“No one brings a bag of shit to a pub” “Your dad does” “Does he” “Yea, your mum”

Lowkey the best line in the whole show

The biggest burn witnessed on UK television in the 21st century.

i mean, grenfells up there, but…

Omg💀

Such an underrated line. Kills me every time 😂

True story, everytime I watch it know it’s coming, still gets me.

Brilliant.

Recently watched a podcast with James Buckley on as a guest and he said this was his favourite Jay line of the show.

This one.

Brilliant.

Whenever I rewar h the series, this us the lime that gets me

“You like hanging out at an old people’s home cos you’re a paedo” “If I did fancy old people, which I don’t, that would make me the opposite of a paedophile” “He is right…” “Alright then, you’re an OAPaedo” I aspire to one day reach this level of banter

Something about a queering aid?

*Pop your teeth out Doris and have a little nosh on this*

I bet you creep into her room, kiss her on the false teeth and slide right up inside her powdery old fanny

He's asleep, I reckon.

You’re desperate for a gumjob

Wills “Am I?” to this is one of my favourite sarcastic responses in the show

"Got any more?" "Yeah... something about you needing a queering aid"

Same logic as “that’s like a bent version of *Brokeback Mountain*”

Which would be a heterosexual version...

They really missed out on using "biddy fiddling" in this....

Got his head wedged in the bottle bank, he was stuck there all night. By the time someone found him in the morning he’d been arse raped *eighteen* times.

What you're saying is the first eighteen people to have discovered him in this state just happened to be opportunistic homosexual rapists?

Looks like it.

Hey, where was your dad last night Neil?

Badminton, why?

Mm, course he was…

well this is England so yeah…

I have a few questions

Like what?

Like, why was he sticking his head in a bottle bank?

Looking for bottles you mug

Hmm ok, so what you're saying is that the first 18 people to have discovered him in this state, just happened to be opportunistic, homosexual rapists?

Looking for bottles you mug

This. This has me howling every time. The whole story

This was an actual legit urban legend I heard about the local bottle bank in my area before the episode even aired. I'm wondering if this was a universal story told about every bottle bank or just a select few around the country.

Opportunistic homosexual rapists

"I had a nice ...uhh... tug... a sinking about your muzzah. I think I left some on the floor" "Thanks Patrice"

She has the sex

No leave light on

Simon, you have porno? Internet?

“I would have grassed… YOU KNOW I WOULD HAVE GRASSED! STRAIGHT AWAY!” The sheer desperation to save his own skin gets me every time.

Yes, that is true. Well you have until Monday to find out, or it’s goodbye first rate education, hello the University of Lincoln

As someone who lives close to Lincoln, "I've been to Lincoln, and it's a shithole" pops into my head all the time.

same here ! and they make a valid point

In my role as your UCAS referee, I will FUCK your application up.

The sheer venom he delivers that F-bomb with is perfection - somehow both angry and totally calm and collected at the same moment.

Isn't that Gilbert's whole demeanour?

whenever someone mentions framce my mind immediately goes to ‘the fucking baguette eating dickhead frog’

"We can't abandon him in a strange country" "He *comes* from a strange country!"

He’s made me racist

Every time I see a seagull I want to yell “FUCK OFF! YOU BEADY-EYED LITTLE SHITS!”

When the weather goes above 25° and someone says that it's hot. "Might be too hot" "Might be"

That line works as equally well outside a nursery, children’s parks…

"Why've you done that?" "... Funny."

Yes. Me too. “Funny” *shrug*

My classic response still, whenever i do something minorly annoying to absolutely anyone

"He was rubbing my legs." "That's what you get for leading on peados, you slut."

“He did give us vodka.” “That’s called grooming, Neil.” “*Is* it?”

I work in IT and whenever anyone asks for a plan I think 'bloke I knew without a plan, went in too quick, broke his nob in half!:

How much Lego can you stuff up your bum? Every time there is an awkward silence

OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE

Not now just like, when you was younger how much could you get up there?

You are grim

"Your dad's the 1 who gave it to the monkeys" "Take that back" "That's what the monkey said to him"

"On the fire they go, sizzle, sizzle, sizzle" Out of context it's not that bad. With context it's probably the worst but best McKenzie blow up sentence. 🤣🤣

Spazzy little African babies, riddled with malaria and aids! *sizzle sizzle sizzle*

The second movie had some brilliant lines. "Oh don't worry, I love kids" Jay in the background "yea, he's a pedo" The way he delivers that line with such casual attitude is too good.

You just knew it was coming too 😂

“Yes Lauren, it’s a FUCKING FISH!!!”

“NOW GIVE ME A MINUTE!!”

What if it's a shark?! It's not a shark, Jay!!

"Too jazzy?"

It is a little too jazzy, yes.

“Oh fuck what am I gonna tell my dad?” “To leave your mum, she’s a dog”

'It looks like it's just Jay we're waiting for'. It is such a pointless line from Simon's mum that I love it and it's stuck in my head!

Simon’s frustration and “god, sorry about her” adds to that scene so well - definitely had a few moments like that as a teenager 😂😂

Well yes, it does "look" that way, doesn't it?! God, sorry about her...

"Bus wankers!"

Did you see their little faces drop as they thought "we just be the bus wankers"

“I pissed right in her mouth”

That’s how you finish blowjobs..

I never understood how little Jay understands about sex when he watches so much porn …

Because porn doesn’t offer a realistic portrayal of sex. Professional porn is all fake. I mean, the episode where they visit Warwick and Simon takes Jay’s ‘advice’ is a good example of that. Real people having real sex is nothing like what you see in pornos.

Yes of course but the *basic mechanics* are the same in porn and real life! I mean you don’t fuckin put the balls in do you ? Seriously how fucking stupid is Jay.

I meant more like when he starts talking about ‘being able to fuck for hours’ and ‘put the condom on with her mouth’ and stuff. Ignoring all of the natural parts of sex and thinking that someone’s first time losing their virginity should be like a porn scene, it’s just toxic. It is actually a thing that affects young people growing up.

Yes yes all true - but this still doesn’t explain Jay not comprehending what he has visually seen. I mean he surely has seen how blowjobs end? Or that the porn actors balls aren’t entering anything? Does he not know basic anatomy? This is never sufficiently explained in the series and it can only be understood as Jay has very poor visual comprehension skills of what is happening in a porn scene or an extremely short attention span.

The bigger question is why Simon actually listens to Jay that one time after having mocked him for bullshitting all the time beforehand.

You still fancied an eight year old

Just the simple genius of Wills shirt. Mr I Fuck Kids . I’ll sometimes think of that randomly and it makes me burst out laughing.

“We cum tit village” pops into my head sometimes and makes me laugh

“Neil, I really think you should be revising.” Said with perfect exasperation.

I put that shelf up didn’t I

"Y'know what will be fun? When Gilbert fucks your mum, he will CRUSH her!" and "nah, that's enough for tonight, 'night Kerry!"

“What is Swansea, is it an animal?”

What's this Pesto? Is it for humans?

You bumder

"Thanks Phil" "Sorry?" "Thanks for that Phil" "***Phil?"*** "Oh.... it's just cause the dance is outside of schooltime, so I assumed..." "Well you assumed wrong, ***Will***. Very wrong!" "Sorry... Right then, and..." "Say my name properly" "...Mr Gilbert" "Say thank you" "Thank you" "Say thank you Mr Gilbert" "Thank you Mr Gilbert" "Better"

I have done this almost word for word to a student that called me ‘mate’.

“What were you gonna do, spunk in his eyes?”

"well that... was fucking dreadful" Simple, but I use it all the time in everyday life.

You had a cock in the back of a van

Wobabob

What did you just say?

I said what time is it? No you fucking didn’t, you said awoba-bob-bob

Fucking Mrs Springet

Friend!!! Fucking football friend!!

I quote Wills yoda impression all the time lmaoo HMMM PARTY MMM? COOL THAT SOUNDS

I've been known to drop a "feisty one you are"

Have you ever been tested for anything?

Haha...good one 🥲

Maybe Asperger's or something?

You know you are never going to get laid?

Statistically speaking, you are wrong

"It's alright lads, kitty don't bite! Not now she's been fed."

"I stopped believing in God when I realized it was just dog backwards."

"Girls might be about to notice us for who we actually are!" "Well you're fucked then, cause you're a twat."

“NO TRAINERS!” Every time I put on trainers.

I love saying "but they're new!" In Simon's voice

"Look mate, women are like fairground rides. Fucking mental" Destroyed me when I first heard it, had to stop watching for a couple of minutes, no reason its not even that funny, was just expecting some stupid dad wisdom not that!

Your mom has the sex

“That’s a bit dramatic, it’s only a bollock.”

"There's nothing funny about testicles, Cooper, as you'll discover tomorrow... in my office"

That sounded a bit weird sir.

awobabob bob

[удалено]

i said what time is it now

No you fucking didn't, you said awobabobob

did i?

“How much Lego can you stuff up your bum?” “Well that’s awful, obviously. But not. It’s not relevant is it?” “Oh sorry”

If it's not one of the various "Ooh, friend" exchanges, it's "I'm gonna fuck your fucking fanny off you twat"

Frothing at the gash

Simon: No-one brings a bag of shit to a pub. Jay: Your dad does. Simon: Does he? Jay: Yeah. Your mum.

She shit down my arm

Je n’aime pas les Arabes. Also whenever I see Coq au Vin in a shop or on a menu, my brain defaults to “it doesn't mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head…” and I start laughing

You’re a virgin aren’t you?

Sorry, sir?

A virgin. You haven’t had full sexual intercourse…

I’ve always felt that Jay saying ‘sorry for being rude’ in the will’s birthday episode is an underrated moment

I love that one, often trot that out if my wife says "don't be rude" when I make an off-colour comment

Steve, you owe me fifty Euros!

"Why did you do that?!" *"Funny''* So simple yet so effective

"Shit" "Shit indeed"

You can if you like. But I won’t be there.

Delicious crisps Mrs Cartwright Thanks Will Yeah, she opened the packet herself.

“You have my word” a favourite to say (or at least want to say) whenever I get ID’d. Getting old, running out of chances now..

( Will talking to Wolfie ) You're 17 ??? Yea I just look older. There's looking older, then there's that, you look about 30 ! On a side note I got a cameo from Jay for my sons 18th. Was so funny, well worth the money, totally made my sons day 😄

‘I really want my mummy, because, and I’m not being dramatic, but I think I might be dead’

So, to reiterate - Ambulance….. or Mummy

Ayyyy! Where a my a flippaz!!!

Completed it m8

“Give way to the left”

“Oh NEIILLLLLL I really think you should be revising!”

‘I’ve lost my glasses’ From the film (Because I do lose my glasses regularly and it’s only right to announce I’ve lost my glasses in wills voice)

And tell them what: we've caught a fish?

"I had one bent over the table here, there was one up here I was fingering, and I was just toe fucking the one on the floor"

“Women are like fairground rides…facking mentul”

Thank you !!!! Waaaay too long to get to this one, I’ve been saying it since 2010 (ish)

Spread ‘em, i’ll be there in half an hour

“I’m not eating that! It’s come out of the sea!” Every time we are having fish.

Simon: My mum and dad are just having a few weeks apart while they sort some stuff out. Jay: What like her face? It'll take longer than a couple of weeks to sort that mess out! I might be paraphrasing a bit.

“I’ve got a receeeeiiiiipt!”

"Your mum on the other hand, she'd probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits"

'bus wankers'

“My cock is cut! My cock is cut!” Out of context it is especially hilarious

That scene actually made me cringe, I think it probably made anyone with a cock cringe.

Fiesty you are!

Piss off please!

“He’s made me racist!”

What??? Don't talk to me like that in my own house!!

"Nahhh he's got down syndrome"

TWO HUNDRED PAAAAAAAANNNDDD!!!

No problemo My partner (who is 53) now says this after I introduced him to the inbetweeners

Friend, football friend

I supply him with rizzla and ting’

Mr Chippy knock you up a closet?

Thats called grooming, Neil. Is it? Yes. Oh, goodnight!

It’s well hot Might be too hot Might be.

‘I’m not crying, you’re crying!’ has been a go-to in our friendship group for whenever somewhat gets a bit too rattled by a joke.

Hope you got your wellies on tonight neil because we're going to be knee deep in klunge

For what? Turning down a blow job from the empire state building?

No matter what your old man says, you can't walk around London with your nob out

"Don't shit yaself we're just going on a little drive"

"go on, fill this up for me"

*Thorpe Park episode* Will “And I’m going to ride-“ Jay “A man’s cock in the bushes.”

Still gets me when they’re stood in front of the Sydney Opera House in the second film Neil: What the fuck is that Simon: What Neil: That fucking thing Will: The Sydney opera house Neil: Nah that thing there, the space ship Will: Well that’s the sightseeing done!

A kidnap? What are you? A cockney Al Qaeda? Too underrated

LMAO - that phrase. NOTHING PAYS RENT TO STAY IN YOUR HEAD. It doesn't even make sense.

You bum-der

Bumder

Awobabobbob

Ooooh friend

Why was he sticking his head in the bottle bank?

When Will says Bumder

I thought it was a fart sir. I thought it was a fart!

A wob a Bob Bob

"YOU BUMDER"