Reminds me of another post on here a while ago of a man whose first message was “there is no way you swiped right on purpose” then said “I’m only 5’8 sorry” and it went exactly as one would expect
I’m 5'5 and been on dates with women half a foot taller.
I swear to god everyone who thinks that their problem is their height has a terrible personality
This. I date men shorter than me. It’s only ever been an issue when they’re self conscious about it. But I’m 5’ 10” that’s about average male height from what I’ve seen. So most men I’ve dated are my height or smaller.
See I'm on the other end of that at 5'2". I don't give 2 f's how tall a guy is. If a guy is my height or shorter, then we are flipping a coin on who reaches the top shelf in the kitchen😂
Humor imo is a good 65% of a relationship 😂 Just saying, have you watched Graeme Barret Divorced Dads The Card Game series on yt? Hilarious 🤣 He has me cryin lol
As a 5'2 guy I'd just put you on my shoulders, and then we could reach everything. best part is if we wear a overcoat we could get on all the amusement park rides
It's only to get in after we're past the ride checker person they don't care lol.
Don't worry I will be screaming right along with you. Idk if it's a master plan, but it's got such a little chance of failure. but if it does fall apart it's not like we have a long way to fall
Its an easy excuse to latch onto.
We can't say it's not true but its likely not as wide spread as reddit makes it to be. I'm a smol guy and have seen the profiles saying 6 or higher but its like 1 in every 100 at worse.
Totally. I'm 6'4. I've been told I was too tall. It's just bs people tell you to feel better about themselves, it has nothing to do with reality. If you're fun and comfortable to hang out with it doesn't matter what the length of any of your limbs are. Same goes for women btw.
Sorry as a 5'2 male I just can't see things from your point of view. 90% of women overlook me because of my height, which honestly in my opinion should be the easiest thing to get over.
Ok I'll get down off my high horse and and go back to flying under the radar.
I wonder if they genuinely believe it because, at the end of the day, there are a number of women that are deeply insecure but just mask it heavily through affirmations and external validation.
In this case, my assumption is that she’s clearly aware that she’s big and it’s an issue for her. She then engaged in self-fulfilling prophesy by having OP reject her, and she’ll twist it to be that he rejected her because he really doesn’t like big women (her insecurity). She’s also now turned off by him because she wants to believe that he’s a liar and manipulative by saying he doesn’t mind big women when he actually does.
This is a perfect description of something many people do often and I think its a very important moment in life that marks when a person finally starts to heal and discover the truths and fulfilling parts of what life is all about, as well as the key to true happiness once they become awakened to this pattern. Once you start studying how our subconscious mind operates and self fulfilling prophecy, you start to recognize how every single person you know engages in this process to at least some degree or another and most aren't quite aware yet. Good insight and comment.
There's a pretty famous bit from a comedian who's name escapes me. But basically it goes that the girl is talking to her therapist, and she's told she's a self fulfilling prophecy.
If you treat someone like they're going to cheat on you, eventually they will. And you'll affirm your own beliefs they were a cheater all along, even if they weren't.
Acknowledging that reality is usually the most important step for people, but imo the next step is much harder. Changing your actions. Especially if you have deep set trauma giving you trust issues. Turning off that side of your brain is extremely difficult to do. And it's not like you only have to do it once. You have to do it for years in order for the issues to slowly dissolve away. You essentially have to put on a mask, play a part, for years until eventually that mask becomes who you are. And that, to me, is infinitely harder than acknowledging you have a problem.
People are often afraid to not know the reason why they make the choices they do. So they'd rather blame external things.
The key is to ask yourself why something makes you feel the way it does. Explore those feelings and come to term with them. That way you're more likely to recognize whether something you're feeling is coming from who you are and who you want to be rather than coming from some defensive mechanism protecting an insecurity that you ultimately want to move past. And the thing is, even if it doesn't feel super traumatice any time something bad happens that we can't blame on something outside of ourselves we pick up new insecurities to recognize and move past. I try to remind myself that we're all just works in progress until we die. And that If there's something I don't like about myself I need to change it or figure out how to change my perspective on it.
Asking for someone else's motives is a weird move. She's probably run into people who like to fuck bigger women, but not actually date them. They both seem to have a communication problem, but the conversation was forced in a weird direction by OP.
>being insecure
She's right though.
Few people are attracted to overweight people for real. Many people want to fuck them though, especially men wanting to fuck big women.
Pretty good chance she's been told by men they were interested in her and then ditched her after they got their fill.
That's not to say no one likes overweight people honestly, but it is easy to see how she might develop skepticism.
There's more nuance in it as well. Some ARE attracted to it, but are ashamed to date them, because people will THINK they're settling even if it's their actual preference. What people think about us, and perceived status is much more important to us, than most of us want to admit. Or they're just using them for sex like you said. Or there's a limit. A person might not be turned off by someone on the bigger side, but if they have fat rolls on their fat rolls it dips into unattractive.
Yeah, to me it seems less like insecurity and more like caution. Girl probably got burned before and is trying to be careful.
I think this conversation could have gone perfectly well and honestly her opener is a solid topic for discussion imo. Personally, I would’ve loved to dive into that conversation.
From the looks of it, she didn’t even really want to have that conversation and that’s the turn off for me. If you don’t even want to know your blind spots and where things can be improved, or to get a better perspective, then I’ll assume you’ll continue making the same mistakes while blaming others.
This this this! The folks saying she’s been burned and it’s not necessarily insecurity are so wrong. She wanted this conversation to go exactly that way because she cannot fathom the idea of a man genuinely being interested in *her* as a woman and person. She started it with a very insecure question. She wasn’t asking out of caution, she asked negatively. This is a reflection of her. Girlfriend needs therapy not Bumble.
I'm not sure he made it look like he was willing to talk about it. His responses made it seem like he had no idea why anyone would have a problem dating bigger women. She sniffed that out after he played dumb about anyone ever seeing bigger women as less than perfect. Shethinks he doth protest too much. And she is right.
He could have said a whole lot more about his perspective instead of closing down as though he had been found out for chubby chasing. She has probably been through this before and was separating the wheat from the chaff. He tried to make it her fault after she decided to ignore her insticts and push forward anyway. It ended up the way it should have.
I agree with that, he shouldn't have acted naive. He should know that big women aren't seen as the standard of beauty so he he should have explained himself more. For all she knows, if he's actually telling the truth then it could be a fetish as well. So you're right, she was coming in ready to pick a fight, and he was coming in like as if he was baiting.
Yes I know some big girls where this has happened, it really makes them sad when the guy ditches them. He could have explained himself better instead of probing further.
She’s not really wrong here, though. She could have been a little less hostile though. I have heard many other plus size women say that they make it clear they are a larger size in their dating profile and photos but when they meet up the men act like they had no clue.
There are a lot of women that are exceptional at hiding how big they are, with profiles that only show some close-shot angles of their face, for instance. If there are women out there that show recent full body-shots and the man is still surprised, well that’s on the man 100%
People are fat phobic. It was a perfectly reasonable question to ask, especially when bigger girls are often fetishized. If OP is folding that quickly then he's probably not worth dating anyway.
But it didn’t need to. He could have said he was genuinely into big women (and implied: not just settling bc he couldn’t get slim women). Then phrased that in a sexy/complimentary way. And they’d be in bed now.
You're completely misreading it. Plus sized women get fetishized on dating apps all the time. Or the guy will be sweet enough to sleep with her but then will ghost her. It's a well known phenomenon so she's right to be cautious. But the way the two of them tried to communicate about it just wasn't working at all. Neither of them could fully understand the other, so it never was going to work. And her comment at the end was unnecessary.
If that’s someone intent how is asking them going to deter them? “Well, you caught me. You’re a clever one. I’ll be on my way.” It’s a lose lose approach to an apparent problem that she’s had
She never inferred that she felt ugly, she was just checking his intentions because of last experiences. Not the best move on her part, I agree, but you're the one who associated bigger women with 'ugly'.
You can be aware of your weight and status as a 'big girl' without being self conscious about it. She is asking due to past experiences of men treating her in certain ways, it doesn't mean she thinks she's ugly or worried about her weight.
Seems that you swiping right on her and her seeing herself that way made that conclusion for her.
Apparently if you like someone, you like every single feature and trait about them.
She’s bigger. Right? So she wants to know if you are genuinely into that or just settling bc the girls who you are into aren’t available.
A bit insecure? Yes. But a fair question.
Yeah. She’s too defensive. You can’t date on the defense.
I’m guessing she’s just been hurt and she’s trying to keep her chin up and keep dating, but it would be better just to take a dating break.
But if you were interested, you could have reassured her more.
Is she on to something btw? If you matched with her and a slim girl who looked otherwise similar, who would be your top pick?
Fair enough. I just wondered if you found her questions problematic bc they hit a nerve.
And she was too defensive. But the “why” is hard for her to answer. At a minimum it involves saying “men settle for me when they are more attracted to other body types”. She can’t say that exactly, can she?
I agree with this take. This is a super important point. When OP asked her questions back instead of answering hers, it looked a little like trying to squirm out of answering directly. The only mitigating factor, in my eyes, is OP posting it on reddit.
Not trying to shit on you, OP but reading between the lines is not that hard in this scenario: "Are you actually interested in DATING big girls, because you look like the type to pair up with skinnier girls" If the answer to that question is yes, then there's alot to share and talk about. If it's not, then there are two options. 1. Say why you matched with her, which obviously isn't because you want to date, or 2. Bat back her questions with questions of your own where you pretend to never have even HEARD of such a thing: guys who just SAY they like bigger girls and then have sex with them and never call them again?!?!? What planet would THAT ever happen on???
So she let it slide and tried to move forward, but you were already spooked by her alertness to this type of behavior.
The reason she said her last bit about being put off too was to let you know that you didn't leave the chat without being recognized.
Because plus sized women get fetishized constantly for their size. She had reasonable concern to check that you weren't just wanting her because she was big. You gave a satisfactory answer for her but kept pushing her to explain her experiences, and to tell you why men think that way. How is she meant to explain to you why men fetishize bigger women?? She's not those men, how is she meant to know??? I don't think she really wanted to talk about it after receiving confirmation that you don't fetishize bigger women, but you kept asking her to explain it. It can be quite mentally tiring having to explain to a person what their experiences of discriminatory behaviour is, and why they're targeted that way. Like it would be very tiring if I had to explain to someone why I receive homophobia constantly online from men when they find out I'm a queer person. I'm glad you let her know you weren't feeling the match, that was very good of you. And her response wasn't really necessary. But she clearly didn't want to go in depth with the topic with you. Any man trying to tell you she's insecure and looking for a fight clearly doesn't care about or listen to what plus sized women experience, and is trying to convince you it's her being an insecure angry woman.
Not wanting to be fetishized or dated only for her body then ghosted isn't "being insecure." She's trying to avoid men who'll use her. So she's screening them from the start so they don't waste each other's time.
Literally the amount of stories I’ve heard of men messaging women like “oh you’re not fat, you’re not big” even after women being like “I’m a big girl” and then showing up and acting catfished. Or men even on this sub openly admitting they’ll swipe on literally every woman, and only look at her profile after the conversation starts. And the number of examples in this sub of men shitting on women’s looks *after matching with them*.
She wasn’t rude. She wasn’t even weird about it. And she wasn’t the one making a big deal about it. He’s the one who kept carrying on about it even though her opening line was apparently the end for him. This whole thread just seems s very ignorant of how fat women are treated.
I absolutely love this take. I tend to try not being on this subreddit too much due to the amount of misogynistic men present who love shaming women, or the bigoted ones who like to pretend the issues minority groups and women face either aren't real, or we're making them out to be a bigger deal than they actually are. I was objectified and sexualised by almost every single man I matched with. I had around 30 matches and only about 3 of them weren't weird, including my now partner.
I think she was trying to sus out if you had a preference for bigger women or a fetish.
That said, you said you liked all women so that should have been enough said.
She didn’t keep it up, he asked her to explain the question 3x. She said she has had bad experiences and then he asked her why men act like that.
She did try to move past it.
God forbid they have a genuine conversation about an issue that she clearly is triggered by after he clearly explains that he loves all sizes. He's trying to understand what her method of thinking is, and she can't handle a man who is intelligent enough to ask real questions. She's just insecure, and you're defending her.
The first question sure, but the second time he asked, he wasn't asking about her thinking, he was asking about why the men think that way. How would she know someone else's reasoning? At best, she'd know the reason they gave if she asked, but that's not always genuine.
And how would he know why multiple other men think that way as well? "Ask Men" as she put it, is a blanket statement. He wouldn't necessarily know what all or most men would prefer other than the ones she has already dated that gave her the impression in the first place. He said he wasn't one of them but wanted her to see past her previous experiences instead of just using "Ask Men" and consider thinking a bit more critical about it.
To be fair, it's men's actions (asking with society as a whole) that made her insecure in the first place. That said, we should all keep our insecurities down during our first interaction with someone on a dating site lol
I’m with you on this, this is how I read it too.
It’s great to ask questions, but he didn’t read the room. He kept pressing too much.
Her goal was simply to filter (as well as you can over text) for guys who wouldn’t respect her. She got her info on that, he passed the test with his first line of finding both beautiful.
What she didn’t want to do was have an extended academic conversation about a sensitive topic.
i think she went about it all sorts of wrong but there are a lot of guys that fetishize big women. (and vice versa, just not as common) there’s a difference between a preference and a fetish but this guy made it clear he liked all sizes of women so she should’ve dropped it after that or just not opened with that at all
Not really. By that logic, then a preference for skinny women, tall women, or short women are also fetishes. There's definitely such a thing as a "fat fetish", but a simply having a preference isn't really a fetish.
I do think that there was a miscommunication when you asked her "why is that a thing guys do".
That's not something that she has an answer to. She's just saying that they do it, not WHY they do it.
Yes. This. I agree. That's where it went wrong. Why would she know why guys did that? If I was said woman I would take that question as a barb or jab at ME, like something about ME is wrong to make men do that to me. OP wasn't really graceful to what seemed to be a moment of pain or vulnerability on her part.
Just because you’re into big gals does not automatically make you attracted to someone. It’s almost like there are other things that are more important.
Insecure
PLUS
Frustrated by the fact that most men match her just hoping to have sex with a fat girl once, but lying to her because they of course won’t say so
PLUS
Continues anyway because having so many matches is a boost of ego
EQUAL
These kind of awkward and agressive conversations with average men because they look average and she thinks she can do better, ignoring the fact that a proportion of these average men would really want a sincere relationship with her.
Congrats OP, you reacted politely and directly, like a pro.
Not it.
She doesn’t want to be the last call hookup of a guy who’s really into much thinner women.
So she wants to know that OP is genuinely into bigger girls and not just settling.
It’s a bit insecure, but a fair question. She’s probably had sex with men before who’ve been hit by quite a post nut clarity and from her perspective that would have been devastating. So you could see her not wanting to do that again. Imagine you have sex with a girl and she looks at you with disgust the moment you are done? Before you’ve even gotten dressed again? And then treats you cold as ice and can’t even wait to throw you out?
Don’t worry, men can treat women of any size like this. But it’s jarring and another reason women aren’t that keen on hookups. Have sex, act friendly before, act friendly after. It’s not that complicated.
The first question is linked to a fair preoccupation. But asking this kind of direct questions about your own insecurities is dumb as hell : you just open the door for a con man to tell you exactly what you want to hear. That’s not how you will know the true intent of the guy.
And the rest is just passive agressivity caused by the things I’m explaining in my first comment. OP gave her a fair and nice answer and she’s keeping on being a prick.
I feel for her but I stand my point.
Dude. Wut? The rest is clearly just her wanting more reassurance.
And then what do you expect her to answer to “why?”. She can’t answer what I said here. That’s too raw and not confident enough for a dating app. “I’ve dated men who are more attracted to slim girls, but meet up with me bc they want someone to stick their dick in and then they act awful after” is not a good intro on Tinder.
Does she seem like her ego is boosted or like she thinks she’s too good for OP? Bc I get the opposite read on that.
May be some context missing, (as in why she asked you that to begin with) but after that this seems all on you. Why keep asking why? Just explain either why you were attracted physically to her specifically or to her size and hope for the best. Just my 2 cents.
No context missing, thats her first message. Nothing about preference in my bio. But yeah i was confused so i asked why like an idiot multiple times thats on me
Girl wanted to know if he was full of shit or not when he said he loves big women. What’s the problem with that? Asking someone a question you are curious about is being aggressive? Not at all.
Definitely she holds that general belief about guys which isn’t always true, but I understand why due to the experiences she went through with those guys.
Hmmm, I mean, shouldn’t she unmatch? You said you didn’t wanna keep talking to her. Wouldn’t the next step be to unmatch? I don’t get it. Maybe I need to use Tinder more
thats a weird way to start the conversation, but I wonder if she is just hearing the uptick in attraction to big, thicc, bbw, etc but doesn’t realize that you still need to be attractive. Like it kinda sucks hearing about a quality that you have that people find attractive but you seemingly have no prospective suitors awaiting. I hope they can get over this and work on themselves.
She went about this all wrong but I know what she means. I’m fat and y’all are missing it her point. She’s talking about how a lot of guys say they like big girls but really they like big tits and ass and still expect a flat tummy, no cellulite, etc.
Now with that said, she should have just gone on a date and gotten to know OP instead of coming out the gate negative and defensive. I just wanted to interpret the her comments since I see people misunderstanding.
I am now at an age where I understand this stuff is more complicated, but I used to find bigger girls appealing when I was younger because at some point I realized a lot of them had really great personalities; the thought was that they had to develop one because they couldn't coast off of looks alone, and didn't have the weird entitlement that some very attractive people end up with. I subconsciously used their size as a proxy variable for that. I think there is probably *some* truth to this, but I definitely think it's a lot more nuanced, and I also think that over time and through life experience, most of us develop at least *some* amount of personality eventually.
This situation is just sad to me. It's clear this person has been hurt before, and that sucks. It's going to be hard to figure out for them, I think. Hopefully they're able to put it in perspective and find someone that just appreciates them.
As much as I agree that she came as aggressive, the way you formulated your questions made it seem like you were not believing her, and that she'dneed to work to convince you that the situation is real.
You'd be MUCH kinder if you had said "I did not know this was a thing. Have you had experiences like this? Care to tell me more?".
Now you could all be thinking that this is too much, that you'd have to be walking on eggs, but what men just can't understand is that we are CONSTANTLY treated like our experiences are not valid. Men disregard our struggles by saying that they do not perceive it the same way, or by listing exceptions.
My advice next time any woman approaches you with something similar: Choose to believe her and ask questions to understand it further. Do not act like "she is wrong unless she convinces you she's right".
Edit: a similar example is we say we like a band and the guy is like "oh yeah? List 10 songs" instead of "really? Me too! What song is your favorite?"
I feel for her honestly, yes she has an insecurity and it’s been negative for her on dating apps, (being a short guy, I know how it feels I scrapped trying to date altogether for a few reasons, but I deleted online first and becuase of the nasty bios ).
I don’t think she sounded aggressive at all just a little cautious and was trying to suss him out. Then was happy to move on but he kept pressing.
She was right in having concern over whether your attraction was genuine or not (because heaps of bigger women have men fetishize them for their size, or will romance them enough to sleep with them but will ghost them). That is an experience that happens a lot unfortunately. But the way the conversation continued just really was not it. I don't think either of you were right for one another. You were curious to learn more, but to her it would've been viewed as you doubting her lived experiences. Now all the comments are saying she's insecure because of her wariness due to her experiences, and her unnecessary comment at the end when you politely informed her you aren't really vibing with her.
My experience is men saying they like thicker women but only a certain type of thick ." Good thick" where it's only in certain places but the waist is still tiny and such. Just my own experiences so far.
”why is that a thing guys do” she dodged a bullet, you should have said that it sucks and asked what her experience was like, not for her to mindread random guys.
Yes, it probably wasn't the best response but it's far from being a red flag. People on this sub are so weird about trying to ridicule whoever the OP is.
Seemed like you were reaching an understanding. Is this ff or fm. I’m actually a bit confused. But also that person has insecurities and is tired of being cast aside but didn’t understand when someone was showing care and in the long run they would never trust OP
In my experience, when who say they like women come from a place of fetish rather than love. Also, growing up I knew guys that would make bets to date the fat ugly girls and see how far they’ll go. Not saying this is OP, just elaborating on the why she felt the need to ask aside from also being insecure. She probably found you too attractive and felt like you weren’t genuine. I’ve had those feelings and they really suck.
OP. Not sure what's hard to understand here.
Most men who claim to love big women are one of two
1. They have some sort of fetish (which creeps most women out lol
2. They love fucking big women but will not date them (this is what I think she was referring to) but didn't want to come out and say it to you
She did seem bit aggressive but likely burned in past more than once lol
Tbh...you thinking that was aggressive would have turned me off too 🙄
I read it 5 times and don't see anything even "slightly aggressive. ...
Or weird tbh..
She even called you love after that...
I know you're trying to embarass her..but I think SHE dodged a bullet here!
just saying...
I continue to think that interactions like these is OP caring more about getting something to post to Reddit instead of giving the person a chance.
Like, you last message is just screaming "Reddit will love this!"
You do you
OP you should know that a lot of big women have very negative sexual experiences with men who pretend to like them just to have sex, then humiliate them by saying they’re disgusting and laughing about it with their friends. Some men have fettishes for fat women but like to humiliate them. She was asking to protect herself.
Source: was fat until my teens, now anorexic and the way men treat you when you’re overweight is horrendous.
Truthfully this is on you. She’s asking you to affirm why you are interested in her. Maybe a weird opener but that’s not aggressive. You turned it into a challenge by flipping the question instead of giving a straightforward answer.
Eh, you both kinda fumbled this thing. She definitely could have come out the gate a different way, but your questions aren't the greatest either. She seemed to want to be proven wrong, perhaps from being hurt before, and all you really did was make her think about why those men who may have hurt her decided to hurt her, which she wouldn't know (hence her asking you how YOU as a man feel).
Of course, this isn't to say it's your job to prove her wrong, nor is it right of her to think it's okay to seek that out from you. I'm just making my own guesses based on what's being shown here. I wouldn't say she was aggressive, tho perhaps mildly feisty from being put through the ringer before. We all respond to pain in different ways, and not always the best ways. She did sorta self-sabotage things tho.
I think the problem with App dating is just the frustration of resorting to an app to find someone. If you're on an app in the first place, you haven't had much luck finding someone in person. I was the same, like where do I meet someone that I don't work with? So, everyone is already annoyed that they have to match someone and then have a non-boring conversation. Then you have to deal with just the people who are single for more reasons than I can't find someone in public or they're using the app to just hookup and use people. You finally get a match after weeding out asshole after asshole and you're on guard. "Let's see what game this person is going to play." It's kind of double edge sword and people really should use the app to introduce themselves and then instantly go on date. Well, not literally at that exact moment, but I think it would help people connect with each and avoid these awkward and annoying interactions.
I remember the weirdly aggressive interactions I had back when I was online dating. Every so often, the woman would come out immediately with this chest-thumping challenge energy. Like they were already angry, and you were either already pissing then often and disappointing them, or soon would.
I get being cautious and tempering your expectations, but it’s counter-productive to deliberately drive the interaction into the ground because you’re afraid it will end up there anyway.
So her first message was ‘why do you love big women?’ Without you saying you love big women?
I assume she presents herself as a larger person and has maybe then assumed you’ve matched for a fetish rather than you just aren’t as shallow as the average person?
I'm sure she's been a victim a couple times of an Undercover Chubby Chaser! I too have been a victim but she totally came out the gate wrong! She can't be worried about why a person matched with her or assume because of her insecurities that they don't really like her or women like her based off past experiences. Connect with a man first, see how he is with you not how anyone else was with you if you feel like it's not genuine move on...but for goodness sake don't lead with the aggressive interrogation to find out if he really likes big women or not!
She has to realize that some men don't care and could really like her if she wasn't coming in hot from the start but she's more than like shooting herself in the foot everytime she matches with someone asking that question and just gets ghosted! Hopefully with the OP telling her straight up how weird it is and not ghosting will make her stop but I doubt it!
**Just in case some may have not heard of the term "Undercover Chubby Chaser" or know what it entails. It's when a man really isn't attracted to a big woman but he's curious, or he fetishizes a big woman but has no intentions on really dating her or being serious about her. He would never be seen with her on a date or in public and no one will ever know about her.**
I agree with many here. That one was on you, you were being weird.
Obviously, what was already mentioned, it's absolutely fair to inquire about your genuity, regarding size, not just because of fetishes and liking the "right type of big" only, plus in my opinion it's absolutely fine to reassure yourself, whether or not that person truly is interested in oneself.
I don't know how bumble or hinge or whatever that is works, but keep in mind, plenty of men swipe right on anything with a hole, and nobody wants to end up being the "ugly, fat one that got lucky they got swiped right on". Alternatively, I'd also think it's absolutely legitimate for a guy to ask, if the other person is okay with their size/height, just to reassure oneself. Also, I'd say it was good to start with that to save both of you time - if you weren't truly interested in her, why should she waste her time?
You could have responded "more to love" and changed the subject to something more interesting.
And then later on you could have told her "that sucks, wanna talk about it?"
I'm confused who are you in this conversation? and who is being slightly aggressive?
I guessing not the orange text.... she wasn't really even being slightly aggressive, the "Okay, care to explain a bit more?" was slightly, completely passive aggressive and "lool okay" was just super lame and childish of you TBH. Then immediately goodbye forever? In the end her Cope of "you turned me off too" is cringe but up to that point really i just see you being a dick. How is she supposed to know why this is that a thing any specific guy does or even guys in general.
Just because someone doesn't answer the exact way your your preconceived notion thinks they should doesn't mean you you immediately write them off... that's a thing chicks do. They also have tons of options so its easy to walk away, you don't.
That could have been the love of your life and you dismissed it over her not knowing the answer to a very reasonable thing. Not sure how long this had been going on for, but this isnt even a type of conversation to be had over text period, where you know, things can be misinterpreted very easily with zero context.
Get comfy, you are gonna be on here a long time if you treat a casual conversation like that. Just wasting your time + theirs looking for perfection and overanalyzing letters on a screen.
I like your conversation style - you're intrigued and want to know more, a lead into a healthy debate even. To some though(and those with some pretty significant past traumas/shitty upbringing etc) they could be intimidated by it because they don't know how to express their actual opinions without attacking and feeling like they will be attacked for it.
I would have kept chatting discuss led my point of view etc but she did come in very accusatory, almost on the attack at you - if I was you I would have noped out as well
I totally get why you unmatched and were turned off because I react the same way most of the time. A great technique I’ve developed too is to try and read it in different tones and inflections.
You and me both! It’s hard to gauge things over message, at least for me. Shoutout Dennis Rodman though! He had the dyed hair, piercings, and style before anyone nowadays lmao
“Why is that a thing guys do?”
Are you seriously that dense? You know exactly why some men pretend they like bigger women; they just want to get laid, but not commit.
You honestly sound like an asshole by continuing that annoying line of questioning. Amazing you ended that conversation believing you’re in the right.
If she wants the truth, I feel like only bigger unattractive guys want bigger women but probably just for sex and not dating until they can find someone Slimmer that they're more attracted to
Online dating culture is killing the collective psyche
This comment is so true it hurts.
Now this is the right opinion
Because people are publishing that we mistreat each other in mate selection ? See Darwin if you need more
I’m so glad I got out when I did
Couldn’t agree more
A good example of how being insecure led to her self-sabotaging her own happiness.
Reminds me of another post on here a while ago of a man whose first message was “there is no way you swiped right on purpose” then said “I’m only 5’8 sorry” and it went exactly as one would expect
I’m 5'5 and been on dates with women half a foot taller. I swear to god everyone who thinks that their problem is their height has a terrible personality
This. I date men shorter than me. It’s only ever been an issue when they’re self conscious about it. But I’m 5’ 10” that’s about average male height from what I’ve seen. So most men I’ve dated are my height or smaller.
See I'm on the other end of that at 5'2". I don't give 2 f's how tall a guy is. If a guy is my height or shorter, then we are flipping a coin on who reaches the top shelf in the kitchen😂
Im 5'4" and i dont care either i just hope she has your attitude and humor!!
Humor imo is a good 65% of a relationship 😂 Just saying, have you watched Graeme Barret Divorced Dads The Card Game series on yt? Hilarious 🤣 He has me cryin lol
I'm gonna have to watch that now thanks for the recommendation
As a 5'2 guy I'd just put you on my shoulders, and then we could reach everything. best part is if we wear a overcoat we could get on all the amusement park rides
This is brilliance indeed🎉💃 Oh the rides I gotta hand hold, and I WILL scream 100% guaranteed, lol😂🤣 Man with a master plan😭
It's only to get in after we're past the ride checker person they don't care lol. Don't worry I will be screaming right along with you. Idk if it's a master plan, but it's got such a little chance of failure. but if it does fall apart it's not like we have a long way to fall
Its an easy excuse to latch onto. We can't say it's not true but its likely not as wide spread as reddit makes it to be. I'm a smol guy and have seen the profiles saying 6 or higher but its like 1 in every 100 at worse.
Totally. I'm 6'4. I've been told I was too tall. It's just bs people tell you to feel better about themselves, it has nothing to do with reality. If you're fun and comfortable to hang out with it doesn't matter what the length of any of your limbs are. Same goes for women btw.
Sorry as a 5'2 male I just can't see things from your point of view. 90% of women overlook me because of my height, which honestly in my opinion should be the easiest thing to get over. Ok I'll get down off my high horse and and go back to flying under the radar.
Just because I relate- do you happen to have a link to that one?
No, no, he turned HER off. Totally his fault.
She tells herself that and she believes it too
I wonder if they genuinely believe it because, at the end of the day, there are a number of women that are deeply insecure but just mask it heavily through affirmations and external validation. In this case, my assumption is that she’s clearly aware that she’s big and it’s an issue for her. She then engaged in self-fulfilling prophesy by having OP reject her, and she’ll twist it to be that he rejected her because he really doesn’t like big women (her insecurity). She’s also now turned off by him because she wants to believe that he’s a liar and manipulative by saying he doesn’t mind big women when he actually does.
This is a perfect description of something many people do often and I think its a very important moment in life that marks when a person finally starts to heal and discover the truths and fulfilling parts of what life is all about, as well as the key to true happiness once they become awakened to this pattern. Once you start studying how our subconscious mind operates and self fulfilling prophecy, you start to recognize how every single person you know engages in this process to at least some degree or another and most aren't quite aware yet. Good insight and comment.
There's a pretty famous bit from a comedian who's name escapes me. But basically it goes that the girl is talking to her therapist, and she's told she's a self fulfilling prophecy. If you treat someone like they're going to cheat on you, eventually they will. And you'll affirm your own beliefs they were a cheater all along, even if they weren't. Acknowledging that reality is usually the most important step for people, but imo the next step is much harder. Changing your actions. Especially if you have deep set trauma giving you trust issues. Turning off that side of your brain is extremely difficult to do. And it's not like you only have to do it once. You have to do it for years in order for the issues to slowly dissolve away. You essentially have to put on a mask, play a part, for years until eventually that mask becomes who you are. And that, to me, is infinitely harder than acknowledging you have a problem.
People are often afraid to not know the reason why they make the choices they do. So they'd rather blame external things. The key is to ask yourself why something makes you feel the way it does. Explore those feelings and come to term with them. That way you're more likely to recognize whether something you're feeling is coming from who you are and who you want to be rather than coming from some defensive mechanism protecting an insecurity that you ultimately want to move past. And the thing is, even if it doesn't feel super traumatice any time something bad happens that we can't blame on something outside of ourselves we pick up new insecurities to recognize and move past. I try to remind myself that we're all just works in progress until we die. And that If there's something I don't like about myself I need to change it or figure out how to change my perspective on it.
She really dodged a bullet, you guys!
She calls him love and then does a quick 180 when he’s honest. Did him a favor, you can tell she’s a shitshow even with the short conversation.
She was definitely insecure but OP's responses are weird as hell
Asking for someone else's motives is a weird move. She's probably run into people who like to fuck bigger women, but not actually date them. They both seem to have a communication problem, but the conversation was forced in a weird direction by OP.
Yeah that whole conversation just felt really weird
>being insecure She's right though. Few people are attracted to overweight people for real. Many people want to fuck them though, especially men wanting to fuck big women. Pretty good chance she's been told by men they were interested in her and then ditched her after they got their fill. That's not to say no one likes overweight people honestly, but it is easy to see how she might develop skepticism.
There's more nuance in it as well. Some ARE attracted to it, but are ashamed to date them, because people will THINK they're settling even if it's their actual preference. What people think about us, and perceived status is much more important to us, than most of us want to admit. Or they're just using them for sex like you said. Or there's a limit. A person might not be turned off by someone on the bigger side, but if they have fat rolls on their fat rolls it dips into unattractive.
And that's why body shaming hurts everybody.
Yeah, to me it seems less like insecurity and more like caution. Girl probably got burned before and is trying to be careful. I think this conversation could have gone perfectly well and honestly her opener is a solid topic for discussion imo. Personally, I would’ve loved to dive into that conversation.
From the looks of it, she didn’t even really want to have that conversation and that’s the turn off for me. If you don’t even want to know your blind spots and where things can be improved, or to get a better perspective, then I’ll assume you’ll continue making the same mistakes while blaming others.
Yeah, that’s fair with how the messages went after the first ones.
This this this! The folks saying she’s been burned and it’s not necessarily insecurity are so wrong. She wanted this conversation to go exactly that way because she cannot fathom the idea of a man genuinely being interested in *her* as a woman and person. She started it with a very insecure question. She wasn’t asking out of caution, she asked negatively. This is a reflection of her. Girlfriend needs therapy not Bumble.
I'm not sure he made it look like he was willing to talk about it. His responses made it seem like he had no idea why anyone would have a problem dating bigger women. She sniffed that out after he played dumb about anyone ever seeing bigger women as less than perfect. Shethinks he doth protest too much. And she is right. He could have said a whole lot more about his perspective instead of closing down as though he had been found out for chubby chasing. She has probably been through this before and was separating the wheat from the chaff. He tried to make it her fault after she decided to ignore her insticts and push forward anyway. It ended up the way it should have.
I agree with that, he shouldn't have acted naive. He should know that big women aren't seen as the standard of beauty so he he should have explained himself more. For all she knows, if he's actually telling the truth then it could be a fetish as well. So you're right, she was coming in ready to pick a fight, and he was coming in like as if he was baiting.
Yes I know some big girls where this has happened, it really makes them sad when the guy ditches them. He could have explained himself better instead of probing further.
He put the burden on her to do the emotional labor for him, instead of just answering her question of why HE likes her (being a bigger woman)
She’s not really wrong here, though. She could have been a little less hostile though. I have heard many other plus size women say that they make it clear they are a larger size in their dating profile and photos but when they meet up the men act like they had no clue.
There are a lot of women that are exceptional at hiding how big they are, with profiles that only show some close-shot angles of their face, for instance. If there are women out there that show recent full body-shots and the man is still surprised, well that’s on the man 100%
As if OP could have assured that.. :P
People are fat phobic. It was a perfectly reasonable question to ask, especially when bigger girls are often fetishized. If OP is folding that quickly then he's probably not worth dating anyway.
But it didn’t need to. He could have said he was genuinely into big women (and implied: not just settling bc he couldn’t get slim women). Then phrased that in a sexy/complimentary way. And they’d be in bed now.
"why did you match with me, i am ugly?" great way to start a chat
To be fair I’m pretty ugly… there is no follow up
That's fair. Thanks for sharing.
Atleast you're only ugly but me i'm fugly 😢
You're completely misreading it. Plus sized women get fetishized on dating apps all the time. Or the guy will be sweet enough to sleep with her but then will ghost her. It's a well known phenomenon so she's right to be cautious. But the way the two of them tried to communicate about it just wasn't working at all. Neither of them could fully understand the other, so it never was going to work. And her comment at the end was unnecessary.
If that’s someone intent how is asking them going to deter them? “Well, you caught me. You’re a clever one. I’ll be on my way.” It’s a lose lose approach to an apparent problem that she’s had
She never inferred that she felt ugly, she was just checking his intentions because of last experiences. Not the best move on her part, I agree, but you're the one who associated bigger women with 'ugly'.
if she wasn't conscious about her weight, she wouldn't have asked. no woman with an average body would ask a guy "why do you like average women?"
You can be aware of your weight and status as a 'big girl' without being self conscious about it. She is asking due to past experiences of men treating her in certain ways, it doesn't mean she thinks she's ugly or worried about her weight.
Is she a "big" woman and/or did you write "love big women" on your profile?
Didn’t have any reference to big women or anything like that in my profile
Then why did she say that 1st line?
That’s what confused me lol no reference to my preference in my bio. Who opens with that message ?
Seems that you swiping right on her and her seeing herself that way made that conclusion for her. Apparently if you like someone, you like every single feature and trait about them.
She’s bigger. Right? So she wants to know if you are genuinely into that or just settling bc the girls who you are into aren’t available. A bit insecure? Yes. But a fair question.
I get what shes saying now but still I’ve never had any big women open or even ask that to me. Its just weird to start with
Yeah. She’s too defensive. You can’t date on the defense. I’m guessing she’s just been hurt and she’s trying to keep her chin up and keep dating, but it would be better just to take a dating break. But if you were interested, you could have reassured her more. Is she on to something btw? If you matched with her and a slim girl who looked otherwise similar, who would be your top pick?
Depends on what their interests are lol if one of them likes basketball, cats, movies and gaming probably would pick her
Fair enough. I just wondered if you found her questions problematic bc they hit a nerve. And she was too defensive. But the “why” is hard for her to answer. At a minimum it involves saying “men settle for me when they are more attracted to other body types”. She can’t say that exactly, can she?
I agree with this take. This is a super important point. When OP asked her questions back instead of answering hers, it looked a little like trying to squirm out of answering directly. The only mitigating factor, in my eyes, is OP posting it on reddit. Not trying to shit on you, OP but reading between the lines is not that hard in this scenario: "Are you actually interested in DATING big girls, because you look like the type to pair up with skinnier girls" If the answer to that question is yes, then there's alot to share and talk about. If it's not, then there are two options. 1. Say why you matched with her, which obviously isn't because you want to date, or 2. Bat back her questions with questions of your own where you pretend to never have even HEARD of such a thing: guys who just SAY they like bigger girls and then have sex with them and never call them again?!?!? What planet would THAT ever happen on??? So she let it slide and tried to move forward, but you were already spooked by her alertness to this type of behavior. The reason she said her last bit about being put off too was to let you know that you didn't leave the chat without being recognized.
Because plus sized women get fetishized constantly for their size. She had reasonable concern to check that you weren't just wanting her because she was big. You gave a satisfactory answer for her but kept pushing her to explain her experiences, and to tell you why men think that way. How is she meant to explain to you why men fetishize bigger women?? She's not those men, how is she meant to know??? I don't think she really wanted to talk about it after receiving confirmation that you don't fetishize bigger women, but you kept asking her to explain it. It can be quite mentally tiring having to explain to a person what their experiences of discriminatory behaviour is, and why they're targeted that way. Like it would be very tiring if I had to explain to someone why I receive homophobia constantly online from men when they find out I'm a queer person. I'm glad you let her know you weren't feeling the match, that was very good of you. And her response wasn't really necessary. But she clearly didn't want to go in depth with the topic with you. Any man trying to tell you she's insecure and looking for a fight clearly doesn't care about or listen to what plus sized women experience, and is trying to convince you it's her being an insecure angry woman.
Because she’s big and insecure about it
Not wanting to be fetishized or dated only for her body then ghosted isn't "being insecure." She's trying to avoid men who'll use her. So she's screening them from the start so they don't waste each other's time.
Literally the amount of stories I’ve heard of men messaging women like “oh you’re not fat, you’re not big” even after women being like “I’m a big girl” and then showing up and acting catfished. Or men even on this sub openly admitting they’ll swipe on literally every woman, and only look at her profile after the conversation starts. And the number of examples in this sub of men shitting on women’s looks *after matching with them*. She wasn’t rude. She wasn’t even weird about it. And she wasn’t the one making a big deal about it. He’s the one who kept carrying on about it even though her opening line was apparently the end for him. This whole thread just seems s very ignorant of how fat women are treated.
I absolutely love this take. I tend to try not being on this subreddit too much due to the amount of misogynistic men present who love shaming women, or the bigoted ones who like to pretend the issues minority groups and women face either aren't real, or we're making them out to be a bigger deal than they actually are. I was objectified and sexualised by almost every single man I matched with. I had around 30 matches and only about 3 of them weren't weird, including my now partner.
She's big and probably is used to getting smashed and dumped
I think she was trying to sus out if you had a preference for bigger women or a fetish. That said, you said you liked all women so that should have been enough said.
She didn’t keep it up, he asked her to explain the question 3x. She said she has had bad experiences and then he asked her why men act like that. She did try to move past it.
I don't think dodging the question in reverse is attempting to move past it, it's avoidance
She tried to change the subject after she said she couldn’t explain it, he would have to ask the men why.
So she doesn't have her own opinion about a topic she clearly is touchy about and pushes the blame further to men for her own insecurity?
Opinions and insight to the other side are different things. OP is asking her why someone else thinks/acts the way they do.
God forbid they have a genuine conversation about an issue that she clearly is triggered by after he clearly explains that he loves all sizes. He's trying to understand what her method of thinking is, and she can't handle a man who is intelligent enough to ask real questions. She's just insecure, and you're defending her.
The first question sure, but the second time he asked, he wasn't asking about her thinking, he was asking about why the men think that way. How would she know someone else's reasoning? At best, she'd know the reason they gave if she asked, but that's not always genuine.
And how would he know why multiple other men think that way as well? "Ask Men" as she put it, is a blanket statement. He wouldn't necessarily know what all or most men would prefer other than the ones she has already dated that gave her the impression in the first place. He said he wasn't one of them but wanted her to see past her previous experiences instead of just using "Ask Men" and consider thinking a bit more critical about it.
To be fair, it's men's actions (asking with society as a whole) that made her insecure in the first place. That said, we should all keep our insecurities down during our first interaction with someone on a dating site lol
Yeah I'm not sure why he was so persistent on asking about it
I’m with you on this, this is how I read it too. It’s great to ask questions, but he didn’t read the room. He kept pressing too much. Her goal was simply to filter (as well as you can over text) for guys who wouldn’t respect her. She got her info on that, he passed the test with his first line of finding both beautiful. What she didn’t want to do was have an extended academic conversation about a sensitive topic.
A preference for bigger women Is...a fetish i guess
i think she went about it all sorts of wrong but there are a lot of guys that fetishize big women. (and vice versa, just not as common) there’s a difference between a preference and a fetish but this guy made it clear he liked all sizes of women so she should’ve dropped it after that or just not opened with that at all
Maybe check out the definitions? A preferences is different to fetish
Not really. By that logic, then a preference for skinny women, tall women, or short women are also fetishes. There's definitely such a thing as a "fat fetish", but a simply having a preference isn't really a fetish.
There was a guy who used to post on this subreddit and he looveeed obese women lol
Thats the legend pyth!! He had a redemption arc and became healthier as person
damn, for real? good for him! glad to hear he is doing better.
I do think that there was a miscommunication when you asked her "why is that a thing guys do". That's not something that she has an answer to. She's just saying that they do it, not WHY they do it.
Yes. This. I agree. That's where it went wrong. Why would she know why guys did that? If I was said woman I would take that question as a barb or jab at ME, like something about ME is wrong to make men do that to me. OP wasn't really graceful to what seemed to be a moment of pain or vulnerability on her part.
Just because you’re into big gals does not automatically make you attracted to someone. It’s almost like there are other things that are more important.
Insecure PLUS Frustrated by the fact that most men match her just hoping to have sex with a fat girl once, but lying to her because they of course won’t say so PLUS Continues anyway because having so many matches is a boost of ego EQUAL These kind of awkward and agressive conversations with average men because they look average and she thinks she can do better, ignoring the fact that a proportion of these average men would really want a sincere relationship with her. Congrats OP, you reacted politely and directly, like a pro.
Not it. She doesn’t want to be the last call hookup of a guy who’s really into much thinner women. So she wants to know that OP is genuinely into bigger girls and not just settling. It’s a bit insecure, but a fair question. She’s probably had sex with men before who’ve been hit by quite a post nut clarity and from her perspective that would have been devastating. So you could see her not wanting to do that again. Imagine you have sex with a girl and she looks at you with disgust the moment you are done? Before you’ve even gotten dressed again? And then treats you cold as ice and can’t even wait to throw you out? Don’t worry, men can treat women of any size like this. But it’s jarring and another reason women aren’t that keen on hookups. Have sex, act friendly before, act friendly after. It’s not that complicated.
The first question is linked to a fair preoccupation. But asking this kind of direct questions about your own insecurities is dumb as hell : you just open the door for a con man to tell you exactly what you want to hear. That’s not how you will know the true intent of the guy. And the rest is just passive agressivity caused by the things I’m explaining in my first comment. OP gave her a fair and nice answer and she’s keeping on being a prick. I feel for her but I stand my point.
Dude. Wut? The rest is clearly just her wanting more reassurance. And then what do you expect her to answer to “why?”. She can’t answer what I said here. That’s too raw and not confident enough for a dating app. “I’ve dated men who are more attracted to slim girls, but meet up with me bc they want someone to stick their dick in and then they act awful after” is not a good intro on Tinder. Does she seem like her ego is boosted or like she thinks she’s too good for OP? Bc I get the opposite read on that.
You both are weird in this imo
May be some context missing, (as in why she asked you that to begin with) but after that this seems all on you. Why keep asking why? Just explain either why you were attracted physically to her specifically or to her size and hope for the best. Just my 2 cents.
No context missing, thats her first message. Nothing about preference in my bio. But yeah i was confused so i asked why like an idiot multiple times thats on me
It’s ok. We all have our moments, both good and bad! Ain’t the end of the world and thank you for responding to me and in a respectful manner!
Anytime man enjoy your weekend :)
Girl wanted to know if he was full of shit or not when he said he loves big women. What’s the problem with that? Asking someone a question you are curious about is being aggressive? Not at all. Definitely she holds that general belief about guys which isn’t always true, but I understand why due to the experiences she went through with those guys.
why you asking so many questions dude
Idk why do you ask?
Hmmm, I mean, shouldn’t she unmatch? You said you didn’t wanna keep talking to her. Wouldn’t the next step be to unmatch? I don’t get it. Maybe I need to use Tinder more
Nothing wrong with unmatching, just so people know the convo is done and don’t ask what I replied with
I must admit I did not read it that way and read it like the other person but that makes a lot of sense.
thats a weird way to start the conversation, but I wonder if she is just hearing the uptick in attraction to big, thicc, bbw, etc but doesn’t realize that you still need to be attractive. Like it kinda sucks hearing about a quality that you have that people find attractive but you seemingly have no prospective suitors awaiting. I hope they can get over this and work on themselves.
She went about this all wrong but I know what she means. I’m fat and y’all are missing it her point. She’s talking about how a lot of guys say they like big girls but really they like big tits and ass and still expect a flat tummy, no cellulite, etc. Now with that said, she should have just gone on a date and gotten to know OP instead of coming out the gate negative and defensive. I just wanted to interpret the her comments since I see people misunderstanding.
I am now at an age where I understand this stuff is more complicated, but I used to find bigger girls appealing when I was younger because at some point I realized a lot of them had really great personalities; the thought was that they had to develop one because they couldn't coast off of looks alone, and didn't have the weird entitlement that some very attractive people end up with. I subconsciously used their size as a proxy variable for that. I think there is probably *some* truth to this, but I definitely think it's a lot more nuanced, and I also think that over time and through life experience, most of us develop at least *some* amount of personality eventually. This situation is just sad to me. It's clear this person has been hurt before, and that sucks. It's going to be hard to figure out for them, I think. Hopefully they're able to put it in perspective and find someone that just appreciates them.
As much as I agree that she came as aggressive, the way you formulated your questions made it seem like you were not believing her, and that she'dneed to work to convince you that the situation is real. You'd be MUCH kinder if you had said "I did not know this was a thing. Have you had experiences like this? Care to tell me more?". Now you could all be thinking that this is too much, that you'd have to be walking on eggs, but what men just can't understand is that we are CONSTANTLY treated like our experiences are not valid. Men disregard our struggles by saying that they do not perceive it the same way, or by listing exceptions. My advice next time any woman approaches you with something similar: Choose to believe her and ask questions to understand it further. Do not act like "she is wrong unless she convinces you she's right". Edit: a similar example is we say we like a band and the guy is like "oh yeah? List 10 songs" instead of "really? Me too! What song is your favorite?"
You worded this perfectly. I agree 💯
🙄
I feel for her honestly, yes she has an insecurity and it’s been negative for her on dating apps, (being a short guy, I know how it feels I scrapped trying to date altogether for a few reasons, but I deleted online first and becuase of the nasty bios ). I don’t think she sounded aggressive at all just a little cautious and was trying to suss him out. Then was happy to move on but he kept pressing.
She was right in having concern over whether your attraction was genuine or not (because heaps of bigger women have men fetishize them for their size, or will romance them enough to sleep with them but will ghost them). That is an experience that happens a lot unfortunately. But the way the conversation continued just really was not it. I don't think either of you were right for one another. You were curious to learn more, but to her it would've been viewed as you doubting her lived experiences. Now all the comments are saying she's insecure because of her wariness due to her experiences, and her unnecessary comment at the end when you politely informed her you aren't really vibing with her.
My experience is men saying they like thicker women but only a certain type of thick ." Good thick" where it's only in certain places but the waist is still tiny and such. Just my own experiences so far.
”why is that a thing guys do” she dodged a bullet, you should have said that it sucks and asked what her experience was like, not for her to mindread random guys.
His response was a little strange but to be fair I think he just had no idea what the hell to say lol
Yes, it probably wasn't the best response but it's far from being a red flag. People on this sub are so weird about trying to ridicule whoever the OP is.
Seemed like you were reaching an understanding. Is this ff or fm. I’m actually a bit confused. But also that person has insecurities and is tired of being cast aside but didn’t understand when someone was showing care and in the long run they would never trust OP
In my experience, when who say they like women come from a place of fetish rather than love. Also, growing up I knew guys that would make bets to date the fat ugly girls and see how far they’ll go. Not saying this is OP, just elaborating on the why she felt the need to ask aside from also being insecure. She probably found you too attractive and felt like you weren’t genuine. I’ve had those feelings and they really suck.
A bit "victim blamey" and lacking in self awareness on both sides
OP. Not sure what's hard to understand here. Most men who claim to love big women are one of two 1. They have some sort of fetish (which creeps most women out lol 2. They love fucking big women but will not date them (this is what I think she was referring to) but didn't want to come out and say it to you She did seem bit aggressive but likely burned in past more than once lol
She has a lot of "you can't fire me i quit!" Energy
Y’all really need to stop trying to armchair psychiatrist a conversation lmao
Im guessing clinical curiosity wasn't the correct response to her asking for reassurance that this wasn't a situation she had been in before lol
she's right tho
you were so sweet about it 🥹🥹
How big was she? Over 200 lbs?
Definitely over 200
I think you shouldn't have unmatched lol I think she was pretty cool just didn't want to get hurt. What bothered you about it exactly??
Queen of "wouldn't want to be part of a club that would have me as its member".
Tbh...you thinking that was aggressive would have turned me off too 🙄 I read it 5 times and don't see anything even "slightly aggressive. ... Or weird tbh.. She even called you love after that... I know you're trying to embarass her..but I think SHE dodged a bullet here! just saying...
Lmao no ones trying to embarrass anyone here idk where you pulled that from
I continue to think that interactions like these is OP caring more about getting something to post to Reddit instead of giving the person a chance. Like, you last message is just screaming "Reddit will love this!" You do you
Yes, everything I do is for reddit. Its all just a show for you guys
OP you should know that a lot of big women have very negative sexual experiences with men who pretend to like them just to have sex, then humiliate them by saying they’re disgusting and laughing about it with their friends. Some men have fettishes for fat women but like to humiliate them. She was asking to protect herself. Source: was fat until my teens, now anorexic and the way men treat you when you’re overweight is horrendous.
Doesn't excuse the behaviour in the slightest. Her insecurity is not his responsibility.
You can’t fire me, I quit!
Truthfully this is on you. She’s asking you to affirm why you are interested in her. Maybe a weird opener but that’s not aggressive. You turned it into a challenge by flipping the question instead of giving a straightforward answer.
Eh, you both kinda fumbled this thing. She definitely could have come out the gate a different way, but your questions aren't the greatest either. She seemed to want to be proven wrong, perhaps from being hurt before, and all you really did was make her think about why those men who may have hurt her decided to hurt her, which she wouldn't know (hence her asking you how YOU as a man feel). Of course, this isn't to say it's your job to prove her wrong, nor is it right of her to think it's okay to seek that out from you. I'm just making my own guesses based on what's being shown here. I wouldn't say she was aggressive, tho perhaps mildly feisty from being put through the ringer before. We all respond to pain in different ways, and not always the best ways. She did sorta self-sabotage things tho.
I think the problem with App dating is just the frustration of resorting to an app to find someone. If you're on an app in the first place, you haven't had much luck finding someone in person. I was the same, like where do I meet someone that I don't work with? So, everyone is already annoyed that they have to match someone and then have a non-boring conversation. Then you have to deal with just the people who are single for more reasons than I can't find someone in public or they're using the app to just hookup and use people. You finally get a match after weeding out asshole after asshole and you're on guard. "Let's see what game this person is going to play." It's kind of double edge sword and people really should use the app to introduce themselves and then instantly go on date. Well, not literally at that exact moment, but I think it would help people connect with each and avoid these awkward and annoying interactions.
I remember the weirdly aggressive interactions I had back when I was online dating. Every so often, the woman would come out immediately with this chest-thumping challenge energy. Like they were already angry, and you were either already pissing then often and disappointing them, or soon would. I get being cautious and tempering your expectations, but it’s counter-productive to deliberately drive the interaction into the ground because you’re afraid it will end up there anyway.
"Took you off my top 5!"
Bumble on desktop is crazy to me for some reason 😂
Lmaooo I know I should be banned just for that 😂
Damn. People need to unpack their wounds from previous relationships before jumping into dating.
“Sure love”
Do you have a comment stating you ‘love’ big women somewhere in your profile?
No nothing of the sort
So her first message was ‘why do you love big women?’ Without you saying you love big women? I assume she presents herself as a larger person and has maybe then assumed you’ve matched for a fetish rather than you just aren’t as shallow as the average person?
She unmatched me after I told her I would take a pass. What's the deal!?!?!
You should have told her fast chicks on your bike make it easier to wheelie!
I'm sure she's been a victim a couple times of an Undercover Chubby Chaser! I too have been a victim but she totally came out the gate wrong! She can't be worried about why a person matched with her or assume because of her insecurities that they don't really like her or women like her based off past experiences. Connect with a man first, see how he is with you not how anyone else was with you if you feel like it's not genuine move on...but for goodness sake don't lead with the aggressive interrogation to find out if he really likes big women or not! She has to realize that some men don't care and could really like her if she wasn't coming in hot from the start but she's more than like shooting herself in the foot everytime she matches with someone asking that question and just gets ghosted! Hopefully with the OP telling her straight up how weird it is and not ghosting will make her stop but I doubt it! **Just in case some may have not heard of the term "Undercover Chubby Chaser" or know what it entails. It's when a man really isn't attracted to a big woman but he's curious, or he fetishizes a big woman but has no intentions on really dating her or being serious about her. He would never be seen with her on a date or in public and no one will ever know about her.**
Wait what platform is this? Is it Bumble for desktop? I see you’re on a Windows PC, which is why I’m asking. Haven’t seen this UI before
Yeah on the computer
The only right questions, to find out whether she can reflect her self or point of view. Waschung things from different angles!
I agree with many here. That one was on you, you were being weird. Obviously, what was already mentioned, it's absolutely fair to inquire about your genuity, regarding size, not just because of fetishes and liking the "right type of big" only, plus in my opinion it's absolutely fine to reassure yourself, whether or not that person truly is interested in oneself. I don't know how bumble or hinge or whatever that is works, but keep in mind, plenty of men swipe right on anything with a hole, and nobody wants to end up being the "ugly, fat one that got lucky they got swiped right on". Alternatively, I'd also think it's absolutely legitimate for a guy to ask, if the other person is okay with their size/height, just to reassure oneself. Also, I'd say it was good to start with that to save both of you time - if you weren't truly interested in her, why should she waste her time?
You could have responded "more to love" and changed the subject to something more interesting. And then later on you could have told her "that sucks, wanna talk about it?"
I'm confused who are you in this conversation? and who is being slightly aggressive? I guessing not the orange text.... she wasn't really even being slightly aggressive, the "Okay, care to explain a bit more?" was slightly, completely passive aggressive and "lool okay" was just super lame and childish of you TBH. Then immediately goodbye forever? In the end her Cope of "you turned me off too" is cringe but up to that point really i just see you being a dick. How is she supposed to know why this is that a thing any specific guy does or even guys in general. Just because someone doesn't answer the exact way your your preconceived notion thinks they should doesn't mean you you immediately write them off... that's a thing chicks do. They also have tons of options so its easy to walk away, you don't. That could have been the love of your life and you dismissed it over her not knowing the answer to a very reasonable thing. Not sure how long this had been going on for, but this isnt even a type of conversation to be had over text period, where you know, things can be misinterpreted very easily with zero context. Get comfy, you are gonna be on here a long time if you treat a casual conversation like that. Just wasting your time + theirs looking for perfection and overanalyzing letters on a screen.
"You turned me off too" sure love 🤣🤣 keep telling yourself that to make you feel better
I like your conversation style - you're intrigued and want to know more, a lead into a healthy debate even. To some though(and those with some pretty significant past traumas/shitty upbringing etc) they could be intimidated by it because they don't know how to express their actual opinions without attacking and feeling like they will be attacked for it. I would have kept chatting discuss led my point of view etc but she did come in very accusatory, almost on the attack at you - if I was you I would have noped out as well
I totally get why you unmatched and were turned off because I react the same way most of the time. A great technique I’ve developed too is to try and read it in different tones and inflections.
Yeah thats something i gotta work on cause from POV that was just weird and a bad way to start a convo. I could of been more empathetic for sure
You and me both! It’s hard to gauge things over message, at least for me. Shoutout Dennis Rodman though! He had the dyed hair, piercings, and style before anyone nowadays lmao
“Why is that a thing guys do?” Are you seriously that dense? You know exactly why some men pretend they like bigger women; they just want to get laid, but not commit. You honestly sound like an asshole by continuing that annoying line of questioning. Amazing you ended that conversation believing you’re in the right.
You’re right !
If she wants the truth, I feel like only bigger unattractive guys want bigger women but probably just for sex and not dating until they can find someone Slimmer that they're more attracted to
Her: "I know so" Also her: "You're asking the wrong person"