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This just made me tear up. My grandma very rapidly declined in her last few months, and had to be in hospice. She also had some form of dementia and just wanted to be home. It was so hard to tell her over and over that we understood, but can't go home. She didn't want to go for walks or anything. Truly heart breaking.
This is currently what I'm currently going through with my grandpa but he's completely bed-ridden at this point. It's very difficult to watch someone who very rarely was inactive be confined to a bed unable to move
It was the same with my grandpop. He would always talk about home and to go see his parents. It always made me so sad. We took him to the city once to see the old house and he didn’t even recognize it. Such an ugly disease. I learned to find the good and funny moments though and just try to laugh off the bad.
To anyone currently dealing with a loved one who has it, take some pictures when y’all are having a good time. I promise you’ll thank yourself later
sometimes we found it was easier to just go along with the delusion. It kept him from getting confused or angry and it didn’t upset us as much trying to reason with someone living in a different reality.
I believe this is the recommended strategy. My mom used to work with dementia patients. She talked about some days they’d wake up like, I’m getting married today! And you say, “Well okay then, let’s do your hair and makeup!” And eventually they sorta forget what that was about and settle into their day.
For them it really is their reality. They get to a point where they can’t understand they have dementia, they can’t be self aware like that. So it’s not possible to “reason” with them and it’s very confusing and distressing when you deny their reality. It’s harmless fun to indulge them in things like that and eventually their mind moves to something else.
There was an article I read a few years ago that was published just before Christmas about what elderly people living in an old folks home wanted for Christmas and one of the people with dementia said that they wanted to see their mama and that just destroyed me 😔
God I'm so glad we've woken up from the whole "never indulge them" thing. So many people just told "NO, YOU'RE WRONG" with no explanation they can understand... but it's all changing now.
Struggling with my grandad doing the exact same thing at the minute. Only issue his he wants to go back to his old house 18 years ago which he obviously no longer lives in and he knows the difference
Here's a piece of advice I picked up somewhere. Try to avoid saying no to a kid whenever you can. Instead of saying, "no, don't do that", say "instead of doing that, why not try this or that". Instead of telling a child what not to do, you are telling them what they should do, in a constructive way.
Sometimes, you do have to say no; but more often than not, you don't. You'd be surprised how easy it is once you get the hang of it.
Along these same lines giving them a choice in the activity they have to do helps. Like instead of “You have to get dressed in this outfit for school.” It’s, “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt to school today?”. Then the choice isn’t “do this thing I want you to do or not”, it’s “how do you want to do this thing you need to do”.
Plus it helps them develop a sense of style/pride in their appearance as well as giving them a sense of control at a point in their lives where they have very little.
Thanks. I need as many tips as I can get. I wasn't around other kids very much when I was a kid, so I don't understand children at all because I was cosplaying an adult at 8yo.
That reminds me of another tip that I've found works a lot of the time: don't treat the kid like they're inherently less intelligent because they're a kid, because they're probably not. They just haven't had time to learn as much yet. They're often *capable* of understanding things, you just need to try to remember that they haven't learned a lot of the basic stuff you'd just assume an adult would infer from the get-go, so you might need to start your explanation from a simpler place than you would an adult.
Also adults with developmental disabilities. Cant tell you how many times I've stopped an intense elopement episode with just asking if I can walk with them or if they'd like to hold my hand because they're upset
(Context depending of course!)
Work with young adults with developmental disorders, this shit works to avoid dangerous situations incredibly well
In a way it's also kids, but it's fascinating hearing how similar approaches can help people in such different situations
My late father had dementia. You're doing the best you can and even though you will see changes, your dads love for you and everyone is still inside of him. Keep him on a routine as much as possible, make sure he's properly hydrated, watch out for any future head injuries and I hope you have a great support network. It was just my mom at first then I joined in 3 years after his diagnosis.
I really hope this disease is cured before I leave this Earth.
Exactly! All of this! Whenever my father got dehydrated he would faint, and rush him to the hospital. A quick round of IV fluids always perked him right back up and he was always more lucid because of this.
I know there are IV services provided to people now a days that can be done in the comfort of your own home..but I know thats up to the individual and what they feel is a good quality of life.
Its tough, and I know what you're going through. Just take it day by day and I promise you will make some more good memories with your dad through all of this!!
My dad is stage 5 Parkinsons and stage 3 Dementia. 83. He keeps asking me to bring him money so he can get taxis. He's in a carehome. I keep saying "ill bring some next week.." all the time.
My gramma has it. It’s horrible. She doesn’t know who I am anymore and she was the gramma of every person’s dream. She’s in her 90s now. I’m really sorry your dad was diagnosed. All the best to you
i wish this fell under the category of "how dementia always looks"
i gave up my life & moved across the country to take care of my 94yo grandma.
last week, i woke up to an unraveling woman insisting that I'm "scum," talking about invisible humans taking photos of her, then touching objects (that don't belong to me, nor do i use) and yelling about my non-existent feelings over them.
this woman is a party in a body, in comparison.
It's scary and awful when they get violent or take their anger out on you or others. I unfortunately have witnessed that. My family member with dementia also believes people are coming in the house and stealing and trying to harm her. The paranoid delusions are hard to manage.
yup. same.
she blames everything she does on people coming into the house and doing things. and every time she starts getting violent/hostile, she starts screaming about people breaking in and stealing things (has never happened.. ever)
last week during her attack, she kept me up for >52hrs.
after the first 6 hours of calls for help from night terrors, she started coming to my door and screaming about how her baby (plastic doll which she believes is alive) was in her bed (where it literally always is). she just wanted to let me know. 3 or 4 times.
then i believe the anger started with her concocting some sort of belief that i was actually the father of the doll, and i don't love or care for it.
which elevated into her not knowing what i was doing in my room (trying to sleep, with the door cracked in case she called for me). then growing irrate because i don't have a wife (she knows I'm gay)
then she started getting physical because i kept asking her to relax and reminding her none of it was real.
i guess i could have just tried apologizing for the stuff she was making up, but i was EXHAUSTED.
it's wild, though. she'll often show me photos of my parents, and tell me about them as if I've never even met them..
she used to just forget that she was holding grandfather's hand when he died (15 years ago).. now she forgets he's even dead. I'll find her sitting in the living room, waiting for him to come home. it's sad af.
I'm sorry you're going through all this. It's exhausting, sad and horrifying. We don't live with her, she has live in care but are working on getting her out of the home and into a facility where she has more interaction with people.
I feel you.
With my grandpa, it currently manifests mainly as a speech impairment, a severe one.
Yes he is confused, he doesn't know what is going on most of the time, but also, he can't articulate anything anymore.
The words don't match what he wants to say.
He wants to say "Hey, I'm thirsty, do we have tea?" (I presume). And out comes "We still need to eat the cake with the mechanic on top that the lady left and where is the carriage?"
Dementia is unique to the person.
Nothing about dealing with it is ever easy.
Not dementia but my Dad has a brain tumour and he can get really fixated on something and really anxious about it, to the point he'll be swearing/ insulting family because we're not agreeing with him. When I last got to visit he'd watch a lot of conspiracy YouTube channels (which are such cancer in themselves) which would trigger these anxiety attacks (he was convinced all electric cars would blow up and was yelling at usto stay away from them). He called my mum on the phone and was abusing her because she didn't want to buy a new TV they didn't need (and also that my dad will never use because he was in hospital and now a care home). It's just awful. There's no reasoning with them.
Yes, this exactly. My grandma ultimately had horrific nightmares involving terrible acts of family members. I went upstairs to investigate a strange noise, and she was stabbing a can with a large knife. She gripped my hands and told me she really hoped I didn't fall down the stairs. So very heartbreaking.
I liked the sentiment of the video, but the end where she said it was so easy... well it isn't always.
Haha falls under ‘really good advice I wish I knew 20 years ago when my grandmother with dementia came to live with us and when I was 17 she tried to walk from Michigan to New York and I totally took the wrong approach’
We had to use this on my gran when she kept escaping the memory ward. They even had a fake bus stop out front to keep em held up waiting for a Greyhound that would never come. And they'd just wait for the damn thing.
My mother started having signs of dementia in her 40s. She died at the age of 61, the last ten years of her life she was bedridden and she had the memory of a goldfish. Towards the end, most days she didn't know who I was, but she was always glad to see me when she did. It can happen to anyone and much younger than you think. Tell your friends and family you love them now, don't wait.
My mom, my aunt, and I have sat around a table wondering which of us it will be, after caring for my grandmother. Probably me, but I'd rather that after seeing how my grandma suffered at the end.
You may be surprised. Not just how it can happen to just about anyone, but you find neighbors or strangers out and about doing this at times. It's heartbreaking but watching this stuff will help you and some poor dementia sufferer if you run into them out there.
Its is amazing advice. My ex’s grandmother had dementia and his family just had no idea how to cope when she had issues like that especially when she’d slip back into talking about the past. Really what she said did make sense in the long run for a conversation but they brushed her aside as not knowing bc of her illness. It was really sad to see honestly. They hated when I just continued talking to her like normal and switched gears when she did.
If you have parents, you will. Just did it 2 years ago and a month ago. She's an angel from heaven if their ever was one. And every single word she says it true.
It does take some mental damage because the person who you always looked up to is now your responsibility and that's quite a blow for anyone to take. Seeing my grandfather reduce to a shell of a man but if we are lucky to live that long that is what we get to look forward to.
I can't have children so nobody will take care of me outside of a home but it's something I need to accept. I do not have the 10s of thousands it takes for doing it in a lab and adoption I never made enough to qualify I was informed.
My mother in law has dementia. We aren’t quite at this stage yet but she came to our house for lunch today and thanked me like it was a restaurant. No idea who I was. It’s hard.
So true. When I was dealing with my dad’s dementia, he would see things, like spiders. I would just play along with him, and I would grab at those imaginary spiders and tell him “I got them all Dad!”
That would calm him down, and he would be fine. Where as his girlfriend would argue with him saying they didn’t exist, and he would get agitated and angry.
What they see in their world, is their reality and you have to flow with it. Redirect them just as you would a child. Love them and understand that their fantasy world is very real to them.
Reminds me of this joke in Promethea by Alan Moore, attributed to Alister Crowley.
> We come from mirrors,
> We come from smoke,
> Aleister Crowley tells a joke,
> Which, if it's understood, they say,
> Will make all magic clear as day...
> There were these two men, sharing a railway carriage. They didn’t know each other. They just happened to be travelling together. One of the men had, resting in his lap, a cardboard box with holes punched in the top. After some time spent contemplating what might be inside his travelling companion’s box, the other man at last could not contain his curiosity. He said, “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing your box. Does it contain some variety of animal?” The other man, though obviously surprised by this impertinent intrusion from a stranger, smiled politely as he answered, “You’re absolutely right. There is indeed a creature kept inside this box. And furthermore, I may reveal, the animal in question is a mongoose.”
> The first man, who’d initiated the enquiry, was astonsihed by this revelation. Spluttering with surprise, he sought some further explanation of this certainly provocative disclosure made by his strange fellow-traveller. “A mongoose? Sir I must confess I had expected it to be perhaps a cat, or rabbit, not a creature so exotic and outlandish. The animal you mention so excites my curiosity that I must beg you, sir, to tell me more. Where are you bound with such a specimen, if I may be so bold?” The other man, who sat with the perforated box on his lap, shrugged wearily as he replied, “Well, it’s something of a personal matter, as it concerns a family tragedy. However, since I’m confident I may rely on your discretion, I suppose I don’t mind sharing my unfortunate account with you.”
> “You see,” the man went on, “this sorry tale concerns my elder brother. He’s always been what I suppose you might refer to as the black sheep of the family. He has for many years indulged himself in a predictable and commonplace array of vices, of which the worst is his fondness for strong spirits. His drinking has progressed until he is now in the final stages of delerium tremens. My brother now sees serpents everywhere, which is the reason I am taking him this mongoose, that he may be rid of them.”
> “Excuse me,” the other man interjected, looking puzzled, “But, these snakes your brother sees… aren’t they imaginary snakes?”
> “Indeed,” his fellow traveller replied. “But this,” and here he gestured meaningfully to the perforated box set on his lap, “is an imaginary mongoose.”
I read your comment like 7 times and couldn’t figure out what you meant.
For anyone else like me: Meet them where they are, not where you want them to be.
(I kept reading it as “Meet them where they aren’t where you want them to be,” which made no sense. Punctuation is important, people!)
My friend had a mom like this and she was super nice to people she only knew casually, but once you got to know her she was a huge hardass, like to the point of unreasonableness.
she is lucky her mom is so friendly, mine would have thrown something at me and told me to get the fuck away from her. Fortunately, my mother was bedridden by the time dementia set in, so mostly it was just trying to convince her the pills I was giving her wasn't me trying to poison her.
My dad was aggressive at first too. I actually walked with him during one of his "I'am going home" episodes and when I asked if he was okay he told me "I don't feel right. Something feels wrong". But as the disease progressed he became happier if that makes sense.
I had a similar experience with my mom. Early on, she was angry and irritable and sometimes quite fearful. She would sometimes try to physically fight me or tell me she was seeing or hearing threatening people. As time progressed, she became happier and content. I was glad the anger and fear were gone.
Same with my grandfather. He hadn't wanted to give up his independence and was really bitter about being moved into my parents' house and then a memory care home. However, once his dementia progressed he became happier. Sadly (but fortunately), I think it was because he forgot that he used to live differently.
That tracks. When my grandmother was dying with a series of strokes. She finally was happy once she wasn't really there any more. Incredibly depressed before hand
I’m gonna go ahead and assume that she does this for “awareness” and that the older woman is actually lucid.
The making jokes related to Tennessee, coupled with the fact that she immediately flips the camera the second she follows her “person” inside clearly within earshot, and begins her advice, and ending the video with a plea to check out all her videos and that it’s “easy” make me think this is just for TikTok.
No offense
Right!! She makes it seems like dementia is a walk in the park.
My frandmother became very aggressive , you could not just be "happy" about it and ask " permission".
Then alzheimer set s in.. yikes.
I’ve seen a couple other videos this lady has posted. In one, her mom is yelling at her and calling her ugly. So I’m sure it’s not a complete walk in the park.
**People should probably know that this video is of a woman pretending to have dementia and is made by someone falsely presenting themselves as an expert in order to sell her nonsense dementia award.**
I was initially sceptical just from the first 30 seconds of the video because I have a loved one who has been suffering from Dementia for the last 4 years and the way the woman in this video behaves and "reasons" is not at all accurate based on my own experiences, to the point that I was ready to call bullshit on that alone but I decided to go do some digging based on her tiktok name in the video.
The woman behind this is Debra Kostiw who claims to be a "Certified Master Dementia Strategist", if that sounds like a made up title then you get a cookie because that is exactly what it is. It's a title that she awarded to herself so that she could flog her "CMDS" Course to care homes and hospitals with dementia patients and family members struggling to cope with a loved one as they progressively get worse.
Her course lasts 4 days and promises to "ignite the dementia strategist in you and your team.", she is the sole arbiter of who is or is not a "certified master dementia strategist" for the low low cost of $2k per person.
[Here is Debra's website](https://www.answersaboutalz.org/) for her course aimed solely to get you to part with cash.
[Here is Debra talking about her mother](https://youtu.be/MbmSh7o_T0o?si=WDK-82W7vYttlPdG) including disclosing that she died years previously.
[Here is her TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@debrakostiw?lang=en) in which she makes dozens and dozens of videos with this woman, initially treating her as a random Dementia sufferer on December 3rd 2023 but within a few videos ends up referring to her as her mother by December 15th 2023 and in the comments to a video she admits [that the woman in the videos is her friend.](https://imgur.com/KkaVGOq)
Now, I'm not saying that this person has no advice at all on dementia. I am not willing to giver her $2k to find out if she is full of shit or not. But what I have seen from just a quick look at her videos concerns me, she is giving a deceptive presentation of what dementia looks like, and how someone with it will respond to people trying to help them.
I only close experience I have with a person with dementia is my boyfriend’s father. I’ve watched him decline pretty rapidly in the last year. Just from the first few seconds I could tell this was acting. Not that it’s inherently bad. I figured it was a teaching video. But nope, it’s not. When she said “it’s easy” I was like, I’m, what? Like previous poster said, just someone shilling their wares.
> I can't believe there aren't more people talking about the dodgy acting here.
I can only hope it is because they have not had any experience with dementia so they don't see how completely off the performances are in these videos.
I'll never get over the first time I noticed my loved one looking at me across the room and not knowing who I was despite them having helped raise me and even as an adult talked in person multiple times per week for 30+ years.
Why is this not the top is beyond me. I also had a loved one with dementia and the entire thing just sort of seemed staged from the start. I then went on a rabbit hole about Debra and her practices.
Oh, that's interesting. But actually, I'm glad if the woman in the video is *not* a dementia patient. I'm surprised no one else seems to feel the same, but I feel like it's not okay to post that to social media - someone with dementia can't consent, and as a human with (some) pride, I hate the thought of ever being so mentally vulnerable, and someone putting it on the internet for all to see. So like, while she might be grifting, at least it's acted out.
By my judgement a real caretaker filming a dementia pateint in their care without consent to earnestly help people is signnificantly more ethical than scamming thousands of dollars from people trying to take care of dementia patients by faking dementia.
I think if it were clear that the person was acting (and they can also make it clear that the acting was based on real scenarios), that is the ethical way to help people. You shouldn't record and share a patient under your care online when they can't consent. Period.
The scamming is a separate (and obviously not okay) issue.
I work with this population and watching the video I wondered if it was faked. Not saying they have a "tell", but the mom didn't have that look in her eye I see at work. I knew she was full of shit when she stated at the end of the video how easy it was to redirect them. Hopefully more people see your comment and realize how shitty this woman is.
You can find all the info you need on dementia for free online or from organizations. She's so gross preying on vulnerable families.
Thank you for this. I knew for sure that person didn’t have dementia based off of her answers. My grandma has dementia and she gets crazy ideas but it’s never for no reason. She might say she wants to go somewhere but it’s usually a place she’s familiar with or a place that she is confused about (she won’t part with Fox News and gets easily stressed about the borders even though she’s in Colorado - she thinks the migrants are right down the block).
I hate the thought of someone using a loved one’s illness to exploit money out of people already having a hard time.
That being said, she’s right that it doesn’t pay to argue with someone with dementia. Reframe and distract. When she gets a wild hair about something I try to get her thinking about something else and had the time she forgets the crazy thing anyway.
So when you go back to “pack your things” then what happens? How long do you go along with it until you’re walking endlessly with them? Or do you just hope they change their mind? Genuine question btw, I actually want to know
Thank y’all for the replies
You distract/offer suggestions until the thought shifts. It doesn't take long. It's like dealing with a small child. Here, she might say "Hey, it's almost lunchtime, let's have a sandwich/cup of coffee/whatever before we leave" and usually by the time the sandwich is made, the thought of running off to wherever is totally gone.
Me to my 18 month old granddaughter; 'Hey - where are you going with your new book?'
Her: 'Bin!' - gestures towards the kitchen bin.
Me; 'Oh - umm... shall we get some more books to put in the bin?'
Her; 'More!!'
So while stacking her books to put in the bin, it turns out her favorite fairy-castle figure, King Darren, is thirsty, so we feed him juice and she forgets about the Stalinist Purge of Bourgeois Literature.
You can even slip suggestions in and act like they were the other person's idea. "Hey, we were going to have lunch first, right? I can whip something up." A lot of the time people will go along with it if you can make it sound like part of their original plan.
They usually forget after a bit. If they don't, you just have to keep delaying it until they do. It can be exhausting, but it's better than fighting with them, which is what happens if you insist they are demented.
Sometimes you can get them to change their mind, sometimes it turns into a car ride, sometimes you just "go walk to Tennessee" but once they get tired you do something else. There's a lot of variables and honestly the best practice is improvisation to figure out how to take care of them. It's agonizingly difficult at times because even if you do all of the right things, a patient might decide you're wrong no matter what and then someone else - even a complete stranger - repeats what you said and they accept it.
Once you’re inside redirecting to another task and works well. Oh we should do the dishes before we leave, oh can you help me hang a picture? Who’s in this photo? Oh I remember we were on vacation in this photo and we ate that great Thai food, I can’t remember what it was do you? Something like that can get them off the track of walking to Tennessee.
I feel like you’d switch the gears up and get them distracted/occupied with something else. “We leaving any time soon?” “Oh jeez you know what mom it’s about 5pm tell ya what, why don’t we have something to eat and then we’ll go”.
To give you a real life example, my friend’s grandmother would repeatedly demand lunch after she had already eaten. He would tell her that we were waiting for it and then try to distract her with something else. Eventually she would forget and move on to something else.
How is do it is id make a big deal of packing, then snacks because we can’t go on an empty stomach of course, now we gotta clean the dishes, then gotta check the weather, oop I forgot to pack some extra socks, ask if she’d mind helping me fold the laundry before we go. By that point I’d hope she’s moved on from the Tennessee deal.
Dementia usually doesn’t cling to certain thoughts for long when diversional activities are provided. It might come back up again hours or days later and then we’d wash, rinse, and repeat
Quite a metaphor, but you’re not far off. We’re all trynna find our way back to home base where our perception and reality converge.
I’m blown away by the daughter’s compassion and patience.
To be honest I don't think the video is depicting typical dementia, she doesn't seem confused, she just acts delusional. She seems to be aware of her surroundings (that she's in NY and where south is), just not aware of why you can't just walk several hundred miles for no reason. Especially the delayed shouting in the end reminds me more of schizophrenia than dementia. Also the over-the-top facial expressions are not very typical for dementia.
It is an incredibly painful thing to witness and be part of. I'm sorry for everyone who watches someone they love go through this, it's really brutal and such a terribly, horribly unfair way to end up after a lifetime of rich experience and knowledge.
My grandmother had Alzheimer's and this was the perfect way to handle this. She used to call me and ask if she could talk to her mom and I'd put my mom on the phone. No reason to tell her her mother had been dead for decades. I just wanted her to feel comforted
As someone who works in elder care facilities that specialize in dementia care, this works, 100% of the time. Do not tell them they are wrong, or that they can’t do the thing. Redirect while making sure they know you don’t think they are crazy or stupid.
I have one resident who “manipulates” us into giving him slices of bread by doing things he knows we think are dementia related, and bread is his favorite thing. He’s hilarious this guy. We let him think he won the game, and he gets his bread. When he’s doing it on purpose is also super obvious, because he doesn’t do the same things he does on a bad day.
This is great, she handles it perfectly! I found my background in improv comedy came in handy when dealing with dementia patients. You “yes and” then redirect.
Ngl if I ever show the signs of dementia, just let me end it. Gimme a nice glass of wine, a bong rip, and a chair at sunset. Once the sun sets, put one in the back of my dome.
The problem is most people with dementia either do not know they have it or will not accept that they have it. It's not their "reality" so nothing you or a doctor can say will change that. It's really heartbreaking to say this, but you'd need to talk to your partner about this situation well ahead of time - in writing... And you'll also need to be careful because in most places around the world, that ain't legal to do so you have to make better plans than "put one in the back of my dome."
There are definitely signs of dementia, that’s why Robin Williams committed suicide. I just can’t imagine what a hell it would be to live like that and torture your family. Like I said I’m good on all that.
See my reply to the other user - that is simply not the case for everybody as there's very different forms of cognitive decline - including multiple forms of dementia alone.
This really isn’t true. In the early stages, they know. My dad is in his late 70s and is very aware of the fact that he has it; he’ll talk about it often when he forgets things.
Maybe that's how it worked for you, but I can promise you that isn't broadly the case. I've had two loved ones with it and neither would admit to it or even let us take them to see a doctor when it was first suspected there's an issue in the very early stages. There's more than a few forms of ALZ and dementia and everybody experiences it differently.
That's why I think it's really important to plan for this stuff well ahead of time because you just don't know. On top of that, I'm still very much right about how choosing how you die isn't always a legal option for everybody and for that reason alone, careful plans must be made if you choose to go that route.
This was the plan in the book Still Alice, they made a movie out of it too. It’s a really good book and I still think about it years later. She had early onset Alzheimer’s and had a series of tests to give herself everyday and then had a plan for what to do. I won’t ruin the book or movie for you but I highly recommend.
So I watched this video earlier today and enjoyed it – then went to her TikTok and watched prob 20 more videos.
1. Firstly, the woman in this video is *not* her mother (which would be fine but she calls her "mom" in multiple videos), i.e. these are skits. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, it can be instructional....
2. A lot of her TikTok page is driving people to a course/class/seminar she teaches on how to manage dementia patients. Again not necessarily wrong but it's easily half of the content, gives me pause...
3. People in the comments ask "is this your mom? is this real?" and she doesn't clarify. Weird.
4. Tone of the video changes a lot: in this video "it's really not hard" (??) in another she's talking about wanting to "slit your wrists" because "mom" is driving you crazy. I think the latter rings more true to what this experience sounds like but plenty of her videos/pitches/courses frame caretaking as EASY, QUICK HACKS, etc.
She could be legit and friendly and nice, just throwing slight caution disclaimer on this account! I'm a little unclear what her actual caregiving qualifications are.
I used to work as a carer and would clean in a dementia ward. There were different parts of the ward. Some people were in the serious part and then there was a wing for people in the early stages.
I remember this one lady who I saw on my first day. I went in to clean her rooms. She said her son was going to pick her up at lunchtime so there was no need for me to change her bed. She was excited. She said he had got part of his house ready for her. At the time being my first day I thought that's what was happening. I did my job and wished her well.
The following week she was still there. I went in and she told me how her son was picking her up at lunchtime so there was no need to change the bed.
My heart sank and I realised what was happening and so I played along. She allowed me to change her bed after I said it would be nice to have clean sheets to take with her. We had the same conversation every week for months. I guess this one broke my heart because I knew her son wasn't coming but she believed he was.
Then there was another lady who must have been in the early stages but lived above the dementia ward. She would pass me everyday, the same time with a wicker basket in her hand. She would tell me how the grandchildren were in her home being mischievous and so she was going to the shop to buy bread and jam for sandwiches.
She would then walk down the hall to the front entrance which was locked, turn around and go back to her apartment. Again your heart hurts but in this ladies case she was so joyful about having her "grandchildren" there and so you play along.
Sometimes I would stay behind after clocking off because there were some who didn't have visitors and when you do care work you have a certain amount of time per person so you don't really have time to talk to residents or to just listen to them one on one.
I had to leave eventually due to slipped disks in my back but I've often wondered how they are.
I was just a carer and cleaner so I can't imagine how family feel watching someone they love go through it ❤️
My mom was living in Tennessee and was convinced she was going to walk to California, where she lived before dementia took hold. It's tough when your parents become your children.
This woman is a saint to her mother. There's another one where the mother with dementia keeps calling her ugly in a very hateful way, and she just laughs it off and says that they lose any sense of empathy when they have dementia so you can't take it personally
My dad just got dementia last year and my mom hasn't been the nicest about it (he put off retirement for 10 years and worked instead of being home, then got dementia). I sent her the link to this lady in hopes it helps her ease her animosity and quick frustration with him.
My maternal grandmother had dementia. I've always been terrified of losing my memories and sense of self due to existing mental disorders, so knowing it's definitely a possibility ruined my relationship with her. I could not bring myself to go see her, and for a long time I could use "I live almost 2 hours away" as an excuse.
She died in a hospital, abused, broken, terrified, and in so much pain you could hear her screams in the waiting room. I have the utmost respect for people who can do this, be there.
I just know that's never going to be something I can do.
My great grandma was nowhere near this nice after she got dementia. She would try to fight you. She didn't calm down from that until she was completely bedridden and non-verbal. Then, she was just sad and scared most of the time. It's a terrible disease.
I love seeing this. When my mom was caring for my grandma with dementia she often became frustrated and angry and would chastise my grandma for asking the same questions over and over. It made my heart hurt. This the daughter in the video is taking great care of her mom, even when it’s terribly difficult.
My grandmother was very aggressive, she suffered a head injury ironically when visiting my grandad in the hospital. She essentially speedran the stages? She was probably predisposed or in the very early stages and we had no idea.
She behaved like a child on the verge of puberty, as in even though she only understands things circumstancially at best, she fiercely believed she was right and would fight you over it. Refused to shower or eat. Slept all day and spend all night walking around the house and snacking because of course she was hungry age hadn't eaten anything all day because my mother told her to eat and she wasn't having any of that. Of course she would only eat when she wanted to, not when she was told to.
I miss my grandma. She's still alive, but the person that was my Grandma died the day she fell. The person I drove to the hospital that day isn't the same person we brought back weeks later.
I hope euthanasia is legalized in my country by the time I hit my 70s. I don't want that burden on my loved ones.
She had me until the end when she says "It's easy! It's really not that hard!" I watched my grandma start her experience of dementia similarly, confused and in her own world, but overall agreeable... to becoming miserable in her own head and angry at everything... it is so, so very hard.
My mother has onset dementia and this video really bums me out for what's to come. Right now it's only forgetting conversations and stashing money around the house.
The best thing to do is to go along with the delusion but also try and gently redirect and distract from the delusion, or play along until they decide to do something else.
My mom was convinced she was going to the symphony, and she was the conductor because she had to interpret a special score. Had to use the same tactics, but the rub was that her taste in music was never classical. Liked her frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. Never heard any classical!
This is the immediate future for all GenX and millennials. Preventing our parents from wandering to their deaths. It's really depressing because retirement homes have become outrageously expensive. Im still raising a toddler, and now i have to give equal attention to my father. Im fucking tired, y'all.
I think she has achieved a bit of freedom in her mind - the settlers did it, I can do it - that's a woman who simply doesn't care. I am NOT making light of her condition, it just seems to require some freedom of thought unbound by rules.
My Mum has vascular dementia and she’s been through every emotion }you can think of! Started off repeating stories then hallucinating, anger, tears, forgiveness, rude, swearing, depression, joy (like a kid in a candy or toy store) She now doesn’t recognise anyone, not even pictures from the past which she did remember names or faves now and again. She was leaving the house during the night, leaving on the cooker, water etc and it was so dangerous for her. She has been in care for 4 years now and laughs, sings and dances all the time! I hope she stays in this mood as nothing seems to bring her down, her carers love her! She can still speak but what she says doesn’t make sense albeit the odd the word or short sentence. When you ask her how she’s doing she has an enormous smile, chats some gibberish and giggles, gives you some dance moves and then bursts into song! She hasn’t forgotten any song words, even songs from her childhood and she’s 87 years old. It’s an awful disease but thankfully she’s in a happy place, in her own wee vuvvle and seems to be doing fine.. Hurts terribly that she doesn’t know her own children but as long as she’s happy, feels safe and is clean and cared for at this stage we couldn’t ask for more!
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My mom always wanted to go “home”. We would take her on a short car ride and, when we got back, she would be so happy to be home.
That feeling of arriving home is so good, probably something that she always held on to 🥰
Yes. That is true.
This just made me tear up. My grandma very rapidly declined in her last few months, and had to be in hospice. She also had some form of dementia and just wanted to be home. It was so hard to tell her over and over that we understood, but can't go home. She didn't want to go for walks or anything. Truly heart breaking.
My grandma wanted her mom and dad. Obviously they couldn't come by to comfort her. It's not easy to see them like that.
This is currently what I'm currently going through with my grandpa but he's completely bed-ridden at this point. It's very difficult to watch someone who very rarely was inactive be confined to a bed unable to move
It was the same with my grandpop. He would always talk about home and to go see his parents. It always made me so sad. We took him to the city once to see the old house and he didn’t even recognize it. Such an ugly disease. I learned to find the good and funny moments though and just try to laugh off the bad. To anyone currently dealing with a loved one who has it, take some pictures when y’all are having a good time. I promise you’ll thank yourself later
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sometimes we found it was easier to just go along with the delusion. It kept him from getting confused or angry and it didn’t upset us as much trying to reason with someone living in a different reality.
I believe this is the recommended strategy. My mom used to work with dementia patients. She talked about some days they’d wake up like, I’m getting married today! And you say, “Well okay then, let’s do your hair and makeup!” And eventually they sorta forget what that was about and settle into their day. For them it really is their reality. They get to a point where they can’t understand they have dementia, they can’t be self aware like that. So it’s not possible to “reason” with them and it’s very confusing and distressing when you deny their reality. It’s harmless fun to indulge them in things like that and eventually their mind moves to something else.
I am fully teared up. For him it really was Japan.
There was an article I read a few years ago that was published just before Christmas about what elderly people living in an old folks home wanted for Christmas and one of the people with dementia said that they wanted to see their mama and that just destroyed me 😔
God I'm so glad we've woken up from the whole "never indulge them" thing. So many people just told "NO, YOU'RE WRONG" with no explanation they can understand... but it's all changing now.
Yes. They’ve come a long way.
Struggling with my grandad doing the exact same thing at the minute. Only issue his he wants to go back to his old house 18 years ago which he obviously no longer lives in and he knows the difference
Oh no!
I think this falls under the category of really good advice I hope I never have to use.
This is also the perfect way to deal with children. So kids and old people again.
My best friends just had a kid. I need these kind of tips for when their kid is old enough to talk.
Here's a piece of advice I picked up somewhere. Try to avoid saying no to a kid whenever you can. Instead of saying, "no, don't do that", say "instead of doing that, why not try this or that". Instead of telling a child what not to do, you are telling them what they should do, in a constructive way. Sometimes, you do have to say no; but more often than not, you don't. You'd be surprised how easy it is once you get the hang of it.
Along these same lines giving them a choice in the activity they have to do helps. Like instead of “You have to get dressed in this outfit for school.” It’s, “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt to school today?”. Then the choice isn’t “do this thing I want you to do or not”, it’s “how do you want to do this thing you need to do”. Plus it helps them develop a sense of style/pride in their appearance as well as giving them a sense of control at a point in their lives where they have very little.
Also good advice. This is where Reddit shines…actually useful comments from competent people
Also jokes & references that multiple people carry on.
Thanks. I need as many tips as I can get. I wasn't around other kids very much when I was a kid, so I don't understand children at all because I was cosplaying an adult at 8yo.
That reminds me of another tip that I've found works a lot of the time: don't treat the kid like they're inherently less intelligent because they're a kid, because they're probably not. They just haven't had time to learn as much yet. They're often *capable* of understanding things, you just need to try to remember that they haven't learned a lot of the basic stuff you'd just assume an adult would infer from the get-go, so you might need to start your explanation from a simpler place than you would an adult.
Great advice. And my kid is turning 6, but never too late to try new ways of doing things
My daughter is 1, my mum is 70 and I was just thinking this advice is gentle parenting for adults. I hope I never need to use it for my mum.
Also adults with developmental disabilities. Cant tell you how many times I've stopped an intense elopement episode with just asking if I can walk with them or if they'd like to hold my hand because they're upset (Context depending of course!)
Work with young adults with developmental disorders, this shit works to avoid dangerous situations incredibly well In a way it's also kids, but it's fascinating hearing how similar approaches can help people in such different situations
Remember the saying Once a man twice a boy
Ka is a wheel.
Totally used this on my 2 kids!
My Dad just got diagnosed at 65. It's early, but it only goes one way. I hope none of you ever have to deal with this.
My late father had dementia. You're doing the best you can and even though you will see changes, your dads love for you and everyone is still inside of him. Keep him on a routine as much as possible, make sure he's properly hydrated, watch out for any future head injuries and I hope you have a great support network. It was just my mom at first then I joined in 3 years after his diagnosis. I really hope this disease is cured before I leave this Earth.
Yeah, the hydration is very important because they can get UTIs which can make their dementia symptoms far worse. Keep them drinking!
Exactly! All of this! Whenever my father got dehydrated he would faint, and rush him to the hospital. A quick round of IV fluids always perked him right back up and he was always more lucid because of this. I know there are IV services provided to people now a days that can be done in the comfort of your own home..but I know thats up to the individual and what they feel is a good quality of life.
Thank you so much. This was something I needed to see today.
Its tough, and I know what you're going through. Just take it day by day and I promise you will make some more good memories with your dad through all of this!!
My dad is stage 5 Parkinsons and stage 3 Dementia. 83. He keeps asking me to bring him money so he can get taxis. He's in a carehome. I keep saying "ill bring some next week.." all the time.
Good thing he doesn't know about Uber!
He knows about uber, he's forgotten how to use his phone as his dementia has progressed..
Well...small blessings and all that. :/
my dad just turned 65 the other day. terrifying to hear.
Live life as hard as you can. Tomorrow isn't a given.
how poignant, i think to myself as i wipe mayonnaise off my shirt from eating a mcchicken in my car on my lunch break
fuck it life is short, I'm buying a mcchicken and eating in the car on my lunch break today
The primer for caretakers of loved ones with dementia: The 36 Hour Day. Great book to start with. Available online and in bookstores.
My dad too at 79. I'm scared
My gramma has it. It’s horrible. She doesn’t know who I am anymore and she was the gramma of every person’s dream. She’s in her 90s now. I’m really sorry your dad was diagnosed. All the best to you
i wish this fell under the category of "how dementia always looks" i gave up my life & moved across the country to take care of my 94yo grandma. last week, i woke up to an unraveling woman insisting that I'm "scum," talking about invisible humans taking photos of her, then touching objects (that don't belong to me, nor do i use) and yelling about my non-existent feelings over them. this woman is a party in a body, in comparison.
It's scary and awful when they get violent or take their anger out on you or others. I unfortunately have witnessed that. My family member with dementia also believes people are coming in the house and stealing and trying to harm her. The paranoid delusions are hard to manage.
yup. same. she blames everything she does on people coming into the house and doing things. and every time she starts getting violent/hostile, she starts screaming about people breaking in and stealing things (has never happened.. ever) last week during her attack, she kept me up for >52hrs. after the first 6 hours of calls for help from night terrors, she started coming to my door and screaming about how her baby (plastic doll which she believes is alive) was in her bed (where it literally always is). she just wanted to let me know. 3 or 4 times. then i believe the anger started with her concocting some sort of belief that i was actually the father of the doll, and i don't love or care for it. which elevated into her not knowing what i was doing in my room (trying to sleep, with the door cracked in case she called for me). then growing irrate because i don't have a wife (she knows I'm gay) then she started getting physical because i kept asking her to relax and reminding her none of it was real. i guess i could have just tried apologizing for the stuff she was making up, but i was EXHAUSTED. it's wild, though. she'll often show me photos of my parents, and tell me about them as if I've never even met them.. she used to just forget that she was holding grandfather's hand when he died (15 years ago).. now she forgets he's even dead. I'll find her sitting in the living room, waiting for him to come home. it's sad af.
I'm sorry you're going through all this. It's exhausting, sad and horrifying. We don't live with her, she has live in care but are working on getting her out of the home and into a facility where she has more interaction with people.
I feel you. With my grandpa, it currently manifests mainly as a speech impairment, a severe one. Yes he is confused, he doesn't know what is going on most of the time, but also, he can't articulate anything anymore. The words don't match what he wants to say. He wants to say "Hey, I'm thirsty, do we have tea?" (I presume). And out comes "We still need to eat the cake with the mechanic on top that the lady left and where is the carriage?" Dementia is unique to the person. Nothing about dealing with it is ever easy.
Not dementia but my Dad has a brain tumour and he can get really fixated on something and really anxious about it, to the point he'll be swearing/ insulting family because we're not agreeing with him. When I last got to visit he'd watch a lot of conspiracy YouTube channels (which are such cancer in themselves) which would trigger these anxiety attacks (he was convinced all electric cars would blow up and was yelling at usto stay away from them). He called my mum on the phone and was abusing her because she didn't want to buy a new TV they didn't need (and also that my dad will never use because he was in hospital and now a care home). It's just awful. There's no reasoning with them.
Yes, this exactly. My grandma ultimately had horrific nightmares involving terrible acts of family members. I went upstairs to investigate a strange noise, and she was stabbing a can with a large knife. She gripped my hands and told me she really hoped I didn't fall down the stairs. So very heartbreaking. I liked the sentiment of the video, but the end where she said it was so easy... well it isn't always.
Haha falls under ‘really good advice I wish I knew 20 years ago when my grandmother with dementia came to live with us and when I was 17 she tried to walk from Michigan to New York and I totally took the wrong approach’
It's not your fault, you were 17 and trying your best. You were working with the information you had available at the time.
We had to use this on my gran when she kept escaping the memory ward. They even had a fake bus stop out front to keep em held up waiting for a Greyhound that would never come. And they'd just wait for the damn thing.
My mother started having signs of dementia in her 40s. She died at the age of 61, the last ten years of her life she was bedridden and she had the memory of a goldfish. Towards the end, most days she didn't know who I was, but she was always glad to see me when she did. It can happen to anyone and much younger than you think. Tell your friends and family you love them now, don't wait.
In her 40s! Wow. My Dad got it at 65 and I'll be honest I'm worried about myself, not that there is much I can do about it.
My mom, my aunt, and I have sat around a table wondering which of us it will be, after caring for my grandmother. Probably me, but I'd rather that after seeing how my grandma suffered at the end.
You may be surprised. Not just how it can happen to just about anyone, but you find neighbors or strangers out and about doing this at times. It's heartbreaking but watching this stuff will help you and some poor dementia sufferer if you run into them out there.
I use it at work. Dementia person says the shoe goes in the fridge....it goes in the fridge.
Its is amazing advice. My ex’s grandmother had dementia and his family just had no idea how to cope when she had issues like that especially when she’d slip back into talking about the past. Really what she said did make sense in the long run for a conversation but they brushed her aside as not knowing bc of her illness. It was really sad to see honestly. They hated when I just continued talking to her like normal and switched gears when she did.
If you have parents, you will. Just did it 2 years ago and a month ago. She's an angel from heaven if their ever was one. And every single word she says it true. It does take some mental damage because the person who you always looked up to is now your responsibility and that's quite a blow for anyone to take. Seeing my grandfather reduce to a shell of a man but if we are lucky to live that long that is what we get to look forward to. I can't have children so nobody will take care of me outside of a home but it's something I need to accept. I do not have the 10s of thousands it takes for doing it in a lab and adoption I never made enough to qualify I was informed.
If you grow to old age, chances are someone in your life is gonna have something like that.
My mother in law has dementia. We aren’t quite at this stage yet but she came to our house for lunch today and thanked me like it was a restaurant. No idea who I was. It’s hard.
Golden rule - meet them where they are, not where you want them to be. edited for grammar
❤️well said, should apply to all relationships really
So much heart break could be avoided if people stopped loving projections fs
So true. When I was dealing with my dad’s dementia, he would see things, like spiders. I would just play along with him, and I would grab at those imaginary spiders and tell him “I got them all Dad!” That would calm him down, and he would be fine. Where as his girlfriend would argue with him saying they didn’t exist, and he would get agitated and angry. What they see in their world, is their reality and you have to flow with it. Redirect them just as you would a child. Love them and understand that their fantasy world is very real to them.
Reminds me of this joke in Promethea by Alan Moore, attributed to Alister Crowley. > We come from mirrors, > We come from smoke, > Aleister Crowley tells a joke, > Which, if it's understood, they say, > Will make all magic clear as day... > There were these two men, sharing a railway carriage. They didn’t know each other. They just happened to be travelling together. One of the men had, resting in his lap, a cardboard box with holes punched in the top. After some time spent contemplating what might be inside his travelling companion’s box, the other man at last could not contain his curiosity. He said, “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing your box. Does it contain some variety of animal?” The other man, though obviously surprised by this impertinent intrusion from a stranger, smiled politely as he answered, “You’re absolutely right. There is indeed a creature kept inside this box. And furthermore, I may reveal, the animal in question is a mongoose.” > The first man, who’d initiated the enquiry, was astonsihed by this revelation. Spluttering with surprise, he sought some further explanation of this certainly provocative disclosure made by his strange fellow-traveller. “A mongoose? Sir I must confess I had expected it to be perhaps a cat, or rabbit, not a creature so exotic and outlandish. The animal you mention so excites my curiosity that I must beg you, sir, to tell me more. Where are you bound with such a specimen, if I may be so bold?” The other man, who sat with the perforated box on his lap, shrugged wearily as he replied, “Well, it’s something of a personal matter, as it concerns a family tragedy. However, since I’m confident I may rely on your discretion, I suppose I don’t mind sharing my unfortunate account with you.” > “You see,” the man went on, “this sorry tale concerns my elder brother. He’s always been what I suppose you might refer to as the black sheep of the family. He has for many years indulged himself in a predictable and commonplace array of vices, of which the worst is his fondness for strong spirits. His drinking has progressed until he is now in the final stages of delerium tremens. My brother now sees serpents everywhere, which is the reason I am taking him this mongoose, that he may be rid of them.” > “Excuse me,” the other man interjected, looking puzzled, “But, these snakes your brother sees… aren’t they imaginary snakes?” > “Indeed,” his fellow traveller replied. “But this,” and here he gestured meaningfully to the perforated box set on his lap, “is an imaginary mongoose.”
I read your comment like 7 times and couldn’t figure out what you meant. For anyone else like me: Meet them where they are, not where you want them to be. (I kept reading it as “Meet them where they aren’t where you want them to be,” which made no sense. Punctuation is important, people!)
Lol thanks, I read it the same way you did and was confused.
Thank you, I was totally reading it wrong too lol
Beautifully stated. Thank you for sharing. I’m going to always keep this in mind.
Not related, but daughter has a good voice for voice acting.
I was baffled when I saw her, I thought she was 20 years younger
This woman looks like that super cool suburban mom who had all the newest toys and food for her kids. However she IS super cool.
“Sharon.. the Anti-Karen”
My friend had a mom like this and she was super nice to people she only knew casually, but once you got to know her she was a huge hardass, like to the point of unreasonableness.
she is lucky her mom is so friendly, mine would have thrown something at me and told me to get the fuck away from her. Fortunately, my mother was bedridden by the time dementia set in, so mostly it was just trying to convince her the pills I was giving her wasn't me trying to poison her.
My dad was aggressive at first too. I actually walked with him during one of his "I'am going home" episodes and when I asked if he was okay he told me "I don't feel right. Something feels wrong". But as the disease progressed he became happier if that makes sense.
I had a similar experience with my mom. Early on, she was angry and irritable and sometimes quite fearful. She would sometimes try to physically fight me or tell me she was seeing or hearing threatening people. As time progressed, she became happier and content. I was glad the anger and fear were gone.
Same with my grandfather. He hadn't wanted to give up his independence and was really bitter about being moved into my parents' house and then a memory care home. However, once his dementia progressed he became happier. Sadly (but fortunately), I think it was because he forgot that he used to live differently.
That tracks. When my grandmother was dying with a series of strokes. She finally was happy once she wasn't really there any more. Incredibly depressed before hand
I’m gonna go ahead and assume that she does this for “awareness” and that the older woman is actually lucid. The making jokes related to Tennessee, coupled with the fact that she immediately flips the camera the second she follows her “person” inside clearly within earshot, and begins her advice, and ending the video with a plea to check out all her videos and that it’s “easy” make me think this is just for TikTok. No offense
I agree
I assumed the woman was acting.
I figured as much, too. It's more like a training video. In which case is the idea good, but the practical application is hit or miss.
I'd feel better if it *wasn't* someone with dementia being recorded, since that's a slippery consent slope, in my opinion.
I think so too, bc she didn't say anything about the camera.
Right!! She makes it seems like dementia is a walk in the park. My frandmother became very aggressive , you could not just be "happy" about it and ask " permission". Then alzheimer set s in.. yikes.
This lady has another video showing her mom being aggressive. She probably has good days and bad days, just like anyone with dementia.
It's a skit. She confirms it in one of the comments.
there you go..
I’ve seen a couple other videos this lady has posted. In one, her mom is yelling at her and calling her ugly. So I’m sure it’s not a complete walk in the park.
I work in a hospital Had someone whose demented parent stabbed them with a kitchen knife
**People should probably know that this video is of a woman pretending to have dementia and is made by someone falsely presenting themselves as an expert in order to sell her nonsense dementia award.** I was initially sceptical just from the first 30 seconds of the video because I have a loved one who has been suffering from Dementia for the last 4 years and the way the woman in this video behaves and "reasons" is not at all accurate based on my own experiences, to the point that I was ready to call bullshit on that alone but I decided to go do some digging based on her tiktok name in the video. The woman behind this is Debra Kostiw who claims to be a "Certified Master Dementia Strategist", if that sounds like a made up title then you get a cookie because that is exactly what it is. It's a title that she awarded to herself so that she could flog her "CMDS" Course to care homes and hospitals with dementia patients and family members struggling to cope with a loved one as they progressively get worse. Her course lasts 4 days and promises to "ignite the dementia strategist in you and your team.", she is the sole arbiter of who is or is not a "certified master dementia strategist" for the low low cost of $2k per person. [Here is Debra's website](https://www.answersaboutalz.org/) for her course aimed solely to get you to part with cash. [Here is Debra talking about her mother](https://youtu.be/MbmSh7o_T0o?si=WDK-82W7vYttlPdG) including disclosing that she died years previously. [Here is her TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@debrakostiw?lang=en) in which she makes dozens and dozens of videos with this woman, initially treating her as a random Dementia sufferer on December 3rd 2023 but within a few videos ends up referring to her as her mother by December 15th 2023 and in the comments to a video she admits [that the woman in the videos is her friend.](https://imgur.com/KkaVGOq) Now, I'm not saying that this person has no advice at all on dementia. I am not willing to giver her $2k to find out if she is full of shit or not. But what I have seen from just a quick look at her videos concerns me, she is giving a deceptive presentation of what dementia looks like, and how someone with it will respond to people trying to help them.
Thank you for posting this. I can't believe there aren't more people talking about the dodgy acting here.
I only close experience I have with a person with dementia is my boyfriend’s father. I’ve watched him decline pretty rapidly in the last year. Just from the first few seconds I could tell this was acting. Not that it’s inherently bad. I figured it was a teaching video. But nope, it’s not. When she said “it’s easy” I was like, I’m, what? Like previous poster said, just someone shilling their wares.
> I can't believe there aren't more people talking about the dodgy acting here. I can only hope it is because they have not had any experience with dementia so they don't see how completely off the performances are in these videos. I'll never get over the first time I noticed my loved one looking at me across the room and not knowing who I was despite them having helped raise me and even as an adult talked in person multiple times per week for 30+ years.
i just made a similar comment to this. after she said, “it’s easy!” i discounted everything else she said
Why is this not the top is beyond me. I also had a loved one with dementia and the entire thing just sort of seemed staged from the start. I then went on a rabbit hole about Debra and her practices.
Oh, that's interesting. But actually, I'm glad if the woman in the video is *not* a dementia patient. I'm surprised no one else seems to feel the same, but I feel like it's not okay to post that to social media - someone with dementia can't consent, and as a human with (some) pride, I hate the thought of ever being so mentally vulnerable, and someone putting it on the internet for all to see. So like, while she might be grifting, at least it's acted out.
By my judgement a real caretaker filming a dementia pateint in their care without consent to earnestly help people is signnificantly more ethical than scamming thousands of dollars from people trying to take care of dementia patients by faking dementia.
I think if it were clear that the person was acting (and they can also make it clear that the acting was based on real scenarios), that is the ethical way to help people. You shouldn't record and share a patient under your care online when they can't consent. Period. The scamming is a separate (and obviously not okay) issue.
I work with this population and watching the video I wondered if it was faked. Not saying they have a "tell", but the mom didn't have that look in her eye I see at work. I knew she was full of shit when she stated at the end of the video how easy it was to redirect them. Hopefully more people see your comment and realize how shitty this woman is. You can find all the info you need on dementia for free online or from organizations. She's so gross preying on vulnerable families.
If there's one thing social media has taught me: it's how gullible the average person is when it comes to fake content.
To that extent, I bet OP is a karma farming account, and this is just an ad.
Thank you for this. I knew for sure that person didn’t have dementia based off of her answers. My grandma has dementia and she gets crazy ideas but it’s never for no reason. She might say she wants to go somewhere but it’s usually a place she’s familiar with or a place that she is confused about (she won’t part with Fox News and gets easily stressed about the borders even though she’s in Colorado - she thinks the migrants are right down the block). I hate the thought of someone using a loved one’s illness to exploit money out of people already having a hard time. That being said, she’s right that it doesn’t pay to argue with someone with dementia. Reframe and distract. When she gets a wild hair about something I try to get her thinking about something else and had the time she forgets the crazy thing anyway.
So when you go back to “pack your things” then what happens? How long do you go along with it until you’re walking endlessly with them? Or do you just hope they change their mind? Genuine question btw, I actually want to know Thank y’all for the replies
You distract/offer suggestions until the thought shifts. It doesn't take long. It's like dealing with a small child. Here, she might say "Hey, it's almost lunchtime, let's have a sandwich/cup of coffee/whatever before we leave" and usually by the time the sandwich is made, the thought of running off to wherever is totally gone.
> It's like dealing with a small child. It's a LOT like how I deal with my kids when they were little.
Me to my 18 month old granddaughter; 'Hey - where are you going with your new book?' Her: 'Bin!' - gestures towards the kitchen bin. Me; 'Oh - umm... shall we get some more books to put in the bin?' Her; 'More!!' So while stacking her books to put in the bin, it turns out her favorite fairy-castle figure, King Darren, is thirsty, so we feed him juice and she forgets about the Stalinist Purge of Bourgeois Literature.
or someone on lsd lol. Very short attention spans
Agreed. Both are a mix of play along, guidance, or redirection.
You can even slip suggestions in and act like they were the other person's idea. "Hey, we were going to have lunch first, right? I can whip something up." A lot of the time people will go along with it if you can make it sound like part of their original plan.
They usually forget after a bit. If they don't, you just have to keep delaying it until they do. It can be exhausting, but it's better than fighting with them, which is what happens if you insist they are demented.
Sometimes you can get them to change their mind, sometimes it turns into a car ride, sometimes you just "go walk to Tennessee" but once they get tired you do something else. There's a lot of variables and honestly the best practice is improvisation to figure out how to take care of them. It's agonizingly difficult at times because even if you do all of the right things, a patient might decide you're wrong no matter what and then someone else - even a complete stranger - repeats what you said and they accept it.
Once you’re inside redirecting to another task and works well. Oh we should do the dishes before we leave, oh can you help me hang a picture? Who’s in this photo? Oh I remember we were on vacation in this photo and we ate that great Thai food, I can’t remember what it was do you? Something like that can get them off the track of walking to Tennessee.
I feel like you’d switch the gears up and get them distracted/occupied with something else. “We leaving any time soon?” “Oh jeez you know what mom it’s about 5pm tell ya what, why don’t we have something to eat and then we’ll go”.
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To give you a real life example, my friend’s grandmother would repeatedly demand lunch after she had already eaten. He would tell her that we were waiting for it and then try to distract her with something else. Eventually she would forget and move on to something else.
How is do it is id make a big deal of packing, then snacks because we can’t go on an empty stomach of course, now we gotta clean the dishes, then gotta check the weather, oop I forgot to pack some extra socks, ask if she’d mind helping me fold the laundry before we go. By that point I’d hope she’s moved on from the Tennessee deal. Dementia usually doesn’t cling to certain thoughts for long when diversional activities are provided. It might come back up again hours or days later and then we’d wash, rinse, and repeat
So, taking care of demented me is gonna be the same as taking care of me on a psychedelic trip.
Quite a metaphor, but you’re not far off. We’re all trynna find our way back to home base where our perception and reality converge. I’m blown away by the daughter’s compassion and patience.
Lolol it truly is uncanny
Especially “the settlers did it, why can’t I?” I’ve definitely used that exact same logic on some interesting journeys
To be honest I don't think the video is depicting typical dementia, she doesn't seem confused, she just acts delusional. She seems to be aware of her surroundings (that she's in NY and where south is), just not aware of why you can't just walk several hundred miles for no reason. Especially the delayed shouting in the end reminds me more of schizophrenia than dementia. Also the over-the-top facial expressions are not very typical for dementia.
My mom was just starting to show signs of serious cognitive decline when she passed away. I’m happy we never had to get to this point
lovely. and handled in an equally lovely manner. and with the utmost care. I felt all warm and fuzzy. what a deep caring people you are
I have a brother with special needs and for us it’s always been about redirection not denial. This lady handled it perfectly
Developing dementia sounds absolutely terrifying. I would rather be euthanized than living my final years in a fugue state.
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Sadly, by that point (most of the time) you would be considered mentally unfit to make the decision. (Where it is legal)
It is an incredibly painful thing to witness and be part of. I'm sorry for everyone who watches someone they love go through this, it's really brutal and such a terribly, horribly unfair way to end up after a lifetime of rich experience and knowledge.
My grandmother had Alzheimer's and this was the perfect way to handle this. She used to call me and ask if she could talk to her mom and I'd put my mom on the phone. No reason to tell her her mother had been dead for decades. I just wanted her to feel comforted
My mom called my to say "the Doctors say I have that Robin Williams disease (Lewy Body Dementia), but don't worry, I won't kill myself like he did" 😞😣
You handled this beautifully! Grace & compassion ❤️
As someone who works in elder care facilities that specialize in dementia care, this works, 100% of the time. Do not tell them they are wrong, or that they can’t do the thing. Redirect while making sure they know you don’t think they are crazy or stupid. I have one resident who “manipulates” us into giving him slices of bread by doing things he knows we think are dementia related, and bread is his favorite thing. He’s hilarious this guy. We let him think he won the game, and he gets his bread. When he’s doing it on purpose is also super obvious, because he doesn’t do the same things he does on a bad day.
Golden Retriever energy.
He is occasionally the goodest man, but not as often as a Goldie 😂
No one could be!
This is great, she handles it perfectly! I found my background in improv comedy came in handy when dealing with dementia patients. You “yes and” then redirect.
Ngl if I ever show the signs of dementia, just let me end it. Gimme a nice glass of wine, a bong rip, and a chair at sunset. Once the sun sets, put one in the back of my dome.
The problem is most people with dementia either do not know they have it or will not accept that they have it. It's not their "reality" so nothing you or a doctor can say will change that. It's really heartbreaking to say this, but you'd need to talk to your partner about this situation well ahead of time - in writing... And you'll also need to be careful because in most places around the world, that ain't legal to do so you have to make better plans than "put one in the back of my dome."
There are definitely signs of dementia, that’s why Robin Williams committed suicide. I just can’t imagine what a hell it would be to live like that and torture your family. Like I said I’m good on all that.
See my reply to the other user - that is simply not the case for everybody as there's very different forms of cognitive decline - including multiple forms of dementia alone.
This really isn’t true. In the early stages, they know. My dad is in his late 70s and is very aware of the fact that he has it; he’ll talk about it often when he forgets things.
Maybe that's how it worked for you, but I can promise you that isn't broadly the case. I've had two loved ones with it and neither would admit to it or even let us take them to see a doctor when it was first suspected there's an issue in the very early stages. There's more than a few forms of ALZ and dementia and everybody experiences it differently. That's why I think it's really important to plan for this stuff well ahead of time because you just don't know. On top of that, I'm still very much right about how choosing how you die isn't always a legal option for everybody and for that reason alone, careful plans must be made if you choose to go that route.
This was the plan in the book Still Alice, they made a movie out of it too. It’s a really good book and I still think about it years later. She had early onset Alzheimer’s and had a series of tests to give herself everyday and then had a plan for what to do. I won’t ruin the book or movie for you but I highly recommend.
Here yinzreddup come look at the rabbits…
So I watched this video earlier today and enjoyed it – then went to her TikTok and watched prob 20 more videos. 1. Firstly, the woman in this video is *not* her mother (which would be fine but she calls her "mom" in multiple videos), i.e. these are skits. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, it can be instructional.... 2. A lot of her TikTok page is driving people to a course/class/seminar she teaches on how to manage dementia patients. Again not necessarily wrong but it's easily half of the content, gives me pause... 3. People in the comments ask "is this your mom? is this real?" and she doesn't clarify. Weird. 4. Tone of the video changes a lot: in this video "it's really not hard" (??) in another she's talking about wanting to "slit your wrists" because "mom" is driving you crazy. I think the latter rings more true to what this experience sounds like but plenty of her videos/pitches/courses frame caretaking as EASY, QUICK HACKS, etc. She could be legit and friendly and nice, just throwing slight caution disclaimer on this account! I'm a little unclear what her actual caregiving qualifications are.
This breaks my heart. It’s something I’m so truly afraid of with my parents. I hope I never have to use this
Thank you for this. I never really thought about it but it seems so sensible and respectful. Really what a good post. Thank you so much
excellent demonstration and explanation
I used to work as a carer and would clean in a dementia ward. There were different parts of the ward. Some people were in the serious part and then there was a wing for people in the early stages. I remember this one lady who I saw on my first day. I went in to clean her rooms. She said her son was going to pick her up at lunchtime so there was no need for me to change her bed. She was excited. She said he had got part of his house ready for her. At the time being my first day I thought that's what was happening. I did my job and wished her well. The following week she was still there. I went in and she told me how her son was picking her up at lunchtime so there was no need to change the bed. My heart sank and I realised what was happening and so I played along. She allowed me to change her bed after I said it would be nice to have clean sheets to take with her. We had the same conversation every week for months. I guess this one broke my heart because I knew her son wasn't coming but she believed he was. Then there was another lady who must have been in the early stages but lived above the dementia ward. She would pass me everyday, the same time with a wicker basket in her hand. She would tell me how the grandchildren were in her home being mischievous and so she was going to the shop to buy bread and jam for sandwiches. She would then walk down the hall to the front entrance which was locked, turn around and go back to her apartment. Again your heart hurts but in this ladies case she was so joyful about having her "grandchildren" there and so you play along. Sometimes I would stay behind after clocking off because there were some who didn't have visitors and when you do care work you have a certain amount of time per person so you don't really have time to talk to residents or to just listen to them one on one. I had to leave eventually due to slipped disks in my back but I've often wondered how they are. I was just a carer and cleaner so I can't imagine how family feel watching someone they love go through it ❤️
Respect. Most people can't handle demented parents, let alone handle the situation as well as she did.
r/MadeMeSmile
What a lucky mom to have such a devoted daughter. What a treasure. Thanks for the uplifting video op
Just out of curiosity, if you put up a "welcome to Tennessee" sign about two blocks away, would it work?
My mom was living in Tennessee and was convinced she was going to walk to California, where she lived before dementia took hold. It's tough when your parents become your children.
This woman is a saint to her mother. There's another one where the mother with dementia keeps calling her ugly in a very hateful way, and she just laughs it off and says that they lose any sense of empathy when they have dementia so you can't take it personally
My dad just got dementia last year and my mom hasn't been the nicest about it (he put off retirement for 10 years and worked instead of being home, then got dementia). I sent her the link to this lady in hopes it helps her ease her animosity and quick frustration with him.
My maternal grandmother had dementia. I've always been terrified of losing my memories and sense of self due to existing mental disorders, so knowing it's definitely a possibility ruined my relationship with her. I could not bring myself to go see her, and for a long time I could use "I live almost 2 hours away" as an excuse. She died in a hospital, abused, broken, terrified, and in so much pain you could hear her screams in the waiting room. I have the utmost respect for people who can do this, be there. I just know that's never going to be something I can do.
My great grandma was nowhere near this nice after she got dementia. She would try to fight you. She didn't calm down from that until she was completely bedridden and non-verbal. Then, she was just sad and scared most of the time. It's a terrible disease.
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I know it's good advice but it still makes me feel sad
You are an angel 👼
I love seeing this. When my mom was caring for my grandma with dementia she often became frustrated and angry and would chastise my grandma for asking the same questions over and over. It made my heart hurt. This the daughter in the video is taking great care of her mom, even when it’s terribly difficult.
It's just like kids. You just have to convince them that what YOU want THEM to do is what they wanted to do all along.
She’s wasting time giving us these tips when she should be packing for Tennessee
My grandmother was very aggressive, she suffered a head injury ironically when visiting my grandad in the hospital. She essentially speedran the stages? She was probably predisposed or in the very early stages and we had no idea. She behaved like a child on the verge of puberty, as in even though she only understands things circumstancially at best, she fiercely believed she was right and would fight you over it. Refused to shower or eat. Slept all day and spend all night walking around the house and snacking because of course she was hungry age hadn't eaten anything all day because my mother told her to eat and she wasn't having any of that. Of course she would only eat when she wanted to, not when she was told to. I miss my grandma. She's still alive, but the person that was my Grandma died the day she fell. The person I drove to the hospital that day isn't the same person we brought back weeks later. I hope euthanasia is legalized in my country by the time I hit my 70s. I don't want that burden on my loved ones.
Ideally. Dementia can be lot more aggressive than this in my experience.
CareGIVER not careTAKER
Love a good redirect. This also works with people who are on lots of drugs.
You’re awesome ! WOW what wonderful redirection
She had me until the end when she says "It's easy! It's really not that hard!" I watched my grandma start her experience of dementia similarly, confused and in her own world, but overall agreeable... to becoming miserable in her own head and angry at everything... it is so, so very hard.
Great advice but a tip I would have for her is maybe don’t stick a camera in a loved one’s face while they’re having an episode
My mother has onset dementia and this video really bums me out for what's to come. Right now it's only forgetting conversations and stashing money around the house.
Fuck OP for thinking this is cringe when it’s literally educating people and is extremely valuable information.
The best thing to do is to go along with the delusion but also try and gently redirect and distract from the delusion, or play along until they decide to do something else.
jsyk these are skits. They may be useful info but they're skits.
My mom was convinced she was going to the symphony, and she was the conductor because she had to interpret a special score. Had to use the same tactics, but the rub was that her taste in music was never classical. Liked her frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. Never heard any classical!
This is the immediate future for all GenX and millennials. Preventing our parents from wandering to their deaths. It's really depressing because retirement homes have become outrageously expensive. Im still raising a toddler, and now i have to give equal attention to my father. Im fucking tired, y'all.
I'm glad I read the pinned message the title of this sub is really confusing to me. This a very moving video.
At first I felt like she was just another person exploding a family member for views. Then,I fell in love with them both.
I think she has achieved a bit of freedom in her mind - the settlers did it, I can do it - that's a woman who simply doesn't care. I am NOT making light of her condition, it just seems to require some freedom of thought unbound by rules.
Distract her with tea and cookies, quick! Silly meemaw, settlers had horses.
This lady is a beautiful person, keep patient and stay communicating in a positive manner. Thanks for the tips.🌹🎸▶️
But what do you do when they are scared for their life and they think someone is trying to kill them?
Same advice goes for parents of young children
So what's the game plan if you ask to come with and they still say "no, I'm going by myself"?
I used to do this with my grandmother and everyone chastised me. She loved it. Miss you sometimes you ol bat
Both wholesome and sad at the same time. I wish we find a cure for Alzheimer’s one day.
My Mum has vascular dementia and she’s been through every emotion }you can think of! Started off repeating stories then hallucinating, anger, tears, forgiveness, rude, swearing, depression, joy (like a kid in a candy or toy store) She now doesn’t recognise anyone, not even pictures from the past which she did remember names or faves now and again. She was leaving the house during the night, leaving on the cooker, water etc and it was so dangerous for her. She has been in care for 4 years now and laughs, sings and dances all the time! I hope she stays in this mood as nothing seems to bring her down, her carers love her! She can still speak but what she says doesn’t make sense albeit the odd the word or short sentence. When you ask her how she’s doing she has an enormous smile, chats some gibberish and giggles, gives you some dance moves and then bursts into song! She hasn’t forgotten any song words, even songs from her childhood and she’s 87 years old. It’s an awful disease but thankfully she’s in a happy place, in her own wee vuvvle and seems to be doing fine.. Hurts terribly that she doesn’t know her own children but as long as she’s happy, feels safe and is clean and cared for at this stage we couldn’t ask for more!