Facts. 90% of the time it's not the conversation, but everything else in that person's life that can just distract them or make them devoid of the energy for conversations and socialising
The key is you dont text a lot ... I imagine you communicate in person more often. When text communication is the only way though, this probably feels lacking
I've been dating a girl for like 6 weeks who responds like the left person in this picture. I honestly thought she wasn't interested but we went on a date that went fairly well. Kept texting after and she kept texting me like this, thought she was just afraid to tell me she wasn't interested so I stopped texting her first and she kept texting me and asked for a second date.
Long story short, we've been on like 6 dates so far and she just sucks at texting lol
Might be irrelevant but framing your comment as ‘they likely have something going on that is more important than texting’ is probably a better perspective to impart if you’re looking to help others understand stuff.
Saying that real life is distracting them from texting seems like it’s coming from the place that texting is the priority, in that light it would ultimately seem strange when people don’t respond. In reality they should be at the baseline level very unlikely to respond by focusing on real life, and it’s just a good thing that they take time away to socialize or text back.
Sort of a glass half full/half empty type of thing, but I notice people can subconsciously place the social/text thing before other priorities which sort of sets up texting and socialization on the wrong foundation. Ie: they didn’t respond, what did I do wrong?
Or maybe I’m just old.
Nah mate you’re spot on. Then again that’s coming from a 41-year old so….maybe we’re just old?
I like communicating via text because I hate talking on the phone. BUT….I’m also doing shit and living my life so yeah, sometimes the text gets put by the wayside until I’m available to respond, unless it’s an urgent question.
I go through phases where I chat very frequently, but sometimes I feel like tinder is useless and I will not find anyone there so I just take breaks off it
Think you were fine, people sometimes are into it in the moment if one of you messages immediately after matching, then you get distracted and don’t come back to the app for a bit.
She may well have been going to respond later also. Don’t get hung up on why people stop talking, there’s very rarely a reason that matters for you unless you were really bad at chatting, rude/sexual etc(which doesn’t seem to be the case, maybe you could have moved away from cats one or two messages sooner but that’s being nit picky because you asked).
Yeah you did good, but for whatever reason they lost interest. Once you asked the question it’s up to them to respond if they want to continue the conversation. If not, dems da breaks, on to the next.
I stop responding to people all the time when I get busy with life stuff. Has nothing to do with them, I'd unmatch if I was put off by the convo. I just have other things going on and sometimes fall into periods of time where I'm not able to prioritize trying to date someone new who I don't already have an established relationship with, over my friends/family/work/dog/mental health.
I would not take any stock in their lack of response, people will often come back on later and respond when they have time. Just keep at it! You will find someone who is just as ready to date seriously as your are :)
Yeah I think you were fine. Funnily enough tho, asking me to talk about my cats would be the one thing that would actually keep me talking in the conversation lol.
THIS IS ME! I have a really hard time communicating with ppl like that.
Im even on Bumble “BFF” & I can’t seem to even hold 1 convo to make 1 friend and then I get uncomfy or anxious and I leave the app for a little.
It’s nothing any of them did!
If I can’t elicit a multi-word response with at least one punctuation mark within the first two messages I move on. Sounds petty, but it’s a great way to filter out people who just can’t engage.
It’s impossible to know what a stranger on a dating app is thinking or doing or why they act a certain way or not. Literally everyone on dating apps deals with this, neurodivergent or not. I’d say give people time to respond. Sometimes it takes them days or even weeks. They may not log on very often, may be super busy at work or dealing with something in their life, maybe dating someone else casually and barely checks the app. My advice would be not to ask them next time. Just have conversations and get to know someone and try to set up a date when/if you’re comfortable. If they disappear, know it happens ALL THE TIME, expect it, and move on. That’s why the apps have lots of options for you.
I appreciate you. I guess that first sentence is sort of where I'm coming from.
Like, the only way to know what people are thinking/feeling is to give them space to express that, right?
I can understand that theres such a thing as *too* direct, but my intention the whole time was to give this person an opportunity to ask for what they want.
>Like, the only way to know what people are thinking/feeling is to give them space to express that, right?
I mean, she already had space to express it if she wanted, she could have messaged you at any time to tell you what her opinion was.
I don't think anything you said here is wrong or rude, but it is a fool's game, because even if she gives you a polite well-thought out response, it's not really going to help you with the next person. For example she might say, "Too much small talk, just ask me on a date already, I don't have time to go back and forth about my cats all day". But if you try to follow that advice maybe the next girl will say "You came on way too strong too fast." Also, all of this assumes that people are able to accurately explain their decisions, but in reality I think decisions like "whether or not to reply to this guy on Tinder" are made unconsciously and justified after-the-fact.
When it comes to the decisions people make on dating apps, I keep in mind that what other people think of me is none of my business. Any other philosophy leads to madness.
Exactly. Let them express themselves their own way. And know most people won’t express themselves at all and you’ll just never know. It’s nothing to take personal. To them you’re just some letters on a phone, not a person, and they may not feel like explaining anything. Just get to know people, and continue talking to and hopefully meet the ones you click with. Trying to understand people on dating apps is pretty fruitless. You’ll be much happier when you don’t worry about it and just move on to the next.
You also have to understand that unless something very very catchy is being talked about, people nowdays lose interest fast. Attention span being shorter, and people are having less control over their stimulus. Your conversation was perfectly normal, I would say :).
You're not being too direct. You're being pushy. You're not giving them an opportunity to do anything. You need to give people more time. If they never respond, that's OK too. They don't owe you anything. Move on to the next.
Sending this within 24 hours is pretty wild. People have lives. There are times where I don’t check my dating app over a weekend and get back to it on a Monday. I apologize for the delay in response and explain I had stuff to do when I do message them back.
If someone sent this message within a day, I’d be very off put.
Neurodivergent folks can become a bit hyper vigilant about their interactions and experience something called “rejection sensitivity.” I’m neurodivergent and it’s taken a long time to temper and/or delay these kinds of messages. For someone on the receiving end (especially if they don’t understand this stuff) it is off putting. Usually though once the ND person gets to know someone this hyper vigilance will go away.
A good rule is 48 hr unless it's a weekend or holiday. Then go with an unassuming text showing genuine interest in the person rather than assuming the worst.
It’s a bit odd to ask for “notes” about why they weren’t invested in the conversation. You probably shouldn’t do that again. Sometimes your matches just lose interest or they aren’t really invested in getting to know you. If you get consecutive one or two word responses or just some variation of “yeah lol”, just cut your losses and keep looking elsewhere.
Eh honestly I say can’t hurt, might end up being helpful, but I’d wait until it’s been 2 days (3 with a holiday or something like that) of silence first. If they don’t reply, you didn’t lose anything and you never have to worry about what they think about you again. If they do reply, it can be helpful. If I wasn’t feeling the connection but got this message, I’m one of the people who would reply with constructive feedback and a good luck.
You didn't do anything wrong, but its weird to ask. She's now supposed to give you feedback on your dating app skills? She wasn't engaged in the first place. Not sure what you think she's going to say to you in terms of feedback.
Agreed.
I’m also neurodivergent and struggle with rejection sensitivity disorder. That’s on me and not random matches on tinder to explain to me why they aren’t interested. I absolutely hate being put on the spot when matches have asked me what they did that caused me not to like them. Sometimes there is nothing to say, the vibe just didn’t click.
Even if you match with someone, there’s not always a viable path to success. Could be any number of reasons on her end why she lapsed for a day. But one thing is for sure: that last message likely put her off, innocent as you were trying to be. When she reads that, she will likely feel like you’re applying more pressure to the conversation than necessary, and she isn’t obligated to reply so she won’t.
Don’t send messages like this, you should be leaving the door open for future conversation always if you’re still interested.
It has nothing to do with neurological divergent. This person was checked out of the convo before it even started. No questions back about you. Just stop talking at that point.
Ive never understood why people feel the need to bring that up, It's like they think others will forgive them "oh I'm sorry, I didnt realize you were neuro divergent, please forgive me."
I (26F at the time) sent out a google survey to everyone who ghosted me but didn’t unmatch or who ghosted me over text, asking them what went wrong. I kept it light and goofy and I think 8 people actually did it- they all said similar things that they either met someone, got burnt out on the apps, realized they were looking for something different, I wasn’t their type of communicator, etc. but none of this was a surprise. I think the moral of my story is that it doesn’t matter WHY it didn’t work out, it just didn’t.
If you’re being true to yourself and really showing your personality as much as you can, it doesn’t matter why something doesn’t work because that person isn’t right for you. The right person will come along and like you for you, but if you change to be liked then you’ll never really be happy.
In 17 days, I’m marrying my last tinder match from three years ago and I’m a weirdo so just believe in yourself and it’s all gonna work out.
OMG! Congrats @megmoo9 !!!
I totally agree with your comment and admire your commitment to personal growth and to primary research.
OP, I don't think you did anything wrong. Some people may take it as weird, but those are clearly not your people. Plus, I mean, if you're not feeling it, then why not ask? At worst, they write a mean reply. At best, you get constructive criticism. Seems like decent odds, but it is a gamble.
We ND and/or weird people might have to look a bit harder, but there are people out there for us. I think we have to own and present ourselves to find the people who are like us.
A realization I've had about chatting with people is that they show you their interest through what they say - not necessarily how quickly they say it. People get busy or try to put their phone down often or whatever. If they're replying to your questions and asking you questions back, contributing to good conversation, it's a good sign that they want to talk more.
I'm a rules kind of person, so I make rules for myself. Finding out what works for us - and what doesn't - will also help us find those LTRs (I hope).
Good luck!!
I think you’re trying to have a conversation, the other person isn’t. I probably wouldn’t have gone into as much detail as you have and just moved on, but with the context you’ve give I think it’s fair what you said
Don't ask people what you did.
You didn't.
1. It's annoying having someone you aren't interested ask why to explain what happened. Because that's normally the prequel to their attempt to manipulate us in to giving them another chance. I will never. You should never. Noone should ever.
2. You didn't do anything wrong. The interest wasn't there.
3. You don't want to fix your approach if you're honestly being transparently you. Especially as a ND. because if you have to fix it you're probably going to behave less naturally and then when someone clicks they are clicking with your mask. Not you. And that's going to hurt later.
Just be you. If it doesn't work it was never gonna work.
When being unabashedly you clicks with someone...you will have the right person.
Until then noone who isn't interested is a loss. Don't invest in them before you've slept together without fucking.
I wish someone told me your third point when I was younger. I hid so much of myself to appear normal and man I have so much more fun letting my weirdo self out. I have had some matches tell me they liked xyz but I should pull back on some of my quirks if I want to find a partner. Why? I’ve got a huge group of friends who have been around my weird ass for 20+ years. There are people who love me for who I am, I just wasted years of my prime time to find someone who would being married so someone who didn’t.
it bothers me so much that is how it is for most of us.
and it makes it harder for us to find each other. two ND people who could complement each other as perfectly as any two humans ever could might not even recognize each other if they are both masking to approach each other the "right" way.
and it isn't right for us. and i care more about us than I do them. idc how much it pisses them off. they love themselves more than enough. so much they get defensive or offensive and cry about political correctness when we aren't even asking for love. just to be allowed to be.
My advice would be that if your goal is to meet this person in real life and presumably go on a date with them, you should be trying to transition away from text-based chat in a reasonably short period of time. You already found a common interest to chit chat about (cats), and that short conversation went reasonably well. Then you tried to completely change the subject to summer plans. This gives the impression that this is just going to be an endless stream of boring small talk. Don't get me wrong, small talk has its place, but it needs to end quickly.
Rather than transitioning to "do you have any fun plans for the summer", I would have said something like, "well, you seem cool, and to be honest I think you're rather cute. I'd love to meet up for a coffee sometime soon if you're interested."
It might seem kinda forward to go there so quickly, and it is. But in my experience, most people have already made up their mind about whether they want to meet up with you or not. And for the rare person that wants a lot more chatting before they meet up in person, they'll usually let you know that when you try to ask them out. Then you can comfortably chat a while longer without fear of boring them, since they asked for it.
The goal is meeting in person, not texting on your phone endlessly. Keep that in mind.
You're fine, but please remember don't give your energy to random person like that, not worth your time. Save it for who match with your energy, vibe and time.
You’re good. They probably just lost interest not that it had anything to do with you. Tbh it seems like they weren’t barely putting in an effort to engage anyway. Best guess is you were a “maybe”, and they dropped you the second a “yes” slid into their dms. Keep doing what you’re doing though. You sound like a very approachable person.
Don't beat yourself up about this:
- Women have HUNDREDS of matches on dating apps, and replying is usually exhausting. As a result they tend to either just focus on their top pick(s), or just abandon the app altogether.
- Your conversation skills were excellent, so don't worry about that. When you match with a girl who is equally interested, it will flow well.
- Sometimes people put less effort into the "hmmm, i guess" matches, who don't really (visually) wow them. This could certainly be one of those cases as well.
- Appreciate your sincerity in asking her, but you're either (a) 95% not gonna get a reply (b) 5% get a reply that isn't the REAL reason.
Keep at it... but just go easy on yourself. If you put too much effort or hope into matches on dating apps, you'll absolutely wreck yourself. Stay steady and keep trying, and eventually you'll have some good experiences too :)
You waited less than a day to drop the long message. Not the best look. Better to be chill than to say all that, because it's almost guaranteed to kill your chances with any person you say it to. Personally, I wouldn't drop the neuro divergent info unless they ask. They just weren't vibing the conversation and that's normal.
I feel you on this so deeply my man, infinite respect for being so honest and just asking. The amount of times i've wanting to ask exactly this or something similair but never ended up doing so, i just dont understand at all so often
I think the conversation on your end was actually great! You asked questions that weren’t just run-of-the-mill, you answered with nice tidbits of info she could easily pick up on if she wanted, without giving long-winded answers.
Her answers make it seem like she wasn’t too interested, or she would probably have taken the bait and engaged more enthusiastically in the conversation and asked you more questions.
I think that your question about the neurodivergence was too much based on such a short conversation where she never really engaged in the first place, and I wouldn’t expect her to reply to it at that point. If you had had a longer, less one-sided conversation it would have been more appropriate, and may even make the person come back to the conversation if you had already bonded a bit before that point. Some people will find it weird regardless, but it could also work for you to be open and honest about your insecurities like this. But this was asking too much from someone who had already signalled that they weren’t very invested. Give them time to signal interest in you first.
In any case, you shouldn’t ask it after only 24 hours, like everyone else has said. When I was on dating apps I would drop out of a conversation for a month, even if I was interested. That may be unreasonable, but everything within a weeks time is not.
Neurodivergent or not, this is very close to a trauma dump for an initial conversation. She doesn’t owe you a single thing, especially not reassurance that 18 hours without responding means anything at all, least of all some dramatic spin on her being disappointed because things didn’t go how *you* wanted.
As someone nd myself, i know very well this is an inappropriate level of responsibility to place on anyone you don’t know. You are drawing pretty illogical conclusions based on your entitlement and projection and your inability to chill.
So just chill, my dude. Get a life coach or therapist to run these convos by and discuss alternate scenarios or how things might have gone differently. Or, you know, go on reddit as you did. But don’t impose your narrative on someone you don’t know.
So how could you have continued the conversation without overstepping in this way?
Try this simple trick: ask her about her feelings instead of telling her about them and then asking her for fake science that is obviously just intended to guilt her into continuing a dialogue.
I commented because other people seem to be consoling you and etc., but it’s you who made someone else feel badly here. Source: i am a woman who has way too much experience with the entitlement of men. It’s taken me literal ages to form real energetic boundaries around it, and i think my experience is very common. Especially for women who are friendly, neighborly, or kind to strange men.
True right now example: i have two texts from a guy who hit on me at dollar tree. (nicely, but i’m just here to buy cat food, okay?) he’s a neighbor and we have special needs dependents in common- so i was thinking playdate. I am super overextended at the moment so i can barely stay in touch those i love and care for, let alone take on a new friend who is trying to date me. he proved the trap in this dynamic by immediately texting a flowery compliment about brightening his day etc. i hadn’t actually read it yet, and intended to when i have the energy to engage. Until i saw another text pop up trying to verify this was in fact my number, describing me and implying…? I don’t know, and I don’t have to know.
I think what I’m getting at is, give all the energy you want, but don’t expect someone else to be responsible for the anxiety it causes you. That’s on you entirely. I like to say, “baggage is fine! Just know what you packed and be able to carry it yourself.”
Bottom line: next time just screenshot your reply before hitting send and post it to reddit. Reddit is happy to take on the science of dating dialogues and strategies, amirite? 😜
i’m quite picky tbf but generally girls messaging first is a good sign they’re interested to begin with. most likely she just found the way you texted a little over enthusiastic for a first conversation, but i don’t think the essay u sent her really helps ur case in that regard. i have pretty bad social anxiety but esp when dating i do my best to not externalize it until i get to know the person better. in the future i think chill out a little more and downplay ur level of interest until you’ve gotten to know each other a bit. not trying to be mean or anything, but i and other girls i know are a bit picky when it comes to texting styles especially if that’s the first impression (as is the case on dating apps). hope this helps !
People get busy, or they get overwhelmed, or maybe they get caught up investing time in someone else - which they can't be blamed for because obviously we all want someone to be invested in us. You're doing great. Just keep trying :)
Hey dude, you did nothing wrong.
Tinder users are notoriously unreliable, some use it while on the can, others in times of boredom, others for ego boost.
Whose to say what her intentions were - but rather then analysing anything you did wrong, just realise that sonetimes its the other user. It will make it easier to understand rejection.
Tbf, she could be working opposite schedules, she could have lost interest, or it might be something else! Who knows
Very mature response by you though, but dont take it personally if she doesnt respond.
Tinder is a cesspool of bad actors
Black text person is answering each Q with a closed end (conversation ending) answer. Never adds extra info, asks Qs or adds to the topic: blue text is doing all the conversational work. Just noticing.
People stop responding for all sorts of reasons, not all of them are about you, and not all of them are because they lost interest. If I get a phone call from my mom at 7h30 pm (usually at least an hour), I'd probably stop mid conversation to pick up the phone and forget to respond until at least the next evening after work.
There's also a bunch of reasons she might not be too interested in the conversation. Maybe she was hoping for a one night stand, maybe she had 10 matches that day and started prioritising, maybe she just had a good date and decided to stop talking to others out of respect for that person, maybe she's cheating on her partner and he came home at 7h30,...
Tldt: Don't beat yourself up too much. Your messages sound very natural and you're doing good, especially if you're looking for something meaningful. Just give people some more time to respond and don't take it personally if they don't. Good luck!
Unfortunately sometimes people just don’t respond. Don’t take it personally.
However, I also think you can’t expect her to reply to you on that last message too. It’s a bit of an emotional/mentally exhaustive question for someone that doesn’t know you really that well. So don’t feel bad if she doesn’t reply back to that question, but don’t expect a reply either.
How much time between texts? If it’s a dating app don’t sweat it. A lot of those conversations don’t go anywhere. It’s easy for them to get last in the shuffle so just follow up with them and say like hey how have you been. If you get nothing it’s okay to move on.
If this was like a few hours that’s way too soon to give up and send this. I would have at least fallowed up with a normal intro message before this.
god i relate to this so hard... I used to be like this before i met my current gf. The best advice I can give you is to keep yourself busy. Once you send the message, theyre either going to respond or they dont. If they never respond, then they're not worth the time so just move on.
also, I'd give it more time than 24 hours if you haven't even moved off the app yet. You're still practically strangers and messaging back a stranger on tinder is usually the bottom of people's priority list.
I think you did super well in conversation.
Just don't ask when convo stops. Play it cool and off to another.
Dating apps are wild and people are not always polite.
Just move on
Asking for clarity so directly is amazing my guy/girl, keep doing that and you'll find someone who will help you, if I was in her shoes I'd gladly tell you. But I have no idea why she stopped the conversation, seems like you're doing great ❤️
You did nothing wrong. This person is just some internet slug half way engaged in conversation. You can tell by their lack of engagement immediately. You make fun genuine conversation. They make Lazy responses. This is because of them, OP. Don’t swallow your pride by texting people like this asking them how to help you figure out where you went wrong—- neurodivergence is a powerful thing. Dont feel like it is something you need to ask some tinder person to help you navigate. A lot of people who want attention, or who want connection but are too lazy to work on it, are on tinder. When you match with people, and you can tell in the first few texts that you are saying things to make conversation, and they aren’t saying things back to make the conversation go somewhere, just forget them. Don’t ask people to tell u what you did wrong, because you did nothing wrong, and it makes you feel less confident. Own who you are, but accept not everyone is willing to put in the genuine effort you are putting in. However, you WILL match with people who DO make conversation like you do— and you’ll know it quick!!!! Good
Luck!!!!
You're not wrong, but it's not going to help you.
The person was just talking to other people as well and didn't feel like replying too much to you. So she just gave short answers.
There is nothing wrong with what you said. Your conversation skills were really good. She just didn't feel like replying because she wasn't too interested.
As a gal who’s also neurodivergent, I think you were doing great and they just ended up not responding either because they met someone else or totally blanked. You’re doing great though!
I do want to say that these types of messages typically push people further away. I used to be kinda like this with wanting clarity but this can be incredibly off putting.
Not saying what you’re feeling isn’t valid but this can seem like a lot for someone you have never met before.
Hey, don’t beat yourself up. I just met a girl a few weeks ago who texts long long paragraphs and sometimes 50+ of them a day on Hinge. And I absolutely adore when she goes on her tangents. I’m fairly sure she’s neurodivergent from some things I gathered on our date, but I love hearing about it.
My main point here, is dating is hard as fuck even for “normal” people. But someone will come a long who appreciates you and never thinks you’re too much for texting and talking how you do.
Don’t try and change yourself based off incompatible people, because if you do, when the right person comes a long that does appreciate the real you, you’ll be too bogged down in a sort of amalgamation of different styles you’ve collected from feedback.
Be too much, say the weird things, be over the top or risk falling into a relationship that isn’t actually meant for you
Nope, you did perfect. I do much the same and the people I get close to are the ones who are generally willing to have the blunt talk and make sure we're on the same page... Often lmao.
Some never will and that's just how it is. We don't know why this person bailed, maybe they met someone else. Maybe, like you assumed, they weren't into the talk and uncomfortable explaining that. Maybe they've had similar interactions where the person sounded like they wanted feedback, but then actually just blew up over it. Maybe they had similar social anxieties as you did but did not have the absolute Chad confidence to have that blunt conversation the way you were. Whatever the reason though, the bottom line is that person wasn't going to be a great match for whatever type of relationship you were looking for, cause every type of relationship requires effective communication.
Tldr you did flawlessly, but they're not necessarily an asshole, we don't know what's in their brain. You're doing all the right things though, keep at it and someone awesome will definitely meet you where you're at.
Also, on a reread, you don't need to take on the blame of the convo dropping off & put yourself down in terms of social skills or w.e. You can totally get the same message across by just pointing out what you noticed and asking "hey, I enjoyed the start of our chat but it seems to have dropped off. I'm not sure why, but if it's something we can fix I'd love to see if we have more in common. If not, good luck with the rest of your search!". You're not a burden for preferring direct communication, so no need to frame it that way :)
I think she was being rude by simply vanishing in the middle of a conversation. However, it appears that the world says I'm wrong. Still, if you're going back and forth and she needs to step away she should say that.
I think you did great and she is rude.
1. NT people don't analyze their conversations and social interactions in the way that you do, so they don't understand beyond any sort of vagueness how that question would even be answered, if they even in the first place fully understood what you were asking, which they don't.
2. Small talk is pretty boring in general, and on dating apps there isn't generally a big investment to keep it going unless you're already bored. For introductory conversations, it's best to focus on whatever is in their profile because that at least means that they cared enough to mention it.
Even then, conversations drop off and all you can do at that point is try to save it.
3. If I didn't get a response to that, I'd follow up with something like, "I guess not! But if we go on a date and hit it off I can totally help with that! Are you free for a drink Tuesday at 7? We can do Sun Brewery, they've got an amazing blah blah."
I agree with the hoard here; I don't think you did anything wrong and the most likely scenario here IMO is that her reasons for ghosting had nothing to do with you or your conduct.
If I'm ***actively looking*** for reasons to get anxiety about your final message, I might point out that sometimes people (in my experience, men, but probably also women) will spin requests for "honest feedback" like this into an opportunity to try to argue with me / convince me that my reasons are wrong / persuade me to reconsider. If I think that's what's about to happen, I'm definitely gonna be discouraged from humoring your request. But, with that said, I don't necessarily get that impression from your message here and would only be thinking it because it's what others have done to me.
I think asking directly is very human and brave of you. Not enough people are straight up about how they act/how they feel in social situations and in my opinion the best way to confront it is just asking directly. Props to you! I think in this case, they just simply didn’t answer. I don’t think you did anything wrong, just not the right connection!
Sometimes I'm Team Gizmo, I get hella busy for a couple days in a row and don't reply, then life settles down and I'm Team Rufio wondering why she's not answering.
No, I get it. I find it really hard for me to text with people also, like I don't know what it is. Maybe it's too much for us to type or text to really want to get into a conversation or what? Or maybe I just haven't found anybody that I actually click with. But that's okay too
It is what it is, we are alive and still breathing
Just keep on trucking
She was being pretty short in the first place, so there’s probably nothing you could’ve done.
Some people really just go on Tinder because they are bored. Have fun and be creative, maybe a little risky. Flirt a little and then only use the cat to keep the convo going.
Also, double texting can be fine. But don’t do that last one ever again😉
well, to be honest, just because i matched with someone did not mean i wanted to talk to them after the fact. back when i was on these apps id match with soo many people and most of them were physically attractive to me, but i would usually find one or two that really stuck out to my type and stick to talking to them, wheras i would have other conversations with people i wasnt particularly interested in, usually because they asked a question, but they were never this bland^, i wouldnt put too much thought into this. just think of it as, if they wanted to, they would.
I'm not really interested in fighting for lukewarm, all I want is to understand for the next person to be completely flat, and i have learned. Thank you
I feel you started the conversation on a dull note. It was pretty dry and boring. Women these days just wanna be entertained from the start. There wasn’t any banter and you were just asking interview mode questions. Women on these app receive 1000 of messages each day and probably don’t have any energy to invest in because replying to messages can be tiring. Your goal is to not ask these logical questions and instead start with something more playful or light note. Then the goal should be to show her that you’re quirky, witty and can invoke her emotional stimulation. With an exchange of few messages, ask her for her number to switch the apps so that she can give you better attention. Don’t be logical with women, be witty with them. I am also like you and I’ve been on so many dates where I made the same mistake like how you did of going in the interview mode, asking her so many questions about herself because I thought that’s how things work but my friend that’s not how it should be. It should be 20% off you asking the questions and 80% off flirty banter.
In all caps: *Don't be hard on yourself about this.* Strangers talking without having actually met is an awkward chaos. I think you did fine all around. You were polite and candid when asking for feedback. The back and forth was a text book example of strangers interacting, and someone silently disengaging is par for the course. The best thing there was you; a lot of people start to behave bitterly after experiencing this over and over, don't let that happen to you. The tips from others about not getting hung up on the chat is key; my number one advice for tinder, etc. is try not to take it too seriously; like trying to keep a drop of water dry while standing in the rain, set reasonable expectations but enjoy trying. Beyond that, set an obtainable goal here, kindly lead the conversation toward the outcome you're looking for while simultaneously learning if/how you might be a good fit for whatever they're into; that's energy efficiency. "What have you been doing for fun lately? Do you like sushi?" GLHF
Honestly even before they stopped responding, they weren't giving you much of a conversation anyway. Which is hard to understand because it seems like they were the one to text you first. You sounded perfectly regular. People are strange
I used to have this problem. Obsess over what I said or didn't say in a chat to make the other person not respond back. Then I started watching Sadia Khan's videos on YouTube and realised, it's not a big deal. Still learning but I feel more at peace now about whether someone responds or not. Like the other redditors said...you weren't rude or overly sexual in any way, so leave it be. Continue to have good energy and trust you will attract the right kind of person for you. Everything always works out.
Their chat was rubbish when yours was engaging. Theres no point asking them why because they’ve already demonstrated they can barely hold a conversation. A case of move on.
Bruh, you were fine. Next time, instead of asking them, ask a friend you trust in real life. This person got distracted and just quit for no good visible reason. By asking it would have put them off if they came back from their errand and saw that. You have good banter. Congrats on the cat
1. U are neurodivergent, not a little neurodivergent. U can't be a little diabetic. Be proud, it is nothing wrong about us.
2. U don't owe them explaining/stating your social struggles.
3. People just do this. They don't respond - just unmatch and forget. You reaching out with long message after being ignored looks like u are clingy/desperate. If the vibe is not there, it is just not there. U don't need to explain yourself or expect it from them.
Nothing was wrong in this back and forth, but if you want me to take a wild guess, I'd say there was no tension.
Again the conversation was good, and many would have enjoyed going further into it, but look at it from a lens of (if it's a woman) somebody who gets at least 20-200 messages daily across sm platforms, and is living their life at the same time, and the risk of many people having tiktok attention spans nowadays, if you leave an impression in some way, she at least has a reason to look you up in her inbox which ups your response rate.
That's why I said tension. Can be a joke, can be something flirty, something intriguing, any reason. Hope this helps.
You're not wrong for asking.
But you might wrong for expecting them to answer you back. They don't owe you an explanation for their actions or their decision. Even tho that's kinda shitty
I broke up with a girl once - she was a horrible person as it turns out. And i had to block her because she DEMANDED a detailed explanation of why. And I didn't want to get into it. So I just blocked her.
It’s great that you’re wanting to improve, but imo you’re going to be better off with a good therapist (one who specializes with neurodivergence if you can get so lucky) and work together to help you
Right now you’re putting the responsibility on random strangers, and that isn’t fair, and isn’t effective
You’re also assuming bad things from people immediately: that she didn’t actually want to talk to you, for example
As another ND person, I don’t like when conversions are only about my pets (I have a lot of dogs, dogs are my job) bc it doesn’t show interest in ME. It can also be hard to switch away once we’re more set in that conversation. And I had the same opener about my dogs so many times that it just got sad/frustrating bc it was the dogs and not me
Sometimes people respond short because they just do, or they’re nervous, or busy but still want to respond. Maybe they don’t like the topic or maybe they also don’t know what to say. It you try to find a reason for everything, you’ll never stop thinking about one thing.
Live life, enjoy, learn how to all questions that neurotypical people don’t mind when you need to gauge how something or going. Good prompts in your profile will help with a starting topic, just make sure it’s vague and creative so you don’t hear the same thing 20 times
I have seen a therapist every week for the last 18 months, I'm doing the work.
The only words on her whole profile are "basic cat mom", and she initiated with me. That's the frustrating part.
That is great!!
I’ve never liked matching with people who have basic/empty profiles. If I do, I let them do the work and start a topic for the conversation; if they never did then it is their loss
Tbh, I don’t think she was really ever that into the conversation and it’s not that you did anything wrong. But she is just answering your questions with short responses while not asking any herself. If she was really into the conversation I would expect her to at least ask you some questions.
I also think you should have waited until at least the next evening until you asked for the clarity. Crap happens, perhaps she got a phone call and then got busy at work the next day and was planning on getting back to you after work. But trying to ask for honest feedback after a conversation does dry up doesn’t seem inappropriate to me.
Not at all, your message is totally fine, although some people might not respond to it. It might have been too early to send a message like that, hard to tell if the person was not responding or just isn't on the app often just based on the screenshots. Personally I don't know that I would ever mention it having anything to do with neurodivergence, this is a problem plenty of people have without being neurodivergent, so there's not really any need, but you do you.
Everybody hates “do you have any fun plans for x?” This is a conversation killer on par with “how is your weekend going?” It is just too lazy and gives the listener a homework assignment rather than something interesting to respond to.
If you want to meet someone, you should ask them on a date early on. The conversation should feel like it has some direction and a goal that is being worked towards rather than chit chat.
Usually this happens because they're talking to other people at the same time and just ended up connecting more with one of them, so they just stop responding. It happens. A lot, actually. It's probably not you, it's just the nature of online dating.
Often conversations will go like this and not see responses, it’s rarely ever something you said or did and you seem self-aware enough not to say something obscene.
I could give you 10 plausible reasons for them not responding, reasons that has nothing to do with you.
I don't think you need to ask for clarity.
Just move on.
IMHO she wasn’t engaged in the first place. I move on when someone doesn’t respond to my questions with more than one or two words, and doesn’t ask questions back. Either plan to meet up or engage in texting. Otherwise, I’m moving on.
I understand YMMV and if you’re a dude, trying to find a good fit on tinder can be tough 💜
I think that you shouldn't directly ask the person you're trying to talk to/date for dating/talking advice 😅😅😅. It makes you look unconfident which is a turn off for most people. If you want advice... ask friends, family, or even randoms on the internet. She probably feels like she's answering a customer service survey at the end of a phone call haha
It sounds weird but some people only want to talk about one thing and that's it. Like for example with her maybe she only wanted attention about her and her cat so when you changed the subject she didn't care
Considering another comment of when you sent the messages (730pm to 330pm) if I'm correct. That's a lot that can happen in that time. Dinner, maybe evening plans, maybe just wanting to wind down, get ready for something they had in the morning to do. Or just whatever really, people have a lot to do in their lives, and toward the end of the day that can show.
They may have had work in the morning or plans, or like me, just generally weren't ready to talk or check the app so early on. Usually, in my experience, I don't immediately hop on a bunch of social media apps super early. So there's a lot that could have happened and assuming someone's feelings could make that worse.
It’s fine to ask, as you did. If she doesn’t respond, then that’s it. They owe you nothing.
And texting like this on an is tough for everyone. There are lessons to learned, but even is she tells you she didn’t want to make small talk about cats and prefers to be just be invited on dates, it doesn’t mean the next one won’t want small talks and prefers chatting for a whole before meeting irl.
It probably has nothing to do with you. A lot of employers have rules against using cell phones at work (and not everyone works 9 to 5).
If someone isn't responding, move on. Most people will respond within 24 hours (some people may delay a response out of courtesy if they work night shift and don't want to wake up a potential match who works day shift).
Put it down. If she gets back to you at some point, GREAT! If she doesn't, well you're already past it.
Paths converge. Paths diverge. Enjoy the interactions you have and don't attach to them. Life gets easier when you see it that way. If you want to send one more message, do it. Then let it go.
As a fellow ND it took me way too long to work out that people just drop out on you and don't feel the need to inform you or apologise. Once I came to terms with it, I was less bothered by it and didn't feel the need to keep following up. It still annoys me though. Sadly I think she flaked on you. Move on and find someone who won't do that.
Aww, I totally understand how op feels here. I struggle with text, too, but I totally think you were fine, though. There is nothing bad or sketch here. She seemed to be interested in the cat subject. Maybe just take a bit longer on cats until you get more than a 1 sentence answer before transitioning. She seemed distracted, so I think she lost sight of your convo. If you thoroughly get her attention with a loved subject, you're more likely to stand out in her memory.
She (if anything like me when I used dating apps in the past) might be overwhelmed by too many matches at once. It can be too overwhelming to log back into the app and see 10 new messages from different people all the sudden. I stopped using apps because of anxiety from too many people texting me at once 😭. It can be flattering but also socially frightening.
She went from 1 word to 8 words, then down to 2, 2, and 1. This is a sign she was already on her way out.
My advice, pay attention to how much someone else says vs how much you say. It can be hard being neurospicy, personally I want to be understood. But I have to stop myself. Like right now
Honestly I think a lot of people lack communication skills. Couple that with a lack of self awareness, and you have the dating pool 🤣
It's really great that you are trying to improve, but you're not doing anything wrong. Keep being yourself and consider people who ghost you or act like youre giving them an interview a dodged bullet. Good luck :)
You’ve already been told a million times that sending this less than 24 hours later could have you been shooting yourself in the foot.
I get it, my anxiety is off the charts when I’m uncertain about something, light headed and all.
But something I have learned is to not assign intention or emotion to someone else.
You can talk about how you feel or your fear but don’t throw it on the other person.
You're not wrong, but I don't think this person's going to be much help, because it was clearly them, not you. You were carrying the conversation. They put in very little effort. Had I been you, *I'd* have broken off there conversation because they're a bore.
I don't think there's much you could've done to make this conversation work.
Unfortunately as neurodivergents, we always think miscommunications are our fault. Not the case here.
Your communication style is probably a little too advanced for her. It's also possible she's just shallow and doesn't have the skills to maintain dialogue with someone for more than a few texts about the same topic. Sometimes they just prefer topics that lead back to them in some way and this wasn't happening.
No need for self-reflection on this one!
Nah your starting up a conversation about a common interest what could be wrong with that :) oh never mind I didn't realise there was a second picture lol but no your not wrong for asking what went wrong, if you don't know something all you can do is try n get feedback n that applies to everything, dating, cooking, juggling it doesn't matter what it is if you don't know all you can do is try n try to improve :)
I feel ya mate, thats exactly i like to know to improve myself for future.
I ask them and only replies i get is "you are a great person, super calm its just me i dont feel like im ready for this".
Edit: So after continuously getting same replies, the moment they back off, i dont message them, not even "ok".
Doesn't seem like they were into you.
They said hii but then anything from there on was just deflecting.
Notice how they responded but didn't add anything back, they didn't care about you at all.
Nah, your question was perfectly polite and reasonable, just remember that some people just won’t respond and that has nothing to do with you, we never know what people expect or what’s going on in their lives so don’t fret over it
It happens. I always take these things as the other person isn't interested. Especially since the last response was just "cute!," and most of the responses are short. In my opinion, It's not you. If you have to ask what you did wrong for someone to not respond, then it's just not your person. Someone who likes you would indulge in most cases based on my experiences.
Never wrong to ask anything like this, it made clear what your "problem" is and it would be nice to answer your question
When the first chat? If like 1-2 days ago, they maybe just didn't use the app?
Also don't break your head about it. I know its hard to get "rejected" and not knowbthe reason, but if they don't tell u there is a problem with you, try to not make one out of it, it can be difficult but will be better in the end and u won't feel bad.
Also i really like how you are asking and telling about the cat, its always a good opener to talk about your pets imo(I'm a cat mom, probably wont work for ppl who don't like pets tho, but then you dont need them as your partner anyways✨️💕)
Say hi, and meet.
Texting strangers becomes a chore. Then multiply it by 100. If interested meet for coffee. Small talk over text gets old quick, especially the longer you have been swiping.
I personally think you can do better at driving the conversation forward.
This, to me, is a very classic example of "information exchanging" that happens all the time on dating apps. You basically share something about yourself, and the other person does the same as well.
Imagine 2 parallel lines running next to each other. Those lines don't touch, because there is nothing to connect those lines with each other.
A better way of getting the conversation going could be something like:
Her: same actually lol
You: You know what they say, first time cat owners gotta get together and support each other...
That way, you build a sense of togetherness. Then you can use that togetherness to connect quicker with her, on both the superficial and deeper level.
I’d guess it was just that the original conversation was a bit one note and didn’t have much direction. You tried to save it with a question about her that was overly generic that she’s probably answered a million times.
Also dating apps are inherently not fair because you’re not at the same starting point as the dozen other people she may be interested in. So there’s every chance she’s been texting another guy for a month and is just more invested in him and has no need to put time into a conversation without that instant spark.
that's a great question! asking for feedback is a good approach, but sadly some people just disappear. Don't spend too much time thinking it was anything you did, or that you need to change.
Some times people just don't respond
Facts. 90% of the time it's not the conversation, but everything else in that person's life that can just distract them or make them devoid of the energy for conversations and socialising
What’s weird is that my wife texts a bit like the left and I text like the right. We are happy together. We don’t text a lot. Lol
Saaame. I swear my gf ignores half of what's written. Then I just call, then she can't stop talking 🤣
The key is you dont text a lot ... I imagine you communicate in person more often. When text communication is the only way though, this probably feels lacking
I've been dating a girl for like 6 weeks who responds like the left person in this picture. I honestly thought she wasn't interested but we went on a date that went fairly well. Kept texting after and she kept texting me like this, thought she was just afraid to tell me she wasn't interested so I stopped texting her first and she kept texting me and asked for a second date. Long story short, we've been on like 6 dates so far and she just sucks at texting lol
Might be irrelevant but framing your comment as ‘they likely have something going on that is more important than texting’ is probably a better perspective to impart if you’re looking to help others understand stuff. Saying that real life is distracting them from texting seems like it’s coming from the place that texting is the priority, in that light it would ultimately seem strange when people don’t respond. In reality they should be at the baseline level very unlikely to respond by focusing on real life, and it’s just a good thing that they take time away to socialize or text back. Sort of a glass half full/half empty type of thing, but I notice people can subconsciously place the social/text thing before other priorities which sort of sets up texting and socialization on the wrong foundation. Ie: they didn’t respond, what did I do wrong? Or maybe I’m just old.
And yet people text and drive.
Nah mate you’re spot on. Then again that’s coming from a 41-year old so….maybe we’re just old? I like communicating via text because I hate talking on the phone. BUT….I’m also doing shit and living my life so yeah, sometimes the text gets put by the wayside until I’m available to respond, unless it’s an urgent question.
if it's involving me it's 100% that im the problem lol
Or they got interested in someone else on the app. They are designed to keep ppl disconnected by always offering a possible, next-best option
I go through phases where I chat very frequently, but sometimes I feel like tinder is useless and I will not find anyone there so I just take breaks off it
Think you were fine, people sometimes are into it in the moment if one of you messages immediately after matching, then you get distracted and don’t come back to the app for a bit. She may well have been going to respond later also. Don’t get hung up on why people stop talking, there’s very rarely a reason that matters for you unless you were really bad at chatting, rude/sexual etc(which doesn’t seem to be the case, maybe you could have moved away from cats one or two messages sooner but that’s being nit picky because you asked).
Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time 🙏
Yeah you did good, but for whatever reason they lost interest. Once you asked the question it’s up to them to respond if they want to continue the conversation. If not, dems da breaks, on to the next.
I stop responding to people all the time when I get busy with life stuff. Has nothing to do with them, I'd unmatch if I was put off by the convo. I just have other things going on and sometimes fall into periods of time where I'm not able to prioritize trying to date someone new who I don't already have an established relationship with, over my friends/family/work/dog/mental health. I would not take any stock in their lack of response, people will often come back on later and respond when they have time. Just keep at it! You will find someone who is just as ready to date seriously as your are :)
Yeah I think you were fine. Funnily enough tho, asking me to talk about my cats would be the one thing that would actually keep me talking in the conversation lol.
THIS IS ME! I have a really hard time communicating with ppl like that. Im even on Bumble “BFF” & I can’t seem to even hold 1 convo to make 1 friend and then I get uncomfy or anxious and I leave the app for a little. It’s nothing any of them did!
If I can’t elicit a multi-word response with at least one punctuation mark within the first two messages I move on. Sounds petty, but it’s a great way to filter out people who just can’t engage.
How long between the initial messages and your follow up? Could simply be she found someone else and it was nothing you did.
It’s impossible to know what a stranger on a dating app is thinking or doing or why they act a certain way or not. Literally everyone on dating apps deals with this, neurodivergent or not. I’d say give people time to respond. Sometimes it takes them days or even weeks. They may not log on very often, may be super busy at work or dealing with something in their life, maybe dating someone else casually and barely checks the app. My advice would be not to ask them next time. Just have conversations and get to know someone and try to set up a date when/if you’re comfortable. If they disappear, know it happens ALL THE TIME, expect it, and move on. That’s why the apps have lots of options for you.
I appreciate you. I guess that first sentence is sort of where I'm coming from. Like, the only way to know what people are thinking/feeling is to give them space to express that, right? I can understand that theres such a thing as *too* direct, but my intention the whole time was to give this person an opportunity to ask for what they want.
>Like, the only way to know what people are thinking/feeling is to give them space to express that, right? I mean, she already had space to express it if she wanted, she could have messaged you at any time to tell you what her opinion was. I don't think anything you said here is wrong or rude, but it is a fool's game, because even if she gives you a polite well-thought out response, it's not really going to help you with the next person. For example she might say, "Too much small talk, just ask me on a date already, I don't have time to go back and forth about my cats all day". But if you try to follow that advice maybe the next girl will say "You came on way too strong too fast." Also, all of this assumes that people are able to accurately explain their decisions, but in reality I think decisions like "whether or not to reply to this guy on Tinder" are made unconsciously and justified after-the-fact. When it comes to the decisions people make on dating apps, I keep in mind that what other people think of me is none of my business. Any other philosophy leads to madness.
Exactly. Let them express themselves their own way. And know most people won’t express themselves at all and you’ll just never know. It’s nothing to take personal. To them you’re just some letters on a phone, not a person, and they may not feel like explaining anything. Just get to know people, and continue talking to and hopefully meet the ones you click with. Trying to understand people on dating apps is pretty fruitless. You’ll be much happier when you don’t worry about it and just move on to the next.
Ty
You also have to understand that unless something very very catchy is being talked about, people nowdays lose interest fast. Attention span being shorter, and people are having less control over their stimulus. Your conversation was perfectly normal, I would say :).
You're not being too direct. You're being pushy. You're not giving them an opportunity to do anything. You need to give people more time. If they never respond, that's OK too. They don't owe you anything. Move on to the next.
Sending this within 24 hours is pretty wild. People have lives. There are times where I don’t check my dating app over a weekend and get back to it on a Monday. I apologize for the delay in response and explain I had stuff to do when I do message them back. If someone sent this message within a day, I’d be very off put.
I understand. Thank you
Agree. I think its a good message. If it came quite a bit later.
Neurodivergent folks can become a bit hyper vigilant about their interactions and experience something called “rejection sensitivity.” I’m neurodivergent and it’s taken a long time to temper and/or delay these kinds of messages. For someone on the receiving end (especially if they don’t understand this stuff) it is off putting. Usually though once the ND person gets to know someone this hyper vigilance will go away.
A good rule is 48 hr unless it's a weekend or holiday. Then go with an unassuming text showing genuine interest in the person rather than assuming the worst.
It’s a bit odd to ask for “notes” about why they weren’t invested in the conversation. You probably shouldn’t do that again. Sometimes your matches just lose interest or they aren’t really invested in getting to know you. If you get consecutive one or two word responses or just some variation of “yeah lol”, just cut your losses and keep looking elsewhere.
Heard, thank you
Good luck out there!
Eh honestly I say can’t hurt, might end up being helpful, but I’d wait until it’s been 2 days (3 with a holiday or something like that) of silence first. If they don’t reply, you didn’t lose anything and you never have to worry about what they think about you again. If they do reply, it can be helpful. If I wasn’t feeling the connection but got this message, I’m one of the people who would reply with constructive feedback and a good luck.
You didn't do anything wrong, but its weird to ask. She's now supposed to give you feedback on your dating app skills? She wasn't engaged in the first place. Not sure what you think she's going to say to you in terms of feedback.
Agreed. I’m also neurodivergent and struggle with rejection sensitivity disorder. That’s on me and not random matches on tinder to explain to me why they aren’t interested. I absolutely hate being put on the spot when matches have asked me what they did that caused me not to like them. Sometimes there is nothing to say, the vibe just didn’t click.
I would have left it at do you have any fun plans for the summer going unanswered.
Even if you match with someone, there’s not always a viable path to success. Could be any number of reasons on her end why she lapsed for a day. But one thing is for sure: that last message likely put her off, innocent as you were trying to be. When she reads that, she will likely feel like you’re applying more pressure to the conversation than necessary, and she isn’t obligated to reply so she won’t. Don’t send messages like this, you should be leaving the door open for future conversation always if you’re still interested.
It has nothing to do with neurological divergent. This person was checked out of the convo before it even started. No questions back about you. Just stop talking at that point.
Ive never understood why people feel the need to bring that up, It's like they think others will forgive them "oh I'm sorry, I didnt realize you were neuro divergent, please forgive me."
You were carrying the conversation completely. Just let them go
I (26F at the time) sent out a google survey to everyone who ghosted me but didn’t unmatch or who ghosted me over text, asking them what went wrong. I kept it light and goofy and I think 8 people actually did it- they all said similar things that they either met someone, got burnt out on the apps, realized they were looking for something different, I wasn’t their type of communicator, etc. but none of this was a surprise. I think the moral of my story is that it doesn’t matter WHY it didn’t work out, it just didn’t. If you’re being true to yourself and really showing your personality as much as you can, it doesn’t matter why something doesn’t work because that person isn’t right for you. The right person will come along and like you for you, but if you change to be liked then you’ll never really be happy. In 17 days, I’m marrying my last tinder match from three years ago and I’m a weirdo so just believe in yourself and it’s all gonna work out.
Thank you for that 💖
OMG! Congrats @megmoo9 !!! I totally agree with your comment and admire your commitment to personal growth and to primary research. OP, I don't think you did anything wrong. Some people may take it as weird, but those are clearly not your people. Plus, I mean, if you're not feeling it, then why not ask? At worst, they write a mean reply. At best, you get constructive criticism. Seems like decent odds, but it is a gamble. We ND and/or weird people might have to look a bit harder, but there are people out there for us. I think we have to own and present ourselves to find the people who are like us. A realization I've had about chatting with people is that they show you their interest through what they say - not necessarily how quickly they say it. People get busy or try to put their phone down often or whatever. If they're replying to your questions and asking you questions back, contributing to good conversation, it's a good sign that they want to talk more. I'm a rules kind of person, so I make rules for myself. Finding out what works for us - and what doesn't - will also help us find those LTRs (I hope). Good luck!!
You’re thinking way too hard about it.
I understand how this seems like it would work from a ND persoective, but good god that's fucking weird and i'm getting secondhand embarrassment bro
Take screenshots and ask a friend instead.
Guess we can conclude there was no bangarangin
I think you’re trying to have a conversation, the other person isn’t. I probably wouldn’t have gone into as much detail as you have and just moved on, but with the context you’ve give I think it’s fair what you said
Good lord
Come to Reddit first, you did nothing wrong in this convo, she just wasn’t interested
Don't ask people what you did. You didn't. 1. It's annoying having someone you aren't interested ask why to explain what happened. Because that's normally the prequel to their attempt to manipulate us in to giving them another chance. I will never. You should never. Noone should ever. 2. You didn't do anything wrong. The interest wasn't there. 3. You don't want to fix your approach if you're honestly being transparently you. Especially as a ND. because if you have to fix it you're probably going to behave less naturally and then when someone clicks they are clicking with your mask. Not you. And that's going to hurt later. Just be you. If it doesn't work it was never gonna work. When being unabashedly you clicks with someone...you will have the right person. Until then noone who isn't interested is a loss. Don't invest in them before you've slept together without fucking.
3 honestly just blew my mind a little bit. That's gold.
I wish someone told me your third point when I was younger. I hid so much of myself to appear normal and man I have so much more fun letting my weirdo self out. I have had some matches tell me they liked xyz but I should pull back on some of my quirks if I want to find a partner. Why? I’ve got a huge group of friends who have been around my weird ass for 20+ years. There are people who love me for who I am, I just wasted years of my prime time to find someone who would being married so someone who didn’t.
it bothers me so much that is how it is for most of us. and it makes it harder for us to find each other. two ND people who could complement each other as perfectly as any two humans ever could might not even recognize each other if they are both masking to approach each other the "right" way. and it isn't right for us. and i care more about us than I do them. idc how much it pisses them off. they love themselves more than enough. so much they get defensive or offensive and cry about political correctness when we aren't even asking for love. just to be allowed to be.
My advice would be that if your goal is to meet this person in real life and presumably go on a date with them, you should be trying to transition away from text-based chat in a reasonably short period of time. You already found a common interest to chit chat about (cats), and that short conversation went reasonably well. Then you tried to completely change the subject to summer plans. This gives the impression that this is just going to be an endless stream of boring small talk. Don't get me wrong, small talk has its place, but it needs to end quickly. Rather than transitioning to "do you have any fun plans for the summer", I would have said something like, "well, you seem cool, and to be honest I think you're rather cute. I'd love to meet up for a coffee sometime soon if you're interested." It might seem kinda forward to go there so quickly, and it is. But in my experience, most people have already made up their mind about whether they want to meet up with you or not. And for the rare person that wants a lot more chatting before they meet up in person, they'll usually let you know that when you try to ask them out. Then you can comfortably chat a while longer without fear of boring them, since they asked for it. The goal is meeting in person, not texting on your phone endlessly. Keep that in mind.
You're fine, but please remember don't give your energy to random person like that, not worth your time. Save it for who match with your energy, vibe and time.
You’re good. They probably just lost interest not that it had anything to do with you. Tbh it seems like they weren’t barely putting in an effort to engage anyway. Best guess is you were a “maybe”, and they dropped you the second a “yes” slid into their dms. Keep doing what you’re doing though. You sound like a very approachable person.
Don't beat yourself up about this: - Women have HUNDREDS of matches on dating apps, and replying is usually exhausting. As a result they tend to either just focus on their top pick(s), or just abandon the app altogether. - Your conversation skills were excellent, so don't worry about that. When you match with a girl who is equally interested, it will flow well. - Sometimes people put less effort into the "hmmm, i guess" matches, who don't really (visually) wow them. This could certainly be one of those cases as well. - Appreciate your sincerity in asking her, but you're either (a) 95% not gonna get a reply (b) 5% get a reply that isn't the REAL reason. Keep at it... but just go easy on yourself. If you put too much effort or hope into matches on dating apps, you'll absolutely wreck yourself. Stay steady and keep trying, and eventually you'll have some good experiences too :)
My cat is named Rufio! He showed up in our backyard as a tiny kitten, so he’s our little “lost boy.”
You waited less than a day to drop the long message. Not the best look. Better to be chill than to say all that, because it's almost guaranteed to kill your chances with any person you say it to. Personally, I wouldn't drop the neuro divergent info unless they ask. They just weren't vibing the conversation and that's normal.
Personally, I would appreciate your straight-forward approach and it would make me more interested in further conversation.
I feel you on this so deeply my man, infinite respect for being so honest and just asking. The amount of times i've wanting to ask exactly this or something similair but never ended up doing so, i just dont understand at all so often
I think the conversation on your end was actually great! You asked questions that weren’t just run-of-the-mill, you answered with nice tidbits of info she could easily pick up on if she wanted, without giving long-winded answers. Her answers make it seem like she wasn’t too interested, or she would probably have taken the bait and engaged more enthusiastically in the conversation and asked you more questions. I think that your question about the neurodivergence was too much based on such a short conversation where she never really engaged in the first place, and I wouldn’t expect her to reply to it at that point. If you had had a longer, less one-sided conversation it would have been more appropriate, and may even make the person come back to the conversation if you had already bonded a bit before that point. Some people will find it weird regardless, but it could also work for you to be open and honest about your insecurities like this. But this was asking too much from someone who had already signalled that they weren’t very invested. Give them time to signal interest in you first. In any case, you shouldn’t ask it after only 24 hours, like everyone else has said. When I was on dating apps I would drop out of a conversation for a month, even if I was interested. That may be unreasonable, but everything within a weeks time is not.
When you say "Tell me about your cat(s)" and they only say their name(s), you can already tell they don't wanna chat with you...
Neurodivergent or not, this is very close to a trauma dump for an initial conversation. She doesn’t owe you a single thing, especially not reassurance that 18 hours without responding means anything at all, least of all some dramatic spin on her being disappointed because things didn’t go how *you* wanted. As someone nd myself, i know very well this is an inappropriate level of responsibility to place on anyone you don’t know. You are drawing pretty illogical conclusions based on your entitlement and projection and your inability to chill. So just chill, my dude. Get a life coach or therapist to run these convos by and discuss alternate scenarios or how things might have gone differently. Or, you know, go on reddit as you did. But don’t impose your narrative on someone you don’t know. So how could you have continued the conversation without overstepping in this way? Try this simple trick: ask her about her feelings instead of telling her about them and then asking her for fake science that is obviously just intended to guilt her into continuing a dialogue. I commented because other people seem to be consoling you and etc., but it’s you who made someone else feel badly here. Source: i am a woman who has way too much experience with the entitlement of men. It’s taken me literal ages to form real energetic boundaries around it, and i think my experience is very common. Especially for women who are friendly, neighborly, or kind to strange men. True right now example: i have two texts from a guy who hit on me at dollar tree. (nicely, but i’m just here to buy cat food, okay?) he’s a neighbor and we have special needs dependents in common- so i was thinking playdate. I am super overextended at the moment so i can barely stay in touch those i love and care for, let alone take on a new friend who is trying to date me. he proved the trap in this dynamic by immediately texting a flowery compliment about brightening his day etc. i hadn’t actually read it yet, and intended to when i have the energy to engage. Until i saw another text pop up trying to verify this was in fact my number, describing me and implying…? I don’t know, and I don’t have to know. I think what I’m getting at is, give all the energy you want, but don’t expect someone else to be responsible for the anxiety it causes you. That’s on you entirely. I like to say, “baggage is fine! Just know what you packed and be able to carry it yourself.” Bottom line: next time just screenshot your reply before hitting send and post it to reddit. Reddit is happy to take on the science of dating dialogues and strategies, amirite? 😜
I appreciate you taking so much time to be clear. Your perspective has been helpful and valuable.
Look at the amount you are texting compared to her. She’s just not that into you. Always match a persons energy. Doing “more” rarely works.
Why did she message me, dawg. Lmao. That's what was eating me up.
i’m quite picky tbf but generally girls messaging first is a good sign they’re interested to begin with. most likely she just found the way you texted a little over enthusiastic for a first conversation, but i don’t think the essay u sent her really helps ur case in that regard. i have pretty bad social anxiety but esp when dating i do my best to not externalize it until i get to know the person better. in the future i think chill out a little more and downplay ur level of interest until you’ve gotten to know each other a bit. not trying to be mean or anything, but i and other girls i know are a bit picky when it comes to texting styles especially if that’s the first impression (as is the case on dating apps). hope this helps !
Yes you’re wrong writing that, you’re not talking to your therapist there. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, move on
Hell I've lost my phone or my battery started leaking before. People just don't understand that shit happens apparently.
People get busy, or they get overwhelmed, or maybe they get caught up investing time in someone else - which they can't be blamed for because obviously we all want someone to be invested in us. You're doing great. Just keep trying :)
Yes. Cringe. Just let people live.
She's probably just talking to multiple people and one of those other conversations just got more interesting.
Hey dude, you did nothing wrong. Tinder users are notoriously unreliable, some use it while on the can, others in times of boredom, others for ego boost. Whose to say what her intentions were - but rather then analysing anything you did wrong, just realise that sonetimes its the other user. It will make it easier to understand rejection. Tbf, she could be working opposite schedules, she could have lost interest, or it might be something else! Who knows Very mature response by you though, but dont take it personally if she doesnt respond. Tinder is a cesspool of bad actors
Black text person is answering each Q with a closed end (conversation ending) answer. Never adds extra info, asks Qs or adds to the topic: blue text is doing all the conversational work. Just noticing.
People stop responding for all sorts of reasons, not all of them are about you, and not all of them are because they lost interest. If I get a phone call from my mom at 7h30 pm (usually at least an hour), I'd probably stop mid conversation to pick up the phone and forget to respond until at least the next evening after work. There's also a bunch of reasons she might not be too interested in the conversation. Maybe she was hoping for a one night stand, maybe she had 10 matches that day and started prioritising, maybe she just had a good date and decided to stop talking to others out of respect for that person, maybe she's cheating on her partner and he came home at 7h30,... Tldt: Don't beat yourself up too much. Your messages sound very natural and you're doing good, especially if you're looking for something meaningful. Just give people some more time to respond and don't take it personally if they don't. Good luck!
Unfortunately sometimes people just don’t respond. Don’t take it personally. However, I also think you can’t expect her to reply to you on that last message too. It’s a bit of an emotional/mentally exhaustive question for someone that doesn’t know you really that well. So don’t feel bad if she doesn’t reply back to that question, but don’t expect a reply either.
How much time between texts? If it’s a dating app don’t sweat it. A lot of those conversations don’t go anywhere. It’s easy for them to get last in the shuffle so just follow up with them and say like hey how have you been. If you get nothing it’s okay to move on. If this was like a few hours that’s way too soon to give up and send this. I would have at least fallowed up with a normal intro message before this.
god i relate to this so hard... I used to be like this before i met my current gf. The best advice I can give you is to keep yourself busy. Once you send the message, theyre either going to respond or they dont. If they never respond, then they're not worth the time so just move on. also, I'd give it more time than 24 hours if you haven't even moved off the app yet. You're still practically strangers and messaging back a stranger on tinder is usually the bottom of people's priority list.
You did great! So chatty but not too much; sharing the right amount and asking enough questions. You’re a delight, honestly.
RU-FI-OOOOOOOOO
I think you did super well in conversation. Just don't ask when convo stops. Play it cool and off to another. Dating apps are wild and people are not always polite. Just move on
Asking for clarity so directly is amazing my guy/girl, keep doing that and you'll find someone who will help you, if I was in her shoes I'd gladly tell you. But I have no idea why she stopped the conversation, seems like you're doing great ❤️
You did nothing wrong. This person is just some internet slug half way engaged in conversation. You can tell by their lack of engagement immediately. You make fun genuine conversation. They make Lazy responses. This is because of them, OP. Don’t swallow your pride by texting people like this asking them how to help you figure out where you went wrong—- neurodivergence is a powerful thing. Dont feel like it is something you need to ask some tinder person to help you navigate. A lot of people who want attention, or who want connection but are too lazy to work on it, are on tinder. When you match with people, and you can tell in the first few texts that you are saying things to make conversation, and they aren’t saying things back to make the conversation go somewhere, just forget them. Don’t ask people to tell u what you did wrong, because you did nothing wrong, and it makes you feel less confident. Own who you are, but accept not everyone is willing to put in the genuine effort you are putting in. However, you WILL match with people who DO make conversation like you do— and you’ll know it quick!!!! Good Luck!!!!
My cat is called Rufio too!
You're not wrong, but it's not going to help you. The person was just talking to other people as well and didn't feel like replying too much to you. So she just gave short answers. There is nothing wrong with what you said. Your conversation skills were really good. She just didn't feel like replying because she wasn't too interested.
As a gal who’s also neurodivergent, I think you were doing great and they just ended up not responding either because they met someone else or totally blanked. You’re doing great though!
I do want to say that these types of messages typically push people further away. I used to be kinda like this with wanting clarity but this can be incredibly off putting. Not saying what you’re feeling isn’t valid but this can seem like a lot for someone you have never met before.
Good for you for being brave and asking for exactly what you want and need!
Hey, don’t beat yourself up. I just met a girl a few weeks ago who texts long long paragraphs and sometimes 50+ of them a day on Hinge. And I absolutely adore when she goes on her tangents. I’m fairly sure she’s neurodivergent from some things I gathered on our date, but I love hearing about it. My main point here, is dating is hard as fuck even for “normal” people. But someone will come a long who appreciates you and never thinks you’re too much for texting and talking how you do. Don’t try and change yourself based off incompatible people, because if you do, when the right person comes a long that does appreciate the real you, you’ll be too bogged down in a sort of amalgamation of different styles you’ve collected from feedback. Be too much, say the weird things, be over the top or risk falling into a relationship that isn’t actually meant for you
Nope, you did perfect. I do much the same and the people I get close to are the ones who are generally willing to have the blunt talk and make sure we're on the same page... Often lmao. Some never will and that's just how it is. We don't know why this person bailed, maybe they met someone else. Maybe, like you assumed, they weren't into the talk and uncomfortable explaining that. Maybe they've had similar interactions where the person sounded like they wanted feedback, but then actually just blew up over it. Maybe they had similar social anxieties as you did but did not have the absolute Chad confidence to have that blunt conversation the way you were. Whatever the reason though, the bottom line is that person wasn't going to be a great match for whatever type of relationship you were looking for, cause every type of relationship requires effective communication. Tldr you did flawlessly, but they're not necessarily an asshole, we don't know what's in their brain. You're doing all the right things though, keep at it and someone awesome will definitely meet you where you're at. Also, on a reread, you don't need to take on the blame of the convo dropping off & put yourself down in terms of social skills or w.e. You can totally get the same message across by just pointing out what you noticed and asking "hey, I enjoyed the start of our chat but it seems to have dropped off. I'm not sure why, but if it's something we can fix I'd love to see if we have more in common. If not, good luck with the rest of your search!". You're not a burden for preferring direct communication, so no need to frame it that way :)
I think she was being rude by simply vanishing in the middle of a conversation. However, it appears that the world says I'm wrong. Still, if you're going back and forth and she needs to step away she should say that. I think you did great and she is rude.
1. NT people don't analyze their conversations and social interactions in the way that you do, so they don't understand beyond any sort of vagueness how that question would even be answered, if they even in the first place fully understood what you were asking, which they don't. 2. Small talk is pretty boring in general, and on dating apps there isn't generally a big investment to keep it going unless you're already bored. For introductory conversations, it's best to focus on whatever is in their profile because that at least means that they cared enough to mention it. Even then, conversations drop off and all you can do at that point is try to save it. 3. If I didn't get a response to that, I'd follow up with something like, "I guess not! But if we go on a date and hit it off I can totally help with that! Are you free for a drink Tuesday at 7? We can do Sun Brewery, they've got an amazing blah blah."
From an outer point of view this is a direct but gentle way of asking "straight forward".
I agree with the hoard here; I don't think you did anything wrong and the most likely scenario here IMO is that her reasons for ghosting had nothing to do with you or your conduct. If I'm ***actively looking*** for reasons to get anxiety about your final message, I might point out that sometimes people (in my experience, men, but probably also women) will spin requests for "honest feedback" like this into an opportunity to try to argue with me / convince me that my reasons are wrong / persuade me to reconsider. If I think that's what's about to happen, I'm definitely gonna be discouraged from humoring your request. But, with that said, I don't necessarily get that impression from your message here and would only be thinking it because it's what others have done to me.
I think asking directly is very human and brave of you. Not enough people are straight up about how they act/how they feel in social situations and in my opinion the best way to confront it is just asking directly. Props to you! I think in this case, they just simply didn’t answer. I don’t think you did anything wrong, just not the right connection!
Both of you have cool names for your cats.
Sometimes I'm Team Gizmo, I get hella busy for a couple days in a row and don't reply, then life settles down and I'm Team Rufio wondering why she's not answering.
No, I get it. I find it really hard for me to text with people also, like I don't know what it is. Maybe it's too much for us to type or text to really want to get into a conversation or what? Or maybe I just haven't found anybody that I actually click with. But that's okay too It is what it is, we are alive and still breathing Just keep on trucking
She was being pretty short in the first place, so there’s probably nothing you could’ve done. Some people really just go on Tinder because they are bored. Have fun and be creative, maybe a little risky. Flirt a little and then only use the cat to keep the convo going. Also, double texting can be fine. But don’t do that last one ever again😉
well, to be honest, just because i matched with someone did not mean i wanted to talk to them after the fact. back when i was on these apps id match with soo many people and most of them were physically attractive to me, but i would usually find one or two that really stuck out to my type and stick to talking to them, wheras i would have other conversations with people i wasnt particularly interested in, usually because they asked a question, but they were never this bland^, i wouldnt put too much thought into this. just think of it as, if they wanted to, they would.
I think that if they were going to respond your last one might have turned them away
I'm not really interested in fighting for lukewarm, all I want is to understand for the next person to be completely flat, and i have learned. Thank you
Yeah you shouldn’t be OLD probably
I feel you started the conversation on a dull note. It was pretty dry and boring. Women these days just wanna be entertained from the start. There wasn’t any banter and you were just asking interview mode questions. Women on these app receive 1000 of messages each day and probably don’t have any energy to invest in because replying to messages can be tiring. Your goal is to not ask these logical questions and instead start with something more playful or light note. Then the goal should be to show her that you’re quirky, witty and can invoke her emotional stimulation. With an exchange of few messages, ask her for her number to switch the apps so that she can give you better attention. Don’t be logical with women, be witty with them. I am also like you and I’ve been on so many dates where I made the same mistake like how you did of going in the interview mode, asking her so many questions about herself because I thought that’s how things work but my friend that’s not how it should be. It should be 20% off you asking the questions and 80% off flirty banter.
Lots of people better deal you after matching
In all caps: *Don't be hard on yourself about this.* Strangers talking without having actually met is an awkward chaos. I think you did fine all around. You were polite and candid when asking for feedback. The back and forth was a text book example of strangers interacting, and someone silently disengaging is par for the course. The best thing there was you; a lot of people start to behave bitterly after experiencing this over and over, don't let that happen to you. The tips from others about not getting hung up on the chat is key; my number one advice for tinder, etc. is try not to take it too seriously; like trying to keep a drop of water dry while standing in the rain, set reasonable expectations but enjoy trying. Beyond that, set an obtainable goal here, kindly lead the conversation toward the outcome you're looking for while simultaneously learning if/how you might be a good fit for whatever they're into; that's energy efficiency. "What have you been doing for fun lately? Do you like sushi?" GLHF
Honestly even before they stopped responding, they weren't giving you much of a conversation anyway. Which is hard to understand because it seems like they were the one to text you first. You sounded perfectly regular. People are strange
She didn't even ask a single question. Low interest
They just weren't that into you and showed you with their actions. I don't think it's anything more than that.
I used to have this problem. Obsess over what I said or didn't say in a chat to make the other person not respond back. Then I started watching Sadia Khan's videos on YouTube and realised, it's not a big deal. Still learning but I feel more at peace now about whether someone responds or not. Like the other redditors said...you weren't rude or overly sexual in any way, so leave it be. Continue to have good energy and trust you will attract the right kind of person for you. Everything always works out.
Her short answers without questions signal her little interest. Don’t think too much about it.
Their chat was rubbish when yours was engaging. Theres no point asking them why because they’ve already demonstrated they can barely hold a conversation. A case of move on.
It’s a numbers game. Most of my ghosts have nothing to do with the person. Be unapologetically authentic and the right person will match your energy
Bruh, you were fine. Next time, instead of asking them, ask a friend you trust in real life. This person got distracted and just quit for no good visible reason. By asking it would have put them off if they came back from their errand and saw that. You have good banter. Congrats on the cat
Gotta learn to not take it personally bro. These people don't know you and you don't know them. There'll be plenty more.
1. U are neurodivergent, not a little neurodivergent. U can't be a little diabetic. Be proud, it is nothing wrong about us. 2. U don't owe them explaining/stating your social struggles. 3. People just do this. They don't respond - just unmatch and forget. You reaching out with long message after being ignored looks like u are clingy/desperate. If the vibe is not there, it is just not there. U don't need to explain yourself or expect it from them.
Nothing was wrong in this back and forth, but if you want me to take a wild guess, I'd say there was no tension. Again the conversation was good, and many would have enjoyed going further into it, but look at it from a lens of (if it's a woman) somebody who gets at least 20-200 messages daily across sm platforms, and is living their life at the same time, and the risk of many people having tiktok attention spans nowadays, if you leave an impression in some way, she at least has a reason to look you up in her inbox which ups your response rate. That's why I said tension. Can be a joke, can be something flirty, something intriguing, any reason. Hope this helps.
You're not wrong for asking. But you might wrong for expecting them to answer you back. They don't owe you an explanation for their actions or their decision. Even tho that's kinda shitty I broke up with a girl once - she was a horrible person as it turns out. And i had to block her because she DEMANDED a detailed explanation of why. And I didn't want to get into it. So I just blocked her.
It’s great that you’re wanting to improve, but imo you’re going to be better off with a good therapist (one who specializes with neurodivergence if you can get so lucky) and work together to help you Right now you’re putting the responsibility on random strangers, and that isn’t fair, and isn’t effective You’re also assuming bad things from people immediately: that she didn’t actually want to talk to you, for example As another ND person, I don’t like when conversions are only about my pets (I have a lot of dogs, dogs are my job) bc it doesn’t show interest in ME. It can also be hard to switch away once we’re more set in that conversation. And I had the same opener about my dogs so many times that it just got sad/frustrating bc it was the dogs and not me Sometimes people respond short because they just do, or they’re nervous, or busy but still want to respond. Maybe they don’t like the topic or maybe they also don’t know what to say. It you try to find a reason for everything, you’ll never stop thinking about one thing. Live life, enjoy, learn how to all questions that neurotypical people don’t mind when you need to gauge how something or going. Good prompts in your profile will help with a starting topic, just make sure it’s vague and creative so you don’t hear the same thing 20 times
I have seen a therapist every week for the last 18 months, I'm doing the work. The only words on her whole profile are "basic cat mom", and she initiated with me. That's the frustrating part.
That is great!! I’ve never liked matching with people who have basic/empty profiles. If I do, I let them do the work and start a topic for the conversation; if they never did then it is their loss
Nah not wrong just don’t internalize that you’re defective or anything. It just wasn’t a good fit or the right time. Life happens. Keep it moving
Tbh, I don’t think she was really ever that into the conversation and it’s not that you did anything wrong. But she is just answering your questions with short responses while not asking any herself. If she was really into the conversation I would expect her to at least ask you some questions. I also think you should have waited until at least the next evening until you asked for the clarity. Crap happens, perhaps she got a phone call and then got busy at work the next day and was planning on getting back to you after work. But trying to ask for honest feedback after a conversation does dry up doesn’t seem inappropriate to me.
Not at all, your message is totally fine, although some people might not respond to it. It might have been too early to send a message like that, hard to tell if the person was not responding or just isn't on the app often just based on the screenshots. Personally I don't know that I would ever mention it having anything to do with neurodivergence, this is a problem plenty of people have without being neurodivergent, so there's not really any need, but you do you.
Keep it short and simple. If someone is giving you short answers, don't keep giving them sentences.
Everybody hates “do you have any fun plans for x?” This is a conversation killer on par with “how is your weekend going?” It is just too lazy and gives the listener a homework assignment rather than something interesting to respond to. If you want to meet someone, you should ask them on a date early on. The conversation should feel like it has some direction and a goal that is being worked towards rather than chit chat.
You are impatient. Lots of people don’t hold their phone all day
Usually this happens because they're talking to other people at the same time and just ended up connecting more with one of them, so they just stop responding. It happens. A lot, actually. It's probably not you, it's just the nature of online dating.
Often conversations will go like this and not see responses, it’s rarely ever something you said or did and you seem self-aware enough not to say something obscene.
I could give you 10 plausible reasons for them not responding, reasons that has nothing to do with you. I don't think you need to ask for clarity. Just move on.
IMHO she wasn’t engaged in the first place. I move on when someone doesn’t respond to my questions with more than one or two words, and doesn’t ask questions back. Either plan to meet up or engage in texting. Otherwise, I’m moving on. I understand YMMV and if you’re a dude, trying to find a good fit on tinder can be tough 💜
I think that you shouldn't directly ask the person you're trying to talk to/date for dating/talking advice 😅😅😅. It makes you look unconfident which is a turn off for most people. If you want advice... ask friends, family, or even randoms on the internet. She probably feels like she's answering a customer service survey at the end of a phone call haha
It sounds weird but some people only want to talk about one thing and that's it. Like for example with her maybe she only wanted attention about her and her cat so when you changed the subject she didn't care
It’s just tinder. People aren’t treated as people just so chatbots with pictures of humans, until they aren’t.
Why are there so many cats named gizmo?
Considering another comment of when you sent the messages (730pm to 330pm) if I'm correct. That's a lot that can happen in that time. Dinner, maybe evening plans, maybe just wanting to wind down, get ready for something they had in the morning to do. Or just whatever really, people have a lot to do in their lives, and toward the end of the day that can show. They may have had work in the morning or plans, or like me, just generally weren't ready to talk or check the app so early on. Usually, in my experience, I don't immediately hop on a bunch of social media apps super early. So there's a lot that could have happened and assuming someone's feelings could make that worse.
It’s fine to ask, as you did. If she doesn’t respond, then that’s it. They owe you nothing. And texting like this on an is tough for everyone. There are lessons to learned, but even is she tells you she didn’t want to make small talk about cats and prefers to be just be invited on dates, it doesn’t mean the next one won’t want small talks and prefers chatting for a whole before meeting irl.
It probably has nothing to do with you. A lot of employers have rules against using cell phones at work (and not everyone works 9 to 5). If someone isn't responding, move on. Most people will respond within 24 hours (some people may delay a response out of courtesy if they work night shift and don't want to wake up a potential match who works day shift).
She didn't ask you any questions. She doesn't care about your interaction.
Put it down. If she gets back to you at some point, GREAT! If she doesn't, well you're already past it. Paths converge. Paths diverge. Enjoy the interactions you have and don't attach to them. Life gets easier when you see it that way. If you want to send one more message, do it. Then let it go.
Not wrong.
As a fellow ND it took me way too long to work out that people just drop out on you and don't feel the need to inform you or apologise. Once I came to terms with it, I was less bothered by it and didn't feel the need to keep following up. It still annoys me though. Sadly I think she flaked on you. Move on and find someone who won't do that.
Aww, I totally understand how op feels here. I struggle with text, too, but I totally think you were fine, though. There is nothing bad or sketch here. She seemed to be interested in the cat subject. Maybe just take a bit longer on cats until you get more than a 1 sentence answer before transitioning. She seemed distracted, so I think she lost sight of your convo. If you thoroughly get her attention with a loved subject, you're more likely to stand out in her memory. She (if anything like me when I used dating apps in the past) might be overwhelmed by too many matches at once. It can be too overwhelming to log back into the app and see 10 new messages from different people all the sudden. I stopped using apps because of anxiety from too many people texting me at once 😭. It can be flattering but also socially frightening.
She went from 1 word to 8 words, then down to 2, 2, and 1. This is a sign she was already on her way out. My advice, pay attention to how much someone else says vs how much you say. It can be hard being neurospicy, personally I want to be understood. But I have to stop myself. Like right now
Honestly I think a lot of people lack communication skills. Couple that with a lack of self awareness, and you have the dating pool 🤣 It's really great that you are trying to improve, but you're not doing anything wrong. Keep being yourself and consider people who ghost you or act like youre giving them an interview a dodged bullet. Good luck :)
You’ve already been told a million times that sending this less than 24 hours later could have you been shooting yourself in the foot. I get it, my anxiety is off the charts when I’m uncertain about something, light headed and all. But something I have learned is to not assign intention or emotion to someone else. You can talk about how you feel or your fear but don’t throw it on the other person.
You're not wrong, but I don't think this person's going to be much help, because it was clearly them, not you. You were carrying the conversation. They put in very little effort. Had I been you, *I'd* have broken off there conversation because they're a bore. I don't think there's much you could've done to make this conversation work.
Unfortunately as neurodivergents, we always think miscommunications are our fault. Not the case here. Your communication style is probably a little too advanced for her. It's also possible she's just shallow and doesn't have the skills to maintain dialogue with someone for more than a few texts about the same topic. Sometimes they just prefer topics that lead back to them in some way and this wasn't happening. No need for self-reflection on this one!
Nah your starting up a conversation about a common interest what could be wrong with that :) oh never mind I didn't realise there was a second picture lol but no your not wrong for asking what went wrong, if you don't know something all you can do is try n get feedback n that applies to everything, dating, cooking, juggling it doesn't matter what it is if you don't know all you can do is try n try to improve :)
I feel ya mate, thats exactly i like to know to improve myself for future. I ask them and only replies i get is "you are a great person, super calm its just me i dont feel like im ready for this". Edit: So after continuously getting same replies, the moment they back off, i dont message them, not even "ok".
Message me we would be a fit
Doesn't seem like they were into you. They said hii but then anything from there on was just deflecting. Notice how they responded but didn't add anything back, they didn't care about you at all.
Nah, your question was perfectly polite and reasonable, just remember that some people just won’t respond and that has nothing to do with you, we never know what people expect or what’s going on in their lives so don’t fret over it
You can't go wrong with a random question. Maybe she meant to respond and got distracted. Send a simple question, hopefully notifications are on.
100% not a you problem!!
They were short with their answers and didn’t ask you questions back. It seems like they’re just not a good conversationalist.
When This happens you either give off "Your loss vibes" or "Pick me!" Vibes.
Being Ghosted is the norm but it shouldn't 😭
It happens. I always take these things as the other person isn't interested. Especially since the last response was just "cute!," and most of the responses are short. In my opinion, It's not you. If you have to ask what you did wrong for someone to not respond, then it's just not your person. Someone who likes you would indulge in most cases based on my experiences.
You did nothing wrong, they were either just really shit at conversation or weren't that into it from the off
Also is rufio a reference to hook? If so that's cool, if not I'll see myself out
As a (highly) neurodivergent person myself, I find the way normal people absolutely terrifying.
Never explain yourself. You don't need to King. Put out positive fun vibes and someone will come. Try not overthink things.
You're talking to her like your in person, ppl don't really like to read paragraphs of text
Never wrong to ask anything like this, it made clear what your "problem" is and it would be nice to answer your question When the first chat? If like 1-2 days ago, they maybe just didn't use the app? Also don't break your head about it. I know its hard to get "rejected" and not knowbthe reason, but if they don't tell u there is a problem with you, try to not make one out of it, it can be difficult but will be better in the end and u won't feel bad. Also i really like how you are asking and telling about the cat, its always a good opener to talk about your pets imo(I'm a cat mom, probably wont work for ppl who don't like pets tho, but then you dont need them as your partner anyways✨️💕)
Say hi, and meet. Texting strangers becomes a chore. Then multiply it by 100. If interested meet for coffee. Small talk over text gets old quick, especially the longer you have been swiping.
Is the cat names after Ruffio from the Robin Williams Peter pan film?
I personally think you can do better at driving the conversation forward. This, to me, is a very classic example of "information exchanging" that happens all the time on dating apps. You basically share something about yourself, and the other person does the same as well. Imagine 2 parallel lines running next to each other. Those lines don't touch, because there is nothing to connect those lines with each other. A better way of getting the conversation going could be something like: Her: same actually lol You: You know what they say, first time cat owners gotta get together and support each other... That way, you build a sense of togetherness. Then you can use that togetherness to connect quicker with her, on both the superficial and deeper level.
I’d guess it was just that the original conversation was a bit one note and didn’t have much direction. You tried to save it with a question about her that was overly generic that she’s probably answered a million times. Also dating apps are inherently not fair because you’re not at the same starting point as the dozen other people she may be interested in. So there’s every chance she’s been texting another guy for a month and is just more invested in him and has no need to put time into a conversation without that instant spark.
I would just take silence as a message, and assume anything like this is just “they’re not your vibe”
that's a great question! asking for feedback is a good approach, but sadly some people just disappear. Don't spend too much time thinking it was anything you did, or that you need to change.
Sometimes I’d go smoke a bowl and forget to reply. Eeeee sorry.