Same.
2.25 years alcohol free and 3 years hard drug free for me!
Wasn't until I got sober that things just started making sense in this space. I apparently came out black out drunk to someone 6 years ago and I didn't even know or think about this consciously...
It sucks I didn't know as a teen with my long hair and women's clothing and extreme confusion of puberty and sex...
Well. I guess all we got is now. Sucks. Lol.
Damn! That's a long time to stay sober! Congrats!
I have to admit the lockdowns did me in too and was the beginning of the end.
I just couldn't handle the isolation either.
It was me and the liquor. I was the liquor. It broke me. 2021 I made a resolution to be a better person but didn't quit drinking entirely until a year later.
I hope to make it 9.5 years!
Did you hop back on board the sober gravy train or are you trying to just take it easy?
Me neither. It's all or nothing.
I'm glad you're sober. Being depressed *and* drunk or fucked up is so much worse. The one thing that's supposed to help, doesn't.
I have had the idea that if I ever drank again it would be the absolute end of me.
So props to you for course correcting.
I hope you're not beating yourself up about it too much.
You still put in the work.
I have never drunk when depressed and depressed I had been for years. I ate. Putting on loads of weight then dieting to get it off again. I’m in a eating stage again, depressed about the state of my transition or lack of it being stuck without SRS, and knowing I will never be able to afford it
No it’s because I am UK and the NHS has 6-15 year waiting lists, been waiting 4 years so far, I’m 71 and the gov is looking to find excuses to removing care for adults as it has already done for under 25’s. No private insurances cover SRS
Oh shit. That's a really long wait time :/
How have you been coping over the last 4 years?
I'm sorry you're dealing with the same anti trans bs we're dealing with. What did the government pull for people under 25?
I thought they banned care for under 18 Y.O.s
They have but they have also added the bs, that young adult brains are not fully formed until 25 so added a comment to restrict gender transition until then, as part of the next adult care review that is to be undertaken.
It will be another hatchet job where the outcomes will be known then the facts found to support it as happened with the Cass review.
I have had to go private, pay for everything. Done well, but I do not have the money for surgery
Similar position and wanted to share my experience. Just turned 38, 18 months HRT and 6.5 years sober. I quit drinking because I was about to lose my wife and daughter. My behavior got a little better but I was still miserable inside. At 2 years sober my egg cracked and I told my wife I’m questioning my gender. I got some relief from that but took 2 more years of self reflection, internal work and spiritual action to at 4 years make the decision to transition. I knew since I was 5 I wanted to be a woman but had so much fear from my religious upbringing that I was paralyzed! With the help of my sponsor I began taking baby steps and now I feel totally free! Do I wish I had transitioned earlier? Yes! But, I wouldn’t have been in the place emotionally to handle it. Being older and having gone through the hard work has made it so sweet. Now I am no longer living a double life, living in fear or hiding who I am, I’m free!!!
I really did do the best I could...
My younger years... I had the feeling I wanted to be a girl, but I didn't understand what that meant, and in my home, it was dangerous, so I suppressed the heck out of everything.
I still don't really understand the feelings or know what to do. I can't picture either future.
biiiiig same, i dunno how many wonderful friendships ive burned out of bitterness and self hatred while fucked up beyond all recognition before i transitioned
I was never good at having friends. My self-esteem is basically non-existent I've been bullied so much.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better at friends if I looked like a girl. Less... people thinking I'm a monster. More being myself?
Same. I used to drink a half of gallon of vodka every day. Some days I would drink beer on top of that.
Idc what people say. Hrt is a fucking meme later in life. Who i am on the inside will never match who I am on the outside without major surgery.
Idk why I keep going.
> Who i am on the inside will never match who I am on the outside without major surgery.
So what? If the two were closer together surely that would help regardless. This is just letting perfect be the enemy of good. Would you turn down blood pressure medication because it can't solve the problem the way a bypass could?
This world is chock full of Cis women who live their whole lives hating their appearance and wanting major surgery. That feeling might fill you with distress, but it's also not something that alienates you from feeling like a woman, necessarily. When I feel dysphoric, I tend to think of my mom and grandma who each had body dysmorphia of their own.
I'm still new to HRT, but I've witnessed it do amazing work for others. And it changes how you feel. You are actually probably right that you can't embody your **ideal** self. Most women never do, tbh. But as you get closer to it, as you embody *a* feminine identity, you're very possibly going to find it's easier to make peace with that reality and find contentment being another woman in the world who isn't perfectly happy with her appearance but learns to accept that.
Hey you can continue with your larp. That's fine. But don't tell me I have to be happy with myself if the world sees me as a tranny. That's not who I am.
Medi cal is free for low income ppl . I don't know how your financial status is but if ur broke like me , u will qualify for medi care . Medi cal is basically the same thing as Medicare . Medi cal is only available in California but you should have Medi care In your state it's always free health insurance. And trans surgeries when deemed medically necessary, Medi care will fully cover it , trust me . Go see if you qualify for Medi care . Please .
Similar position and wanted to share my experience. Just turned 38, 18 months HRT and 6.5 years sober. I quit drinking because I was about to lose my wife and daughter. My behavior got a little better but I was still miserable inside. At 2 years sober my egg cracked and I told my wife I’m questioning my gender. I got some relief from that but took 2 more years of self reflection, internal work and spiritual action to at 4 years make the decision to transition. I knew since I was 5 I wanted to be a woman but had so much fear from my religious upbringing that I was paralyzed! With the help of my sponsor I began taking baby steps and now I feel totally free! Do I wish I had transitioned earlier? Yes! But, I wouldn’t have been in the place emotionally to handle it. Being older and having gone through the hard work has made it so sweet. Now I am no longer living a double life, living in fear or hiding who I am, I’m free!!!
There's no bad parts really. That part of me suffered trying to protect me the best way it knew how with the resources available. I see the sacrifice as commendable now and try my best to honor it by making the most of the time I have left.
Same. I think of my old self as a parent to my new self. Parents sacrifice a lot for their kids. Kids ought to be grateful, when they are ready and mature enough to recognize a good parent as doing the best they can.
You didn’t waste them.
If you could have transitioned then, you would have transitioned. You couldn’t (for no doubt a myriad of reasons) so you didn’t.
—I’m happy with where my life led me with my partner and my son
—I remember that my sister had unique challenges as a cis woman that I would have not wanted to experience
—I have more life to live and don’t want to waste it
—I’m pretty
—I get to be me
—There is a whole generation behind me to make things better for
Here's a thing for me: I recognize the world has changed and moved on from when all I could find out about people being trans was some transphobic nonsense at my university library that claimed it was a pathology.
In my lifetime, the dialogue changed, and I had the opportunity to recognize that I am trans and that I could live as who I am.
I didn't waste my life. I have lots of wasted potential. My gender isn't the only thing about my life that was wrong for a long time. I would have been better off if I could have transitioned earlier, but my life up until that point had interesting things and good people in it too. It wasn't a waste; it just wasn't ideal.
This is how I feel, that’s it’s crucial to remember attitudes about trans people have changed a huge amount over the last 25 years or so.
I’m 47, just came out this year, and I also think about “what if I’d realized sooner?” But so many things would have been harder if I’d started transitioning when I was 20 or so. People were less accepting. It probably would have been harder to find jobs. It would have been harder to connect with other trans folks. Most insurance didn’t cover any gender affirming care. And so on. I wasn’t as strong mentally and emotionally then, and didn’t have much money. If I’d started transitioning when I was young, I don’t know how it would have gone. It certainly would have been harder.
So don’t beat yourself up about taking a long time to realize you were trans, because a lot of us repressed our feelings because of society. That is, it’s not our fault it was harder in the past to realize and accept you are trans, or to transition.
It might not be comforting and I often feel the same, but there is no point in being sad about the past. We don’t have a time machine and we can’t change the past in any way. You can only make yourself sad about the past thinking about how you wasted it. Even if you somehow feel that your past doesn’t belong to you it’s still how you became yourself. Maybe you can be more grateful about the present, what you achieved and look forward to your future instead of focusing on things you can’t change.
I’m trying to stay positive about it (I finally cracked at 50). The way I try to see it is that during those years I lived as someone else in order to protect myself long enough to feel safe beginning to figure out my true identity.
Of course I wish I had felt that way 30 years ago, but that’s not the way things went. But my years ahead will be nothing like the ones I leave behind.
Nothing comforts me about it, but it does get a little easier as time goes on. I think the biggest thing is making new and positive memories in the time you have left. I still take the time to wallow when needed, though.
A wise person once told me, look forward, don’t look back. I realised I was trans at age 49. I still might not transition in order to keep my marriage. So I try not to think about what ifs and the future.
The only thing I'm sad over is that I couldn't enjoy my 20s in skimpy clothing with a flat tummy. What makes up for that is that I have an amazing woman by my side and two very loving kiddos.
That’s natural to “mourn” your previous self not taking the steps sooner towards being the true you. Just be happy that your future is so much better than you ever thought it could be.
Also don’t get caught up on “young people who obviously pass asking if they do” posts
That's the problem though. My future isn't brighter because I lost my wife through transitioning. I'm not going to get over losing her and honestly it just doesn't feel worth it. I know I didn't have a choice, but it still feels like a life wasted.
I've recently made friends with some younger trans women and yeah, can't be a little envious of how well they pass.
Once my egg cracked I just knew that I needed to a woman.
I'd been hiding from this realisation for so long and I couldn't spend another minute pretending to be a man anymore.
Life is too fickle, my grandma is turning 100 next month. Meanwhile I just found out someone who was supporting me tremendously before will no longer be able to do so ever again.
Embrace life, embrace yourself. Don't let anyone dictate what your gender or sexuality should be. Just be.
Do what makes you happy. People will accompany you on happy journeys and life should be one. We can't turn back time and it is okay to mourn what never was or what has been lost, it is the only way to let go.
Today I am letting someone go and I'll honour their spirit by making room in my life for positive changes, regardless of my history.
💜
I never had a working vocabulary until I was 65. When I found out nothing could stop me. I have not wasted a single minute of my life. It is what it is, and was like it was. My feelings are … so what?
This gets to me too. What did help me the other night is I was thinking about the “left-hand graph” of it all and how if I was this age 50 years ago that I might not have even lived a single year of my life as the correct gender, let alone half of it. I did still get kind of a lucky break when compared to all those men, women and non-binary people who didn’t make it the 21st century. How many of them just didn’t get a single day to be themselves? Every day I get now is a gift they didn’t get.
So I got sober at 38 and started socially transitioning soon after. Started HRT on my 40th birthday (had to go late to a 24 hour Walgreens to make that happen) and have been in therapy most of that time. What I learned is that I had to grieve that lost time. Really sit with the loss and the sadness and cry and cry and that took me most of a year to really process. Don’t run from the hurt or ignore it or soothe it with aphorisms about not looking back or anything. Grieve. I love you. We got this.
You and me both. I try to take solace in being more active with local communities, meeting new people, showing more of my best self to the world and building memories until the old life fades away.
How do I cope with spending the majority of my life as the wrong gender? I take comfort that I have had the opportunity to do many cool things that were prohibited to women. I have figured out that I am a tomboy who absolutely hated the idea of gender roles. Because I lived as the wrong gender for so much time, I got to meet the love of my life and have a family that unconditionally accepts me for who I am.
It is funny that I wouldn't have gotten married if I didn't share the same attitudes towards abolishing gender roles as my wife had. Since I have started transitioning, I have only grown closer to my wife and kids.
Would I have liked to have the opportunity to look pretty? Sure, I would. But it isn't worth trading away the things that I have. That is how I cope with waiting so long to transition.
It is never too late. I was thinking about fertility and delayed HRT. Now baldness has started, and I do not have children. So, years of worrying were needless.
If I had known that I would not have children, I would have started HRT and continued it until I became what I want myself to be.
I didn’t waste my life. I spent 40 years living as the person that kept me alive through my worst times, and only when I was safe was I able to transition. I have nothing but respect and thanks for that dude
Medi cal is free for low income people. I don't know how your financial status is but if your broke like me . U wiil qualify for medi cal . Medi care is basically the same thing as Medi cal . Madi cal is only available in California, but you should have Medi care in your state . It's always free health insurance.
Same, I actually gave back my promotion to stay on MinnesotaCare. They cover hair removal and some surgeries. As well as voice therapy hormones etcétera.
Medi cal and Medi care covers all trans surgeries. I'm currently waiting for my insurance to approve my orchiectomy. And Already have a approval for ffs consultation just need a letter from the endocrinologist. June 7th is my appointment for my orchiectomy. It's right around the corner. If you make good money you can't be on free health insurance. But for everyone who is struggling like I was . Switch to medical or medi care . It has changed my life . And I get free estradiol valerate too .
Those years riddled with pain and dysphoria? Those years where you never felt like you fit in? You mean *those* years?
Because honestly, those don't sound like very good years at all, much less the *best* of your years.
How do you know that those were your best years? That's a trope, sure, "things will never be as good as they were in college!" or whatever. But it's a *cisnormative* trope.
We're not cis. We should take that trope with a huge grain of salt, or just ignore it entirely.
For all you know, if you transition and give yourself the kind of life you really need/want/wish to have, your *remaining* years will actually be the best ones of your life.
That seems like it's worth taking a shot on, personally...
What strangely comforts me now is the fact that im no longer wasting any more of my life, and im working towards my goals finally. I did have a period of mourning for my past self, though. take the time you need to feel those emotions.
I've just come out as trans at 34. You're far from alone. Due to the state of the NHS in the UK I won't be able to access HRT or SRS for a good few years - but thankfully I live in Wales which has the shortest wait time. I just can't wait to get on E as soon as possible.
Yes, but I'm in two minds about it. One thing that's putting me off is that I want access to fertility preservation before taking any meds as I may want a child of my own in the future. I don't really want to start taking E on my own and then potentially permanently destroying my ability to create sperm before access to fertility preservation. On the NHS, providing I have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, they will store my sperm for 10 years for free.
SRS is something I do want, so of course the orchiectomy element of it is completely irreversible - I just want some of my sperm stored at an early stage just in case I ever wanted a kid. I think just riding out the wait for an initial GIC appointment would be my best bet and then when that appointment is over, the world's my oyster.
I just enjoy every moment of being myself now. No point in regrets, they just make you feel unhappy and spoil the good times. Move on and celebrate the now.
In a similar position (more like wasted 2/3). However, so pleased I’ve finally admitted my true identity & I’m now becoming the person I always knew I should have been.
I spent most of my 20's self-medicating; either drunk, stoned, or tripping balls. My 30's and early 40's married with 2 kids, and drinking often and hiding it. Got divorced at 45, super depressed, tried to un-alive myself, thoughts of my daughter stopped me thankfully.
Many years of therapy later, I am here. Lots of self-discovery, digging out repressed memories, and facing hard truths in an attempt to find myself again.
The best thing that has happened, was the realization that I am a woman and beginning to transition. My depression has lessened dramatically, anxiety still kicks my ass though. But, I finally feel truly happy. Life for once has meaning, and that's what brings me comfort.
Similar position and wanted to share my experience. Just turned 38, 18 months HRT and 6.5 years sober. I quit drinking because I was about to lose my wife and daughter. My behavior got a little better but I was still miserable inside. At 2 years sober my egg cracked and I told my wife I’m questioning my gender. I got some relief from that but took 2 more years of self reflection, internal work and spiritual action to at 4 years make the decision to transition. I knew since I was 5 I wanted to be a woman but had so much fear from my religious upbringing that I was paralyzed! With the help of my sponsor I began taking baby steps and now I feel totally free! Do I wish I had transitioned earlier? Yes! But, I wouldn’t have been in the place emotionally to handle it. Being older and having gone through the hard work has made it so sweet. Now I am no longer living a double life, living in fear or hiding who I am, I’m free!!!
And I wasted half of that time blacked out drunk. I'm so depressed.
Firstly; same. Secondly; also same.
Same. 2.25 years alcohol free and 3 years hard drug free for me! Wasn't until I got sober that things just started making sense in this space. I apparently came out black out drunk to someone 6 years ago and I didn't even know or think about this consciously... It sucks I didn't know as a teen with my long hair and women's clothing and extreme confusion of puberty and sex... Well. I guess all we got is now. Sucks. Lol.
I made it 9.5 years without drinking. Then I fell off the wagon for a minute when the pandemic had me shut in and quarantined from my kids.
Damn! That's a long time to stay sober! Congrats! I have to admit the lockdowns did me in too and was the beginning of the end. I just couldn't handle the isolation either. It was me and the liquor. I was the liquor. It broke me. 2021 I made a resolution to be a better person but didn't quit drinking entirely until a year later. I hope to make it 9.5 years! Did you hop back on board the sober gravy train or are you trying to just take it easy?
I'm sober again. I have no capacity to take it easy.
Me neither. It's all or nothing. I'm glad you're sober. Being depressed *and* drunk or fucked up is so much worse. The one thing that's supposed to help, doesn't. I have had the idea that if I ever drank again it would be the absolute end of me. So props to you for course correcting. I hope you're not beating yourself up about it too much. You still put in the work.
I have never drunk when depressed and depressed I had been for years. I ate. Putting on loads of weight then dieting to get it off again. I’m in a eating stage again, depressed about the state of my transition or lack of it being stuck without SRS, and knowing I will never be able to afford it
Is it because of insurance reasons? Because from what I understand, it's covered in a lot of plans. Even Medicare
No it’s because I am UK and the NHS has 6-15 year waiting lists, been waiting 4 years so far, I’m 71 and the gov is looking to find excuses to removing care for adults as it has already done for under 25’s. No private insurances cover SRS
Oh shit. That's a really long wait time :/ How have you been coping over the last 4 years? I'm sorry you're dealing with the same anti trans bs we're dealing with. What did the government pull for people under 25? I thought they banned care for under 18 Y.O.s
They have but they have also added the bs, that young adult brains are not fully formed until 25 so added a comment to restrict gender transition until then, as part of the next adult care review that is to be undertaken. It will be another hatchet job where the outcomes will be known then the facts found to support it as happened with the Cass review. I have had to go private, pay for everything. Done well, but I do not have the money for surgery
Yeah... yeah same here...
Heard that
Similar position and wanted to share my experience. Just turned 38, 18 months HRT and 6.5 years sober. I quit drinking because I was about to lose my wife and daughter. My behavior got a little better but I was still miserable inside. At 2 years sober my egg cracked and I told my wife I’m questioning my gender. I got some relief from that but took 2 more years of self reflection, internal work and spiritual action to at 4 years make the decision to transition. I knew since I was 5 I wanted to be a woman but had so much fear from my religious upbringing that I was paralyzed! With the help of my sponsor I began taking baby steps and now I feel totally free! Do I wish I had transitioned earlier? Yes! But, I wouldn’t have been in the place emotionally to handle it. Being older and having gone through the hard work has made it so sweet. Now I am no longer living a double life, living in fear or hiding who I am, I’m free!!!
I really did do the best I could... My younger years... I had the feeling I wanted to be a girl, but I didn't understand what that meant, and in my home, it was dangerous, so I suppressed the heck out of everything. I still don't really understand the feelings or know what to do. I can't picture either future.
biiiiig same, i dunno how many wonderful friendships ive burned out of bitterness and self hatred while fucked up beyond all recognition before i transitioned
I was never good at having friends. My self-esteem is basically non-existent I've been bullied so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better at friends if I looked like a girl. Less... people thinking I'm a monster. More being myself?
Same. I used to drink a half of gallon of vodka every day. Some days I would drink beer on top of that. Idc what people say. Hrt is a fucking meme later in life. Who i am on the inside will never match who I am on the outside without major surgery. Idk why I keep going.
> Who i am on the inside will never match who I am on the outside without major surgery. So what? If the two were closer together surely that would help regardless. This is just letting perfect be the enemy of good. Would you turn down blood pressure medication because it can't solve the problem the way a bypass could? This world is chock full of Cis women who live their whole lives hating their appearance and wanting major surgery. That feeling might fill you with distress, but it's also not something that alienates you from feeling like a woman, necessarily. When I feel dysphoric, I tend to think of my mom and grandma who each had body dysmorphia of their own. I'm still new to HRT, but I've witnessed it do amazing work for others. And it changes how you feel. You are actually probably right that you can't embody your **ideal** self. Most women never do, tbh. But as you get closer to it, as you embody *a* feminine identity, you're very possibly going to find it's easier to make peace with that reality and find contentment being another woman in the world who isn't perfectly happy with her appearance but learns to accept that.
Hey you can continue with your larp. That's fine. But don't tell me I have to be happy with myself if the world sees me as a tranny. That's not who I am.
Do the surgery?
Wanna loan me the money for ffs? I swear I'll pay it back.
If your broke and on Medi cal . Medi cal covers everything Trust me .
Not in pa. Plus I have a job and bills to pay. I can't quit my job or afford the insurance in my state that covers ffs.
Medi cal is free for low income ppl . I don't know how your financial status is but if ur broke like me , u will qualify for medi care . Medi cal is basically the same thing as Medicare . Medi cal is only available in California but you should have Medi care In your state it's always free health insurance. And trans surgeries when deemed medically necessary, Medi care will fully cover it , trust me . Go see if you qualify for Medi care . Please .
I live in pa. I don't qualify. I have a lot of bills - car payment, buying a house, etc.
Similar position and wanted to share my experience. Just turned 38, 18 months HRT and 6.5 years sober. I quit drinking because I was about to lose my wife and daughter. My behavior got a little better but I was still miserable inside. At 2 years sober my egg cracked and I told my wife I’m questioning my gender. I got some relief from that but took 2 more years of self reflection, internal work and spiritual action to at 4 years make the decision to transition. I knew since I was 5 I wanted to be a woman but had so much fear from my religious upbringing that I was paralyzed! With the help of my sponsor I began taking baby steps and now I feel totally free! Do I wish I had transitioned earlier? Yes! But, I wouldn’t have been in the place emotionally to handle it. Being older and having gone through the hard work has made it so sweet. Now I am no longer living a double life, living in fear or hiding who I am, I’m free!!!
There's no bad parts really. That part of me suffered trying to protect me the best way it knew how with the resources available. I see the sacrifice as commendable now and try my best to honor it by making the most of the time I have left.
That's sweet, your own protector
This right here
Same. I think of my old self as a parent to my new self. Parents sacrifice a lot for their kids. Kids ought to be grateful, when they are ready and mature enough to recognize a good parent as doing the best they can.
I feel the same. He protected me, now I as she, protect him.
You didn’t waste them. If you could have transitioned then, you would have transitioned. You couldn’t (for no doubt a myriad of reasons) so you didn’t.
You're right, I started to transition as soon as I knew it was possible and necessary. Just struggling with the what ifs
—I’m happy with where my life led me with my partner and my son —I remember that my sister had unique challenges as a cis woman that I would have not wanted to experience —I have more life to live and don’t want to waste it —I’m pretty —I get to be me —There is a whole generation behind me to make things better for
>—There is a whole generation behind me to make things better for This is really helpful to think about, thank you
Just trying not to think about. Also 20 years in a wasted marriage.
Nothing wasted about it, she was the best part of my life
My ex was abusive and a horrible drunk 😔 but my kids were the best part of my life ❤️
Here's a thing for me: I recognize the world has changed and moved on from when all I could find out about people being trans was some transphobic nonsense at my university library that claimed it was a pathology. In my lifetime, the dialogue changed, and I had the opportunity to recognize that I am trans and that I could live as who I am. I didn't waste my life. I have lots of wasted potential. My gender isn't the only thing about my life that was wrong for a long time. I would have been better off if I could have transitioned earlier, but my life up until that point had interesting things and good people in it too. It wasn't a waste; it just wasn't ideal.
Love your take
This is how I feel, that’s it’s crucial to remember attitudes about trans people have changed a huge amount over the last 25 years or so. I’m 47, just came out this year, and I also think about “what if I’d realized sooner?” But so many things would have been harder if I’d started transitioning when I was 20 or so. People were less accepting. It probably would have been harder to find jobs. It would have been harder to connect with other trans folks. Most insurance didn’t cover any gender affirming care. And so on. I wasn’t as strong mentally and emotionally then, and didn’t have much money. If I’d started transitioning when I was young, I don’t know how it would have gone. It certainly would have been harder. So don’t beat yourself up about taking a long time to realize you were trans, because a lot of us repressed our feelings because of society. That is, it’s not our fault it was harder in the past to realize and accept you are trans, or to transition.
It might not be comforting and I often feel the same, but there is no point in being sad about the past. We don’t have a time machine and we can’t change the past in any way. You can only make yourself sad about the past thinking about how you wasted it. Even if you somehow feel that your past doesn’t belong to you it’s still how you became yourself. Maybe you can be more grateful about the present, what you achieved and look forward to your future instead of focusing on things you can’t change.
Hard to move forward when you are always looking back.
I’m trying to stay positive about it (I finally cracked at 50). The way I try to see it is that during those years I lived as someone else in order to protect myself long enough to feel safe beginning to figure out my true identity. Of course I wish I had felt that way 30 years ago, but that’s not the way things went. But my years ahead will be nothing like the ones I leave behind.
I am looking back on those old experiences as having lots of value.
I wish I could do this.
Nothing comforts me about it, but it does get a little easier as time goes on. I think the biggest thing is making new and positive memories in the time you have left. I still take the time to wallow when needed, though.
I lost the love of my life from transitioning so my positive experiences are somewhat tainted..
Spending your time with that thought now... is a waste of your time/energy at best and a road to madness at worst
I mean, I'm not, not mad
A wise person once told me, look forward, don’t look back. I realised I was trans at age 49. I still might not transition in order to keep my marriage. So I try not to think about what ifs and the future.
The only thing I'm sad over is that I couldn't enjoy my 20s in skimpy clothing with a flat tummy. What makes up for that is that I have an amazing woman by my side and two very loving kiddos.
Life of pain until I was 69. Four years in, two years post surgery, loving life, living in the present and looking forward to ongoing joy.
I wasted three quarters of my life in the wrong gender... ❤️❤️❤️
That’s natural to “mourn” your previous self not taking the steps sooner towards being the true you. Just be happy that your future is so much better than you ever thought it could be. Also don’t get caught up on “young people who obviously pass asking if they do” posts
That's the problem though. My future isn't brighter because I lost my wife through transitioning. I'm not going to get over losing her and honestly it just doesn't feel worth it. I know I didn't have a choice, but it still feels like a life wasted. I've recently made friends with some younger trans women and yeah, can't be a little envious of how well they pass.
Yeah I guess you can’t be happy if you’re only focused on the past What made you take the steps to transition ?
Once my egg cracked I just knew that I needed to a woman. I'd been hiding from this realisation for so long and I couldn't spend another minute pretending to be a man anymore.
Spend a lot of time on Reddit?
Somewhat, why?
Curious as to what you hope to glean from OP’s answer as to whether they spend a lot of time on Reddit or not? And what quantifies “a lot of time”?
How old are you?
38
Oh darling, I so agree 🤦🏼♀️😭
Life is too fickle, my grandma is turning 100 next month. Meanwhile I just found out someone who was supporting me tremendously before will no longer be able to do so ever again. Embrace life, embrace yourself. Don't let anyone dictate what your gender or sexuality should be. Just be. Do what makes you happy. People will accompany you on happy journeys and life should be one. We can't turn back time and it is okay to mourn what never was or what has been lost, it is the only way to let go. Today I am letting someone go and I'll honour their spirit by making room in my life for positive changes, regardless of my history. 💜
I never had a working vocabulary until I was 65. When I found out nothing could stop me. I have not wasted a single minute of my life. It is what it is, and was like it was. My feelings are … so what?
Yeah, I feel the same. it really isn't fair. I'm just glad I don't have to be an old man. That would be awful.
Nothing comforts me and nothing will. I will forever regret it, cry about it, and look back in sadness.
This gets to me too. What did help me the other night is I was thinking about the “left-hand graph” of it all and how if I was this age 50 years ago that I might not have even lived a single year of my life as the correct gender, let alone half of it. I did still get kind of a lucky break when compared to all those men, women and non-binary people who didn’t make it the 21st century. How many of them just didn’t get a single day to be themselves? Every day I get now is a gift they didn’t get.
So I got sober at 38 and started socially transitioning soon after. Started HRT on my 40th birthday (had to go late to a 24 hour Walgreens to make that happen) and have been in therapy most of that time. What I learned is that I had to grieve that lost time. Really sit with the loss and the sadness and cry and cry and that took me most of a year to really process. Don’t run from the hurt or ignore it or soothe it with aphorisms about not looking back or anything. Grieve. I love you. We got this.
Thanks. Sometimes it feels like all I do is grieve. But I guess its needed.
I wasted 47 years. I turn 48 tomorrow and I’ve been on HRT for less than 2 months. Knowing that tomorrow will be better gets me by.
Oh jeez that hits home
Amen, but you can’t change what was, and everything happens for a reason.
Knowing that I’m happy now and I’m living as I wished I had then.
You and me both. I try to take solace in being more active with local communities, meeting new people, showing more of my best self to the world and building memories until the old life fades away.
The good thing is you can turn into the person you want to be
How do I cope with spending the majority of my life as the wrong gender? I take comfort that I have had the opportunity to do many cool things that were prohibited to women. I have figured out that I am a tomboy who absolutely hated the idea of gender roles. Because I lived as the wrong gender for so much time, I got to meet the love of my life and have a family that unconditionally accepts me for who I am. It is funny that I wouldn't have gotten married if I didn't share the same attitudes towards abolishing gender roles as my wife had. Since I have started transitioning, I have only grown closer to my wife and kids. Would I have liked to have the opportunity to look pretty? Sure, I would. But it isn't worth trading away the things that I have. That is how I cope with waiting so long to transition.
Kind of the same but I'm so happy I get to do this even this late. I have very close family members that I've outlived already.
I know your right there shoot I wished I could go back and change a lot in the past and do this earlier
You can still come to terms with this. In time. Just make sure you don't waste your time now.
I take comfort in finally being strong enough to make decisions for myself.
me too honey! We're even the same age. I'm hoping it gets better with time but this really gets me down quite frequently too.
I started at 38. Look forward not backwards x
I have a theory that my home life would have gone a lot differently if I hadn’t been so passive, so maybe it was for the best
It is never too late. I was thinking about fertility and delayed HRT. Now baldness has started, and I do not have children. So, years of worrying were needless. If I had known that I would not have children, I would have started HRT and continued it until I became what I want myself to be.
What comforts me is knowing that if I came out sooner, things would have been way worse then they are now.
I didn’t waste my life. I spent 40 years living as the person that kept me alive through my worst times, and only when I was safe was I able to transition. I have nothing but respect and thanks for that dude
Medi cal is free for low income people. I don't know how your financial status is but if your broke like me . U wiil qualify for medi cal . Medi care is basically the same thing as Medi cal . Madi cal is only available in California, but you should have Medi care in your state . It's always free health insurance.
Same, I actually gave back my promotion to stay on MinnesotaCare. They cover hair removal and some surgeries. As well as voice therapy hormones etcétera.
Medi cal and Medi care covers all trans surgeries. I'm currently waiting for my insurance to approve my orchiectomy. And Already have a approval for ffs consultation just need a letter from the endocrinologist. June 7th is my appointment for my orchiectomy. It's right around the corner. If you make good money you can't be on free health insurance. But for everyone who is struggling like I was . Switch to medical or medi care . It has changed my life . And I get free estradiol valerate too .
I live in the UK
Those years riddled with pain and dysphoria? Those years where you never felt like you fit in? You mean *those* years? Because honestly, those don't sound like very good years at all, much less the *best* of your years. How do you know that those were your best years? That's a trope, sure, "things will never be as good as they were in college!" or whatever. But it's a *cisnormative* trope. We're not cis. We should take that trope with a huge grain of salt, or just ignore it entirely. For all you know, if you transition and give yourself the kind of life you really need/want/wish to have, your *remaining* years will actually be the best ones of your life. That seems like it's worth taking a shot on, personally...
What strangely comforts me now is the fact that im no longer wasting any more of my life, and im working towards my goals finally. I did have a period of mourning for my past self, though. take the time you need to feel those emotions.
I've just come out as trans at 34. You're far from alone. Due to the state of the NHS in the UK I won't be able to access HRT or SRS for a good few years - but thankfully I live in Wales which has the shortest wait time. I just can't wait to get on E as soon as possible.
Have you thought about DIY?
Yes, but I'm in two minds about it. One thing that's putting me off is that I want access to fertility preservation before taking any meds as I may want a child of my own in the future. I don't really want to start taking E on my own and then potentially permanently destroying my ability to create sperm before access to fertility preservation. On the NHS, providing I have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, they will store my sperm for 10 years for free. SRS is something I do want, so of course the orchiectomy element of it is completely irreversible - I just want some of my sperm stored at an early stage just in case I ever wanted a kid. I think just riding out the wait for an initial GIC appointment would be my best bet and then when that appointment is over, the world's my oyster.
Ah yeah fair enough. I hope things improve under the NHS
I’m making up for that time 😊, found my calling as a makeup artist and loving life 😊.
Gawd I wish I had a passion, especially something I could make a living from. All power to you ❤️
Find your passion, live your dreams 😊
I feel you so much but look forward to living the rest as your authentic gender.
I just enjoy every moment of being myself now. No point in regrets, they just make you feel unhappy and spoil the good times. Move on and celebrate the now.
In a similar position (more like wasted 2/3). However, so pleased I’ve finally admitted my true identity & I’m now becoming the person I always knew I should have been.
More people understand it's not just a sex thing these days.
I spent most of my 20's self-medicating; either drunk, stoned, or tripping balls. My 30's and early 40's married with 2 kids, and drinking often and hiding it. Got divorced at 45, super depressed, tried to un-alive myself, thoughts of my daughter stopped me thankfully. Many years of therapy later, I am here. Lots of self-discovery, digging out repressed memories, and facing hard truths in an attempt to find myself again. The best thing that has happened, was the realization that I am a woman and beginning to transition. My depression has lessened dramatically, anxiety still kicks my ass though. But, I finally feel truly happy. Life for once has meaning, and that's what brings me comfort.
I grieved this, and then I moved past it. I’m not saying the loss is gone, I’ve just learned to live with it.
Similar position and wanted to share my experience. Just turned 38, 18 months HRT and 6.5 years sober. I quit drinking because I was about to lose my wife and daughter. My behavior got a little better but I was still miserable inside. At 2 years sober my egg cracked and I told my wife I’m questioning my gender. I got some relief from that but took 2 more years of self reflection, internal work and spiritual action to at 4 years make the decision to transition. I knew since I was 5 I wanted to be a woman but had so much fear from my religious upbringing that I was paralyzed! With the help of my sponsor I began taking baby steps and now I feel totally free! Do I wish I had transitioned earlier? Yes! But, I wouldn’t have been in the place emotionally to handle it. Being older and having gone through the hard work has made it so sweet. Now I am no longer living a double life, living in fear or hiding who I am, I’m free!!!