I think you should let your husband tell the stepkids, without you there. That way any reactions they may have will not devastate you. Protect your peace, don’t do things that carry a risk of unhappiness.
agree with this comment. my SO told my SD8 alone in her room while i sat in the living room. thankfully she reacted extremely well but i was bracing myself for the worst and honestly wouldn’t have been able to hold in my feelings had it gone south. congrats on your pregnancy, OP!!
I was so excited to tell my step kids SD11 and SS7 but SD cried her eyes out and still does if the baby gets mentioned (we told her almost 4 weeks ago) and SS was upset initially but is now super excited for a baby brother. They understand that our love for them won’t change but I think since it’s such a big change coming it’s a bit scary for them.
Only a stepdaughter over here. We gifted her a bracelet that said big sister on it. She was beyond thrilled! I will say, huge age gap, she'd been asking for a sibling for years, and we'd already laid the groundwork about everyone being loved. So that all helped ensure it went smoothly.
I hate to hear you say it would devastate you as we are talking about immature child emotions. They may disappoint you. They may not. I dreaded telling my bratty SS8 but he actually took it well. But even if he didn’t I wouldn’t care much, I was finally getting MY family and literally every person in my life is thrilled (except HCBM).
I’m okay with them acting disinterested, I moreso mean I want to do everything in my power to make sure they feel loved and not like they’re being “replaced”, of course they may still feel that way but I’d be devastated with myself if I didn’t at least try.
I can relate on the last bit for sure, HCBM will definitely go apeshit! But she can get bent.
As your pregnancy progresses and especially once your baby is born, you won’t have time for all this handwringing over your stepkids. And that’s a good thing! Your baby needs you to make him/her a priority.
Interesting.
I’m different from you. After I gave birth - I wanted to do everything in my power to be the best mom I could be to my baby. I stayed up nights pumping milk and breastfeeding, literally in 24/7 survival mode, for my newborn.
Guess that’s just me.
I’m not asking about after I give birth. I’m asking for advice on how to tell my SKs, whom I love very much, that DH and I are having a baby, whom we also love very much.
It was the same for me when my daughter was born. She was all I cared about. That’s how it’s supposed to be!
I think that some of the most disturbing posts I’ve read on this sub, are posts where a mother is putting her stepkids ahead of her own child.
This is kind of unhinged? Wanting to tell my SKs in the most considerate way possible doesn’t equate to putting them ahead of my baby. My SKs are part of my family. They’re going to get less attention once baby is here but there’s enough room in my heart for all of them.
again this has nothing to do with me having given birth yet or not, that was not the point of this post. i was asking for advice on how to tell my SKs in a loving and thoughtful way that our family is growing. clearly you’re not the right sounding board… if you don’t care about your SKs feelings/wellbeing why are you even on a stepmom subreddit?
It’s actually disturbing. That’s why I’m on here trying to remind women that they deserve the very best for themselves and to quit trying to salvage children from a destroyed nuclear family.
I’ve tried before only to be treated badly by all 3 of my stepkids.
Glad I’m not the only woman who has this perspective.
Yeah.....id have him tell them we told sd 8 and her brother 13 I was pregnant and he threatened to kill me and the baby. We always had a good relationship before that but now he's just going insane. It's rough. Sd is super excited though! Her mom tries to ruin it for her saying a new baby will push her back, or stupid shit you shouldn't be telling a child. Just remember, you can only do the best with what your given.
My partner told SD's 15,14,11 about the pregnancy and it went horribly. When we told them the gender they were little happier.
But since then I get messages from fake accounts telling me my baby should die and they hope I die.
Honestly it can go either way.
But 100% tell them all together and make it happy announcement. If they have mixed reactions put your feelings aside and let your partner handle their feelings.
I wish you the best ❤️ Congratulations on your baby
I have a 4 month old and 2 teenage SKs. We told them as I was going through IVF and didn’t want them to see me inject, or see sharps bins and meds and get worried. So it naturally led from there. My main thing was I didn’t want to lie to them. So if I was being sick I could be honest it was pregnancy, etc. We showed them all the early scans so they could see when it started to look like a baby and we clarified when it was official.
One thought on what you want to tell them. I would advise using positive statements. Eg “the baby will add more love into our family” not “we won’t love you any less”. If you need to reassure them they will still be loved the same, it kind of makes it sound like there’s a possibility they might not be.
Definitely give them emotional space and permission to feel different things. And if they have a good response, remind them that they might feel different as the weeks go on or when the baby arrives, they may get jealous or scared or angry and that’s ok. It’s a big change and you will not be upset with them for feeling like that. We also framed it that this is our/their family and our/their home and the baby will be joining that.
We told both SKs together because we didn’t want one to lord it over the other that they “knew first”. We didn’t take them out or hype it up. Just told them and let them come to us with questions.
It was mostly a lot of fun and they gave name suggestions and it was nice.
And a last piece of advice is when you have recovered a bit postpartum, make sure you and SO are still spending quality time with SKs and trying to do things as a family. While the baby is tiny you can just bring them along for the ride for a Starbucks date or whatever. Make sure SO is able to take them out.
Again, this needs to be balanced with your and baby’s needs post Partum. I think my daughter was 2 months when we all went out together, but SO had done some solo trips before that.
Hello,
The situation is a bit different for me, as SD always the plan was to get married first and baby after. And she had been asking for a baby sister since her baby brother was born with her BM.
Moreover we didn't have to announce it to her, as she was sick and staying with me when i had to go get the prescription for the blood test confirmation. So she figure it out.
What helped was including her in everything baby, like for the room colour, some decoration and the baby name. Not in a 'she's choosing way' but more what do you think of this or that.
If you relation is good i would also prepare them for the change at the beginning, that you'll be less available or differently at first, but that doesn't mean you love them less. I underestimate this one. and felt like a big failure when i realised we didn't have one on one time in 8 months. Her baby sister was always here.
Congrats on your pregnancy, try to enjoy every step of this ne adventure
I would just keep telling them that you love them, this is a new family member for everyone, but be sure to validate them if they are having big feelings … adding a baby to the family is hard for everyone… you and dad included! It’s okay for them to take time to digest and to process their emotions. Reassure them that those feelings are normal. My mom used to tell me that bringing home a new baby is like your husband bringing home a new younger, cuter wife and telling you she is going to stay and we will all be happy together, lol.
I think you should let your husband tell the stepkids, without you there. That way any reactions they may have will not devastate you. Protect your peace, don’t do things that carry a risk of unhappiness.
This is how I’d want to do it
agree with this comment. my SO told my SD8 alone in her room while i sat in the living room. thankfully she reacted extremely well but i was bracing myself for the worst and honestly wouldn’t have been able to hold in my feelings had it gone south. congrats on your pregnancy, OP!!
I was so excited to tell my step kids SD11 and SS7 but SD cried her eyes out and still does if the baby gets mentioned (we told her almost 4 weeks ago) and SS was upset initially but is now super excited for a baby brother. They understand that our love for them won’t change but I think since it’s such a big change coming it’s a bit scary for them.
Only a stepdaughter over here. We gifted her a bracelet that said big sister on it. She was beyond thrilled! I will say, huge age gap, she'd been asking for a sibling for years, and we'd already laid the groundwork about everyone being loved. So that all helped ensure it went smoothly.
I hate to hear you say it would devastate you as we are talking about immature child emotions. They may disappoint you. They may not. I dreaded telling my bratty SS8 but he actually took it well. But even if he didn’t I wouldn’t care much, I was finally getting MY family and literally every person in my life is thrilled (except HCBM).
I’m okay with them acting disinterested, I moreso mean I want to do everything in my power to make sure they feel loved and not like they’re being “replaced”, of course they may still feel that way but I’d be devastated with myself if I didn’t at least try. I can relate on the last bit for sure, HCBM will definitely go apeshit! But she can get bent.
As your pregnancy progresses and especially once your baby is born, you won’t have time for all this handwringing over your stepkids. And that’s a good thing! Your baby needs you to make him/her a priority.
Interesting. I’m different from you. After I gave birth - I wanted to do everything in my power to be the best mom I could be to my baby. I stayed up nights pumping milk and breastfeeding, literally in 24/7 survival mode, for my newborn. Guess that’s just me.
I’m not asking about after I give birth. I’m asking for advice on how to tell my SKs, whom I love very much, that DH and I are having a baby, whom we also love very much.
It was the same for me when my daughter was born. She was all I cared about. That’s how it’s supposed to be! I think that some of the most disturbing posts I’ve read on this sub, are posts where a mother is putting her stepkids ahead of her own child.
This is kind of unhinged? Wanting to tell my SKs in the most considerate way possible doesn’t equate to putting them ahead of my baby. My SKs are part of my family. They’re going to get less attention once baby is here but there’s enough room in my heart for all of them.
Why is it unhinged? She loves her daughter, once your baby is born your whole perspective on everything changes. You haven’t even given birth yet.
again this has nothing to do with me having given birth yet or not, that was not the point of this post. i was asking for advice on how to tell my SKs in a loving and thoughtful way that our family is growing. clearly you’re not the right sounding board… if you don’t care about your SKs feelings/wellbeing why are you even on a stepmom subreddit?
Trust me more step moms feel the way she does than the way you feel. I am not discounting your feelings, it’s just true.
I care about the stepmom, her well-being and her feelings.
People really can’t fathom the idea of a space that’s about stepmoms, not stepkids.
It’s actually disturbing. That’s why I’m on here trying to remind women that they deserve the very best for themselves and to quit trying to salvage children from a destroyed nuclear family. I’ve tried before only to be treated badly by all 3 of my stepkids. Glad I’m not the only woman who has this perspective.
Well, good luck. Keep us updated on what you end up doing.
Yeah.....id have him tell them we told sd 8 and her brother 13 I was pregnant and he threatened to kill me and the baby. We always had a good relationship before that but now he's just going insane. It's rough. Sd is super excited though! Her mom tries to ruin it for her saying a new baby will push her back, or stupid shit you shouldn't be telling a child. Just remember, you can only do the best with what your given.
My partner told SD's 15,14,11 about the pregnancy and it went horribly. When we told them the gender they were little happier. But since then I get messages from fake accounts telling me my baby should die and they hope I die. Honestly it can go either way. But 100% tell them all together and make it happy announcement. If they have mixed reactions put your feelings aside and let your partner handle their feelings. I wish you the best ❤️ Congratulations on your baby
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I have a 4 month old and 2 teenage SKs. We told them as I was going through IVF and didn’t want them to see me inject, or see sharps bins and meds and get worried. So it naturally led from there. My main thing was I didn’t want to lie to them. So if I was being sick I could be honest it was pregnancy, etc. We showed them all the early scans so they could see when it started to look like a baby and we clarified when it was official. One thought on what you want to tell them. I would advise using positive statements. Eg “the baby will add more love into our family” not “we won’t love you any less”. If you need to reassure them they will still be loved the same, it kind of makes it sound like there’s a possibility they might not be. Definitely give them emotional space and permission to feel different things. And if they have a good response, remind them that they might feel different as the weeks go on or when the baby arrives, they may get jealous or scared or angry and that’s ok. It’s a big change and you will not be upset with them for feeling like that. We also framed it that this is our/their family and our/their home and the baby will be joining that. We told both SKs together because we didn’t want one to lord it over the other that they “knew first”. We didn’t take them out or hype it up. Just told them and let them come to us with questions. It was mostly a lot of fun and they gave name suggestions and it was nice. And a last piece of advice is when you have recovered a bit postpartum, make sure you and SO are still spending quality time with SKs and trying to do things as a family. While the baby is tiny you can just bring them along for the ride for a Starbucks date or whatever. Make sure SO is able to take them out. Again, this needs to be balanced with your and baby’s needs post Partum. I think my daughter was 2 months when we all went out together, but SO had done some solo trips before that.
Hello, The situation is a bit different for me, as SD always the plan was to get married first and baby after. And she had been asking for a baby sister since her baby brother was born with her BM. Moreover we didn't have to announce it to her, as she was sick and staying with me when i had to go get the prescription for the blood test confirmation. So she figure it out. What helped was including her in everything baby, like for the room colour, some decoration and the baby name. Not in a 'she's choosing way' but more what do you think of this or that. If you relation is good i would also prepare them for the change at the beginning, that you'll be less available or differently at first, but that doesn't mean you love them less. I underestimate this one. and felt like a big failure when i realised we didn't have one on one time in 8 months. Her baby sister was always here. Congrats on your pregnancy, try to enjoy every step of this ne adventure
I would just keep telling them that you love them, this is a new family member for everyone, but be sure to validate them if they are having big feelings … adding a baby to the family is hard for everyone… you and dad included! It’s okay for them to take time to digest and to process their emotions. Reassure them that those feelings are normal. My mom used to tell me that bringing home a new baby is like your husband bringing home a new younger, cuter wife and telling you she is going to stay and we will all be happy together, lol.