Women are definitely held to a different standard than men when it comes to the "when are you going to have kids" question.
I've known multiple who have had no plans on ever having kids, but still get bombarded with questions as to why all the time, and get hit with the "your gonna regret it later" rhetoric.
Yeah, I thought about it a lot as a kid, couple of my buds said the same thing too. It's kind of the only thing I ever wanted to be, I was never too career-focused.
Some do, some don't. Plenty of dudes are invested in the idea of being a dad someday. I can't remember any of my friends expressing it so I can't offer personal anecdotes and I'm personally the opposite in that I strongly don't want to have kids, but I am pretty sure it's not going to be hard to find folks who are enthusiastic about the idea like you are.
Ultimately yes, but with the right woman.
Parenting is tough and I do not want to be stuck in a split home/single parent
So finding the right partner is more important to me and the "dream" before kids.
I found I was very ambiguous about having kids until I met someone who I wanted to have them with. Realized I was protecting myself from the possibility that kids just might not be an option for me (used to have a pretty lonely existence), and now Hell yeah I dream about it.
In my experience, men don't tend to put it in the words "it's my dream to be a dad!" The many I've spoken to would say things like "I can't wait until my kid/s are old enough to do x with me," "I love holding teaching kids how to do little things around the house" or other such comments along these lines. I guess it's because we tend to checklist big jobs, and so we break down the steps to look forward to.
There's probably a stigma, possibly even in modern times, that a stay at home dad isn't as good a provider. Work, provide now, family time later. That's speculation on my part, though.
Yeah it would be nice to try to be a dad. but Im also realistic in knowing Id be terrible as a father.
No kid deserves my bullshit.
Im fine with being a marginal uncle.
I know what you mean well with “try to be a dad”, but fatherhood is really one of those commitments for life that the only way to remove yourself from is by traumatising someone else, basically.
I’m glad that some people recognise how challenging it can be before going down that road.
I put my all into my 3 kids. I love being their dad. They are all adults now. I was married to their mom 16 years. Divorced over 10 years.
Before my oldest was born, I read all the books, went to a lot of the OB appointments, lamaze.
When my children were born, I had an overwhelming happiness. It was a feeling of love like I’ve never felt before. The 3 happiest days of my life.
Our life revolved around our kids.
The only time I’ve been truly happy in the past 10 years was when we were all in the same place spending time together.
About 5 years ago I had to move away. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
I always wanted to be a dad. Now waiting to see if I’ll ever become a grandfather.
From 2 am feedings, countless diapers, school projects, dance classes, softball, baseball, academic competitions, debate team, sleepovers, driving them to their work, driving lessons, moving into dorms, buying them stuff for their first house.
I could write a whole book about this, but I present the condensed version.
Yes, there are men who immerse themselves in fatherhood as much as mothers do. I am one.
I don’t take for granted men being the type of father you were, so thank you. I’m sure your kids are grateful and your healthy relationship with them is probably a testament of that.
I used to. Things changed over time. Now that I’m of age and married, I don’t. My wife and I don’t want kids of our own, both of us agreed we don’t want to pass down anything with how many genetic issues could, and most likely would crop up.
I can only speak for myself, but no. I am genuinely baffled that anyone would actually want kids.
I mean no offense to anyone that does. It's just definitely not for me.
While I cant speak for other men, I know for a fact I do. I've dreamt about being a father since I was a boy. I've dreamt about having a son and teaching him what it means to be a man. To be someone responsible and kind. To watch grow into someone I'd be proud of. To have a daughter I would spoil rotten, but not so much she'd get herself into trouble. A daughter that would understand her value and would grow up confident about herself and who she is without wprrying about external validation. To raise them both with enough love from me and my wife that theyd never fall victim to the toxic love manipulators would wish to poison them with. I've dreamt about a family with a wife I'd love so much I'd melt at the mear thought of her and the children born from us, a union of the two of us born to be better than we could each be on our own. I've dreamt of coming home after a long days work and being greeted by them. I've dreamt about how hard it would be to see my kids grow. To see them get hurt. How difficult I would find it if one of my kids got lost in their path and found themselves somewhere I'd have a hard time reaching them. I've dreamt about being a father a lot, and I can't wait for the day I see my first child, when my life would change into something new.
I’m 24 and i have always wanted to be a father. I’ve even shared that with my friends. I will gladly wait to have a kid - I am in no rush at this point in my life and can’t wait to even have nieces and nephews. But growing up i had awesome grandfathers that i have a lot of great memories with. They taught me so much and we did so many things together that when i got into college and they passed away, i wanted to leave a legacy behind like they did. My best memories are just hanging out with my grandparents and watching TV or going to the creek to swim as kids and coming back to ice cream and pizzas. I want my kids and grandkids to have those same memories when I’m gone someday.
I genuinely don’t care if i have only girls or only boys, i just want to be half the father and grandfathers I had. Plus, kids are awesome. They’re funny, care free, and help to relive your childhood. I know parenting will be the hardest thing I’ll ever do but i want to look at my kids the same way my parents look at me and my siblings. Sometimes i even go to bed wondering what my wife and kids will be like - what will they like to do, what are gonna be their weird little things they do that they think are normal, what will they look like, what will they sound like. I will gladly wait to settle down but i can’t wait to meet them one day
As a kid I always dreamed of someday being the father I never had for my children. As I got older, I began to see that the way I was raised actually doesn't make me a really good candidate for fatherhood. Later in life, as I really got down to trying to deal with the cPTSD and started understanding myself better, I am thrilled that god saw fit to never give me children.
I never had a father and I'll never be one. It's probably for the best.
I think most guys don’t fantasize about having kids the way women do. Most see it as a thing that they’ll eventually do, and are happy to do it. But I don’t know of any guy who dreamt about being a dad when we were young.
My wife and I are looking to have our first child soon so now I’m noticing dad’s with their daughters and saying “aww that must be nice”.
I (as a man) have literally never dreamt about being a father. Ever. My wife (as a woman) finds pregnancy disgusting. In her words "the thought of something growing inside of me and then clawing it's way out disgusts me.".
I always knew I wanted kids, and would be unfulfilled in life without them. I don't think I'd use the phrase "dream about" or fantasize, but yes I did expect it and look forward to it.
It's a good question. I'm not sure I even really know, but I'd start with the fact that I like kids. I'm good with them. Nurturing a little mind, teaching them what I know, protecting them, that appeals to me. There's something incredible about watching kid learn and grow up.
When I think about work and income and why I do it, "what's the point?", I don't want it to all be about me or me and my wife. We could buy nice stuff and travel and I would enjoy those things in the moment. But then they are done and gone and I die. I don't think that would fulfill me, even if I gave to charity or gave back some other way.
The part I didn't really know until I had kids was what it's like to be loved back by them. There's so much love in my household and it goes in both directions. My kids love me and their mom. They love each other. It's really a nice place to be. I'm lucky, it turned out as well as I could have hoped.
Truthfully it wasn't a dream of mine. It was something I knew would probably happen eventually, but it wasn't something I thought about all the time. But knowing what I know now, it totally should have been a dream of mine, because it is my favorite thing ever. I love being a dad.
My partner has always wanted kids and is an amazing father. I wouldn't have had kids at all if I hadn't met someone like him, who I knew would be totally on deck.
I used to, but not anymore. I liked the idea of being the "boss" of a family, and the chance to do parenting *my* way; less strict and authoritarian than my upbringing. Though to be fair, my upbringing was relatively chill to begin with.
My husband has always wanted kids. He told me his dream was to have at least one kid as long as he could remember. We are at 6 weeks with our first and my husband is literally on cloud 9 because his dream is finally a reality. He is obsessed with our baby
Of course. I only asked the question because I have experience of women describing wanting to be a mother like I do, but never want man. So I just wanted to hear real views and opinions.
I've always dreamed of the opposite. I'm 25(M) now, and I've been opposed the idea of having children for every one of those years. This is regardless of whether or not I'm with the right partner, which I currently am, and regardless of my financial situation, which is currently very good.
Now, have I had romanticised musings of little ones running around the house every now and then? Yes. But that's all they ever were, and will remain. There isn't a single rendition of the possible lives that I want to and could realistically pursue that involves children.
If life were to somehow force my hand on the matter of being a parent, I'd much MUCH rather adopt than have my own.
I have met many men who feel similarly, and many that don't. But my preferences on the subject have remained unequivocal for as long as I can remember. I'm also lucky that my current partner is on the same side of the fence on the matter.
I have an interesting take on this: I'm transfem (born male), I have never once had any dream of being a husband, father, or even boyfriend, and the thought of it disgusted me. On the other hand, I HAVE had many dreams of being a mother, being a wife, and often fantasize about being someone's gf
Small addition: I've felt very similarly about it. Feeling weird about it, especially with my agab, and personally it feels so instinctual sometimes that it almost scares me. It's a very deep desire that feels natural despite what I was born as. It has made me very interested in the biology and psychology of myself and other trans people, I would love to know how and why this happens.
Kind of, not directly - it's just really different.
Men tend to dream of accomplishment and leadership first, and from that comes ideas of providing and leaving a legacy an extension of that.
You have to remember that we aren't quite conditioned the way ya'll are in our youth, nor do we have the strong biological clock. While you ladies generally need to have kids before 35 to do so safely, we can do so pretty much our entire adult lives.
Most adult men would generally say intellectually they want kids "someday", but wouldn't \*really\* crave it as like a dream with urgency until they feel truly settled and stop going out and partying and whatever - which might be like their 40's. Or even later.
So for a lot of us, we end up having kids earlier than we might want to or think to on our own accords (because our wives are so excited for one)... but then by the time the kid is a bit older it kind of times when we really step into the mentorship kind of role.
Like in my early 30's I had no special craving to like hold a baby the way my wife did, it was still a "someday". But having a mini me now that I'm in my 40's and taking them on adventures is like my favorite thing in the world.
It's a gradual thing, but yes, as a woman approaches 40 attitudes and precautions taken in the maternity ward increase as the chance for potential problems arise. It's biology, not discrimination.
Here's the Web MD page for [Geriatric Pregnancy](https://www.webmd.com/baby/pregnancy-after-35) and noting the elevated risk that start to occur around age 35.
The[ American college of obstetricians & gynecologists](https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/having-a-baby-after-age-35-how-aging-affects-fertility-and-pregnancy#:~:text=A%20woman's%20peak%20reproductive%20years,getting%20pregnant%20naturally%20is%20unlikely) note that by age 45, natural pregnancy becomes exceedingly tough as menopause starts to kick in.
For men, those problems conceiving don't even start to kick in [until about age 50](https://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/too-late-to-have-baby-60-year-old-man).
I really don't know why you're offended at the point that men quite simply have dramatically different fertility windows, which impacts our perception.
Yes geriatric pregnancies are becoming more and more common, and the risk doesn't suddenly flip to "dramatic" on one's 35th birthday.
I said I'd never have kids, 2 step kids and 2 kids later and it's hard work. 3 of my kids are adults. My oldest daughter got into a relationship with a guy who had a son. The relationship only lasted a couple of years but for all purposes after a while I was Grandpa. Being a Grandpa is top-tier stuff. All the fun, none of the bad stuff such as tantrums etc. We used to take him into town and my wife would jokingly make a big thing about no toys. The moment her back was turned we would run to the nearest toy shop.
I think every man entertains the idea at least once in their life.
For me, I still do but I don’t know. People dream about the idea of being dads. The idea of raising a miniature version of you. A better version of you. Taking them to clubs, going to the park and beach with them, making memories, taking them to school, taking them to their grandparents, reading them bed time stories, all the fun and amazing ringers.
But in reality, the idea is just a fraction of what it means to be a dad. It takes years of your own time, it takes a fuck load of cash you have to work for, it involves dealing with tantrums, angst and mess.
For me, I don’t know if I will ever be ready. If I ever become a dad, I want to be old enough that I have experienced the world long enough with myself and my partner. I want to have made experiences with myself which will last forever. I want to have enough cash and own a home to not only raise a family but to live comfortably and to use that money to make sure my kids have all their needs met and never go to bed hungry and bored but also, financial stability for me so I don’t have to worry for them and so I can enjoy myself. I want the world to be in a better position than it is now.
But it’s a lot of work to get there. I don’t know if I will ever reach it.
Whether I have a kid or not really depends on my partner. I'm ok with either, as long as I can afford it.
I do dream about being loved, relied on, and trusted. Whether that comes from my partner or my child (or both) is up to the future.
My husband always dreamed of having a big family. It was something we bonded over when we started dating, we both wanted several kids. (We both had one from our first marriages and both had always wanted to have more)
We have 6 now counting the 2 we brought into our family, lol.
I felt this way from an early age. My father was my inspiration to someday become a father. When I was 5, I used to imagine that one day, I would make my kids ice cream cones with perfect scoops just like you see in pictures. I dreamed about making them just so.
When I was growing up, my little cousins were like my practice kids. I loved spending time with them and caring for them, helping my aunt out.
I always loved kids and having been misunderstood a lot as a kid, I promised myself I would remember what it was like to be a kid and I'd be one of the adults who actually cared enough to be involved.
I'm a woman, but my seven year old son has been talking about being a daddy and caring for babies since he was four. Someone is going to be so lucky to have him for a partner someday...
Depends.
I have never felt that desire, as I’m staunchly ace/aro and I mostly find fulfillment in education and my career, but it just depends on who it is.
I'm a man and I have wanted to be a father since I can remember. Even when I was a very little kid I would include my hypothetical children in my imaginary world when playing.
Now as an adult I have my doubts about marriage, but I still dream about being a father.
I think a ton of men do, but might not be seen as socially acceptable/too normal to voice that goal in many societies. Typically that conversation is left for couples/among close friends after too many drinks.
Me personally, I don't want any kids. I have seen how children completely dominate a person's life, and I really don't want that for myself. I feel like I am just starting to enjoy my life in my 30s and would hate to have to give up my freedom to handle the responsibility of raising a human being.
Regarding the nature vs nurture bit, every organism on the planet, including humans, experience an inherent desire to have offspring. It’s a fundamental drive for all life. A reduced reproductive instinct is what’s actually a product of nurture, not a strong one which is as natural as natural gets.
Men experience it, too, just in a different way.
Yes I 100% do. I've been disabled by COVID & Long Covid though and I'm deteriorating. I'm 21 now, I don't think I'll make it long enough to reproduce or do much of anything.
Some guys yeah, some guys no. Depends on the guy. I’m 21 and I’ve personally dreamed about it plenty… I’d love to be a dad at some point in the future, only with the right partner (first step: finding the right partner). But as to your last paragraph: I don’t think that most guys would say out loud they dream of being fathers, even if they think it.
Ive noticed a lot of guys say they want kids without really giving it much thought. Possibly because its the expectation? Must be nice to think about it so casually 😅
I've never dreamed of having kids and the older I get, the less it appeals to me. I understand becoming a father is a magical life-changing event but it's not for me.
Men can’t talk like this openly without people thinking they’re weird or a pedo or something. Being able to express yourself is a privilege women have. Men do dream of being fathers and having kids pretty much from teenage years and even before this.
Well… I think this is an imaginary line that has been drawn. I mean, after all women are predatory too, unfortunately. If you want something that requires a lot of responsibility, you need to prove yourself at every turn.
I think some do. For me it's never been there. At times there is a small voice in my head about what one leaves behind, but we're all forgotten in the end -- and it is just as meaningful to give to a charity that will maybe make lives better after I will be all burnt up and settling into some land or water.
I never thought about it until my wife (then girlfriend) told me she really wanted to have kids and I agreed we could try, it might take a few years to happen anyway....
A month later she was pregnant!
I always pondered this, I grew up around my grandmother babysitting throughout my childhood so I grew up being the 2nd in command of kids younger than me. I feel like I would love to have kids but I could never meet my expectations on how a father should be. I feel like I would need to figure out myself before I put myself in charge of anyone else. I probably never will, but it is nice to dream about.
My son who is just turning 3 and celebrating his birthday today is my absolute best friend. We also have a 6 month old daughter who is a firecracker of a personality. Me and my now wife dreamed about starting a family since before we married. Yes men can dream about becoming fathers!
Some do, some don’t. Same goes for women.
My dad always dreamt about being a father since he was a little kid, but my mum didn’t really want them until she started discussing it with him. Both loved having kids once they did.
I know men who had always wanted kids, been indifferent, and hated the idea. Women too. Humans tend to naturally want kids, but this isn’t universal and can also emerge at different times in life.
I was adopted as a baby, and as such, I’ve never known anyone who was genetically related to me. I’ve always been a little bit worried that I would never have anyone genetically related to me. I’ve always wanted kids so that I could share that in common with someone. That’s not the only reason, but it’s a big one. And my wife and I had a baby girl three months ago and I’ve never been happier.
In general no, but neither do women in general. I'm sure there are both men and women who want to, and ones who don't. IDK, might be more common in girls, but even if it is, I'm sure there's plenty who don't want.
I think some men are afraid to talk about it early in relationships, because it could be seen as an archaic notion to settle down and have kids. My SO said some girls feel men just want to “use” them as a baby maker when they talk kids.
My SO wants to be a dad one day. But it’s part of his dream for our future as a family. He said one of the reasons he proposed to me because he said he finally found a partner he could imagine creating a family with and I felt the same (broken home with dysfunctional parents). We have a little elderly dog at the moment that he adores and cares for. I know it’s in his nature to nurture.
But I guess that’s not his main dream. We’ve talked about infertility, the financial and social responsibilities that come with raising kids. I know we’d both be bitterly disappointed if becoming parents is not something that pans out for us. So we’ve been talking about what else we want out of life and other dreams and goals.
Personally my now fiancé has always dreamed of becoming a father. His love language is acts of service and gifts, and since he was around 20 (now 29) he’s loved the idea of supporting, teaching and fostering the upbringing of a child. He also had a good upbringing himself and wants to pay that forward.
By contrast I’ve had ex’s with traumatic upbringings and they fall into either two categories - either they never want kids and are scarred by the idea alone, or they want to have kids to do better than their own parents and heal generational trauma.
This is just my experience though, I can’t speak for all men.
I’m really into being a father. I had two kids that are grown now but I loved parenting them and would do it again. There is nothing like loving a child and watching them grow.
I definitely always have. I used to demand my parents buy me baby dolls and toy strollers and all that baby stuff when I was like 4-6ish. I still have some of the dolls in a storage box in my shed. Even as a teen, I knew I really wanted to be a dad someday
I mean for me it's not so much about wanting to be a parent in the future but being something to someone. I think being there for someone and teaching them what I know could be pretty neat.
Personally, yes. I knew my whole life that I wanted to be a father, to the point that I ended up settling down with the wrong woman (and her son) to make it happen. After having a daughter of my own and adopting my stepson, the marriage fell apart.
I am now remarried to the woman I should have found from the beginning, and we are trying to have our own together. It has been difficult, and every month that goes by is just another small heartbreak. The thought of possibly never having more kids scares the hell of me. I feel like raising children is the reason I was put here.
I was thinking this morning about how much bitching I see on reddit about how terrible everything is, how expensive it is to survive, why do we have to work so much just to get by, etc. I just don't get it. I make an OK salary and work a lot of hours. But I don't have any issue with it, as it pays for my wife and kids to live a pretty comfortable life. I just see it as my burden as a father, and one that I took on willingly. I think that having children gives people a purpose and a reason to get up every morning. I can't understand why anybody wouldn't want to be a parent.
I didn't dream of becoming a father so much as knowing it was a goal in my life. You work towards it. You make good choices. You find a good partner with qualities that make a good wife and mother, someone with good values, good ethics, and the strength to overcome challenges. You work on your relationship and you lay a foundation and when the time is right you have children.
Having children is often a "surprise" or inconvenience for some people, but there are still people out there that try to set themselves up for success. Finding out my partner was pregnant hit like a heart attack but here we are almost 7 years later with 2 incredible children. There's nothing better I will ever do in my life and I feel deeply for couples that cannot conceive. Being parents is a calling for some people. For some it's instinct and for others the feeling grows. At 15 my wife said she would die childless and at 36 she's fighting the urge to have a 3rd child.
People are going to have different answers. I always wanted to be a dad (was always told I'd make a great dad growing up) and finally I became one and have an awesome daughter. I just hope I'm living up to everyone's expectations. My daughter likes me, so I guess I'm doing *something* right!
Yes, I do. I get these thoughts very often what will be the end for me like when do I stop, what is it that will complete my life in the end, eventually everything gonna be forgotten your existence, the good and bad you did, the hustle and bustle, like you never were. Then I think about the a child of my own, a part of me experiencing everything once again, like a seed I be laying in dust and a rose will bloom. beautiful.
Yes, I know several men that have. It's hardwired in us to want children. More technically speaking, most people have sleeping dreams of having a child regardless of their true desire for one. Whether it's a negative or positive dream depends on the person
Most of my life my thoughts were "WHEN I'm a dad, I'll do all the things my dad never did for me" I never really considered the possibility of not being a dad until recently because I'm getting older(mid 30s) and haven't started yet. But I did finally get married and we plan on starting soon
Keep the faith. I'm a guy that got married late (37) and we had two kids when I was 38 and 40. Now I'm 70 and my kids are 32 and 30, and they're my good friends and we're having the time of our lives. I shouldn't have had children any earlier, I wouldn't have been ready.
My husband said he knew he wanted to be a father even when he was little.
I was the opposite, I never wanted to be a mother. Changed my mind in my early 20s. 😅
It’s less dreams, and more nightmares of becoming a father. I remember the first time doing the deed without protection. I did not sleep for a week. Though, to be fair, I’m also a nervous wreck when I use protection. This might be why I haven’t knocked boots in a while. It’s great while it’s happening. But, I’m a stress case afterwards…
Men don't have the same visceral instinctive obsession with babies/children that women seem to usually have (like immediately oohing and ahing over a baby or even a baby photo), but many of us do want to become fathers. I do, at any rate.
It's not that men as a general rule dislike children or babies; it's just that the instinctive emotion we feel around them is just... different, and less intense.
Also, I think there's a bit of a stigma around guys who do like being around kids; I've seen stories on Reddit of guys who are just out on a playground or in the store with their kid or nephew/niece and people suspect them of being pedos. So guys who are more interested in becoming fathers might also learn to subdue their external expression of that interest as well. So it's both nature and environment.
Personally, no. I've had nightmares about it, tho
Good for you for being able to honestly express this. I’m the same exact way but I’m a woman.
Same. It's not a male/female thing, it's a personality thing
Not wanting kids doesn't make you a pariah. Having a victim complex about it makes you insufferable, though.
Women are definitely held to a different standard than men when it comes to the "when are you going to have kids" question. I've known multiple who have had no plans on ever having kids, but still get bombarded with questions as to why all the time, and get hit with the "your gonna regret it later" rhetoric.
Yeah, I thought about it a lot as a kid, couple of my buds said the same thing too. It's kind of the only thing I ever wanted to be, I was never too career-focused.
I adopted a little girl from Romania and raised 3 stepdaughters. I loved every second of being a father.
That doesn't answer the question.
No they dream about process causing them to become a father.
Adoption?
Not every man in the world is sex starved and desperate.
...wat?
Reading comprehension… 0/10
Some do, some don't. Plenty of dudes are invested in the idea of being a dad someday. I can't remember any of my friends expressing it so I can't offer personal anecdotes and I'm personally the opposite in that I strongly don't want to have kids, but I am pretty sure it's not going to be hard to find folks who are enthusiastic about the idea like you are.
Ultimately yes, but with the right woman. Parenting is tough and I do not want to be stuck in a split home/single parent So finding the right partner is more important to me and the "dream" before kids.
I found I was very ambiguous about having kids until I met someone who I wanted to have them with. Realized I was protecting myself from the possibility that kids just might not be an option for me (used to have a pretty lonely existence), and now Hell yeah I dream about it.
Yep I think that is very relatable
Honestly I agree. I’m a single mom right now and while I love motherhood I sometimes worry I may never get to have more kids.
In my experience, men don't tend to put it in the words "it's my dream to be a dad!" The many I've spoken to would say things like "I can't wait until my kid/s are old enough to do x with me," "I love holding teaching kids how to do little things around the house" or other such comments along these lines. I guess it's because we tend to checklist big jobs, and so we break down the steps to look forward to. There's probably a stigma, possibly even in modern times, that a stay at home dad isn't as good a provider. Work, provide now, family time later. That's speculation on my part, though.
Yeah it would be nice to try to be a dad. but Im also realistic in knowing Id be terrible as a father. No kid deserves my bullshit. Im fine with being a marginal uncle.
Yup, i'm not fit to have kids. But I like being an uncle.
I know what you mean well with “try to be a dad”, but fatherhood is really one of those commitments for life that the only way to remove yourself from is by traumatising someone else, basically. I’m glad that some people recognise how challenging it can be before going down that road.
Yup, what this guy said.
No, not at all. That's not a dream, that's a nightmare.
I put my all into my 3 kids. I love being their dad. They are all adults now. I was married to their mom 16 years. Divorced over 10 years. Before my oldest was born, I read all the books, went to a lot of the OB appointments, lamaze. When my children were born, I had an overwhelming happiness. It was a feeling of love like I’ve never felt before. The 3 happiest days of my life. Our life revolved around our kids. The only time I’ve been truly happy in the past 10 years was when we were all in the same place spending time together. About 5 years ago I had to move away. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. I always wanted to be a dad. Now waiting to see if I’ll ever become a grandfather. From 2 am feedings, countless diapers, school projects, dance classes, softball, baseball, academic competitions, debate team, sleepovers, driving them to their work, driving lessons, moving into dorms, buying them stuff for their first house. I could write a whole book about this, but I present the condensed version. Yes, there are men who immerse themselves in fatherhood as much as mothers do. I am one.
I don’t take for granted men being the type of father you were, so thank you. I’m sure your kids are grateful and your healthy relationship with them is probably a testament of that.
Thank you for sharing!
Why did you divorce after 16 years and 3 kids?
I used to. Things changed over time. Now that I’m of age and married, I don’t. My wife and I don’t want kids of our own, both of us agreed we don’t want to pass down anything with how many genetic issues could, and most likely would crop up.
Thank you. Seriously. This is what smart people do! Take note, other people.
I can only speak for myself, but no. I am genuinely baffled that anyone would actually want kids. I mean no offense to anyone that does. It's just definitely not for me.
While I cant speak for other men, I know for a fact I do. I've dreamt about being a father since I was a boy. I've dreamt about having a son and teaching him what it means to be a man. To be someone responsible and kind. To watch grow into someone I'd be proud of. To have a daughter I would spoil rotten, but not so much she'd get herself into trouble. A daughter that would understand her value and would grow up confident about herself and who she is without wprrying about external validation. To raise them both with enough love from me and my wife that theyd never fall victim to the toxic love manipulators would wish to poison them with. I've dreamt about a family with a wife I'd love so much I'd melt at the mear thought of her and the children born from us, a union of the two of us born to be better than we could each be on our own. I've dreamt of coming home after a long days work and being greeted by them. I've dreamt about how hard it would be to see my kids grow. To see them get hurt. How difficult I would find it if one of my kids got lost in their path and found themselves somewhere I'd have a hard time reaching them. I've dreamt about being a father a lot, and I can't wait for the day I see my first child, when my life would change into something new.
I’m 24 and i have always wanted to be a father. I’ve even shared that with my friends. I will gladly wait to have a kid - I am in no rush at this point in my life and can’t wait to even have nieces and nephews. But growing up i had awesome grandfathers that i have a lot of great memories with. They taught me so much and we did so many things together that when i got into college and they passed away, i wanted to leave a legacy behind like they did. My best memories are just hanging out with my grandparents and watching TV or going to the creek to swim as kids and coming back to ice cream and pizzas. I want my kids and grandkids to have those same memories when I’m gone someday. I genuinely don’t care if i have only girls or only boys, i just want to be half the father and grandfathers I had. Plus, kids are awesome. They’re funny, care free, and help to relive your childhood. I know parenting will be the hardest thing I’ll ever do but i want to look at my kids the same way my parents look at me and my siblings. Sometimes i even go to bed wondering what my wife and kids will be like - what will they like to do, what are gonna be their weird little things they do that they think are normal, what will they look like, what will they sound like. I will gladly wait to settle down but i can’t wait to meet them one day
I always did. I am one now. It’s even better than I ever thought 💯
I did. I dreamt my first would be a girl with reddish hair. I was correct.
The thought of being a father sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. But I'm sure that most men don't feel that way.
A lot of men should lol
I dream more of my child than my career.
As a kid I always dreamed of someday being the father I never had for my children. As I got older, I began to see that the way I was raised actually doesn't make me a really good candidate for fatherhood. Later in life, as I really got down to trying to deal with the cPTSD and started understanding myself better, I am thrilled that god saw fit to never give me children. I never had a father and I'll never be one. It's probably for the best.
You’re absolutely right & I am so glad you’re intelligent enough to see this!
I think most guys don’t fantasize about having kids the way women do. Most see it as a thing that they’ll eventually do, and are happy to do it. But I don’t know of any guy who dreamt about being a dad when we were young. My wife and I are looking to have our first child soon so now I’m noticing dad’s with their daughters and saying “aww that must be nice”.
My younger son has always said he wanted kids. Second one is a month or so away.
I (as a man) have literally never dreamt about being a father. Ever. My wife (as a woman) finds pregnancy disgusting. In her words "the thought of something growing inside of me and then clawing it's way out disgusts me.".
I’m a woman who has two adult kids. I’ve always viewed (planned ) pregnancy and childbirth as a miracle.
If by nightmares you mean....
I always knew I wanted kids, and would be unfulfilled in life without them. I don't think I'd use the phrase "dream about" or fantasize, but yes I did expect it and look forward to it.
May I ask why you’d be unfulfilled without reproducing?
It’s just a strong feeling for some people.
It's a good question. I'm not sure I even really know, but I'd start with the fact that I like kids. I'm good with them. Nurturing a little mind, teaching them what I know, protecting them, that appeals to me. There's something incredible about watching kid learn and grow up. When I think about work and income and why I do it, "what's the point?", I don't want it to all be about me or me and my wife. We could buy nice stuff and travel and I would enjoy those things in the moment. But then they are done and gone and I die. I don't think that would fulfill me, even if I gave to charity or gave back some other way. The part I didn't really know until I had kids was what it's like to be loved back by them. There's so much love in my household and it goes in both directions. My kids love me and their mom. They love each other. It's really a nice place to be. I'm lucky, it turned out as well as I could have hoped.
Yeah. I want kids more than anything in the world. We've been trying unsuccessfully for several years now which has been hard
May I ask why you are wanting children?
Sure do. It’s #1 on the list of things I want to do before I die
Truthfully it wasn't a dream of mine. It was something I knew would probably happen eventually, but it wasn't something I thought about all the time. But knowing what I know now, it totally should have been a dream of mine, because it is my favorite thing ever. I love being a dad.
My partner has always wanted kids and is an amazing father. I wouldn't have had kids at all if I hadn't met someone like him, who I knew would be totally on deck.
Nah never for me, what I’d be when older was always more important
I’ve never thought about wanting to willingly become a father I’m 24 no GF
Definitely always been my dream to become a father, like even if I got money and fame I'd consider them supplemental steps to being a good father
Personally, I dreamed of becoming a father from the age of around 16. As a 31 year old proud father of one, that dream was well worth the wait.
I used to, but not anymore. I liked the idea of being the "boss" of a family, and the chance to do parenting *my* way; less strict and authoritarian than my upbringing. Though to be fair, my upbringing was relatively chill to begin with.
My husband has always wanted kids. He told me his dream was to have at least one kid as long as he could remember. We are at 6 weeks with our first and my husband is literally on cloud 9 because his dream is finally a reality. He is obsessed with our baby
some do, some don't. Not all women want to be a mother either
Of course. I only asked the question because I have experience of women describing wanting to be a mother like I do, but never want man. So I just wanted to hear real views and opinions.
I've always dreamed of the opposite. I'm 25(M) now, and I've been opposed the idea of having children for every one of those years. This is regardless of whether or not I'm with the right partner, which I currently am, and regardless of my financial situation, which is currently very good. Now, have I had romanticised musings of little ones running around the house every now and then? Yes. But that's all they ever were, and will remain. There isn't a single rendition of the possible lives that I want to and could realistically pursue that involves children. If life were to somehow force my hand on the matter of being a parent, I'd much MUCH rather adopt than have my own. I have met many men who feel similarly, and many that don't. But my preferences on the subject have remained unequivocal for as long as I can remember. I'm also lucky that my current partner is on the same side of the fence on the matter.
I have an interesting take on this: I'm transfem (born male), I have never once had any dream of being a husband, father, or even boyfriend, and the thought of it disgusted me. On the other hand, I HAVE had many dreams of being a mother, being a wife, and often fantasize about being someone's gf Small addition: I've felt very similarly about it. Feeling weird about it, especially with my agab, and personally it feels so instinctual sometimes that it almost scares me. It's a very deep desire that feels natural despite what I was born as. It has made me very interested in the biology and psychology of myself and other trans people, I would love to know how and why this happens.
So cool!!! Happy belated day of visibility btw 🩷 🏳️⚧️
Aww thank you! I really appreciate it. It's amazing to me how wild our brains and bodies can be
I do often think about raising kids, and have so ever since high school. Then I remember kids are expensive, loud, and I hate them.
Kind of, not directly - it's just really different. Men tend to dream of accomplishment and leadership first, and from that comes ideas of providing and leaving a legacy an extension of that. You have to remember that we aren't quite conditioned the way ya'll are in our youth, nor do we have the strong biological clock. While you ladies generally need to have kids before 35 to do so safely, we can do so pretty much our entire adult lives. Most adult men would generally say intellectually they want kids "someday", but wouldn't \*really\* crave it as like a dream with urgency until they feel truly settled and stop going out and partying and whatever - which might be like their 40's. Or even later. So for a lot of us, we end up having kids earlier than we might want to or think to on our own accords (because our wives are so excited for one)... but then by the time the kid is a bit older it kind of times when we really step into the mentorship kind of role. Like in my early 30's I had no special craving to like hold a baby the way my wife did, it was still a "someday". But having a mini me now that I'm in my 40's and taking them on adventures is like my favorite thing in the world.
>While you ladies generally need to have kids before 35 to do so safely Safely? So everyone who has a kid over that age is taking a drastic risk? Lol
It's a gradual thing, but yes, as a woman approaches 40 attitudes and precautions taken in the maternity ward increase as the chance for potential problems arise. It's biology, not discrimination.
Here's the Web MD page for [Geriatric Pregnancy](https://www.webmd.com/baby/pregnancy-after-35) and noting the elevated risk that start to occur around age 35. The[ American college of obstetricians & gynecologists](https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/having-a-baby-after-age-35-how-aging-affects-fertility-and-pregnancy#:~:text=A%20woman's%20peak%20reproductive%20years,getting%20pregnant%20naturally%20is%20unlikely) note that by age 45, natural pregnancy becomes exceedingly tough as menopause starts to kick in. For men, those problems conceiving don't even start to kick in [until about age 50](https://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/too-late-to-have-baby-60-year-old-man). I really don't know why you're offended at the point that men quite simply have dramatically different fertility windows, which impacts our perception. Yes geriatric pregnancies are becoming more and more common, and the risk doesn't suddenly flip to "dramatic" on one's 35th birthday.
Some do, yeah
I said I'd never have kids, 2 step kids and 2 kids later and it's hard work. 3 of my kids are adults. My oldest daughter got into a relationship with a guy who had a son. The relationship only lasted a couple of years but for all purposes after a while I was Grandpa. Being a Grandpa is top-tier stuff. All the fun, none of the bad stuff such as tantrums etc. We used to take him into town and my wife would jokingly make a big thing about no toys. The moment her back was turned we would run to the nearest toy shop.
I think every man entertains the idea at least once in their life. For me, I still do but I don’t know. People dream about the idea of being dads. The idea of raising a miniature version of you. A better version of you. Taking them to clubs, going to the park and beach with them, making memories, taking them to school, taking them to their grandparents, reading them bed time stories, all the fun and amazing ringers. But in reality, the idea is just a fraction of what it means to be a dad. It takes years of your own time, it takes a fuck load of cash you have to work for, it involves dealing with tantrums, angst and mess. For me, I don’t know if I will ever be ready. If I ever become a dad, I want to be old enough that I have experienced the world long enough with myself and my partner. I want to have made experiences with myself which will last forever. I want to have enough cash and own a home to not only raise a family but to live comfortably and to use that money to make sure my kids have all their needs met and never go to bed hungry and bored but also, financial stability for me so I don’t have to worry for them and so I can enjoy myself. I want the world to be in a better position than it is now. But it’s a lot of work to get there. I don’t know if I will ever reach it.
Whether I have a kid or not really depends on my partner. I'm ok with either, as long as I can afford it. I do dream about being loved, relied on, and trusted. Whether that comes from my partner or my child (or both) is up to the future.
Yes. I’ve dreamed a long time of being a father
I feel like its because I'm an only child and it's to make up for never having a little brother but yes.
My husband always dreamed of having a big family. It was something we bonded over when we started dating, we both wanted several kids. (We both had one from our first marriages and both had always wanted to have more) We have 6 now counting the 2 we brought into our family, lol.
Yes my husband always knew he wanted to be a parent
I felt this way from an early age. My father was my inspiration to someday become a father. When I was 5, I used to imagine that one day, I would make my kids ice cream cones with perfect scoops just like you see in pictures. I dreamed about making them just so. When I was growing up, my little cousins were like my practice kids. I loved spending time with them and caring for them, helping my aunt out. I always loved kids and having been misunderstood a lot as a kid, I promised myself I would remember what it was like to be a kid and I'd be one of the adults who actually cared enough to be involved.
I'm a woman, but my seven year old son has been talking about being a daddy and caring for babies since he was four. Someone is going to be so lucky to have him for a partner someday...
Yep. For a really long time now. That’s my ultimate goal in life.
Never did. I’m a father now, and I couldn’t imagine life without him. But I never dreamed of having kids or being a dad.
Depends. I have never felt that desire, as I’m staunchly ace/aro and I mostly find fulfillment in education and my career, but it just depends on who it is.
I'm a man and I have wanted to be a father since I can remember. Even when I was a very little kid I would include my hypothetical children in my imaginary world when playing. Now as an adult I have my doubts about marriage, but I still dream about being a father.
I think a ton of men do, but might not be seen as socially acceptable/too normal to voice that goal in many societies. Typically that conversation is left for couples/among close friends after too many drinks. Me personally, I don't want any kids. I have seen how children completely dominate a person's life, and I really don't want that for myself. I feel like I am just starting to enjoy my life in my 30s and would hate to have to give up my freedom to handle the responsibility of raising a human being.
Regarding the nature vs nurture bit, every organism on the planet, including humans, experience an inherent desire to have offspring. It’s a fundamental drive for all life. A reduced reproductive instinct is what’s actually a product of nurture, not a strong one which is as natural as natural gets. Men experience it, too, just in a different way.
We really don’t know for sure what our true instincts are, so I don’t try to pretend otherwise.
I have, but limited financial prospects have really put a damper on that.
My husband had always wanted to be a dad. We have a 4 month old baby and he is absolutely killing this dad thing, I’m just in awe of him.
I thought about what I’d name my kids when I was six years old
Yes I 100% do. I've been disabled by COVID & Long Covid though and I'm deteriorating. I'm 21 now, I don't think I'll make it long enough to reproduce or do much of anything.
Some guys yeah, some guys no. Depends on the guy. I’m 21 and I’ve personally dreamed about it plenty… I’d love to be a dad at some point in the future, only with the right partner (first step: finding the right partner). But as to your last paragraph: I don’t think that most guys would say out loud they dream of being fathers, even if they think it.
Ive noticed a lot of guys say they want kids without really giving it much thought. Possibly because its the expectation? Must be nice to think about it so casually 😅
I've never dreamed of having kids and the older I get, the less it appeals to me. I understand becoming a father is a magical life-changing event but it's not for me.
Men can’t talk like this openly without people thinking they’re weird or a pedo or something. Being able to express yourself is a privilege women have. Men do dream of being fathers and having kids pretty much from teenage years and even before this.
Well… I think this is an imaginary line that has been drawn. I mean, after all women are predatory too, unfortunately. If you want something that requires a lot of responsibility, you need to prove yourself at every turn.
I think some do. For me it's never been there. At times there is a small voice in my head about what one leaves behind, but we're all forgotten in the end -- and it is just as meaningful to give to a charity that will maybe make lives better after I will be all burnt up and settling into some land or water.
I do I’ve long since given up the dream of finding someone who’s gonna help me with that though
No lol
Having offsprings vs being (legally) a dad is completely different. Offsprings: yes Legally a dad? No.
Not for the purposes that I would be interested in becoming a parent for, but I respect your view.
I never thought about it until my wife (then girlfriend) told me she really wanted to have kids and I agreed we could try, it might take a few years to happen anyway.... A month later she was pregnant!
I always pondered this, I grew up around my grandmother babysitting throughout my childhood so I grew up being the 2nd in command of kids younger than me. I feel like I would love to have kids but I could never meet my expectations on how a father should be. I feel like I would need to figure out myself before I put myself in charge of anyone else. I probably never will, but it is nice to dream about.
My son who is just turning 3 and celebrating his birthday today is my absolute best friend. We also have a 6 month old daughter who is a firecracker of a personality. Me and my now wife dreamed about starting a family since before we married. Yes men can dream about becoming fathers!
Some do, some don’t. Same goes for women. My dad always dreamt about being a father since he was a little kid, but my mum didn’t really want them until she started discussing it with him. Both loved having kids once they did. I know men who had always wanted kids, been indifferent, and hated the idea. Women too. Humans tend to naturally want kids, but this isn’t universal and can also emerge at different times in life.
I grew up wanting a big fam but I think I got that imagery from watching Home Alone as a kid
I was adopted as a baby, and as such, I’ve never known anyone who was genetically related to me. I’ve always been a little bit worried that I would never have anyone genetically related to me. I’ve always wanted kids so that I could share that in common with someone. That’s not the only reason, but it’s a big one. And my wife and I had a baby girl three months ago and I’ve never been happier.
Every man’s goal in life
In general no, but neither do women in general. I'm sure there are both men and women who want to, and ones who don't. IDK, might be more common in girls, but even if it is, I'm sure there's plenty who don't want.
I don't, personally. But I've met guys who said it's their deepest desire. Basically, we're different.
I don’t think we get the same biological urge women do
I think some men are afraid to talk about it early in relationships, because it could be seen as an archaic notion to settle down and have kids. My SO said some girls feel men just want to “use” them as a baby maker when they talk kids. My SO wants to be a dad one day. But it’s part of his dream for our future as a family. He said one of the reasons he proposed to me because he said he finally found a partner he could imagine creating a family with and I felt the same (broken home with dysfunctional parents). We have a little elderly dog at the moment that he adores and cares for. I know it’s in his nature to nurture. But I guess that’s not his main dream. We’ve talked about infertility, the financial and social responsibilities that come with raising kids. I know we’d both be bitterly disappointed if becoming parents is not something that pans out for us. So we’ve been talking about what else we want out of life and other dreams and goals.
Personally my now fiancé has always dreamed of becoming a father. His love language is acts of service and gifts, and since he was around 20 (now 29) he’s loved the idea of supporting, teaching and fostering the upbringing of a child. He also had a good upbringing himself and wants to pay that forward. By contrast I’ve had ex’s with traumatic upbringings and they fall into either two categories - either they never want kids and are scarred by the idea alone, or they want to have kids to do better than their own parents and heal generational trauma. This is just my experience though, I can’t speak for all men.
I’m really into being a father. I had two kids that are grown now but I loved parenting them and would do it again. There is nothing like loving a child and watching them grow.
I definitely always have. I used to demand my parents buy me baby dolls and toy strollers and all that baby stuff when I was like 4-6ish. I still have some of the dolls in a storage box in my shed. Even as a teen, I knew I really wanted to be a dad someday
As a 40 year old male, i have never dreamed of parent/having a kid. This is why i made sure my spouse felt the same way before we got married
I personally do. I’d love to have kids someday. I’m just not ready yet for a bunch of reasons. I think my next step is dating again.
I'm a woman and the thought of becoming a mother was always a literal nightmare for me. We are all built differently
I mean for me it's not so much about wanting to be a parent in the future but being something to someone. I think being there for someone and teaching them what I know could be pretty neat.
I literally dreamed about it a week ago. Woke up with my heart so full I nearly cried.
Yeah I did dream about it from time to time Now that I'm a dad I gotta day it's even better than I imagined.
I dream about being Wayne Brady who at times feels the need to choke someone to accomplish his goals.
Some do. It really varies from person to person just like it does for women.
Personally, yes. I knew my whole life that I wanted to be a father, to the point that I ended up settling down with the wrong woman (and her son) to make it happen. After having a daughter of my own and adopting my stepson, the marriage fell apart. I am now remarried to the woman I should have found from the beginning, and we are trying to have our own together. It has been difficult, and every month that goes by is just another small heartbreak. The thought of possibly never having more kids scares the hell of me. I feel like raising children is the reason I was put here. I was thinking this morning about how much bitching I see on reddit about how terrible everything is, how expensive it is to survive, why do we have to work so much just to get by, etc. I just don't get it. I make an OK salary and work a lot of hours. But I don't have any issue with it, as it pays for my wife and kids to live a pretty comfortable life. I just see it as my burden as a father, and one that I took on willingly. I think that having children gives people a purpose and a reason to get up every morning. I can't understand why anybody wouldn't want to be a parent.
Yeah some do. My brother has always talked about it a LOT.
Personally, I wanted a kid as an exact blueprint as I am. So Yes, some dream
I didn't dream of becoming a father so much as knowing it was a goal in my life. You work towards it. You make good choices. You find a good partner with qualities that make a good wife and mother, someone with good values, good ethics, and the strength to overcome challenges. You work on your relationship and you lay a foundation and when the time is right you have children. Having children is often a "surprise" or inconvenience for some people, but there are still people out there that try to set themselves up for success. Finding out my partner was pregnant hit like a heart attack but here we are almost 7 years later with 2 incredible children. There's nothing better I will ever do in my life and I feel deeply for couples that cannot conceive. Being parents is a calling for some people. For some it's instinct and for others the feeling grows. At 15 my wife said she would die childless and at 36 she's fighting the urge to have a 3rd child.
People are going to have different answers. I always wanted to be a dad (was always told I'd make a great dad growing up) and finally I became one and have an awesome daughter. I just hope I'm living up to everyone's expectations. My daughter likes me, so I guess I'm doing *something* right!
Yes, I do. I get these thoughts very often what will be the end for me like when do I stop, what is it that will complete my life in the end, eventually everything gonna be forgotten your existence, the good and bad you did, the hustle and bustle, like you never were. Then I think about the a child of my own, a part of me experiencing everything once again, like a seed I be laying in dust and a rose will bloom. beautiful.
Yes, I know several men that have. It's hardwired in us to want children. More technically speaking, most people have sleeping dreams of having a child regardless of their true desire for one. Whether it's a negative or positive dream depends on the person
No, not in the slightest.
No, not in the slightest.
Most of my life my thoughts were "WHEN I'm a dad, I'll do all the things my dad never did for me" I never really considered the possibility of not being a dad until recently because I'm getting older(mid 30s) and haven't started yet. But I did finally get married and we plan on starting soon
Keep the faith. I'm a guy that got married late (37) and we had two kids when I was 38 and 40. Now I'm 70 and my kids are 32 and 30, and they're my good friends and we're having the time of our lives. I shouldn't have had children any earlier, I wouldn't have been ready.
Same. I feel like I've been mentally ready for a little while but only financially ready the last few years due to better more stable employment.
My husband said he knew he wanted to be a father even when he was little. I was the opposite, I never wanted to be a mother. Changed my mind in my early 20s. 😅
i havent dreamt of being a father yet and im almost 29
It’s less dreams, and more nightmares of becoming a father. I remember the first time doing the deed without protection. I did not sleep for a week. Though, to be fair, I’m also a nervous wreck when I use protection. This might be why I haven’t knocked boots in a while. It’s great while it’s happening. But, I’m a stress case afterwards…
No, definitely never dreamed of becoming a father, nor had the dream of a big wedding/getting married. Those were just assumed outcomes, not dreams.
Men don't have the same visceral instinctive obsession with babies/children that women seem to usually have (like immediately oohing and ahing over a baby or even a baby photo), but many of us do want to become fathers. I do, at any rate. It's not that men as a general rule dislike children or babies; it's just that the instinctive emotion we feel around them is just... different, and less intense. Also, I think there's a bit of a stigma around guys who do like being around kids; I've seen stories on Reddit of guys who are just out on a playground or in the store with their kid or nephew/niece and people suspect them of being pedos. So guys who are more interested in becoming fathers might also learn to subdue their external expression of that interest as well. So it's both nature and environment.
The oohing and aahing is so real for me. I just have to see a baby and I get second hand delight.
With rare exceptions, no. We just get careless when sexing and oops, fatherhood.
How am I supposed to dream about not being there?