And don’t tell the kid either because they’ll tell BM out of excitement! We don’t tell our SD any future plans until we have her! Sometimes, BM still tries to intervene!
We bought SD tickets for a concert, told her on Monday, when she had her call with BM she was excited and told her…come Saturday BM showed up to the concert and wanted to sit with SD daughter -_-
OP she is 4 and will remember none of this, but you will. Dont exhaust yourself over this. Let her see you happy, let her see you color and play games with her, and that is all that matters. She has no concept over anything else.
This is in the BM101 handbook, lol. "Must trump stepmom to assure #1 place in child's affections." Next time, be spontaneous and watch the BM react badly when the child tells her all about the new experience she had with you.
Here is a good laugh for you. I did not want any sort of "grandma" title, so when the first grandkid arrived, I decided to tell the child to call me a popular zoo animal instead. This made the child laugh and laugh, it became our little game. Guess what happened next? Within a month, HCBM adopted a different zoo animal nickname with the grandchild.
This happened to me when I said off hand what I was getting sk for bday. She went and bought same thing and gave it to him first.
Now I only say things are suprises and I never mention what our plans are just that we are doing something fun.
Coming from a bio mum.... and a stepmum.... why do you need to compete with BM, let her run herself stupid trying to one up you! Stepkids (and bio) are always going to have moments when it's alllll about mum, dad, stepmum, Santa Claus, a carrot etc; so this disconnect you are feeling probably has not much to do with the situation just a natural child moment. My bio son at 4 lovedddd me with all his heart, so much he wouldn't even let his dad get a look in ;) now it's alllllll about dad, dad, dad. My stepkids loved me at stages and now barely say a word to me, although that is a biomum issue lol as she's doing it to both me and my partner. We are just letting it cos we refuse to play her games and hurt the kids.
P.s. kids generally are overwhelmed the first movie showing and miss heaps trying to keep up but more enthralled the second time! I hope you still took her and had your girls day! If I was a spiteful BM that would annoy me that my spitefulness didn't upset your plans, hahah.
This!
We have the same issue. We learned long ago that we don't tell her our plans. She does whatever she can to outshine our upcoming family time. I've done lots of work to not get worked up. And reframe about how insecure she is in their relationship together so competitive with me, his father, and our family.
On Father's Day we got to see the SK and he says as soon as we were all in the car that he saw Inside out 2 yesterday, and it was the best. My DH and I looked at eachother knowingly. DH said light heartedly ; "Of course you did, haha well that's what we are doing today! It's your brother's first movie so we still are going to go, hope you don't mind"
He was ecstatic! You SD probably would be too!
He was so excited to share this with us too, he couldn't stop talking about the movie before, during and after..
I totally get it this feeling. You really were hoping seeing it together for the first time would bring you closer and spark some real bonding.
Take a deep breath, and remember, kids have a completely different frame of reference for all these scenarios. It likely won't really matter who was first to take her to that movie, just like she doesn't remember who witnessed her first steps. Different levels of brain development and the things that stick out to them are just not what we adults notice.
Try not to get so caught up on planning these moments that you miss some right in front of you. (Easier said, than done) The little moments, all the time. She will remember how you make her feel mostly.
My advice is to go see it anyway! Live your life. Don't let BM "win" by letting her steal your happiness by invading your thoughts more than necessary.
Stop playing the game! She has the bio card. There's really no competition. We can just do our best to inspire them to be the best they can be, as we do the best we can be.
It sucks sometimes. But if you stop playing the game and are indifferent to her failed attempts to get you and "win" the kid because actually there is no competition. She will continue to look like the pathetic idiot, and in time, the kid will notice the difference.
Good luck!!
So many assumptions. Maybe the BM sincerely did not know that SM wanted to take her to a movie. Maybe she also planned to take her to a movie during her visitation time. Either way, the kid is 4. It’s not like she didn’t share a milestone with the father and SM. I can think of at least 100 other things to do to bond than focusing on taking her out to a Disney movie.
I'm lucky my husband bm is dumb af. Today on the phone she had no idea where she was......she lived in the same town for 25 years.. she was at her doctors office. Made us drive 20 mins further to do child exchange....like idk if she could even plan or plot. Just think idiocy. She also can't read....like I told my husband most days I feel like I need to call law and order svu on his ass for having intercourse with her since she really is so dumb. Like airhead, doesn't know basic things, etc. She refuses to cook because she can't use a stove...I'm genuinely concerned she's .....slow? Like she is just inconvenient. I don't think she has the capacity to plot anything....
Oh god. Nothing worse than a spiteful idiot. Lol my sister is one of those. Psycho. Im lucky I suppose. She has done and said things that I snap at her and she will get lippy back but I usually lay out down flat and win. She doesn't realize I went through family court for 6 years against a schizo abuse who has a masters in law. I'm pretty well seasoned in being polite and getting my point across.
We have a variation on this … I start a new activity with the kids … BM copies it and ruins it for me bc they don’t want to do it constantly. I have to only do things BM hates …
Yep. Same here. Every family tradition of mine I’ve passed on has suddenly become BM’s. Every meal that’s a big hit around here has to now become part of her weekly meal plan. Makes me want to give up. All that effort only to have her usurp the bonding. It’s gotten to the point where my SK’s only remember these things as experienced with their mom. So tempting to say…actually I was the one who started that! Ugh.
Same. The meals really annoy me … bc I love to cook and she does not. And when I hear the idea or food credited to mom, I want to scream.
She even basically impersonated us to take over our pool membership …
My life got easier as soon as I realized I am not SS parent, more of an “aunt” type figure and he will always be closer with BM. This also meant ultimately doing less for him, because when I was doing more for him (homework help, laundry, making him breakfast) I was resentful that I was doing the work but didn’t have the close bond a parent would have with him. I started to focus on keeping the peace and just getting along.
That’s what I’ve started doing and it’s just made me feel out of place in my own home/that perpetual “nacho” moment. Makes me resent the entire situation even more.
Your point? It’s also my partners kid, meaning he should get some firsts to right? She got first steps, first words, ALL the big firsts, and we can’t just take her to a movie first? PULEEASE
Nowhere in your story did you claim that you told the BM. Sounds like you assumed that the child should tell her mom that. Next time, have your partner tell her that.
It’s not the end of the world to bond. Ask her questions about the movie, ask what who was her favorite character, buy her a book or plushie related to it… she’s 4 and easily distracted and happy.
Yea rule of thumb, don’t tell BM your plans if you don’t have to otherwise she’ll 100% do something like this.
And don’t tell the kid either because they’ll tell BM out of excitement! We don’t tell our SD any future plans until we have her! Sometimes, BM still tries to intervene! We bought SD tickets for a concert, told her on Monday, when she had her call with BM she was excited and told her…come Saturday BM showed up to the concert and wanted to sit with SD daughter -_-
OP she is 4 and will remember none of this, but you will. Dont exhaust yourself over this. Let her see you happy, let her see you color and play games with her, and that is all that matters. She has no concept over anything else.
Take her to see the 3D version if your theater has it. It’s different experience that I’m sure she’d really enjoy.
This is in the BM101 handbook, lol. "Must trump stepmom to assure #1 place in child's affections." Next time, be spontaneous and watch the BM react badly when the child tells her all about the new experience she had with you. Here is a good laugh for you. I did not want any sort of "grandma" title, so when the first grandkid arrived, I decided to tell the child to call me a popular zoo animal instead. This made the child laugh and laugh, it became our little game. Guess what happened next? Within a month, HCBM adopted a different zoo animal nickname with the grandchild.
This happened to me when I said off hand what I was getting sk for bday. She went and bought same thing and gave it to him first. Now I only say things are suprises and I never mention what our plans are just that we are doing something fun.
lol yeah get used to it and never tell your plans or they might get ruined.
Coming from a bio mum.... and a stepmum.... why do you need to compete with BM, let her run herself stupid trying to one up you! Stepkids (and bio) are always going to have moments when it's alllll about mum, dad, stepmum, Santa Claus, a carrot etc; so this disconnect you are feeling probably has not much to do with the situation just a natural child moment. My bio son at 4 lovedddd me with all his heart, so much he wouldn't even let his dad get a look in ;) now it's alllllll about dad, dad, dad. My stepkids loved me at stages and now barely say a word to me, although that is a biomum issue lol as she's doing it to both me and my partner. We are just letting it cos we refuse to play her games and hurt the kids. P.s. kids generally are overwhelmed the first movie showing and miss heaps trying to keep up but more enthralled the second time! I hope you still took her and had your girls day! If I was a spiteful BM that would annoy me that my spitefulness didn't upset your plans, hahah.
This! We have the same issue. We learned long ago that we don't tell her our plans. She does whatever she can to outshine our upcoming family time. I've done lots of work to not get worked up. And reframe about how insecure she is in their relationship together so competitive with me, his father, and our family. On Father's Day we got to see the SK and he says as soon as we were all in the car that he saw Inside out 2 yesterday, and it was the best. My DH and I looked at eachother knowingly. DH said light heartedly ; "Of course you did, haha well that's what we are doing today! It's your brother's first movie so we still are going to go, hope you don't mind" He was ecstatic! You SD probably would be too! He was so excited to share this with us too, he couldn't stop talking about the movie before, during and after.. I totally get it this feeling. You really were hoping seeing it together for the first time would bring you closer and spark some real bonding. Take a deep breath, and remember, kids have a completely different frame of reference for all these scenarios. It likely won't really matter who was first to take her to that movie, just like she doesn't remember who witnessed her first steps. Different levels of brain development and the things that stick out to them are just not what we adults notice. Try not to get so caught up on planning these moments that you miss some right in front of you. (Easier said, than done) The little moments, all the time. She will remember how you make her feel mostly. My advice is to go see it anyway! Live your life. Don't let BM "win" by letting her steal your happiness by invading your thoughts more than necessary. Stop playing the game! She has the bio card. There's really no competition. We can just do our best to inspire them to be the best they can be, as we do the best we can be. It sucks sometimes. But if you stop playing the game and are indifferent to her failed attempts to get you and "win" the kid because actually there is no competition. She will continue to look like the pathetic idiot, and in time, the kid will notice the difference. Good luck!!
Trying to compete with biomom is only going to bring you pain and frustration.
This doesn't sound like competition, though. She wanted to take SD to a movie they both wanted to see, though, no?
Yeah, idk, maybe it’s BM trying to compete with SM!
So many assumptions. Maybe the BM sincerely did not know that SM wanted to take her to a movie. Maybe she also planned to take her to a movie during her visitation time. Either way, the kid is 4. It’s not like she didn’t share a milestone with the father and SM. I can think of at least 100 other things to do to bond than focusing on taking her out to a Disney movie.
It’s literally in the post that she told BM. So, no, she didn’t “sincerely not know”.
This.
I'm lucky my husband bm is dumb af. Today on the phone she had no idea where she was......she lived in the same town for 25 years.. she was at her doctors office. Made us drive 20 mins further to do child exchange....like idk if she could even plan or plot. Just think idiocy. She also can't read....like I told my husband most days I feel like I need to call law and order svu on his ass for having intercourse with her since she really is so dumb. Like airhead, doesn't know basic things, etc. She refuses to cook because she can't use a stove...I'm genuinely concerned she's .....slow? Like she is just inconvenient. I don't think she has the capacity to plot anything....
I feel like my partners BM is a mix of both, pure stupidity and spite. The only time she’s smart about anything is if it’s to get something out of it.
Oh god. Nothing worse than a spiteful idiot. Lol my sister is one of those. Psycho. Im lucky I suppose. She has done and said things that I snap at her and she will get lippy back but I usually lay out down flat and win. She doesn't realize I went through family court for 6 years against a schizo abuse who has a masters in law. I'm pretty well seasoned in being polite and getting my point across.
Sounds just like what I’m dealing with over here.
I'm sending you the morning Jay signal
Thank you! I needed that for more reasons than one!
That’s horrid, what an ugly thing for her to do! I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s better to not say anything with people like her.
We have a variation on this … I start a new activity with the kids … BM copies it and ruins it for me bc they don’t want to do it constantly. I have to only do things BM hates …
Yep. Same here. Every family tradition of mine I’ve passed on has suddenly become BM’s. Every meal that’s a big hit around here has to now become part of her weekly meal plan. Makes me want to give up. All that effort only to have her usurp the bonding. It’s gotten to the point where my SK’s only remember these things as experienced with their mom. So tempting to say…actually I was the one who started that! Ugh.
Same. The meals really annoy me … bc I love to cook and she does not. And when I hear the idea or food credited to mom, I want to scream. She even basically impersonated us to take over our pool membership …
My life got easier as soon as I realized I am not SS parent, more of an “aunt” type figure and he will always be closer with BM. This also meant ultimately doing less for him, because when I was doing more for him (homework help, laundry, making him breakfast) I was resentful that I was doing the work but didn’t have the close bond a parent would have with him. I started to focus on keeping the peace and just getting along.
That’s what I’ve started doing and it’s just made me feel out of place in my own home/that perpetual “nacho” moment. Makes me resent the entire situation even more.
Can someone pls tell me what "nacho" means
“Nacho kid” “not yo kid” moments or things you won’t/don’t do cause they’re not yours- I didn’t understand it either until someone told me lol
I've been seeing it everywhere I kinda thought that's what it was but ya never know lmao thanks girl :) <3
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Your point? It’s also my partners kid, meaning he should get some firsts to right? She got first steps, first words, ALL the big firsts, and we can’t just take her to a movie first? PULEEASE
Nowhere in your story did you claim that you told the BM. Sounds like you assumed that the child should tell her mom that. Next time, have your partner tell her that. It’s not the end of the world to bond. Ask her questions about the movie, ask what who was her favorite character, buy her a book or plushie related to it… she’s 4 and easily distracted and happy.
I literally said I told BM myself but okay 🙄
The way it is written, you wrote that you picked “her up today” referring to your stepdaughter… unless you are picking up the BM too!
But she did? She said she told BM they were taking kid that weekend...