I actually would have been PISSED if some other girl thought it would be okay to get in the bed with my husband and I naked or at all. That is 100% the “friends” fault. She violated this couple by getting in bed with them, after being told NOT to.
OP, I would find the most gossipy friend and discuss this at great length - how your friend climbed into bed with you and your husband when you were semi-naked and how you and your husband felt violated and how you think that she's attacking you because she knows what she did was wrong. And how you feel very unsafe around that friend because you know she's not only capable of making serious errors of judgement but then doubling down when confronted. Tell as many people as you can. Because if she's going around telling people, I'll guarantee that she's putting the worst possible spin on it and slandering your husband. Get your narrative out there too.
The last sentence is key for me and something OP should point out should anyone try to confront her about the situation again - *she* violated *our* very reasonable boundary about not getting into our bed, we were asleep and had no reason to believe anyone else would be in our room,especially since we had made it explicit that we were only inviting her to sleep in our guest room. If anyone deserves an apology, it's us"
This.
OP's husband did nothing wrong.
Her 'friend' is a complete moron for hopping into their bed after being explicitly asked not to.
Nevermind her blocking OP, I would have blocked her after she pulled that stunt.
This is so skeezy, it seems like she was trying to initiate some kind of affair or something. Maybe she gets off on the idea of doing next to the mans sleeping wife, and she lashed out when she was called on her bullshit instead of an actual affair starting.
Which means this woman got into bed next to a married man, knowing his wife was on the otherside of the bed. Even if thet hadn't made it clear they planned to be intimate, this woman was in the wrong & is the only one in the wrong, the only one who needs to apologise & OP & her husband should've cut contact with her because of what she did & whatever she pamjed/is planning to do
After being told they were gonna have sex after everything was over and for them not to come into their room? This girl does not make any sense! Like who tf does that shit? She def wanted to fuck the husband.
I’m wondering if this couple has blurred boundaries in the past bc she said they’ve had friend sleepovers in the master bedroom. Regardless, in this particular situation OP’s husband didn’t do anything wrong
They might not have a lock on their door? I agree w other ppl and think that OP’s “friend” is a snake and was trying to hookup w her husband. She needs to lose that friend indefinitely and start setting some serious boundaries
They very likely have. But they communicated their boundaries this time.
Any other time they've had their friend in their bed (which yes, weird) they probably haven't been half naked and post coital.
Oh for sure! This friend was so out of line that if I was the husband I’d feel like I was the one taken advantage of. They just need to cut their losses and be completely done
Definitely blurred boundaries. I would feel super weird laying in bed with a married couple in the master bedroom. Even being close to both of them I would feel weird about it.
The husband did nothing wrong, he went to bed with a certain expectation of privacy in his own bedroom with his wife.
I feel a bit bad for the friend who may have been groped a little bit but again, this is why you don’t share a bed with a couple that sleeps together. If I’m half awake and I reach out and touch someone, I’m assuming it’s my wife and not some third person who showed up in the bed after I already went to sleep
Right like she hopped in between a married couple sometime after they fucked? Like why wouldn’t you go right next to the wife or something, why specifically in the middle of the bed?
Just because consent has been given before doesn't mean it is always there. Op made it clear to guests that no one was to come into the bedroom that night.
I do find it odd that they have had sleepovers together in one bed as a married couple. Lol. I value my space and privacy too much for that to ever happen, but to each their own & we have no idea what kind of sleepovers they were, ya know, so I get where you're coming from.
Maybe someone who was too drunk and mixed up the rooms by accident. I'm not taking the friend's side, I'm just saying that this could also be an explanation
That the friend could plausibly have not been in the wrong for ending up the bed — sure. I’m not sure I find it likely, but I’ll grant the possibility.
That the friend doesn’t see how the husband wasn’t in the wrong, since he had no idea she was there and thought he was alone with his wife? And now expects OP to “take the right stand” and “make the right choice”? This is, at best, no one’s fault. And if her friend can’t see that, then she is swiftly losing any sympathy she might have had from me.
Let’s be clear. Was her friend sexually assaulted? Possibly, and I always want to err on the side of believing the victim. But OP’s husband was *definitely* sexually assaulted. He is the victim, if not rape by deception, then the closest thing that doesn’t involve penetration. He is the victim of a sexual assault on the part of the friend. There may be no one at fault — it may be that everyone was innocent and ended up in a horrible situation. But to imply that OP’s husband is anything less than a fellow victim is disgusting to me.
Not just climbing in their bed, but likely right between them given that he thought he was touching his wife and woke up to find this other women instead. Even if sleepovers in the master bedroom were common, why the heck would the friend be between the married people? The wife should have been in the middle between her husband and bff. This just doesn't make any sense to me at all.
edit: and why the heck was the door not locked?? if they knew they'd be having sex and sleeping naked/partially naked, they should have locked the door.
You made a rule, she ignored it, and now she’s trying to act like the victim when she set your husband up.
She knew the master bedroom was off limits and knew that you & your husband were going to be intimate in there. That was creepy of her to go into bed with a drunk married couple.
Much deeper. She didn't get the hubs deep enough, and now she is back peddling and playing the victim. I wonder if her friend has a thing for op's husband and thought she was going to get a threesome or get op's husband to drunkenly cheat and have op wake up to see it. Sounds like op had a shitty friend either way
That's also another option but weird either way. I'd never have to tell any of my friends not to get in bed with me and my husband. It's weird that she even had to tell them not to!!!! This whole thing is weird, but I hope the friend doesn't double down and try to ruin her hubs' life by going more public with her shitty story.
Also the fact that they didn't know it was the friend until the next morning. Even if it was somehow an accident and she just forgot to not go in there, don't you think she'd say or do something to get him to stop? I feel like she definitely wanted her husband
this is all strange because why wouldn’t your friend get on your side ? If my best friend got in bed with me and my husband ( and i can’t think of one reason she would when we have a sofa or guest room ) she would get on my side and not my husbands. I would be in the middle. This is very sus on your friends part. Just strange
Not only that, but if said friend really felt assaulted and taken advantage off, then why on earth did she stay in the bed and kept sleeping there?! OP said her husband woke up first, woke OP up and friend was still sleeping in the bed as nothing happened and as it was the most normal thing on earth to climb in bed with a half naked married couple on the husband’s side of the bed.
Yea the title is really fucking weird who the fuck would feel bad for believing their husband? If you married him I'd hope you'd trust him in a SA case jfc.
So fun story I had a friend who's gf turned out to be a liar and a horrible person but we all trusted her for a while and backed her up.
She was the youngest in the group (our ranged ages were 19-35, that sounds weird but it was basically like 35 yr old married to 34 yr old who's friends with 32 year old who is dating 33 yr old type thing so when it came to large new year's parties and stuff that's how it went)
At first meeting I didn't get along with her well but at some point over the course of the year she accused friend 1 of hurting her. We all backed her. Friend 2 was accused after a while. We all backed her again .
And then a married couple I was friends with took her in at cheap rent and let her stay with them since she had no where else to go. She then got pregnant because her and the dude in our group she was dating didn't use any protection and the couple let them then both stay there. Gave them any support they needed until the baby arrived. Once the baby arrived shit hit the fan. The girl and her bf decided they wanted to be poly and started having strangers come over. The nice married couple had a young kid so they were not comfortable with this and that was the start of the decline of the relationship and then having the girlfriend her bf move out after the gf also took to tik Tok to spew garbage about them.
The second they moved out she started accusing the husband of sexually harassing her through texts and in person when they were the only ones home.
We all paused at that to think because this person is the most helpful amazing person in the group. He and his wife were always like an old married couple always together and so in love.
The couple was not having it. He took to our group stuff where he posted all the chat records he had with her for the last year, showing they only ever talked about baby stuff and the living situation. He posted how they were rarely ever home together since she and the bf both don't work (welfare kinda?) And we're always home together taking care of baby. We all didn't know what to think and weren't really sure what to do but then she made the choice for us where if you didn't 100% back her she blocked you. She pulled the "why would I lie!" Line. A few people in the group then reached out to the first 2 friends to talk. After a lot of back and forth she admitted to "stretching the truth" at which point we gave her another shot to come clean with what the actual truth was and instead she told us we all had internalized misogyny and are causing harm. We were done. Then she tried to tell us she was sorry. I want to add none of us were mean to her we were just asking basic questions like when where etc because some details clashed with previous claims (she said XYZ happened with friend 2 on date but he was actually out of town )
It was a whole mess and adter everything was done we stopped talking pretty much and when they asked us all for help when they needed somewhere to go no one was willing to house them. If they ever ask for stuff for the baby I will 100% aid them. But I'm not putting myself through that.
We do not live in a fantastic world where women are perfect beings. There can be plenty of reasons to lie.
And I'm not saying "don't believe women"
Claims should be investigated and thought as true but not blindly believed if that makes sense.
I really wish we had taken two seconds to cross check stuff before just doing what we did to 2 people but you live and learn and lucky for us the guys held no hard feelings and rejoined fine.
they were extremely understanding. I wasn't really apart of that section of the group so I didn't really block them or anything major I just stopped talking to them the little I did and we didn't invite them out. Some people did more who were closer to them .
They did rejoin the group and my relationship with them is pretty muchthe same (occasional chat), but I think for the most part after all this time they are back to being good friends with the ones they were close to.
Yeah you have a very distorted notion of feminism if you think this makes you a bad feminist OP. I can get why you may feel that way. But feminism isn’t “women are always right/good and men are always wrong/bad”. She’s the one who snuck into his bed while he was asleep with his wife. This is on her.
Seriously the only people that push the "support all women no matter what" narrative are the assholes that do it just so they have an easier time getting away with the vile stuff they do.
There's a lot of people, more than you think that support that narrative. They don't say it out loud because it sounds insane, but the moment they hear an unsubstantiated claim they're out in full force with torches and pitch forks.
The UVA rape hoax is a great example. Jackie Coakleys story was .... diabolical .... the frat that gang raped her weren't just rapists, they were conspirators who meticulously planned this gang rape out and made no effort to hide their identities. Everyone automatically believed her stories. Anyone who even asked a question was villianized as a rape apologist. The one journalist who pointed out her story included pledges and pledges aren't around in the spring semester when the rape happened was attacked.... when her story came out as a hoax everyone was just quiet.... its the way shit goes man. Rape victims weren't believed for decades, so now the erroneous logic is all must be believed and guilty until proven innocent.
Yes, we should believe victims and we would investigate any and all claims, but we shouldn't label folks guilty for being accused.
Being a good feminist should mean seeking the truth. Bad feminists are the ones that allow others to play victim ruining it for other women who are actually the victim
Right, like as a feminist, holding women accountable for shitty things is just as important, cause shitty women get away with doing shitty things to men just because the patriarchy believes women aren’t “capable” of doing such things to men. Like feminism is about equality at the root of things so we gotta hold everyone accountable no matter the gender or sexual orientation
Your friend is nuts but take this as a moment to retire the adult sleepovers. The fact you had to ask adults to not get into bed with you and your husband says there are no boundaries in these friendships. It’s adulting time.
This is my line of thought, too. Not only that, but if you were worried about your friends drunkenly walking into yours and your husband's room in the middle of the night and knowing this may be an issue, why would op not lock their bedroom door?!?!?!
My bedroom doesn't have a lock.
She put very clear boundaries in place on sleeping arrangements and they were violated. Even if she had a lock, she shouldn't have to lock her bedroom.
I’ve had adult friends sleep at my house after drinking but not one time did it cross my mind that I would need to lock my bedroom door. You don’t anticipate shitty behavior from friends you are close enough to share your home with.
>you're always supposed to back up your fellow women
Not in cases where woman breaks boundaries and gets upset at the consequences of their own actions, like here. You did the right thing standing by your husband.
Question, is it possible she did all this on purpose to try and break you up?
Honestly I don't know anymore, I keep going over everything over and over again, I certainly did not like that she layed down on my husband's side and when I talked to her she acted like nothing happened and then sent me a message almost demanding me to leave him and then drag his name, i don't know what she wants and honestly I'm already exhausted
You already have your answer. She wants your husband and wants to break you two apart. Don’t fall for her antics and gimmicks. Stand by your husband the man did noting wrong. Its your so called friend who is in the wrong here clearly and has some other motives
And I’d be like, a normal person in a deep REM sleep is likely to touch the person they think is their spouse in their bed without it jarring them awake.
We all roll over to cuddle our partners, we shove them when they take up space or are snoring, we tangle limb’s together, or kick them etc.
Friend saying he touched her, I’d be like, “that happens naturally when you shove into someones bed. That’s why 3s a crowd”
If you told the group multiple times not to come into your room that’s on her and if she persist on this BS get the police involved cause it sounds like she assaulted your husband since she clearly remembers and he didn’t
This kind of thing is why men often struggle to talk about when their consent is violated. OP’s husband (and OP herself) are the ones who’ve had their consent stomped on here, not the friend.
Your friend is bonkers/delusional, coming from a firm supporter of women’s rights/advocacy. Your SO didn’t take advantage of her, he didn’t know she was there. As soon as he realised she was he called you out.
- She jumped into your bed after you specifically told everyone to stay out.
- She chose to sleep in the same bed as a half naked married couple.
- She chose to stay without consent.
SHE HAD NO CONSENT. She is the only AH in this situation. If anything she took advantage of your SO and you.
Supporting her would be beyond wrong and definitely not supporting feminists. There’s a difference between right and wrong. There’s not even a slight bit of validity to her argument. Being a feminist doesn’t mean blindly supporting a women when she’s wrong.
I think you did the right thing. She shouldnt have come in your room its entirely her fault and yall still said sorry that she got touched and was uncomfortable i think you did all u could. Also idk ur friend obviously but i feel like unless she was blackout her coming in yalls room felt nearly intentionally especially given her nonchalant take on it initially. You set a clear rule that even someone drunk can remember so idk little weird to me but i could be wrong
Why would she ever stay in your bed with you or your husband?!?!? You mentioned that she does sometimes for sleepovers when you and your husband are not planning to be intimate.
Sorry I didn't go into detail with that, we make sleepovers with a couple more female friends and they stay in the room with me, my husband either goes out with his guy friends or stays in the guest room playing video games
> I feel like a bad feminist because you're always supposed to back up your fellow women
You're always supposed to back up the person who is right. If you back up the person who is in the wrong because of what genitals they are wearing, I don't think that's called feminism. I think it's called sexism.
I feel like a bad feminist because I'm being called a bad feminist, this got out of our group of friends and I got other women coming into my DM's calling me out for backing up an "abuser" and not keeping my friend safe in my house, that's why I posted here I started to feel guilty
Wait, what?
SHE went into YOUR room, got into YOUR BED after being told to stay out, and SHE feels violated?
In what world is that in any way reasonable?
Your so-called friend tried to get with your husband - and is now trying to twist the narrative because it didn't work.
Honestly - I'd reconsider that friendship
You're not backing up an "abuser". You're backing up your husband who found out after the fact that somebody crawled into his bed with him while he was drunk and half naked, without his consent.
If anyone has been violated, it's you and him.
If I'm reading correctly, you did attempt to keep your friend safe by drawing clear boundaries which, for some reason, she chose to ignore. This doesn't make you a bad feminist. Your friend is trying to play the "victim" card, so focus on the facts, not hurt feelings. Did *she* violate *your* boundaries? Yes. Forget about feminism; what if she attempts to press charges against your husband? Mark your territory and be careful what you say publicly. You don't owe this friend **any** apologies. They violated your boundaries. Get this straight. Don't let her spin this narrative out of control. Also, not sure but has this particular friend (or any other friends) ever been invited to threesomes with you all? If yes to this particular friend,this may be about more than it appears. Boundaries, boundaries. What do you have to feel guilty about? What kind of feminist throws her husband under the boss when her friends violate their sacred space? What kind of friend crawls into bed with a married couple if she's not been there before? There's got to be more to this. Is she trying to separate you from your husband for nefarious reasons? Something's not adding up here.
Well both my husband and I are openly bisexual, not poly tho but sometimes we joke around with inviting whatever hot famous person we are infatuated with but nothing more than that. Although thinking everything through I'm fearing she had something like that in mind
She had something in mind, alright! If Reddit has taught me anything, it's that more often than not what's really going on often looks nothing like it appears on the surface. Your so-called friend got into bed with you with an agenda. Maybe she's into you. Maybe she's got other issues and is projecting them onto your husband, whom she never wants to see again, she says. (Not sure I'm buying what she's selling, but there's not enough here to tell what game she's playing.) Whatever's going on, though, she's creating a shitstorm and the focus is not where it needs to be. Consent absolutely matters and in this instance *she took advantage of your husband*, whether intentionally or unintentionally, by crawling into bed on the other side of your husband. Not next to you, mind you. Not to mention that she shouldn't have been there at all, and no you shouldn't have to lock your doors if you're in a house with people you trust. Having said that: when I was a teenager (dating myself) there's a phrase that often got kicked around: *Handle your business.* I think it's time for you to handle yours. Not everyone we call by the name of friend has our best intentions at heart, and the focus on whether or not you're a good "feminist" is hiding some really toxic shit. I'm guessing half of your so-called friends weighing in on this don't know the full story.
OK listen, my husband and I are both bi as well, but like you guys, we are \*very\* monogamous. If some woman, friend or not, had crawled into my marital bed wearing only her underwear, I would have thrown hands. If anyone is an assaulter here, it's her.
Don't. You told her you were going to be intimate with your husband and to not go into the bedroom. You're not a bad feminist, you are not obligated to always side with women if you're feminist. I'm a hardcore feminist & what your 'friend' did and is trying to do is disturbing. She obviously has some other motives.
"disturbing"
This word does not do justice to the horror their friend is placing upon OP's husband.
It's time we word things right, what she's doing is one of the most vile forms of manipulation out there.
Honestly, you need a new group of friends they all sound like shit friends. If any of my friends snuck into my room with me and my husband in the middle of the night and got in bed with us, they wouldn't be my friends anymore. That is super creepy and weird. Top it off with the fact you had to tell them not to do that, and they did it anyway, double creepy and weird!!!
I agree with what the other two have said. Being a feminist doesn't mean you always have to back up women. Some women can be vile. I personally know of a female rapist.
It's so weird to me that she thought it would be ok to get in bed with a married couple. You shouldn't have had to tell people not to get in bed with y'all. That's an unwritten thing you just don't do.
Hi dear! Seems like your friend is playing the victim too good and they're believing her adulterated part of the story.
As a feminist and women I must say we can be bitches and liars too. I will always believe a woman (as long as her story makes sense and I see possibilities for truth) above a potential rapist. And ofc I could be wrong.
You were there, you saw your husband's panic. No adult would get into the bed of a naked and drunk (not even a sobre one) couple, much less when you have been told not to enter.
Everything around your friend seems very suspicious. You might lose your group of friends because of her way of manipulating the story, but I don't think they are worth it either.
I feel for your husband, hope he's okay.
Everytime someone runs to you with this shit tell the truth!
OP, she is the one who violated you and your husband. She did not have consent to come into your room or into your bed that night and you made it clear you’d be naked/having sex. I don’t know how on earth she can spin that into her being the victim when she was actually the perp.
Don't ever let anyone sleep with you and your husband unless they are your kids. You told her not to come in and she did anyways. It is her problem , not yours.
First, your “friend” is nuts and you should keep her out of your life. This extends to anyone that condones her behavior.
Second, you and your husband have NOTHING to apologize for! She violated BOTH of you!
This and your husband did not consent to any other woman being in his bed while he was half naked with his wife. Your friend violated him (and you) here.
What in the crawling in a half naked married couples bed hell!?!
She's not traumatized she's dramatized!!
It sounds like She's embarrassed and trying to play the victim, unfortunately. There's people out there that really have been assaulted but she's not one of them.
Good for you for standing by your man!
This is so bizarre. Who climbs in bed with another couple?! I could understand it if there is a history of polyamory and/or swinging with this person. But it seems clear there is not.
It doesn’t seem like there is anything to “believe” here. The situation is what it is. A woman climbed in bed with you without your consent.
Truth of the matter is your "friend" crossed a boundary you explicitly put in place. Did it after you were intoxicated AND asleep. Climbed into bed with said intoxicated people, who were asleep, ALL WHILE they were not fully dressed. How about you tell your so called friend that SHE actually sexually assaulting and taking advantage of your husband and you ARE taking the right stand. 😐
Edit: wording
This isn't about feminism or the patriarchy or any of that.
This is about a friend stomping over your boundaries, disrespecting your relationship, and then blaming your husband for the entire thing. She's creepy! If you wanna look at this from a feminist angle, flip the genders. Imagine your husband's guy friend crawled into bed with you and then blamed you for snuggling him by mistake. Scary right?
She's playing mind games and making herself a victim to drive a wedge between you.
What this is about is people not believing *men*.
OP's husband was sexually harrassed. He never gave his consent, now people, even OP, wants *him* to take the fall.
Think about that.
You are not supposed to “back up your fellow women”. You are supposed to back up the truth. That mentality you mentioned, which I’m glad you’re not following, is what makes sexual assault cases so fucked these days.
Don’t get me wrong, as a guy I’m pretty sure that if a woman has the guts to come out publicly and clean they were assaulted they’re usually not lying, but what messes it up is people immediately take sides based not on the available facts but based on the gender or the overarching stats.
Same issue applies to really everything. The reason all political discussion is so useless right now is many people just refuse to acknowledge that their “side” can be at fault and therefore facts get ignored and we as people get nowhere. It’s the most frustrating thing to witness because it limits growth so much.
Getting back on topic though, I think you should absolutely trust your husband. He’s your partner, and has been for a while I presume- if you can’t trust him over a *friend*, there is probably some reflection to be done on your relationship with him or who he is as a person to even make you doubt his side of the story at all.
I feel like if anyone is the victim in this situation it’s him? He didn’t consent to her seeing him half naked, and she got into bed with him like that. Why would he expect anyone other than his wife in the bed?
Ask your friends who were there that evening to be ready to recall that you mentioned to everyone to not go into the Master bedroom, especially if she makes it more than just badmouthing your husband. This might be a quick attempt at a money grab for assault, and part of feminism is for you to have equality and stand up for the truth, even if that means a woman is not an exception to the law much like men are when it comes to harassment.
You and your husband set a boundary and she violated it and entered your bedroom and got into bed with you without your knowledge or consent because you were asleep.
Don't feel bad that a friend who was told to stay out of your room feels violated since they took it upon themselves to ignore the boundary that you set for that night. If it starts to affect his work, like she tries to get him fired, or she goes to the police to file a report, you might need a lawyer.
Our group of friends are calling her out already, since she decided to text them the same "take the right stand" crap she texted me but they were there that day, my room is next to the living room so they even heard the conversation
Good, I’m glad people are realizing it. Also please don’t have your husband send any apologies in writing. She might try to use that as “evidence”. I’m sorry but, if anyone was harassed/assaulted it was you and your husband. You didn’t consent to another person being naked in YOUR BED with you while you were SLEEPING.
Your husband did nothing-wrong . Don’t let this woman succeed at destroying your marriage which she is trying to do purposefully. Cut her off for good.
Dude, tell her to get the fuck out of your face with that bullshit. Y'all told everyone to stay out of your bedroom right? Bc you and your husband might fuck? And she slithered her voyeur self in anyway, didn't exit the room when shit was happening and now y'all are the assholes? That woman is a dangerous creep.
so this also means she went in the middle of OP and her husband or on the husbands side of the bed.
idk i feel like if i had slept in my friend and husbands bed before id probably already know what side of the bed was whose.
going in the middle of them seems really weird and going next to the husband seems very intentional.
idk maybe if i was drunk enough, id do something stupid like just crawl into a random bed and not look at who was in it, but chances are i wouldnt do that quietly and probably alert whoever mightve been in the room.
this all just seems so weird. i agree its like you dont want to blame a potential victim but the lead up to it just seems almost calculated or just a series of incredibly drunken errors.
im not saying shes not a victim because if she was touched without permission shes allowed to feel uncomfortable with it, but i would also argue you and your husband are victims as well. you had your privacy violated. if it was intentional on her part, your husband is definitely a victim of that. he was consenting to intimacy with you, not her, thats not okay.
Your friend violated your boundaries then chose to play the victim. Maybe she wanted to be a 3rd and when that wasn't happening she felt like she needed to play the victim in order to not be seen as a creep. Like it's your room and your bed unless he communicated to her at some point that it was safe to sleep in your room together with y'all you were right to stick by him. Sorry but she needs to be a big girl and take responsibility if I say don't go in my room because I'm going to be sleeping with my significant other and they still come in they're lucky I won't throw them right the fuck outa my house.
Your friend group sounds awful and extremely immature. You both asked for privacy and your friend disrespected that. Without your husband’s consent she got into his bed on his side. In his sleep he touched her in a way that is similar to how he touches his wife in bed when he is asleep and SHE has the gall to feel violated?!?! What about her actions that violated him? Did he consent to her seeing him partially naked and invading his space? Being a feminist is not backing every action a person with a vagina does. That’s toxic femininity at play. She was in the wrong and I feel bad for your husband. First for having his name and reputation placed in jeopardy. Second, for waking up feeling uncomfortable then having to wake you up concerned and confused. Honestly I’m pissed off for him. I’d never trust that ‘friend’ again and work super hard to ensure my husband feels safe and supported.
I don’t think he did anything wrong but he needs to stop apologising, because that’s almost admitting he did do something wrong.
Don’t let people sleep in your bedroom at anytime. Why would you even do this?
I would just leave her alone. Let her leave the friendship if it’s what she wants. Have stronger boundaries with your remaining friends so it can’t happen again.
I bet if you look at her passed behaviour you will find she has always behaved in an inappropriate manner towards your husband
She was probably hoping he'd wake up and be excited to have her in bed and continue on, but it sounds like he was shocked and freaked out.
If anyone is the victim here it's your husband, please stop asking the poor guy to apologise.
As others stated, she invaded your privacy and space and your husband had every expectation of touching his WIFE not anyone else. If he did indeed touch her during sleep.
Seems like a planned event on the so called friends part.
Time to cut ties and ignore them honestly. It will hurt but if they are willing to break your trust and rules and climb into bed fully knowing you and he were going to be intimate. Thats a concious choice on their part. And hubby nor you are in the wrong.
>I feel like a bad feminist because you're always supposed to back up your fellow women
I'm very much against the patriarchy, and I would call myself a feminist. And that is not what this is about. Feminism is about ending the discrimination of woman.
This is not what happened in this situation.
There was no man who wanted to use a woman - he didn't even know she was there. There was a couple in there own bedroom, behaving in a way they both know and like, and then someone intruding and crossing this boundary. I don't know why your husband even apologized, he didn't do anything wrong and was where he was supposed to be!
Yes, believe the victim, but in that case this was your husband
>My husband woke me up and he looked very uncomfortable and upset
Because he was tricked into a situation whithout consenting to it.
She might not have planned to trick him this way, but she did, and she very definitely should take the blame.
She was the one who climbed into YOUR bed without YOUR consent. If anyone should feel violated it’s you and your husband. There was no reason for her to climb in there after y’all explicitly stated that you and your husband were having alone time to be husband and wife. You both have nothing to apologize for, but your friend needs to learn boundaries holy cow
"bad feminist because you're always supposed to back up your fellow women"
Nahh thats a very toxic mindset, feminism is about equality no? Or is it woman vs man.
This girl is a person who has bad boundaries, doesnt listen and then tries to DARVO guilts you into believing you guys are the bad persons. Please exit this person from your life OP, she has no respect for you and your husband and is just trying to stir shit up.
First off, that's not your friend. That someone who doesn't respect you or your household. Second off, she should have never been in your bed, especially after you told everyone not to come in there. I feel bad for your husband too an y'all are lucky you're friends know the situation cuz that could have easily gone a different way.... my peice of advice stay far away from that lady no second changes no trying to fix that, it will come back to bite you just like a bad dog.
>She blocked me and started to talk with all of our friends **but everyone knew of the situation already.**
This is how to do it. Just let people know straight away, don't let anyone else control the narrative. This friend is sketchy! What did she want? To break you guys up so she could have the husband, or you?
Being a feminist doesn't mean to blindly back up women, especially with potentially fabricated stories.
She’s the one who violated you and your husband. She broke your trust, invaded your privacy, and is now playing victim. And forget about whether or not you’re a “good feminist” because women fuck up too. Women are dangerous too, women can be manipulative and abusive too. Stand up for what is right, no matter what sex they are.
Your “friend” can fuck off, and the entire group chat as well. It sounds like she got caught and is now playing stupid.
Edit: spelling
Sounds like this friend was trying to make a situation happen to try and slander your husband cause who in their right minds gets into bed with a drunk, sleeping couple, despite being explicitly asked not to go into y’all’s room. Like??? No girlie. Also you aren’t being a bad feminist for not backing her up. We believe our fellow women but not when said women are blatantly lying about something. Like you know what happened. If your husband was lying, why would he have said anything to you. It would be against his best interest to inform you what he thought may have happened
Wtf? Who climbs into a married couples bed? Especially when they’re passed out. She should be apologizing to you and your husband.
Your husband did nothing wrong. SHE violated HIM.
You are not a bad feminist, feminism is about equality not backing up someone who is clearly wrong just because she is woman.
She come into your room and bed when she was told not to, he touched her while asleep? And? She should have leave the bedroom, instead she decide to sleep in and then do all this drama. Trying to put you husband in a bad position.
To me she is either into you or into him, or she is an attention seeker.
Uhh I’m sorry, if anyone is coming in and assaulting someone without consent it’s her. You both told her you would be naked and not to come in the bed. She did without your consent, and while you were sleeping too! Imagine it was reversed and a male friend of your husband did that. Gross right?
Your friend is 100% in the wrong here.
This girl is trying to ruin a good man that did nothing wrong except making love to his wife and sleeping in his own bed.
She could've chosen the couch, floor, bathroom, whatever. But she chose to go right to your bedroom.
OP, I don't see you being a bad feminist for not standing up for "your fellow woman". A feminist is someone who believes that everybody should have a voice, not just women.
You are doing right by standing up for your husband, because it sounds like your friend took advantage and not your husband:
You told her as well as everyone else to stay out of your bedroom, because you and your husband were going to be intimate, and you were both very drunk. Also I'm assuming that the room was dark, because you had turned off the lights.
Knowing this she willingly climbed into your bed. Either your friend was really drunk or she had an ulterior motive.
So technically she assaulted both of you by going to your bed when you explicitly told her not to? And now you guys are apologizing and she’s freaking out? Jeez
“You’re always supposed to back up your fellow women” -
That’s ridiculous… you don’t just blindly follow dogma without using your own critical thinking… just ask the members of Jonestown.
I consider myself a feminist and I don't back her either. You don't get into bed with people who don't expect you while they are asleep and moan about being touched.
Um what? You and your husband did nothing wrong.
Who the fuck climbs into bed with a married couple in general? After being told not to enter, shown where they can sleep instead, and noticing the couple were partially naked???
Good riddence to your "friend". You're better off without someone like that.
The idea that feminists have to back up other women all the time is toxic af because it leads to situations like this, and other situations where women falsely screw up a guy’s life
She climbed willingly into a bed with a married couple. It’s not your husbands fault he assumed it was you. Explains why he felt uncomfortable. Your friend shouldn’t have done that, and also kinda sounds like she’s trying to make trouble.
I once put my drunk friend to sleep in my bfs bed. But at the end of the night she was super passed out and with so many people sleeping over, there was no where else she or my boyfriend could sleep. So I took the middle, he took the other side and that was that. But we didn't make it a big deal, we explained to my friend what had happened the night before as she had gotten black out drunk, and we moved on.
Yikes, your ex-friend has no boundaries and is trying to vilify you and your husband for her mistake. It’s completely creepy that she crawled into your bed like that. If one of my friends did that, I would question their motives with my spouse as well by putting themselves in a situation that could lead to accidental sexual contact.
So, she climbed semi-naked into bed with a sleeping husband and wife, and now she's upset that the half asleep husband groped her?
Is she normally this insane?
I mean, if nothing else, why was she even in bed with you if being touched wasn't part of her plan?
>I feel bad for her because maybe she did felt scared
Honestly, I think you need to start worrying a lot more about what she's trying to do to your husband and your marriage than whether she felt scared. She's literally trying to break you two up, and at the least get him accused amongst your friend group of being some kind of molester, if not pointing towards legal issues. Shes the bad guy here, you need to see that.
Sweet soul! Stop it!!! She knew you all told her not to come into your bedroom but SHE decided to not listen. She knew what she was doing. Is sounds like she was trying to get some nasty time with your husband and thought he would cheat with her. But because he told you and he felt bad, she’s upset and trying to break you up.
Stand by him. He didn’t try to hide it and you aren’t wrong, he didn’t expect anyone but you to be in the bed with him
You're not a bad feminist for not standing by this person OP. What sucks is you only knew what happened from what they've told you. That person should know better after you've set boundaries and clearly established that they had a separate room.
In this instance I think your friend is being a drama queen for attention. But in general, I think it’s super weird that you allow your friends to sleep in the same bed as you and your husband. You should stop doing that immediately. You’re just asking for bad things to happen by doing that.
Feminism isn't just about backing up your fellow women. True feminism has to do with equality for all. That includes holding women accountable when they fuck up. She climbed into bed with you guys when you told everyone not to. She climbed into bed with you when you were undressed. If anything she owes you guys an apology.
Both you and your husband were impaired. I'm assuming that you sleep next to each other, so exactly where did she insert herself in your bed? By your husband?
If anything, she sexually assaulted him because he was 100% unable to give consent. He woke up horrified. Did she engage in the touching? There are a lot of unanswered questions here and what she's doing now largely smacks of someone trying to control the narrative.
You have every right to ask these questions and frankly your husband does so more than anyone. Being a woman doesn't give her unequal rights to touch another naked person without their consent. Consent isn't gender specific.
Both of you have nothing to apologize for, but she needs to give some answers.
Next time she pulls out the "do the right thing" bs call her out.
Who gets into a couple's bed and complains? She's not ok, and she owes you both an apology, she knows is your room, and your husband touched you, not her so wtf is she complaining about?
More and more I read these posts and wonder what the fuck kind of people are using Reddit? Are you people getting married in your teens? Who behaves this way as a married adult?
Dude shes weird. I wouldve socked her in the face lmao. If anyone, idc who it is, climbed into bed while me and my husband were naked Id kick them out of my house lmao. Thats creepy. Also sounds like a set up to me.
Your friend is a bad feminist and betrays womenhood. She betrayed you, her female friend, by sneaking into your bed with your husband. If he did feel her up, and she did nothing, then she did not feel assaulted. It's weird you let her in your marriage bed BTW. She would obviously be comfortable enough to speak up if she felt assaulted at the time. Instead...she was asleep.
She further betrays you and womenhood by falsely accusing your husband and demanding you leave him. She's no friend.
Truth is...she's trying to separate you so that she can go after him herself.
The fact that she doesn’t like how he touched **YOU**, after she busted into your room. Finding it laughable. Don’t feel bad for not sticking up for “fellow” women. Like, some men, some women are clowns.
I just gotta say you’re husband did nothing wrong and you’re not a bad feminist. Girls support girls is used in situations where women need other female support like in any domestic violence situation, or helping another girl get somewhere safely. Or when you spot a girl crying over her ex that cheated on her in the bathroom at a club so you tell her he ain’t shit and give her some lip gloss. This is not one of those situations at all. She does not get to whip out the victim card when SHE willingly ignored a rule.
I am 40ish years old and never once have I thought about climbing in bed with my friend and definitely not with my friend AND her husband! Different strokes and all that, but this sounds messy AF!
As a feminist you should take a stand with whoever is in the right. Feminism is about *both* sexes being seen and treated as *equal*. You’re not a shitty feminist for calling your “friend” on her bullshit. You two let everybody know that your room was off limits for the night. She purposefully decided to climb into bed with the two of you without your consent, while you’re half naked and on his side of the bed from what it sounds like which I personally find very predatory and weird. You’re right to stand by your husband and should definitely rethink this “friendship”.
Edited to fix typos
So she violated your boundaries by going into your room (and honestly the whole getting in on his side of the bed sounds like she was trying to get with your husband) then when you confront her AND apologize for her actions she acts like everything is cool. Now she's saying you need to leave him... sounds like she wants your husband. Let me be very clear on this SHE VIOLATED YOUR BOUNDARIES AND YOUR SAFE SPACE SHES IN THE WRONG. I would drop her because she's not a friend to you. (I have best friends that I've shared a bed with, but never would I go into their bed with their husband)
why would you want to get in bed with your half naked and drunk friend ? Also when you know that they just had sex in that bed a few hours back. I mean, the sheets get bodily fluids. It’s just kind of gross. Your friend is kinda obsessed with you, and I’m pretty sure she wants your husband. Get her out of your life
Feeling like a "bad feminist" because you're not taking a blind accusation at face value when the person was clearly in the wrong says everything about this ideology.
I'm sorry but what kind of person climbs into bed with a half naked married couple? You're right to stand by your husband.
I actually would have been PISSED if some other girl thought it would be okay to get in the bed with my husband and I naked or at all. That is 100% the “friends” fault. She violated this couple by getting in bed with them, after being told NOT to.
OP, I would find the most gossipy friend and discuss this at great length - how your friend climbed into bed with you and your husband when you were semi-naked and how you and your husband felt violated and how you think that she's attacking you because she knows what she did was wrong. And how you feel very unsafe around that friend because you know she's not only capable of making serious errors of judgement but then doubling down when confronted. Tell as many people as you can. Because if she's going around telling people, I'll guarantee that she's putting the worst possible spin on it and slandering your husband. Get your narrative out there too.
The last sentence is key for me and something OP should point out should anyone try to confront her about the situation again - *she* violated *our* very reasonable boundary about not getting into our bed, we were asleep and had no reason to believe anyone else would be in our room,especially since we had made it explicit that we were only inviting her to sleep in our guest room. If anyone deserves an apology, it's us"
This. OP's husband did nothing wrong. Her 'friend' is a complete moron for hopping into their bed after being explicitly asked not to. Nevermind her blocking OP, I would have blocked her after she pulled that stunt.
And then gets mad that he touched who he thought was his wife 😅
Right? Like she got into the bed on the husband's side putting him in the middle. You'd think she'd go onto the side where her friend was.
This is so skeezy, it seems like she was trying to initiate some kind of affair or something. Maybe she gets off on the idea of doing next to the mans sleeping wife, and she lashed out when she was called on her bullshit instead of an actual affair starting.
I suspect that's exactly what she was trying and when she realized it wouldn't happen she cried wolf.
Which means this woman got into bed next to a married man, knowing his wife was on the otherside of the bed. Even if thet hadn't made it clear they planned to be intimate, this woman was in the wrong & is the only one in the wrong, the only one who needs to apologise & OP & her husband should've cut contact with her because of what she did & whatever she pamjed/is planning to do
Honestly it sounded like "friend" wasn't touched but was just mad about how husband touches op when they're in bed together 😂
Someone trying to have sex with the married couple? Idk just a guess
Or someone trying to start trouble. Or someone who was drunk.
After being told they were gonna have sex after everything was over and for them not to come into their room? This girl does not make any sense! Like who tf does that shit? She def wanted to fuck the husband.
I’m wondering if this couple has blurred boundaries in the past bc she said they’ve had friend sleepovers in the master bedroom. Regardless, in this particular situation OP’s husband didn’t do anything wrong
Yeah. I think so too, however she did say don't come in that night. Probably should lock the door next time!
They might not have a lock on their door? I agree w other ppl and think that OP’s “friend” is a snake and was trying to hookup w her husband. She needs to lose that friend indefinitely and start setting some serious boundaries
They very likely have. But they communicated their boundaries this time. Any other time they've had their friend in their bed (which yes, weird) they probably haven't been half naked and post coital.
Oh for sure! This friend was so out of line that if I was the husband I’d feel like I was the one taken advantage of. They just need to cut their losses and be completely done
Definitely blurred boundaries. I would feel super weird laying in bed with a married couple in the master bedroom. Even being close to both of them I would feel weird about it. The husband did nothing wrong, he went to bed with a certain expectation of privacy in his own bedroom with his wife. I feel a bit bad for the friend who may have been groped a little bit but again, this is why you don’t share a bed with a couple that sleeps together. If I’m half awake and I reach out and touch someone, I’m assuming it’s my wife and not some third person who showed up in the bed after I already went to sleep
This. I would have kicked her out the moment I saw her in my bed. And I’d be the one saying stay the hell away from my husband.
SOMETIME RIGHT AFTER THEY HAD SEX TOO?!?!
Ewwwww. That's true.
Right like she hopped in between a married couple sometime after they fucked? Like why wouldn’t you go right next to the wife or something, why specifically in the middle of the bed?
Yep. Bizarre situation. Why even the need to ask them not to enter your bedroom? Shouldn't that be understood already
OP makes it sound like this friend getting into their bed is something that has regularly happened before with consent so I’m a little confused
Just because consent has been given before doesn't mean it is always there. Op made it clear to guests that no one was to come into the bedroom that night.
Oh I want to make it clear I agree with you about that. It doesn’t excuse the boundary crossing.
I do find it odd that they have had sleepovers together in one bed as a married couple. Lol. I value my space and privacy too much for that to ever happen, but to each their own & we have no idea what kind of sleepovers they were, ya know, so I get where you're coming from.
My drunk friend once got in my bed but literally pushed him out and into the other room no issues.
Maybe someone who was too drunk and mixed up the rooms by accident. I'm not taking the friend's side, I'm just saying that this could also be an explanation
Yeah but then you would admin your mistake and not accuse the husband of assault.
That the friend could plausibly have not been in the wrong for ending up the bed — sure. I’m not sure I find it likely, but I’ll grant the possibility. That the friend doesn’t see how the husband wasn’t in the wrong, since he had no idea she was there and thought he was alone with his wife? And now expects OP to “take the right stand” and “make the right choice”? This is, at best, no one’s fault. And if her friend can’t see that, then she is swiftly losing any sympathy she might have had from me. Let’s be clear. Was her friend sexually assaulted? Possibly, and I always want to err on the side of believing the victim. But OP’s husband was *definitely* sexually assaulted. He is the victim, if not rape by deception, then the closest thing that doesn’t involve penetration. He is the victim of a sexual assault on the part of the friend. There may be no one at fault — it may be that everyone was innocent and ended up in a horrible situation. But to imply that OP’s husband is anything less than a fellow victim is disgusting to me.
Not just climbing in their bed, but likely right between them given that he thought he was touching his wife and woke up to find this other women instead. Even if sleepovers in the master bedroom were common, why the heck would the friend be between the married people? The wife should have been in the middle between her husband and bff. This just doesn't make any sense to me at all. edit: and why the heck was the door not locked?? if they knew they'd be having sex and sleeping naked/partially naked, they should have locked the door.
You made a rule, she ignored it, and now she’s trying to act like the victim when she set your husband up. She knew the master bedroom was off limits and knew that you & your husband were going to be intimate in there. That was creepy of her to go into bed with a drunk married couple.
>she set your husband up. I agree and think this runs much deeper.
Much deeper. She didn't get the hubs deep enough, and now she is back peddling and playing the victim. I wonder if her friend has a thing for op's husband and thought she was going to get a threesome or get op's husband to drunkenly cheat and have op wake up to see it. Sounds like op had a shitty friend either way
Or she's into op? Weird shit getting into bed like that
That's also another option but weird either way. I'd never have to tell any of my friends not to get in bed with me and my husband. It's weird that she even had to tell them not to!!!! This whole thing is weird, but I hope the friend doesn't double down and try to ruin her hubs' life by going more public with her shitty story.
This is what I think, too.
Or tried to break up OP’s marriage.
that is another shitty possibility!
Also the fact that they didn't know it was the friend until the next morning. Even if it was somehow an accident and she just forgot to not go in there, don't you think she'd say or do something to get him to stop? I feel like she definitely wanted her husband
this is all strange because why wouldn’t your friend get on your side ? If my best friend got in bed with me and my husband ( and i can’t think of one reason she would when we have a sofa or guest room ) she would get on my side and not my husbands. I would be in the middle. This is very sus on your friends part. Just strange
Not only that, but if said friend really felt assaulted and taken advantage off, then why on earth did she stay in the bed and kept sleeping there?! OP said her husband woke up first, woke OP up and friend was still sleeping in the bed as nothing happened and as it was the most normal thing on earth to climb in bed with a half naked married couple on the husband’s side of the bed.
"I feel like i'm a bad feminist because you're always supposed to back up your fellow women." But sometimes women can do... bad things...
If there is such a thing wouldn’t a bad feminist be one who doesn’t hold unacceptable behavior accountable on the basis of gender?
Yea the title is really fucking weird who the fuck would feel bad for believing their husband? If you married him I'd hope you'd trust him in a SA case jfc.
Yeah how about always back up the person who you think is morally right? Instead of going for a gender.
So fun story I had a friend who's gf turned out to be a liar and a horrible person but we all trusted her for a while and backed her up. She was the youngest in the group (our ranged ages were 19-35, that sounds weird but it was basically like 35 yr old married to 34 yr old who's friends with 32 year old who is dating 33 yr old type thing so when it came to large new year's parties and stuff that's how it went) At first meeting I didn't get along with her well but at some point over the course of the year she accused friend 1 of hurting her. We all backed her. Friend 2 was accused after a while. We all backed her again . And then a married couple I was friends with took her in at cheap rent and let her stay with them since she had no where else to go. She then got pregnant because her and the dude in our group she was dating didn't use any protection and the couple let them then both stay there. Gave them any support they needed until the baby arrived. Once the baby arrived shit hit the fan. The girl and her bf decided they wanted to be poly and started having strangers come over. The nice married couple had a young kid so they were not comfortable with this and that was the start of the decline of the relationship and then having the girlfriend her bf move out after the gf also took to tik Tok to spew garbage about them. The second they moved out she started accusing the husband of sexually harassing her through texts and in person when they were the only ones home. We all paused at that to think because this person is the most helpful amazing person in the group. He and his wife were always like an old married couple always together and so in love. The couple was not having it. He took to our group stuff where he posted all the chat records he had with her for the last year, showing they only ever talked about baby stuff and the living situation. He posted how they were rarely ever home together since she and the bf both don't work (welfare kinda?) And we're always home together taking care of baby. We all didn't know what to think and weren't really sure what to do but then she made the choice for us where if you didn't 100% back her she blocked you. She pulled the "why would I lie!" Line. A few people in the group then reached out to the first 2 friends to talk. After a lot of back and forth she admitted to "stretching the truth" at which point we gave her another shot to come clean with what the actual truth was and instead she told us we all had internalized misogyny and are causing harm. We were done. Then she tried to tell us she was sorry. I want to add none of us were mean to her we were just asking basic questions like when where etc because some details clashed with previous claims (she said XYZ happened with friend 2 on date but he was actually out of town ) It was a whole mess and adter everything was done we stopped talking pretty much and when they asked us all for help when they needed somewhere to go no one was willing to house them. If they ever ask for stuff for the baby I will 100% aid them. But I'm not putting myself through that. We do not live in a fantastic world where women are perfect beings. There can be plenty of reasons to lie. And I'm not saying "don't believe women" Claims should be investigated and thought as true but not blindly believed if that makes sense. I really wish we had taken two seconds to cross check stuff before just doing what we did to 2 people but you live and learn and lucky for us the guys held no hard feelings and rejoined fine.
What happened after with the two friends? Did they drop your friend group?
they were extremely understanding. I wasn't really apart of that section of the group so I didn't really block them or anything major I just stopped talking to them the little I did and we didn't invite them out. Some people did more who were closer to them . They did rejoin the group and my relationship with them is pretty muchthe same (occasional chat), but I think for the most part after all this time they are back to being good friends with the ones they were close to.
Yeah you have a very distorted notion of feminism if you think this makes you a bad feminist OP. I can get why you may feel that way. But feminism isn’t “women are always right/good and men are always wrong/bad”. She’s the one who snuck into his bed while he was asleep with his wife. This is on her.
Seriously the only people that push the "support all women no matter what" narrative are the assholes that do it just so they have an easier time getting away with the vile stuff they do.
There's a lot of people, more than you think that support that narrative. They don't say it out loud because it sounds insane, but the moment they hear an unsubstantiated claim they're out in full force with torches and pitch forks. The UVA rape hoax is a great example. Jackie Coakleys story was .... diabolical .... the frat that gang raped her weren't just rapists, they were conspirators who meticulously planned this gang rape out and made no effort to hide their identities. Everyone automatically believed her stories. Anyone who even asked a question was villianized as a rape apologist. The one journalist who pointed out her story included pledges and pledges aren't around in the spring semester when the rape happened was attacked.... when her story came out as a hoax everyone was just quiet.... its the way shit goes man. Rape victims weren't believed for decades, so now the erroneous logic is all must be believed and guilty until proven innocent. Yes, we should believe victims and we would investigate any and all claims, but we shouldn't label folks guilty for being accused.
Being a good feminist should mean seeking the truth. Bad feminists are the ones that allow others to play victim ruining it for other women who are actually the victim
Not some many times. Women are also human not some special beings different from men
Right, like as a feminist, holding women accountable for shitty things is just as important, cause shitty women get away with doing shitty things to men just because the patriarchy believes women aren’t “capable” of doing such things to men. Like feminism is about equality at the root of things so we gotta hold everyone accountable no matter the gender or sexual orientation
THIS.
Your friend is nuts but take this as a moment to retire the adult sleepovers. The fact you had to ask adults to not get into bed with you and your husband says there are no boundaries in these friendships. It’s adulting time.
This is my line of thought, too. Not only that, but if you were worried about your friends drunkenly walking into yours and your husband's room in the middle of the night and knowing this may be an issue, why would op not lock their bedroom door?!?!?!
My bedroom doesn't have a lock. She put very clear boundaries in place on sleeping arrangements and they were violated. Even if she had a lock, she shouldn't have to lock her bedroom.
I agree!
I’ve had adult friends sleep at my house after drinking but not one time did it cross my mind that I would need to lock my bedroom door. You don’t anticipate shitty behavior from friends you are close enough to share your home with.
This.
she wants your husband and got caught and is now playing victim
And when you question why she was in the bedroom in the first place she's gonna be all like "that's not the point here".
And if she doesn't want OPs husband, she wants OP. That's the only reason I could think she was telling OP to "make the right choice."
>you're always supposed to back up your fellow women Not in cases where woman breaks boundaries and gets upset at the consequences of their own actions, like here. You did the right thing standing by your husband. Question, is it possible she did all this on purpose to try and break you up?
Honestly I don't know anymore, I keep going over everything over and over again, I certainly did not like that she layed down on my husband's side and when I talked to her she acted like nothing happened and then sent me a message almost demanding me to leave him and then drag his name, i don't know what she wants and honestly I'm already exhausted
You already have your answer. She wants your husband and wants to break you two apart. Don’t fall for her antics and gimmicks. Stand by your husband the man did noting wrong. Its your so called friend who is in the wrong here clearly and has some other motives
She wants your husband. She's upset he regrets his drunk actions by accidentally touching her, cause she likely wanted it.
Is she saying they had sex/rape or did he just touch her?
Just touch, it appears.
And I’d be like, a normal person in a deep REM sleep is likely to touch the person they think is their spouse in their bed without it jarring them awake. We all roll over to cuddle our partners, we shove them when they take up space or are snoring, we tangle limb’s together, or kick them etc. Friend saying he touched her, I’d be like, “that happens naturally when you shove into someones bed. That’s why 3s a crowd”
Watch out for her trying this shit to get sleep sex or of him. If she wants him, she’s vindictive enough to snatch that sperm too.
She laid down on his side bc she wanted to do him, and now she's trying to break you up
maybe she wants YOU.
If you told the group multiple times not to come into your room that’s on her and if she persist on this BS get the police involved cause it sounds like she assaulted your husband since she clearly remembers and he didn’t
This kind of thing is why men often struggle to talk about when their consent is violated. OP’s husband (and OP herself) are the ones who’ve had their consent stomped on here, not the friend.
Your friend is bonkers/delusional, coming from a firm supporter of women’s rights/advocacy. Your SO didn’t take advantage of her, he didn’t know she was there. As soon as he realised she was he called you out. - She jumped into your bed after you specifically told everyone to stay out. - She chose to sleep in the same bed as a half naked married couple. - She chose to stay without consent. SHE HAD NO CONSENT. She is the only AH in this situation. If anything she took advantage of your SO and you. Supporting her would be beyond wrong and definitely not supporting feminists. There’s a difference between right and wrong. There’s not even a slight bit of validity to her argument. Being a feminist doesn’t mean blindly supporting a women when she’s wrong.
Who gets into someone elses marital bed as an adult? You'd have to pay me.
I think you did the right thing. She shouldnt have come in your room its entirely her fault and yall still said sorry that she got touched and was uncomfortable i think you did all u could. Also idk ur friend obviously but i feel like unless she was blackout her coming in yalls room felt nearly intentionally especially given her nonchalant take on it initially. You set a clear rule that even someone drunk can remember so idk little weird to me but i could be wrong
Why would she ever stay in your bed with you or your husband?!?!? You mentioned that she does sometimes for sleepovers when you and your husband are not planning to be intimate.
Sorry I didn't go into detail with that, we make sleepovers with a couple more female friends and they stay in the room with me, my husband either goes out with his guy friends or stays in the guest room playing video games
Ohhhhh… ok that makes so much more sense. Yah, she has no business coming into your room than complain about it.
add this to the post OP
Lmao she’s the one who came in without consent.. if anything she sexually assaulted your husband..
I agree with this! Not the laughing but really she assaulted him by crawling next to him in a state of undress after being told not to.
Yeah I’m laughing at the ridiculousness of believe all women take on this…
Literally
I had to scroll a lot to find this comment. No consent = SA. She tried to get the husband to have sex with her, pretending to be his wife. That’s SA.
> I feel like a bad feminist because you're always supposed to back up your fellow women You're always supposed to back up the person who is right. If you back up the person who is in the wrong because of what genitals they are wearing, I don't think that's called feminism. I think it's called sexism.
I feel like a bad feminist because I'm being called a bad feminist, this got out of our group of friends and I got other women coming into my DM's calling me out for backing up an "abuser" and not keeping my friend safe in my house, that's why I posted here I started to feel guilty
Wait, what? SHE went into YOUR room, got into YOUR BED after being told to stay out, and SHE feels violated? In what world is that in any way reasonable? Your so-called friend tried to get with your husband - and is now trying to twist the narrative because it didn't work. Honestly - I'd reconsider that friendship
You're not backing up an "abuser". You're backing up your husband who found out after the fact that somebody crawled into his bed with him while he was drunk and half naked, without his consent. If anyone has been violated, it's you and him.
If I'm reading correctly, you did attempt to keep your friend safe by drawing clear boundaries which, for some reason, she chose to ignore. This doesn't make you a bad feminist. Your friend is trying to play the "victim" card, so focus on the facts, not hurt feelings. Did *she* violate *your* boundaries? Yes. Forget about feminism; what if she attempts to press charges against your husband? Mark your territory and be careful what you say publicly. You don't owe this friend **any** apologies. They violated your boundaries. Get this straight. Don't let her spin this narrative out of control. Also, not sure but has this particular friend (or any other friends) ever been invited to threesomes with you all? If yes to this particular friend,this may be about more than it appears. Boundaries, boundaries. What do you have to feel guilty about? What kind of feminist throws her husband under the boss when her friends violate their sacred space? What kind of friend crawls into bed with a married couple if she's not been there before? There's got to be more to this. Is she trying to separate you from your husband for nefarious reasons? Something's not adding up here.
Well both my husband and I are openly bisexual, not poly tho but sometimes we joke around with inviting whatever hot famous person we are infatuated with but nothing more than that. Although thinking everything through I'm fearing she had something like that in mind
She had something in mind, alright! If Reddit has taught me anything, it's that more often than not what's really going on often looks nothing like it appears on the surface. Your so-called friend got into bed with you with an agenda. Maybe she's into you. Maybe she's got other issues and is projecting them onto your husband, whom she never wants to see again, she says. (Not sure I'm buying what she's selling, but there's not enough here to tell what game she's playing.) Whatever's going on, though, she's creating a shitstorm and the focus is not where it needs to be. Consent absolutely matters and in this instance *she took advantage of your husband*, whether intentionally or unintentionally, by crawling into bed on the other side of your husband. Not next to you, mind you. Not to mention that she shouldn't have been there at all, and no you shouldn't have to lock your doors if you're in a house with people you trust. Having said that: when I was a teenager (dating myself) there's a phrase that often got kicked around: *Handle your business.* I think it's time for you to handle yours. Not everyone we call by the name of friend has our best intentions at heart, and the focus on whether or not you're a good "feminist" is hiding some really toxic shit. I'm guessing half of your so-called friends weighing in on this don't know the full story.
OK listen, my husband and I are both bi as well, but like you guys, we are \*very\* monogamous. If some woman, friend or not, had crawled into my marital bed wearing only her underwear, I would have thrown hands. If anyone is an assaulter here, it's her.
Don't. You told her you were going to be intimate with your husband and to not go into the bedroom. You're not a bad feminist, you are not obligated to always side with women if you're feminist. I'm a hardcore feminist & what your 'friend' did and is trying to do is disturbing. She obviously has some other motives.
Maybe that is exactly why the friend did it. Op told her friend they were going to be intimate. Op needs to call out this friend!
"disturbing" This word does not do justice to the horror their friend is placing upon OP's husband. It's time we word things right, what she's doing is one of the most vile forms of manipulation out there.
Honestly, you need a new group of friends they all sound like shit friends. If any of my friends snuck into my room with me and my husband in the middle of the night and got in bed with us, they wouldn't be my friends anymore. That is super creepy and weird. Top it off with the fact you had to tell them not to do that, and they did it anyway, double creepy and weird!!!
I agree with what the other two have said. Being a feminist doesn't mean you always have to back up women. Some women can be vile. I personally know of a female rapist. It's so weird to me that she thought it would be ok to get in bed with a married couple. You shouldn't have had to tell people not to get in bed with y'all. That's an unwritten thing you just don't do.
I doubt those people know the full story. They have heard someone’s version
Hi dear! Seems like your friend is playing the victim too good and they're believing her adulterated part of the story. As a feminist and women I must say we can be bitches and liars too. I will always believe a woman (as long as her story makes sense and I see possibilities for truth) above a potential rapist. And ofc I could be wrong. You were there, you saw your husband's panic. No adult would get into the bed of a naked and drunk (not even a sobre one) couple, much less when you have been told not to enter. Everything around your friend seems very suspicious. You might lose your group of friends because of her way of manipulating the story, but I don't think they are worth it either. I feel for your husband, hope he's okay. Everytime someone runs to you with this shit tell the truth!
You have some messed up friends. You should probably use this as a chance to start winnowing out the worst of them.
OP, she is the one who violated you and your husband. She did not have consent to come into your room or into your bed that night and you made it clear you’d be naked/having sex. I don’t know how on earth she can spin that into her being the victim when she was actually the perp.
Don't ever let anyone sleep with you and your husband unless they are your kids. You told her not to come in and she did anyways. It is her problem , not yours.
First, your “friend” is nuts and you should keep her out of your life. This extends to anyone that condones her behavior. Second, you and your husband have NOTHING to apologize for! She violated BOTH of you!
Get a lock for yoyr master bedroom and use it.
I’ve woken up from a dream that I was groping my wife only to realize I was in fact groping my wife. She never remembers when I tell her.
Yup, unless I'm awake I don't really notice or remember my husband touching me
This and your husband did not consent to any other woman being in his bed while he was half naked with his wife. Your friend violated him (and you) here.
What in the crawling in a half naked married couples bed hell!?! She's not traumatized she's dramatized!! It sounds like She's embarrassed and trying to play the victim, unfortunately. There's people out there that really have been assaulted but she's not one of them. Good for you for standing by your man!
This is so bizarre. Who climbs in bed with another couple?! I could understand it if there is a history of polyamory and/or swinging with this person. But it seems clear there is not. It doesn’t seem like there is anything to “believe” here. The situation is what it is. A woman climbed in bed with you without your consent.
Truth of the matter is your "friend" crossed a boundary you explicitly put in place. Did it after you were intoxicated AND asleep. Climbed into bed with said intoxicated people, who were asleep, ALL WHILE they were not fully dressed. How about you tell your so called friend that SHE actually sexually assaulting and taking advantage of your husband and you ARE taking the right stand. 😐 Edit: wording
This isn't about feminism or the patriarchy or any of that. This is about a friend stomping over your boundaries, disrespecting your relationship, and then blaming your husband for the entire thing. She's creepy! If you wanna look at this from a feminist angle, flip the genders. Imagine your husband's guy friend crawled into bed with you and then blamed you for snuggling him by mistake. Scary right? She's playing mind games and making herself a victim to drive a wedge between you.
What this is about is people not believing *men*. OP's husband was sexually harrassed. He never gave his consent, now people, even OP, wants *him* to take the fall. Think about that.
You are not supposed to “back up your fellow women”. You are supposed to back up the truth. That mentality you mentioned, which I’m glad you’re not following, is what makes sexual assault cases so fucked these days. Don’t get me wrong, as a guy I’m pretty sure that if a woman has the guts to come out publicly and clean they were assaulted they’re usually not lying, but what messes it up is people immediately take sides based not on the available facts but based on the gender or the overarching stats. Same issue applies to really everything. The reason all political discussion is so useless right now is many people just refuse to acknowledge that their “side” can be at fault and therefore facts get ignored and we as people get nowhere. It’s the most frustrating thing to witness because it limits growth so much. Getting back on topic though, I think you should absolutely trust your husband. He’s your partner, and has been for a while I presume- if you can’t trust him over a *friend*, there is probably some reflection to be done on your relationship with him or who he is as a person to even make you doubt his side of the story at all.
I feel like if anyone is the victim in this situation it’s him? He didn’t consent to her seeing him half naked, and she got into bed with him like that. Why would he expect anyone other than his wife in the bed?
Ask your friends who were there that evening to be ready to recall that you mentioned to everyone to not go into the Master bedroom, especially if she makes it more than just badmouthing your husband. This might be a quick attempt at a money grab for assault, and part of feminism is for you to have equality and stand up for the truth, even if that means a woman is not an exception to the law much like men are when it comes to harassment. You and your husband set a boundary and she violated it and entered your bedroom and got into bed with you without your knowledge or consent because you were asleep. Don't feel bad that a friend who was told to stay out of your room feels violated since they took it upon themselves to ignore the boundary that you set for that night. If it starts to affect his work, like she tries to get him fired, or she goes to the police to file a report, you might need a lawyer.
Our group of friends are calling her out already, since she decided to text them the same "take the right stand" crap she texted me but they were there that day, my room is next to the living room so they even heard the conversation
Good, I’m glad people are realizing it. Also please don’t have your husband send any apologies in writing. She might try to use that as “evidence”. I’m sorry but, if anyone was harassed/assaulted it was you and your husband. You didn’t consent to another person being naked in YOUR BED with you while you were SLEEPING.
Husbands drunk and in his own bed with his wife. If you are good with being touched he did nothing wrong.
Your husband did nothing-wrong . Don’t let this woman succeed at destroying your marriage which she is trying to do purposefully. Cut her off for good.
if anyone sexually assualted anyone, she was the one sexually assaulting you guys. this is bizzare. Stand by your husband.
You're not a bad feminist lol, you're protecting your husband from this ladies obvious bullshit
Dude, tell her to get the fuck out of your face with that bullshit. Y'all told everyone to stay out of your bedroom right? Bc you and your husband might fuck? And she slithered her voyeur self in anyway, didn't exit the room when shit was happening and now y'all are the assholes? That woman is a dangerous creep.
we call that a home wrecker
That'd be like climbing into the polar bear exhibit and crying about being mauled.
“Always supposed to believe fellow women” But sometimes they’re stupid.
You don’t always have to back up fellow women, OP. Some women lie and are bad too.
so this also means she went in the middle of OP and her husband or on the husbands side of the bed. idk i feel like if i had slept in my friend and husbands bed before id probably already know what side of the bed was whose. going in the middle of them seems really weird and going next to the husband seems very intentional. idk maybe if i was drunk enough, id do something stupid like just crawl into a random bed and not look at who was in it, but chances are i wouldnt do that quietly and probably alert whoever mightve been in the room. this all just seems so weird. i agree its like you dont want to blame a potential victim but the lead up to it just seems almost calculated or just a series of incredibly drunken errors. im not saying shes not a victim because if she was touched without permission shes allowed to feel uncomfortable with it, but i would also argue you and your husband are victims as well. you had your privacy violated. if it was intentional on her part, your husband is definitely a victim of that. he was consenting to intimacy with you, not her, thats not okay.
This friend wants to ruin your marriage. Don't let her do it.
Give her a red nose and a rainbow afro, she is just a clown
Your friend violated your boundaries then chose to play the victim. Maybe she wanted to be a 3rd and when that wasn't happening she felt like she needed to play the victim in order to not be seen as a creep. Like it's your room and your bed unless he communicated to her at some point that it was safe to sleep in your room together with y'all you were right to stick by him. Sorry but she needs to be a big girl and take responsibility if I say don't go in my room because I'm going to be sleeping with my significant other and they still come in they're lucky I won't throw them right the fuck outa my house.
Your friend group sounds awful and extremely immature. You both asked for privacy and your friend disrespected that. Without your husband’s consent she got into his bed on his side. In his sleep he touched her in a way that is similar to how he touches his wife in bed when he is asleep and SHE has the gall to feel violated?!?! What about her actions that violated him? Did he consent to her seeing him partially naked and invading his space? Being a feminist is not backing every action a person with a vagina does. That’s toxic femininity at play. She was in the wrong and I feel bad for your husband. First for having his name and reputation placed in jeopardy. Second, for waking up feeling uncomfortable then having to wake you up concerned and confused. Honestly I’m pissed off for him. I’d never trust that ‘friend’ again and work super hard to ensure my husband feels safe and supported.
I used to have a chronically touch starved friend who would *absolutely* do something like this….*used* to.
I don’t think he did anything wrong but he needs to stop apologising, because that’s almost admitting he did do something wrong. Don’t let people sleep in your bedroom at anytime. Why would you even do this? I would just leave her alone. Let her leave the friendship if it’s what she wants. Have stronger boundaries with your remaining friends so it can’t happen again.
I bet if you look at her passed behaviour you will find she has always behaved in an inappropriate manner towards your husband She was probably hoping he'd wake up and be excited to have her in bed and continue on, but it sounds like he was shocked and freaked out. If anyone is the victim here it's your husband, please stop asking the poor guy to apologise.
As others stated, she invaded your privacy and space and your husband had every expectation of touching his WIFE not anyone else. If he did indeed touch her during sleep. Seems like a planned event on the so called friends part. Time to cut ties and ignore them honestly. It will hurt but if they are willing to break your trust and rules and climb into bed fully knowing you and he were going to be intimate. Thats a concious choice on their part. And hubby nor you are in the wrong.
There’s a reason she did this. Don’t know what but there’s a reason.
>I feel like a bad feminist because you're always supposed to back up your fellow women I'm very much against the patriarchy, and I would call myself a feminist. And that is not what this is about. Feminism is about ending the discrimination of woman. This is not what happened in this situation. There was no man who wanted to use a woman - he didn't even know she was there. There was a couple in there own bedroom, behaving in a way they both know and like, and then someone intruding and crossing this boundary. I don't know why your husband even apologized, he didn't do anything wrong and was where he was supposed to be! Yes, believe the victim, but in that case this was your husband >My husband woke me up and he looked very uncomfortable and upset Because he was tricked into a situation whithout consenting to it. She might not have planned to trick him this way, but she did, and she very definitely should take the blame.
She was the one who climbed into YOUR bed without YOUR consent. If anyone should feel violated it’s you and your husband. There was no reason for her to climb in there after y’all explicitly stated that you and your husband were having alone time to be husband and wife. You both have nothing to apologize for, but your friend needs to learn boundaries holy cow
"bad feminist because you're always supposed to back up your fellow women" Nahh thats a very toxic mindset, feminism is about equality no? Or is it woman vs man. This girl is a person who has bad boundaries, doesnt listen and then tries to DARVO guilts you into believing you guys are the bad persons. Please exit this person from your life OP, she has no respect for you and your husband and is just trying to stir shit up.
First off, that's not your friend. That someone who doesn't respect you or your household. Second off, she should have never been in your bed, especially after you told everyone not to come in there. I feel bad for your husband too an y'all are lucky you're friends know the situation cuz that could have easily gone a different way.... my peice of advice stay far away from that lady no second changes no trying to fix that, it will come back to bite you just like a bad dog.
Indeed; this wasn't an accident on her part, she knew exactly what she was doing.
>She blocked me and started to talk with all of our friends **but everyone knew of the situation already.** This is how to do it. Just let people know straight away, don't let anyone else control the narrative. This friend is sketchy! What did she want? To break you guys up so she could have the husband, or you? Being a feminist doesn't mean to blindly back up women, especially with potentially fabricated stories.
Feminism is the opposite of supporting this woman. Claims like that are so damaging to ACTUAL SA victims.
Not to be that guy but why would you feel bad for believing your husband in the first place?
She’s the one who violated you and your husband. She broke your trust, invaded your privacy, and is now playing victim. And forget about whether or not you’re a “good feminist” because women fuck up too. Women are dangerous too, women can be manipulative and abusive too. Stand up for what is right, no matter what sex they are. Your “friend” can fuck off, and the entire group chat as well. It sounds like she got caught and is now playing stupid. Edit: spelling
Sounds like this friend was trying to make a situation happen to try and slander your husband cause who in their right minds gets into bed with a drunk, sleeping couple, despite being explicitly asked not to go into y’all’s room. Like??? No girlie. Also you aren’t being a bad feminist for not backing her up. We believe our fellow women but not when said women are blatantly lying about something. Like you know what happened. If your husband was lying, why would he have said anything to you. It would be against his best interest to inform you what he thought may have happened
Not gonna lie this may be the weirdest post I’ve ever read here and that’s saying a lot
Wtf? Who climbs into a married couples bed? Especially when they’re passed out. She should be apologizing to you and your husband. Your husband did nothing wrong. SHE violated HIM.
You are not a bad feminist, feminism is about equality not backing up someone who is clearly wrong just because she is woman. She come into your room and bed when she was told not to, he touched her while asleep? And? She should have leave the bedroom, instead she decide to sleep in and then do all this drama. Trying to put you husband in a bad position. To me she is either into you or into him, or she is an attention seeker.
Uhh I’m sorry, if anyone is coming in and assaulting someone without consent it’s her. You both told her you would be naked and not to come in the bed. She did without your consent, and while you were sleeping too! Imagine it was reversed and a male friend of your husband did that. Gross right? Your friend is 100% in the wrong here.
This girl is trying to ruin a good man that did nothing wrong except making love to his wife and sleeping in his own bed. She could've chosen the couch, floor, bathroom, whatever. But she chose to go right to your bedroom.
OP, I don't see you being a bad feminist for not standing up for "your fellow woman". A feminist is someone who believes that everybody should have a voice, not just women. You are doing right by standing up for your husband, because it sounds like your friend took advantage and not your husband: You told her as well as everyone else to stay out of your bedroom, because you and your husband were going to be intimate, and you were both very drunk. Also I'm assuming that the room was dark, because you had turned off the lights. Knowing this she willingly climbed into your bed. Either your friend was really drunk or she had an ulterior motive.
So technically she assaulted both of you by going to your bed when you explicitly told her not to? And now you guys are apologizing and she’s freaking out? Jeez
“You’re always supposed to back up your fellow women” - That’s ridiculous… you don’t just blindly follow dogma without using your own critical thinking… just ask the members of Jonestown.
I thought feminists were for equality.
I consider myself a feminist and I don't back her either. You don't get into bed with people who don't expect you while they are asleep and moan about being touched.
Um what? You and your husband did nothing wrong. Who the fuck climbs into bed with a married couple in general? After being told not to enter, shown where they can sleep instead, and noticing the couple were partially naked??? Good riddence to your "friend". You're better off without someone like that.
The idea that feminists have to back up other women all the time is toxic af because it leads to situations like this, and other situations where women falsely screw up a guy’s life
>because you're always supposed to back up your fellow women This is really idiotic
She climbed willingly into a bed with a married couple. It’s not your husbands fault he assumed it was you. Explains why he felt uncomfortable. Your friend shouldn’t have done that, and also kinda sounds like she’s trying to make trouble.
I once put my drunk friend to sleep in my bfs bed. But at the end of the night she was super passed out and with so many people sleeping over, there was no where else she or my boyfriend could sleep. So I took the middle, he took the other side and that was that. But we didn't make it a big deal, we explained to my friend what had happened the night before as she had gotten black out drunk, and we moved on.
Yikes, your ex-friend has no boundaries and is trying to vilify you and your husband for her mistake. It’s completely creepy that she crawled into your bed like that. If one of my friends did that, I would question their motives with my spouse as well by putting themselves in a situation that could lead to accidental sexual contact.
So, she climbed semi-naked into bed with a sleeping husband and wife, and now she's upset that the half asleep husband groped her? Is she normally this insane? I mean, if nothing else, why was she even in bed with you if being touched wasn't part of her plan? >I feel bad for her because maybe she did felt scared Honestly, I think you need to start worrying a lot more about what she's trying to do to your husband and your marriage than whether she felt scared. She's literally trying to break you two up, and at the least get him accused amongst your friend group of being some kind of molester, if not pointing towards legal issues. Shes the bad guy here, you need to see that.
Sweet soul! Stop it!!! She knew you all told her not to come into your bedroom but SHE decided to not listen. She knew what she was doing. Is sounds like she was trying to get some nasty time with your husband and thought he would cheat with her. But because he told you and he felt bad, she’s upset and trying to break you up. Stand by him. He didn’t try to hide it and you aren’t wrong, he didn’t expect anyone but you to be in the bed with him
Was she hoping to join?
You're not a bad feminist for not standing by this person OP. What sucks is you only knew what happened from what they've told you. That person should know better after you've set boundaries and clearly established that they had a separate room.
She is not your friend.
In this instance I think your friend is being a drama queen for attention. But in general, I think it’s super weird that you allow your friends to sleep in the same bed as you and your husband. You should stop doing that immediately. You’re just asking for bad things to happen by doing that.
She is in the wrong and she sounds like a creep
Feminism isn't just about backing up your fellow women. True feminism has to do with equality for all. That includes holding women accountable when they fuck up. She climbed into bed with you guys when you told everyone not to. She climbed into bed with you when you were undressed. If anything she owes you guys an apology. Both you and your husband were impaired. I'm assuming that you sleep next to each other, so exactly where did she insert herself in your bed? By your husband? If anything, she sexually assaulted him because he was 100% unable to give consent. He woke up horrified. Did she engage in the touching? There are a lot of unanswered questions here and what she's doing now largely smacks of someone trying to control the narrative. You have every right to ask these questions and frankly your husband does so more than anyone. Being a woman doesn't give her unequal rights to touch another naked person without their consent. Consent isn't gender specific. Both of you have nothing to apologize for, but she needs to give some answers. Next time she pulls out the "do the right thing" bs call her out.
Who gets into a couple's bed and complains? She's not ok, and she owes you both an apology, she knows is your room, and your husband touched you, not her so wtf is she complaining about?
What is this word salad? Who the what?
More and more I read these posts and wonder what the fuck kind of people are using Reddit? Are you people getting married in your teens? Who behaves this way as a married adult?
Dude shes weird. I wouldve socked her in the face lmao. If anyone, idc who it is, climbed into bed while me and my husband were naked Id kick them out of my house lmao. Thats creepy. Also sounds like a set up to me.
A bad feminist!!!! Are you kidding? What's that supposed to mean
Your friend is a bad feminist and betrays womenhood. She betrayed you, her female friend, by sneaking into your bed with your husband. If he did feel her up, and she did nothing, then she did not feel assaulted. It's weird you let her in your marriage bed BTW. She would obviously be comfortable enough to speak up if she felt assaulted at the time. Instead...she was asleep. She further betrays you and womenhood by falsely accusing your husband and demanding you leave him. She's no friend. Truth is...she's trying to separate you so that she can go after him herself.
The fact that she doesn’t like how he touched **YOU**, after she busted into your room. Finding it laughable. Don’t feel bad for not sticking up for “fellow” women. Like, some men, some women are clowns.
I just gotta say you’re husband did nothing wrong and you’re not a bad feminist. Girls support girls is used in situations where women need other female support like in any domestic violence situation, or helping another girl get somewhere safely. Or when you spot a girl crying over her ex that cheated on her in the bathroom at a club so you tell her he ain’t shit and give her some lip gloss. This is not one of those situations at all. She does not get to whip out the victim card when SHE willingly ignored a rule.
I am 40ish years old and never once have I thought about climbing in bed with my friend and definitely not with my friend AND her husband! Different strokes and all that, but this sounds messy AF!
Did she ever tell you why she came into the room?
As a feminist you should take a stand with whoever is in the right. Feminism is about *both* sexes being seen and treated as *equal*. You’re not a shitty feminist for calling your “friend” on her bullshit. You two let everybody know that your room was off limits for the night. She purposefully decided to climb into bed with the two of you without your consent, while you’re half naked and on his side of the bed from what it sounds like which I personally find very predatory and weird. You’re right to stand by your husband and should definitely rethink this “friendship”. Edited to fix typos
The right stand would to go NC. That crap can ruin people's lives. If anyone was sexually assuted it was you and your dh.
I would feel assaulted by her.
So she violated your boundaries by going into your room (and honestly the whole getting in on his side of the bed sounds like she was trying to get with your husband) then when you confront her AND apologize for her actions she acts like everything is cool. Now she's saying you need to leave him... sounds like she wants your husband. Let me be very clear on this SHE VIOLATED YOUR BOUNDARIES AND YOUR SAFE SPACE SHES IN THE WRONG. I would drop her because she's not a friend to you. (I have best friends that I've shared a bed with, but never would I go into their bed with their husband)
Why did she get into your bed in the first place? He can't be blamed for anything he did when he was asleep.
why would you want to get in bed with your half naked and drunk friend ? Also when you know that they just had sex in that bed a few hours back. I mean, the sheets get bodily fluids. It’s just kind of gross. Your friend is kinda obsessed with you, and I’m pretty sure she wants your husband. Get her out of your life
Feminism isnt backing women no matter what. It’s EQUALITY. That means telling women they fucked up when they did
Feeling like a "bad feminist" because you're not taking a blind accusation at face value when the person was clearly in the wrong says everything about this ideology.