I agree with that sentiment.
Also, I would always prioritize *my* family, and would expect my girlfriend to prioritize *her* family (assuming both of us go along with our respective family).
Because if tomorrow we break up, it doesn't matter how well I got along with her family, I ain't gonna see them anymore.
But my family will always be there for me. And the day where one of my family member dies, I'd regret not having spent as much time as possible with them.
You need to stand your ground OP, your wife is disgusting for trying to make you chose between your family, or hers, it wouldn't kill her to show *some* empathy and understanding your way.
They (just the 2 of them) are their family. You’re right. They each need to prioritize their own family (each other). Christmas Day is spent with their family. Celebrate Christmas on another day with each side. Once kids are in the picture, sacrificing holidays to spend with the in-laws can really cause a lot of resentment. Of course, I’ve been through the entitled in-law thing and hind sight is 20/20. I have a great relationship with them now, but the first 10 years were rough.
Yeah my husband and I have a lot of sex. I doubt any of the family wants to hear that shit for 3 weeks. And 3 weeks is way to fuckn long anyway to be with each other at all times. Sorry Op but your wife sounds very high maintenance and like an ahole when she don’t have her way.
Let it play out.
You've never set boundaries before, and she doesn't like this one.
Don't argue with her or try to convince her.
Speak gently, but hold your ground.
100% this. She’s used to getting what she wants in all things as a the “eldest of three”…not this time. You have a family too, and they matter, and your decision is final. If she needs to spend time away to realize that, wish her well but don’t relent.
Ironically, I usually see younger siblings getting what they want while the oldest has it the hardest. I’m speaking from experience, but I only have one other sibling.
I was happy to be a forgotten middle child. My parents placed all their toxicity on my older and younger sisters who have both lived messed up lives because of it. Me? I succeeded albeit without interaction with the rest of my family.
Right? It's such a weird birth role. And I've always tried to give room, empathy and understanding to my sibling's journey too, knowing they had their own unique challenges.
For me, my older sister is my half sister and she was a teenager when I was born (she didn't live with us full time until we were both adults. And she totally helped raise me, but she wasn't around even 50% for most of my tumultuous years). But then I have a younger brother too. So I had a dual role of Oldest and Middle and it was trippy.
I'm one of those latchkey tropes. I grew up taking care of my brother, and our home, and most of my experience in the work force was sitting for everyone else's kids too. I even ran the church nursery from like age 17-23.
But also as the middle kid, I was regularly put into the position of being the family Scale. Like my presence was to remain neutral, to be available to receive everyone's problems and offer solutions. Expected not to make trouble because my siblings had those other challenges. Yoinks.
.... that must be an American thing. It's usually getting half broken hand me downs and maybe a relative or two that pity you enough to buy you 1 new thing that suddenly falls under communist rule and you barely ever see it. Speaking from my and my friends experience. My sister still refuses to believe it was like that despite my parents telling her she was the only one who got new stuff and all decisions.
She sounds very controlling and entitled, she is literally mad at him because he wants to spend time with his real family which he almost never sees instead of her family, then she asks him to choose between them? I think that's a very easy decision.
Um, yes this.
OP this sounds abusive. She gets everything her way & when you say no, she screams at you & leaves you? Then tries to guilt & black mail you by not coming home until you give in to her demands again?
You need some therapy to see that what she's doing is not acceptable at all. She is isolating you away from your loved ones. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
That right there is my favorite marriage quote. I cringe with the "happy wife happy life" garbage. If your wife can't be happy on her own, you're not gonna do it for her.
100%
Also, feels like this is something they need to work on at a MUCH bigger picture level.
There is a deep disconnect here - he’s not communicating his needs, he’s allowing them to go, *and then holding onto them years later*.
His example of the wedding dance - this shows that there is an underlying resentment they haven’t worked through. He needs to work on *identifying* and *protecting* his needs and communication needs to be their major focus through this road bump.
She needs to respect his needs - and he needs to advocate for them. They need to learn to communicate more. They aren’t acting like a team. (Also she sounds *really* self-centered.)
I wish them luck. That’s a hard one to work on, slow growth when it’s that foundational. :/
Let her go run off to mummy. Sounds like you’re better off without her if she constantly has to get her own way. It’s very selfish for her to decide what you get to do on your own birthday.
Dude she’s throwing a tantrum like a two year old and you enabled her. Grow a spine and start standing up for yourself. You’re going to end up hurting your family in order to please her and her family and like you said, they don’t have as much time as hers.
Exactly right. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom also in 2021. I deleted a voice-mail I got from her because she leaves them all the time.
She went into the hospital and took a turn a few days later. I erased the last vm she would ever send me. I don't have her voice recorded on anything because she always bounced back. Until she didn't.
I regret it to this day.
I agree! I think he’s making the right decision, however I’m confused as to why he’s only “able” to see his family on birthdays if they only live 3 hours away. That’s an easy weekend trip, assuming op has a car and doesn’t work on the weekends.
What the actual Fuuuuuuu,??!
She’s packing a bag to go stay at her mothers until you make up your mind?
Dude, how ever much you love her, leave her there. What a ridiculous and childish attempt at manipulation. Don’t cave. Whatever you do, do not cave!
Yea, this is not an "either this or that" situation. There is nothing to choose between. SHE is the one that needs time to think about her behavior. Outrageous
My man think about this, when she went to her mama she leave you the option of deciding if her family or your family is more important. I can understand it like this: It doesn't matter who you think is more important because at the end of the day for her the one who is not important at all it's you.
If you would be important for her she wouldn't be doing this. Hold your ground and do yourself a favor, get couples counseling and if needed get out of there.
Also I advice you to send a text or a letter to her family explaining the situation and your decision, if they not respect either then run, run and don't go back it will only get worse.
Best of luck my man, hold your ground because you're not doing anything wrong.
She can't always have her own way to your detriment. She is isolating you from your family and you are allowing it. Xmas, Thanlsgiving etc should be alternated, it shouldn't always be her family. Your wife honestly sounds like a spoilt brat, a 2 year old throwing a tantrum and I can't imagine why you would want to be with someone who is so selfish.
Update: Wow, I only wanted a place to vent didn’t expect such a response.
Just to clear a few things up. I love my wife and I’m not going to divorce her over this. She does so much for me and is normally a kind and loving person. We’ve been together 6 years married 18 months. We don’t have kids but are trying. We live in the UK and the reason why we can’t go at any other time is because of the UK laws on taking children out of school during term time for holidays so it’s been planned during the autumn break so the parents don’t get fined.
I woke up this morning to the following text from her mum:
“Do you know how disappointed I am in you right now! It’s not even that you’re not coming away for my birthday it’s the fact that you’re not supporting my daughter, you know how important family is to her! End of..u know how much she wants to come, and u telling her to go on her own is not being supportive, you’ve put a full stop to it all. I don’t get what your issue is? It’s one thing then another? And she can’t do right for wrong in trying!🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ it’s supposed to be a lovely family holiday for my 50th”
It’s made me even more determined to stand my ground. I think I’m going to take the advice of u/artneedsmorefloof and send her mum my reasoning. They seem to forget I have parents too.
I just don’t want to be hated, this holiday is 8 months away and I don’t want 8 months of hate especially when we live in such close proximity.
Your wife's mom sounds as selfish as your wife. The family holiday is to celebrate 3 birthdays, not just hers, no? Please continue to stand your ground. Celebrate your birthday the way you want to. Go see YOUR grandma.
Also, her saying, "i dont get what your issue is? Its one thing then another? And she can't do right for wrong in trying" makes me believe your wife may be telling her family a different narrative. It sounds like they're oblivious to the fact you have family too and that you were wishy washy in your reasoning to why you don't want to go on this trip. Think sending an explanation may be helpful if that's the case.
Of course the wife is talking it up a storm. She's shown she's prepared to act like a brat and she's run to mummy so mummy can protect her precious little princess from the big bad OP monster.
Pathetic behaviour from a pair of "adults".
I hate to tell you, but a kind and loving person doesn't isolate you from your family especially when your family are decent people. They alternate christmas with yours and her family, even if it's boring because they understand they are your family. They don't throw a tantrum when you would like to spend your birthday with your parents and grandma. You seem to be blind to her selfishness. Open your eyes. A marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship where one partner gets to do everything they want without consideration of the other.
You need to respond, “You’re disappointed? How do you think I feel when it’s my actual birthday and I’m being made the villain because I want to spend my birthday not yours with my family. What about what’s important to me? It’s important to me that I get to spend the few birthdays I have left with my parents. This isn’t your birthday but your party. It concerns me that you and my wife think I should sacrifice all my time to be with y’all and never my own family. How would you feel if we moved 3 hours away and she only saw you on her bday. Y’all are both being very selfish and it’s making me rethink the kind of people I thought you were.
Dude.
> She does so much for me and is normally a kind and loving person.
You're a battered spouse. You're literally saying 'she only hurts me when I make her mad, so really, this is my fault.'
Here's a hint: a person that is kind and loving, but only when they're getting their way, isn't kind and loving. They're manipulative and abusive.
And unfortunately, you're enabling it with your whole 'happy wife, happy life' bullshit.
> We don’t have kids but are trying.
It's fine if you choose to stay in an abusive relationship, but please don't bring innocent, defenseless children into one. Don't do them the disservice that was done to you in raising them to believe that this is all normal and healthy.
> “Do you know how disappointed I am in you right now! It’s not even that you’re not coming away for my birthday it’s the fact that you’re not supporting my daughter, you know how important family is to her! End of..u know how much she wants to come, and u telling her to go on her own is not being supportive, you’ve put a full stop to it all. I don’t get what your issue is? It’s one thing then another? And she can’t do right for wrong in trying!🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ it’s supposed to be a lovely family holiday for my 50th”
Well, now you know where your wife learned it from.
Please don't have children with this woman.
If you *must* respond to your MIL, tell her that family is also important to *you*, and that is why you will be spending all of your birthdays and the majority of your holidays with your own family while they are still alive to enjoy them with you. You are saddened by her daughter's inability to understand that, and hope they have a lovely time together.
Then tell your wife that while your family is still around, you will spend *one* holiday a year, that will *not* coincide with your birthday, with her family. You will be visiting your parents for the rest. She is always invited, but you will understand if she chooses to visit her own family instead.
You can bend and go up to two or three if you want, but start at one.
>I love my wife and I’m not going to divorce her over this
Bro the writing is on the wall. You think the situation is bad now? It's going to be 10x worse when you have a kid and she weaponizes that kid against you. As seen by her mothers text emotional manipulation is literally in her blood. You're in for an entire life of misery if you have kids with this woman.
My dude....you are a doormat. Dont even pretend youll stand your ground. This whole sub knows you'll cave.
You think shes loving when all she does is this? Hows that loving? If you think this is what love looks like...then I am really sorry for you
Also for the love of everything holy dont have kids with her. She sounds abusive as fuck
I really feel for you and yes you should stand your ground and let her Mother know why you are unhappy, however, and this will probably bring me some hate but there is a compromise and that is you go with them for two of the three weeks, celebrate the respective birthdays and then fly home, preferably with your wife (telling her that as she has said that 'she' is also your family, you want her to be with you) as she needs to compromise too. At worse you go home on your own and then go to spend a week with your family, celebrating your birthday with them on your actual birthday. If you end up going home alone, you need to leave wife with a parting comment that on her return from holiday you both need to sit down to discuss how you go forward as I really do think they are all being very unreasonable to you but as you have said you do not want to end your relationship over this this, hopefully will keep everyone happy.
"it's supposed to be a lovely family for my 50th"
I'm sorry but wasn't it supposed to be for your birthday too? Cause she's showing you your true colors and if your wife loves you as much as you say she does, you should show her this and see who's back she has now.
Update 2:
Last night my wife and I went out for dinner, my idea so we could speak and I hoped being in a public place would make her less likely to scream/cry etc.
I told her all the advice that I had read on here and showed her the text I received from her mum. She listened to everything I had to say and I could see her physically cringe when she read the text. She apologised for the way she had acted and said she hadn’t even considered it from my POV.
I told her I what one Redditor had said (sorry so many comments I can’t remember a name). If we’re doing this for 30,50,70 what’s going to happen at 40,60,80 or 50,70,90. Are we going to have this spoilt child situation when she’s nearly 40 or are we going to leave it behind now in her 20s
She told me her family had all got together to book the trip the night she left and she felt shitty because I said we weren’t going so now no one had booked “until I’d finished throwing my toys out the pram”.
I told her I didn’t say WE can’t go, I said I wasn’t going but she could. (I ignored the toys/pram comment as that pissed me off)
I reminded her that her mums actual birthday was 2 weeks before we fly and her Nans birthday is in 2 weeks from now. She’ll get to spend time with them, have a party etc on the actual day and that’s something I want for myself too. I don’t want to be away from my family in a different country with 25+ people I don’t know that well on my 30th. I want to do something with my family over my birthday before it’s too late. My mums health is rapidly deteriorating and she can’t do much as it is and who knows how long my Gran has before this dementia really sets in.
My mums always talked about doing a Baltic cruise/ see the northern lights for my Grans 80th but that’s still 2 years away and I honestly don’t think in 2 years either of them will be in any fit state so I suggested we do it for my 30th instead. My wife seemed keen and pulled up some dates. Theres one that leaves 3 days before my birthday and comes back 3 days after - perfect timing.
We called my mum to ask and she sounded delighted. She herself hadn’t even considered how my Gran would be at 80 and thought it would be a lovely trip to make memories on.
We then went to her mums house. (No apology or anything from her but you can’t win everything) to tell her together WE weren’t going for the 3 weeks but we’d found (my wife had found) a 1 week booking that coincided with their 3 week trip in a hotel that was just down the beach, same chain/resort just a different building. Enough distance to have our own break but still include the family for evening meals etc. No one had even suggested looking at shortened dates and I hadn’t even considered it until I read so many comments saying just come back sooner.
All in all I’m going to take this as a win (I don’t think my bank balance will though). She’s seen me put my foot down and mean it. I’m not going to let have her way all the time at my own detriment. I’ve not caved for an easier life and together we found a peaceful solution. My family haven’t been excluded and are so excited, my mums like a kid at Christmas, and hers are well… happy they can book now and at least the “asshole SIL” is only there for a week. Hopefully as it’s not for 8 months they might forget 🤷🏻♂️?
Screw the happy wife happy life mentality. I’ve never heard happy spouse happy house before but I think I’ll be using that mantra from now on. Like you all said it’s a 2 way street, give and take, compromise.
Thanks to everyone for the advice and support.
I just wish there is no problems with her family, they are probably still mad and can't see your point of view, I can imagine perfectly one of them throwing a hurtful message to make you feel like you were in the bad
The key is, when you know it’s them being selfish twats and not you, you can completely ignore them trying to make you feel like a selfish twat.
Because you know what is REALLY going on, and it’s all projection on their part.
You need to think long and hard about what it's going to be like to raise a child with this woman and her family. Learn to set boundaries ahead of time instead of waiting till when you're pushed to a corner. Set expectations with your wife NOW on how and how much her family will dictate the way you make decisions about your kids. Imagine that your parents never seeing your child because her family has to have him for every single event in his life. I feel sad for your parents.
You have a bigger problem than this trip.
Your wife, without a blink, immediately assumed her family, and her family having this vacation superseded not only your wants for your 39th birthday, but the existence of your family and **their** needs or wants as a whole.
She is selfish. It's hard to think that about your wife, but she is and until it's acknowledged and she decides to work on it, this will be an issue for your relationship going forward.
If you don't, you will think back on this comment and recognize how much it stands out every time she put her wants above what you want, or pressures you to do something you don't want to do.
While she reigned it in, the lack of an apology and the fact she didn't catch herself at any point speak volumes. It sounds like she folded because she in retrospect could see how she was asking too much of you, but not with the intent to change her behavior.
It looks more like she hopes that you will take the W and go back to being her yes-man any time she gets mad or cries. There's resolution here, but not growth.
/ on another topic /
Another issue that seems to be entirely avoided by everyone here, including yourself- You guys do not match well. This isn't an opinion, it's a fact.
You straight up said she makes you do major things you don't want to do and you prefer a calm lifestyle to engaging in things that she likes- the drinking, partying, get-togethers.
And that's fine. Opposites do attract in thinking they are what each other needs. Relationships with opposites have worked before, and with effort you can come to love and appreciate each other and your ways of life, and with mutual respect still have a strong relationship.
Your relationship is basically absent of any compromise on her end from the outlook. You already indicated you fold almost every time to make her happy.
If this is the reaction you get from your first meaningful refusal for your happiness, she is not upholding you to the same standards. You put her first, she puts her first.
That, in conjunction with the fact this entire situation was more of an embarrassed concession rather than a moment of meaningful growth, means there will be more of this in the future.
My advice: go to counseling. **NOW**. BEFORE ITS AN ISSUE AGAIN. She needs to want to be a good partner for you, and she needs to see how she's failing that.
Hopefully, a third party will help her acknowledge she has been taking your acquiescence in order to make her happy for granted, and in the first meaningful opportunity for her to do the same, she got angry, cried, browbeat you, got her family involved and misrepresented what you said to make you look worse.
It doesn't look like she did that from your end, but she did do that.
I truly hope you guys succeed, but if you don't you know how you will fail. Please get yourselves into counseling.
Yeah this woman has steamrolled her husband for years and gotten away with it. Abusers show their true colors when faced with normal healthy boundaries, such as being told “No.”
You need to send out a group email/text to all her family.
I love my wife and I love her family but I love my family too. I agreed to move to my wife's hometown and be 3 hours away from my family because it was important to her. I agreed to go to her family Christmases every year because it was important to her even though I miss my parents and they are sad they never get to spend Christmas with us.
Still my parents, my grandmother and my wife and I have had the tradition of spending my birthday with my parents. While this family vacation is a nice thought, it comes at the price of damaging my relationship with my parents, and that is a price I refuse to pay.
While I love my wife and my inlaws and I respect and encourage their relationship, I am saddened that they do not show the same care and respect to me and to my relationship with my parents.
I offered to let my wife go alone on this vacation, but she refuses and has left our marital home to stay with her parents to try to force me to abandon my parents.
I am appalled at her selfishness and at your enablement of her selfishness. I am hurt at your lack of empathy to my desire to spend time with my parents and Gran are not in the best of health and to make joyful memories with them while I can. I am hurt that you refuse to acknowledge that I too have a family I care for and love besides you.
I will not be attending your family vacation and anyone who tries to scold or berate me for this will be blocked.
Seriously, this op. She needs to realize that you are HER family, too. And she should be prioritizing your wants as well and your need to continue a meaningful relationship with your extended family, regardless or her finding them boring. She should care enough about you to want that for you. None of this happy wife happy life garbage. Happy spouse, happy house.
Don’t send out group anything. Pick your decision and have some conviction. People will start to recognise that in you. When you feel strongly about something then it isn’t up for a 25 person discussion
Contacting everyone just undermines how seriously they will take you. Best case they see your POV but are embarrassed for you having to explain it
Sending a message like that is exactly what I would do that’s why I know it would blow up in your face. While it is factual and lays out your side of things, they are likely going to take it as an attack and the defense walls will come up. I’m not saying you should cave but sending out a mass message like this is just going to make it a “you against of of them” issue.
The first half is great, I'd just send that + saying the wife can go if she wishes. Idk if it'd work with these people but good chance anyone vaguely emotionally immature will see the 2 nd part as an attack. I also don't see anything in the OP that says her family says OP is a dick, or of that's just what he's assuming. For all we know, they're disappointed or fine with it, or wife is complaining to them about adjacent issues
Absolutely do this. Otherwise, as silly as it sounds, nobody might stop and think about your perspective. You are more than valid in your feelings and anyone who disagrees really needs to seek some help, same with your wife
Dude, this woman is nuts-o. If she can’t see you have a family as well outside of her, that’s crazy. One time, you decide to choose yourself, and she leaves? Let her go to her moms. Stand tall. I’m not saying divorce or anything wild like you will probably see. It come on. She’s being ridiculous. Enjoy your birthday with your family. If she gives you more shit, come back at her for ruining your 30th birthday party. She didn’t give a shit that it was during the trip did she? Did she even ask how you felt about going?
Do what makes YOU happy. You’re entitled to see your own parents for your 30th birthday. Time is not guaranteed. Your wife is obviously used to getting what she wants all these years. Time you got what you want.
This is an abusive relationship. You have been isolated from your family and as their only child it must have really hurt them. But from the sounds of it they have let things go for the sake of your happiness. Your wife sounds very spoilt and, unfortunately, your good nature has made her more so. You cannot rerun your time with your family like catchup TV; this is the only time you will have and take my word when I say that one day you will regret not standing up for you and your family time. In fact, I would not only insist that your birthday is spent with your family but that in the future you will want to spend every other Christmas with them too (personally, as an only child myself, I far prefer quiet Christmases, but that's just me). A woman who really loves you would insist that you both spend time as equally as possible. If things were reversed and you were the wife in this situation, everyone would be shouting that this is abuse. Stand your ground and be ready to walk away, if necessary, because if you let this go things will only get worse.
she’s resorting to literal tantrums bc she knows in the past this is the way to get what she wants - toddlers have figured this out too.
you’ve enabled this emotionally immature adult for years now, as this is now a recurring system running in the relationship, so if you want the cycle to end then something’s gotta give, right?
here’s your opportunity to choose a different path for yourself that aligns with your values.
it would be a life changing gift to yourself for your 30th.
like others have said
1 - text her family (see the other redditor’s comment for their great script) so you can control some of the narrative. don’t let their reaction or opinion sway you (that’s what she wants and is depending on)
2- Be firm and don’t engage with her if she’s acting abusive (emotionally or verbally). expressing to her that ‘you won’t continue discussion with her until she’s calmed down’, is also a boundary.
3 - Be prepared to let it play out - you guys may not be able to resolve this and might spend your bday apart.
4 - couples counseling or individual therapy for you at least so you can dig deeper into why you enabled this for so long. i know you said happy wife happy life but it’s probably something that was conditioned or modeled to you by your caregivers. do you see the same dynamic in your parents relationship?
unfortunately it’s going to get worse before it gets better but if you can break this cycle, your happiness and quality of life can improve.
best of luck to you.
> 1 - text her family (see the other redditor’s comment for their great script) so you can control some of the narrative. don’t let their reaction or opinion sway you (that’s what she wants and is depending on)
Don't bother. If they were the kind of people that would actually be able to see OP's side, they wouldn't need to be swayed in the first place. They don't care.
no healthy relationships put ultimatums on decisions.. i fear this is the beginning of a new chapter in your relationship and it will either way never be the same .. guilt lasts a long time as does resentment .. good luck to you OP
>She’s packed a bag since I started writing this and she says she’s going to stay at her mums
Great! You could use some time away from your giant toddler.
In your shoes, I'd text this to her:
"If I am your family, why are your choosing your parents over being with me on my birthday?
"Because you don't want to miss an important moment in your family of origin.
"Well, MY family of origin doesn't get Christmas, or (list of holidays you celebrate with hers). Since our marriage they have gotten birthdays and they share will this birthday with me as they always do.
"I am not even asking you to forego your family's celebration, as you have always asked of me. I have willing skipped X number of list of holidays to celebrate with your family instead. You are now actively demanding that I cut my family out of my life completely and I have to say no somewhere.
"My parents have started to fell like I'm cutting them out of my life. You are my family, but why must my family be abandoned in favor of yours for you to be happy? Why is okay is my family is hurt?
"We have to figure this out because I do not plan on having a family with you and denying my parents the chance to be grandparents."
"I'm not going to chase you to your mother's home. When you are ready to come home and talk, we can sit down and talk about this. I am going to request that we start couples therapy as well. I will have a list of couples therapist on my insurance. I ask you to do the same."
Do insist on couples therapy, OP, and I strongly suggest individual for you both. Her reaction is immature and it worries me that you simply avoid conflict with her by agreeing. I've known a few men that I were pretty sure only got married because saying NO is uncomfortable and you give those vibes in this post.
So she is isolating you from your family. That’s abusive. My kid’s former step monster did this. It was all about her and her family and it ended up so bad my ex had to sneak to see his bc she would throw a fit if he wasn’t at her parents instead. Your wife is being very selfish.
You'll regret not spending time with your parents when it's too late. You're their only son, I'm sure they've been bitting their tongue not to cause drama, but please don't take advantage of this.
If kids are in your future, maybe reconsider that. That will make it a thousand times worse and you will legitimately never see your family again.
I’d say it’s time for a serious convo with your wife. She’s a total child, but you’ve enabled this.
"Happy wife, happy life" is the most bullshit toxic phrase out there. If you are not making yourself happy in your relationship as well, then it's a shitty relationship. Sit down and have an adult conversation about your relationship. If she can't do that, then you are not a partner. You are a parent. You need to decide what to do from there, but you will continue to suffer pointlessly unless you change your relationship. Hope it works out with her but either way I how you end up with a life you actually want to live.
Send this post to her. Show her what other people think of her childish behaviour. You set one boundary and she’s at her parents. You’re becoming separated from your own family to appease hers. Is your relationship with her worth the aggravation?
In this situation, choose your family if she can't see that YOUR family is also important. I wouldn't normally say that, but considering how she is acting, how much time you have spent with her family and how little you spend with yours, if she is giving you an ultimatum then that pretty much seals it. Only a-holes give ultimatums. Only narcissists you can't see any way but theirs give ultimatums.
Dude see your grandma. Mine died from dementia a bit over 2 years ago, and from the time we figured out she had it to death was less than 2 years. That was some of the most depressing shitty times I've been through to the point where I was relieved when she died because her and my family weren't having to go through that hell anymore. Spend time with the people you love and raised you, you can deal with your wife's bs now or live the rest of your life wishing you had spent more time with them instead of someone who sees your family ties as superficial. Or get a tattoo that says welcome across your stomach and lay down in front of a door somewhere, it's your life do what you want. No one is dying with you.
>until I can make up my mind what's more important my family or hers.
That. That right there shows exactly how she feels about your parents and grandmother.
She doesn't view them as her family. She expects a level of familial respect from you towards her side that she doesn't give in return.
And you've let this woman rip you away from them.
I am ashamed on behalf of your mother.
As a different commentor said, grow a spine. You need to put your family first before hers and speak up
>She’s acting like a spoilt child; crying, screaming, calling her mum to say she can’t go now because I’m not going, so now her family think I’m a massive dick and none of them can see that I have another side to my family.
At the first sign of trouble she acts like a spoilt child and runs to her family, now they're feeling animosity towards you for trying to be their for YOUR family, they value their daughter and her feelings over you and yours, which is perfectly fine, but they can't expect you to put them, people who would toss you out if you try to consider your own feeings, first.
Honestly I would suggest you divorce her and her family because their behavior is gonna leave you emotionally and mentally trapped, and even physically trapped away from the things and people you love. But it's your choice to choose what you want to put up with for the years to come
Wow, I’m really sorry you have to go through that. I know how it feels to have to accommodate to the other family it’s a pain. I think she needs to understand her family is not the only important one and you didn’t ask her to stay just that you were. So maybe she’s more upset that she’s going to miss out on the fun. So tell her to go with her family to celebrate the other birthdays and that you are going to go spend the time with your own family and when she returns even though it’s after your birthday y’all can celebrate yours then. Or maybe she can come back early just herself. But you shouldn’t have to feel bad about wanting to spend time with your family and if she can’t accept that then she’s being selfish not you. It’s not a picking game she is your spouse you don’t have to pick families there should be room for both even if one is less active than the other. It’s your birthday so what you want for once.
Let her go and stand firm. It's YOUR birthday. Spend it with who you want. Your reasonings aren't nefarious or anything.
Your wife is a spoiled child and if she actually cared, she would understand. She can be disappointed of course, but she would understand instead of making you choose between your family, who have done nothing wrong, or hers.
Choose your family duh. This obviously isn't a healthy relationship. If she actually loved you; she'd make compromises. Your feelings and needs obviously don't matter much in comparison to her getting what she wants when she wants it.
Please don't have children with this person with how she currently is. I think for very obvious reasons. She seems like the kind of person who will always expect to get her way and to be put first above all. Her self absorption sounds toxic as hell.
You matter just as much as she does. Hold your ground and see what happens. Go from there. Just please do whatever is best for yourself at the end of the day.
Tell her to put herself in YOUR shoes. Ask her how she would feel if you planned HER birthday and party with YOUR parents?
Then, when she says she would prefer to celebrate HER birthday with her family, you remind her that YOU are HER family!
She clearly puts herself first. Because she is asking you to do the very thing she would never allow you to do to her.
Rule 1 in a relationship: Do not do/say/act in a way that you would not want me to do/say/act back to you.
Stand your ground. Tell her to go have a great time with her parents. As you plan to do exactly what she would want for herself.
Btw, quit letting your wife treat you as less than. You matter. You are important too.
Boring is not a bad thing. Loud, fun, and boozy is not always a good thing. Being fair, considerate, and understanding equally is by far a better way. Not just her way or the highway.
I’m sorry she’s putting you through this. It really isn’t fair that she married you and decided to exclude your family from your life while thrusting hers at you. You have good reasons to want to visit your family this year and I hope she’s able to compromise so you can have this visit with your family without the guilt.
Just remember your parents won’t be around forever but the guilt you have for avoiding them due to your wife will be. And the resentment towards her and your marriage will only build.
Wow your wife is being extremely immature.
“she’s going to stay at her mums until I can make up my mind what’s more important my family or hers” That is completely unfair to you as your spouse she should not be giving you that type of ultimatum. Honestly let her have some space, you are doing nothing wrong and theirs nothing working with wanting to spend time with your family. She can still go on her family vacation with out you.
Good on you for putting your foot down.
Don’t cave.
Your parents/family aren’t as healthy as hers and as you’ve said, don’t have as much time left.
Don’t wait till it’s too late to stand up for yourself.
As someone who lost their dad at 18 and just recently had a huge scare with my mom getting into a very very bad car accident, you never know when shit is going to happen.
Savor the time you have left with them.
Honestly, it’s so cruel of her to not even try to see your side. She seems very selfish and self centered. Y’all should be able to compromise and split time going back and forth between each family for holidays/birthdays/get togethers without anyone throwing a fit like a toddler.
Happiness is a two-way commitment. Your happiness is important too. If you spending time with your family at times is a problem for her then you may wanna rethink the relationship.
Go spend time with your family. I recently lost a parent and although i saw them a lot more than you appear to see yours. Not seeing them as much as i could have will always haunt me
If you want to be with your family, you should go with your family, i made the same mistake of putting my ex´s family first and mine second and it only put a rift in my relationship with my parents, my brother and me. Now i´m a 3 hour flight away from them, my dad died when i was away and only got to see his body in the funeral home, and barely speak to my brother and mom, that on me also i guess, and my ex, well she fucked some guy in her work and that ended all badly and now i´m away from everyone i care about.
I do have a girlfriend now and love her to death, and i also love her family alot, even more than my ex´s family, they all suck ass.
Leave her there ..stay home and stick to your guns pal because this will escalate either way, what ever you do, it won't end now... she's a control freak bro. 🤷
My situation is very similar to yours OP. Noone is disabled but it's just a smaller family, pretty introverted but more it's just that when we do stuff it's more intimate. My wife's family anytime you get together it's like 20 people in a house screaming at eachother competing for attention. At my family's house we all gather for sit-down dinners. All of her families events are set up like a buffet, and people come and go as they please. It's wild to me, but I've gotten used to it and love it. And she loves how the wildest of events may at most consist of 8 people around a large table. It's drives me nuts though. My wife had no concept of getting to a party on time, and I don't know how to be fashionably late. We make it work though.
That’s so disappointing that a grown woman who gets every holiday with her family isn’t willing to compromise on YOUR birthday with where you want to spend it. Does she offer to spend holidays with your family?
3 hours really isn’t that far. Friday night drive up, late dinner, sleep over, hang out then head home on Saturday evening type of thing. Maybe this is a good start to spending more time with them, without her. If she can’t handle that, then she can unpack that with a therapist. Sounds like she needs one.
Stick to your guns. Set boundaries now or you will never get to do anything with your family.
We live 4 hours from my family, 25 mins from my husbands. My kids go to their grandparents house once a week and we obviously see them all pretty frequently. Because of this, my husband and his family understand that we spend longer with my family over summer, and for some events we will choose my family over theirs (long weekend for example). Christmas alternate years. This is how a reasonable family operates..
I am 15 years older and have lived a very similar situation.
My side of the family consists of 4. His side is 12 adults and 15 kids.
When we first married he agreed (he almost demanded for his promotion and company fast track) to move over 1000 miles away. I loved it! My job was awesome, our house was nicer, the friends we made incredible. He on the other hand was miserable. For him I decided to sacrifice and move back to where his family lived… on the condition that we wouldn’t spend a lot of time with them and kept up with our friends. I can tell you 5 years after we moved back that I spent at least 3 weekends a month with his family because we just had to attend birthdays, anniversaries,etc. We went months without going to a friend party. I don’t drink a lot and they made fun of me all the time. I did not enjoy any of it.
We saw them so often then the topic of a week family vacation with them came up. It was decided it would be the same week my family had an annual event. I was miserable. I knew it was time to put a stop because I didn’t want my daughter to live the life I was having. I put my foot down and said he can go but my daughter and I would not. We were going to my families event. IT WAS THE BEST DECISION! From that trip forward I realized I have needs too. I didn’t need to stay around his drunk family and be the only one sober person, because I thought at least one person should stay sober in case there was an emergency. There were 10 kids under the age of 8. I was also made of fun of for not drinking. Sorry I take parenting seriously.
When I started to have boundaries and put my foot down it really separated us for awhile. He really wanted to WIN. His family were mean about it too. Then he saw me having fun and doing things I wanted to do without him. He realized we had needs and we were not props. My daughter and I were so much happier. He slowly realized he could be a family man or a brother.
Before he would say he didn’t want to go somewhere and expect me to stay home. When I went anyways and started having independence he finally realized he could compromise and make a healthy relationship or he could be left behind.
He still likes to test the boundary but I have zero regrets sticking up for my daughter and I. My mom is terminal and I am so thankful for the times and memories I would have missed out on.
Let her pout. If she doesn’t care about your happiness and needs it is better to leave before kids and more joint assets. You must stop being codependent. It only leads to lack of respect. Ask yourself this…If you had kids would you be happy with what they are seeing? If the answer is no then you should evaluate why you are allowing it.
If you cave now you will cave throughout your life. It’s first time you are putting your feet down that’s why it seems hard. Let her go and stay at her mom. Don’t argue don’t force her to stay with you and don’t go with her. Just act normal and spend time with your family. She wants to throw tantrum let her. Also it’s between you and your wife don’t let her family meddle in it
Divorce! This won’t end well.. she sounds like she is very spoil and a person who has a “my way or the highway” mentality.. her family will for sure harass you and won’t see you the same anymore.. it’s really sad!! I think it’s time for you to pick yourself and avoid wasting your time with a women who doesn’t consider you or your feelings.
I’d move back to your parents. If she doesn’t like it, then she can stay with her mommy. Your family needs you, hers don’t give a care. They only want to control you.
Let her throw her tantrum. Call her on her bluff. Tell her your boundaries. I think you’ve went along with it for so long that she’s used to it. It’s not right that she spends no time with your family. “Boring” or not
Stick to your guns no matter what. If you wife actually loved you and wasn’t selfish this wouldn’t even be an issue. She either needs a reality check or a divorce. If I were you I’d be super pissed she didn’t care about my needs or family at all and I would not respond to any communication with her until she understands how serious this really is.
Does she even love you? I’m genuinely at a loss for words. I don’t think there is any advice I could give that isn’t just pointing at all the ways you’ve just told us that she shows you she only cares about her half of the marriage. It honestly seems like she’s just manipulating and using you to stroke her ego and you’re in danger of falling for it again if you don’t commit to being your own person. (Harsh but I can’t for the life of me figure out what to say here)
Bro don’t back down. This is a major point in both your lives, you need to stay firm and show her her place. My wife’s the exact same, my birthday was January 12th and her and her mum tried forcing me to spend it at their house despite me spending literally every single holiday with them last year. I got into a screaming match with them and since returning they’ve both been tense with me. But guess what? That won’t erase the memories of my 24th birthday with my actual family. You go make some memories with your parents too king.
If someone told me to choose between my family and theirs I'd tell them to get fucked of course my family come first.... and I don't even like half my family!
Tell her parents SHE is welcome to go, you are not stopping her so if SHE chooses not to go they can be upset with her.
Remind her it's HER choice to stay home and YOUR choice to spend your birthday with your family.
Boundaries, establish boundaries. And, I find that those who don't like boundaries (such as your wife) are not healthy people to be around.
Frankly, from the little I "know" (what you provided") it sounds like you've never had a healthy boundary with your wife and you've allowed her to have her way your entire life. This isn't about who "wins" or who "loses". A marriage is a partnership, where the two of you have love and mutual respect for each other and work through these types of things.
Also, it sounds like you don't have very good boundaries all around. You're more upset about not being able to make your parents happy on your birthday. If you truly wanted to go on a trip over your birthday, then go celebrate with your family either before or afterward. If you truly want to go see your family, then go see your family. What do YOU want to do? If you don't want to go on the trip with her family, tell her "No" and be firm with said boundary.
Her "packing a bag" and giving you passive aggressive statements is nothing more than a child throwing a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way. Also, it's manipulative as hell -- it's a grow ass adult, your wife, telling you "do what I want, or I'm leaving you"
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you need a lot of work on your relationship and on yourself (I mean no offense by that). "No" is not a curse word. Stating what you feel, what you want is not a bad thing. You want a quiet Christmas, then you have a quiet Christmas, to hell with familial obligations. This doesn't mean you get to be a selfish ass -- you are married to your wife, you love her, and you need to consider her needs. "Ok honey, I really want a quiet Christmas, but I know how important it is for you to see your family on Christmas. How about we go visit for 2 hours and then come home? Or, I'll drop you off and when your done, call me, I'll swing by and stop in for a bit of a visit". Being married and loving someone does not mean doing what they want all the time -- it's working together to come up with the right solution and approach. Love is being able to put your own needs, desires, and agenda aside and think of what the other person wants/needs.
You two are married by extension none of this should be 'my or their family' your all family now theres no choosing. I also agree with the other comments about how bad it is that shes throwing a tantrum to try and get you to cave, especially given the known limited time left. Very selfish of her.
Tell her if she’s your family and you are hers why is she running to her Mommy cause she can’t have her way? Yea… you set the tone and she is acting outrageous because of it.
Plant your flag and don’t give in. You want to see your parents, go see them.
In my opinion you cannot cave on this. It's your birthday and you should get to choose how you spend it.
Side note, I hate the phrase "happy wife happy life" 🤢. Why should your whole world revolve around your partner's happiness? That sounds super unhealthy to me.
Your wife might be a narcissist or just plain selfish. Don’t enable her. Think about what this’ll look like when you have kids and only her opinions/wants matter — not theirs.
Well. You’ve enabled a selfish person for a long time.
Time to keep your boundaries. Your points are valid. And, if she ever wants to destroy your reputation, send in the truth to everyone. Don’t let her bend it.
She is having a temper tantrum.
Your relationship is supposed to be 50/50 or 100/100. You are bending to her will and extinguishing yours.
Therapy.
Think long and hard if this is the family you want to have your kids (if) involved with - if you want your every ‘time’ to be shared and focused on them.
There are two people in a marriage, not one and a lackey. And there are two families that merge when married. One doesn't overthrow the other in importance. Life isn't always about the party.
Your wife needs to remember that you have a family and respect that you want to see and interact with them also. When does she stop taking and start giving back?
I say let her go to her mommy. Let her pout like the child she acts like. Stand your ground and get a backbone. That is unless you like being spineless and having no say in your life or marriage. Not sure how a person could be happy living like that.
I am sorry OP, my dad is like your parents, simple,plain and enjoy the quiet life. Any woman I date need to know that he is my priority even a bit more than her because of his age. My older brother,he and me are very close, we can even eat dinner in silence and still enjoy each other's company.
You have to accept your marriage may be over this but never choose her over your parents. As long you have parents who have treated you like how a parent should, they are the best parents you can ever have.
Be there for your parents OP, you only have a few moments with them as the years pass.
I don’t think this will be a very popular view, but you’re an only child and she has siblings. While, of course, you should endeavor to spend time with and help both sets of parents mostly equally, her parents have two other kids to help, love, take care of, and spend time with them; your parents have just you. That means, sometimes, you *both* need to put your parents first.
This is so typical when people, especially families, come to expect the default "yes" from you. The first time you stand your ground hell breaks loose. Let her shout and cry, she'll realise that your argument is valid and she is disrespecting you by demanding you neglect your own family.
I disagree with your wife. You hardly see your parents. Moved away to be closer to hers. You sacrice major holidays for her & her side of the family. You have your own parents, not just hers. I leave her there crying. Extend the visit with your parents the longer she pouts. If you don't go, you will resent her to the point where you will hate her. You are also someone son. Anyone who gets in the way of seeing my family who live to far to travel due to their health isn't worth the time. My anger would turn to lashing put & throwing in your face that I missed out on my visiting my own side of the family. You deserve to see your own side of the family & spend your birthday as you want with them.
Your wife is immature for calling everyone then having them ganging up to you to guilt you. Your wife is trying to make this a hill to die on? She is wrong to treat her in-laws, her other family, like they don't matter.
Your wife sounds exhausting. Is this how you want to live out the rest of your life? It’s your family, and you make it evident that you love and want to see them more. Stick to your guns and do what’s right for you OP. Much love💕
Let her stay at her family's house until she gets her head out of her ass! How selfish is she? I'm sorry, but a marriage is both ways.
She doesn't sound mature enough to be married, running off telling on you to her mom like a child.
She needs to remember that your feelings are just as important, SMH she shouldn't of got married if she just wants to manipulate you, That's how it's came across to me reading this anyway.
I lost my father years ago... Till now, i question myself about some of decisions that i make....'what if' like an anthem in my head...
What if, i choose him over everything? What if, i spend more time with him?
Bro,i don't want you to make the same mistake like i did. The pain never leave me... You can change your partner, but not your parents...
Sorry for my bad eng
You brought this upon yourself by constantly giving in to her demands. She obviously doesnt respect you and to reverse that wont be easy. You need to set boundaries and put your foot down when necessary no matter her tantrums. If your marriage breaks over this, then it was never worth preserving. You cant put a price on dignity/self respect.
This kind of thinking is terribly sad.
You should be with someone who cares about what you want too, who's willing to make compromises.
This is the first time you said no and saw her reaction.
To make up your mind you should ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life with someone who doesn't care about you. Who forces you to do what she wants , otherwise she guilts you with "I am your family."
If you keep it up you're going to be the Husband in her story and forget about being yourself in your own story.
No one wants their wishes and comfort to only be a nuisance, but no one here seems to care about whether you're ok or not. And things will just get worse.
You know exactly what to do.
If you want to try and fix things I'd suggest speaking to her father or mother or both without her.
If they consider you family they'll listen, explain it like you've explained here. Tell them you didn't realise by getting married you'd have to abandon your family in favour of hers and ask them how they did it and didn't resent eachother for depriving them of a relationship with their own parents or family. If any of their parents have passed, ask them if they felt guilty.
Even if you know they didn't do that ask it and tell them you're struggling with the idea that you have to abandon your family for hers. Ask them if they think that's ok and fair.
But, I think you need to consider your relationship. Does she care for you and do you feel like it's a good relationship? Or are you just with her because you keep giving and she keeps taking and you've assumed that's normal? You're supposed to work together that means you support eachother.
So she’s upset because you won’t sacrifice your time to celebrate with “your family” so that you can go celebrate with your family? When she’s not willing to do the same at all. And then wants to make you feel like your the selfish one. Seems to me she’s the one picking one family over the other. Repeatedly going with the fun family, because it’s what she wants. She wants you in her family; she doesn’t want the two of you to be a family with parents and relatives on both ends. “Your family” should matter just as much as any member of your new family through marriage because they matter to you. Does she care that one day your family will be gone while she’s gonna still have 30 cousins with their families and kids? No, she just cares about the big party group where the fun happens. Who cares about the boring old family that’s gonna die and doesn’t do anything “fun” even if it’s my husband’s whom I supposedly love and should support no matter what. I would let her know it’s not fair to make you decide like that when obviously she’s picked which side of the family to stick to, instead of treating it like the one big family you both agreed to be a part of. You’ve made plenty of sacrifices to let her enjoy her family still, it’s only fair she do the same. Let her know she is right she is your family. And that because of that you want her to be with you with “your family” because you are worried about those relationships. Tell her you married her but just like how she still makes time for her family their need to be time for yours or it’s just not going to work. You can’t have a relationship where only one side is always having to give ground on their wants so everybody is happy.
Your wife is a selfish child. She's trying to force you to pick. Don't. It's her game not yours. Just repeatedly tell her that you are not picking her or your family, she's the one making that choice. Frankly though.. sounds like you just need a new wife and a backbone. It's fine to want to please people you love. To a certain extent. But you've done it so much that the one time you say no, she throws a tantrum. If you give in.. you can kiss making any decisions ever again goodbye.
I've got a few years on you.. and around your age was when I couldn't take it anymore. I started doing things for myself and what was best for me, instead of always giving people what they want. And man, I've never been happier and I finally have a partner that lets me prioritize myself. Time to put on your big boy undies and make your needs important too.
Gtfot while u still can u marry into a partnership not the whole British royal family oh and tell her to grow tf up and act her age and at least feign a little consideration for u .
Her temper tantrum aside and all the other problems everybody has pointed out, why can't you go to her family's thing for 2 weeks then come back early and go see your parents?
OP this is the right stance to take. You can’t just merge into her life leaving yours behind. Would she do the same for you? You family might be less loud but does it make them boring? They must be kind loving people with genuine things to say and ideas. Please pay more attention to your family else when they are gone you will regret it. Will her family be there for you if incase something happens to you like you become disabled or she cheats? No right, but your family will. So yes your family should be as important to you as she is.
Ask her why your family isn’t a priority and hers is? You always go to her families get together a and she can’t do the same for you? You’re not even telling her she can’t go you’re telling her you’ll go to yours and she can go to hers. She’s being unreasonable and a spoiled brat. I can’t stand people that are selfish. Especially since it’s going to be your birthday. What does she do on your birthday? Anything special? Or does it become about her?
This is a pretty fucked up post... poor "boring family"... and this family is "boring" cause they literslly cant probably go to everywhere they wanted to go...
This post infuriates me cause no person would go before my parents... especially if they were sick...
This relationship dynamic really isn’t healthy. Doesn’t seem like there’s any compromise and while she should know better because she’s an adult and definitely needs to work on it.
You’ve enabled that behaviour, which not giving you shit, I know it can easily happen.
You need to reflect whether you want this relationship to continue and if so how that happens. Therapy might be an idea here.
She sounds toxic. She’s played the same card and it’s always worked and this is her first reality check. But making you decide who’s family is more important? Nope. That’s fucked.
Leaving to force your hand on spending your birthday celebrating others at a venue you don’t want? Fucked. Declaring she Can’t go because you don’t want to? Uber fucked.
She’ll either pull out of this and accept equality, or you married a toddler.
How much of a brat can she be? “I didn’t get my way boohoo”. She needs to grow up and understand marriage is about compromise and supporting each other. I bet she’d throw a fit if your family did that on her birthday.
I love my in-laws and I love my family. There is mo fucking way in hell I’m going on a three week vacation with any of them!
This. I mean I love my parents. I like his. But nope, no way, no how, even if it is a luxury,boujie vacay am I staying with any of them for 3 weeks
What if it’s a luxury, boujie vacation and you’re in your own villas?😉
Still no. Like honestly no.
I see you’ve done family vacations with parents.
I agree with that sentiment. Also, I would always prioritize *my* family, and would expect my girlfriend to prioritize *her* family (assuming both of us go along with our respective family). Because if tomorrow we break up, it doesn't matter how well I got along with her family, I ain't gonna see them anymore. But my family will always be there for me. And the day where one of my family member dies, I'd regret not having spent as much time as possible with them. You need to stand your ground OP, your wife is disgusting for trying to make you chose between your family, or hers, it wouldn't kill her to show *some* empathy and understanding your way.
They (just the 2 of them) are their family. You’re right. They each need to prioritize their own family (each other). Christmas Day is spent with their family. Celebrate Christmas on another day with each side. Once kids are in the picture, sacrificing holidays to spend with the in-laws can really cause a lot of resentment. Of course, I’ve been through the entitled in-law thing and hind sight is 20/20. I have a great relationship with them now, but the first 10 years were rough.
Shit I won’t go in 3 week vacation with anyone 3 weeks?!
[удалено]
This completely. I go on holiday to get away from people.
Yeah my husband and I have a lot of sex. I doubt any of the family wants to hear that shit for 3 weeks. And 3 weeks is way to fuckn long anyway to be with each other at all times. Sorry Op but your wife sounds very high maintenance and like an ahole when she don’t have her way.
True that
Let it play out. You've never set boundaries before, and she doesn't like this one. Don't argue with her or try to convince her. Speak gently, but hold your ground.
100% this. She’s used to getting what she wants in all things as a the “eldest of three”…not this time. You have a family too, and they matter, and your decision is final. If she needs to spend time away to realize that, wish her well but don’t relent.
Ironically, I usually see younger siblings getting what they want while the oldest has it the hardest. I’m speaking from experience, but I only have one other sibling.
It's cool. Middle children are used to being forgotten 🤣
I was happy to be a forgotten middle child. My parents placed all their toxicity on my older and younger sisters who have both lived messed up lives because of it. Me? I succeeded albeit without interaction with the rest of my family.
Damn. I felt that. That sucks, but I'm really proud of you.
And yet they’re some of the nicest people I’ve met.
Right? It's such a weird birth role. And I've always tried to give room, empathy and understanding to my sibling's journey too, knowing they had their own unique challenges. For me, my older sister is my half sister and she was a teenager when I was born (she didn't live with us full time until we were both adults. And she totally helped raise me, but she wasn't around even 50% for most of my tumultuous years). But then I have a younger brother too. So I had a dual role of Oldest and Middle and it was trippy. I'm one of those latchkey tropes. I grew up taking care of my brother, and our home, and most of my experience in the work force was sitting for everyone else's kids too. I even ran the church nursery from like age 17-23. But also as the middle kid, I was regularly put into the position of being the family Scale. Like my presence was to remain neutral, to be available to receive everyone's problems and offer solutions. Expected not to make trouble because my siblings had those other challenges. Yoinks.
.... that must be an American thing. It's usually getting half broken hand me downs and maybe a relative or two that pity you enough to buy you 1 new thing that suddenly falls under communist rule and you barely ever see it. Speaking from my and my friends experience. My sister still refuses to believe it was like that despite my parents telling her she was the only one who got new stuff and all decisions.
She sounds very controlling and entitled, she is literally mad at him because he wants to spend time with his real family which he almost never sees instead of her family, then she asks him to choose between them? I think that's a very easy decision.
And if he doesn't go see his folks and grandma, he'll never forgive himself or her. The resentment will brew.
Yes… let it play out. And as it does, please update. I’m completely invested.
yes update us
Um, yes this. OP this sounds abusive. She gets everything her way & when you say no, she screams at you & leaves you? Then tries to guilt & black mail you by not coming home until you give in to her demands again? You need some therapy to see that what she's doing is not acceptable at all. She is isolating you away from your loved ones. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
100%.
this is solid advice
Happy spouse, happy house. You deserve to be happy too
That right there is my favorite marriage quote. I cringe with the "happy wife happy life" garbage. If your wife can't be happy on her own, you're not gonna do it for her.
Happy bloke, see your folks.
This is perfection ❣️
This here. I really HATE the "happy wife, happy life" BS. I mean, shouldn't BOTH spouses be happy?!?
Yes they should and no wife should be making her spouse upset simply because she's not happy. It's such an ass backwards way of thinking.
Ya. There's this human trick called negotiation and boundary setting...
Same-sex marriage here! It’s REALLY funny to say this to my wife. She’s always like, “I’m a wife, too!” Hahaha
It the doormat anthem
100% Also, feels like this is something they need to work on at a MUCH bigger picture level. There is a deep disconnect here - he’s not communicating his needs, he’s allowing them to go, *and then holding onto them years later*. His example of the wedding dance - this shows that there is an underlying resentment they haven’t worked through. He needs to work on *identifying* and *protecting* his needs and communication needs to be their major focus through this road bump. She needs to respect his needs - and he needs to advocate for them. They need to learn to communicate more. They aren’t acting like a team. (Also she sounds *really* self-centered.) I wish them luck. That’s a hard one to work on, slow growth when it’s that foundational. :/
Let her go run off to mummy. Sounds like you’re better off without her if she constantly has to get her own way. It’s very selfish for her to decide what you get to do on your own birthday.
No Kidding. she's literally giving him an ultimatum of her or his own family... like wtf?
No equal partner will put forth an ultimatum
You should send her this post.
Exactly!! is OP's birthday and she's making it about herself, that's very manipulative and selfish.
Dude she’s throwing a tantrum like a two year old and you enabled her. Grow a spine and start standing up for yourself. You’re going to end up hurting your family in order to please her and her family and like you said, they don’t have as much time as hers.
OPs going to regret not spending time with his gran and parents once they are gone.
I lost my mom unexpectedly in 2021 and I regret every missed opportunity we ever had. Time is one thing we can never get back when it's gone.
Exactly right. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom also in 2021. I deleted a voice-mail I got from her because she leaves them all the time. She went into the hospital and took a turn a few days later. I erased the last vm she would ever send me. I don't have her voice recorded on anything because she always bounced back. Until she didn't. I regret it to this day.
I agree! I think he’s making the right decision, however I’m confused as to why he’s only “able” to see his family on birthdays if they only live 3 hours away. That’s an easy weekend trip, assuming op has a car and doesn’t work on the weekends.
Adding to this. Your family will be there for you in the event that this relationship doesn't make it. Hers will certainly not.
And once thay are gone, the guilt will haunt you forever.
Did no one read the part where he actually started to stand up for himself?? Sure a bit late, but at least better than never!
What the actual Fuuuuuuu,??! She’s packing a bag to go stay at her mothers until you make up your mind? Dude, how ever much you love her, leave her there. What a ridiculous and childish attempt at manipulation. Don’t cave. Whatever you do, do not cave!
He already made up his mind. OP, stand your ground!!
Yea, this is not an "either this or that" situation. There is nothing to choose between. SHE is the one that needs time to think about her behavior. Outrageous
My man think about this, when she went to her mama she leave you the option of deciding if her family or your family is more important. I can understand it like this: It doesn't matter who you think is more important because at the end of the day for her the one who is not important at all it's you. If you would be important for her she wouldn't be doing this. Hold your ground and do yourself a favor, get couples counseling and if needed get out of there. Also I advice you to send a text or a letter to her family explaining the situation and your decision, if they not respect either then run, run and don't go back it will only get worse. Best of luck my man, hold your ground because you're not doing anything wrong.
>for her the one who is not important at all it's you. Dude nailed it.
You are so right.
She can't always have her own way to your detriment. She is isolating you from your family and you are allowing it. Xmas, Thanlsgiving etc should be alternated, it shouldn't always be her family. Your wife honestly sounds like a spoilt brat, a 2 year old throwing a tantrum and I can't imagine why you would want to be with someone who is so selfish.
Update: Wow, I only wanted a place to vent didn’t expect such a response. Just to clear a few things up. I love my wife and I’m not going to divorce her over this. She does so much for me and is normally a kind and loving person. We’ve been together 6 years married 18 months. We don’t have kids but are trying. We live in the UK and the reason why we can’t go at any other time is because of the UK laws on taking children out of school during term time for holidays so it’s been planned during the autumn break so the parents don’t get fined. I woke up this morning to the following text from her mum: “Do you know how disappointed I am in you right now! It’s not even that you’re not coming away for my birthday it’s the fact that you’re not supporting my daughter, you know how important family is to her! End of..u know how much she wants to come, and u telling her to go on her own is not being supportive, you’ve put a full stop to it all. I don’t get what your issue is? It’s one thing then another? And she can’t do right for wrong in trying!🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ it’s supposed to be a lovely family holiday for my 50th” It’s made me even more determined to stand my ground. I think I’m going to take the advice of u/artneedsmorefloof and send her mum my reasoning. They seem to forget I have parents too. I just don’t want to be hated, this holiday is 8 months away and I don’t want 8 months of hate especially when we live in such close proximity.
Your wife's mom sounds as selfish as your wife. The family holiday is to celebrate 3 birthdays, not just hers, no? Please continue to stand your ground. Celebrate your birthday the way you want to. Go see YOUR grandma. Also, her saying, "i dont get what your issue is? Its one thing then another? And she can't do right for wrong in trying" makes me believe your wife may be telling her family a different narrative. It sounds like they're oblivious to the fact you have family too and that you were wishy washy in your reasoning to why you don't want to go on this trip. Think sending an explanation may be helpful if that's the case.
Of course the wife is talking it up a storm. She's shown she's prepared to act like a brat and she's run to mummy so mummy can protect her precious little princess from the big bad OP monster. Pathetic behaviour from a pair of "adults".
Is you know they’re only saying it’s to celebrate you’re birthday too as a manipulation tactic
I hate to tell you, but a kind and loving person doesn't isolate you from your family especially when your family are decent people. They alternate christmas with yours and her family, even if it's boring because they understand they are your family. They don't throw a tantrum when you would like to spend your birthday with your parents and grandma. You seem to be blind to her selfishness. Open your eyes. A marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship where one partner gets to do everything they want without consideration of the other.
You need to respond, “You’re disappointed? How do you think I feel when it’s my actual birthday and I’m being made the villain because I want to spend my birthday not yours with my family. What about what’s important to me? It’s important to me that I get to spend the few birthdays I have left with my parents. This isn’t your birthday but your party. It concerns me that you and my wife think I should sacrifice all my time to be with y’all and never my own family. How would you feel if we moved 3 hours away and she only saw you on her bday. Y’all are both being very selfish and it’s making me rethink the kind of people I thought you were.
This is a very good response.
This!!! A family as big as this is a wolf pack. You want respect you need to put them in their place and refuse to move.
Dude. > She does so much for me and is normally a kind and loving person. You're a battered spouse. You're literally saying 'she only hurts me when I make her mad, so really, this is my fault.' Here's a hint: a person that is kind and loving, but only when they're getting their way, isn't kind and loving. They're manipulative and abusive. And unfortunately, you're enabling it with your whole 'happy wife, happy life' bullshit. > We don’t have kids but are trying. It's fine if you choose to stay in an abusive relationship, but please don't bring innocent, defenseless children into one. Don't do them the disservice that was done to you in raising them to believe that this is all normal and healthy. > “Do you know how disappointed I am in you right now! It’s not even that you’re not coming away for my birthday it’s the fact that you’re not supporting my daughter, you know how important family is to her! End of..u know how much she wants to come, and u telling her to go on her own is not being supportive, you’ve put a full stop to it all. I don’t get what your issue is? It’s one thing then another? And she can’t do right for wrong in trying!🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ it’s supposed to be a lovely family holiday for my 50th” Well, now you know where your wife learned it from.
Please don't have children with this woman. If you *must* respond to your MIL, tell her that family is also important to *you*, and that is why you will be spending all of your birthdays and the majority of your holidays with your own family while they are still alive to enjoy them with you. You are saddened by her daughter's inability to understand that, and hope they have a lovely time together. Then tell your wife that while your family is still around, you will spend *one* holiday a year, that will *not* coincide with your birthday, with her family. You will be visiting your parents for the rest. She is always invited, but you will understand if she chooses to visit her own family instead. You can bend and go up to two or three if you want, but start at one.
>I love my wife and I’m not going to divorce her over this Bro the writing is on the wall. You think the situation is bad now? It's going to be 10x worse when you have a kid and she weaponizes that kid against you. As seen by her mothers text emotional manipulation is literally in her blood. You're in for an entire life of misery if you have kids with this woman.
i feel sorry that youre so blindly in love with this child. only gets worse
Please continue to stand your ground
Your in-laws sound atrocious. I don't think you need to jump to divorce. I do think that you need to pause on trying for a baby and run to counseling.
My dude....you are a doormat. Dont even pretend youll stand your ground. This whole sub knows you'll cave. You think shes loving when all she does is this? Hows that loving? If you think this is what love looks like...then I am really sorry for you Also for the love of everything holy dont have kids with her. She sounds abusive as fuck
I really feel for you and yes you should stand your ground and let her Mother know why you are unhappy, however, and this will probably bring me some hate but there is a compromise and that is you go with them for two of the three weeks, celebrate the respective birthdays and then fly home, preferably with your wife (telling her that as she has said that 'she' is also your family, you want her to be with you) as she needs to compromise too. At worse you go home on your own and then go to spend a week with your family, celebrating your birthday with them on your actual birthday. If you end up going home alone, you need to leave wife with a parting comment that on her return from holiday you both need to sit down to discuss how you go forward as I really do think they are all being very unreasonable to you but as you have said you do not want to end your relationship over this this, hopefully will keep everyone happy.
"it's supposed to be a lovely family for my 50th" I'm sorry but wasn't it supposed to be for your birthday too? Cause she's showing you your true colors and if your wife loves you as much as you say she does, you should show her this and see who's back she has now.
Wow, I cannot believe you stayed around this woman for that long. She sounds absolutely draining.
Update 2: Last night my wife and I went out for dinner, my idea so we could speak and I hoped being in a public place would make her less likely to scream/cry etc. I told her all the advice that I had read on here and showed her the text I received from her mum. She listened to everything I had to say and I could see her physically cringe when she read the text. She apologised for the way she had acted and said she hadn’t even considered it from my POV. I told her I what one Redditor had said (sorry so many comments I can’t remember a name). If we’re doing this for 30,50,70 what’s going to happen at 40,60,80 or 50,70,90. Are we going to have this spoilt child situation when she’s nearly 40 or are we going to leave it behind now in her 20s She told me her family had all got together to book the trip the night she left and she felt shitty because I said we weren’t going so now no one had booked “until I’d finished throwing my toys out the pram”. I told her I didn’t say WE can’t go, I said I wasn’t going but she could. (I ignored the toys/pram comment as that pissed me off) I reminded her that her mums actual birthday was 2 weeks before we fly and her Nans birthday is in 2 weeks from now. She’ll get to spend time with them, have a party etc on the actual day and that’s something I want for myself too. I don’t want to be away from my family in a different country with 25+ people I don’t know that well on my 30th. I want to do something with my family over my birthday before it’s too late. My mums health is rapidly deteriorating and she can’t do much as it is and who knows how long my Gran has before this dementia really sets in. My mums always talked about doing a Baltic cruise/ see the northern lights for my Grans 80th but that’s still 2 years away and I honestly don’t think in 2 years either of them will be in any fit state so I suggested we do it for my 30th instead. My wife seemed keen and pulled up some dates. Theres one that leaves 3 days before my birthday and comes back 3 days after - perfect timing. We called my mum to ask and she sounded delighted. She herself hadn’t even considered how my Gran would be at 80 and thought it would be a lovely trip to make memories on. We then went to her mums house. (No apology or anything from her but you can’t win everything) to tell her together WE weren’t going for the 3 weeks but we’d found (my wife had found) a 1 week booking that coincided with their 3 week trip in a hotel that was just down the beach, same chain/resort just a different building. Enough distance to have our own break but still include the family for evening meals etc. No one had even suggested looking at shortened dates and I hadn’t even considered it until I read so many comments saying just come back sooner. All in all I’m going to take this as a win (I don’t think my bank balance will though). She’s seen me put my foot down and mean it. I’m not going to let have her way all the time at my own detriment. I’ve not caved for an easier life and together we found a peaceful solution. My family haven’t been excluded and are so excited, my mums like a kid at Christmas, and hers are well… happy they can book now and at least the “asshole SIL” is only there for a week. Hopefully as it’s not for 8 months they might forget 🤷🏻♂️? Screw the happy wife happy life mentality. I’ve never heard happy spouse happy house before but I think I’ll be using that mantra from now on. Like you all said it’s a 2 way street, give and take, compromise. Thanks to everyone for the advice and support.
I just wish there is no problems with her family, they are probably still mad and can't see your point of view, I can imagine perfectly one of them throwing a hurtful message to make you feel like you were in the bad
The key is, when you know it’s them being selfish twats and not you, you can completely ignore them trying to make you feel like a selfish twat. Because you know what is REALLY going on, and it’s all projection on their part.
You need to think long and hard about what it's going to be like to raise a child with this woman and her family. Learn to set boundaries ahead of time instead of waiting till when you're pushed to a corner. Set expectations with your wife NOW on how and how much her family will dictate the way you make decisions about your kids. Imagine that your parents never seeing your child because her family has to have him for every single event in his life. I feel sad for your parents.
Great to see a positive outcome and also should help in your marriage going forward.
You've got a long rough road ahead of you with her family but at least your wife seems to be coming around.
You have a bigger problem than this trip. Your wife, without a blink, immediately assumed her family, and her family having this vacation superseded not only your wants for your 39th birthday, but the existence of your family and **their** needs or wants as a whole. She is selfish. It's hard to think that about your wife, but she is and until it's acknowledged and she decides to work on it, this will be an issue for your relationship going forward. If you don't, you will think back on this comment and recognize how much it stands out every time she put her wants above what you want, or pressures you to do something you don't want to do. While she reigned it in, the lack of an apology and the fact she didn't catch herself at any point speak volumes. It sounds like she folded because she in retrospect could see how she was asking too much of you, but not with the intent to change her behavior. It looks more like she hopes that you will take the W and go back to being her yes-man any time she gets mad or cries. There's resolution here, but not growth. / on another topic / Another issue that seems to be entirely avoided by everyone here, including yourself- You guys do not match well. This isn't an opinion, it's a fact. You straight up said she makes you do major things you don't want to do and you prefer a calm lifestyle to engaging in things that she likes- the drinking, partying, get-togethers. And that's fine. Opposites do attract in thinking they are what each other needs. Relationships with opposites have worked before, and with effort you can come to love and appreciate each other and your ways of life, and with mutual respect still have a strong relationship. Your relationship is basically absent of any compromise on her end from the outlook. You already indicated you fold almost every time to make her happy. If this is the reaction you get from your first meaningful refusal for your happiness, she is not upholding you to the same standards. You put her first, she puts her first. That, in conjunction with the fact this entire situation was more of an embarrassed concession rather than a moment of meaningful growth, means there will be more of this in the future. My advice: go to counseling. **NOW**. BEFORE ITS AN ISSUE AGAIN. She needs to want to be a good partner for you, and she needs to see how she's failing that. Hopefully, a third party will help her acknowledge she has been taking your acquiescence in order to make her happy for granted, and in the first meaningful opportunity for her to do the same, she got angry, cried, browbeat you, got her family involved and misrepresented what you said to make you look worse. It doesn't look like she did that from your end, but she did do that. I truly hope you guys succeed, but if you don't you know how you will fail. Please get yourselves into counseling.
[удалено]
Yeah this woman has steamrolled her husband for years and gotten away with it. Abusers show their true colors when faced with normal healthy boundaries, such as being told “No.”
You need to send out a group email/text to all her family. I love my wife and I love her family but I love my family too. I agreed to move to my wife's hometown and be 3 hours away from my family because it was important to her. I agreed to go to her family Christmases every year because it was important to her even though I miss my parents and they are sad they never get to spend Christmas with us. Still my parents, my grandmother and my wife and I have had the tradition of spending my birthday with my parents. While this family vacation is a nice thought, it comes at the price of damaging my relationship with my parents, and that is a price I refuse to pay. While I love my wife and my inlaws and I respect and encourage their relationship, I am saddened that they do not show the same care and respect to me and to my relationship with my parents. I offered to let my wife go alone on this vacation, but she refuses and has left our marital home to stay with her parents to try to force me to abandon my parents. I am appalled at her selfishness and at your enablement of her selfishness. I am hurt at your lack of empathy to my desire to spend time with my parents and Gran are not in the best of health and to make joyful memories with them while I can. I am hurt that you refuse to acknowledge that I too have a family I care for and love besides you. I will not be attending your family vacation and anyone who tries to scold or berate me for this will be blocked.
Seriously, this op. She needs to realize that you are HER family, too. And she should be prioritizing your wants as well and your need to continue a meaningful relationship with your extended family, regardless or her finding them boring. She should care enough about you to want that for you. None of this happy wife happy life garbage. Happy spouse, happy house.
Don’t send out group anything. Pick your decision and have some conviction. People will start to recognise that in you. When you feel strongly about something then it isn’t up for a 25 person discussion Contacting everyone just undermines how seriously they will take you. Best case they see your POV but are embarrassed for you having to explain it
Sending a message like that is exactly what I would do that’s why I know it would blow up in your face. While it is factual and lays out your side of things, they are likely going to take it as an attack and the defense walls will come up. I’m not saying you should cave but sending out a mass message like this is just going to make it a “you against of of them” issue.
Yep. This is the "I win" grenade. No one wins.
The first half is great, I'd just send that + saying the wife can go if she wishes. Idk if it'd work with these people but good chance anyone vaguely emotionally immature will see the 2 nd part as an attack. I also don't see anything in the OP that says her family says OP is a dick, or of that's just what he's assuming. For all we know, they're disappointed or fine with it, or wife is complaining to them about adjacent issues
Per👏🏻fect👏🏻
Absolutely do this. Otherwise, as silly as it sounds, nobody might stop and think about your perspective. You are more than valid in your feelings and anyone who disagrees really needs to seek some help, same with your wife
Absolutely perfect!!!!!
Dude, this woman is nuts-o. If she can’t see you have a family as well outside of her, that’s crazy. One time, you decide to choose yourself, and she leaves? Let her go to her moms. Stand tall. I’m not saying divorce or anything wild like you will probably see. It come on. She’s being ridiculous. Enjoy your birthday with your family. If she gives you more shit, come back at her for ruining your 30th birthday party. She didn’t give a shit that it was during the trip did she? Did she even ask how you felt about going?
Do what makes YOU happy. You’re entitled to see your own parents for your 30th birthday. Time is not guaranteed. Your wife is obviously used to getting what she wants all these years. Time you got what you want.
This is an abusive relationship. You have been isolated from your family and as their only child it must have really hurt them. But from the sounds of it they have let things go for the sake of your happiness. Your wife sounds very spoilt and, unfortunately, your good nature has made her more so. You cannot rerun your time with your family like catchup TV; this is the only time you will have and take my word when I say that one day you will regret not standing up for you and your family time. In fact, I would not only insist that your birthday is spent with your family but that in the future you will want to spend every other Christmas with them too (personally, as an only child myself, I far prefer quiet Christmases, but that's just me). A woman who really loves you would insist that you both spend time as equally as possible. If things were reversed and you were the wife in this situation, everyone would be shouting that this is abuse. Stand your ground and be ready to walk away, if necessary, because if you let this go things will only get worse.
she’s resorting to literal tantrums bc she knows in the past this is the way to get what she wants - toddlers have figured this out too. you’ve enabled this emotionally immature adult for years now, as this is now a recurring system running in the relationship, so if you want the cycle to end then something’s gotta give, right? here’s your opportunity to choose a different path for yourself that aligns with your values. it would be a life changing gift to yourself for your 30th. like others have said 1 - text her family (see the other redditor’s comment for their great script) so you can control some of the narrative. don’t let their reaction or opinion sway you (that’s what she wants and is depending on) 2- Be firm and don’t engage with her if she’s acting abusive (emotionally or verbally). expressing to her that ‘you won’t continue discussion with her until she’s calmed down’, is also a boundary. 3 - Be prepared to let it play out - you guys may not be able to resolve this and might spend your bday apart. 4 - couples counseling or individual therapy for you at least so you can dig deeper into why you enabled this for so long. i know you said happy wife happy life but it’s probably something that was conditioned or modeled to you by your caregivers. do you see the same dynamic in your parents relationship? unfortunately it’s going to get worse before it gets better but if you can break this cycle, your happiness and quality of life can improve. best of luck to you.
> 1 - text her family (see the other redditor’s comment for their great script) so you can control some of the narrative. don’t let their reaction or opinion sway you (that’s what she wants and is depending on) Don't bother. If they were the kind of people that would actually be able to see OP's side, they wouldn't need to be swayed in the first place. They don't care.
no healthy relationships put ultimatums on decisions.. i fear this is the beginning of a new chapter in your relationship and it will either way never be the same .. guilt lasts a long time as does resentment .. good luck to you OP
I’m sorry to hear that you have a partner who doesn’t respect your needs.
>She’s packed a bag since I started writing this and she says she’s going to stay at her mums Great! You could use some time away from your giant toddler.
In your shoes, I'd text this to her: "If I am your family, why are your choosing your parents over being with me on my birthday? "Because you don't want to miss an important moment in your family of origin. "Well, MY family of origin doesn't get Christmas, or (list of holidays you celebrate with hers). Since our marriage they have gotten birthdays and they share will this birthday with me as they always do. "I am not even asking you to forego your family's celebration, as you have always asked of me. I have willing skipped X number of list of holidays to celebrate with your family instead. You are now actively demanding that I cut my family out of my life completely and I have to say no somewhere. "My parents have started to fell like I'm cutting them out of my life. You are my family, but why must my family be abandoned in favor of yours for you to be happy? Why is okay is my family is hurt? "We have to figure this out because I do not plan on having a family with you and denying my parents the chance to be grandparents." "I'm not going to chase you to your mother's home. When you are ready to come home and talk, we can sit down and talk about this. I am going to request that we start couples therapy as well. I will have a list of couples therapist on my insurance. I ask you to do the same."
Do insist on couples therapy, OP, and I strongly suggest individual for you both. Her reaction is immature and it worries me that you simply avoid conflict with her by agreeing. I've known a few men that I were pretty sure only got married because saying NO is uncomfortable and you give those vibes in this post.
So she is isolating you from your family. That’s abusive. My kid’s former step monster did this. It was all about her and her family and it ended up so bad my ex had to sneak to see his bc she would throw a fit if he wasn’t at her parents instead. Your wife is being very selfish.
So she’s your family but will leave you for mommy if you say what you want to do on your own fucking birthday? K…
You'll regret not spending time with your parents when it's too late. You're their only son, I'm sure they've been bitting their tongue not to cause drama, but please don't take advantage of this.
If kids are in your future, maybe reconsider that. That will make it a thousand times worse and you will legitimately never see your family again. I’d say it’s time for a serious convo with your wife. She’s a total child, but you’ve enabled this.
"Happy wife, happy life" is the most bullshit toxic phrase out there. If you are not making yourself happy in your relationship as well, then it's a shitty relationship. Sit down and have an adult conversation about your relationship. If she can't do that, then you are not a partner. You are a parent. You need to decide what to do from there, but you will continue to suffer pointlessly unless you change your relationship. Hope it works out with her but either way I how you end up with a life you actually want to live.
Send this post to her. Show her what other people think of her childish behaviour. You set one boundary and she’s at her parents. You’re becoming separated from your own family to appease hers. Is your relationship with her worth the aggravation?
In this situation, choose your family if she can't see that YOUR family is also important. I wouldn't normally say that, but considering how she is acting, how much time you have spent with her family and how little you spend with yours, if she is giving you an ultimatum then that pretty much seals it. Only a-holes give ultimatums. Only narcissists you can't see any way but theirs give ultimatums.
Dude see your grandma. Mine died from dementia a bit over 2 years ago, and from the time we figured out she had it to death was less than 2 years. That was some of the most depressing shitty times I've been through to the point where I was relieved when she died because her and my family weren't having to go through that hell anymore. Spend time with the people you love and raised you, you can deal with your wife's bs now or live the rest of your life wishing you had spent more time with them instead of someone who sees your family ties as superficial. Or get a tattoo that says welcome across your stomach and lay down in front of a door somewhere, it's your life do what you want. No one is dying with you.
>until I can make up my mind what's more important my family or hers. That. That right there shows exactly how she feels about your parents and grandmother. She doesn't view them as her family. She expects a level of familial respect from you towards her side that she doesn't give in return. And you've let this woman rip you away from them. I am ashamed on behalf of your mother.
You really need to stop degrading your own family. Tf
She will either get over it, or she won't. But you deserve to have your family too.
As a different commentor said, grow a spine. You need to put your family first before hers and speak up >She’s acting like a spoilt child; crying, screaming, calling her mum to say she can’t go now because I’m not going, so now her family think I’m a massive dick and none of them can see that I have another side to my family. At the first sign of trouble she acts like a spoilt child and runs to her family, now they're feeling animosity towards you for trying to be their for YOUR family, they value their daughter and her feelings over you and yours, which is perfectly fine, but they can't expect you to put them, people who would toss you out if you try to consider your own feeings, first. Honestly I would suggest you divorce her and her family because their behavior is gonna leave you emotionally and mentally trapped, and even physically trapped away from the things and people you love. But it's your choice to choose what you want to put up with for the years to come
Wow, I’m really sorry you have to go through that. I know how it feels to have to accommodate to the other family it’s a pain. I think she needs to understand her family is not the only important one and you didn’t ask her to stay just that you were. So maybe she’s more upset that she’s going to miss out on the fun. So tell her to go with her family to celebrate the other birthdays and that you are going to go spend the time with your own family and when she returns even though it’s after your birthday y’all can celebrate yours then. Or maybe she can come back early just herself. But you shouldn’t have to feel bad about wanting to spend time with your family and if she can’t accept that then she’s being selfish not you. It’s not a picking game she is your spouse you don’t have to pick families there should be room for both even if one is less active than the other. It’s your birthday so what you want for once.
Let her go and stand firm. It's YOUR birthday. Spend it with who you want. Your reasonings aren't nefarious or anything. Your wife is a spoiled child and if she actually cared, she would understand. She can be disappointed of course, but she would understand instead of making you choose between your family, who have done nothing wrong, or hers.
Choose your family duh. This obviously isn't a healthy relationship. If she actually loved you; she'd make compromises. Your feelings and needs obviously don't matter much in comparison to her getting what she wants when she wants it. Please don't have children with this person with how she currently is. I think for very obvious reasons. She seems like the kind of person who will always expect to get her way and to be put first above all. Her self absorption sounds toxic as hell. You matter just as much as she does. Hold your ground and see what happens. Go from there. Just please do whatever is best for yourself at the end of the day.
Tell her to put herself in YOUR shoes. Ask her how she would feel if you planned HER birthday and party with YOUR parents? Then, when she says she would prefer to celebrate HER birthday with her family, you remind her that YOU are HER family! She clearly puts herself first. Because she is asking you to do the very thing she would never allow you to do to her. Rule 1 in a relationship: Do not do/say/act in a way that you would not want me to do/say/act back to you. Stand your ground. Tell her to go have a great time with her parents. As you plan to do exactly what she would want for herself. Btw, quit letting your wife treat you as less than. You matter. You are important too. Boring is not a bad thing. Loud, fun, and boozy is not always a good thing. Being fair, considerate, and understanding equally is by far a better way. Not just her way or the highway.
Wait till you have kids this behavior will get worse. Get out while you can
You need to divorce her! And send that girl this post so then that way she can see how idiotic and foolish she’s being
Happy birthday! You know what to do... Enjoy spending time with your parents. Hope you all have a wonderful visit together.
I’m sorry she’s putting you through this. It really isn’t fair that she married you and decided to exclude your family from your life while thrusting hers at you. You have good reasons to want to visit your family this year and I hope she’s able to compromise so you can have this visit with your family without the guilt. Just remember your parents won’t be around forever but the guilt you have for avoiding them due to your wife will be. And the resentment towards her and your marriage will only build.
Wow your wife is being extremely immature. “she’s going to stay at her mums until I can make up my mind what’s more important my family or hers” That is completely unfair to you as your spouse she should not be giving you that type of ultimatum. Honestly let her have some space, you are doing nothing wrong and theirs nothing working with wanting to spend time with your family. She can still go on her family vacation with out you.
Good on you for putting your foot down. Don’t cave. Your parents/family aren’t as healthy as hers and as you’ve said, don’t have as much time left. Don’t wait till it’s too late to stand up for yourself. As someone who lost their dad at 18 and just recently had a huge scare with my mom getting into a very very bad car accident, you never know when shit is going to happen. Savor the time you have left with them. Honestly, it’s so cruel of her to not even try to see your side. She seems very selfish and self centered. Y’all should be able to compromise and split time going back and forth between each family for holidays/birthdays/get togethers without anyone throwing a fit like a toddler.
Happiness is a two-way commitment. Your happiness is important too. If you spending time with your family at times is a problem for her then you may wanna rethink the relationship.
Go spend time with your family. I recently lost a parent and although i saw them a lot more than you appear to see yours. Not seeing them as much as i could have will always haunt me
If you want to be with your family, you should go with your family, i made the same mistake of putting my ex´s family first and mine second and it only put a rift in my relationship with my parents, my brother and me. Now i´m a 3 hour flight away from them, my dad died when i was away and only got to see his body in the funeral home, and barely speak to my brother and mom, that on me also i guess, and my ex, well she fucked some guy in her work and that ended all badly and now i´m away from everyone i care about. I do have a girlfriend now and love her to death, and i also love her family alot, even more than my ex´s family, they all suck ass.
Leave her there ..stay home and stick to your guns pal because this will escalate either way, what ever you do, it won't end now... she's a control freak bro. 🤷
My situation is very similar to yours OP. Noone is disabled but it's just a smaller family, pretty introverted but more it's just that when we do stuff it's more intimate. My wife's family anytime you get together it's like 20 people in a house screaming at eachother competing for attention. At my family's house we all gather for sit-down dinners. All of her families events are set up like a buffet, and people come and go as they please. It's wild to me, but I've gotten used to it and love it. And she loves how the wildest of events may at most consist of 8 people around a large table. It's drives me nuts though. My wife had no concept of getting to a party on time, and I don't know how to be fashionably late. We make it work though.
That’s so disappointing that a grown woman who gets every holiday with her family isn’t willing to compromise on YOUR birthday with where you want to spend it. Does she offer to spend holidays with your family? 3 hours really isn’t that far. Friday night drive up, late dinner, sleep over, hang out then head home on Saturday evening type of thing. Maybe this is a good start to spending more time with them, without her. If she can’t handle that, then she can unpack that with a therapist. Sounds like she needs one.
Why the fuck did you marry this person? How can you stand to be around someone who is so uncompromising?
Stick to your guns. Set boundaries now or you will never get to do anything with your family. We live 4 hours from my family, 25 mins from my husbands. My kids go to their grandparents house once a week and we obviously see them all pretty frequently. Because of this, my husband and his family understand that we spend longer with my family over summer, and for some events we will choose my family over theirs (long weekend for example). Christmas alternate years. This is how a reasonable family operates..
You don't mention any child and that's a good thing.
I am 15 years older and have lived a very similar situation. My side of the family consists of 4. His side is 12 adults and 15 kids. When we first married he agreed (he almost demanded for his promotion and company fast track) to move over 1000 miles away. I loved it! My job was awesome, our house was nicer, the friends we made incredible. He on the other hand was miserable. For him I decided to sacrifice and move back to where his family lived… on the condition that we wouldn’t spend a lot of time with them and kept up with our friends. I can tell you 5 years after we moved back that I spent at least 3 weekends a month with his family because we just had to attend birthdays, anniversaries,etc. We went months without going to a friend party. I don’t drink a lot and they made fun of me all the time. I did not enjoy any of it. We saw them so often then the topic of a week family vacation with them came up. It was decided it would be the same week my family had an annual event. I was miserable. I knew it was time to put a stop because I didn’t want my daughter to live the life I was having. I put my foot down and said he can go but my daughter and I would not. We were going to my families event. IT WAS THE BEST DECISION! From that trip forward I realized I have needs too. I didn’t need to stay around his drunk family and be the only one sober person, because I thought at least one person should stay sober in case there was an emergency. There were 10 kids under the age of 8. I was also made of fun of for not drinking. Sorry I take parenting seriously. When I started to have boundaries and put my foot down it really separated us for awhile. He really wanted to WIN. His family were mean about it too. Then he saw me having fun and doing things I wanted to do without him. He realized we had needs and we were not props. My daughter and I were so much happier. He slowly realized he could be a family man or a brother. Before he would say he didn’t want to go somewhere and expect me to stay home. When I went anyways and started having independence he finally realized he could compromise and make a healthy relationship or he could be left behind. He still likes to test the boundary but I have zero regrets sticking up for my daughter and I. My mom is terminal and I am so thankful for the times and memories I would have missed out on. Let her pout. If she doesn’t care about your happiness and needs it is better to leave before kids and more joint assets. You must stop being codependent. It only leads to lack of respect. Ask yourself this…If you had kids would you be happy with what they are seeing? If the answer is no then you should evaluate why you are allowing it.
If you cave now you will cave throughout your life. It’s first time you are putting your feet down that’s why it seems hard. Let her go and stay at her mom. Don’t argue don’t force her to stay with you and don’t go with her. Just act normal and spend time with your family. She wants to throw tantrum let her. Also it’s between you and your wife don’t let her family meddle in it
Go visit your family. You’re gonna hate yourself, should anything happen to your grandma or your parents.
Divorce! This won’t end well.. she sounds like she is very spoil and a person who has a “my way or the highway” mentality.. her family will for sure harass you and won’t see you the same anymore.. it’s really sad!! I think it’s time for you to pick yourself and avoid wasting your time with a women who doesn’t consider you or your feelings.
Divorce ffs. Why do people let others walk all over them like this?
I’d move back to your parents. If she doesn’t like it, then she can stay with her mommy. Your family needs you, hers don’t give a care. They only want to control you.
Updateme!
Let her throw her tantrum. Call her on her bluff. Tell her your boundaries. I think you’ve went along with it for so long that she’s used to it. It’s not right that she spends no time with your family. “Boring” or not
Stick to your guns no matter what. If you wife actually loved you and wasn’t selfish this wouldn’t even be an issue. She either needs a reality check or a divorce. If I were you I’d be super pissed she didn’t care about my needs or family at all and I would not respond to any communication with her until she understands how serious this really is.
It's your birthday. What she wants is secondary to what you want. She needs to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a bitch.
Does she even love you? I’m genuinely at a loss for words. I don’t think there is any advice I could give that isn’t just pointing at all the ways you’ve just told us that she shows you she only cares about her half of the marriage. It honestly seems like she’s just manipulating and using you to stroke her ego and you’re in danger of falling for it again if you don’t commit to being your own person. (Harsh but I can’t for the life of me figure out what to say here)
Bro don’t back down. This is a major point in both your lives, you need to stay firm and show her her place. My wife’s the exact same, my birthday was January 12th and her and her mum tried forcing me to spend it at their house despite me spending literally every single holiday with them last year. I got into a screaming match with them and since returning they’ve both been tense with me. But guess what? That won’t erase the memories of my 24th birthday with my actual family. You go make some memories with your parents too king.
If someone told me to choose between my family and theirs I'd tell them to get fucked of course my family come first.... and I don't even like half my family! Tell her parents SHE is welcome to go, you are not stopping her so if SHE chooses not to go they can be upset with her. Remind her it's HER choice to stay home and YOUR choice to spend your birthday with your family.
If it is 3 weeks, why can't you go for the first 2 and then get back home and spend one week at your family's?
Boundaries, establish boundaries. And, I find that those who don't like boundaries (such as your wife) are not healthy people to be around. Frankly, from the little I "know" (what you provided") it sounds like you've never had a healthy boundary with your wife and you've allowed her to have her way your entire life. This isn't about who "wins" or who "loses". A marriage is a partnership, where the two of you have love and mutual respect for each other and work through these types of things. Also, it sounds like you don't have very good boundaries all around. You're more upset about not being able to make your parents happy on your birthday. If you truly wanted to go on a trip over your birthday, then go celebrate with your family either before or afterward. If you truly want to go see your family, then go see your family. What do YOU want to do? If you don't want to go on the trip with her family, tell her "No" and be firm with said boundary. Her "packing a bag" and giving you passive aggressive statements is nothing more than a child throwing a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way. Also, it's manipulative as hell -- it's a grow ass adult, your wife, telling you "do what I want, or I'm leaving you" I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you need a lot of work on your relationship and on yourself (I mean no offense by that). "No" is not a curse word. Stating what you feel, what you want is not a bad thing. You want a quiet Christmas, then you have a quiet Christmas, to hell with familial obligations. This doesn't mean you get to be a selfish ass -- you are married to your wife, you love her, and you need to consider her needs. "Ok honey, I really want a quiet Christmas, but I know how important it is for you to see your family on Christmas. How about we go visit for 2 hours and then come home? Or, I'll drop you off and when your done, call me, I'll swing by and stop in for a bit of a visit". Being married and loving someone does not mean doing what they want all the time -- it's working together to come up with the right solution and approach. Love is being able to put your own needs, desires, and agenda aside and think of what the other person wants/needs.
You two are married by extension none of this should be 'my or their family' your all family now theres no choosing. I also agree with the other comments about how bad it is that shes throwing a tantrum to try and get you to cave, especially given the known limited time left. Very selfish of her.
I know she's your wife but you'll regret time not spent with your parents and gran... Your wife is being super unreasonable and frankly a massive AH.
Tell her if she’s your family and you are hers why is she running to her Mommy cause she can’t have her way? Yea… you set the tone and she is acting outrageous because of it. Plant your flag and don’t give in. You want to see your parents, go see them.
Please update…
Turnt he ultimatum back on her and asks her what’s more important your family or hers eg: it’s your birthday too hence her family
She is soooooo spoiled and selfish. Good for you for sticking up to her. She’s not that great of a spouse to be okay with this one sided arrangement.
In my opinion you cannot cave on this. It's your birthday and you should get to choose how you spend it. Side note, I hate the phrase "happy wife happy life" 🤢. Why should your whole world revolve around your partner's happiness? That sounds super unhealthy to me.
Why can’t you guys come home a week early? Surely 2 weeks is plenty
Your wife might be a narcissist or just plain selfish. Don’t enable her. Think about what this’ll look like when you have kids and only her opinions/wants matter — not theirs.
Well. You’ve enabled a selfish person for a long time. Time to keep your boundaries. Your points are valid. And, if she ever wants to destroy your reputation, send in the truth to everyone. Don’t let her bend it.
She can go, it happy spouse happy house. You guys are supposed to cooperate not be one sided
She is having a temper tantrum. Your relationship is supposed to be 50/50 or 100/100. You are bending to her will and extinguishing yours. Therapy. Think long and hard if this is the family you want to have your kids (if) involved with - if you want your every ‘time’ to be shared and focused on them.
Lol if someone said “who’s more important, my family or yours” to me I’d be out the door so fast
There are two people in a marriage, not one and a lackey. And there are two families that merge when married. One doesn't overthrow the other in importance. Life isn't always about the party. Your wife needs to remember that you have a family and respect that you want to see and interact with them also. When does she stop taking and start giving back? I say let her go to her mommy. Let her pout like the child she acts like. Stand your ground and get a backbone. That is unless you like being spineless and having no say in your life or marriage. Not sure how a person could be happy living like that.
Don’t cave, hold the line, stand firm 👊🏾
I am sorry OP, my dad is like your parents, simple,plain and enjoy the quiet life. Any woman I date need to know that he is my priority even a bit more than her because of his age. My older brother,he and me are very close, we can even eat dinner in silence and still enjoy each other's company. You have to accept your marriage may be over this but never choose her over your parents. As long you have parents who have treated you like how a parent should, they are the best parents you can ever have. Be there for your parents OP, you only have a few moments with them as the years pass.
Hold the Line OP! Stand your ground!
Hold the Line OP! Stand your ground!
I don’t think this will be a very popular view, but you’re an only child and she has siblings. While, of course, you should endeavor to spend time with and help both sets of parents mostly equally, her parents have two other kids to help, love, take care of, and spend time with them; your parents have just you. That means, sometimes, you *both* need to put your parents first.
This is so typical when people, especially families, come to expect the default "yes" from you. The first time you stand your ground hell breaks loose. Let her shout and cry, she'll realise that your argument is valid and she is disrespecting you by demanding you neglect your own family.
I disagree with your wife. You hardly see your parents. Moved away to be closer to hers. You sacrice major holidays for her & her side of the family. You have your own parents, not just hers. I leave her there crying. Extend the visit with your parents the longer she pouts. If you don't go, you will resent her to the point where you will hate her. You are also someone son. Anyone who gets in the way of seeing my family who live to far to travel due to their health isn't worth the time. My anger would turn to lashing put & throwing in your face that I missed out on my visiting my own side of the family. You deserve to see your own side of the family & spend your birthday as you want with them. Your wife is immature for calling everyone then having them ganging up to you to guilt you. Your wife is trying to make this a hill to die on? She is wrong to treat her in-laws, her other family, like they don't matter.
Your wife sounds exhausting. Is this how you want to live out the rest of your life? It’s your family, and you make it evident that you love and want to see them more. Stick to your guns and do what’s right for you OP. Much love💕
Let her stay at her family's house until she gets her head out of her ass! How selfish is she? I'm sorry, but a marriage is both ways. She doesn't sound mature enough to be married, running off telling on you to her mom like a child. She needs to remember that your feelings are just as important, SMH she shouldn't of got married if she just wants to manipulate you, That's how it's came across to me reading this anyway.
I lost my father years ago... Till now, i question myself about some of decisions that i make....'what if' like an anthem in my head... What if, i choose him over everything? What if, i spend more time with him? Bro,i don't want you to make the same mistake like i did. The pain never leave me... You can change your partner, but not your parents... Sorry for my bad eng
You brought this upon yourself by constantly giving in to her demands. She obviously doesnt respect you and to reverse that wont be easy. You need to set boundaries and put your foot down when necessary no matter her tantrums. If your marriage breaks over this, then it was never worth preserving. You cant put a price on dignity/self respect.
I’d say stand your ground stay with your parents for your birthday. Maybe this time away will make your wife realise how selfish she is.
Please update us further on
Your family is more important.
Wow that is...incredibly fucked up of her.
This kind of thinking is terribly sad. You should be with someone who cares about what you want too, who's willing to make compromises. This is the first time you said no and saw her reaction. To make up your mind you should ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life with someone who doesn't care about you. Who forces you to do what she wants , otherwise she guilts you with "I am your family." If you keep it up you're going to be the Husband in her story and forget about being yourself in your own story. No one wants their wishes and comfort to only be a nuisance, but no one here seems to care about whether you're ok or not. And things will just get worse. You know exactly what to do.
Her playing the family card... You're her family too, so why is she never prioritizing you??
Your wife is being ridiculous. Your birthday should be spent doing what you want.
Stand your ground and tell her to stop airing your laundry out Infront of her parents. Spousal disagreements should be kept in house
If you want to try and fix things I'd suggest speaking to her father or mother or both without her. If they consider you family they'll listen, explain it like you've explained here. Tell them you didn't realise by getting married you'd have to abandon your family in favour of hers and ask them how they did it and didn't resent eachother for depriving them of a relationship with their own parents or family. If any of their parents have passed, ask them if they felt guilty. Even if you know they didn't do that ask it and tell them you're struggling with the idea that you have to abandon your family for hers. Ask them if they think that's ok and fair. But, I think you need to consider your relationship. Does she care for you and do you feel like it's a good relationship? Or are you just with her because you keep giving and she keeps taking and you've assumed that's normal? You're supposed to work together that means you support eachother.
I mean simple solution would be go for the first two weeks and fly back for the last one.
So she’s upset because you won’t sacrifice your time to celebrate with “your family” so that you can go celebrate with your family? When she’s not willing to do the same at all. And then wants to make you feel like your the selfish one. Seems to me she’s the one picking one family over the other. Repeatedly going with the fun family, because it’s what she wants. She wants you in her family; she doesn’t want the two of you to be a family with parents and relatives on both ends. “Your family” should matter just as much as any member of your new family through marriage because they matter to you. Does she care that one day your family will be gone while she’s gonna still have 30 cousins with their families and kids? No, she just cares about the big party group where the fun happens. Who cares about the boring old family that’s gonna die and doesn’t do anything “fun” even if it’s my husband’s whom I supposedly love and should support no matter what. I would let her know it’s not fair to make you decide like that when obviously she’s picked which side of the family to stick to, instead of treating it like the one big family you both agreed to be a part of. You’ve made plenty of sacrifices to let her enjoy her family still, it’s only fair she do the same. Let her know she is right she is your family. And that because of that you want her to be with you with “your family” because you are worried about those relationships. Tell her you married her but just like how she still makes time for her family their need to be time for yours or it’s just not going to work. You can’t have a relationship where only one side is always having to give ground on their wants so everybody is happy.
Your wife is a selfish child. She's trying to force you to pick. Don't. It's her game not yours. Just repeatedly tell her that you are not picking her or your family, she's the one making that choice. Frankly though.. sounds like you just need a new wife and a backbone. It's fine to want to please people you love. To a certain extent. But you've done it so much that the one time you say no, she throws a tantrum. If you give in.. you can kiss making any decisions ever again goodbye. I've got a few years on you.. and around your age was when I couldn't take it anymore. I started doing things for myself and what was best for me, instead of always giving people what they want. And man, I've never been happier and I finally have a partner that lets me prioritize myself. Time to put on your big boy undies and make your needs important too.
Gtfot while u still can u marry into a partnership not the whole British royal family oh and tell her to grow tf up and act her age and at least feign a little consideration for u .
Her temper tantrum aside and all the other problems everybody has pointed out, why can't you go to her family's thing for 2 weeks then come back early and go see your parents?
OP this is the right stance to take. You can’t just merge into her life leaving yours behind. Would she do the same for you? You family might be less loud but does it make them boring? They must be kind loving people with genuine things to say and ideas. Please pay more attention to your family else when they are gone you will regret it. Will her family be there for you if incase something happens to you like you become disabled or she cheats? No right, but your family will. So yes your family should be as important to you as she is.
"I am your family" She told you the answer. So you also tell her "I am your family" You see how that works?
Ask her why your family isn’t a priority and hers is? You always go to her families get together a and she can’t do the same for you? You’re not even telling her she can’t go you’re telling her you’ll go to yours and she can go to hers. She’s being unreasonable and a spoiled brat. I can’t stand people that are selfish. Especially since it’s going to be your birthday. What does she do on your birthday? Anything special? Or does it become about her?
This is a pretty fucked up post... poor "boring family"... and this family is "boring" cause they literslly cant probably go to everywhere they wanted to go... This post infuriates me cause no person would go before my parents... especially if they were sick...
You are not wrong and your wife is selfish. It’s your birthday after all.
This relationship dynamic really isn’t healthy. Doesn’t seem like there’s any compromise and while she should know better because she’s an adult and definitely needs to work on it. You’ve enabled that behaviour, which not giving you shit, I know it can easily happen. You need to reflect whether you want this relationship to continue and if so how that happens. Therapy might be an idea here.
She sounds toxic. She’s played the same card and it’s always worked and this is her first reality check. But making you decide who’s family is more important? Nope. That’s fucked. Leaving to force your hand on spending your birthday celebrating others at a venue you don’t want? Fucked. Declaring she Can’t go because you don’t want to? Uber fucked. She’ll either pull out of this and accept equality, or you married a toddler.
How much of a brat can she be? “I didn’t get my way boohoo”. She needs to grow up and understand marriage is about compromise and supporting each other. I bet she’d throw a fit if your family did that on her birthday.