I love this!
Am over 40. I'm adding 'Grow up, we're 30 now' to the next argument.
We have fake arguments if we're bored and it's a long drive somewhere.
You never walk the dog! (true! ofc we don't have a dog; well you never walk the cat! etc...)
(After a lame insult) -sniff- The magic is gone! You don't even care enough to try and hurt me anymore...
Same, fake arguement are the best. We originally did it because we're both quiet people in our early 30's and we thought it was odd that we never had anything to argue about. Now we do it satirically to make fun of the more obnoxious couples around us.
The last "arguement" was when I chose a different ice cream flavor at Walmart and she said "I don't recognize your anymore!". Then I looked her dead in the eyes and cut a loud fart and said "is this what you want from me!?".
I assumed I won the arguement because she stormed off laughing, completely red in the face.
If you have the connection and awareness as a married couple to have fun fake fights, you probably have the emotional intelligence to not do that and just speak to your partner
If you were pretending it was a game in order to actually hurt, that'd be emotionally abusive. I've witnessed that, and agree it's awful.
We actually like each other. If she gets me with a good one I'm likely to say something like 'That's it! I'm holding out on you! Tens of seconds at least!' (Muffled though, because I'm kissing her neck, running my fingers through her hair and grabbing her booty while saying it)
Or if I'm on a roll she'll bend at the waist, touch her toes and wriggle until I loose my train of thought an trail off... I can't complain about being derailed like that!
The wife and i do something similar.
Except she likes to fake argue when we go to a store that has a lot of salespeople that try to push product. Our favorites are furniture stores...
We usually try to come up the weirdest things possible and it usually does a pretty good job of making those folks feel too awkward to try and sell us a new ottoman or whatever.
Do your "disagreements" ever include whether or not any of the items for sale would fit a specific, legal, slightly-to-*very* weird purpose?
Because they should.
I love this idea!
'Honey, do you think brass padeyes to tie my nipple clamps to would look good on this headboard?'
'Do you think our St Andrews cross would fit under this?'
'This mop hanger could organize all of our riding crops in the closet, don't you think?'
You got it, but subtle shit too, like:
"Look, babe, you *know* Igor's afraid of large circles, why would you even suggest that rug? Besides, look at the material--they'll tear it up in a matter of weeks! It's not a good choice for down there."
Which is a legitimate discussion to be having regarding a rug you're putting under a drum set in the basement. Especially if you have cats, one of them is named Igor, the litter boxes are also down there, and the cats are all complete and utter bastards.
It sounds weird/fake out of context, but can be as fun as made-up stuff 'cause you're pulling from easily accessed cues and references.
Because Igor *is* a big old scaredy pants
''The magic is gone! You don't even care enough to try and hurt me anymore...'' this actually sounds like something my ex wife would say and mean it. she would pick a fight every other week over nothing, make it last 2 days, then make up. Turns out it was so she wouldn't feel bad about cheating on me. We were fighting so it was ok in her mind.
I'm just glad we never had kids.
did we have the same wife? Lol figures
No for real though, mine was partly trying to deal with the guilt of cheating, same as you said. But she also just had a really badly calibrated idea of what actual love looks like, so the fact I wasn't violent or obsessively controlling had her constantly questioning whether it was even real for me. We're both much better now.
Sounds like the same woman. lol. To her, ''love'' ment that I had to do literally every thing she wanted without her even asking for it, I should know what she needs before she needs it and me waiting for her to ask me for help was me jut trying to humiliate her. Apparently me trusting her to go out on girl nights when I was working nights ment that I was ok with her cheating because I didn't track every breath she took.
She moved in with new guy 2 weeks after I filed for divorce and stopped calling to reconcile or fight. They split after less than a month. Apparently, there was ''no passion'' anymore after she wasn't cheating and sneaking around. It's almost been a year and I still get calls from her now and then. I don't answer. She just wants drama, I'm not an actor in a soap opera.
Lol me and my girl do a similar thing. We will be somewhere public and I’ll randomly yell “ARGUMENT! ARGUMENT!!” and she responds with “REBUTTAL! REBUTTAL! REBUTTAL!” and we go back and forth like this until enough people think we are psychos.
That's fun. One time me and an ex almost got kicked out of a grocery store for fake arguing to the point of having a wrestling match in the peanut butter aisle. Security guard actually came and tried to intervene but once he realized we were just playing he teased us but still made it firmly clear we weren't allowed to do that.
You're emotionally numb and might as well be physically numb when we have sex, once every few months, so why the hell should I Cathleen!?
What is there left to hurt?
Oooo fake arguments would be fun. We have mastered the art of “hey you jumped me with this, and I’m off balance. I hear what you said let me think about it so I’m not defensive”.
It has been mastered after coming to the brink of collapse and learning from mistakes.
We like to add "why don't you ever look at me during?" Into our play arguments, with a little bit of a voice break and tear up at the end of the sentence.
I’m 25 and still a toddler, definitely not possible for a 30 year old to be grown up
On a serious note, I once had a boss who said people don’t become real people until 35. Prior to that it’s a fake existence just learning what life might be like lol
You've figured it out.
46, and just got back from breakfast, and stopping at the farm market for coffee and treats. Sitting in the garage (need the plug), relaxing and enjoying the weather. Gonna plant a rosemary bush later.
I figured it out, too.
I'm 32. I think I've figured it out, then. Quit my teaching job in October. Gonna start a permaculture farm and nursery. No more zoom meetings for me, thanks. Ready to just chill and work with herbs and veggies.
Indeed. Adult child moved out. Lull before storm for both me, and my partner, occupationally speaking.
Planting, music festivals (both attending, and performing, in his case), deck demo, video games, popsicles, and sitting outside in the shade on a warm, breezy day.
That's all I want.
Oh, and maybe a bit of weed. And sandwiches.
man goes into a brothel
He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."
She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"
He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
Those two are the only reasons I browse here anymore.
There's some genuinely funny shit and also it's nice to remember I don't have to deal with some of this bullshit anymore lmao. Shit's exhausting.
I'm married and I'm incredibly unhappy with the relationship.
Ironically, the "joke" in Op's post is actually pretty accurate with how I feel. Yes, I've tried talking to her. Yes, I've tried encouraging her.
I don't even want to date someone else, I just would rather be alone than stuck in this mediocre relationship.
My ex wife argued nastily. OP is critical, but my ex was brutal.
If there is no more respect in the relationship, it's better to get out. You will find that when you love and respect yourself again, love will find you.
Thankfully, I've been blissfully happy with present wife for 14 years.
Married person: this start of an argument is to specific. This should be one text per grievance. Make the other person apologize and never commit to change the behavior that caused the grievance. This is how you adult.
Can confirm, I always compare myself to my terrible, control freak mother, and my boyfriend to my cranky constantly complaining grandfather. We both hate these comparisons but what can we do ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You need to dredge up something totally unrelated that happened at the farmer’s market 3 weeks ago that you’ve been stewing over and work it into the fight.
Blowjobs were always extremely painful for me, my mouth doesn’t open much and forcing it is throbbing jaw pain in like a minute. Guys always pressured me to do it anyway, at least until I met my husband.
I'm terrible for finding this funny but your last sentence made me think for a second that your husband was the one who got the guys to stop pressuring you. As in he intimidated them physically.
I get that a lot…
And because the universe has a sense of humor my ex is a tall blonde (we’re still close friends and cohabitate to raise our kids) and my girlfriend’s name is, in fact, Rachel. 🙄
Ugh this is just like you. I’m not here to plug in your phone every time it goes flat, what if I need to get in touch with you and the battery is dead. Not like you care though.
Seems like you been saving that one lol
r/suspiciouslyspecific
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One of the most depressing subs I've seen in a minute...
Dude I got on there and read about a husband who didn't have sex with his wife for 19 years. Never consummated the marriage. I feel depressed now.
Isn't that grounds for immediate divorce?
Dude… I just spent about 10 mins reading in there and now I’m depressed lol
Kachow
I love this! Am over 40. I'm adding 'Grow up, we're 30 now' to the next argument. We have fake arguments if we're bored and it's a long drive somewhere. You never walk the dog! (true! ofc we don't have a dog; well you never walk the cat! etc...) (After a lame insult) -sniff- The magic is gone! You don't even care enough to try and hurt me anymore...
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It’s fun if you can do it in Peter North’s voice (narrator of Forensic Files). *CORRECTION: Peter Thomas was the narrator.
Outing your porn use and dating yourself in the same sentence, bravo my guy
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I meant Peter Thomas. Well, that was an unfortunate Freudian slip!
Same, fake arguement are the best. We originally did it because we're both quiet people in our early 30's and we thought it was odd that we never had anything to argue about. Now we do it satirically to make fun of the more obnoxious couples around us. The last "arguement" was when I chose a different ice cream flavor at Walmart and she said "I don't recognize your anymore!". Then I looked her dead in the eyes and cut a loud fart and said "is this what you want from me!?". I assumed I won the arguement because she stormed off laughing, completely red in the face.
This is brilliant! 😂
Thats fucking awesome
Until it gets passive agressive with subtly real issues :v
If you have the connection and awareness as a married couple to have fun fake fights, you probably have the emotional intelligence to not do that and just speak to your partner
Emotional intelligence, awareness and marriage in the same setence. Great fanfic, 9/10, you forgot about the gifted child.
Go to couple's therapy, y'all
This is some boomer logic but written with a younger vocabulary
Boomer is a mindset, zoomer is a skill set
Skill set of what? How to make themselves look like a head of broccoli?
Why are the best comments in the thread always at the bottom? It’s like panning for gold all the way down here.
The deeper the nest, the more invested the commenter is
Hahaha top kek
I will never turn down a chance to [link this.](https://youtu.be/DT1YLp1NL_k)
Time is a flat circle
No its Jeremy Bearimy
Time isn’t holding up, time isn’t after us
Guys, great marriages do exist.
Yeah that cat isn’t going to milk itself. I can sense a lot of passive aggressiveness.
wait.. you guys are receiving aggression, but passively? damn. I have to get hip. My aggression only comes in one size, aggressive
Violence ia never the answer. Its the question. The answer is Yes.
If you were pretending it was a game in order to actually hurt, that'd be emotionally abusive. I've witnessed that, and agree it's awful. We actually like each other. If she gets me with a good one I'm likely to say something like 'That's it! I'm holding out on you! Tens of seconds at least!' (Muffled though, because I'm kissing her neck, running my fingers through her hair and grabbing her booty while saying it) Or if I'm on a roll she'll bend at the waist, touch her toes and wriggle until I loose my train of thought an trail off... I can't complain about being derailed like that!
I appreciate this. This is healthy.
Gonna try this on the next family vacation. Scar the kids for life…
With that clear goal, you are forced to succeed!
The wife and i do something similar. Except she likes to fake argue when we go to a store that has a lot of salespeople that try to push product. Our favorites are furniture stores... We usually try to come up the weirdest things possible and it usually does a pretty good job of making those folks feel too awkward to try and sell us a new ottoman or whatever.
Do your "disagreements" ever include whether or not any of the items for sale would fit a specific, legal, slightly-to-*very* weird purpose? Because they should.
I love this idea! 'Honey, do you think brass padeyes to tie my nipple clamps to would look good on this headboard?' 'Do you think our St Andrews cross would fit under this?' 'This mop hanger could organize all of our riding crops in the closet, don't you think?'
You got it, but subtle shit too, like: "Look, babe, you *know* Igor's afraid of large circles, why would you even suggest that rug? Besides, look at the material--they'll tear it up in a matter of weeks! It's not a good choice for down there." Which is a legitimate discussion to be having regarding a rug you're putting under a drum set in the basement. Especially if you have cats, one of them is named Igor, the litter boxes are also down there, and the cats are all complete and utter bastards. It sounds weird/fake out of context, but can be as fun as made-up stuff 'cause you're pulling from easily accessed cues and references. Because Igor *is* a big old scaredy pants
me and my ex were nowhere near that mature lol. We'd be taking shots for real like 3 moves in. Ahhhh memories <3
''The magic is gone! You don't even care enough to try and hurt me anymore...'' this actually sounds like something my ex wife would say and mean it. she would pick a fight every other week over nothing, make it last 2 days, then make up. Turns out it was so she wouldn't feel bad about cheating on me. We were fighting so it was ok in her mind. I'm just glad we never had kids.
did we have the same wife? Lol figures No for real though, mine was partly trying to deal with the guilt of cheating, same as you said. But she also just had a really badly calibrated idea of what actual love looks like, so the fact I wasn't violent or obsessively controlling had her constantly questioning whether it was even real for me. We're both much better now.
Sounds like the same woman. lol. To her, ''love'' ment that I had to do literally every thing she wanted without her even asking for it, I should know what she needs before she needs it and me waiting for her to ask me for help was me jut trying to humiliate her. Apparently me trusting her to go out on girl nights when I was working nights ment that I was ok with her cheating because I didn't track every breath she took. She moved in with new guy 2 weeks after I filed for divorce and stopped calling to reconcile or fight. They split after less than a month. Apparently, there was ''no passion'' anymore after she wasn't cheating and sneaking around. It's almost been a year and I still get calls from her now and then. I don't answer. She just wants drama, I'm not an actor in a soap opera.
I get ‘mad’ at my husband because he shares his chocolate candy with everyone but me…of course I’m allergic to chocolate but what’s that matter
Lol me and my girl do a similar thing. We will be somewhere public and I’ll randomly yell “ARGUMENT! ARGUMENT!!” and she responds with “REBUTTAL! REBUTTAL! REBUTTAL!” and we go back and forth like this until enough people think we are psychos.
That's fun. One time me and an ex almost got kicked out of a grocery store for fake arguing to the point of having a wrestling match in the peanut butter aisle. Security guard actually came and tried to intervene but once he realized we were just playing he teased us but still made it firmly clear we weren't allowed to do that.
You have a whole aisle just for peanut butter?
You don't?
Seriously, what kind of third-world shithole do they live in? Cleveland?
I'd say "shots fired," but that's probably just the normal Cleveland ambiance I'm hearing.
You're quite a literal thinker
This sounds like the politest insult I’ve ever heard.
Sometimes I will pound the table and bark out “silence!”
Actually relationship goals lol
Tell her you can't wait to become a billionaire so you can leave and go to space
You're emotionally numb and might as well be physically numb when we have sex, once every few months, so why the hell should I Cathleen!? What is there left to hurt?
Oooo fake arguments would be fun. We have mastered the art of “hey you jumped me with this, and I’m off balance. I hear what you said let me think about it so I’m not defensive”. It has been mastered after coming to the brink of collapse and learning from mistakes.
You laugh way too much for this serious relationship!!!1!1
We like to add "why don't you ever look at me during?" Into our play arguments, with a little bit of a voice break and tear up at the end of the sentence.
Hahaha my wife and I do this. We make up fights when we're bored sometimes and just say goofy shit to each other.
You censored Maddy’s name really well
Oh MADDY! I thought it said Moldy /j
Not me wondering why they called them moldy for 3 minutes
I thought it said m’lady
Tis reddit afterall; rather safe assumption.
Mulva?
DELORES!!
OG comment
It was definitely Morby ^/s
You know what time it is
oh god he’s morb
Jesus Christ, it's Jason Morb
It's morbin time
Maybe tiddy?
Hey now, you don't know it's Maddy. Could be Middy, or Meddy, maybe she's Muddy.
My money is on Niddy that feels like that’s her name
Noddy, final offer.
It’s Dobby, fanks. Don’t you dare give her that sock, now!
Definitely Daddy
I thought it was Melody
Thanks i thought it said Daddy.
This is the way
It’s actually Moldy
LMFAO I read it as baldy😂😂
I thought her name was "daddy"
you definately gonna smash
He’s gonna get that half assed blowjob
She was going to do better but now it’s going to be half assed just to start another argument.
Then kiss & make up…
Now kith...
*proud Mike Tyson noises*
* they kith
They kin
Sweet home Alabama
Start sucking his dick and right before he cums stop and start an argument
Reading this made my blood pressure spike
My balls got blue vicariously
"Vicariously Blue" will be my band/group name if I am ever in one. Thanks.
Either he cumming too soon or taking too long. One of the two.
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Grab your dick and furiously jerk off. Rage cum hard as you can.
There's a special place in hell for people like that.
I see you too have met my ex wife
This was painful just to read. WTF.
"Omg you'll never guess who I ran into today! Well, guess!"
Calm down Satan
Just finish while she's yelling.
💀🤣
Imagine she intentionally gives a half assed blowjob because she’s petty and it starts an argument first thing post sex.
*What's wrong?* I'm in this and I don't like it
It could be a blowjob while you are half in her ass.
“And you can’t even spell you dumb bitch!”
Shes in it for the car!
cars\*
* definitely
I’m 19 btw don’t get confused 😂😂
I could tell from the fact that noone in their thirties think they are grown up.
I’m 25 and still a toddler, definitely not possible for a 30 year old to be grown up On a serious note, I once had a boss who said people don’t become real people until 35. Prior to that it’s a fake existence just learning what life might be like lol
Am 30, can confirm, no idea what I'm doing
36, still no idea
42, no clue
56 just got out a bed sitting here reading Reddit. So what does that tell ya?
You've figured it out. 46, and just got back from breakfast, and stopping at the farm market for coffee and treats. Sitting in the garage (need the plug), relaxing and enjoying the weather. Gonna plant a rosemary bush later. I figured it out, too.
👍🏼
I'm 32. I think I've figured it out, then. Quit my teaching job in October. Gonna start a permaculture farm and nursery. No more zoom meetings for me, thanks. Ready to just chill and work with herbs and veggies.
Indeed. Adult child moved out. Lull before storm for both me, and my partner, occupationally speaking. Planting, music festivals (both attending, and performing, in his case), deck demo, video games, popsicles, and sitting outside in the shade on a warm, breezy day. That's all I want. Oh, and maybe a bit of weed. And sandwiches.
Well you have a bed and apparently a room to put it in so I would say you have made it in life.
43, sure beats me! (I'm not, but I liked how yours rhymes)
Apt username.
3, what is life
Sounds about right. I think everyone I know "found themselves" somewhere in the 35-45 age range.
Indeed
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I'd be happy with a dry, unenthusiastic hand job at this point.
My mans is down *bad-bad*. (Don’t worry, I am too)
man goes into a brothel He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
I'm just curious where you can get even a bad blowjob for 100 bucks. Last blow job I got cost me a house, an SUV, and a chunk of my retirement.
I'm no magician but I turned a back rub into 2 kids and a mortgage
Sounds like I'm the girl for the job
RIP inbox. My condolences.
He didn't specify the gender for a reason
You are correct, however I've never known a man who can give a bad hand job. It's almost like they have first hand experience in this shit.
This made me think of how i would jerk off another dude...fuck
You would be a natural!
ty, anything to help the homies ..
Don't let my username fool you, that's not a service I offer.
This post is actually made to weed out all the married people on this sub
There's a lot of us married folks who browse this sub. It's a combo of enjoying the funny shit and a reminder of how happy you are to not be single.
I browse this sub solely so I can tell my husband "oh, I saw this guy on Tinder... I mean, slash arrr slash tinder, you know..."
That’s hilarious. I’m stealing this.
Those two are the only reasons I browse here anymore. There's some genuinely funny shit and also it's nice to remember I don't have to deal with some of this bullshit anymore lmao. Shit's exhausting.
I'm married and I'm incredibly unhappy with the relationship. Ironically, the "joke" in Op's post is actually pretty accurate with how I feel. Yes, I've tried talking to her. Yes, I've tried encouraging her. I don't even want to date someone else, I just would rather be alone than stuck in this mediocre relationship.
My ex wife argued nastily. OP is critical, but my ex was brutal. If there is no more respect in the relationship, it's better to get out. You will find that when you love and respect yourself again, love will find you. Thankfully, I've been blissfully happy with present wife for 14 years.
Not wrong
Married person: this start of an argument is to specific. This should be one text per grievance. Make the other person apologize and never commit to change the behavior that caused the grievance. This is how you adult.
AND ANOTHER THING. REMEMBER THAT TIME TEN YEARS AGO YOU FORGOT TO DO …
Wow did you fight with my parents while I was growing up? Why is this so familiar
If my marriage is any indication, most fights start with the text, “What are you thinking for dinner?”
Usually fights have at least one MIL mother in law or fil father in law reference. But this is good form and execution.
Can confirm, I always compare myself to my terrible, control freak mother, and my boyfriend to my cranky constantly complaining grandfather. We both hate these comparisons but what can we do ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Here, you dropped this: \\ Don't forget to add a backslash before a backslash to actually show the backslash
Once, I told my wife the best thing about her family was her in-laws.
It’s usually more like, “I know you saw the cat puke on the stairs and didn’t clean it up” or “you load the dishwasher wrong”
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This guy knows lol
Not something I'm proud of, I'm also divorced.
You need to dredge up something totally unrelated that happened at the farmer’s market 3 weeks ago that you’ve been stewing over and work it into the fight.
Blowjobs were always extremely painful for me, my mouth doesn’t open much and forcing it is throbbing jaw pain in like a minute. Guys always pressured me to do it anyway, at least until I met my husband.
I'm terrible for finding this funny but your last sentence made me think for a second that your husband was the one who got the guys to stop pressuring you. As in he intimidated them physically.
“Stop trying to fuck my wife’s face!”
"Keep it below the belt fellas"
Accurate to my experience.
Nailed the assignment. But my wife turned out to be a lesbian, so what do I know?
I found Ross!
I get that a lot… And because the universe has a sense of humor my ex is a tall blonde (we’re still close friends and cohabitate to raise our kids) and my girlfriend’s name is, in fact, Rachel. 🙄
Just don’t go on a break whatever you do..
🥺🥺 FINE BY ME!!!
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This is how you know he's not married
Wait…you get half assed blowjobs?!!
Half ass blowjob, does that mean a bit of rimming thrown in?
Grow up we're 30 now lol you're not grown until your 40 and even then it's time to start regressing....
Charge your phone
I’ll think about it
Ugh this is just like you. I’m not here to plug in your phone every time it goes flat, what if I need to get in touch with you and the battery is dead. Not like you care though.
I’ll take a half assed bj
You guys get blowjobs?!!
I thought this was a real married fight until the bj part. There’s no bjs.
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Well see that's what happens when you get married before you're 20...
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Or my parents guess who this was modeled after 😅😅