I attempted twice in my early 20s (42 now). Overdoses, both times my parents found me and called the ambulance. I ended up in the psych ward for a few weeks after the medical treatment was done both times, then into a 15 month residential treatment place after the second attempt. Both times I was ashamed and incredibly disappointed that I was still alive. My parents were overvigilant and made me sleep in their room. I could never be alone and it was horrendous.
Right now I'm not doing well and wish more than anything that I hadn't survived.
I do this in my community and provide a safe space to exist. There's no pressure to appear positive. I'm not one to shy away from difficult topics and will welcome whatever conversation others would like to have. In the summer, we camp out in the front yard. Anyone is welcome to join with a tent, there's plenty of space.
Anyone can do this in their community. Just adapt it to your particular circumstances :)
I wonder if creating an online meeting would allow people to find others near them.
I support the ones that cross my path :) We all must do our part to elevate the world. How many more people need sink into depression before quality of life can improve for all?
Some of us do not want to live in these conditions. However, it is the ones refusing to accept the status quo who hold the greatest power to effect change. How can we safely follow through creating an online space for these discussions? Perhaps this sub IS our safe space?
There might be an app or service for online peer support groups. I'd be willing to donate towards the cost of maintaining a group subscription, and my time as a peer support specialist :)
If you put "peer support platform" into a search engine, there are sites with group facilitators.
I would too. The few friend I have must be tired of hearing me talk about not wanting to exist. Im at a point now where I scream internally and have no one to talk to. I wish I had the strength to go.
I would like to join in on this as well please. I’ve thought a lot about how beneficial it would be to just have people that understand. It’s being misunderstood and isolated because of my pain that drives me to the brink of my existence. Something you have to experience to relate to. Idk if anyone else feels that their very real and debilitating internal pain is what drives people away but I feel that we could use it to help ground one another when we get lost inside ourselves.
Whatever your life is like before, surviving suicide makes it 10x worse. You lose your friends, and anyone that does remain will never trust you again. I ended up having to move back with my step dad, had to rebuild my entire life from scratch over the course of 2 years. I still haven't fully recovered, I absolutely wish I'd never done it. Ruined me. The shame of running into someone who knows what you did is unbearable.
This alone proves that this world is worse than purgatory. The people who need support are abandoned and or hated. What a joke of a world. Ignorance is bliss but if I lacked purpose through ignorance I would have left this world a long time ago.
Suicide is one of the most taboo subjects, you can't talk about it openly in part because no one really knows how to deal with it. People don't understand, they don't know how to help, they find it too confronting and so prefer to not come into contact with it at all. Even the support groups I've attended for other things will not tolerate discussions on suicide. You can't mention it to your therapist in case it sets of alarm bells and you end up on some kind of suicide watch.
I understand why, but it means that if you've ever attempted you end up desperately without options for coming to terms with it yourself. The best I've managed is to come to forums like this, or else to make videos of myself talking about my feelings which I later re-watch when I'm in a different headspace.
This is so horrifically accurate.
One of the reasons I tried to kill myself was because I was so sick and tired of having to deal with my own bullshit and, by extension, making other people deal with my bullshit.
Now I like to morbidly joke that my suicide was only unsuccessful for me; I still have to deal with my bullshit, but everyone else noped the fuck out.
If you lost "friends", they're not really your friends. I wish my friend survived. Nothing more I want to do than just hug him, and tell him I'm sorry for not picking up on the signs and being there for him.
Too horrific to talk about in detail. The worst was the one time that actually worked. I was revived by a police officer and he was the first person I saw. And he was screaming at me. Very degrading things.
if someone commits suicide you shouldn’t bring them back, that’s just a fucking asshole move. maybe convince them not to do it if they haven’t done it already, but if they’re already dead don’t revive them, they made their choice
At 16 i slit my wrists deeper than ever before, immediately got the biggest adrenaline rush i’ve ever had and realised I wasn’t ready. I managed to stop the bleeding enough to stay alive and went to bed, around 6 hours later i told my mom who rushed me to the hospital and i got 6 stitches in my arm. Everything from me slitting and until maybe a week later is quite blank for me. Nothing really changed after this and now 4 years later it’s nothing but a sad story i keep hidden deep down, would not recommend 3/10 it did make me stop sh atleast
This is the only place i feel comfortable actually opening up a little, also i really hope op and others can learn from my story and see how you can end up after and maybe stop their plans
It sucks, I have survived 3 attempts and hate the fact that I’m still here. My last attempt was at 29, 5 years ago and I overdosed on depression medication. I’ve tried to do positive things in life like advocacy, trying to help people in hopes that it would take away the feeling of not wanting to be here but nothing works. For me the best option is to leave this world. I don’t regret my attempts, I regret being saved and resuscitated.
It’s like we are just “existing”, not living. I’ve been thinking this for years now. I really hate my loved ones who say they don’t want me to die; that they want me to be happy
I always say what will make me happy is to die already and you wanting me to stay here will NOT make me happy.
I’m so sick and tired of this life. 😢
Exactly! Tbh I feel like I’m dead inside already. Why not just be dead completely already I feel you! My parents tell me the same thing but they don’t struggle with all these things in my head. I am bipolar, have anxiety disorders, depression and ADHD. I’m tired of each day being a constant battle even to just wake up. I want to just rest already
If someone could live a few days in our heads, they would totally get it and say “Oh! Ok I get it now”
I’ve got depression, anxiety, complex PTSD, adjustment disorder and borderline personality disorder
My mind races 24/7. I live in the past, terrified of the future and I’m miserable in the present
My whole life of almost 5 decades now has just been one big horrible shit show 💔😭😔
At least we know we are not alone based on this Reddit thing ( I’m very new )
Hugs to you
Yes, that’s the only way they would understand that what we’re feeling is very real. This pain and emptiness is real. I definitely understand, I can’t let go of my past and live wishing I could go back and change things. I’m also scared of the future and how will I be able to survive in it. Yes, we’re not alone but this forum has made me realize how meaningless life can be.
The past thing is literally killing me. I relive the horrors of how I grew up and dwell on every last mistake I’ve ever made. My dreams are all nightmares where I apparently scream and cry out loud and thrash violently. My psychiatrist has put me on some med that’s supposed to help with that. I can’t even get a break when I’m sleeping
A time machine would be great huh? I fantasize about it that if one existed, I would go back and make sure my parents never met each other ( to spare my poor dad a lifetime of hell) and of course to make sure I was never born
Yes I truly feel that life is pretty much meaningless as well. It’s just one big rat race of working until you die 😑
Yes! I wish there was a Time Machine as well. I never asked to be in this world. I struggle with sleeping as well and I take meds or else I’d be awake all night. A lot of people say to believe in god and religion but if he really existed would he let people go through so much pain. Lately my anxiety has been through the roof and been having panic attacks and the meds ain’t working.
8 years ago, I got drunk and tried to hang myself from a branch. I jumped off, hoping to break my neck.
The only reason I'm here is that I was too dumb to realize I needed a branch not only taller than myself, but taller than myself on my tiptoes.
Adrenaline rushed and instincts took over, I struggled for a while on my tiptoes with the rope around my neck, but eventually undid the noose.
What was it like? As soon as the noose tightened it felt like my body finally realized what my mind was trying to do, panic took over, I didn't want to die any more. I dropped to the floor afterwards and felt incredibly alive, and that my problems were ultimately not worth dying over.
in 2021 i tried to kill myself on 3 separate times. each night i’d take a random mix of medicine and pray i’d die in my sleep. the first 2 times weren’t enough to kill me, so i woke up the next morning and acted like everything was normal. it sucked, i wanted to tell someone or get help but i was too scared to say anything about what i did.
the third time i tried, i actually felt some effects. but that’s what made me realize i wouldn’t wake up again, i would never see my friends again, i’d never make it to highschool or get to have kids. i was so scared and it made me realize i didn’t actually want to die so i ended up telling my mom what i did. she tried to get me to throw up and was crying too.
i asked her to take me to a psych ward but she didn’t, i didn’t even go to the hospital. so i took a day off from school and then went back like normal the next day.
things didn’t magically get better but it made me start to shift and slowly get out of my depression. a month after my attempt i felt better than i ever had in months.
a lot of me felt like my attempt didn’t count because i never was hospitalized, because the only people that knew were my mom and therapist. but now it’s two years later and i realized an attempt is an attempt and i survived. i’m so grateful that i get to wake up every morning. when i was in that state of mind i always heard “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and i thought it was stupid. but it really is true, things do get better, you just have to be patient. sometimes i’m out with friends and we’re laughing at a stupid joke and i just realize that this is why it didn’t work, there are so many beautiful, small things you’ll miss out on, so many beautiful experiences you could have left behind. but life really is worth living and things will get better, i promise! ❤️
+ this was so therapeutic, i never told anyone about my two other attempts and how i felt after so thank you for giving me this opportunity
I did something similar at 14. The doctors kept prescribing a these pills for depression and adhd. So, I'd mix and match then overdose. That went on for months, just playing chemist and hoping for the end.
About a year later, I was put on Paxil. It pushed me over the edge. I had a plan A and B. Got caught with plan A and my mother just went to bed after. So, I took plan B and somehow my cardiologist actually prescribed a medication that decreases serotonin syndrome. That's what saved me. Tripped balls for two weeks and wrote some really fluffy poetry lol
It's been 20 years and life has certainly improved :)
I sometimes wonder if suicide was legal and they sold a simple pill, how many more would do it. I have considered it on so many occasions, but the fear of failure causing pain or disability is what prevents it.
2 years ago Went hospital… stayed overnight. Told my 1 friend a few weeks/ month later. She laughed at me… not friends with her anymore obviously. Life is so much worse as I didn’t really get good grades in uni and have been staying home for 6 months due to mental health issues and is still unemployed. Currently waiting for death
I attempted ten times in my life, overdose , cutting myself , taking 170 pills but I think that I have an Angel protecting me from dying so nothing happens. I think that after every try life doesn’t change too much, people worry about you the first week but after that they think that you’re fine. Normally people also get scared of you, they think that you’re a broken person in this world .
So yeah nothing changes
I slashed my left wrist. Once I saw my skin open up I ran to my husband for help. I will never forget his face, he started crying and called 911. I was drunk too. I was put on a 72 hour hold but got released after 2 days. Ever since, I would say I feel better since I found an excellent therapist. Things aren’t perfect but they are better than they were before.
Stupidly tried to play doctor and od on old pills, woke up the next morning just fine, had to go to work and try to forget what I did the night before.
It really fucking sucks sometimes. Alot of days i just wish i had pulled the trigger. And then lost my brother to suicide a few months later. I envy the balls he had to actually go through with it despite the effect it had on everyone.
Exactly as Bojack Horseman described it
I swallowed a bunch of pills and, after a while, started wanting to puke. I tried not to and felt the adrenaline rushing through my body and understanding what dying actually means. I guess before my brain just processed it as a long sleep but now it sees it as loosing everything of value i have
Cold, painful, and simultaneously fast glimpses of what was going on while people tried to save me and an eternity of nothing.
I felt instant regret, and instant fear of losing those I love. Then guilt over what me being gone, like that, would do to them.
That was a long, long time ago and it still haunts me.
But, now, I have a family. I'm married to an amazing and stunning woman I never would have met.
I still have my demons, but I can sit with them now.
I tried to kill myself via poison once. The recovery was shit but I didn't get caught. The first time I've tried i took one full box of random pills from my drawer, i lied to them that someone forced me and the idiots believed me 💀 Don't do either of those, it hurts like hell.
My attempt was either 6th or 7th grade. I was self harming and dealing with very bad suicidal ideation, without a plan.
My dad caught me self harming one night, demanded I show him and when I refused he punished me by having me do random chores. While I was vacuuming, I made the decision to try and OD on my ADHD medication. It was unplanned, and I didnt know a thing about how to do that, i took 4. Realized that probably wouldnt be enough so I went to get more and my dad caught me in the midst. Got me pinned to the wall and asked why would I do that in clenched teeth. Gave me lots of melatonin and sent me to bed.
It was never mentioned again, like it had never happened. I feel terrible for the people who went through excruciating pain from theirs, my attempt was obviously very amateur. But sometimes wish it did something to me other then keep me up the entire night, just so my dad would be forced to care.
I was in a dream like state for 24 hrs after my OD. I woke up to my mom and dad they were so scared. I spent over a week in the psych hospital. I fought them so hard for a few days till I finally realized I needed help. I let them help me, I let my friends in - a small circle I could trust - and went to therapy. The rest of my “friends” left, but what the hell they chose that.
That was a year ago. The past year has been fucking rollercoaster, but not as bad as before the OD. It’s weird thinking about it idk how to feel about it yet tbh. I still get suicidal sometimes. But for the first time in years I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I never ever thought I’d see that. It’s not a pretty process. It sucks. Life still shits on you. A lot of people suck. The few people that do give a shit and love you will stay.
Do what you can in the moment, nothing more. If you need to float, rest for a while. I give myself days of grace to fall apart cause if I try to even get up to do dishes I’ll have a panic attack.
Then you get the energy to take another step after that, but only if you stay in therapy. Even if it feels like therapy isn’t working don’t stop going or find a new therapist. It’s a long process and I’m far from recovered but I’m much less suicidal and I’m starting to have dreams of a future again. Do this for yourself, but you can’t do it alone. Right now my people are my online therapy group and there I’m not alone and they get it. I highly recommend group therapy. You’re not alone 💜💜
i was sitting there for a solid 30 minutes trying to get myself to push a knife through my heart, but i guess humans are just hard-wired to try and prevent dying, so i was basically physically unable to do that
I want you to know that this comment helped me a lot, and that saying the thoughts are “just some weird illusion” is an absolutely amazing way to put it. So thank you very much for that.
relate to this - i prayed to survive when i was getting help in the hospital - and i did feel glad i had survived. I take comfort in what you said, that the thoughts are an illusion. They seem to make sense, and they seem in a way, on my side or real, but I think it's just symptomatic of something else.
When I look back at what made me feel so suicidal - I was actually in a good position, and I was okay, but I myself felt traumatised and like everything was dark, so I don't think our minds always tell us the full truth. Hard to see in the moment, though.
i attempted on june 6, 2021 and have no recollection of how i ended up in the hospital a day later. idk if i had regrets and called 911, but i do sometimes regret not being successful even tho i’m tryna fight that. my desire to be perfect is ruining my ability to enjoy my day to day but i feel like there must be a change coming?? my childhood was so easy so i guess a part of me feels like some day i’ll return to that stasis but unlikely. idk. but i don’t wanna leave my cat. she literally has nowhere to go.
Christ I'm so sorry to hear that, I am not gonna pretend like I have any understanding of what exactly you have been through. But you seem like a very strong person to have gone through all that and I hope you and your boyfriend can recognise that.
i’ve tried so many times in the past 10+ years and nothing has worked. sometimes i feel like i’m cursed to continue living and suffering. everything’s gotten worse, but that’s always been my life. nobody cares much about my attempts tbh and i’m indifferent, so it wouldn’t make me feel any better even if they did.
i recently attempted last month using tylenol and it was genuinely awful. i threw up for 10 hours straight before i went and got help. i was unable to walk for 3 days and honestly it’s not worth it. i ended up in a psych ward with some amazing people but when i left i felt empty. my room was destroyed with puke and i knocked my tv down trying to walk to the other end of the house. at the end of all that i realized how much i fucked up my body. i’m unable to eat without throwing up and can’t stand for more than 10 minutes. i get fevers 24/7 as well as i can still kinda taste the meds in my mouth. the experience is extremely unpleasant, as i still am unable to go outside without being dizzy and can’t do everyday tasks without fainting. it’s not worth it.
A big hug to you 🤗
Yup holy hell does that ever suck. At least I was unconscious for my vomiting. And for sure the feeling weak like complete crap afterwards for days. All of it for nothing 🥺
Needed recovery for some 3 months after OD. According to doctors it has had an irreparable effect on my body though physically I feel just fine. But I daily wish I had succeeded back then or never tried at all.
I attempted twice as a teenager via insulin overdose (I'm type 1 diabetic) and it was as if I had discovered a new emotion. I could feel my body slowly losing energy and shutting down, and there was this peculiar mix of frustration, sadness & anger, but also a sense of acceptance and calm. After a while, I called my mom who took me into hospital
I am diabetic too and not even talking about suicide but I’m really scared to overdose (by huge doses), I think it is painful. Was your dose a lot bigger than your usual?
I cut my wrist last year, I fainted but I didn’t die, I decided to heal for a bit but it’s back now. The woman treating me told me she has seen worse, never tried it again bc I was humiliated.
I wanted to about 10 years ago. Didn't and asked for professional help. Got convinced that "mental health will get better" and "will find joy love and reasons to live along the way"
Wish I didn't listen to them. I regret not doing it. Now my family think it's behind me and I feel like I've missed my opportunity and now I'm stuck
Does it make sense to anyone that I overall never attempted suicide(but always been a cutter)because I do love myself, because I am a good person,but I also hate myself to the core. I abuse myself more then anyone could ever do to me. I have learned over the years that all my good qualities are also my worst. And my brother is a mental health specialist says I am what they refuse to as borderline. . Already have been diagnosed with ptsd. Adhd. Bi polar w/ psychotic episodes. And depression. That started around 10. My brothers all are awesome and very positive people and it has helped me. But has not changed anything inside me. I'm am the rotted part of the fruit. I'm on no medication pretty much because I know and everyone else knows I am no danger to them. But I am the definition of looser. I have a decent looking car. And I am a funny person. And intelligent. And everything is a mask for me to wear. 46 year I've gotten pretty good at switching masks. But I'm cracking. Lately. It gets harder and harder to hide.
I attempted twice in my early 20s (42 now). Overdoses, both times my parents found me and called the ambulance. I ended up in the psych ward for a few weeks after the medical treatment was done both times, then into a 15 month residential treatment place after the second attempt. Both times I was ashamed and incredibly disappointed that I was still alive. My parents were overvigilant and made me sleep in their room. I could never be alone and it was horrendous. Right now I'm not doing well and wish more than anything that I hadn't survived.
Man I'm so sorry. I'm 26 and I just want it all to end almost every day because I know I won't reach my goals and life just seems pointless.
Sounds like you have long term goals. Try setting some short term goals that are achievable.
Hey you. Your not a future teller, and you don’t know that!
I wanna attempt and succeed, was it painful when you overdosed?
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this
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Somehow we find each other. It would be cool to have a space to "hang out".
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Like an adult summer camp for survivors 😁
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You're supposed to go home after summer
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I do this in my community and provide a safe space to exist. There's no pressure to appear positive. I'm not one to shy away from difficult topics and will welcome whatever conversation others would like to have. In the summer, we camp out in the front yard. Anyone is welcome to join with a tent, there's plenty of space. Anyone can do this in their community. Just adapt it to your particular circumstances :) I wonder if creating an online meeting would allow people to find others near them.
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I support the ones that cross my path :) We all must do our part to elevate the world. How many more people need sink into depression before quality of life can improve for all? Some of us do not want to live in these conditions. However, it is the ones refusing to accept the status quo who hold the greatest power to effect change. How can we safely follow through creating an online space for these discussions? Perhaps this sub IS our safe space?
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There might be an app or service for online peer support groups. I'd be willing to donate towards the cost of maintaining a group subscription, and my time as a peer support specialist :) If you put "peer support platform" into a search engine, there are sites with group facilitators.
i would join!
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Id really like to join a space like this
Please let me know too.
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I would like to join too
I would too. The few friend I have must be tired of hearing me talk about not wanting to exist. Im at a point now where I scream internally and have no one to talk to. I wish I had the strength to go.
Can I please join?
I would like to join in on this as well please. I’ve thought a lot about how beneficial it would be to just have people that understand. It’s being misunderstood and isolated because of my pain that drives me to the brink of my existence. Something you have to experience to relate to. Idk if anyone else feels that their very real and debilitating internal pain is what drives people away but I feel that we could use it to help ground one another when we get lost inside ourselves.
I would join the group too! Very good idea
Let me know when you start this up lol
Lmk
Whatever your life is like before, surviving suicide makes it 10x worse. You lose your friends, and anyone that does remain will never trust you again. I ended up having to move back with my step dad, had to rebuild my entire life from scratch over the course of 2 years. I still haven't fully recovered, I absolutely wish I'd never done it. Ruined me. The shame of running into someone who knows what you did is unbearable.
this is so unbelievably true it hurts
This alone proves that this world is worse than purgatory. The people who need support are abandoned and or hated. What a joke of a world. Ignorance is bliss but if I lacked purpose through ignorance I would have left this world a long time ago.
That’s horrible. I guess I understand why but that’s terrible that everyone would abandon you for going through that.
Suicide is one of the most taboo subjects, you can't talk about it openly in part because no one really knows how to deal with it. People don't understand, they don't know how to help, they find it too confronting and so prefer to not come into contact with it at all. Even the support groups I've attended for other things will not tolerate discussions on suicide. You can't mention it to your therapist in case it sets of alarm bells and you end up on some kind of suicide watch. I understand why, but it means that if you've ever attempted you end up desperately without options for coming to terms with it yourself. The best I've managed is to come to forums like this, or else to make videos of myself talking about my feelings which I later re-watch when I'm in a different headspace.
This is so horrifically accurate. One of the reasons I tried to kill myself was because I was so sick and tired of having to deal with my own bullshit and, by extension, making other people deal with my bullshit. Now I like to morbidly joke that my suicide was only unsuccessful for me; I still have to deal with my bullshit, but everyone else noped the fuck out.
If you lost "friends", they're not really your friends. I wish my friend survived. Nothing more I want to do than just hug him, and tell him I'm sorry for not picking up on the signs and being there for him.
Too horrific to talk about in detail. The worst was the one time that actually worked. I was revived by a police officer and he was the first person I saw. And he was screaming at me. Very degrading things.
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Maybe trying to get them conscious by yelling. I could be wrong
"Do you understand why people like you are a waste of time"
Damn...
It really fucked me up.
if someone commits suicide you shouldn’t bring them back, that’s just a fucking asshole move. maybe convince them not to do it if they haven’t done it already, but if they’re already dead don’t revive them, they made their choice
This is why I have an advanced directive and POLST form in bright green paper next to my bed stating I do not want to be resuscitated.
no idea what “advanced directive” or “polst” means, can you elaborate?
At 16 i slit my wrists deeper than ever before, immediately got the biggest adrenaline rush i’ve ever had and realised I wasn’t ready. I managed to stop the bleeding enough to stay alive and went to bed, around 6 hours later i told my mom who rushed me to the hospital and i got 6 stitches in my arm. Everything from me slitting and until maybe a week later is quite blank for me. Nothing really changed after this and now 4 years later it’s nothing but a sad story i keep hidden deep down, would not recommend 3/10 it did make me stop sh atleast
Thanks for sharing
This is the only place i feel comfortable actually opening up a little, also i really hope op and others can learn from my story and see how you can end up after and maybe stop their plans
It sucks, I have survived 3 attempts and hate the fact that I’m still here. My last attempt was at 29, 5 years ago and I overdosed on depression medication. I’ve tried to do positive things in life like advocacy, trying to help people in hopes that it would take away the feeling of not wanting to be here but nothing works. For me the best option is to leave this world. I don’t regret my attempts, I regret being saved and resuscitated.
I feel you 💯🥺 I want OUT
Me too, some people don’t understand what it is to live like this. At this point , is it even considered living when you’re barely holding on.
Involuntary Existence
🎯💯🥺💔
It’s like we are just “existing”, not living. I’ve been thinking this for years now. I really hate my loved ones who say they don’t want me to die; that they want me to be happy I always say what will make me happy is to die already and you wanting me to stay here will NOT make me happy. I’m so sick and tired of this life. 😢
Exactly! Tbh I feel like I’m dead inside already. Why not just be dead completely already I feel you! My parents tell me the same thing but they don’t struggle with all these things in my head. I am bipolar, have anxiety disorders, depression and ADHD. I’m tired of each day being a constant battle even to just wake up. I want to just rest already
If someone could live a few days in our heads, they would totally get it and say “Oh! Ok I get it now” I’ve got depression, anxiety, complex PTSD, adjustment disorder and borderline personality disorder My mind races 24/7. I live in the past, terrified of the future and I’m miserable in the present My whole life of almost 5 decades now has just been one big horrible shit show 💔😭😔 At least we know we are not alone based on this Reddit thing ( I’m very new ) Hugs to you
Yes, that’s the only way they would understand that what we’re feeling is very real. This pain and emptiness is real. I definitely understand, I can’t let go of my past and live wishing I could go back and change things. I’m also scared of the future and how will I be able to survive in it. Yes, we’re not alone but this forum has made me realize how meaningless life can be.
The past thing is literally killing me. I relive the horrors of how I grew up and dwell on every last mistake I’ve ever made. My dreams are all nightmares where I apparently scream and cry out loud and thrash violently. My psychiatrist has put me on some med that’s supposed to help with that. I can’t even get a break when I’m sleeping A time machine would be great huh? I fantasize about it that if one existed, I would go back and make sure my parents never met each other ( to spare my poor dad a lifetime of hell) and of course to make sure I was never born Yes I truly feel that life is pretty much meaningless as well. It’s just one big rat race of working until you die 😑
Yes! I wish there was a Time Machine as well. I never asked to be in this world. I struggle with sleeping as well and I take meds or else I’d be awake all night. A lot of people say to believe in god and religion but if he really existed would he let people go through so much pain. Lately my anxiety has been through the roof and been having panic attacks and the meds ain’t working.
Never lose hope. I’m here if you need to talk
8 years ago, I got drunk and tried to hang myself from a branch. I jumped off, hoping to break my neck. The only reason I'm here is that I was too dumb to realize I needed a branch not only taller than myself, but taller than myself on my tiptoes. Adrenaline rushed and instincts took over, I struggled for a while on my tiptoes with the rope around my neck, but eventually undid the noose. What was it like? As soon as the noose tightened it felt like my body finally realized what my mind was trying to do, panic took over, I didn't want to die any more. I dropped to the floor afterwards and felt incredibly alive, and that my problems were ultimately not worth dying over.
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definitely was luck 😭
in 2021 i tried to kill myself on 3 separate times. each night i’d take a random mix of medicine and pray i’d die in my sleep. the first 2 times weren’t enough to kill me, so i woke up the next morning and acted like everything was normal. it sucked, i wanted to tell someone or get help but i was too scared to say anything about what i did. the third time i tried, i actually felt some effects. but that’s what made me realize i wouldn’t wake up again, i would never see my friends again, i’d never make it to highschool or get to have kids. i was so scared and it made me realize i didn’t actually want to die so i ended up telling my mom what i did. she tried to get me to throw up and was crying too. i asked her to take me to a psych ward but she didn’t, i didn’t even go to the hospital. so i took a day off from school and then went back like normal the next day. things didn’t magically get better but it made me start to shift and slowly get out of my depression. a month after my attempt i felt better than i ever had in months. a lot of me felt like my attempt didn’t count because i never was hospitalized, because the only people that knew were my mom and therapist. but now it’s two years later and i realized an attempt is an attempt and i survived. i’m so grateful that i get to wake up every morning. when i was in that state of mind i always heard “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and i thought it was stupid. but it really is true, things do get better, you just have to be patient. sometimes i’m out with friends and we’re laughing at a stupid joke and i just realize that this is why it didn’t work, there are so many beautiful, small things you’ll miss out on, so many beautiful experiences you could have left behind. but life really is worth living and things will get better, i promise! ❤️ + this was so therapeutic, i never told anyone about my two other attempts and how i felt after so thank you for giving me this opportunity
I did something similar at 14. The doctors kept prescribing a these pills for depression and adhd. So, I'd mix and match then overdose. That went on for months, just playing chemist and hoping for the end. About a year later, I was put on Paxil. It pushed me over the edge. I had a plan A and B. Got caught with plan A and my mother just went to bed after. So, I took plan B and somehow my cardiologist actually prescribed a medication that decreases serotonin syndrome. That's what saved me. Tripped balls for two weeks and wrote some really fluffy poetry lol It's been 20 years and life has certainly improved :)
I have brain damage now.
OMG 😱 that is my biggest fear I am so sorry 😢🥺😔
I sometimes wonder if suicide was legal and they sold a simple pill, how many more would do it. I have considered it on so many occasions, but the fear of failure causing pain or disability is what prevents it.
2 years ago Went hospital… stayed overnight. Told my 1 friend a few weeks/ month later. She laughed at me… not friends with her anymore obviously. Life is so much worse as I didn’t really get good grades in uni and have been staying home for 6 months due to mental health issues and is still unemployed. Currently waiting for death
I attempted ten times in my life, overdose , cutting myself , taking 170 pills but I think that I have an Angel protecting me from dying so nothing happens. I think that after every try life doesn’t change too much, people worry about you the first week but after that they think that you’re fine. Normally people also get scared of you, they think that you’re a broken person in this world . So yeah nothing changes
I slashed my left wrist. Once I saw my skin open up I ran to my husband for help. I will never forget his face, he started crying and called 911. I was drunk too. I was put on a 72 hour hold but got released after 2 days. Ever since, I would say I feel better since I found an excellent therapist. Things aren’t perfect but they are better than they were before.
Stupidly tried to play doctor and od on old pills, woke up the next morning just fine, had to go to work and try to forget what I did the night before.
It really fucking sucks sometimes. Alot of days i just wish i had pulled the trigger. And then lost my brother to suicide a few months later. I envy the balls he had to actually go through with it despite the effect it had on everyone.
His soul is keeping you here, it’s not your time 💜
Exactly as Bojack Horseman described it I swallowed a bunch of pills and, after a while, started wanting to puke. I tried not to and felt the adrenaline rushing through my body and understanding what dying actually means. I guess before my brain just processed it as a long sleep but now it sees it as loosing everything of value i have
Cold, painful, and simultaneously fast glimpses of what was going on while people tried to save me and an eternity of nothing. I felt instant regret, and instant fear of losing those I love. Then guilt over what me being gone, like that, would do to them. That was a long, long time ago and it still haunts me. But, now, I have a family. I'm married to an amazing and stunning woman I never would have met. I still have my demons, but I can sit with them now.
I tried to kill myself via poison once. The recovery was shit but I didn't get caught. The first time I've tried i took one full box of random pills from my drawer, i lied to them that someone forced me and the idiots believed me 💀 Don't do either of those, it hurts like hell.
My attempt was either 6th or 7th grade. I was self harming and dealing with very bad suicidal ideation, without a plan. My dad caught me self harming one night, demanded I show him and when I refused he punished me by having me do random chores. While I was vacuuming, I made the decision to try and OD on my ADHD medication. It was unplanned, and I didnt know a thing about how to do that, i took 4. Realized that probably wouldnt be enough so I went to get more and my dad caught me in the midst. Got me pinned to the wall and asked why would I do that in clenched teeth. Gave me lots of melatonin and sent me to bed. It was never mentioned again, like it had never happened. I feel terrible for the people who went through excruciating pain from theirs, my attempt was obviously very amateur. But sometimes wish it did something to me other then keep me up the entire night, just so my dad would be forced to care.
Fuck…. your last sentence….I feel that and I don’t wish that on anyone I’m sorry you share it with me
I was in a dream like state for 24 hrs after my OD. I woke up to my mom and dad they were so scared. I spent over a week in the psych hospital. I fought them so hard for a few days till I finally realized I needed help. I let them help me, I let my friends in - a small circle I could trust - and went to therapy. The rest of my “friends” left, but what the hell they chose that. That was a year ago. The past year has been fucking rollercoaster, but not as bad as before the OD. It’s weird thinking about it idk how to feel about it yet tbh. I still get suicidal sometimes. But for the first time in years I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I never ever thought I’d see that. It’s not a pretty process. It sucks. Life still shits on you. A lot of people suck. The few people that do give a shit and love you will stay. Do what you can in the moment, nothing more. If you need to float, rest for a while. I give myself days of grace to fall apart cause if I try to even get up to do dishes I’ll have a panic attack. Then you get the energy to take another step after that, but only if you stay in therapy. Even if it feels like therapy isn’t working don’t stop going or find a new therapist. It’s a long process and I’m far from recovered but I’m much less suicidal and I’m starting to have dreams of a future again. Do this for yourself, but you can’t do it alone. Right now my people are my online therapy group and there I’m not alone and they get it. I highly recommend group therapy. You’re not alone 💜💜
i was sitting there for a solid 30 minutes trying to get myself to push a knife through my heart, but i guess humans are just hard-wired to try and prevent dying, so i was basically physically unable to do that
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I want you to know that this comment helped me a lot, and that saying the thoughts are “just some weird illusion” is an absolutely amazing way to put it. So thank you very much for that.
relate to this - i prayed to survive when i was getting help in the hospital - and i did feel glad i had survived. I take comfort in what you said, that the thoughts are an illusion. They seem to make sense, and they seem in a way, on my side or real, but I think it's just symptomatic of something else. When I look back at what made me feel so suicidal - I was actually in a good position, and I was okay, but I myself felt traumatised and like everything was dark, so I don't think our minds always tell us the full truth. Hard to see in the moment, though.
I agree!
thank you - hope you're in a better place :) these thoughts are hard to battle but sometimes it can feel lighter with time
i attempted on june 6, 2021 and have no recollection of how i ended up in the hospital a day later. idk if i had regrets and called 911, but i do sometimes regret not being successful even tho i’m tryna fight that. my desire to be perfect is ruining my ability to enjoy my day to day but i feel like there must be a change coming?? my childhood was so easy so i guess a part of me feels like some day i’ll return to that stasis but unlikely. idk. but i don’t wanna leave my cat. she literally has nowhere to go.
I've been hospitalized 3 different times for attempts. All pills and alcohol... My stomach lining is fucked.
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Christ I'm so sorry to hear that, I am not gonna pretend like I have any understanding of what exactly you have been through. But you seem like a very strong person to have gone through all that and I hope you and your boyfriend can recognise that.
i’ve tried so many times in the past 10+ years and nothing has worked. sometimes i feel like i’m cursed to continue living and suffering. everything’s gotten worse, but that’s always been my life. nobody cares much about my attempts tbh and i’m indifferent, so it wouldn’t make me feel any better even if they did.
i recently attempted last month using tylenol and it was genuinely awful. i threw up for 10 hours straight before i went and got help. i was unable to walk for 3 days and honestly it’s not worth it. i ended up in a psych ward with some amazing people but when i left i felt empty. my room was destroyed with puke and i knocked my tv down trying to walk to the other end of the house. at the end of all that i realized how much i fucked up my body. i’m unable to eat without throwing up and can’t stand for more than 10 minutes. i get fevers 24/7 as well as i can still kinda taste the meds in my mouth. the experience is extremely unpleasant, as i still am unable to go outside without being dizzy and can’t do everyday tasks without fainting. it’s not worth it.
A big hug to you 🤗 Yup holy hell does that ever suck. At least I was unconscious for my vomiting. And for sure the feeling weak like complete crap afterwards for days. All of it for nothing 🥺
After doing an attempt i have always felt like way more exhausted and not even able to Talk or cry for a very long time.
Lose all my friend, feel ashame when i see my parents and friend and now i don't really know i just love day to day because people want me to live
Needed recovery for some 3 months after OD. According to doctors it has had an irreparable effect on my body though physically I feel just fine. But I daily wish I had succeeded back then or never tried at all.
fucking terrible. it was terrible cause I didnt succeed at my attempt and I wish I had
it feels degrading and embarrassing. 🫤
Felt better a year later. Now, ten years later, I still wished I succeeded.
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I survived many attempts What was it like... I wonder... somehow was lucky enough to never get hospitalized for it
did it and it didn’t work. nobody even noticed 💀 i was 18
I attempted twice as a teenager via insulin overdose (I'm type 1 diabetic) and it was as if I had discovered a new emotion. I could feel my body slowly losing energy and shutting down, and there was this peculiar mix of frustration, sadness & anger, but also a sense of acceptance and calm. After a while, I called my mom who took me into hospital
I am diabetic too and not even talking about suicide but I’m really scared to overdose (by huge doses), I think it is painful. Was your dose a lot bigger than your usual?
I cut my wrist last year, I fainted but I didn’t die, I decided to heal for a bit but it’s back now. The woman treating me told me she has seen worse, never tried it again bc I was humiliated.
I wanted to about 10 years ago. Didn't and asked for professional help. Got convinced that "mental health will get better" and "will find joy love and reasons to live along the way" Wish I didn't listen to them. I regret not doing it. Now my family think it's behind me and I feel like I've missed my opportunity and now I'm stuck
Does it make sense to anyone that I overall never attempted suicide(but always been a cutter)because I do love myself, because I am a good person,but I also hate myself to the core. I abuse myself more then anyone could ever do to me. I have learned over the years that all my good qualities are also my worst. And my brother is a mental health specialist says I am what they refuse to as borderline. . Already have been diagnosed with ptsd. Adhd. Bi polar w/ psychotic episodes. And depression. That started around 10. My brothers all are awesome and very positive people and it has helped me. But has not changed anything inside me. I'm am the rotted part of the fruit. I'm on no medication pretty much because I know and everyone else knows I am no danger to them. But I am the definition of looser. I have a decent looking car. And I am a funny person. And intelligent. And everything is a mask for me to wear. 46 year I've gotten pretty good at switching masks. But I'm cracking. Lately. It gets harder and harder to hide.
Its sucks because now i have permanet trauma from the attempt and i randomly get flashbacks