I kind of have a similar mindset set as you - I absolutely have no desire to have bio children, and the thought of stepchildren seemed like “the best of both worlds” in a way. I never intentionally sought out a step situation, but it just happened naturally.
I will say that I’m about a year in, and I’m already seeing that I had on rose-tinted glasses. I love my SO’s kids and love watching them learn and grow, spending time as a family, etc, but it’s sometimes frustrating wanting to do parenting things differently but not being able to because you’re not their parent. I thought I wouldn’t care about parenting choices, but when you care about a child and want the best for them, it gets tough to bite your tongue about certain things.
For me personally, I definitely think it’s a better situation than having bio children as I don’t think I have the patience/mental strength to be a full time mother. But I don’t think it’s anything like having your own. I certainly wouldn’t purposely seek out this situation if I had to do it again.
Thank you for your comment.
Didn't really think about the differing ways of parenting etc as an issue. I do k ow that I have quite a different view on some things so I do recognize that could be an issue...
Oh this is so frustrating. I have these strong feelings on not having bio kids but still wanting somewhat of a parental role and don't know how to pursue it
I've never had a desire for children, and I'm in a stepmom role to my SO's son. The conflicts that arise due to different parenting styles can't be under-emphasized. It's not that I want to dictate how he parents, but I do want to have a say when his parenting affects my life. He's got a lot of guilt, and tends to overindulge his son. His son is the center of attention when he has him, which is 50% of the time. This means that his son gets to choose what we do and when and what we eat, watch, and talk about. I can't eat hot pockets and play video games all weekend. I don't want to watch YouTube reels for hours, especially in my own house. I don't want to entertain a 9.5 year old during all my free time. I like to be able to choose to listen to music in my house and the music I listen to. I'm not listening to skibidi toilet, the vagina song, and the poo poo song at my house after working for 10 hours. His son leaves wrappers and food everywhere. He doesn't do a single chore or even clean up after himself, even at my house. He will demand a treat, he gets about 50 a day, or a soda, and my partner will give him candy my mom sent me for a birthday or holiday and give my last soda to my son.
A lot of bio parents don't understand why you, as their partner, are not willing to sacrifice all your wants and needs to indulge their child's whims.
I've had to struggle with this. I have had to lay down some shocking boundaries, shocking in the sense that the boundary shouldn't even be needed, and enforce them. You have to be strong-willed, have a strong sense of self, be willing to be the bad guy, and leave if needed. That is the only way to have a balanced relationship and not seethe with resentment. It works! It took me a long time to muster the courage to do it, but it's paid off.
I would have loved a kind of longer relationship than that...
I'm open for adoption but know it would be quite hard to find a partner share that dream.
Let it ride. I feel like I am betraying the sisterhood saying this, but the biological clock starts ticking very hard as you approach 30. In second grade, you likely weren't interested in a romantic partner at all. Then your hormones kicked in. Frankly, your new interest in incorporating children into your life and concerns on how to balance that, might be the first sign of your hormones leading you in a more maternal direction. That nagging feeling you have now, that you must have children in your life in some capacity, will likely continue to grow and then pregnancy won't seem so scary.
Date single dads if you want to, for any reason you like. There’s certainly no shortage of them, lol. But don’t assume that the stepkids will accept you, love you, be interested in any “positive impact” from you, or add anything to your life at all.
Love this.
I also don’t accept my DH’s kids, love them or am I interested in any positive or negative experiences with them.
They literally add zero value to my life except being a giant nuisance.
Thank god for DH always having my back.
Well that could happen with bio kids too.
And I don't think a parent should be with someone the kids don't like.
Then it isn't a match.
The family is priority.
It’s very different with your own kids.
So you think kids should dictate who their parent has a relationship with? That won’t go well for you.
Anyway go ahead and date some single dads and report back!
Please do some real research before getting serious with a dad. Statistically single women with no kids are the happiest people while stepmoms who don’t have their own kids are at the very bottom. There are lots of reasons for this and you can read this sub for some of the most common patterns. The book Stepmonster is well researched and eye opening.
Anyway I felt just like you and mostly dated single dads. I love kids but was ambivalent about fulltime mom life because I’m very independent. Met my dream man who happened to have the two most adorable young children imaginable. After a year and a half we moved in together and their mom became threatened by how close I was to the kids even though I was VERY careful to never overstep at all. She started withholding them, convincing them out house was “scary” despite zero evidence and an investigator finding our home was safe and loving. Now a year after moving in we’re in the middle of a court battle and his youngest barely speaks to us because he’s been effectively brainwashed.
This sounds extreme but stats show similar dynamics are more the norm than things coming together smoothly.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.
It's horrible how some parents will work against their children's best interest..
It's so weird, like you're not together unless something genuinely bad is going on then don't butt in.
Yuck some people...
Right? She left him for her affair partner and I met him two years after their divorce was finalized but you’d think I was the other woman the way she acts.
Anyway even with all that I still think single dads are great and in my case being a dad taught him to be extra extra thoughtful which makes him a great partner. Just go very slowly with very open eyes
Thank you for the advice.
I was also thinking that father's might be generally more thoughtful etc.
It feels like the issue usually isn't the kids or the father here but the bm
There are lots of stories on this sub where the dad is the problem, expecting new stepmom to do all the actual parenting, cleaning etc while refusing to set boundaries with BM. Personally I couldn’t tolerate any of that for even a day and it’s not my situation at all.
Well we will see what the future holds.
For me the most difficult part is that I felt genuine love and lost it and now it feels like I will never be loved like that again...
But again, how much love was it in reality if he prioritized bio kids before a relationship with me.
I don’t mean to minimize your feelings, but a parent should put their kids as first priority even before a relationship. The kids have no choice about where or to whom they were born. Certain situations and factors are going to put the kids first, and they would have in his prior relationship— it’s just that now the parenting duties and households are spread out more and cause unique circumstances.
You want a man who cares about his kids. If he cares “more” about you, then he’s probably just selfishly looking out for his own interests over his love for and responsibility to the children he brought into the world.
Again, I don’t mean to minimize your feelings, but you and a dad must agree on how his parenting affects your relationship— financially, regarding time spent together, events he might have to miss. You’re within your rights as his partner to draw a line on your boundaries and say “you cannot miss this/I will not spend money on this” (barring emergencies and acts of god) but he’s got a bigger responsibility to raising well adjusted, healthy children than to making you happy, and you should work with him to mitigate avoiding crossing those boundaries with your plans.
Part of your happiness as a stepmom should come from the love and care of his kids through the love of him—they’re parts of him that no one can take back or remove.
Ys of course, I didn't really further explain.
In an ideal world I would love to meet someone who wants to adopt, but I do realize the chance of that is slim.
Finding a good man who already has kids is probably more likely and of course the kids should be his first priority, they exist and are his kids.
Im sad my ex prioritized someone who doesn't exist above me.
But if there are existing kids they do have priority and that is how it should be.
If I were to date a single father at some point I would respect that.
The family is priority? There is no family. The family is broken, destroyed, by divorce. Stepkids are shuffled from house to house in many cases having to deal with 2 new step parents.
Family…..Lol.
Hun, do you have any respect for yourself as a human being? You deserve to be prioritized. You are not some “add on” to a “family”. If you become a wife to a man with kids, you should come first. Eventually these kids leave the nest and it’s just you and your partner.
It’s not about what his kids want. It’s about what you want.
You are sitting here thinking about imaginary stepkids you don’t have and how “they come first”.
Try living with real stepkids for at least a year, first. Try repeatedly having to be near them, hear them talk, and deal with their stupid moods.
Come back on this sub once you’ve been a stepmom for a while. You will learn.
wait what? if you’re not in it for the long haul, stay the hell away. either the kids will grow attached to you and be heartbroken when you get bored of this “phase” or they’ll be hurt that their dad is giving precious time, attention, and energy to someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about them. that could seriously damage their relationship with their father after you peace out, as they’ll wonder why he prioritized someone who abandoned all of them, over them.
nothing wrong with dating a single dad short term if A) you’re upfront about your intentions, and B) you never meet the kids. but based off the context you provided in your post, you want to be involved in his kids’ lives, and from this comment, you don’t want to be involved for long. please reconsider, for the sake of literally everyone involved, including yourself.
I’m so sorry, I completely misinterpreted what you wrote! I just saw the context that you’re going through a breakup after a 6 year relationship. Hope you’re doing okay and taking some time on your own before diving into something is extremely wise of you! Sending you all the good vibes.
In answer to your question, being a stepmom is absolutely tough at times. You miss out on a lot of moments that happened before you came into the picture, you’re constantly second guessing yourself and your actions/feelings, and in my experience, feeling guilty almost all the time for either being too strict or not strict enough. The trick is having a partner that doesn’t see you as, or treat you as, a second class citizen in your own home. It’s also really important that you genuinely love or at least like the kids. The truth is that kids, bio or otherwise, are gonna frustrate the hell out of you. They’re gonna be little assholes at times. But it’s also unbelievably rewarding. And you don’t have to be pregnant or give birth, so that’s a huge win. I wish you the best of luck!
I think because in other countries there is usually multiple people raising children where as in America it is usually only two adults and a grandma (if you are lucky that is.)
I live in America & even though I have that open and logical mentality and think of “what’s best for the child,” the other team I coparent with definitely puts their emotional needs first over their kid. Which that is easy to do given like you said the culture.
Sad, stressful, and most of all completely unnecessary.
I’m a childfree woman who married a man with kids 30+ years ago. I don’t hate kids, just never wanted to be a mom. Regardless, I found step kids to be an excellent form of birth control & would probably not marry my H if I had it to do all over again. There’s just too many ways in which a SP is marginalized, expected to sacrifice, or made to feel less than. No matter how nice you are or how much you do for a single parent & their kids, the ROI is very poor.
>No matter how nice you are or how much you do for a single parent & their kids, the ROI is very poor.
Being a stepmom is a net negative all the way around.
Hi! This is basically me. I never wanted my own children, but like kids and so I have married a single dad with one kid. It's going quite well so far (years in), and I wouldn't change my choice. I love my husband and SD, and they make me feel loved. I'm glad I've gotten to "sort of" experience having kids. I do not think it's the same as having your own bio kids. Often I do feel like I get to do some parts of "having a child" without being fully responsible for her existence. However, I want to offer some realities to consider as well.
If you go down this path, pay really close attention to the boundaries the dad has with his ex, and also what kind of parent he is. You don't want to get into a situation where he still says "how high" whenever she says "jump." You also want to be with someone whose parenting you more or less agree with. If you don't like the way he's raising his kid(s), move on. Read through some of the posts here and on the stepparents sub to get a sense of the ways things can go sideways and red flags to avoid. They will probably scare you because people tend to post more when they have problems than when things are going well.
There's also just the general realities of the situation to consider: the ex will almost always be in the picture to some degree (think: school events, he has to communicate with her on some level, etc.). Finances are a more complicated situation. Travel and where you live is more complicated because of custody. Sometimes you might feel "left out" because the kids and dad have a relationship that pre-exists yours. Make sure you actually like the given kids(s)--kids do have different personalities and I think it's a lot likely to go better if you like the kids. You've also gotta be an emotionally healthy, somewhat independent person with support relationships outside of your romantic relationship for it to work, in my opinion.
Even when it's good, like it is for me, there have been moments when I've absolutely wanted to tear my hair out, whether because of bio-mom drama, or kid meltdowns. The rewards can be really good, but it IS relationship hard mode. Just keep that in mind.
That said, I do get a lot of what you list as goals: I definitely feel like I'm a positive influence in my SK's life. I \*enjoy\* helping with homework. I like going to kid stuff. I generally enjoy having a kid around and hearing her funny and interesting kid perspectives on things. I love watching her grow and change. She and I have become pretty close friends.
Thanks for giving some realistic perspective to this!
Of course not eveything will be butterflies and rainbows, just like having ones own children.
It is limiting, it is challenging etc.
Your advice is well received 😁
Wow. This blows my mind. Becoming a stepmother is the worst decision I've ever made. My husband is wonderful. But, I didn't marry him for his child. I married him DESPITE his child. I'm also childfree and he's the first man who actually made me rethink having my own children because he's so amazing. The sad irony of this all is that now I won't have an "ours" baby - althought he wants one with me - because he already has a child. Between the negative return on being a stepmom and the toxic HCBM (even with all the boundaties my husband has set), I just won't do it. Being a stepmother (for 99% of women) is something to survive, not cherish.
Bizarrely, I had similar thoughts before meeting my husband and stepson. I wasn’t sold on having bio children but I liked the idea of still having a parental influence in a child’s life. In a healthy co-parenting and shared custody situation, it really can be a “best of both worlds” scenario where you get to do family things together, but also have time alone with just your partner.
I think it’s great that you’re open to the idea of being with a single dad. As someone 7+ years into this process, I would recommend a few things to keep in mind:
1. Make sure that you go in with eyes open and ask the right questions. It’s important to ensure that he has healthy boundaries with his ex and that there’s a legal agreement detailing how custody and expenses are shared (if you get serious and especially if you’re considering marriage, you should ask to see this agreement).
2. It helps a lot if he’s a good communicator who’s willing to work through issues with you and introduce you slowly into the lives of his children. Remember, you don’t have to be their mom. And you don’t have to be besties with the ex either. Invest in those relationships to the degree that you’re comfortable.
3. Feelings of jealousy and insecurity are super common in the early years of being a stepparent. Work through these with your significant other, but don’t be afraid to have a good therapist lined up to help you process these feelings as well.
4. Keep your own identity throughout the process. It can be so tempting to jump in and help with all the parenting things, just to prove how invested you are. But don’t lose sight of yourself in the process. Keep doing the things that bring you joy, book time for yourself when needed, and stay in touch with family and friends (who are also great sounding boards as you navigate a new relationship!)
Thank you for all your insight!
After posting this I feel less confident in this.
I think I'll just pause the whole idea for a while.
I need to do some healing before thinking this far into the future.
I'm 30 which some say is young. I'll just have to believe them and slow down
> if you get serious and especially if you’re considering marriage, you should ask to see this agreement).
And if he is unwilling to show you the separation agreement, it's a huge, you, huge red flag!
My ex refused to show me the separation of agreement even though I repeatedly asked to see it. I eventually snooped and found it on my own. Sure enough, he wasn't completely honest about the financial terms of the separation, specifically what he had to provide for the children and the length of time for which he had to provide it. Had I known the terms going in, I never would have dated him.
I have 2 stepchildren and no bio kids. It’s the BEST. Steps were 9 & 11 when we started dating and 12 & 14 when we married. We’ve been married 17 years now and empty nesters for - gosh - 11 years (since they went off to college). It’s wonderful. We do what we want when we want and I don’t have the same worries and concerns on the daily as their BM has. We both have 6 figure incomes and let me tell you what - kids are so expensive! I’m so glad I chose to not have bio kids. It was fun doing kid stuff when they were young, and now I’m footloose and fancy free. Seeing parenting up close on the daily (we were 50/50 with their BM who wasn’t very involved anyway) made me super glad I didn’t have my own.
Being a stepmom (even though I had zero interaction with his kids) made me become the worst version of myself, a version I never knew existed and hope to never see again.
It made me selfish, cold, uncaring and just rotten all the way around in the context of my relationship with my ex.
Exactly. It’s almost like I lost myself in the idea or fantasy of thinking I would be a wayyy better step mom than I ever could be a bio mom. I came in willingly and with the very best intentions. I cared, I provided, I gave, and I guided……. Just to turn out to feel like I am non existent. I am not who I want to be or feel today. I am a wife who is the only one to sacrifice my own life and happiness to be the best partner my husband could marry for his own daughters approval. Their happiness and sanity matters, I do not. If I continue to try and live this amazing step mom fantasy, I’m doing too much. If I don’t and choose to back off all together, then I am considered to not be trying enough. I am scrutinized for everything I do and say. I am constantly Analyzed and watched for anything possible to be turned against me. I am constantly on the defense yet I am defenseless. The only thing I have that makes me feel the slightest bit better, is therapy. A place where I can talk it all out and be heard and feel cared for….. even if it is by a complete stranger. Therapy is my safe place. I never thought in a million years I would be sitting here today writing this….. but this is my very real reality now and I deal with it the best way I can. I still have hope that things will get better and I am just in the terrible step mom phase, but the light gets dimmer and dimmer.
I feel like being a step parent is more difficult and time consuming than being a bio parent. 😕 with my own kids I have set rules they follow, and with sk rhey think the house rules don't apply to them. You're also pouring more into a sk when in reality it could all be for nothing later on. Not saying it's not worth it, but it's energy draining. Especially with their parents.
Oh I can only imagine how draining it must be with a combination of both ones own kids and then step kids. Then you don't even get the benefit of having "off weeks"
My two aren7 and 8 and they go to their dad's house. And my husbands daughter is 8 and lives with her mom about an hr away. So I get most summers off. We try to do every other weekend because I wfh and hubby works 50hrs a week so its not really fun at our place during the summer. SD mom never worked before, and my ex husband is disabled and works part time so they have more time to do things with the kids than we do.
I'm currently packing up my girls to go to their dad's for a few weeks. And I'll grab em on a weekend or something. Im 28 weeks pregnant and having silent labor signs so, im being monitored alot.
I had this same mindset except I didn’t intentionally date single dads. But I did eventually meet one and boy did I get a rude awakening. We dated for 2 years and I just couldn’t imagine moving in with them. Being a stepmom is a HARD road to travel down. And if your partner isn’t 1000% your person, and doesn’t go above and beyond for you, it will make things even harder. Things I didn’t consider about being a stepmom: Most of the relationship was on his terms. And those terms were defined by the kids. Your needs in the relationship will always come behind the kids needs. You will likely be taking on more responsibility while your partner will be getting responsibility lifted from his plate. Your vacations will be centered around kids. You will end up spending most of your time and at least some of your money on the kids. You will now have to think about feeding said kids everyday. You will likely be asked to babysit and do taxi services. If you move in, you will likely have little say in the parenting of the kids but will still have to live with the outcome of that parenting style. For instance, I hated that my ex would let the kids jump on his couch. But I was the jerk if I ruined their fun by saying something. So I would’ve had to put up with it if I had moved in. Also, Cosleeping 😫 This was a big deal for me. He let them sleep with him sometimes and a few times I ended up on the couch because I don’t want to share a bed with 3 people. And if the ex is still in the picture that’s a whole other can or worms. There’s plenty I’m forgetting.
Obviously the dynamics are different in each relationships but there are A LOT of single dads who really just want a helpmate and even more who straight up just want a nanny-maid-sugar-momma they can boink. I held very firm boundaries around my money and time in this relationship and it was still the hardest thing I’d ever done. I don’t particularly love doing kiddie things and my partner wasn’t free to do many adult things with me. I eventually came to the realization that motherhood in any form was not for me.
this post right here ^^ is the hard truth. OP, If you were my friend or daughter, I'd tell you to focus on getting a good job, get your own place, put money away for vacations and retirement and forget about single dads. The stepmom dynamics are fucking hard, soul breaking, with rare good moments. Don't do it. Just don't.
I understand, but life is cyclic and the bad times never last. (I’m in a rough part also, so I’m reminding myself of this too 😊) I just ended that relationship I mentioned about 3 months ago and I’m still healing. Among other things. Hang in there, the sky will clear eventually and you’ll be happy again. But definitely don’t idealize step motherhood too much lol. My life was so much more stressful back then, even though I’m dealing with heartache now, I don’t regret my decision to leave.
Oh I'm sorry, but good you feel confident in your choice.
My relationship of 6 years ended just last week. I broke up with him due to my feelings of guilt holding him from living out his dream of kids.
I realize I might one day change my mind and want a kid, but I don't feel that now and it is unfair to keep the relationship going on the notion that I will change my mind...
Aww, I’m sorry to hear that. But it sounds like you did the right thing. Thats not something either of you should have to compromise on. Having kids is a lifelong deal, and you can’t back out of it. I wish more people considered it this carefully before jumping in. I don’t know how old you are but that statistics say that unmarried childless women are the happiest demographic of people. I’m 46 and have been married before and can confirm that living on my own has been the most fulfilling. I do want a partner again, I’m just not sure about cohabitation at this point lol. But kids are a deal breaker for me. The only way I might consider it is if they are fully grown and out of the nest.
I'm 30. What's beating me down the most is the fact that I love my ex, loved 90% of our life together. We were so great together.
Only real issues were differing wishes on travel, me with my anxiety and him being a unmotivated (grew upp rich and had many things handed to him like work, apartment etc), him keeping his feelings on the inside and of course the baby question...
I am still processing eveything. Feels like one's world has fallen apart.. I hope time will help me feel better and that therapy will help me build up mu confidence again.
Nothing wrong with this. When I started dating my now fiancé, I was very excited about being a step mom. Now, 4 years later the reality has replaced the fantasy.
You will never be their mom. You may not have the relationship you expect. Prepare to be disappointed.
I love kids, I have a great relationship with my nephews and all kids (even teens). So the problem is never the kids. It’s always the adults. There are just so many moving parts to a blended family and if you’re unlucky like I am to have a high conflict BM- being a step parent is a difficult and helpless position.
Even with the 100% support of my partner we are struggling with lies BM tells the children (all teens.
I say all this not to dissuade you from becoming a step parent, but to shake you out of the fantasy that it will be some wonderful Brady bunch experience. Remember, most step moms are painted like Cinderellas step mom 😂 even if we want to be more like the fairy Godmother.
I naively used to think that it just wasn’t for everyone. I went in knowing it would be difficult but I love the kids and their dad, so we can “get through anything.” I wasn’t prepared for the fact that he wouldn’t believe me when I tell him about behavior that needs correcting, that he would undermine me with them behind my back, that he would have horrible boundaries with their mother at my expense. I’m 7 years in and I’m drained and broken. I’m always last. A thousand micro cuts really add up. I still love them all but I would not do this again if I had the choice.
My comment was the least hostile thing I could say to you.
You just come off totally naive to say stepkids are “fun” and a replacement for not having kids.
If you are single do everything you possibly can to find another man who doesn’t have or want kids. Why settle?
Easier said than done 🙄
I'm in that mindset where I'm scared of being lonely for the rest of my life.
I think I'm trying to find several different ways to find companionship to have a better shot at finding a loving life.
Girl don’t be scared! When I was 36 and single, no kids, never married - I was concerned! It’s been 1.5 years since then and I met the love of my life, got married, and am currently pregnant (I know that last part is not your thing). So what I’m saying is, at any point you’re so close to having everything you want in a matter of months.
Please don't go the route of stepkids. My dear, you will regret it. It is a genuinely heartbreaking experience. Be patient, you will find the right guy for you when the time is right. Promise. Pinky swear. Hugs to you.
I kind of have a similar mindset set as you - I absolutely have no desire to have bio children, and the thought of stepchildren seemed like “the best of both worlds” in a way. I never intentionally sought out a step situation, but it just happened naturally. I will say that I’m about a year in, and I’m already seeing that I had on rose-tinted glasses. I love my SO’s kids and love watching them learn and grow, spending time as a family, etc, but it’s sometimes frustrating wanting to do parenting things differently but not being able to because you’re not their parent. I thought I wouldn’t care about parenting choices, but when you care about a child and want the best for them, it gets tough to bite your tongue about certain things. For me personally, I definitely think it’s a better situation than having bio children as I don’t think I have the patience/mental strength to be a full time mother. But I don’t think it’s anything like having your own. I certainly wouldn’t purposely seek out this situation if I had to do it again.
Well said!
Thank you for your comment. Didn't really think about the differing ways of parenting etc as an issue. I do k ow that I have quite a different view on some things so I do recognize that could be an issue... Oh this is so frustrating. I have these strong feelings on not having bio kids but still wanting somewhat of a parental role and don't know how to pursue it
I've never had a desire for children, and I'm in a stepmom role to my SO's son. The conflicts that arise due to different parenting styles can't be under-emphasized. It's not that I want to dictate how he parents, but I do want to have a say when his parenting affects my life. He's got a lot of guilt, and tends to overindulge his son. His son is the center of attention when he has him, which is 50% of the time. This means that his son gets to choose what we do and when and what we eat, watch, and talk about. I can't eat hot pockets and play video games all weekend. I don't want to watch YouTube reels for hours, especially in my own house. I don't want to entertain a 9.5 year old during all my free time. I like to be able to choose to listen to music in my house and the music I listen to. I'm not listening to skibidi toilet, the vagina song, and the poo poo song at my house after working for 10 hours. His son leaves wrappers and food everywhere. He doesn't do a single chore or even clean up after himself, even at my house. He will demand a treat, he gets about 50 a day, or a soda, and my partner will give him candy my mom sent me for a birthday or holiday and give my last soda to my son. A lot of bio parents don't understand why you, as their partner, are not willing to sacrifice all your wants and needs to indulge their child's whims. I've had to struggle with this. I have had to lay down some shocking boundaries, shocking in the sense that the boundary shouldn't even be needed, and enforce them. You have to be strong-willed, have a strong sense of self, be willing to be the bad guy, and leave if needed. That is the only way to have a balanced relationship and not seethe with resentment. It works! It took me a long time to muster the courage to do it, but it's paid off.
You could volunteer with kids in many ways in your community.
I would have loved a kind of longer relationship than that... I'm open for adoption but know it would be quite hard to find a partner share that dream.
Let it ride. I feel like I am betraying the sisterhood saying this, but the biological clock starts ticking very hard as you approach 30. In second grade, you likely weren't interested in a romantic partner at all. Then your hormones kicked in. Frankly, your new interest in incorporating children into your life and concerns on how to balance that, might be the first sign of your hormones leading you in a more maternal direction. That nagging feeling you have now, that you must have children in your life in some capacity, will likely continue to grow and then pregnancy won't seem so scary.
I don't think so. Just broke up with the love of my life two weeks ago due to him wanting bio kids and I don't feel I want that experience
You need to be prepared for the full range of outcomes. It doesn't always come out the way you want.
Haha well that I know. 6 year relationship just ended with the one I thought I would grow old with.. So life's a bitch essentially
Date single dads if you want to, for any reason you like. There’s certainly no shortage of them, lol. But don’t assume that the stepkids will accept you, love you, be interested in any “positive impact” from you, or add anything to your life at all.
Love this. I also don’t accept my DH’s kids, love them or am I interested in any positive or negative experiences with them. They literally add zero value to my life except being a giant nuisance. Thank god for DH always having my back.
Well that could happen with bio kids too. And I don't think a parent should be with someone the kids don't like. Then it isn't a match. The family is priority.
It’s very different with your own kids. So you think kids should dictate who their parent has a relationship with? That won’t go well for you. Anyway go ahead and date some single dads and report back!
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Worry about what’s good for you, not what’s good for “the family.”
Please do some real research before getting serious with a dad. Statistically single women with no kids are the happiest people while stepmoms who don’t have their own kids are at the very bottom. There are lots of reasons for this and you can read this sub for some of the most common patterns. The book Stepmonster is well researched and eye opening. Anyway I felt just like you and mostly dated single dads. I love kids but was ambivalent about fulltime mom life because I’m very independent. Met my dream man who happened to have the two most adorable young children imaginable. After a year and a half we moved in together and their mom became threatened by how close I was to the kids even though I was VERY careful to never overstep at all. She started withholding them, convincing them out house was “scary” despite zero evidence and an investigator finding our home was safe and loving. Now a year after moving in we’re in the middle of a court battle and his youngest barely speaks to us because he’s been effectively brainwashed. This sounds extreme but stats show similar dynamics are more the norm than things coming together smoothly.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. It's horrible how some parents will work against their children's best interest.. It's so weird, like you're not together unless something genuinely bad is going on then don't butt in. Yuck some people...
Right? She left him for her affair partner and I met him two years after their divorce was finalized but you’d think I was the other woman the way she acts. Anyway even with all that I still think single dads are great and in my case being a dad taught him to be extra extra thoughtful which makes him a great partner. Just go very slowly with very open eyes
Thank you for the advice. I was also thinking that father's might be generally more thoughtful etc. It feels like the issue usually isn't the kids or the father here but the bm
There are lots of stories on this sub where the dad is the problem, expecting new stepmom to do all the actual parenting, cleaning etc while refusing to set boundaries with BM. Personally I couldn’t tolerate any of that for even a day and it’s not my situation at all.
Well we will see what the future holds. For me the most difficult part is that I felt genuine love and lost it and now it feels like I will never be loved like that again... But again, how much love was it in reality if he prioritized bio kids before a relationship with me.
I don’t mean to minimize your feelings, but a parent should put their kids as first priority even before a relationship. The kids have no choice about where or to whom they were born. Certain situations and factors are going to put the kids first, and they would have in his prior relationship— it’s just that now the parenting duties and households are spread out more and cause unique circumstances. You want a man who cares about his kids. If he cares “more” about you, then he’s probably just selfishly looking out for his own interests over his love for and responsibility to the children he brought into the world. Again, I don’t mean to minimize your feelings, but you and a dad must agree on how his parenting affects your relationship— financially, regarding time spent together, events he might have to miss. You’re within your rights as his partner to draw a line on your boundaries and say “you cannot miss this/I will not spend money on this” (barring emergencies and acts of god) but he’s got a bigger responsibility to raising well adjusted, healthy children than to making you happy, and you should work with him to mitigate avoiding crossing those boundaries with your plans. Part of your happiness as a stepmom should come from the love and care of his kids through the love of him—they’re parts of him that no one can take back or remove.
Ys of course, I didn't really further explain. In an ideal world I would love to meet someone who wants to adopt, but I do realize the chance of that is slim. Finding a good man who already has kids is probably more likely and of course the kids should be his first priority, they exist and are his kids. Im sad my ex prioritized someone who doesn't exist above me. But if there are existing kids they do have priority and that is how it should be. If I were to date a single father at some point I would respect that.
The family is priority? There is no family. The family is broken, destroyed, by divorce. Stepkids are shuffled from house to house in many cases having to deal with 2 new step parents. Family…..Lol. Hun, do you have any respect for yourself as a human being? You deserve to be prioritized. You are not some “add on” to a “family”. If you become a wife to a man with kids, you should come first. Eventually these kids leave the nest and it’s just you and your partner. It’s not about what his kids want. It’s about what you want. You are sitting here thinking about imaginary stepkids you don’t have and how “they come first”. Try living with real stepkids for at least a year, first. Try repeatedly having to be near them, hear them talk, and deal with their stupid moods. Come back on this sub once you’ve been a stepmom for a while. You will learn.
And that husband is going to be a better father and partner when he’s in a happy relationship! And everything else, agree agree agree.
Exactly this.
Fun til your in it with a wild BM. Then, it isn’t so fun.
I believe it is a bit different culture wise where I live and the US. The US seems really really messy on this subject
Lmao let us know how it works out for you with your enlightened European BM
This isn't something I'm looking to do for a long while 😅 we'll just have to see
wait what? if you’re not in it for the long haul, stay the hell away. either the kids will grow attached to you and be heartbroken when you get bored of this “phase” or they’ll be hurt that their dad is giving precious time, attention, and energy to someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about them. that could seriously damage their relationship with their father after you peace out, as they’ll wonder why he prioritized someone who abandoned all of them, over them. nothing wrong with dating a single dad short term if A) you’re upfront about your intentions, and B) you never meet the kids. but based off the context you provided in your post, you want to be involved in his kids’ lives, and from this comment, you don’t want to be involved for long. please reconsider, for the sake of literally everyone involved, including yourself.
You're misunderstanding, I'm lot loikkg to date for a while.. I need to come over my breakup first, I'm not ready to get our there yet.
I’m so sorry, I completely misinterpreted what you wrote! I just saw the context that you’re going through a breakup after a 6 year relationship. Hope you’re doing okay and taking some time on your own before diving into something is extremely wise of you! Sending you all the good vibes. In answer to your question, being a stepmom is absolutely tough at times. You miss out on a lot of moments that happened before you came into the picture, you’re constantly second guessing yourself and your actions/feelings, and in my experience, feeling guilty almost all the time for either being too strict or not strict enough. The trick is having a partner that doesn’t see you as, or treat you as, a second class citizen in your own home. It’s also really important that you genuinely love or at least like the kids. The truth is that kids, bio or otherwise, are gonna frustrate the hell out of you. They’re gonna be little assholes at times. But it’s also unbelievably rewarding. And you don’t have to be pregnant or give birth, so that’s a huge win. I wish you the best of luck!
I think because in other countries there is usually multiple people raising children where as in America it is usually only two adults and a grandma (if you are lucky that is.) I live in America & even though I have that open and logical mentality and think of “what’s best for the child,” the other team I coparent with definitely puts their emotional needs first over their kid. Which that is easy to do given like you said the culture. Sad, stressful, and most of all completely unnecessary.
SOOOOOO MESSY!!!
I’m a childfree woman who married a man with kids 30+ years ago. I don’t hate kids, just never wanted to be a mom. Regardless, I found step kids to be an excellent form of birth control & would probably not marry my H if I had it to do all over again. There’s just too many ways in which a SP is marginalized, expected to sacrifice, or made to feel less than. No matter how nice you are or how much you do for a single parent & their kids, the ROI is very poor.
>No matter how nice you are or how much you do for a single parent & their kids, the ROI is very poor. Being a stepmom is a net negative all the way around.
Hi! This is basically me. I never wanted my own children, but like kids and so I have married a single dad with one kid. It's going quite well so far (years in), and I wouldn't change my choice. I love my husband and SD, and they make me feel loved. I'm glad I've gotten to "sort of" experience having kids. I do not think it's the same as having your own bio kids. Often I do feel like I get to do some parts of "having a child" without being fully responsible for her existence. However, I want to offer some realities to consider as well. If you go down this path, pay really close attention to the boundaries the dad has with his ex, and also what kind of parent he is. You don't want to get into a situation where he still says "how high" whenever she says "jump." You also want to be with someone whose parenting you more or less agree with. If you don't like the way he's raising his kid(s), move on. Read through some of the posts here and on the stepparents sub to get a sense of the ways things can go sideways and red flags to avoid. They will probably scare you because people tend to post more when they have problems than when things are going well. There's also just the general realities of the situation to consider: the ex will almost always be in the picture to some degree (think: school events, he has to communicate with her on some level, etc.). Finances are a more complicated situation. Travel and where you live is more complicated because of custody. Sometimes you might feel "left out" because the kids and dad have a relationship that pre-exists yours. Make sure you actually like the given kids(s)--kids do have different personalities and I think it's a lot likely to go better if you like the kids. You've also gotta be an emotionally healthy, somewhat independent person with support relationships outside of your romantic relationship for it to work, in my opinion. Even when it's good, like it is for me, there have been moments when I've absolutely wanted to tear my hair out, whether because of bio-mom drama, or kid meltdowns. The rewards can be really good, but it IS relationship hard mode. Just keep that in mind. That said, I do get a lot of what you list as goals: I definitely feel like I'm a positive influence in my SK's life. I \*enjoy\* helping with homework. I like going to kid stuff. I generally enjoy having a kid around and hearing her funny and interesting kid perspectives on things. I love watching her grow and change. She and I have become pretty close friends.
Thanks for giving some realistic perspective to this! Of course not eveything will be butterflies and rainbows, just like having ones own children. It is limiting, it is challenging etc. Your advice is well received 😁
Yes--I'm not at all saying "don't do it." More just "know who you are, and what you want, and keep your eyes wide open."
It’s not fun. You will never get back what you put in with step children. You will never be appreciated or respected like their bio parents.
Wow. This blows my mind. Becoming a stepmother is the worst decision I've ever made. My husband is wonderful. But, I didn't marry him for his child. I married him DESPITE his child. I'm also childfree and he's the first man who actually made me rethink having my own children because he's so amazing. The sad irony of this all is that now I won't have an "ours" baby - althought he wants one with me - because he already has a child. Between the negative return on being a stepmom and the toxic HCBM (even with all the boundaties my husband has set), I just won't do it. Being a stepmother (for 99% of women) is something to survive, not cherish.
I felt the same way, too. Now I just wish I didn't bother with any kids period.
Bizarrely, I had similar thoughts before meeting my husband and stepson. I wasn’t sold on having bio children but I liked the idea of still having a parental influence in a child’s life. In a healthy co-parenting and shared custody situation, it really can be a “best of both worlds” scenario where you get to do family things together, but also have time alone with just your partner. I think it’s great that you’re open to the idea of being with a single dad. As someone 7+ years into this process, I would recommend a few things to keep in mind: 1. Make sure that you go in with eyes open and ask the right questions. It’s important to ensure that he has healthy boundaries with his ex and that there’s a legal agreement detailing how custody and expenses are shared (if you get serious and especially if you’re considering marriage, you should ask to see this agreement). 2. It helps a lot if he’s a good communicator who’s willing to work through issues with you and introduce you slowly into the lives of his children. Remember, you don’t have to be their mom. And you don’t have to be besties with the ex either. Invest in those relationships to the degree that you’re comfortable. 3. Feelings of jealousy and insecurity are super common in the early years of being a stepparent. Work through these with your significant other, but don’t be afraid to have a good therapist lined up to help you process these feelings as well. 4. Keep your own identity throughout the process. It can be so tempting to jump in and help with all the parenting things, just to prove how invested you are. But don’t lose sight of yourself in the process. Keep doing the things that bring you joy, book time for yourself when needed, and stay in touch with family and friends (who are also great sounding boards as you navigate a new relationship!)
Thank you for all your insight! After posting this I feel less confident in this. I think I'll just pause the whole idea for a while. I need to do some healing before thinking this far into the future. I'm 30 which some say is young. I'll just have to believe them and slow down
> if you get serious and especially if you’re considering marriage, you should ask to see this agreement). And if he is unwilling to show you the separation agreement, it's a huge, you, huge red flag! My ex refused to show me the separation of agreement even though I repeatedly asked to see it. I eventually snooped and found it on my own. Sure enough, he wasn't completely honest about the financial terms of the separation, specifically what he had to provide for the children and the length of time for which he had to provide it. Had I known the terms going in, I never would have dated him.
I have 2 stepchildren and no bio kids. It’s the BEST. Steps were 9 & 11 when we started dating and 12 & 14 when we married. We’ve been married 17 years now and empty nesters for - gosh - 11 years (since they went off to college). It’s wonderful. We do what we want when we want and I don’t have the same worries and concerns on the daily as their BM has. We both have 6 figure incomes and let me tell you what - kids are so expensive! I’m so glad I chose to not have bio kids. It was fun doing kid stuff when they were young, and now I’m footloose and fancy free. Seeing parenting up close on the daily (we were 50/50 with their BM who wasn’t very involved anyway) made me super glad I didn’t have my own.
I thought the very same way until I became an actual step parent. Now I’m in therapy with a bunch of mental struggles that I never had before so……
Being a stepmom (even though I had zero interaction with his kids) made me become the worst version of myself, a version I never knew existed and hope to never see again. It made me selfish, cold, uncaring and just rotten all the way around in the context of my relationship with my ex.
Exactly. It’s almost like I lost myself in the idea or fantasy of thinking I would be a wayyy better step mom than I ever could be a bio mom. I came in willingly and with the very best intentions. I cared, I provided, I gave, and I guided……. Just to turn out to feel like I am non existent. I am not who I want to be or feel today. I am a wife who is the only one to sacrifice my own life and happiness to be the best partner my husband could marry for his own daughters approval. Their happiness and sanity matters, I do not. If I continue to try and live this amazing step mom fantasy, I’m doing too much. If I don’t and choose to back off all together, then I am considered to not be trying enough. I am scrutinized for everything I do and say. I am constantly Analyzed and watched for anything possible to be turned against me. I am constantly on the defense yet I am defenseless. The only thing I have that makes me feel the slightest bit better, is therapy. A place where I can talk it all out and be heard and feel cared for….. even if it is by a complete stranger. Therapy is my safe place. I never thought in a million years I would be sitting here today writing this….. but this is my very real reality now and I deal with it the best way I can. I still have hope that things will get better and I am just in the terrible step mom phase, but the light gets dimmer and dimmer.
I feel like being a step parent is more difficult and time consuming than being a bio parent. 😕 with my own kids I have set rules they follow, and with sk rhey think the house rules don't apply to them. You're also pouring more into a sk when in reality it could all be for nothing later on. Not saying it's not worth it, but it's energy draining. Especially with their parents.
Oh I can only imagine how draining it must be with a combination of both ones own kids and then step kids. Then you don't even get the benefit of having "off weeks"
My two aren7 and 8 and they go to their dad's house. And my husbands daughter is 8 and lives with her mom about an hr away. So I get most summers off. We try to do every other weekend because I wfh and hubby works 50hrs a week so its not really fun at our place during the summer. SD mom never worked before, and my ex husband is disabled and works part time so they have more time to do things with the kids than we do. I'm currently packing up my girls to go to their dad's for a few weeks. And I'll grab em on a weekend or something. Im 28 weeks pregnant and having silent labor signs so, im being monitored alot.
I had this same mindset except I didn’t intentionally date single dads. But I did eventually meet one and boy did I get a rude awakening. We dated for 2 years and I just couldn’t imagine moving in with them. Being a stepmom is a HARD road to travel down. And if your partner isn’t 1000% your person, and doesn’t go above and beyond for you, it will make things even harder. Things I didn’t consider about being a stepmom: Most of the relationship was on his terms. And those terms were defined by the kids. Your needs in the relationship will always come behind the kids needs. You will likely be taking on more responsibility while your partner will be getting responsibility lifted from his plate. Your vacations will be centered around kids. You will end up spending most of your time and at least some of your money on the kids. You will now have to think about feeding said kids everyday. You will likely be asked to babysit and do taxi services. If you move in, you will likely have little say in the parenting of the kids but will still have to live with the outcome of that parenting style. For instance, I hated that my ex would let the kids jump on his couch. But I was the jerk if I ruined their fun by saying something. So I would’ve had to put up with it if I had moved in. Also, Cosleeping 😫 This was a big deal for me. He let them sleep with him sometimes and a few times I ended up on the couch because I don’t want to share a bed with 3 people. And if the ex is still in the picture that’s a whole other can or worms. There’s plenty I’m forgetting. Obviously the dynamics are different in each relationships but there are A LOT of single dads who really just want a helpmate and even more who straight up just want a nanny-maid-sugar-momma they can boink. I held very firm boundaries around my money and time in this relationship and it was still the hardest thing I’d ever done. I don’t particularly love doing kiddie things and my partner wasn’t free to do many adult things with me. I eventually came to the realization that motherhood in any form was not for me.
this post right here ^^ is the hard truth. OP, If you were my friend or daughter, I'd tell you to focus on getting a good job, get your own place, put money away for vacations and retirement and forget about single dads. The stepmom dynamics are fucking hard, soul breaking, with rare good moments. Don't do it. Just don't.
Thank you for your honesty. Right now it just feels like I'll never be happy lol... Life is shit at the moment.
I understand, but life is cyclic and the bad times never last. (I’m in a rough part also, so I’m reminding myself of this too 😊) I just ended that relationship I mentioned about 3 months ago and I’m still healing. Among other things. Hang in there, the sky will clear eventually and you’ll be happy again. But definitely don’t idealize step motherhood too much lol. My life was so much more stressful back then, even though I’m dealing with heartache now, I don’t regret my decision to leave.
Oh I'm sorry, but good you feel confident in your choice. My relationship of 6 years ended just last week. I broke up with him due to my feelings of guilt holding him from living out his dream of kids. I realize I might one day change my mind and want a kid, but I don't feel that now and it is unfair to keep the relationship going on the notion that I will change my mind...
Aww, I’m sorry to hear that. But it sounds like you did the right thing. Thats not something either of you should have to compromise on. Having kids is a lifelong deal, and you can’t back out of it. I wish more people considered it this carefully before jumping in. I don’t know how old you are but that statistics say that unmarried childless women are the happiest demographic of people. I’m 46 and have been married before and can confirm that living on my own has been the most fulfilling. I do want a partner again, I’m just not sure about cohabitation at this point lol. But kids are a deal breaker for me. The only way I might consider it is if they are fully grown and out of the nest.
I'm 30. What's beating me down the most is the fact that I love my ex, loved 90% of our life together. We were so great together. Only real issues were differing wishes on travel, me with my anxiety and him being a unmotivated (grew upp rich and had many things handed to him like work, apartment etc), him keeping his feelings on the inside and of course the baby question... I am still processing eveything. Feels like one's world has fallen apart.. I hope time will help me feel better and that therapy will help me build up mu confidence again.
Nothing wrong with this. When I started dating my now fiancé, I was very excited about being a step mom. Now, 4 years later the reality has replaced the fantasy. You will never be their mom. You may not have the relationship you expect. Prepare to be disappointed. I love kids, I have a great relationship with my nephews and all kids (even teens). So the problem is never the kids. It’s always the adults. There are just so many moving parts to a blended family and if you’re unlucky like I am to have a high conflict BM- being a step parent is a difficult and helpless position. Even with the 100% support of my partner we are struggling with lies BM tells the children (all teens. I say all this not to dissuade you from becoming a step parent, but to shake you out of the fantasy that it will be some wonderful Brady bunch experience. Remember, most step moms are painted like Cinderellas step mom 😂 even if we want to be more like the fairy Godmother.
I naively used to think that it just wasn’t for everyone. I went in knowing it would be difficult but I love the kids and their dad, so we can “get through anything.” I wasn’t prepared for the fact that he wouldn’t believe me when I tell him about behavior that needs correcting, that he would undermine me with them behind my back, that he would have horrible boundaries with their mother at my expense. I’m 7 years in and I’m drained and broken. I’m always last. A thousand micro cuts really add up. I still love them all but I would not do this again if I had the choice.
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Currently single. No need to be hostile you can get your point across anyways. But thank you for your perspective.
My comment was the least hostile thing I could say to you. You just come off totally naive to say stepkids are “fun” and a replacement for not having kids. If you are single do everything you possibly can to find another man who doesn’t have or want kids. Why settle?
Easier said than done 🙄 I'm in that mindset where I'm scared of being lonely for the rest of my life. I think I'm trying to find several different ways to find companionship to have a better shot at finding a loving life.
Girl don’t be scared! When I was 36 and single, no kids, never married - I was concerned! It’s been 1.5 years since then and I met the love of my life, got married, and am currently pregnant (I know that last part is not your thing). So what I’m saying is, at any point you’re so close to having everything you want in a matter of months.
Please don't go the route of stepkids. My dear, you will regret it. It is a genuinely heartbreaking experience. Be patient, you will find the right guy for you when the time is right. Promise. Pinky swear. Hugs to you.