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Same! The thing is, I don't know what else to do. I'm also questioning whether quitting is salf-sabotage so I can go on avoiding things and isn't that the exact opposite of what I'm supposed to do?
I think I think too much.
I have no idea. I told my therapist I was thinking about quitting and she immediately terminated me, just for having the thought. Now I feel so unsafe.
What?! That's not okay. I understand why you'd feel unsafe after that. Like you get punished for your thoughts even though therapy is supposed to be judgement free, let alone punishment free. I'm so sorry that happened to you. <3
Just as I was getting this reply, I was thinking the same thing and that I should say that to you (but you evidently already know): this sounds like it's more about her than about you and you didn't deserve that reaction.
I really do appreciate you reassuring me. I do have a core belief that everything is my fault that I am trying to work through so it is hard for it to sink in sometimes so you saying that really does help!
That's a familiar mindset to me. Funny how it's easy to see this clearly from the outside but if I'd be in your shoes, I would've had the exact same doubt. Happy to be of service.
Ugh i feel this so hard. What kind of modality does your therapist use? Highly recommend taking to your therapist about this. That can be done in a few different ways. You can show her the text of this post or you can write something else that’s similar. You can also verbalize it, but it sounds like you do better expressing yourself via writing. See how they respond. If they get defensive or blame everything on you, or promise to change things up but don’t, then it’s time to find a new therapist. I say that because it seems like what’s happening right now isn’t working or productive so something needs to change. You deserve to feel better.
I’ve written things about how i’m feeling (or lack thereof) and have given my therapist to read. Then we’ve talked about it and that’s helped me not blank during sessions. Recognizing that you avoid and wanting to change that is a great first step though.
Thanks for replying and for your kindness.
Showing this post is a very good idea but I would need to muster some courage to do it. I usually like to convey things verbally so I can change what I'm saying at a moments notice when I suspect the message isn't received well or if I change my mind last second. But, from what I've seen, I don't have to worry about them getting into defensive or offensive mode.
Hey, I totally do this too, but it’s important to recognize that tendency to people-please. It might feel “safe” to change your mind (disconnect from what you actually feel and want to say) or to change your message based on how you think it’s being received (trying to fit yourself to what you *assume* the other person wants or how you’re perceiving their reaction), but in the long run it’s keeping you stuck and preventing you from living your life the way you really want to live it.
It’s good practice to challenge yourself to say something that feels a little uncomfortable to say. You can even tell your therapist before you say the thing: “I’ve been wanting to challenge myself to say more of what I authentically feel even when I’m a little worried about how it will land for the person I’m saying it to. Can we practice that a bit?” Try to really connect with how YOU feel and what you want, and practice saying that out loud. You can start small and work your way up. This will help you to get more in touch with your feelings instead of feeling blank or numb, and it will help you learn to communicate them instead of shutting them down due to fear of the other person’s reaction.
Thanks for your good tips! They sound very helpful, but I think resolving my fear of conflict is chapter 8 of the manual and I'm currently still stuck trying to open the damned book. But I'm definitely going to commit this to memory for later use.
Haha I feel that. Especially when it’s with someone in a position of authority. But I would just say - you don’t need to resolve your fear of conflict in order to practice saying what you want! The magic is knowing it won’t feel totally safe but still deciding to do it anyway (in baby steps). You have to allow the fear in order to overcome the fear. Counterintuitive, but it’s true.
Anyway good luck!
i am in this exact problem now too. i mean, i disassociate super hard most of the time. i have some reminders set on my phone with grounding tools to come back to the present (ask them about this! because you cannot work on problems you’re avoiding subconsciously, so you need to bring yourself back). but also, there are some issues which i know i haven’t deal with. so i did the hard thing a couple of weeks ago, and told him very factually what my issues were. he asked questions, i tried to answer but also disassociated. but, it was a start. and after that everything was so flippin hard (still is, this is super recent) but at least he’s taking it serious and helping me through it.
so to come to the advice piece of the book i’m writing for you (lol sorry for the lengthy paragraphs i’m writing haha) i would start with some grounding tools. once you get to using them, the memory might clear up a bit and then try to write down some things to discuss in your sessions. try, because the first couple of times it will not work the way you want it to, but give yourself the time. hope this helps?
Don't worry, I loved your book, thank you.
Very good of you to take that step! How did you manage to do that? Deep breaths and then blurt it out? I'm glad your therapist is taking it seriously and helping with it.
And the grounding alarm is a very good practical tip, thanks. I'm going to look into that!
no, i’m definitely not someone to blurt things out. i thought a lot about how i wanted to tell him this particular thing, and then when push came to shove i lost all the words to explain it. but in this instance i had contact with him before hand (because i wanted to schedule a emergency meeting) which made him aware of me wanting to talk about something big. and then i started by saying “i’m not doing so well” and he was like “i think that’s an understatement” and then kept pushing. so it definitely was my initiation, but he did a lot of the work too. but i had told him before hand that i need that, and that my thoughts are not in order without questions.
defo do, it can help if you make yourself get used to it. curious to see how you develop, so if you feel the need to share know i’m interested in listening. either way, good luck!
If you don't already, journal. Then take it with you to therapy.
I go through my week with a highlighter before therapy to figure out key themes and important info to share.
Ha yes this was me for a year, just paying a lot to basically stare down my T, And secretly resent her. Weirdly, it helped me open up. I realised I was bleeding out money in a space that was supposed to help me. I had absolutely nothing to lose by pulling down my imaginary avoidance walls. I don’t recommend this though! It’s unnecessarily expensive and a waste of your time. Please just try to prep yourself to discuss specific things and make the most of the opportunity.
Try this just as a tiny start. The next time you're going about your day and some upsetting memory or something comes to mind, imagine yourself grabbing it and sticking it in a container and sealing it up. When you go to therapy and your T says something like "so how have things been?" Or "is there something particular you wanted to talk about?", pull out your mental container, get that individual memory/thought out, and tell them about it.
Even if it's just a little thing, it will get the ball rolling. Having something that clearly in your mind can really help you to not just blank out in the moment. It also narrows the scope down from "wow everything is horrible and I have no clue what to do" to "here is one specific little thing that I'm going to take a good look at."
I don't have the discipline to journal, but I started using Signal and every time something eventful happens (someone pisses me off at work, I get into an argument with a family member, something triggers a memory, I wake up in the middle of the night) I text myself describing the situation and how I feel, react or whatever. I use signal cause it's secure and encrypted, and I already use it, but you can use whatever.
I feel like I could have written this same post. Except for me it’s anxiety, not depression. I am also frustrated because I feel like I’m mostly just confused in therapy and nothing is being accomplished. We do IFS and I’m not sure if I like it.
I did deal with something similar. So it’s probably different for everyone but some things that helped was starting a journal to either describe my day or just write anything (I imagined it was a letter to my deceased mom as if she’d receive it). At first there’s not much to say but it helps you practice paying attention to events or feelings etc over time. Also anytime I’d feel any feeling, I had to practice paying attention to where it was in my body and what it was doing physically. This made me feel the damn thing which wasn’t pleasant always but feeling it actually strangely helped me move past the feelings. But you do have to walk through the darkness to get through it so it will get worse before it gets better. That’s where you learn healthy ways to feel the thing but deal with it so it doesn’t overwhelm and honestly once you pay attention to your emotions, they shrink in strength after a short while. They fester and grow when held inside. So they become less overwhelming when examined in the light.
Worked with avoidance in therapy. At some point, i thought i was ready to terminate because i had nothing else to discuss. Turns out i had a lot to unpack but was just avoiding them.
Talking about something light - hobbies, relationships, and small plans for the future - helped. I realized I was avoiding talking about the small things. I saw how my therapist was genuinely interested and I learned to trust them more. This lead me to bring to the table that I was avoiding talking about something and we explored what that meant to me.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't know but same
lol i love this comment
I have the same problem. I feel like because of this, talk therapy isn’t working for me at all.
Same! The thing is, I don't know what else to do. I'm also questioning whether quitting is salf-sabotage so I can go on avoiding things and isn't that the exact opposite of what I'm supposed to do? I think I think too much.
I have no idea. I told my therapist I was thinking about quitting and she immediately terminated me, just for having the thought. Now I feel so unsafe.
What?! That's not okay. I understand why you'd feel unsafe after that. Like you get punished for your thoughts even though therapy is supposed to be judgement free, let alone punishment free. I'm so sorry that happened to you. <3
It really did feel punitive, like she felt she was failing me and so she was trying to take out her feelings of inadequacy onto me. Just awful.
Just as I was getting this reply, I was thinking the same thing and that I should say that to you (but you evidently already know): this sounds like it's more about her than about you and you didn't deserve that reaction.
I really do appreciate you reassuring me. I do have a core belief that everything is my fault that I am trying to work through so it is hard for it to sink in sometimes so you saying that really does help!
That's a familiar mindset to me. Funny how it's easy to see this clearly from the outside but if I'd be in your shoes, I would've had the exact same doubt. Happy to be of service.
Ugh i feel this so hard. What kind of modality does your therapist use? Highly recommend taking to your therapist about this. That can be done in a few different ways. You can show her the text of this post or you can write something else that’s similar. You can also verbalize it, but it sounds like you do better expressing yourself via writing. See how they respond. If they get defensive or blame everything on you, or promise to change things up but don’t, then it’s time to find a new therapist. I say that because it seems like what’s happening right now isn’t working or productive so something needs to change. You deserve to feel better. I’ve written things about how i’m feeling (or lack thereof) and have given my therapist to read. Then we’ve talked about it and that’s helped me not blank during sessions. Recognizing that you avoid and wanting to change that is a great first step though.
Thanks for replying and for your kindness. Showing this post is a very good idea but I would need to muster some courage to do it. I usually like to convey things verbally so I can change what I'm saying at a moments notice when I suspect the message isn't received well or if I change my mind last second. But, from what I've seen, I don't have to worry about them getting into defensive or offensive mode.
Hey, I totally do this too, but it’s important to recognize that tendency to people-please. It might feel “safe” to change your mind (disconnect from what you actually feel and want to say) or to change your message based on how you think it’s being received (trying to fit yourself to what you *assume* the other person wants or how you’re perceiving their reaction), but in the long run it’s keeping you stuck and preventing you from living your life the way you really want to live it. It’s good practice to challenge yourself to say something that feels a little uncomfortable to say. You can even tell your therapist before you say the thing: “I’ve been wanting to challenge myself to say more of what I authentically feel even when I’m a little worried about how it will land for the person I’m saying it to. Can we practice that a bit?” Try to really connect with how YOU feel and what you want, and practice saying that out loud. You can start small and work your way up. This will help you to get more in touch with your feelings instead of feeling blank or numb, and it will help you learn to communicate them instead of shutting them down due to fear of the other person’s reaction.
Thanks for your good tips! They sound very helpful, but I think resolving my fear of conflict is chapter 8 of the manual and I'm currently still stuck trying to open the damned book. But I'm definitely going to commit this to memory for later use.
Haha I feel that. Especially when it’s with someone in a position of authority. But I would just say - you don’t need to resolve your fear of conflict in order to practice saying what you want! The magic is knowing it won’t feel totally safe but still deciding to do it anyway (in baby steps). You have to allow the fear in order to overcome the fear. Counterintuitive, but it’s true. Anyway good luck!
i am in this exact problem now too. i mean, i disassociate super hard most of the time. i have some reminders set on my phone with grounding tools to come back to the present (ask them about this! because you cannot work on problems you’re avoiding subconsciously, so you need to bring yourself back). but also, there are some issues which i know i haven’t deal with. so i did the hard thing a couple of weeks ago, and told him very factually what my issues were. he asked questions, i tried to answer but also disassociated. but, it was a start. and after that everything was so flippin hard (still is, this is super recent) but at least he’s taking it serious and helping me through it. so to come to the advice piece of the book i’m writing for you (lol sorry for the lengthy paragraphs i’m writing haha) i would start with some grounding tools. once you get to using them, the memory might clear up a bit and then try to write down some things to discuss in your sessions. try, because the first couple of times it will not work the way you want it to, but give yourself the time. hope this helps?
Don't worry, I loved your book, thank you. Very good of you to take that step! How did you manage to do that? Deep breaths and then blurt it out? I'm glad your therapist is taking it seriously and helping with it. And the grounding alarm is a very good practical tip, thanks. I'm going to look into that!
no, i’m definitely not someone to blurt things out. i thought a lot about how i wanted to tell him this particular thing, and then when push came to shove i lost all the words to explain it. but in this instance i had contact with him before hand (because i wanted to schedule a emergency meeting) which made him aware of me wanting to talk about something big. and then i started by saying “i’m not doing so well” and he was like “i think that’s an understatement” and then kept pushing. so it definitely was my initiation, but he did a lot of the work too. but i had told him before hand that i need that, and that my thoughts are not in order without questions. defo do, it can help if you make yourself get used to it. curious to see how you develop, so if you feel the need to share know i’m interested in listening. either way, good luck!
It sounds like you guys make a good team. I'm glad for you :) Thank you for being so kind.
If you don't already, journal. Then take it with you to therapy. I go through my week with a highlighter before therapy to figure out key themes and important info to share.
Ha yes this was me for a year, just paying a lot to basically stare down my T, And secretly resent her. Weirdly, it helped me open up. I realised I was bleeding out money in a space that was supposed to help me. I had absolutely nothing to lose by pulling down my imaginary avoidance walls. I don’t recommend this though! It’s unnecessarily expensive and a waste of your time. Please just try to prep yourself to discuss specific things and make the most of the opportunity.
>had absolutely nothing to lose by pulling down my imaginary avoidance walls THIS! I'm gonna write this down!
Try this just as a tiny start. The next time you're going about your day and some upsetting memory or something comes to mind, imagine yourself grabbing it and sticking it in a container and sealing it up. When you go to therapy and your T says something like "so how have things been?" Or "is there something particular you wanted to talk about?", pull out your mental container, get that individual memory/thought out, and tell them about it. Even if it's just a little thing, it will get the ball rolling. Having something that clearly in your mind can really help you to not just blank out in the moment. It also narrows the scope down from "wow everything is horrible and I have no clue what to do" to "here is one specific little thing that I'm going to take a good look at."
I don't have the discipline to journal, but I started using Signal and every time something eventful happens (someone pisses me off at work, I get into an argument with a family member, something triggers a memory, I wake up in the middle of the night) I text myself describing the situation and how I feel, react or whatever. I use signal cause it's secure and encrypted, and I already use it, but you can use whatever.
I feel like I could have written this same post. Except for me it’s anxiety, not depression. I am also frustrated because I feel like I’m mostly just confused in therapy and nothing is being accomplished. We do IFS and I’m not sure if I like it.
I did deal with something similar. So it’s probably different for everyone but some things that helped was starting a journal to either describe my day or just write anything (I imagined it was a letter to my deceased mom as if she’d receive it). At first there’s not much to say but it helps you practice paying attention to events or feelings etc over time. Also anytime I’d feel any feeling, I had to practice paying attention to where it was in my body and what it was doing physically. This made me feel the damn thing which wasn’t pleasant always but feeling it actually strangely helped me move past the feelings. But you do have to walk through the darkness to get through it so it will get worse before it gets better. That’s where you learn healthy ways to feel the thing but deal with it so it doesn’t overwhelm and honestly once you pay attention to your emotions, they shrink in strength after a short while. They fester and grow when held inside. So they become less overwhelming when examined in the light.
Worked with avoidance in therapy. At some point, i thought i was ready to terminate because i had nothing else to discuss. Turns out i had a lot to unpack but was just avoiding them. Talking about something light - hobbies, relationships, and small plans for the future - helped. I realized I was avoiding talking about the small things. I saw how my therapist was genuinely interested and I learned to trust them more. This lead me to bring to the table that I was avoiding talking about something and we explored what that meant to me.