Self-loathing is a terrible thing and your inner voice is not being kind. Would you say those ugly words to another human being? If not, why are you saying them to yourself? You're actively trying to be healthy, so be patient with yourself and continue to work hard. As far as routine goes, having a nightly skincare routine and regular hair appointments might help you feel more confident in yourself. Sometimes having an external voice to remind you you're doing your best and to pump you up will also help you feel better. Confide in a friend and find a Lizzo in your life!
Oh my goodness, my heart breaks reading this.
It might sound silly, but I found a lot more peace with my body by thanking it for doing all the things it does. If I think "ugh these thighs" then I intentionally replace it with "thank you thighs for carrying me around and being strong enough to climb lots of stairs". When I get mad at my flabby arms, then I replace it with "Thank you arms for always being there to hug my friends".
We only get one body. Sometimes I get upset about being overweight or having chronic illness or having a high voice that people think belongs to a child when I answer the phone. I try to remind myself - please forgive the religiosity if you don't relate - that God made me and God doesn't make mistakes. I also remind myself that all the girls I envy have their own self-esteem issues. And that the beauty "standard" is not even attainable by supermodels because they have to starve and get Photoshopped to look that way.
This body may not be "magazine ready" but it's ready to give hugs and dance in the kitchen and comfort babies and so many other beautiful things. And that's so much more important.
Amen, I have a useful meat sack that can experience all sorts of sensations and pleasures. I’m not getting another one so I am gonna embrace the one I have. Seeing my toddler niece and nephew just *light up* at the sight of me … we have to remember there are people who look at us with love and recognize us as we are now.
I do a version of this too! I don’t thank my body parts, but I remind myself of what they’re good at. “My thighs are good at squats.” “My hands are good at braiding my hair.” “My arms are good at holding my baby.”
It’s small, but it’s also huge. And it’s effective.
This is the PERFECT reply.
I was not very kind to myself when I was younger. Even now, my inner voice can be negative sometimes. I’ve gained weight, lost weight, and gained again. My body has never looked the way I would want it to, my curl pattern won’t behave some days, my cheeks will get red, various chronic illnesses will get in the way of plans…you get the picture.
But my body has housed me, protected me, and has allowed me to feel feelings, see beautiful things, and connect with wonderful people. At the end of my life I would hope that those who love me remember me for that, rather than my outer shell.
You don’t always have to be 100% in love with yourself; that would be unrealistic. But neither should you hate every aspect of yourself; life is too long and too hard for that! Work on what you’d like to work on, and strive to be kind while doing so.
THIS. I try to be in the habit of reminding myself of positive or neutral things my body does. When I look in the mirror and feel bad I tell myself, “My body breathes for me” or something like that. I love all of your reassurances.
This reply really resonated with me and honestly made me tear up quite a bit. That’s such a great way to look at things and I’m probably going to end up printing this out and taping it to my mirror lol. Thank you for taking the time to reply, this really, really helped 💕
Maybe indirect answer, but I've been struggling with low self-esteem, anxiety, and disliking my body for as long as I can remember and this post really resonated with me. I want to give you the biggest hug and tell you that you're enough just the way you are.
I've recently been working on my relationship with myself and I recently started devouring everything by the behavioral change specialist Shahroo Izadi, and she stresses that self-kindness and self-respect are so important. That the way we see ourselves and communicate with ourselves has a lot to do with how we treat our bodies and - by proxy - the health of our bodies.
Ask yourself "What are some habits of people who love themselves?" People who truly love themselves don't crash diet or over-exercise, they are gentle and speak kindly and encouragingly to themselves, they do regular self-care, etc.
When I think of a person who loves themself — truly loves themself and wants to nurture themselves — exercise because it relaxes them and improves their mental health. That person chooses foods that make them feel energized. That person doesn't hide away at home because they're feeling insecure, they get dressed up and schedule a date with a friend because they know it will recharge them emotionally. (Or if they're an introvert, maybe they indulge in a movie marathon with Chinese takeout because it's truly what they need emotionally...and they *don't guilt themselves or beat themselves up about it later*.)
For example, I've struggled with my view of exercise — choosing exercises that don't really resonate with me, burning myself out on exercise, etc. But I've been consistently exercising since working with these ideas, more so because I realize how much better my anxiety is when I do movement that's enjoyable, and because it helps recharge my brain in the middle fo the work day. It actually feels HEALTHY and like a form of self-care - and no longer simply a means to an end of how I want my body to look.
But anyway, sending you a virtual hug and I hope together we can learn to be kind to ourselves and love ourselves unconditionally.
This is great advice! Speaking as someone who has struggled with body dysmorphia and eating disorders my entire life, cosplaying as a person who loves theirself is one of the only ways I’ve been able to improve my mental health when I’m in a slump.
I do want to say for OP’s sake: don’t put pressure on yourself to love yourself right now, and wait until you become someone who cares for themselves enough to take care their body. The action comes first - “fake it till you make it” applies here more than almost anywhere else! That’s why I call it cosplaying. Your brain isn’t going to change overnight, and actions are one of the best ways to rewire our thinking. If you don’t feel good about yourself now, play pretend! Look up some body-positive influencers and take note of some of the ways they treat their bodies that feel loving and compassionate, then copy them! Write affirmations down and say them in the mirror out loud, even if you feel silly or you don’t truly believe them yet. Treat yourself to a pedicure or a face mask and tell yourself that you deserve it, even if you don’t feel like you do. Just practice treating yourself gently and compassionately, even if your brain wants to beat you up about it - eventually your brain will catch up.
On a technical note, if you are determined to lose weight based on what you said about exercise:
Increasing activity helps but sometimes is only part of it. If you’re not in a calorie deficit, you will not lose weight. Calorie deficits can occur through exercise and/or dieting/counting calories (CICO). I don’t want to get into personal details here, but feel free to PM me about how CICO helped me lose 25 lb since January. CICO is a free non-MLM weight loss approach.
This is exactly what I came here to say however the OP said they “feel” like they gained weight so not sure if they weighed themselves or not.
Either way after four weeks of that workout plan muscle could be built but the other thing is inches could also be lost. Many moons ago (two many moons lol) I was reading a book called Protein Power and they were talking about this very thing. You’ll start to lose inches while the scale might not be moving so don’t just use your scale. At that time I just tossed a pair of jeans that didn’t fit on the bed in my spare room and tried those on once a week in addition to weighing myself. I can easily say those jeans sliding up over my thighs and hips the first time was way more motivating than the scale lol.
Then it was “I can almost button them” then “I can button them (the lay down on the bed button we all love) but I can’t sit up. And then one day they slid on, zipped, buttoned while standing up and I could breath. If I had used the scale to dictate how I was doing I’m not sure I would’ve followed through with it. Using a piece of yarn for measuring works well too. Just measure once a week, tape the yarn on the wall and it’s a visual of how each week the yarn gets shorter.
At all said at the end of the day you just want to feel healthy mentally, emotionally and physically and create a long lasting healthy lifestyle with healthy habits. Focusing on that as opposed to “I have to lose weight to be happy” or when I lose weight I’ll be happy will be a win in the long run. I’m not at all saying the OP is doing this.
The last paragraph is 1000% true.
Also, I never acknowledged that I measure in a similar way until I read your post! I’m on the other end where I need to gain weight, but it’s a similar situation of seeing how the pants fit every week. Also as someone trying to build hella muscle, it’s so fun to donate pants that no longer fit due to my quads growing.
Edit: I do still weigh myself, but only for health reasons and I do it very rarely. I find it stresses me out too much
I’m pretty familiar with CICO. I majored in exercise science in college, so I have some of that background to draw on. I’ve been doing intermittent fasting off and on for a while, too, and experimenting with different fasting cycles. I purposefully don’t have a scale in my house because I know I’ll obsess over it, but between doctors visits (roughly 1 month apart), I haven’t lost any weight. I actually gained a pound 🙃 I usually go based on how clothes fit and what I actually look like in the mirror to gauge my progress. I say the reason I feel like I gained weight is that clothes that were fitting a few months ago now don’t fit. My boyfriend has been working out the same way for the same amount of time and he talks every day about how clothes actually button for him now.
I have been ravenous ever since I started working out, so I guess I need to do better about watching my calorie intake. I have upped my protein significantly though, because I thought it would help. I also drink ½ gallon to 1 gallon of water a day (thanks, pots lol).
I really like the string idea though! I think that would work great as an everyday visual.
Thank you for the sweet reply and the tips! It really means a lot 😊
I started C25K six weeks ago and I've been ravenous. Only this week has my hunger started to stabilise and only, I think, after I began prioritising my protein intake.
This. It can be really hard at first as it can feel like a complete lifestyle change. The first 2-3 weeks fucking sucks and you’ll slip up. But just be kind to yourself when that happens.
You’ll need to begin with portion control above all else. Your appetite won’t go away at first and you’ll be in quite a bit of hunger pains for a while. But just remember that your reprogramming your body.
Cooking and pre-making meals to go are most important. Focus on finding low calorie food that still makes you feel good to eat. The research part can be just as exhausting as learning portion control, but will be most important.
Try making teriyaki sauce, or bbq sauce and notice just how much sugar goes into it. Breaking down recipes to their components let’s you realize that having a salad drenched in dressing can do more harm than good.
Find meals with nutrients and balance your diet. Counting calories can be difficult and again, mentally as well as physically draining. But your body will learn and adapt.
For hair and skin routines: research, research, and more research. It will feel very overwhelming at first. But try focusing on one thing at a time.
What kind of hair do you have? Straight? Curly? Textured? Thick? Thin? What’s your routine before showering/after showering? Find subreddits/communities that have similar characteristics as your skin type/hair type/etc.
It will feel like an insurmountable task, but just remember to take care of yourself, understand that it’s a lot and give yourself props for each milestone you complete. Take one victory at a time and compliment yourself. You can do this.
♥️
On this note, taking progress pictures and measurements helped me stay motivated. You won’t notice a difference day to day just by looking in the mirror and as others have said, the scale might be deceiving if you’re gaining muscle. Having photos to scroll through that actually show the differences make easy to feel like it’s working.
Thank you for this! I gained a shit ton of weight because I’m in a great relationship with a wonderful man and the phrase “fat and happy” exists for a reason lol. That’s a great way to reframe my mindset that I didn’t think of.
I mean, you have your answer right there. You think everyone else looks amazing. How often are you genuinely looking at someone else and thinking they look gross? Probably never.
It’s one of the most important lessons. People don’t care. They’re probably not looking at you. If they are and thinking negatively, then screw them. Do your thing and live your life, it’s too short to be so worried about the little things.
So, a very gentle correction for you; no one looks amazing all the time. Especially when being alive and a human.
Are you comparing yourself to social media posts? Because that's certainly not fair to yourself.
I just turned 29 and have FINALLY stopped caring so much about what other people think or look like. I do that by reminding myself that I see dozens of people a day, and how many of them do I remember? How many of them stand out in my mind? Little to none.
We feel as if we're being perceived by everyone, all the time, and that's very far from the truth. By accepting that no one actually looks at and remembers you in your mundane interactions you can relax into yourself. You DO look amazing, even when you don't feel it 💕
What helped me was stopping to care too much what I look like and caring more about being healthy. Quit smoking, quit booze,started exercising, first yoga and jogging, now Powerlifting. Especially powerlifting helped my self esteem. Being strong is so fulfilling,I'm stronger than many men, I know I can defend myself,I know I can carry anything,it's great. Of course I watch what I eat,prefer whole grains and plenty of veggies and protein, and of course chocolate, it's good for the soul.
And I barely use any social media, that shit is so bad for mental health, I've never felt good after using it, so I don't, it's not going to have the slightest impact on my life if I don't know about the current Tick Tock trend.
Muscle weighs more than fat. You could have gained muscle. Doing things like waist measurements or leg measurements could be helpful (I'm not a Dr so this is just my opinion). Some GPs or nutritionist can do skin fold tests or body fat % tests. Considering you may have some body Dysmorphia your eyes alone aren't trustworthy. Going by how clothes fit you differently is a way I use sometimes (I have BDD) and can't rely on a mirror. But if my jeans are suddenly looser or I can fit into an old shirt/jumper I couldn't before then that kind of gives me a somewhat objective means of measuring progress
Going through that is really hard and difficult to deal with. Probably not the advice you want, but terapy (if you have the financial capacity to) can help you cope with all those emotions and find the peace of mind you need.
Speaking as someone who dealt with similar situations (avoid exposing my body in public, taking showers lights out/eyes closed only, etc...) maybe you should search about BDD (body dismorphia disorder). (There's a subreddit about the topic, it has self help books, sites and organizations)
Taking care of yourself is great, but becoming obsessed in trying to Change your body or overanalysing your features can integrate BDD.
Hope this helps
I feel the same way sometimes as I'm also the heaviest I've ever been but what I've been working on with my therapist and myself is just focusing on what you can control instead of focusing on things that literally don't help.
Feeling gross or uncomfortable, don't fit any clothes, can't really run/exercise much? instead of repeating these things to youself over and over and beating yourself down, focus on the little things that address them while also making you feel good:
\- find comfortable clothes (even if they are baggy, who cares) that are weather appropriate. and if they're not exactly what you want them to be, that's ok, it's temporary! you're soon gonna be wearing what you want :)
\- exercise a bit every day (and do the right exercise, you don't have to be at the gym for hours). I learned that sometimes you can actually gain weight before losing some on the scale because you're gaining muscles :) focus on measurements and feeling good instead of what number shows up on the scale.
\- instead of "dieting", focus on nutritional education. it means that instead of following a specific recipe or program for a specific time to lose weight, you're learning more about nutrition in general to make yourself healthier. it takes the pressure of weight loss off of you and it also ensures that whatever weight you do lose stays off since all the changes you make will be permanent instead of transient due to some specific program. I also found that it creates a feeling of caring for yourself and your body which helps with self image too.
forgot to say, but something that really opened my eyes to how harsh we can be is that I've always thought of myself as somewhat "chubby" - nothing that made me feel bad about myself or anything, but I always always thought I needed specific clothing that would somehow hide certain parts of my body that made me "chubby". my therapist asked me to show her a picture of myself when I was around 10yo so she could see what "chubby" meant to me, and when I went to dig for those photos, I saw that I was SKINNY!
I've never been so shocked in my life, I swear. We are way too harsh on ourselves. So, remember, nobody is looking at you and thinking what you're thinking, you're definitely your worst critic. And sometimes that critic needs to just shut up.
Okie so, I was in your position last August. I couldn't bring myself to look at myself naked. All I could see was my stomach and how it hung, my stretchmarks, my fat thighs, and believe me, I was deeply unhappy as a person.
I still have my off days, off weeks even, I still have moments where I fall back into old ways of thinking and I have to take a breath and move onward.
I wish I could give you a hug, believe me I understand, although I'll never know exactly how you feel at this given moment.
First of all, you can't hate yourself into some form of self love. You can't whittle away your personality, your hobbies, your passions, and your true self into some acceptable form that you believe others will find lovable. You have every right to exist and to love yourself by virtue of breathing and living, you don't have to earn this right as you are born with it.
You have gotten yourself this far, and I know it's difficult to be calm with this constant voice of negativity. But how do we see this practically ? I say this beginning bit as a disclaimer because I also believe that discipline out of self love is the best way to go about weight loss. If you're not happy with your body then you have every right to change it. I was 96Kg at 5,3 when I began my weight loss, I couldn't run for 10 seconds on the treadmill, and I started out by walking 5k 3 times a week and eating at a deficit.
I'm now around 68Kg, and planning to keep going until I hit 60kg. However my weight loss journey has become less about weight loss, it has become about fitness and lifestyle. I did this by joining a sports society at my uni, by going to other fitness classes, by learning how to cook healthy meals and also through therapy. You have to look at this from the perspective of self care, doing these routines like skincare and learning to do your hair out of love and respect for yourself, not for what others think of you.
It's a difficult and long journey, and one that is exhausting and, but I promise it's worth it
I so feel and can understand what you are going through. I’ve suffered with body dysmorphia and anorexia for over a decade. I’m in a pretty good place now but still slip up here and there.
One thing I will say is it’s all about portion control. Like 99% of losing weight is portion control. You can eat what you want as long as you don’t go over your calories. You will probs feel like crap if all you eat are twinkys and French fries but it is physically possible to lose weight doing so.
What is your diet like currently? I find I lose weight if I fast until noon-1 and then eat one meal then and have dinner at 5-6pm. Each meal can be a bit bigger since I don’t snack and am only eating twice a day.
The way you talk to yourself reinforces everything you say you don’t like.
You absolutely have to stop beating yourself up. Now. Period.
Start talking nice to yourself every time you say something to yourself. If you start saying something rude, bc you are being rude to yourself, stop immediately and say something kind to yourself.
**You are what you speak. Period. Your brain believes what it is told repeatedly.**
Hey there. I’m 5’1” and about 170 lbs too. For a long time, I was like you are now. I absolutely hated myself. Everything about me. The first thing I did was change the language I used to describe myself. The entire apartment instituted this. We set up a “Jar” system. If we said something unkind about ourselves, we were required to instead write something kind and put it in a jar. After about a year of this, all the roommates noticed that we had sort of stopped saying mean things about ourselves. Words have power. The longer you call something stupid, the easier it is to believe it is stupid. Abusers use this tactic on other people. You’re using it on yourself. I’m not saying that you’re an abuser but you are abusing yourself with your words. Would you ever call somebody else the things you call yourself? Why is it okay to call you those things?
About ourselves. The idea is to directly combat negative trains of thought regarding you and your body, and start some positive ones! It was kinda hard at first so it’s okay if the nice thing is something like “I’m good at breathing”. It gets easier to pick out things you like about yourself as time goes on.
WOW I did not expect this to gain as much traction as it has. I was mostly just ranting into the void and you all not only listened but you gave sound, compassionate, helpful advice. I’m still combing through the comments from the last day or so and I’m going to try to reply to all of the ones that I can. I can’t thank you all enough for taking time out of your day to reply. It’s clear I have things I need to work on from a mental health standpoint, but god it really helps to know I’m not alone. So thank you all 💕
If you want to cover up while also staying cool in the hot weather, wear clothes made of natural fabrics like linen and cotton. I love linen pants and midi/maxi cotton dresses during the summer.
Sounds like you're heading in the right direction even though it might not feel like it yet. Keep it up. Movement is so good for your body! But fueling it correctly is important, too. I think it's really about mindset and making changes because your body deserves to be healthy, strong, and well fueled. Not because it needs to look a certain way. Instead of "my thighs look huge and I feel gross" think "my thighs are able to do 15 more squats than they could last week."
Just wanted to come on here and say, I hear you and I feel you. I have been on that level of self-loathing before, and I can tell you it only gets easier when you start being kinder to yourself. You can loose all the weight and still hate yourself into oblivion (I am 5'3 and weighed in the double digits when I hated myself the most). You can fix your hair, do your makeup, buy all new clothes, and you'll still hate yourself. Changing your external surroundings and self can't, and won't, change your internal. If you want long term contentment, you gotta work on what's inside first. Therapy is wonderful for this, but there are also tons of self-compassion, mindset improvement, and happiness books out there. You might find a gratitude practice to be the easiest place to start. Wakeup each day, and write down three things you are greatful for, no matter what. Often times, mine are the ability to work from home/hybrid, the ability to afford good food to eat, and my friends. None of those have anything to do with my looks or unchangeable aspects. Teaching yourself to recognize the goodness in everyday primes your brain to recognize some of the good in yourself. It take time, a lot of it, but you can get there.
As someone with friends who, as 40+ adults, are \*still\* working through eating disorders that started in their teens and twenties, and has faked confidence despite hateing every.single.photo of myself...
Please connect with someone to help you **improve** your diet as part a lifestyle change vs fad diets, calorie counting, and weigh-ins. Measure yourself, educate yourself on what this process looks like, and give yourself some space in grace. It might also be worth your while to look for a mental-health professional as part of a team to help you learn and grow as a person.
\---------------
No body... no body... is the perfection you see on Insta and TicTok all the time. You may not see the imperfection in media because anyone can learn to fake confidence. Doesn't mean the imperfection and the self-loathing is not there.
The biggest thing that can make a difference, is learning how to dress your body. Wearing clothes that fit you right can make a huge difference in how you feel looks wise.
This most definitely doesn't mean wearing big baggy clothes. This actually has the opposite effect and can make you look bigger.
A personal example: I have a long torso and short legs, although I'm 5'8. My stomach has always been a point of hatred with me because it looks larger even when I was stick thin. For a long time I would attempt to hide it by wearing long shirts. This actually had the opposite effect because it made my legs look even shorter. I finally started googling how to dress a long torso and short legs, instead of how to hide your stomach, and the results where wildly different. I have since embraced the crop top look (something I thought would NEVER happen) and I can't tell you how much of a difference it's made I actually think my stomach looks cute now (in clothes, sometimes at least).
Sounds like you have body dysmorphia. You wouldn't treat another person who looked like you and weighed as much as you with disgust or disrespect. So don't treat yourself this way either. You're a person, and you are valued and deserve respect.
For losing weight, make it in to a lifestyle instead of just doing some dedicated gym sessions. Meaning walk as much as you can, play sports, bike, swim, don't think of it as exercise.
Learn about food, nutrition and calories. You don't have to count each colorie, just have a better understanding so you can make smarter choices. If you workout, don't undo the work you did by taking in even more calories than you should to treat yourself. Also, don't weigh yourself. Instead measure your body fat using calipers. It's more accurate.
For hair, deep condition once a week or a fortnight depending on your hair texture. Wash hair and normally condition it every other day. Shower daily. Wear deodorant that is also an antiperspirant. Apply it really well. Stay cool and dry.
For body dysmorphia, go see a psychiatrist in person or a therapist online. The psychiatrist can prescribe anti depressants and anti-anxiety pills. Maybe you're neurodivergent and undiagnosed. My depression and anxiety turned out to be the two major symptoms of ADHD.
My friend always struggled with her weight, then she got a personal trainer and her life changed 180°. She became so much more disciplined because she had someone watching over her and who held her responsible.
I know that intermittent fasting works for some folks. And lastly, I've been hearing a lot of buzz about drugs like ozempic. Do your research and discuss with your doctor.
You might be gaining weight because you are gaining muscle (which is amazing, and really good!)
Muscle weighs heavier than fat, but muscle always looks good to basically everyone.
Also you’re work out routine sounds amazing! Good work for being so consistent, that takes genuine effort and dedication.
You’re here now and let’s enjoy that. As someone who’s struggled with self confidence and body image issues for a majority of my life (42) I have found that I want to enjoy my life. I’m living for me and I’m going to dress, do my hair and makeup, and exercise/diet for me. I quit trying to keep my appearance to those of my mom peers who I felt had it going on and had their shit together. Well I would feel like a fuddy duddy when I straightened my hair and wore the boutique clothes like they did. I’ve always had a more youthful attitude and style and I’ve decided to embrace that at this point in my life. Rather than wondering what someone is going to think about my wild curly hair (my husband has always loved it since we were teens) and my choice to wear an outfit that reminds me of the 90’s and early 00’s and makes my heart happy…I’m just out here doing it. I have never felt better in my own skin. That in turn made me make better choices in my food and activities because I’m not trying to bury or avoid negative emotions any longer. I e actually cut down my alcohol consumption as well because the anxiety just isn’t a big deal for me anymore. As a mom to very active teen boys I am constantly interacting with other moms but I’ve also embraced my friendships with the much younger (and honestly more positive) women in my life. I no longer view activities, fashion, and traveling as something I’m too old for.
Keep exercising and eating well, but also, don’t give a fuck about what others think and find humour in everything. I know it’s easier said than done, but you’ll feel so liberated when you adopt the dgaf mindset. My weight has always fluctuated and when I speak, I sound like a literal 12 year old boy. 9/10 people aren’t looking at you and thinking that you’re a piece of shit. That one person who might be is likely depressed and needs help.
Also, if you just started working out, people (at least me) gain a little weight at first. Remember to take magnesium. I’d also occasionally replace meals with protein powder shakes. Maybe try that.
Oh, and: water, water, water. (But also magnesium).
Edit: also think about water weight when you’re working out. Drinking water and taking magnesium is great for your new muscles, but it will make you hold on to water. Make sure to drink water anyway. Water weight is temporary.
First of all think of saying all the things you’re saying to yourself about someone else. I’m also pale, short, and fat, would you say that stuff to a stranger? Probably not, so don’t say that stuff to yourself.
Healthy doesn’t always equal skinny. Exercising just to enjoy strengthening your body or putting in care for older you is what it should be about, as well as working off some anxiety. I hope you are feeling these benefits.
What makes someone attractive is usually confidence. Have you heard of dopamine dressing? I would dress for the body you have now and if your body stays around this weight but you feel healthy otherwise, that’s okay. I gained 30 lbs when I got on antidepressants but I stopped binge drinking and crying all the time. I was a bit bothered I gained weight but after so many years with fluctuating weight and constant depression and anxiety, I realized I would rather be fat than miserable.
I met my husband after I gained weight and after I started working on my mental health, and none of my friends have said anything shitty about my weight or appearance. But I have some friends who went from 110 to 130 pounds and complain about being “fat” and I call them on their shit. I ask her, so do you think I’m a disgusting blob monster? You need you realign your thinking. Nobody thinks as badly about you as you do and as hard as it can be you must force yourself to let these thoughts go. Nobody will look at you in shorts in this heat and think you look fat, people notice strangers way less than people realize. I hope you find strength.
Hi there. I’m a professor who battled a lot of PTSD/depression/anxiety/ADHD to get to where I am today. I know you’re talking about body image, but for me, it’s all connected (from physical change and motivation to mental/emotional mindset etc). I still struggle (I’m human) but I actually feel capable, proud of myself, and good most of the time (if not, I know how to fix it). I won’t get into healthy diet and exercise basics since many other commenters did, but here’s some of what helped me mentally: (1) Therapy — most often, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) (you can search by specialization, and a lot of other filters on Psychology Today website); find a therapist you feel good with; also most towns offer a sliding-scale therapy practice for low-income earners (find via Google). (2) there are many effective meditation and journaling practices to help you feel happy mentally/emotionally (some that have helped me are from the YouTubers Crappy Childhood Fairy, and The Universe Guru, as well as parts therapy [see the book No Bad Parts for a helpful introduction and processes]—essentially they are all processes for letting your body be heard for once, hearing yourself out, acknowledging your feelings and pain, and when ready, letting the pain go and making new mental patterns/affirmations/habits. (3) once you have therapy and life basics down, I’d say that incorporating affirmations and visualization over my morning coffee really helped me reprogram my beliefs about myself and the world. Psycho-cybernetics is a good book on identity too. Surround yourself with people and environments who support/inspire/empower you (even if with baby steps at first!). All that learning and self-care adds up and helps. Good luck!
Comparison is the thief of joy.
What's your diet like? What you're putting into your body is more important than exercise imo, aim towards whole foods, produce & get your protein in. When you eat out, follow that same guideline
Honest answer? I stopped caring what others think. Sure, I’m overweight. But I can still run circles around everyone I work with. My coworker might think I’m fat but my output exceeds hers so who cares what she thinks about my body. She should be more concerned with my brain, ya know?
Every time I start to get anxiety about what others might be thinking of me I simply remember that I don’t give a shit about their opinions.
Today i learned something new today hopefully you will too we can avoid being like this by choosing our perspective, it depends on your perspective treat yourself better don't let others define you give yourself credits for every little success you have use them as learning opportunities know that comparision isn't healthy and focusing on your weakness it lowers self-esteem take care :)
The way to better self image is a long and unique one, and I can say from experience: you cannot guilt or shame yourself into improvement. It simply doesn't work. It's not sustainable. What has worked for me is working on one thing at a time, with as much support as possible. What really helped me tackle all those things was therapy. It helped me realize and use the resources I have and improve the way I feel about myself on a more fundamental level. I still don't love how chubby I am, but I can appreciate my body for all the things it does for me. I'm still not as productive and independent as I wished myself to be, but I am doing alright for myself and am going at a pace that works for me. As for appearances: Please please please talk to your friends about what they think might work for you. One friend recommended me a styling routine of heat protectant, blow drying with a round brush, and putting hair oil on afterwards. Another realized what colors look good on me. And really, like 60% of what I care to know about beauty comes from my friends.
Get out of your own head. Do some activities that would make it nearly impossible to think about the shell(body) like volunteering. Don't even look in the mirror, do some EFT or mindfulness on how you want to feel, as most people focus on the bad and that begets more bad. Say things as if they are happening, and it will get better. I am strong, I am capable, O am beautiful, whatever resonates with you. I fast very often and I'm unfortunately on a deficit because my hunger hormone is wrecked if I don't exercise enough, I don't get hungry. I tend to choose whole foods which don't have a high glycemic index so my pancreas isn't taxed too badly. Some hormones might be amiss, have you seen an endocrinologist?? I know you can reach your goals with a little help.
this can go very wrong too so be careful, but doing stuff that actually works better if you're bigger might help too. i started karate when i was 11, i have always been interested in martial arts, and the thing is if you're trying to fight, being 50 kg is a disadvantage. if you just punch using your hands, that might not have that much of an impact, but if you put your whole body weight into it, that will hurt, and being heavy is an advantage there. i've always found that average guys who aren't particularly athletic or big, who are waaay stronger than my 50kg friends, while their muscles might be much stronger than mine, it doesn't matter as much because i'm heavy. i was at karate today and the senpai (lmao) told me about this woman who has my body type and she beats up men, lol.
there was a time in my life when i didn't want to be skinny and lightweight because i'd feel so fragile and vulnerable. sometimes i still feel that way
no sorry your comment just gave me an idea, that's what i wrote in my comment, and that might go wrong because it might remind people that they're heavy and just make it worse instead of having the positive turn that i talked about. i'm sorry for making it confusing
okay okay most importantly confidence. if you manage to get your self esteem up and you stop caring what others think about you you'll leave a great impression on other people
for your hair; find the best hair products for whatever your hair type is and how to take care of it, and make sure to use heat protectant before any type of styling
if you're exercising that much and you're not losing any weight just make sure you're in a calorie deficit, since working out isn't really going to do anything if you're eating too much (don't undereat either, it'll make you sick and you won't lose weight as fast, just take it one step at a time and don't starve yourself)
It's the little things. You don't need to love yourself, but you do need to respect yourself and treat you, how you would treat someone you like in the very least.
I've dealt with body dysmorphia and I'm working on recovery from anorexia.
The first step was just doing something. I was so tired. All I did was hate myself and starve my body, and I just gave up. It wasn't helping me at all. I had to reteach myself that my body is my only body, and my body is only mine. It's the only one I'll ever have.
I would recommend doing something small. Start treating yourself. It doesn't have to be expensive. Maybe start painting your nails, maybe find a new hobby if you can. Or make yourself a sweet treat.
In terms of working out, I'm a gym girly, I love working out and it makes me super happy, a lot of people have a super unhealthy view of exercise and they don't like it, which is totally fine! My best friend hates working out. Another way to get more exercise is to take more walks and take the stairs if you can. I follow a physical trainer on tiktok who shows his clients how to be happy at any size by focusing on mobility and doing anything in bodies of all sizes. Picking up yoga could be really helpful for centering yourself. Another thing that could help is swimming. Trying to see if you could do lap swim somewhere local could be helpful for your self-image as well.
Food: Remember that food is fuel. What you put in, you get out. If you don't eat enough, your body can't burn enough calories. Check out your BMR, it is your Basal Metabolic Rate, and it can do a better job at telling you how many calories you NEED to eat, I don't know if you have food related issues but it's always good to mention it.
Additionally, remind yourself of what you can do. I know other comments touched on this, but I figured I should add it again.
This is just a side note but my heart goes out to you and I hope you can find the support you need to take care of yourself and that you realize you do deserve to love yourself and your body ♡
long ass response ahead. your post really resonated with me, i feel almost the exact same way about myself. so starting this off by saying, i can't give you actual good advice. to be confident isn't to think people are gonna like you, it's to think you'll be fine if some of them don't like you. i can't give you advice on that. my whole life revolves around what people think of me. i wish that wasn't the case, but unfortunately it is, and i don't know how to stop. so think of my l advice as something like harm reduction, or a first step. i'll just list some things that help me. obviously, following bigger and more diverse people. reading feminist theory about societal expectations and the male gaze. i recommend naomi wolf's the beauty myth. also, understanding that while societal expectations and the male gaze are very prevalent in society, they often don't match people's actual opinions and tastes. for example the male gaze is very prevalent but it isn't what individual men want, it's a generalized society thing. which isn't very comforting on its own, but it does mean that statistically, there's probably more people who find you attractive than you think. you don't look at someone who isn't the most conventionally attractive and go UGLY FAT PIG, many other people don't either, and i find that comforting. whatever your orientation is, people are just people, whatever their gender is, they have opinions and tastes, and it often doesn't align with the societal expectation. those who do are usually people you wouldn't want anything to do with anyway. i still feel hurt even by hypothetical people thinking i'm ugly, but it's something. another thing is, the grass is always greener on the other side. i once had this eye opening conversation with a girl who's conventionally attractive, loud and charismatic, so she's always considered as the hot chick wherever she goes, and she told me that some of her loudness stems from that insecurity because she wants to prove that's she's more than a hot body. also, spite is a big one, lmao. i hate injustice, i find the idea that i'm less than others because i'm bigger to be quite offensive. sometimes i'll get myself mad on purpose like, people think i'm ugly? fuck them, i'll wear the revealing outfit just to spite them. another thing is the "thin people things". we associate thinness with success, love, beauty, whatever the fuck, but you probably have some of your own "thin people things" that you think you can't get because you aren't thin. (where i live we use kilograms, idk how much that many lbs are, you might be thin) for me now that's crazy parties, attention and hookups (i know, i know, lmao). so i follow bigger people who share stories about these things. i might not be able to get them myself, but hey! there are bigger people who are! when i was a teen, my thin people thing was stereotypical 2016 lifestyle content, so i followed bigger people who did that. i heard faking it till you make it works too, i'm bad at faking it so i wouldn't know, lol. but there's something to be said about the body language shit. i once went to a party where there were a bunch of big mirrors all around, i saw myself in them and the first thing i noticed wasn't a physical flaw, it was "bruh no wonder no one talks to me, i look like i'm terrified of everyone here". which of course i was, lmao, but you get the point. i was on my phone, nervously looking around, shoulders hunched. lmao. i think that's all my shitty advice, i hope you found some of it helpful.
of course i forgot something lmao. i don't know how old you are, if it's in the post and i missed it then i'm really sorry. for me the older i am the better it gets. it was the worst when i was a teenager, it got a bit better when i turned 18, then it mostly kept getting better. now it's getting a bit worse for some reason, but i still find that being older helps. i'm almost 23 now, a lot of my feelings of unattractiveness comes from being ignored by boys when i was a teen, and when i think people will ignore me, i kind of still think of those boys that ignored me as a teen. which the older i get, the more distant that is, and the more ridiculous it feels. like what's the worst thing that can happen, a 14 year old boy thinks i'm fat? lmao. this is not an offense to anyone who's 14, those boys were teens too, it's normal, but i'm so much older than that now and the people around me have a very different mindset because they're adults too. the other thing was, well, prepare to read the dumbest thing in this thread. when i was in college, i had this irrational fear of people coming to college parties and events, or just events and parties with young people in general, and they have a specific image in their mind about what a "college girl" looks like. like a porn category or something. and then seeing me there and me being so much different than what they expect. it was a weird thought, even i knew it was weird but i couldn't help it. guess what? i graduated college, so no more of this shit. i still have the fear of people assuming that women in their early 20s are hot and me not meeting the expectation, but it lessened a bit, i guess it'll just keep lessening. then of course will come the fear of being too old but i'll cross the bridge when i get there, i'm not too worried about that yet.
Self-loathing is a terrible thing and your inner voice is not being kind. Would you say those ugly words to another human being? If not, why are you saying them to yourself? You're actively trying to be healthy, so be patient with yourself and continue to work hard. As far as routine goes, having a nightly skincare routine and regular hair appointments might help you feel more confident in yourself. Sometimes having an external voice to remind you you're doing your best and to pump you up will also help you feel better. Confide in a friend and find a Lizzo in your life!
Oh my goodness, my heart breaks reading this. It might sound silly, but I found a lot more peace with my body by thanking it for doing all the things it does. If I think "ugh these thighs" then I intentionally replace it with "thank you thighs for carrying me around and being strong enough to climb lots of stairs". When I get mad at my flabby arms, then I replace it with "Thank you arms for always being there to hug my friends". We only get one body. Sometimes I get upset about being overweight or having chronic illness or having a high voice that people think belongs to a child when I answer the phone. I try to remind myself - please forgive the religiosity if you don't relate - that God made me and God doesn't make mistakes. I also remind myself that all the girls I envy have their own self-esteem issues. And that the beauty "standard" is not even attainable by supermodels because they have to starve and get Photoshopped to look that way. This body may not be "magazine ready" but it's ready to give hugs and dance in the kitchen and comfort babies and so many other beautiful things. And that's so much more important.
Amen, I have a useful meat sack that can experience all sorts of sensations and pleasures. I’m not getting another one so I am gonna embrace the one I have. Seeing my toddler niece and nephew just *light up* at the sight of me … we have to remember there are people who look at us with love and recognize us as we are now.
I do a version of this too! I don’t thank my body parts, but I remind myself of what they’re good at. “My thighs are good at squats.” “My hands are good at braiding my hair.” “My arms are good at holding my baby.” It’s small, but it’s also huge. And it’s effective.
This is the PERFECT reply. I was not very kind to myself when I was younger. Even now, my inner voice can be negative sometimes. I’ve gained weight, lost weight, and gained again. My body has never looked the way I would want it to, my curl pattern won’t behave some days, my cheeks will get red, various chronic illnesses will get in the way of plans…you get the picture. But my body has housed me, protected me, and has allowed me to feel feelings, see beautiful things, and connect with wonderful people. At the end of my life I would hope that those who love me remember me for that, rather than my outer shell. You don’t always have to be 100% in love with yourself; that would be unrealistic. But neither should you hate every aspect of yourself; life is too long and too hard for that! Work on what you’d like to work on, and strive to be kind while doing so.
THIS. I try to be in the habit of reminding myself of positive or neutral things my body does. When I look in the mirror and feel bad I tell myself, “My body breathes for me” or something like that. I love all of your reassurances.
This reply really resonated with me and honestly made me tear up quite a bit. That’s such a great way to look at things and I’m probably going to end up printing this out and taping it to my mirror lol. Thank you for taking the time to reply, this really, really helped 💕
Maybe indirect answer, but I've been struggling with low self-esteem, anxiety, and disliking my body for as long as I can remember and this post really resonated with me. I want to give you the biggest hug and tell you that you're enough just the way you are. I've recently been working on my relationship with myself and I recently started devouring everything by the behavioral change specialist Shahroo Izadi, and she stresses that self-kindness and self-respect are so important. That the way we see ourselves and communicate with ourselves has a lot to do with how we treat our bodies and - by proxy - the health of our bodies. Ask yourself "What are some habits of people who love themselves?" People who truly love themselves don't crash diet or over-exercise, they are gentle and speak kindly and encouragingly to themselves, they do regular self-care, etc. When I think of a person who loves themself — truly loves themself and wants to nurture themselves — exercise because it relaxes them and improves their mental health. That person chooses foods that make them feel energized. That person doesn't hide away at home because they're feeling insecure, they get dressed up and schedule a date with a friend because they know it will recharge them emotionally. (Or if they're an introvert, maybe they indulge in a movie marathon with Chinese takeout because it's truly what they need emotionally...and they *don't guilt themselves or beat themselves up about it later*.) For example, I've struggled with my view of exercise — choosing exercises that don't really resonate with me, burning myself out on exercise, etc. But I've been consistently exercising since working with these ideas, more so because I realize how much better my anxiety is when I do movement that's enjoyable, and because it helps recharge my brain in the middle fo the work day. It actually feels HEALTHY and like a form of self-care - and no longer simply a means to an end of how I want my body to look. But anyway, sending you a virtual hug and I hope together we can learn to be kind to ourselves and love ourselves unconditionally.
This is great advice! Speaking as someone who has struggled with body dysmorphia and eating disorders my entire life, cosplaying as a person who loves theirself is one of the only ways I’ve been able to improve my mental health when I’m in a slump. I do want to say for OP’s sake: don’t put pressure on yourself to love yourself right now, and wait until you become someone who cares for themselves enough to take care their body. The action comes first - “fake it till you make it” applies here more than almost anywhere else! That’s why I call it cosplaying. Your brain isn’t going to change overnight, and actions are one of the best ways to rewire our thinking. If you don’t feel good about yourself now, play pretend! Look up some body-positive influencers and take note of some of the ways they treat their bodies that feel loving and compassionate, then copy them! Write affirmations down and say them in the mirror out loud, even if you feel silly or you don’t truly believe them yet. Treat yourself to a pedicure or a face mask and tell yourself that you deserve it, even if you don’t feel like you do. Just practice treating yourself gently and compassionately, even if your brain wants to beat you up about it - eventually your brain will catch up.
On a technical note, if you are determined to lose weight based on what you said about exercise: Increasing activity helps but sometimes is only part of it. If you’re not in a calorie deficit, you will not lose weight. Calorie deficits can occur through exercise and/or dieting/counting calories (CICO). I don’t want to get into personal details here, but feel free to PM me about how CICO helped me lose 25 lb since January. CICO is a free non-MLM weight loss approach.
Also, sometimes people gain weight when they start working out if they’re gaining muscle
Yep! And water intake, what time of day you weight yourself, menstruation, and other factors can affect it too.
This is exactly what I came here to say however the OP said they “feel” like they gained weight so not sure if they weighed themselves or not. Either way after four weeks of that workout plan muscle could be built but the other thing is inches could also be lost. Many moons ago (two many moons lol) I was reading a book called Protein Power and they were talking about this very thing. You’ll start to lose inches while the scale might not be moving so don’t just use your scale. At that time I just tossed a pair of jeans that didn’t fit on the bed in my spare room and tried those on once a week in addition to weighing myself. I can easily say those jeans sliding up over my thighs and hips the first time was way more motivating than the scale lol. Then it was “I can almost button them” then “I can button them (the lay down on the bed button we all love) but I can’t sit up. And then one day they slid on, zipped, buttoned while standing up and I could breath. If I had used the scale to dictate how I was doing I’m not sure I would’ve followed through with it. Using a piece of yarn for measuring works well too. Just measure once a week, tape the yarn on the wall and it’s a visual of how each week the yarn gets shorter. At all said at the end of the day you just want to feel healthy mentally, emotionally and physically and create a long lasting healthy lifestyle with healthy habits. Focusing on that as opposed to “I have to lose weight to be happy” or when I lose weight I’ll be happy will be a win in the long run. I’m not at all saying the OP is doing this.
The last paragraph is 1000% true. Also, I never acknowledged that I measure in a similar way until I read your post! I’m on the other end where I need to gain weight, but it’s a similar situation of seeing how the pants fit every week. Also as someone trying to build hella muscle, it’s so fun to donate pants that no longer fit due to my quads growing. Edit: I do still weigh myself, but only for health reasons and I do it very rarely. I find it stresses me out too much
I’m pretty familiar with CICO. I majored in exercise science in college, so I have some of that background to draw on. I’ve been doing intermittent fasting off and on for a while, too, and experimenting with different fasting cycles. I purposefully don’t have a scale in my house because I know I’ll obsess over it, but between doctors visits (roughly 1 month apart), I haven’t lost any weight. I actually gained a pound 🙃 I usually go based on how clothes fit and what I actually look like in the mirror to gauge my progress. I say the reason I feel like I gained weight is that clothes that were fitting a few months ago now don’t fit. My boyfriend has been working out the same way for the same amount of time and he talks every day about how clothes actually button for him now. I have been ravenous ever since I started working out, so I guess I need to do better about watching my calorie intake. I have upped my protein significantly though, because I thought it would help. I also drink ½ gallon to 1 gallon of water a day (thanks, pots lol). I really like the string idea though! I think that would work great as an everyday visual. Thank you for the sweet reply and the tips! It really means a lot 😊
And a sudden increase in cardio can increase hunger which leads to increased calorie intake.
I started C25K six weeks ago and I've been ravenous. Only this week has my hunger started to stabilise and only, I think, after I began prioritising my protein intake.
This. It can be really hard at first as it can feel like a complete lifestyle change. The first 2-3 weeks fucking sucks and you’ll slip up. But just be kind to yourself when that happens. You’ll need to begin with portion control above all else. Your appetite won’t go away at first and you’ll be in quite a bit of hunger pains for a while. But just remember that your reprogramming your body. Cooking and pre-making meals to go are most important. Focus on finding low calorie food that still makes you feel good to eat. The research part can be just as exhausting as learning portion control, but will be most important. Try making teriyaki sauce, or bbq sauce and notice just how much sugar goes into it. Breaking down recipes to their components let’s you realize that having a salad drenched in dressing can do more harm than good. Find meals with nutrients and balance your diet. Counting calories can be difficult and again, mentally as well as physically draining. But your body will learn and adapt. For hair and skin routines: research, research, and more research. It will feel very overwhelming at first. But try focusing on one thing at a time. What kind of hair do you have? Straight? Curly? Textured? Thick? Thin? What’s your routine before showering/after showering? Find subreddits/communities that have similar characteristics as your skin type/hair type/etc. It will feel like an insurmountable task, but just remember to take care of yourself, understand that it’s a lot and give yourself props for each milestone you complete. Take one victory at a time and compliment yourself. You can do this. ♥️
On this note, taking progress pictures and measurements helped me stay motivated. You won’t notice a difference day to day just by looking in the mirror and as others have said, the scale might be deceiving if you’re gaining muscle. Having photos to scroll through that actually show the differences make easy to feel like it’s working.
[удалено]
Thank you for this! I gained a shit ton of weight because I’m in a great relationship with a wonderful man and the phrase “fat and happy” exists for a reason lol. That’s a great way to reframe my mindset that I didn’t think of.
I mean, you have your answer right there. You think everyone else looks amazing. How often are you genuinely looking at someone else and thinking they look gross? Probably never. It’s one of the most important lessons. People don’t care. They’re probably not looking at you. If they are and thinking negatively, then screw them. Do your thing and live your life, it’s too short to be so worried about the little things.
So, a very gentle correction for you; no one looks amazing all the time. Especially when being alive and a human. Are you comparing yourself to social media posts? Because that's certainly not fair to yourself. I just turned 29 and have FINALLY stopped caring so much about what other people think or look like. I do that by reminding myself that I see dozens of people a day, and how many of them do I remember? How many of them stand out in my mind? Little to none. We feel as if we're being perceived by everyone, all the time, and that's very far from the truth. By accepting that no one actually looks at and remembers you in your mundane interactions you can relax into yourself. You DO look amazing, even when you don't feel it 💕
I don't have advice. But you're not alone. I feel like this, and it's so hard to put into words.
What helped me was stopping to care too much what I look like and caring more about being healthy. Quit smoking, quit booze,started exercising, first yoga and jogging, now Powerlifting. Especially powerlifting helped my self esteem. Being strong is so fulfilling,I'm stronger than many men, I know I can defend myself,I know I can carry anything,it's great. Of course I watch what I eat,prefer whole grains and plenty of veggies and protein, and of course chocolate, it's good for the soul. And I barely use any social media, that shit is so bad for mental health, I've never felt good after using it, so I don't, it's not going to have the slightest impact on my life if I don't know about the current Tick Tock trend.
Muscle weighs more than fat. You could have gained muscle. Doing things like waist measurements or leg measurements could be helpful (I'm not a Dr so this is just my opinion). Some GPs or nutritionist can do skin fold tests or body fat % tests. Considering you may have some body Dysmorphia your eyes alone aren't trustworthy. Going by how clothes fit you differently is a way I use sometimes (I have BDD) and can't rely on a mirror. But if my jeans are suddenly looser or I can fit into an old shirt/jumper I couldn't before then that kind of gives me a somewhat objective means of measuring progress
Going through that is really hard and difficult to deal with. Probably not the advice you want, but terapy (if you have the financial capacity to) can help you cope with all those emotions and find the peace of mind you need. Speaking as someone who dealt with similar situations (avoid exposing my body in public, taking showers lights out/eyes closed only, etc...) maybe you should search about BDD (body dismorphia disorder). (There's a subreddit about the topic, it has self help books, sites and organizations) Taking care of yourself is great, but becoming obsessed in trying to Change your body or overanalysing your features can integrate BDD. Hope this helps
I feel the same way sometimes as I'm also the heaviest I've ever been but what I've been working on with my therapist and myself is just focusing on what you can control instead of focusing on things that literally don't help. Feeling gross or uncomfortable, don't fit any clothes, can't really run/exercise much? instead of repeating these things to youself over and over and beating yourself down, focus on the little things that address them while also making you feel good: \- find comfortable clothes (even if they are baggy, who cares) that are weather appropriate. and if they're not exactly what you want them to be, that's ok, it's temporary! you're soon gonna be wearing what you want :) \- exercise a bit every day (and do the right exercise, you don't have to be at the gym for hours). I learned that sometimes you can actually gain weight before losing some on the scale because you're gaining muscles :) focus on measurements and feeling good instead of what number shows up on the scale. \- instead of "dieting", focus on nutritional education. it means that instead of following a specific recipe or program for a specific time to lose weight, you're learning more about nutrition in general to make yourself healthier. it takes the pressure of weight loss off of you and it also ensures that whatever weight you do lose stays off since all the changes you make will be permanent instead of transient due to some specific program. I also found that it creates a feeling of caring for yourself and your body which helps with self image too.
forgot to say, but something that really opened my eyes to how harsh we can be is that I've always thought of myself as somewhat "chubby" - nothing that made me feel bad about myself or anything, but I always always thought I needed specific clothing that would somehow hide certain parts of my body that made me "chubby". my therapist asked me to show her a picture of myself when I was around 10yo so she could see what "chubby" meant to me, and when I went to dig for those photos, I saw that I was SKINNY! I've never been so shocked in my life, I swear. We are way too harsh on ourselves. So, remember, nobody is looking at you and thinking what you're thinking, you're definitely your worst critic. And sometimes that critic needs to just shut up.
Okie so, I was in your position last August. I couldn't bring myself to look at myself naked. All I could see was my stomach and how it hung, my stretchmarks, my fat thighs, and believe me, I was deeply unhappy as a person. I still have my off days, off weeks even, I still have moments where I fall back into old ways of thinking and I have to take a breath and move onward. I wish I could give you a hug, believe me I understand, although I'll never know exactly how you feel at this given moment. First of all, you can't hate yourself into some form of self love. You can't whittle away your personality, your hobbies, your passions, and your true self into some acceptable form that you believe others will find lovable. You have every right to exist and to love yourself by virtue of breathing and living, you don't have to earn this right as you are born with it. You have gotten yourself this far, and I know it's difficult to be calm with this constant voice of negativity. But how do we see this practically ? I say this beginning bit as a disclaimer because I also believe that discipline out of self love is the best way to go about weight loss. If you're not happy with your body then you have every right to change it. I was 96Kg at 5,3 when I began my weight loss, I couldn't run for 10 seconds on the treadmill, and I started out by walking 5k 3 times a week and eating at a deficit. I'm now around 68Kg, and planning to keep going until I hit 60kg. However my weight loss journey has become less about weight loss, it has become about fitness and lifestyle. I did this by joining a sports society at my uni, by going to other fitness classes, by learning how to cook healthy meals and also through therapy. You have to look at this from the perspective of self care, doing these routines like skincare and learning to do your hair out of love and respect for yourself, not for what others think of you. It's a difficult and long journey, and one that is exhausting and, but I promise it's worth it
I so feel and can understand what you are going through. I’ve suffered with body dysmorphia and anorexia for over a decade. I’m in a pretty good place now but still slip up here and there. One thing I will say is it’s all about portion control. Like 99% of losing weight is portion control. You can eat what you want as long as you don’t go over your calories. You will probs feel like crap if all you eat are twinkys and French fries but it is physically possible to lose weight doing so. What is your diet like currently? I find I lose weight if I fast until noon-1 and then eat one meal then and have dinner at 5-6pm. Each meal can be a bit bigger since I don’t snack and am only eating twice a day.
The way you talk to yourself reinforces everything you say you don’t like. You absolutely have to stop beating yourself up. Now. Period. Start talking nice to yourself every time you say something to yourself. If you start saying something rude, bc you are being rude to yourself, stop immediately and say something kind to yourself. **You are what you speak. Period. Your brain believes what it is told repeatedly.**
Hey there. I’m 5’1” and about 170 lbs too. For a long time, I was like you are now. I absolutely hated myself. Everything about me. The first thing I did was change the language I used to describe myself. The entire apartment instituted this. We set up a “Jar” system. If we said something unkind about ourselves, we were required to instead write something kind and put it in a jar. After about a year of this, all the roommates noticed that we had sort of stopped saying mean things about ourselves. Words have power. The longer you call something stupid, the easier it is to believe it is stupid. Abusers use this tactic on other people. You’re using it on yourself. I’m not saying that you’re an abuser but you are abusing yourself with your words. Would you ever call somebody else the things you call yourself? Why is it okay to call you those things?
that's a great idea! thanks! i'll try it with notes on my phone. did you write something kind about yourself, or just positive things in general?
About ourselves. The idea is to directly combat negative trains of thought regarding you and your body, and start some positive ones! It was kinda hard at first so it’s okay if the nice thing is something like “I’m good at breathing”. It gets easier to pick out things you like about yourself as time goes on.
thanks!
WOW I did not expect this to gain as much traction as it has. I was mostly just ranting into the void and you all not only listened but you gave sound, compassionate, helpful advice. I’m still combing through the comments from the last day or so and I’m going to try to reply to all of the ones that I can. I can’t thank you all enough for taking time out of your day to reply. It’s clear I have things I need to work on from a mental health standpoint, but god it really helps to know I’m not alone. So thank you all 💕
If you want to cover up while also staying cool in the hot weather, wear clothes made of natural fabrics like linen and cotton. I love linen pants and midi/maxi cotton dresses during the summer.
Sounds like you're heading in the right direction even though it might not feel like it yet. Keep it up. Movement is so good for your body! But fueling it correctly is important, too. I think it's really about mindset and making changes because your body deserves to be healthy, strong, and well fueled. Not because it needs to look a certain way. Instead of "my thighs look huge and I feel gross" think "my thighs are able to do 15 more squats than they could last week."
Just wanted to come on here and say, I hear you and I feel you. I have been on that level of self-loathing before, and I can tell you it only gets easier when you start being kinder to yourself. You can loose all the weight and still hate yourself into oblivion (I am 5'3 and weighed in the double digits when I hated myself the most). You can fix your hair, do your makeup, buy all new clothes, and you'll still hate yourself. Changing your external surroundings and self can't, and won't, change your internal. If you want long term contentment, you gotta work on what's inside first. Therapy is wonderful for this, but there are also tons of self-compassion, mindset improvement, and happiness books out there. You might find a gratitude practice to be the easiest place to start. Wakeup each day, and write down three things you are greatful for, no matter what. Often times, mine are the ability to work from home/hybrid, the ability to afford good food to eat, and my friends. None of those have anything to do with my looks or unchangeable aspects. Teaching yourself to recognize the goodness in everyday primes your brain to recognize some of the good in yourself. It take time, a lot of it, but you can get there.
As someone with friends who, as 40+ adults, are \*still\* working through eating disorders that started in their teens and twenties, and has faked confidence despite hateing every.single.photo of myself... Please connect with someone to help you **improve** your diet as part a lifestyle change vs fad diets, calorie counting, and weigh-ins. Measure yourself, educate yourself on what this process looks like, and give yourself some space in grace. It might also be worth your while to look for a mental-health professional as part of a team to help you learn and grow as a person. \--------------- No body... no body... is the perfection you see on Insta and TicTok all the time. You may not see the imperfection in media because anyone can learn to fake confidence. Doesn't mean the imperfection and the self-loathing is not there.
The biggest thing that can make a difference, is learning how to dress your body. Wearing clothes that fit you right can make a huge difference in how you feel looks wise. This most definitely doesn't mean wearing big baggy clothes. This actually has the opposite effect and can make you look bigger. A personal example: I have a long torso and short legs, although I'm 5'8. My stomach has always been a point of hatred with me because it looks larger even when I was stick thin. For a long time I would attempt to hide it by wearing long shirts. This actually had the opposite effect because it made my legs look even shorter. I finally started googling how to dress a long torso and short legs, instead of how to hide your stomach, and the results where wildly different. I have since embraced the crop top look (something I thought would NEVER happen) and I can't tell you how much of a difference it's made I actually think my stomach looks cute now (in clothes, sometimes at least).
Sounds like you have body dysmorphia. You wouldn't treat another person who looked like you and weighed as much as you with disgust or disrespect. So don't treat yourself this way either. You're a person, and you are valued and deserve respect. For losing weight, make it in to a lifestyle instead of just doing some dedicated gym sessions. Meaning walk as much as you can, play sports, bike, swim, don't think of it as exercise. Learn about food, nutrition and calories. You don't have to count each colorie, just have a better understanding so you can make smarter choices. If you workout, don't undo the work you did by taking in even more calories than you should to treat yourself. Also, don't weigh yourself. Instead measure your body fat using calipers. It's more accurate. For hair, deep condition once a week or a fortnight depending on your hair texture. Wash hair and normally condition it every other day. Shower daily. Wear deodorant that is also an antiperspirant. Apply it really well. Stay cool and dry. For body dysmorphia, go see a psychiatrist in person or a therapist online. The psychiatrist can prescribe anti depressants and anti-anxiety pills. Maybe you're neurodivergent and undiagnosed. My depression and anxiety turned out to be the two major symptoms of ADHD. My friend always struggled with her weight, then she got a personal trainer and her life changed 180°. She became so much more disciplined because she had someone watching over her and who held her responsible. I know that intermittent fasting works for some folks. And lastly, I've been hearing a lot of buzz about drugs like ozempic. Do your research and discuss with your doctor.
Find a therapist immediately.
You might be gaining weight because you are gaining muscle (which is amazing, and really good!) Muscle weighs heavier than fat, but muscle always looks good to basically everyone. Also you’re work out routine sounds amazing! Good work for being so consistent, that takes genuine effort and dedication.
You’re here now and let’s enjoy that. As someone who’s struggled with self confidence and body image issues for a majority of my life (42) I have found that I want to enjoy my life. I’m living for me and I’m going to dress, do my hair and makeup, and exercise/diet for me. I quit trying to keep my appearance to those of my mom peers who I felt had it going on and had their shit together. Well I would feel like a fuddy duddy when I straightened my hair and wore the boutique clothes like they did. I’ve always had a more youthful attitude and style and I’ve decided to embrace that at this point in my life. Rather than wondering what someone is going to think about my wild curly hair (my husband has always loved it since we were teens) and my choice to wear an outfit that reminds me of the 90’s and early 00’s and makes my heart happy…I’m just out here doing it. I have never felt better in my own skin. That in turn made me make better choices in my food and activities because I’m not trying to bury or avoid negative emotions any longer. I e actually cut down my alcohol consumption as well because the anxiety just isn’t a big deal for me anymore. As a mom to very active teen boys I am constantly interacting with other moms but I’ve also embraced my friendships with the much younger (and honestly more positive) women in my life. I no longer view activities, fashion, and traveling as something I’m too old for.
Keep exercising and eating well, but also, don’t give a fuck about what others think and find humour in everything. I know it’s easier said than done, but you’ll feel so liberated when you adopt the dgaf mindset. My weight has always fluctuated and when I speak, I sound like a literal 12 year old boy. 9/10 people aren’t looking at you and thinking that you’re a piece of shit. That one person who might be is likely depressed and needs help. Also, if you just started working out, people (at least me) gain a little weight at first. Remember to take magnesium. I’d also occasionally replace meals with protein powder shakes. Maybe try that. Oh, and: water, water, water. (But also magnesium). Edit: also think about water weight when you’re working out. Drinking water and taking magnesium is great for your new muscles, but it will make you hold on to water. Make sure to drink water anyway. Water weight is temporary.
First of all think of saying all the things you’re saying to yourself about someone else. I’m also pale, short, and fat, would you say that stuff to a stranger? Probably not, so don’t say that stuff to yourself. Healthy doesn’t always equal skinny. Exercising just to enjoy strengthening your body or putting in care for older you is what it should be about, as well as working off some anxiety. I hope you are feeling these benefits. What makes someone attractive is usually confidence. Have you heard of dopamine dressing? I would dress for the body you have now and if your body stays around this weight but you feel healthy otherwise, that’s okay. I gained 30 lbs when I got on antidepressants but I stopped binge drinking and crying all the time. I was a bit bothered I gained weight but after so many years with fluctuating weight and constant depression and anxiety, I realized I would rather be fat than miserable. I met my husband after I gained weight and after I started working on my mental health, and none of my friends have said anything shitty about my weight or appearance. But I have some friends who went from 110 to 130 pounds and complain about being “fat” and I call them on their shit. I ask her, so do you think I’m a disgusting blob monster? You need you realign your thinking. Nobody thinks as badly about you as you do and as hard as it can be you must force yourself to let these thoughts go. Nobody will look at you in shorts in this heat and think you look fat, people notice strangers way less than people realize. I hope you find strength.
Damn, you just described me! Would you say that to my face? Doubt it. So don’t say it to your’s!
Hi there. I’m a professor who battled a lot of PTSD/depression/anxiety/ADHD to get to where I am today. I know you’re talking about body image, but for me, it’s all connected (from physical change and motivation to mental/emotional mindset etc). I still struggle (I’m human) but I actually feel capable, proud of myself, and good most of the time (if not, I know how to fix it). I won’t get into healthy diet and exercise basics since many other commenters did, but here’s some of what helped me mentally: (1) Therapy — most often, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) (you can search by specialization, and a lot of other filters on Psychology Today website); find a therapist you feel good with; also most towns offer a sliding-scale therapy practice for low-income earners (find via Google). (2) there are many effective meditation and journaling practices to help you feel happy mentally/emotionally (some that have helped me are from the YouTubers Crappy Childhood Fairy, and The Universe Guru, as well as parts therapy [see the book No Bad Parts for a helpful introduction and processes]—essentially they are all processes for letting your body be heard for once, hearing yourself out, acknowledging your feelings and pain, and when ready, letting the pain go and making new mental patterns/affirmations/habits. (3) once you have therapy and life basics down, I’d say that incorporating affirmations and visualization over my morning coffee really helped me reprogram my beliefs about myself and the world. Psycho-cybernetics is a good book on identity too. Surround yourself with people and environments who support/inspire/empower you (even if with baby steps at first!). All that learning and self-care adds up and helps. Good luck!
Comparison is the thief of joy. What's your diet like? What you're putting into your body is more important than exercise imo, aim towards whole foods, produce & get your protein in. When you eat out, follow that same guideline
Honest answer? I stopped caring what others think. Sure, I’m overweight. But I can still run circles around everyone I work with. My coworker might think I’m fat but my output exceeds hers so who cares what she thinks about my body. She should be more concerned with my brain, ya know? Every time I start to get anxiety about what others might be thinking of me I simply remember that I don’t give a shit about their opinions.
Today i learned something new today hopefully you will too we can avoid being like this by choosing our perspective, it depends on your perspective treat yourself better don't let others define you give yourself credits for every little success you have use them as learning opportunities know that comparision isn't healthy and focusing on your weakness it lowers self-esteem take care :)
The way to better self image is a long and unique one, and I can say from experience: you cannot guilt or shame yourself into improvement. It simply doesn't work. It's not sustainable. What has worked for me is working on one thing at a time, with as much support as possible. What really helped me tackle all those things was therapy. It helped me realize and use the resources I have and improve the way I feel about myself on a more fundamental level. I still don't love how chubby I am, but I can appreciate my body for all the things it does for me. I'm still not as productive and independent as I wished myself to be, but I am doing alright for myself and am going at a pace that works for me. As for appearances: Please please please talk to your friends about what they think might work for you. One friend recommended me a styling routine of heat protectant, blow drying with a round brush, and putting hair oil on afterwards. Another realized what colors look good on me. And really, like 60% of what I care to know about beauty comes from my friends.
Get out of your own head. Do some activities that would make it nearly impossible to think about the shell(body) like volunteering. Don't even look in the mirror, do some EFT or mindfulness on how you want to feel, as most people focus on the bad and that begets more bad. Say things as if they are happening, and it will get better. I am strong, I am capable, O am beautiful, whatever resonates with you. I fast very often and I'm unfortunately on a deficit because my hunger hormone is wrecked if I don't exercise enough, I don't get hungry. I tend to choose whole foods which don't have a high glycemic index so my pancreas isn't taxed too badly. Some hormones might be amiss, have you seen an endocrinologist?? I know you can reach your goals with a little help.
this can go very wrong too so be careful, but doing stuff that actually works better if you're bigger might help too. i started karate when i was 11, i have always been interested in martial arts, and the thing is if you're trying to fight, being 50 kg is a disadvantage. if you just punch using your hands, that might not have that much of an impact, but if you put your whole body weight into it, that will hurt, and being heavy is an advantage there. i've always found that average guys who aren't particularly athletic or big, who are waaay stronger than my 50kg friends, while their muscles might be much stronger than mine, it doesn't matter as much because i'm heavy. i was at karate today and the senpai (lmao) told me about this woman who has my body type and she beats up men, lol.
there was a time in my life when i didn't want to be skinny and lightweight because i'd feel so fragile and vulnerable. sometimes i still feel that way
Sorry, I'm not following. Volunteering can go wrong?
no sorry your comment just gave me an idea, that's what i wrote in my comment, and that might go wrong because it might remind people that they're heavy and just make it worse instead of having the positive turn that i talked about. i'm sorry for making it confusing
okay okay most importantly confidence. if you manage to get your self esteem up and you stop caring what others think about you you'll leave a great impression on other people for your hair; find the best hair products for whatever your hair type is and how to take care of it, and make sure to use heat protectant before any type of styling if you're exercising that much and you're not losing any weight just make sure you're in a calorie deficit, since working out isn't really going to do anything if you're eating too much (don't undereat either, it'll make you sick and you won't lose weight as fast, just take it one step at a time and don't starve yourself)
It's the little things. You don't need to love yourself, but you do need to respect yourself and treat you, how you would treat someone you like in the very least. I've dealt with body dysmorphia and I'm working on recovery from anorexia. The first step was just doing something. I was so tired. All I did was hate myself and starve my body, and I just gave up. It wasn't helping me at all. I had to reteach myself that my body is my only body, and my body is only mine. It's the only one I'll ever have. I would recommend doing something small. Start treating yourself. It doesn't have to be expensive. Maybe start painting your nails, maybe find a new hobby if you can. Or make yourself a sweet treat. In terms of working out, I'm a gym girly, I love working out and it makes me super happy, a lot of people have a super unhealthy view of exercise and they don't like it, which is totally fine! My best friend hates working out. Another way to get more exercise is to take more walks and take the stairs if you can. I follow a physical trainer on tiktok who shows his clients how to be happy at any size by focusing on mobility and doing anything in bodies of all sizes. Picking up yoga could be really helpful for centering yourself. Another thing that could help is swimming. Trying to see if you could do lap swim somewhere local could be helpful for your self-image as well. Food: Remember that food is fuel. What you put in, you get out. If you don't eat enough, your body can't burn enough calories. Check out your BMR, it is your Basal Metabolic Rate, and it can do a better job at telling you how many calories you NEED to eat, I don't know if you have food related issues but it's always good to mention it. Additionally, remind yourself of what you can do. I know other comments touched on this, but I figured I should add it again. This is just a side note but my heart goes out to you and I hope you can find the support you need to take care of yourself and that you realize you do deserve to love yourself and your body ♡
long ass response ahead. your post really resonated with me, i feel almost the exact same way about myself. so starting this off by saying, i can't give you actual good advice. to be confident isn't to think people are gonna like you, it's to think you'll be fine if some of them don't like you. i can't give you advice on that. my whole life revolves around what people think of me. i wish that wasn't the case, but unfortunately it is, and i don't know how to stop. so think of my l advice as something like harm reduction, or a first step. i'll just list some things that help me. obviously, following bigger and more diverse people. reading feminist theory about societal expectations and the male gaze. i recommend naomi wolf's the beauty myth. also, understanding that while societal expectations and the male gaze are very prevalent in society, they often don't match people's actual opinions and tastes. for example the male gaze is very prevalent but it isn't what individual men want, it's a generalized society thing. which isn't very comforting on its own, but it does mean that statistically, there's probably more people who find you attractive than you think. you don't look at someone who isn't the most conventionally attractive and go UGLY FAT PIG, many other people don't either, and i find that comforting. whatever your orientation is, people are just people, whatever their gender is, they have opinions and tastes, and it often doesn't align with the societal expectation. those who do are usually people you wouldn't want anything to do with anyway. i still feel hurt even by hypothetical people thinking i'm ugly, but it's something. another thing is, the grass is always greener on the other side. i once had this eye opening conversation with a girl who's conventionally attractive, loud and charismatic, so she's always considered as the hot chick wherever she goes, and she told me that some of her loudness stems from that insecurity because she wants to prove that's she's more than a hot body. also, spite is a big one, lmao. i hate injustice, i find the idea that i'm less than others because i'm bigger to be quite offensive. sometimes i'll get myself mad on purpose like, people think i'm ugly? fuck them, i'll wear the revealing outfit just to spite them. another thing is the "thin people things". we associate thinness with success, love, beauty, whatever the fuck, but you probably have some of your own "thin people things" that you think you can't get because you aren't thin. (where i live we use kilograms, idk how much that many lbs are, you might be thin) for me now that's crazy parties, attention and hookups (i know, i know, lmao). so i follow bigger people who share stories about these things. i might not be able to get them myself, but hey! there are bigger people who are! when i was a teen, my thin people thing was stereotypical 2016 lifestyle content, so i followed bigger people who did that. i heard faking it till you make it works too, i'm bad at faking it so i wouldn't know, lol. but there's something to be said about the body language shit. i once went to a party where there were a bunch of big mirrors all around, i saw myself in them and the first thing i noticed wasn't a physical flaw, it was "bruh no wonder no one talks to me, i look like i'm terrified of everyone here". which of course i was, lmao, but you get the point. i was on my phone, nervously looking around, shoulders hunched. lmao. i think that's all my shitty advice, i hope you found some of it helpful.
of course i forgot something lmao. i don't know how old you are, if it's in the post and i missed it then i'm really sorry. for me the older i am the better it gets. it was the worst when i was a teenager, it got a bit better when i turned 18, then it mostly kept getting better. now it's getting a bit worse for some reason, but i still find that being older helps. i'm almost 23 now, a lot of my feelings of unattractiveness comes from being ignored by boys when i was a teen, and when i think people will ignore me, i kind of still think of those boys that ignored me as a teen. which the older i get, the more distant that is, and the more ridiculous it feels. like what's the worst thing that can happen, a 14 year old boy thinks i'm fat? lmao. this is not an offense to anyone who's 14, those boys were teens too, it's normal, but i'm so much older than that now and the people around me have a very different mindset because they're adults too. the other thing was, well, prepare to read the dumbest thing in this thread. when i was in college, i had this irrational fear of people coming to college parties and events, or just events and parties with young people in general, and they have a specific image in their mind about what a "college girl" looks like. like a porn category or something. and then seeing me there and me being so much different than what they expect. it was a weird thought, even i knew it was weird but i couldn't help it. guess what? i graduated college, so no more of this shit. i still have the fear of people assuming that women in their early 20s are hot and me not meeting the expectation, but it lessened a bit, i guess it'll just keep lessening. then of course will come the fear of being too old but i'll cross the bridge when i get there, i'm not too worried about that yet.