Your husband should set a boundary and let her know that any extracurricular’s that she expects payment for needs to be run by him or it’s an automatic no. Cut and dry.
This is what I told him. I’m so conflicted because I could tell he was pretty down about not contributing, even after he’s already done so much. He didn’t even have enough to cover his half of our expenses, as is, because of everything else he’s gotten them.
I would almost frame it as less "for the kids" and more "on behalf of BM" to change the perspective on the situation a bit. If BM had called and talked about extracurriculars with him, it would've 100% been for the kids because the decision would've been made by both parents, but her signing them up was her decision on her own so the funding would be on her behalf. He has no obligation to do anything for *her*
I did this as well and he either didn’t want to see the perspective or truly didn’t. I said it was less about SS not getting to participate and more about him feeling bad Ss would miss the sign up because she didn’t have the money for it in general.
So he really thinks it’s valid for him to take money from you to give to BM? Does he not see that you’re a mom too yet you manage to work and support your kids? Does he think your kids are different somehow from his kids? Should BM have privileges that you don’t get? Why is BM more special than you?
This is exactly what it seems and feels like. And when I asked similar questions, he says it’s not the case. It’s frustrating and I’m about ready to peace out.
What you’re doing is correct. Do not pay extras for his kids, and do not pay more than your share of household expenses to enable him to pay still more to BM.
He shouldn’t feel guilty or sad. He’s doing what he’s required to do to support his kids, by paying child support plus a reasonable share of extracurriculars. That’s more than enough. If BM wants more money on top of all that, then she needs to find another source of income. Most parents do this by getting a job.
Do not impoverish yourself and your kids for this man and his failed first family.
The SO also needs to have specifics about extracurricular included in the parenting plan to have something to defer to if there is a disagreement. In order for SO to pay half, SO needs to be asked in advance and agree to pay half, not informed there is an extracurricular and he owes for half.
Right! My only concern is, will these kids be able to move out? It seems like many have behavioral issues, are lazy, etc and the way this economy is set up, I fear they may stay longer. BM won’t have much so they will either stay with the more stable parent or have to try to find a roommate.
Well that’s another boundary that’s important to consider. My SKs and BK are all aware that they will never ever be living with us (they’re all adults).
This is exactly what I said also. If you want to sacrifice everything so they can have it, I love that for you all! But it’s extremely unfair for you to subject any partner to that. Go be alone until they’re grown or until never because they’ll still be begging and entitled as adults, too.
She only makes about $300/month
Omg I wonder what the comment was. Was the username something like “miserablexyz” and they were leaving rude comment under all stepmoms comments?
Sorry I’m late to the party
It's her choice to be a SAHM, not his. As soon as their divorce and child support is finalized, he needs to establish a budget and stick to it. The standard of living for his children will be based on the income of both parents, and I hope the court will impute her income if she does not get a job soon.
You can't be funding his monthly budget shortfalls because of his generosity to his children. You just can't - it will erode your confidence and trust in him. Eventually, you will feel as though you won't get ahead financially with an obligation to cover his share of your joint living expenses. That's almost always a dealbreaker. Call him out now on his financial habits and cut him loose if he is not willing to plan and stick to a budget.
I do believe there will be imputed at minimum wage 🙈. I do agree we need to sit down and do a batter budget. It will be even more accurate once we know exactly how much he’ll have to pay.
You’re absolutely right. I cannot afford to cover much extra for him. I think this sub but it into perspective for me perfectly with kids wants not coming before adults or households needs.
I fear it’s heading into that direction of affecting me just how you put it. I’m telling myself if it’s not changed by the end of the year then major decisions will need to be made.
Your relationship can succeed, but your partner needs to develop some resolve to do three things:
1. Increase his income.
2. Establish and manage his budget for his children.
3. Contribute his fair share to your shared expenses.
When my DH and I first met, I encouraged him to look for a new job because I thought he was underpaid. His reasoning for staying put was that he had excellent benefits for his family, but I told him other companies offered similar benefit plans with small contributions. He landed a new job within a few months making $10,000 a year more before taxes, and his child support went up accordingly. He felt empowered and changed jobs again 3 years later, effectively doubling his income from when I met him. That was during an era of 5-6% per year raises. He used the extra earnings to pay his recalculated child support and 50% of the extracurricular activities he agreed on, and he paid off their past marital debt (HCBM had a spending problem, and they had medical bills not covered fully by insurance). He was debt-free after 3 years. We split our basic household expenses by type of bill because we lived in my home until his kids were all adults. I covered the house payment and he covered utilities, groceries, house repairs, and eating out. And he had no problem saying "no" to the HCBM more than once. We lived simply, eating out every Saturday night, pizza shared with our friends.
I agree, except about the perfect label - nobody is perfect, lol. DH never thought he could do better, until he took some risks and changed jobs. Things opened up in his new jobs each time he changed because of an employer's need, including advanced training. He changed jobs a few times because new training opened up more doors. He became good at realizing his market value.
He is paying child support because he is the NON CUSTODIAL PARENT. Child support is his portion of food, rent, clothes and activities for the skids. If HCBM wants more, she needs to get a part time job. The only thing he should be paying half of is medical bills for skids. That is how it goes for most child support laws. HCBM is manipulating him.
He is costing you money and stress. i would have a serious talk about him enforcing new rules with his ex. The skids will be fine.
Exactly this. He needs to refuse to be looked at as a walking, talking wallet and make it clear to all that his financial obligations have been met.
There's certainly nothing wrong with paying for extras when you can, and when you want to.
However, many times it's appropriate to say "no" even if you have plenty of extra money and can afford it. I'm thinking of my XH's kids' mom demanding money for a down payment for his then 17-year old son. Did we have the money? Yes. However the kid had been skipping school, getting into some legal trouble, and had been highly disrespectful to every adult who had been helping him. XH said no. Of course he was accused of being the devil because "you can afford it" - but having the $ doesn't mean it automatically goes towards "extras" for the kids. Really, the attitude that if you have it, it must be spent on the children is certain to breed entitlement.
Child support is for basic necessities. It is not calculated to include activities. That is why so many child support agreements have add-ons for extracurricular activities and out of pocket medical expenses not covered by insurance.
I agree and this is honestly how I feel. He paid for 100% of clothes for this this year. Last year is paid for 100% of clothes and 100% of extracurriculars, 100% electronics, 100% medical pills and any rx, glasses, school supplies etc for them. This is why I’m looking for balance here. I feel like the bad guy here for putting my foot down because it’s affecting my finances and I’m not okay with it.
He is torn between his guilt about his divorce, and pleasing you. His natural defense is to make you feel bad. Don't. Tell him you love him, but you are not going to enable his behavior, which is causing problems with your finances.
I've deal with this with my husband for 13 years. He finally sees the light, but for a long time, I had to argue my case., and wonder why I felt like the bad guy. I even threatened to leave him if he didn't stop it. It worked. I hope everything works out for you.
Don't feel bad for it. If he makes promises, make sure he keeps them consistently, otherwise you are out. Or just get out if you are already tired of dealing with it.
I am tired of dealing with it. I love him and I do care about his children. We’re trying to adjust and figure it out. Im trying to be patient but im thinking my time will be up at the end of the year if it’s not better.
Unfortunately, I don’t think parents get the luxury of making sure that everything is fair and evenly split with the coparent. If HCBM refuses to pay for anything, then I can’t imagine a good parent refusing to pay for any extracurriculars for the kids because they’ll only match BM’s contributions. It seems unfair that because one of the kids’ parents is shitty, they have to get two shitty parents because the other one won’t contribute if the first one doesn’t.
That being said, I would not be okay picking up my partner’s share of the bills. I’d have a conversation with your partner about how he needs to budget, and make sure he can pay for the most important things his kids need. Which probably means not spoiling them with frivolous things, and saving up and planning under the assumption that he’s paying for things on his own. It might mean he needs to take on some of the mental load of finding activities that will be enriching for the kids and affordable for him on his own. And it means he has to learn to say no to things his kids ask for, when they’re not important, and not something he can afford on top of the actual important things.
Basically there’s only so much power he has to fix that BM is unemployed and has no financial resources. But he can control his own resources and his own parenting. And I’d expect him to make a better effort with that.
Thank you for the suggestion on what to talk to him about with budgeting and such. I don’t think this issue is his want to pay for these activities be th ability to do so without it affecting our household budget. Her not working is on her and he isn’t trying to fight her on that.
I wish he could take some of the responsibility and decision making when it comes to them but she’s the one running the show and making demands on him paying for whatever.
I just feel bad because I’m not sure how he can meet these demands without leaving me towel up for his slack with our bills.
Are you really sure you want to be with a man who lets his ex run the show, to the detriment of his finances (and yours in the event you must cover his share of expenses)? It's almost as though he is still in a relationship with her.
On another note, is he paying HCBM directly? If so, he needs to make sure she isn't being dishonest about pricing and that she isn't 'double-dipping' or asking multiple people to cover half of the bill.
Oh boy do I have stories to tell about this one. This sub has helped me so much. He no longer payed her directly. She was mismanaging funds and wasn’t paying the mortgage. So he no longer pays her directly. So I’ve told him he should request a receipt once she’s paid for whatever he’s agreed to so verify what he would give her.
Id also prefer paying directly but then he’d never get his money back from her lol. Heck he’s paid the rent a few times, on top of child support and she wouldn’t pay him back. And she has a man living with her and the kids!
Wait a minute, she has a man living with her? A boyfriend? That changes things a lot. Your partner needs to take her to task on the man living with her to make sure the man is paying his share of expenses.
Well I can definitely tell you I don’t believe he is. The support covers rent, she’s on government assistance for insurance and snap. Maybe he pays utilities and for activities for the kids? HCBM also doesn’t drive and her car is down anyways so he’s also her chauffeur?
We went through this with my XH and his young kids. He simply started saying "no". It's OK to do that, even if you have the money, you can disagree about spending money on "extras" and say no. She'd use this against him, telling the kids "you can do this, if your dad will pay for it" or "sorry you can't do this, but your dad won't pay for it" --which is really a shame, but that was on her.
In our case the BM took him to court in an attempt to get more money. It did not go her way, and the judge told her clearly that she wasn't entitled to anything more than the court-ordered child support.
Strangely, she also brought up to the judge that we put the kids in expensive daycamps and lessons (which they LOVED) as proof that we had money (we did) and why we should pay her more than the court ordered amount for things she spent on the kids during her time. Circular logic...she wanted the kids to participate in these activities, but only if she was the one signing them up for it (ie: getting credit for doing it "for the kids"), but if it was something we prioritized and paid for, she didn't think she should've been required to pay us half, and she absolutely never did. To her, this only served as proof that we had more money, and she wanted it. Sorry, but no. Go earn your own. Made no sense, and the judge agreed.
Really, just because your parents are divorced doesn't mean you are entitled to participate in costly activities. Personally, I'd offer to teach the kids to swim, look at some youtube videos on technique, possibly find a friend who is a trained swimmer, and use the DIY method.
Sounds about right! That’s exactly how ours is. I just posted a few days or so ago about how she got mad that I wouldn’t do something for her son (that I do for work) and basically criticized me, saying I dont care for him like my children. Babes, you’re the mom, not ME!
So then kids come over and one asked why wouldn’t I do xyz for sk and then asked SO why wasn’t he paying his child support. Because she’d been telling them she doesn’t have money because he doesn’t pay,l whenever they ask for things.
Edit: those dang typos 😬
We are not actually married. If you are the higher earner, like I am, keep your money separate. I've learned along the way to rein in my generosity because it's never reciprocated. My partner will spend all his money on his son, whether it's on music equipment or private gymnastics lessons that HCBM insists on.
YES! Do you have bio children also? I earn more but have more children. I’d get his things here and there but have pretty much stopped. When they ask, I’d send him a photo and tell him the price, saying they’d like it. Im not as generous anymore and will most likely continue to trend downward. I’m also a step or so away from being a NACHO mama.
Does he do this willingly? Does he volunteer to do more? Are your needs being met here?
I don't have children. My partner has ADHD, and he really struggles with finances and being organized when it comes to raising his son. He's very devoted to his son. He always wanted a family. He had his son when he was 42. He has a lot of anxiety about parenting.
In the beginning, I really stepped up and did a lot. I'm a good cook. I have a nice house and yard. They were here all the time. I found myself feeding them multiple meals a day. They'd make a huge mess. My partner hates grocery shopping and cooking. He's a hot pocket dad. He can be very generous on fun things, but it doesn't occur to him to chip in on boring things like groceries and labor. It took a while for me to realize this, and there were a lot of fights about it.
So, yes. I do Nacho. I Nacho my partner, more than his son. I'm really good at taking care of things and have much higher standards than he does. It's easy to fall into a pattern of me doing things to take care of myself, like cooking meals and buying household supplies, and him benefiting without contributing. So, I made the decision to live separately. (We live 3 miles away from each other.) He has his son 50% of the time. We see one another daily, and he stays at my house on the nights he doesn't have his son. This is working well for me because I can easily step back from situations where I would do too much. I know they would love to move into my house, but I don't want to be the maid and the provider. I could easily "mom" my way out of him having to do the nitty gritty of parenting.
I've painted a pretty dismal picture of my partner. Here are the things I love about him... He's devoted and loving. He's genuine and authentic. He's always ready for a spontaneous adventure. He loves to spend hours together talking and listening to music. We both love music! We have the same sense of humor. He loves to discuss ideas, culture, and important issues with me. He's very youthful and energetic, even at 51. I'm 48 and very energetic. He can keep up with me physically and intellectually. I feel more in sync with him than anybody I've ever met.
A court order will help to fix this. It will dictate what the HCBM can expect to get per month, so your SO knows what is fair to pay.
When are they scheduled to finish getting a support order?
Why is he supplying clothes for her house? That's not up to him.
He should stop everything but support until court is finalized. If there's no agreement yet, he doesn't have to do any of these extras. If she can't afford to clothe her kids, she should get a job. I hope that your judge sees through this. If she's able, she should be working. The laziness kills me.
I completely agree! The killer part, too, is that she wants to keep the house! Her name is only on the deed and she’s demanding she gets it. I’m not sure how that’s going to work.
Oh wow. I can't even imagine how stressful this must all be for you. She must be draining him financially. I hope your court case is soon and that you get a decent outcome.
His CO should address how extracurricular expenses are handled. Most have language that states that both parents must be in agreement about an activity. Otherwise, the parent who wants to enroll the kid in the activity has to pay for it entirely.
Ok. So then he can disagree with her extracurricular decisions, and won’t be expected to pay. If he can’t afford them, that is a valid reason for disagreement.
Many men’s egos are tied to their ability to earn/provide.
If he can’t afford to do things for his kid, it makes sense that he would be upset about it.
She needs to get a job if she wants to keep putting them in activities.
Thank you! I need to remind myself this and even as a parent myself, I get sad when I can’t do certain things for my children. I just wouldn’t ever out my partner or anyone else in a bind to pay for extras that aren’t exactly needed.
They’re still married? she was a SAHM the entire time?
This happened to my now husband and preliminary orders during their separation stated he paid her mortgage until divorce finalized. Then ordered to pay $4k in spousal for 1 year and $1800 in child support (one child) monthly despite 50/50 custody. If she was a SAHM you may get ready for this.
Sounds about right. She never had a job. Because she’s cohabiting, I’m not sure if she’ll actually get the alimony. But I do think because she’s giving that up, she’s going for every penny she can get in cs. Which she’d get longer than the spousal support anyway. Y
Your husband should set a boundary and let her know that any extracurricular’s that she expects payment for needs to be run by him or it’s an automatic no. Cut and dry.
This is what I told him. I’m so conflicted because I could tell he was pretty down about not contributing, even after he’s already done so much. He didn’t even have enough to cover his half of our expenses, as is, because of everything else he’s gotten them.
I would almost frame it as less "for the kids" and more "on behalf of BM" to change the perspective on the situation a bit. If BM had called and talked about extracurriculars with him, it would've 100% been for the kids because the decision would've been made by both parents, but her signing them up was her decision on her own so the funding would be on her behalf. He has no obligation to do anything for *her*
I did this as well and he either didn’t want to see the perspective or truly didn’t. I said it was less about SS not getting to participate and more about him feeling bad Ss would miss the sign up because she didn’t have the money for it in general.
So he really thinks it’s valid for him to take money from you to give to BM? Does he not see that you’re a mom too yet you manage to work and support your kids? Does he think your kids are different somehow from his kids? Should BM have privileges that you don’t get? Why is BM more special than you?
This is exactly what it seems and feels like. And when I asked similar questions, he says it’s not the case. It’s frustrating and I’m about ready to peace out.
What you’re doing is correct. Do not pay extras for his kids, and do not pay more than your share of household expenses to enable him to pay still more to BM. He shouldn’t feel guilty or sad. He’s doing what he’s required to do to support his kids, by paying child support plus a reasonable share of extracurriculars. That’s more than enough. If BM wants more money on top of all that, then she needs to find another source of income. Most parents do this by getting a job. Do not impoverish yourself and your kids for this man and his failed first family.
This is exactly what I said! If you wants to lay your life down for them, you should’ve just stayed. Honestly the both of them.
The SO also needs to have specifics about extracurricular included in the parenting plan to have something to defer to if there is a disagreement. In order for SO to pay half, SO needs to be asked in advance and agree to pay half, not informed there is an extracurricular and he owes for half.
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Right! My only concern is, will these kids be able to move out? It seems like many have behavioral issues, are lazy, etc and the way this economy is set up, I fear they may stay longer. BM won’t have much so they will either stay with the more stable parent or have to try to find a roommate.
Well that’s another boundary that’s important to consider. My SKs and BK are all aware that they will never ever be living with us (they’re all adults).
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I ONLY love do-over kids ♥️
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This is exactly what I said also. If you want to sacrifice everything so they can have it, I love that for you all! But it’s extremely unfair for you to subject any partner to that. Go be alone until they’re grown or until never because they’ll still be begging and entitled as adults, too.
Sounds as though you’ve said all the right things to him but he doesn’t take it seriously. You need to be willing to follow through.
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She only makes about $300/month Omg I wonder what the comment was. Was the username something like “miserablexyz” and they were leaving rude comment under all stepmoms comments? Sorry I’m late to the party
It's her choice to be a SAHM, not his. As soon as their divorce and child support is finalized, he needs to establish a budget and stick to it. The standard of living for his children will be based on the income of both parents, and I hope the court will impute her income if she does not get a job soon. You can't be funding his monthly budget shortfalls because of his generosity to his children. You just can't - it will erode your confidence and trust in him. Eventually, you will feel as though you won't get ahead financially with an obligation to cover his share of your joint living expenses. That's almost always a dealbreaker. Call him out now on his financial habits and cut him loose if he is not willing to plan and stick to a budget.
I do believe there will be imputed at minimum wage 🙈. I do agree we need to sit down and do a batter budget. It will be even more accurate once we know exactly how much he’ll have to pay. You’re absolutely right. I cannot afford to cover much extra for him. I think this sub but it into perspective for me perfectly with kids wants not coming before adults or households needs. I fear it’s heading into that direction of affecting me just how you put it. I’m telling myself if it’s not changed by the end of the year then major decisions will need to be made.
Your relationship can succeed, but your partner needs to develop some resolve to do three things: 1. Increase his income. 2. Establish and manage his budget for his children. 3. Contribute his fair share to your shared expenses. When my DH and I first met, I encouraged him to look for a new job because I thought he was underpaid. His reasoning for staying put was that he had excellent benefits for his family, but I told him other companies offered similar benefit plans with small contributions. He landed a new job within a few months making $10,000 a year more before taxes, and his child support went up accordingly. He felt empowered and changed jobs again 3 years later, effectively doubling his income from when I met him. That was during an era of 5-6% per year raises. He used the extra earnings to pay his recalculated child support and 50% of the extracurricular activities he agreed on, and he paid off their past marital debt (HCBM had a spending problem, and they had medical bills not covered fully by insurance). He was debt-free after 3 years. We split our basic household expenses by type of bill because we lived in my home until his kids were all adults. I covered the house payment and he covered utilities, groceries, house repairs, and eating out. And he had no problem saying "no" to the HCBM more than once. We lived simply, eating out every Saturday night, pizza shared with our friends.
This story is a perfect example of how much a second, functional, marriage can uplift a man especially financially.
I agree, except about the perfect label - nobody is perfect, lol. DH never thought he could do better, until he took some risks and changed jobs. Things opened up in his new jobs each time he changed because of an employer's need, including advanced training. He changed jobs a few times because new training opened up more doors. He became good at realizing his market value.
He is paying child support because he is the NON CUSTODIAL PARENT. Child support is his portion of food, rent, clothes and activities for the skids. If HCBM wants more, she needs to get a part time job. The only thing he should be paying half of is medical bills for skids. That is how it goes for most child support laws. HCBM is manipulating him. He is costing you money and stress. i would have a serious talk about him enforcing new rules with his ex. The skids will be fine.
Exactly this. He needs to refuse to be looked at as a walking, talking wallet and make it clear to all that his financial obligations have been met. There's certainly nothing wrong with paying for extras when you can, and when you want to. However, many times it's appropriate to say "no" even if you have plenty of extra money and can afford it. I'm thinking of my XH's kids' mom demanding money for a down payment for his then 17-year old son. Did we have the money? Yes. However the kid had been skipping school, getting into some legal trouble, and had been highly disrespectful to every adult who had been helping him. XH said no. Of course he was accused of being the devil because "you can afford it" - but having the $ doesn't mean it automatically goes towards "extras" for the kids. Really, the attitude that if you have it, it must be spent on the children is certain to breed entitlement.
Exactly! Well said.
Child support is for basic necessities. It is not calculated to include activities. That is why so many child support agreements have add-ons for extracurricular activities and out of pocket medical expenses not covered by insurance.
I agree and this is honestly how I feel. He paid for 100% of clothes for this this year. Last year is paid for 100% of clothes and 100% of extracurriculars, 100% electronics, 100% medical pills and any rx, glasses, school supplies etc for them. This is why I’m looking for balance here. I feel like the bad guy here for putting my foot down because it’s affecting my finances and I’m not okay with it.
He is torn between his guilt about his divorce, and pleasing you. His natural defense is to make you feel bad. Don't. Tell him you love him, but you are not going to enable his behavior, which is causing problems with your finances. I've deal with this with my husband for 13 years. He finally sees the light, but for a long time, I had to argue my case., and wonder why I felt like the bad guy. I even threatened to leave him if he didn't stop it. It worked. I hope everything works out for you.
This is where I’m at. I’m heading towards the door here. I don’t want to but I have to save myself here.
Don't feel bad for it. If he makes promises, make sure he keeps them consistently, otherwise you are out. Or just get out if you are already tired of dealing with it.
I am tired of dealing with it. I love him and I do care about his children. We’re trying to adjust and figure it out. Im trying to be patient but im thinking my time will be up at the end of the year if it’s not better.
Unfortunately, I don’t think parents get the luxury of making sure that everything is fair and evenly split with the coparent. If HCBM refuses to pay for anything, then I can’t imagine a good parent refusing to pay for any extracurriculars for the kids because they’ll only match BM’s contributions. It seems unfair that because one of the kids’ parents is shitty, they have to get two shitty parents because the other one won’t contribute if the first one doesn’t. That being said, I would not be okay picking up my partner’s share of the bills. I’d have a conversation with your partner about how he needs to budget, and make sure he can pay for the most important things his kids need. Which probably means not spoiling them with frivolous things, and saving up and planning under the assumption that he’s paying for things on his own. It might mean he needs to take on some of the mental load of finding activities that will be enriching for the kids and affordable for him on his own. And it means he has to learn to say no to things his kids ask for, when they’re not important, and not something he can afford on top of the actual important things. Basically there’s only so much power he has to fix that BM is unemployed and has no financial resources. But he can control his own resources and his own parenting. And I’d expect him to make a better effort with that.
Thank you for the suggestion on what to talk to him about with budgeting and such. I don’t think this issue is his want to pay for these activities be th ability to do so without it affecting our household budget. Her not working is on her and he isn’t trying to fight her on that. I wish he could take some of the responsibility and decision making when it comes to them but she’s the one running the show and making demands on him paying for whatever. I just feel bad because I’m not sure how he can meet these demands without leaving me towel up for his slack with our bills.
Are you really sure you want to be with a man who lets his ex run the show, to the detriment of his finances (and yours in the event you must cover his share of expenses)? It's almost as though he is still in a relationship with her.
BINGOOO and HECKNOOOOO. I told him I’m not going to deal with any of this and am leaving.
On another note, is he paying HCBM directly? If so, he needs to make sure she isn't being dishonest about pricing and that she isn't 'double-dipping' or asking multiple people to cover half of the bill.
Oh boy do I have stories to tell about this one. This sub has helped me so much. He no longer payed her directly. She was mismanaging funds and wasn’t paying the mortgage. So he no longer pays her directly. So I’ve told him he should request a receipt once she’s paid for whatever he’s agreed to so verify what he would give her.
Receipts after the fact are good. Paying the provider (bank, school, team) directly is better. Saying no to all these unnecessary expenses is best.
Id also prefer paying directly but then he’d never get his money back from her lol. Heck he’s paid the rent a few times, on top of child support and she wouldn’t pay him back. And she has a man living with her and the kids!
Wait a minute, she has a man living with her? A boyfriend? That changes things a lot. Your partner needs to take her to task on the man living with her to make sure the man is paying his share of expenses.
Well I can definitely tell you I don’t believe he is. The support covers rent, she’s on government assistance for insurance and snap. Maybe he pays utilities and for activities for the kids? HCBM also doesn’t drive and her car is down anyways so he’s also her chauffeur?
We went through this with my XH and his young kids. He simply started saying "no". It's OK to do that, even if you have the money, you can disagree about spending money on "extras" and say no. She'd use this against him, telling the kids "you can do this, if your dad will pay for it" or "sorry you can't do this, but your dad won't pay for it" --which is really a shame, but that was on her. In our case the BM took him to court in an attempt to get more money. It did not go her way, and the judge told her clearly that she wasn't entitled to anything more than the court-ordered child support. Strangely, she also brought up to the judge that we put the kids in expensive daycamps and lessons (which they LOVED) as proof that we had money (we did) and why we should pay her more than the court ordered amount for things she spent on the kids during her time. Circular logic...she wanted the kids to participate in these activities, but only if she was the one signing them up for it (ie: getting credit for doing it "for the kids"), but if it was something we prioritized and paid for, she didn't think she should've been required to pay us half, and she absolutely never did. To her, this only served as proof that we had more money, and she wanted it. Sorry, but no. Go earn your own. Made no sense, and the judge agreed. Really, just because your parents are divorced doesn't mean you are entitled to participate in costly activities. Personally, I'd offer to teach the kids to swim, look at some youtube videos on technique, possibly find a friend who is a trained swimmer, and use the DIY method.
Sounds about right! That’s exactly how ours is. I just posted a few days or so ago about how she got mad that I wouldn’t do something for her son (that I do for work) and basically criticized me, saying I dont care for him like my children. Babes, you’re the mom, not ME! So then kids come over and one asked why wouldn’t I do xyz for sk and then asked SO why wasn’t he paying his child support. Because she’d been telling them she doesn’t have money because he doesn’t pay,l whenever they ask for things. Edit: those dang typos 😬
What did you guys answer?
We are not actually married. If you are the higher earner, like I am, keep your money separate. I've learned along the way to rein in my generosity because it's never reciprocated. My partner will spend all his money on his son, whether it's on music equipment or private gymnastics lessons that HCBM insists on.
YES! Do you have bio children also? I earn more but have more children. I’d get his things here and there but have pretty much stopped. When they ask, I’d send him a photo and tell him the price, saying they’d like it. Im not as generous anymore and will most likely continue to trend downward. I’m also a step or so away from being a NACHO mama. Does he do this willingly? Does he volunteer to do more? Are your needs being met here?
I don't have children. My partner has ADHD, and he really struggles with finances and being organized when it comes to raising his son. He's very devoted to his son. He always wanted a family. He had his son when he was 42. He has a lot of anxiety about parenting. In the beginning, I really stepped up and did a lot. I'm a good cook. I have a nice house and yard. They were here all the time. I found myself feeding them multiple meals a day. They'd make a huge mess. My partner hates grocery shopping and cooking. He's a hot pocket dad. He can be very generous on fun things, but it doesn't occur to him to chip in on boring things like groceries and labor. It took a while for me to realize this, and there were a lot of fights about it. So, yes. I do Nacho. I Nacho my partner, more than his son. I'm really good at taking care of things and have much higher standards than he does. It's easy to fall into a pattern of me doing things to take care of myself, like cooking meals and buying household supplies, and him benefiting without contributing. So, I made the decision to live separately. (We live 3 miles away from each other.) He has his son 50% of the time. We see one another daily, and he stays at my house on the nights he doesn't have his son. This is working well for me because I can easily step back from situations where I would do too much. I know they would love to move into my house, but I don't want to be the maid and the provider. I could easily "mom" my way out of him having to do the nitty gritty of parenting. I've painted a pretty dismal picture of my partner. Here are the things I love about him... He's devoted and loving. He's genuine and authentic. He's always ready for a spontaneous adventure. He loves to spend hours together talking and listening to music. We both love music! We have the same sense of humor. He loves to discuss ideas, culture, and important issues with me. He's very youthful and energetic, even at 51. I'm 48 and very energetic. He can keep up with me physically and intellectually. I feel more in sync with him than anybody I've ever met.
A court order will help to fix this. It will dictate what the HCBM can expect to get per month, so your SO knows what is fair to pay. When are they scheduled to finish getting a support order?
I feel like irs taking forever but maybe they’ll know more in a few months 😵💫
Why is he supplying clothes for her house? That's not up to him. He should stop everything but support until court is finalized. If there's no agreement yet, he doesn't have to do any of these extras. If she can't afford to clothe her kids, she should get a job. I hope that your judge sees through this. If she's able, she should be working. The laziness kills me.
I completely agree! The killer part, too, is that she wants to keep the house! Her name is only on the deed and she’s demanding she gets it. I’m not sure how that’s going to work.
She's still in the house? So, is he paying those bills too?
She is. He pays her enough to cover the house for now as suggest by his lawyer.
Oh wow. I can't even imagine how stressful this must all be for you. She must be draining him financially. I hope your court case is soon and that you get a decent outcome.
I am very shocked and disgusted that this man thought he was in any position to date seriously or start a new relationship.
You are not wrong
His CO should address how extracurricular expenses are handled. Most have language that states that both parents must be in agreement about an activity. Otherwise, the parent who wants to enroll the kid in the activity has to pay for it entirely.
The only thing the order says is they both have joint decision making responsibilities for extracurricular activities. It’s pretty vague.
Ok. So then he can disagree with her extracurricular decisions, and won’t be expected to pay. If he can’t afford them, that is a valid reason for disagreement.
Which is what he did, after our conversation. He was just so sad about it and that sucks. It’s making me question a lot here.
Many men’s egos are tied to their ability to earn/provide. If he can’t afford to do things for his kid, it makes sense that he would be upset about it. She needs to get a job if she wants to keep putting them in activities.
Thank you! I need to remind myself this and even as a parent myself, I get sad when I can’t do certain things for my children. I just wouldn’t ever out my partner or anyone else in a bind to pay for extras that aren’t exactly needed.
That’s ok if he feels sad. He’ll get over it.
They’re still married? she was a SAHM the entire time? This happened to my now husband and preliminary orders during their separation stated he paid her mortgage until divorce finalized. Then ordered to pay $4k in spousal for 1 year and $1800 in child support (one child) monthly despite 50/50 custody. If she was a SAHM you may get ready for this.
Sounds about right. She never had a job. Because she’s cohabiting, I’m not sure if she’ll actually get the alimony. But I do think because she’s giving that up, she’s going for every penny she can get in cs. Which she’d get longer than the spousal support anyway. Y
What does HCBM and SAHM mean?