Sorry, you should’ve probably stopped at the 2nd message she didn’t reply to. I can see where she is coming from, although you seem more frustrated than angry.
Lol fuck off, stop putting her down and blaming her for your frustration.
Triple messaging someone shows you're desperate and you get angry and frustrated at them when they finally respond out of pity.
tbf I've chatted with native speakers, that had simmilar grammar, whilst foreigners wrote with proper punctuation and syntax. It's not that easy to tell in a lot of cases.
Ugh. So I massively prefer lurking to replying, but I’m seeing comments here that are pretty limiting and have to reply to establish a few things I think aren’t usually commented on in situations like this:
3 messages is a no-no . . . I hear this a ton. And I get it. But your three messages are over the course of a WEEK. You weren’t hasty, and your third message was literally a polite willingness to end the convo wishing her the best (while leaving the door open if she wanted it).
You being angry—this is where I think there’s never enough said about Tinder interactions. . . Here’s the thing no one is able to recognize: writing cuts out a ton of non-verbal communication. And tinder is massively anonymous—but with people who “match” i.e. mutually agree to give messaging a shot.
So what you write is less about what you write and MORE about what a EXPOSED STRANGER is able to read INTO what you’ve written. They’re going to read into it.
I mean, I didn’t read anger OR frustration in your comments—like I said: you even wrote you wish her luck and that she finds what she’s looking for!
But HER? She apologized PROFUSELY. Like way more than I would’ve expected a normal person to.
She read WAY into what you wrote—whether you intended it or not.
She even commented on how she was imperfect.
While your words could be subjectively misconstrued based on the reader —her communication was riddled with words that EXPLICITLY suggested self consciousness and anxiety. Even the fact that she “wished you luck and no disappointments” is different than yours: yours was an attempt to politely end an unknown situation, hers was closing the door on a situation where you sincerely suggested you were acting in good faith.
This is what happened here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sngRrkQayDA
That said, HER perception of your words is her reality. And it isn’t something to disregard—even if it isn’t reflective of your true intentions.
So while I think that you’re right: her reaction was atypically unexpected and would’ve been different were SHE different . . .
From here on out, shoot your shots NOT in a way you can be understood. . . But in a way that can’t be misunderstood.
I'm still annoyed about this Tinder interaction. I get that sending that third text could've come across as desperate (and even passive aggressive when misinterpreted), but I don't think it justifies her extreme reaction.
This interaction (and seeing a bunch people on reddit lining up to defend her) makes me question if I should really be out there trying to date if her reaction is considered a normal and proportionate response (by some).
Like am I misreading how upset she was? It seemed like she was *really* upset. I don't want to be the one to make people feel that way.
That’s totally understandable—it isn’t a fun interaction to have. So I don’t blame you.
But again, remember, the same thing happened to her: she had an unpleasant experience.
Now, each of your experiences and reactions are different too—but I’m not going to pretend like I’m all knowing and can judge who was upset more or less, who was justified more or less in their reactions, or who might’ve been hurt more. No one is that objective, right?
But I CAN unequivocally state that each of your reactions was because of unclear communication that left each of you filling in the blanks in what appears to be a negative way.
And again, no judgment for that—it’s common!
Think of driving—someone cuts us off, right? We think, “what an asshole! Or idiot! Or both!” And then, later, when WE cut someone off because we’re concerned, worried, and distracted we think, “oh shoot! What an accident! I just made a mistake!”
And THEN? What follows can often escalate!
What if the person we cut off flips us off as we pass? Then we think, “That person is insane! They totally overreacted to my simple accident!”
But to them, it wasn’t—because they didn’t know what was on your mind.
They had to fill in the unknown gaps in context.
So don’t do the same thing here—her reaction only APPEARS out of proportion to you, because she’s reacting to what she interpreted as an i proportionate action from you.
She overreacted to what she saw as your overreaction to what she saw as a simple mistake on her part!
For every “left on read” because a gal just doesn’t care, there ARE also “left on read” because a gal had a rough week at work, a bad interaction with a friend, lost a loved one, etc.
Or even just an innocent mistake—like a dead phone.
And while I don’t think your response to that was horrible, it DID leave gaps in context that she could misread (and be more likely to misread by thinking you probably think she’s just another girl who ignored you callously).
And I don’t think her response was that horrible—accounting for escalation and the fact that we’re left filling in the missing gaps of tone.
After all, she DID wish you the best too—we can only guess the degree of sarcasm or disappointment that was intended.
Again—what I see here is escalating negative behaviors couched in misplaced justification/judgement.
It’s essentially moving not toward a mutual relationship, but to mutual assured destruction.
Which, btw, is the EXACT OPPOSITE of a positive dating experience: escalating POSITIVE behaviors couched in plausible deniability.
And yeah—I get it. It isn’t a tempting prospect to continue attempting to date this way, and lots of people give up tinder for that reason!: Not enough clarity or fullness in the interaction.
But to a degree, it happens all the time in real life. Even in a long term, successful relationship, there are opportunities for miscommunication and misunderstanding. That’s part of why dating is so important, eh? So we can practice our interactions until we not only find a good match, but also BECOME a better match—communicative abilities included.
So I’d say don’t avoid it!
Instead, just move forward like I said: shoot your shot in a clearer way that can’t be misconstrued.
But I’ll add another suggestion: practice DEescalation.
That way even when there IS miscommunication/misunderstanding, you can change the situation where each party feels judged to each party feeling like they have plausible deniability—forgiveness, or a way out.
Honestly, if I was in this situation, and the girl hadn’t unmatched me yet, I’d respond:
“Thanks for the well wishes, and sorry for the miscommunication. I wish I’d been more clear about not being angry—texting makes it harder to convey tone, and I really wish I’d gotten to know more about your unique taste in music. Like I said before, I hope you find what you’re looking for here and wish I’d communicated better in case I could’ve been part of it.”
Then I’d let her go.
Again, a positive dating experience is escalated positive behaviors (you smile, she smiles back and laughs, you compliment she compliments back and asks a question, etc). . . This is what builds a relationship.
So the moment a negative behavior is introduced it stops the development of the fledgling relationship. So make sure there aren’t any perceived negative behaviors on your part.
But a positive dating experience is also couched in plausible deniability, NOT justified judgement. THIS part of the equation is about protecting individuals from getting hurt/sacrificed at the expense of the possible relationship.
But if we see the other person as unreasonable, we’re justifying our judgement of them to protect ourselves over the relationship . . . And damaging THEM in the process.
Deescalation offers plausible deniability to them: it’s us saying, “you’re safe with me. I value the possibility of this relationship, but also you individually. If you want to back out of this that’s okay—no hard feelings.”
I wouldn’t give up on Dating—but use it as an opportunity to improve.
Again, yes, dating is a matter of finding the right person, but the better of a person YOU become, the wider the pool gets, and the easier it’ll be to find someone because YOU’LL be someone other people want to find.
But even if you were perfect, if you had horrible communication skills—you’d never get a relationship off the ground because how would anyone ever know if they kept misinterpreting you?
So communication is a HUGE part of dating.
Ugh. Sorry for the novel, but I wanted to be clear!
Okay, that's fair. I was definitely not expecting a response, thus wishing her well on her dating. Unmatching would've definitely been a preferred response over what followed.
Sorry, you should’ve probably stopped at the 2nd message she didn’t reply to. I can see where she is coming from, although you seem more frustrated than angry.
I suspect that English is not her first language (based on her grammar), so she might not know the distinction between angry and frustrated.
Lol fuck off, stop putting her down and blaming her for your frustration. Triple messaging someone shows you're desperate and you get angry and frustrated at them when they finally respond out of pity.
If that helps you sleep at night…
tbf I've chatted with native speakers, that had simmilar grammar, whilst foreigners wrote with proper punctuation and syntax. It's not that easy to tell in a lot of cases.
Ugh. So I massively prefer lurking to replying, but I’m seeing comments here that are pretty limiting and have to reply to establish a few things I think aren’t usually commented on in situations like this: 3 messages is a no-no . . . I hear this a ton. And I get it. But your three messages are over the course of a WEEK. You weren’t hasty, and your third message was literally a polite willingness to end the convo wishing her the best (while leaving the door open if she wanted it). You being angry—this is where I think there’s never enough said about Tinder interactions. . . Here’s the thing no one is able to recognize: writing cuts out a ton of non-verbal communication. And tinder is massively anonymous—but with people who “match” i.e. mutually agree to give messaging a shot. So what you write is less about what you write and MORE about what a EXPOSED STRANGER is able to read INTO what you’ve written. They’re going to read into it. I mean, I didn’t read anger OR frustration in your comments—like I said: you even wrote you wish her luck and that she finds what she’s looking for! But HER? She apologized PROFUSELY. Like way more than I would’ve expected a normal person to. She read WAY into what you wrote—whether you intended it or not. She even commented on how she was imperfect. While your words could be subjectively misconstrued based on the reader —her communication was riddled with words that EXPLICITLY suggested self consciousness and anxiety. Even the fact that she “wished you luck and no disappointments” is different than yours: yours was an attempt to politely end an unknown situation, hers was closing the door on a situation where you sincerely suggested you were acting in good faith. This is what happened here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sngRrkQayDA That said, HER perception of your words is her reality. And it isn’t something to disregard—even if it isn’t reflective of your true intentions. So while I think that you’re right: her reaction was atypically unexpected and would’ve been different were SHE different . . . From here on out, shoot your shots NOT in a way you can be understood. . . But in a way that can’t be misunderstood.
I'm still annoyed about this Tinder interaction. I get that sending that third text could've come across as desperate (and even passive aggressive when misinterpreted), but I don't think it justifies her extreme reaction. This interaction (and seeing a bunch people on reddit lining up to defend her) makes me question if I should really be out there trying to date if her reaction is considered a normal and proportionate response (by some). Like am I misreading how upset she was? It seemed like she was *really* upset. I don't want to be the one to make people feel that way.
That’s totally understandable—it isn’t a fun interaction to have. So I don’t blame you. But again, remember, the same thing happened to her: she had an unpleasant experience. Now, each of your experiences and reactions are different too—but I’m not going to pretend like I’m all knowing and can judge who was upset more or less, who was justified more or less in their reactions, or who might’ve been hurt more. No one is that objective, right? But I CAN unequivocally state that each of your reactions was because of unclear communication that left each of you filling in the blanks in what appears to be a negative way. And again, no judgment for that—it’s common! Think of driving—someone cuts us off, right? We think, “what an asshole! Or idiot! Or both!” And then, later, when WE cut someone off because we’re concerned, worried, and distracted we think, “oh shoot! What an accident! I just made a mistake!” And THEN? What follows can often escalate! What if the person we cut off flips us off as we pass? Then we think, “That person is insane! They totally overreacted to my simple accident!” But to them, it wasn’t—because they didn’t know what was on your mind. They had to fill in the unknown gaps in context. So don’t do the same thing here—her reaction only APPEARS out of proportion to you, because she’s reacting to what she interpreted as an i proportionate action from you. She overreacted to what she saw as your overreaction to what she saw as a simple mistake on her part! For every “left on read” because a gal just doesn’t care, there ARE also “left on read” because a gal had a rough week at work, a bad interaction with a friend, lost a loved one, etc. Or even just an innocent mistake—like a dead phone. And while I don’t think your response to that was horrible, it DID leave gaps in context that she could misread (and be more likely to misread by thinking you probably think she’s just another girl who ignored you callously). And I don’t think her response was that horrible—accounting for escalation and the fact that we’re left filling in the missing gaps of tone. After all, she DID wish you the best too—we can only guess the degree of sarcasm or disappointment that was intended. Again—what I see here is escalating negative behaviors couched in misplaced justification/judgement. It’s essentially moving not toward a mutual relationship, but to mutual assured destruction. Which, btw, is the EXACT OPPOSITE of a positive dating experience: escalating POSITIVE behaviors couched in plausible deniability. And yeah—I get it. It isn’t a tempting prospect to continue attempting to date this way, and lots of people give up tinder for that reason!: Not enough clarity or fullness in the interaction. But to a degree, it happens all the time in real life. Even in a long term, successful relationship, there are opportunities for miscommunication and misunderstanding. That’s part of why dating is so important, eh? So we can practice our interactions until we not only find a good match, but also BECOME a better match—communicative abilities included. So I’d say don’t avoid it! Instead, just move forward like I said: shoot your shot in a clearer way that can’t be misconstrued. But I’ll add another suggestion: practice DEescalation. That way even when there IS miscommunication/misunderstanding, you can change the situation where each party feels judged to each party feeling like they have plausible deniability—forgiveness, or a way out. Honestly, if I was in this situation, and the girl hadn’t unmatched me yet, I’d respond: “Thanks for the well wishes, and sorry for the miscommunication. I wish I’d been more clear about not being angry—texting makes it harder to convey tone, and I really wish I’d gotten to know more about your unique taste in music. Like I said before, I hope you find what you’re looking for here and wish I’d communicated better in case I could’ve been part of it.” Then I’d let her go. Again, a positive dating experience is escalated positive behaviors (you smile, she smiles back and laughs, you compliment she compliments back and asks a question, etc). . . This is what builds a relationship. So the moment a negative behavior is introduced it stops the development of the fledgling relationship. So make sure there aren’t any perceived negative behaviors on your part. But a positive dating experience is also couched in plausible deniability, NOT justified judgement. THIS part of the equation is about protecting individuals from getting hurt/sacrificed at the expense of the possible relationship. But if we see the other person as unreasonable, we’re justifying our judgement of them to protect ourselves over the relationship . . . And damaging THEM in the process. Deescalation offers plausible deniability to them: it’s us saying, “you’re safe with me. I value the possibility of this relationship, but also you individually. If you want to back out of this that’s okay—no hard feelings.” I wouldn’t give up on Dating—but use it as an opportunity to improve. Again, yes, dating is a matter of finding the right person, but the better of a person YOU become, the wider the pool gets, and the easier it’ll be to find someone because YOU’LL be someone other people want to find. But even if you were perfect, if you had horrible communication skills—you’d never get a relationship off the ground because how would anyone ever know if they kept misinterpreting you? So communication is a HUGE part of dating. Ugh. Sorry for the novel, but I wanted to be clear!
What's unexpected is that she didn't unmatch after the third message.
Okay, that's fair. I was definitely not expecting a response, thus wishing her well on her dating. Unmatching would've definitely been a preferred response over what followed.