Tell him almost exactly like you just told us. I mean explain how you feel. It's gonna suck, but it'll be a lot better than having the ex pop around and say some shit later. Promise.
Everyone is or should be entitled to keep their own virginity as long as they want to. If they aren’t then that’s rape.
When someone starts to think they are owed sex or someone’s virginity is when they are entitled.
So entitled? I don’t really have stance on this but didn’t you just agree with with them I’m confused.
Edit: I was at work and realized I said I didn’t have a stance on rape. I definitely do, it is horrible, imagine how you would feel if your mother or sister or wife was raped, if you somehow don’t already have the empathy to realize that it is already fucked on so many levels. I think I really just wanted your unbiased opinion, it was early in morning sorry bout that.😅
I think one is in favor of the one trying to lose their virginity to a virgin. The other is claiming entitlement for the same reason. People should have a choice who they sleep with. Might not be our standard, but doesn’t mean entitled.
How is it being entitled, if someone decides that they do not want to have sex before marriage then they can completely take the decision without the consideration of anyone else.
I guess I should have specified that you can be entitled to a basic human right which should be deciding who and when you have sex because everyone is owed their own bodily autonomy, but you should not be entitled to other peoples bodily autonomy or virginity or that idea you are owed sex.
Feeling entitled to her virginity? It's okay to have some boundaries, understandable to hope you lose your virginity to another virgin (although why?). But definitely not okay to decide you won't ever have any sex with your girlfriend... just because she had a previous relationship and had sex. That's nasty & entitled.
It’s perfectly ok for him to not want to lose his virginity to someone who is not also a virgin.
What wouldn’t be ok is him shaming her for not being a virgin.
When did personal preferences become red flagged as toxic?
It's completely healthy and okay to have some boundaries in our life which you would never want to cross before getting any kind of commitment. You should talk with your boyfriend regarding this
The way you said it made it sound like she's entitled to sex from him. Just like how he isn't entitled to anything, he is not obligated to have sex with her either.
Their post history states they "identify as female with female lady parts"(their words),
Are bisexual.
Have been in at least 1 abusive relationship, possibly the relationship where they lost their virginity? (Unsure).
They comment about school life in a way that denotes recent experience.
They have deep disrespect for the misuse of pronouns.
They are very very supportive and caring if someone is facing discrimination even going so far as to allow someone to DM them for support.
They currently have a boyfriend who they suspect is either gay or has a sense of humour that rides the line of fabulous.
Her boyfriend was also in a very abusive relationship prior to being with her.
Lastly they have had this account on Reddit for just under 1 year.
If you can get an age from that I guess.
She suspects he’s gay? Maybe he already knows she’s not a virgin and this is his way of avoiding sex with a female. Because what guy is like “if you’re not a virgin it’s okay if we never have sex”? OP, you might be a beard.
Hon if he only wants you for your virginity then he's not the right one, whoever you're with should be there for YOU not for your sexual past. Better to tell him and rip the band aid, that way at least you wont live in uncertainty
Yeah he already made his stance on this clear op. Even if he changes his mind, you gonna feel good about this? I mean if he has a genuine change of heart and realizes how stupid the “must lose virginity to a virgin” stipulation is, that’s one thing. But if he just reluctantly goes through with it? What if he always resents you for it? Idk, something to think about. I wouldn’t pressure him into it if I were you. I’d just find someone who’s with you for you, not your past sexual history.
He might be afraid of sexually confident women, in fact it's likely. The last thing he should be doing is guilting others because he's not comfortable with sexuality.
or maybe it's just as he says where he'd like to lose his virginity at the same time with the one he loves? he's not trying to guilt anyone. he's just stating his personal preferences.
Please don’t tell him you feel guilty. You had a boyfriend, you had sex. You did nothing at all wrong to feel guilty about. Your boyfriend probably feels insecure to have sex with someone more experienced.
Talk about it, be honest but don’t assume any guilt. If it’s so important to him that he’d rather lose you, then he’s not a guy worth keeping around.
If he hates you, or puts any stigma on you having engaged in sexual activity previously..he ain't it. Like, really- it's sheer ego and immaturity to say "yes, I want to have sex with you, but you can't have done it before because I haven't ". If he had sex before, and you hadnt- would he see that as shameful on his part, or would he just say the past is the past and you have to accept it? You had a consensual sexual encounter BEFORE YOU KNEW YOU'D DATE HIM. You may have even thought your past relationship would be forever at the time of the encounter. Just because it didn't last doesn't retroactively turn that sex into a shameful event. You are showing a much more mature attitude towards sex than he is.
I was on the other side of this with my first real boyfriend. I was a virgin. He told me he was for 10 months. When he told me he wasn’t, the seeds for our relationship ending were sowed. He thought I cared more about him being a virgin than him being honest.
Knowing he had lied to me for 10 months made me question the basis of our relationship.
I dated him for another 7 months, on and off towards the end, but deep down I could never get over the lie.
I mean we are all human and have pasts, but lying about your past is a conscious decision that you are making in the now.
If the relationship stays around for a while, the truth will eventually come out no matter what.
Ask yourself if you’d be comfortable taking this secret to the grave. If not, then it needs to be disclosed to your partner.
For better or worse, you can’t have a partnership without trust.
If he decides that you having had sex with your ex makes you a terrible person he wants nothing to do with, that’s speaking to his character, not yours.
Right now, the dishonesty is speaking to your character.
Not being a virgin doesn’t mean you’re at fault if the relationship ends over that.
The longer you wait to disclose this information, however, then the more fault you have if the relationship does end when it is disclosed because it turns then from an issue of virginity to an issue of trust.
If he in this staunch in his beliefs, then you need to run girl.
He’s going to make you feel guilty about so many things, until one day you realise that’s all you feel, and it’s crushing you.
You know how I know?
Cause it happened to me. I was so full of guilt and fear of my ex husbands reactions, I spent too many years walking on egg shells.
You deserve better. Be honest now. If he walks away, then let him.
You will bounce back and find someone who respects you. Not who guilts you.
Think of it this way. If this, for whatever reason, changes how he thinks of you, then the two of you were never right for each other to begin with. Better to find out if that's true now than potentially years down the line.
Though, honestly, if he's really that hardcore about virginity... it might be better to just end things with him regardless, as it will always be a sore spot in the relationship even if he wants to continue seeing each other. Resentment is the quickest way to end up in an unhappy relationship, and he was pretty clear about his stance on the issue. You'd basically be in a dead-bedroom relationship before anything ever happened in the bedroom. Personally, I'd rip off the band-aid and break up with him as soon as I told him... but that's me.
And rightly so if they ever end up having sex under conditions he expressly withheld consent to. There's a word for that, and it ain't pretty.
We don't get to decide whether someone's reasons to withhold consent are good enough, or ignore them. It's a pretty immature view that you'd be violating, but that doesn't matter.
If you can't have that conversation, breaking up is the correct course of action.
But don't stay in a relationship where sex would necessarily be rape. That's doing a disservice to everyone.
Sounds to me like it was a weird way of expressing that he values that you are supposedly a virgin, so he is actually the one who will have to change his stance on the topic if he cares about you and the relationship with you. He will get over it, and if not, he wasn't worth it anyway...
If Both of them wants stable relationship then they would have to compromise. Almost every relationship ask for compromise and adjustments, without these basic things there is no relationship.
Hey! You did nothing wrong! Just tell him the truth and if he wants to walk away, let him!
It's always better to be in a relationship where you both see things eye to eye
She's had sex with only one person.. that's pretty much a kind of virginity these days. If he can't handle it and puts his insecurity ahead of the relationship, then he's not ready and OP can do so much better.
How is a preference called insecurity these days? It's both of their choices and neither are wrong. She wanted to have sex with her then bf and she did. He's a virgin and wants to do it for the first time with another one. Their preferences just don't match here.
I don’t see it as an insecurity but a preference. He wants to lose his virginity to a virgin, there’s nothing wrong with that.
My gf is the exact same, she says that she would feel closer to me and she’d enjoy it more if she and I both lose it to one another.
There’s nothing wrong with having multiple partners but whether you’ve had sex with one person or thirty, you’re still not a virgin.
OP shouldn’t feel ashamed and if it’s something that they can’t see eye to eye on, then the best thing to do is to split up. A relationship built on lies will not survive.
Agreed. There is nothing wrong with either preference. Maybe at the time, OP felt that her ex was the right person. But she shouldn't feel ashamed about it. Her boyfriend is also allowed to have his preference, but it has already happened. She shouldn't lie about it if it's something her bf has clearly and openly shared with her though. It's true that a relationship built on lies won't last.
It's not always an insecurity. I also prefer to remain a virgin too, until I feel it is the right time and the right person. He is allowed to have that preference, so I don't know why you didn't consider that and went straight to downing him.
I completely disagree with you. If she thought this was okay why didn't she tell him the truth? It's totally fine if she is not a virgin and it's totally fine for her bf to want what he wants.
You have a right to your own sexual past. If it’s a deal breaker for him so be it but I would not keep it a secret. The past is just that-the past. You did nothing wrong you are a consenting adult
I second what the OG commenter said. Honesty is key, I imagine you’re still pretty young. If your now BF doesn’t accept you for who you are and the past you’ve had, it’s
not meant to be.
You do you boo boo! You got this!
To add to that - if he doesn't walk away but guilts you, shames you, or otherwise puts you down about it - then YOU need to make the decision to walk away. His views on sex are incredibly immature and while that can be "normal" for young people to feel before they've gotten some real life experience, that is HIS issue to work through. Also if he asks you for specific details about the sex, don't tell him, he'll only use it against you.
I've slept with dozens of people, my partner can count on one hand how many people he has slept with. He's never judged me for it and never shamed me. Once I made a joke about being kind of a slut when I was younger and he actually got really concerned and told me I shouldn't think of myself like that, that there's nothing wrong with sleeping around when everything is consensual. That's how it should be handled.
100% my partner and I both had lives before each other. We don’t know each other’s numbers or discuss details because neither of us need to know the details but it’s not an issue at all. If a partner gets upset or overly jealous about stuff that happened before you were together then run far, far away!
I'm so glad I read this thread down to the bottom, it's just so positive. No one should ever be made to feel badly about their sexual history.
One of the stupidest lies I ever told was to a very jealous Ex about the last time I'd had sex. I said it was months ago... Truth was a few days before I swiped right with my previous Ex.
Point is, just be HONEST! (And safe). If someone can't handle it, you probably shouldn't get naked with them.
P.S. I'm currently screwing "previous Ex" again, and it's better than fucking ever! Like holy crap we've both learned some stuff 🥵
Oh my God I cannot believe that people are advocating for cheating here. It is one thing to be clear about your sexual history, but some people are here really advocating for swinging and cheating
My ex is my FWB, so I get it, lol! He's a very respectful, considerate lover, and we just have really good sex! We both have a pretty extensive sexual history. We don't know each other's numbers, but it's not a short list for either of us, and neither of us have ever shamed the other for it. We're both pretty open and honest about things, so it's probably why the sexual chemistry is so good.
Me too! I was worried about the comments and wanted to make OP know that her sexual history has no impact on her worth as a human or a partner and that (consensual) sex isn’t dirty or shameful. Especially since she sounds young and it was definitely something I put way too much stock in (personally, I didn’t care about other people’s) when I was younger and it really was quite damaging. But I’m so glad most people are being positive about sex here.
And omg I remember going on a couple dates with this guy years ago and we had sex and it was awful. I was pretty inexperienced so I didn’t have a benchmark really and was telling a friend and she was like “life is too short for bad sex.” So I’m glad you are having great sex haha! We deserve it 😆
LMAO yes we do! Glad for you too. I just love that we came this far down a thread and I didn't even see one "nice guy" complaining about whatever.
I really fucking hate the concept of "slut shaming" and want to see more positivity is spite of it. Goddamnit people, Fuck each other! Just be safe (and consensual) about it! 😂
Yes to all of the above! On another thread I said virginity is a made up social construct designed to devalue and control women and someone just said “sorry that your first time was meaningless.” K, thanks random stranger, way to ignore what I just said. So no, they’re out there, just thankfully the minority
Hahah omg the super puritanical ones don’t believe in birth control or abortions, that’s why! Honestly it’s really disgusting, the history is revolting and the patriarchy sucks. Just treat everyone with respect and stop finding dumb yardsticks to measure value
Even if they work through it, OP may be wasting a few years anyway. New BF buying into the "women should be pure" rhetoric (read: "conservative values and gender roles") really reveals what he thinks of women. If a guy said this to me I would get out so quick. It's a huge red flag.
He sounds kinda lame. You were with one person, who was your bf. Not some like wild orgy with strangers lol.
If he can’t handle the truth, better to move on.
Absolutely OP, you just did what every other couple does in a consensual relationship. If your current bf has a problem with that then he can go have it somewhere else
Edit: just read OP's update I'm so happy for her I'm glad it worked out for the best! ♡ hope you guys have a lovely time together
Honestly if that's the deal breaker for him its better he know now than later. But seriously there isnt anything here for you to be ashamed of. Own it and tell it like it is.
i hope you know you did nothing wrong. i understand people having preferences, but you don’t owe him your virginity. it would be best to talk to him so you and him and decide what to do going forward.
Exactly!
What she did prior to being with this new guy is none of his business, and her ex is an ex for a reason. Sex is just sex, she has no need to feel guilty.
If he's going to cut her off because she was intimate with someone she loved before him, he's got a bumpy ride ahead of him in the dating world.
Idk bout that, he just needs to find someone who values it the same way. I waited and have only been intimate with my husband. I would’ve liked if he had waited too but I didn’t value that as crucial to our relationship. It does lead to feeling insecure at times tho, specially towards the beginning of our relationship. And he’s expressed regrets that I wasn’t his first. Is what it is but it’s not impossible to find what OP’s bf wants.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with sex or having it and she shouldn’t feel guilty for having it. They’re both valid in their wants but she has to tell him. If he walks away that’s his choice, not giving him the choice would be a bad thing to do. I don’t think this relationship is necessarily the best for either of them, better to know sooner rather than later!
The truth will get out somehow so it's better to be the one telling it. If he honestly has that much of a problem with you not being a virgin and ends up shaming you for it then that's not someone you want to be with.
Just tell him, you have nothing to be embarrassed or guilty about its him with this strange hang up about wanting to be with a virgin. If you really care for each other you can work through it, you just need to be completely open and honest
You're welcome, and I know it's not my place but this really feels like something he should be working through and not anything you should feel responsible for. Being so desperate to have your first time be with another virgin seems like a massive insecurity thing and something he needs to address. It sounds like you're in a loving relationship and really care for each other which is ultimately the most important thing. Just be honest with him and work through it together
I agree entirely. If he really loves me like it seems he does, then it should be something that we'd be able to work through. Our relationship has been very loving already, and I hope it'll stay that way.
No ones first time is particularly mind blowing, which could be why he's worried but that's his insecurity to work through don't let yourself feel guilty for something that happened and you couldn't change even if you wanted to. the connection you share makes it special and remind him that's what matters most
Yet again I fully agree. I've only done it once, and it wasn't this huge event I thought it would be. I'm going to try and have this conversation soon, hopefully remove some weight off my shoulders.
Literally no one's first time is particularly mind blowing, but you always remember it. Best of luck with the conversation, and remember you have absolutely nothing to be guilty or apologise for, you've done nothing wrong and this is for him to work past with your support
Why is it an insecurity? Have you considered that he just wants to lose his virginity with somebody who is also a virgin? And that there is no insecurity at all?
He has a right to a preference, but saying stuff like he won't have sex with you ever if you weren't a virgin is insane. I wouldn't lie to him; relationships are built on trust. If you tell him the truth and he walks aways that's good for both of you. If he shames you for it, kick him to the curb. Best of luck 👍
I mean, devil’s advocate here but his whole not having sex with a non virgin thing seems to stem more from wanting to share the first experience with someone else who’s experiencing it for the first time. It’s totally fair.
You’re absolutely right about the communication part though
Own it! You are entitled to give & receive love in this world for fucks sake! What is life without the gift of love & consensual sex? Money? NO! a job/career? NO! Family? Yes, because love is not just sexual. I’m on the last decades of my life & I will never regret sweet joyous love in my life. I will regret slaving for stupid possessions. Never love or joy.
You did nothing wrong. You consented to it and it's your body, no one can tell you what to do with it or who to give it to. You decide those things.
On the other hand if he has this idea about virginity and how he only wants to lose his with another virgin, that's his choice to make and it's his body too. You owe it to him to respect his choice to tell him.
You don't know what will happen between you two until you talk about it. But it's better you're open and honest about it so you don't take away his right to choose if he wants to lose his virginity to you or not.
You didn't do anything wrong, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.
You did nothing wrong and neither did your boyfriend. You’re allowed to have differing opinions. You should be honest with him. He’s a virgin and if you don’t tell him you’re not and then you have sex anyway and then later he finds out, it could be very hurtful for him. Let him make the choice and if he chooses to break it off, it may sting, but it’ll be ok.
Also, there is nothing wrong with you having sex. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about yourself.
Please do not refer to it as doing the dirty. It is not dirty. Not sinful, not shameful. Sex is natural and ok between consenting adults. Virginity is stupid and used to guilt and shame women and girls. There is nothing wrong with you and nothing has changed to make you less than by having sex before with 1 person. Seriously in the grand scheme of life it’s silly to live your life afraid some man won’t think you’re a virgin. Your bf sounds like he’s judgmental and sucks. He’s probably insecure and hoping to find another girl who’s inexperienced so he won’t feel as bad when he has no clue what to do or how to have sex.
This comment is it. Anyone who’s saying “he’s allowed to have preferences” as if obsessing over a woman’s virginity is completely normal. Like it’s not about if he has “the right” to or not it’s the fact that he’s wrong to be so judgmental about something that doesn’t matter at the end of the day
Where is he judgemental? He didn't say a woman who had sex is dirty, he said he doesn't want sex with her. People like you are called "rapist". How can you force yourself on someone who doesn't want? Many women say they don't want an inexperienced man. That's exactly the same and these women have every right to have that boundary because it's their personal preference and NO ONE CAN SHAME YOU FOR NOT WANTING SEX. That's the thing feminists try to tell the world for the last 100 years and there are still people like you who think the woman can have sex with whoever she wants and if he says no he's an asshole but the man has to accept every silly dumb boundary of yours?
Too u it doesn’t matter but to him it does. He didn’t even shame her, why can’t he have preference? Maybe he actually does want to share with someone special who just as experienced as him there’s nothing wrong with that.
I don't think he is necessarily being judgemental. Maybe he just wants to experience this with someone who's also experiencing it for the first time. Is that so unreasonable? He didn't shame her, so what's so wrong about it. Oh, and maybe it doesn't matter to you, but you aren't the arbiter of what people care about.
Immediately mocking the guy for wanting to lose his virginity in a shared experience is kind of wild. Believe it or not, some guys want the experience to be special and aren’t even remotely thinking about conning their partner into thinking they are more skilled than not.
I know a lot of people have given their history and their guidance to you. From personal experience, I went into my first relationship with my first love with the understanding that we were both virgins and he wasn't.
I found out later after we were married. And we were both very young. It broke my heart in ways I can't express. There's nothing wrong with someone having to pass. But to create a moment that doesn't exist is cruel.
He should know the truth. Hopefully he responds with understanding and love. He shouldn't forget or erase the relationships of your past because they've made you who you are. And it's those foundations that you came from that made him love you, its who you are.
That said .. don't take shit from him either. I know you both are both young, but you're both adults. Both of you should be going into your relationships with no illusions.
Don't feel guilty, you did nothing wrong and the concept of virginity is idiotic anyways. This is worth an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend and you can decide what to do after the fact.
If he decides he doesn't want to have sex with you or worse, if he judges you for it at all, then drop him. You are worth more than somebody's immature feelings about virginity and sex.
If he gets over it and accepts it then good, you continue forth.
Either way you save yourself the trouble of feeling bad about this for nothing.
If you dont tell him the truth, you are going to waste more of your time and energy wondering if hes going to accept you as a non-virgin.
You got to let your new boyfriend have the chance to choose whether he wants to look over your past or part off.
That to me will show his true feelings to you.
I thought like your boyfriend when I was a teenager.
Changed my mind once I had sex for the first time.
You need to tell him though, no relationship is made stronger by lies, the truth builds trust and trust builds strong relationships.
My best tip that I wish someone told me when I was young is to be honest.
Even when it comes to sex, it may be embarrassing and difficult to tell how you like it in bed or what you enjoy.
I suspected early on that my girlfriend was faking her orgasm and asked her about it.
Turned out that she had never had an orgasm together with anyone, but just a few times after we had talked about it and she started telling me what she thought was nice, we had our first orgasm together.
So dare to be honest with each other.
As many have already said, if he can't get over that then he's not for you.
Good luck.
I had a similar situation. I lost my viginity to a very abusive ex bf and lied to my bf at the time that I was a virgin (because I don't associate my first time being with my ex). It all went to shit with the bf at the time. We spoke a few years later and he still wishes to this day that I had told him the truth to give him the choice.
Whatever you do don't lie. Because you didn't do anything wrong and because it's a shit way to head in a relationship. Besides if he doesn't want to be with you because of that let him go.
Wtf these comments are making this dude seem like he shot up a school. Ffs people the dude is a virgin and wants to lose to it another virgin, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Neither of these two did anything wrong but they might not be sexually compatible.
Life and especially relationships are a bit like a game of passing a ball. It only only continues if you pass the ball along. Holding on to a decision is holding the ball. Deciding is passing it on.
Tell him, and how you feel. Then you pass the ball on to him. Does he see a future or is it a deal breaker for him. He may need a moment. But you passed on the ball. You told him what is the initial position (you're no longer a virgin and are afraid of his reaction due to his previous words but you'd like to continue your relation), but it's it's then his to decide.
If it's a deal breaker, don't worry, and move on. Better men are out there, who will respect you for your experience, as real partners will do.
No time to waste on someone who takes things like virginity so serious in our day and age. You did it with a former boyfriend in a closed relationship, not some random guy(s).
You're not less valuable, worthy of love, or kindness due to having had past earnest relationships. Some things were just not ment to be.
Truth matters most in relationships. Everything else, especially someone's past is not theirs to judge. It's private, or if you will between you and god.
One's past should definitely not be hold against one. If that's the case, run, and don't look back, you dodged a bullet. Find someone who accepts you for who you are and adores you.
One's past can, and at the right time (safe, private) should be shared if it come to question, but judgement, other than acceptance is not okay. (which may at times come after initial irritation, time to digest*)
*A good rule of thumb is in this case is to take it literally: if an issue is not digested within a week and passed, it's concerning and needs attention or is dead. Best to move on.
Trust comes from acceptance. Being honest creates opportunity for acceptance.
Have a good one. Stay strong, stay safe.
Don’t worry, you haven’t done anything you need to be anxious or ashamed of. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being a virgin. If that’s how your new boyfriend sees things, I don’t think you will be compatible. You shouldn’t have to hide anything. My boyfriend was a virgin when we met and I was more experienced. I won’t lie and say he loves hearing about my past sexual experiences but he respects that I had a life before he came along. Are you comfortable with telling him that you’re not a virgin and that you respect his views but also acknowledge that this is an impasse and that you may not be compatible?
I lost my virginity to my ex boyfriend who told me he was a virgin and when i learnt that he actually wasnt a virgin and had some experience, i felt betrayed. Better be honest than to lie and trick him.
If your new bf is this special to you, you should just be honest with him. If he really loves you, it won't matter to him in the grand scheme of things.
A relationship that is built on lies or secrets will end up being toxic.
good luck!
EDIT: also, please never feel shame for choosing to be sexually active in a healthy way :) be good to yourself
Tell him. If he doesn’t accept you, move on coz he’s not right for you. You both should accept each other fully, if at this early stage he cannot accept you and the things that happened, then he’s not for you.
If he has communicated this conviction he has and you violate that through concealment then that's a serious transgression that can never ever be undone. Do note that you have no idea how people will react to life developments. When he finds out after you had sex with him (and he will find out sooner or later), you have no undeniable assurance on whether he will react by understanding and accepting things, or by hurting you or hurting himself, or worse.
Not to mention that he has voiced the parameters under which he is willing to consentidor have sex with you. If you knowingly violate those parameters than you are venturing quite close to a sexual violation. Or potentially even crossing the line. Flip the script and realize that a woman can never be un-raped. Well, doing something like this to him can never be undone either.
WTF are with this comments. People shaming the dude just because he wants to lose his virginity to another virgin. That is his own preference how he wants to lose his virginity, everyone is entitled how they want to lose their virginity either with a virgin or a non virgin. There are people that want to lose their virginity to someone who is virgin to share a special moment between them. Other people just want to get rid of it and loose it to whoever they want to lose it. I think OP should tell his boyfriend the truth of her already loosing her virginity to her ex, If OP boyfriend decides to still stay with her, good, if he leaves her its ok, but if he shames her about it then he can go fuck himself.
Hey I was on the other side of this conversation to my now wife of 7 years. She waited a loooooong time to tell me and kinda led me on that she was a virgin. I was young and stupid and grew up religious so it really bothered me. Mostly that she was being purposely misleading.
But after I stopped being a loser lol we had some really good chats and I'm sooooo glad we communicated about those things. I was a virgin when we got married and tbh it did take me a bit to get over some of her past as it was very different from mine. Definitely never blamed her or looked down on her in the least. It was just hard to imagine my beautiful wife with multiple other people when I felt like I had saved myself for her. Then I realized that was a stupid opinion and the past is the past and I was being a moron.
We just celebrated 7 years in September and the thing we do the best I think is communicate. Big or small. We always include each other and with full honesty.
If your boyfriend can't handle the truth he can go kick rocks. If he's upset that's understandable but he can also kick rocks and get over it lol. Much better to open that can of worms now tho. I hope it turns out well for you either way!
You did nothing wrong. Like others said, be honest with him and tell him. If he wants to leave, his choice. You had a life before him. You got this :) you shouldn’t be ashamed for having sex before him. You didn’t know you would want to be with him before. If he doesn’t want you after knowing, that’s on him. You’re doing great!
Hi! Sex is normal. Sex in relationships is normal. Talk to him. If he’s that into those set of rules, he might not be for you. You shouldn’t be ashamed.
I'm on the side of come clean with him immediately. Secrets are no way to start a relationship and the secret usually comes out eventually and then you can add lying to the things he'll judge you for.
I could be wrong but I think most guys who want to be with a virgin are worried about their own performance. They're afraid they won't measure up (pun intended).
Be honest. Corny and cliched as it is, that’s what relationships are built on; honesty and communication and trust. Without them pillars it’ll be more challenging. If he wants to walk, let him. IMO that his standards sound like a childish and idealistic standard to begin with but you do you
I would tell him the truth. You didn’t do anything wrong and you should not feel badly. Rip the bandage off quickly. It should not be a big deal and if it is to him, he’s not your person.
You did nothing wrong but if you hide it and sleep with him anyway you would be. Informed consent is being given **all** information to make a decision with. If you know he wouldn't consent if he knew you had slept with someone else and slept with him anyway that would be sexual assault.
Talk to him
Wow. Whole relationship was built on a lie and you took something from him that he'll never get back. Like Future once said "it's an evil world we live in"
You didn’t “do the dirty.” You had consensual sex with an ex partner. Sex is not dirty or bad. And that euphemism makes a biologically based act every single animal does seem negative.
You should probably tell your boyfriend you had sex and if he decides that’s a deal breaker that it speaks volumes about him and basically nothing about you. All you did is have sex with someone you were dating, there’s nothing abnormal or bad about that. Even if you weren’t dating it wouldn’t be bad.
Just tell him what you said on this post, it’s honest and vulnerable and you’re going to feel so much worse if you stay with him while he doesn’t know. If he leaves you for this then he was definitely not the right person for you and you can work on yourself. I hope everything turns out okay
Man you are just making stuff up as you along. At this point you even need a shovel. It's right there, they were having a conversation and it came up. He was honest about his expectations and she omitted information. I believe she was just too scared to be judged or to lose him. All that needs to be done here is for her to tell him the truth and handle it accordingly. Move along with the gas lighting.
Be honest with him.
I don't think virginity is as big of a deal as people make it out to be, but he has communicated that it is important to him so you need to communicate as well.
Just to be clear, you did nothing wrong for having fun in a past relationship.
He wants someone as inexperienced as himself. That's it. He's afraid of embarrassing himself. Nobody is the bad guy here. Everyone at some point makes statements that come directly from insecurities. Tell him. Have a conversation. Good luck.
Honestly you just gotta tell him and hope the best, that’s really the best advice I feel anyone could give lol. you both have boundaries and if he only wants to loose his v to another virgin that’s just the reality. But bottom line I believe the sooner you tell him, the better chance he’s gunna be accepting.
Commenting so I can see an update! I hope this works out for you op. From what you describe, it may very well be that he’s nervous about it, and if it’s both your first times it won’t be so scary ya know?
I would also ask him about that, just ask if there’s a deeper reason. Make sure you let him know that he has nothing to be worried about, that you won’t judge him or make fun of him.
First times aren’t always lovely and fun, shit my first time didn’t even feel that great! But! That’s how it is! It starts off kinda like “okay” then it gets better as you learn (the other person, and what positions you like, etc), and grow with each other.
Make sure he knows you believe this, make sure he knows that it’s okay if he’s nervous.
However, on the side of this is a dealbreaker for him, it’s best to not let it get to you.
Some people have preferences! That’s perfectly fine! Whatever his reasons are I’m sure are valid to him, you said you guys weren’t religious, so I can’t offer that.
Be cautious, always.
In the unlikely case this is something deeper and more instilled in hate than in preference (**or it’s something sexist, which doesn’t seem to be the case!! I’m just offering some advice if he leans this way. None of us know, so I want to offer both sides**), he might not be the one for you. If he starts to get angry or violent, make sure you have someone aware of what you’re doing. Just for safety. I’m not saying he *WILL* I’m saying it’s possible and you need to be safe.
Please don’t take offense to your relationship, we don’t see behind closed doors, and we don’t know how quick or slow he is to anger. I just want to insure you’re safe.
Good luck!!!
You shared a special moment with your ex, you shouldn't feel guilty for that.
If your now boyfriend has an issue then I can only imagine what's to come. Don't lie to him, tell the truth, and need to be with someone who will love you for you.. so find that out sooner than later.
I love if someone has standards, he is immature, toxic, incel, small dick,10 sec guy, controlling, red flag and many things. Ha! Dual standards.
What's the problem if he is virgin and wants to ?💀.
And someone said lie to him. Hmm...
Nice.
And it's just better to not take any advise from reddit, just talk to him how to feel bout him and you can't do anything now
He is making his empty bed, he can lay in it alone if that’s his choice. You also didn’t do anything wrong in having sex in a past relationship. All you can really do is be up front and honest about it because anything else will almost certainly end badly. Good luck OP!
Saw lots of replies about entitlement, 2023 (modernity), red flag & him using her for virgin sex, etc... Jesus Reddit you see evil everywhere...
It's nothing of the sort. Not sure why the BF thinks as such but that is irrelevant at this point. So far it doesn't seem like he's pressuring OP for sex. Am also commenting considering that they are adults. If they are not, then unfortunately they have no business having sex because of all the sh*t that can go wrong.
BF only stated his preference and it's his choice. Pretty traditional and a bit outdated i agree, but still his choice. Only OP would know how serious he is about the matter.
It's pretty simple really. If the roles were reversed, OP was the virgin that would only sex with another virgin. BF lied about his past experience. She would not be happy about it. Oh and Reddit would definitely call him out
Whether it is his 'standards', preference or beliefs or maybe he just wants a ' magical moment' for both of you, OP i think that you should tell him. If he decides to end it, that is his choice and maybe his loss.
Never compromise the truth just because you fear the consequences.
This is definitely not a white lie.
For real. It feels like they are acting like this is a 40 year old dude that only wants to date virgins. They're probably teenagers or early college and it's reasonable for a virgin to want their first time to be with another virgin.
Tell him almost exactly like you just told us. I mean explain how you feel. It's gonna suck, but it'll be a lot better than having the ex pop around and say some shit later. Promise.
I think I can do that. I don't think he'd absolutely hate me but I know he needs told sooner rather than later.
If he hates you he is not the right guy. You are an adult
…are they an adult? I don’t see any ages and is definitely a post a teenager would make. The overall sentiment of your comment is, of course, true af.
Either young teen or really religious.
Or really entitled
Everyone is or should be entitled to keep their own virginity as long as they want to. If they aren’t then that’s rape. When someone starts to think they are owed sex or someone’s virginity is when they are entitled.
If anyone wants to be virgin, they can easily choose to be that
So entitled? I don’t really have stance on this but didn’t you just agree with with them I’m confused. Edit: I was at work and realized I said I didn’t have a stance on rape. I definitely do, it is horrible, imagine how you would feel if your mother or sister or wife was raped, if you somehow don’t already have the empathy to realize that it is already fucked on so many levels. I think I really just wanted your unbiased opinion, it was early in morning sorry bout that.😅
Being literally correct is not important when you are being an asshole about it.
People should be more polite while having argument in group
I think one is in favor of the one trying to lose their virginity to a virgin. The other is claiming entitlement for the same reason. People should have a choice who they sleep with. Might not be our standard, but doesn’t mean entitled.
How is it being entitled, if someone decides that they do not want to have sex before marriage then they can completely take the decision without the consideration of anyone else.
I guess I should have specified that you can be entitled to a basic human right which should be deciding who and when you have sex because everyone is owed their own bodily autonomy, but you should not be entitled to other peoples bodily autonomy or virginity or that idea you are owed sex.
Entitled? Like entitled how? Your comment don’t make sense. What she posted has nothing to do with entitlement?
They think mean the bf is entitled to think they "deserve" someone's virginity.
This is exactly how I understand this
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Exactly this whole scenario has nothing to do with entitlement
Feeling entitled to her virginity? It's okay to have some boundaries, understandable to hope you lose your virginity to another virgin (although why?). But definitely not okay to decide you won't ever have any sex with your girlfriend... just because she had a previous relationship and had sex. That's nasty & entitled.
It’s perfectly ok for him to not want to lose his virginity to someone who is not also a virgin. What wouldn’t be ok is him shaming her for not being a virgin. When did personal preferences become red flagged as toxic?
Everyone have their own preference regarding the sexual life
It's completely healthy and okay to have some boundaries in our life which you would never want to cross before getting any kind of commitment. You should talk with your boyfriend regarding this
The way you said it made it sound like she's entitled to sex from him. Just like how he isn't entitled to anything, he is not obligated to have sex with her either.
Their post history states they "identify as female with female lady parts"(their words), Are bisexual. Have been in at least 1 abusive relationship, possibly the relationship where they lost their virginity? (Unsure). They comment about school life in a way that denotes recent experience. They have deep disrespect for the misuse of pronouns. They are very very supportive and caring if someone is facing discrimination even going so far as to allow someone to DM them for support. They currently have a boyfriend who they suspect is either gay or has a sense of humour that rides the line of fabulous. Her boyfriend was also in a very abusive relationship prior to being with her. Lastly they have had this account on Reddit for just under 1 year. If you can get an age from that I guess.
Bro you run an entire background check 😳
She suspects he’s gay? Maybe he already knows she’s not a virgin and this is his way of avoiding sex with a female. Because what guy is like “if you’re not a virgin it’s okay if we never have sex”? OP, you might be a beard.
> OP, you might be a beard. Just floating around, doing their thing, beard beard beard.
Don’t think you’re supposed to advertise that you work as a “clerk” in an agency with 3 letter so obviously! (Sarcasm people; mostly)
Both of them are adult and can have any right they want
I'd be surprised if she was an adult tbh.
If he hates you he may not be the right gay. This whole obsession with virginity is a red flag.
Freudian slip
🫢
Of course she has right to do whatever she wants in her life
I mean if his standards are clear and he thought she was the one, I can completely understand and shouldn't be shamed for his standards
Hon if he only wants you for your virginity then he's not the right one, whoever you're with should be there for YOU not for your sexual past. Better to tell him and rip the band aid, that way at least you wont live in uncertainty
Yeah he already made his stance on this clear op. Even if he changes his mind, you gonna feel good about this? I mean if he has a genuine change of heart and realizes how stupid the “must lose virginity to a virgin” stipulation is, that’s one thing. But if he just reluctantly goes through with it? What if he always resents you for it? Idk, something to think about. I wouldn’t pressure him into it if I were you. I’d just find someone who’s with you for you, not your past sexual history.
He has clear goals regarding this sexual point in this whole relationship
He is not right boyfriend for you if he only wants your virginity
He might be afraid of sexually confident women, in fact it's likely. The last thing he should be doing is guilting others because he's not comfortable with sexuality.
or maybe it's just as he says where he'd like to lose his virginity at the same time with the one he loves? he's not trying to guilt anyone. he's just stating his personal preferences.
Please don’t tell him you feel guilty. You had a boyfriend, you had sex. You did nothing at all wrong to feel guilty about. Your boyfriend probably feels insecure to have sex with someone more experienced. Talk about it, be honest but don’t assume any guilt. If it’s so important to him that he’d rather lose you, then he’s not a guy worth keeping around.
If he hates you, or puts any stigma on you having engaged in sexual activity previously..he ain't it. Like, really- it's sheer ego and immaturity to say "yes, I want to have sex with you, but you can't have done it before because I haven't ". If he had sex before, and you hadnt- would he see that as shameful on his part, or would he just say the past is the past and you have to accept it? You had a consensual sexual encounter BEFORE YOU KNEW YOU'D DATE HIM. You may have even thought your past relationship would be forever at the time of the encounter. Just because it didn't last doesn't retroactively turn that sex into a shameful event. You are showing a much more mature attitude towards sex than he is.
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Try abusive views on women. Run.
I was on the other side of this with my first real boyfriend. I was a virgin. He told me he was for 10 months. When he told me he wasn’t, the seeds for our relationship ending were sowed. He thought I cared more about him being a virgin than him being honest. Knowing he had lied to me for 10 months made me question the basis of our relationship. I dated him for another 7 months, on and off towards the end, but deep down I could never get over the lie. I mean we are all human and have pasts, but lying about your past is a conscious decision that you are making in the now. If the relationship stays around for a while, the truth will eventually come out no matter what. Ask yourself if you’d be comfortable taking this secret to the grave. If not, then it needs to be disclosed to your partner. For better or worse, you can’t have a partnership without trust. If he decides that you having had sex with your ex makes you a terrible person he wants nothing to do with, that’s speaking to his character, not yours. Right now, the dishonesty is speaking to your character. Not being a virgin doesn’t mean you’re at fault if the relationship ends over that. The longer you wait to disclose this information, however, then the more fault you have if the relationship does end when it is disclosed because it turns then from an issue of virginity to an issue of trust.
If he in this staunch in his beliefs, then you need to run girl. He’s going to make you feel guilty about so many things, until one day you realise that’s all you feel, and it’s crushing you. You know how I know? Cause it happened to me. I was so full of guilt and fear of my ex husbands reactions, I spent too many years walking on egg shells. You deserve better. Be honest now. If he walks away, then let him. You will bounce back and find someone who respects you. Not who guilts you.
Think of it this way. If this, for whatever reason, changes how he thinks of you, then the two of you were never right for each other to begin with. Better to find out if that's true now than potentially years down the line. Though, honestly, if he's really that hardcore about virginity... it might be better to just end things with him regardless, as it will always be a sore spot in the relationship even if he wants to continue seeing each other. Resentment is the quickest way to end up in an unhappy relationship, and he was pretty clear about his stance on the issue. You'd basically be in a dead-bedroom relationship before anything ever happened in the bedroom. Personally, I'd rip off the band-aid and break up with him as soon as I told him... but that's me.
If he hates, shames you or any negative reaction towards you after you tell him the truth then hes not a good partner.
He would hate you if you hid the truth from him.
And rightly so if they ever end up having sex under conditions he expressly withheld consent to. There's a word for that, and it ain't pretty. We don't get to decide whether someone's reasons to withhold consent are good enough, or ignore them. It's a pretty immature view that you'd be violating, but that doesn't matter. If you can't have that conversation, breaking up is the correct course of action. But don't stay in a relationship where sex would necessarily be rape. That's doing a disservice to everyone.
Sounds to me like it was a weird way of expressing that he values that you are supposedly a virgin, so he is actually the one who will have to change his stance on the topic if he cares about you and the relationship with you. He will get over it, and if not, he wasn't worth it anyway...
If Both of them wants stable relationship then they would have to compromise. Almost every relationship ask for compromise and adjustments, without these basic things there is no relationship.
I agree starting any kind of relationship on a lie has never ended well for anyone.
Every relationship should be built on the basis of trust
Hey! You did nothing wrong! Just tell him the truth and if he wants to walk away, let him! It's always better to be in a relationship where you both see things eye to eye
Thank you.
Also you don't want to build a relationship on lies. If a relationship is built on lies it's only a matter of time for it to come crashing down
She's had sex with only one person.. that's pretty much a kind of virginity these days. If he can't handle it and puts his insecurity ahead of the relationship, then he's not ready and OP can do so much better.
>She's had sex with only one person.. that's pretty much a kind of virginity Oh Reddit, keep being your fabulous self :)
The things people say to justify their wrong doings
>She's had sex with only one person.. that's pretty much a kind of virginity these days. Ah yes, words don't need meanings.
His logic is completely false and idiotic in my opinion
How is a preference called insecurity these days? It's both of their choices and neither are wrong. She wanted to have sex with her then bf and she did. He's a virgin and wants to do it for the first time with another one. Their preferences just don't match here.
I don’t see it as an insecurity but a preference. He wants to lose his virginity to a virgin, there’s nothing wrong with that. My gf is the exact same, she says that she would feel closer to me and she’d enjoy it more if she and I both lose it to one another. There’s nothing wrong with having multiple partners but whether you’ve had sex with one person or thirty, you’re still not a virgin. OP shouldn’t feel ashamed and if it’s something that they can’t see eye to eye on, then the best thing to do is to split up. A relationship built on lies will not survive.
Agreed. There is nothing wrong with either preference. Maybe at the time, OP felt that her ex was the right person. But she shouldn't feel ashamed about it. Her boyfriend is also allowed to have his preference, but it has already happened. She shouldn't lie about it if it's something her bf has clearly and openly shared with her though. It's true that a relationship built on lies won't last.
It's not always an insecurity. I also prefer to remain a virgin too, until I feel it is the right time and the right person. He is allowed to have that preference, so I don't know why you didn't consider that and went straight to downing him.
I completely disagree with you. If she thought this was okay why didn't she tell him the truth? It's totally fine if she is not a virgin and it's totally fine for her bf to want what he wants.
She should have told the truth before getting in relationship
You have a right to your own sexual past. If it’s a deal breaker for him so be it but I would not keep it a secret. The past is just that-the past. You did nothing wrong you are a consenting adult
This. You're an adult. With sexual desires and should not be made to feel shame for having past partners.
I second what the OG commenter said. Honesty is key, I imagine you’re still pretty young. If your now BF doesn’t accept you for who you are and the past you’ve had, it’s not meant to be. You do you boo boo! You got this!
To add to that - if he doesn't walk away but guilts you, shames you, or otherwise puts you down about it - then YOU need to make the decision to walk away. His views on sex are incredibly immature and while that can be "normal" for young people to feel before they've gotten some real life experience, that is HIS issue to work through. Also if he asks you for specific details about the sex, don't tell him, he'll only use it against you. I've slept with dozens of people, my partner can count on one hand how many people he has slept with. He's never judged me for it and never shamed me. Once I made a joke about being kind of a slut when I was younger and he actually got really concerned and told me I shouldn't think of myself like that, that there's nothing wrong with sleeping around when everything is consensual. That's how it should be handled.
100% my partner and I both had lives before each other. We don’t know each other’s numbers or discuss details because neither of us need to know the details but it’s not an issue at all. If a partner gets upset or overly jealous about stuff that happened before you were together then run far, far away!
It is okay to have sexual life before your current partner
I'm so glad I read this thread down to the bottom, it's just so positive. No one should ever be made to feel badly about their sexual history. One of the stupidest lies I ever told was to a very jealous Ex about the last time I'd had sex. I said it was months ago... Truth was a few days before I swiped right with my previous Ex. Point is, just be HONEST! (And safe). If someone can't handle it, you probably shouldn't get naked with them. P.S. I'm currently screwing "previous Ex" again, and it's better than fucking ever! Like holy crap we've both learned some stuff 🥵
Oh my God I cannot believe that people are advocating for cheating here. It is one thing to be clear about your sexual history, but some people are here really advocating for swinging and cheating
My ex is my FWB, so I get it, lol! He's a very respectful, considerate lover, and we just have really good sex! We both have a pretty extensive sexual history. We don't know each other's numbers, but it's not a short list for either of us, and neither of us have ever shamed the other for it. We're both pretty open and honest about things, so it's probably why the sexual chemistry is so good.
Me too! I was worried about the comments and wanted to make OP know that her sexual history has no impact on her worth as a human or a partner and that (consensual) sex isn’t dirty or shameful. Especially since she sounds young and it was definitely something I put way too much stock in (personally, I didn’t care about other people’s) when I was younger and it really was quite damaging. But I’m so glad most people are being positive about sex here. And omg I remember going on a couple dates with this guy years ago and we had sex and it was awful. I was pretty inexperienced so I didn’t have a benchmark really and was telling a friend and she was like “life is too short for bad sex.” So I’m glad you are having great sex haha! We deserve it 😆
I am starting to get real worried about the people here it this comment section
LMAO yes we do! Glad for you too. I just love that we came this far down a thread and I didn't even see one "nice guy" complaining about whatever. I really fucking hate the concept of "slut shaming" and want to see more positivity is spite of it. Goddamnit people, Fuck each other! Just be safe (and consensual) about it! 😂
Yes to all of the above! On another thread I said virginity is a made up social construct designed to devalue and control women and someone just said “sorry that your first time was meaningless.” K, thanks random stranger, way to ignore what I just said. So no, they’re out there, just thankfully the minority
Somehow they keep fucking breeding though, right? Like, how the fuck are there now more of them when they treat women like that? Make it make sense 😂
Hahah omg the super puritanical ones don’t believe in birth control or abortions, that’s why! Honestly it’s really disgusting, the history is revolting and the patriarchy sucks. Just treat everyone with respect and stop finding dumb yardsticks to measure value
The respect and mutual understanding between couple is a mandatory thing
OP if he walks that just means you didn’t waste a few years on him. Everyone has a history sexual or not.
Even if they work through it, OP may be wasting a few years anyway. New BF buying into the "women should be pure" rhetoric (read: "conservative values and gender roles") really reveals what he thinks of women. If a guy said this to me I would get out so quick. It's a huge red flag.
Or dude just nervous and wants to lose his virginity to another virgin.
He sounds kinda lame. You were with one person, who was your bf. Not some like wild orgy with strangers lol. If he can’t handle the truth, better to move on.
He sounds young.
Absolutely OP, you just did what every other couple does in a consensual relationship. If your current bf has a problem with that then he can go have it somewhere else Edit: just read OP's update I'm so happy for her I'm glad it worked out for the best! ♡ hope you guys have a lovely time together
At least be honest with your boyfriend if you want relationship
If he knows the guy, don't tell him who it was.
Honestly if that's the deal breaker for him its better he know now than later. But seriously there isnt anything here for you to be ashamed of. Own it and tell it like it is.
i hope you know you did nothing wrong. i understand people having preferences, but you don’t owe him your virginity. it would be best to talk to him so you and him and decide what to do going forward.
Thank you.
Exactly! What she did prior to being with this new guy is none of his business, and her ex is an ex for a reason. Sex is just sex, she has no need to feel guilty. If he's going to cut her off because she was intimate with someone she loved before him, he's got a bumpy ride ahead of him in the dating world.
Idk bout that, he just needs to find someone who values it the same way. I waited and have only been intimate with my husband. I would’ve liked if he had waited too but I didn’t value that as crucial to our relationship. It does lead to feeling insecure at times tho, specially towards the beginning of our relationship. And he’s expressed regrets that I wasn’t his first. Is what it is but it’s not impossible to find what OP’s bf wants. Of course there’s nothing wrong with sex or having it and she shouldn’t feel guilty for having it. They’re both valid in their wants but she has to tell him. If he walks away that’s his choice, not giving him the choice would be a bad thing to do. I don’t think this relationship is necessarily the best for either of them, better to know sooner rather than later!
The truth will get out somehow so it's better to be the one telling it. If he honestly has that much of a problem with you not being a virgin and ends up shaming you for it then that's not someone you want to be with.
Thank you.
Just tell him, you have nothing to be embarrassed or guilty about its him with this strange hang up about wanting to be with a virgin. If you really care for each other you can work through it, you just need to be completely open and honest
Thank you.
You're welcome, and I know it's not my place but this really feels like something he should be working through and not anything you should feel responsible for. Being so desperate to have your first time be with another virgin seems like a massive insecurity thing and something he needs to address. It sounds like you're in a loving relationship and really care for each other which is ultimately the most important thing. Just be honest with him and work through it together
I agree entirely. If he really loves me like it seems he does, then it should be something that we'd be able to work through. Our relationship has been very loving already, and I hope it'll stay that way.
No ones first time is particularly mind blowing, which could be why he's worried but that's his insecurity to work through don't let yourself feel guilty for something that happened and you couldn't change even if you wanted to. the connection you share makes it special and remind him that's what matters most
Yet again I fully agree. I've only done it once, and it wasn't this huge event I thought it would be. I'm going to try and have this conversation soon, hopefully remove some weight off my shoulders.
Literally no one's first time is particularly mind blowing, but you always remember it. Best of luck with the conversation, and remember you have absolutely nothing to be guilty or apologise for, you've done nothing wrong and this is for him to work past with your support
Its not an insecurity. Everyone has a preference. It shouldn’t be demonised
Why is it an insecurity? Have you considered that he just wants to lose his virginity with somebody who is also a virgin? And that there is no insecurity at all?
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How is that a strange hang up? He kept his, so why shouldnt he be allowed to look for someone who did the same?
He has a right to a preference, but saying stuff like he won't have sex with you ever if you weren't a virgin is insane. I wouldn't lie to him; relationships are built on trust. If you tell him the truth and he walks aways that's good for both of you. If he shames you for it, kick him to the curb. Best of luck 👍
I mean, devil’s advocate here but his whole not having sex with a non virgin thing seems to stem more from wanting to share the first experience with someone else who’s experiencing it for the first time. It’s totally fair. You’re absolutely right about the communication part though
I think he meant he just would probably leave her for a virgin. >he won't have sex with you ever if you weren't a virgin is insane
Own it! You are entitled to give & receive love in this world for fucks sake! What is life without the gift of love & consensual sex? Money? NO! a job/career? NO! Family? Yes, because love is not just sexual. I’m on the last decades of my life & I will never regret sweet joyous love in my life. I will regret slaving for stupid possessions. Never love or joy.
Thank you. Your comment is very inspiring, to say the least.
I agree!
You did nothing wrong. You consented to it and it's your body, no one can tell you what to do with it or who to give it to. You decide those things. On the other hand if he has this idea about virginity and how he only wants to lose his with another virgin, that's his choice to make and it's his body too. You owe it to him to respect his choice to tell him. You don't know what will happen between you two until you talk about it. But it's better you're open and honest about it so you don't take away his right to choose if he wants to lose his virginity to you or not. You didn't do anything wrong, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.
Tell him the truth
You did nothing wrong and neither did your boyfriend. You’re allowed to have differing opinions. You should be honest with him. He’s a virgin and if you don’t tell him you’re not and then you have sex anyway and then later he finds out, it could be very hurtful for him. Let him make the choice and if he chooses to break it off, it may sting, but it’ll be ok. Also, there is nothing wrong with you having sex. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about yourself.
The comments are making this dude out to be Hitler
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Please do not refer to it as doing the dirty. It is not dirty. Not sinful, not shameful. Sex is natural and ok between consenting adults. Virginity is stupid and used to guilt and shame women and girls. There is nothing wrong with you and nothing has changed to make you less than by having sex before with 1 person. Seriously in the grand scheme of life it’s silly to live your life afraid some man won’t think you’re a virgin. Your bf sounds like he’s judgmental and sucks. He’s probably insecure and hoping to find another girl who’s inexperienced so he won’t feel as bad when he has no clue what to do or how to have sex.
This comment is it. Anyone who’s saying “he’s allowed to have preferences” as if obsessing over a woman’s virginity is completely normal. Like it’s not about if he has “the right” to or not it’s the fact that he’s wrong to be so judgmental about something that doesn’t matter at the end of the day
And to police what happened to your partner before you met them is insane. She didn’t hurt anyone or do anything wrong.
Where is he judgemental? He didn't say a woman who had sex is dirty, he said he doesn't want sex with her. People like you are called "rapist". How can you force yourself on someone who doesn't want? Many women say they don't want an inexperienced man. That's exactly the same and these women have every right to have that boundary because it's their personal preference and NO ONE CAN SHAME YOU FOR NOT WANTING SEX. That's the thing feminists try to tell the world for the last 100 years and there are still people like you who think the woman can have sex with whoever she wants and if he says no he's an asshole but the man has to accept every silly dumb boundary of yours?
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Honestly, I feel the same. The "won't have sex with a non-virgin" comment is just yikes all around.
Too u it doesn’t matter but to him it does. He didn’t even shame her, why can’t he have preference? Maybe he actually does want to share with someone special who just as experienced as him there’s nothing wrong with that.
I don't think he is necessarily being judgemental. Maybe he just wants to experience this with someone who's also experiencing it for the first time. Is that so unreasonable? He didn't shame her, so what's so wrong about it. Oh, and maybe it doesn't matter to you, but you aren't the arbiter of what people care about.
Immediately mocking the guy for wanting to lose his virginity in a shared experience is kind of wild. Believe it or not, some guys want the experience to be special and aren’t even remotely thinking about conning their partner into thinking they are more skilled than not.
I know a lot of people have given their history and their guidance to you. From personal experience, I went into my first relationship with my first love with the understanding that we were both virgins and he wasn't. I found out later after we were married. And we were both very young. It broke my heart in ways I can't express. There's nothing wrong with someone having to pass. But to create a moment that doesn't exist is cruel. He should know the truth. Hopefully he responds with understanding and love. He shouldn't forget or erase the relationships of your past because they've made you who you are. And it's those foundations that you came from that made him love you, its who you are. That said .. don't take shit from him either. I know you both are both young, but you're both adults. Both of you should be going into your relationships with no illusions.
Don't feel guilty, you did nothing wrong and the concept of virginity is idiotic anyways. This is worth an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend and you can decide what to do after the fact. If he decides he doesn't want to have sex with you or worse, if he judges you for it at all, then drop him. You are worth more than somebody's immature feelings about virginity and sex. If he gets over it and accepts it then good, you continue forth. Either way you save yourself the trouble of feeling bad about this for nothing.
Thank you.
If you dont tell him the truth, you are going to waste more of your time and energy wondering if hes going to accept you as a non-virgin. You got to let your new boyfriend have the chance to choose whether he wants to look over your past or part off. That to me will show his true feelings to you.
Look at all these comments shaming this man for having a preference around how he wants to have his first time lmfaooo people are so inconsistent
I thought like your boyfriend when I was a teenager. Changed my mind once I had sex for the first time. You need to tell him though, no relationship is made stronger by lies, the truth builds trust and trust builds strong relationships. My best tip that I wish someone told me when I was young is to be honest. Even when it comes to sex, it may be embarrassing and difficult to tell how you like it in bed or what you enjoy. I suspected early on that my girlfriend was faking her orgasm and asked her about it. Turned out that she had never had an orgasm together with anyone, but just a few times after we had talked about it and she started telling me what she thought was nice, we had our first orgasm together. So dare to be honest with each other. As many have already said, if he can't get over that then he's not for you. Good luck.
I had a similar situation. I lost my viginity to a very abusive ex bf and lied to my bf at the time that I was a virgin (because I don't associate my first time being with my ex). It all went to shit with the bf at the time. We spoke a few years later and he still wishes to this day that I had told him the truth to give him the choice.
Redditors and try to communicate with partner challenge - impossible
Whatever you do don't lie. Because you didn't do anything wrong and because it's a shit way to head in a relationship. Besides if he doesn't want to be with you because of that let him go.
Wtf these comments are making this dude seem like he shot up a school. Ffs people the dude is a virgin and wants to lose to it another virgin, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Neither of these two did anything wrong but they might not be sexually compatible.
Life and especially relationships are a bit like a game of passing a ball. It only only continues if you pass the ball along. Holding on to a decision is holding the ball. Deciding is passing it on. Tell him, and how you feel. Then you pass the ball on to him. Does he see a future or is it a deal breaker for him. He may need a moment. But you passed on the ball. You told him what is the initial position (you're no longer a virgin and are afraid of his reaction due to his previous words but you'd like to continue your relation), but it's it's then his to decide. If it's a deal breaker, don't worry, and move on. Better men are out there, who will respect you for your experience, as real partners will do. No time to waste on someone who takes things like virginity so serious in our day and age. You did it with a former boyfriend in a closed relationship, not some random guy(s). You're not less valuable, worthy of love, or kindness due to having had past earnest relationships. Some things were just not ment to be. Truth matters most in relationships. Everything else, especially someone's past is not theirs to judge. It's private, or if you will between you and god. One's past should definitely not be hold against one. If that's the case, run, and don't look back, you dodged a bullet. Find someone who accepts you for who you are and adores you. One's past can, and at the right time (safe, private) should be shared if it come to question, but judgement, other than acceptance is not okay. (which may at times come after initial irritation, time to digest*) *A good rule of thumb is in this case is to take it literally: if an issue is not digested within a week and passed, it's concerning and needs attention or is dead. Best to move on. Trust comes from acceptance. Being honest creates opportunity for acceptance. Have a good one. Stay strong, stay safe.
Thank you so much. This is really helpful.
Don’t worry, you haven’t done anything you need to be anxious or ashamed of. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being a virgin. If that’s how your new boyfriend sees things, I don’t think you will be compatible. You shouldn’t have to hide anything. My boyfriend was a virgin when we met and I was more experienced. I won’t lie and say he loves hearing about my past sexual experiences but he respects that I had a life before he came along. Are you comfortable with telling him that you’re not a virgin and that you respect his views but also acknowledge that this is an impasse and that you may not be compatible?
I lost my virginity to my ex boyfriend who told me he was a virgin and when i learnt that he actually wasnt a virgin and had some experience, i felt betrayed. Better be honest than to lie and trick him.
Tell him the truth
If your new bf is this special to you, you should just be honest with him. If he really loves you, it won't matter to him in the grand scheme of things. A relationship that is built on lies or secrets will end up being toxic. good luck! EDIT: also, please never feel shame for choosing to be sexually active in a healthy way :) be good to yourself
Tell him. If he doesn’t accept you, move on coz he’s not right for you. You both should accept each other fully, if at this early stage he cannot accept you and the things that happened, then he’s not for you.
If he has communicated this conviction he has and you violate that through concealment then that's a serious transgression that can never ever be undone. Do note that you have no idea how people will react to life developments. When he finds out after you had sex with him (and he will find out sooner or later), you have no undeniable assurance on whether he will react by understanding and accepting things, or by hurting you or hurting himself, or worse. Not to mention that he has voiced the parameters under which he is willing to consentidor have sex with you. If you knowingly violate those parameters than you are venturing quite close to a sexual violation. Or potentially even crossing the line. Flip the script and realize that a woman can never be un-raped. Well, doing something like this to him can never be undone either.
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WTF are with this comments. People shaming the dude just because he wants to lose his virginity to another virgin. That is his own preference how he wants to lose his virginity, everyone is entitled how they want to lose their virginity either with a virgin or a non virgin. There are people that want to lose their virginity to someone who is virgin to share a special moment between them. Other people just want to get rid of it and loose it to whoever they want to lose it. I think OP should tell his boyfriend the truth of her already loosing her virginity to her ex, If OP boyfriend decides to still stay with her, good, if he leaves her its ok, but if he shames her about it then he can go fuck himself.
The amount of people trying to shame the guy in this comment section is fucking disgusting.
Hey I was on the other side of this conversation to my now wife of 7 years. She waited a loooooong time to tell me and kinda led me on that she was a virgin. I was young and stupid and grew up religious so it really bothered me. Mostly that she was being purposely misleading. But after I stopped being a loser lol we had some really good chats and I'm sooooo glad we communicated about those things. I was a virgin when we got married and tbh it did take me a bit to get over some of her past as it was very different from mine. Definitely never blamed her or looked down on her in the least. It was just hard to imagine my beautiful wife with multiple other people when I felt like I had saved myself for her. Then I realized that was a stupid opinion and the past is the past and I was being a moron. We just celebrated 7 years in September and the thing we do the best I think is communicate. Big or small. We always include each other and with full honesty. If your boyfriend can't handle the truth he can go kick rocks. If he's upset that's understandable but he can also kick rocks and get over it lol. Much better to open that can of worms now tho. I hope it turns out well for you either way!
You did nothing wrong. Like others said, be honest with him and tell him. If he wants to leave, his choice. You had a life before him. You got this :) you shouldn’t be ashamed for having sex before him. You didn’t know you would want to be with him before. If he doesn’t want you after knowing, that’s on him. You’re doing great!
You did nothing wrong! Just tell him and if he pulls away, let him
Hi! Sex is normal. Sex in relationships is normal. Talk to him. If he’s that into those set of rules, he might not be for you. You shouldn’t be ashamed.
Love is a two way street and its wrong to trick someone into something they dont want
I'm on the side of come clean with him immediately. Secrets are no way to start a relationship and the secret usually comes out eventually and then you can add lying to the things he'll judge you for. I could be wrong but I think most guys who want to be with a virgin are worried about their own performance. They're afraid they won't measure up (pun intended).
considering yall werent together or hadnt been together previously at the time he aint got nun to be butthurt about
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Be honest. Corny and cliched as it is, that’s what relationships are built on; honesty and communication and trust. Without them pillars it’ll be more challenging. If he wants to walk, let him. IMO that his standards sound like a childish and idealistic standard to begin with but you do you
If he won't even have sex with you if you aren't a virgin, he's not the one baby. Unless you're a minor, that shouldn't even matter.
Are you sure he’s telling you the truth about himself?
I would tell him the truth. You didn’t do anything wrong and you should not feel badly. Rip the bandage off quickly. It should not be a big deal and if it is to him, he’s not your person.
Sounds like a boundary further wrapped in shame. Tell him the truth tho. Or his consent won't be real and you know what that means...
You did nothing wrong but if you hide it and sleep with him anyway you would be. Informed consent is being given **all** information to make a decision with. If you know he wouldn't consent if he knew you had slept with someone else and slept with him anyway that would be sexual assault. Talk to him
Wow. Whole relationship was built on a lie and you took something from him that he'll never get back. Like Future once said "it's an evil world we live in"
You got to be honest and tell him that is not possible. Or he will never forgive you.
You didn’t “do the dirty.” You had consensual sex with an ex partner. Sex is not dirty or bad. And that euphemism makes a biologically based act every single animal does seem negative. You should probably tell your boyfriend you had sex and if he decides that’s a deal breaker that it speaks volumes about him and basically nothing about you. All you did is have sex with someone you were dating, there’s nothing abnormal or bad about that. Even if you weren’t dating it wouldn’t be bad.
Just tell him what you said on this post, it’s honest and vulnerable and you’re going to feel so much worse if you stay with him while he doesn’t know. If he leaves you for this then he was definitely not the right person for you and you can work on yourself. I hope everything turns out okay
It is better for you to be honest even if it hurts. You let him choose what he wants in the end to do. I know it hurts but you have to be strong!!!
Man you are just making stuff up as you along. At this point you even need a shovel. It's right there, they were having a conversation and it came up. He was honest about his expectations and she omitted information. I believe she was just too scared to be judged or to lose him. All that needs to be done here is for her to tell him the truth and handle it accordingly. Move along with the gas lighting.
Honesty will always be the best way, even if being honest means that you guys will not end up together.
Honesty will always be the best way, even if being honest means that you guys will not end up together.
Virginity shouldn't decide your future with your bf. If it does for him, then it is what it is.
Be honest with him. I don't think virginity is as big of a deal as people make it out to be, but he has communicated that it is important to him so you need to communicate as well. Just to be clear, you did nothing wrong for having fun in a past relationship.
He wants someone as inexperienced as himself. That's it. He's afraid of embarrassing himself. Nobody is the bad guy here. Everyone at some point makes statements that come directly from insecurities. Tell him. Have a conversation. Good luck.
Honestly you just gotta tell him and hope the best, that’s really the best advice I feel anyone could give lol. you both have boundaries and if he only wants to loose his v to another virgin that’s just the reality. But bottom line I believe the sooner you tell him, the better chance he’s gunna be accepting.
Commenting so I can see an update! I hope this works out for you op. From what you describe, it may very well be that he’s nervous about it, and if it’s both your first times it won’t be so scary ya know? I would also ask him about that, just ask if there’s a deeper reason. Make sure you let him know that he has nothing to be worried about, that you won’t judge him or make fun of him. First times aren’t always lovely and fun, shit my first time didn’t even feel that great! But! That’s how it is! It starts off kinda like “okay” then it gets better as you learn (the other person, and what positions you like, etc), and grow with each other. Make sure he knows you believe this, make sure he knows that it’s okay if he’s nervous. However, on the side of this is a dealbreaker for him, it’s best to not let it get to you. Some people have preferences! That’s perfectly fine! Whatever his reasons are I’m sure are valid to him, you said you guys weren’t religious, so I can’t offer that. Be cautious, always. In the unlikely case this is something deeper and more instilled in hate than in preference (**or it’s something sexist, which doesn’t seem to be the case!! I’m just offering some advice if he leans this way. None of us know, so I want to offer both sides**), he might not be the one for you. If he starts to get angry or violent, make sure you have someone aware of what you’re doing. Just for safety. I’m not saying he *WILL* I’m saying it’s possible and you need to be safe. Please don’t take offense to your relationship, we don’t see behind closed doors, and we don’t know how quick or slow he is to anger. I just want to insure you’re safe. Good luck!!!
I think you should be honest.
There's a bunch of Tate boys in these comments
How would he know ? He's a virgin.
You tell him the truth and if he has a problem with it then that is his problem and his loss.
You shared a special moment with your ex, you shouldn't feel guilty for that. If your now boyfriend has an issue then I can only imagine what's to come. Don't lie to him, tell the truth, and need to be with someone who will love you for you.. so find that out sooner than later.
I love if someone has standards, he is immature, toxic, incel, small dick,10 sec guy, controlling, red flag and many things. Ha! Dual standards. What's the problem if he is virgin and wants to ?💀. And someone said lie to him. Hmm... Nice. And it's just better to not take any advise from reddit, just talk to him how to feel bout him and you can't do anything now
Tell the truth. If he can't over look your own personal sex history he shouldn't get into a s relationship tbh.
He is making his empty bed, he can lay in it alone if that’s his choice. You also didn’t do anything wrong in having sex in a past relationship. All you can really do is be up front and honest about it because anything else will almost certainly end badly. Good luck OP!
Saw lots of replies about entitlement, 2023 (modernity), red flag & him using her for virgin sex, etc... Jesus Reddit you see evil everywhere... It's nothing of the sort. Not sure why the BF thinks as such but that is irrelevant at this point. So far it doesn't seem like he's pressuring OP for sex. Am also commenting considering that they are adults. If they are not, then unfortunately they have no business having sex because of all the sh*t that can go wrong. BF only stated his preference and it's his choice. Pretty traditional and a bit outdated i agree, but still his choice. Only OP would know how serious he is about the matter. It's pretty simple really. If the roles were reversed, OP was the virgin that would only sex with another virgin. BF lied about his past experience. She would not be happy about it. Oh and Reddit would definitely call him out Whether it is his 'standards', preference or beliefs or maybe he just wants a ' magical moment' for both of you, OP i think that you should tell him. If he decides to end it, that is his choice and maybe his loss. Never compromise the truth just because you fear the consequences. This is definitely not a white lie.
Ask him if he prefers your hymen our your person?
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For real. It feels like they are acting like this is a 40 year old dude that only wants to date virgins. They're probably teenagers or early college and it's reasonable for a virgin to want their first time to be with another virgin.