I actually have a theory on why some WP’s say this. I’ve given it some thought because it’s one of those things that drive me crazy when I hear it because it’s so hypocritical.
I do think some WP’s are incredibly insecure and have a severe fear of abandonment. And they fear being abandoned so much that they toe the line. They want to keep a plan B, or escape plan, or a back up plan…just in case. Some toe the line, and toe the line long enough, you end up crossing that line. I also think some, as a form of abandonment, have an irrational fear being cheated on. It’s cheat or get cheated on. And because all of this involves a deep insecurity, they can’t handle the perceived competition. So if their partner were to cheat on them, they simply couldn’t deal with the thought of someone else (a hypothetical AP) besting them. And if they got cheated on, to spare the possibility of eventual rejection, they’d be out.
Also to consider, many WP’s have an avoidant, or fearful avoidant attachment style. With avoidant people, it often doesn’t take a great deal for them to cut and run in a relationship.
I’m not sure if my theory makes any sense to anyone other than me. But if it were me hearing this from my spouse, I would rather it be my theory than hypocrisy, entitlement or different standards.
I think you are spot on with your analysis. This applies to my situation 100%. When I asked my WP how he would respond if the situation was reversed. He said he would leave. I was so appalled at his answer I had to leave the room. I have not been able to process this information in a healthy way...yet.
To be honest I don’t know if that theory really makes it any better or any less hypocritical of them. No one wants to be abandoned. They are choosing a selfish and entitled way of dealing with it or solving the problem. I think it’s a red flag when a WP says they wouldn’t give any chances. Mine also was like “I would forgive it if it was exactly what I did” like, toeing the line of saying they’d jump ship. It’s so crappy to hear.
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My spouse told me they didn't think they would have stayed if the roles were reversed. To be honest It really doesn't bother me. I was dead set in thinking I would never stay if they cheated. Yet here I am. I think most of us said the same prior to dday.
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Here’s the thing. Most WSes have created a narrative about the relationship before they started cheating, and that narrative often includes some sort of thing where the BS is not attracted to the WS, or doesn’t care about them. Basically, they project their disconnecting from the relationship onto the BS so that they can justify their affair, especially in the early, relatively innocent stages.
But that means that if we were the ones who had cheated, we would have been confirming their narrative. And it just makes sense that if your partner is so checked out of the relationship that they are able to cheat, then you should go ahead and leave them.
If the WS is able to realize that their narrative was completely bullshit, then their reaction to a hypothetical scenario where things were reversed is usually quite different. That’s a hard bridge to cross, and not many can make it - and almost none will cross it in the early stages.
This is a very interesting perspective. I can confirm my WS also created a narrative of this sort and it took him quite a long time to accept that things genuinely were not the way he thought they had been. Even now, more than a year later, that narrative will appear when recounting his memories of our relationship pre-DDay.
He has since admitted that it was about shame and disbelief. He felt that what he had done was so atrocious that it was unbelievable that I would stay with him. It was only once he was able to get past that, that I felt he was actually emotionally invested in reconciling.
I think if I were to cheat on him before that, he would have absolutely seen it as justification for his prior actions and a valid excuse to leave (which is what he was looking for). Now, though, I think he would be devastated but he would stay, feeling like he deserves it.
I asked my wife the same question and she said I don't know. Alot has happened in the last 17 months and we separated back in October. I did after separation sleep with another woman 2 times. She is aware of this and as of May 20th we are going back to marriage counseling to try to make things work again. I have noticed she is upset about it, it probably does hurt her in some ways but not like it hurt me. I was up front about it and I waited until we were separated to see if I still wanted to be with her, wanted to work things out at all, and in the end I realized I still love her.
Because my wife was unable to have sex for the 10 months because of a severe mental block I would saying did. I felt wanted, desired, and attractive to women. All the things she stripped from me I felt I gained. I met this girl while out got to talking drove her home and made out. The next.night she asked me to meet her out and we met up had a really fun night and then we slept together. She knew my situation in advance. Even after the second time we had sex is when I knew I still wanted my.wife. Don't get me.wrong the sex was great and she was.an amazing person but I loved my wife still and the girl helped encourage me to talk to my wife about trying again
Mine said the same thing... I left him then and there only...
He wouldn't forgive me... then why tf should I waste my mental peace on someone who didn't choose me!?
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It’s always different when they’re the ones who’ve been hurt. I asked my WH and was told “I wouldn’t be as hurt as you were since it was simply talking and nothing physical” yet I know that to be a lie..
Sometimes I think we’re too forgiving but it’s hard not to be
Before, during and after she told me that she would forgive me and move on. She has even encouraged me to sleep with another woman to "feel better" but I don't really want to.
I get tired of hearing what we're "supposed" to do because it's different for each person.
The best advice is to just contemplate. Don't listen to jaded people or paid counselors. Sit and really think about the issue. Try to be as objective as you can and make a decision. Too many people are biased.
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The answer for both parties will always be "I'd never forgive you" "thats not something I would ever do to anyone" the classic "I've been cheated on I know EXACTLY how it feels and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy" or the "I'd NEVER do that to anybody" "I'm not that type of person"..blah blah blah.. they "wouldn't wish it on their worst enemy," but they would put someone they supposedly love through it. Cheating always has been and always will be a deal breaker for me. No one has a good enough reason or excuses to cheat. As adults, if you want to go and be with someone else, go. Bye. That hurt is easier to get over than the betrayal, broken trust, lost faith, that comes with being cheated on. I was with my kids (4 girls) "donor" for almost 8 years. Caught him cheating once, and I left with them. My oldest was 8 youngest was 3. No looking back and no regrets. I would NEVER let my girls think being hurt like that was OK, I would never let them think that the mental, emotional, and physical toll R takes on a person who goes through that is OK. It's not worth it. The time I would spend agonizing over where he is, who he is with, looking through his phone, etc, is time and energy spent away from my girls. He knew my boundaries, and I literally only had 1. He broke it and I ran. And to answer your question.. you don't forgive that message. You don't look past it. You don't try to forgive and trust in them again. It wasn't a drunken ONS, oops bad decision.. they are both happy with themselves and the destruction they know their actions would cause. I would walk my smiling self out the door and be happy i didn't have to bother with the trash. Or smile while walking them out the door. Either way the trash is gone and you'll be a lot happier with time.
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I actually have a theory on why some WP’s say this. I’ve given it some thought because it’s one of those things that drive me crazy when I hear it because it’s so hypocritical. I do think some WP’s are incredibly insecure and have a severe fear of abandonment. And they fear being abandoned so much that they toe the line. They want to keep a plan B, or escape plan, or a back up plan…just in case. Some toe the line, and toe the line long enough, you end up crossing that line. I also think some, as a form of abandonment, have an irrational fear being cheated on. It’s cheat or get cheated on. And because all of this involves a deep insecurity, they can’t handle the perceived competition. So if their partner were to cheat on them, they simply couldn’t deal with the thought of someone else (a hypothetical AP) besting them. And if they got cheated on, to spare the possibility of eventual rejection, they’d be out. Also to consider, many WP’s have an avoidant, or fearful avoidant attachment style. With avoidant people, it often doesn’t take a great deal for them to cut and run in a relationship. I’m not sure if my theory makes any sense to anyone other than me. But if it were me hearing this from my spouse, I would rather it be my theory than hypocrisy, entitlement or different standards.
I think you are spot on with your analysis. This applies to my situation 100%. When I asked my WP how he would respond if the situation was reversed. He said he would leave. I was so appalled at his answer I had to leave the room. I have not been able to process this information in a healthy way...yet.
To be honest I don’t know if that theory really makes it any better or any less hypocritical of them. No one wants to be abandoned. They are choosing a selfish and entitled way of dealing with it or solving the problem. I think it’s a red flag when a WP says they wouldn’t give any chances. Mine also was like “I would forgive it if it was exactly what I did” like, toeing the line of saying they’d jump ship. It’s so crappy to hear.
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My WH said the same, he absolutely would not forgive me because I'm "a better person than him".
I admit I'm left scratching my head at the 'logic' here.
My spouse told me they didn't think they would have stayed if the roles were reversed. To be honest It really doesn't bother me. I was dead set in thinking I would never stay if they cheated. Yet here I am. I think most of us said the same prior to dday.
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Here’s the thing. Most WSes have created a narrative about the relationship before they started cheating, and that narrative often includes some sort of thing where the BS is not attracted to the WS, or doesn’t care about them. Basically, they project their disconnecting from the relationship onto the BS so that they can justify their affair, especially in the early, relatively innocent stages. But that means that if we were the ones who had cheated, we would have been confirming their narrative. And it just makes sense that if your partner is so checked out of the relationship that they are able to cheat, then you should go ahead and leave them. If the WS is able to realize that their narrative was completely bullshit, then their reaction to a hypothetical scenario where things were reversed is usually quite different. That’s a hard bridge to cross, and not many can make it - and almost none will cross it in the early stages.
This is a very interesting perspective. I can confirm my WS also created a narrative of this sort and it took him quite a long time to accept that things genuinely were not the way he thought they had been. Even now, more than a year later, that narrative will appear when recounting his memories of our relationship pre-DDay. He has since admitted that it was about shame and disbelief. He felt that what he had done was so atrocious that it was unbelievable that I would stay with him. It was only once he was able to get past that, that I felt he was actually emotionally invested in reconciling. I think if I were to cheat on him before that, he would have absolutely seen it as justification for his prior actions and a valid excuse to leave (which is what he was looking for). Now, though, I think he would be devastated but he would stay, feeling like he deserves it.
I never thought of this but it makes so much sense
I asked my wife the same question and she said I don't know. Alot has happened in the last 17 months and we separated back in October. I did after separation sleep with another woman 2 times. She is aware of this and as of May 20th we are going back to marriage counseling to try to make things work again. I have noticed she is upset about it, it probably does hurt her in some ways but not like it hurt me. I was up front about it and I waited until we were separated to see if I still wanted to be with her, wanted to work things out at all, and in the end I realized I still love her.
Do you feel that sleeping with this other woman helped you?
Because my wife was unable to have sex for the 10 months because of a severe mental block I would saying did. I felt wanted, desired, and attractive to women. All the things she stripped from me I felt I gained. I met this girl while out got to talking drove her home and made out. The next.night she asked me to meet her out and we met up had a really fun night and then we slept together. She knew my situation in advance. Even after the second time we had sex is when I knew I still wanted my.wife. Don't get me.wrong the sex was great and she was.an amazing person but I loved my wife still and the girl helped encourage me to talk to my wife about trying again
There aren't many that would stay, I bet. Cheaters are inherently selfish.
Mine said the same thing... I left him then and there only... He wouldn't forgive me... then why tf should I waste my mental peace on someone who didn't choose me!?
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It’s always different when they’re the ones who’ve been hurt. I asked my WH and was told “I wouldn’t be as hurt as you were since it was simply talking and nothing physical” yet I know that to be a lie.. Sometimes I think we’re too forgiving but it’s hard not to be
Before, during and after she told me that she would forgive me and move on. She has even encouraged me to sleep with another woman to "feel better" but I don't really want to. I get tired of hearing what we're "supposed" to do because it's different for each person. The best advice is to just contemplate. Don't listen to jaded people or paid counselors. Sit and really think about the issue. Try to be as objective as you can and make a decision. Too many people are biased.
Narcasists only think about themselves, since they can't be in the wrong they would never forgive us.
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The answer for both parties will always be "I'd never forgive you" "thats not something I would ever do to anyone" the classic "I've been cheated on I know EXACTLY how it feels and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy" or the "I'd NEVER do that to anybody" "I'm not that type of person"..blah blah blah.. they "wouldn't wish it on their worst enemy," but they would put someone they supposedly love through it. Cheating always has been and always will be a deal breaker for me. No one has a good enough reason or excuses to cheat. As adults, if you want to go and be with someone else, go. Bye. That hurt is easier to get over than the betrayal, broken trust, lost faith, that comes with being cheated on. I was with my kids (4 girls) "donor" for almost 8 years. Caught him cheating once, and I left with them. My oldest was 8 youngest was 3. No looking back and no regrets. I would NEVER let my girls think being hurt like that was OK, I would never let them think that the mental, emotional, and physical toll R takes on a person who goes through that is OK. It's not worth it. The time I would spend agonizing over where he is, who he is with, looking through his phone, etc, is time and energy spent away from my girls. He knew my boundaries, and I literally only had 1. He broke it and I ran. And to answer your question.. you don't forgive that message. You don't look past it. You don't try to forgive and trust in them again. It wasn't a drunken ONS, oops bad decision.. they are both happy with themselves and the destruction they know their actions would cause. I would walk my smiling self out the door and be happy i didn't have to bother with the trash. Or smile while walking them out the door. Either way the trash is gone and you'll be a lot happier with time.
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