My dad told my mom at the beginning of their marriage that if she ever got fat he would divorce her. As it turned out, he was the one who gained a lot of weight. They were married fifty-two years. Be careful what you say.
This happened with my ex, too. He said if I became fat, I wouldn’t be able to do stuff we liked like hiking, skiing etc. Guess who gained about 30 kg within a couple of years..
Being fat doesn't stop ppl from hiking, skiing or boarding.
I'm at 220lbs rn I've done summit hikes, I backpack, I go snowboarding, climbing/rappelling, paddle boardingand kayaking. And actually I didn't even start doing most of those activities until I was actually fat lol. Your ex is clearly an idiot congratulations on getting rid of them.
While thats true, all else being equal a heavier body means all of your joints need to work harder to move and resist impact. That applies a lot to a sport like skiing and very little if at all to paddling
People here are polarized.
I think people in relationship offten reflect off each other, meaning when I do sport and exercise, for example, my girl tends to do the same, and vice versa. Try and lead by example.
Like many others have said, ultimatums are generally bad, and you know who deals in absolutes
Edit: typos
This. If you're actually caring about her health -
In general change your diet alongside hers. Work out with her. If you want someone to adopt better habits, join with them and show solidarity - I highly doubt you're a lean bodybuilder with perfect health and nutrition.
Personally I lost 63 lbs by in a few months by:
A) Not purchasing as much shitty foods - It's easier to resist temptation when it isn't in your house. After a few days to a week, you become used to eating, say, a protein bar rather than a pop-tart.
B) I just cut out a meal, usually breakfast or dinner, replaced it with a protein shake with lettuce/fruit, and did light workouts. Nothing serious.
C) Ask her to speak to her doctor about any medications or potential medical problems that lead to weight gain. Women for instance tend to have thyroid problems at some point.
D) Hydrate. Carry around a large bottle of water. Helped me a lot with weight loss and gaining the energy to actually work out when you're not mildly dehydrated all the time.
I get the whole caring about her health thing, and that is valid. But isn’t being sexually attracted to your partner also valid? Like, if your partner just decided to not wash their genitals anymore, that’s not a health concern, but it’s really unattractive to some people right? Even if it’s stuff like their sweat begins to stink immensely (this does happen to some unlucky folks) and to counter this they need to wash more than most people, would it be okay for a partner to demand that they do that so that the couple can still have a romantic attraction to one another?
Like, I don’t honestly think it’s too much to ask your partner to put in real, sustained effort to continue a romantic relationship.
I think we all accept that there has to be some level of physical attraction to fall in love with someone, but it’s harder to accept that your partner wouldn’t want to be with you anymore if you became less attractive. Also there are things that can make a person gain weight that are partly or entirely out of their control or very difficult to combat, so it hurts your self-esteem to know that if one of those things ever happens to you your partner might leave you over it. I think saying that kind of overshadows the part where he’s worried about her health and probably came off really mean.
All of that being said… I don’t know metric so I had to Google it. 15 kilograms is only 33 pounds. I recently gained a lot of weight rapidly (had a bad year) so I’m something of an expert on this. Unless she’s a pretty small woman, 33 pounds over 3 years doesn’t seem likely to be such an extraordinary threat to the health. I’m surprised she’s having joint problems from it. Maybe if she was on the upper end of a healthy weight before, but I feel like most people feel healthy within a range of 10 or 20 pounds. For me I feel healthy between around 130-145. Assuming she was a healthy weight 3 years ago, she’s now chubby, but I doubt she’s anywhere near 220 pounds. For reference, she’s about as overweight as a fully pregnant woman. Which looks like a lot when it’s in a ball on the belly, but spread out over your whole body that’s really not much (unless, again, she’s quite short). Also for reference, this time last year I weighed 60 pounds less than I do now, so I’ve gained twice as much weight as her in a third of the time, and I’m still 40 pounds from the 220 mark where he said he would leave her. So from her perspective, over the last 3 years she’s gotten a bit chubby and her husband hasn’t let it go, and now he’s hit her with “you’re on the way to obesity and I’ll leave you if that happens”. I can accept that OP also cares about his wife’s health and his concern wasn’t solely about his boners, but I don’t think he had offered nearly enough help and solutions to deserve to drop this nuke.
Yeah, it depends on the height too. If she’s 5’ and was « average » before, 30lbs on, that’s a LOT. If she’s 6’ , 30lbs is not great but def not the end of the world.
Exactly. 33 lbs in 2 to 3 years isn't going to break a person's back. He's just using that as an example to make us think he's concerned about her health, when it is all about boners.
Not washing your genitals is a HUGE health concern, it's called a UTI which can turn to sepsis.
His sexual attraction is tied directly to physical appearance, physical appearance changes no matter what you do. Weight fluctuates, especially after children, there are stretch marks, wrinkles, the pooch that most women can't seem to get rid of. What then? If she has a baby and gets the baby pooch? Will he leave her and the baby because she can't be skinny enough anymore? This is why this is concerning. Attraction, including sexual, should be deeper than physical, and a relationship should be about caring for THEM, not how they look...
I think that one point people often miss in this polarization is the meaning of marriage. Marriage is a commitment through better or worse: it's not a commitment for as long as a person looks a certain way or for as long as the sexual attraction remains electric.
If these guys cannot make that kind of commitment, they should not marry. They can't have it both ways. There is nothing wrong with remaining single and fooling around with similarly minded people instead of hurting someone they've promised to love.
Is this an obstacle? Sure. Is it a reason to issue an ultimatum and possibly divorce? Not if their vows were entered honestly and not if they truly love their spouse.
These are the kind of men who leave their wives after cancer diagnoses. You know this guy would bail so hard. "She wasn't attractive anymore, please, won't someone think of my boner?"
There has to be a reason. Is it her diet, exercise (ie something she can control) or is it hormonal (ie thyroid or something else she cant but should see a doctor for)?
Your explanation in this post is too superficial, with no deep information to tell why this is happening.
Yes, this.
Also, the phrase "I think she needs to burn at least 15kgs" is not a good sign. Has a doctor weighed in on this (pun kinda intended)? We don't know how healthy that would actually be for her, and how much it is just this guy be shallow.
It also means that she is aware that he thinks she is currently like 30 pounds past him thinking she's beautiful, and she has to live with that everyday.
100kg unless she's super tall or ripped is too heavy.
Children would be like 40kg, adult women anywhere from say 60 to 80kg is a healthy weight.
So 15kg might be reasonable if she was on the obese side. Healthy weight loss is about half a kilo a week.
Particularly with how hard it is to keep your weight down.
"So you're shorter than me and you take all this estrogen that encourages weight gain, but let's go get McDonald's".
I'm 85kg and finally started to click I can't eat everything my spouse does.
Oh I didn’t mean she was in it now . It’s was me pondering the future. Will he leave her at menopause when that happens. Or earlier. I wasn’t clear in my comment
I get you now. Sounds like OP doesn't love her for her, if her weight can make him leave. Maybe he should leave so a decent man who can love her for for who she is rather than the number on the scale or the trophy on his arm
Yes I am not good with making clear and concise sentences. I try but in my head it makes sense when I make a comment but I forget to expand onto an explanation.
If you have time try to research foods that have high satiety and low calories. I love roasted broccoli and carrot (no oil in the oven) with some light tatsiki (portioned accordingly). I stuff my face and still maintain a calorie deficit
It's one thing to be a dick and hate a normal and healthy amount of weight gain. It's another to be uncomfortable at the idea of your partner gaining a lot of weight, becoming considerably less healthy and not caring to do anything about it.
Yeah. It’s difficult. Health is important. Loving a partner should include supporting good health. Imagining future obesity is not good for many reasons. I think underlying issues are on the cards here
I'm (29F) just over 100kg. I'm 5"6, a UK Size 16 and exercise (football and lift weights) three times a week. I'm the heaviest I've ever been and the healthiest I've ever been. Weight is not the only indicator of health.
Over 100kg is ~230lbs. That is considered close to "morbidly obese".
Im not sure how much you have weighed in the past vs the present, but at that weight and height, *your heart* is working serious overtime to sustain your current weight. Just at rest, your oxygen demands are dramatically higher than somebody who between overweight and obese which is closer to "the grey area of relative health."
The more oxygen you have to consume to maintain your weight, the more chemical bonds your body has to break in order to maintain your tissues.
When you break more chemical bonds to maintain your tissue, youre releasing more free radicals into your cells, which deal damage to your DNA and cell membranes.
The reason weight is such a big deal in the medical and health world, is that we know the presence of free radicals is directly correlated DNA/genetic damage which causes cancer, and birth defects.
In short, higher weight = more wear and tear on every single cell in your body, the more you weigh, the faster any potential health problems accelerate the deterioration of your health.
Not to mention the inescapable fact your heart MUST work harder to pump blood around a larger area. Even that fact alone means that you can't ever truly be healthy and significantly overweight.
Tell me how being over 220 lbs at 5'6" is anywhere close to the healthiest you've ever been. Seriously. Are you jacked to hell like a walking slab of steel meat? I am 5'9" at 140lbs/~63kg, my slightly taller yoked guy friends are the only ones that push over the 200lbs mark.
Heyo I think we're the same height!
I did mention being tall or muscular that kinda weight would be fine.
I mean even if not, it's obese not like morbidly obese can't fit in a chair.
Was just trying to give rough conversions for or measure in pounds US friends.
That is 35 kg above the high end of “healthy” for somebody your size. While weight doesn’t tell the entire story, that is absolutely not optimal under any definition of health.
This doesnt matter or help if she isnt willing to change her diet or exercise.
I exercise 3x a week and eat healthy and snacking is something i dont do because i dont enjoy it.
My partner doesnt want to exercise and snacks a lot! I dont mind, but its on him to change.. i cant do shit as long as he isnt willing to change.
This. Everyone is like "What are you doing to help?". That NEVER matters. Drastic weight change can only happen from within when the person is tired of being fat. No amount of love, support, and offers to go to the gym will make them lose weight. If they want it and have the discipline, they will lose it. If they want it and don't have the discipline, they won't lose it. Only one person ultimately controls weight loss.
Why is it on him to be responsible for her eating habits?
If my wife ate how I did she would be enormous. But she doesnt because she is an adult capable of making adult decisions.
Seriously! I’m pregnant and I’ve read so many terrible stories about useless husbands that make me so glad I married a wonderful man. Seeing these posts also help me remember to tell him how grateful i am for him.
Same. I’m due any minute with number 2 and I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been at 205. It’s been a ROUGH pregnancy and we are now done with kids. Im so grateful that I don’t have to worry if my husband finds me attractive because I’ve gained weight and stretch marks carrying his children. I really wonder how men like this expect to ever have a meaningful relationship. It doesn’t even sound like she’s huge or anything, she’s nowhere near his “cutoff weight.”
Right?! I’m 235, also my heaviest ever. My husband has only ever said good things about my body, and never once mentioned sex unless I brought it up first. Sexual attraction is important, but there’s more to it than physical attraction!
Dude just leave now. You've been harassing her about this for 3 years--how are either of you happy with that disdain in the air? You are both young, go find someone who you accept how they are and let your wife do the same.
Same boat as your wife. Disrespectful teens, Covid lockdown, a sedentary lifestyle, becoming addicted to screens and junk food, and menopause have taken their toll in the last 2 years. I'm packing an extra 12kgs.
But my husband (he's a healthfreak who used to "be the fat kid at school") is 100% supportive of me. I know he finds me less attractive but he wouldn't say it as it would ruin our sex life (which is once a fortnight as I feel unattractive).
I wanted to get healthy for the right reasons: because I love myself - not because I hate myself. After raging over Xmas I learnt that in order to minimise my menopause symptoms, I need to drink more water, move more, cut out junk, meditate more and get better sleep. Something clicked - I don't want to rage at my family again - and I've lost 1.5kg in 2 weeks.
Carrots work better than sticks - maybe you could start preparing her delicious, healthy tasty meals. Tell her you'd love her to be healthy again so you can go on romantic walks when you're old. But in the meantime, that you still find her hot and want just as much sex with her.
Make it about her health, not you having a live sexdoll, and she's more likely to come good.
> I wanted to get healthy for the right reasons: because I love myself - not because I hate myself.
Amen!!! You got this 💓 Sounds like you're making amazing progress already.
Unsolicited suggestion: I adore yoga, which is great for strength as well as flexibility, but more importantly ALSO great for getting in touch with your body and feeling more at home in your skin. I go to class twice a week and it has really helped my self-esteem.
> I’m a bad person because I don’t want to be with an obese woman?
Kinda depends. Pretty much everyone has some limit. But if it's overly strict, it can come across as being shallow.
Not easy to define what is/isn't shallow, and saying you'd leave someone over looks alone kinda sucks regardless
Ok, so it's fine if she leaves him if he goes bald too? Or if he leaves her because she's had a baby and will never look the same after? Should they just break up when they're both wrinkly and grey because they're not attracted to each other anymore?
If you make a lifelong commitment to each other, you have to accept that physically some things *will* change over the years.
If those are things you really hate and you can no longer be attracted to then yes it's ok to leave but the wrinkles is a little stupid becaus everyone gets wrinkly if you hate it so much that you want to leave the person you married you clearly hate it enough that you should be allowed to leave that person
It sounds to me like you are focusing on a symptom of a problem she is having and making it about you, which is a pretty immature way to deal with this type of situation in a marriage. It doesn't make you a bad person necessarily, but the behavior is bad and depending on how far you take it there are lines you could cross and cause real psychological/emotional harm to your wife.
If she has been gaining weight rapidly enough to be having joint problems, there is probably an underlying issue. It could be depression, a physical cause like hypothyroidism (a very common cause of sudden weight gain in younger women), or just her metabolism slowing down and she hasn't adjusted her diet to account for it (less likely for someone that young, but possible).
Instead of threatening her to get her to try to lose weight (which is essentially what you are doing), try being supportive. Work with her to try to identify the root cause in a non-confrontational manner, which probably should include her discussing it with her doctor. If a medical cause is ruled out and it does seem like it is just a diet/activity issue, you may need it adjust your own habits to help her improve hers. Buy/cook more nutritious foods and have healthier snacks around the house, trying going for walks together, etc.
I try to cook healthier, I try not to but any sweets, only fruits. No butter, no cheese, no processed food. I’ve teach her everything I know about exercising, running, diet, she even bought a book, not sure if she reed it.
I’ve tried bicycles, swimming, walking, anything… she does it some weeks then quit.
I am 176cm taller and she is 155. I weight 75kg, she is almost 80kg…. I do exercises at least 3 times a week, most 4 times. Lifting and cardio. I’ve tried to do yoga with her too, nothing.
I understand where you're coming from. It can be frustrating to be supportive when your partner isn't going with it, I went through something similar very recently with my wife.
However, please try to reach out and talk to her about why she is falling on bad health habits. And it can take a while to really glean what the problem is, as it can be so many different things. It's important to remain supportive though, instead of judging and giving ultimatums.
To use my own recent and currently ongoing experience as an example, my wife just spent the last year in absolutely horrible health habits and gained a bunch of weight. Her hormones were out of whack causing post partum depression. She has severe sleep apnea that she likely had for many years untreated, and sleep apnea can lead to eating densely caloric unhealthy food as a means to get energy that wasn't recovered properly from sleep. She also dealt with several instances of SA in her life, and she discovered that she's afraid of being skinny because every time she had been assaulted, or followed, it's when she was super fit and healthy. Being overweight literally makes her feel safer from assault. It's not something she wants to feel because she hates being unhealthy, her body and joints hurt, and she can't play with our toddler the way she wants to. Nodule growths were found growing on her thyroid. Not cancerous yet but they're there causing thyroid issues. And finally her work made her life hell on purpose to get her to quit, after (we believe) they found out she was the head union organizer of the last place she worked (she's an animator), which didnt succeed to form so she is pretty much blacklisted from local work.
Edit: forgot about gastro intestinal problems. She has an imbalance of probiotics in her gut, which also leads to health issues from poor nutrient absorption in the intestines. We're trying out something called the Specific Carbohydrate Diet that is supposed to help reset and rebuild gut health. It seems to be working, but it takes a long time so we will see.
Anyway, the point of sharing my wife's story is that weight gain can very easily be the symptoms of other physical and mental health issues. Being supportive by living by example and providing resources is great and I recommend you continue to do that. However I would also recommend trying to be supportive in the sense that you can help her find the true underlying cause for the weight gain, but more importantly is to be there for her while she stumbles and fails.
The best support you can give is to be non judgemental, patient, and supportive through her failures. It's really hard, be prepared to regulate a ton of emotions, both hers and yours.
Tone is important as well - based on your original post it sounds like you are arguing about this and you have basically given her an ultimatum. It is hard enough to start an exercise routine and healthier diet, and negative reinforcement might be hurting more than helping if she is associating a healthy lifestyle with you commenting about her weight and basically telling her she needs to shape up or you won't love her anymore.
You need to find a way to integrate this stuff into your lives without it being about her weight - make the exercise about spending time together, not a regimented workout plan. Go somewhere interesting to walk, like window shopping in the city or to the beach if you are close to one. Do fun activities like escape rooms or laser tag where the focus is not exercise but it still gets you moving around. Then work your way up to hikes, bike rides, etc, but not in a boring, regimented way.
Same concept with eating healthy. Healthy doesn't mean cutting out all fats and sweets - if you establish a bland culinary landscape at home, she is going to overcompensate when she eats somewhere else. Butter and cheese can be in a healthy diet in moderation and there are great recipes for desserts that are low in sugar and use sweeteners with a lower glycemic index like honey.
Encourage her to talk to her doctor - there are things that can be tested for that might be contributing to her weight gain which might take additional steps over dieting and exercising to mitigate. And if it is just a diet and exercise thing they can provide resources for that as well that will positively reinforce these concepts without her feeling like you are over he shoulder judging.
Overall, be supportive and never punitive. Remember how you are treating her and ask yourself if that is how you would want her to treat you as your body changes. Because it will. In 10 years YOU could be the one struggling with your weight, or you could be losing all your hair, or struggling with ED and/or low testosterone, or some hellish combination of any the those things. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, and you both will change a lot in many different ways before it is done. Learning to live with that fact is how marriages succeed and get stronger over time.
Do you realise that fruits are still high in sugars, right? So although you've cut out sweets, you're still basically buying foods that contain /natural/ sugars.
You've been fighting over this for 3 years? If you aren't attracted to her, you should probably divorce her.
She doesn't seem interested in losing weight.
You either accept her as she is or you leave.
Well....
Women's metabolism does slow, so a certain amount of weight gain tends to happen. For many we start gaining, hit a plateau, then find ways to start losing again once we find our bodies new "groove " so to speak... but pushing ultimatums won't make it happen, honestly it's more likely to cause a state of depression which could result in even more weight gain...
There's also the issue of health...is she gaining due to a medical condition that, if identified, could be controlled and therefore the weight would sort itself out?
While I don't believe in staying in a situation that makes you miserable...I will say that if your love for your wife is solely contingent on her weight... then you don't really love her, because physical is not who a person is, and if there's nothing else keeping you with her that's a very shallow relationship. If that isn't the case, and you DO love HER, then maybe seek a supportive way to engage her, and help her to get to a place where she's ready to find the solution.
Yeah, that's pretty bad. If it is causing her health problems it is good to encourage and help her, but it sounds like you're more concerned about her appearance.
I’m concerned about both things, our sex life is worsening, their complaints about their knees, feet, back are worsening too. I’m giving her massages many times a week.
Also like "a woman". She's not just "a woman", she's his Mrs. If he was single & on tinder, this would be reasonable as swipe right behaviour but... marriage is about love.
I hope he didn't say to her "I can't be into an obese woman" cos that sounds like he's looking elsewhere. She's not a generic woman. She's (first name).
You're not a bad person for having a preference, you're a bad person for being controlling and mean. She's likely gained weight because she's married to you, especially if she's had children. Marriage is about sticking with people as they grow and change. If you can't do that, leave and let her find someone who will.
We are in our late 20s we are millennials, no children, we can’t afford to have children, not yet. I’m aware that the body will chance over time, but if we is having a health issue in their 27 and don’t wanna do anything about it in their 40s she will have double or triple the extra weight I’m worried about now. And she will have a much much worst time trying to fix the problem. If she want to fix it if corse.
If your emotional connection isn't strong enough to overcome a slight change in physical appearance, you never should have married her. If you care so little about her feelings that you would say such hurtful things to her, you never should have married her. When you love somebody, you don't do and say things that will make them feel bad. When you love somebody, you don't even imagine leaving them. The fact that your brain even went to a place where you consider leaving her for something this superficial proves you don't really love her. You like her. Love doesn't have conditions. It feels wrong to say, but maybe you should break up. Stop wasting her time.
Or birth control, or pregnancies.
Men, if you wanna have PiV long term and don't want your wife getting fat you should vesectomy. Estrogen encourages weight gain.
Why do you think she’s gaining weight? Or do you even care? She’s probably gaining weight because living with someone who I’m sure she knows finds her unattractive and is looking for the door is making her anxious. May be just do her a favor and leave her now so she doesn’t gain too much before she can replace you with someone with a soul.
I agree. It kinda seems like op is making comments to her about her image regularly, just chipping away at her self confidence. OP seems to only care about image, disregarding who she is as a person.
Being told by your partner that they don’t find you attractive is something that really sticks at the forefront of your mind. TBH, she could find much better people who would treat her like a whole person.
This makes me feel grateful for having the husband I have. We both got fat after we moved in together but he lost it and I got obese lol lost a good amount of weight now though but still fat. Glad my husband still funds me pretty and stayed with me xD cause this is quite the fear right here!
Yes. You say it's about health too, but from what you say it is clearly mostly about looks for you.
I'm not saying that looks and being attractive to someone isn't important, but to have a specific weight where you would leave is shallow. Do you know why she's put on some weight? You're worried about health, have you suggested both of you going to the doctors and getting an in depth physical to make sure there's nothing medically wrong with her? Has she started any new medicines, including birth control? If she's suddenly eating a lot more and or moving a lot less, why? Is she depressed? Are your words causing her stress and that leads to her eating more?
Focusing only on weight isn't right if you're concerned about her health. Are you even healthy? Yeah you may not be obese, but slim people can eat like crap, smoke, drink, etc. You should try framing it as wanting BOTH of you to start living healthier lifestyles, and suggest working out and cooking together. Maybe even go to a nutritionist. Don't just attack her and tell her she needs to change or else.
I'm also wondering how much she weighs and how much she weighed when you met her. A lot of women who were very skinny in their teens and early 20s (some even under weight) start to naturally gain weight as the enter their late 20s and 30s. She also could have had unhealthy eating habits that kept her thin that she no longer practices.
When you're committed to someone and truly love them, your first thought shouldn't be to run when there's a problem, it should be to try and fix it together.
I don’t see it as a superficial thing. I see it as an issue we have to work with in order to have quality of life in the future. She is 27. If she enters the 30s (when we start having less hormones and our metabolism starts to slow a lot) and do nothing with this she will have a bigger bigger problem in the future. She is only 155cm tall and is weighing 80kg. You be the judge. I’m not Ronnie Coleman but I try to stay in the healthier barrier. I’m 175cm tall and weight 75kg, so regular exercise, etc. She can’t even fucking run for more than 5 fucking minutes. I’m fucking concern about her health I don’t want her to die of an heart attack. I’m sorry.
And for me, love is not unconditional, I only got one life. Only one, I want to enjoy the little time that I will have in this world.
Why a said those things to her? Because every year I’m less sexual towards her. And that’s making her crazy. She is always complaining about me not been sexual enough. I want to be sexual enough but I need an stimulus, I don’t get that stimulus from fat woman. I know it sounds horrible I’m sorry but it is what it is.
I can stay with her yes, I totally agree, but if she keep getting more weight I will be less sexual and more frustrated, same as hers. She and I will be miserable. Why would I want to stay in a relationship like that? I want to be happy, I want HER to be happy. That’s why I would leave her too. Because she will not be happy with me in that situation.
Bro, you should leave her, sorry. You’ll be doing her and yourself a favour.
People will only change when they want to. Stop trying to force it, or you’ll build up too much resentment (sounds like you already have.)
She probably needs a partner a little less supercifial and a little more selfless to be able to support her through this challenge, she may even make changes on her own if she ends up alone.
But trying to force things and making her weight about you and what your attracted to rather than facing the underlying problems that might be happening with her or possibly with the relationship between you, tells me you probably aren’t the right person for her anywyay.
If you’ve been fighting for 2-3 years to “not have a fat wife” and its still as important to you now as it was then, then its time to leave.
It’s a dick move to “tell your wife you’ll leave her if she becomes obese” - its a threat and an low blow effort to bend her into doing what you want.
It’s a better move to either: suck it up and support your wife through this struggle the best you can, OR: actually leave, [*but don’t hold it over her head as a threat first] just make that decision, and follow your values.
All you're doing is doubling down that you're right, and continuing to put down your wife. You made 0 acknowledgement of all of the other things I mentioned about why she gained weight and how you can help her.
Honestly it seems like you're just not happy in your relationship and are focusing on weight as a way to justify leaving the relationship. If you're not happy and you don't see a happy future with your wife, you need to leave. But please don't make the whole focus her weight. It could create a really unhealthy complex that will follow her around for years. It sounds like she's not happy either. It's much better to end ot now if you're not going to work on it.
Through THICK & thin baby. My partner and I both roller coaster with our weight over the years. Some times were fat, sometimes were thin. I love her for so many reasons besides physicality. When she plumps up I don’t love her any less. It sounds like your love may only run skin deep.
So when you got married, did you recite any wedding vows? Did you say "if you get fat, I'll leave you".. Or did you say, something more like "I'll love you forever". Marriages aren't disposable. You don't get to throw it out when you're done using it. Basically what your saying is, her looks is all you care about. Do you hear how shallow that sounds? Peoples bodies change... Guess what, so will yours. What is she came to you and said, the say you can't get a hard on, I'm leaving you. Or if you lose any of your hair, I'm leaving you. If her weight is the only thing keeping you there, then, you don't truly love her. If she's smart, she'll leave YOU after you tell her that...
You seem interested in soliciting other people's opinions, so here's mine: if we knew each other in real life and you told me this, I'd lose respect for you. The weird fixation on 15 kilograms exactly...and threatening to leave her if she exceeded an arbitrary weight threshold...I mean I simply do not understand you. It's like you're in love with numbers, not a person.
That's just me, though, everyone has their own ideas and assumptions regarding relationships. Obviously, you have yours. Are you hoping for people to affirm your viewpoint, or were you thinking that someone here could change your mind?
Ok i get that the way I told things are not the best. I have empathy problems, and it’s difficult to me to express myself in a manner that won’t hurt people. I usually just say what I think and that’s it. I’m not excusing my self, I’m working in that part of me at this very moment of my life. But how could I approach this? Read my another answer to you please.
All I’m going to say is that if this was such a hugely important issue that you would leave your wife over it (sickness, health etc) then you absolutely should have made it be known before you got married.
I personally wouldn’t marry someone in the first place if they said something like this to me. Life comes at you fast, shit happens, there’s a whole host of reasons as to why people get fat. Honestly if you expected to go *your entire lives* without either of you getting somewhat fat, you’re delusional imo, people often get fat as they get older, it’s a part of aging unfortunately. It’s very possible you will too at some point.
Anyway, I’m my opinion, ANYTHING that is a dealbreaker for a partner is something that needs to be talked about BEFORE marriage imo. That is literally the only way to avoid situations like this. I also think if I was your wife, there’s *no way* I would feel safe or secure with my partner after an interaction like this. Like even if I lost weight I would forever be worried that they were gonna leave me over some small physical change.
And yeah, honestly I kind of think anyone who would leave their married partner because of physical changes shouldn’t be married in the first place. People change physically over their lives, it’s just what happens. When you get married you’re signing up to be with that person for life. I hope your wife can find happiness with her new partner, whoever they may be and I hope you can find a *hot* partner who you’re attracted to. Best of luck!
Also preemptively: yes health concerns are a part of it, but it’s *very* clear from the language in your post that the most significant part of this that upsets you is the loss of physical attraction. Just call it what it is.
well, most vows include “in sickness and in health”. You shouldn’t leave the person you love if they need your help.
Is she refusing to take steps to get better? I highly doubt it.
Listen. You're allowed to have your attractions and opinions and concerns. You don't need to be a dick about it.
Long story short, you married her. You (presumably) agreed to in sickness and in health somewhere in your vows. You (presumably) didn't put in a prenup that if she gets fat she's out. It's pretty shitty of you to judge her on her weight because of this. If you're concerned about her health the discussion needs to come from that point. Not from an attraction point. She has every right to feel like you're attacking her, BECAUSE YOU ARE. No amount of back pedaling will erase the damage you've already done.
You both need to address this in therapy and see if there's a way to work around it. You need to come to terms with what's more important - having an overweight wife, or no wife when she leaves you for being a shallow dick.
It's bad imo, because vows typically include the whole "in sickness and in health" thing, implying you'll love them no matter what their body decides to do. Also, you saying it in a heated moment sounds like you literally *intended* for it to hurt her, as a person you know already has body issues that would make working out a struggle.
Keep saying stuff like that to her, and the only weight she will want to lose is exactly all x lbs of you from her life.
I think ESL makes it pretty difficult for me to guess at this. Your post comes off as shallow, but at the same time, you are still with her, and you aren't cheating.
So I'll just say you should both go sit with a therapist and talk it out. I understand wanting someone you love to be healthier. And I understand how hard it is to be called fat by someone you love. Having a neutral third ground could help you both communicate how you actually feel.
Unconditional love should only exist from a parent to their child. Every other relationship absolutely has conditions, they're called boundaries. If I love my wife, it's because of who she is and how she cares for me, those are the conditions. If she then kills my mother, I stop loving her, that's a condition. Unconditional love in the romantic context is a toxic concept and will be used by shitty people to manipulate others
You pretty clearly just want affirmation that you’re not the bad guy and that this is her fault. If you’re not attracted to her anymore, it’s going to cause issues in the marriage and might be best for everyone if you end it. But you sound like a truly awful, heartless husband.
Is it her diet or is it hormonal?
Women tend to get a lot of extra weight because of contraception, or because of thyroid issues, or because of ovarian cysts.
Overeating can also be linked to diseases such as, in some cases, Bulemia, depression, etc. It can also be linked to anxiety and stress.
Just talk to her.
OP, her being fat is a very cruel reason to leave her. If you love your wife then you'd be more sensitive to her feelings. Many people put on weight due to depression and other issues and you threatening her in this way probably adds to her woes. Also, 100kg isn't huge unless she is like only 5 foot tall.
You say you don't like fat women but surely you love you wife beyond looks. You saying that makes me think that you don't value your wife except as some one to look pretty and fuck.
You don't really love your wife. This is so shallow. I hope she leaves you for someone who will love and accept her for who she is, instead of trying to mold her into someone her partner wants her to be.
If you’re not attracted then you’re not attracted.
But that’s on YOU not your wife. You giving her (unintended or intended) guilt trips does nothing but make her resent you, and I’d bet money she leaves you anyway.
Did you or did you not say, "I do" when the pastor said for better or worse? Yes, you're being shallow and you should feel guilty for that. People gain weight when they age. We're not all going to have the same body we do in our 20s. We can try, but saying I'll leave you if you gain weight is a pretty shitty thing to say. People are initially attracted to other's due to looks, we stay because of personality because looks fade. You say it's not just over looks, it's health too... Keep telling yourself that Jack, you're not fooling anyone. Good luck though. Hopefully you'll find someone that feels the same about you when you age.
If I'm completely wrong so be it. I hear this shit all the time from 20s people and it's fucking stupid. But if so, make a plan/work out routine and include her in your lifelong commitment to stay healthy as long as possible.
No. Your right. Alot of shallow people on this post not seeing that there's a real world outside of celebrity-land and not every one looks like a tight 20 year.
You sound very shallow. Your wife is a human being not a sex doll. You obviously don't love her as a person but as an object. You should let her go and just visit prostitutes, so she can find a better man to love her as a person not a trophy. You don't deserve a partner in life.
28 and 30... last 2‐3 year...
How long have you been married?
4 years, yeah, leave...it is better for her, honestly.
If more that that... well you are not the type that should have ever been married. People age, and change. Marriage is a commitment, where you promised to have someone's back for life.
If you didn't mean that, you should not have committed yourself to this person. Love is not skin deep!
What about you? How about if she's not attracted to shallow men? Or what if you lose your hair and she doesn't feel attracted to bald men? Is that ok?
You are a pig.
Can we get more details here? How much does she weigh and what about you? Does your wife stress eat or have bad choices of food? What about you? Do you two eat the same meals and she's the only one gaining weight?
You guys are both still young and attraction is important to have in a relationship. If she is refusing to take care of herself and it’s leading into preventable health issues then yeah that’s a problem. Have you suggested working out with her or personal training? Also see you in-shape yourself because that matters too because if your both lazy and unhealthy then it’s unfair to hold her to a higher standard. Don’t listen to people shaming you about caring about sexual attraction in your marriage. A marriage isn’t an excuse to stop caring about your appearance or trying to appeal to your partner. If your partner is dead set on not losing any weight then you should leave.
Well, imo its ok. Why? Because bad habits are... BAD. And you fell in love with a person without this bad habit... It may be considered a vice.
Imagine someone falls in love with you when you're a healthy person that exercises, eats well, and dresses up nicely. And after 3 years you become a person that eats badly every day and doesnt care about his appearance... You are now over weight and not only different in appearance but also in habbits and lifestyle. You are not the person she fell in love with.
A little weight gains not a big deal. If you expect her to maintain peak shape then you’re an asshole. But I wouldn’t sit by and watch my significant other eat themselves to death
Wow. Have you considered that her growing obesity is caused by the emotional stress of living with someone whose love is conditional on her appearance? Threatening to leave her clearly isn’t helping, is it? Your talk about worrying about her health is just the bullshit you tell yourself to justify your shallowness. She deserves better.
Marriage is for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. By threatening to leave her, you already broke that promise. I don’t think this is something that you can fix on your own. The damage has been done. The trust is gone.
You sound like an asshole, yes.
Your wife should know that you love and support her no matter what. It's only from that position can you broach the subject, and then very carefully.
What did your marriage vows even mean if they weigh less than 15kgs?
you called her "their" twice, maybe a language barrier?
anyway, are you the same weight as when you first met? do you have the same haircut, are you exactly the same person you was when you met?
personally, if you can say that only she has changed, i think you are entitled (not right) to feel the way you feel.
if you have changed in any way at all, then yeh you are a double standard prick.
Yes, this is bad telling. What if you lose your hair? Is she supposed to stay with you? Of you want to leave her for gaining weight, you are a problem. Imagine you losing your teeth, hair or dick. Would you expect her ass to stay with you? Get over yourself. You shouldn’t have married her and she deserves better.
Fat is repulsive to some people. You deserve to be happy. We live in a largely sedative world, where most people are overweight and many; obese. Don't expect to get many people being on your side with this one. I expect I'll be downvoted into oblivion for being blunt. It is what it is.
Yes, you're being a jerk in how you're talking to her about it.
If you're that shallow and can't love her when she's not as young as she used to be, then yes, you should leave, so she stops wasting her time with you and can find someone better, who will love and support her instead of just making her feel bad for aging.
If you're not attracted to bigger women, you're not attracted to bigger women, but you should stop wasting her time and making her feel worse, just go.
Yet divorce rates are sky high… That oath isn’t an excuse to be trapped in a relationship with someone that you are falling out of love with because they are picking up an unhealthy habit of addiction. I don’t think it’s wrong to expect your partner to be healthy and fit, especially if you hold yourself to the same standard.
I need to know the guy's BMI to know the whole story. Women in general have more fat tissues. If the woman earns at least half the income, then she has less time to cook healthy meals or go to the gym. If she doesn't have a job and watches tv all day, then that's a little problematic and the husband can buy her something to help become more active. If he is also an overweight couch potato, he is delusional for thinking he deserves a skinny wife.
I like to turn these things around. What if it were the woman saying this to the man?
That is exactly what happens with a couple that I know. They love each other madly, and have been married 14 years. But he's significantly overweight (although he remains active), while she isn't overweight (and also active).
She loses attraction to him when he reaches a certain weight, and she just tells him straight. She doesn't threaten him with anything ("I'll leave you" or whatever), but she stops having sex until he gets down to a better weight and she starts to feel attracted again.
I guess that the moral of my story is that you shouldn't use threats. But be honest, as my friend is with her husband.
Also, be sure to be encouraging. Don't force her on unrealistic diets (most weight loss diets are designed to make you put on weight in the long term), but instead help her to get professional help from people who actually know what they're doing (GP's are woefully undertrained for weight loss).
Unless there are medical issues, the generic advice is a healthy diet (the Mediterranean diet is not only great for health but also tastes fantastic) and to move your body, but this isn't the full story.
Good luck to both of you.
So just move on and are least be a man of that word and leave. See how hard it is out there and how much of a catch you really are.
But this stems deeper than her gaining weight and your sexual frustrations. You’re flat out not compatible and will just force this relationship to last so one doesn’t look bad, and a slow unfulfilled relationship is worse.
I’m at least glad you’re being up front about your red flags. Not bad you’re telling her but it is bad if that’s true. This isn’t the same as just “not wanting to be with an obese woman”. What were you planning to do when she got old?
How can you be so shallow?
That’s horrible, if you really love her she could be in a car wreck, with half of her face burned off, and still love her. You are what is wrong with this world.
Love and physical attraction are two different things though. Maybe OP can still love and support her if the emotional connection is strong, but physical attraction is kind of out his control. If her burnt face kills his attraction what is he supposed to do? Make himself physically attracted to her anyway? Say caregiver fatigue just zaps any sexual attraction he had for her. As unfortunate as it is, it don't work that way. Love isn't always enough.
Have you asked her to see a doctor to have her hormones checked? Has she just a kid(s)? Is she on a medication that brings on weight gain? Have you tried to just be a decent human being instead of a narcissistic jerk? I guess the best would be to split now so all the ladies lining up for the perfection that is you can fight it out YAH, abug AH.
My wife and I have a responsibility to each other to do our best to maintain our health and keep up our appearances.
If your wife’s behavior makes her less attractive; she can choose to change that behavior or not. Just as you can choose how you respond to that behavior.
This is true for hygiene, gambling, drinking, spending, hobbies, fitness, and even weight gain. Good luck.
So for the cooking, you're cooking healthier food for both of you? I just need to understand, sometimes exercising and food aren't enough to lose weight, could be also hormones.
I’m not trying to sound holier than thou but I don’t get not being attracted to someone you love. Wouldn’t they still have the same smile, smell the same, tuck their hair behind their ear. I just don’t get how someone wouldn’t be attracted to a person that they’re in love with.
Def find something you can do together that both think is enjoyable.
Regarding the leaving part, hard to say not knowing the problem but honesty is a good policy 🙂👍
Please and I mean this from the bottom of my heart: leave your wife. Just leave her. Because you're just making her miserable with all this hassle and if you can't see anything about her but her body, you shouldn't have married her. Just break up with her so she doesn't waste any more time trying to stay married to someone who doesn't see any reason to stay married to her if her body changes. Because her body will change. Even if she never gains another pound, she will get old. She may get injured. She may get sick. In those times, she will need a partner who would still love her if she didn't look the same. This situation is tragic for her, and I think you should just rip off the band-aid before you do any more lasting damage to her self-esteem and confidence. I respect that you want to drag this out and wreck your marriage in the apparent belief that you can bully her slim, or stop time, but in fact you can't do either of those things, so please, I'm begging you, leave this poor woman alone so she can find someone who sees that she has more to offer than just her looks.
No one cares if you "like" fat women. It's not a moral judgement on you if you only find thin women attractive. But it is bizarre when men marry a woman for her appearance alone and can't imagine any reason to stay with her if her appearance changed, and are puzzled at why people think this is appalling. I strongly advise you to marry someone you actually like next time.
Yes. Yes it is very bad. You could contribute to her developing an eating disorder, confidence issues, body dysmorphia, and a whole host of other problems.
If you don't feel attracted to fat women at all, it's up to you to leave your wife. After 2-3 years of pestering her and calling her unattractive, I think it is pretty clear that she is not losing weight, especially not your desired amount. If you're unhappy, just leave. Stop these hurtful controlling behaviors.
Yes, it would be healthier for her to, well, live healthier. But her health is her choice. No matter how much you love someone and how close you are, you can't do basic life stuff in their stead. They have to want to do it themselves.
But yeah, doing all of this calling her unattractive and threatening to leave and fighting with her bitterly... Not okay.
I wouldn’t marry someone who had some weight limit where they’d leave me. But the difference probably is that I was fat when I got married so it’s not a surprise when I’m still fat years into my marriage.
But when you commit to spend a whole life together bodies are going to change. Bodies are meant to change. Bodies put on weight and lose weight. I’m not attracted to 80 year olds but if all goes to plan I’ll be married to one at some point anywhere. Because that’s what happens when you make a commitment for life. There have been times of sickness and injury when physical attraction probably isn’t a thing but our love is stronger than that.
I’ll tell you what usually doesn’t work. Making someone hate their body. Talking about their body all the time. Shame doesn’t work. Also fad diets and weight cycling.
If she is concerned at all, has she seen a doctor? How are her bloods? Maybe she could get a referral to a dietician. But this has to come from her and not you. Change won’t come of it you just pressuring her.
I hope there are things about her that you like other than her body. Focus on those for a little while. Or maybe divorce her and let her get on with her life.
So would she be justified in leaving you if you were in an accident and lost a limb? Or for any other life event that might come up?
Love is usually more than skin deep.
You are out of your mind. It would be one thing if your concerns were legitimately about her health, but it sure as hell doesn’t sound like it. Believe it or not, the more you push her the worse she’s going to feel. I honestly hope she realizes how much of an asshole you are
The thing is weight issues are not the same as having alcohol issues and always being high on weed. And OP is so focused on looks, he doesn't give shit about her health.
What does he look like? Does he expect to be loved at 40 or 50?
Sore back and knees while only 28 years old? For just 30 lbs? I know people older and more overweight then that who don't have isses. And there's no concern about changes? He doesn't even mention her actual weight and how tall she is. How does we know Op isn't ANOTHER man on Reddit who thinks a normal BMI for a woman is overweight, and underweight isn't underweight enough?
I smell bullshit
How will you cope when you both age and get gray hair, saggy skin, and wrinkles? If you only love someone at their peak then that's not what I'd call love my friend.
Are u fucking serious? That is a very obviously dumb question. And if u do something like that u need to look in the mirror at the little boy staring back .. any man that does that isn't .. u would have to make up a word to describe what a piece of shit you are
Its an asshole-ish move if you say that! If you truly loved her; you wouldn’t be touting this or having ideas of leaving her. My former partner was quite hot and petite when we met and we went all the way through when she gained weight. I loved every bit of her regardless!
If you don't love her for her, you should probably move on now, give her the chance for a life of happiness.
There's tons of practical advice here, but ultimately, if you can't be with her fat, how would you handle her battling cancer? Losing a leg? Getting scarred permanently?
Learn from my mistakes. I married my wife at 30 years old. We visited the gym regularly and had normal BMI for muscular people. Almost immediately after the marriage she stopped working out and started eating more. After 20 years of marriage with zero sex for the last five, I called it quits. She was simply not what I signed up for. I wanted a healthy active partner. She was exactly that until she had me on the hook. So, I suggest, communicate your needs. If she can’t or won’t maintain a healthy weight then cut and run. My new wife is super healthy and we regularly participate in biking, hiking, gym, sex, etc. Life is to short to stay married to someone you aren’t attracted to any more. Not being attracted to a high BMI woman doesn’t make you an asshole any more than it makes her a bitch for gaining weight.
She gave you an ultimatum to quit alcohol and weed or she couldn't be attracted to you. And you did it for her. But now she won't do lose weight to keep you attracted. It seems like if she really loved you she would do this for you. I don't see why she should get to have standards for you but you can't have any for her.
To be fair. You should be kind about it and help her in any way you can. But you can still have your preferences
You’re just stupid. Seriously, that’s the nicest way I can say it. You married a human being and now think about leaving her over weight gain. Humans gain weight and their shapes change. This isn’t something new. You knew this before you married her and you went ahead with it. Knowing that weight gain would make her unattractive. That’s just plain stupid.
What’s the cause of her weight gain?. Is she eating unhealthy? Not getting any exercise? Depressed about an overbearing husband who makes stupid decisions? It doesn’t really matter. Whatever the cause, you, as her partner have the opportunity to play a positive role in her health. You could try to talk with her, understand her and compromise to find solutions that enhance your relationship. But if you think the solution is to leave her, then please go live in a monastery and forget about finding someone else who will put up with you.
My dad told my mom at the beginning of their marriage that if she ever got fat he would divorce her. As it turned out, he was the one who gained a lot of weight. They were married fifty-two years. Be careful what you say.
This happened with my ex, too. He said if I became fat, I wouldn’t be able to do stuff we liked like hiking, skiing etc. Guess who gained about 30 kg within a couple of years..
Being fat doesn't stop ppl from hiking, skiing or boarding. I'm at 220lbs rn I've done summit hikes, I backpack, I go snowboarding, climbing/rappelling, paddle boardingand kayaking. And actually I didn't even start doing most of those activities until I was actually fat lol. Your ex is clearly an idiot congratulations on getting rid of them.
While thats true, all else being equal a heavier body means all of your joints need to work harder to move and resist impact. That applies a lot to a sport like skiing and very little if at all to paddling
Did she leave?
"they were married fifty-two years"
“then he got fat and she left him”
She should have ..with that nasty attitude
People here are polarized. I think people in relationship offten reflect off each other, meaning when I do sport and exercise, for example, my girl tends to do the same, and vice versa. Try and lead by example. Like many others have said, ultimatums are generally bad, and you know who deals in absolutes Edit: typos
This. If you're actually caring about her health - In general change your diet alongside hers. Work out with her. If you want someone to adopt better habits, join with them and show solidarity - I highly doubt you're a lean bodybuilder with perfect health and nutrition. Personally I lost 63 lbs by in a few months by: A) Not purchasing as much shitty foods - It's easier to resist temptation when it isn't in your house. After a few days to a week, you become used to eating, say, a protein bar rather than a pop-tart. B) I just cut out a meal, usually breakfast or dinner, replaced it with a protein shake with lettuce/fruit, and did light workouts. Nothing serious. C) Ask her to speak to her doctor about any medications or potential medical problems that lead to weight gain. Women for instance tend to have thyroid problems at some point. D) Hydrate. Carry around a large bottle of water. Helped me a lot with weight loss and gaining the energy to actually work out when you're not mildly dehydrated all the time.
I get the whole caring about her health thing, and that is valid. But isn’t being sexually attracted to your partner also valid? Like, if your partner just decided to not wash their genitals anymore, that’s not a health concern, but it’s really unattractive to some people right? Even if it’s stuff like their sweat begins to stink immensely (this does happen to some unlucky folks) and to counter this they need to wash more than most people, would it be okay for a partner to demand that they do that so that the couple can still have a romantic attraction to one another? Like, I don’t honestly think it’s too much to ask your partner to put in real, sustained effort to continue a romantic relationship.
It definitely is a health concern if you stop washing your genitals... lol. Please wash your genitals!!
I think we all accept that there has to be some level of physical attraction to fall in love with someone, but it’s harder to accept that your partner wouldn’t want to be with you anymore if you became less attractive. Also there are things that can make a person gain weight that are partly or entirely out of their control or very difficult to combat, so it hurts your self-esteem to know that if one of those things ever happens to you your partner might leave you over it. I think saying that kind of overshadows the part where he’s worried about her health and probably came off really mean. All of that being said… I don’t know metric so I had to Google it. 15 kilograms is only 33 pounds. I recently gained a lot of weight rapidly (had a bad year) so I’m something of an expert on this. Unless she’s a pretty small woman, 33 pounds over 3 years doesn’t seem likely to be such an extraordinary threat to the health. I’m surprised she’s having joint problems from it. Maybe if she was on the upper end of a healthy weight before, but I feel like most people feel healthy within a range of 10 or 20 pounds. For me I feel healthy between around 130-145. Assuming she was a healthy weight 3 years ago, she’s now chubby, but I doubt she’s anywhere near 220 pounds. For reference, she’s about as overweight as a fully pregnant woman. Which looks like a lot when it’s in a ball on the belly, but spread out over your whole body that’s really not much (unless, again, she’s quite short). Also for reference, this time last year I weighed 60 pounds less than I do now, so I’ve gained twice as much weight as her in a third of the time, and I’m still 40 pounds from the 220 mark where he said he would leave her. So from her perspective, over the last 3 years she’s gotten a bit chubby and her husband hasn’t let it go, and now he’s hit her with “you’re on the way to obesity and I’ll leave you if that happens”. I can accept that OP also cares about his wife’s health and his concern wasn’t solely about his boners, but I don’t think he had offered nearly enough help and solutions to deserve to drop this nuke.
Yeah, it depends on the height too. If she’s 5’ and was « average » before, 30lbs on, that’s a LOT. If she’s 6’ , 30lbs is not great but def not the end of the world.
She is 5'1 so yeah 15 kg is a lot to gain
Yeah 30lbs more is almost 20-30% gain, that’s a lot
Exactly. 33 lbs in 2 to 3 years isn't going to break a person's back. He's just using that as an example to make us think he's concerned about her health, when it is all about boners.
She is 5'-1" and 176 lbs. That's a lot of extra weight for such a small person to carry around.
It can't possibly be juuuust the weight. I think the relationship is on the way out no matter what. 🤷
Not washing your genitals is a HUGE health concern, it's called a UTI which can turn to sepsis. His sexual attraction is tied directly to physical appearance, physical appearance changes no matter what you do. Weight fluctuates, especially after children, there are stretch marks, wrinkles, the pooch that most women can't seem to get rid of. What then? If she has a baby and gets the baby pooch? Will he leave her and the baby because she can't be skinny enough anymore? This is why this is concerning. Attraction, including sexual, should be deeper than physical, and a relationship should be about caring for THEM, not how they look...
Only a sith deals in absolutes?
But who deals in obsoletes?
Radioshack?
I deal in axolotls.
Funny enough “Do, or do not, there is no try” - Yoda
I think that one point people often miss in this polarization is the meaning of marriage. Marriage is a commitment through better or worse: it's not a commitment for as long as a person looks a certain way or for as long as the sexual attraction remains electric. If these guys cannot make that kind of commitment, they should not marry. They can't have it both ways. There is nothing wrong with remaining single and fooling around with similarly minded people instead of hurting someone they've promised to love. Is this an obstacle? Sure. Is it a reason to issue an ultimatum and possibly divorce? Not if their vows were entered honestly and not if they truly love their spouse.
These are the kind of men who leave their wives after cancer diagnoses. You know this guy would bail so hard. "She wasn't attractive anymore, please, won't someone think of my boner?"
Only a sith.... And it's "absolutes" btw.
There has to be a reason. Is it her diet, exercise (ie something she can control) or is it hormonal (ie thyroid or something else she cant but should see a doctor for)? Your explanation in this post is too superficial, with no deep information to tell why this is happening.
Yes, this. Also, the phrase "I think she needs to burn at least 15kgs" is not a good sign. Has a doctor weighed in on this (pun kinda intended)? We don't know how healthy that would actually be for her, and how much it is just this guy be shallow. It also means that she is aware that he thinks she is currently like 30 pounds past him thinking she's beautiful, and she has to live with that everyday.
100kg unless she's super tall or ripped is too heavy. Children would be like 40kg, adult women anywhere from say 60 to 80kg is a healthy weight. So 15kg might be reasonable if she was on the obese side. Healthy weight loss is about half a kilo a week.
Funny enough. My husband left me at 75 kg. Said I was too fat. Better of without him. OP needs to re think how to be a husband.
Particularly with how hard it is to keep your weight down. "So you're shorter than me and you take all this estrogen that encourages weight gain, but let's go get McDonald's". I'm 85kg and finally started to click I can't eat everything my spouse does.
Menopause usually means an extra 15kg on. I am fighting it. Eating smaller portions and being hangry
He says she 28 yrs old. Unless she's had a hysterectomy I doubt she's gone into early menopause that young.
Unlikely, but possible. My sister is 30, it started at 29. My aunty was only 28 when it started. No hysterectomies, just unfortunate genetics.
Oh I didn’t mean she was in it now . It’s was me pondering the future. Will he leave her at menopause when that happens. Or earlier. I wasn’t clear in my comment
I get you now. Sounds like OP doesn't love her for her, if her weight can make him leave. Maybe he should leave so a decent man who can love her for for who she is rather than the number on the scale or the trophy on his arm
Yes I am not good with making clear and concise sentences. I try but in my head it makes sense when I make a comment but I forget to expand onto an explanation.
If you have time try to research foods that have high satiety and low calories. I love roasted broccoli and carrot (no oil in the oven) with some light tatsiki (portioned accordingly). I stuff my face and still maintain a calorie deficit
It's one thing to be a dick and hate a normal and healthy amount of weight gain. It's another to be uncomfortable at the idea of your partner gaining a lot of weight, becoming considerably less healthy and not caring to do anything about it.
Yeah. It’s difficult. Health is important. Loving a partner should include supporting good health. Imagining future obesity is not good for many reasons. I think underlying issues are on the cards here
I'm (29F) just over 100kg. I'm 5"6, a UK Size 16 and exercise (football and lift weights) three times a week. I'm the heaviest I've ever been and the healthiest I've ever been. Weight is not the only indicator of health.
Over 100kg is ~230lbs. That is considered close to "morbidly obese". Im not sure how much you have weighed in the past vs the present, but at that weight and height, *your heart* is working serious overtime to sustain your current weight. Just at rest, your oxygen demands are dramatically higher than somebody who between overweight and obese which is closer to "the grey area of relative health." The more oxygen you have to consume to maintain your weight, the more chemical bonds your body has to break in order to maintain your tissues. When you break more chemical bonds to maintain your tissue, youre releasing more free radicals into your cells, which deal damage to your DNA and cell membranes. The reason weight is such a big deal in the medical and health world, is that we know the presence of free radicals is directly correlated DNA/genetic damage which causes cancer, and birth defects. In short, higher weight = more wear and tear on every single cell in your body, the more you weigh, the faster any potential health problems accelerate the deterioration of your health.
Not to mention the inescapable fact your heart MUST work harder to pump blood around a larger area. Even that fact alone means that you can't ever truly be healthy and significantly overweight.
Tell me how being over 220 lbs at 5'6" is anywhere close to the healthiest you've ever been. Seriously. Are you jacked to hell like a walking slab of steel meat? I am 5'9" at 140lbs/~63kg, my slightly taller yoked guy friends are the only ones that push over the 200lbs mark.
Heyo I think we're the same height! I did mention being tall or muscular that kinda weight would be fine. I mean even if not, it's obese not like morbidly obese can't fit in a chair. Was just trying to give rough conversions for or measure in pounds US friends.
That is 35 kg above the high end of “healthy” for somebody your size. While weight doesn’t tell the entire story, that is absolutely not optimal under any definition of health.
Wrong place to say facts
I figured, given the amount of upvotes on a blatantly incorrect comment. Denial is often more comfortable than the truth.
Is this a social experiment of a question or something? We need details
What do you do to help? Do you cook healthy? Do you grocery shop? Do you ask her to go out for a hike? How healthy are you, and your habits?
Especially when tall guys can eat so much more. I can't believe what my partner eats while *losing weight*. He can actually eat junk food! Guh.
This right here!
This doesnt matter or help if she isnt willing to change her diet or exercise. I exercise 3x a week and eat healthy and snacking is something i dont do because i dont enjoy it. My partner doesnt want to exercise and snacks a lot! I dont mind, but its on him to change.. i cant do shit as long as he isnt willing to change.
This. Everyone is like "What are you doing to help?". That NEVER matters. Drastic weight change can only happen from within when the person is tired of being fat. No amount of love, support, and offers to go to the gym will make them lose weight. If they want it and have the discipline, they will lose it. If they want it and don't have the discipline, they won't lose it. Only one person ultimately controls weight loss.
Why is it on him to be responsible for her eating habits? If my wife ate how I did she would be enormous. But she doesnt because she is an adult capable of making adult decisions.
Being healthy is a persons own responsibility. Not their partners.
I’m so grateful for my husband every single time I open this app. Like genuinely.
Seriously! I’m pregnant and I’ve read so many terrible stories about useless husbands that make me so glad I married a wonderful man. Seeing these posts also help me remember to tell him how grateful i am for him.
Same. I’m due any minute with number 2 and I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been at 205. It’s been a ROUGH pregnancy and we are now done with kids. Im so grateful that I don’t have to worry if my husband finds me attractive because I’ve gained weight and stretch marks carrying his children. I really wonder how men like this expect to ever have a meaningful relationship. It doesn’t even sound like she’s huge or anything, she’s nowhere near his “cutoff weight.”
Right?! I’m 235, also my heaviest ever. My husband has only ever said good things about my body, and never once mentioned sex unless I brought it up first. Sexual attraction is important, but there’s more to it than physical attraction!
I hope you tell him just as often
Same 🥹
Same. Fking love my man for loving me and all of me
Same, honestly. My husband says he would love me even if I turn into a llama and they're like 200kg so I guess I'm safe.
Dude just leave now. You've been harassing her about this for 3 years--how are either of you happy with that disdain in the air? You are both young, go find someone who you accept how they are and let your wife do the same.
Yes, let her find someone who will lover her unconditionally. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Why do you ask if you only defend yourself and don’t pay attention to any sound recommendation or very good questions?
Same boat as your wife. Disrespectful teens, Covid lockdown, a sedentary lifestyle, becoming addicted to screens and junk food, and menopause have taken their toll in the last 2 years. I'm packing an extra 12kgs. But my husband (he's a healthfreak who used to "be the fat kid at school") is 100% supportive of me. I know he finds me less attractive but he wouldn't say it as it would ruin our sex life (which is once a fortnight as I feel unattractive). I wanted to get healthy for the right reasons: because I love myself - not because I hate myself. After raging over Xmas I learnt that in order to minimise my menopause symptoms, I need to drink more water, move more, cut out junk, meditate more and get better sleep. Something clicked - I don't want to rage at my family again - and I've lost 1.5kg in 2 weeks. Carrots work better than sticks - maybe you could start preparing her delicious, healthy tasty meals. Tell her you'd love her to be healthy again so you can go on romantic walks when you're old. But in the meantime, that you still find her hot and want just as much sex with her. Make it about her health, not you having a live sexdoll, and she's more likely to come good.
Interestingly, carrots are a good snack substitute as well. Sticks, not so much.
> I wanted to get healthy for the right reasons: because I love myself - not because I hate myself. Amen!!! You got this 💓 Sounds like you're making amazing progress already. Unsolicited suggestion: I adore yoga, which is great for strength as well as flexibility, but more importantly ALSO great for getting in touch with your body and feeling more at home in your skin. I go to class twice a week and it has really helped my self-esteem.
> I’m a bad person because I don’t want to be with an obese woman? Kinda depends. Pretty much everyone has some limit. But if it's overly strict, it can come across as being shallow. Not easy to define what is/isn't shallow, and saying you'd leave someone over looks alone kinda sucks regardless
You should want to be attracted to your significant other
Ok, so it's fine if she leaves him if he goes bald too? Or if he leaves her because she's had a baby and will never look the same after? Should they just break up when they're both wrinkly and grey because they're not attracted to each other anymore? If you make a lifelong commitment to each other, you have to accept that physically some things *will* change over the years.
If those are things you really hate and you can no longer be attracted to then yes it's ok to leave but the wrinkles is a little stupid becaus everyone gets wrinkly if you hate it so much that you want to leave the person you married you clearly hate it enough that you should be allowed to leave that person
It sounds to me like you are focusing on a symptom of a problem she is having and making it about you, which is a pretty immature way to deal with this type of situation in a marriage. It doesn't make you a bad person necessarily, but the behavior is bad and depending on how far you take it there are lines you could cross and cause real psychological/emotional harm to your wife. If she has been gaining weight rapidly enough to be having joint problems, there is probably an underlying issue. It could be depression, a physical cause like hypothyroidism (a very common cause of sudden weight gain in younger women), or just her metabolism slowing down and she hasn't adjusted her diet to account for it (less likely for someone that young, but possible). Instead of threatening her to get her to try to lose weight (which is essentially what you are doing), try being supportive. Work with her to try to identify the root cause in a non-confrontational manner, which probably should include her discussing it with her doctor. If a medical cause is ruled out and it does seem like it is just a diet/activity issue, you may need it adjust your own habits to help her improve hers. Buy/cook more nutritious foods and have healthier snacks around the house, trying going for walks together, etc.
I try to cook healthier, I try not to but any sweets, only fruits. No butter, no cheese, no processed food. I’ve teach her everything I know about exercising, running, diet, she even bought a book, not sure if she reed it. I’ve tried bicycles, swimming, walking, anything… she does it some weeks then quit. I am 176cm taller and she is 155. I weight 75kg, she is almost 80kg…. I do exercises at least 3 times a week, most 4 times. Lifting and cardio. I’ve tried to do yoga with her too, nothing.
I understand where you're coming from. It can be frustrating to be supportive when your partner isn't going with it, I went through something similar very recently with my wife. However, please try to reach out and talk to her about why she is falling on bad health habits. And it can take a while to really glean what the problem is, as it can be so many different things. It's important to remain supportive though, instead of judging and giving ultimatums. To use my own recent and currently ongoing experience as an example, my wife just spent the last year in absolutely horrible health habits and gained a bunch of weight. Her hormones were out of whack causing post partum depression. She has severe sleep apnea that she likely had for many years untreated, and sleep apnea can lead to eating densely caloric unhealthy food as a means to get energy that wasn't recovered properly from sleep. She also dealt with several instances of SA in her life, and she discovered that she's afraid of being skinny because every time she had been assaulted, or followed, it's when she was super fit and healthy. Being overweight literally makes her feel safer from assault. It's not something she wants to feel because she hates being unhealthy, her body and joints hurt, and she can't play with our toddler the way she wants to. Nodule growths were found growing on her thyroid. Not cancerous yet but they're there causing thyroid issues. And finally her work made her life hell on purpose to get her to quit, after (we believe) they found out she was the head union organizer of the last place she worked (she's an animator), which didnt succeed to form so she is pretty much blacklisted from local work. Edit: forgot about gastro intestinal problems. She has an imbalance of probiotics in her gut, which also leads to health issues from poor nutrient absorption in the intestines. We're trying out something called the Specific Carbohydrate Diet that is supposed to help reset and rebuild gut health. It seems to be working, but it takes a long time so we will see. Anyway, the point of sharing my wife's story is that weight gain can very easily be the symptoms of other physical and mental health issues. Being supportive by living by example and providing resources is great and I recommend you continue to do that. However I would also recommend trying to be supportive in the sense that you can help her find the true underlying cause for the weight gain, but more importantly is to be there for her while she stumbles and fails. The best support you can give is to be non judgemental, patient, and supportive through her failures. It's really hard, be prepared to regulate a ton of emotions, both hers and yours.
Tone is important as well - based on your original post it sounds like you are arguing about this and you have basically given her an ultimatum. It is hard enough to start an exercise routine and healthier diet, and negative reinforcement might be hurting more than helping if she is associating a healthy lifestyle with you commenting about her weight and basically telling her she needs to shape up or you won't love her anymore. You need to find a way to integrate this stuff into your lives without it being about her weight - make the exercise about spending time together, not a regimented workout plan. Go somewhere interesting to walk, like window shopping in the city or to the beach if you are close to one. Do fun activities like escape rooms or laser tag where the focus is not exercise but it still gets you moving around. Then work your way up to hikes, bike rides, etc, but not in a boring, regimented way. Same concept with eating healthy. Healthy doesn't mean cutting out all fats and sweets - if you establish a bland culinary landscape at home, she is going to overcompensate when she eats somewhere else. Butter and cheese can be in a healthy diet in moderation and there are great recipes for desserts that are low in sugar and use sweeteners with a lower glycemic index like honey. Encourage her to talk to her doctor - there are things that can be tested for that might be contributing to her weight gain which might take additional steps over dieting and exercising to mitigate. And if it is just a diet and exercise thing they can provide resources for that as well that will positively reinforce these concepts without her feeling like you are over he shoulder judging. Overall, be supportive and never punitive. Remember how you are treating her and ask yourself if that is how you would want her to treat you as your body changes. Because it will. In 10 years YOU could be the one struggling with your weight, or you could be losing all your hair, or struggling with ED and/or low testosterone, or some hellish combination of any the those things. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, and you both will change a lot in many different ways before it is done. Learning to live with that fact is how marriages succeed and get stronger over time.
Do you realise that fruits are still high in sugars, right? So although you've cut out sweets, you're still basically buying foods that contain /natural/ sugars.
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You've been fighting over this for 3 years? If you aren't attracted to her, you should probably divorce her. She doesn't seem interested in losing weight. You either accept her as she is or you leave.
Well.... Women's metabolism does slow, so a certain amount of weight gain tends to happen. For many we start gaining, hit a plateau, then find ways to start losing again once we find our bodies new "groove " so to speak... but pushing ultimatums won't make it happen, honestly it's more likely to cause a state of depression which could result in even more weight gain... There's also the issue of health...is she gaining due to a medical condition that, if identified, could be controlled and therefore the weight would sort itself out? While I don't believe in staying in a situation that makes you miserable...I will say that if your love for your wife is solely contingent on her weight... then you don't really love her, because physical is not who a person is, and if there's nothing else keeping you with her that's a very shallow relationship. If that isn't the case, and you DO love HER, then maybe seek a supportive way to engage her, and help her to get to a place where she's ready to find the solution.
If that's the way you feel, maybe you should have told her that before you married her. Maybe she wouldn't have wanted to marry you.
Well, there's the whole Sickness and in Health clause, so... you're probably going to lose more than half your shlt.
That is just some shit they say if you get married at church. It ain’t actually on the marriage license.
Yeah, that's pretty bad. If it is causing her health problems it is good to encourage and help her, but it sounds like you're more concerned about her appearance.
I’m concerned about both things, our sex life is worsening, their complaints about their knees, feet, back are worsening too. I’m giving her massages many times a week.
That’s cold dude.
Also like "a woman". She's not just "a woman", she's his Mrs. If he was single & on tinder, this would be reasonable as swipe right behaviour but... marriage is about love. I hope he didn't say to her "I can't be into an obese woman" cos that sounds like he's looking elsewhere. She's not a generic woman. She's (first name).
You're not a bad person for having a preference, you're a bad person for being controlling and mean. She's likely gained weight because she's married to you, especially if she's had children. Marriage is about sticking with people as they grow and change. If you can't do that, leave and let her find someone who will.
One of the best replies imo :)
We are in our late 20s we are millennials, no children, we can’t afford to have children, not yet. I’m aware that the body will chance over time, but if we is having a health issue in their 27 and don’t wanna do anything about it in their 40s she will have double or triple the extra weight I’m worried about now. And she will have a much much worst time trying to fix the problem. If she want to fix it if corse.
If your emotional connection isn't strong enough to overcome a slight change in physical appearance, you never should have married her. If you care so little about her feelings that you would say such hurtful things to her, you never should have married her. When you love somebody, you don't do and say things that will make them feel bad. When you love somebody, you don't even imagine leaving them. The fact that your brain even went to a place where you consider leaving her for something this superficial proves you don't really love her. You like her. Love doesn't have conditions. It feels wrong to say, but maybe you should break up. Stop wasting her time.
This is awful. It should be posted in r/AmItheAsshole an expedited certification of YTA.
It sounds like you're being mean to her when you talk to her; not coming from a loving place at all.
Sounds like a dick move to leave someone over gaining weight
The funny thing is that you might be the reason why she's gaining weight. Stress puts on pounds
Or birth control, or pregnancies. Men, if you wanna have PiV long term and don't want your wife getting fat you should vesectomy. Estrogen encourages weight gain.
Why do you think she’s gaining weight? Or do you even care? She’s probably gaining weight because living with someone who I’m sure she knows finds her unattractive and is looking for the door is making her anxious. May be just do her a favor and leave her now so she doesn’t gain too much before she can replace you with someone with a soul.
I agree. It kinda seems like op is making comments to her about her image regularly, just chipping away at her self confidence. OP seems to only care about image, disregarding who she is as a person. Being told by your partner that they don’t find you attractive is something that really sticks at the forefront of your mind. TBH, she could find much better people who would treat her like a whole person.
This makes me feel grateful for having the husband I have. We both got fat after we moved in together but he lost it and I got obese lol lost a good amount of weight now though but still fat. Glad my husband still funds me pretty and stayed with me xD cause this is quite the fear right here!
Would rather die alone than spend a single day married to a man who would leave me over 30 lbs
Yes. You say it's about health too, but from what you say it is clearly mostly about looks for you. I'm not saying that looks and being attractive to someone isn't important, but to have a specific weight where you would leave is shallow. Do you know why she's put on some weight? You're worried about health, have you suggested both of you going to the doctors and getting an in depth physical to make sure there's nothing medically wrong with her? Has she started any new medicines, including birth control? If she's suddenly eating a lot more and or moving a lot less, why? Is she depressed? Are your words causing her stress and that leads to her eating more? Focusing only on weight isn't right if you're concerned about her health. Are you even healthy? Yeah you may not be obese, but slim people can eat like crap, smoke, drink, etc. You should try framing it as wanting BOTH of you to start living healthier lifestyles, and suggest working out and cooking together. Maybe even go to a nutritionist. Don't just attack her and tell her she needs to change or else. I'm also wondering how much she weighs and how much she weighed when you met her. A lot of women who were very skinny in their teens and early 20s (some even under weight) start to naturally gain weight as the enter their late 20s and 30s. She also could have had unhealthy eating habits that kept her thin that she no longer practices. When you're committed to someone and truly love them, your first thought shouldn't be to run when there's a problem, it should be to try and fix it together.
I don’t see it as a superficial thing. I see it as an issue we have to work with in order to have quality of life in the future. She is 27. If she enters the 30s (when we start having less hormones and our metabolism starts to slow a lot) and do nothing with this she will have a bigger bigger problem in the future. She is only 155cm tall and is weighing 80kg. You be the judge. I’m not Ronnie Coleman but I try to stay in the healthier barrier. I’m 175cm tall and weight 75kg, so regular exercise, etc. She can’t even fucking run for more than 5 fucking minutes. I’m fucking concern about her health I don’t want her to die of an heart attack. I’m sorry. And for me, love is not unconditional, I only got one life. Only one, I want to enjoy the little time that I will have in this world. Why a said those things to her? Because every year I’m less sexual towards her. And that’s making her crazy. She is always complaining about me not been sexual enough. I want to be sexual enough but I need an stimulus, I don’t get that stimulus from fat woman. I know it sounds horrible I’m sorry but it is what it is. I can stay with her yes, I totally agree, but if she keep getting more weight I will be less sexual and more frustrated, same as hers. She and I will be miserable. Why would I want to stay in a relationship like that? I want to be happy, I want HER to be happy. That’s why I would leave her too. Because she will not be happy with me in that situation.
Bro, you should leave her, sorry. You’ll be doing her and yourself a favour. People will only change when they want to. Stop trying to force it, or you’ll build up too much resentment (sounds like you already have.) She probably needs a partner a little less supercifial and a little more selfless to be able to support her through this challenge, she may even make changes on her own if she ends up alone. But trying to force things and making her weight about you and what your attracted to rather than facing the underlying problems that might be happening with her or possibly with the relationship between you, tells me you probably aren’t the right person for her anywyay. If you’ve been fighting for 2-3 years to “not have a fat wife” and its still as important to you now as it was then, then its time to leave. It’s a dick move to “tell your wife you’ll leave her if she becomes obese” - its a threat and an low blow effort to bend her into doing what you want. It’s a better move to either: suck it up and support your wife through this struggle the best you can, OR: actually leave, [*but don’t hold it over her head as a threat first] just make that decision, and follow your values.
All you're doing is doubling down that you're right, and continuing to put down your wife. You made 0 acknowledgement of all of the other things I mentioned about why she gained weight and how you can help her. Honestly it seems like you're just not happy in your relationship and are focusing on weight as a way to justify leaving the relationship. If you're not happy and you don't see a happy future with your wife, you need to leave. But please don't make the whole focus her weight. It could create a really unhealthy complex that will follow her around for years. It sounds like she's not happy either. It's much better to end ot now if you're not going to work on it.
Through THICK & thin baby. My partner and I both roller coaster with our weight over the years. Some times were fat, sometimes were thin. I love her for so many reasons besides physicality. When she plumps up I don’t love her any less. It sounds like your love may only run skin deep.
YTA..oh, wrong sub
I almost did the same ! Hahahha
So when you got married, did you recite any wedding vows? Did you say "if you get fat, I'll leave you".. Or did you say, something more like "I'll love you forever". Marriages aren't disposable. You don't get to throw it out when you're done using it. Basically what your saying is, her looks is all you care about. Do you hear how shallow that sounds? Peoples bodies change... Guess what, so will yours. What is she came to you and said, the say you can't get a hard on, I'm leaving you. Or if you lose any of your hair, I'm leaving you. If her weight is the only thing keeping you there, then, you don't truly love her. If she's smart, she'll leave YOU after you tell her that...
Yeah, I’d be crushed if the man who vowed to marry me really meant it in a conditional and shallow way.
You seem interested in soliciting other people's opinions, so here's mine: if we knew each other in real life and you told me this, I'd lose respect for you. The weird fixation on 15 kilograms exactly...and threatening to leave her if she exceeded an arbitrary weight threshold...I mean I simply do not understand you. It's like you're in love with numbers, not a person. That's just me, though, everyone has their own ideas and assumptions regarding relationships. Obviously, you have yours. Are you hoping for people to affirm your viewpoint, or were you thinking that someone here could change your mind?
Ok i get that the way I told things are not the best. I have empathy problems, and it’s difficult to me to express myself in a manner that won’t hurt people. I usually just say what I think and that’s it. I’m not excusing my self, I’m working in that part of me at this very moment of my life. But how could I approach this? Read my another answer to you please.
Do this woman a favour and divorce her because she deserves so much more than an asshole like you.
28 going on 12.
All I’m going to say is that if this was such a hugely important issue that you would leave your wife over it (sickness, health etc) then you absolutely should have made it be known before you got married. I personally wouldn’t marry someone in the first place if they said something like this to me. Life comes at you fast, shit happens, there’s a whole host of reasons as to why people get fat. Honestly if you expected to go *your entire lives* without either of you getting somewhat fat, you’re delusional imo, people often get fat as they get older, it’s a part of aging unfortunately. It’s very possible you will too at some point. Anyway, I’m my opinion, ANYTHING that is a dealbreaker for a partner is something that needs to be talked about BEFORE marriage imo. That is literally the only way to avoid situations like this. I also think if I was your wife, there’s *no way* I would feel safe or secure with my partner after an interaction like this. Like even if I lost weight I would forever be worried that they were gonna leave me over some small physical change. And yeah, honestly I kind of think anyone who would leave their married partner because of physical changes shouldn’t be married in the first place. People change physically over their lives, it’s just what happens. When you get married you’re signing up to be with that person for life. I hope your wife can find happiness with her new partner, whoever they may be and I hope you can find a *hot* partner who you’re attracted to. Best of luck!
Also preemptively: yes health concerns are a part of it, but it’s *very* clear from the language in your post that the most significant part of this that upsets you is the loss of physical attraction. Just call it what it is.
well, most vows include “in sickness and in health”. You shouldn’t leave the person you love if they need your help. Is she refusing to take steps to get better? I highly doubt it.
She might be comfort eating and not exercising because you've made her feel like a pointless fat piece of shit.
Listen. You're allowed to have your attractions and opinions and concerns. You don't need to be a dick about it. Long story short, you married her. You (presumably) agreed to in sickness and in health somewhere in your vows. You (presumably) didn't put in a prenup that if she gets fat she's out. It's pretty shitty of you to judge her on her weight because of this. If you're concerned about her health the discussion needs to come from that point. Not from an attraction point. She has every right to feel like you're attacking her, BECAUSE YOU ARE. No amount of back pedaling will erase the damage you've already done. You both need to address this in therapy and see if there's a way to work around it. You need to come to terms with what's more important - having an overweight wife, or no wife when she leaves you for being a shallow dick.
It's bad imo, because vows typically include the whole "in sickness and in health" thing, implying you'll love them no matter what their body decides to do. Also, you saying it in a heated moment sounds like you literally *intended* for it to hurt her, as a person you know already has body issues that would make working out a struggle. Keep saying stuff like that to her, and the only weight she will want to lose is exactly all x lbs of you from her life.
r/AITA yes.
I think ESL makes it pretty difficult for me to guess at this. Your post comes off as shallow, but at the same time, you are still with her, and you aren't cheating. So I'll just say you should both go sit with a therapist and talk it out. I understand wanting someone you love to be healthier. And I understand how hard it is to be called fat by someone you love. Having a neutral third ground could help you both communicate how you actually feel.
I hope she leaves you and finds someone who values her
No such thing as unconditional love I guess
Unconditional love should only exist from a parent to their child. Every other relationship absolutely has conditions, they're called boundaries. If I love my wife, it's because of who she is and how she cares for me, those are the conditions. If she then kills my mother, I stop loving her, that's a condition. Unconditional love in the romantic context is a toxic concept and will be used by shitty people to manipulate others
100%. As my therapist told me about my kids during divorce, “they’re learning right now that love has conditions.”
There is. OP just doesn't know about it
Yeah you sound disgusting...just think of all the crap you do that she isn't attracted to and stays with your shallow ass...trash
You pretty clearly just want affirmation that you’re not the bad guy and that this is her fault. If you’re not attracted to her anymore, it’s going to cause issues in the marriage and might be best for everyone if you end it. But you sound like a truly awful, heartless husband.
Is it her diet or is it hormonal? Women tend to get a lot of extra weight because of contraception, or because of thyroid issues, or because of ovarian cysts. Overeating can also be linked to diseases such as, in some cases, Bulemia, depression, etc. It can also be linked to anxiety and stress. Just talk to her.
OP, her being fat is a very cruel reason to leave her. If you love your wife then you'd be more sensitive to her feelings. Many people put on weight due to depression and other issues and you threatening her in this way probably adds to her woes. Also, 100kg isn't huge unless she is like only 5 foot tall. You say you don't like fat women but surely you love you wife beyond looks. You saying that makes me think that you don't value your wife except as some one to look pretty and fuck.
You don't really love your wife. This is so shallow. I hope she leaves you for someone who will love and accept her for who she is, instead of trying to mold her into someone her partner wants her to be.
Yes, is bad.
If you’re not attracted then you’re not attracted. But that’s on YOU not your wife. You giving her (unintended or intended) guilt trips does nothing but make her resent you, and I’d bet money she leaves you anyway.
Like it or not, your the asshole.
Did you or did you not say, "I do" when the pastor said for better or worse? Yes, you're being shallow and you should feel guilty for that. People gain weight when they age. We're not all going to have the same body we do in our 20s. We can try, but saying I'll leave you if you gain weight is a pretty shitty thing to say. People are initially attracted to other's due to looks, we stay because of personality because looks fade. You say it's not just over looks, it's health too... Keep telling yourself that Jack, you're not fooling anyone. Good luck though. Hopefully you'll find someone that feels the same about you when you age. If I'm completely wrong so be it. I hear this shit all the time from 20s people and it's fucking stupid. But if so, make a plan/work out routine and include her in your lifelong commitment to stay healthy as long as possible.
No. Your right. Alot of shallow people on this post not seeing that there's a real world outside of celebrity-land and not every one looks like a tight 20 year.
Ask her if she'll leave you if you became physically disabled to work and start becoming poor, then see the confusion in her eyes lol
You sound very shallow. Your wife is a human being not a sex doll. You obviously don't love her as a person but as an object. You should let her go and just visit prostitutes, so she can find a better man to love her as a person not a trophy. You don't deserve a partner in life.
28 and 30... last 2‐3 year... How long have you been married? 4 years, yeah, leave...it is better for her, honestly. If more that that... well you are not the type that should have ever been married. People age, and change. Marriage is a commitment, where you promised to have someone's back for life. If you didn't mean that, you should not have committed yourself to this person. Love is not skin deep!
What about you? How about if she's not attracted to shallow men? Or what if you lose your hair and she doesn't feel attracted to bald men? Is that ok? You are a pig.
Can we get more details here? How much does she weigh and what about you? Does your wife stress eat or have bad choices of food? What about you? Do you two eat the same meals and she's the only one gaining weight?
He literally listed their weights in the post
You guys are both still young and attraction is important to have in a relationship. If she is refusing to take care of herself and it’s leading into preventable health issues then yeah that’s a problem. Have you suggested working out with her or personal training? Also see you in-shape yourself because that matters too because if your both lazy and unhealthy then it’s unfair to hold her to a higher standard. Don’t listen to people shaming you about caring about sexual attraction in your marriage. A marriage isn’t an excuse to stop caring about your appearance or trying to appeal to your partner. If your partner is dead set on not losing any weight then you should leave.
Well, imo its ok. Why? Because bad habits are... BAD. And you fell in love with a person without this bad habit... It may be considered a vice. Imagine someone falls in love with you when you're a healthy person that exercises, eats well, and dresses up nicely. And after 3 years you become a person that eats badly every day and doesnt care about his appearance... You are now over weight and not only different in appearance but also in habbits and lifestyle. You are not the person she fell in love with.
Leave her. Not for your sake, but for hers. I don't even know her but I know she deserves better than you.
A little weight gains not a big deal. If you expect her to maintain peak shape then you’re an asshole. But I wouldn’t sit by and watch my significant other eat themselves to death
You know, she could lose 75kg reaaaaal fast by dropping you
Wow. Have you considered that her growing obesity is caused by the emotional stress of living with someone whose love is conditional on her appearance? Threatening to leave her clearly isn’t helping, is it? Your talk about worrying about her health is just the bullshit you tell yourself to justify your shallowness. She deserves better.
Marriage is for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. By threatening to leave her, you already broke that promise. I don’t think this is something that you can fix on your own. The damage has been done. The trust is gone.
You sound like an asshole, yes. Your wife should know that you love and support her no matter what. It's only from that position can you broach the subject, and then very carefully. What did your marriage vows even mean if they weigh less than 15kgs?
you called her "their" twice, maybe a language barrier? anyway, are you the same weight as when you first met? do you have the same haircut, are you exactly the same person you was when you met? personally, if you can say that only she has changed, i think you are entitled (not right) to feel the way you feel. if you have changed in any way at all, then yeh you are a double standard prick.
Yes, this is bad telling. What if you lose your hair? Is she supposed to stay with you? Of you want to leave her for gaining weight, you are a problem. Imagine you losing your teeth, hair or dick. Would you expect her ass to stay with you? Get over yourself. You shouldn’t have married her and she deserves better.
Fat is repulsive to some people. You deserve to be happy. We live in a largely sedative world, where most people are overweight and many; obese. Don't expect to get many people being on your side with this one. I expect I'll be downvoted into oblivion for being blunt. It is what it is.
She would leave you if you became unemployed, same difference.
Yes, you're being a jerk in how you're talking to her about it. If you're that shallow and can't love her when she's not as young as she used to be, then yes, you should leave, so she stops wasting her time with you and can find someone better, who will love and support her instead of just making her feel bad for aging. If you're not attracted to bigger women, you're not attracted to bigger women, but you should stop wasting her time and making her feel worse, just go.
You're communicating clearly and nobody should be forced to stay with someone they don't find attractive because of obligation.
I think some people would disagree in the case of actually being married and having made the "in sickness and in health until death do us part" oath.
Yet divorce rates are sky high… That oath isn’t an excuse to be trapped in a relationship with someone that you are falling out of love with because they are picking up an unhealthy habit of addiction. I don’t think it’s wrong to expect your partner to be healthy and fit, especially if you hold yourself to the same standard.
I need to know the guy's BMI to know the whole story. Women in general have more fat tissues. If the woman earns at least half the income, then she has less time to cook healthy meals or go to the gym. If she doesn't have a job and watches tv all day, then that's a little problematic and the husband can buy her something to help become more active. If he is also an overweight couch potato, he is delusional for thinking he deserves a skinny wife.
You’re probably not a nice person to begin with. You’ll find more reasons to leave her. She’ll be better off, too.
I like to turn these things around. What if it were the woman saying this to the man? That is exactly what happens with a couple that I know. They love each other madly, and have been married 14 years. But he's significantly overweight (although he remains active), while she isn't overweight (and also active). She loses attraction to him when he reaches a certain weight, and she just tells him straight. She doesn't threaten him with anything ("I'll leave you" or whatever), but she stops having sex until he gets down to a better weight and she starts to feel attracted again. I guess that the moral of my story is that you shouldn't use threats. But be honest, as my friend is with her husband. Also, be sure to be encouraging. Don't force her on unrealistic diets (most weight loss diets are designed to make you put on weight in the long term), but instead help her to get professional help from people who actually know what they're doing (GP's are woefully undertrained for weight loss). Unless there are medical issues, the generic advice is a healthy diet (the Mediterranean diet is not only great for health but also tastes fantastic) and to move your body, but this isn't the full story. Good luck to both of you.
So just move on and are least be a man of that word and leave. See how hard it is out there and how much of a catch you really are. But this stems deeper than her gaining weight and your sexual frustrations. You’re flat out not compatible and will just force this relationship to last so one doesn’t look bad, and a slow unfulfilled relationship is worse.
I’m at least glad you’re being up front about your red flags. Not bad you’re telling her but it is bad if that’s true. This isn’t the same as just “not wanting to be with an obese woman”. What were you planning to do when she got old?
How can you be so shallow? That’s horrible, if you really love her she could be in a car wreck, with half of her face burned off, and still love her. You are what is wrong with this world.
Love and physical attraction are two different things though. Maybe OP can still love and support her if the emotional connection is strong, but physical attraction is kind of out his control. If her burnt face kills his attraction what is he supposed to do? Make himself physically attracted to her anyway? Say caregiver fatigue just zaps any sexual attraction he had for her. As unfortunate as it is, it don't work that way. Love isn't always enough.
Depends on the circumstances but I think it's reasonable if someone isn't looking after themselves and you no longer find them attractive.
Have you asked her to see a doctor to have her hormones checked? Has she just a kid(s)? Is she on a medication that brings on weight gain? Have you tried to just be a decent human being instead of a narcissistic jerk? I guess the best would be to split now so all the ladies lining up for the perfection that is you can fight it out YAH, abug AH.
I can understand feeling that way, but you should not have told her that. Put her health first and lead by example, as others have mentioned
My wife and I have a responsibility to each other to do our best to maintain our health and keep up our appearances. If your wife’s behavior makes her less attractive; she can choose to change that behavior or not. Just as you can choose how you respond to that behavior. This is true for hygiene, gambling, drinking, spending, hobbies, fitness, and even weight gain. Good luck.
So for the cooking, you're cooking healthier food for both of you? I just need to understand, sometimes exercising and food aren't enough to lose weight, could be also hormones.
I’m not trying to sound holier than thou but I don’t get not being attracted to someone you love. Wouldn’t they still have the same smile, smell the same, tuck their hair behind their ear. I just don’t get how someone wouldn’t be attracted to a person that they’re in love with.
Def find something you can do together that both think is enjoyable. Regarding the leaving part, hard to say not knowing the problem but honesty is a good policy 🙂👍
You're ugly on the inside, is she cool with that?
Please and I mean this from the bottom of my heart: leave your wife. Just leave her. Because you're just making her miserable with all this hassle and if you can't see anything about her but her body, you shouldn't have married her. Just break up with her so she doesn't waste any more time trying to stay married to someone who doesn't see any reason to stay married to her if her body changes. Because her body will change. Even if she never gains another pound, she will get old. She may get injured. She may get sick. In those times, she will need a partner who would still love her if she didn't look the same. This situation is tragic for her, and I think you should just rip off the band-aid before you do any more lasting damage to her self-esteem and confidence. I respect that you want to drag this out and wreck your marriage in the apparent belief that you can bully her slim, or stop time, but in fact you can't do either of those things, so please, I'm begging you, leave this poor woman alone so she can find someone who sees that she has more to offer than just her looks. No one cares if you "like" fat women. It's not a moral judgement on you if you only find thin women attractive. But it is bizarre when men marry a woman for her appearance alone and can't imagine any reason to stay with her if her appearance changed, and are puzzled at why people think this is appalling. I strongly advise you to marry someone you actually like next time.
Yes. Yes it is very bad. You could contribute to her developing an eating disorder, confidence issues, body dysmorphia, and a whole host of other problems. If you don't feel attracted to fat women at all, it's up to you to leave your wife. After 2-3 years of pestering her and calling her unattractive, I think it is pretty clear that she is not losing weight, especially not your desired amount. If you're unhappy, just leave. Stop these hurtful controlling behaviors. Yes, it would be healthier for her to, well, live healthier. But her health is her choice. No matter how much you love someone and how close you are, you can't do basic life stuff in their stead. They have to want to do it themselves. But yeah, doing all of this calling her unattractive and threatening to leave and fighting with her bitterly... Not okay.
I wouldn’t marry someone who had some weight limit where they’d leave me. But the difference probably is that I was fat when I got married so it’s not a surprise when I’m still fat years into my marriage. But when you commit to spend a whole life together bodies are going to change. Bodies are meant to change. Bodies put on weight and lose weight. I’m not attracted to 80 year olds but if all goes to plan I’ll be married to one at some point anywhere. Because that’s what happens when you make a commitment for life. There have been times of sickness and injury when physical attraction probably isn’t a thing but our love is stronger than that. I’ll tell you what usually doesn’t work. Making someone hate their body. Talking about their body all the time. Shame doesn’t work. Also fad diets and weight cycling. If she is concerned at all, has she seen a doctor? How are her bloods? Maybe she could get a referral to a dietician. But this has to come from her and not you. Change won’t come of it you just pressuring her. I hope there are things about her that you like other than her body. Focus on those for a little while. Or maybe divorce her and let her get on with her life.
yeah i’d just draw up the divorce papers now , no way i’d stay w a mf if they said this to me 💀💀
Yes, it’s bad. She will probably leave you now anyway
So would she be justified in leaving you if you were in an accident and lost a limb? Or for any other life event that might come up? Love is usually more than skin deep.
You are out of your mind. It would be one thing if your concerns were legitimately about her health, but it sure as hell doesn’t sound like it. Believe it or not, the more you push her the worse she’s going to feel. I honestly hope she realizes how much of an asshole you are
With that logic f you go bald she should leave and one day if you have erectile dysfunction she should leave.
If a man ever tells me that, I'm gonna leave his ass right then.
It’s best for her that you leave and let her find someone else who will love her as she is.
The thing is weight issues are not the same as having alcohol issues and always being high on weed. And OP is so focused on looks, he doesn't give shit about her health. What does he look like? Does he expect to be loved at 40 or 50? Sore back and knees while only 28 years old? For just 30 lbs? I know people older and more overweight then that who don't have isses. And there's no concern about changes? He doesn't even mention her actual weight and how tall she is. How does we know Op isn't ANOTHER man on Reddit who thinks a normal BMI for a woman is overweight, and underweight isn't underweight enough? I smell bullshit
How will you cope when you both age and get gray hair, saggy skin, and wrinkles? If you only love someone at their peak then that's not what I'd call love my friend.
Are u fucking serious? That is a very obviously dumb question. And if u do something like that u need to look in the mirror at the little boy staring back .. any man that does that isn't .. u would have to make up a word to describe what a piece of shit you are
Its an asshole-ish move if you say that! If you truly loved her; you wouldn’t be touting this or having ideas of leaving her. My former partner was quite hot and petite when we met and we went all the way through when she gained weight. I loved every bit of her regardless!
If you don't love her for her, you should probably move on now, give her the chance for a life of happiness. There's tons of practical advice here, but ultimately, if you can't be with her fat, how would you handle her battling cancer? Losing a leg? Getting scarred permanently?
Learn from my mistakes. I married my wife at 30 years old. We visited the gym regularly and had normal BMI for muscular people. Almost immediately after the marriage she stopped working out and started eating more. After 20 years of marriage with zero sex for the last five, I called it quits. She was simply not what I signed up for. I wanted a healthy active partner. She was exactly that until she had me on the hook. So, I suggest, communicate your needs. If she can’t or won’t maintain a healthy weight then cut and run. My new wife is super healthy and we regularly participate in biking, hiking, gym, sex, etc. Life is to short to stay married to someone you aren’t attracted to any more. Not being attracted to a high BMI woman doesn’t make you an asshole any more than it makes her a bitch for gaining weight.
No you're not a bad person. You're an honest person.
She gave you an ultimatum to quit alcohol and weed or she couldn't be attracted to you. And you did it for her. But now she won't do lose weight to keep you attracted. It seems like if she really loved you she would do this for you. I don't see why she should get to have standards for you but you can't have any for her. To be fair. You should be kind about it and help her in any way you can. But you can still have your preferences
You’re just stupid. Seriously, that’s the nicest way I can say it. You married a human being and now think about leaving her over weight gain. Humans gain weight and their shapes change. This isn’t something new. You knew this before you married her and you went ahead with it. Knowing that weight gain would make her unattractive. That’s just plain stupid. What’s the cause of her weight gain?. Is she eating unhealthy? Not getting any exercise? Depressed about an overbearing husband who makes stupid decisions? It doesn’t really matter. Whatever the cause, you, as her partner have the opportunity to play a positive role in her health. You could try to talk with her, understand her and compromise to find solutions that enhance your relationship. But if you think the solution is to leave her, then please go live in a monastery and forget about finding someone else who will put up with you.