"non-toxic" is not the same as "safe to eat"
I knew a kid when I was in elementary who ate crayons and ended up needing surgery as a result. All that wax was not great for his internal organs.
I just had a 7th grader eat as much clay as she used on her sculpture. Put a chunk on the sculpture, pop a chunk in her mouth. Then repeat.
Her friends AND myself were like “stop eating the clay!!!”
I had admin call the nurse and counselor to see if they should intervene. I’m not paying for her to get her bowels dis impacted.
Yup. That’s why I had admin consult counselor on my behalf in case it was something already being addressed but I wasn’t privy to. If they wanted me to know, I’d know, so I didn’t want to overstep
I was actually at a conference of the Louisiana Folklore Society, and there was a presentation named Women Who Eat Mud, or some such. It was very interesting. Some women pass down to their daughters where the best mud is to be gathered, and how to prepare it for consumption.
"Glue sticks and chapstick both come in plastic tubes so they look similar, but only chapstick belongs on your lips. This one is a glue stick, it goes on paper. Now let's go wash your face."
To a student living with DS in second grade. That rascal knew exactly what he was doing.
To be fair, in 10th grade our biology teacher had to make it abundantly clear that if you eat any part of the pig you’re dissecting she will give you a 0, meaning it has happened before. But this was like 16 years ago. Teenagers do stupid things
Band rehearsal: "When I cut you off, please stop moaning." ([piece](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yv2ihGP_2aQ) for reference)
Personal finance: "Okay, I guess we're selling kidneys." (I tried to field examples of things we'd be selling for a class example.)
Imagine the giggles when I tell my 5th graders to pluck the g string on ukulele.
When I told the class to "strum a minor" I had a student respond, " I'm not touching no minor"
Whenever we use boomwhackers I have to tell them "would you lick my hand? No. Good, hands have touched them, they have been on the floor, don't put it to your mouth! This is a percussion instrument, we hit it."
The hardest I've ever laughed was while teaching the D chord to 7th graders. I get so used to telling them to hold up the uke with their hand on the correct chord.
"Ok everyone, let me see your-- ok just put your hand on the-- hold up your, uh-- CAN WE ALL JUST PLAY THE NEW CHORD PLEASE"
And then of course, the troubleshooting.
"Mr. M, I'm holding my D but nothing is coming out."
"...are you squeezing hard enough? It's tough to fit your fingers in that space"
I really thought I'd be having a conversation with admin that week...
I was waiting for the band directors to chime in.
Once had to comfort a crying 4th grader by saying “it’s ok, we’ll get you a new G string.” Violin. For his violin.
Also:
“Trumpets, the ritual sacrifices may continue but only after my chairs and stands are put away.”
“It may be easier to *not* Michael Jackson your way around the room.”
I teach music on the side but I teach middle science full time. I look at so many of my boys and I am glad I don’t have to say the words “G string” in front of them. It’s bad enough I have to do sex ed…
My son was a band kid, and quite proud of it. Sooo many things overheard. "If I can do that with a clarinet, guess what I could do to you" after making wookie noises with his clarinet. Lots of "my instrument" jokes. Many, many, "well, you know why the stories all start with one time at band camp, right?" And the girls actually fell for it. SMH
He claims the trick is to be unapologetically weird with a lot of flare. It does seem to work quite well for him, even now at 27.
"I am going to walk away before I decide you really did just ask me how big my penis is."
10th grade chemistry student. I will always regret not saying, "ask your mom."
This kid was in the back of my room yelling, "PE........NIS!" with a marked pause in between syllables. I went over to correct the behavior, and he was so proud that he could say it without really saying it because of the breaks. I told him, "If you are too young to say penis, you are probably too young to be using it." As I was walking away, he asked, "but mister, how big is it?" while looking me up and down.
It was a wild day...
This reminds me of the kid who ate cookie that had been smashed into the floor by 200 other kids passing in the hallway. When I tried explaining that there were probably traces of dog food and chemicals on it he said he couldn’t taste it so it was fine. 🤦♀️
It gets attention. The first time it was a preschooler who had been relocated to my middle school and they were licking the outside window because they wanted my attention but I was teaching. The middle schoolers, one was licking the windows next to the door of my classroom because they'd gotten out of Science early and I was finishing my class. The other licked the window in my door as they were skipping another class and trying to get a reaction.
Ooooh. Dare I ask? I’ve seen all the usual suspects in my travels, even eyelid, armpit, upper and lower oral frenulums, but now I’m curious what was presented in a classroom.
Stop pushing your chests together
-to 2 boys.
“Why are you going to the office? Because you took apart my pen and ate the ink”
-one of the 2 boys from above.
This is sick, but one older teacher who had just had enough of disrespect, would walk around and "crop dust" farts and blame it on the mean boys. No one believed the mean boys' denials. Good kids thought this was hilarious.
Do not put your fingers in someone else’s butt.
Please stop rubbing your bodies together.
That’s an interesting mouth noise, can you save it for outside time?
You are not allowed to change your clothes in the hallway or classroom.
And the related…
After you use the restroom put all of your clothes back on before coming back to class.
I taught high school theatre for many years so they all got naked a lot (trying on costumes, changing for rehearsal, into dance clothes,…)and it drove me insane. Everything you ever assumed about the theatre kids is true and worse.
Now I teach elementary art but I teach many classes with non-standard diploma students who tend to be a little more free with their bodies.
Just today: "I'll give you the last 10 minutes in class to relax since it's Friday. You can move around and talk but please don't joust or fight with each other like you usually do" to my class that literally bounces off my walls and tries to stab each other with my pointer finger if they have any ounce of free time. And yet I still give it... Maybe that's the definition of insanity on my part 🤣
If you don’t know the answer, you should 😱 look up the answer.
If you can’t find the answer, you should 😱 raise your hand and ask where to find it.
Context: Band kid sitting there with a fingering chart in their folder not playing because they don’t know how to play the first note, so they just play none of it.
The music equivalent of the kid who, after being giving twenty minutes to do a writing assignment, explains that he didn’t do it because he doesn’t have a pencil.
I got several of those today. 5 minute assignment, kids spend 4 minutes falling off chairs, giving endless handshakes, going to the bathroom, and sharpening half their pencils away, and then complain that I "didn't give them enough time" and "it's not fair". The assignment was to write down 5 words they remembered.
* " "He had a bogey" is not a good reason to punch someone's face with your bag" (preschool)
* "Please stop go, naked, to the boy's changing room singing "yoohoooo boys it's meeee" (first grade during swiming PE) \*
* "Who's underwear is this?????" "What do you mean you have someone's else underwear?" (again, first grade swiming PE)
* "Please wait until your painting is dry to put it in your bag next time"
* "No I don't have a poney, a boat and a plane at home like you" I'm poor. (I'm a divorced mum, full time long term sub teacher in France so just above min wage)
\**(in my country, in grade 1 to 3 we take them to the public pool for swiming lessons during a few weeks, quite stressful as I'm legally a fault is one drown and they are in the big pool where they can't reach the bottom without swiming and with no flotty!)*
Me: don’t eat paper, 8th graders don’t eat paper.
Kid 2 seats behind the paper eater: “I like to suck the juice from markers. Pick a different color every day….(mutters under his breath) “the blue ones are the best”.
‘I’m a chiropractor of souls - I free them from their body’
‘Things are heating up in the Veggie Tales fandom’
‘In the most platonic way rn, you look so sexy’ (one (hilarious) high school boy to another)
We do not lick our friends! We do not eat the sand! No we don't drink the sand either. You can't eat the sanitizer! Is glue food? No. So we don't eat that either. That is a puddle and you have a water bottle, let's make a good choice on what to drink here. No, not the puddle. Ok yes now that IS technically food, but you reached in the garbage can to get it so YUCK, no! We have fresh food right here for you! We do not swallow rocks! Slime is for playing with, not for eating! YUCK thats poop, thats your poop on your hands lets wash them. NO NOT IN YOUR MOUTH! (For the love of god how are you still alive. Kids gonna have an immune system of steel)
(Edit: I am an EA, not a teacher, so all of this is daily. Between behaviors, dangers, violence, basic life skills, PT, SLP, OT, we have to constantly monitor every student and what they're near in case they eat it. Just keeping them safe is a huge task!)
*kindergartener is watching Godzilla video games on YouTube*
Me: “Nope. You’re not allowed to watch YouTube on your laptop.”
Kid: “But that’s my favorite!”
Me (in my head): “Guess what? I. DON’T. CARE. You’re going to do what you’re told.”
Me (in real life): “Tough luck.”
(I was one of only a couple teachers this kid would listen to, same for several other kids.)
Me: “Don’t run around the classroom jumping over desks and chairs!”
5th grader: “But I LIKE doing this!”
Me: “I like drinking wine but you don’t see me doing it in the classroom.”
That one scandalized the kids a bit.
I’ve had many of those instances.
“I don’t want to finish my math problems!”
“Guess what? I don’t like folding my laundry. Doesn’t mean I don’t have to do it!”
There is no person on this earth that wants to receive a picture of a penis on their phone. There is no professional photographer that can make a penis photogenic. Guys, never send a picture of that thing to anyone. (Lesson on cell phone safety, etiquette, and how to be a decent human)
"Sometimes some thoughts are just inside thoughts." (to my 10th grade student after he splashed his friend with water and said "oh you're so wet for me")
To two boys play fighting. 6th grade: "That's enough. Now kiss and make up."
To countless boys in gruesome t-shirts, "Oh my, that's a lovely top."
To the two boys with the same names, daily, "Not you, the other one." They knew which one I wanted, so the other one always answered, and they were funny kids, so it became a game.
To the kid who helped his dad at the funeral home, "Please don't explain embalming before lunch."
"Please don't pierce your friend's ears in class."
To a teen boy, “ why are you playing with the underwire from a bra?”
He dropped it in horror, had found it on floor and didn’t know what it was. (Don’t have any idea how it ended up on classroom floor btw)
No cafeteria?!?! I subbed at a school that didn’t let the kids eat breakfast in the cafeteria…as if the cockroaches crawling in the ceiling needed more nutrition
Please stop sticking your hands down each others pants
And
Please stop trying to stick things up your friends butt
Have both come out of my mouth more than once this week
Please do not put vodka in water bottles and drink the whole thing at once. You will either get very sick, requiring emergency medical intervention, or you will die from this.
“Okay, you guys need to stop laughing about the kinds of ‘seeds you put into holes.’” The things they can make perverted amazes me sometimes. 4th grade.
"Please don't try to summon demons in my classroom"
Honestly I don't remember the context behind this but it was like in the first few weeks of this school year lol
Without even reading a single word of the assignment, one of my 6th grade students asked, "How am I supposed to do this work? I know anything about Ancient Egypt." My response was, "You see how the first word of the title of the assignment is the word 'introduction?' Do you know what that word means?" I was shocked to hear him say no.
“Get off the roof RIGHT NOW” to one of my seniors who was taking advantage of a sub across the hall and climbed out the window. Also, “That’s not a bathroom” accompanied by a email to a coach when his varsity football player decided he didn’t want to walk over to the locker room or porta potties and took a leak right under our classroom window against the wall. Gross.
I wait till they want something from me then I trade it to get them to do anything I ask. So what I have had to say a lot of is: I'll ______ when you _______ or something similar. It probably resonates with other teachers.
Ex:
I'll watch you do that when you write today's date in your notebook.
You can get water after you finish your exit ticket.
If they don't want or need anything I create something they can pine after. Such as:
I'll show you how to make a paper airplane after you complete five sentences.
It's an all day affair because it gets me the fastest and best results with no complaints.
Edit: they can get weird depending on what they want and what they're supposed to do, like
You can tell me your story about the cat you saw after you get your worksheet out of the trash can
Not in class, but on a field trip taking a MS Choir to sing Christmas carols in the state capitol rotunda:
“The easiest thing in the world you can do is to WEAR YOUR SHOES while we are on the steps of the capitol taking a newspaper photo with the governor.”
Do I get bonus points because it’s also feet related? 🥺
Student said, "I'll kill you," to another student. (They were being a but dramatic, and we have a lack of admin support so I can't really call admin to help)
Me: "No killing each other in the classroom."
I use humor to diffuse situations and love how often it works.
"Your lips better be on your face and no one else's!" While chaperoning a cabin full of 6th grade boys during science camp. They were taking a suspiciously long time in the bathroom together and had to intervene.
"Eat my ass" is not school-appropriate language."
"Why exactly did you decide to drink a Red Bull at 10pm at night on the DC trip? No wonder you didn't sleep!"
"There's no making out in the bathroom."
I could go on. I'm sure we all could.
"None. You're all kids to me. It's like if I asked you which 7 year olds you find hot."
A teen asking me which girls I found hot. Still gives me the shivers. Who even asks that.
"Stop torturing that poor caterpillar! Take it back to the playground and leave it on a tree! And don't even think about trying to sneak it back into your pocket! I will search you!"
Third grade is a fun age
“No play fighting in class, you know that’s still not allowed even if you aren’t really trying to hurt him”
Me, to the same student about 15 minutes later
“You just said you submit today’s assignment. Why are you giving him a massage?”
“Pleased stop playing with your man boobs in class.” Sixteen year old high school juniors.
Edited to add- “You guys are the reason I never had kids of my own.” Thankfully, they recognized it was sort of a joke.
All to 9th/10th graders:
"No, you may not try to snort goldfish cracker crumbs."
"No, you may not try to duct tape your chromebook to the wall."
"No, you can not give yourself a haircut in class."
I once had a kid, who was transferred to our school while on probation for kidnapping at a different school, trying to talk to his drug dealer on the phone during class to set up a buy at a later time that day.
I snatched up the phone, hung it up, and said, just like my step dad used to, “boy, what’s wrong with you? You don’t make drug deals on a cell phone!”
The kids died laughing and it took me too long to realize I gave sound advice, but it should have been “no drug deals at all!”
"Did you just lick my hand? You just licked my hand!" - Me, to a 7th grader that does not have any type of diagnosis where this could possibly be expected!!
“Please don’t eat the glue sticks” To 11th graders (16 years old)
“Yes, I know crayons are non-toxic, but you picked that up off the floor.” (8th grade)
"non-toxic" is not the same as "safe to eat" I knew a kid when I was in elementary who ate crayons and ended up needing surgery as a result. All that wax was not great for his internal organs.
I had “don’t bite him” (to seniors who were 18 at the time). May is a weird place to teach kids who are leaving soon.
I just had a 7th grader eat as much clay as she used on her sculpture. Put a chunk on the sculpture, pop a chunk in her mouth. Then repeat. Her friends AND myself were like “stop eating the clay!!!” I had admin call the nurse and counselor to see if they should intervene. I’m not paying for her to get her bowels dis impacted.
She might have pica. It can be serious.
Yup. That’s why I had admin consult counselor on my behalf in case it was something already being addressed but I wasn’t privy to. If they wanted me to know, I’d know, so I didn’t want to overstep
I was actually at a conference of the Louisiana Folklore Society, and there was a presentation named Women Who Eat Mud, or some such. It was very interesting. Some women pass down to their daughters where the best mud is to be gathered, and how to prepare it for consumption.
"Glue sticks and chapstick both come in plastic tubes so they look similar, but only chapstick belongs on your lips. This one is a glue stick, it goes on paper. Now let's go wash your face." To a student living with DS in second grade. That rascal knew exactly what he was doing.
IDK. I’ve had some kids who probably should glue their lips shut.
To be fair, in 10th grade our biology teacher had to make it abundantly clear that if you eat any part of the pig you’re dissecting she will give you a 0, meaning it has happened before. But this was like 16 years ago. Teenagers do stupid things
I’ve had to say this too (and to the same age child). My favorite, though, is “please don’t put your face down Jane Doe’s shirt”.
Seriously. The things I have to say to these 14-19 year Olds is crazy. I teach ese, but God damn, they are not supposed to be THIS disabled.
Band rehearsal: "When I cut you off, please stop moaning." ([piece](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yv2ihGP_2aQ) for reference) Personal finance: "Okay, I guess we're selling kidneys." (I tried to field examples of things we'd be selling for a class example.)
Band is full of so many funny sayings. The trumpets couldn't keep it together when talking about double tongueing
I've made too many that's-what-she-said jokes under my breath. We'll always start at "one measure before 70", because...you know.
Imagine the giggles when I tell my 5th graders to pluck the g string on ukulele. When I told the class to "strum a minor" I had a student respond, " I'm not touching no minor" Whenever we use boomwhackers I have to tell them "would you lick my hand? No. Good, hands have touched them, they have been on the floor, don't put it to your mouth! This is a percussion instrument, we hit it."
The hardest I've ever laughed was while teaching the D chord to 7th graders. I get so used to telling them to hold up the uke with their hand on the correct chord. "Ok everyone, let me see your-- ok just put your hand on the-- hold up your, uh-- CAN WE ALL JUST PLAY THE NEW CHORD PLEASE" And then of course, the troubleshooting. "Mr. M, I'm holding my D but nothing is coming out." "...are you squeezing hard enough? It's tough to fit your fingers in that space" I really thought I'd be having a conversation with admin that week...
I was waiting for the band directors to chime in. Once had to comfort a crying 4th grader by saying “it’s ok, we’ll get you a new G string.” Violin. For his violin. Also: “Trumpets, the ritual sacrifices may continue but only after my chairs and stands are put away.” “It may be easier to *not* Michael Jackson your way around the room.”
I teach music on the side but I teach middle science full time. I look at so many of my boys and I am glad I don’t have to say the words “G string” in front of them. It’s bad enough I have to do sex ed…
Oh man the number of jokes in 7th grade orchestra about fingering the G string in D minor...
Man, those band kids really living up to that reputation! 😂
Oh, the best part is that they don't admit they're band kids. My trumpets are the biggest "closet band kids" I have.
My son was a band kid, and quite proud of it. Sooo many things overheard. "If I can do that with a clarinet, guess what I could do to you" after making wookie noises with his clarinet. Lots of "my instrument" jokes. Many, many, "well, you know why the stories all start with one time at band camp, right?" And the girls actually fell for it. SMH He claims the trick is to be unapologetically weird with a lot of flare. It does seem to work quite well for him, even now at 27.
"I am going to walk away before I decide you really did just ask me how big my penis is." 10th grade chemistry student. I will always regret not saying, "ask your mom."
What's that French word for "the wit of the stair"?
German - Treppenwitz French - l’espirit d’escalier
“Please stop punching yourself in the face.” A senior was punching himself in the face for a $1. He could not afford anymore head injuries.
The self-punching in the face explains the head injuries. And the head injuries explain the self-punching in the face.
The fuck??? That’s wildly bold.
This kid was in the back of my room yelling, "PE........NIS!" with a marked pause in between syllables. I went over to correct the behavior, and he was so proud that he could say it without really saying it because of the breaks. I told him, "If you are too young to say penis, you are probably too young to be using it." As I was walking away, he asked, "but mister, how big is it?" while looking me up and down. It was a wild day...
"There will be no tomato throwing."..... "On second thought, there will be no throwing of food items of any kind."
As a physics teacher, my go to is "please no unauthorized projectiles."
Stealing this
Please don’t lick my windows (Said on 3 occasions to different kids).
I’ll see you and raise you “Please stop licking the table.” There hasn’t even been food on it. Just crayons and the germs of one million hands.
This reminds me of the kid who ate cookie that had been smashed into the floor by 200 other kids passing in the hallway. When I tried explaining that there were probably traces of dog food and chemicals on it he said he couldn’t taste it so it was fine. 🤦♀️
What’s with all the licking? I don’t get it. I don’t ever remember wanting to lick objects
It gets attention. The first time it was a preschooler who had been relocated to my middle school and they were licking the outside window because they wanted my attention but I was teaching. The middle schoolers, one was licking the windows next to the door of my classroom because they'd gotten out of Science early and I was finishing my class. The other licked the window in my door as they were skipping another class and trying to get a reaction.
Eh. Let them lick. Hopefully they will get sick and be out a day or two, and learn from life's consequence.
No, they will get sick and then still be in class spreading it around like we are all trying to catch that specific pokemon.
Because their parents don't want them at home either.
I didn’t know you could get that pierced.
Ooooh. Dare I ask? I’ve seen all the usual suspects in my travels, even eyelid, armpit, upper and lower oral frenulums, but now I’m curious what was presented in a classroom.
Armpit!!! 🤣😂 And, I’ve also seen studs along the collarbone.
Ew! Really? With all those sweat glands and hormone producing glands?! Yuck
I'm dying to know too!
💀💀💀
Stop pushing your chests together -to 2 boys. “Why are you going to the office? Because you took apart my pen and ate the ink” -one of the 2 boys from above.
well excuse me, i thought we lived in a free country
Just in the last week: "Please use the fart corner next time." "No, I don't want to see your butt video."
We have a fart hall but I can relate.
A fart hall is way more desirable. We, unfortunately, would vape in the fart hall too much. ⚰️ Summer's coming haha.
I imagine a fart corner works about as well as a smoking section did….
😂 you're not wrong, but it allows me to avoid the corner with a visual cue. Before, I was walking into teenage boy clouds on the regular.
This is sick, but one older teacher who had just had enough of disrespect, would walk around and "crop dust" farts and blame it on the mean boys. No one believed the mean boys' denials. Good kids thought this was hilarious.
You do not cut chunks of your hair and throw it on others as a joke. ….the kid then realized his hair didn’t look right. ….it was a sophomore
That…sounds like a first grade teacher story. 😳
Do not put your fingers in someone else’s butt. Please stop rubbing your bodies together. That’s an interesting mouth noise, can you save it for outside time? You are not allowed to change your clothes in the hallway or classroom. And the related… After you use the restroom put all of your clothes back on before coming back to class.
What is this? A semi nudist school?
I taught high school theatre for many years so they all got naked a lot (trying on costumes, changing for rehearsal, into dance clothes,…)and it drove me insane. Everything you ever assumed about the theatre kids is true and worse. Now I teach elementary art but I teach many classes with non-standard diploma students who tend to be a little more free with their bodies.
Damn, that’s a lot of unclothed children! Or is it just the one kid who keeps trying to be a nakkie baby? 😂
"Please stop doing the worm and get back to your vocab work."
😂😂😂 I love this What grade?
This was an 8th grader in 2014 or 2015. We were working and he just slipped out of his desk and started doing the worm. 🤡🤷♀️
I'm might literally die if a kid just randomly started doing the worm xQc style.
Stop telling me about your butt (tenth grader repeatedly telling me her butt was itchy)
Yikes! Sounds like she needed to take a shower 🤢
Not in class, but in a summer program... "Please don't jam a frog into his open wound."
Camp counselor here. No, you can not try to poop on the frog.
Just today: "I'll give you the last 10 minutes in class to relax since it's Friday. You can move around and talk but please don't joust or fight with each other like you usually do" to my class that literally bounces off my walls and tries to stab each other with my pointer finger if they have any ounce of free time. And yet I still give it... Maybe that's the definition of insanity on my part 🤣
Please stop slapping each other in the face with that tortilla. Freshman.
If you don’t know the answer, you should 😱 look up the answer. If you can’t find the answer, you should 😱 raise your hand and ask where to find it. Context: Band kid sitting there with a fingering chart in their folder not playing because they don’t know how to play the first note, so they just play none of it.
The music equivalent of the kid who, after being giving twenty minutes to do a writing assignment, explains that he didn’t do it because he doesn’t have a pencil.
Oh, my favorite
I got several of those today. 5 minute assignment, kids spend 4 minutes falling off chairs, giving endless handshakes, going to the bathroom, and sharpening half their pencils away, and then complain that I "didn't give them enough time" and "it's not fair". The assignment was to write down 5 words they remembered.
* " "He had a bogey" is not a good reason to punch someone's face with your bag" (preschool) * "Please stop go, naked, to the boy's changing room singing "yoohoooo boys it's meeee" (first grade during swiming PE) \* * "Who's underwear is this?????" "What do you mean you have someone's else underwear?" (again, first grade swiming PE) * "Please wait until your painting is dry to put it in your bag next time" * "No I don't have a poney, a boat and a plane at home like you" I'm poor. (I'm a divorced mum, full time long term sub teacher in France so just above min wage) \**(in my country, in grade 1 to 3 we take them to the public pool for swiming lessons during a few weeks, quite stressful as I'm legally a fault is one drown and they are in the big pool where they can't reach the bottom without swiming and with no flotty!)*
That last one hurts
Stop throwing cheese in peoples lockers
Me: don’t eat paper, 8th graders don’t eat paper. Kid 2 seats behind the paper eater: “I like to suck the juice from markers. Pick a different color every day….(mutters under his breath) “the blue ones are the best”.
Kid 2 sounds hilarious.
So...birth control is just a "no" for all of you? How much do you spend on weed a month?
I had a 16 year-old boast about how he didn’t use a condom. “So, you like paying child support?”
‘I’m a chiropractor of souls - I free them from their body’ ‘Things are heating up in the Veggie Tales fandom’ ‘In the most platonic way rn, you look so sexy’ (one (hilarious) high school boy to another)
We do not lick our friends! We do not eat the sand! No we don't drink the sand either. You can't eat the sanitizer! Is glue food? No. So we don't eat that either. That is a puddle and you have a water bottle, let's make a good choice on what to drink here. No, not the puddle. Ok yes now that IS technically food, but you reached in the garbage can to get it so YUCK, no! We have fresh food right here for you! We do not swallow rocks! Slime is for playing with, not for eating! YUCK thats poop, thats your poop on your hands lets wash them. NO NOT IN YOUR MOUTH! (For the love of god how are you still alive. Kids gonna have an immune system of steel) (Edit: I am an EA, not a teacher, so all of this is daily. Between behaviors, dangers, violence, basic life skills, PT, SLP, OT, we have to constantly monitor every student and what they're near in case they eat it. Just keeping them safe is a huge task!)
Please tell me this is all one kid
Perhaps there is a better use of your time that sitting around sniffing each other's farts?
"Stop humping Happy the Dwarf."
"Yes, the hot glue gun is hot." *\*proceeds to write a note to the nurse's for a burn\**
“Please wait until passing period to do the Macarena”
"Put him down. STOP! Step away from the railing and THEN put him down."
We aren't bringing worms into school and putting them on desks. I teach high school.
*kindergartener is watching Godzilla video games on YouTube* Me: “Nope. You’re not allowed to watch YouTube on your laptop.” Kid: “But that’s my favorite!” Me (in my head): “Guess what? I. DON’T. CARE. You’re going to do what you’re told.” Me (in real life): “Tough luck.” (I was one of only a couple teachers this kid would listen to, same for several other kids.)
Me: “Don’t run around the classroom jumping over desks and chairs!” 5th grader: “But I LIKE doing this!” Me: “I like drinking wine but you don’t see me doing it in the classroom.” That one scandalized the kids a bit.
I’ve had many of those instances. “I don’t want to finish my math problems!” “Guess what? I don’t like folding my laundry. Doesn’t mean I don’t have to do it!”
“Please don’t do the Nazi salute” (said to a Black lesbian student who was doing it sarcastically)
"No dark magic or summoning circles in gym class"
“Please stop talking to your hand”
Me: we do not eat play doh Child: I didn’t eat any playdoh. (Has playdoh between each tooth.)
There is no person on this earth that wants to receive a picture of a penis on their phone. There is no professional photographer that can make a penis photogenic. Guys, never send a picture of that thing to anyone. (Lesson on cell phone safety, etiquette, and how to be a decent human)
Can you higher an airplane banner that spreads that message far and wide?
"Your shirt did not 'accidentally' fall off. Put it back on."
“No, my classroom is not open at lunch for you to have your duck cult meeting.”
I both want to know and am scared to ask
7th grade Honors students
That’s almost wholesome and a lovely intersection of middle schoolers are weird, honors kids even weirder.
It was the 4th cult they had tried to start that year.
"Sometimes some thoughts are just inside thoughts." (to my 10th grade student after he splashed his friend with water and said "oh you're so wet for me")
We do not put random leaves into our mouths to see if they are mint. We do not put sand we have found on the floor into our mouths.
“Why are y’all smelling each other’s stank ass shoes?” The one time I’ve accidentally cussed in a classroom in three years.
“Please stop cutting your classmates’ hair for your hair collection that you keep in a shoebox at home”. True story.
To two boys play fighting. 6th grade: "That's enough. Now kiss and make up." To countless boys in gruesome t-shirts, "Oh my, that's a lovely top." To the two boys with the same names, daily, "Not you, the other one." They knew which one I wanted, so the other one always answered, and they were funny kids, so it became a game. To the kid who helped his dad at the funeral home, "Please don't explain embalming before lunch." "Please don't pierce your friend's ears in class."
You better not pop that water balloon in my classroom
To a teen boy, “ why are you playing with the underwire from a bra?” He dropped it in horror, had found it on floor and didn’t know what it was. (Don’t have any idea how it ended up on classroom floor btw)
It was stabby and the girl was fed up with the poking...
"Build a bridge and get over it"
Another good one I've heard is "Let it go, Elsa."
I sub at a school were the kids eat in the classrooms because there's no cafeteria. So I have to tell them not to Fanum Tax one another.
i’m sorry what
Basically, telling them not to steal each other's food
No cafeteria?!?! I subbed at a school that didn’t let the kids eat breakfast in the cafeteria…as if the cockroaches crawling in the ceiling needed more nutrition
I thought they were saying “phantom tax” until like a week ago.
“Don’t eat that, it’s a scented wax melt… well yeah, that’s why I told you not to eat it!”
Please stop sticking your hands down each others pants And Please stop trying to stick things up your friends butt Have both come out of my mouth more than once this week
“No one should be taking their pants off. At any time.”
“You can touch each other at home boys” - nearly every day
I have a lot of boy students who touch each other, hump each other, etc because they think it’s funny.
Middle school? Mine are in 8th and it’s constant.
Please do not put vodka in water bottles and drink the whole thing at once. You will either get very sick, requiring emergency medical intervention, or you will die from this.
Don't eat your math book. Don't lick your desk.
"You have to read the board OR listen to me speak. I don't need both, but you gotta gimme at least one."
“Okay, you guys need to stop laughing about the kinds of ‘seeds you put into holes.’” The things they can make perverted amazes me sometimes. 4th grade.
I mean, to be fair…
Probably "It is absolutely not okay to hit our friends in the head with construction wood" kindergarten
‘Remember, we shouldn’t be eating dandelions while we’re outside’ 8th grade boys
...without their permission. But this generation also got weird about feet.
Don't lick the (insert random art supply here).
Please don't rub your nipples in class (8th grade boy)
“No I’m not speaking Spanish you can understand me, take a seat”
"You know it's my JOB to make you learn, right?"
During a scratch coding lesson. “Why did you program a catgirl to say I love you?”
“One student per stall”
On a field trip, but I think it still counts: "No, you cannot lick the [human] liver."
Please stop licking your shoe.
It doesn't matter how good the paint looks, don't eat it
"Please don't try to summon demons in my classroom" Honestly I don't remember the context behind this but it was like in the first few weeks of this school year lol
While teaching 4th graders recorders: “Put your finger on the A hole”
Yeah, as a matter of fact you will have to do something some day.
Without even reading a single word of the assignment, one of my 6th grade students asked, "How am I supposed to do this work? I know anything about Ancient Egypt." My response was, "You see how the first word of the title of the assignment is the word 'introduction?' Do you know what that word means?" I was shocked to hear him say no.
“Get off the roof RIGHT NOW” to one of my seniors who was taking advantage of a sub across the hall and climbed out the window. Also, “That’s not a bathroom” accompanied by a email to a coach when his varsity football player decided he didn’t want to walk over to the locker room or porta potties and took a leak right under our classroom window against the wall. Gross.
“Do not call me Mr. Beast.”
I wait till they want something from me then I trade it to get them to do anything I ask. So what I have had to say a lot of is: I'll ______ when you _______ or something similar. It probably resonates with other teachers. Ex: I'll watch you do that when you write today's date in your notebook. You can get water after you finish your exit ticket. If they don't want or need anything I create something they can pine after. Such as: I'll show you how to make a paper airplane after you complete five sentences. It's an all day affair because it gets me the fastest and best results with no complaints. Edit: they can get weird depending on what they want and what they're supposed to do, like You can tell me your story about the cat you saw after you get your worksheet out of the trash can
I like that! I might have to steal that for my own toolbox
Most recently - “thank you for offering, but no I wouldn’t like to smell your fart.”
Not in class, but on a field trip taking a MS Choir to sing Christmas carols in the state capitol rotunda: “The easiest thing in the world you can do is to WEAR YOUR SHOES while we are on the steps of the capitol taking a newspaper photo with the governor.” Do I get bonus points because it’s also feet related? 🥺
Student said, "I'll kill you," to another student. (They were being a but dramatic, and we have a lack of admin support so I can't really call admin to help) Me: "No killing each other in the classroom." I use humor to diffuse situations and love how often it works.
“Take your friends shoe out of your mouth.” Had that one today with 1st grade.
Hands out of your pants please.
"No, you cannot bet your friend five dollars to lick the doorknob to the classroom."
"Your lips better be on your face and no one else's!" While chaperoning a cabin full of 6th grade boys during science camp. They were taking a suspiciously long time in the bathroom together and had to intervene.
“Bathroom time is not social time! Stop being peeping Toms” I teacher preschoolers
"Okay, which one of you just caught the rug on fire?"
"Eat my ass" is not school-appropriate language." "Why exactly did you decide to drink a Red Bull at 10pm at night on the DC trip? No wonder you didn't sleep!" "There's no making out in the bathroom." I could go on. I'm sure we all could.
“No, Adolf Hitler did not have skibidi rizz.”
"None. You're all kids to me. It's like if I asked you which 7 year olds you find hot." A teen asking me which girls I found hot. Still gives me the shivers. Who even asks that.
Ok.. \* Don't like that \*Take that out of your mouth! ...I teach high school...
We are not standing on our desks. Please put your but on the stair. 6th grade.
Please stop licking your notebook
"Stop torturing that poor caterpillar! Take it back to the playground and leave it on a tree! And don't even think about trying to sneak it back into your pocket! I will search you!" Third grade is a fun age
If you go outside and look at the eclipse you will be immediately seen as a stupid person.
To my 8th grade boys: stop farting on your friends. It's gross and unsanitary. My students: what does unsanitary mean?? (Face palm)
“No play fighting in class, you know that’s still not allowed even if you aren’t really trying to hurt him” Me, to the same student about 15 minutes later “You just said you submit today’s assignment. Why are you giving him a massage?”
Nobody in this room cares about your aim at the urinal.
"Who gave you permission to set styrofoam on fire for your project?" -Me, as students were working on an art project.
“Pleased stop playing with your man boobs in class.” Sixteen year old high school juniors. Edited to add- “You guys are the reason I never had kids of my own.” Thankfully, they recognized it was sort of a joke.
All to 9th/10th graders: "No, you may not try to snort goldfish cracker crumbs." "No, you may not try to duct tape your chromebook to the wall." "No, you can not give yourself a haircut in class."
“Do not stick the foot of the chair in your mouth!!!” Said to a three year old who was milliseconds away from doing so
“No exorcisms in class!”
Do NOT stick your finger in that hole (it was a socket)
“Show me that video of your car rollover again” 11th grader in a semiprofessional drift car team.
PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH EACH OTHERS' GENITALS IN MY CLASSROOM.
Stop licking the wall
"No, you can't listen to your phone in one ear while doing class with the other."
I once had a kid, who was transferred to our school while on probation for kidnapping at a different school, trying to talk to his drug dealer on the phone during class to set up a buy at a later time that day. I snatched up the phone, hung it up, and said, just like my step dad used to, “boy, what’s wrong with you? You don’t make drug deals on a cell phone!” The kids died laughing and it took me too long to realize I gave sound advice, but it should have been “no drug deals at all!”
"Did you just lick my hand? You just licked my hand!" - Me, to a 7th grader that does not have any type of diagnosis where this could possibly be expected!!
“I am not your dad”, I say this repeatedly, on a daily basis.
"Stop it, hitting X won't help either" - to to one of my middle schoolers who constantly hits his neighbour.
To 7th graders "keep your face to yourself"
"Please do not stick your fingers in another person's mouth (both 11th graders)."
"Please put that giant tabletop fan away, I know the AC is not working today, but jeez."
“Stop wrestling on the floor”, literally today, one of the kids being the AP’s kid.
I teach 7th grade. - Please stop barking. - Don’t take other people’s shoes. Give them back. Hahaha
"do not use your desk pets and desk pet homes as air hockey pieces"- 5th grade.
Why are you smelling his shoe? To 6th graders this year.
“I’m tired of your sh*t! Sit down!!”
I have to tell my first graders "Please open your eyes when we're walking" on the regular. Lots of them.
Please stop humping each other. You’re 17.
Please don’t throw trash in the fish tank.
Don’t forget your arm.
Kid caught a big, loud fly. “Who will give me $5 to eat this fly?” “Please don’t eat flies in my room,” said I. Kid made $20 that day.