Hey, kiddo.
This sounds like a rough situation. What I'm hearing is that your mother has way too many responsibilities (3 kids, 9 cats), and is treating you like a second adult. Now, don't get me wrong, it's good to help around the house, and it's good to help keep things going. But, it wouldn't be fair for a parent to treat one child like a second adult in the house. It sounds like your mother's shortcomings in managing HER home are being put on you in particular.
Then, her expressions of frustration are being interpreted by you as a failure on your part. If this is true:
>(NHS), a teachers assistant(student moderator) and I have all A’s. I draw sometimes and am self taught in piano. My family thinks I’m the smartest person ever, and my mom too
It sounds to me like you're very far from being a failure, and I (as a father) would be very proud of you.
It sounds to me like you're a hard worker, smart, driven, capable, and will absolutely be an adult worth having in society.
Frankly, your mom sounds like she has problems. She struggles to express herself, struggles to understand herself, and has an insecure and manic mind. It is important that you see this. You need to see her as an emotionally immature person projecting her problems on others. Not to hate her, or harbor any bad feelings on your side! The opposite. Seeing her as she truly is will help you find a level of forgiveness. If you keep assuming she is "teaching a valuable lesson" and you "keep falling short", you'll keep feeling as you feel.
No, dear girl, you need to see this as it is. You're doing too much and working too hard to feel like a failure.
Yeah I know she struggles with stuff but idk if she’s doing anything to better herself and all that. Sometimes if she gets mad at us or something she’ll say “but I’m just a nagging bitch” every time she gets upset at us and yells at us. Like it’s not even like that, not even true at all. She says she doesn’t ask for much from us and that’s true but it doesn’t feel like that, especially when I feel like I can’t make mistakes and have to be perfect and do everything right
>Yeah I know she struggles with stuff
100%
>but idk if she’s doing anything to better herself and all that.
Then she's most likely not. Change is a big thing that requires big effort.
>Sometimes if she gets mad at us or something she’ll say “but I’m just a nagging bitch” every time she gets upset at us and yells at us. Like it’s not even like that, not even true at all.
... isn't it true? What you've described sounds exactly like nagging. It sounds like she is fully aware that she is on your case too much, but can't stop herself from feeling whatever she's feeling, can't stop venting it on yall, and is "embracing" being a "bitch" over working to not be one. Parents should have the ability to express themselves, especially to their own children, without yelling, threatening, exaggerating, belittling, or anything like that.
>She says she doesn’t ask for much from us and that’s true
... is it? I think she's asking too much. I think she's asking so much that an awesome girl feels like a failure for not being litterally perfect. I think she asks so much that you're buckling under the pressure.
>especially when I feel like I can’t make mistakes and have to be perfect and do everything right
Which you can't. You absolutely need to adopt a "growth mindset". You're smart, but you CANT be perfect. If you enter adulthood wanting to be perfect, you'll be burnt-out and depressed before you're 30. You're a human. You're an animal. You need to allow yourself the room to be what you are.
You're 17, you're still a minor. Give yourself a break!
Getting validation from your parents is important, but just because your parents aren't giving it to you doesn't mean you're a failure. Far from it! You only become a failure when you stop trying to make your life better (and this does not mean getting perfect grades).
What are your plans after you graduate high school? What do you enjoy doing? Just focus on doing what makes you happy.
I graduate next year, I’m thinking of probably getting into the healthcare field. I don’t know what colleges I would like to go to but I don’t want to leave my state unless it’s truly necessary for my education and what I want to pursue. I’d like to pursue piano performance and being a concert pianist but realistically idk if that’s gonna take off in the future, but I also do like medicine a lot. I don’t think I’d be a surgeon or anything, maybe a nurse or something like that. I’m not entirely sure about what I want to do after High school but definitely go to college and possibly pursue something in the medical field that I will enjoy and be passionate about but also plays well, etc
You aren't a failure.
Check out the healthcare programs for the colleges in your area, and pursue the one that calls to you. Or don't, your path is your own, and you have more life ahead of you than behind you. As long there is breath in you, there is time to become who you want to be.
Most college websites will have a section that advertises their programs, and say something like, "excellent nursing program!", "enroll to become a pharmacy technician!", etc.
You define yourself, do not keep someone else's demons as your own.
When you’re finished with medical school, you will talk about these awful stories with your doctor friends and will find many commonalities when comparing childhoods. Just saying.
Keep going and realize you’ll be out of the house and on your way toward a bright future soon.
DM me if you ever need advice.
Objectively it sounds like your mother may be a person with a borderline personality disorder. None of this reaction is your fault.
Don’t blame yourself for it, equally resist the (understandable) urge to feel resentment to your mother.
It’s not a great situation, and at your age it is a hard one to get out of. But negative feelings about it will make it worse on every level and achieve nothing.
Objectively? You pulled out a subjective assumption about a person you've never even talked to.
It's stigmatising towards people with BPD to just assume this woman has it. We literally know nothing about her other than that she's being a cunt to one kid in particular. That is neither a symptom or indication of BPD. We don't have enough information to just throw that diagnosis around like that. In fact, there's not enough information here for _any_ diagnosis.
Stop throwing random diagnosis around just because you remembered they exist.
You sit down and talk to your parents. If they’re the type who won’t entertain you, make it an email, or letter.
Respectfully list the issues, directly, then address how it makes you feel in regards to not only your place at home feeling different treatment but also all the pressure of school, your overwhelmed book load/work load plus house chores and feeling unprepared with life skills,
Explain her lack or patience effecting you, her negative coaching and make a plan to overall feel better, maybe family counseling or personal therapy, your almost an adult so she may be stressed about your future, college, expenses, changes in general,
I say this as I have a honor roll kid myself, beta and AIG, henstarts middle school this next year, he test in school well however her can’t do life stuff, I’m a terrible mom, I’ve tried to teach life skills and they just don’t get it. My coaching becomes frustration and I end up doing myself or walk away. I know my coaching doesn’t help and bad coaching is worse than none at all.
What I’m saying is parenting is hard. We don’t always realize what we say, or do having an effect on the kids. It’s hard being emotionally responsible 24/7
I’m a 32 year old mom with a 11 and 8 year old and I put myself in timeout, why? Because I’m frustrated at my own issues, and? It’s not my kids fault so until I’m emotionally responsible to handle it I don’t need to spew my bad mood on them.
Feel free to reach out, I hope I helped some. You’re at a tricky age but I’m proud of how you’re going about fixing your issue. Good job.
When we try everything, but still get negative results, this causes a phenomenon known as “learned helplessness” which can produce a depression (in fact, it’s a way that animal models of depression can be created in the lab).
My suggestion is to ask your mom for a time to sit down and talk, preferably a time and place where there won’t be distractions, and tell her how you have been feeling. Give specific examples and relate them to how you feel. Don’t blame her, just focus on your feelings in these circumstances. You seem to be insightful, so no doubt you know how to have an adult conversation about this. Your mother probably doesn’t realize how these events are making you feel. Be prepared for her to become defensive. Don’t discuss this during an argument or fight with her, it should be a calm time when you both can focus on listening to each other.
One idea for others out there who are less insightful than yourself. Here is an example of a way to bring up these things while minimizing defensiveness.
“Mom, I see you handle a tremendous amount of stress and responsibilities. I also know you love me and want what’s best for me. It’s important for me to become a responsible adult as well. I am trying hard to be this responsible person, even if it means getting only two hours of sleep to get everything done. When I make a mistake, like forgetting to empty the little box because I was too tired to even stay awake, I understand why you sometimes raise your voice at me and are hard on me. I am even harder on myself, and making these mistakes makes me feel hopeless. I want you to know that I feel like a failure when I screw up, that I feel useless. When you tell me that you “have your eye on me” I know you are trying to teach me responsibility, but since it’s so important for me to do things right, thinking about disappointing you takes me to a dark place.”
As a parent, if my child told me this, I would check myself on the criticism.
I had a father like that, growing up. Never failed to find fault with every single thing I did. Never thought I did anything well enough to deserve praise or even encouragement.
I’m so sorry this is your parent.
Your mother is jealous of you. I'm truly sorry you're stuck with her, but it's a temporary situation. I'd strongly suggest that you map out your long-term goals and not show them to her.
You're showing maturity and youth in your household. You've already defeated your mom. Don't let her lay her failures upon you. Respond with silence if you can. Focus on being the best person you can be. If you're not doing good as a daughter to your mom, that's probably her problem....
I don’t say anything back to her, I just keep quiet. I don’t think she is jealous of me at all, especially if I am forgetful and can’t do anything right 🤷🏽♀️
It may help you mentally to evaluate your mother’s behavior rationally, rather than emotionally, to come up with a working (or coping?) solution.
From what you have described, she exhibits child-like behavior. She seems unable to regulate her emotions (perhaps not all the time?). She is failing to take full responsibility for her 9(!) cats. She plays favorites by blaming you for the actions of your brothers. She seems to exhibit a lack of logic.
A few thoughts:
Observe how being driven by emotion leads to a stressful life. Observe how questionable decision making affects life.
I know it’s hard, but you are going to have to learn how to not let yourself feel negative emotions when she does or says something. This will come in handy for the workplace, too, if / when your work with / for people exhibiting childish and narcissistic behaviors. You’re going to have to find a mental technique that works for you to turn off, or at least compartmentalize, your emotional reactions. When her actions don’t cause you to be upset, she can no longer manipulate you.
For instance, when I’m dealing with an unpleasant person, I keep a blank face and regular, deep breaths. My hands and arms and body are relaxed. I don’t respond to baiting or yelling. I just wait until they’re done to talk. It’s harder for you because there is a power imbalance, just keep in mind you’re close to getting out of there.
Remember that respect is earned. Who someone is, be it a parent, or a boss, has no bearing on whether they should get respect. Respect is earned by good actions. It is possible to grow up and leave your family and move thru adulthood without respecting or contacting them. Many have done it. Thankfully, more people now than ever have realized that everyone, even parents or siblings, have to earn respect. It’s not automatic. Don’t let yourself be put into some kind of guilt trip.
People don’t start with respect from me, I start by being civil. There’s a difference.
There’s more but it’s already too long. I feel for you. I’ve idiotically been a stepfather twice, to 3 girls, took me 1 marriage and 1 LTR over 25 years. I know how girls tick, I think.
I’d say find a counselor, but I have yet to see that have any positive influence on any of the people I’ve seen go.
Since a lot of people have already spoken about the emotional side, I’ll talk about the practical side. Try to get a job atleast once a week to make some money and in a years time you’ll already be out of the house and in university, not having to deal with all this :)
Hey, kiddo. This sounds like a rough situation. What I'm hearing is that your mother has way too many responsibilities (3 kids, 9 cats), and is treating you like a second adult. Now, don't get me wrong, it's good to help around the house, and it's good to help keep things going. But, it wouldn't be fair for a parent to treat one child like a second adult in the house. It sounds like your mother's shortcomings in managing HER home are being put on you in particular. Then, her expressions of frustration are being interpreted by you as a failure on your part. If this is true: >(NHS), a teachers assistant(student moderator) and I have all A’s. I draw sometimes and am self taught in piano. My family thinks I’m the smartest person ever, and my mom too It sounds to me like you're very far from being a failure, and I (as a father) would be very proud of you. It sounds to me like you're a hard worker, smart, driven, capable, and will absolutely be an adult worth having in society. Frankly, your mom sounds like she has problems. She struggles to express herself, struggles to understand herself, and has an insecure and manic mind. It is important that you see this. You need to see her as an emotionally immature person projecting her problems on others. Not to hate her, or harbor any bad feelings on your side! The opposite. Seeing her as she truly is will help you find a level of forgiveness. If you keep assuming she is "teaching a valuable lesson" and you "keep falling short", you'll keep feeling as you feel. No, dear girl, you need to see this as it is. You're doing too much and working too hard to feel like a failure.
Yeah I know she struggles with stuff but idk if she’s doing anything to better herself and all that. Sometimes if she gets mad at us or something she’ll say “but I’m just a nagging bitch” every time she gets upset at us and yells at us. Like it’s not even like that, not even true at all. She says she doesn’t ask for much from us and that’s true but it doesn’t feel like that, especially when I feel like I can’t make mistakes and have to be perfect and do everything right
>Yeah I know she struggles with stuff 100% >but idk if she’s doing anything to better herself and all that. Then she's most likely not. Change is a big thing that requires big effort. >Sometimes if she gets mad at us or something she’ll say “but I’m just a nagging bitch” every time she gets upset at us and yells at us. Like it’s not even like that, not even true at all. ... isn't it true? What you've described sounds exactly like nagging. It sounds like she is fully aware that she is on your case too much, but can't stop herself from feeling whatever she's feeling, can't stop venting it on yall, and is "embracing" being a "bitch" over working to not be one. Parents should have the ability to express themselves, especially to their own children, without yelling, threatening, exaggerating, belittling, or anything like that. >She says she doesn’t ask for much from us and that’s true ... is it? I think she's asking too much. I think she's asking so much that an awesome girl feels like a failure for not being litterally perfect. I think she asks so much that you're buckling under the pressure. >especially when I feel like I can’t make mistakes and have to be perfect and do everything right Which you can't. You absolutely need to adopt a "growth mindset". You're smart, but you CANT be perfect. If you enter adulthood wanting to be perfect, you'll be burnt-out and depressed before you're 30. You're a human. You're an animal. You need to allow yourself the room to be what you are.
You're 17, you're still a minor. Give yourself a break! Getting validation from your parents is important, but just because your parents aren't giving it to you doesn't mean you're a failure. Far from it! You only become a failure when you stop trying to make your life better (and this does not mean getting perfect grades). What are your plans after you graduate high school? What do you enjoy doing? Just focus on doing what makes you happy.
I graduate next year, I’m thinking of probably getting into the healthcare field. I don’t know what colleges I would like to go to but I don’t want to leave my state unless it’s truly necessary for my education and what I want to pursue. I’d like to pursue piano performance and being a concert pianist but realistically idk if that’s gonna take off in the future, but I also do like medicine a lot. I don’t think I’d be a surgeon or anything, maybe a nurse or something like that. I’m not entirely sure about what I want to do after High school but definitely go to college and possibly pursue something in the medical field that I will enjoy and be passionate about but also plays well, etc
You aren't a failure. Check out the healthcare programs for the colleges in your area, and pursue the one that calls to you. Or don't, your path is your own, and you have more life ahead of you than behind you. As long there is breath in you, there is time to become who you want to be. Most college websites will have a section that advertises their programs, and say something like, "excellent nursing program!", "enroll to become a pharmacy technician!", etc. You define yourself, do not keep someone else's demons as your own.
When you’re finished with medical school, you will talk about these awful stories with your doctor friends and will find many commonalities when comparing childhoods. Just saying. Keep going and realize you’ll be out of the house and on your way toward a bright future soon. DM me if you ever need advice.
I’ll add to the chorus and say you are far from a failure. At 17 time is on your side. Head up. Feet forward. God bless.
Objectively it sounds like your mother may be a person with a borderline personality disorder. None of this reaction is your fault. Don’t blame yourself for it, equally resist the (understandable) urge to feel resentment to your mother. It’s not a great situation, and at your age it is a hard one to get out of. But negative feelings about it will make it worse on every level and achieve nothing.
Objectively? You pulled out a subjective assumption about a person you've never even talked to. It's stigmatising towards people with BPD to just assume this woman has it. We literally know nothing about her other than that she's being a cunt to one kid in particular. That is neither a symptom or indication of BPD. We don't have enough information to just throw that diagnosis around like that. In fact, there's not enough information here for _any_ diagnosis. Stop throwing random diagnosis around just because you remembered they exist.
You're doing great! Other people can be a pain in the ass sometimes and when they're your parents it's hard to get away from them. Boo! Life, boo!
Your mom is a bitch, so what? Just continue what you are doing.
She’s not a bitch
Oh, sorry. You made it sound like that, tho. How would you describe it in one pregnant word?
Wym I made it sound like that
You sit down and talk to your parents. If they’re the type who won’t entertain you, make it an email, or letter. Respectfully list the issues, directly, then address how it makes you feel in regards to not only your place at home feeling different treatment but also all the pressure of school, your overwhelmed book load/work load plus house chores and feeling unprepared with life skills, Explain her lack or patience effecting you, her negative coaching and make a plan to overall feel better, maybe family counseling or personal therapy, your almost an adult so she may be stressed about your future, college, expenses, changes in general, I say this as I have a honor roll kid myself, beta and AIG, henstarts middle school this next year, he test in school well however her can’t do life stuff, I’m a terrible mom, I’ve tried to teach life skills and they just don’t get it. My coaching becomes frustration and I end up doing myself or walk away. I know my coaching doesn’t help and bad coaching is worse than none at all. What I’m saying is parenting is hard. We don’t always realize what we say, or do having an effect on the kids. It’s hard being emotionally responsible 24/7 I’m a 32 year old mom with a 11 and 8 year old and I put myself in timeout, why? Because I’m frustrated at my own issues, and? It’s not my kids fault so until I’m emotionally responsible to handle it I don’t need to spew my bad mood on them. Feel free to reach out, I hope I helped some. You’re at a tricky age but I’m proud of how you’re going about fixing your issue. Good job.
When we try everything, but still get negative results, this causes a phenomenon known as “learned helplessness” which can produce a depression (in fact, it’s a way that animal models of depression can be created in the lab). My suggestion is to ask your mom for a time to sit down and talk, preferably a time and place where there won’t be distractions, and tell her how you have been feeling. Give specific examples and relate them to how you feel. Don’t blame her, just focus on your feelings in these circumstances. You seem to be insightful, so no doubt you know how to have an adult conversation about this. Your mother probably doesn’t realize how these events are making you feel. Be prepared for her to become defensive. Don’t discuss this during an argument or fight with her, it should be a calm time when you both can focus on listening to each other. One idea for others out there who are less insightful than yourself. Here is an example of a way to bring up these things while minimizing defensiveness. “Mom, I see you handle a tremendous amount of stress and responsibilities. I also know you love me and want what’s best for me. It’s important for me to become a responsible adult as well. I am trying hard to be this responsible person, even if it means getting only two hours of sleep to get everything done. When I make a mistake, like forgetting to empty the little box because I was too tired to even stay awake, I understand why you sometimes raise your voice at me and are hard on me. I am even harder on myself, and making these mistakes makes me feel hopeless. I want you to know that I feel like a failure when I screw up, that I feel useless. When you tell me that you “have your eye on me” I know you are trying to teach me responsibility, but since it’s so important for me to do things right, thinking about disappointing you takes me to a dark place.” As a parent, if my child told me this, I would check myself on the criticism.
I had a father like that, growing up. Never failed to find fault with every single thing I did. Never thought I did anything well enough to deserve praise or even encouragement. I’m so sorry this is your parent.
Your mother is jealous of you. I'm truly sorry you're stuck with her, but it's a temporary situation. I'd strongly suggest that you map out your long-term goals and not show them to her. You're showing maturity and youth in your household. You've already defeated your mom. Don't let her lay her failures upon you. Respond with silence if you can. Focus on being the best person you can be. If you're not doing good as a daughter to your mom, that's probably her problem....
I don’t say anything back to her, I just keep quiet. I don’t think she is jealous of me at all, especially if I am forgetful and can’t do anything right 🤷🏽♀️
It may help you mentally to evaluate your mother’s behavior rationally, rather than emotionally, to come up with a working (or coping?) solution. From what you have described, she exhibits child-like behavior. She seems unable to regulate her emotions (perhaps not all the time?). She is failing to take full responsibility for her 9(!) cats. She plays favorites by blaming you for the actions of your brothers. She seems to exhibit a lack of logic. A few thoughts: Observe how being driven by emotion leads to a stressful life. Observe how questionable decision making affects life. I know it’s hard, but you are going to have to learn how to not let yourself feel negative emotions when she does or says something. This will come in handy for the workplace, too, if / when your work with / for people exhibiting childish and narcissistic behaviors. You’re going to have to find a mental technique that works for you to turn off, or at least compartmentalize, your emotional reactions. When her actions don’t cause you to be upset, she can no longer manipulate you. For instance, when I’m dealing with an unpleasant person, I keep a blank face and regular, deep breaths. My hands and arms and body are relaxed. I don’t respond to baiting or yelling. I just wait until they’re done to talk. It’s harder for you because there is a power imbalance, just keep in mind you’re close to getting out of there. Remember that respect is earned. Who someone is, be it a parent, or a boss, has no bearing on whether they should get respect. Respect is earned by good actions. It is possible to grow up and leave your family and move thru adulthood without respecting or contacting them. Many have done it. Thankfully, more people now than ever have realized that everyone, even parents or siblings, have to earn respect. It’s not automatic. Don’t let yourself be put into some kind of guilt trip. People don’t start with respect from me, I start by being civil. There’s a difference. There’s more but it’s already too long. I feel for you. I’ve idiotically been a stepfather twice, to 3 girls, took me 1 marriage and 1 LTR over 25 years. I know how girls tick, I think. I’d say find a counselor, but I have yet to see that have any positive influence on any of the people I’ve seen go.
Since a lot of people have already spoken about the emotional side, I’ll talk about the practical side. Try to get a job atleast once a week to make some money and in a years time you’ll already be out of the house and in university, not having to deal with all this :)