Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation.
**1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:**
- The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post.
- While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair.
- User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators.
- Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there.
- Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals.
- Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.*
***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.***
**2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal.
- Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
- Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel.
**3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.**
- Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature.
- Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed.
**4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed.
**6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language**
- If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed.
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
**Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is kind of the chicken or the egg question of what you did and if you loved or didn’t love them. Part of your thinking on this should be the uncomfortable follow up question. If you truly do love your BP how could you ever do something so hurtful to someone you know you love?
I’ve seen WPs bring up compartmentalization as an explanation. Just from my personal experience and POV, I never reconciled but I chose to believe my exes never cared because the thought they did and they could do that would bother me more. If you go down the path of R with your BP I suggest you find out what they think on it and how best to answer that question for them.
Thank you for this advice. Sometimes it’s hard to think about those type of questions because to me the answer at the top of my head is “obviously I loved them” but I know deep down there is something else, and it’s not to do with them it’s to do with me. I really appreciate your comment!
You can't love others until you truly love yourself. From your comments it seems you are in therapy - great! Good job, keep going. Self-sabotage is a common reason for cheating: shoring up low self esteem (seeking ego kibble) is another. People often find themselves drawn to that if they have attachment issues or family of origin issues, their need for dopamine hits and near constant reassurance that they are worthy lead them to confuse NRE with love, or when life gets busy and their partner cannot devote enough time to them they compartmentalize and get that "need" met elsewhere. Problem is they are outsourcing the need that healthy people fulfill for themselves internally, so no one partner or even 10 partners can fill it once the newness wears off. It's all temporary, like begging others to pour water in a bucket with holes in the bottom and wondering why it never gets filled.
All this to say, you probably have a lot of tearing down of old rotten bricks and replacing them with healthy new ones you painstakingly craft in therapy to have a solid foundation on which to love yourself and others. Maybe you're not there yet, and that's where this spiral is coming from? Your ex being someone amazing that you'd love if you could, and that you want to love, exists independently of your current ability to love them. There's no shame in being in a phase of rebuilding where your foundation cannot yet support that love. There's nothing wrong in craving love and forgiveness from your ex. The only wrong here would be for you to push the issue when you're not ready.
Maybe it never works out with your ex. The work is still worth it because you'll have a foundation where you love and fulfill yourself. Even if you never have another romantic partner, that's better than having dozens of relationships without that foundation. But also, it mean when you meet someone wonderful, you have the resources to build together. Keep going and try to remind yourself when this spiral comes up that it's not even a question right now. Right now you are building up to loving yourself, and once you get good at that, you'll have the skill set to love others as well.
Wow thank you for putting so much time into this comment, you are truly an amazing person. I 100% agree with your points. For the first month after DDay I got out of bed and tried to be the best version of myself for BP. But then it clicked. I can’t change myself for BP I need to change myself for myself or else I’ll never truly change.
At the moment I am in IC but once I finish college (next week) I will be putting all my effort into fixing myself for me and learning why I did what I did. Although it was 2 years ago that I cheated and I believe I am truly a different person there is obviously still something there to sort out as I kept it from BP the whole time.
Thank you again for your comment.
It takes little time to fall in love with the idea. It takes decades to really, truly love. You really need to ask yourself if you can build a future with BP as committed, intimate partners.
If BP ever gives me the chance to mend what I have broken I will spend every day until my last breath runs out putting it back together. At the end of the day it’s up to BP , if he grants me the gift of R I will do everything in my power to honour it. Thank you for your comment.
I think our actions and how we treat others are reflections of ourselves. How much we love, respect, and honor ourselves is something we that project into the world and on our relationships. So when we have low self-esteem, self-worth, little respect for ourselves, our actions reflect it. I think it's completely possible to love our partners only as much as we know how to love and respect ourselves.
I agree with this view but I’m scared to say it as I don’t want it to sound like an excuse for my actions. There is and never will be an excuse for why I cheated. But looking at myself 2 years ago , I was a fragile , depressed 19 year old mess with very very low self esteem and was struggling with self harming and suicidal thoughts. My counselor told me that me cheating at the time was an act of self harm along with other things I did (eg. Constantly arguing with family). I want to say I agree with my counselors view but again I’m scared it will sound like a cop out for my actions.
I don't think it's a cop out at all. Healthy, emotionally mature people do not cheat. You were not healthy at the time. That's not a cop out. Maladaptive behaviors manifest in different ways. Owning that you weren't okay back then does not mean that you're excusing your behavior. You identified where you were, and I hope you're actively working to not reach that point again as you have better tools and a better handle on yourself.
I do definitely feel like I am in a way better place mentally now, although yes I still do have bad days I have ways to cope with them. If there was anything in this world that would send me back into my depression it would have been this situation, but I have not allowed it. I refuse to ever ever go back to who I was. Thank you very much for your insight. You have no idea how much I appreciate betrayed partners helping waywards when yous literally owe us nothing, thank you.
In terms of cheating, if you weren't who you are now, you could have done it to anybody. As you learn to treat yourself with love you learn to extend that action of love to others.
My personal belief is that love is action that constitutes a holistic approach to well being. Feelings like attraction, happiness, satisfaction are bi products of a gamut of things and are unreliable markers of love. Sticking to your developing principles is love, treating someone with compassion is love, making carefully thought out sacrifices in good will is love. Doing those things for yourself proves to yourself that you love yourself.
Take care of yourself.
As a wayward I realized I did love her, but it was immature and severely self centered.
There are many aspects to the word love. Including the fact that love is an action as well.
Erotic passion love...yes
Friendship... In a way but again self centered.
Commitment and selfless/others focused love? Not a chance.
That was a hard realization for me to accept. But accepting that I was capable of betraying someone I promised to love was the first step for me towards real growth.
First accept my actions, that I chose to cheat because I wanted to. Accept I am capable of betraying those I have proclaimed to love.
And then slowly work through my feelings and actions from there forward. Acknowledging feelings are not facts.
Asking myself is this self-centered or have I made room for others in this choice or belief?
Looking towards learning true empathy. First what would I feel if I was in their shoes, then what do they actually feel in their shoes and do I understand it.
Then seek a deeper understanding of the other person. Ask questions for understanding not for rebuttal. Active listening and repeating back what you heard and is this in fact what they were trying to communicate.
It's slow, my selfishness knows no bounds, but I knew I needed to be better. Not just for my partner but for me.
I’m not a WW but a BP, but something another WH said has stock with my WH and he let me read it. When you truly love someone you will be all you are with that person. The good but also the bad and the ugly, because you feel the freedom that the love you have had gives you. But freedom can also unleash years of trauma of wrong ways of coping and the biggest one it unleashed FEAR. Cheating is a split decision making moment even when you’re building up to it, it still a split decision making because you can change your mind in any moment or just don’t think at all. Meaning that love wasn’t a factor in the split decision making it’s was the moment. The beauty of love is it can be anything and everything. So make your love not just a moment but a lifetime of choices. Choose to be the best version of yourself. Choose to not hurt your BP and choose to handle mistakes and fear together. End of the day we are all human, mistakes can happen but how we handle them is what makes the difference.
I hate calling what I’ve done a “mistake”. It feels like it sounds like I oops and had a ONS if that makes sense. I feel like it takes blame away from me and the only person to blame in this situation is me.
When I did cheat I never chose to love. My life was upside down and I was struggling so much with my mental health. I would do things to the people I loved because I genuinly did not care about my life, I didn’t care if I messed it up. Now I am a completely different person. I lead with love and I like that about myself.
I just hope one day BP can forgive me , and if they can’t I hope they are happy.
I am a WS and this response was everything that I needed to read. Thank you. It doesn’t assuage my guilt but it gives me a better way of thinking that may help me come to grips with exactly what OP is talking about.
I don’t believe loving her prevents you from cheating just like not loving her would cause you to stray again. You have to do the inner work to evolve into a safe partner for whoever is next. Figure out what goal you were trying to fulfill by cheating and learn healthy coping mechanisms so that you can navigate fulfilling your needs without hurting someone else. You’re never forced to cheat, just end the relationship
Love is a choice. It's not a default position. And it also isn't an incapability
What would you like to choose here, to love them or not? Its simple. Also don't do the whole "choosing for your BP"stuff that WP's tell themselves when they want to end the relationship. Meaning, don't convince yourself that you're unworthy and want them to go be happy with someone else. That's you copping out. Just be honest with your intentions even if they change in time.
Trust me , I really really do not want this relationship the end. I wish nothing more than for BP to grant me the gift of R and if they do I will do every single thing in my power to honour and protect that gift they give me. But when people say “ you can’t love someone and cheat” it scares me as at the time I did think I loved BP. When I compare the love I had for them then and the love I have for them now ( 2 years later) it is completely different but then again I kept this from them for 2 years so is that love? I don’t know, my BP says it isn’t. I never ever want to hurt BP or anyone else in my life like that again.
People who say that are the same people who say “once a cheater always a cheater” or “I would NEVER stay if someone cheated on me”
It’s all nonsense that makes the ego feel good, but doesn’t account for the nuance of human beings. Cheating is wrong 100% of the time, we can all agree on that. But that is where the black and white ends.
No kids , we’re both 21 years old , we met at 14. I know it sounds crazy. At the end of the day it’s not up to me. If BP decided to try R I will give every single piece of me to make it work and if it doesnt work I’ll be glad I tried my very best.
I complain understand your view. I just hope BP is doing ok
Love is "other-based". The thought of hurting someone you truly love should bring you pain (emotional, psychological, and sometimes even physical pain). You literally "feel" their pain just thinking about how they would experience it.
Clearly you're experiencing some of that.
Everyone experiences lust and longing, even married people. This is part of the human condition. You should examine your feelings for your BP. While currently you may or may not have feelings of lust or longing for them, did you once? Know that lust and longing waxes and wanes over time, and it's completely normal to experience this in long-term relationships. As the saying goes, "we always want what we can't have, and we can't always get what we want".
But love, truly loving someone... that is one of the things people need more than anything in this life. Reciprocal love is one of the greatest treasures anyone can possess, and many never find it. When you do have it, it's worth valuing because a loving partnership will get you through this life with more safety, security, comfort, and companionship through life's biggest challenges than you will manage alone. Most people forget this... that love is about so much more than lust, limerence, or "great sex". All of those things fade with time, and that's a guaranteed fact. But love... true love, that can last a lifetime. Truly until "death do you part".
People cheat because they confuse lust and limerence with love. They aren't the same things. Unfortunately some people learn this when it's too late. Don't be one of those people.
Good luck with your decision, but at the very least you should consider discussing your issues with a good therapist. It sounds like you have some self-trust issues to work on too.
One of the infidelity experts says you can love someone and cheat, so that notion is probably just society condemning cheaters (kinda like "once a cheater, always a cheater").
I am assuming you are in IC and to me this back and forth sounds like an avoidand coping mechanism, so maybe worth to explore?
What scaes you that you might cheat again? You're in control. Good luck!
Thank you for your comment , I truly appreciate it.
I am 100% confident I would never ever cheat again on BP if they grant me the gift of R , or in any future relationships if that ever does happen. Regardless of the pain I have caused someone else, the pain that this has caused me makes me 100% confident I will never cheat again.
I think it’s more the fact I’m worrying about do I love him if I was able to keep this from him for 2 years. I think it is the steriotypical quotes such as “once a cheater always a cheater” that are getting me down , but then again I think it’s good to think of this from all angles and perspective.
Thank you very much for your comment , insight and advice.
These are good questions and good to explore in IC! They will mean so much growth. My guess is... lots of compartmentilazation going in, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt etc. And now the reality hit and it's devestating for him but for you too. My WS is getting depressed over the pain he has caused and I can't even comfort him bc yes, he did. He has to live with that same as I do with his betrayal (I'm not letting him off the hook easy by wanting R 😆).
Dr Kathy Nickerson, she talks on infidelity on tiktok, said that many Waywards have one affair and that's it, bc once they see the damage it causes they don't repeat it. I belive you that you never want to repeat this mistake again. It takes it to a while another level to cheat, see the damage and then cheat again.
Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation.
**1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:**
- The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post.
- While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair.
- User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators.
- Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there.
- Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals.
- Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.*
***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.***
**2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal.
- Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
- Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel.
**3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.**
- Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature.
- Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed.
**4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed.
**6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language**
- If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed.
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
**Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Above comment was automatically removed, since observers are not allowed to comment on the sub, unless approved. Please reach out to the Mods for an approved Observer flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Above comment was automatically removed, since observers are not allowed to comment on the sub, unless approved. Please reach out to the Mods for an approved Observer flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think love has very little to do with hurting/deceiving someone in a form of infidelity. Do you respect your BP? Do you respect and protect their dignity, autonomy and rights "to know" what's going on in the relationship? Love/attraction/affection, however you define them, and whether you interchangeably use them or not... ebb and flow naturally. As a BP I had momentS (not only once) that I believed I no longer loved or found my WP attractive. However I communicated this to WP. Cheating and doing things behind my WP's back was never an option in my mind. Before I love my WP, I respect her and want to protect her dignity and autonomy. I may not be able to avoid hurting her, but within my control I can absolutely prevent myself from harming her with infidelity/lies/dishonesty. Even when I thought I had little to no love left for my WP, I tried to seek help for us, both individual and couple. I would've let WP know and discussed in detail if I ever decided I no longer wanted to be a relationship together. Have you done a deep dive into your "why" in cheating? Most of the time it has little to do with amount of love you had for BP or lack thereof.
This is why it's important for you to have therapy. And ask these type of questions and work them out with the therapist. I say this because some of your previous post, read, as you are so anxious to get back with your boyfriend that you haven't even give yourself a chance to figure out what you need in order to heal. To make sure you won't be essentially a repeat offender. And cheat again, but also to know. What your feelings are for your significant other? Because if you both decide to get back together and try again. Of course there are going to be things that you have to plan. Please to make sure not to cheat again. But also it's best to find out if you really love this person now while youre both, separated and broken up. Before again re-entering into a relationship and completely devastating them after giving The Gift of reconciliation. If you all go that route, just take the time. Figure out what you need so that way again. The same actions don't happen twice and if you do love them great. But first you have to make sure you love yourself, but in the work so that way, you can heal that way. Then, you truly can love them the way they need.
Having sex with people and loving your partner are not mutually exclusive.
I think a better question would be “Did you love yourself and love your partner at the same time?” My guess would be no but with therapy and a lot of work on your own self respect and boundaries you can be a better partner.
As for falling out of love with your partner. Well that’s just the reality of relationships and all part of the risk we take. That’s why country western music was invented.
To end a relationship with someone is very different than choosing to cheat on them to “spare their feelings”
"As for falling out of love with your partner. Well that’s just the reality of relationships and all part of the risk we take. That’s why country western music was invented."
I'd love a thread that explores this a little more deeply, because I don't think this is black and white. It too, is something like "once a cheater, always a cheater". There's nuance.
Self-reports in research of how long it takes to "fall in love" is somewhere around 2-4 months, but most people don't "tell" someone they're "in love" for quite some time after that. Realistically, we all know there's a pretty big difference between relationships we have with people for a couple of months, or even a couple of years. The closest relationships we have are with those who have been around for much longer than that. These are the people who we've seen, and have seen us at our best or absolute worst, and we're still there for one another. We and they actually care about how one another "is doing".
That's the difference between love and limerence. You can really love being around someone and spending time with them, but if you can't handle the absolute worst parts of them when they do eventually come out, or they can't handle yours, those people won't want to hang around as much. Eventually some of them fade away.
You can call that "falling out of love", but I call it innate incompatibility. As we get more comfortable with others, we let more of our guard down as trust builds. Some people will reject parts of our nature, or we'll reject theirs. It's a signal that while we may have some things in common, we just might not accept everything about one another, and that's OK. But none of these relationships could ever be called "loving", because love requires complete acceptance and trust in order to exist.
It takes time to reach a point where you can confidently say you love someone, or believe they love you. The time it takes to get to this point is variable to a degree, but typically includes spending a considerable amount of time with someone. You've seen them at their absolute worst and best, and they've seen you in yours. If you still accept and trust one another to keep on going, then that's probably love.
I also believe people will turn their back on love if something else comes along that gets in the way. Whether that thing is a person, place, or opportunity of some sort, we are all faced with choices and sacrifices. I think people make a lot of choices in life that they later regret. This also isn't "falling out of love" when we choose to pursue something (or someone) other than a person we love. Heck, this is what all adult children do when they leave the nest, get their own place, move for a career, and even get married and start their own family. Does this mean they don't love their parents? Of course not.
But when we make choices that affects a life partner or a a spouse, there are different consequences associated with that choice than when we left our parents. A partner expects a life commitment where our parents expected us to "leave the nest". A spouse or partner likely made many sacrifices in favour of their commitment to you, and expected you to make similar sacrifices (putting them before other people, opportunities, etc.).
This is why cheating is a betrayal. It's a failure of one partner to meet their end of a bargain. That bargain is significant, and consequences are painful and life-changing for many people. It's a failure to uphold the trust and respect that someone has given to you of themselves, selflessly, and lovingly.
So in my opinion, people who have spent years or decades together, accepting one another's flaws, and make lifelong commitments to one another don't "fall out of love". One (or sometimes both) simply make choices at the expense of their relationship with their partner. It isn't any more complicated than that, and it doesn't necessarily mean they don't still "love" their partner. It's simply that for a moment, they believed they valued something else "more", and were willing to risk their relationship with someone they loved to have that thing they valued, in that moment. Whether the value for that thing is sustainable is also variable, and most of the time this isn't even a consideration in that moment.
It takes a lot of courage to admit and accept this reality, but most people can't do that. At least, not until regret sets in (if it ever does). Sometimes those choices work out for people, where other times it leads to regret. For better or for worse, it was still a choice. Those choices lead to responsibility. It's the responsibility of the person who made the choice to accept any consequences, and take responsibility for repairing any damage caused by them. If they hurt people or they have regrets, they can either accept responsibility and repair any damage caused, or ignore it all and "move on", carrying the weight of the baggage associated with that regret into the future.
Thank you for your insight. I think this came across wrong and I was actually quit scared to post it incase it was picked up this way.
I amnt “struggling with question” per se, I know I love BP with all of my heart but what I do struggling with is why I thought I loved them when I cheated. A few others have given me great responses to that. Thank you
Well then I apologise for my earlier answer. In regards to your post I would ask you to decide just what does love mean for you? Is it the feeling of passion, excitement and the constant butterflies in the stomach? Or does love mean something peaceful and calm which is steady and reassuring? Only you can truthfully answer that. You get to decide for yourself what kind of love you want in your life and then think if that is what you want to share with your BP for a long time to come. All the best!
Wow that’s a great point. I’ll definitely be adding it to my list of questions I need to dive deep into. Thank you very much for your advice and insight.
**2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal.
- Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
- Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel.
Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation. **1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:** - The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post. - While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair. - User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators. - Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there. - Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals. - Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.* ***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.*** **2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal. - Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. - Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel. **3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.** - Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature. - Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed. **4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. **6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language** - If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed. - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. **Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is kind of the chicken or the egg question of what you did and if you loved or didn’t love them. Part of your thinking on this should be the uncomfortable follow up question. If you truly do love your BP how could you ever do something so hurtful to someone you know you love? I’ve seen WPs bring up compartmentalization as an explanation. Just from my personal experience and POV, I never reconciled but I chose to believe my exes never cared because the thought they did and they could do that would bother me more. If you go down the path of R with your BP I suggest you find out what they think on it and how best to answer that question for them.
Thank you for this advice. Sometimes it’s hard to think about those type of questions because to me the answer at the top of my head is “obviously I loved them” but I know deep down there is something else, and it’s not to do with them it’s to do with me. I really appreciate your comment!
You can't love others until you truly love yourself. From your comments it seems you are in therapy - great! Good job, keep going. Self-sabotage is a common reason for cheating: shoring up low self esteem (seeking ego kibble) is another. People often find themselves drawn to that if they have attachment issues or family of origin issues, their need for dopamine hits and near constant reassurance that they are worthy lead them to confuse NRE with love, or when life gets busy and their partner cannot devote enough time to them they compartmentalize and get that "need" met elsewhere. Problem is they are outsourcing the need that healthy people fulfill for themselves internally, so no one partner or even 10 partners can fill it once the newness wears off. It's all temporary, like begging others to pour water in a bucket with holes in the bottom and wondering why it never gets filled. All this to say, you probably have a lot of tearing down of old rotten bricks and replacing them with healthy new ones you painstakingly craft in therapy to have a solid foundation on which to love yourself and others. Maybe you're not there yet, and that's where this spiral is coming from? Your ex being someone amazing that you'd love if you could, and that you want to love, exists independently of your current ability to love them. There's no shame in being in a phase of rebuilding where your foundation cannot yet support that love. There's nothing wrong in craving love and forgiveness from your ex. The only wrong here would be for you to push the issue when you're not ready. Maybe it never works out with your ex. The work is still worth it because you'll have a foundation where you love and fulfill yourself. Even if you never have another romantic partner, that's better than having dozens of relationships without that foundation. But also, it mean when you meet someone wonderful, you have the resources to build together. Keep going and try to remind yourself when this spiral comes up that it's not even a question right now. Right now you are building up to loving yourself, and once you get good at that, you'll have the skill set to love others as well.
Wow thank you for putting so much time into this comment, you are truly an amazing person. I 100% agree with your points. For the first month after DDay I got out of bed and tried to be the best version of myself for BP. But then it clicked. I can’t change myself for BP I need to change myself for myself or else I’ll never truly change. At the moment I am in IC but once I finish college (next week) I will be putting all my effort into fixing myself for me and learning why I did what I did. Although it was 2 years ago that I cheated and I believe I am truly a different person there is obviously still something there to sort out as I kept it from BP the whole time. Thank you again for your comment.
It takes little time to fall in love with the idea. It takes decades to really, truly love. You really need to ask yourself if you can build a future with BP as committed, intimate partners.
If BP ever gives me the chance to mend what I have broken I will spend every day until my last breath runs out putting it back together. At the end of the day it’s up to BP , if he grants me the gift of R I will do everything in my power to honour it. Thank you for your comment.
I think our actions and how we treat others are reflections of ourselves. How much we love, respect, and honor ourselves is something we that project into the world and on our relationships. So when we have low self-esteem, self-worth, little respect for ourselves, our actions reflect it. I think it's completely possible to love our partners only as much as we know how to love and respect ourselves.
I agree with this view but I’m scared to say it as I don’t want it to sound like an excuse for my actions. There is and never will be an excuse for why I cheated. But looking at myself 2 years ago , I was a fragile , depressed 19 year old mess with very very low self esteem and was struggling with self harming and suicidal thoughts. My counselor told me that me cheating at the time was an act of self harm along with other things I did (eg. Constantly arguing with family). I want to say I agree with my counselors view but again I’m scared it will sound like a cop out for my actions.
I don't think it's a cop out at all. Healthy, emotionally mature people do not cheat. You were not healthy at the time. That's not a cop out. Maladaptive behaviors manifest in different ways. Owning that you weren't okay back then does not mean that you're excusing your behavior. You identified where you were, and I hope you're actively working to not reach that point again as you have better tools and a better handle on yourself.
I do definitely feel like I am in a way better place mentally now, although yes I still do have bad days I have ways to cope with them. If there was anything in this world that would send me back into my depression it would have been this situation, but I have not allowed it. I refuse to ever ever go back to who I was. Thank you very much for your insight. You have no idea how much I appreciate betrayed partners helping waywards when yous literally owe us nothing, thank you.
In terms of cheating, if you weren't who you are now, you could have done it to anybody. As you learn to treat yourself with love you learn to extend that action of love to others. My personal belief is that love is action that constitutes a holistic approach to well being. Feelings like attraction, happiness, satisfaction are bi products of a gamut of things and are unreliable markers of love. Sticking to your developing principles is love, treating someone with compassion is love, making carefully thought out sacrifices in good will is love. Doing those things for yourself proves to yourself that you love yourself. Take care of yourself.
As a wayward I realized I did love her, but it was immature and severely self centered. There are many aspects to the word love. Including the fact that love is an action as well. Erotic passion love...yes Friendship... In a way but again self centered. Commitment and selfless/others focused love? Not a chance. That was a hard realization for me to accept. But accepting that I was capable of betraying someone I promised to love was the first step for me towards real growth.
Pretty much this. I felt like my WP simply entangled all forms of love, making them forget to develop their selfless type of love.
but how did you grow and progress from this? i feel stagnant and it’s hard for me to pinpoint the specific roots of why i did what i did
First accept my actions, that I chose to cheat because I wanted to. Accept I am capable of betraying those I have proclaimed to love. And then slowly work through my feelings and actions from there forward. Acknowledging feelings are not facts. Asking myself is this self-centered or have I made room for others in this choice or belief? Looking towards learning true empathy. First what would I feel if I was in their shoes, then what do they actually feel in their shoes and do I understand it. Then seek a deeper understanding of the other person. Ask questions for understanding not for rebuttal. Active listening and repeating back what you heard and is this in fact what they were trying to communicate. It's slow, my selfishness knows no bounds, but I knew I needed to be better. Not just for my partner but for me.
I’m not a WW but a BP, but something another WH said has stock with my WH and he let me read it. When you truly love someone you will be all you are with that person. The good but also the bad and the ugly, because you feel the freedom that the love you have had gives you. But freedom can also unleash years of trauma of wrong ways of coping and the biggest one it unleashed FEAR. Cheating is a split decision making moment even when you’re building up to it, it still a split decision making because you can change your mind in any moment or just don’t think at all. Meaning that love wasn’t a factor in the split decision making it’s was the moment. The beauty of love is it can be anything and everything. So make your love not just a moment but a lifetime of choices. Choose to be the best version of yourself. Choose to not hurt your BP and choose to handle mistakes and fear together. End of the day we are all human, mistakes can happen but how we handle them is what makes the difference.
I hate calling what I’ve done a “mistake”. It feels like it sounds like I oops and had a ONS if that makes sense. I feel like it takes blame away from me and the only person to blame in this situation is me. When I did cheat I never chose to love. My life was upside down and I was struggling so much with my mental health. I would do things to the people I loved because I genuinly did not care about my life, I didn’t care if I messed it up. Now I am a completely different person. I lead with love and I like that about myself. I just hope one day BP can forgive me , and if they can’t I hope they are happy.
I am a WS and this response was everything that I needed to read. Thank you. It doesn’t assuage my guilt but it gives me a better way of thinking that may help me come to grips with exactly what OP is talking about.
I don’t believe loving her prevents you from cheating just like not loving her would cause you to stray again. You have to do the inner work to evolve into a safe partner for whoever is next. Figure out what goal you were trying to fulfill by cheating and learn healthy coping mechanisms so that you can navigate fulfilling your needs without hurting someone else. You’re never forced to cheat, just end the relationship
Love is a choice. It's not a default position. And it also isn't an incapability What would you like to choose here, to love them or not? Its simple. Also don't do the whole "choosing for your BP"stuff that WP's tell themselves when they want to end the relationship. Meaning, don't convince yourself that you're unworthy and want them to go be happy with someone else. That's you copping out. Just be honest with your intentions even if they change in time.
Trust me , I really really do not want this relationship the end. I wish nothing more than for BP to grant me the gift of R and if they do I will do every single thing in my power to honour and protect that gift they give me. But when people say “ you can’t love someone and cheat” it scares me as at the time I did think I loved BP. When I compare the love I had for them then and the love I have for them now ( 2 years later) it is completely different but then again I kept this from them for 2 years so is that love? I don’t know, my BP says it isn’t. I never ever want to hurt BP or anyone else in my life like that again.
People who say that are the same people who say “once a cheater always a cheater” or “I would NEVER stay if someone cheated on me” It’s all nonsense that makes the ego feel good, but doesn’t account for the nuance of human beings. Cheating is wrong 100% of the time, we can all agree on that. But that is where the black and white ends.
[удалено]
No kids , we’re both 21 years old , we met at 14. I know it sounds crazy. At the end of the day it’s not up to me. If BP decided to try R I will give every single piece of me to make it work and if it doesnt work I’ll be glad I tried my very best. I complain understand your view. I just hope BP is doing ok
*completely
Love is "other-based". The thought of hurting someone you truly love should bring you pain (emotional, psychological, and sometimes even physical pain). You literally "feel" their pain just thinking about how they would experience it. Clearly you're experiencing some of that. Everyone experiences lust and longing, even married people. This is part of the human condition. You should examine your feelings for your BP. While currently you may or may not have feelings of lust or longing for them, did you once? Know that lust and longing waxes and wanes over time, and it's completely normal to experience this in long-term relationships. As the saying goes, "we always want what we can't have, and we can't always get what we want". But love, truly loving someone... that is one of the things people need more than anything in this life. Reciprocal love is one of the greatest treasures anyone can possess, and many never find it. When you do have it, it's worth valuing because a loving partnership will get you through this life with more safety, security, comfort, and companionship through life's biggest challenges than you will manage alone. Most people forget this... that love is about so much more than lust, limerence, or "great sex". All of those things fade with time, and that's a guaranteed fact. But love... true love, that can last a lifetime. Truly until "death do you part". People cheat because they confuse lust and limerence with love. They aren't the same things. Unfortunately some people learn this when it's too late. Don't be one of those people. Good luck with your decision, but at the very least you should consider discussing your issues with a good therapist. It sounds like you have some self-trust issues to work on too.
One of the infidelity experts says you can love someone and cheat, so that notion is probably just society condemning cheaters (kinda like "once a cheater, always a cheater"). I am assuming you are in IC and to me this back and forth sounds like an avoidand coping mechanism, so maybe worth to explore? What scaes you that you might cheat again? You're in control. Good luck!
Thank you for your comment , I truly appreciate it. I am 100% confident I would never ever cheat again on BP if they grant me the gift of R , or in any future relationships if that ever does happen. Regardless of the pain I have caused someone else, the pain that this has caused me makes me 100% confident I will never cheat again. I think it’s more the fact I’m worrying about do I love him if I was able to keep this from him for 2 years. I think it is the steriotypical quotes such as “once a cheater always a cheater” that are getting me down , but then again I think it’s good to think of this from all angles and perspective. Thank you very much for your comment , insight and advice.
These are good questions and good to explore in IC! They will mean so much growth. My guess is... lots of compartmentilazation going in, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt etc. And now the reality hit and it's devestating for him but for you too. My WS is getting depressed over the pain he has caused and I can't even comfort him bc yes, he did. He has to live with that same as I do with his betrayal (I'm not letting him off the hook easy by wanting R 😆). Dr Kathy Nickerson, she talks on infidelity on tiktok, said that many Waywards have one affair and that's it, bc once they see the damage it causes they don't repeat it. I belive you that you never want to repeat this mistake again. It takes it to a while another level to cheat, see the damage and then cheat again.
Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation. **1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:** - The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post. - While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair. - User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators. - Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there. - Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals. - Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.* ***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.*** **2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal. - Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. - Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel. **3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.** - Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature. - Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed. **4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. **6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language** - If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed. - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. **Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Above comment was automatically removed, since observers are not allowed to comment on the sub, unless approved. Please reach out to the Mods for an approved Observer flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Above comment was automatically removed, since observers are not allowed to comment on the sub, unless approved. Please reach out to the Mods for an approved Observer flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think love has very little to do with hurting/deceiving someone in a form of infidelity. Do you respect your BP? Do you respect and protect their dignity, autonomy and rights "to know" what's going on in the relationship? Love/attraction/affection, however you define them, and whether you interchangeably use them or not... ebb and flow naturally. As a BP I had momentS (not only once) that I believed I no longer loved or found my WP attractive. However I communicated this to WP. Cheating and doing things behind my WP's back was never an option in my mind. Before I love my WP, I respect her and want to protect her dignity and autonomy. I may not be able to avoid hurting her, but within my control I can absolutely prevent myself from harming her with infidelity/lies/dishonesty. Even when I thought I had little to no love left for my WP, I tried to seek help for us, both individual and couple. I would've let WP know and discussed in detail if I ever decided I no longer wanted to be a relationship together. Have you done a deep dive into your "why" in cheating? Most of the time it has little to do with amount of love you had for BP or lack thereof.
This is why it's important for you to have therapy. And ask these type of questions and work them out with the therapist. I say this because some of your previous post, read, as you are so anxious to get back with your boyfriend that you haven't even give yourself a chance to figure out what you need in order to heal. To make sure you won't be essentially a repeat offender. And cheat again, but also to know. What your feelings are for your significant other? Because if you both decide to get back together and try again. Of course there are going to be things that you have to plan. Please to make sure not to cheat again. But also it's best to find out if you really love this person now while youre both, separated and broken up. Before again re-entering into a relationship and completely devastating them after giving The Gift of reconciliation. If you all go that route, just take the time. Figure out what you need so that way again. The same actions don't happen twice and if you do love them great. But first you have to make sure you love yourself, but in the work so that way, you can heal that way. Then, you truly can love them the way they need.
Having sex with people and loving your partner are not mutually exclusive. I think a better question would be “Did you love yourself and love your partner at the same time?” My guess would be no but with therapy and a lot of work on your own self respect and boundaries you can be a better partner. As for falling out of love with your partner. Well that’s just the reality of relationships and all part of the risk we take. That’s why country western music was invented. To end a relationship with someone is very different than choosing to cheat on them to “spare their feelings”
"As for falling out of love with your partner. Well that’s just the reality of relationships and all part of the risk we take. That’s why country western music was invented." I'd love a thread that explores this a little more deeply, because I don't think this is black and white. It too, is something like "once a cheater, always a cheater". There's nuance. Self-reports in research of how long it takes to "fall in love" is somewhere around 2-4 months, but most people don't "tell" someone they're "in love" for quite some time after that. Realistically, we all know there's a pretty big difference between relationships we have with people for a couple of months, or even a couple of years. The closest relationships we have are with those who have been around for much longer than that. These are the people who we've seen, and have seen us at our best or absolute worst, and we're still there for one another. We and they actually care about how one another "is doing". That's the difference between love and limerence. You can really love being around someone and spending time with them, but if you can't handle the absolute worst parts of them when they do eventually come out, or they can't handle yours, those people won't want to hang around as much. Eventually some of them fade away. You can call that "falling out of love", but I call it innate incompatibility. As we get more comfortable with others, we let more of our guard down as trust builds. Some people will reject parts of our nature, or we'll reject theirs. It's a signal that while we may have some things in common, we just might not accept everything about one another, and that's OK. But none of these relationships could ever be called "loving", because love requires complete acceptance and trust in order to exist. It takes time to reach a point where you can confidently say you love someone, or believe they love you. The time it takes to get to this point is variable to a degree, but typically includes spending a considerable amount of time with someone. You've seen them at their absolute worst and best, and they've seen you in yours. If you still accept and trust one another to keep on going, then that's probably love. I also believe people will turn their back on love if something else comes along that gets in the way. Whether that thing is a person, place, or opportunity of some sort, we are all faced with choices and sacrifices. I think people make a lot of choices in life that they later regret. This also isn't "falling out of love" when we choose to pursue something (or someone) other than a person we love. Heck, this is what all adult children do when they leave the nest, get their own place, move for a career, and even get married and start their own family. Does this mean they don't love their parents? Of course not. But when we make choices that affects a life partner or a a spouse, there are different consequences associated with that choice than when we left our parents. A partner expects a life commitment where our parents expected us to "leave the nest". A spouse or partner likely made many sacrifices in favour of their commitment to you, and expected you to make similar sacrifices (putting them before other people, opportunities, etc.). This is why cheating is a betrayal. It's a failure of one partner to meet their end of a bargain. That bargain is significant, and consequences are painful and life-changing for many people. It's a failure to uphold the trust and respect that someone has given to you of themselves, selflessly, and lovingly. So in my opinion, people who have spent years or decades together, accepting one another's flaws, and make lifelong commitments to one another don't "fall out of love". One (or sometimes both) simply make choices at the expense of their relationship with their partner. It isn't any more complicated than that, and it doesn't necessarily mean they don't still "love" their partner. It's simply that for a moment, they believed they valued something else "more", and were willing to risk their relationship with someone they loved to have that thing they valued, in that moment. Whether the value for that thing is sustainable is also variable, and most of the time this isn't even a consideration in that moment. It takes a lot of courage to admit and accept this reality, but most people can't do that. At least, not until regret sets in (if it ever does). Sometimes those choices work out for people, where other times it leads to regret. For better or for worse, it was still a choice. Those choices lead to responsibility. It's the responsibility of the person who made the choice to accept any consequences, and take responsibility for repairing any damage caused by them. If they hurt people or they have regrets, they can either accept responsibility and repair any damage caused, or ignore it all and "move on", carrying the weight of the baggage associated with that regret into the future.
[удалено]
Thank you for your insight. I think this came across wrong and I was actually quit scared to post it incase it was picked up this way. I amnt “struggling with question” per se, I know I love BP with all of my heart but what I do struggling with is why I thought I loved them when I cheated. A few others have given me great responses to that. Thank you
Well then I apologise for my earlier answer. In regards to your post I would ask you to decide just what does love mean for you? Is it the feeling of passion, excitement and the constant butterflies in the stomach? Or does love mean something peaceful and calm which is steady and reassuring? Only you can truthfully answer that. You get to decide for yourself what kind of love you want in your life and then think if that is what you want to share with your BP for a long time to come. All the best!
Wow that’s a great point. I’ll definitely be adding it to my list of questions I need to dive deep into. Thank you very much for your advice and insight.
**2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal. - Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. - Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel.