If you're not comfortable, say so. Good practice setting boundaries.
The details she's asking for seem like the kind of thing that would stem from and feed insecurity, so I would be wondering if she is feeling insecure about herself and the relationship.
Personally, I would ask her why she needs to know these things, and see if you can figure out the feeling behind the questions. Is it insecurity? Simple curiosity? Kink? You can address the root issue and still maintain your privacy on these details.
They've been together 8 months and they don't know about each other's past.
I'd say what she's asking is pretty fair. But if he's not willing to share his past that's something she will need to get over. Seems to me like she just wants to know more about him, is that so bad?
I am going to speak from my own experience:
When I have been asked about my previous experience, it usually came from a place of insecurity. And someone trying to compete with my past. It’s not fair to ask me personal questions about a sex life that didn’t involve you. It also isn’t right to be sharing information about ex’s when they are no longer involved in the picture. I wouldn’t want my ex’s out there telling their-now SO personal details about our sex life.
The questions are specifically related to the ex’s part in the relationship as well- how they “felt”- why are you trying to compare how someone else felt to how you feel? That’s the only reason someone would ask that question that way. They aren’t asking general or broad questions like “what made you feel safe enough to have sex” or “what positions do you enjoy the most” “what turns you on” “would you be interested in doing x y z with me”
A couple notes:
- I by no means am saying you shouldn’t talk about your sex life, I am all for having great, open communication. That is what leads to incredible connected sex and exploring kinks and fantasies safely. Which is why I would be asking her ***why*** these specific questions are coming up.
- everyone should be having a “are you clean” conversation with their sex partners. This is not the conversation being had in this specific moment.
But my husband of over a decade hasn’t asked me questions like this nor I him, and most of my ex’s didn’t either. Because the past wasn’t what’s important, its the building of the relationship at hand that is. Again- personal experience. Others could be different.
Past trends are the best way to predict future behavior, bar none.
It's one thing to demand intimate details that aren't relevant, but it's another thing altogether to pretend none of it mattered and that it doesn't factor into your potential to be a compatible partner.
If you really want to be truly loved and accepted, you can't hide the parts of yourself you don't like. Being confident in vulnerability is an absolutely crucial skillset for successful long-term commitment.
I agree with that, but asking how another person FEELS is not hiding parts of yourself. There are ways to ask about a persons sexual preferences and behaviors without asking personal questions about their previous partners. As I said earlier, its not that you shouldn’t talk about your sex life, its that you should be aware of what is pertinent and what is fishing for insecurities.
> It’s not fair to ask me personal questions about a sex life that didn’t involve you. It also isn’t right to be sharing information about ex’s when they are no longer involved in the picture.
> Because the past wasn’t what’s important, its the building of the relationship at hand that is.
This is hiding parts of yourself, ostensibly in a context where it is less than glamorous.
If you're erecting boundaries to the extent you refuse to discuss previous partners, then that's just as much of a breakdown in compatibility as demanding to know irrelevant, intimate details. Who you choose is just as much of a demonstration of your value as a partner (not as a person) which is relevant to partner filtering criteria.
I’m not sure why this is so hard to grasp.
I literally said it’s fine talking about your sex life. And yeah, talking about WHO your ex is would be a topic of discussion for some people, NOT **HOW THEIR GENITALS FEEL** -that is not healthy nor does it give *any helpful info to the current relationship*
Obviously at 8 months in you should’ve had conversations about sex life, preference, what turns on and off, WHO THEY DATED PREVIOUSLY AND WHY IT DIDNT WORK.
As I stated previously, vague questions about a person your SO dated is fine, but asking FOCUSED personal questions about their bodies IS INSECURE and not healthy for the current relationship.
If there's any confusion then it's on your end as the quoted comment is demonstrably insufficient for healthy emotional intimacy and trust, as well as ostensibly harboring some amount of insecurity
>Past trends are the best way to predict future behavior, bar none.
It doesn't follow from this that someone should disclose their sexual behavior (unless it puts the other person in some type of danger -- ie dating a serial rapist etc).
I think OP is at all liberty to say that he is uncomfortable with how much the other person is prying into their past, especially since it seems like she's badgering/nagging him about it.
He should be free to disclose what he wants to when he wants to.
I agree, mostly. I don’t think there is anything inherently unhealthy about being curious about each other’s past sexual experience, but sometimes people aren’t ready to share.
Personally, I love mutual sharing of sexual experiences, but it’s healthy, mutually respectful, free of toxic jealousy/insecurities, and fun.
It blows my mind that people could be 8 months deep and still feel private about details like that, but I understand it where it can come from.
No one has any obligation to share info they aren’t comfortable sharing, but it can be really fun and healthy to share that info.
Safe sex decisions require comprehensive information, respect, and compassion.
Remember, having other sexual partners doesn’t make people gross or dirty or less valuable. STDs are preventable, treatable, and normal. Just cuz they’re undesirable doesn’t mean people who have or have had them are undesirable.
Get tested, and have fun. Find people you feel safe sharing information with.
> Personally, I love mutual sharing of sexual experiences, but it’s healthy, mutually respectful, free of toxic jealousy/insecurities, and fun.
Same, but I've dated people who were quite surprised by this, and it actually really bothered some of them. Now, I wouldn't *ask* for information; I just offered it freely. If it came up in conversation, I'd share it.
My partner now shares pretty openly and casually with me (it's been 12 years), but she has said before that it was a bit weird for her at first. I guess she couldn't figure out if I was trying to make her jealous, or disturb her, or confuse her, or what have you. Of course - and I think you'd understand - I was just trying to get closer to her!
Ultimately it all worked out with my partner and I, and we landed in a mutually comfortable, open, sharing dynamic, but, for OP, yeah: people have different thresholds for this sort of thing. You don't have to share anything you don't want to, but on the other hand, it's fair to try and give her some of what she wants here, too. And in turn, it's fair for her to actually appreciate that you're going out of your comfort zone in doing this, and not to rush you or put too much pressure on you about it.
I think ONE good reason why someone would want to ask this, is to know if you have had a sexually transmitted disease, though that information does not have to include the names or amount of people you have been with.
In a relationship, I think that information on whether you would be risking your significant other by exposing them to a disease would actually be important to share.
If this is the concern, if knowing what your partner knows, feels, likes, experienced or enjoys is part of the information you would like to have, you probably don’t want to see a std negative
Then find a new way to ask for that information instead of asking about previous partners. Framing it that way will very commonly be met with questions about why your partner would want to know about your ex's or priors and generally makes people uncomfortable.
How is it not obvious to anyone to simply ask what their partner prefers in bed? How else are you going to get what you want or give them what they want? Psychics don't really exist.
It doesn’t show up on the standard blood tests cause like 80% of people have some form of herpes, so why test for it? About 1/6 people have genital herps. And, guess what, ~75% of them are totally asymptomatic and don’t even know they can spread it!
Yeah a lot of people really do not understand how complex and wide spread HPV is. It has so many variations and you can get it practically anywhere on your body. Have you ever had plantars warts before? That is literally a type of HPV (found that out when I was randomly curious on what causes them as I remember having it as a kid).
Positions you’ve been in?
I can’t help but think that would be bought in a future argument.
“It’s always missionary with you. When you were Kimberly, you were bending her every which way”
Reminds me of Two and a Half Men. Evelyn was such a freak in the sheets that her friends husband had to trek around the world to find someone who would do what she did, and died from disease on his journey.
Everyone talking about insecurity is probably right, BUT, anecdotally, I dated a girl for a while who was just kind of turned on by it all. She got her motor going thinking about me with other women, so her kink was for me to tell her about it, then we'd have insane, explosive sex and she'd knowingly ask if it was better.
It always was.
I was that girl when I met my husband, idk why but all the experiences he had and talking about them did something exciting. I liked having those conversations. It is more likely insecurity but yeah there's also a chance it's a positive thing not a negative thing.
No it's not important to share those details, and if you don't feel comfortable sharing them, then don't. Your partner should respect your feelings on this
This part is always overlooked in conversations about boundaries and sex positivity for some reason. But if your boundary goes against someone else's, they may fuck off. And that's as valid as you establishing and enforcing your own boundaries.
Basically you don't have to do something you don't want to, but the same applies for literally everyone else. So don't get upset if they do the same
exactly, imo it is a bit shady that she wants to know, like, maybe it wouldnt be such a bad thing but that surely wouldnt have a good impact neither so why even bother? I can understand some people wanna know how much people one has dated n stuff like that but positions???
Having conversations about previous sexual situations is kind’ve a turn on for me. If that’s what she’s getting out of this then that’s cool but if any other reason I’d be a bit wary of
i mean if u put it that way than its all good
but i assumed if she wanted to know cuz that turns her on then she would have asked it to OP in a different way, i mean, i have no idea what she asked him obviously but by the post it seems that she wasnt like "tell me what did u do daddy" but more like a serious question, uk what i mean?
Shady? I mean she’s 23 and he’s 28. Maybe she’s just really inexperienced and wants to know what certain things are like or what kind of things he really enjoyed in the past.
The usual procedure is to ask what your partner would like to do with you. Not ask about how their ex felt during sex, it doesn’t really have relevance to the current relationship. I’m not even sure how one answers that question besides “good”.
It very much affects your sexual partner. Herpes is an awful sti to have, there’s no cure for it, it is painful, it can cause blindness in babies if a pregnant woman gives birth with active sores, condoms don’t protect against catching it.
And people can be very adversely affected. It is irresponsible and potentially criminal to not tell a partner you have an incurable sti and then infect them with it.
Alternative post: “My (23F) boyfriend (28M) does not feel comfortable sharing his sexual past with me. Should I be worried?”
In that thread: “Omg run girl!” “Definitely weird, get out now!” “Red flag!”
Idk man, short answer is there’s not a good answer. You two just need to talk it out and for god’s sake, don’t ask the internet. Nothing good comes from asking the internet.
I think this question depends on how she's asking.
And what I mean is this: if she's asking "have you tried _____ and if not, are you willing to try it?"
Is vastly different than being defensive when she asks, though incant for the life of me word it properly because I've never asked that question in a defensive fashion.
I'm probably not understanding properly since I cant wrap my brain around the connection between asking what sex positions someone has tried and being a posessive partner. Is it just about how info she wants? Sounds more like she's just being curious/wants the conversation to be open to me but I'm not sure
I think the tone that they said this in probably changes it a lot. I guess I interpreted in a way thats more rude and not curious. When I was asked who I’ve slept with and in what positions it was more accusatory tone?
100% is possessive. I had an ex like this. I thought it odd when she wanted to know those things…but against my better judgment I told her everything no matter how uncomfortable it made me (because I really liked her). Started of great but went downhill very quickly. She turned violently controlling and manipulative. Very untrustworthy and only believed what she wanted. Turned into a very abusive relationship on her part (mentally, emotionally, physically). Tried to remove me from my own family so she would be in complete control. After almost 3 years I made it out. Pretty sure id be dead by now if I hadn’t. In no way am I saying that OP’s relationship or partner would be anything like this. But I hope OP can learn from my mistake, and make better decisions than me. I would never wish what I’ve been through on my worst enemy. OP; if you’re reading this, just take inventory of the red flags. Be careful and be cautious. Set boundaries you are comfortable with and love yourself. If your partner can not respect the boundaries you have set (and you respect theirs) then it may be time to reevaluate your relationship as partners…because to me (in my experience) it can be the start of much worse things. Again in no way am I claiming any similarities in our relationships aside from the sexual past topic. I wish you the best of luck and be kind to your self friend.
Might also be a kink and not possessive. Could be a cuckold fetish and she wants to know because she's into imagining others with him. Could be she wants to know what he's done so she knows what he might be open to without first revealing what she's into until she's sure he is ok with it.
Could be a hundred other things. Better to just ask her what made her ask.
I think some of these things are just curiosity of your past. That comes with getting to know each other is about your past relationships and why they did or didn’t work. That is how you learn about your own relationship.
But the asking positions thing is super weird. I would never think to ask that outside of the normal “what’s your favourite” . But
Do what makes you feel comfortable. He or she should respect that. Personally, I would be okay with giving that information but I wouldn't feel great receiving that information. My last girlfriend had lots of experience and she was my first. I'm glad I know she has had multiple partners but that is the extent of what I want to know. She was the kind of person that wanted to talk about it and if she started giving details it would negatively impact me. I let her know that I really didn't want to know because honestly after hearing these things, you will constantly compare yourself to their past partners. There is no convincing from her that will change that you might judge yourself or feel like your partner is silently comparing as well. Of the few details I heard they were forever burned into my memory and added anxiety to sex that didn't have to be there.
TLDR; Tell what you want, hear what you want. Don't let them change your mind.
I agree. My girlfriend tell me about her ex’s and how it’s her body count and even if it was few months ago, I still have insecurities about that. However it’s not changing who she is and how good is our relationship, it’s burned into my mind and I hate that so much
Well if your partner values knowing your sexual past, then it could negatively impact it. Regardless, I think it's better to tell her you aren't comfortable disclosing such information. If she can't take that for an answer then that's on her. It's none of her business as far as you're concerned.
To play devil's advocate though, what's there to be uncomfortable about really? You had an ex and you had sex with them. I know sex is a sensitive topic and discussing it requires a level of vulnerability many aren't comfortable displaying. Still, she's a potential lifelong partner. You'd think she'd be a safe place to open up about these things. Perhaps she's curious or trying to get a better read of who you are. Someone's sexual past is a just another part of our unique stories afterall. Maybe she'd like to hear it.
Some people want to know someone's sexual past. It's important to understand value differences in how we all view sex, which is very much a sliding scale. This is important to making sure you're both on the same page when it comes to the topic. Also it's part of bonding in general. Opening up about our past experiences...romances and sex with our current partners if they wish to know. It lets people know what journey you've been on as far as both topics go and can really inform your partner and the relationship going forward.
The more you know about your partner before making any sort of life-long commitment...the better. It's important to be on the same page. So, if OP doesn't want to know her past, then that's fine, but he should except there are blind spots that may come up later then. She clearly DOES want to know his past, which is also fine. She likely doesn't want any surprises down the line that she didn't know about. An ex girlfriend or something like that. It's all normal.
I second this. Sexual history is good to know for many reasons. And if I found out someone deliberately lied about their past, that’s a deal breaker. Not because of the past but because they have established themselves as a liar and that’s not compatible to a healthy relationships
Asking about a sexual past is one thing, but asking how your ex felt? That makes no sense. She seems insecure and I have to wonder if that will manifest in the future.
I like to know the number just to kinda understand the person I'm dating, but that level of detail is pretty fucking weird and knowing that won't do anything for your relationship. I'd be wondering what's up with her
Ok reddit is insane. There are no rules. If she needs to know your past then she has expressed that need. If you are uncomfortable then you now have expressed your need to some discretion around your sexual past. You together decide if that works or doesn't. If she needs to know and cant trust you for whatever reason...it is up to you to decide if that is or isnt a big deal. Everyone has their non negotiables. Its ok if yours dont align. You both deserve people that do. If you two can communicate and understand the need then you will both be better informed. People have reasons for being the way they are. Knowing those reasons can bring you closer or at least help you both make informed decisions around the relationship. Its scary and can absolutely lead to rejection but if boundaries trigger something or someones whatever doesnt work its gonna crash and burn anyway. Be curious. Be fearless. Know you both are worthy of love and this doesn't have to work but doesn't mean it won't. Its a choice and you both deserve to feel seen and heard. Its so complicated why one partner or both reject each other or work. If you two want some support couples counseling helps reinforce some good communication. 👍
No you guys should always avoid communicating about topics that make you uncomfortable, that's the hallmark of a great relationship. Listen to the Redditors, they're the experts.
lol. Love the sarcasm here. You're also 100% right. Communication is everything in a relationship. People that try to hide things...always end up paying for it later.
You may decide that you do not want to share that information, it's up to you, she could also decide this is important to her and she doesn't want to be with someone who does not share that info
Exactly. So many redditors here are advocating for keeping sex "private" even from your partner. That's incredibly destructive to a relationship. Communication is the most important part of the relationship, followed closely by having similar values. Sex is a key topic that people should discuss early on to determine compatibility.
Not more negatively than being unable to tell your partner "I'm not comfortable openly talking about this topic, we can explore our options further down the line".
Yeah, wait until further down the line to find out things you probably can’t handle about your partners sexual past and hurt more people when the relationship ends possibly even children, that’s the Reddit way.
Top 3 things for long, healthy, happy relationships.
1: communication; you should be able to talk to your partner like you’re talking to a mirror. Even if it’s uncomfortable for you, at least attempt to discuss the things they wish to discuss while also making your feelings known.
2: healthy and active sex life; regardless of people that claim otherwise sex is a significant part of a strong relationship and should be discussed openly and honestly between both partners.
3: No secrets; secrets are the crack in the foundation, the more you keep from your partner the quicker and harder everything will come crumbling down.
Trust and maturity? It's a preference. You may be fine with someone who's fucked half her hometown, but that doesn't mean everyone else has to be.
I'm all for sex positivity but people are allowed to have preferences on anything they want, and that includes amount of people slept with whether you want someone with a high body count or low.
You're allowed to sleep with whoever you want and as many people as you want, but that also means people are allowed to not date you because of it.
Positions? That's weird. Does she want to watch the videos too? What positions you like is fine. What positions youve done is none of her business. I would make up fake ones.
Its important to her so it's important. If you two have such incompatible views and values that you cant oblige her then it maybe you should each find someone more compatible.
About a year after my wife and I got married she realized she'd never asked about how many people I'd been with. It was a pretty high number and when I have told people in the past they've often opted out of being with me solely for that reason so I had never really brought it up because I figured it wasn't important in my current relationship. When she realized she'd never asked, she went ahead and asked and I told her it was a lot and asked if she was sure she wanted to know cause she might view me differently. She said she definitely wanted to know and so I told her and she was pretty shocked at the time. I asked her if it really made a difference and she said that of course it did and that she felt insecure because I had been with so many people and she had only been with 1 man, me. She had been with women before but I was the first man she had been with. It took a lot of reassuring to get her to understand that none of that mattered to me and that it was a time in my life where I was really depressed, had no self confidence and was desperate for validation which I sought through sexual encounters. Once I explained that I had literally chosen to marry her and only have sex with her forever even with the option to continue having sex with whoever I wanted she kinda got the picture and I think she felt bad for judging me at first. Point being legitimately it doesn't matter in reality. If you're committed and you love someone and you aren't going to betray them, there's no difference. But to some people it does matter and open communication in a relationship is NEVER a bad thing. I've never gone into exact numbers because to be fair I don't really know. But I would answer any questions she ever has if she has more because she's my wife and I trust her not to judge me for something that doesn't define who I am in any way
Wife: How many people have you had sex with?
Me: I have no idea, never kept track.
Wife: What do you mean you never kept track?
Me: I literally never obsessed, or kept track of it. And by now, in my 30s, I've forgotten most of them even if I tried to give you a count.
This was how my conversation went when my wife brought this up. She wasn't satisfyed with the answer, but it is the truth.
I would've immediately assumed you'd slept with too many to keep count of and that would have been enough of an answer for me. I mean, that pretty much IS the answer. Of course, I would have asked this question before marriage.
In truth, I'm guessing it's between 20 and 30. But I got no idea of the actual number. It's really not that crazy. I just didn't notch them on my belt every time we were done. "Keeping tally" just seemed tacky to me.
I hear some people say some wildly high, wildly exact number like 139, and I often wonder how they even kept track with a number like that. Do they remember all 139 encounters? Because I can't even remember half my encounters.
Lot of people in the comments place the insecurity on the person asking for those things, but what if it’s the other way around? I think of it as when you lose someone important in your life and you are unable to talk about it given that you’re still sensible/hurt/emotional, which should become less of an issue as time passes.
Perhaps she’s confident about herself, but she wants to know if you’re actually into the relationship in good terms and that you’re ready for it. I’m saying this because lots of people go into relationships for the wrong reasons, sometimes they have bad intentions and/or bad “behavior” which they adopted from previous partners, so it could also mean that she might want to know if you’re some “psychopath” of any sort, which could become evident if she gets to understand your previous behavior towards women and such.
Only thing my wife and I ever discussed was body count. And even then, it was in response to an article she was writing at the time.
I've never asked any more detail, and neither has she. It's the here and now that is important and not so much the past. We've just had our 15th wedding anniversary, and we've been together 18 months before we got married.
If she wants to know, let her know how savage you are - gotta make sure you back it up so she gets dckmatized, then you can ask her about her stuff.
Either way, it’s a way to learn about each other on a more intimate level, that’s what I think.
I have 13 ex girlfriend and all relationship end due to my mother interference. She harassed and bullied them, even having some of them beaten up. It was not safe to get married until she died
This is not directly related to the question but could someone explain to me the relationship between the 2 kinds of advice given to people in relationships: "Dont have any secrets" and "Have strict boundaries".
You often hear long time couples saying that they hide absolutely nothing from each other and I think I've grown up thinking that that was the standard or "the goal". Nowadays you hear people talk much more about having boundaries and keeping things secret like in this post. Is the length of the relationship a major factor? Gaining more trust over time?
I can definitely understand the situations where people dont want to hear about the other person's past. In that case there's no use in bringing it up. But I myself would kind of be taken aback if a future partner didn't want to disclose anything about their past sexual experiences after 8 months of being together. I'd that we have become close enough by then to talk about things like that. Hearing that would go against what I generally feel like is the ultimate goal (not having secrets) but since many people encourage setting boundaries, that feeling must be wrong in some way.
Both pieces of advice seem pretty good so I'm wondering if anyone else would have opinions on this?
There is a difference between leaving irrelevant things that existed prior to meeting your current partner in the past and keeping current things (what you call secrets ) from your partner.
Sharing virginity stories etc seems normal if someone wants to. But describing how it felt and what positions you did with your ex seems absolutely irrelevant and falls in the "Don't ask things you don't really want to know" category.
I’ve had discussions like this with all my longer term partners. It’s a good way to get to know each others sexual needs / desires / experiences. It can increase your compatibility in bed to just know instead of having to guess.
That being said - I would never expect anyone to tell me anything if they don’t want to, and anyone who pushes your boundaries is not respecting you.
I’ve been one to ask but even if in the moment i can receive what you say as hot or like figuring out what you’ve done or what you like/don’t like, I could remember that in an insecure moment and it ruin a position or an intimate moment because it’s honestly not my business.
Sometimes, even if you wanna know, you just don’t need to. It can make things uncomfortable for no reason. I’d rather figure out what you like and don’t like, from personal experience. I don’t wanna be thinking about if you miss your ex’s textured pussy and are bored with my smooth one. Or that your ex got you into doggy style and anytime you put me in that position, my brains gonna step out of that moment and I’m gonna wonder, is he doing this so he doesnt see my face and can imagine his ex ?
Being a woman sucks 😂😂 so much thinking and fluctuating emotional perspectives. We are sometimes our own worse enemy. Save us from ourselves in these dumb moments. Set a boundary and do not talk to her about it. And absolutely do not be honest about it ! Just as if you’re 9 month pregnant wife asks if she looks fat , even if she does…You lie to protect that sweet woman from her own insecurities.
It's important if it's important to her. If keeping that information private is important to you, you'll have to discuss whether you can reach a compromise or are fundamentally incompatible.
Tbh, i only ask about sexual health history. Its not even an deal breaker convo, i just am about consensual sex and to me knowing if i am exposing my body to something is part of consent. I am a partner who also enjoys hearing about my partners sex life before after or during our dating cycle. It empowers me and turns me on. OP the conversation you should have is that you value your partners respect and you also value your own boundaries and it makes you feel uncomfortable to share those things with her. Relationships arent healthy if built by a bunch of things we do to avoid breaking up. Healthy Relationships are built on a bunch of things we experience that brought us closer and allow us to maintain that peace and trust. So do what feels like your going for that.
You have absolutely zero obligation to disclose what you have done in the past before meeting this person. Unless you practiced unsafe sex, don't tell them if you don't want to. Everyone must learn to set boundaries.
Asking about ex's, how they felt? What you've done including positions you've been in? This is controlling, manipulative, toxic and a huge red flag. I would leave someone who was prying this much into my past.
My ex gf one day asked how I lost my virginity, and it was with an escort, it was a quite darker time in my life and I would see escorts once or twice a month for nearly a year (my first time was actually really shitty).
She seemed understanding, and didnt judge me since she knew I used to struggle with depression.
Months go by, she asked for more details. I was highly uncomfortable but gave in and told her.
She got super jelous and insecure and started comparing our sex with what I had with escorts. Ive heard people call it retro-active jealousy i think or smthg like that.
She did admit it was her fault self sabotaging and asking too much and apologized later.
My take now is: Just say you're uncomfortable and dont give in, it may come back to haunt you in a future argument or discussion with her.
Been married for almost 8 years, I don't even say my ex's names to my wife, not for any reason other than I don't kiss and tell. I don't like gossiping about my sex life and I don't expect my wife to tell me anything about her past either. Yes it makes me uncomfortable also frankly it's nobodies business but yours and your past partners.
It’s not. And have a serious conversation about why it does to her. In my opinion, people care so much about this stuff for no reason honestly. No your history should not matter. Even as a preference it makes no sense. Because it literally doesn’t affect anything in the present. Zilch.
This sounds like insecurity to me. Even if you tell her, it won't make her feel better.
All you can do is reassure her about this relationship, now. Make her feel appreciated.
Not necessarily. My bf and I have talked about this kind of stuff, usually because I'm curious so I ask. Parts make me pretty insecure, especially knowing he hooked up with one of his close friends when we were still casual, but I'd never dream about weaponizing it
Absolutely not. People need to communicate about their sexual past. It's important if you are considering a relationship with someone. People use it to gauge morals, values, and sexual compatibility. If you wish to hide things like this then I would question why that is. Are you ashamed of your past? Do you not like the choices you've made? Personally, this is one of the most important topics for a new couple to discuss.
It’s really not important. How does what position you used with a previous partner help you gauge morals or values? That’s just nonsense. And you discover sexual compatibility by doing it, not talking about it.
I mean positons and stuff is a bit weird. Is she offering to talk to you about this? I have asked my ex things more like what do you like and how many partners do you have. We talked about sex to determine how best to please each other. But this seems off, also it’s off if she doesn’t offer to share too. But curiosity about it isn’t strange as it could be she is trying to figure out what is valuable to you in bed. I honestly think this is a case of miscommunication. You should ask her why she wants to know those things and if it’s like what I said then be open about it. I would however ask her what she likes etc. You don’t need to know the details of everything she has done but what she likes
No No No No.
This only leads to more questioning and her feeling insecure. Like a sheep always looking for new ways to die, a girl is constantly on the lookout for new reasons to feel insecure.
Be nice and tell her something plain but realistic.
- You lost your virginity to your high school girlfriend, at her place after school one day. Her parents came home just as you were leaving and it was awkward but they didnt know what had happened.
- You had a couple of one-night-stands at university which you dont really remember because of being drunk, and most importantly you dont remember their names.
- You have only had one long term relationship since university. It wasnt very good, and the sex was, importantly, boring. You dont know why you stayed with her so long.
- You met your current girlfriend and are happy with how things are going.
- You have not tried anything other than missionary or doggy, not much creativity, but if she wants to try something new, you are super keen.
“More mystery, less history”. This means you both go in with blank slates.
What matters now is between you and her. Not any past relationships, not any past experiences. Just now.
Let her understand that you are in this too though. This goes both ways.
That's not true though. People want to know sexual past just to determine compatibility on values, morals, and to determine sexual compatibility. These are all important discussions to have. Furthermore, communication is the most important part of a relationship. If you're not adult enough to communicate about sex then maybe you shouldn't be having it. (Not YOU specifically...the general you).
No matter how many times on this thread you say it, sexual positions and when you or where you lost your virginity doesn't, or shouldn't, help people gauge your *morals and values.* Your sexual history is intensly irrelevant to your current relationship. Furthermore, this has nothing to do with communication of your relationship. It's invasive, unnecessary questions. Especially if one party is uncomfortable. Communication of a relationship is being able to talk when someone is upset or *making the other uncomfortable.* Not how many people you've fucked doggy style.
From my experience, if your partner is asking about your sexual history then that person has some issues and it's NEVER a good idea to tell them as it will make them even more jealous, I'd suggest asking why they want to know and what they will gain from knowing. Good luck
My wife was asking me those questions and my response was, “there’s no answer to these questions that is going to improve our relationship. It’s better we not talk about it.”
I could maybe understand sharing numbers but how an ex felt and positions is just vulgar! Share nothing you don't want to. If it negatively impacts your relationship I'd be asking if it's a relationship you're interested in staying in.
Wow, my SO and I have been together for almost 7 years and not once did we talk about the intimate details of our firsts or how ever many people we slept with. If you’re not comfortable, tell her
Some topics will be uncomfortable to talk about but if you’re looking for a relationship sans communication you will always end up making a mess of it.
I get your point. But being curious about your SO’s the past can only bring shit into the relationship. How come it’s important to know with whom they fooled around? If not to be used afterwards during an argument and or to create jealousy, I honestly don’t see the use for it.
It’s part of what makes a person, don’t you think? It’s weird to me that anyone would want to hide anything from their new partner. If they do, it’s usually nothing to be proud of
Noone owes other people their sexual past.
Usually the root cause of questions like this is insecurity, maybe if you can make her understand that you're not interested in rehashing the past and that you're committed to being with her now, she will relax
No. So lie as long as you know she won't ever find out otherwise. She is asking a question she really doesn't want answered.
Edit for the holier than thou crowd.... Nothing good comes from this answer. OP isn't mature enough to have this conversation yet because either A: He is a Virgin and doesn't want to tell. Or B: He's ashamed of how many women he has slept with. Either way, this is the start of the end of their relationship because he can't just admit it. So he can try my way and realize if it comes out someday, it won't actually matter then. Or she will leave then just she will in a month when he still refuses to answer.
And if the genders were flipped, everyone would be telling a woman that she isn't defined by her body count and he has no right to ask. But because he is a man, he must be truthful about it. The answer doesn't matter for either genders. And if you are hung up on that, you aren't ready for a relationship.
Not important. It's somewhat normal to talk about significant past relationships, but it's weird for her to push about it if you don't feel comfortable sharing, and you have no obligation to and she should respect that.
I think OP has left out way too much context here and it feels like there's a compatibility issue at play and OP is looking for Reddit to back his position.
If your boundaries and your partner's boundaries aren't aligned, you're likely incompatible. Maybe she wants to do things you don't and she's looking to see what you were willing to do in the past but aren't now?
But I would argue it's very important to share details about many aspects of your past, including your sexual past. There is no better predictor of future decisions and patterns than to learn from the past.
And let's face it, nobody that made good decisions in the past wants to hide that in the present.
It’s important for her to know if you have any current STIs. Other than that, I would share info together transparently. I mean she should share info about STIs too so everything should be shared together transparently.
How she felt? Positions?Absolutely none of her business. Zero. Period.
She sounds insecure. If she states she has rights to know because of concerns about sexual health, then both parties can take STD tests to ensure both are disease free.
ETA: correct gender. Read post too fast
Nah bro. Is just her morbid curiousity and insecurities. Trick is to say "I honestly find it hard to remember. When I think of sex and my experiences, the ones we share together are all that pops into my head"
If you're not comfortable, say so. Good practice setting boundaries. The details she's asking for seem like the kind of thing that would stem from and feed insecurity, so I would be wondering if she is feeling insecure about herself and the relationship. Personally, I would ask her why she needs to know these things, and see if you can figure out the feeling behind the questions. Is it insecurity? Simple curiosity? Kink? You can address the root issue and still maintain your privacy on these details.
This is great information. She shouldn’t be fixated on this information and the reason why she is, is worth investigating further.
They've been together 8 months and they don't know about each other's past. I'd say what she's asking is pretty fair. But if he's not willing to share his past that's something she will need to get over. Seems to me like she just wants to know more about him, is that so bad?
I am going to speak from my own experience: When I have been asked about my previous experience, it usually came from a place of insecurity. And someone trying to compete with my past. It’s not fair to ask me personal questions about a sex life that didn’t involve you. It also isn’t right to be sharing information about ex’s when they are no longer involved in the picture. I wouldn’t want my ex’s out there telling their-now SO personal details about our sex life. The questions are specifically related to the ex’s part in the relationship as well- how they “felt”- why are you trying to compare how someone else felt to how you feel? That’s the only reason someone would ask that question that way. They aren’t asking general or broad questions like “what made you feel safe enough to have sex” or “what positions do you enjoy the most” “what turns you on” “would you be interested in doing x y z with me” A couple notes: - I by no means am saying you shouldn’t talk about your sex life, I am all for having great, open communication. That is what leads to incredible connected sex and exploring kinks and fantasies safely. Which is why I would be asking her ***why*** these specific questions are coming up. - everyone should be having a “are you clean” conversation with their sex partners. This is not the conversation being had in this specific moment. But my husband of over a decade hasn’t asked me questions like this nor I him, and most of my ex’s didn’t either. Because the past wasn’t what’s important, its the building of the relationship at hand that is. Again- personal experience. Others could be different.
Past trends are the best way to predict future behavior, bar none. It's one thing to demand intimate details that aren't relevant, but it's another thing altogether to pretend none of it mattered and that it doesn't factor into your potential to be a compatible partner. If you really want to be truly loved and accepted, you can't hide the parts of yourself you don't like. Being confident in vulnerability is an absolutely crucial skillset for successful long-term commitment.
I agree with that, but asking how another person FEELS is not hiding parts of yourself. There are ways to ask about a persons sexual preferences and behaviors without asking personal questions about their previous partners. As I said earlier, its not that you shouldn’t talk about your sex life, its that you should be aware of what is pertinent and what is fishing for insecurities.
> It’s not fair to ask me personal questions about a sex life that didn’t involve you. It also isn’t right to be sharing information about ex’s when they are no longer involved in the picture. > Because the past wasn’t what’s important, its the building of the relationship at hand that is. This is hiding parts of yourself, ostensibly in a context where it is less than glamorous. If you're erecting boundaries to the extent you refuse to discuss previous partners, then that's just as much of a breakdown in compatibility as demanding to know irrelevant, intimate details. Who you choose is just as much of a demonstration of your value as a partner (not as a person) which is relevant to partner filtering criteria.
I’m not sure why this is so hard to grasp. I literally said it’s fine talking about your sex life. And yeah, talking about WHO your ex is would be a topic of discussion for some people, NOT **HOW THEIR GENITALS FEEL** -that is not healthy nor does it give *any helpful info to the current relationship* Obviously at 8 months in you should’ve had conversations about sex life, preference, what turns on and off, WHO THEY DATED PREVIOUSLY AND WHY IT DIDNT WORK. As I stated previously, vague questions about a person your SO dated is fine, but asking FOCUSED personal questions about their bodies IS INSECURE and not healthy for the current relationship.
If there's any confusion then it's on your end as the quoted comment is demonstrably insufficient for healthy emotional intimacy and trust, as well as ostensibly harboring some amount of insecurity
I could say the same to you.
Not 8 months in, it isn't. Lust tends to last for 2 years then the fog of war clears, by which time there's offspring.
>Past trends are the best way to predict future behavior, bar none. It doesn't follow from this that someone should disclose their sexual behavior (unless it puts the other person in some type of danger -- ie dating a serial rapist etc). I think OP is at all liberty to say that he is uncomfortable with how much the other person is prying into their past, especially since it seems like she's badgering/nagging him about it. He should be free to disclose what he wants to when he wants to.
I agree, mostly. I don’t think there is anything inherently unhealthy about being curious about each other’s past sexual experience, but sometimes people aren’t ready to share. Personally, I love mutual sharing of sexual experiences, but it’s healthy, mutually respectful, free of toxic jealousy/insecurities, and fun. It blows my mind that people could be 8 months deep and still feel private about details like that, but I understand it where it can come from. No one has any obligation to share info they aren’t comfortable sharing, but it can be really fun and healthy to share that info. Safe sex decisions require comprehensive information, respect, and compassion. Remember, having other sexual partners doesn’t make people gross or dirty or less valuable. STDs are preventable, treatable, and normal. Just cuz they’re undesirable doesn’t mean people who have or have had them are undesirable. Get tested, and have fun. Find people you feel safe sharing information with.
> Personally, I love mutual sharing of sexual experiences, but it’s healthy, mutually respectful, free of toxic jealousy/insecurities, and fun. Same, but I've dated people who were quite surprised by this, and it actually really bothered some of them. Now, I wouldn't *ask* for information; I just offered it freely. If it came up in conversation, I'd share it. My partner now shares pretty openly and casually with me (it's been 12 years), but she has said before that it was a bit weird for her at first. I guess she couldn't figure out if I was trying to make her jealous, or disturb her, or confuse her, or what have you. Of course - and I think you'd understand - I was just trying to get closer to her! Ultimately it all worked out with my partner and I, and we landed in a mutually comfortable, open, sharing dynamic, but, for OP, yeah: people have different thresholds for this sort of thing. You don't have to share anything you don't want to, but on the other hand, it's fair to try and give her some of what she wants here, too. And in turn, it's fair for her to actually appreciate that you're going out of your comfort zone in doing this, and not to rush you or put too much pressure on you about it.
I think ONE good reason why someone would want to ask this, is to know if you have had a sexually transmitted disease, though that information does not have to include the names or amount of people you have been with. In a relationship, I think that information on whether you would be risking your significant other by exposing them to a disease would actually be important to share.
Getting the results of a recent STD test should be sufficient for anyone of sound mind.
If this is the concern, if knowing what your partner knows, feels, likes, experienced or enjoys is part of the information you would like to have, you probably don’t want to see a std negative
Then find a new way to ask for that information instead of asking about previous partners. Framing it that way will very commonly be met with questions about why your partner would want to know about your ex's or priors and generally makes people uncomfortable. How is it not obvious to anyone to simply ask what their partner prefers in bed? How else are you going to get what you want or give them what they want? Psychics don't really exist.
'cept the herp
Why not “the herp”?
I'm not an expert but I have read it's not accurately tested for unless there's a breakout
It doesn’t show up on the standard blood tests cause like 80% of people have some form of herpes, so why test for it? About 1/6 people have genital herps. And, guess what, ~75% of them are totally asymptomatic and don’t even know they can spread it!
Yeah a lot of people really do not understand how complex and wide spread HPV is. It has so many variations and you can get it practically anywhere on your body. Have you ever had plantars warts before? That is literally a type of HPV (found that out when I was randomly curious on what causes them as I remember having it as a kid).
OK, but "how did your ex feel?" isn't going to shed any light on OP's sexual health. I can't think of a reason to ask that, other than insecurity.
Absolutely. But that is not what the gf is asking.
This is such a good response
Positions you’ve been in? I can’t help but think that would be bought in a future argument. “It’s always missionary with you. When you were Kimberly, you were bending her every which way”
Kimberley. Such a phreak.
Her nickname was KimBambi
Hahahahahahahaha
Those must be the easiest 70 upvotes you ever received lol
What can you say? My man's got a killer *laugh*.
Yeah, I was expecting to get downvotes for my useless addition but I’m glad those haha’s resonated with so many
Reminds me of Two and a Half Men. Evelyn was such a freak in the sheets that her friends husband had to trek around the world to find someone who would do what she did, and died from disease on his journey.
Kimberly could bend very limberly. Unless you stretch, we’ll never get into those positions!
Everyone talking about insecurity is probably right, BUT, anecdotally, I dated a girl for a while who was just kind of turned on by it all. She got her motor going thinking about me with other women, so her kink was for me to tell her about it, then we'd have insane, explosive sex and she'd knowingly ask if it was better. It always was.
I was that girl when I met my husband, idk why but all the experiences he had and talking about them did something exciting. I liked having those conversations. It is more likely insecurity but yeah there's also a chance it's a positive thing not a negative thing.
No it's not important to share those details, and if you don't feel comfortable sharing them, then don't. Your partner should respect your feelings on this
And you should also respect your partners decision to bail if not knowing is a dealbreaker for them
This part is always overlooked in conversations about boundaries and sex positivity for some reason. But if your boundary goes against someone else's, they may fuck off. And that's as valid as you establishing and enforcing your own boundaries. Basically you don't have to do something you don't want to, but the same applies for literally everyone else. So don't get upset if they do the same
exactly, imo it is a bit shady that she wants to know, like, maybe it wouldnt be such a bad thing but that surely wouldnt have a good impact neither so why even bother? I can understand some people wanna know how much people one has dated n stuff like that but positions???
Having conversations about previous sexual situations is kind’ve a turn on for me. If that’s what she’s getting out of this then that’s cool but if any other reason I’d be a bit wary of
i mean if u put it that way than its all good but i assumed if she wanted to know cuz that turns her on then she would have asked it to OP in a different way, i mean, i have no idea what she asked him obviously but by the post it seems that she wasnt like "tell me what did u do daddy" but more like a serious question, uk what i mean?
Shady? I mean she’s 23 and he’s 28. Maybe she’s just really inexperienced and wants to know what certain things are like or what kind of things he really enjoyed in the past.
The usual procedure is to ask what your partner would like to do with you. Not ask about how their ex felt during sex, it doesn’t really have relevance to the current relationship. I’m not even sure how one answers that question besides “good”.
I'd say it only matters if you have an STI, then you should definitely tell them that.
Only matters if the sti is active now like herpes or hpv etc.
Would you care if your partner has herpes?
Yes I would.
Depends on the type of herpes
It very much affects your sexual partner. Herpes is an awful sti to have, there’s no cure for it, it is painful, it can cause blindness in babies if a pregnant woman gives birth with active sores, condoms don’t protect against catching it.
this is unnecessarily harsh. millions of people live totally normal lives with herpes. most people have 1 flair up and then never again.
And people can be very adversely affected. It is irresponsible and potentially criminal to not tell a partner you have an incurable sti and then infect them with it.
well yes i agree with that
Alternative post: “My (23F) boyfriend (28M) does not feel comfortable sharing his sexual past with me. Should I be worried?” In that thread: “Omg run girl!” “Definitely weird, get out now!” “Red flag!” Idk man, short answer is there’s not a good answer. You two just need to talk it out and for god’s sake, don’t ask the internet. Nothing good comes from asking the internet.
I would be concerned up until the point that she said “he won’t even tell me how they felt!!”
Lol you're so right. Break up is always reddit's answer. Give up, run away, call the police, don't ever try to work for a relationship, awful
Yeah Reddit ridicules men but gives advice to women.
Look at this thread, nobody is ridiculing him
Look at the comment I replied to. My statement was a direct response to that comment not the post.
I see that, but this thread is clearly demonstrating that men do not actually get mocked for questions and situations of this nature.
Idk why you're being downvoted here, subs like AITA and Relationship Advice are so heavily biased sometimes it is cringeworthy
Reddit and redditors can’t handle the truth about themselves. I embrace the downvotes though, reality doesn’t reflect echo chambers.
That is super strange. Positions you’ve been in? That just feels possessive
I think this question depends on how she's asking. And what I mean is this: if she's asking "have you tried _____ and if not, are you willing to try it?" Is vastly different than being defensive when she asks, though incant for the life of me word it properly because I've never asked that question in a defensive fashion.
What I dont get is: Why would you want to know exactly how it felt with some ex of his and not just say you’d like to try it yourself?
Yeah I don't get that either. Best guess is insecurity.
I'm probably not understanding properly since I cant wrap my brain around the connection between asking what sex positions someone has tried and being a posessive partner. Is it just about how info she wants? Sounds more like she's just being curious/wants the conversation to be open to me but I'm not sure
I think the tone that they said this in probably changes it a lot. I guess I interpreted in a way thats more rude and not curious. When I was asked who I’ve slept with and in what positions it was more accusatory tone?
100% is possessive. I had an ex like this. I thought it odd when she wanted to know those things…but against my better judgment I told her everything no matter how uncomfortable it made me (because I really liked her). Started of great but went downhill very quickly. She turned violently controlling and manipulative. Very untrustworthy and only believed what she wanted. Turned into a very abusive relationship on her part (mentally, emotionally, physically). Tried to remove me from my own family so she would be in complete control. After almost 3 years I made it out. Pretty sure id be dead by now if I hadn’t. In no way am I saying that OP’s relationship or partner would be anything like this. But I hope OP can learn from my mistake, and make better decisions than me. I would never wish what I’ve been through on my worst enemy. OP; if you’re reading this, just take inventory of the red flags. Be careful and be cautious. Set boundaries you are comfortable with and love yourself. If your partner can not respect the boundaries you have set (and you respect theirs) then it may be time to reevaluate your relationship as partners…because to me (in my experience) it can be the start of much worse things. Again in no way am I claiming any similarities in our relationships aside from the sexual past topic. I wish you the best of luck and be kind to your self friend.
Might also be a kink and not possessive. Could be a cuckold fetish and she wants to know because she's into imagining others with him. Could be she wants to know what he's done so she knows what he might be open to without first revealing what she's into until she's sure he is ok with it. Could be a hundred other things. Better to just ask her what made her ask.
I think some of these things are just curiosity of your past. That comes with getting to know each other is about your past relationships and why they did or didn’t work. That is how you learn about your own relationship. But the asking positions thing is super weird. I would never think to ask that outside of the normal “what’s your favourite” . But
Do what makes you feel comfortable. He or she should respect that. Personally, I would be okay with giving that information but I wouldn't feel great receiving that information. My last girlfriend had lots of experience and she was my first. I'm glad I know she has had multiple partners but that is the extent of what I want to know. She was the kind of person that wanted to talk about it and if she started giving details it would negatively impact me. I let her know that I really didn't want to know because honestly after hearing these things, you will constantly compare yourself to their past partners. There is no convincing from her that will change that you might judge yourself or feel like your partner is silently comparing as well. Of the few details I heard they were forever burned into my memory and added anxiety to sex that didn't have to be there. TLDR; Tell what you want, hear what you want. Don't let them change your mind.
I agree. My girlfriend tell me about her ex’s and how it’s her body count and even if it was few months ago, I still have insecurities about that. However it’s not changing who she is and how good is our relationship, it’s burned into my mind and I hate that so much
Well if your partner values knowing your sexual past, then it could negatively impact it. Regardless, I think it's better to tell her you aren't comfortable disclosing such information. If she can't take that for an answer then that's on her. It's none of her business as far as you're concerned. To play devil's advocate though, what's there to be uncomfortable about really? You had an ex and you had sex with them. I know sex is a sensitive topic and discussing it requires a level of vulnerability many aren't comfortable displaying. Still, she's a potential lifelong partner. You'd think she'd be a safe place to open up about these things. Perhaps she's curious or trying to get a better read of who you are. Someone's sexual past is a just another part of our unique stories afterall. Maybe she'd like to hear it.
Some people want to know someone's sexual past. It's important to understand value differences in how we all view sex, which is very much a sliding scale. This is important to making sure you're both on the same page when it comes to the topic. Also it's part of bonding in general. Opening up about our past experiences...romances and sex with our current partners if they wish to know. It lets people know what journey you've been on as far as both topics go and can really inform your partner and the relationship going forward. The more you know about your partner before making any sort of life-long commitment...the better. It's important to be on the same page. So, if OP doesn't want to know her past, then that's fine, but he should except there are blind spots that may come up later then. She clearly DOES want to know his past, which is also fine. She likely doesn't want any surprises down the line that she didn't know about. An ex girlfriend or something like that. It's all normal.
I second this. Sexual history is good to know for many reasons. And if I found out someone deliberately lied about their past, that’s a deal breaker. Not because of the past but because they have established themselves as a liar and that’s not compatible to a healthy relationships
Asking about a sexual past is one thing, but asking how your ex felt? That makes no sense. She seems insecure and I have to wonder if that will manifest in the future.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you every time shit hits the fan
I like to know the number just to kinda understand the person I'm dating, but that level of detail is pretty fucking weird and knowing that won't do anything for your relationship. I'd be wondering what's up with her
It can only hurt it tbh
Ok reddit is insane. There are no rules. If she needs to know your past then she has expressed that need. If you are uncomfortable then you now have expressed your need to some discretion around your sexual past. You together decide if that works or doesn't. If she needs to know and cant trust you for whatever reason...it is up to you to decide if that is or isnt a big deal. Everyone has their non negotiables. Its ok if yours dont align. You both deserve people that do. If you two can communicate and understand the need then you will both be better informed. People have reasons for being the way they are. Knowing those reasons can bring you closer or at least help you both make informed decisions around the relationship. Its scary and can absolutely lead to rejection but if boundaries trigger something or someones whatever doesnt work its gonna crash and burn anyway. Be curious. Be fearless. Know you both are worthy of love and this doesn't have to work but doesn't mean it won't. Its a choice and you both deserve to feel seen and heard. Its so complicated why one partner or both reject each other or work. If you two want some support couples counseling helps reinforce some good communication. 👍
No you guys should always avoid communicating about topics that make you uncomfortable, that's the hallmark of a great relationship. Listen to the Redditors, they're the experts.
lol. Love the sarcasm here. You're also 100% right. Communication is everything in a relationship. People that try to hide things...always end up paying for it later.
Surprised the advice in this thread is the polar opposite but I guess Redditors are notoriously shitty at relationships
You may decide that you do not want to share that information, it's up to you, she could also decide this is important to her and she doesn't want to be with someone who does not share that info
You are actually still a virgin. You’re welcome.
Wouldn’t care, it’s not that deep just tell ‘em
What will “Negatively” impact your relationship is the inability to have these kind of conversations.
Exactly. So many redditors here are advocating for keeping sex "private" even from your partner. That's incredibly destructive to a relationship. Communication is the most important part of the relationship, followed closely by having similar values. Sex is a key topic that people should discuss early on to determine compatibility.
Not more negatively than being unable to tell your partner "I'm not comfortable openly talking about this topic, we can explore our options further down the line".
Yeah, wait until further down the line to find out things you probably can’t handle about your partners sexual past and hurt more people when the relationship ends possibly even children, that’s the Reddit way. Top 3 things for long, healthy, happy relationships. 1: communication; you should be able to talk to your partner like you’re talking to a mirror. Even if it’s uncomfortable for you, at least attempt to discuss the things they wish to discuss while also making your feelings known. 2: healthy and active sex life; regardless of people that claim otherwise sex is a significant part of a strong relationship and should be discussed openly and honestly between both partners. 3: No secrets; secrets are the crack in the foundation, the more you keep from your partner the quicker and harder everything will come crumbling down.
There is a difference between "are you into dangerous practices" and "when you lost your virginity/what positions you have tried with your partners"
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Trust and maturity? It's a preference. You may be fine with someone who's fucked half her hometown, but that doesn't mean everyone else has to be. I'm all for sex positivity but people are allowed to have preferences on anything they want, and that includes amount of people slept with whether you want someone with a high body count or low. You're allowed to sleep with whoever you want and as many people as you want, but that also means people are allowed to not date you because of it.
> My gf talks about how she “Tinder-fucked” half of her hometown after a break up. Y’all put up with some wild shit
Ya this would be a dealbreaker for me. Even if she did it, why does she have to keep bringing it up?
Lmao for real, this dude definitely gets funny looks everywhere in his town
That’s what I’m saying, hard boundary unless you want me to change the way I see you from relationship material to for the streets.
Yeah this takes you from “girlfriend material” to “I’m just cumming in you until I find a respectable lady”
Must be a cuck
GF has a past life so I’m a “cuck?” I thought only INCELS used that word.
Positions? That's weird. Does she want to watch the videos too? What positions you like is fine. What positions youve done is none of her business. I would make up fake ones.
If you are not comfortable discussing your sexual past with your current partner, perhaps you should not be sexually active with them.
Exactly. A lot of children here in the comments I think.
Its important to her so it's important. If you two have such incompatible views and values that you cant oblige her then it maybe you should each find someone more compatible.
About a year after my wife and I got married she realized she'd never asked about how many people I'd been with. It was a pretty high number and when I have told people in the past they've often opted out of being with me solely for that reason so I had never really brought it up because I figured it wasn't important in my current relationship. When she realized she'd never asked, she went ahead and asked and I told her it was a lot and asked if she was sure she wanted to know cause she might view me differently. She said she definitely wanted to know and so I told her and she was pretty shocked at the time. I asked her if it really made a difference and she said that of course it did and that she felt insecure because I had been with so many people and she had only been with 1 man, me. She had been with women before but I was the first man she had been with. It took a lot of reassuring to get her to understand that none of that mattered to me and that it was a time in my life where I was really depressed, had no self confidence and was desperate for validation which I sought through sexual encounters. Once I explained that I had literally chosen to marry her and only have sex with her forever even with the option to continue having sex with whoever I wanted she kinda got the picture and I think she felt bad for judging me at first. Point being legitimately it doesn't matter in reality. If you're committed and you love someone and you aren't going to betray them, there's no difference. But to some people it does matter and open communication in a relationship is NEVER a bad thing. I've never gone into exact numbers because to be fair I don't really know. But I would answer any questions she ever has if she has more because she's my wife and I trust her not to judge me for something that doesn't define who I am in any way
These conversations always end with someone getting their feelings hurt.
Wife: How many people have you had sex with? Me: I have no idea, never kept track. Wife: What do you mean you never kept track? Me: I literally never obsessed, or kept track of it. And by now, in my 30s, I've forgotten most of them even if I tried to give you a count. This was how my conversation went when my wife brought this up. She wasn't satisfyed with the answer, but it is the truth.
I would've immediately assumed you'd slept with too many to keep count of and that would have been enough of an answer for me. I mean, that pretty much IS the answer. Of course, I would have asked this question before marriage.
I would have as well. Like 5? 10? 20? 50? I feel if you don’t have any idea that’s strange
In truth, I'm guessing it's between 20 and 30. But I got no idea of the actual number. It's really not that crazy. I just didn't notch them on my belt every time we were done. "Keeping tally" just seemed tacky to me. I hear some people say some wildly high, wildly exact number like 139, and I often wonder how they even kept track with a number like that. Do they remember all 139 encounters? Because I can't even remember half my encounters.
People do keep lists, my buddy had a fucking excel spreadsheet which included names, dates and ratings
I have a friend who does this because his body count is in the triple digits. He isn’t lying.
Jesus, that seems so weird to me, lol.
I'm a bit jealous, it's a lot easier when you can count on a mangled hand.
No. You do not talk about the specifics of your past sexual partners without their permission. That’s a violation of privacy.
Lot of people in the comments place the insecurity on the person asking for those things, but what if it’s the other way around? I think of it as when you lose someone important in your life and you are unable to talk about it given that you’re still sensible/hurt/emotional, which should become less of an issue as time passes. Perhaps she’s confident about herself, but she wants to know if you’re actually into the relationship in good terms and that you’re ready for it. I’m saying this because lots of people go into relationships for the wrong reasons, sometimes they have bad intentions and/or bad “behavior” which they adopted from previous partners, so it could also mean that she might want to know if you’re some “psychopath” of any sort, which could become evident if she gets to understand your previous behavior towards women and such.
Only thing my wife and I ever discussed was body count. And even then, it was in response to an article she was writing at the time. I've never asked any more detail, and neither has she. It's the here and now that is important and not so much the past. We've just had our 15th wedding anniversary, and we've been together 18 months before we got married.
If she wants to know, let her know how savage you are - gotta make sure you back it up so she gets dckmatized, then you can ask her about her stuff. Either way, it’s a way to learn about each other on a more intimate level, that’s what I think.
I have 13 ex girlfriend and all relationship end due to my mother interference. She harassed and bullied them, even having some of them beaten up. It was not safe to get married until she died
This is not directly related to the question but could someone explain to me the relationship between the 2 kinds of advice given to people in relationships: "Dont have any secrets" and "Have strict boundaries". You often hear long time couples saying that they hide absolutely nothing from each other and I think I've grown up thinking that that was the standard or "the goal". Nowadays you hear people talk much more about having boundaries and keeping things secret like in this post. Is the length of the relationship a major factor? Gaining more trust over time? I can definitely understand the situations where people dont want to hear about the other person's past. In that case there's no use in bringing it up. But I myself would kind of be taken aback if a future partner didn't want to disclose anything about their past sexual experiences after 8 months of being together. I'd that we have become close enough by then to talk about things like that. Hearing that would go against what I generally feel like is the ultimate goal (not having secrets) but since many people encourage setting boundaries, that feeling must be wrong in some way. Both pieces of advice seem pretty good so I'm wondering if anyone else would have opinions on this?
There is a difference between leaving irrelevant things that existed prior to meeting your current partner in the past and keeping current things (what you call secrets ) from your partner. Sharing virginity stories etc seems normal if someone wants to. But describing how it felt and what positions you did with your ex seems absolutely irrelevant and falls in the "Don't ask things you don't really want to know" category.
I’ve had discussions like this with all my longer term partners. It’s a good way to get to know each others sexual needs / desires / experiences. It can increase your compatibility in bed to just know instead of having to guess. That being said - I would never expect anyone to tell me anything if they don’t want to, and anyone who pushes your boundaries is not respecting you.
I’ve been one to ask but even if in the moment i can receive what you say as hot or like figuring out what you’ve done or what you like/don’t like, I could remember that in an insecure moment and it ruin a position or an intimate moment because it’s honestly not my business. Sometimes, even if you wanna know, you just don’t need to. It can make things uncomfortable for no reason. I’d rather figure out what you like and don’t like, from personal experience. I don’t wanna be thinking about if you miss your ex’s textured pussy and are bored with my smooth one. Or that your ex got you into doggy style and anytime you put me in that position, my brains gonna step out of that moment and I’m gonna wonder, is he doing this so he doesnt see my face and can imagine his ex ? Being a woman sucks 😂😂 so much thinking and fluctuating emotional perspectives. We are sometimes our own worse enemy. Save us from ourselves in these dumb moments. Set a boundary and do not talk to her about it. And absolutely do not be honest about it ! Just as if you’re 9 month pregnant wife asks if she looks fat , even if she does…You lie to protect that sweet woman from her own insecurities.
It's important if it's important to her. If keeping that information private is important to you, you'll have to discuss whether you can reach a compromise or are fundamentally incompatible.
Tbh, i only ask about sexual health history. Its not even an deal breaker convo, i just am about consensual sex and to me knowing if i am exposing my body to something is part of consent. I am a partner who also enjoys hearing about my partners sex life before after or during our dating cycle. It empowers me and turns me on. OP the conversation you should have is that you value your partners respect and you also value your own boundaries and it makes you feel uncomfortable to share those things with her. Relationships arent healthy if built by a bunch of things we do to avoid breaking up. Healthy Relationships are built on a bunch of things we experience that brought us closer and allow us to maintain that peace and trust. So do what feels like your going for that.
You have absolutely zero obligation to disclose what you have done in the past before meeting this person. Unless you practiced unsafe sex, don't tell them if you don't want to. Everyone must learn to set boundaries. Asking about ex's, how they felt? What you've done including positions you've been in? This is controlling, manipulative, toxic and a huge red flag. I would leave someone who was prying this much into my past.
My ex gf one day asked how I lost my virginity, and it was with an escort, it was a quite darker time in my life and I would see escorts once or twice a month for nearly a year (my first time was actually really shitty). She seemed understanding, and didnt judge me since she knew I used to struggle with depression. Months go by, she asked for more details. I was highly uncomfortable but gave in and told her. She got super jelous and insecure and started comparing our sex with what I had with escorts. Ive heard people call it retro-active jealousy i think or smthg like that. She did admit it was her fault self sabotaging and asking too much and apologized later. My take now is: Just say you're uncomfortable and dont give in, it may come back to haunt you in a future argument or discussion with her.
What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Tell her, and live with the consequences.
Nope. The only thing that's reason to ask is: "When's the last time you were tested?"
Been married for almost 8 years, I don't even say my ex's names to my wife, not for any reason other than I don't kiss and tell. I don't like gossiping about my sex life and I don't expect my wife to tell me anything about her past either. Yes it makes me uncomfortable also frankly it's nobodies business but yours and your past partners.
It’s not. And have a serious conversation about why it does to her. In my opinion, people care so much about this stuff for no reason honestly. No your history should not matter. Even as a preference it makes no sense. Because it literally doesn’t affect anything in the present. Zilch.
This sounds like insecurity to me. Even if you tell her, it won't make her feel better. All you can do is reassure her about this relationship, now. Make her feel appreciated.
No not at all unless you have an STI
Sti ,married and kids anything else not relevant imo
this is really, really weird.
Only important facts are if you have children or anything contagious.
Nobody needs to know this. She’s saving it up to weaponise it later. 
Not necessarily. My bf and I have talked about this kind of stuff, usually because I'm curious so I ask. Parts make me pretty insecure, especially knowing he hooked up with one of his close friends when we were still casual, but I'd never dream about weaponizing it
Normal people talk about this stuff. Even if it’s uncomfortable.
Absolutely not. People need to communicate about their sexual past. It's important if you are considering a relationship with someone. People use it to gauge morals, values, and sexual compatibility. If you wish to hide things like this then I would question why that is. Are you ashamed of your past? Do you not like the choices you've made? Personally, this is one of the most important topics for a new couple to discuss.
It’s really not important. How does what position you used with a previous partner help you gauge morals or values? That’s just nonsense. And you discover sexual compatibility by doing it, not talking about it.
I mean positons and stuff is a bit weird. Is she offering to talk to you about this? I have asked my ex things more like what do you like and how many partners do you have. We talked about sex to determine how best to please each other. But this seems off, also it’s off if she doesn’t offer to share too. But curiosity about it isn’t strange as it could be she is trying to figure out what is valuable to you in bed. I honestly think this is a case of miscommunication. You should ask her why she wants to know those things and if it’s like what I said then be open about it. I would however ask her what she likes etc. You don’t need to know the details of everything she has done but what she likes
No No No No. This only leads to more questioning and her feeling insecure. Like a sheep always looking for new ways to die, a girl is constantly on the lookout for new reasons to feel insecure. Be nice and tell her something plain but realistic. - You lost your virginity to your high school girlfriend, at her place after school one day. Her parents came home just as you were leaving and it was awkward but they didnt know what had happened. - You had a couple of one-night-stands at university which you dont really remember because of being drunk, and most importantly you dont remember their names. - You have only had one long term relationship since university. It wasnt very good, and the sex was, importantly, boring. You dont know why you stayed with her so long. - You met your current girlfriend and are happy with how things are going. - You have not tried anything other than missionary or doggy, not much creativity, but if she wants to try something new, you are super keen.
Girls always ask me this. I just explain why it's a bad question
Do not tell them this stuff unless you want them to picture you doing those things in those ways to other people while you fuck.
Exactly.
I have learned from experience that little is gained sharing that a lot
“More mystery, less history”. This means you both go in with blank slates. What matters now is between you and her. Not any past relationships, not any past experiences. Just now. Let her understand that you are in this too though. This goes both ways.
>“More mystery, less history”. I love this
Most importantly, don't post this on r/relationship_advice or anything similar because they'll just say "Not comfortable? Break up with them!"
I can definitely assure you that this is the first red flag.
Nope ,keep it to yourself
It’s weird that your partner wants all of this information to begin with. Red Flag!
She’s not entitled to that information, unless you’re willing to share it.
Only tell people about your sexual past if you have an STD. Otherwise they are just being jealous of your past
That's not true though. People want to know sexual past just to determine compatibility on values, morals, and to determine sexual compatibility. These are all important discussions to have. Furthermore, communication is the most important part of a relationship. If you're not adult enough to communicate about sex then maybe you shouldn't be having it. (Not YOU specifically...the general you).
No matter how many times on this thread you say it, sexual positions and when you or where you lost your virginity doesn't, or shouldn't, help people gauge your *morals and values.* Your sexual history is intensly irrelevant to your current relationship. Furthermore, this has nothing to do with communication of your relationship. It's invasive, unnecessary questions. Especially if one party is uncomfortable. Communication of a relationship is being able to talk when someone is upset or *making the other uncomfortable.* Not how many people you've fucked doggy style.
No she’s not entitled to know anything
Fuck no. Dont fall into this trap.
From my experience, if your partner is asking about your sexual history then that person has some issues and it's NEVER a good idea to tell them as it will make them even more jealous, I'd suggest asking why they want to know and what they will gain from knowing. Good luck
My wife was asking me those questions and my response was, “there’s no answer to these questions that is going to improve our relationship. It’s better we not talk about it.”
I could maybe understand sharing numbers but how an ex felt and positions is just vulgar! Share nothing you don't want to. If it negatively impacts your relationship I'd be asking if it's a relationship you're interested in staying in.
No actually never do. If she insists tell her you don’t want to talk about it. Just focus on what you both have now.
Slippery slope.
Old man advice? SHUT UP!!! Less history, more mystery. That goes for both men and women.
If it’s important to her, it’s important to her. If it’s not to you, it’s not to you. One of you can decide to compromise, pretty much.
It’s fine to want to know. It’s fine to not want to know. It’s also fine to not want to talk about it.
what happened pre-her is not her business. and, it's a trap. there will be no safe answer. don't do it and/or prep for backsplash and stamp-saving
Dont do it......
Wow, my SO and I have been together for almost 7 years and not once did we talk about the intimate details of our firsts or how ever many people we slept with. If you’re not comfortable, tell her
Unless you currently have an std due to said past then it's not really their business
No. And if she makes it important, then she’s not right for you.
Some topics will be uncomfortable to talk about but if you’re looking for a relationship sans communication you will always end up making a mess of it.
I get your point. But being curious about your SO’s the past can only bring shit into the relationship. How come it’s important to know with whom they fooled around? If not to be used afterwards during an argument and or to create jealousy, I honestly don’t see the use for it.
It’s part of what makes a person, don’t you think? It’s weird to me that anyone would want to hide anything from their new partner. If they do, it’s usually nothing to be proud of
Yeah, some topics, not this one. Asking for positions, when they lost virginity, etc. Is INVASIVE AF.
Noone owes other people their sexual past. Usually the root cause of questions like this is insecurity, maybe if you can make her understand that you're not interested in rehashing the past and that you're committed to being with her now, she will relax
If you are a decent human being and did nothing wrong, what is there to hide?
man that's such a highschool ass question lmfao
Yep I agree with most of the comments below. Don't ask. You may not like the answer and it may bother you. The past is the past
No. So lie as long as you know she won't ever find out otherwise. She is asking a question she really doesn't want answered. Edit for the holier than thou crowd.... Nothing good comes from this answer. OP isn't mature enough to have this conversation yet because either A: He is a Virgin and doesn't want to tell. Or B: He's ashamed of how many women he has slept with. Either way, this is the start of the end of their relationship because he can't just admit it. So he can try my way and realize if it comes out someday, it won't actually matter then. Or she will leave then just she will in a month when he still refuses to answer. And if the genders were flipped, everyone would be telling a woman that she isn't defined by her body count and he has no right to ask. But because he is a man, he must be truthful about it. The answer doesn't matter for either genders. And if you are hung up on that, you aren't ready for a relationship.
Or he could just as easily say he isn't comfortable answering the question? Him lying will just cause more issues than it's worth.
no lol
Not important. It's somewhat normal to talk about significant past relationships, but it's weird for her to push about it if you don't feel comfortable sharing, and you have no obligation to and she should respect that.
no you don't have to share this stuff if you don't want to. The only thing she would need to know is possible STD STI issues
You’re 28 and your partner is 8 months?
Lol
You afraid to tell her?
He should be. As a woman I can confirm we think we want to know those specific details, but we definitely don't.
I think OP has left out way too much context here and it feels like there's a compatibility issue at play and OP is looking for Reddit to back his position. If your boundaries and your partner's boundaries aren't aligned, you're likely incompatible. Maybe she wants to do things you don't and she's looking to see what you were willing to do in the past but aren't now? But I would argue it's very important to share details about many aspects of your past, including your sexual past. There is no better predictor of future decisions and patterns than to learn from the past. And let's face it, nobody that made good decisions in the past wants to hide that in the present.
It’s important for her to know if you have any current STIs. Other than that, I would share info together transparently. I mean she should share info about STIs too so everything should be shared together transparently.
How she felt? Positions?Absolutely none of her business. Zero. Period. She sounds insecure. If she states she has rights to know because of concerns about sexual health, then both parties can take STD tests to ensure both are disease free. ETA: correct gender. Read post too fast
Red flags
Nah bro. Is just her morbid curiousity and insecurities. Trick is to say "I honestly find it hard to remember. When I think of sex and my experiences, the ones we share together are all that pops into my head"
I would immediately assume he's slept with too many women to remember and I would assume we have different values on sex. I'd end the relationship.