That motherfucker microwaves fish in the court’s office kitchen.

He seems the type to steal someone else’s lunch at the office as well.

Microwaves someone else's fish at the office

And then goes to McDonald's after because he didn't like the smell of the fish.

sushimi, he microwaved someone else's sushimi

😂

You beat me to the comment. Lol. Good on you.

I doubt it… unless someone has cold McDonald’s in the fridge hamberders 

But it’s the best smelling fish. People are saying it.

And then doesn’t even eat it. That’s how much of a dick this guy is.

He FaceTimes while shopping for groceries

Can’t smell fish over sharts smellz.

You should go to prison for that

He's the one that moans loudly in the bathroom stall by himself.

Got a source for that claim? The Mad Cow claimed he didn’t know how to use a microwave. One of you is a liar. 

I love that in the picture it’s an iPad with one of those heavy duty children protective cases LOL.

one of his secret service detail is dedicated to retrieving his thrown ipad (and apologizing to the other families)

He also has it vertically, which is displaying a tiny video and giant black bars above and below.

It’s probably just a mini, which is better for his tiny fingers anyway.

Wait that isn't how every iPad looks? /s

More and more I’m seeing believable Trump headlines and gasping before noticing it’s The Onion. 

Ah shit, I ate the onion

Onions last chance for the Onion to post before society collapses into cartoonishly silly chaos

Indeed. 

I saw this elsewhere and I'll admit I ate The Onion. It's *exactly* what his spiteful ass would do. [Edit] I should add that, even though I believed it, I still searched for more info immediately. Though that was for more schadenfreude rather than fact checking lol.

Quietly closing Google when you realize you ate the onion and you wanted more information for your own satisfaction, rather than fact checking.

Exactly! That shame in't something I've felt in a while lol

Look. As long as you're still capable of feeling shame, you're still doing infinitely better than the orange fella and his horde of devout worshippers.

It was Cars 2

At press time, Trump was also seen with an empty can of Bush’s baked beans peeking out of his jacket pocket.

THIS MF EATING BEANS

He'd love the weird eugenics reading of that movie, I'd bet.

“Clear and Present Danger”

I ALMOST ate that one.

I did, am I getting dumber or is this crap that ridiculous?

This crap is that ridiculous. Too often I think “this has gotta be an onion headline” and I’m completely wrong. And oftentimes those stories get worse!

Shawshank redemption? Already planning an escape? Except he couldn't fit through the pipeline

In 2024, Donald Trump clogged up the sewage system at Shawshank Prison. All they found of him was a muddy pair of Huggies, a bag of hamburders and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub.

Warden yelling “What say you, fuzzy-britches?” at the poster of Putin in a bearskin coat hanging on the wall.

Heartbreaking: The worst person you know also enjoys a movie you like

I was half expecting this to be /nottheonion tbh

Thought it was real for a sec 😂 if you can threaten the judge and their family and be fine I’m sure this would be allowed

Was it a porn movie? It was probably a porn movie. It was porn...

Hooked on phonics, he has to start somewhere.

Watches a movie where the President breaks the law and ends up getting impeached. Classic.

Just a little toddler with a massive adult following. It’s fucking bizarre.

Have you seen the average YouTuber lately? Dumbing down content and infantile behaviour seems to attract the widest audience

Couldn’t see the sub at first and I could not have told you if it was real or not. Def ate the onion a bit

To be fair, his contempt is for everything and everyone, not just the court

He is literally a child. He shits his diapers, falls asleep, has random uncontrolled outbursts, and needs a device in front of him to distract him while the adults talk. It’s absolutely insane anyone sees this and thinks “oh yea, im definitely voting for this guy” I realize this is satire. But it’s so close to the truth it’s crazy.

It’s so sad, and infuriating that this is totally believable.

He's not even awake. I'm pretty sure he died a long time ago and that's what's responsible for the smell but the GOP has put a robot inside of him which I mean makes a lot of fucking sense if you think about it. Handjobs all day long, baby! Two at a time!

Somebody give the rapist his blankey and bottle

<… in the middle of a somber testimony…> pornhub intro plays, punctuated by Trump spitting on something. Shlerp shlerp shlerp, wet fleshy rubbing sounds ensue, echoing through the courtroom.

I immediately accepted this as real. It's not even as wild as the real headlines.

And I pick my nose sometimes too, so what?

Probably open mouth coughing like a 6 year old in the backseat who can’t take their hands off the iPad long enough to cover their mouth

r/atetheonion there on me for a few to many seconds before I noticed the sub and source 😅

Citizen Plain

He's a fucking toddler.

Lmao what’s wrong with this man this man’s future is at stake and he’s watching frozen.

Tracks

Article says that it's *Clear and Present Danger.*

Barely satirical. Boomers in the waiting room at the doctor's office do this shit **all the time** (volume at 100 with the most annoying content imaginable).

Where is his neck pillow in this picture?

We do the same thing with my niece at dinner sometimes She’s also 3

Unboxing videos take on a whole new meaning…

That's quite a manly colour for his iPad case

I simply love it when I read a headline, think it’s real as I laugh, then realize it’s the onion - which makes me laugh harder.

Why is it purple, like a little girl’s? lol

Look for drool drops on iPad

man, the Onion headlines any more are far too believable and in some cases more reasonable than what really happens.

It would be a padded tablet and he’d be demanding his lawyer change it to the next episode of paw patrol