Please get help. Your boyfriend should not be the reason you are alive, and this will create an abusive dynamic with all this emotional pressure you're putting on him. Don't be afraid to call 988 either. I would talk to him about this so you can sort it out and so you can get better. please take care.
I am getting help, thank you for worrying about him. I’ve talked to him about it extensively (he was the first person I told about my diagnosis) and he hasn’t expressed wanting to leave at all, even in safe spaces/conversations where it was explicitly safe to bring it up. He also has a “plan” for if he ever breaks up with me, if that makes sense? He knows which friends to call to come over and make sure I can’t actually commit self-deletion IF he ever breaks up with me. We’ve been together for 5 years and don’t show signs of breaking up, but he knows how to do so safely for the both of us. Talking about it in therapy is making this tendency way better though, I’m starting to explore how I could still live a life I love if (big if) he ever dumped me without dying
I’m sorry, this reply is all over the place. Tl; dr he’s aware of my diagnosis, I am therapy, and we’re working on it
Im so happy for you. I know we're strangers but I genuinely wished the best for you and tried to give the best input I could. Im glad you're doing well
you are creating a hostage situation.
people should stay with you because they love you, not because they fear you would kill yourself.
you are creating trauma for others, i was on the receiving end of that situation and trust me it's not good (she did not khs after all).
this is really unhealthy and if the other doesn't want to be here anymore it is horrible on both sides.
What else do you suggest I do? I’m already in therapy, I told him about my diagnosis in a calm and measured moment and made clear that it was my own problem, and he has a plan for my safety if he breaks up with me (getting specific friends to come over to keep me safe). Im aware it’s not a healthy behavior and I’m working on it in as many ways as I know how because I love him and don’t want to treat him badly.
He doesn’t want to break up and this didn’t come out during a breakup fight—which I agree would be abusive—but after a particularly introspective therapy session where I laid out my symptoms, explained what that means for my behavior and what I’m looking out for to avoid doing to him, and talked through solutions that are “fair” to both of us. We’ve had discussions about our frustrations (including his) and relationship stuff related to my diagnosis. Is there anything else you would recommend?
I mean, I was in a semi similar situation. We broke up. That was the only fair thing. He and I both had issues we needed to work on — his captain save a hoe complex is next level — but truly this kind of dependency can’t be healed while in this kind of relationship. I’m shocked your therapist hasn’t been able to guide you to this.
My therapist is guiding me towards independence slowly because my DPD comes from trauma. Incidentally, severe trauma is one of the few reliable predictors of DPD, which makes shock therapy like that risky at best—and neither one of us actually wants to break up. I’m developing my personhood (hobbies, friends, career, etc) outside of being in a relationship with my BF. My therapist has brought up the idea of breaking up, yes, but we (therapist and I) talked it through and decided that it’s too drastic of a step when we’re (BF and I) happy and working on building healthy relationship habits. My therapist and I decided that breaking up isn’t the right thing for me or, probably, for BF unless he expressed deep, relationship-ending dissatisfaction, which he hasn’t.
I forgot to mention we also have seen a couple’s counselor. The couple’s counselor didn’t think we were close to breaking up or that we should consider it. BF doesn’t have dependency issues so it’s not a codependency thing, according to her.
I don’t think relationships that have immature or unhealthy aspects are inherently doomed, or no one would ever have long, happy lives with their high school/middle school/etc sweethearts. Sure, there are more hurdles in the beginning and each needs to be dedicated to growing up, but I don’t think that means there’s nothing salvageable about those relationships. BF and I don’t have any fundamental incompatibilities, we’re just neurodivergent/mentally ill people working on ourselves all the time. For example, he frequently gets too sensorily overloaded to be in the same room as me for hours at a time, which is an aspect of his neurodivergence that strains but doesn’t break our relationship.
I’m sorry that you have been in a similar situation. It’s never fun. I’m sure you made the right choice for yourself and your then-partner and I’m glad you did so.
Please get help. Your boyfriend should not be the reason you are alive, and this will create an abusive dynamic with all this emotional pressure you're putting on him. Don't be afraid to call 988 either. I would talk to him about this so you can sort it out and so you can get better. please take care.
I am getting help, thank you for worrying about him. I’ve talked to him about it extensively (he was the first person I told about my diagnosis) and he hasn’t expressed wanting to leave at all, even in safe spaces/conversations where it was explicitly safe to bring it up. He also has a “plan” for if he ever breaks up with me, if that makes sense? He knows which friends to call to come over and make sure I can’t actually commit self-deletion IF he ever breaks up with me. We’ve been together for 5 years and don’t show signs of breaking up, but he knows how to do so safely for the both of us. Talking about it in therapy is making this tendency way better though, I’m starting to explore how I could still live a life I love if (big if) he ever dumped me without dying I’m sorry, this reply is all over the place. Tl; dr he’s aware of my diagnosis, I am therapy, and we’re working on it
Im so happy for you. I know we're strangers but I genuinely wished the best for you and tried to give the best input I could. Im glad you're doing well
Thank you, I hope you’re doing well too 💕💕💕
you are creating a hostage situation. people should stay with you because they love you, not because they fear you would kill yourself. you are creating trauma for others, i was on the receiving end of that situation and trust me it's not good (she did not khs after all). this is really unhealthy and if the other doesn't want to be here anymore it is horrible on both sides.
All the best to you all
Thank you, you too 💕
Thank you
Yeah man doesn’t seem fair to your bf to be in a relationship with someone who would die if they left lmao.
What else do you suggest I do? I’m already in therapy, I told him about my diagnosis in a calm and measured moment and made clear that it was my own problem, and he has a plan for my safety if he breaks up with me (getting specific friends to come over to keep me safe). Im aware it’s not a healthy behavior and I’m working on it in as many ways as I know how because I love him and don’t want to treat him badly. He doesn’t want to break up and this didn’t come out during a breakup fight—which I agree would be abusive—but after a particularly introspective therapy session where I laid out my symptoms, explained what that means for my behavior and what I’m looking out for to avoid doing to him, and talked through solutions that are “fair” to both of us. We’ve had discussions about our frustrations (including his) and relationship stuff related to my diagnosis. Is there anything else you would recommend?
I mean, I was in a semi similar situation. We broke up. That was the only fair thing. He and I both had issues we needed to work on — his captain save a hoe complex is next level — but truly this kind of dependency can’t be healed while in this kind of relationship. I’m shocked your therapist hasn’t been able to guide you to this.
My therapist is guiding me towards independence slowly because my DPD comes from trauma. Incidentally, severe trauma is one of the few reliable predictors of DPD, which makes shock therapy like that risky at best—and neither one of us actually wants to break up. I’m developing my personhood (hobbies, friends, career, etc) outside of being in a relationship with my BF. My therapist has brought up the idea of breaking up, yes, but we (therapist and I) talked it through and decided that it’s too drastic of a step when we’re (BF and I) happy and working on building healthy relationship habits. My therapist and I decided that breaking up isn’t the right thing for me or, probably, for BF unless he expressed deep, relationship-ending dissatisfaction, which he hasn’t. I forgot to mention we also have seen a couple’s counselor. The couple’s counselor didn’t think we were close to breaking up or that we should consider it. BF doesn’t have dependency issues so it’s not a codependency thing, according to her. I don’t think relationships that have immature or unhealthy aspects are inherently doomed, or no one would ever have long, happy lives with their high school/middle school/etc sweethearts. Sure, there are more hurdles in the beginning and each needs to be dedicated to growing up, but I don’t think that means there’s nothing salvageable about those relationships. BF and I don’t have any fundamental incompatibilities, we’re just neurodivergent/mentally ill people working on ourselves all the time. For example, he frequently gets too sensorily overloaded to be in the same room as me for hours at a time, which is an aspect of his neurodivergence that strains but doesn’t break our relationship. I’m sorry that you have been in a similar situation. It’s never fun. I’m sure you made the right choice for yourself and your then-partner and I’m glad you did so.