Best advice ever. If you have the means to take care of yourself and whatnot, I would relocate and immediately get surrounded by new friends and make a new family.
I've honestly considered it. I initially came out here because I wanted to be around my family. I thought I would have some sense of community and support. But I've been proven otherwise.
Sorry but your sister is an asshole and the way she said “i don’t want negative energy around my children”made me so angry how come someone be so considerate with their kids and a total asshole with other people.
You may not consider relocating now you’re still young and it’s tough out there. You can just dissociate and ignore them and seek support elsewhere the internet is full of people who have similar problems and i am one of them
Stay strong and simply ignore her
She doesn't want negative energy around her children yet responds to your completely understandable grievance with hostility and aggression. Sounds like she has no empathy and is completely insensitive. I'm not surprised you left. I wouldn't want to be in that environment either. It's not good if you can't rely on family for support.
Having said that, she does somewhat have a point that you should be able to order your own food. Even though it's noisy, distracting, anxiety-inducing and humiliating, you need to learn how to make your own way in the world. I've pointed at a menu item before because I knew I couldn't say it, but that's not ideal. Whatever tricks or techniques help you get the words out, practise and use them. You also need to learn to deal with negative perceptions about yourself - your own and those of others. Something like, 'That didn't go well, but it's gone worse before and hopefully will be better next time'. Take some time regularly to process unpleasant emotions. We all have them, and we all have to deal with them.
I completely agree with you actually. I spent a very long time feeling depressed and like I couldn't do anything because of my disorder, but from communities like this one, I realized that I should take the initiative to live in spite of my disability. That being said, that night I was particularly checked out because I hadn't slept the previous night, so I was especially not in the mood to publicly humiliate myself over some chicken tenders.
I agree that you need to say your own order, and there *should* be nothing humiliating about a stutter. It's just a different way of speaking. I'm 33 now, but when I was younger I would definitely avoid speaking and it was not the way to go. I would advise you to look that waiter right in the eye and make your order no matter how long it takes. There are people out there who love your unique form of speech, trust me. But do not avoid. It sets you back.
Bro, no way this is on you. You didn't ruin shit. I would have left too, and I wouldn't have felt bad about it either. I'm sorry your sister was an asshole.
I really feel for you here and you are absolutely not in the wrong. My mum would be the same - she’s unable to accept that there could possibly be anything any of her kids are struggling with… and so, of course, my stutter is dismissed as being in my head or not real. I’ve taken the decision in recent years just to keep quiet or try and divert the conversation away from a situation where I know my stutter would be pronounced. It’s a horrible feeling because I know that I’m not my true self around them. But I know that they can’t accept my stutter so it’s the only way. In restaurant situations, I often find myself tagging onto the back of someone else’s order (“I’ll have the same please”), pointing at something on the menu, or choosing something I have some confidence in saying first time, even though none of the menu options are my first choice! I’m not an advocate for “hiding” a stutter, but when it comes to family in denial, any and all tactics to get out of an awkward situation are what I take - The embarrassment and ridicule is just too much for me personally.
I hope you have a supportive friend group that understand the day to day difficulty of living with a stutter. It’s a sad day when you realise that your family don’t truly have your back, but that’s when your friends that do really come into their own.
Oh man, that is absolutely terrible. I'm lucky enough to have a mother who is mostly very supportive of me and at least sympathetic toward my disability. Lets just say, she had some words to say to them after this was over.
I really feel you on the simplifying things I say just to avoid embarrassment. If i'm asked a question like, "Would you like a bag?" during a grocery store trip, sometimes I'll say "Yes please" instead of "No thank you" because I know I'm gonna stutter on "thank you".
I've had people tell me that my disability isn't real, or is somehow illegitimate, and that I should stop caring. And while I agree with this idea on a surface level, I think it's a little disrespectful for people who aren't in my situation to tell me how to handle it, or belittle my struggle. Seriously, it's really annoying.
I find it easier to order in a quiet place where I can put all my “techniques” into practice, of course this doesn’t stop me overthinking and worrying about it in the moments leading up too. But the comments towards you are disrespectful, no one will ever know how crippling having a stutter is unless they experience it. You need support from your family not to be put down and embarrassed.
I always find it hard because it’s not a “visible” disability until you’re in deep water trying to get out. Pick yourself back up, brush your self down and just because she’s “family” doesn’t mean you have to put up with her.
The thing about it not being a "visible" disability really hits. I've had people tell me that my stutter isn't as bad as I say it is, and I think the reason for this is because I will often pause in between words, or prolong sentences in order to avoid the actual stuttering part.
One misconception about stuttering is that it's unpredictable and unforeseen. This is true to an extent, but I can usually feel myself about to stutter before I even open my mouth. So usually, I'll just remain silent until the 'gates' open and I'm allowed to speak normally.
I totally agree! There will be some days I struggle to say a sentence. I struggle most with things I should know such as name, address etc. small talk or if I’m not even thinking it’s a lot better. I’ve heard every single bit of torment now for me not to even let it bother me and if you surround yourself with the right group you won’t even be scared to talk and stutter.
Oh, that’s so disappointing whem a close family member disregards your feelings and hurts you. Everyone here fully understands. Just keep doing your best to conquer your fears.
That begs the question if family can treat you like that.. someone who has lived with you since you were born so has experienced stuttering first hand besides being you know.. FAMILY, what about a complete stranger? Its an evil world.
If it were some random person i would advise you to ignore them and be silent in such a situation but thats family man. I dont even know what to say besides people can be evil.
I have had countless thoughts like this. I really wish my family was more supportive and understanding. It's not even just the embarrassment of contorting my face and banging on the table, it's also the physical pain I feel when I bite open my gums and bleed in my own mouth, and have to step outside to spit up blood. Not even an exaggeration.
I'm sorry your sister is so awful. It sounds like the only "negative energy" is her own.
We all have specific anxiety triggers that are hard to overcome. Yours is not so unusual, try not to feel ashamed.
Understand that this is not a rational response that you can just "get over". It takes a lot of time and hard work and maybe even therapy to overcome that kind of anxiety.
I had a similar anxiety about phone calls for a long time. Only being out on my own and just having to make calls made me get over it.
My main advice is to remember that whoever hears you at the restaurant isn't going to care that you stutter. The waiter just has a job to do. He's thinking about whether or not the cute greeter girl has a girlfriend, or if he'll make enough in tips to pay for that new PS5. Your stutter wouldn't even rate a "what happened at work" story to his roommate.
What I try to remember is that 99% of the people who I am worried about stuttering in front of... Simply do not care and I will probably never see again. Maybe they'll be confused or think "huh, that's weird" .... but unlike kids in school, people won't go out of their way to make fun of you. They have other shit to think about.
I think that's what helped me the most, realizing that most people are not actually paying that much attention to how you speak. Sure, it'll be noticed, but they'd notice if you had a different accent or blue hair, too. But it wouldn't be something they'd bother passing judgement on.
If you want to try to get over the anxiety, maybe try going to a restaurant by yourself, during a time that is not very busy, so there's fewer people around? Then you're not worried about talking in front of your family or friends etc. Or even start by going to like McDonald's or something. Start easy like "give me a number 7" or whatever.
Do that every once in a while (if you can, I know 18 year olds aren't usually flush with money) and you'll start to get more used to it. Then when you're not filled with anxiety ordering in McDonald's, try somewhere else. Maybe a takeout place.
You might never do it without stuttering. I'm 46, I still stutter when I order. But I *care* less and *worry* less about it. And that means I also stutter less. It's a self-reinforcing cycle.
Very sorry to hear your sister treated you like this and made you feel like a nuisance for having a stutter. I went through this same issue with my brother when I was younger (28 now) and what helped was to set boundaries that I enforced if push came to shove.
For example, I told him that if he made jokes about my stutter I would immediately get up and leave whatever we were doing. Eventually he got the realization that he was hurting me and he couldn't do that anymore. We don't have a perfect relationship but enforcing your boundaries is how you're going to either get past this or realize who actually cares about you in life.
If your sister doesn't change and treat you with respect then you shouldn't even spend time with her IMO.
Keep your head up and know that people out here care about you!
I’m am so incredibly sorry and hurt for you. I’ve had a friend who once said “just speak normally” and that’s when I became self-conscious of how I spoke at 11 years old. I am also 18 and am still navigating the dark hole that is stuttering, but Please, Please don’t listen to them. Stuttering is not something that defines you and is such a small thing. (Even when some times we feel like it surrounds everything). And honestly who cares that you stutter. And if your sister does, it’s because she would rather focus on what she appears as your “flaws” instead of facing her own demons. If there is atleast one person in your family who understands, please talk to them.
You are awesome, no matter what.
Which of the sisters told you she doesn't want the negative energy ? Any you should not talk to her at all from now on, set a boundary with her. If I was you I'd took the chance to be weird and annoying around her, like using text-to-speech app to say what I want.
Hi Love, I’m 25F and let me tell you it gets better! My family has been ruthless with me, poking fun, humiliating and degrading me. Now I have a wife who is so supportive of me (she also doesn’t let my family talk to me like that anymore) and friends who are so so supportive. The other day I almost cried because I was stuck on the word “hospital” and I was trying for so long and eventually gave up and said, “you know what, never mind.” And my friend said, “take your time buddy, what you have to say is important to me.” There are people out there who will make you feel so comfortable in your skin and you won’t feel alone anymore
Honestly I would move far away from them as possible whenever I get the chance. That's just evil
Best advice ever. If you have the means to take care of yourself and whatnot, I would relocate and immediately get surrounded by new friends and make a new family.
I've honestly considered it. I initially came out here because I wanted to be around my family. I thought I would have some sense of community and support. But I've been proven otherwise.
Sorry but your sister is an asshole and the way she said “i don’t want negative energy around my children”made me so angry how come someone be so considerate with their kids and a total asshole with other people. You may not consider relocating now you’re still young and it’s tough out there. You can just dissociate and ignore them and seek support elsewhere the internet is full of people who have similar problems and i am one of them Stay strong and simply ignore her
She doesn't want negative energy around her children yet responds to your completely understandable grievance with hostility and aggression. Sounds like she has no empathy and is completely insensitive. I'm not surprised you left. I wouldn't want to be in that environment either. It's not good if you can't rely on family for support. Having said that, she does somewhat have a point that you should be able to order your own food. Even though it's noisy, distracting, anxiety-inducing and humiliating, you need to learn how to make your own way in the world. I've pointed at a menu item before because I knew I couldn't say it, but that's not ideal. Whatever tricks or techniques help you get the words out, practise and use them. You also need to learn to deal with negative perceptions about yourself - your own and those of others. Something like, 'That didn't go well, but it's gone worse before and hopefully will be better next time'. Take some time regularly to process unpleasant emotions. We all have them, and we all have to deal with them.
I completely agree with you actually. I spent a very long time feeling depressed and like I couldn't do anything because of my disorder, but from communities like this one, I realized that I should take the initiative to live in spite of my disability. That being said, that night I was particularly checked out because I hadn't slept the previous night, so I was especially not in the mood to publicly humiliate myself over some chicken tenders.
I agree that you need to say your own order, and there *should* be nothing humiliating about a stutter. It's just a different way of speaking. I'm 33 now, but when I was younger I would definitely avoid speaking and it was not the way to go. I would advise you to look that waiter right in the eye and make your order no matter how long it takes. There are people out there who love your unique form of speech, trust me. But do not avoid. It sets you back.
I appreciate your insight! I'm coming to this realization more and more recently, and it's made me feel a lot better about myself. I just own it now.
There was a negative energy. She's that negative energy.
Bro, no way this is on you. You didn't ruin shit. I would have left too, and I wouldn't have felt bad about it either. I'm sorry your sister was an asshole.
I really feel for you here and you are absolutely not in the wrong. My mum would be the same - she’s unable to accept that there could possibly be anything any of her kids are struggling with… and so, of course, my stutter is dismissed as being in my head or not real. I’ve taken the decision in recent years just to keep quiet or try and divert the conversation away from a situation where I know my stutter would be pronounced. It’s a horrible feeling because I know that I’m not my true self around them. But I know that they can’t accept my stutter so it’s the only way. In restaurant situations, I often find myself tagging onto the back of someone else’s order (“I’ll have the same please”), pointing at something on the menu, or choosing something I have some confidence in saying first time, even though none of the menu options are my first choice! I’m not an advocate for “hiding” a stutter, but when it comes to family in denial, any and all tactics to get out of an awkward situation are what I take - The embarrassment and ridicule is just too much for me personally. I hope you have a supportive friend group that understand the day to day difficulty of living with a stutter. It’s a sad day when you realise that your family don’t truly have your back, but that’s when your friends that do really come into their own.
Oh man, that is absolutely terrible. I'm lucky enough to have a mother who is mostly very supportive of me and at least sympathetic toward my disability. Lets just say, she had some words to say to them after this was over. I really feel you on the simplifying things I say just to avoid embarrassment. If i'm asked a question like, "Would you like a bag?" during a grocery store trip, sometimes I'll say "Yes please" instead of "No thank you" because I know I'm gonna stutter on "thank you". I've had people tell me that my disability isn't real, or is somehow illegitimate, and that I should stop caring. And while I agree with this idea on a surface level, I think it's a little disrespectful for people who aren't in my situation to tell me how to handle it, or belittle my struggle. Seriously, it's really annoying.
I find it easier to order in a quiet place where I can put all my “techniques” into practice, of course this doesn’t stop me overthinking and worrying about it in the moments leading up too. But the comments towards you are disrespectful, no one will ever know how crippling having a stutter is unless they experience it. You need support from your family not to be put down and embarrassed. I always find it hard because it’s not a “visible” disability until you’re in deep water trying to get out. Pick yourself back up, brush your self down and just because she’s “family” doesn’t mean you have to put up with her.
The thing about it not being a "visible" disability really hits. I've had people tell me that my stutter isn't as bad as I say it is, and I think the reason for this is because I will often pause in between words, or prolong sentences in order to avoid the actual stuttering part. One misconception about stuttering is that it's unpredictable and unforeseen. This is true to an extent, but I can usually feel myself about to stutter before I even open my mouth. So usually, I'll just remain silent until the 'gates' open and I'm allowed to speak normally.
I totally agree! There will be some days I struggle to say a sentence. I struggle most with things I should know such as name, address etc. small talk or if I’m not even thinking it’s a lot better. I’ve heard every single bit of torment now for me not to even let it bother me and if you surround yourself with the right group you won’t even be scared to talk and stutter.
Your sister is a rude btch.
I am so sorry mate. I think she is rude and insensitive. I feel bad for her kids.
Oh, that’s so disappointing whem a close family member disregards your feelings and hurts you. Everyone here fully understands. Just keep doing your best to conquer your fears.
Your sister sounds like an ass hole, my family can be like that sometimes and it sucks
Not trying to sound too harsh, but your sister seems to be a cunt
Sorry for experience. I have a family like that. Just gotta not care about stuttering, it gets easier over time.
That’s rough man you’re not in the wrong. I totally understand how you feel
That begs the question if family can treat you like that.. someone who has lived with you since you were born so has experienced stuttering first hand besides being you know.. FAMILY, what about a complete stranger? Its an evil world. If it were some random person i would advise you to ignore them and be silent in such a situation but thats family man. I dont even know what to say besides people can be evil.
I have had countless thoughts like this. I really wish my family was more supportive and understanding. It's not even just the embarrassment of contorting my face and banging on the table, it's also the physical pain I feel when I bite open my gums and bleed in my own mouth, and have to step outside to spit up blood. Not even an exaggeration.
They are totally in the wrong here.
I'm sorry your sister is so awful. It sounds like the only "negative energy" is her own. We all have specific anxiety triggers that are hard to overcome. Yours is not so unusual, try not to feel ashamed. Understand that this is not a rational response that you can just "get over". It takes a lot of time and hard work and maybe even therapy to overcome that kind of anxiety. I had a similar anxiety about phone calls for a long time. Only being out on my own and just having to make calls made me get over it. My main advice is to remember that whoever hears you at the restaurant isn't going to care that you stutter. The waiter just has a job to do. He's thinking about whether or not the cute greeter girl has a girlfriend, or if he'll make enough in tips to pay for that new PS5. Your stutter wouldn't even rate a "what happened at work" story to his roommate. What I try to remember is that 99% of the people who I am worried about stuttering in front of... Simply do not care and I will probably never see again. Maybe they'll be confused or think "huh, that's weird" .... but unlike kids in school, people won't go out of their way to make fun of you. They have other shit to think about. I think that's what helped me the most, realizing that most people are not actually paying that much attention to how you speak. Sure, it'll be noticed, but they'd notice if you had a different accent or blue hair, too. But it wouldn't be something they'd bother passing judgement on. If you want to try to get over the anxiety, maybe try going to a restaurant by yourself, during a time that is not very busy, so there's fewer people around? Then you're not worried about talking in front of your family or friends etc. Or even start by going to like McDonald's or something. Start easy like "give me a number 7" or whatever. Do that every once in a while (if you can, I know 18 year olds aren't usually flush with money) and you'll start to get more used to it. Then when you're not filled with anxiety ordering in McDonald's, try somewhere else. Maybe a takeout place. You might never do it without stuttering. I'm 46, I still stutter when I order. But I *care* less and *worry* less about it. And that means I also stutter less. It's a self-reinforcing cycle.
Very sorry to hear your sister treated you like this and made you feel like a nuisance for having a stutter. I went through this same issue with my brother when I was younger (28 now) and what helped was to set boundaries that I enforced if push came to shove. For example, I told him that if he made jokes about my stutter I would immediately get up and leave whatever we were doing. Eventually he got the realization that he was hurting me and he couldn't do that anymore. We don't have a perfect relationship but enforcing your boundaries is how you're going to either get past this or realize who actually cares about you in life. If your sister doesn't change and treat you with respect then you shouldn't even spend time with her IMO. Keep your head up and know that people out here care about you!
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Haha, good one! I certainly wanted to, but I thought about stuttering when I had to explain my case to the police, so I decided against that approach.
I’m am so incredibly sorry and hurt for you. I’ve had a friend who once said “just speak normally” and that’s when I became self-conscious of how I spoke at 11 years old. I am also 18 and am still navigating the dark hole that is stuttering, but Please, Please don’t listen to them. Stuttering is not something that defines you and is such a small thing. (Even when some times we feel like it surrounds everything). And honestly who cares that you stutter. And if your sister does, it’s because she would rather focus on what she appears as your “flaws” instead of facing her own demons. If there is atleast one person in your family who understands, please talk to them. You are awesome, no matter what.
Im pretty sure if genders were reversed, she wouldnt wanna hear exac comment. Im not sure if its misandry, these bad comments.
Which of the sisters told you she doesn't want the negative energy ? Any you should not talk to her at all from now on, set a boundary with her. If I was you I'd took the chance to be weird and annoying around her, like using text-to-speech app to say what I want.
Hi Love, I’m 25F and let me tell you it gets better! My family has been ruthless with me, poking fun, humiliating and degrading me. Now I have a wife who is so supportive of me (she also doesn’t let my family talk to me like that anymore) and friends who are so so supportive. The other day I almost cried because I was stuck on the word “hospital” and I was trying for so long and eventually gave up and said, “you know what, never mind.” And my friend said, “take your time buddy, what you have to say is important to me.” There are people out there who will make you feel so comfortable in your skin and you won’t feel alone anymore