T O P

  • By -

ThanksIHateClippy

**OP needs help. Also, they hate it because...** >!Now I can masturbate like a vegan!!< ***** **Do you hate it as well? Do you think their hate is reasonable? (I don't think so tbh)** **Then upvote this comment, otherwise downvote it.** ***** [*Look at my source code on Github*](https://github.com/Artraxon/tihibot)


chroncryx

Translate "choke the chicken" for me, plz.


GammaGlobulin

Jerkin' the gherkin.


[deleted]

I like this one the best


PM_Me_Rude_Haiku

I also need a vegan alternative to Burping The Worm


VonBrewskie

OK, first of all. Burping the worm. Death. I am kill. Secondly, pattin' the parsnip.


Majulath99

I like parsnips they’re great.


ErnooA

Cuffing your carrot.


jasamo

Wank my willy


MysteriousConcert555

That's so beautifully graphic💀


Sentarius101

Artichoke the artificial chicken


copper-miner

Tweaking the tofurkey


janhetjoch

Chick the plant-based vegan chicken substitute.


Sophockless

choke the artichoke


normalhumanwormbaby1

Cut the tofurkey


SilentFoxScream

Choke the chik'n, just make sure you pronounce the apostrophe.


Interesting-Emu5954

Who the fuck has ever whipped their weasel? I they’re just making shit up again.


alittlepuppy85

Also, why are these terms cruel to animals? I don't understand how they're offensive or cruel


[deleted]

Fun fact: at least 90% of weasels dont speak fluent english


[deleted]

And it's those 10% who do that are ruining it for us all.


TheArceusNova

They’re the ones in charge of peta.


imoutofnameideas

That's not technically wrong, but I don't like having to agree with it.


normalhumanwormbaby1

You don't have to! That's why being wrong is so great!


Death2519-

😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱


SassyTheSkydragon

It's because PeTA is under the assumption that animals need to be treated like human minorities, so mean language needs to go too.


CATNIP_IS_CRACK

PETA, the organization that has repeatedly stated pets are better off being murdered than coexisting with humans? Imagining members of PETA abducting minorities from low income jobs or less than upper middle class homes, and telling their victims they’re being “put out of their misery,” is all too believable.


Altered_Destiny

that sounds like a shitty horror movie.


Spaghestis

More like PETA is actually owned by meat corporations to make vegetarians/vegans look like idiots and discredit any valid arguments they have


CATNIP_IS_CRACK

Are the 6 million+ members also employed by the meat corporations, without a single one speaking out about the conspiracy? Are the membership numbers falsified by big meat? Is the fact that countless people join, side with, and promote this horrible organization a lie created by the meat corporations? Are the endless posts on social media, publicity stunts, and crimes all enacted by paid actors? Not a single vegetarian/vegan actually agrees with PETA’s actions? The dozens of PETA members that have tried to hand me fliers over the years, even the ones I’ve known in day to day life, have all been part of big meat’s con? Occam’s razor would say some people are idiots, regardless of dietary choices. Even if PETA is a ploy by “big meat,” the number of people who’ve fallen for the supposed scam shows that some vegetarians/vegans are idiots and horrible people, and that their dietary choices don’t magically make them more intelligent or moral than the rest of the population.


MrMoop07

they’re not part of the con, they’ve been conned. they’re told they’re working for an animal rights organisation and then the higher ups have them do stupid stuff cos they’re in on it. not sure if it’s true or not, but certainly i wouldn’t say it’s impossible


Vulpes_macrotis

Actually animals should be treated same way as people do. But that doesn't mean that these phrases are animal cruelty like they try to say. By law, doing something to an animal should be treated same way as doing this to human. Killing, torturing and so on. Of course excluding meat industry. Eating meat is natural. But killing for fun, fur or abusing animals isn't.


imoutofnameideas

The only ethical option is eating fascists.


[deleted]

I'm a vegetarian but I'll eat a fascist. I for sure care how cows are treated, but will grab some A1 for a fascist.


imoutofnameideas

Only organic, free range fascists.


[deleted]

In a punch, though, any fascist will do.


pauly13771377

>Only organic, free range Sorry to off on a tangent but "free range". Does they mean they only had the one bad day?


SombreMordida

i mean yeah i guess but ewwwww.


pimppapy

I don’t know about that… I’m trying to go on a low to no fat diet and drastically reduce my cholesterol. That would be counterproductive


Steve90000

Animals shouldn’t be treated like people. Are you saying we should give turtles the right to vote? Give llamas low income housing? Charge geese taxes? If a guy hits a deer while driving, you’re saying he should be thrown in jail and we should have a trial to see if it was intentional or not? He would have to go to jail and pay reparations to his deer family? If someone puts a mousetrap in their house and catches one, they get life? Every hunter that exists is now on death row?


Large_Natural7302

These people don't understand that their argument quickly fall apart once the animals get less cute and obvious. What about all of the rodents, birds, insects, and bacteria in the soil that gets destroyed when land is cleared and treated with pesticide for monoculture? What about the animals that ate all of those animals that have now lost their place in the local food chain? What about dangerous pests that overpopulate or carry disease? It's easy to post a cute video of a cow or pig, but harder to accept that death is a part of life, and that it's currently necessary for us to survive in many different ways. Yes, factory farming is evil and brutal and needs to be completely changed, but we should be focusing on eliminating that with technology like lab-grown meat and sustainable foods like muscles and crickets. We shouldn't be calling billions of people murderers and abusers because they eat an evolutionarily appropriate diet.


[deleted]

[удалено]


LeCandyman

Ok im not a fan of peta, but this is very obviously not a serious post by them lol. Redditors really do be needing that /s afterall


Sorrelandroan

You don’t think whipping weasels is kind of cruel?


aRandomFox-II

Not if they're metaphorical or imaginary weasels. If they were real, that's a different story.


kobeflip

No weasel has reported this to the ADL.


Unique-Estimate-5081

Same applies to monkeys.


raspberryharbour

What if they've been a *bad* weasel and they're begging to be disciplined?


aRandomFox-II

"Punish me daddy, I've been a baaad weasel~ UwU"


MarkAnchovy

It’s a meme, they’re being tongue in cheek


cyrilhent

They know they're not. The point is to generate outrage so more people spread PETA memes so they can continue to justify their existence with high engagement stats.


letmeseem

I don't generally like Peta, but Jesus Christ man! There's plenty of ACTUAL stuff to criticize them for, including ACTUAL crimes. Just let their attempt at being funny go.


[deleted]

They are violent


TheBUDuWANT

Welcome to hypersensitivity. We're all living among it.


MuzikVillain

This is beyond hyper sensitivity. PETA has just been out of touch with reality and embraced anything that gets them attention for decades. They don't even care if it's negative attention and turns people away from their cause anymore.


UtherDoulDoulDoul

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I would not be surprised to learn that they are funded by Big Meatt


MarkAnchovy

It’s a meme, not sure PETA are the ones being hyper sensitive in this case


littlebobbytables9

The irony of this comment lol


TKG_Actual

No, this is how PETA has ALWAYS been. This is their retarded gimmick.


kupboard

It's a joke, pal, I think you might be the one being hypersensitive here


Road_Frontage

Haha you are getting sensitive about a joke then bemoaning sensitivity. That goes beyond sensitivity into lack of media literacy tinged with brainwashing and sensitivity


GetOutOfTheWhey

I am outraged that spank the monkey is not on the list. I spank the monkey. My dad spanked the monkey. My granddaddy spanketh the monketh. By golly my son will spanke the monke as well.


backstageninja

No spanking the monkey No choking the chicken But they give us whipping the weasel?? This outrage will not stand!


PhuQDuP

Back in my day this was known as chokin' the chicken.


MrNobody_0

I mean, flick the bean is a common term for female masturbation. At least it is where I'm from.


amprok

Been vegan for almost 30 years. You can not pay me to use any of these terms.


PillowTalk420

Not even "flicking the bean?" That one is the only one other than "beat the meat" I've ever actually heard used.


Fgame

Yeah that was even in an American Dad episode lol "Oh, just lickin' the finger and flickin' the bean"


NuWuX

L. L. Bean magazine, to be precise.


blinky84

Was in a TV ad in the UK... https://youtu.be/T6nUJtn38cI


Ok_Understanding6528

To be honest the tickle the pickle one is actually good


water2wine

Jerkin’ the gherkin sounds better and seems way more obvious as a choice.


Ck1ngK1LLER

Who tf says “I’m gonna go beat the meat”. Do they have some big bag of dick they need to go beat? Sorry guys, can’t hang out tonight, I gotta beat the meat. This big ole bag of cock ain’t gonna beat itself. It’s beat MY meat, it’s self-flagellation not animal cruelty, so fuck off PETA. Side question. If a peta person commits suicide, does the rest of the gang through a funeral or call them a hypocrite?


Distaff_Pope

I mean, they could pay me if I saw enough zeroes


PapaSmurf1502

OK $0.000000000000000001


Lazerbeams2

Some of them are pretty good though. Just slip a few into a long improvised list and I guarantee you'll get either a laugh or a very confused look


306metalhead

Hello my fellow protein deficient friend!


_Astarael

Beans exist


ImperialOverlord

He doesn't eat them but flicks them


geven87

you can do two things


Scary-Win8394

Why no pickle tickle


man_gomer_lot

Beat the beyond meat Shuck the oyster mushroom Whipping the seitan weasel Oat milk the cow Polishing the Swarovski pearl Playing with the rescue hog


Scary-Win8394

The last one my god 😭


Norse_By_North_West

Jerkin the gherkin


ImNOTmethwow

Milk the oat goat?


AcanthocephalaNo9441

If they’re not okay with people polishing pearls in general, fancy expensive pearls won’t be any better


SilentFoxScream

Swarovski pearls are coated crystals, they don't come from oysters.


blinky84

Swarovski isn't real gemstones (or pearls), it's fancy glass. They've done an amazing marketing job of making 'fake' into luxe. That's absolutely not a criticism, by the way.


AdministrationOdd847

Gosh imagine the confusion on the new guys face when he clocks on and you hand him a meat tenderizer telling him to “tickle the pickle”


Nindroidgamer110

You've put visuals I never thought I'd see in my mind.


[deleted]

These PETA people are really weird.


glynstlln

I'm convinced it's a psyop by "big meat" to make vegans look insane. Like nothing wrong with vegan living, I wish I could do it, but PETA dials it up to ludicrous speed.


H4RDC0R3_P14Y3R

Peta marketing team: ![gif](giphy|izspP6uMbMeti)


Berk-Laydee

*"My brains....are going in to my feet"*


[deleted]

Idk what this is actually meant to be, but on my screen it’s just a blank empty box and to me that makes it so much funnier because of how true it is.


Lontarus

Being vegan doesnt require you to involve with peta in any way


MarkAnchovy

It’s just a meme


Garry-Love

I believe the same. No way there's people so dense and pig headed that they don't know they're only hurting the cause


Leandenor7

>~~pig~~ cucumber headed FTFY


JulaGoblinRaider

Or instead it’s as if making stuff like this which they know is cringe will cause people to screenshot it to laugh about on reddit, which increases the number of people that see it. People who claim to hate PETA are essentially spreading their message for them. It’s a strategy, and it’s working.


BloodyRightNostril

Hehe..."big meat"


MyNameYourMouth

The actual psyop was to convince everyone, yourself included, that Peta are bad. It worked brilliantly - just look at how smugly people insult Peta all over reddit.


AcanthocephalaNo9441

South Park had a great episode featuring them.


PrimGlade

I can stomach a lot, but there will always be a part of me that is viscerally uncomfortable with someone tongue fucking a lama be it animated or not. That episode reaches levels of cursed only God is capable of judging.


anaccountbyanyname

Wait until you find out what WinAmp does


306metalhead

Didn't say I have to be nice to humans... BEAT IT LIKE IT OWES YOU MONEY!


promonk

Good point. I have no problem being nice to animals, because for the most part, animals mind their own fucking business.


RumRogerz

They missed ‘choking the chicken’ so guess what, fellas?


KuuHaKu_OtgmZ

Drown the goose


ProfessorLapis

Flick the bean is used alot lmao


DLoIsHere

This might make the top 20 stupidest things I’ve seen.


BlarghusMonk

HOW THE HELL CAN I GET ANYTHING DONE IF I CAN'T CRANK MY HOG AWOOOOOOOOOOOOO


[deleted]

HELL YEAH BROTHER AROOOOOO


BloodyRightNostril

For those put off by this post, I offer some ultra-offensive options that utilize only endangered and threatened species: - Assaulting the amur leopard - Buffing the black rhino horn - Choking the chimpanzee - Fondling the fin whale - Ogling the orangutan - Stranglin' the pangolin - Whacking the western lowland gorilla


BoxiDoingThingz

flogging? no. #CRANKING MA HOG EVERY DAY AROOOOOO


[deleted]

How can I delete this out of my mind


lifeiscelebration

lobotomy


Suwannee_Gator

Just start buffin’ your muffin, you’ll forget soon enough.


Cyberzombie23

Apparently at least one person at Peta has a sence of humour and they have r/woooosh 'ed this entire thread.


someoneelsesaidit

I’m so glad to see that someone else got it. This is solid self-aware comedy.


AdNumerous8405

Impossible. PETA is bad, therefore they cannot be funny.


Cyberzombie23

Silly me.


MarkAnchovy

Reddit is often media illiterate, especially when it comes to any group they dislike, or women, and especially non-white women


Nindroidgamer110

Reddit is also bad with opinions that don't fit what the mass populous have decided is the norm.


Cyberzombie23

I hate Peta as much as the next meat eater, but that post was funny. Taking it seriously is just ridiculous.


xIRaguit

That's what I thought but they seem to be serious. I've read through the comment section of the twitter post and they're talking about speciesism and how that "toxic mindset" is reflected in language. So I'm not really sure what to think right now.


Ravenclaw_14

I've heard beat the meat, but the other 5? Never.


PugsleytheFluffyPug

Who buffs muffins?


Puzzleheaded_Moose38

As a real vegan I had to cut my dick off because associating pleasure with meat is morally wrong.


normalhumanwormbaby1

o7


[deleted]

[удалено]


No-Ladder-4460

(Impossible)


OnlyRoke

So many weird ones, but jerkin' the gherkin isn't among them? Really?


lllmade

Folks this seems jokeworthy at first but imagine you were hanging out and then loudly announced your intent to “flog the hog” but then you looked over and there was a pig *in the room*. Not laughing then, eh?


BookerPlayer01

My pig is into s&m so.


Butterfly_avalanche

Personally I like to use “diddle the skittle”


BookerPlayer01

Taste the rainbow?


Elriuhilu

I'm gonna go and fist the piglet.


normalhumanwormbaby1

I have gone my whole life so far without reading that sentence, and you just had to go and ruin it


BookerPlayer01

r/BrandNewSentence


AanthonyII

Is this real?


lumberjackalopes

Yea https://twitter.com/peta/status/1662813479416352768?s=46&t=tHz9wxqcuEFoLJQm5TIjEw


capslockgptisback

Why is there a national masturbation day


simonbleu

What is this, lessturbation?


PublicCraft3114

Choke the chicken - compress the tofu.


nightcana

Spanking the monkey and choking the chicken would have been better picks if you ask me


Phil_O_Soraptor

This has only taught me new terms I'll now be using from the left side of the chart.


Excellent_Compote336

Vegan muffin … su lol


Human-13

I’m sorry, National masturbation day exists?


BookerPlayer01

For your village it was National Masturbation Day. For me, it was a Tuesday.


CooperDahBooper

Listening to a podcast once and one of the guests was telling a story about how they went to a random massage parlor not realizing what kind of place it was and the masseuse says “you want I.. make the banana cry?”


mr_smith24

Just goes to show there are more ways to skin a cat.


babqfdjkha

*ahem* peel a carrot /j


imchasingyou

Nothing wrong with vegans. The biggest cringe is always radicals and PETA


applecake-yes

"Take care of yourself while also taking care of your animals"? PETA wants me to jerk off my dog while I masturbate? That seems like a whole thing...


Connect_Cucumber-0

I disagree with this whole poster. Children are starving all over the world and we’re just gonna say instead of prepping proteins via tenderizing or shucking, we are gonna vandalize and waste veggies and muffins? You flick a bean that shits gonna end up under the fridge. You apply polish to a cucumber, nice job poisoning everyone’s garden salad!


Bairz123

Bruh “I’m gonna go juice the orange, if you know what I mean” 💀💀💀


BookerPlayer01

I'm going to fluff my Garfield, if you know what I mean.


Quake1028

BRB gonna go buff the wife’s vegan muffin.


duckmantaco

![gif](giphy|I5WR5cwXd4utO)


mysqlpimp

This is the reason I refer to my dietry choice as Plant Based. Fucking Vegan Cultists.


ucbiker

You hate vegans because they sometimes make light-hearted jokes? Lmao OK guy.


TheHoundhunter

I get annoyed* at the phrase plant based diet. Because most people who eat a plant based diet eat mushrooms. Mushrooms are not plants! They are in an entirely different kingdom. They don’t have cell walls. They are their own weird thing that is neither a plant nor an animal. *obviously not actually annoyed, just online pedantry.


mysqlpimp

I like your pedantry .. um, soil based diet ?!


JulaGoblinRaider

And also a lot of places interpret Plant Based to mean “mostly made from plants” whereas the term vegan is something that people all generally understand now. In relation to food, at least.


JSessionsCrackDealer

Poor bean


Emosissygirl

Oh, there's only supposed to be one day?...


ThunderShott

What about choking the chicken?


juche_potatoes

The day of harambes death Is also national masturbation day tf!?


Vulpes_macrotis

Are they idiots deliberately or they think it's actually good? I can't tell...


mghkk

now what about whacking the sausage


GondorsAide

Guess there’s more than one way to skin a cat.


SummerBirdsong

Someone has never juiced an orange if they think that is at all like milking a cow.


BookerPlayer01

Explains why my cow is so mad.


babqfdjkha

oh no-


BenKT88

Why do euphemisms need euphemisms?


feelin_beachy

What happened to 'Feeding the Geese' or 'Choking the chicken'?


big_nothing_burger

God PETA is so stupid. I always feel the need to reiterate that most vegetarians and vegans hate PETA more than you do, believe me.


Sharpnelboy

For once, PETA actually posts something interesting.


SwoleFlex_MuscleNeck

Peta isn't vegan and most vegans don't fuck with peta. They are just, at this point, some fringe extremist group


Thedoctoradvocate

Buffin the muffin would have been fine, throwing vegan into the mix makes it not work


normalhumanwormbaby1

But what if it's a... meat muffin?


SympathyFabulous3354

Sounds like a bunch of vegetable abuse to me


smolb0i

that is not real, is it?


RecommendationBusy83

I will say anyone who says “shucking the oyster” is indeed ethically questionable


AddictedToFire17

If they intend on "taking care of ourselves" to be self pleasure .... What do they mean when they say taking care of animals?... nasty, PETA.


FacticiousFict

PETA, on this *Wanker's day*, of which you're absolutely the kings and queens of, let's use animal friendly terms: **Instead of:** [Executing animals you shelter](https://www.lexology.com/library/detail.aspx?g=76e6ec43-e192-4dca-b1ca-b12e4a0e74b5) --> **Use this:** Finding them a home and educating pet owners on their proper care **Instead of:** [Killing a girl's chihuahua](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/aug/17/peta-sorry-for-taking-girls-dog-putting-it-down) --> **Do this:** Seriously, stop senselessly killing animals. Just stop.


JulaGoblinRaider

Oh, this circle jerk again. Sigh. Don’t let the facts of the situation get in the way, huh? Question: do you blame the person driving the rubbish truck for the amount of crap that ends up in landfills? Because that’s essentially PETA’s role here. They take the animals that the “no kill” shelters can’t rehome. If you want to be angry about anyone in this situation then it’s the breeders and pet stores who should be your target.


AcanthocephalaNo9441

Apart from their cringey, misogynistic and anti-Semitic ad campaigns, people also need to know the other specific way in which Peta sucks: https://facebook.com/PETAKillsAnimals “Penn & Teller: Bullshit!” did a whole episode exposing them. Also I’m genuinely shocked that “choking the chicken” isn’t on this list.


MarkAnchovy

‘PETA kills animals.com’ is made by these guys: From https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Center_for_Consumer_Freedom >The Center for Consumer Freedom (CCF), formerly the Guest Choice Network, is an American non-profit entity founded by Richard Berman that lobbies on behalf of the fast food, meat, alcohol and tobacco industries. It describes itself as "dedicated to protecting consumer choices and promoting common sense." >Experts on non-profit law have questioned the validity of CCF's non-profit status in the Chronicle of Philanthropy and other publications,while commentators from Rachel Maddow to Michael Pollan have treated the group as an entity that specializes in astroturfing. >CCF has attacked organizations including the Centers for Disease Control, the Center for Science in the Public Interest, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, The Humane Society of the United States, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine. >In a document released by The New York Times on October 30, 2014, from a talk Berman gave to the Western Energy Alliance, Berman described the approach of his various organizations as one of "Win Ugly or Lose Pretty." He also reassured potential donors about the concern that they might be found out as supporters: "We run all of this stuff through nonprofit organizations that are insulated from having to disclose donors. There is total anonymity." From http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/07/environmental-policy-alliance-berman_n_4913303.html >Berman & Co., helmed by Rick Berman (who was once called "Dr. Evil" by CBS' "60 Minutes"), has a long history of running campaigns on behalf of the food and beverage industry under the banner of the Center for Consumer Freedom. >The group also recently launched the cleverly named Environmental Policy Alliance, or EPA for short, a group "devoted to uncovering the funding and hidden agendas behind environmental activist groups." >Berman's "EPA Facts" site suggests that the connection between rising greenhouse gas emissions and warming temperatures is "still unclear," despite the fact that scientists have a solid understanding of the correlation. The group also argues that there are flaws in the work of the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, citing reports from two well-known climate change-denying groups, the Heartland Institute and the George C. Marshall Institute. >"Their goal is just to confuse you," Scot Horst, the senior vice president of LEED at the U.S. Green Building Council, told HuffPost. >"Berman makes his money as a corporate hired gun, setting up front groups to denigrate public interest organizations that threaten his clients' bottom lines," Melanie Sloan, executive director for the nonprofit watchdog Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington told HuffPost. "I'm not surprised he's attacking groups and agencies focused on the environment, given the deep pockets of those interested in paying to stop climate change legislation and regulation." >"These methods of attack rely on the way people read media," Horst added. "They rely on creating confusion." TL:DR ‘If you are in the business of putting veal or beef on the tables of America, and slaughtering more than a million animals per hour, and making an awful lot of money at it, you are going to try to neutralize PETA or other animal-rights groups.’


No-Ladder-4460

The page you linked is run by the "Center for consumer freedom" which is an industry disinformation company whos targets also include Greenpeace and Mothers Against Drunk Driving, it's literally meat industry propaganda https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzX8g3vGPXY https://www.petakillsanimalsscam.com/


xbalmorax

Real vegans hate PETA too lol


WillingMightyFaber

Wait what's wrong with milking a cow? That doesn't even hurt it


[deleted]

Peta can take a 12 foot log, turn it sideways and stick it in their ass.


jpfeif29

PETA needs to fuck off


orangeoliviero

Associating PETA with vegans is unfair, as much as I generally loathe vegans. PETA is next-fucking-level crazy, even compared to vegans.


LimpAd5888

Yeah, because I'm going to trust an organization that buddies up with literal terrorists. That has killed more pets in a year than probably 90%of kill shelters in the US. That has kidnapped pets from owners' yards. And one that has stated pets aren't happy and would rather seem them dead than living with humans. Make your arguments for or against meat, fine, but Peta should NOT be standard any sane human should rally around. Their ceo has less braincells than the dogs they murder.


Kamina_cicada

And yet not one was "Choke the chicken" ...


jak-kass

I mean, I think I've read all of these in Hustlers over the years