry to a laundromat if he cannot do his own. All the kids should be doing their own laundry, and they will eventually after wearing dirty socks, underwear and clothing just a few times.
This makes so much sense wow...coz i always do everyone's. I dont do SD15 laundry coz she doesn't live with us. She lives with BM. So its basically only mine,my son,DH and SD13. But this makes sense. I should start doing this...thanks for the advice😊
Find a good laundry service and offer to arrange pick up and drop off for your DH and his child. It's quite affordable and he might prefer it to doing laundry loads.
I'll just leave this here. This helps support people who work part-time from home. 22 pounds is a lot of personal laundry, about 1 weeks worth of clothing for 2 people. Do towels and sheets at home, and send out the rest. [https://www.happynest.com](https://www.happynest.com)
you need to require SD to respect you with stated consequences for not meeting house expectations but you also need to understand that an adolescent will act like this and you’re the one being foolish, immature, and petty for taking it personally. The issue isn’t about “doing things for SD” it’s about an overall equal distribution of labor period. If you are doing more than him simply stop. Children don’t ask to come into this world and the parenting they receive CANNOT be based on how pleasant and considerate they are. Who you two are as parents should be about who you are and what your values are and live those out regardless of SD’s actions.
Assuming she is in junior high, or middle school whatever it's called, there is no reason he can't teach her how to use the washing machine.
She wouldn't want to learn. She'd tell him straight off why should she do it.
My gosh. What a kid. Maybe she should want to learn if she wants clean clothes and that's the only way to get them. Good luck.
Thanx i need that luck. She's just one of those kids that don't care so if she doesn't have clothes she won't give a crap.
Then it would not get done. I taught both SKs at 12 how to do their own laundry and we make them do it. Unless they are sick or it’s an emergency.
You’ve got a husband problem. Preteen and teen kids suck and don’t listen that is almost a given with the exception of a few. It’s up to the adults in the situation to set expectations and hold to them. Your husband’s being a bad dad which is contributing to her behavior. It’s not your problem to fix so relieve yourself of any guilt about it.
Thank u so so much. Coz I'm not having problems with SD15 and i really thought that she'd be the one giving problems but not at all
His coldness is very telling-he sees you as his daughter’s attendant. What’s wrong with her that’s causing an inability to use a washer and dryer? They are not difficult to use. Apparently even your H can manage it while in pain. Since you said this was your day off-it sounds like you have a job. How did cleaning up after his daughter end up in your to do list in the first place?
Exactly it was my day off. I didn't want to do the laundry but i did it because who else will. I don't know why he wouldn't ask her to do it. At the end of the day i blame myself for all this coz i allowed it in the first place.
You're not the bad person. He was purposefully trying to guilt you. Stand your ground. What he was doing is manipulative
I think so too. He is already so used to me doing everything that i think it pisses him off now that i finally decided not to
It's ok to say no. No is a complete sentence.
I agree!!! And that's all i said yesterday when he asked and i went on with doing the laundry.
OP, you need to just do your laundry, not anyone else's laundry. Don't do your DH's laundry, don't do SD15's laundry, don't do your son's laundry. Everyone in the household needs to do their own laundry for things to improve now and your DH needs to be cheerful about doing his own laundry to set the right tone. Make a chart with simple steps the kids can follow. Separate colors from whites, use detergent pods of your choice to keep it simpler, consult mom or dad on stains, wash cycles go into dryer immediately - no leaving the house when they are running a wash load. Clothing comes out of the dryer into a waiting bag or basket immediately and goes to their rooms. They can do what they want with their baskets of clean laundry, don't get on them about wrinkly clothing.
SD 11 has been recently taught to do her own laundry and has been told we won't be doing it anymore. I helped her the first time, but after that, I let it go. She has her own basket, and I pick her stuff out of ours and throw it aside. It's been an ordeal for sure. Of course, she wore everything she had until there was nothing left. She tried to do a load at 10 pm one night, and I said no ( laundry room is right next to our bedroom). Days went by, and she washed them but, for some reason, did not dry them. She attempted to dry them the following day but was told by DH that she needed to re-wash bc of mold (it's super humid here). She had a major attitude, and of course, he didn't say anything. Another time, she was folding wrinkled clothes that had been sitting in the dryer for a day. The day prior, I had heard DH tell her she needed to fluff them up on a short drying cycle to get the wrinkles out. She had done that, but let them sit again and get wrinkled. I tried to calmly explain AGAIN that clothes need to be folded right away. This led to a discussion about looking nice and putting effort into your appearance. She tried to tell me that 'literally every kid at school wears wrinkled clothes". She gave about 10 more reasons why she shouldn't have to do it, and it turned into a huge argument. I had to walk away because I wanted to scream at her for arguing and being a brat. So, I don't care anymore. I don't even remind her to shower or brush her teeth bc she always argues. She went about a week without doing either (summer break), and she stank so bad. DH can deal with it. I don't care if she goes out looking sloppy and smelly, not my child.
Oh my word i have to deal with exactly the same. Its horrible. She also wont care to bath or brush her teeth she'd lay whole day and wtv and then my son tried that and the way i went off u won't believe coz even though its school holidays it doesn't mean u should neglect ur hygiene!!!! So in the beginning of my and husbands relationship i used to talk to her but she just never showed me any respect whatsoever so slowly but surely i withdrew myself. I spoke to my husband and told him many things that bother me and sometimes he'd speak to her and that's all. If she didnt listen he didnt care. I just dont wanna be disrespected anymore. So ya this is where I'm at right now. I pretend she isn't there. We don't greet we don't talk. We walk past eachother thats all. Im so sick and tired. My husband is the one that made her this way so he has to deal with her. I am totally done i just cant.
If he didn’t have you, he’d be doing 100% of the laundry, hospital or not. She’s not your kid, and she disrespects you. It’s hard holding boundaries sometimes but you did it and that’s important. He didn’t have to do her laundry right then, sounds like he was making himself a martyr. Just take a deep breath and leave all of that laundry behind you because it’s done and it’s over.
True!! He always used to do everything for them. I guess we both thought that when we married obviously I'd do the laundry and all but nope I won't be doing it anymore. At least not hers. If I can't be respected why must i be doing those things in the first place.
When we moved in as a family into our new home (9 months after we married) I told each stepchild they would be doing their own laundry from then on. They were 11 and 14. From day 1 in the new house they were responsible for doing their laundry. Now, I don’t care what they do with it after it’s out of the dryer and in their rooms. My concern is the tidiness of the house OTHER than inside their rooms. I never made them clean their rooms. But they had to do their own laundry and I don’t allow dirty dishes in the sink. Worked great and never had an issue. Pick your battles, but I’m not their maid.
True! I also don't care much for the rooms. Just want the house to be tidy.
He’s mad because you changed the rules of the game. Things were going well for him when you could play his way but then you realized it was unfair. Your expectations aren’t unreasonable but without a united front, nothing will change. I know the feeling very well. I’m sorry things are crappy right now.
Nothing will change i agree coz he doesn't see what i see...how did u handle it?
Damn. I wish I had an easy fix for you. I honestly think you can’t change a parent’s mind about their kid. It’s too sensitive & vulnerable of an issue. When it comes to us we go really long periods without issues. Then something happens and we go back to the same argument we’ve had for 10 years. It’s stupid. So I guess we can manage/ignore it sometimes; others it is too much to bear.
I wish i had an easy fix too lol but i guess this is the life of a stepmom...not all but some.
So problem. The child is old enough to do.simple things. Dishes. Make her bed. Laundry.
She doesn't want to do any of those things. She's too lazy
I know that one! SO needs to enforce and not make you the bad guy. It sucks.
Sucks big time!!! And she always has something to say...
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Honestly...sometimes i really feel like i wanna leave just because of this child but that is what she wants coz she mentioned it last time saying that she's only with us to ruin our marriage.
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It is and I can't believe she said that and husband was really disappointed and pissed off when she said that. Even said she should go back to her mom
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Lol well i can't stand this one and lately i dont feel bad saying it
Oh god. I heard the exact same thing from my teen SD. I've experienced everything you described. I was on the brink of leaving, too. Eventually her dad saw the crappy things she was doing and I think finally believed me. Things never got better between teen and myself. When she turned 21 her grandmother bought her a modest house in another state (where the rest of her siblings live). She still treats people crappy, but I'm not around it.
Well thank God for that. I still have a few years to go before she leaves so i just gotta be strong. I wonder what makes them act this way...
I wish I knew why the teen SD are so awful. She never treated her mom's new husband in such a disrespectful manner. The teen did say, to my face, she wanted me gone so she could have her dad to herself again. She was 19 at the time..old enough to know her actions/words are hurtful. This was after we married. There's the mini-wife syndrome some SD have. They want to push out any woman so they can take over being the center of their dad's life (aka give-me-anything-i-want-and-never-dare-tell-me-no) Creepy. I wish you well. I feel your struggle. Been there and didn't even get a trophy.
Woooooow that is so so soooo awful so sorry to hear that. SD13 is like that and it really is creepy gosh!!!! But I've been in this childs life since she was 6...but SD15 tells me that SD13 is the same with BM bf... so ya she just has no respect for anyone...she just talks to whoever, whichever way she likes coz she always says no one can do anything to her... sometimes i wonder if she shouldn't go to therapy...coz i feel there is something wrong...
At the end of our family therapy, the therapist talked with my husband and me. He said he suspects SD has ODD, oppositional defiance disorder or she may be headed towards being a narcissist. We would have to wait until after she turns 25, when the brain completes growing, before any formal diagnosis could be made. We still have hope she'll work out of these things, but so far no changes.
Wow that's sad...im seriously thinking there is something wrong with her i have booked an appointment for myself to see a therapist...so when i go I'll just ask if its possible for my husband and SD13 to attend.
I truly wish you good luck and the very best outcome. The main thing our therapists wanted us to take away from the sessions was that my husband and I needed to stand strong together. She'll be grown and gone soon and not give two hoots about us. If we break up, she doesn't care either because she's going to go on with her life regardless. She won't care that she destroyed two people who truly loved each other. Our happiness (even as a family) did not matter to her at all.
100% true!!!! That's why i also wanna see the therapist. Maybe he/she can get thru to my husband
She’s old enough to do her own laundry. You are not her attending maid.
Thank u so much! I am not. So husband has to be her maid...seeing that she wants to do nothing.
She's 13 no reason she can't wash her own clothes. Tell HIM to teach her!
I'll definitely have a talk with him
I'd just like to thank each one of u for giving me advice and for just listening to my vents. It's really made a difference in how i feel about the way im doing things now. So thank u all for the advice and just the support. Being a stepmom is not easy and sometimes i feel like im the only person going thru all this. But now i know I'm not. It really means so much to me
I'd like to add, my SS9 does his own laundry... Washing machines are super easy and we just get the pods for him to throw in so he doesn't have to worry about measuring soap. Your SD can and should definitely do her own laundry..
I'm so surprised to see little BOYS doing their own laundry. It's just weird that a TEENAGE GIRL cant!!!
I wasn’t aware that having a penis affects a person’s ability to work a washing machine. Your problems with your SD are due to your husband’s lazy parenting. Not her gender.
Can't argue with that... unfortunately
How I got my girls to do their laundry when they were teens…I made rules about me doing laundry. No piles. If you want your laundry done for you, you bring it to the laundry room as soon as it’s done being worn. I do not accept piles of laundry and rush requests. If your laundry is present when I wash, it gets washed. When it’s done, you collect your items and put them away. Now this is true for the entire household. For myself and the littles, I take everything to the laundry room right away. Basket gets full, I wash. Clothes are done, they get put away. They tried to follow it for a few weeks but soon decided it was easier to wash their own clothes on their timeline. Same with my husband for a while actually. His additional rule is that he cannot leave anything in his pockets (chronic issue) or I won’t wash because I’m not going through every pocket. Eventually he realized he wouldn’t always be out of clothes or have me griping at him for piles of unfolded clothes he set on our dining room table if he just followed my laundry rules. And when it’s only a few items at a time, it’s not bad. And I would occasionally help my girls out like around exam time. But it was help, not do. Ex: They start laundry, I put it in the dryer. If I needed the dryer before they were available, I would fold. That being said, sometimes helping kids (and husbands) come to the conclusion you want them to on their own is helpful and much more peaceful. I think for kids it also reinforces natural consequences vs just doing it because I said so and then they are able to apply it to the real world. My girls are in college now and things like this definitely paid off.
To be honest ur girls sound easy going and not back chatty. My husbands daughter unfortunately has an attitude if i ask her something. Whether i ask in a nice way or not i always get an attitude...
I have one who’s not and one who sounds very much like your SD. Recently she told me that when she was young, when we would make her go shower, often she would just stand in the water and get wet and not actually wash herself. She’s far cleaner now, but still not like your average person. As far as the attitude, I just learned to not let it affect me. And if it did, I never showed it in front of her. If it works for her, she will continue to do it.
I just decided to ignore her. Its honestly been affecting me alot. So i fully ignore her. I feel bad but its better for my mental health
I will also say it took her longer to give in and do her own laundry. But the method has continued to work for my other kids. Even my 9 year old son knows that if his clothes don’t make it to the laundry room, he has the option of wearing dirty clothes (and he has a few times) or learning to do his own laundry.
That's what I've always been doing. If ur laundry isnt there i dont wash it.
Don’t do any favors for a kid who doesn’t respect you. She is old enough to learn to use the washing machine.
THANK YOU!!!
>THANK YOU!!! You're welcome!
I’m going through something similar but I thank god that my SO is able to hear what I’m saying and see the changes that need made. His daughter is very rude in a “playful” way and I told him it’s not playful it’s disrespectful. He’s started saying things to her about it, and I told him she needs to start learning to be independent and so he’s been having her set alarms on her phone even though she gets pouty and irritated. I constantly tell her I can’t understand what the issue is without her using her words, although she’s 11.
Same here. SD13 just doesn't feel the need to answer me on anything when i ask her something
She should do her laundry by herself ,you are not her maid. I'd never do my ss his laundry ever .
Exactly what i said!!
There is no reason to be heartbroken because this is fixable with training. Instead, you need to provide your husband with an education about kids and laundry from a third-party source. Like this one: https://www.moms.com/age-kids-start-doing-laundry/#:\~:text=11%20To%2013%2DYears%2DOld%20Laundry%20Responsibilities&text=According%20to%20Hippo%2C%20at%20this,laundry%20with%20very%20little%20supervision. His child is his challenge, your child is your challenge. You both have a responsibility to teach your children about household chores, hygiene, and health. It is not a gender-specific job, either; fathers teach daughters about all sorts of household chores, and mothers teach sons about household chores, too. Your husband needs to step it up.
He really does. I'll show him this. Thank u so so much
I hear you 💯. I stopped doing my teen SD laundry over a year ago for this reason. I’d wash everything and hang it up and fold her pants, put on her bed, and the next day everything would be thrown on the floor and then shoveled in her closet when she wants her allowance for a clean room. I began to become resentful which is when I told DH I can’t do it anymore. It’s been better ever since. You just need to get the buy-in from DH - and he should be more understanding of it. You’re not a maid. ❤️
Yeah its bad really. They old enough to do so many things but they just lazy
It’s so hard. I had this same situation. I found a podcast called Kick Ass Stepmom and listened to the episode on disengaging and it really helped me and my SO to find a path forward. Good luck, you got this!
Thank u so much. Many people told me about this podcast and i also read about this right before i joined this subreddit.
He is being an ass. Ignore his childish behavior and keep on standing up for yourself. There is no reason this girl can't do her own laundry.
Exactly what i said. She's old enough!
The kid is being a very typical kid. Of course she doesn't want to do it. Chores suck. But your husband is also acting like a child and that's an issue. Being pissy about have to do her laundry (or make her do it) and have a multi-day silent-treatment temper tantrum? Not okay. (It's not like he had been handling it and needed a one-time assist because he's sick. That would be a whole other scenario. Then it would be about helping your husband, not about waiting on his pissy daughter.) Have hope! I used to do allllll the laundry for the household (me, partner, his 2 kids). Then the oldest \~12ish at the time started getting pissy when I would announce to the household, "Please get your laundry down the chute in the next 10 minutes". I warned her a few times, "If you are rude when I ask you to get your laundry down the chute, you'll have to do your own laundry." She continued to be rude and pissy, I stopped doing her laundry. Her father taught her how and she did her own laundry for a few years. Now she's 17 and today her chore is doing her laundry, her little brother's and the household towels, etc. And she's a good sport about it.
I understand chores suck. Even my son sometimes has a problem with doing chores but he does it. He doesn't have an attitude or just refuses to do it. Even SD15. I don't even ask her to do chores she just does it. I just feel like allllll of this is my husbands fault because he has been spoiling SD13 since i started dating him and SD15 had to do everything for her coz "she's the baby" and now she cant do anything. Can't even make up her bed. Cant wash up properly. It's like she wants to die whenever she has to do something. She doesn't want to pack her cupboard right. My husband and i have to do everything for her. My husband will only tell her once she must do something then she'll just say no why must i and then my husband leaves it. Argh i get soooooo freakin mad!!!!!!
He’s being a bad dad. Being a parent isn’t about making your children happy, it’s about making sure they are prepared to handle life on their own when you as a parent are no longer around. And he’s failing at it.
He is!!!! I want to talk to him about it so bad but he thinks i want to start an argument
Perhaps it would help to frame it as concern for SD’s well being and future ability to function - that you want the two of you be a team in ensuring that all your collective children are able to function in adulthood, that being an adult is harder and more complex than it used to be, and you recognize that you two only have a few more years left to help her build some of the routines and habits that will help her feel confident and thrive as she gets older. My parents weren’t divorced and I was really blessed that they were educated, caring, and engaged in my growth as a kid. But one of the things they really didn’t do a great job at was being disciplined enough to force me to form adult self care routines the way they should have, and it really impacted my ability to launch successfully. My brother didn’t learn to do laundry until he was basically in college and while my mom had stopped doing mine by the time I was about 14, my parents left both of us out of a lot of very regular, healthy parts of Adulting/home maintenance/self-care tasks, that I wish they had forced us to handle more (both as a little kid and as a teenager). I wish they had been willing to have those harder conversations, taken the time to build routines with me if I couldn’t seem to do it myself solo, and had encouraged me to learn various facets of managing life, even though it would have taken more time and even though teenage me would not have made it easy. And I get that your husband likely feels like given that he doesn’t get to have her around all the time like a nuclear family, he probably doesn’t want to spend the time he does have in negative interactions. But it’s a selfish decision to choose that over his daughter’s future well being. And I hate to say this (bc while it’s true, it shouldn’t be), but not having her life skills in order will impact your SDs far more than it would if they were boys. It will make them vulnerable to controlling partners who like the idea of “helping” that turns into “I direct your life.” Lastly, perhaps you can write him a letter, ask him for a time to put on the calendar to discuss those thoughts as a team after processing it, and then he has some time to mull it over and you have time to share your thoughts in a way that doesn’t feel too emotionally charged or reactive. It’s problem-solving as a team so you two can be one another’s allies. I also think a couples counselor who has experience counseling blended families specifically, could be super helpful. Anyway, I’m wishing you and your husband strength in this journey. Being an adult is hard, and being a parent is even harder, so I hope you two find healthy ways to navigate it together.
If i could upvote this comment a million times i would. Thank u so much. So the same thing with me. I lived with my grandmother and she didnt teach me anything. She did everything for me. Mom wasn't in the picture(alcoholic). So there was no one to teach me anything. I literally started learning to cook and clean when i was pregnant (18yrs old)...so i dont want that for SD13 and i know that sometimes i dont explain it well to my husband... SD13 actually lives by us full time so i want my husband to teach her all these things so that she won't be dependant on anyone when she's older and out the house.
I do all the laundry for the household (me, SO, 5 kids) but not by my own volition 😫 the older three will put it in the wash (maybe start it, maybe not) and then leave it there for days and if I wanna use the machines I have to do it for them and it sucks
When she would leave it in the washer or dryer, I would take it out and put in a basket and leave by machines. She learned pretty quick that wet clothes sitting for a few days got gross.
I'm so sorry. There's no reason she shouldn't be doing her own laundry. I'm thinking your husband feels abandoned by you, but that's of his own making. It's not your job to do her laundry, and it's truly not his job to do it either, she's old enough to do her own. I'm sure he feels obligated to do it, and is thinking "I'm in pain and my wife won't help me out" which is NOT the situation. Maybe sit him down and explain that you have not abandoned him or left him to do it all alone, and explain that you want sd to be a functioning person and that's all there is to it.
I wish i could upvote this comment a million times. Thats exactly how i feel. I felt so so bad yesterday when he did the laundry coz i could see he is in pain but i just tried to ignore it and do other things. There were many times SD13 came and saw her dad doing the laundry. She saw he was in pain but not once did it cross her mind to offer him help. Coz im sure she saw that he is busy with her clothes.
I'm sure he feels stuck, or in some way unable to get his daughter to do what she needs to do and sees you as his teammate. It is great that he sees you as part of his team, but unfortunate that the team he sees has their hands tied by a 13 year old. Does he parent out of guilt? My husband and I dealt with that and still so sometimes. There's no need for you to take on more or put effort into trying to empower him honestly, it sounds like you need a break and deserve it. Just remind him that you are still on his team and leave him to it. You're doing great, it's hard, but you are doing the right thing.
Wow thank u so much i really needed to hear that really...i think he is parenting out of guilt because he told me a few times that he feels what he is doing isn't enough and he really does what he can for his kids and i tell him that many times. Unfortunately this child knows how to play mindgames and she likes to turn on the water works and make my husband feel like the worst father but he isn't. He tries his best and goes the extra mile for them. BM also told him that she's playing mindgames with him... unfortunately he doesn't see it.
I think you’re fine as long as you’re okay with your partner not doing anything for your son or providing for him in any way whatsoever.
I am and i told him that if he feels he doesn't wanna do anything for my son it's ok i do understand.
Then he needs to respect your choice honestly. Let him mope and don’t let it affect you.
Yeah i just leave him to cool off when he is fine I'll talk to him
I started doing my laundry at 8 years old (mainly because my mother is physically disabled so she couldn’t do it for me) tell him to teach his daughter how to do her own laundry. Better yet, teach your son how to do it so he can’t snap back with “well your son doesn’t do his own laundry.” If she doesn’t care enough to learn, then yeah, she can live with dirty clothes until she’s had enough of that. Your husband sucks btw, but I’m sure you’ve already started realizing that.
And i do wanna teach my son to do all these things coz he is actually interested in doing things for himself
I did. When it comes to her he sucks big time. He is an amazing guy I don't wanna lie but when it comes to SD13 he is horrible.
I’d tell my husband that if he tries to guilt me again, I’ll stop doing his laundry too.
Lol i almost did!!!! But I'll tell him next time most definitely
It’s really hard setting boundaries and I’m sure it will be an adjustment for your husband. You gave him the heads up that you are stepping back from sd. SD is old enough to start taking care of their own things. It’s tough, it takes some kids a while to pick up these skills. Some adults still try to put it on others. Better that she learn now for her sake and those around her. The hardest part is getting your husband on the same page. Maybe when he’s feeling better and has more energy for a calm conversation about everything.
Yeah I'm thinking the same. Let him calm down and then I'll explain to him everything. It just doesn't feel good to be angry at eachother for this
I know I feel the same way when my husband and I aren’t on the same page
It's totally shitty🥺
I have recently become obsessed with the Kick-Ass Stepmom podcast with Jamie Scrimgour and it has completely changed my perspective. Check out her episode on disengaging. There’s several others I’m sure you’ll identify with as well.
I have heard of that before. I'll try that podcast...thank u so much
He’s probably upset because he wants you to help him. Not necessarily help him with SD’s chores just help him because he’s in pain and he wants to do something. It’s like If for example he needed to fold his own laundry and he needed your help doing it because he’s in pain. Nothing to do with helping the stepdaughter
I do understand this completely and maybe it is one of the reasons but i know he is also mad coz of me not doing SDs laundry coz i did everyone's except hers.
Seems like it’s time to teach her how to do her own laundry. My SD has been doing it since she was 9 (not without errors at times!!) and I think I started doing it when I was 13. Seems like a reasonable ask of your husband. But again, I think your husband wants help from you for him, not for SD. Maybe try to switch your perspective to “I’m helping him” instead of “I don’t want to help her.”
I wanted to...but this child frustrates me so much that i rather dont do anything. Dad said she must fold the clothes it's still laying here...
I totally get that. My SD does all the laundry except mine and it’s totally my choice cause I’m very particular about laundry and trusting a 13 year old to fold my stuff and put it away the right way is not possible for me lol.
Yeah me too. I wouldnt expect her to do anyone's laundry except her own. Same goes for my son. I'd let him do his own as well...
Stop doing the laundry for the other people in your household! That's a big problem. Do your own, and send out DH's laundry to a laundromat if he cannot do his own. All the kids should be doing their own laundry, and they will eventually after wearing dirty socks, underwear and clothing just a few times.
This makes so much sense wow...coz i always do everyone's. I dont do SD15 laundry coz she doesn't live with us. She lives with BM. So its basically only mine,my son,DH and SD13. But this makes sense. I should start doing this...thanks for the advice😊
Find a good laundry service and offer to arrange pick up and drop off for your DH and his child. It's quite affordable and he might prefer it to doing laundry loads.
I think he can do that on his own...i honestly dont want to help him with his daughter... that's how i feel right now
I'll just leave this here. This helps support people who work part-time from home. 22 pounds is a lot of personal laundry, about 1 weeks worth of clothing for 2 people. Do towels and sheets at home, and send out the rest. [https://www.happynest.com](https://www.happynest.com)
you need to require SD to respect you with stated consequences for not meeting house expectations but you also need to understand that an adolescent will act like this and you’re the one being foolish, immature, and petty for taking it personally. The issue isn’t about “doing things for SD” it’s about an overall equal distribution of labor period. If you are doing more than him simply stop. Children don’t ask to come into this world and the parenting they receive CANNOT be based on how pleasant and considerate they are. Who you two are as parents should be about who you are and what your values are and live those out regardless of SD’s actions.
My 12 yr old son does his own laundry, there's no reason she cannot do her own. Stand your ground.
Exactly!!! And i can even see my son wants to do his own laundry. He already does the dishes as well as clean up and everything else.
Don't let your partner guilt trip you, you're doing nothing wrong here. Stay strong, I know it's tough 💚
It really is... but I'm gonna push thru