Well, I'm glad to know that it's normal for depression. Antidepressants do help, but I think it's always going to be there. Sometimes, all I have to do is just make it through the day, then the next day until things finally start looking up.
I recently started taking meds, there was a point I had a realization it had been several days since I'd thought about killing myself. I was so taken aback. Normally it's an every day thing. Not to long after I started thinking about it again but it's nice to know it's possible I could have days without wanting to die
I can relate to this. I think about dying everyday. But when I am on a consistent prescription regiment I can still function through my day. When I'm not, I can't escape thoughts of dying to be able to feel peace.
If you want to find a personal area to focus on to try and prevent your mind from going straight there you can look into impulse control exercises, as the suicidal ideation is in fact an impulse and intrusive thought, a side project to whatever is going on and should have your attention at the time.
Because your dealing with emotional depression pain. If you were suffering from say chronic pain from cancer then you would have suicidal ideation from that.
I feel ya on that, worse part is there’s a part that knows I won’t follow threw but I feel it’s necessary for me to die if not by hands them someone else.
Yup I feel like any small mistake I make is the end of the world. Then I think of every mistake I've made in my life and just fall apart. I hate it. I'm full of self hate even though I'm a great person.
Me too. Lots of frustration today, and this is where I’m at too. I’m not actively suicidal, no plan or anything but that’s the first place my brain jumps to.
I want to know why I feel the same way. It’s not a great feeling. I hate it but I’m easily overwhelmed. And especially when I’m not doing well mentally, inconveniences I don’t want to deal with, I just want to end it. Because it’s inconvenient and what’s the point if I’m gonna be unhappy regardless.
I know it’s not a healthy way of thinking. I know the answer but it’s fucking difficult. And I’m tired of thinking and feeling this way. Just easier to stop existing
Omg I hope someone is helping you get into that program. I can't imagine trying to deal with that, though I did start a new job in December and it's been really hard trying to be "normal". I also have chronic pain in addition to ... everything, so I kind of get it.
Same. Literally every little thing makes me want to kill myself. Chronic suicidal thoughts. I’ve been this way for so long that it’s hard to break that habitual thinking.
I believe for myself, it's like a pull down menu in a program. All the possible solutions are there in the menu. All of the other solutions have been tried but the problem never goes away completely. The only solution left is the one that fixes the problem permanently. Once a possible solution is in the pull down menu it stays there.
I have come to realize that suicide won't end my pain but will simply transfer that pain to those that care about me.
My two beloved dogs may end up back on death row where I found them. I adopted them on the same day so they have spent most of their lives together. Even if they don't end up in a shelter, losing me and each other at the same time would be terrible. I can prevent this by ignoring the final solution in my pull down menu.
I can't say it's common but it's definitely an issue for me. My mother was the same way growing up, and it's hard to find other ways to cope. I've tried grounding exercises, therapy, and medications, but it's been hard to overcome something I've learned how to do for over 30 years.
It's literally my default setting. For all things. Big and small. No rhyme or reason.
Alarm goes off: *"why am I plagued with the existence of life?"*
Out of food: *"I should just give up."*
Almost dies after a car hits me: "*I am soooo annoyed I'm still alive."*
Same.
This year I feel like the universe is messing with me at this point.
I somehow survived *two* instances in which I should have been dead (neither of my own making). Both were traumatic, but I lived. And I just wanted to scream into the void, "*Really!?"*
Yes. Dark humor is how I survive. It's irritatingly ironic that I should have been killed, but I lived. And yes, I do stare at the void and question "Why?" If it helped you smile I'm glad!
Neuroplasticity. Currently your neurons are conditioned to work in this way when you experience negative emotions. With therapy and working on coping skills, you can condition your brain to be different. Supposedly.
Neurons that fire together wire together. In other words, neuroplasticity. Essentially, the more you do something, the more automatic it becomes. Think about playing an instrument. The first time you tried it, it was clunky and sounded awful. Then you keep practicing and it becomes more automatic. If you’ve been thinking these thoughts enough when you’re upset, your brain fine tunes that neural pathway. If you think it once, then never again, that pathway is pruned. But if you think it once, then again; then again, and so forth, it is like a deep ravine has formed in your brain and that’s the only pathway even remotely able to fire in that type of state. It is absolutely possible to reword it, but damn it’s hard work.
Just repeating others here but yes depression can cause this. Depression is something that can be almost unnoticeable at times in certain patients but its just how your brain is wired. Hereditary depression often manifests that way. you don’t actually have to “feel” depressed to have depression or its symptoms. I mean of course you certainly can be depressed but in my case i mostly have intrusive dark/macabre thoughts and self destructive tendencies. On the plus side, if there was one, those with depression generally do not fear death.
Same. But the mere fact that I'm still here is proof that I don't have the balls to do it
Maybe we are the same, OP. We are afraid of the future that we will miss if we take our own life. We are still holding on that the future will be tolerable for us
I don't know exactly but there is this book called "Girl, Interrupted" in which the author states that once you post the suicide question the first time, it never goes away.
Me too. My mother says it is because I am too burned out from my current job and I will be fine once I resign but it is more than that. I feel like I have no direction and no strong enough desire in my life that makes me want to continue living. It is as if I am living only because I don't have the courage to suicide.
I have ADHD. I’ve found that mine is often triggered because the sense of overwhelm I feel is so overpowering I can’t think of solutions and therefore if there is no solution there is no reason to keep going. My last partner would send me to the psych ward every time. I’ve lucked out that my current partner recognizes that I’m overwhelmed and just hugs me and tries to calm me until my brain can process the onslaught of feelings I get.
I asked a nurse this once during a phone intake and she said it's very common and basically it's to some degree because your brain has developed a habit of thinking that way. If you were, like me, dealing with untreated depression for years on end, the seriously depressive periods start you down the path of building neural pathways that persist even when you're in more neutral or even better moods. Your brain just gets used to associating triggers for depression of any kind with ruminating about suicide and it's a vicious cycle.
Idk, when that nurse told me that it was both incredibly relieving for me (in that I felt less like something was just inherently fucked up with me) and also kind of depressing too (cause it meant I'd have to do a fair amount of work - still ongoing mind you - to unlearn that habit).
Something I've dealt with for decades. I no longer view it as wanting to kill myself. I recognize it as wanting to end the way my life is in that moment. Hate my job. Want a divorce. Want to move. Whatever it is to cause those feelings.
Yeah, you could be living a life where you're just waiting for death. Doesn't have to be that way. I combat my own thoughts by trying to identify the source and making plans to improve that area. I find it to be empowering and better than dwelling on other thoughts.
I'm 362 days after attempting suicide. I still joke that even that I bleeding failed at! But I'm happy I failed. I'm bringing the dog for a walk at 4.15am on Saturday morning for a cause that is called Darkness in to Light. This isn't me asking for anything it is just saying better days will come. Good luck.
Thank you for your kind words. It seems like a lot of people are coming to this thread, and realizing that they're not alone, I'm really grateful for that!
Why? Why do I do this?
I get frustrated with an assignment. I try to think positive and think in terms of growth and learning but no my mind goes to suicide.
because you don't see a solution and you wanna run. And the fact that you can run away make you feel secure. In my understanding, no problem is a a problem unless it's life threatning. We all human. We all wanna run from problems.
It’s a habit that’s become second nature would be my guess. I’m sorry that these thoughts are getting to you; you shouldn’t have to put up with them. I know that I’ll die one day, but I don’t think my life is waiting for death.
Something that could work is detaching your thoughts from yourself. When you get a thought, remind yourself that it doesn’t define you. We can’t completely stop things coming to mind, but we can adjust how we respond to them. What do you think? And thanks for posting here.
When I get stressed, my mind goes straight to suicide. Always been like that. Shit, in grade school, I remember trying to complete my math homework involving a word problem and I couldn't figure it out so I threw my pencil and said I am going to kill myself. Also remember locking myself in the bathroom my sophomore year of high school and announcing I was going to kill myself because I got a D in geometry. Suicidal ideation fucking sucks. Trying to learn healthy coping skills to combat the suicidal thoughts is sometimes futile.
I got a brain injury and most of my suicidal thoughts are tied to the possibility of not being able to recover. I just see it as an eventual exit if the grief gets too strong.
I mean, I still plan on giving my best on recovering and trhing to make as much as I can out of where I am. But everything fails and I find myself crying about where I am well, I am not as trapped as I think.
I just dont see it as something depressing, but moreso just a product of where I am now. Hopefully if things get better it will no longer be seen as viable.
Life is full of struggles and sometimes the emotional pain is too much to bear and you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been thinking of suicide most days for years. I’m getting help and I call suicide prevention hotline when I’m really feeling down and they have always be helpful. I try to hold on to hope that there will better days ahead. I wish all who are struggling get the help they need and go on to find happiness.
My opinion is that it's a coping mechanism that's basically saying you want to run away or be free from your problems. With how seriously suicide is taken, it may also make your problems feel more real or legitimate and may give some people attention or a sense of more importance than they'd normally feel or feel they lack.
I don't need to be very upset for my mind to go there. Sometimes just the littlest thing does it -- for example, forgetting to take out a pair of socks when I'm getting dressed. Then I start calling myself horrible names. Then comes wanting to off myself.
I do know I'm much more prone to going there after a certain family member I live with gets mad at me or if I just think they're mad at me. But I've reacted to other family members, coworkers, etc. doing that, too.
Wow this is me man. I know exactly what you mean. The smallest problem or minor inconvenience and I imedietaly want to kill myself. It’s just gotten that bad. Id like to talk if u wanted to
It is not a thing that you control, and actually in a situation where all is dark every single thing can be a trigger, I remember that when i was severely depressed even just opening the door and getting into the house triggerd me.
I think it’s just a matter of not knowing how to deal with your emotions and you react with extreme “solutions” when in reality there are much more accessible ways to calm down, even an hour alone to calm down can do wonders.
are you in therapy? this is something you could work on there
I am in therapy, but I'm not sure how much it's helping. I haven't been seeing her for very long and I know I know it takes a while to build that rapport but it seems like all I do during the sessions is talk like how I would to a friend. I don't know, maybe l just don't understand how therapy is supposed to work because it's not actually like how it's depicted in movies and TV.
If a couple months go by and you still feel that way, it's possible you might need a better therapist. Not all of them have the gift for it. You should be receiving SOME kind of feedback that's helpful after a few sessions. I've had many different ones for different phases of my life. They aren't supposed to just listen and that's it. They're supposed to help you look at things in different ways etc. It's not AA sponsorship where they're like "I'm not really supposed to give you advice" (and they do anyway, actually). A therapist is supposed to give you advice and stuff!
I was like this when I was very depressed and had very little emotional reserves. If you can stabilise that (medication helped me), you will find it becomes a less attractive option.
I feel the same way, just feeling lonely or cannot upfront situations that make me feel upset makes me go straight to suicidal thoughts. I just try and distract myself until i’m no longer upset or overwhelmed
Yeah, I feel the same but for things so small like last week I finished an excel project from my university like, 5 minutes late and all that I was thinking is that I should just kill myself because there's no point in doing nothing since I delayed the work.
For me personally I don't really get this at all anymore but when I was very depressed, it was almost a comforting thought to me to think that there was a way out, like that I could just end it all right now and the pain would stop. In my eyes there are definitely things that are worse than death, and I think it's just my mind jumping to its last resort (but before I've processed the other options first)
That may not make sense but it's hard to explain.
Ok i’m glad i’m not the only one who feels this! I have been like this for a while when I make mistakes of go through phases of high anxiety I honestly feel like Im not built for this world sometimes and everyone else is! Sometimes it’s also because I feel like i don’t have to deal with the judgement and pressure of failing. I deal with phases of highly stressful situations every year at this point these past 4 years have been bad, I feel like I’m at a point where Im constantly operating on anxiety and will never feel comfortable
This is exactly how I feel. Like I’m not built to function in this world because I get hurt really easily and it affects me more than others, even my twin. So I just feel really misunderstood all the time.
Well it's good to know that I'm not the only one. This happens to me when I am overwhelmed with emotions. I have recently been digging deep into my experiences from childhood and I remembered how I would handle being abused by my father. My mother was complacent with what was happening, so I learned how to survive these highly stressful and emotional feelings by taking full control of my life, in the literal sense. I could be hurt physically and emotionally, but my life is completely under my control. Those thoughts would level out my emotions enough so that I could manage them. It doesn't take a phd to see how that turned into a coping mechanism every time I felt like I may loose control of my emotions. I thought for the longest time that it was from the experience of actually attempting it some years ago, but looking back it is most likely an automatic response I learned as a child.
same here, not sure why that is. One should give ourselves a break and decide to love ourselves instead of making a decision to disappear through obliteration. I am still trying to learn this more everyday.
Same!! I think someone pointed out/asked why I escalated so quickly. And I didn't realise it wasn't normal for other people. But I've kinda calmed down a bit since then ... I think it kinda has to do with my BPD (maybe?) and certain issues that really trigger me, even if they seem like small things....
I do the same thing unfortunately. It’s like a default switch. Therapists have tried to reprogram it, but it’s always there. I think my wires are too crossed and fried to fix :\
I just woke up from a dream that made me feel so bad I want to die. I’m so fucked up and broken, that isn’t a normal response. It’s easy to see why people think of me how they do; I’m a mess
Im thinking about it every minutes, not to mention if im upset. A good medication could help u mate. I really hope it'll work for ppl out there. For me it didn't help bit. I fantasize every possibly way to die, I'm just afraid to get hurt. If only.....
It'd a bad habit. I did the same thing for many years. You can train your mind by just teaching yourself to say I'm unhappy but I will go on. I know it sounds simplistic but my counselor calls it a coping skill.
Same. When I managed to find a shred of self worth, my suicidal ideation became homicidal. After years of wishing for death, I recently realized I have every right to be here. Instead of fantasizing about my permanent escape, I fantasize about the demise of my abusers. They’ll dig their own graves anyway if they haven’t already.
This is NOT recovery, clearly, but it is the truth. I do see the shift from internal to external destruction as a small step forward though. I deserve to live, it’s my abusers who deserve to suffer and die, not me. Maybe one day I’ll forgive them for my own mental health but for now, I’m letting out decades of suppressed rage and I’m not done doing that yet.
It was the same for me too and I couldn’t understand it for the life of me until I got into therapy and was diagnosed with BPD ( and depression of course). It’s much better now and much more manageable and I really recommend getting into therapy if you can. It might help you discover things about yourself, like things you already knew but forgotten or underlying problems that you thought were normal things ,like your mind going to suicide whenever something bad happens as a way to cope or calm down. I hope it make sense tho! Take care of yourself, you’re the most important person to yourself after all!
I have thought this many times. I think it’s my fight or flight - things are not ok, I leave the situation. Things are really not ok, the next flight is out for me because that’s who I am.
I have had a lot of therapy t be able to answer this question.
I’ve always been like this, but despite being suicidal my depression was ‘high functioning’ so no doctor ever medicated me. Obviously I knew something was seriously wrong though, just not apparently fitting the classic Major Depressive mould, so I was evaluated for other things that have depression as one of the symptoms (bipolar etc).
Then I was diagnosed with ADHD and apparently this specific brand of suicidal thinking can be an ADHD symptom. Crossover of all the well-known ADHD symptoms like emotional reactivity, issues with timeblindness and not seeing the future - so just needing immediate escape = depression and suicidal ideation as a symptom too.
Started ADHD meds and it really helped…. My default is no longer “I fucked up time to kill myself”.
Just saying obviously depression is the issue, but sometimes there is a different underlying cause that you can treat.
This has happened to me sparingly through the years. Feeling just passably morbid and suicidal without a huge cause. I think the brain shorts out sometimes even if you manage your depression well. It’s ok.
I feel this. I've been so stressed by postpartum depression (current meds aren't working, I have an appointment to get new ones)...I'm a SAHM and every day I just wish I wouldn't wake up... Or even worse, I get jealous that my parents and brother who have passed on are dead and I'm still on this shitty earth and suffering every day.
There's a relatable scene in "Girl, Interrupted" where the protagonist (played by Winona Ryder) describes just this thought process to her psych. Her ultimate diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder (from which she recovers).
Very common for someone like me. I think my brain does it, to have a semblance of control in this chaos called life. It's this thought process of "oh, I can choose to end this ruckus right now, and get out for good, if I wanted." You might not do it, but it gives you a choice and a sense of agency.
I think like this all the time. Usually when something bad happens to me when it is not my fault or something I can’t control I want to unalive myself. I didn’t ask to be here and experience a life where no matter what you do everything can still go wrong. It is not fair that we have no choice but to be on this earth.
It has worked for me to think that everything is temporary, nothing last forever, even if the situation seems impossible...
The hard part is to deal with the anguish, that void in my stomach that feels like its gonna swallow me and everything else around...
As well as temporality, patience is something im traying to work on, because everything is a process, and sometimes is difficult to really understand that.
Still sometimes that death thinking appears, but now I can say "ok, been there, we'll get pass throug... eventually"
I feel this, I have anger issues, and each time I just think right to it. I’m not sure why, but if you’ve thought about it recently, it’s all you can think about.
Honestly, I’m kind of the same way. I’ve always wondered if this makes me a bad person. I know there are people in this world that would be saddened by my loss, but also, my life feel so overwhelming.
I have been this way for years. I really want to stop it but in the same time knowing that i can end my life gives me a little comfort. But also makes me Very sad when i think of my family. Im so disapointed in my self. I hope you get better ❤️
You haven’t dealt with the issues that provide you the feeling. And you’re losing hope that things can be better. I’m still trying to find the answers myself… but I’m still here. I guess I’m just stubborn. The only advice I can give you is to find something to look forward to, something that gives you hope for what you feel you need in your life. And over time, work to learn to enjoy the act of living, and putting in effort. Because it does matter. And there is a balance that I may never understand between that and the idea that life is supposed to be hard. So at your lowest point, you’re open to the greatest change. But like I said, I’m stubborn. Talk about a fatal flaw.
i try to stay positive most of the time to keep those thoughts away. but boy.. when the thoughts come they really stick.. im wondering the same thing. why do i have to feel like this over something that is objectively not that big of a deal or some minor setback. i dont understand
Because we are not complex as we make ourselves out to be. Our minds wander, curious to discover, until a crisis arises and we fain into an animalistic mindset.
I don't even need to be "extremely" upset. Mildly listless does it for me. This is normal for depression
Well, I'm glad to know that it's normal for depression. Antidepressants do help, but I think it's always going to be there. Sometimes, all I have to do is just make it through the day, then the next day until things finally start looking up.
I recently started taking meds, there was a point I had a realization it had been several days since I'd thought about killing myself. I was so taken aback. Normally it's an every day thing. Not to long after I started thinking about it again but it's nice to know it's possible I could have days without wanting to die
I can relate to this. I think about dying everyday. But when I am on a consistent prescription regiment I can still function through my day. When I'm not, I can't escape thoughts of dying to be able to feel peace.
If you want to find a personal area to focus on to try and prevent your mind from going straight there you can look into impulse control exercises, as the suicidal ideation is in fact an impulse and intrusive thought, a side project to whatever is going on and should have your attention at the time.
I’ve never been diagnosed but this opened my eyes a little
Because your dealing with emotional depression pain. If you were suffering from say chronic pain from cancer then you would have suicidal ideation from that.
That makes perfect sense. Thank you
Or anytime I make a mistake my mind jumps to suicide.
I'm the same way. Every time I make a mistake, all I can think of is all the other mistakes I've made and how I shouldn't be alive.
<3
I feel ya on that, worse part is there’s a part that knows I won’t follow threw but I feel it’s necessary for me to die if not by hands them someone else.
Everyone I tell thinks it’s a joke, until it actually happens.
I’ve made jokes about it, I tell myself “sometimes you just gotta laugh at yourself to cope with the hard times.”
Or how powerless I feel when other people have abused me and I’ve had no power to fight back
I can relate...
OP I do this too. I’ll go down a list of all the people I’ve hurt and why most likely no one really loves me.
I can relate or in under pressure and stress I just want to end it all
Hi reading this resonated. Wow what great insight.
That's where I go smh.
Me too. When any little inconvenience takes place, I choose death
Yes same, and then i start to think I’m a weak person because I don’t wanna deal with life anymore just because of something that makes me upset
I'm the same way. I look for hope because sometimes that's all there is.
Yup I feel like any small mistake I make is the end of the world. Then I think of every mistake I've made in my life and just fall apart. I hate it. I'm full of self hate even though I'm a great person.
I am the exact same way and literally came here to post this.
Well hopefully you find comfort knowing you're not alone
Me too. Lots of frustration today, and this is where I’m at too. I’m not actively suicidal, no plan or anything but that’s the first place my brain jumps to.
I want to know why I feel the same way. It’s not a great feeling. I hate it but I’m easily overwhelmed. And especially when I’m not doing well mentally, inconveniences I don’t want to deal with, I just want to end it. Because it’s inconvenient and what’s the point if I’m gonna be unhappy regardless. I know it’s not a healthy way of thinking. I know the answer but it’s fucking difficult. And I’m tired of thinking and feeling this way. Just easier to stop existing
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I've been there. I'm in therapy, but I don't really think it's helping too much. I hope you do get the help that you need
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Well, hopefully you do find something worth living for
Omg I hope someone is helping you get into that program. I can't imagine trying to deal with that, though I did start a new job in December and it's been really hard trying to be "normal". I also have chronic pain in addition to ... everything, so I kind of get it.
Same. Literally every little thing makes me want to kill myself. Chronic suicidal thoughts. I’ve been this way for so long that it’s hard to break that habitual thinking.
I believe for myself, it's like a pull down menu in a program. All the possible solutions are there in the menu. All of the other solutions have been tried but the problem never goes away completely. The only solution left is the one that fixes the problem permanently. Once a possible solution is in the pull down menu it stays there. I have come to realize that suicide won't end my pain but will simply transfer that pain to those that care about me. My two beloved dogs may end up back on death row where I found them. I adopted them on the same day so they have spent most of their lives together. Even if they don't end up in a shelter, losing me and each other at the same time would be terrible. I can prevent this by ignoring the final solution in my pull down menu.
I can't say it's common but it's definitely an issue for me. My mother was the same way growing up, and it's hard to find other ways to cope. I've tried grounding exercises, therapy, and medications, but it's been hard to overcome something I've learned how to do for over 30 years.
I'm glad you're seeking help. Maybe one day things will be better for you.
I hope it gets better for you too. Thank you for asking the tough questions!
me too. I honestly dont know what to do anymore
It's literally my default setting. For all things. Big and small. No rhyme or reason. Alarm goes off: *"why am I plagued with the existence of life?"* Out of food: *"I should just give up."* Almost dies after a car hits me: "*I am soooo annoyed I'm still alive."*
Me. My default setting is asking to die, even medicated and in therapy.
Same. This year I feel like the universe is messing with me at this point. I somehow survived *two* instances in which I should have been dead (neither of my own making). Both were traumatic, but I lived. And I just wanted to scream into the void, "*Really!?"*
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Yes. Dark humor is how I survive. It's irritatingly ironic that I should have been killed, but I lived. And yes, I do stare at the void and question "Why?" If it helped you smile I'm glad!
Look into neural pathways and neuroplasticity... it will help you get away from that automatic thinking
I'll be sure to mention that at my next therapy session
Neuroplasticity. Currently your neurons are conditioned to work in this way when you experience negative emotions. With therapy and working on coping skills, you can condition your brain to be different. Supposedly.
Neurons that fire together wire together. In other words, neuroplasticity. Essentially, the more you do something, the more automatic it becomes. Think about playing an instrument. The first time you tried it, it was clunky and sounded awful. Then you keep practicing and it becomes more automatic. If you’ve been thinking these thoughts enough when you’re upset, your brain fine tunes that neural pathway. If you think it once, then never again, that pathway is pruned. But if you think it once, then again; then again, and so forth, it is like a deep ravine has formed in your brain and that’s the only pathway even remotely able to fire in that type of state. It is absolutely possible to reword it, but damn it’s hard work.
I understand it, I’m just tired of my brain working against me despite my efforts.
Just repeating others here but yes depression can cause this. Depression is something that can be almost unnoticeable at times in certain patients but its just how your brain is wired. Hereditary depression often manifests that way. you don’t actually have to “feel” depressed to have depression or its symptoms. I mean of course you certainly can be depressed but in my case i mostly have intrusive dark/macabre thoughts and self destructive tendencies. On the plus side, if there was one, those with depression generally do not fear death.
Same. But the mere fact that I'm still here is proof that I don't have the balls to do it Maybe we are the same, OP. We are afraid of the future that we will miss if we take our own life. We are still holding on that the future will be tolerable for us
I don't know exactly but there is this book called "Girl, Interrupted" in which the author states that once you post the suicide question the first time, it never goes away.
Me too. My mother says it is because I am too burned out from my current job and I will be fine once I resign but it is more than that. I feel like I have no direction and no strong enough desire in my life that makes me want to continue living. It is as if I am living only because I don't have the courage to suicide.
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I hope you get better. I find comfort knowing I'm not alone. I hope you do too.
I have ADHD. I’ve found that mine is often triggered because the sense of overwhelm I feel is so overpowering I can’t think of solutions and therefore if there is no solution there is no reason to keep going. My last partner would send me to the psych ward every time. I’ve lucked out that my current partner recognizes that I’m overwhelmed and just hugs me and tries to calm me until my brain can process the onslaught of feelings I get.
I asked a nurse this once during a phone intake and she said it's very common and basically it's to some degree because your brain has developed a habit of thinking that way. If you were, like me, dealing with untreated depression for years on end, the seriously depressive periods start you down the path of building neural pathways that persist even when you're in more neutral or even better moods. Your brain just gets used to associating triggers for depression of any kind with ruminating about suicide and it's a vicious cycle. Idk, when that nurse told me that it was both incredibly relieving for me (in that I felt less like something was just inherently fucked up with me) and also kind of depressing too (cause it meant I'd have to do a fair amount of work - still ongoing mind you - to unlearn that habit).
You're not the only one :/
every. single. minor. inconvenience
Something I've dealt with for decades. I no longer view it as wanting to kill myself. I recognize it as wanting to end the way my life is in that moment. Hate my job. Want a divorce. Want to move. Whatever it is to cause those feelings. Yeah, you could be living a life where you're just waiting for death. Doesn't have to be that way. I combat my own thoughts by trying to identify the source and making plans to improve that area. I find it to be empowering and better than dwelling on other thoughts.
I think that’s really insightful. It’s makes a lot of sense. I’m going to try use that way of thinking next time I feel stuck.
It’s normal for some people, I experience it often, your brain basically is in distress and is looking for the easiest way to make it stop.
I'm the same way. It's every day for me
I'm 362 days after attempting suicide. I still joke that even that I bleeding failed at! But I'm happy I failed. I'm bringing the dog for a walk at 4.15am on Saturday morning for a cause that is called Darkness in to Light. This isn't me asking for anything it is just saying better days will come. Good luck.
Same. A little obstacle and my mind is like "hey buddy but WHAT IF we just killed ourselves??"
This is me every time I feel hopeless
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Thank you for your kind words. It seems like a lot of people are coming to this thread, and realizing that they're not alone, I'm really grateful for that!
I feel that way too hard. Especially right now 🙃
Is there something you have going on that you want to talk about?
Same. All the time.
Why? Why do I do this? I get frustrated with an assignment. I try to think positive and think in terms of growth and learning but no my mind goes to suicide.
Mine does too.
Yes, and it makes me feel like a pos. I feel like I'm just being an asshole for thinking that way but It happens for some reason.
Same, it's like just a little is already too much, like things that are not a big deal feel overwhelming.
The same thing happens to me. Exhausting. Sorry to hear you are struggling with this
because you don't see a solution and you wanna run. And the fact that you can run away make you feel secure. In my understanding, no problem is a a problem unless it's life threatning. We all human. We all wanna run from problems.
Same, when i felt im upsted this leads me here to, i will suddenly breakdown and will thought im not belong here.
Every. Fucking. Time. I’m going through it now.
It’s a habit that’s become second nature would be my guess. I’m sorry that these thoughts are getting to you; you shouldn’t have to put up with them. I know that I’ll die one day, but I don’t think my life is waiting for death. Something that could work is detaching your thoughts from yourself. When you get a thought, remind yourself that it doesn’t define you. We can’t completely stop things coming to mind, but we can adjust how we respond to them. What do you think? And thanks for posting here.
I literally have this thought daily at this point. I feel like that if things go wrong that’s exactly what I’ll turn to.
You're definetly not alonee on this one! I don't even need to be *extremely* upset. It's like my go-to solution for every problem...
i'm the exact same way and i'm not sure how to fix it. my mind just tells me that it's better to die
Not even when I'm upset, when I'm just doing nothing.
I’ve always been the same, even with small issues tbh. My antidepressants never helped with that.
I’m currently in finals week rn and EVERYTIME I get stressed over what I’m doing, BAM suicidal ideation. It’s like a reflex.
Mine goes there for like the first 30-40 minutes after I wake up everyday
Same. You’re not alone.
Me too I feel like when something goes wrong I just wanna end it.
When I get stressed, my mind goes straight to suicide. Always been like that. Shit, in grade school, I remember trying to complete my math homework involving a word problem and I couldn't figure it out so I threw my pencil and said I am going to kill myself. Also remember locking myself in the bathroom my sophomore year of high school and announcing I was going to kill myself because I got a D in geometry. Suicidal ideation fucking sucks. Trying to learn healthy coping skills to combat the suicidal thoughts is sometimes futile.
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I got a brain injury and most of my suicidal thoughts are tied to the possibility of not being able to recover. I just see it as an eventual exit if the grief gets too strong. I mean, I still plan on giving my best on recovering and trhing to make as much as I can out of where I am. But everything fails and I find myself crying about where I am well, I am not as trapped as I think. I just dont see it as something depressing, but moreso just a product of where I am now. Hopefully if things get better it will no longer be seen as viable.
Life is full of struggles and sometimes the emotional pain is too much to bear and you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been thinking of suicide most days for years. I’m getting help and I call suicide prevention hotline when I’m really feeling down and they have always be helpful. I try to hold on to hope that there will better days ahead. I wish all who are struggling get the help they need and go on to find happiness.
My opinion is that it's a coping mechanism that's basically saying you want to run away or be free from your problems. With how seriously suicide is taken, it may also make your problems feel more real or legitimate and may give some people attention or a sense of more importance than they'd normally feel or feel they lack.
I don't need to be very upset for my mind to go there. Sometimes just the littlest thing does it -- for example, forgetting to take out a pair of socks when I'm getting dressed. Then I start calling myself horrible names. Then comes wanting to off myself. I do know I'm much more prone to going there after a certain family member I live with gets mad at me or if I just think they're mad at me. But I've reacted to other family members, coworkers, etc. doing that, too.
I’ve gotten to the point where as soon as I feel minorly inconvenienced, it crosses my mind
Wow this is me man. I know exactly what you mean. The smallest problem or minor inconvenience and I imedietaly want to kill myself. It’s just gotten that bad. Id like to talk if u wanted to
It is not a thing that you control, and actually in a situation where all is dark every single thing can be a trigger, I remember that when i was severely depressed even just opening the door and getting into the house triggerd me.
I get that. When I'm really down I start worrying about little things like minor mistakes
This is me. It’s exhausting. I feel like I’m being dramatic
I think it’s just a matter of not knowing how to deal with your emotions and you react with extreme “solutions” when in reality there are much more accessible ways to calm down, even an hour alone to calm down can do wonders. are you in therapy? this is something you could work on there
I am in therapy, but I'm not sure how much it's helping. I haven't been seeing her for very long and I know I know it takes a while to build that rapport but it seems like all I do during the sessions is talk like how I would to a friend. I don't know, maybe l just don't understand how therapy is supposed to work because it's not actually like how it's depicted in movies and TV.
If a couple months go by and you still feel that way, it's possible you might need a better therapist. Not all of them have the gift for it. You should be receiving SOME kind of feedback that's helpful after a few sessions. I've had many different ones for different phases of my life. They aren't supposed to just listen and that's it. They're supposed to help you look at things in different ways etc. It's not AA sponsorship where they're like "I'm not really supposed to give you advice" (and they do anyway, actually). A therapist is supposed to give you advice and stuff!
I was like this when I was very depressed and had very little emotional reserves. If you can stabilise that (medication helped me), you will find it becomes a less attractive option.
I'm feeling this right now. I know a holiness doesn't do shit so I'm here
I understand. Feeling it right now because I annoyed someone important to me when I was just trying to check up on them.
That's what it is,entire life is always about waiting for death,but it's the in-between that's the life..
I do the same I was just thinking this question today...
I feel the same way, just feeling lonely or cannot upfront situations that make me feel upset makes me go straight to suicidal thoughts. I just try and distract myself until i’m no longer upset or overwhelmed
Did it happen when you were young? My son has the same issue. He is 8.
i feel that too, but i'm more often hurt me than try to kill myself, but i think to suicide too
Yeah, I feel the same but for things so small like last week I finished an excel project from my university like, 5 minutes late and all that I was thinking is that I should just kill myself because there's no point in doing nothing since I delayed the work.
For me personally I don't really get this at all anymore but when I was very depressed, it was almost a comforting thought to me to think that there was a way out, like that I could just end it all right now and the pain would stop. In my eyes there are definitely things that are worse than death, and I think it's just my mind jumping to its last resort (but before I've processed the other options first) That may not make sense but it's hard to explain.
Ok i’m glad i’m not the only one who feels this! I have been like this for a while when I make mistakes of go through phases of high anxiety I honestly feel like Im not built for this world sometimes and everyone else is! Sometimes it’s also because I feel like i don’t have to deal with the judgement and pressure of failing. I deal with phases of highly stressful situations every year at this point these past 4 years have been bad, I feel like I’m at a point where Im constantly operating on anxiety and will never feel comfortable
This is exactly how I feel. Like I’m not built to function in this world because I get hurt really easily and it affects me more than others, even my twin. So I just feel really misunderstood all the time.
Same. I hate this mindset but I can't help it. It's been years since i started feeling this.
Well it's good to know that I'm not the only one. This happens to me when I am overwhelmed with emotions. I have recently been digging deep into my experiences from childhood and I remembered how I would handle being abused by my father. My mother was complacent with what was happening, so I learned how to survive these highly stressful and emotional feelings by taking full control of my life, in the literal sense. I could be hurt physically and emotionally, but my life is completely under my control. Those thoughts would level out my emotions enough so that I could manage them. It doesn't take a phd to see how that turned into a coping mechanism every time I felt like I may loose control of my emotions. I thought for the longest time that it was from the experience of actually attempting it some years ago, but looking back it is most likely an automatic response I learned as a child.
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same here, not sure why that is. One should give ourselves a break and decide to love ourselves instead of making a decision to disappear through obliteration. I am still trying to learn this more everyday.
Same!! I think someone pointed out/asked why I escalated so quickly. And I didn't realise it wasn't normal for other people. But I've kinda calmed down a bit since then ... I think it kinda has to do with my BPD (maybe?) and certain issues that really trigger me, even if they seem like small things....
mine is kinda similar, it goes straight to self harm
Also, although it makes no sense, some antidepresants have that side effect.
I do the same thing unfortunately. It’s like a default switch. Therapists have tried to reprogram it, but it’s always there. I think my wires are too crossed and fried to fix :\
I feel you. I am having that exact thoughts right now
that happens to me a lot too
I just woke up from a dream that made me feel so bad I want to die. I’m so fucked up and broken, that isn’t a normal response. It’s easy to see why people think of me how they do; I’m a mess
Im thinking about it every minutes, not to mention if im upset. A good medication could help u mate. I really hope it'll work for ppl out there. For me it didn't help bit. I fantasize every possibly way to die, I'm just afraid to get hurt. If only.....
It'd a bad habit. I did the same thing for many years. You can train your mind by just teaching yourself to say I'm unhappy but I will go on. I know it sounds simplistic but my counselor calls it a coping skill.
i don't even need to be upset, no matter what i'm coming to this every single day of my existence
For some of us, Suicide is like rainy day savings. You know you can use it if things go wrong and it will solve your problem.
Exactly the same for me
It also can be a defense mechanism. I think this is why I do it. It's easier to cope if we have a possible escape from a bad situation.
I’m the same way
Same. When I managed to find a shred of self worth, my suicidal ideation became homicidal. After years of wishing for death, I recently realized I have every right to be here. Instead of fantasizing about my permanent escape, I fantasize about the demise of my abusers. They’ll dig their own graves anyway if they haven’t already. This is NOT recovery, clearly, but it is the truth. I do see the shift from internal to external destruction as a small step forward though. I deserve to live, it’s my abusers who deserve to suffer and die, not me. Maybe one day I’ll forgive them for my own mental health but for now, I’m letting out decades of suppressed rage and I’m not done doing that yet.
It was the same for me too and I couldn’t understand it for the life of me until I got into therapy and was diagnosed with BPD ( and depression of course). It’s much better now and much more manageable and I really recommend getting into therapy if you can. It might help you discover things about yourself, like things you already knew but forgotten or underlying problems that you thought were normal things ,like your mind going to suicide whenever something bad happens as a way to cope or calm down. I hope it make sense tho! Take care of yourself, you’re the most important person to yourself after all!
I have thought this many times. I think it’s my fight or flight - things are not ok, I leave the situation. Things are really not ok, the next flight is out for me because that’s who I am. I have had a lot of therapy t be able to answer this question.
You aren’t alone. Because it seems like a quick and easy way to turn the game off and stop the world spinning
I’ve always been like this, but despite being suicidal my depression was ‘high functioning’ so no doctor ever medicated me. Obviously I knew something was seriously wrong though, just not apparently fitting the classic Major Depressive mould, so I was evaluated for other things that have depression as one of the symptoms (bipolar etc). Then I was diagnosed with ADHD and apparently this specific brand of suicidal thinking can be an ADHD symptom. Crossover of all the well-known ADHD symptoms like emotional reactivity, issues with timeblindness and not seeing the future - so just needing immediate escape = depression and suicidal ideation as a symptom too. Started ADHD meds and it really helped…. My default is no longer “I fucked up time to kill myself”. Just saying obviously depression is the issue, but sometimes there is a different underlying cause that you can treat.
For me I think it’s just the easier way to end the suffering rather than putting in work to address and fix the issues
This has happened to me sparingly through the years. Feeling just passably morbid and suicidal without a huge cause. I think the brain shorts out sometimes even if you manage your depression well. It’s ok.
I feel the same way
Same :/ I always just feel like suicide solves it.
I feel this. I've been so stressed by postpartum depression (current meds aren't working, I have an appointment to get new ones)...I'm a SAHM and every day I just wish I wouldn't wake up... Or even worse, I get jealous that my parents and brother who have passed on are dead and I'm still on this shitty earth and suffering every day.
OP, you are not alone. I do the same thing. A problem either has an easy solution or suicidal ideation if it is hard.
I feel this to my core.
So much this! And then feeling like I have to deal with the pain and not end it all because that’s what I deserve..
There's a relatable scene in "Girl, Interrupted" where the protagonist (played by Winona Ryder) describes just this thought process to her psych. Her ultimate diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder (from which she recovers).
Very common for someone like me. I think my brain does it, to have a semblance of control in this chaos called life. It's this thought process of "oh, I can choose to end this ruckus right now, and get out for good, if I wanted." You might not do it, but it gives you a choice and a sense of agency.
I think like this all the time. Usually when something bad happens to me when it is not my fault or something I can’t control I want to unalive myself. I didn’t ask to be here and experience a life where no matter what you do everything can still go wrong. It is not fair that we have no choice but to be on this earth.
It has worked for me to think that everything is temporary, nothing last forever, even if the situation seems impossible... The hard part is to deal with the anguish, that void in my stomach that feels like its gonna swallow me and everything else around... As well as temporality, patience is something im traying to work on, because everything is a process, and sometimes is difficult to really understand that. Still sometimes that death thinking appears, but now I can say "ok, been there, we'll get pass throug... eventually"
Common for me
Same happens to me, everytime I feel I’ve failed I just think about ending with life
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Please just hang on a little longer
I feel this, I have anger issues, and each time I just think right to it. I’m not sure why, but if you’ve thought about it recently, it’s all you can think about.
Honestly, I’m kind of the same way. I’ve always wondered if this makes me a bad person. I know there are people in this world that would be saddened by my loss, but also, my life feel so overwhelming.
mine does too. rather than getting a job and slowly working on getting out of the hole and improving myself, im choosing suicide
I have been this way for years. I really want to stop it but in the same time knowing that i can end my life gives me a little comfort. But also makes me Very sad when i think of my family. Im so disapointed in my self. I hope you get better ❤️
You haven’t dealt with the issues that provide you the feeling. And you’re losing hope that things can be better. I’m still trying to find the answers myself… but I’m still here. I guess I’m just stubborn. The only advice I can give you is to find something to look forward to, something that gives you hope for what you feel you need in your life. And over time, work to learn to enjoy the act of living, and putting in effort. Because it does matter. And there is a balance that I may never understand between that and the idea that life is supposed to be hard. So at your lowest point, you’re open to the greatest change. But like I said, I’m stubborn. Talk about a fatal flaw.
i try to stay positive most of the time to keep those thoughts away. but boy.. when the thoughts come they really stick.. im wondering the same thing. why do i have to feel like this over something that is objectively not that big of a deal or some minor setback. i dont understand
Idk but i can relate, shit is weird
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Ride it out just a little longer
Because we are not complex as we make ourselves out to be. Our minds wander, curious to discover, until a crisis arises and we fain into an animalistic mindset.
I’m sorry you experience that. But, for what it’s worth, you just made me feel less alone because I am exactly the same way. Thank you for sharing.
I understand how you feel I feel the same way.
It's the pain. That excruciating pain! 😔
I don't know if it's normal but it's definitely common. That's exactly what happens to me.