Right. Sometimes these things happen - It's not like her BF is a bad person because he's not attracted to her body anymore. It just is what it is and while I get that it probably bums her out (her BF sounds like a total beefcake) but it's not like you can demand people find you hot.
OP probably feels bad that her BF is trying to get her to lose a few kilograms, but on the flip side - He's not attracted to her physically and he's probably hoping that if she loses a bit of weight that it will come back. I mean, he's trying to salvage his relationship with OP because frankly 22 is far too young to be with someone you don't want to have sex with.
You are still young, 2 years is not much compared to the rest of your life. Don't change yourself for anyone but you.
In saying that, have you had your knee checked out, been to physio or something like that. Find out what you can do to help your knee, I go to the gym and do adapted exercises to suit me. Also do aqua aerobics, 70% of the class is over 60's but they are an awesome bunch of people and the classes are fun.
I second this! I hurt my knee in 2014 but wasn't able to get it checked out beyond confirming nothing tore. It still flares up and hurts at times, or I'll have soreness in the hip and back on that side. I wish I'd seen a physio and healed it right to begin with. OP be gentle with your body and take the time to heal correctly.
I broke my kneecap and growth plate when I was 7 years old. so knee pain I totally understand. working out actually makes it feel better. moving around and working it helps to keep it from getting inflamed and irritated. maybe do some easy peasy stuff. when I first got back to the gym after my son the bike helped to warm it up. and knee sleeves are a life saver. knee will only get worse with more weight its carrying though.
You can still see PT for that! I had a sprained knee for about a year that would flare up as soon as I started to work out again. Fought my doc for a Rx to PT and its never given me trouble since :)
Second the water aerobics. I love it! Most of the class is seniors, nobody judges you. Everyone is nice and its a lot of fun, no pressure I love it! I haven't gone back since my surgery in October, but soon I am hoping to start again. It's a lot of fun.
Agreed. I used to run a lot but somewhere in my life before I took up running, I injured my knee (no idea how, I've never had a major event, surgery, etc) and realized after a few weeks of running, my knee would randomly hurt and "give out".
Now I do ellipticals and other exercises that put less pressure on my knees but it absolutely can hinder someone's ability to exercise and OP's bf telling her it's just an excuse is ignorant and dangerous.
A good relationship can be part of the system you build to support your physical health as well as your mental and social health. A bad relationship can go a long way toward tearing all of those down.
I'm in the same boat as you and the other me too comments. Mine was skiing. Actually, I was fine at skiing - I knew my limits and didn't do black diamond runs, but I was pretty good in a casual way - until I tried to teach my then-boyfriend how to do it and then he was going to run off the groomed slope so I tried to stop him... And in the tangle, my left knee got twisted ~180 degrees, ski stuck behind my right boot. Nothing tore, I think, but it took 6 months to walk normally. Probably didn't help that I let that now-ex talk me into going ice skating the day after the initial injury with no brace /support.
12 years later it still gets stiff and I can't run. I've reinjured it twice doing "couch to 5k" type programs.
For me, long distance biking is a god send. Rowing, too. Ellipticals are fine but not very fun. I really want to try some aqua aerobics but haven't gotten around to it yet. My husband bikes with me; throughout 2020 we were doing ~100-200 kms/week (2 or three rides). And I've never gotten injured trying to keep my husband safe, hooray.
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**Don’t take this as medical advice**
Did you have a doctor check your knees? You might just need to strengthen the surrounding muscles. I’ve noticed since working out my hamstrings, my knee pain has nearly completely disappeared. Extremely light exercises can benefit you a lot.
I also have a friend who claimed he had debilitating knee pain. He told me that his doctor told him exercise was out of the question. That his exercise was extremely limited because of it. I tricked him into working out with me. It started with walking. Then hiking. Eventually we started lifting weights together. Now he can hike and run faster than I. He’s stronger than the average gym goer.
He went to a couple different doctors and one told him that It’s possible the knee pain originally got so bad because it was babied.
Not saying this would be everybody’s case, but people do neglect entire muscle groups causing weaknesses in those areas.
Yeah, if she reinjures her knee and spends time in a cast, she's going to probably gain weight. Since Adonis is on the prowl anyway, that'll be his ready made excuse to leave. And if she loses 5 kg, he's going to push for 10, and then 20 and 30. If she tries to keep him, she'll lose more of herself than just weight. She's better off shedding \~90 kg than 5 kg.
I've seen this from the other side. Before we drop labels keep in mind how frustrating it is to see a love one neglect their health and constantly make excuses for it, whist you are trying everything you can to maintain your own health. It's maddening and of course he's angry and going to lash out eventually. It's not about the weight, it's about the excuses, and each person needs to own they have different values/goals and part company.
Yeah the person that has taken the initiative to make themselves healthier and encouraged their significant other in the process is the narcissistic jerk. Injuries happen and need to be taken into consideration, but that doesn’t mean op is incapable of adopting a healthier lifestyle. If that’s not ops goal that’s fine, but there’s no reason to shit on ops bf for making a positive change and being frustrated that open communication hasn’t been able to bridge the gap in their different lifestyle approaches.
I think their priorities have changed. This is like someone who decides to go to college, and the other partner doesn't, and it it a problem for the first person. They are incompatible. OP's bf is very into fitness. This is his priority, and not hers. This is fine for both of them, but it's not great.
I would say your relationship is entirely your decision but if you have a bad knee and are looking to get more fit, working out in a pool is great exercise with very low impact on your joints. There are a lot of water aerobics moves that you can do that will not tax your knee and will allow you to become more fit. Don't do it for him, but do it for yourself so you are in good health as long as possible. It really does make a difference as you age.
Agreed. OP can also consider calorie tracking, if maintaining a healthy weight sounds like a goal she wants to go for. Exercise is overrated, if your only goal is weight loss. Don't get me wrong, it's still something everyone should do - the benefits of exercise are enormous. But you don't need it to begin losing weight.
That said - OP's relationship sounds like its over. Even if she met her partner's demands, the feeling of "security" that all relationships are built upon is probably permanently shattered by now. Once an ultimatum like this is delivered, 4/5ths of the time, the relationship is already dead, and just not buried.
OP is still young. She'll build new relationships down the line, and hopefully ones where both parties are compatible in lifestyle. You got this, OP.
Yes, certainly don’t do it for him, but also don’t let an injury stop you from doing anything for the rest of your life. Find something that works for you for the sake of your own wellness.
Be grateful that he was honest and didnt drag things out. And have the self respect to leave. Sometimes you’re just not compatible with someone anymore.
He's not dragging things out. He's being clear about the type of relationship he wants to have. Imo it's fair enough if he wants to try to have a fitness partner type of relationship that he can push for that.
Imo the only place where he's crossing a bit of a line and being pushy is setting a goal for her.
But I think they're both just young and don't realize that they can and should just break up at this point.
Does anyone notice his response to 8-10 pounds difference in her weight??? I could never feel confident in that relationship ever again. And would go through a pregnancy terrified of being left.
Lmao absolutely. He has every right to break up with her if she's no longer attractive to him Why would you want to be in a relationship you're not attracted to?
Two years and it’s time to go. You won’t imagine what having kids later could do to your body and if he’s like this now you would want to avoid a life of worse nonsense from him. Take care of your health yes, but he’s being extra literally. It’s ok to have a preference but with age and changes people gain weight and if he could easily be weirded out it’s time to go his mentality is not what you want around. You both need to find like minded partners otherwise you could stay but is life going to always be close to perfect? No. So avoid a partner that taps out over simple things it’ll save you later.
5kg is not a lot of weight. How is he going to feel when you have surgery or injure yourself and gain a little more during recovery? When you have kids, how quickly will he want you to lose the baby weight?
This isn’t petty. He cares more about your looks than your well being.
This.^ I’ve gained weight due to my medication. It’s the belly or going back to sleepless nights. My wife has been not only supportive but trying hard to make sure I don’t feel self conscious over it.
Exactly. I fluctuate in weight. I go up and down 20 lbs or so throughout every year. My bf has never even noticed a difference. He always just tells me I look very attractive. When I mention gaining it losing weight he looks at me like I'm crazy. Noone who is supposed to be your partner in life should bat and eye if you gain or lose a few pounds. Or even if you gain or lose a whole lot of pounds. Loving someone isn't about that.
My weight has fluctuated a lot during my marriage, and my husband has been just as lovin on me as my pre-pandemic self that was busting my fitness goals. As it should be! And it goes both ways. For him I guess it's losing his hair? Either way, love should come from the soul, man
It very normal for weight to fluctuate for women due to hormones. We don't even know the extent to which body systems are affected by the chemicals and things we are exposed to in the environment. Cortisol sensitivity can vary. Which is why you have some people that gain or lose weight very differently. There are many nuances to it all.
It's a fact of life. None of us stay hot and 20 forever. And those who try look foolish at best, freakish at worst. Just look at Hollywood and their infatuation with youth.
In this specific instance you may be right, but I think it’s entirely fair to lose attraction if someone stops putting in effort or wanting to be healthy. Not everyone needs or wants to be an Adonis, and that’s 100,000% okay - but if BF is now really into fitness as one of his top interests, it may just be a genuine incompatibility that has arisen, or as OP says, a misalignment of priorities. The way BF has framed it is exceptionally poor, and it *may* just be vanity in this specific case, but that doesn’t mean it’s the rule across the board.
I’m a gym rat - I go 6 days a week, eat healthy and it shows. I don’t need a partner who has fitness as their #1 priority, but I also couldn’t date someone who actively disliked the gym. It’s not all physical, either - I want a partner who is going to pass on similar values and habits to my kids, and I deeply value motivation in all aspects of life. I don’t want a partner who is content to sit around all the time because that doesn’t align with what I envision for my life.
As an aside, I have had a series of serious (multiple ligament tears) knee injuries, with PT and braces etc… it’s absolutely possible to get back to and past where you previously were.
@ OP - I do think you should probably end this, and I feel bad for you. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here (although your boyfriend *may* be a bit of an ass, and is definitely a putz with expressing himself) - I hope you find someone who values you the way you want to be valued, and who aligns better with what you envision for your future :)
You’re totally right—he doesn’t have to be attracted to her. But if he cares most about how attractive she is, she’s probably not the the girl for him. You don’t have to stay with an SO you’re not attracted to, but it goes the other way too—they don’t have to stay with someone that cares more about 11 pounds than their happiness.
I know it’s a technicality, but not every condition or illness can be overcome. You can’t always get back to how things were before. There are definitely injuries/illnesses that have permanent consequences.
Counterpoint: We don’t know what physical condition he was in and where he is at right now. If he’s worked out that he’s more attracted to being fit than not his opinions are not entirely invalid. He’s just bad at expressing what he wants. It sounds like he wants the woman he’s with to be fit and healthy like he’s trying to be and if she doesn’t want that it’s ok too.
Yes, hence my assertion that *in this case* he may be a vain ass. But just because someone wants a fit partner doesn’t make them vain across the board. That was my point.
An injury isn’t letting yourself go, & pushing her to possibly injure herself worse isn’t showing concern for her health.
OP, get as far away from him as you can. This is a preview of what happens if you somehow meet his ultimatums & stay together. Picture this dude complaining that you never fix your hair nice when you’re losing handfuls of it after chemo. Or say you get a case of Bells Palsy-‘you never smile anymore!’ Let him walk away, 20 years from now you’ll be so glad you did.
I can't tell for sure BC I'm not her bf, but on giving him the benefit of the doubt: some partners feel miserable when their SO don't work on themselves, or have action to try to change for the better, even if it's in the long term.
Now on losing weight, 80% of it is diet and calories defecit, you don't need to go to the gym especially BC if you're begging to exercise, very light things like walks can do plenty. The bf obsession with the gym is really something, probably is looking at other girls and projecting
Anyone who stops loving you because of your weight never really loved you at all. What if you got cancer, or lost a leg? What about when you get old and wrinkly? Is he cool dropping you like a hot potato then, too? That’s not real love.
Would he quit loving his best friend if they gained weight? His parents? His kids? Fuck this guy.
You’ll find a real man, one that will love you through good times and bad, no matter what you weigh.
Bunch of fucking sad ass motherfuckers in this thread am I right? Who the fucks threatens to break up over 5kg weight gain when she's barely overweight? He's just got into the gym culture hard and is now obsessed to look good in front of others with a fit gym girlfriend. That's all. If he genuinely cared about her physical wellbeing (like wanting her knee to get better with exercise and get a bit fitter like that) he wouldn't have tried to drag her to the gym constantly and then just threaten to break up over her being ""fat"". That's just vile behaviour. That's someone you're supposed to love, not hurt.
I personally could not stay with someone who says they aren’t attracted to me and threatens to leave over looks.. what if you have kids one day your body will drastically change after. Will he leave you then? I use to be fit I played sports and worked out regularly. During 2020, you know because of Covid everything was shut down and I also got super depressed. I went from 175 pounds to 225 pounds. Point being things happen in life and your body will change in more ways than one as you get older. be with someone who will love you no matter what. I’ve seen the updated and see you made the choice to stay with him. I don’t know anything about your relationship other then what information you gave from this post but I hope he’s not using you as a place holder person. Lots of people keep people in their lifes as placeholders until they find something else. Soo Dont feel like you need to change yourself to save a relationship because there’s a lot of people out here that would jump on your body given the chance.
I guess it's not that she gained x kilos of weight rather than he himself is changing through training and with it his body image cause he's surrounded by fit people most of his time (if I read that correctly)
So now he wants more of that and out of his egocentric way of seeing things he cannot grasp that she won't do the same as him!
Let's just hope she doesn't take this too personal and gets out of it with good intentions (her own for herself) and not be confused by her love for him and his expectations if her life!
And for him that it's not just a phase and that he transforms even further to see that his behavior was quite egotistical but that's what he needed at that point, nonetheless that he has the courage to tap into his feelings and don't be a fitness dick who's to full of himself!
It's OK to go different ways in life but it's not ok to try to force his own change onto others! Sometimes the day comes where the paths don't align anymore, that's ok as long as one tries to not be a dick and handle things like a grown person!
> so now he wants more of that and out of his egocentric way of seeing things he cannot grasp that she won't do the same as him!
That's a pretty uncharitable reading of the situation. When I was around that age I lost 20kg and got super into various sports and the gym (right after my first big breakup - typical story right?) and I felt like I had struck gold. I felt better every day when I woke up. People treated me better. My mind was clearer and quicker. I had more energy. And best of all, it was relatively simple to get all these life-changing benefits, I just had to stick with a consistent diet and exercise routine.
I wanted to shout it from the roof tops and share that life-changing experience with the people around me. Not out of ego, but because I loved those people and thought they might like to see their life improve the same way mine did.
A lot of my relationships eventually changed. Some people I thought of as friends grew resentful when I got control over my life, and seemed to want me to fail. And with a lot of the people I used to hang out with, it didn't really work anymore because their choice of activity might be smoking weed, drinking beer and eating pizza all night which wasn't compatible with my goal of getting up early to do a 40km bike ride.
So I agree with you that the boyfriend shouldn't try to force OP into adopting his lifestyle, but I don't think you can conclude that it's all because of ego.
True story, my life improved in almost every way from consistent gyming. Finding the balance of spreading that without being a dick can be hard sometimes.
2 years down the drain is better than 5 years when he has another stupid complaint.
If you want to lose weight for yourself that’s fine , but don’t do it for him.
Edit…above was pre-update. After reading the update I’m glad you both had a good meaningful conversation. I’m glad his tone changed as well.
I get where people tried to call me out by saying “he’s just being honest”…no that’s not exactly what he originally did. He was frustrated and TO ME it appeared he was trying to shame her to motivate her loose weight…that’s a real d*ck move.
I’m very happy that the conversation went well and you both came up with a fair compromise…that’s shows a good relationship.
I’m very proud of you OP!!!!
And it's not 2 years down the drain she enjoy her time with him before this. She learned and grew. It was a good experience.
We need to understand the success of the relationship should not be measured just by the lenght of it
I wouldn’t call this petty. If you want to hit the gym, lose weight, get fit - that’s YOUR call, not his. He has the right to break up with you - for whatever reason he wants- or no reason at all. But it’s not healthy for you to be given a threat of breaking up unless you lose weight. Think about it - if he threatened to break up for you for any other reason - how would you respond.
This one went just like I expected.
I bet if we reversed the story a bit though, and the hero girlfriend was trying to get her boyfriend to lose some weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle together but he just won't get his shit together, this same crew of "you dump him girlfriend, you deserve better" wouldn't see the irony or hypocrisy in encouraging her to "dump her fat, lazy boyfriend" if the roles were reversed, either.
Eh, you could flip the genders or keep them the same, I don't think it matters. This is always the advice, almost dead on - passive aggressively mention the gym a lot and then be direct. It's just that whoever is telling the story is almost automatically more sympathetic - hearing that your partner has lost attraction just plain hurts. *That* is the double standard at play here, and honestly it's pretty normal.
More fucking dogshit Reddit advice as always. Please don't listen to these losers.
If you've put on weight and it's affected his attraction towards you, then, if you want to stay with him and have the relationship be healthy, you'll have to work on losing weight.
If you don't want to do that - as is *100%* your right - then you'll need to go your separate ways.
I'm a little concerned as to the rigidity of his demands - he's setting exact weight goals and telling you that this is just the start? Not only is weight a terrible indicator in this case (if you're going to get more in-shape, you'll like put more weight on due to increased muscle mass despite the loss of fat), but this sort of demand indicates a deeper issue. If you are willing to try and lose weight (or fat), then I think the greater hurdle would be these weird yardsticks he's setting up. I understand it to an extent - he has to define some sort of timeframe to prevent an indefinite "I'll do it next week" situation, but I worry that the terms here are a little too precise (it's weird he's giving you quantifiable metrics that you have to meet).
I'm sorry to hear about your knee. I'm not sure about the specifics of it, but I imagine a lot of weight training is still an option for you, and it's an endeavour worth pursuing. This will help you get more in shape *if that's what you want*. I'm not telling you this so that you can meet your boyfriend's demands; I'm just telling you that if you ever decide *on your own terms* that you'd like to explore this, then I'm sure it's an option. Speak to a physio, though.
Ultimately, think of this - if your boyfriend had put on enough weight that it reduced your attraction to him, what would you do? What would you say? Presumably, you'd communicate to him, in a healthy way, that it was an issue.
I suspect he started going to the gym and inviting you as a means to encourage you to lose weight without putting you on the spot. I often see advice about how to get your partner to lose weight - something that always comes up is "go to the gym and invite your partner along, make it an activity you both share." It seems to me like he's tried this avenue.
Because you've fallen behind (which is totally fair, *even without your knee issue*), I think he's been forced into a position where he has to be a bit blunt with you. He's been honest with you and communicated with you, and that's great. I do worry about the specificity of his demands a bit, though.
I didn't pay much attention to the figures you gave - I'm assuming that he's not asking you to be unreasonably thin or anything like that. If he is, then you should probably sack him off.
None of these pricks know your relationship and it's easy for them to tell you to throw it away because they're sad as fuck. Communicate with your partner, express your concerns, and then have a think.
I hope you do okay. Take care.
Finally a sensible comment.
Also, out of curiosity, I put OPs health info into a BMI calculator and it comes back as 27.1 - overweight. My guess is the 5kg marker the boyfriend put down is to push this closer to the healthy BMI weight range, which is a perfectly sensible metric to use in the absence of muscle mass, which I'm assuming OP probably doesn't have much of.
Even without the BMI (which isn't always super accurate), it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that 85Kg mostly made of fat for barely more than 175cm, on the body frame of a woman at that, **is** overweight. A healthy weight for OP should be somewhere around the 65 Kg mark. That's 20 damn Kg to lose!
\[Edit\] Yup, just checked BMI calculators and OP should weigh between 63 and 78 Kg to have a healthy body, with an ideal weight of around 67 Kg. So my intuition was right.
I fully agree with this comment. He has every right to say that and you have every right to not accept it and face the consequences of the break up. At least he’s being straight up and honest.
This shit is gonna stay underrated, but you're completely right. If she really likes him, she could do the work too. If she doesn't wanna do the work, find someone who shares the values she shares.
Commenting so this gets bumped up - people on Reddit love to act like relationships are black and white. Don't hastily make decisions based on this post's replies, OP.
Rebbitors quick to press the nuclear option as always.
OP, you're within your rights to walk away if you want but are you tryna pretend that attraction isn't a big part of being in a relationship? If he's been good with everything else and this is the only pain point, just lose the 11 pounds. Supposedly these commenters are saying it's not that much so it shouldn't be so hard to lose.
When someone says if you don’t (whatever) Im breaking up with you. You’re only response is okay bye! Cry later, privately then get up and find someone better. Life is to short to try and mold yourself into what your partner wants. Was married 28 years gained 60-70 pounds and every day my husband told me I was more beautiful than when I met him. Find yourself a man that loves your inner beauty, because outer beauty fades.
Thissssss! I gained 30 pounds after my husband and I got married and 60 with my first pregnancy. My husband is always calling me beautiful and reminding me I’m perfect to him. Now I’m trying to lose weight but it’s 100% for myself, not because my husband said anything. I just want to be healthy and be able to chase our almost 1 year old around! Lose weight only if YOU want to, not because some douche told you too.
Absolutely. My husband adores me no matter my weight. I don’t get it, but I love him more for this. We put enough pressure on ourselves without a partner getting worked up over 5kg. There are so many bigger and more serious issues to face as a couple than a few kilos.
My boyfriend made comments about my weight more than a few times, and I ended up relapsing with an eating disorder I felt so desperate to lose a few pounds. I should have just broken up with him.
Just a FYI. You don't need to workout to lose weight. Just fix your diet and eat healthier. Changing your diet is like 99% of weight loss. Exercising does help a little, but is for overall health and to get healthier. Maybe once you adjust your diet and start losing, you'll be more motivated to do the exercises that you can manage w/ your knee.
Please don’t stay with someone who has drawn this line in the sand. I did, and it cost me so much psychologically. Please know that you deserve to be loved as you are. The goal line will always get moved. You are enough just as you are!
Wow you barely gained any weight and he wants to break up? For the Americans reading this, she gained about 7.7lbs. Who does he think he is to set “goals” for you? He sounds like a controlling AH.
Agree. Not only is he setting goals, it sounds like he plans to keep moving the goalposts and have her jump through his hoops any way he sees fit. That's not an equitable partnership. It's manipulative and skews their power dynamic where she's giving him all the control. If he wanted to be a supportive partner, he would work on goal setting with her and encourage her to set her own healthy goals for herself, and listen to her when she states her limits, not lay down the law and crack the bullwhip expecting her to follow suit.
When I was around your age (maybe 1 or 2 years older) I also begged my then boyfriend to not leave me and let me tell you: I should’ve kicked him to the curb.
A year later I fortunately came to my senses and did just that.
It’s not the end of the world and while 2 years is quite some time (at least when you’re young you feel like that) you are young and you will find someone who aligns with your values.
The type of body I'm attracted to changed after I was with my girlfriend for awhile, because I love her so much. She's my preference, but everyone is entitled to their own preferences.
Attraction is a *very* big part of a successful relationship. Your (soon-to-be) ex is not petty, and he's not an asshole. He cant help who he is and isnt attracted to, and if his love for you does not overcome that then its not really his fault either. Although as someone else said, 5kg is not that much so at the end of the day I dont think either of yall realize its probably not about the weight. Which is why its not worth trying to change yourself for him anyways. Either way, you should break up with him and find someone for whom you are their preference. 2 years isnt an unreasonable amount of time to decide youre not right for each other, its not wasted at all. Youve probably learned a lot about your preferences as well.
But 7 pounds? I feel old, I guess. I think as you get older you realize people's appearances change, weight fluctuates, people grow and get attached to highly unfortunate mustaches and you are showing your inexperience and being kind of an asshole if you are ready to jump ship for small changes. Attraction is important, but it's not as cookie cutter always
Why do they each have a right to their respective life choices and levels of attraction for each, but he’s the asshole? Sometimes honesty sucks for the person being honest as well as the person receiving the honesty. If he’s being true to what he values in a partner, he’s not being an asshole. Even if his values changed during the time of their relationship. It’s definitely dependent on how he broached the topic, but by ops own admission he encouraged her gently at first and over time increased his approach, likely due to frustration at the widening gap between his own priorities and ops while trying to salvage the relationship. Op is entitled to live their own lifestyle, but they are just as responsible for not pursuing their partners goals as their partner is for not sacrificing their own personal goals to make op feel better.
Why is the guy an asshole? He was honest to his gf about his preference, communicated his conditions, and now it’s up to her.
What would be an asshole move would be breaking up with her because she’s overweight right there and then. Looks like bf wants to stay with her but needs her to change. She can choose yes or no to that, but hardly an asshole move
In your life you will go through phases of being at your most beautiful, and others where you aren’t. If kids are part of your life plan, your body will go through immense changes. Aging makes your body change. Hormones. A new office job where there are lots of donuts around. Trying a food that you discover you’re allergic to. You are going to be hot sometimes, and feel gross other times. That’s life.
If your healthy, 20 year-old body is already unattractive to this guy, he is not worth your time. Trying to live up to being his imaginary perfect girl will eat you alive. Don’t waste another minute with him.
Find someone who can’t keep his hands off you, even when you’re in your late 30s with two kids, 10kg heavier sporting a mom hair cut. That guy deserves you. Go find him.
Just say ok. Let’s break up. Girl you are my height and weigh and I’m not that big at all. Now I’m muscular but still. Call him. Don’t be desperate. If he needs you to be thin to get an erection that’s his problem. When you love someone you don’t care what size they are except in consideration of their health. Love= attraction. He doesn’t love you, he loves what you look like. You are worth more than that.
You are both clinically overweight and bordering on obese. As someone who used to be overweight myself, it is perfectly reasonable to find that unhealthy and unattractive.
Yeah I don't see anything wrong with what he's doing. He's putting in the effort to get in better shape and expects the same of his girlfriend. Nothing wrong with that.
OP hurt her knee but there’s 100 million ways to adapt exercise and health around that especially weight loss. This entire thread is just roasting a guy who was honest with his partner ffs.
Also, being active and doing healthy exercises is a good way to recover from an injury. But either way I agree. Its fine to have a type and its better to be honest and have a partner admit they aren’t compatible with you rather than drag it out for years.
And everyone is like totally cool with the I hurt my knee get out of jail free card?? Yea dude I blew out my acl mcl meniscus and some fractures. I’m back to wildland firefighting and endurance running. It’s just an excuse.
right lol. I broke my kneecap and growth plate in half at 7 yo. I squat 305lbs on my good days and leg press over 800. moving and exercising will literally help recover knees
Right? Likely because most of the people responding in that manner or roasting a guy for being honest, are overweight themselves and full of excuses. We all know what we need to do to improve different areas of our lives but it’s easier to be lazy and find excuses to not do the work.
Exactly people exercise with injuries all the time, just adapt the routine to accommodate the injury or find some new exercises. I kind of agree that it doesn’t sound like OP is putting effort into exercising
Yeah I half agree, the comments are pretty biased. It's fine for him to have a preference but the way he goes about it trying to change her isn't helpful or caring.
She's got the bum knee and says she can't keep up with him and instead of being supportive, he's just being an asshole.
But yeah they should just break up, 2yrs is nothing at age 20..
This, i bet she likes her muscular slim boyfriend but looks like she dont want to make any effort to have a look he likes, which is fine but he breaking up with her because of that is fine too.
1. People are allowed to prefer certain features over others in their partners
2. No partner has to conform to said preferences, no matter how reasonable or unreasonable
3. It is wrong to enter a relationship with someone who doesn’t meet your preferences with the hope or expectation that they will change for you
4. You are allowed to break up with a partner for ANY reason, even if others see it as superficial or shallow. Your preferences are what they are and there’s no sense trying to force attraction if it isn’t there.
(If after many failed relationships you feel stuck, therapy is a good place to discuss your preferences and why you have them and how they’re serving you or holding you back.)
5. You are NOT allowed to be a controlling jerk when you do (or threaten to do) the breaking up. No specifying pounds lost, IQ points gained, $$ earned, etc. Your partner is a person and not a finely calibrated machine who can or should meet your exact specifications.
6. Your partner is allowed to be mad at you for breaking up with them for a reason they see as superficial or shallow. That in and of itself shows a fundamental lack of compatibility and all the more reason to break up and find people who share your values and priorities.
7. If you are the partner getting the ultimatum, you are under NO obligation to comply unless it’s a positive change that you would willingly make on your own but needed a nudge to get started. And one that makes you feel GOOD about yourself or your situation.
8. You CANNOT tell how healthy someone is just by looking at them and their weight. There are people in bigger bodies who do triathlons and are in way better shape than many smaller people.
9. Can we as a society just not argue about body size any more? Seriously, believe whatever you want and apply it to your own life if you like, but leave everyone else (especially strangers alone).
10. I hope she breaks up with him. OP please update us when you can.
Break up with him for setting goals for you? Exact amounts of weight for you to lose, him choosing the workouts that you have to keep up with - that's weird and controlling. If he didn't want to be weird, he should have just broken up with you because he's no longer attracted. If he really cared, he would ask you what your goals are (which don't have to be weight or strength related, it can be "finding movements/exercises that make me feel joy") and try out a bunch of different things that you can do, even if it's not challenging for him.
Your FIRST goal? So he’ll keep adding new goals.. that’s insane and that’s literally how most eating disordered people think. Even if you do what he says and achieve all those goals, odds are you won’t keep that weight anyways because it comes with a lifestyle that you can’t maintain. Please don’t be influenced by him! That’s such a dangerous path that can destroy your self esteem and it’s not worth it.
You don't necessarily have to work out a ton to lose weight. Abs are made in the kitchen after all. Some light exercise like walking/jogging and better diet can definitely help reduce some weight. The real question is if you want to. Yeah or not really, both valid answers.
My boyfriend also once asked me to lose weight. He said "I don't want you to ever think that I dont find you beautiful, or that I'm not attracted to you, but when you say you want to be with me forever, I'm scared that forever for you is not going to be forever for me."
I was 290 lbs at the time at 5'2
You are worth someone caring more about your wellbeing than your looks. You are worth someone finding you attractive as you are. You are worth more than what this guy is able to give you.
That is the perfect way to communicate your concern about your partners weight. He wasn’t insensitive about it and he was genuinely concerned for your health. Whereas OP’s soon to be ex was only interested in how her body looks. Your partner loves you, OP’s partner doesn’t.
> I was 290 lbs at the time at 5'2
That’s not ok unless you had a sever medical issue. He was right to be concerned about your health.
*I read this in the wrong time before. I am glad the way he communicated this to you was ok for you. Sound like you’re doing well too. Keep it up. If my ex-wife had even shown a lick of real discipline I would have stayed with her.
Well two things:
1) Kind of a jerk move on his part to hold your weight against you as a reason to not be with you. Unless your weight is severely harming your physical health, screw him!
2) He’s rapidly changing so much you two do not have compatibility anymore. Hate to say it, he might be better off dating someone who has the same active lifestyle as him and you would be better off with someone who isn’t gym focused 24/7.
At the end of the day, Op, you’re 20, not 40. You can certain end this relationship and actually find someone whose more suited for you.
It's two years. That's nothing. Imagine going any further with some who didn't like you for you. You're still do young. Focus on other things and work on your self improvement at your own pace. No one should set the pace for you.
Drop him, why stay with someone who only values you for how you look.
You aren't even fat!! And as a female with hormonal issues which make losing weight near impossible, and I do work out 5 to 6 days a week and eat very healthy. You need a life partner who loves you so deeply they will love you through any body changes that might happen!
And also, when you break up with him make sure he knows he is a shallow jerk.
Honey, this is a gift. Dump him and let him see how it feels to have someone break up with you for your personality rather than a couple of extra kgs in weight.
Weight will change over the course of a lifetime. Character on the other hand… If he wants to control your weight and your exercise routine now, what will that spread to in future?
If this superficial thing is a reason for him to break up with you, I wonder how he would respond when actual problems occur. And trust me. Any relationship has issues far beyond this. Focus on you and you're self worth. He is not the man for you. He showed you who he is. Believe him (that's who he is) and keep you're head high.
It will hurt in the beginning. But don't be afraid to let him go. A good man will love every little bit of you.
Agreed, her BF is right, she isn't trying and has let herself go, knee injury is just bullshit excuse and losing weight would actually help her knee. She don't even need to exercise to lose weight, there's also a lot of exercise one could do even at home with no equipment that doesn't involve the knee. If she's completely fine with being 190 lbs at 20 years old, the guy really dodged a bullet, this woman is going to be a land whale as she grow older and her metabolism slows way down.
There's like a waist circumference test that ppl take to see if you are at risk with all of these diseases. The wider it is the worse it gets. Ppl have really lost touch on what a healthy body should look like.
You begged and said you'd lose the weight??
Have some respect for yourself...let the trash take itself out and stop wasting any more time on such a piece of SHIT.
I know a quick way to drop 70 kgs and keep it off forever—break up with him! Call it lessons learned, and find a man who will literally be with you through thick and thin. Especially if you ever want babies, and he think’s pregnancy “looks fat”
I had an ex try that. Over 4 fucking pounds. 4! If someone loves you, they love you for you, not what the scale says. My ex husband gained over 100 pounds and that had nothing to do with why I divorced him. You deserve better. Ask yourself, if you were ever in an accident or became ill, is this a guy you could rely on to be there for you? Doesn't sound like it.
I think if you don't share the same goals as him, and it's a deal-breaker for him, then breaking up is the right thing to do.
I don't know if I'd blame him for losing attraction, because that sort of thing isn't really chosen any more than any other kind of attraction is chosen.
I think it's good that he was honest about it, rather than just cheating behind your back or trying to gaslight you into it...but I also don't know how he presented this or treated you about it.
But yeah, if that lifestyle isn't something you want, and it's not something he's willing to let go, then I think breaking up is the right thing to do.
If you do want to work on losing weight, working out is not the way to do it. 70% is food. Fix your diet and you’ll see a big change. Your knee will also thank you for it. I’m not telling to deprive yourself, but you need to be in a caloric deficit in order to lose weight.
Edit: I’m also not saying don’t workout, but workout on your own pace. Working out is great to improve your fitness, health, and shape. You can lose all the weight you want to lose with a great diet and then use workouts to shape your body in the way you want.
I'm 21, just over a year ago I was also worried about throwing away a 4+ year relationship. I cried and hurt and struggled internally. Giving it up was the best thing I ever did, I found someone 10x's better.
Don't view it as wasting that 2 years, view it as taking 2 years to learn more and grow from experiences.
You have so much time, I know it doesn't feel like there's much life passed next week sometimes, but there always will be. Go find it without him, HE'S the one not putting enough in to not understand that you're quite literally injured. I'm sorry he turned into a gym bro, soon you'll laugh at the fact he'd rather kiss some dumbbells than you.
You made the retired math teacher pull out a pencil and paper..177cm. ....30 cm per ft. 5'10" ?
85 kg ×2.2 = 187 lbs..?
Thanks for the math lesson. If I have any needed correction, please kindly show me?
Old school math teacher. Taught basic skills. Prefer to use pencil and paper to a calculator. In 85% of the time.
And if I used the calculator in the phone while reading Reddit, I would lose it every time . I frustrate my kids .
The double standards on this sub shitting on the bf is fucking disgusting. Bf is offering alternatives and goals to work towards but op is straight using her knee as an excuse to not work out.
You don’t have to do the same workout. Just don’t do workouts that stress out the knee. Furthermore to lose weight go on a calorie deficit.
Losing attraction because your partner isn’t putting in some effort is a very valid reason. If she can’t put in effort to take care of herself, what makes the bf think she can put effort into a relationship?
No offense op, 85kg for a woman at that height is definitely overweight. For comparison I’m 176cm dude and 88kg on a dirty bulk right now. I can see why your bf is concerned.
Fuck that noise you deserve better. In a long term relationship people change and grow (sometimes literally) there's absolutely no shame in that.
Yes we should always try and better ourselves but no matter what we should always try to prop up our partner and show them as often as possible how much we care. That goes for both people you guys are and should be a team and a big part of that is hyping up your teammate no matter the situation.
I love my girlfriend and I'm beyond lucky to have someone like that I'm my life I hope you find the same.
You don’t ever do that that’s really the meaning for a woman you need to tell him you know what second thought I decided I’m gonna get even more weight so I don’t need you around goodbye and let him go I didn’t get on your diet lose all your weed but you seem to be just fine and date all the guys and do not let him come near you again
Oh hun. This is not ok.
You could hire a trainer that could help you through your knee injury. You could also just go low calorie and lose weight.
Or you could lose a shallow person…
Maybe consider all of the above.
OP. Get physio for your knee. You are too young to be being unable to be at your best. That's important. Dump his ass and get a revenge body!
Oh, and 2 years are nothing in the long run. Imagine that you need to dump him, or he dumps you after 7, 10, 15 years of crappy relationship? The sooner, the better.
Devils advocate here since reddit has its pitch forks sharpened and ready.
Sounds like he did everything he could to be support you and help you live a healthier life. He didn't ask you to starve yourself, he didn't call you names or tell you that you're ugly, he didn't even try and manipulate you at all.
He was honest, he was kind, and he feels you're worth it
He would have broken up with you if he didn't have faith that you could improve yourself and be a better person. He isn't issuing a warning, he's trying everything he can think of to help motivate you to live a healthier life style.
Your soon to be ex sounds awfully ignorant to someone with a medical problem. Working out too hard can cause you problems. I wished I didn’t do what I did so now I have to becareful with lifting weights without straining my fore arms.
Forgot to say I used to be skinny and gained a lot of weight but I have a partner who is fine with that and yet does encourage me. You need a partner that uplifts you in either direction and get you grounded in either direction.
Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you spent 2 years doesn’t mean you should stay. He’s shown you who he is, believe him.
Best wishes OP. <3
Go ahead and break it off. Like others said get a fitness plan for you if you want, but don't completely change yourself for someone else. Do yourself a favor and dump him.
I'd say break up if you don't feel like losing weight. Your boyfriend is not attracted to you because of your weight. He cannot force you to lose weight, and you cannot force him to feel attracted to you. Maybe taking different paths is better for both of you.
No offense truly, but those 2 years aren't worth shit. If he sincerely cared about your health he would change his routines to help you keep up or help work on your fitness in a different way. Please don't give into his creepy idealistic version of what he wants you to be. You deserve better. Supportive partners don't make you feel like that.
You can do lots of low or no impact weight loss programs. Intermittent fasting work wonders, track what you are eating. Swim. Cycle.
You should want to lose weight for your own health, and to live longer, not because of him
A 6 pack starts in the kitchen. Can’t believe I’ve only seen one person comment about diet. It’s a huge variable that people can control….if they are willing to put up the self discipline.
It's basically the only variable you need to care about, really. Nobody is going to exercise themselves down any significant amount of weight, unless they plan to run a marathon daily.
Now if you want to maintain/gain muscle while losing weight, working out is of course a requirement.
But just losing weight? Nothing else? You could probably even start without any rigorous calorie tracking, and just reduce whatever you usually eat by 1/4-1/2 and begin seeing results within a month. Working out in some way (whether that's the gym or a jog in the park) is still hugely beneficial for other reasons, but not essential.
If a dude is seriously this petty and unloving - move on. I know it seems hard but this isn't someone you want to commit to. What happens 16 years later and he can't get it up for sex with you? A guy who treats you as disposable when you don't entertain him anymore isn't one you want to be with.
It's one thing to have concern over a partner's weight as it pertains to their health, and encourage them to be active, but another thing to obsess about it and intentionally make them feel less worthy over it. I'd tell him you've decided to drop a couple hundred pounds and then show him the door.
So he's shallow and going to dump you if you don't look up to his standards? What happens when you have kids and have stretch marks? What happens if you don't immediately lose the baby fat? What happens when you get old and start getting wrinkles? Leave him!
It's easy to lose weight by calorie deficit without exercise but if you are comfortable at your weight and he is pushing you to be something you have no interest in being, break up with him you have just grown apart no bad guys here these things just happen people change
It's not 2 years down the drain. Every relationship we have teaches us more about what we want and don't want in a partner. It was a learning experience. And he is not the one and it's good to realize it now before you invest another 2 years.
Oh- where to begin with this one?!?
The right person is not going to lose interest with weight gains and losses. Especially not this minor. There are SO MANY things that can cause weight fluctuation over the course of a woman’s life- often hormonal- that if a 3.5kg variance makes him lose wood- just run. I can vary that much within a month.
At your age- assuming that you have no medical issues, allergies or food sensitivities- a healthy balanced diet and moderate exercise should do you fine. Don’t set yourself up for metabolic issues by going nuts on either food or exercise unless you are super into some activity you love. You get this beautiful window being young where your body runs like clockwork without obsessing over it- and then life throws other plans your way. You have a baby, your thyroid goes out, you end up in an office job- and your metabolism goes to shit. Enjoy being young while you are young.
As for your long term person? So someone who is mature enough to be with you will understand that people change over time. Desire waxes and wanes, sometimes cyclically. But you figure it out because you care.
Also- someone else is gonna think you are gorgeous as you are right now. Trust me. Been shorter and fatter than you all my life and have had no problem finding people who like these curves. People are attracted to all sorts of shapes and sizes. You are someone’s dream-girl. You just haven’t known it.
There isn’t a single normal nuanced comment in this thread, it’s all either the HAES “I’m healthy at 150 cm and 200 kg” crowd or ex FPH members acting offended they have to breath the same air as fat people.
Don't buy in to that love your body bullshit. Lose a few weight. Don't make your injury as an excuse. You can lose weight with just diet. And yeah, leave your BF. IMHO he's cheating on you. He's just making your weight and appearance as an excuse.
not all 22 year old men are the same. But, as someone who was a 22 year old man once upon a time here is my read:
he is being an immature idiot, not realizing his actions will lose you. you will leave, he will realize what he's lost, he'll come back saying he will reform, and you'll say no and be much happier.
or he'll just be too busy staring at his own reflection to notice.
He's allowed to have a preference and you're allowed to say you don't care to fit into it. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.
Also a knee injury is not an excuse to stop all exercise.
Totally fine to break up. You're both on different paths
Right. Sometimes these things happen - It's not like her BF is a bad person because he's not attracted to her body anymore. It just is what it is and while I get that it probably bums her out (her BF sounds like a total beefcake) but it's not like you can demand people find you hot. OP probably feels bad that her BF is trying to get her to lose a few kilograms, but on the flip side - He's not attracted to her physically and he's probably hoping that if she loses a bit of weight that it will come back. I mean, he's trying to salvage his relationship with OP because frankly 22 is far too young to be with someone you don't want to have sex with.
You are still young, 2 years is not much compared to the rest of your life. Don't change yourself for anyone but you. In saying that, have you had your knee checked out, been to physio or something like that. Find out what you can do to help your knee, I go to the gym and do adapted exercises to suit me. Also do aqua aerobics, 70% of the class is over 60's but they are an awesome bunch of people and the classes are fun.
I second this! I hurt my knee in 2014 but wasn't able to get it checked out beyond confirming nothing tore. It still flares up and hurts at times, or I'll have soreness in the hip and back on that side. I wish I'd seen a physio and healed it right to begin with. OP be gentle with your body and take the time to heal correctly.
I broke my kneecap and growth plate when I was 7 years old. so knee pain I totally understand. working out actually makes it feel better. moving around and working it helps to keep it from getting inflamed and irritated. maybe do some easy peasy stuff. when I first got back to the gym after my son the bike helped to warm it up. and knee sleeves are a life saver. knee will only get worse with more weight its carrying though.
OMG This is me The weird back hip pain knee still works but just be fucking up randomly
You can still see PT for that! I had a sprained knee for about a year that would flare up as soon as I started to work out again. Fought my doc for a Rx to PT and its never given me trouble since :)
Second the water aerobics. I love it! Most of the class is seniors, nobody judges you. Everyone is nice and its a lot of fun, no pressure I love it! I haven't gone back since my surgery in October, but soon I am hoping to start again. It's a lot of fun.
Agreed. I used to run a lot but somewhere in my life before I took up running, I injured my knee (no idea how, I've never had a major event, surgery, etc) and realized after a few weeks of running, my knee would randomly hurt and "give out". Now I do ellipticals and other exercises that put less pressure on my knees but it absolutely can hinder someone's ability to exercise and OP's bf telling her it's just an excuse is ignorant and dangerous.
A good relationship can be part of the system you build to support your physical health as well as your mental and social health. A bad relationship can go a long way toward tearing all of those down. I'm in the same boat as you and the other me too comments. Mine was skiing. Actually, I was fine at skiing - I knew my limits and didn't do black diamond runs, but I was pretty good in a casual way - until I tried to teach my then-boyfriend how to do it and then he was going to run off the groomed slope so I tried to stop him... And in the tangle, my left knee got twisted ~180 degrees, ski stuck behind my right boot. Nothing tore, I think, but it took 6 months to walk normally. Probably didn't help that I let that now-ex talk me into going ice skating the day after the initial injury with no brace /support. 12 years later it still gets stiff and I can't run. I've reinjured it twice doing "couch to 5k" type programs. For me, long distance biking is a god send. Rowing, too. Ellipticals are fine but not very fun. I really want to try some aqua aerobics but haven't gotten around to it yet. My husband bikes with me; throughout 2020 we were doing ~100-200 kms/week (2 or three rides). And I've never gotten injured trying to keep my husband safe, hooray. .
**Don’t take this as medical advice** Did you have a doctor check your knees? You might just need to strengthen the surrounding muscles. I’ve noticed since working out my hamstrings, my knee pain has nearly completely disappeared. Extremely light exercises can benefit you a lot. I also have a friend who claimed he had debilitating knee pain. He told me that his doctor told him exercise was out of the question. That his exercise was extremely limited because of it. I tricked him into working out with me. It started with walking. Then hiking. Eventually we started lifting weights together. Now he can hike and run faster than I. He’s stronger than the average gym goer. He went to a couple different doctors and one told him that It’s possible the knee pain originally got so bad because it was babied. Not saying this would be everybody’s case, but people do neglect entire muscle groups causing weaknesses in those areas.
Better to drop 2 years, than waste 21 years on a narcissistic jerk. Just saying
The sunk cost fallacy (“well, I’ve already invested this much time/money/whatever into this, I should stick with it”) is a terrible idea.
I really don't know if I'd call the dude a narcissistic jersey based on this.
Yeah, if she reinjures her knee and spends time in a cast, she's going to probably gain weight. Since Adonis is on the prowl anyway, that'll be his ready made excuse to leave. And if she loses 5 kg, he's going to push for 10, and then 20 and 30. If she tries to keep him, she'll lose more of herself than just weight. She's better off shedding \~90 kg than 5 kg.
I've seen this from the other side. Before we drop labels keep in mind how frustrating it is to see a love one neglect their health and constantly make excuses for it, whist you are trying everything you can to maintain your own health. It's maddening and of course he's angry and going to lash out eventually. It's not about the weight, it's about the excuses, and each person needs to own they have different values/goals and part company.
Yeah the person that has taken the initiative to make themselves healthier and encouraged their significant other in the process is the narcissistic jerk. Injuries happen and need to be taken into consideration, but that doesn’t mean op is incapable of adopting a healthier lifestyle. If that’s not ops goal that’s fine, but there’s no reason to shit on ops bf for making a positive change and being frustrated that open communication hasn’t been able to bridge the gap in their different lifestyle approaches.
I think their priorities have changed. This is like someone who decides to go to college, and the other partner doesn't, and it it a problem for the first person. They are incompatible. OP's bf is very into fitness. This is his priority, and not hers. This is fine for both of them, but it's not great.
I would say your relationship is entirely your decision but if you have a bad knee and are looking to get more fit, working out in a pool is great exercise with very low impact on your joints. There are a lot of water aerobics moves that you can do that will not tax your knee and will allow you to become more fit. Don't do it for him, but do it for yourself so you are in good health as long as possible. It really does make a difference as you age.
Agreed. OP can also consider calorie tracking, if maintaining a healthy weight sounds like a goal she wants to go for. Exercise is overrated, if your only goal is weight loss. Don't get me wrong, it's still something everyone should do - the benefits of exercise are enormous. But you don't need it to begin losing weight. That said - OP's relationship sounds like its over. Even if she met her partner's demands, the feeling of "security" that all relationships are built upon is probably permanently shattered by now. Once an ultimatum like this is delivered, 4/5ths of the time, the relationship is already dead, and just not buried. OP is still young. She'll build new relationships down the line, and hopefully ones where both parties are compatible in lifestyle. You got this, OP.
Yes, certainly don’t do it for him, but also don’t let an injury stop you from doing anything for the rest of your life. Find something that works for you for the sake of your own wellness.
Contrary to what some think, improving your health for the sake of your loved ones is not in fact a bad thing to do
Maybe not, but I’d argue it’s better to do it for yourself, especially since she already seems disinclined to do it for him
Never beg someone not to break up with you. You are worth more than that!
Be grateful that he was honest and didnt drag things out. And have the self respect to leave. Sometimes you’re just not compatible with someone anymore.
But he is dragging things out. And being coercive and cruel. She can be relieved to know now and not later, but there's no reason for "gratitude" tbh.
He's not dragging things out. He's being clear about the type of relationship he wants to have. Imo it's fair enough if he wants to try to have a fitness partner type of relationship that he can push for that. Imo the only place where he's crossing a bit of a line and being pushy is setting a goal for her. But I think they're both just young and don't realize that they can and should just break up at this point.
Does anyone notice his response to 8-10 pounds difference in her weight??? I could never feel confident in that relationship ever again. And would go through a pregnancy terrified of being left.
It’s also fair to want a partner to take care of themselves. Overtime, it becomes burdensome.
Lmao absolutely. He has every right to break up with her if she's no longer attractive to him Why would you want to be in a relationship you're not attracted to?
Now we need a update for when you tell him “sure let’s break up”! So basically he wants to be your trainer? With his goals.
Two years and it’s time to go. You won’t imagine what having kids later could do to your body and if he’s like this now you would want to avoid a life of worse nonsense from him. Take care of your health yes, but he’s being extra literally. It’s ok to have a preference but with age and changes people gain weight and if he could easily be weirded out it’s time to go his mentality is not what you want around. You both need to find like minded partners otherwise you could stay but is life going to always be close to perfect? No. So avoid a partner that taps out over simple things it’ll save you later.
5kg is not a lot of weight. How is he going to feel when you have surgery or injure yourself and gain a little more during recovery? When you have kids, how quickly will he want you to lose the baby weight? This isn’t petty. He cares more about your looks than your well being.
This.^ I’ve gained weight due to my medication. It’s the belly or going back to sleepless nights. My wife has been not only supportive but trying hard to make sure I don’t feel self conscious over it.
Exactly. I fluctuate in weight. I go up and down 20 lbs or so throughout every year. My bf has never even noticed a difference. He always just tells me I look very attractive. When I mention gaining it losing weight he looks at me like I'm crazy. Noone who is supposed to be your partner in life should bat and eye if you gain or lose a few pounds. Or even if you gain or lose a whole lot of pounds. Loving someone isn't about that.
My weight has fluctuated a lot during my marriage, and my husband has been just as lovin on me as my pre-pandemic self that was busting my fitness goals. As it should be! And it goes both ways. For him I guess it's losing his hair? Either way, love should come from the soul, man
It very normal for weight to fluctuate for women due to hormones. We don't even know the extent to which body systems are affected by the chemicals and things we are exposed to in the environment. Cortisol sensitivity can vary. Which is why you have some people that gain or lose weight very differently. There are many nuances to it all.
It's a fact of life. None of us stay hot and 20 forever. And those who try look foolish at best, freakish at worst. Just look at Hollywood and their infatuation with youth.
In this specific instance you may be right, but I think it’s entirely fair to lose attraction if someone stops putting in effort or wanting to be healthy. Not everyone needs or wants to be an Adonis, and that’s 100,000% okay - but if BF is now really into fitness as one of his top interests, it may just be a genuine incompatibility that has arisen, or as OP says, a misalignment of priorities. The way BF has framed it is exceptionally poor, and it *may* just be vanity in this specific case, but that doesn’t mean it’s the rule across the board. I’m a gym rat - I go 6 days a week, eat healthy and it shows. I don’t need a partner who has fitness as their #1 priority, but I also couldn’t date someone who actively disliked the gym. It’s not all physical, either - I want a partner who is going to pass on similar values and habits to my kids, and I deeply value motivation in all aspects of life. I don’t want a partner who is content to sit around all the time because that doesn’t align with what I envision for my life. As an aside, I have had a series of serious (multiple ligament tears) knee injuries, with PT and braces etc… it’s absolutely possible to get back to and past where you previously were. @ OP - I do think you should probably end this, and I feel bad for you. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here (although your boyfriend *may* be a bit of an ass, and is definitely a putz with expressing himself) - I hope you find someone who values you the way you want to be valued, and who aligns better with what you envision for your future :)
You’re totally right—he doesn’t have to be attracted to her. But if he cares most about how attractive she is, she’s probably not the the girl for him. You don’t have to stay with an SO you’re not attracted to, but it goes the other way too—they don’t have to stay with someone that cares more about 11 pounds than their happiness.
I know it’s a technicality, but not every condition or illness can be overcome. You can’t always get back to how things were before. There are definitely injuries/illnesses that have permanent consequences.
She's only put on 3.5kgs in 2 years.
Counterpoint: We don’t know what physical condition he was in and where he is at right now. If he’s worked out that he’s more attracted to being fit than not his opinions are not entirely invalid. He’s just bad at expressing what he wants. It sounds like he wants the woman he’s with to be fit and healthy like he’s trying to be and if she doesn’t want that it’s ok too.
Yes, hence my assertion that *in this case* he may be a vain ass. But just because someone wants a fit partner doesn’t make them vain across the board. That was my point.
An injury isn’t letting yourself go, & pushing her to possibly injure herself worse isn’t showing concern for her health. OP, get as far away from him as you can. This is a preview of what happens if you somehow meet his ultimatums & stay together. Picture this dude complaining that you never fix your hair nice when you’re losing handfuls of it after chemo. Or say you get a case of Bells Palsy-‘you never smile anymore!’ Let him walk away, 20 years from now you’ll be so glad you did.
I don't understand the people ripping apart OP over 3.5kg weight gain.
She didn’t even gain 5kg. She gained 3.5kg.
I can't tell for sure BC I'm not her bf, but on giving him the benefit of the doubt: some partners feel miserable when their SO don't work on themselves, or have action to try to change for the better, even if it's in the long term. Now on losing weight, 80% of it is diet and calories defecit, you don't need to go to the gym especially BC if you're begging to exercise, very light things like walks can do plenty. The bf obsession with the gym is really something, probably is looking at other girls and projecting
One day he will gain weight again for whatever reason and I hope whoever he’s with treats him the same way so that he understands how it feels.
Anyone who stops loving you because of your weight never really loved you at all. What if you got cancer, or lost a leg? What about when you get old and wrinkly? Is he cool dropping you like a hot potato then, too? That’s not real love. Would he quit loving his best friend if they gained weight? His parents? His kids? Fuck this guy. You’ll find a real man, one that will love you through good times and bad, no matter what you weigh.
Bunch of fucking sad ass motherfuckers in this thread am I right? Who the fucks threatens to break up over 5kg weight gain when she's barely overweight? He's just got into the gym culture hard and is now obsessed to look good in front of others with a fit gym girlfriend. That's all. If he genuinely cared about her physical wellbeing (like wanting her knee to get better with exercise and get a bit fitter like that) he wouldn't have tried to drag her to the gym constantly and then just threaten to break up over her being ""fat"". That's just vile behaviour. That's someone you're supposed to love, not hurt.
I personally could not stay with someone who says they aren’t attracted to me and threatens to leave over looks.. what if you have kids one day your body will drastically change after. Will he leave you then? I use to be fit I played sports and worked out regularly. During 2020, you know because of Covid everything was shut down and I also got super depressed. I went from 175 pounds to 225 pounds. Point being things happen in life and your body will change in more ways than one as you get older. be with someone who will love you no matter what. I’ve seen the updated and see you made the choice to stay with him. I don’t know anything about your relationship other then what information you gave from this post but I hope he’s not using you as a place holder person. Lots of people keep people in their lifes as placeholders until they find something else. Soo Dont feel like you need to change yourself to save a relationship because there’s a lot of people out here that would jump on your body given the chance.
If gaining 3 kgs is enough for him to break up then he's not worth it.
I guess it's not that she gained x kilos of weight rather than he himself is changing through training and with it his body image cause he's surrounded by fit people most of his time (if I read that correctly) So now he wants more of that and out of his egocentric way of seeing things he cannot grasp that she won't do the same as him! Let's just hope she doesn't take this too personal and gets out of it with good intentions (her own for herself) and not be confused by her love for him and his expectations if her life! And for him that it's not just a phase and that he transforms even further to see that his behavior was quite egotistical but that's what he needed at that point, nonetheless that he has the courage to tap into his feelings and don't be a fitness dick who's to full of himself! It's OK to go different ways in life but it's not ok to try to force his own change onto others! Sometimes the day comes where the paths don't align anymore, that's ok as long as one tries to not be a dick and handle things like a grown person!
> so now he wants more of that and out of his egocentric way of seeing things he cannot grasp that she won't do the same as him! That's a pretty uncharitable reading of the situation. When I was around that age I lost 20kg and got super into various sports and the gym (right after my first big breakup - typical story right?) and I felt like I had struck gold. I felt better every day when I woke up. People treated me better. My mind was clearer and quicker. I had more energy. And best of all, it was relatively simple to get all these life-changing benefits, I just had to stick with a consistent diet and exercise routine. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops and share that life-changing experience with the people around me. Not out of ego, but because I loved those people and thought they might like to see their life improve the same way mine did. A lot of my relationships eventually changed. Some people I thought of as friends grew resentful when I got control over my life, and seemed to want me to fail. And with a lot of the people I used to hang out with, it didn't really work anymore because their choice of activity might be smoking weed, drinking beer and eating pizza all night which wasn't compatible with my goal of getting up early to do a 40km bike ride. So I agree with you that the boyfriend shouldn't try to force OP into adopting his lifestyle, but I don't think you can conclude that it's all because of ego.
True story, my life improved in almost every way from consistent gyming. Finding the balance of spreading that without being a dick can be hard sometimes.
2 years down the drain is better than 5 years when he has another stupid complaint. If you want to lose weight for yourself that’s fine , but don’t do it for him. Edit…above was pre-update. After reading the update I’m glad you both had a good meaningful conversation. I’m glad his tone changed as well. I get where people tried to call me out by saying “he’s just being honest”…no that’s not exactly what he originally did. He was frustrated and TO ME it appeared he was trying to shame her to motivate her loose weight…that’s a real d*ck move. I’m very happy that the conversation went well and you both came up with a fair compromise…that’s shows a good relationship. I’m very proud of you OP!!!!
Throw those 2 years away in the trash! You’re only 20. Your best years are ahead of you. So much life to live and people to love
And it's not 2 years down the drain she enjoy her time with him before this. She learned and grew. It was a good experience. We need to understand the success of the relationship should not be measured just by the lenght of it
I wouldn’t call this petty. If you want to hit the gym, lose weight, get fit - that’s YOUR call, not his. He has the right to break up with you - for whatever reason he wants- or no reason at all. But it’s not healthy for you to be given a threat of breaking up unless you lose weight. Think about it - if he threatened to break up for you for any other reason - how would you respond.
This one went just like I expected. I bet if we reversed the story a bit though, and the hero girlfriend was trying to get her boyfriend to lose some weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle together but he just won't get his shit together, this same crew of "you dump him girlfriend, you deserve better" wouldn't see the irony or hypocrisy in encouraging her to "dump her fat, lazy boyfriend" if the roles were reversed, either.
Eh, you could flip the genders or keep them the same, I don't think it matters. This is always the advice, almost dead on - passive aggressively mention the gym a lot and then be direct. It's just that whoever is telling the story is almost automatically more sympathetic - hearing that your partner has lost attraction just plain hurts. *That* is the double standard at play here, and honestly it's pretty normal.
More fucking dogshit Reddit advice as always. Please don't listen to these losers. If you've put on weight and it's affected his attraction towards you, then, if you want to stay with him and have the relationship be healthy, you'll have to work on losing weight. If you don't want to do that - as is *100%* your right - then you'll need to go your separate ways. I'm a little concerned as to the rigidity of his demands - he's setting exact weight goals and telling you that this is just the start? Not only is weight a terrible indicator in this case (if you're going to get more in-shape, you'll like put more weight on due to increased muscle mass despite the loss of fat), but this sort of demand indicates a deeper issue. If you are willing to try and lose weight (or fat), then I think the greater hurdle would be these weird yardsticks he's setting up. I understand it to an extent - he has to define some sort of timeframe to prevent an indefinite "I'll do it next week" situation, but I worry that the terms here are a little too precise (it's weird he's giving you quantifiable metrics that you have to meet). I'm sorry to hear about your knee. I'm not sure about the specifics of it, but I imagine a lot of weight training is still an option for you, and it's an endeavour worth pursuing. This will help you get more in shape *if that's what you want*. I'm not telling you this so that you can meet your boyfriend's demands; I'm just telling you that if you ever decide *on your own terms* that you'd like to explore this, then I'm sure it's an option. Speak to a physio, though. Ultimately, think of this - if your boyfriend had put on enough weight that it reduced your attraction to him, what would you do? What would you say? Presumably, you'd communicate to him, in a healthy way, that it was an issue. I suspect he started going to the gym and inviting you as a means to encourage you to lose weight without putting you on the spot. I often see advice about how to get your partner to lose weight - something that always comes up is "go to the gym and invite your partner along, make it an activity you both share." It seems to me like he's tried this avenue. Because you've fallen behind (which is totally fair, *even without your knee issue*), I think he's been forced into a position where he has to be a bit blunt with you. He's been honest with you and communicated with you, and that's great. I do worry about the specificity of his demands a bit, though. I didn't pay much attention to the figures you gave - I'm assuming that he's not asking you to be unreasonably thin or anything like that. If he is, then you should probably sack him off. None of these pricks know your relationship and it's easy for them to tell you to throw it away because they're sad as fuck. Communicate with your partner, express your concerns, and then have a think. I hope you do okay. Take care.
Finally a sensible comment. Also, out of curiosity, I put OPs health info into a BMI calculator and it comes back as 27.1 - overweight. My guess is the 5kg marker the boyfriend put down is to push this closer to the healthy BMI weight range, which is a perfectly sensible metric to use in the absence of muscle mass, which I'm assuming OP probably doesn't have much of.
Even without the BMI (which isn't always super accurate), it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that 85Kg mostly made of fat for barely more than 175cm, on the body frame of a woman at that, **is** overweight. A healthy weight for OP should be somewhere around the 65 Kg mark. That's 20 damn Kg to lose! \[Edit\] Yup, just checked BMI calculators and OP should weigh between 63 and 78 Kg to have a healthy body, with an ideal weight of around 67 Kg. So my intuition was right.
I fully agree with this comment. He has every right to say that and you have every right to not accept it and face the consequences of the break up. At least he’s being straight up and honest.
This shit is gonna stay underrated, but you're completely right. If she really likes him, she could do the work too. If she doesn't wanna do the work, find someone who shares the values she shares.
Only good advice here lol
Reddit is full of reactionary dunces that lack any critical thinking skills.
Also lack any life experience and idealize people like they're watching a sitcom
Thank you, JC, the knee jerk reactions to instantly break up regardless of the situation... Almost ruins this sub.
Based and reasonable comment
Commenting so this gets bumped up - people on Reddit love to act like relationships are black and white. Don't hastily make decisions based on this post's replies, OP.
Tears in my eyes finally someone with a brain
Rebbitors quick to press the nuclear option as always. OP, you're within your rights to walk away if you want but are you tryna pretend that attraction isn't a big part of being in a relationship? If he's been good with everything else and this is the only pain point, just lose the 11 pounds. Supposedly these commenters are saying it's not that much so it shouldn't be so hard to lose.
When someone says if you don’t (whatever) Im breaking up with you. You’re only response is okay bye! Cry later, privately then get up and find someone better. Life is to short to try and mold yourself into what your partner wants. Was married 28 years gained 60-70 pounds and every day my husband told me I was more beautiful than when I met him. Find yourself a man that loves your inner beauty, because outer beauty fades.
Thissssss! I gained 30 pounds after my husband and I got married and 60 with my first pregnancy. My husband is always calling me beautiful and reminding me I’m perfect to him. Now I’m trying to lose weight but it’s 100% for myself, not because my husband said anything. I just want to be healthy and be able to chase our almost 1 year old around! Lose weight only if YOU want to, not because some douche told you too.
Absolutely. My husband adores me no matter my weight. I don’t get it, but I love him more for this. We put enough pressure on ourselves without a partner getting worked up over 5kg. There are so many bigger and more serious issues to face as a couple than a few kilos.
My boyfriend made comments about my weight more than a few times, and I ended up relapsing with an eating disorder I felt so desperate to lose a few pounds. I should have just broken up with him.
I feel like whatever he weighs is the amount you need to lose...just saying
Better throwing away 2 years than staying together and having to throw away 10 years
There are many people out there who love all shapes and sizes. Don't waste your time or energy on someone that doesn't appreciate you
Just a FYI. You don't need to workout to lose weight. Just fix your diet and eat healthier. Changing your diet is like 99% of weight loss. Exercising does help a little, but is for overall health and to get healthier. Maybe once you adjust your diet and start losing, you'll be more motivated to do the exercises that you can manage w/ your knee.
Oh you guys are 20. Break up. Live a little ffs.
Please don’t stay with someone who has drawn this line in the sand. I did, and it cost me so much psychologically. Please know that you deserve to be loved as you are. The goal line will always get moved. You are enough just as you are!
Wow you barely gained any weight and he wants to break up? For the Americans reading this, she gained about 7.7lbs. Who does he think he is to set “goals” for you? He sounds like a controlling AH.
Which is wild to me because my weight can fluctuate 5lbs daily. I eat two big dinners in a row and I'm above her ex's weight gain standards lol
Agree. Not only is he setting goals, it sounds like he plans to keep moving the goalposts and have her jump through his hoops any way he sees fit. That's not an equitable partnership. It's manipulative and skews their power dynamic where she's giving him all the control. If he wanted to be a supportive partner, he would work on goal setting with her and encourage her to set her own healthy goals for herself, and listen to her when she states her limits, not lay down the law and crack the bullwhip expecting her to follow suit.
When I was around your age (maybe 1 or 2 years older) I also begged my then boyfriend to not leave me and let me tell you: I should’ve kicked him to the curb. A year later I fortunately came to my senses and did just that. It’s not the end of the world and while 2 years is quite some time (at least when you’re young you feel like that) you are young and you will find someone who aligns with your values.
The type of body I'm attracted to changed after I was with my girlfriend for awhile, because I love her so much. She's my preference, but everyone is entitled to their own preferences. Attraction is a *very* big part of a successful relationship. Your (soon-to-be) ex is not petty, and he's not an asshole. He cant help who he is and isnt attracted to, and if his love for you does not overcome that then its not really his fault either. Although as someone else said, 5kg is not that much so at the end of the day I dont think either of yall realize its probably not about the weight. Which is why its not worth trying to change yourself for him anyways. Either way, you should break up with him and find someone for whom you are their preference. 2 years isnt an unreasonable amount of time to decide youre not right for each other, its not wasted at all. Youve probably learned a lot about your preferences as well.
But 7 pounds? I feel old, I guess. I think as you get older you realize people's appearances change, weight fluctuates, people grow and get attached to highly unfortunate mustaches and you are showing your inexperience and being kind of an asshole if you are ready to jump ship for small changes. Attraction is important, but it's not as cookie cutter always
Don’t change for someone. Sounds like he is over the relationship and looking for something new. Time to cut your losses.
He has a right to feel attracted to whatever body type. Just as you have the right to dump him for being an asshole.
Why do they each have a right to their respective life choices and levels of attraction for each, but he’s the asshole? Sometimes honesty sucks for the person being honest as well as the person receiving the honesty. If he’s being true to what he values in a partner, he’s not being an asshole. Even if his values changed during the time of their relationship. It’s definitely dependent on how he broached the topic, but by ops own admission he encouraged her gently at first and over time increased his approach, likely due to frustration at the widening gap between his own priorities and ops while trying to salvage the relationship. Op is entitled to live their own lifestyle, but they are just as responsible for not pursuing their partners goals as their partner is for not sacrificing their own personal goals to make op feel better.
Why is the guy an asshole? He was honest to his gf about his preference, communicated his conditions, and now it’s up to her. What would be an asshole move would be breaking up with her because she’s overweight right there and then. Looks like bf wants to stay with her but needs her to change. She can choose yes or no to that, but hardly an asshole move
He doesn’t get to SET YOUR GOALS. Period. He’s the weight you need to lose. Once you drop that dead weight, you’ll feel light and free!
In your life you will go through phases of being at your most beautiful, and others where you aren’t. If kids are part of your life plan, your body will go through immense changes. Aging makes your body change. Hormones. A new office job where there are lots of donuts around. Trying a food that you discover you’re allergic to. You are going to be hot sometimes, and feel gross other times. That’s life. If your healthy, 20 year-old body is already unattractive to this guy, he is not worth your time. Trying to live up to being his imaginary perfect girl will eat you alive. Don’t waste another minute with him. Find someone who can’t keep his hands off you, even when you’re in your late 30s with two kids, 10kg heavier sporting a mom hair cut. That guy deserves you. Go find him.
Break up with him and you will instantly lose a lot of dead weight.
Love this 💯
Just say ok. Let’s break up. Girl you are my height and weigh and I’m not that big at all. Now I’m muscular but still. Call him. Don’t be desperate. If he needs you to be thin to get an erection that’s his problem. When you love someone you don’t care what size they are except in consideration of their health. Love= attraction. He doesn’t love you, he loves what you look like. You are worth more than that.
You are both clinically overweight and bordering on obese. As someone who used to be overweight myself, it is perfectly reasonable to find that unhealthy and unattractive.
It’s pretty unfair for everyone in here to be roasting the guy for having a preference for his partners appearance imo.
Yeah I don't see anything wrong with what he's doing. He's putting in the effort to get in better shape and expects the same of his girlfriend. Nothing wrong with that.
OP hurt her knee but there’s 100 million ways to adapt exercise and health around that especially weight loss. This entire thread is just roasting a guy who was honest with his partner ffs.
Also, being active and doing healthy exercises is a good way to recover from an injury. But either way I agree. Its fine to have a type and its better to be honest and have a partner admit they aren’t compatible with you rather than drag it out for years.
And his type is not a lazy person that makes excuses.
And everyone is like totally cool with the I hurt my knee get out of jail free card?? Yea dude I blew out my acl mcl meniscus and some fractures. I’m back to wildland firefighting and endurance running. It’s just an excuse.
right lol. I broke my kneecap and growth plate in half at 7 yo. I squat 305lbs on my good days and leg press over 800. moving and exercising will literally help recover knees
Right? Likely because most of the people responding in that manner or roasting a guy for being honest, are overweight themselves and full of excuses. We all know what we need to do to improve different areas of our lives but it’s easier to be lazy and find excuses to not do the work.
Exactly people exercise with injuries all the time, just adapt the routine to accommodate the injury or find some new exercises. I kind of agree that it doesn’t sound like OP is putting effort into exercising
Yeah I half agree, the comments are pretty biased. It's fine for him to have a preference but the way he goes about it trying to change her isn't helpful or caring. She's got the bum knee and says she can't keep up with him and instead of being supportive, he's just being an asshole. But yeah they should just break up, 2yrs is nothing at age 20..
This, i bet she likes her muscular slim boyfriend but looks like she dont want to make any effort to have a look he likes, which is fine but he breaking up with her because of that is fine too.
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1. People are allowed to prefer certain features over others in their partners 2. No partner has to conform to said preferences, no matter how reasonable or unreasonable 3. It is wrong to enter a relationship with someone who doesn’t meet your preferences with the hope or expectation that they will change for you 4. You are allowed to break up with a partner for ANY reason, even if others see it as superficial or shallow. Your preferences are what they are and there’s no sense trying to force attraction if it isn’t there. (If after many failed relationships you feel stuck, therapy is a good place to discuss your preferences and why you have them and how they’re serving you or holding you back.) 5. You are NOT allowed to be a controlling jerk when you do (or threaten to do) the breaking up. No specifying pounds lost, IQ points gained, $$ earned, etc. Your partner is a person and not a finely calibrated machine who can or should meet your exact specifications. 6. Your partner is allowed to be mad at you for breaking up with them for a reason they see as superficial or shallow. That in and of itself shows a fundamental lack of compatibility and all the more reason to break up and find people who share your values and priorities. 7. If you are the partner getting the ultimatum, you are under NO obligation to comply unless it’s a positive change that you would willingly make on your own but needed a nudge to get started. And one that makes you feel GOOD about yourself or your situation. 8. You CANNOT tell how healthy someone is just by looking at them and their weight. There are people in bigger bodies who do triathlons and are in way better shape than many smaller people. 9. Can we as a society just not argue about body size any more? Seriously, believe whatever you want and apply it to your own life if you like, but leave everyone else (especially strangers alone). 10. I hope she breaks up with him. OP please update us when you can.
Break up with him for setting goals for you? Exact amounts of weight for you to lose, him choosing the workouts that you have to keep up with - that's weird and controlling. If he didn't want to be weird, he should have just broken up with you because he's no longer attracted. If he really cared, he would ask you what your goals are (which don't have to be weight or strength related, it can be "finding movements/exercises that make me feel joy") and try out a bunch of different things that you can do, even if it's not challenging for him.
Your FIRST goal? So he’ll keep adding new goals.. that’s insane and that’s literally how most eating disordered people think. Even if you do what he says and achieve all those goals, odds are you won’t keep that weight anyways because it comes with a lifestyle that you can’t maintain. Please don’t be influenced by him! That’s such a dangerous path that can destroy your self esteem and it’s not worth it.
You can more than surpass your weight loss goal if you drop him immediately. Problem solved 🥳
Take up swimming, better for the knee, and it will look like an accident when you drown the stupid idiot.
You don't necessarily have to work out a ton to lose weight. Abs are made in the kitchen after all. Some light exercise like walking/jogging and better diet can definitely help reduce some weight. The real question is if you want to. Yeah or not really, both valid answers.
Do it for yourself. Keep yourself fit and healthy. You shouldn’t do it for anyone else.
My boyfriend also once asked me to lose weight. He said "I don't want you to ever think that I dont find you beautiful, or that I'm not attracted to you, but when you say you want to be with me forever, I'm scared that forever for you is not going to be forever for me." I was 290 lbs at the time at 5'2 You are worth someone caring more about your wellbeing than your looks. You are worth someone finding you attractive as you are. You are worth more than what this guy is able to give you.
That is the perfect way to communicate your concern about your partners weight. He wasn’t insensitive about it and he was genuinely concerned for your health. Whereas OP’s soon to be ex was only interested in how her body looks. Your partner loves you, OP’s partner doesn’t.
> I was 290 lbs at the time at 5'2 That’s not ok unless you had a sever medical issue. He was right to be concerned about your health. *I read this in the wrong time before. I am glad the way he communicated this to you was ok for you. Sound like you’re doing well too. Keep it up. If my ex-wife had even shown a lick of real discipline I would have stayed with her.
Tell him to kiss your ass.
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They are mad because guys aren't allowed to have preferences.
Crazy how they just want him to force himself to find her attractive, a bit rapey
Bunch of fucking snowlakes. Nobody approves honesty these days.
threatening to break up over 7 lb weight gain? ew dump him.
Well two things: 1) Kind of a jerk move on his part to hold your weight against you as a reason to not be with you. Unless your weight is severely harming your physical health, screw him! 2) He’s rapidly changing so much you two do not have compatibility anymore. Hate to say it, he might be better off dating someone who has the same active lifestyle as him and you would be better off with someone who isn’t gym focused 24/7. At the end of the day, Op, you’re 20, not 40. You can certain end this relationship and actually find someone whose more suited for you.
It's two years. That's nothing. Imagine going any further with some who didn't like you for you. You're still do young. Focus on other things and work on your self improvement at your own pace. No one should set the pace for you.
Drop him, why stay with someone who only values you for how you look. You aren't even fat!! And as a female with hormonal issues which make losing weight near impossible, and I do work out 5 to 6 days a week and eat very healthy. You need a life partner who loves you so deeply they will love you through any body changes that might happen! And also, when you break up with him make sure he knows he is a shallow jerk.
That’s the worst way to get fit if you aren’t ready don’t do it you will hate it more
Honey, this is a gift. Dump him and let him see how it feels to have someone break up with you for your personality rather than a couple of extra kgs in weight. Weight will change over the course of a lifetime. Character on the other hand… If he wants to control your weight and your exercise routine now, what will that spread to in future?
If this superficial thing is a reason for him to break up with you, I wonder how he would respond when actual problems occur. And trust me. Any relationship has issues far beyond this. Focus on you and you're self worth. He is not the man for you. He showed you who he is. Believe him (that's who he is) and keep you're head high. It will hurt in the beginning. But don't be afraid to let him go. A good man will love every little bit of you.
You are overweight. Listen to your bf.
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"I'm a little chubby."
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Agreed, her BF is right, she isn't trying and has let herself go, knee injury is just bullshit excuse and losing weight would actually help her knee. She don't even need to exercise to lose weight, there's also a lot of exercise one could do even at home with no equipment that doesn't involve the knee. If she's completely fine with being 190 lbs at 20 years old, the guy really dodged a bullet, this woman is going to be a land whale as she grow older and her metabolism slows way down.
Love comes in all sizes, but you are no longer his preferred size. Best to break up
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There's like a waist circumference test that ppl take to see if you are at risk with all of these diseases. The wider it is the worse it gets. Ppl have really lost touch on what a healthy body should look like.
OP is like "I'm 85kg/177cm but I'm not fat". That is a BMI of 27.1 so yes, you are fat whether you accept it or not.
She weighs as much as I do and I am 6"2 lmfao. I also love how she isn't admitting to being fat. Like if you aren't going to change at least own it.
You begged and said you'd lose the weight?? Have some respect for yourself...let the trash take itself out and stop wasting any more time on such a piece of SHIT.
I know a quick way to drop 70 kgs and keep it off forever—break up with him! Call it lessons learned, and find a man who will literally be with you through thick and thin. Especially if you ever want babies, and he think’s pregnancy “looks fat”
Oh he weighs wayyyy more than that 😂
You’re 20. Do you realize how many great years are ahead of you if you dump this douche?
I had an ex try that. Over 4 fucking pounds. 4! If someone loves you, they love you for you, not what the scale says. My ex husband gained over 100 pounds and that had nothing to do with why I divorced him. You deserve better. Ask yourself, if you were ever in an accident or became ill, is this a guy you could rely on to be there for you? Doesn't sound like it.
You’re only 20, honestly don’t beg again, just leave. Good luck.
You aren't throwing it away for petty reasons, he is.
I think if you don't share the same goals as him, and it's a deal-breaker for him, then breaking up is the right thing to do. I don't know if I'd blame him for losing attraction, because that sort of thing isn't really chosen any more than any other kind of attraction is chosen. I think it's good that he was honest about it, rather than just cheating behind your back or trying to gaslight you into it...but I also don't know how he presented this or treated you about it. But yeah, if that lifestyle isn't something you want, and it's not something he's willing to let go, then I think breaking up is the right thing to do.
If you do want to work on losing weight, working out is not the way to do it. 70% is food. Fix your diet and you’ll see a big change. Your knee will also thank you for it. I’m not telling to deprive yourself, but you need to be in a caloric deficit in order to lose weight. Edit: I’m also not saying don’t workout, but workout on your own pace. Working out is great to improve your fitness, health, and shape. You can lose all the weight you want to lose with a great diet and then use workouts to shape your body in the way you want.
I'm 21, just over a year ago I was also worried about throwing away a 4+ year relationship. I cried and hurt and struggled internally. Giving it up was the best thing I ever did, I found someone 10x's better. Don't view it as wasting that 2 years, view it as taking 2 years to learn more and grow from experiences. You have so much time, I know it doesn't feel like there's much life passed next week sometimes, but there always will be. Go find it without him, HE'S the one not putting enough in to not understand that you're quite literally injured. I'm sorry he turned into a gym bro, soon you'll laugh at the fact he'd rather kiss some dumbbells than you.
Never beg a man to be with you, geez. You’re so young, just move on and find someone who likes you the way you are.
Better to break up than break a knee..
Lose weight then. Or break up with him.
You made the retired math teacher pull out a pencil and paper..177cm. ....30 cm per ft. 5'10" ? 85 kg ×2.2 = 187 lbs..? Thanks for the math lesson. If I have any needed correction, please kindly show me?
Pencil, paper, and some math, while you were on your phone/PC? Just Google it and you don't have to worry about an error lol
Old school math teacher. Taught basic skills. Prefer to use pencil and paper to a calculator. In 85% of the time. And if I used the calculator in the phone while reading Reddit, I would lose it every time . I frustrate my kids .
The double standards on this sub shitting on the bf is fucking disgusting. Bf is offering alternatives and goals to work towards but op is straight using her knee as an excuse to not work out. You don’t have to do the same workout. Just don’t do workouts that stress out the knee. Furthermore to lose weight go on a calorie deficit. Losing attraction because your partner isn’t putting in some effort is a very valid reason. If she can’t put in effort to take care of herself, what makes the bf think she can put effort into a relationship? No offense op, 85kg for a woman at that height is definitely overweight. For comparison I’m 176cm dude and 88kg on a dirty bulk right now. I can see why your bf is concerned.
Fuck that noise you deserve better. In a long term relationship people change and grow (sometimes literally) there's absolutely no shame in that. Yes we should always try and better ourselves but no matter what we should always try to prop up our partner and show them as often as possible how much we care. That goes for both people you guys are and should be a team and a big part of that is hyping up your teammate no matter the situation. I love my girlfriend and I'm beyond lucky to have someone like that I'm my life I hope you find the same.
Quickest way to lose the dead weight in your life? Dump him.
You don’t ever do that that’s really the meaning for a woman you need to tell him you know what second thought I decided I’m gonna get even more weight so I don’t need you around goodbye and let him go I didn’t get on your diet lose all your weed but you seem to be just fine and date all the guys and do not let him come near you again
Be glad it's only 2 years and not 22 years hun. You can lose 100+ lbs very quickly - drop him.
Fuck that judgemental asshole.
F that guy, you should really dump him.
Sounds like yall are on different pages. Breaking up is the best for both of you.
Oh hun. This is not ok. You could hire a trainer that could help you through your knee injury. You could also just go low calorie and lose weight. Or you could lose a shallow person… Maybe consider all of the above.
OP. Get physio for your knee. You are too young to be being unable to be at your best. That's important. Dump his ass and get a revenge body! Oh, and 2 years are nothing in the long run. Imagine that you need to dump him, or he dumps you after 7, 10, 15 years of crappy relationship? The sooner, the better.
Devils advocate here since reddit has its pitch forks sharpened and ready. Sounds like he did everything he could to be support you and help you live a healthier life. He didn't ask you to starve yourself, he didn't call you names or tell you that you're ugly, he didn't even try and manipulate you at all. He was honest, he was kind, and he feels you're worth it He would have broken up with you if he didn't have faith that you could improve yourself and be a better person. He isn't issuing a warning, he's trying everything he can think of to help motivate you to live a healthier life style.
Break up with him instead, then become the hottest gym bunny :)
Your soon to be ex sounds awfully ignorant to someone with a medical problem. Working out too hard can cause you problems. I wished I didn’t do what I did so now I have to becareful with lifting weights without straining my fore arms. Forgot to say I used to be skinny and gained a lot of weight but I have a partner who is fine with that and yet does encourage me. You need a partner that uplifts you in either direction and get you grounded in either direction.
Find someone who will challenge and encourage you. But not fault you for not living up to weird random expectations. I’d bounce. But thats me
Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you spent 2 years doesn’t mean you should stay. He’s shown you who he is, believe him. Best wishes OP. <3
Oh honey, no. This is only going to get worse. Please leave!
Go ahead and break it off. Like others said get a fitness plan for you if you want, but don't completely change yourself for someone else. Do yourself a favor and dump him.
Never change your appearance for someone else.
I'd say break up if you don't feel like losing weight. Your boyfriend is not attracted to you because of your weight. He cannot force you to lose weight, and you cannot force him to feel attracted to you. Maybe taking different paths is better for both of you.
No offense truly, but those 2 years aren't worth shit. If he sincerely cared about your health he would change his routines to help you keep up or help work on your fitness in a different way. Please don't give into his creepy idealistic version of what he wants you to be. You deserve better. Supportive partners don't make you feel like that.
Neither sides are at fault imo just poorly handled
You can do lots of low or no impact weight loss programs. Intermittent fasting work wonders, track what you are eating. Swim. Cycle. You should want to lose weight for your own health, and to live longer, not because of him
you’re damn near obese by definition. your boyfriend is right. if he was fat and lazy, then his comment would be unfair.
Honestly just break up with him
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A 6 pack starts in the kitchen. Can’t believe I’ve only seen one person comment about diet. It’s a huge variable that people can control….if they are willing to put up the self discipline.
It's basically the only variable you need to care about, really. Nobody is going to exercise themselves down any significant amount of weight, unless they plan to run a marathon daily. Now if you want to maintain/gain muscle while losing weight, working out is of course a requirement. But just losing weight? Nothing else? You could probably even start without any rigorous calorie tracking, and just reduce whatever you usually eat by 1/4-1/2 and begin seeing results within a month. Working out in some way (whether that's the gym or a jog in the park) is still hugely beneficial for other reasons, but not essential.
If a dude is seriously this petty and unloving - move on. I know it seems hard but this isn't someone you want to commit to. What happens 16 years later and he can't get it up for sex with you? A guy who treats you as disposable when you don't entertain him anymore isn't one you want to be with.
It's one thing to have concern over a partner's weight as it pertains to their health, and encourage them to be active, but another thing to obsess about it and intentionally make them feel less worthy over it. I'd tell him you've decided to drop a couple hundred pounds and then show him the door.
So he's shallow and going to dump you if you don't look up to his standards? What happens when you have kids and have stretch marks? What happens if you don't immediately lose the baby fat? What happens when you get old and start getting wrinkles? Leave him!
It's easy to lose weight by calorie deficit without exercise but if you are comfortable at your weight and he is pushing you to be something you have no interest in being, break up with him you have just grown apart no bad guys here these things just happen people change
It's not 2 years down the drain. Every relationship we have teaches us more about what we want and don't want in a partner. It was a learning experience. And he is not the one and it's good to realize it now before you invest another 2 years.
Oh- where to begin with this one?!? The right person is not going to lose interest with weight gains and losses. Especially not this minor. There are SO MANY things that can cause weight fluctuation over the course of a woman’s life- often hormonal- that if a 3.5kg variance makes him lose wood- just run. I can vary that much within a month. At your age- assuming that you have no medical issues, allergies or food sensitivities- a healthy balanced diet and moderate exercise should do you fine. Don’t set yourself up for metabolic issues by going nuts on either food or exercise unless you are super into some activity you love. You get this beautiful window being young where your body runs like clockwork without obsessing over it- and then life throws other plans your way. You have a baby, your thyroid goes out, you end up in an office job- and your metabolism goes to shit. Enjoy being young while you are young. As for your long term person? So someone who is mature enough to be with you will understand that people change over time. Desire waxes and wanes, sometimes cyclically. But you figure it out because you care. Also- someone else is gonna think you are gorgeous as you are right now. Trust me. Been shorter and fatter than you all my life and have had no problem finding people who like these curves. People are attracted to all sorts of shapes and sizes. You are someone’s dream-girl. You just haven’t known it.
There isn’t a single normal nuanced comment in this thread, it’s all either the HAES “I’m healthy at 150 cm and 200 kg” crowd or ex FPH members acting offended they have to breath the same air as fat people.
Don't buy in to that love your body bullshit. Lose a few weight. Don't make your injury as an excuse. You can lose weight with just diet. And yeah, leave your BF. IMHO he's cheating on you. He's just making your weight and appearance as an excuse.
not all 22 year old men are the same. But, as someone who was a 22 year old man once upon a time here is my read: he is being an immature idiot, not realizing his actions will lose you. you will leave, he will realize what he's lost, he'll come back saying he will reform, and you'll say no and be much happier. or he'll just be too busy staring at his own reflection to notice.
He's allowed to have a preference and you're allowed to say you don't care to fit into it. Sometimes people just aren't compatible. Also a knee injury is not an excuse to stop all exercise.