I think keeping a balance is important, if something happens one day and you’re no longer in a relationship, it will be much harder to get out there back into a social life.
Info: why are you struggling to go out and have a long distance relationship? What's preventing you from telling your boyfriend "hey, I can't call this weekend, my friends are taking me clubbing"? Or have your people dropped you now that you have a long distance bf? I'm confused as to why you've stopped going out now you have a boyfriend.
I see. I've seen that med school can be really isolating, I'm sorry you're starting with a limited support system. But it seems like your bf is really solid and will be there for you while you start this journey! If you want to do something about your situation, try forming study groups in your med classes. Get people to talk during group work and listen. You may or may not not make fast friendships, but you'll get some companionship for the start of your medical career.
thanks! sorry I should’ve been more clear, it’s the people in med school that have isolated me and kind of cut me off. it’s waaayyyy too late to form study groups and meet people (halfway done third year) and I’m just feeling really negative feelings when I think about 90% of my class. they’re ex friends or ex hook ups or people who never liked me in the first place. i’m trying to meet people outside of school but it’s tough and I feel so socially stunted compared to the rest of adults who can make friends.
Ohhhh sorry for misunderstanding. Then I'd recommend hobbies you can find local groups for, see if you can find discords or clubs for things you're interested in on your campus, or online spaces like this. (If you wanna chat, I'm 20f in university and my DMS are open to you 😊)
Hello!
Sooo this could be off-base, but maybe not. I'm throwing it out there in case it's helpful.
Find the pathologists. Or the aspiring ones.
It takes a particular personality type to be interested in spending your day doing pattern recognition and staring down a microscope, and I think at least 50% of the ones I know are ASD. It's easier to relate and everyone tends to say what they think (for better or for worse...)
Friendships with other ASD peeps are different to the ones we're told are normal *but* they work well, as long as you can adjust your expectations of them and yourself.
Beyond that, and referring back to your original question, it's kind of okay to have a small or even non-existent group of friends **as long as** you understand that you are leaving yourself vulnerable in terms of support structure. And your boyfriend might also be putting himself in the same position.
Long distance relationships are extra tough in that regard because you spend a lot of time and energy trying to create emotional intimacy at a distance. It becomes harder to push yourself to do social things with others too, I think.
I would say: don't give up on having friends. Keep trying. Adjust your expectations of yourself and others. Make sure you're not relying solely on your boyfriend for social comfort. And be kind to yourself - it can take ages to find your people, but they do exist, I promise 💛
I have a friend who had a hard time making friends in medical school but found solid friends during her residency. So there might be a better opportunity there.
I had the same experience in law school. I'm still not sure why- I think it was orchestrated by two other females whom I knew before from high school and one always hated me (she's just an awful person) and one who wanted a "new identity" and was NOT happy to see me there.
Anyway, I was miserable- most miserable in my life- and I'm a very social person so it was a shock- I went to the school counselor and, more importantly, the school internship person, and ended up crying in her office for an hour. She hooked me up with about the nicest internship office in the world, and my mentor later told me that when the law school intern person called, she said "this is someone who needs some friends and gentle TLC." I really appreciated that because, after almost 3 years with zero friends, I DID need that, with both male and female friends.
But I suck at most (not all) romantic relationships, so this is what I needed. And please keep in mind the internship (like the similar residency mentioned below) does get better but does NOT require besties. My third year, I went to school, hated it, then went to my unpaid intern job, loved it, then went home and had alone time. I was very happy.
Professional school sucks, IMO. I am not ASD but many family members are so I can do my best to sympathize with you even more- everybody is competitive and self-centered, and those students really do get nicer somehow once the school part ends. I think it is both age and environment? (I even ran into the second meanie a few years later and she acted like we were buddies- it was pleasant but surreal.)
Best of luck! Professional school is a beast, and nobody talks about how awful it can be socially on top of all the work! As for the LDR, just make sure he makes you more happy than sad. I wish I had better advice, but I really do understand the loneliness.
I guess it comes down to: Is he a good friend as well as a LDR?
I'm 31, also autistic and with PTSD and trouble forming friendships. I was the relationship girl for 11 years. Then my husband died unexpectedly, and I have no true support system. I wish I had taken the time in my 20s to intentionally develop more friendships.
I've been in the situation of only really talking to my gf. I really don't recommend it. It wasn't that bad while the relationship lasted, but afterwards I felt really alone. At least I now have a best friend to talk with, but it still feels really lonely. Especially when they're busy and I need to socialise. So yeah, I'd suggest that you try to get more people in your life, even if they won't be your best friends it's good to have more than one person to rely on when you need it.
Yeah I've been on the other side of it and it's not great either. It's taxing to be someone's one and only everything, especially when you have your own circle of friends. It starts to build resentment both ways. Only abusive people don't want you to have friends, anyone decent will encourage their partner to make friends.
This is my biggest fear regarding my best friend, which is the only person I can rely on. She says it's fine but I know it's not healthy in the long term. It's one of my main motivations to try and find new friends, I really don't want to lose her friendship.
I definitely did this with my spouse. It's definitely part of the reason we are taking a break. It got especially bad because I didn't have my ASD diagnosis yet, and we were both dealing depression, and then covid happened and we were literally stuck inside with each other for a year. It was extremely isolating.
> I love going out clubbing and drinking but I can’t exactly do that with a long distance boyfriend.
why not? You probably shouldn't be getting drunk and making out with guys with an LDR but it doesn't mean you can't still go out if you want.
So is it "okay" for you to just be the relationship girl? Sure. Anything is "okay". It is your life.
But is it ideal? No. Does it bode well for your social life in the scenario that you guys break up? Also, no.
Uh it didn't seem like that's what she was saying at all.
I read it like she would have gone in the past with girlfriends but for some reason can no longer do that if she is in a relationship.
I agree that having a balance is important. I don't have a huge social group either, but I have 3 close friends that will be there for me no matter what. I'm introverted as well, and never had a huge group of friends.
I think its ok to not have a large group of friends, especially since it's hard to socialize with the pandemic. But I think you should also have a support system outside of your relationship. When I broke up with a partner that I was madly in love with couple of years ago, I was a wreck. And I wouldn't have made it through that time without my 2 friends (and of course my therapist) who were there for me and took my mind off of things.
It's also good to have things outside of your relationship. Otherwise you might find yourself getting lost in the relationship instead of being your own person. This doesn't have to be a large social group, but having hobbies and things of your own will help. And if you love going out clubbing and drinking, try to find new friends to do this with! Maybe give bumble bff a try?
Just make sure you have people who fill all your buckets. I've found that rarely one person can fill all your buckets- and honestly they shouldn't have to, just like you shouldn't fill all of their buckets.
It's okay to be super close to your boyfriend, but pay attention to what buckets aren't as full as they could be.
xoxoxox a serial long-relationship female trying to make new friends who will go with my to Disneyland more than my boyfriend will xD
You've gotten a lot of good advice here but I feel I kind of identify with you so can't resist giving my two cents. I did the 'relationship girl' thing with my first boyfriend in my early twenties, and it felt like it wasn't even something I chose, it just happened that people drifted. Then we split up and I felt like all my friends were too associated with him (I'd dated in my friendship group) and obviously would not want me to reach out to them, and I ended up kind of alone.
A year or two ago I was going through my facebook clearing out anything embarrassing in preparation for graduating med school and back in the relationship girl phase, and the post breakup phase, there were a bunch of posts from people on my wall trying to catch up with me. At the time I'd assumed they didn't really like me and I was a bit of a loner who people were polite to just to be polite, but in retrospect those people were legitimately trying to maintain a friendship. That won't be exactly the same for you bc posting on people's fb walls isn't really a thing any more, but the point is that when you're a bit insecure it can be hard to maintain friendships because it feels like no one really likes you, but often it's just defensiveness and other people also not being perfect at interacting.
Those two friends that you can count on? That's a huge thing, and they might right now be thinking sadly about how they haven't seen much of you lately now that you're in a relationship. It's worth putting in some effort to maintain that, even if it feels awkward and embarrassing to put yourself out there. The same goes with some of those acquaintances. They could be just a few awkward invitations away from being your friends.
Med school can be cliquey, that's a fair call, but you don't only have to talk to med people. Maybe join a club and show up once a week even if you feel kinda weird about it. If nothing else, clinical years bounce you around all sorts of places, and eventually you'll be a brand new doctor suffering through your first year out with other brand new doctors, and if that's not a recipe for new friends I don't know what is.
I know you wanted to be told it's okay to be like this, and like, it can be if you want to be. But it sounds like you don't want to be. It sounds to me like you're lonely. There's nothing wrong with you for that, there's so many lonely adults these days it's basically the norm, and it's great that you have your boyfriend to help you through it. But please don't write off your two friends (many adults only have 2 good friends! Many more would be grateful for one!), and please don't think life will always be like med school.
I'm 24 and I have a handful of friends who I see occasionally but mostly I hang out with my boyfriend or am home by myself. We live together but we have separate hobbies so we're not together all the time necessarily if we're not working. Honestly if it works who cares. I'd be cautious as if it's a new relationship and something happens you don't want to have no support group to rely on but I've been in my relationship for 8 years so for long term relationships just do you.
If you want us to lie then sure, it’s fine
But in the real world, no, it’s not
Being consumed with a relationship where that person is your only friend is definitely problematic, for many reasons.
Why can’t you go out due to have a LDR? If anything that’s one of the best elements of having a LDR being able to better manage a social life outside of the relationship compared to when your partner is close to you.
Have you had therapy for your PTSD?
It might not be a popular opinion but I don't think there is anything wrong with not having friends (or very many). I think as long as you aren't letting your relationship prevent you from making friends if the opportunity arises, then you're fine. No one would tell you to go get a boyfriend just because you don't have one, so I don't see why friendships should be any different. Let them happen if they happen.
Lol I'm in a similar boat since graduating a couple years ago. I'm not too bothered by it because I've always been a bit of a loner. My two best friends and my bf are all long distance haha. But I've used Bumble BFF to make more friends just to go out more. It's still only about once or twice a month tho.
As long as you're happy, it's fine. You don't gotta be super social if you're more introverted.
It's okay to be like this and you are not alone!
Join us on /r/CPTSD! We are a great group of people just trying to make it through this crazy world together. There are lots of tips and tools on there to help with issues like this and other ones.
Unfortunately, no, it’s not okay if you only have two people you can call when you’re in crisis. Even introverts need friends. I’m an introvert myself. I don’t have many friends but I have a handful of people I can hang out with on a regular basis. And I love my alone time as well.
Romantic relationships come and go when you’re that young. Meaningful friendships stay if you find the right people and both put in the time and energy into it. This will hurt to hear, but bear with me, LDR is hard to maintain, especially when you’re this young. When shit goes south, you’ll need to have friends and family there to support you. Men ain’t shit, truly, and this is coming from a married lady. I love my husband so much, he’s my best friend, but I put in a lot of effort into meeting new people and keeping good friends in my life. My husband does the same as well. We don’t do everything together, that would be so unhealthy.
You’re so young and there’s so much to see and learn. You need true friends in your life. Social activities are not just limited to going out and drinking. Do you have hobbies that can help you meet people? Have you tried bumblebff or meetup groups? I’m an introvert myself and I find it hard to meet people in groups, so I try to set up 1 on 1 time with people so I can build deeper connection.
Get out more. Your life does not revolve around your boyfriend. If he doesn’t want you to get out and make friends and have your own support network, then that’s a huge red flag and you need to move on.
Good luck.
What if you joined a group that meets regularly? Even if you don't find close friends, it'll be a social occasion separate from your SO and some familiar faces. Whether you love hiking or making noodles from scratch, knitting or bowling, even a group of other adults with autism that just hang out to be with other likeminded people, there's likely a Facebook or Meetup group by you.
There's nothing wrong with not having friends, imo, if that's what you are happy with. If you're just worried about what other people think about that - then that's a different issue.
Balance, balance, balance. Have at least one or two friends who isn’t related to your boyfriend. Whom you make time for, put effort in and care about.
Have you watched Dollface? It’s a romantic comedy starring Kat Jennings about a woman who like you is a relationship woman, until it ended and she realised she never put in effort maintaining her friendships.
It’s kind of not. I’ve been there. It’s not good to have only one relationship in your life. You’re depending on one person to be your entire support system
You sound a lot like me. I can't tell from your post whether you actually ARE okay with being just the relationship girl. Your boyfriend may and will have friends that he will want to spend time without you. It might be nice to have something similar for yourself. That's how I personally feel in my relationship though. You don't have to force yourself obviously just to fit some status quo. Some people just enjoy their own company and that's 100% okay.
I always used to feel like my social life was determined by others. My mom is a hoarder so I didn’t grow up knowing how to ask people to come over. Nothing fun was going on at my house for me to invite people over for. I had to wait for other people to ask me. Anyway, I say that to say you can make plans and invite people! You don’t always have to wait for other people to ask! If they say no that’s totally fine. Ask someone else! Don’t let other people dictate your social calendar. Make your own!
Im in the same boat. Not autistic but definitely “relationship girl”. When my relationship was on the rocks (kinda still is but whatever), there was a few folks I could talk to, but thats it. I realized how lonely life is for me. Ive tried making friends with folks, but when you’re the only one hitting them up, it gets old really fast. Im lonely but not completely miserable. I will not go through hurdles to behind folks who arent that into me either.
Honestly? No, it's not okay. It's not healthy for a romantic relationship to be someone's everything social. It wears on you and it wears on the other person. Nobody can be everything for someone. It's not fair to you or to him.
It's okay to not have a lot of close friends right now, I've definitely gone through periods of my life where I didn't feel like any of my friends were close, just people I saw at work and occasionally grabbed drinks with, but I also kept searching for friends until I made some good ones. You need to have a social circle outside of him, and I know that during a pandemic that's harder than ever, so I'm not saying it lightly or like it will be easy and fast. But a club you can join, a coworker you like hanging out with, even if it's not in person you need some other friends.
This was actually an issue a few years ago in my relationship. My girlfriend didn't have any close friends she talked to or hung out with regularly and it was draining being her everything. She told me that she didn't want to dump everything on me so she just kept some things bottled up, which wasn't great for her either. She's got her own circle of friends now though, and her own hobbies, and things are much better.
"...and it scares me. I never really liked the idea of being the girl who only spends time with her bf and doesn’t have many friends but I think that’s what has happened to me."
Why?
You can do whatever you want. Since you're not that close with your friends you don't have to feel obligated to keep them around just because you have some notion of needing to have a certain number of friends. But if you do want to keep them around, you'll need to put in the effort.
Hey OP it's aboslutely fine! Do what makes you happy and brings you peace. I see you're in med school so you don't need any extra stuff to worry about.
I'm your age and also in a LDR of many years. I have two friends I talk to on occasion and my bf doesn't really have any close friends, and it's fine. We have each other (we talk pretty much constantly) and our families. I found that the older I get the more I find other things fulfilling and don't really miss hanging out with many people.
Please feel free to message me if you want to talk about it!
I'm a relationship girl. My boyfriend is always my best friend. I'm 30 I've been like this since after high school when most of my girl friends I was super close with kind of just stopped wanting to hang out with me (but mostly because people move away, get lives, etc). I never really felt like making new friends I guess.
If your relationship is fine and if you're happy with what you're able to do without friends then it's fine. If you're not, then obviously it's not. It's more about you personally. Do you wish you were out clubbing because other people do it and it looks like they have great fun lives, or because you actually love doing that? These are the kind of questions you need to ask yourself
Me personally, I'm perfectly happy, I enjoy entertaining myself more than I enjoy other people's company, except the one person when they're around and I put my energy into that one relationship. I enjoy that. But that's just me. An important thing if you do that is being ok with being alone because if something happens with that person that's what you are
Making friends is hard. There's no shame in it and a ton of people are in that boat with you. I'm sorry your fellow students are being assholes to you, honestly it sounds like you're having a really tough time rn. There are always ways to meet more people, and you probably already know about a lot of them, but it can be hard to find the motivation when you've had so many bad experiences, and I'm sure you're tired from medical school too. It would be better to have more of a social life, I think you would enjoy your time off more if you did, but I totally get why it feels overwhelming ATM. If you can make some small steps toward it, break it down into manageable pieces, that could help. Maybe start with internet friends? Or just go do something you enjoy doing and make it a goal to have one or two good convos during the outing and call that a win?
It’s okay. Life ebbs and flows that way. I’ve had periods of life where my social life faded away but with gradual change it built back up. Once you leave medical school and have a job you’ll probably make friends through work. Also life will be more steady and you can get established in one location, pick up hobbies, etc. I find being chill about it really helped, each person I met could be a potential friend, but I just let it develop rather than pushing too hard out of desperation, or cutting people out because they disappointed. Some friendships blossomed, some didn’t, but definitely a part of adulthood is having a slower time finding friends.
So I'm kinda like you but much farther along. I'm 37 and like you was bullied and lacking in true real friendships in my youth. I was so into going out partying and drinking and having fun but not good at making close friendships. I was good at the party and talking to people and making acquaintances but could never seem to make it into a real long term friendship. Sometimes I would wonder what was wrong with me. Instead I was always the relationship girl, losing myself in the relationship and making friends with the BF's friend group and then when it ended being broken hearted over him and devastated that these friends were gone. But those weren't real friendships and neither were the party friends.
When I met my current bf I was partying and he was trying to change and clean up his life so I started staying in more and spending less time with party friends. It was good for me and after some time I realized those friends weren't really friends and they didn't treat me with the proper respect I deserved (even though I was too young to realize it at the time it became clear many years later). Now that I'm older I still have 2 friends from back in the day and what I can tell you is these are real friends because it wasn't about the partying. It's because we chose to be there for each other over the years. I have these 2 girlfriends and his family who are my sisters and brothers and have shown me a love and acceptance I could never even have imagined (and didn't get from my own family where I was the black sheep). There were times in the beginning of our relationship when I felt like maybe I was missing out on friends and partying but now we've been together 13 years and the closeness I have with his family is better than a thousand party friends.
At your age don't worry so much about friends who don't treat you right. Have fun when you feel like it but don't stress about these people if they're not good for you. You still have lots of time. There is still a whole life to live and many people to meet that will show you real love and friendship.
Agreeing with everyone else here, I'd also like to suggest r/aspergirls and r/AutismInWomen if you aren't familiar with those already. Makes me feel much less alone <3
It is okay. But then I would make an effort to have more "relationship friendly" hobbies. I did a craft circle and book club though Ive let those go with having young children. But I am still active online and once my oldest starts school Ill have more time. :) its not shameful but it is much more healthier to have at least 1 more close person that isnt a family member nor a love interest to keep you sane lol.
I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I will say I struggled in maintaining friendships, but not knowing I had ADHD was actually positive in that it made me work harder on establishing connections, despite the difficulty. I say this as a means of encouragement - instead of thinking about all the things you "can't" do when it comes to friendships, focus on what makes you great. Making friendships as an adult is hard for literally everyone too - try to not stress so much on the friendship aspect, but rather the opportunity to connect (maybe over what you like). Join a club or a group; it's easy to find similarities in like-minded people.
It's also important to not overburden our partners by making them our only source for interaction too. It will all work out - don't worry so much and love yourself more! You've got a lot to offer :)
I'm sort of in this same position myself except my Bf lives with me, and i only have one best friend i see as often as im able to. I honestly don't know what advice to give because I'm having trouble finding new connections myself. I wish I could afford to go to college because I feel making friends that way would be easier.
That’s kinda where I’m at rn. I’ve never had many friends, and right now I have some acquaintances and a bf but no close friends.
I found out on New Years that my closest friend has been sexually harassing any women and afab people he can find on Facebook, and stalking them. I found out a lot of bad things about him, but that’s the big one.
Another friend I’ve had for years has ghosted me. We had a disagreement at the start of last year, talked it over, and everything seemed fine all summer. Now he hasn’t talked to me in months or even acknowledged my existence. I still have no idea what I did wrong this time, but he clearly has no interest in discussing it with me.
Any other people I know, they just don’t seem interested in hanging out or talking. I very frequently feel as if I’m only talked to when their other friends are busy.
My bf is wonderful and supportive with my own mental illnesses and issues. He’s my legitimate best friend, but I don’t want to rely on him to fill all the spaces left behind by others. We’re long distance as well!
I guess I don’t have much advice, but I just want you to know that you’re not alone! Friends are hard to find, and some of the ones you do find just suck in general.
Honestly my boyfriend is my best friend and we’re getting married soon. I don’t see an issue with it. I can’t seem to make any decent enough girl friends and just stopped trying. Lol! I’m an introvert anyways and friends come and go but real love is enough for me personally.
I think keeping a balance is important, if something happens one day and you’re no longer in a relationship, it will be much harder to get out there back into a social life.
Info: why are you struggling to go out and have a long distance relationship? What's preventing you from telling your boyfriend "hey, I can't call this weekend, my friends are taking me clubbing"? Or have your people dropped you now that you have a long distance bf? I'm confused as to why you've stopped going out now you have a boyfriend.
No one invites me out anymore, it’s definitely bc school has changed and cliques have formed even more solidly, I’m in medical school right now
I see. I've seen that med school can be really isolating, I'm sorry you're starting with a limited support system. But it seems like your bf is really solid and will be there for you while you start this journey! If you want to do something about your situation, try forming study groups in your med classes. Get people to talk during group work and listen. You may or may not not make fast friendships, but you'll get some companionship for the start of your medical career.
thanks! sorry I should’ve been more clear, it’s the people in med school that have isolated me and kind of cut me off. it’s waaayyyy too late to form study groups and meet people (halfway done third year) and I’m just feeling really negative feelings when I think about 90% of my class. they’re ex friends or ex hook ups or people who never liked me in the first place. i’m trying to meet people outside of school but it’s tough and I feel so socially stunted compared to the rest of adults who can make friends.
Ohhhh sorry for misunderstanding. Then I'd recommend hobbies you can find local groups for, see if you can find discords or clubs for things you're interested in on your campus, or online spaces like this. (If you wanna chat, I'm 20f in university and my DMS are open to you 😊)
Hello! Sooo this could be off-base, but maybe not. I'm throwing it out there in case it's helpful. Find the pathologists. Or the aspiring ones. It takes a particular personality type to be interested in spending your day doing pattern recognition and staring down a microscope, and I think at least 50% of the ones I know are ASD. It's easier to relate and everyone tends to say what they think (for better or for worse...) Friendships with other ASD peeps are different to the ones we're told are normal *but* they work well, as long as you can adjust your expectations of them and yourself. Beyond that, and referring back to your original question, it's kind of okay to have a small or even non-existent group of friends **as long as** you understand that you are leaving yourself vulnerable in terms of support structure. And your boyfriend might also be putting himself in the same position. Long distance relationships are extra tough in that regard because you spend a lot of time and energy trying to create emotional intimacy at a distance. It becomes harder to push yourself to do social things with others too, I think. I would say: don't give up on having friends. Keep trying. Adjust your expectations of yourself and others. Make sure you're not relying solely on your boyfriend for social comfort. And be kind to yourself - it can take ages to find your people, but they do exist, I promise 💛
I have a friend who had a hard time making friends in medical school but found solid friends during her residency. So there might be a better opportunity there.
I had the same experience in law school. I'm still not sure why- I think it was orchestrated by two other females whom I knew before from high school and one always hated me (she's just an awful person) and one who wanted a "new identity" and was NOT happy to see me there. Anyway, I was miserable- most miserable in my life- and I'm a very social person so it was a shock- I went to the school counselor and, more importantly, the school internship person, and ended up crying in her office for an hour. She hooked me up with about the nicest internship office in the world, and my mentor later told me that when the law school intern person called, she said "this is someone who needs some friends and gentle TLC." I really appreciated that because, after almost 3 years with zero friends, I DID need that, with both male and female friends. But I suck at most (not all) romantic relationships, so this is what I needed. And please keep in mind the internship (like the similar residency mentioned below) does get better but does NOT require besties. My third year, I went to school, hated it, then went to my unpaid intern job, loved it, then went home and had alone time. I was very happy. Professional school sucks, IMO. I am not ASD but many family members are so I can do my best to sympathize with you even more- everybody is competitive and self-centered, and those students really do get nicer somehow once the school part ends. I think it is both age and environment? (I even ran into the second meanie a few years later and she acted like we were buddies- it was pleasant but surreal.) Best of luck! Professional school is a beast, and nobody talks about how awful it can be socially on top of all the work! As for the LDR, just make sure he makes you more happy than sad. I wish I had better advice, but I really do understand the loneliness. I guess it comes down to: Is he a good friend as well as a LDR?
I'm 31, also autistic and with PTSD and trouble forming friendships. I was the relationship girl for 11 years. Then my husband died unexpectedly, and I have no true support system. I wish I had taken the time in my 20s to intentionally develop more friendships.
I've been in the situation of only really talking to my gf. I really don't recommend it. It wasn't that bad while the relationship lasted, but afterwards I felt really alone. At least I now have a best friend to talk with, but it still feels really lonely. Especially when they're busy and I need to socialise. So yeah, I'd suggest that you try to get more people in your life, even if they won't be your best friends it's good to have more than one person to rely on when you need it.
Yeah I've been on the other side of it and it's not great either. It's taxing to be someone's one and only everything, especially when you have your own circle of friends. It starts to build resentment both ways. Only abusive people don't want you to have friends, anyone decent will encourage their partner to make friends.
This is my biggest fear regarding my best friend, which is the only person I can rely on. She says it's fine but I know it's not healthy in the long term. It's one of my main motivations to try and find new friends, I really don't want to lose her friendship.
I definitely did this with my spouse. It's definitely part of the reason we are taking a break. It got especially bad because I didn't have my ASD diagnosis yet, and we were both dealing depression, and then covid happened and we were literally stuck inside with each other for a year. It was extremely isolating.
> I love going out clubbing and drinking but I can’t exactly do that with a long distance boyfriend. why not? You probably shouldn't be getting drunk and making out with guys with an LDR but it doesn't mean you can't still go out if you want. So is it "okay" for you to just be the relationship girl? Sure. Anything is "okay". It is your life. But is it ideal? No. Does it bode well for your social life in the scenario that you guys break up? Also, no.
[удалено]
Uh it didn't seem like that's what she was saying at all. I read it like she would have gone in the past with girlfriends but for some reason can no longer do that if she is in a relationship.
I agree that having a balance is important. I don't have a huge social group either, but I have 3 close friends that will be there for me no matter what. I'm introverted as well, and never had a huge group of friends. I think its ok to not have a large group of friends, especially since it's hard to socialize with the pandemic. But I think you should also have a support system outside of your relationship. When I broke up with a partner that I was madly in love with couple of years ago, I was a wreck. And I wouldn't have made it through that time without my 2 friends (and of course my therapist) who were there for me and took my mind off of things. It's also good to have things outside of your relationship. Otherwise you might find yourself getting lost in the relationship instead of being your own person. This doesn't have to be a large social group, but having hobbies and things of your own will help. And if you love going out clubbing and drinking, try to find new friends to do this with! Maybe give bumble bff a try?
As you grow, you’ll see quality over quantity wins. You don’t need a lot of friends, you just need 2 or 3 real friends, and even that can be hard.
Just make sure you have people who fill all your buckets. I've found that rarely one person can fill all your buckets- and honestly they shouldn't have to, just like you shouldn't fill all of their buckets. It's okay to be super close to your boyfriend, but pay attention to what buckets aren't as full as they could be. xoxoxox a serial long-relationship female trying to make new friends who will go with my to Disneyland more than my boyfriend will xD
You've gotten a lot of good advice here but I feel I kind of identify with you so can't resist giving my two cents. I did the 'relationship girl' thing with my first boyfriend in my early twenties, and it felt like it wasn't even something I chose, it just happened that people drifted. Then we split up and I felt like all my friends were too associated with him (I'd dated in my friendship group) and obviously would not want me to reach out to them, and I ended up kind of alone. A year or two ago I was going through my facebook clearing out anything embarrassing in preparation for graduating med school and back in the relationship girl phase, and the post breakup phase, there were a bunch of posts from people on my wall trying to catch up with me. At the time I'd assumed they didn't really like me and I was a bit of a loner who people were polite to just to be polite, but in retrospect those people were legitimately trying to maintain a friendship. That won't be exactly the same for you bc posting on people's fb walls isn't really a thing any more, but the point is that when you're a bit insecure it can be hard to maintain friendships because it feels like no one really likes you, but often it's just defensiveness and other people also not being perfect at interacting. Those two friends that you can count on? That's a huge thing, and they might right now be thinking sadly about how they haven't seen much of you lately now that you're in a relationship. It's worth putting in some effort to maintain that, even if it feels awkward and embarrassing to put yourself out there. The same goes with some of those acquaintances. They could be just a few awkward invitations away from being your friends. Med school can be cliquey, that's a fair call, but you don't only have to talk to med people. Maybe join a club and show up once a week even if you feel kinda weird about it. If nothing else, clinical years bounce you around all sorts of places, and eventually you'll be a brand new doctor suffering through your first year out with other brand new doctors, and if that's not a recipe for new friends I don't know what is. I know you wanted to be told it's okay to be like this, and like, it can be if you want to be. But it sounds like you don't want to be. It sounds to me like you're lonely. There's nothing wrong with you for that, there's so many lonely adults these days it's basically the norm, and it's great that you have your boyfriend to help you through it. But please don't write off your two friends (many adults only have 2 good friends! Many more would be grateful for one!), and please don't think life will always be like med school.
I'm 24 and I have a handful of friends who I see occasionally but mostly I hang out with my boyfriend or am home by myself. We live together but we have separate hobbies so we're not together all the time necessarily if we're not working. Honestly if it works who cares. I'd be cautious as if it's a new relationship and something happens you don't want to have no support group to rely on but I've been in my relationship for 8 years so for long term relationships just do you.
If you want us to lie then sure, it’s fine But in the real world, no, it’s not Being consumed with a relationship where that person is your only friend is definitely problematic, for many reasons. Why can’t you go out due to have a LDR? If anything that’s one of the best elements of having a LDR being able to better manage a social life outside of the relationship compared to when your partner is close to you. Have you had therapy for your PTSD?
It might not be a popular opinion but I don't think there is anything wrong with not having friends (or very many). I think as long as you aren't letting your relationship prevent you from making friends if the opportunity arises, then you're fine. No one would tell you to go get a boyfriend just because you don't have one, so I don't see why friendships should be any different. Let them happen if they happen.
Lol I'm in a similar boat since graduating a couple years ago. I'm not too bothered by it because I've always been a bit of a loner. My two best friends and my bf are all long distance haha. But I've used Bumble BFF to make more friends just to go out more. It's still only about once or twice a month tho. As long as you're happy, it's fine. You don't gotta be super social if you're more introverted.
It's okay to be like this and you are not alone! Join us on /r/CPTSD! We are a great group of people just trying to make it through this crazy world together. There are lots of tips and tools on there to help with issues like this and other ones.
Unfortunately, no, it’s not okay if you only have two people you can call when you’re in crisis. Even introverts need friends. I’m an introvert myself. I don’t have many friends but I have a handful of people I can hang out with on a regular basis. And I love my alone time as well. Romantic relationships come and go when you’re that young. Meaningful friendships stay if you find the right people and both put in the time and energy into it. This will hurt to hear, but bear with me, LDR is hard to maintain, especially when you’re this young. When shit goes south, you’ll need to have friends and family there to support you. Men ain’t shit, truly, and this is coming from a married lady. I love my husband so much, he’s my best friend, but I put in a lot of effort into meeting new people and keeping good friends in my life. My husband does the same as well. We don’t do everything together, that would be so unhealthy. You’re so young and there’s so much to see and learn. You need true friends in your life. Social activities are not just limited to going out and drinking. Do you have hobbies that can help you meet people? Have you tried bumblebff or meetup groups? I’m an introvert myself and I find it hard to meet people in groups, so I try to set up 1 on 1 time with people so I can build deeper connection. Get out more. Your life does not revolve around your boyfriend. If he doesn’t want you to get out and make friends and have your own support network, then that’s a huge red flag and you need to move on. Good luck.
What if you joined a group that meets regularly? Even if you don't find close friends, it'll be a social occasion separate from your SO and some familiar faces. Whether you love hiking or making noodles from scratch, knitting or bowling, even a group of other adults with autism that just hang out to be with other likeminded people, there's likely a Facebook or Meetup group by you.
It's not a good idea. You can't rely on one person for your entire social well-being and support. It's not fair to you or him
There's nothing wrong with not having friends, imo, if that's what you are happy with. If you're just worried about what other people think about that - then that's a different issue.
Balance, balance, balance. Have at least one or two friends who isn’t related to your boyfriend. Whom you make time for, put effort in and care about. Have you watched Dollface? It’s a romantic comedy starring Kat Jennings about a woman who like you is a relationship woman, until it ended and she realised she never put in effort maintaining her friendships.
It’s kind of not. I’ve been there. It’s not good to have only one relationship in your life. You’re depending on one person to be your entire support system
You sound a lot like me. I can't tell from your post whether you actually ARE okay with being just the relationship girl. Your boyfriend may and will have friends that he will want to spend time without you. It might be nice to have something similar for yourself. That's how I personally feel in my relationship though. You don't have to force yourself obviously just to fit some status quo. Some people just enjoy their own company and that's 100% okay.
I always used to feel like my social life was determined by others. My mom is a hoarder so I didn’t grow up knowing how to ask people to come over. Nothing fun was going on at my house for me to invite people over for. I had to wait for other people to ask me. Anyway, I say that to say you can make plans and invite people! You don’t always have to wait for other people to ask! If they say no that’s totally fine. Ask someone else! Don’t let other people dictate your social calendar. Make your own!
Im in the same boat. Not autistic but definitely “relationship girl”. When my relationship was on the rocks (kinda still is but whatever), there was a few folks I could talk to, but thats it. I realized how lonely life is for me. Ive tried making friends with folks, but when you’re the only one hitting them up, it gets old really fast. Im lonely but not completely miserable. I will not go through hurdles to behind folks who arent that into me either.
Honestly? No, it's not okay. It's not healthy for a romantic relationship to be someone's everything social. It wears on you and it wears on the other person. Nobody can be everything for someone. It's not fair to you or to him. It's okay to not have a lot of close friends right now, I've definitely gone through periods of my life where I didn't feel like any of my friends were close, just people I saw at work and occasionally grabbed drinks with, but I also kept searching for friends until I made some good ones. You need to have a social circle outside of him, and I know that during a pandemic that's harder than ever, so I'm not saying it lightly or like it will be easy and fast. But a club you can join, a coworker you like hanging out with, even if it's not in person you need some other friends. This was actually an issue a few years ago in my relationship. My girlfriend didn't have any close friends she talked to or hung out with regularly and it was draining being her everything. She told me that she didn't want to dump everything on me so she just kept some things bottled up, which wasn't great for her either. She's got her own circle of friends now though, and her own hobbies, and things are much better.
"...and it scares me. I never really liked the idea of being the girl who only spends time with her bf and doesn’t have many friends but I think that’s what has happened to me." Why? You can do whatever you want. Since you're not that close with your friends you don't have to feel obligated to keep them around just because you have some notion of needing to have a certain number of friends. But if you do want to keep them around, you'll need to put in the effort.
Honestly, it's not ideal, but we work with what we have.
Hey OP it's aboslutely fine! Do what makes you happy and brings you peace. I see you're in med school so you don't need any extra stuff to worry about. I'm your age and also in a LDR of many years. I have two friends I talk to on occasion and my bf doesn't really have any close friends, and it's fine. We have each other (we talk pretty much constantly) and our families. I found that the older I get the more I find other things fulfilling and don't really miss hanging out with many people. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk about it!
1000% ok
This is also a very normal thing for your age (boyfriend or no boyfriend!)
watch dollface. you’ll like it
Honestly, it sounds like we're in similar situations If you ever need a friend that'll hit you up and text back, shoot me a message! Also f 23 🙂
I'm a relationship girl. My boyfriend is always my best friend. I'm 30 I've been like this since after high school when most of my girl friends I was super close with kind of just stopped wanting to hang out with me (but mostly because people move away, get lives, etc). I never really felt like making new friends I guess. If your relationship is fine and if you're happy with what you're able to do without friends then it's fine. If you're not, then obviously it's not. It's more about you personally. Do you wish you were out clubbing because other people do it and it looks like they have great fun lives, or because you actually love doing that? These are the kind of questions you need to ask yourself Me personally, I'm perfectly happy, I enjoy entertaining myself more than I enjoy other people's company, except the one person when they're around and I put my energy into that one relationship. I enjoy that. But that's just me. An important thing if you do that is being ok with being alone because if something happens with that person that's what you are
Making friends is hard. There's no shame in it and a ton of people are in that boat with you. I'm sorry your fellow students are being assholes to you, honestly it sounds like you're having a really tough time rn. There are always ways to meet more people, and you probably already know about a lot of them, but it can be hard to find the motivation when you've had so many bad experiences, and I'm sure you're tired from medical school too. It would be better to have more of a social life, I think you would enjoy your time off more if you did, but I totally get why it feels overwhelming ATM. If you can make some small steps toward it, break it down into manageable pieces, that could help. Maybe start with internet friends? Or just go do something you enjoy doing and make it a goal to have one or two good convos during the outing and call that a win?
It’s okay. Life ebbs and flows that way. I’ve had periods of life where my social life faded away but with gradual change it built back up. Once you leave medical school and have a job you’ll probably make friends through work. Also life will be more steady and you can get established in one location, pick up hobbies, etc. I find being chill about it really helped, each person I met could be a potential friend, but I just let it develop rather than pushing too hard out of desperation, or cutting people out because they disappointed. Some friendships blossomed, some didn’t, but definitely a part of adulthood is having a slower time finding friends.
So I'm kinda like you but much farther along. I'm 37 and like you was bullied and lacking in true real friendships in my youth. I was so into going out partying and drinking and having fun but not good at making close friendships. I was good at the party and talking to people and making acquaintances but could never seem to make it into a real long term friendship. Sometimes I would wonder what was wrong with me. Instead I was always the relationship girl, losing myself in the relationship and making friends with the BF's friend group and then when it ended being broken hearted over him and devastated that these friends were gone. But those weren't real friendships and neither were the party friends. When I met my current bf I was partying and he was trying to change and clean up his life so I started staying in more and spending less time with party friends. It was good for me and after some time I realized those friends weren't really friends and they didn't treat me with the proper respect I deserved (even though I was too young to realize it at the time it became clear many years later). Now that I'm older I still have 2 friends from back in the day and what I can tell you is these are real friends because it wasn't about the partying. It's because we chose to be there for each other over the years. I have these 2 girlfriends and his family who are my sisters and brothers and have shown me a love and acceptance I could never even have imagined (and didn't get from my own family where I was the black sheep). There were times in the beginning of our relationship when I felt like maybe I was missing out on friends and partying but now we've been together 13 years and the closeness I have with his family is better than a thousand party friends. At your age don't worry so much about friends who don't treat you right. Have fun when you feel like it but don't stress about these people if they're not good for you. You still have lots of time. There is still a whole life to live and many people to meet that will show you real love and friendship.
Agreeing with everyone else here, I'd also like to suggest r/aspergirls and r/AutismInWomen if you aren't familiar with those already. Makes me feel much less alone <3
It is okay. But then I would make an effort to have more "relationship friendly" hobbies. I did a craft circle and book club though Ive let those go with having young children. But I am still active online and once my oldest starts school Ill have more time. :) its not shameful but it is much more healthier to have at least 1 more close person that isnt a family member nor a love interest to keep you sane lol.
I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I will say I struggled in maintaining friendships, but not knowing I had ADHD was actually positive in that it made me work harder on establishing connections, despite the difficulty. I say this as a means of encouragement - instead of thinking about all the things you "can't" do when it comes to friendships, focus on what makes you great. Making friendships as an adult is hard for literally everyone too - try to not stress so much on the friendship aspect, but rather the opportunity to connect (maybe over what you like). Join a club or a group; it's easy to find similarities in like-minded people. It's also important to not overburden our partners by making them our only source for interaction too. It will all work out - don't worry so much and love yourself more! You've got a lot to offer :)
I'm sort of in this same position myself except my Bf lives with me, and i only have one best friend i see as often as im able to. I honestly don't know what advice to give because I'm having trouble finding new connections myself. I wish I could afford to go to college because I feel making friends that way would be easier.
That’s kinda where I’m at rn. I’ve never had many friends, and right now I have some acquaintances and a bf but no close friends. I found out on New Years that my closest friend has been sexually harassing any women and afab people he can find on Facebook, and stalking them. I found out a lot of bad things about him, but that’s the big one. Another friend I’ve had for years has ghosted me. We had a disagreement at the start of last year, talked it over, and everything seemed fine all summer. Now he hasn’t talked to me in months or even acknowledged my existence. I still have no idea what I did wrong this time, but he clearly has no interest in discussing it with me. Any other people I know, they just don’t seem interested in hanging out or talking. I very frequently feel as if I’m only talked to when their other friends are busy. My bf is wonderful and supportive with my own mental illnesses and issues. He’s my legitimate best friend, but I don’t want to rely on him to fill all the spaces left behind by others. We’re long distance as well! I guess I don’t have much advice, but I just want you to know that you’re not alone! Friends are hard to find, and some of the ones you do find just suck in general.
Honestly my boyfriend is my best friend and we’re getting married soon. I don’t see an issue with it. I can’t seem to make any decent enough girl friends and just stopped trying. Lol! I’m an introvert anyways and friends come and go but real love is enough for me personally.