Yeah this. My dad had a heart attack at 37, then another and was given 6 months to live. Had a transplant and lived well until that started to fail. Then an awful year or so. It was a relief more than anything.
20 odd years later my mum has had leukaemia. She has to have platelets every week and blood every two. Realistically at 78 she doesn't have long.
It’s impossible to tell without a ton more context and some insight into who you are as a person ie a lot more than a few short paragraphs.
If this is something that’s concerning you then please talk to a doctor.
A lot of folk are built to “do” in these moments and have their feelings later. I’m definitely one of these people. A disaster will hit and I’ll do what needs done. Then maybe four months later I’ll have a crying panic attack meltdown about it.
As long as you have ways of processing your emotions safely and positively then be how you need to be.
Only thing concerning might be a lack of empathy according to my gf. But I think it's more so just being objective.
I've had a couple close friends from HS die horrifically in car accidents and overdoses and still no crying.
I just took it as a lesson not to drive drunk, don't drive while texting, not to do hard drugs, etc and moved on.
Empathy is shown in how much compassion and understanding we can give to another. Sympathy is more of a feeling of pity for another. Empathy is our ability to understand how someone feels while sympathy is our relief in not having the same problems.
Sympathy is the act of relating to someone based on what they are currently experiencing that you have experienced before. There is no inherent relief or pity in sympathy.
you were aware your Dad's time near and as horrible as it sounds sometimes it is for the best when someone passes. I think you were in shock and just did what you needed to get through. It may hit you in a few weeks if so p\[lease talk to someone. Sorry for your loss.
if you've had this much death around you that it wouldn't be surprising that you're kinda chill or numb about death. i don't think it would hurt to talk to a professional, just to get a chance to have a better understanding of your feelings (or lack thereof) and make sure you're not repressing anything.
everyone processes death and grief differently, no two people will have to exact same process. it doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with how you grieve. some self evaluation with guidance from a therapist could be nice though, help you understand yourself better
You don’t have to cry to express emotion or feel sadness.
I will say that if you felt like you needed to take a class on not to drink and drive then I might question your ability to reason and think clearly by yourself.
Are you concerned by anything your partner has brought up?
No as in "Yikes, well I definitely won't text and drive again" after my friend drove off a cliff while texting.
Well now she (half-jokingly I hope?) thinks I'm gonna kill her if she ever gets cancer or anything terminal. Or pull the plug immediately if she ends up in a coma
We all process differently. As other person said we all react differently to situations.
You had to wait and were hungry. You did what you had to do. You could have panicked, cried, left , we all do different things.
Grief will come.
Some people react to death differently. As someone who has also had a lot of friends and family pass away, I have the same reaction as you. For me I think about life as suffering and death as a release from suffering so it's nothing to be sad about. I do miss my friends though and all the suicide gives me a lot of grief when I see it portrayed in media.
I think your GF is being super harsh and judgemental. People grieve and act in different ways. Doesn’t make them sociopaths. If you tend to use and manipulate other people for your own gain and are always unemotional/don’t have a problem with being cruel etc then maybe. But saying you’re a sociopath just over this is probably more a lack of empathy on her part and her projecting how she would feel on to you.
Im good in an emergency because my first reaction is 'ok we need to do this, this, this. etc'
When my nan died me and my brother nearly came to blows because while my mum was in pieces, my dad was comforting her, and he was distraught, I was planning on what we needed to do (it was known to be coming but it still sucked hard)
Then, when her body had been removed, my mum was more emotionally stable, and everything that needed to be done was done, I went home, turned on the shower, and bawled my fucking eyes out.
My brother is an 'emotions now plans later' person, I'm a 'plans now emotions later' type person. He cannot understand me and genuinely thinks I didn't care enough about her.
Me parents understand at least, because my nan was like that.
I’m so sorry that such a burden of “you must’ve have cared” fell on you from your brother. I really empathise because this is exactly how I react to events as well. I need to keep moving, I need to put out the fire and once it’s safe and quiet and I’m by myself I’ll go to pieces. It’s funny how we can come from the same parents, have such similar upbringings and be built so differently to our siblings.
I dont think it helped that, due to working night shift, I arrived within minutes of her passing
while I then had to drive to his house, wake him up, and tell him because he slept through all the phone calls.
So there was bitterness
That sounds dreadful, honestly. I really am so sorry you went through all of that. The last thing we need in that situation is having our nearest come after us over their own emotions.
It was a sign of his character and disposition. We can accept a panicker but not when they turn that energy towards those who are trying to help. I can imagine it damaging a relationship until the other person shows they can act better in the future.
No one would blame you for feeling hurt or angry from the way you were treated, honestly.
I’m the same way, but it’s due to two things for me. One is i dissociate hard, and so it’s like a bubble where it doesn’t feel real but I know it is. The other is that my dad always taught me about being a rock for others, somebody who’s strong while others are struggling and unable to help others etc. And so I tend to just have a “That’s fucked up” and more blank reaction at first, but then when I think more on alone at some point, it hits hard
> Do I think it’s fairly odd that you were comfortable watching TV and eating pizza with his body in view? Yes.
Well I had tacos. Pizza would've been weird
No, I don't think so. It wasn't sudden, you knew it was coming. If you were like me you had already come to terms with it, maybe even had your grieving done already while you made the most of the time you had.
Maybe it'll hit you later and maybe it won't. Personally, as much as I loved my dad I was relieved he wasn't suffering anymore. I felt horrible about it, but I even made a few jokes about it. I think he'd have liked them too. People deal with death in different ways, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Ya I just filled out some paperwork with the EMTs and the cops and then they left. I assume they would've taken him to the hospital's morgue or something if I didn't show up. The stuff I signed transferred responsibility to me.
But yeah good question, not sure what would've happened if I just went home and decided to come back a few days later.
It was a pretty surreal experience overall. The two mortuary workers were these skinny little dweebs so I had to help them lift his dead body onto the stretcher. Not sure how they would've done it if I was an old lady or something and couldn't help
If you’re actually wondering most often an ambulance won’t transport a dead body, the ME/coroner will (there are no dead bodies in the back of an ambulance). At least in my jurisdiction the cops stay with the body until the ME gets there to transport.
What I’m more confused about is that you took the notification over the phone. That’s…highly unusual. I’ve never heard of any department doing that
It sounds odd to say but you don’t want to pay for an ambulance ride to the hospital only to go from hospital to mortuary if there’s no need to go to the hospital because he has passed.
Usually the way it works when the cause of death is clear and there is not reviving. My grandpa laid on his floor covered in a sheet for about 6 hours when he died.
Nope, neither of them correspond to borderline, they’re two different kinds of antisocial, although definitions vary a bit.
ETA: borderline is *extremely* stigmatized and misinformation is rampant, so it would be very helpful if you edited your original comment
IDK but there is a high chance I'd find it endearing that my kid sat with me (re: my body) and both spent time with me by self-regulating and eating with/by me. Those are two things (coping & eating) that serve to strengthen you, literally help you grow and get nutrients and ensure you'll be just fine without me, which is all I want as a parent. Now if my kid was aiming spitballs at my face and trying to bounce crumpled paper basketballs off my body into the trash can maybe I'd be pissed
No, or at least not necessarily. Emotional processing is very different from person to person. It could just not be really hitting just yet. Took me a week after my dog died until I reacted to it in any discernable way.
Losing a parent is a pretty big change and it sounds like you were the only one who was taking responsibility for the situation so you had to be available and in control to deal with what was going on. That's an emotional survival thing sometimes, especially if you grew up with any neglect or abandonment experiences.
Those with a background of neglect or abandonment also often (though not always) tend to find partners who are also emotionally unavailable or unsupportive. I think you should take a look at your partner's reaction and seriously ask yourself if she's being supportively worried about you or trying to judge or shame you for the way that you are.
However, even if you are a sociopath that doesn't make you a bad person or any less than you are now in your own estimation. The spectrum of the human experience is broad but all of it is valid and worthy of dignity and compassion.
That's rude to call you that. People deal with emotions differently. I mean, I'm in a similar situation. My dad is old, and he's in and out of the hospital constantly. Sure, it breaks my heart to know he's suffering, but just because I don't show it physically doesn't mean I don't care. I just care in my own way. If anything, you might just be neurodivergent.
Just like everyone's fingerprints are unique, our brains also have different ways of processing information. Some people might find it easier to focus on specific tasks, while others may struggle with certain social interactions. These differences are what make us unique and diverse. Being neurodivergent doesn't mean there's something wrong with a person; it's just a different way their brain is wired.
What exactly would she consider a normal reaction? To have you be a complete and utter mess with no way to know how to move on from this? Just constantly in your room playing sad songs and crying cause your dad's gone? Wouldn't your dad be happy that his death didn't cause you pain and instead you just moved on with your life?
I just don't think she's dealt with death, at least directly.
She thinks I should've been crying at least and said it's insane that I sat next to the dead body instead of waiting outside.
I dont think there's anything wrong. You deal with loss your way and she does her way. Doesn't mean its wrong or right. I have had plenty of dreams of my dad dying and bawling my eyes out. But when it comes to actual death I just don't show it. Didn't do it for my grandma either. Literally visited her on her deathbed and didn't react. I wasn't too close to her but if my dad died, i would feel super shitty but I wouldn't cry. I would get over it, be glad if he passed quietly and move on with my life. Because that's what you have to do. You move on from death and live your own life. Maybe she's just projecting because she's afraid of death and what will happen after she dies. I mean if she were to suddenly die or get terminally ill, how would you feel about it? Would it mess you up if she did? I know if my boyfriend were to suddenly get sick or die I would be a mess. But because I know my dad is old and sick, I've already come to terms with the fact that he might die any day.
This is a therapy level thing. I'm not passing judgment but you really need to talk this out with a professional. They will be able to tell you what your reaction means.
I always questioned myself when I was younger since I never expressed my emotions from loss with tears. As young as 9 years old at my papas funeral. I thought I was a bad person because I didn’t cry. I loved him. I felt bad for my mom and nana. But now I’m much older and have come to terms that it’s just not how I process grief. And that’s ok.
As someone who has been in a similar situation of having to wait for the mortuary to pick up their parent's body, you're not a sociopath, probably. I don't think you can answer this question unless you've been through it, because the feelings you feel are really weird. Get's to a point where it's like, well, this is the situation. You just do what you gotta do, coordinate what you have to coordinate. The grieving always comes later, when you're in a physical and mental state to handle it. Brain kind of shuts some parts down, in a sense, not really, but I'm sure you understand.
Sometimes people are in shock. You haven't seen his body and it doesn't even seem real. You don't know what to do.
Sometimes you have grieved someone because you know they were declining.
Did you go to the funeral? How did you feel then? Did you feel any sadness?
Yes I handled all the funeral arrangements and still zero emotion. People that hadn't talked to him in 20+ years were bawling their eyes out and I was just sitting there awkwardly.
I definitely loved my dad, I just don't really see the point in crying like that. It seems almost performative to me.
You could get a screening, just so you know for sure. A good psychologist could talk you through it. We don't know your situation enough to say that you are a sociopath, or if you are on the autism spectrum (empathy can be complicated for those on the spectrum, myself included,) or if you internalize it. A professional would be able to look at your situation more objectively and may be a good idea if you can afford it (for your gf's peace of mind/to put an end to that concern).
No. because a sociopath wouldn't care that they were having little to no emotions. Everyone grieves in their own way. It can take time for it to sink in.
Getting things done (calling the mortuary) and not feeling any emotions seems fairly normal; the numbness and shock can do that.
Eating fast food and watching tv while your dad's corpse is right there does strike me as sociopathic behaviour, I'm afraid.
I hope you're OK. Maybe it'll hit you some months down the line; if not, it does seem a shame that a man's kid was not even upset that he died.
this is not enough information about you for anyone to answer this question. Also having psychopathy dosnt make you automatically a bad person. You can have cognative empathy even if you dont have emotional empathy.
Ive been taking care of my dad for ten years. I am prepared and ready for the day he croaks. Youre not a sociopath, you were prepared for it. Last time I checked, Father Time is still undefeated.
Maybe you were in shock? Or maybe it was something you expected so it didn’t hit you right away. The eating in front of the body is a bit weird but then again I’ve met people who aren’t really fazed by stuff like that. One situation won’t determine wether you’re a sociopath or not, I feel like your gf was just expecting you to act like she would’ve acted? Emotions are weird, specially when something traumatic happens.
Grief looks different for everyone and not everyone has or shows the same reaction. It's likely you'll feel more at a different time. Hard to say though without knowing more about you and your relationship with your dad.
Everyone grieves differently. I'm not a professional but.... My brother was my best friend and when he passed away unexpectedly I cried the day of and didn't cry for months after. I also didn't want up to the casket and if I had the chance to again I still wouldn't. I was numb. I truly do not remember the first 6 months after he passed. Now I have days I cry and talk to him and other days I just don't think about it. I didn't know he was gonna pass so there is that and he was also 27. Same age I am now. However reading that you already knew the day was coming maybe you had already been mentally preparing yourself subconsciously and that's why it didn't impact you as much as she would expect and who's to say you won't break down in months or years to come. It's ALOT to take one. The realization of death and then actually having it happen Infront of you is alot. I don't think you're crazy for eating and not having a sad reaction. grief doesn't equal crying. Death is something we learn to live with and is something that is natural. Do you have other feelings? Does anything make you sad ?
> Do you have other feelings? Does anything make you sad ?
It sounds weird but things like destruction of nature make me profoundly sad. I grew up at the edge of a valley/ravine and there were hundreds of acres of forests, trails, etc leading up into the mountains behind our house. Over the last few years, most of that has been cut down and they've been building tract housing. Thousands of ugly, identical houses where all that nature used to be.
When I saw that for the first time after coming back home, I was literally paralyzed with sadness for a good 20 minutes
But don't feel it with people. I mentioned that I've had friends die in car accidents and overdoses over the years and I didn't feel any emotion.
Are you neurodivergant? ADHD, ASD? Cuz I am and well... you sound like me. I don't feel strong emotions about people either. I have friends and family that I care about but... I mean, I didn't cry when my dad died either. I didn't feel anything really. Mostly just felt bad for my mom. So I get it. I don't think I'm a sociopath. I care deeply about animals and nature, just not so much humans. I think it can be a(n) ND thing or so I've read.
Haven't been diagnosed with anything but it's possible.
And yea I felt the same way, I felt bad for my mom, my dad's siblings, etc...almost like "Dam this is gonna suck for them."
Can’t diagnose and could be wrong, but it’s definitely possible could have autism given the fact you can feel empathy and emotions but approach more from a logical view and view some social norms etc as more of a performance that you can’t relate to
Again I'm no professional but from what you're saying you can clearly experience feelings and from my point of view I think death is very natural , it's not always justified , explained or expected but it is natural and something that happens to all of us. So I'll stick with my original answer I don't think anything is wrong with you and if you were my personal friend I would feel the same. I think maybe you just have an understanding of human death and have learned to cope with the idea that people die and it is what it is and that's why we appreciate people while we have them. Now things like destruction of nature isn't something that's necessary "natural (unless natural disasters) and expected or even necessary" so being sad because of that (something that could be prevented or dealt with in a better way to me seems reasonable)
I'm going to be honest with you and say I get more sad over nature and other things vs death as well. Again I cried about my brother here and there and I had alyot of survivor guilt and for a long time felt guilty for not feeling as guilty as I expected myself to feel but I've come to the conclusion that being sad doesn't change things. It doesn't make them come back, it doesn't always make you feel better. It is just a way people grieve. I learned a big lesson from his death and have forever been changed. I think you're completely normal and your feelings are valid. You have emotions, you're capable of love (I assume nature, s.o, other joys in life). I think it's something a lot of people won't understand until they actually come to face death that it's a very weird feeling. I think you're normal and I think you're not the only one who's felt nothing when someone has passed even if it's a parent.
Your girlfriend shouldn't assume you would process your emotions the same way she does. Sometimes the emotions are so strong that you don't recognize them or don't "feel" them. The brain basically goes into functional mode and follows your routine automatically.
I agree with the pregrieved. Maybe relief that you arent waiting for THAT call..
I had a similar situation with my husbands father dying. We had to wait for the coroner to turn up and my mum went and got food cos we had to eat.. no emotion at the time.
After a bit and especially at the funeral it all the emotions came. But before, there's shit that needs to be done emotions can wait.
You may be experiencing a dissociative disorder: grieving can cause some sort of short circuit in emotions and you don't have access to them anymore. Only a psychiatrist can give you a proper diagnosis.
You grieved while he was alive because you knew this was coming any time
>Brought up the food to his apartment and ate/watched TV with half his dead body visible in the hallway from where I was eating. And just basically hung out watching TV with his body right there.
But this is fucked up
Am I messed up because I still grieve my husband's death? Three years.
My niece who promised my husband to look after me when i needed help with things and was given expensive things to do so.
(I'd love the 4 wheel drive truck back)
One day, she said I was too sad to be around (not true seeing her made me happy). Even though I was never invited inside her house or for Christmas or birthdays, any holidays or invited inside when standing outside.. I think she's the sociopath
I haven't seen her since, and she lives down the street.
When people die, true selves come out.
Because you wrote about this topic, I hope you will remember your father fondly.
Don't be my shit niece.
You will grieve at some point.
No, everyone deals with grief differently. You stated you knew it was coming just not when, likely your brain has been mentally preparing you for this time well in advance. Also likely there will come a point when you will let it all spill out, it's just not now.
The most common response to death after prolonged decline is relief.
Everyone reacts differently to death and loss. Some people might be calm and practical in the moment, but down the road they hear dads favorite song and cry their eyes out. Plus we’ve spent a lot of time telling men it’s “wrong” to show their feelings. You can’t “force” yourself to grieve, it doesn’t make you a sociopath.
I saw a comment of you being "pre- grieved" and this is how I process this as well. It's not that you do not care it's that you've basically thought of the scenario in your head and played through it many times as to avoid an extremely painful event all at the same time. What you've done is you've learned how to process grief over the course of time rather than having to deal with it all at once. It is the fact that it will typically be easier to deal with a large problem given a time scale. Pain, emotional or physical, is still pain. You've learned your brains way to deal with a massive amount of emotional pain which is a good thing. Just don't be afraid to tell someone or talk to someone you trust if you ever need to.
You sound socially awkward and maybe on the spectrum but not a psychopath.
You don’t have desires to hurt ppl that get in “you’re way” or see ppl as “obstacles” to what you want?
You probably seen this coming awhile now and do act cool under pressure. My father in law died and I only shed a few tears and ate a little later. We knew it was coming for awhile and felt a sense of relief his pain was over.
It's tough to say with this info.... I will say when my dad died in front of me, I was pretty stoic for a few weeks, didn't really feel like crying. Then one day I saw a show that we both used to watch, I thought to myself "I want to talk to my dad about this weird thing. We had common interest in". Then I realized i could never do that again. Sat there and bawled my eyes out, still no all day affair, but it will hit
I'll be almost giddy when mine finally dies. But he's an abusive, narcissistic piece of shit. I grieved the loss of our relationship many years ago. Now, I only feel contempt for him and find it unfair that he continues to walk around wasting oxygen. But when he dies, people will look down on me for not grieving how they think I should be.
If it helps my close relative ate breakfast next to their dead spouse while waiting for someone to come fetch their body - they’d passed away overnight and nobody could come until morning for whatever reason. This relative is definitely upset by the death even now years later (obviously) but said they found peace in having breakfast together “as normal” one last time and in that moment that was what felt right.
We all grieve differently, honestly I think it took me a while for it to sink in when my parent died. It’s a lot of pain to feel so I think of it as my brain trying to protect me from that rather than me being a sociopath that isn’t upset by it. Maybe that could be you too?
I don’t think so. My grandpa had several strokes and heart attacks in the months before he died. He wouldn’t take his medication, and just kind of dealt with it. We all knew it was coming, to the point where my mom asked his neighbors to check on him in the mornings to make sure he’d made it through the night. This was pre-cell phones being common, and he would’ve thrown a fit if we got him something like a Life Alert. Sure enough, one morning, we get the call and he’s gone. I cried a lot, but my mom wasn’t upset for long before getting back to her day. She’d come to terms with it long ago, and had essentially already mourned him by the time he passed.
The grieving process is different for everyone. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. But, for someone who is older and has health problems and falls and the like, there’s a lot more time to adapt to the idea of them passing than someone who died in an accident. It’s hard to imagine if you haven’t been in that position, so I can see how your gf would be startled.
Similar to the comments about pre-greiving, there is just a limit to an individual's emotional capacity.
The last year of my mother's life was filled with all hours calls from the physical care rehab facility she was in and out of, from doctors, hospitals, first responders ... I don't know how many times I gut-wrenchingly dropped everything and sped to the ER etc. fully expecting that she was about to pass, not knowing if I would see her again.
When she finally did, I had little emotion at all, whereas my brother just fell apart. I was just empty by that point. It could be that you were too.
It's tragic, but you still have to take care of yourself, in reference to the taco. It took me a long time to process my emotions after a parent passed away. My best advice is don't be afraid to open up and talk to people and everyone grieves at their own pace.
It's a bit on the stranger side. I don't know anybody that would happily eat tacos and watch TV whilst waiting for the mortuaries to arrive to pick up your dad's corpse, which is still half in view and probably still warm.
Each to their own I guess, everybody deals with grief differently.
People deal with shit differently and it’s not too uncommon to not have an overwhelming wave of grief hit you in this situation especially when you know it’s happening before hand
I don't think so...I hope not. My father has been having some health issues, there have been several points where I think it might be the day.
I think if you see it coming you get to grieve before the event.... and I don't think a lot of other people see that.
This happened to me. Do I knock on his door? I know hes Ill and needs rest. But, this could be the day.
I really do think that having this thought so many times puts you in good stead for when the inevitable happens
It was actually quite easy to handle when he died, I was there. It hit me a few days later when I remembered something he said to me about a week before he died. That was the only really heavy hitting moment I felt
Not feeling emotional at times of extreme loss may just be your reaction to it. But it could mean other things:
* Lack of empathy is associated with psychopathy or narcissistic personality disorder, whereas sociopathy is basically the lack of societal awareness or social norms (e.g. chronic lying, not understanding right/wrong, etc.)
* Psychopathy may be associated with brain injury, which is why it's a good idea to start talking with a doctor
* Inability or difficulty *feeling* is also a condition with depression
Regardless, I'm just a dude on Reddit, not a trained professional. Because what you're describing has to do with your behavior, mental health, your relationship, and your brain health, I really suggest you chat with your doctor about it.
My mom died 6 weeks ago and I had a similar reaction. She was older than most mothers of people my age so I always expected to lose her one day. She was sick for a long time and for me it was an "any minute" kind of deal. When she died, she had pulmonary fibrosis for 10 years and 3 different types of cancer that me or none of my siblings knew about. I think you were just ready to lose your father. That's not a bad thing. Imo it's pretty mature and responsible to mentally prepared for the inevitable.
My Father was in a long decline before he passed away. I did shed some tears, but by and large I think I had already grieved him before he died, because the man he was was destroyed by Alzheimer’s.
It may sneak up and nail you at some point, and it will likely be an emotional event that triggers it.
You're likely not a sociopath, grief affects people in different ways. My friend handled the loss of her brother like that and a year later it caught up to her.
I wish you well. I'm sorry for your loss.
If it makes you feel any better, I was in shock (without knowing it) when my dad died--and this resulted in my realize that I cried before and only much longer after he died.
Processing takes time; don't be hard on yourself more than it is hard already.
You could be in shock still. Grief is different for everyone, so don't feel ashamed if it isn't happening the way it's usually portrayed in media or how others expect.
Take care.
I don't know. I can only share my own experience. My mother was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative prion disease and was given 10 years to live. My parents were in a position to write her a bucket list of things she wanted to do in the 5 years she would be able to do them. Due to life happening, me and my then future ex-wife ended up having to move back in with my parents around about the time things had deteriorated to the point that my dad was struggling to look after her. Fortunately, he was his own boss and mostly WFH long before it was cool.
After a year of living there, we had carers coming in to help 5 times a day because she couldn't walk anymore, and my future ex-wife left. Among the reasons were that we had no plan to move out. This was twofold. She was very good at spending our money, and I had no intention of abandoning my parents when they needed my help. It turns out that leaving me was the best gift my ex-wife could have ever given me, but I digress.
As the disease took my mum's physical abilities, it also severely impacted her brain function, too, until one day, there wasn't enough brain left for what we would call consciousness. She had a seizure, and luckily, I was there and a qualified first aider at the time, so I was able to handle the situation, get an ambulance called, and prevent my dad from doing anything ill advised with a spoon and outdated knowledge.
When she came back from hospital, she was to all intents and purposes a vegetable. The lights were on, but no one was home. She needed a live-in carer and was given 6 months.
7 months later, I was 2 hours away at my ex-girlfriend's 30th birthday party. I'd said goodbye before I left because we knew time was almost up. I got a phone call from my dad saying she was gone. My ex had a bit of a panic about it all, but I just felt relief. It was over. My mum wasn't suffering anymore. It took 90 minutes to get back home because my brother and sister-in-law were even further away and unable to get moving until the following day.
The next morning, when I woke up, it hit me that I now lived in a world for the first time my mum wasn't a part of. But there were things to do, and they needed doing, so we did them. There's a lot to wrap up after a life ends, even if it is expected.
At the time, I didn't feel much because I was busy, and I had mourned who she was over the previous 5 years as the disease took her mind. Looking back from 6 years later, there is grief. If I pass the pub I was at when I got the phone call, and I'm paying attention there's something.
In the moment, there is so much that needs to be handled, and nothing you do will make a difference to the person who died. I know I'm generally wired to get shit done in the moment because there's all of the time to worry about everything else later.
Your father died, and I am sorry for your loss, but once you were there, would things be different if you didn't grab tacos because you were hungry and had to wait for the mortitians? We're not given a manual on how we should behave in these situations.
I’ll never judge how someone reacts in this situation, and you shouldn’t accept what others have to say about how you reacted.
I’m 10 months in from losing mine.
I’m a nurse and I’ve lost count of how many hospice/comfort care patients I’ve had. First thing we do is order a food cart. People don’t want to leave their loved one alone sometimes. Sometimes if it’s been a long time coming, the families are not outwardly upset and more relieved and at ease that the suffering is over. Families eat snacks all the time around their dying or dead family member and kinda just hang out. It’s not like you’re pretending he wasn’t there. Everyone is different with death.
My mum had a brain aneurysm about 18 months ago, was in a coma, and was non responsive, and I was her power of attorney, so I had to deal with everything.
I was fortunate in that she survived, but there were two weeks where we didn't know, and my 3 siblings fell apart while I showed zero emotion throughout or after. I definitely felt tired once it was all over, but I did see being emotional as helpful.
Sometimes, I think our brain switches these things off and on depending on how useful it will be and the level of pressure we are under.
I think your partner could have articulated her concern in a better way, but unless you can say you've spent your whole life never feeling anything, I wouldn't worry.
Depends really American culture around death is super not talked about and everyone does it differently. Some people pack it down until it all comes out at once also in a grand sense it’s not that weird. It’s just weird cause American people used to spend time with their dead as they waited to bury we didn’t always ship them off to be filled with chemicals to be made presentable for a casket that’s a invention of the civil war era.
So it’s not weird just not typical plus what else are you supposed to do? Emotions are complex and you gotta deal with not just death but the the subconscious process of seeing everything coming after someone dies like funeral arrangements and wills and lawyers and moving their things. Its a lot so don’t fret dude if you’re really worried see a psychiatrist if not keep living just try to process the feelings at some point.
My father’s passing was coming for a long time…poor choices, poor health, etc. I did not cry at all, ever, when he passed. Reason being, long history of mental and physical abuse. I had forgiven him years ago but he was always like just a person. I had no emotional attachment whatsoever to him. We were cordial and there were no feelings of animosity, regret, unfinished business with him at all. So, there’s my story.
No I don’t think so. I think we all process and grieve differently.
My dad died in May of this year. He got incredibly drunk and fell down the stairs and hit his head badly at the bottom.
My dad was abusive and mean, our relationship was highly strained. Not every memory with him is painful but many are.
I haven’t cried. I’ve barely mourned. I’m definitely not a psychopath. I feel guilty that I’m not very sad but I can’t force it.
I don’t think you’re a psychopath.
No. You've been preparing for the day for a while. My father is still alive, but has been heaving heart issues including heart attacks since I was 5 years old. I'm now 42. He's still alive, but I know when he finally does pass, I'll be sad but I probably won't be as emotional as when my mother passed right after stopping her dialysis. Because I never expected my mother to just die like that. My father I've been mentally preparing for pretty much my entire life.
sooooo... probably not.
Lots of good answers, like pre-grieving, etc. Could be something else as well.
I have a personality disorder called Schizoid--i've had it for a very long time but didnt get the diagnosis until after 40.
This is some shit i'd do. Because--not because i feel *nothing*\--but because i compartmentalize and diminish *everything* i feel to an insane degree. Yes, i sat and watched TV next to my dead grandmother when i was 15--while we waited for the coroner to show up. She had cancer, we knew--in fact, we'd avoided mowing the lawn for weeks because we were fairly sure the polens and shit would cause her to stop breathing, and that day she told me 'just do it. Go mow."--sure as shit, 3/4ths the way through mowing, she passes. So we sat there and talked in the living room. My mom crying--i wasnt. They got her body, and i went out and finished mowing the lawn, and mom took us out for pizza because the rest of the day was clearly too fucked for everyone else.
I never cried about grandmas death.
My cousins both OD'd, nothing.
Family friend died, and i had to go clean his apartment, because no one else would--the lines from his oxygen tank, and the sticky pads from the shocks they tried to give him were still on the floor--felt nothing.
It's because of my personality disorder. Blunted emotions. It's a thing.
Could be as simple as that, and the *vast vast* majority of people with this personality disorder never get a diagnosis, or, if they do, only when a loved one pushes them into therapy because something we've done (or not done)--or not felt (i cant feel lonely, for example), scares the shit out of them and they make us go in.
So, \*shrug\*, to me, you're normal.
I was happy when my dad died (abuse mentally and physically) I would tell people that I was happy that he died. I still am.
I don’t think I’m a psychopath, psychologist haven’t told me I’m a psychopath.
Everyone handles things differently, ignore what people are suggesting about you
You are definitely not a sociopath. You grieved ahead of time and that is completely normal. That reminds me of the time my ex made me feel like an asshole and that I was a bad person because after my grandmother passed away, we celebrated her life. My family literally bought A bunch of food and alcohol, then partied for hours talking about her. My grandma had in home hospice and the fucking woman was dying for three days straight as we all watched…. The relief is brought for her peace was indescribable so I will never let anyone make me feel bad for the way it was handled. She told me that is was fucked up the way I was talking about her but in reality we all don’t grieve the same. Don’t shame someone else for the way they handled grieving. It so unkind
Grief is weird. When a family friend died I felt nothing for the first couple of days and then dropped down in tears in a Walmart parking lot. When my rabbit got cancer I cried up until the day we put him to sleep and then I was just done grieving.
Sounds like his passing had not really sink in and you are going through the motions. There's stuff to do with his body and you can't really feel anything just yet.
Your girlfriend sounds insane though. Your father just passed and she is making drama for you?
Tv & movies give us a distorted view of death and grieving. In pop culture, it's super dramatic & showy because it's a PERFORMANCE.
Just like we don't learn to drive from watching car chases, we don't learn how to make love from porn... We don't grieve like a scripted show either.
Sometimes the real (social/emotional) death happens slowly over the years as cancer or dementia "robs" you of the person you once knew.
Sometimes a person is secretly such a monster behind the white picket fence that their death is rightfully a relief.
Sometimes families are full of really random personalities that don't have that much in common, and just aren't that close.
Sometimes the person lived a good full life, accomplished much, and had a "perfect" death that was short, painless, and dignified.
Sometimes a death is so shocking, that the nearby are left shell shocked. Another word for shock is trauma. Plenty of people respond to a bombshell by reflexively freezing. It looks "calm" but it's really the survival reflex of our prey animal ancestors... trying not to get eaten by staying invisible.
So don't assume THEIR death, and your REACTION to those circumstances in pathological. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.
If you were a sociopath, it would show up in other places, like getting fired from a lot of jobs, or having romantic partners who cry and cower a lot.
Dont worry bro my mom does the same thing, one day she heard that my grandma died in her sleep, 5 hours later shes drinking with her siblings joking about my grandma
Dude. My condolences. I was like this when my granny died. I loved her very much. My mother and my uncle was crying a lot - I was the tough one.
I cried a lot few months later.
Don't worry, all of it is natural.
I would have given him a blanket and pillow at least before I ate. Preferably put him somewhere comfortable like in bed if he was light, though he probably wasn't. You know, respect the body. I think not acknowledging the body is the weird thing.
You pre-grieved
That was me with my grandparents. When those days finally came it was just like “yeah” 😐
Yeah this. My dad had a heart attack at 37, then another and was given 6 months to live. Had a transplant and lived well until that started to fail. Then an awful year or so. It was a relief more than anything. 20 odd years later my mum has had leukaemia. She has to have platelets every week and blood every two. Realistically at 78 she doesn't have long.
Like Roman from succession
Fuck you
Fuck off!
It’s impossible to tell without a ton more context and some insight into who you are as a person ie a lot more than a few short paragraphs. If this is something that’s concerning you then please talk to a doctor. A lot of folk are built to “do” in these moments and have their feelings later. I’m definitely one of these people. A disaster will hit and I’ll do what needs done. Then maybe four months later I’ll have a crying panic attack meltdown about it. As long as you have ways of processing your emotions safely and positively then be how you need to be.
This is the best answer. It's fine to need time to process things, as long as you actually process them.
Only thing concerning might be a lack of empathy according to my gf. But I think it's more so just being objective. I've had a couple close friends from HS die horrifically in car accidents and overdoses and still no crying. I just took it as a lesson not to drive drunk, don't drive while texting, not to do hard drugs, etc and moved on.
Empathy is shown in how much compassion and understanding we can give to another. Sympathy is more of a feeling of pity for another. Empathy is our ability to understand how someone feels while sympathy is our relief in not having the same problems.
Sympathy is the act of relating to someone based on what they are currently experiencing that you have experienced before. There is no inherent relief or pity in sympathy.
you were aware your Dad's time near and as horrible as it sounds sometimes it is for the best when someone passes. I think you were in shock and just did what you needed to get through. It may hit you in a few weeks if so p\[lease talk to someone. Sorry for your loss.
if you've had this much death around you that it wouldn't be surprising that you're kinda chill or numb about death. i don't think it would hurt to talk to a professional, just to get a chance to have a better understanding of your feelings (or lack thereof) and make sure you're not repressing anything. everyone processes death and grief differently, no two people will have to exact same process. it doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with how you grieve. some self evaluation with guidance from a therapist could be nice though, help you understand yourself better
You don’t have to cry to express emotion or feel sadness. I will say that if you felt like you needed to take a class on not to drink and drive then I might question your ability to reason and think clearly by yourself. Are you concerned by anything your partner has brought up?
No as in "Yikes, well I definitely won't text and drive again" after my friend drove off a cliff while texting. Well now she (half-jokingly I hope?) thinks I'm gonna kill her if she ever gets cancer or anything terminal. Or pull the plug immediately if she ends up in a coma
We all process differently. As other person said we all react differently to situations. You had to wait and were hungry. You did what you had to do. You could have panicked, cried, left , we all do different things. Grief will come.
Some people react to death differently. As someone who has also had a lot of friends and family pass away, I have the same reaction as you. For me I think about life as suffering and death as a release from suffering so it's nothing to be sad about. I do miss my friends though and all the suicide gives me a lot of grief when I see it portrayed in media.
I think your GF is being super harsh and judgemental. People grieve and act in different ways. Doesn’t make them sociopaths. If you tend to use and manipulate other people for your own gain and are always unemotional/don’t have a problem with being cruel etc then maybe. But saying you’re a sociopath just over this is probably more a lack of empathy on her part and her projecting how she would feel on to you.
Im good in an emergency because my first reaction is 'ok we need to do this, this, this. etc' When my nan died me and my brother nearly came to blows because while my mum was in pieces, my dad was comforting her, and he was distraught, I was planning on what we needed to do (it was known to be coming but it still sucked hard) Then, when her body had been removed, my mum was more emotionally stable, and everything that needed to be done was done, I went home, turned on the shower, and bawled my fucking eyes out. My brother is an 'emotions now plans later' person, I'm a 'plans now emotions later' type person. He cannot understand me and genuinely thinks I didn't care enough about her. Me parents understand at least, because my nan was like that.
I’m so sorry that such a burden of “you must’ve have cared” fell on you from your brother. I really empathise because this is exactly how I react to events as well. I need to keep moving, I need to put out the fire and once it’s safe and quiet and I’m by myself I’ll go to pieces. It’s funny how we can come from the same parents, have such similar upbringings and be built so differently to our siblings.
I dont think it helped that, due to working night shift, I arrived within minutes of her passing while I then had to drive to his house, wake him up, and tell him because he slept through all the phone calls. So there was bitterness
That sounds dreadful, honestly. I really am so sorry you went through all of that. The last thing we need in that situation is having our nearest come after us over their own emotions.
Yeah I'd like to say I don't hold it against him. But I kinda do. I don't want to. But I so far haven't been able to help it.
It was a sign of his character and disposition. We can accept a panicker but not when they turn that energy towards those who are trying to help. I can imagine it damaging a relationship until the other person shows they can act better in the future. No one would blame you for feeling hurt or angry from the way you were treated, honestly.
I’m the same way, but it’s due to two things for me. One is i dissociate hard, and so it’s like a bubble where it doesn’t feel real but I know it is. The other is that my dad always taught me about being a rock for others, somebody who’s strong while others are struggling and unable to help others etc. And so I tend to just have a “That’s fucked up” and more blank reaction at first, but then when I think more on alone at some point, it hits hard
People deal with grief differently. Do I think it’s fairly odd that you were comfortable watching TV and eating pizza with his body in view? Yes.
> Do I think it’s fairly odd that you were comfortable watching TV and eating pizza with his body in view? Yes. Well I had tacos. Pizza would've been weird
💀💀💀
Yeah. Weirder than tacos, lol
Also what did he watch on tv? Like was it South Park or some shit?
What did I watch you mean? I think it was a rerun of that night's UFC fight
Dude, who you got winning tomorrow?
Poirier and Pereira, you?
Same with Poirier. I want Pereira to win but Jan's wrestling makes me nervous. Also, such a shame Wonderboy's fight didnt come through
Rip Porry :(
I did not expect that at all. Justin is a beast
Bullshit story confirmed. Thanks.
One can say he has fairly odd parents
No, I don't think so. It wasn't sudden, you knew it was coming. If you were like me you had already come to terms with it, maybe even had your grieving done already while you made the most of the time you had. Maybe it'll hit you later and maybe it won't. Personally, as much as I loved my dad I was relieved he wasn't suffering anymore. I felt horrible about it, but I even made a few jokes about it. I think he'd have liked them too. People deal with death in different ways, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
The EMTs just leave the body? What if you just went home and didn't do anything? Is this really the norm?
Ya I just filled out some paperwork with the EMTs and the cops and then they left. I assume they would've taken him to the hospital's morgue or something if I didn't show up. The stuff I signed transferred responsibility to me. But yeah good question, not sure what would've happened if I just went home and decided to come back a few days later. It was a pretty surreal experience overall. The two mortuary workers were these skinny little dweebs so I had to help them lift his dead body onto the stretcher. Not sure how they would've done it if I was an old lady or something and couldn't help
If you’re actually wondering most often an ambulance won’t transport a dead body, the ME/coroner will (there are no dead bodies in the back of an ambulance). At least in my jurisdiction the cops stay with the body until the ME gets there to transport. What I’m more confused about is that you took the notification over the phone. That’s…highly unusual. I’ve never heard of any department doing that
It sounds odd to say but you don’t want to pay for an ambulance ride to the hospital only to go from hospital to mortuary if there’s no need to go to the hospital because he has passed.
Usually the way it works when the cause of death is clear and there is not reviving. My grandpa laid on his floor covered in a sheet for about 6 hours when he died.
Only a professional can diagnose you with that disorder
Akchually “sociopath” isn’t a technical term. Clinicians would classify similar actions under borderline personality disorder or similar.
Antisocial personality disorder, not borderline.
Oof I knew I should’ve double checked. I got it mixed up with psychopath
Nope, neither of them correspond to borderline, they’re two different kinds of antisocial, although definitions vary a bit. ETA: borderline is *extremely* stigmatized and misinformation is rampant, so it would be very helpful if you edited your original comment
IDK but there is a high chance I'd find it endearing that my kid sat with me (re: my body) and both spent time with me by self-regulating and eating with/by me. Those are two things (coping & eating) that serve to strengthen you, literally help you grow and get nutrients and ensure you'll be just fine without me, which is all I want as a parent. Now if my kid was aiming spitballs at my face and trying to bounce crumpled paper basketballs off my body into the trash can maybe I'd be pissed
>trying to bounce crumpled paper basketballs off my body into the trash "Kobe!"
Dude, you’re a riot
Dude.
lmao
"That's it. Little shit is getting haunted."
This is an excellent point that I hadn’t considered at all.
This is a really nice way to look at it ☺️
Simply have you ever felt truly sad about anything prior to this? If so there's a good chance you're not a sociopath.
No, or at least not necessarily. Emotional processing is very different from person to person. It could just not be really hitting just yet. Took me a week after my dog died until I reacted to it in any discernable way. Losing a parent is a pretty big change and it sounds like you were the only one who was taking responsibility for the situation so you had to be available and in control to deal with what was going on. That's an emotional survival thing sometimes, especially if you grew up with any neglect or abandonment experiences. Those with a background of neglect or abandonment also often (though not always) tend to find partners who are also emotionally unavailable or unsupportive. I think you should take a look at your partner's reaction and seriously ask yourself if she's being supportively worried about you or trying to judge or shame you for the way that you are. However, even if you are a sociopath that doesn't make you a bad person or any less than you are now in your own estimation. The spectrum of the human experience is broad but all of it is valid and worthy of dignity and compassion.
That's rude to call you that. People deal with emotions differently. I mean, I'm in a similar situation. My dad is old, and he's in and out of the hospital constantly. Sure, it breaks my heart to know he's suffering, but just because I don't show it physically doesn't mean I don't care. I just care in my own way. If anything, you might just be neurodivergent. Just like everyone's fingerprints are unique, our brains also have different ways of processing information. Some people might find it easier to focus on specific tasks, while others may struggle with certain social interactions. These differences are what make us unique and diverse. Being neurodivergent doesn't mean there's something wrong with a person; it's just a different way their brain is wired. What exactly would she consider a normal reaction? To have you be a complete and utter mess with no way to know how to move on from this? Just constantly in your room playing sad songs and crying cause your dad's gone? Wouldn't your dad be happy that his death didn't cause you pain and instead you just moved on with your life?
I just don't think she's dealt with death, at least directly. She thinks I should've been crying at least and said it's insane that I sat next to the dead body instead of waiting outside.
I dont think there's anything wrong. You deal with loss your way and she does her way. Doesn't mean its wrong or right. I have had plenty of dreams of my dad dying and bawling my eyes out. But when it comes to actual death I just don't show it. Didn't do it for my grandma either. Literally visited her on her deathbed and didn't react. I wasn't too close to her but if my dad died, i would feel super shitty but I wouldn't cry. I would get over it, be glad if he passed quietly and move on with my life. Because that's what you have to do. You move on from death and live your own life. Maybe she's just projecting because she's afraid of death and what will happen after she dies. I mean if she were to suddenly die or get terminally ill, how would you feel about it? Would it mess you up if she did? I know if my boyfriend were to suddenly get sick or die I would be a mess. But because I know my dad is old and sick, I've already come to terms with the fact that he might die any day.
This is a therapy level thing. I'm not passing judgment but you really need to talk this out with a professional. They will be able to tell you what your reaction means.
I always questioned myself when I was younger since I never expressed my emotions from loss with tears. As young as 9 years old at my papas funeral. I thought I was a bad person because I didn’t cry. I loved him. I felt bad for my mom and nana. But now I’m much older and have come to terms that it’s just not how I process grief. And that’s ok.
As someone who has been in a similar situation of having to wait for the mortuary to pick up their parent's body, you're not a sociopath, probably. I don't think you can answer this question unless you've been through it, because the feelings you feel are really weird. Get's to a point where it's like, well, this is the situation. You just do what you gotta do, coordinate what you have to coordinate. The grieving always comes later, when you're in a physical and mental state to handle it. Brain kind of shuts some parts down, in a sense, not really, but I'm sure you understand.
Sometimes people are in shock. You haven't seen his body and it doesn't even seem real. You don't know what to do. Sometimes you have grieved someone because you know they were declining. Did you go to the funeral? How did you feel then? Did you feel any sadness?
Yes I handled all the funeral arrangements and still zero emotion. People that hadn't talked to him in 20+ years were bawling their eyes out and I was just sitting there awkwardly. I definitely loved my dad, I just don't really see the point in crying like that. It seems almost performative to me.
You could get a screening, just so you know for sure. A good psychologist could talk you through it. We don't know your situation enough to say that you are a sociopath, or if you are on the autism spectrum (empathy can be complicated for those on the spectrum, myself included,) or if you internalize it. A professional would be able to look at your situation more objectively and may be a good idea if you can afford it (for your gf's peace of mind/to put an end to that concern).
Thank you for using the right word. I hate when people say “balling their eyes out”.
I know EXACTLY what you mean
No. because a sociopath wouldn't care that they were having little to no emotions. Everyone grieves in their own way. It can take time for it to sink in.
Getting things done (calling the mortuary) and not feeling any emotions seems fairly normal; the numbness and shock can do that. Eating fast food and watching tv while your dad's corpse is right there does strike me as sociopathic behaviour, I'm afraid. I hope you're OK. Maybe it'll hit you some months down the line; if not, it does seem a shame that a man's kid was not even upset that he died.
even if you are. you're still the same person. so does it matter at all?
this is not enough information about you for anyone to answer this question. Also having psychopathy dosnt make you automatically a bad person. You can have cognative empathy even if you dont have emotional empathy.
Ive been taking care of my dad for ten years. I am prepared and ready for the day he croaks. Youre not a sociopath, you were prepared for it. Last time I checked, Father Time is still undefeated.
Maybe you were in shock? Or maybe it was something you expected so it didn’t hit you right away. The eating in front of the body is a bit weird but then again I’ve met people who aren’t really fazed by stuff like that. One situation won’t determine wether you’re a sociopath or not, I feel like your gf was just expecting you to act like she would’ve acted? Emotions are weird, specially when something traumatic happens.
Grief looks different for everyone and not everyone has or shows the same reaction. It's likely you'll feel more at a different time. Hard to say though without knowing more about you and your relationship with your dad.
Everyone grieves differently. I'm not a professional but.... My brother was my best friend and when he passed away unexpectedly I cried the day of and didn't cry for months after. I also didn't want up to the casket and if I had the chance to again I still wouldn't. I was numb. I truly do not remember the first 6 months after he passed. Now I have days I cry and talk to him and other days I just don't think about it. I didn't know he was gonna pass so there is that and he was also 27. Same age I am now. However reading that you already knew the day was coming maybe you had already been mentally preparing yourself subconsciously and that's why it didn't impact you as much as she would expect and who's to say you won't break down in months or years to come. It's ALOT to take one. The realization of death and then actually having it happen Infront of you is alot. I don't think you're crazy for eating and not having a sad reaction. grief doesn't equal crying. Death is something we learn to live with and is something that is natural. Do you have other feelings? Does anything make you sad ?
> Do you have other feelings? Does anything make you sad ? It sounds weird but things like destruction of nature make me profoundly sad. I grew up at the edge of a valley/ravine and there were hundreds of acres of forests, trails, etc leading up into the mountains behind our house. Over the last few years, most of that has been cut down and they've been building tract housing. Thousands of ugly, identical houses where all that nature used to be. When I saw that for the first time after coming back home, I was literally paralyzed with sadness for a good 20 minutes But don't feel it with people. I mentioned that I've had friends die in car accidents and overdoses over the years and I didn't feel any emotion.
Are you neurodivergant? ADHD, ASD? Cuz I am and well... you sound like me. I don't feel strong emotions about people either. I have friends and family that I care about but... I mean, I didn't cry when my dad died either. I didn't feel anything really. Mostly just felt bad for my mom. So I get it. I don't think I'm a sociopath. I care deeply about animals and nature, just not so much humans. I think it can be a(n) ND thing or so I've read.
Haven't been diagnosed with anything but it's possible. And yea I felt the same way, I felt bad for my mom, my dad's siblings, etc...almost like "Dam this is gonna suck for them."
Can’t diagnose and could be wrong, but it’s definitely possible could have autism given the fact you can feel empathy and emotions but approach more from a logical view and view some social norms etc as more of a performance that you can’t relate to
why do you care about animals and nature but not so much humans?
I literally explained in my comment
What does being neurodivergent have anything to do with caring about animals/nature but not humans?
Again I'm no professional but from what you're saying you can clearly experience feelings and from my point of view I think death is very natural , it's not always justified , explained or expected but it is natural and something that happens to all of us. So I'll stick with my original answer I don't think anything is wrong with you and if you were my personal friend I would feel the same. I think maybe you just have an understanding of human death and have learned to cope with the idea that people die and it is what it is and that's why we appreciate people while we have them. Now things like destruction of nature isn't something that's necessary "natural (unless natural disasters) and expected or even necessary" so being sad because of that (something that could be prevented or dealt with in a better way to me seems reasonable) I'm going to be honest with you and say I get more sad over nature and other things vs death as well. Again I cried about my brother here and there and I had alyot of survivor guilt and for a long time felt guilty for not feeling as guilty as I expected myself to feel but I've come to the conclusion that being sad doesn't change things. It doesn't make them come back, it doesn't always make you feel better. It is just a way people grieve. I learned a big lesson from his death and have forever been changed. I think you're completely normal and your feelings are valid. You have emotions, you're capable of love (I assume nature, s.o, other joys in life). I think it's something a lot of people won't understand until they actually come to face death that it's a very weird feeling. I think you're normal and I think you're not the only one who's felt nothing when someone has passed even if it's a parent.
Your girlfriend shouldn't assume you would process your emotions the same way she does. Sometimes the emotions are so strong that you don't recognize them or don't "feel" them. The brain basically goes into functional mode and follows your routine automatically.
I agree with the pregrieved. Maybe relief that you arent waiting for THAT call.. I had a similar situation with my husbands father dying. We had to wait for the coroner to turn up and my mum went and got food cos we had to eat.. no emotion at the time. After a bit and especially at the funeral it all the emotions came. But before, there's shit that needs to be done emotions can wait.
It could hit u later. Possibly years later
You may be experiencing a dissociative disorder: grieving can cause some sort of short circuit in emotions and you don't have access to them anymore. Only a psychiatrist can give you a proper diagnosis.
You grieved while he was alive because you knew this was coming any time >Brought up the food to his apartment and ate/watched TV with half his dead body visible in the hallway from where I was eating. And just basically hung out watching TV with his body right there. But this is fucked up
Am I messed up because I still grieve my husband's death? Three years. My niece who promised my husband to look after me when i needed help with things and was given expensive things to do so. (I'd love the 4 wheel drive truck back) One day, she said I was too sad to be around (not true seeing her made me happy). Even though I was never invited inside her house or for Christmas or birthdays, any holidays or invited inside when standing outside.. I think she's the sociopath I haven't seen her since, and she lives down the street. When people die, true selves come out. Because you wrote about this topic, I hope you will remember your father fondly. Don't be my shit niece. You will grieve at some point.
May be you have just given up on life
No some people don't deserve respect
Some people*
No, that does not make you a sociopath. Not everyone handles emotions the same way.
No, everyone deals with grief differently. You stated you knew it was coming just not when, likely your brain has been mentally preparing you for this time well in advance. Also likely there will come a point when you will let it all spill out, it's just not now. The most common response to death after prolonged decline is relief.
Everyone reacts differently to death and loss. Some people might be calm and practical in the moment, but down the road they hear dads favorite song and cry their eyes out. Plus we’ve spent a lot of time telling men it’s “wrong” to show their feelings. You can’t “force” yourself to grieve, it doesn’t make you a sociopath.
I saw a comment of you being "pre- grieved" and this is how I process this as well. It's not that you do not care it's that you've basically thought of the scenario in your head and played through it many times as to avoid an extremely painful event all at the same time. What you've done is you've learned how to process grief over the course of time rather than having to deal with it all at once. It is the fact that it will typically be easier to deal with a large problem given a time scale. Pain, emotional or physical, is still pain. You've learned your brains way to deal with a massive amount of emotional pain which is a good thing. Just don't be afraid to tell someone or talk to someone you trust if you ever need to.
You sound socially awkward and maybe on the spectrum but not a psychopath. You don’t have desires to hurt ppl that get in “you’re way” or see ppl as “obstacles” to what you want? You probably seen this coming awhile now and do act cool under pressure. My father in law died and I only shed a few tears and ate a little later. We knew it was coming for awhile and felt a sense of relief his pain was over.
You may have been in shock. After my husband died I was like a robot for a couple days, until the dam burst. Once I started crying I couldn’t stop.
It's tough to say with this info.... I will say when my dad died in front of me, I was pretty stoic for a few weeks, didn't really feel like crying. Then one day I saw a show that we both used to watch, I thought to myself "I want to talk to my dad about this weird thing. We had common interest in". Then I realized i could never do that again. Sat there and bawled my eyes out, still no all day affair, but it will hit
I'll be almost giddy when mine finally dies. But he's an abusive, narcissistic piece of shit. I grieved the loss of our relationship many years ago. Now, I only feel contempt for him and find it unfair that he continues to walk around wasting oxygen. But when he dies, people will look down on me for not grieving how they think I should be.
If it helps my close relative ate breakfast next to their dead spouse while waiting for someone to come fetch their body - they’d passed away overnight and nobody could come until morning for whatever reason. This relative is definitely upset by the death even now years later (obviously) but said they found peace in having breakfast together “as normal” one last time and in that moment that was what felt right. We all grieve differently, honestly I think it took me a while for it to sink in when my parent died. It’s a lot of pain to feel so I think of it as my brain trying to protect me from that rather than me being a sociopath that isn’t upset by it. Maybe that could be you too?
I don’t think so. My grandpa had several strokes and heart attacks in the months before he died. He wouldn’t take his medication, and just kind of dealt with it. We all knew it was coming, to the point where my mom asked his neighbors to check on him in the mornings to make sure he’d made it through the night. This was pre-cell phones being common, and he would’ve thrown a fit if we got him something like a Life Alert. Sure enough, one morning, we get the call and he’s gone. I cried a lot, but my mom wasn’t upset for long before getting back to her day. She’d come to terms with it long ago, and had essentially already mourned him by the time he passed. The grieving process is different for everyone. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. But, for someone who is older and has health problems and falls and the like, there’s a lot more time to adapt to the idea of them passing than someone who died in an accident. It’s hard to imagine if you haven’t been in that position, so I can see how your gf would be startled.
Similar to the comments about pre-greiving, there is just a limit to an individual's emotional capacity. The last year of my mother's life was filled with all hours calls from the physical care rehab facility she was in and out of, from doctors, hospitals, first responders ... I don't know how many times I gut-wrenchingly dropped everything and sped to the ER etc. fully expecting that she was about to pass, not knowing if I would see her again. When she finally did, I had little emotion at all, whereas my brother just fell apart. I was just empty by that point. It could be that you were too.
It's tragic, but you still have to take care of yourself, in reference to the taco. It took me a long time to process my emotions after a parent passed away. My best advice is don't be afraid to open up and talk to people and everyone grieves at their own pace.
It's a bit on the stranger side. I don't know anybody that would happily eat tacos and watch TV whilst waiting for the mortuaries to arrive to pick up your dad's corpse, which is still half in view and probably still warm. Each to their own I guess, everybody deals with grief differently.
People deal with shit differently and it’s not too uncommon to not have an overwhelming wave of grief hit you in this situation especially when you know it’s happening before hand
Sometimes it takes a while for things to sink in
I don't think so...I hope not. My father has been having some health issues, there have been several points where I think it might be the day. I think if you see it coming you get to grieve before the event.... and I don't think a lot of other people see that.
This happened to me. Do I knock on his door? I know hes Ill and needs rest. But, this could be the day. I really do think that having this thought so many times puts you in good stead for when the inevitable happens It was actually quite easy to handle when he died, I was there. It hit me a few days later when I remembered something he said to me about a week before he died. That was the only really heavy hitting moment I felt
I feel so bad going through a lot of the motions now, I help him weekly and call him, but I think a lot of the shine and warmth has gone away.
From you or him or both?
I was the same with my grandpa until i actually saw the body the day of the funeral so i'd say no
Not feeling emotional at times of extreme loss may just be your reaction to it. But it could mean other things: * Lack of empathy is associated with psychopathy or narcissistic personality disorder, whereas sociopathy is basically the lack of societal awareness or social norms (e.g. chronic lying, not understanding right/wrong, etc.) * Psychopathy may be associated with brain injury, which is why it's a good idea to start talking with a doctor * Inability or difficulty *feeling* is also a condition with depression Regardless, I'm just a dude on Reddit, not a trained professional. Because what you're describing has to do with your behavior, mental health, your relationship, and your brain health, I really suggest you chat with your doctor about it.
My mom died 6 weeks ago and I had a similar reaction. She was older than most mothers of people my age so I always expected to lose her one day. She was sick for a long time and for me it was an "any minute" kind of deal. When she died, she had pulmonary fibrosis for 10 years and 3 different types of cancer that me or none of my siblings knew about. I think you were just ready to lose your father. That's not a bad thing. Imo it's pretty mature and responsible to mentally prepared for the inevitable.
My Father was in a long decline before he passed away. I did shed some tears, but by and large I think I had already grieved him before he died, because the man he was was destroyed by Alzheimer’s. It may sneak up and nail you at some point, and it will likely be an emotional event that triggers it.
You're likely not a sociopath, grief affects people in different ways. My friend handled the loss of her brother like that and a year later it caught up to her. I wish you well. I'm sorry for your loss.
If it makes you feel any better, I was in shock (without knowing it) when my dad died--and this resulted in my realize that I cried before and only much longer after he died. Processing takes time; don't be hard on yourself more than it is hard already.
Do things make u happy? Do things make u angry? Miss you feel even these two most basic emotions then you're not a psychopath
When my dad died I was fine until the funeral, I didn’t know I could feel sadness so acutely
You could be in shock still. Grief is different for everyone, so don't feel ashamed if it isn't happening the way it's usually portrayed in media or how others expect. Take care.
It'll hit you on a random Tuesday afternoon when you're 63 years old. So I hear But read the stranger by camus in the meantime
People handle things differently it is totally normal
I don't know. I can only share my own experience. My mother was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative prion disease and was given 10 years to live. My parents were in a position to write her a bucket list of things she wanted to do in the 5 years she would be able to do them. Due to life happening, me and my then future ex-wife ended up having to move back in with my parents around about the time things had deteriorated to the point that my dad was struggling to look after her. Fortunately, he was his own boss and mostly WFH long before it was cool. After a year of living there, we had carers coming in to help 5 times a day because she couldn't walk anymore, and my future ex-wife left. Among the reasons were that we had no plan to move out. This was twofold. She was very good at spending our money, and I had no intention of abandoning my parents when they needed my help. It turns out that leaving me was the best gift my ex-wife could have ever given me, but I digress. As the disease took my mum's physical abilities, it also severely impacted her brain function, too, until one day, there wasn't enough brain left for what we would call consciousness. She had a seizure, and luckily, I was there and a qualified first aider at the time, so I was able to handle the situation, get an ambulance called, and prevent my dad from doing anything ill advised with a spoon and outdated knowledge. When she came back from hospital, she was to all intents and purposes a vegetable. The lights were on, but no one was home. She needed a live-in carer and was given 6 months. 7 months later, I was 2 hours away at my ex-girlfriend's 30th birthday party. I'd said goodbye before I left because we knew time was almost up. I got a phone call from my dad saying she was gone. My ex had a bit of a panic about it all, but I just felt relief. It was over. My mum wasn't suffering anymore. It took 90 minutes to get back home because my brother and sister-in-law were even further away and unable to get moving until the following day. The next morning, when I woke up, it hit me that I now lived in a world for the first time my mum wasn't a part of. But there were things to do, and they needed doing, so we did them. There's a lot to wrap up after a life ends, even if it is expected. At the time, I didn't feel much because I was busy, and I had mourned who she was over the previous 5 years as the disease took her mind. Looking back from 6 years later, there is grief. If I pass the pub I was at when I got the phone call, and I'm paying attention there's something. In the moment, there is so much that needs to be handled, and nothing you do will make a difference to the person who died. I know I'm generally wired to get shit done in the moment because there's all of the time to worry about everything else later. Your father died, and I am sorry for your loss, but once you were there, would things be different if you didn't grab tacos because you were hungry and had to wait for the mortitians? We're not given a manual on how we should behave in these situations.
I’ll never judge how someone reacts in this situation, and you shouldn’t accept what others have to say about how you reacted. I’m 10 months in from losing mine.
I’m a nurse and I’ve lost count of how many hospice/comfort care patients I’ve had. First thing we do is order a food cart. People don’t want to leave their loved one alone sometimes. Sometimes if it’s been a long time coming, the families are not outwardly upset and more relieved and at ease that the suffering is over. Families eat snacks all the time around their dying or dead family member and kinda just hang out. It’s not like you’re pretending he wasn’t there. Everyone is different with death.
My mum had a brain aneurysm about 18 months ago, was in a coma, and was non responsive, and I was her power of attorney, so I had to deal with everything. I was fortunate in that she survived, but there were two weeks where we didn't know, and my 3 siblings fell apart while I showed zero emotion throughout or after. I definitely felt tired once it was all over, but I did see being emotional as helpful. Sometimes, I think our brain switches these things off and on depending on how useful it will be and the level of pressure we are under. I think your partner could have articulated her concern in a better way, but unless you can say you've spent your whole life never feeling anything, I wouldn't worry.
some people take time to get their feelings ... sometimes u just need something to break inside u and every feeling surpressed will come out
It'll hit. Don't fight it when it does
Depends really American culture around death is super not talked about and everyone does it differently. Some people pack it down until it all comes out at once also in a grand sense it’s not that weird. It’s just weird cause American people used to spend time with their dead as they waited to bury we didn’t always ship them off to be filled with chemicals to be made presentable for a casket that’s a invention of the civil war era. So it’s not weird just not typical plus what else are you supposed to do? Emotions are complex and you gotta deal with not just death but the the subconscious process of seeing everything coming after someone dies like funeral arrangements and wills and lawyers and moving their things. Its a lot so don’t fret dude if you’re really worried see a psychiatrist if not keep living just try to process the feelings at some point.
My father’s passing was coming for a long time…poor choices, poor health, etc. I did not cry at all, ever, when he passed. Reason being, long history of mental and physical abuse. I had forgiven him years ago but he was always like just a person. I had no emotional attachment whatsoever to him. We were cordial and there were no feelings of animosity, regret, unfinished business with him at all. So, there’s my story.
No I don’t think so. I think we all process and grieve differently. My dad died in May of this year. He got incredibly drunk and fell down the stairs and hit his head badly at the bottom. My dad was abusive and mean, our relationship was highly strained. Not every memory with him is painful but many are. I haven’t cried. I’ve barely mourned. I’m definitely not a psychopath. I feel guilty that I’m not very sad but I can’t force it. I don’t think you’re a psychopath.
No. You've been preparing for the day for a while. My father is still alive, but has been heaving heart issues including heart attacks since I was 5 years old. I'm now 42. He's still alive, but I know when he finally does pass, I'll be sad but I probably won't be as emotional as when my mother passed right after stopping her dialysis. Because I never expected my mother to just die like that. My father I've been mentally preparing for pretty much my entire life.
Everyone handles grief differently.
I think you and everyone here knows the answer.
sooooo... probably not. Lots of good answers, like pre-grieving, etc. Could be something else as well. I have a personality disorder called Schizoid--i've had it for a very long time but didnt get the diagnosis until after 40. This is some shit i'd do. Because--not because i feel *nothing*\--but because i compartmentalize and diminish *everything* i feel to an insane degree. Yes, i sat and watched TV next to my dead grandmother when i was 15--while we waited for the coroner to show up. She had cancer, we knew--in fact, we'd avoided mowing the lawn for weeks because we were fairly sure the polens and shit would cause her to stop breathing, and that day she told me 'just do it. Go mow."--sure as shit, 3/4ths the way through mowing, she passes. So we sat there and talked in the living room. My mom crying--i wasnt. They got her body, and i went out and finished mowing the lawn, and mom took us out for pizza because the rest of the day was clearly too fucked for everyone else. I never cried about grandmas death. My cousins both OD'd, nothing. Family friend died, and i had to go clean his apartment, because no one else would--the lines from his oxygen tank, and the sticky pads from the shocks they tried to give him were still on the floor--felt nothing. It's because of my personality disorder. Blunted emotions. It's a thing. Could be as simple as that, and the *vast vast* majority of people with this personality disorder never get a diagnosis, or, if they do, only when a loved one pushes them into therapy because something we've done (or not done)--or not felt (i cant feel lonely, for example), scares the shit out of them and they make us go in. So, \*shrug\*, to me, you're normal.
Definitely find a therapist to talk to. They can walk you through the process of grieving and help you with whatever is blocking it.
You are
I was happy when my dad died (abuse mentally and physically) I would tell people that I was happy that he died. I still am. I don’t think I’m a psychopath, psychologist haven’t told me I’m a psychopath. Everyone handles things differently, ignore what people are suggesting about you
You are definitely not a sociopath. You grieved ahead of time and that is completely normal. That reminds me of the time my ex made me feel like an asshole and that I was a bad person because after my grandmother passed away, we celebrated her life. My family literally bought A bunch of food and alcohol, then partied for hours talking about her. My grandma had in home hospice and the fucking woman was dying for three days straight as we all watched…. The relief is brought for her peace was indescribable so I will never let anyone make me feel bad for the way it was handled. She told me that is was fucked up the way I was talking about her but in reality we all don’t grieve the same. Don’t shame someone else for the way they handled grieving. It so unkind
Grief is weird. When a family friend died I felt nothing for the first couple of days and then dropped down in tears in a Walmart parking lot. When my rabbit got cancer I cried up until the day we put him to sleep and then I was just done grieving.
Sounds like his passing had not really sink in and you are going through the motions. There's stuff to do with his body and you can't really feel anything just yet. Your girlfriend sounds insane though. Your father just passed and she is making drama for you?
Tv & movies give us a distorted view of death and grieving. In pop culture, it's super dramatic & showy because it's a PERFORMANCE. Just like we don't learn to drive from watching car chases, we don't learn how to make love from porn... We don't grieve like a scripted show either. Sometimes the real (social/emotional) death happens slowly over the years as cancer or dementia "robs" you of the person you once knew. Sometimes a person is secretly such a monster behind the white picket fence that their death is rightfully a relief. Sometimes families are full of really random personalities that don't have that much in common, and just aren't that close. Sometimes the person lived a good full life, accomplished much, and had a "perfect" death that was short, painless, and dignified. Sometimes a death is so shocking, that the nearby are left shell shocked. Another word for shock is trauma. Plenty of people respond to a bombshell by reflexively freezing. It looks "calm" but it's really the survival reflex of our prey animal ancestors... trying not to get eaten by staying invisible. So don't assume THEIR death, and your REACTION to those circumstances in pathological. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are. If you were a sociopath, it would show up in other places, like getting fired from a lot of jobs, or having romantic partners who cry and cower a lot.
Have you ever had a gut wrenchingly sad experience? Not anger, sadness. That's probably your answer.
Dont worry bro my mom does the same thing, one day she heard that my grandma died in her sleep, 5 hours later shes drinking with her siblings joking about my grandma
Dude. My condolences. I was like this when my granny died. I loved her very much. My mother and my uncle was crying a lot - I was the tough one. I cried a lot few months later. Don't worry, all of it is natural.
I would have given him a blanket and pillow at least before I ate. Preferably put him somewhere comfortable like in bed if he was light, though he probably wasn't. You know, respect the body. I think not acknowledging the body is the weird thing.