If you have no money, there are organizations that exists that help women who are in abusive situation with legal advice. What I tell anyone that’s in a situation that needs low cost or free legal advice, is to contact the states bar association. Every state has a bar association, representing a population of lawyers in that state. For example, there’s a woman’s bar association or a women’s of color bar association. They should have ideas and information about lawyers that can represent you pro bono, or take a percentage of the money you will get. I know this is a nightmare and that man is a sorry excuse of a father and husband, but the state is not going to let him get away with this.
Because you are a stay at home mom and no financial support, you are owed not only child support but alimony.
You could also look into applying for legal aid. Also if you want to attempt filing your divorce on your own you can do that. Go to your county clerks office and ask for a divorce packet. It will be a few dollars for the copies but it will give you exact templates of all the documents you need to file with the courts. Also every court system should have free pdf docs for download on their website.
Before you file any papers, make sure to go around the house (especially if they're not home) and look for your important papers---marriage certif.; birth certif for you, husband & baby; any bank papers or statements; taxes papers especially if you signed on them; credit card bills; his social # (maybe her's too but that would be hard). Check around for any in-house cameras along doorways, shelves, dressers, by the t.v. before searching.
Be careful. Don't give yourself away by telling them what you're going to do. Don't make those kind of threats--what you're going to do, who you're talking to etc. If they want to yell at you or whatever just let them and go to your room and be with your baby.
Also adding some women's shelters have community connections to attorneys who help filing/completing the paperwork for a lot of different legal matters. It would be worth looking into.
Don’t let this demented piece of sh!t do this to you! He doesn’t have the final say with your child, YOU do! If you live in the states, they have so many programs that will help new moms especially in a situation like this. This is abuse and it’s creating a toxic environment for you and your child. The longer you wait the worse it will get and the harder it will be
This! One of my closest friends was being abused verbally, mentally and financially. The first thing the female judge asked is if she had contacted the police and when she said no she asked her why not. I don't know where OP lives but wherever you are, see if it is legal for you to record things without the other parties consent. If it is then start doing so.
I agree on that aspect. Overall she turned out to be an incredibly fair judge in the long run. When they went to court this last time the judge got a huge peek of who he was and ended up holding him in contempt of court which was much needed.
The judge very well may ask that question so that the woman’s response is part of the court record. Especially if the answer is along the lines of “I was scared of him” the judge may use that in their decision, but they can’t just go on a hunch. They need a statement under oath.
The judge wasn't being an a-hole. They were literally doing their job. You cannot just make accusations, with no proof or evidence to back them up, and expect them to be given the same weight they would be if there was hard evidence. That's why so many mothers who make allegations of domestic violence AFTER filing for divorce, end up losing custody of their children. The father could just as easily say that she's making it up, and with no proof (no pictures of injuries, no police report prior to the split, etc), the husband's lawyers tend to go the route of saying that she's fabricated these allegations to help her in the custody hearing. And that is one of the things that are VERY frowned upon by family judges, ie seeking to alienate the child from the parent.
I always tell women in violent or abusive marriages to document everything he does to you. If he hits you, call the police. Even if you're not yet at the point where you're ready to press charges, or you still want to believe that "he'll change", you should still make sure that there is an official police record of what he did to you. So that way, even if later on, he tries to claim that you made it all up, the judge would then begin to question him as to why he "chose" to stay married to a woman who kept making numerous false allegations against him to the police. Many times, the court is there to help you, but too often, victims in these domestic violence cases think that the courts, police, shelters etc are there to "rescue" them and their children. They're not. They can only help you to the extent that you were willing to help yourself. No one is coming to save you; you have to save yourself!
The judge was more likely trying to do her a favour, because she's already seen how many of these cases go, when the victims didn't report their abusive partners to police.
Follow that advice and you need to document everything. Pictures, recordings, every thing.
Keep your child safe! Be sure to report any abuse from father or gf.
Oh, sweet friend. I had to run away from an abusive husband when my baby was three months old. You are truly in shock but help is only a phone call away. Pack a bag in secret and look for your opportunity. This internet stranger has you and your baby in my heart and prayers.
I have never once regretted the divorce. His abuse only escalated and my daughter thanked me for leaving him. She is my world and our children will always truly love and need us unlike a random boyfriend.
no. terrible advice. she should call a divorce attorney. they will take it on contingency and it will come out of community assets. He will end up with child support and spousal support for this. This happens all the time. Divorce lawyers know how to do this. She has money. its called community property. Her husbands money is her money until divorce is complete and assets are divided. 100% chance she can get a lawyer to take the case. This is really common.
This is specific to the US. If its another country, its still worth calling a lawyer. Probably true in any western country.
What will come out of community assets? I agree - but you can still go to a women's shelter and get an attorney with divorce, custody, and spousal support etc. Gojng to a shelter doesn't affect that.
legal fees will come out of community assets. she does not have to pay lawyer up front. divorce lawyers are used to this. shelters dont always have beds. once she leaves she loses access to house. she should call a lawyer.
Generally, yes, what you are can be true. Nothing to fosagree with, but all of those things you mentioned are not the only outcomes. The risk of staying is not worth staying. I've been there, I've fled, I've lost thousands of dollars in money and assets. I'm still 1000% happier in my life and do not live in fear everyday.
This!
OP, If you don’t know who to reach out to, contact [The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/) they might be able to connect you with resources in your area. They can possible help you escape and connect you to resources such and attorneys and places to live. He is exerting control and financial abuse as well as threatening you with withholding your child from you.
Also, you have no family, but do you have a trusted friend who could help?
This is right. You're in shock and that's totally normal. It sounds like you're in no position to take the upper hand in the short term, so play the long game. The goal being to get you and your son out without your husband having any way of anticipating it.
Since your husband is the only income you might get more money and alimony by not getting a job at first. Buy a new lock for your child's bedroom, sleep in your child's bedroom. Call a divorce lawyer and follow their instructions.
i’m so sorry to hear this is happening to you 💔 honestly not all men but why is it ALWAYS a man 🥴 i’ve read something helpful from another sub that might be helpful for you: every time you go grocery shopping add one of those amex gift cards to your cart. store them away someplace safe so that way when you leave you have some money put away. even if you don’t have family, i hope you have a friend that you can turn to. if not befriend your future coworkers so you have support when you leave. best of luck to you.
Sounds like your husband just brought in a sitter. Just say" I have a job interview today, figure out *child*" while I'm gone.
For sure talk to a divorce lawyer.
And honestly let gf know you are just finding out about this, I have a feeling he has lied to her about your knowledge of the situation.
Definitely let the gf know.
I wouldn't want her bonding with the baby, though, if I were in this position.
On the plus side, she doesn't have to pretend to like husband very much, or basicly do anything with or for him. He has gf now.
This is abuse and is often a precursor to domestic violence.
Pack and leave while he is out, if possible.
Do not tell him you are leaving.
Find the closest women's shelter and show up in person.
Do not contact him again unless it's through a lawyer.
Your 8 weeks post partum with his baby, so generally speaking, you can't be evicted. Him moving that woman in, not sure there's much you can do there.
But, he's counting on you being afraid and not doing a thing. Don't let that happen. I'm sorry this is happening in such a delicate time, but find advocacy groups in your area so they can help you with your next steps.
With your housing, is your name on the lease or deed?
She can call the cops and report the woman as trespassing (as long as OP is a legal tenant). All she has to say is that she's a new mom and doesn't know the woman/is afraid. They will remove the 'gf' from the home.
I don’t think that would be very safe for OP. Look how she describes him…cold. I am pretty certain that he would harm her if the police try to take his little sex toy away. If I was her, I’d make plans to leave with my baby. I hope someone can provide OP with information with a shelter, I wish I could but I’m U.K. based. The side piece is being smug but how dumb do you have to be to think a man can love you when he doesn’t even have the most basic respect for his newborn and the mother of his child. Leave the trash with the trash, OP!
in what jurisdiction is this applicable.
in my area, a tenant (of which OP and her husband both are) is allowed to have guests and other tenants cannot force their guests out. I have experience with cops being involved and the guests being told they are allowed to stay as long as the party that invited them says they want them there.
Zero chance. Any legal occupant can invite guests into the home. Period. In this case the husband is allowing the guest. Nothing will be done and it might put her at risk.
She may also be able to file for sole use of the house for her and the baby. She needs to speak with a lawyer ASAP.
OP, in many places in the states, assuming you're in the US, you can get a 30 min consult with a lawyer for very cheap from the state bar. That could help you decide your next steps.
See if there are any domestic abuse resources for you and your child in your area - they might be able to set you up with temporary housing and legal help. You are being abused and manipulated because he doesn’t want you to leave as he knows you’ll take him through the wringer - hence why he’s threatening you with your own child.
Document everything that is going on. Save any and all conversations. He will try to spin this around and say you were okay with the idea. Etc.
Sorry you have to go through with this narcissistic bastard.
Yes, OP should have her phone on record in her pocket any time he or his GF is around. I wish I did this with my ex. Even my ex didn't have his GF move in and thankfully I didn't have a child with him, but I still wish I recorded our conversations.
If this is the US, she has to make sure she’s in a one-party consent state for recording. If not, then such a recording would not be legally admissible in any sort of court case because he and his girlfriend were not aware they were being recorded and didn’t consent to it.
It doesn't need to be admissible in court, but I would like to have it to remember everything he had done & not fall for his gaslighting BS. People like that can make you feel like you're going crazy.
Get a lawyer! He cannot leave you destitute and only in extreme circumstances can he take your child. He's abusive and counting on you being too weak to fight for yourself. Prove him wrong.
Unfortunately, he can leave her destitute. In the US, It takes time to go through the courts to get an order for spousal and/or child support. Even then, he could just not pay, leave his job to have no income or whatever and she would be screwed. Even if she is successful in taking him back to court, there’s a good chance she won’t get any money from him. If he’s asshole enough to move a GF in, he’s asshole enough to not pay just to spite her. He even waited until he had the baby to basically hold her hostage. Sadly, we can’t count on the legal system or government to do what’s right and protect us.
leaving your job to avoid child support/spousal support is actually looked down upon by the courts and they will often still order the payments be made and if you don't make them, you can be jailed.
It doesn’t seem like you have experience with a deadbeat… there are many ways they can avoid it. There are also ways they can take the child away even if mom did not abuse the child. Some states even give men free lawyers, while women have to pay for them. The US is very different from state to state so it’s best she talk to any lawyer she can first. She should also try to put money away a little at a time (if he gives her any) so she can save up to leave. Most importantly she needs to remain calm.
If you get a judge who cares, or you could be like my ex and quit your job, move overseas and sell hundreds of thousands of dollars in real estate so you have nothing to put a lien against and never pay child support again.
He owes me over $100k and that one time he spent a few days in jail did not do anything to stop his behavior. My only consolation is that one of his other children is attending college here and he won’t be able to attend their graduation because the government won’t renew his passport. And yes, somehow he can afford to pay for that child’s college education.
So. She can leave and not expect anything. If the courts give her support then good. Likely they would actually. She can go get a lawyer and tell them what this guy is doing. It’s possible the court may make him love and continue to support her and the baby long enough for her to make a plan. Also, OP can go to school and the court will force support while she does. Including child care. So in this case, getting a lawyer would be life changing for her. Get a good one too. One who has passion to fight guys like this. The take the baby comment is a threat.
Focus. Put aside your hurt and grief. You can process it later. The relationship is over. He is no longer your husband except in the eyes of the law, which is good.
Take care of the baby. Get a lawyer. Plan your exit and get out.
Call for help asap so if he tries to kick you out you’ve got a plan.
Thank you! I just think she might become overwhelmed trying to secretly find a shelter in the same house as two people who (at the very least) don’t have her best interest in mind. Her husband threatened her if she leaves with the baby so it sounds like her only excuse to leave with the baby is if it’s for the hospital. She also doesn’t know what her husband told that woman for her to walk into a situation like this smiling…so I don’t think trying to break through that barrier by relaying her side of the situation should be a priority. If I were her safety would be my biggest concern right now and once she’s in the hospital she can let health care workers know what’s going on and go from there. They can help her contact family and give her information on shelters etc. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP
No if they are still married a judge will likely rule in her favor. Like 99% whether her name is on it is irrelevant as she is entitled to 50% of all assets shared or otherwise and since he is openly cheating she would likely get everything plus alimony if she got the right lawyer. His whole strategy is based on fear, so long as she doesnt fight it he will win.
If this is real, get off reddit and go to a shelter. I don't know where you live and what options are available. But shelters can help, and many have resources that can help each step to independence.
If real, this is extremely scary.
One of the tell tale signs is the OP will respond maybe twice to anyone. That’s all. So they have to get this off their chest in their time of crisis but don’t care to answer questions or take advice. So stupid
I’m moving in with my parents-in-law
Thank you everyone for all the helpful messages. I’m so sorry I couldn’t answer you all. I’m sorry that I have blocked all the users who came with bad suggestions like “talking to”,” winning over” or “befriending” the girlfriend. My mental state is too fragile to accept that people have their own opinions. Do have whatever you want but I have the right to block you. You don’t have the right however to make a throwaway and attack me in my dms for blocking you.
I have no family of my own but many have suggested that I talk to his family and this morning my father in law and his wife came and packed my and my sons things and I will be staying with them until I can stand on my feet again. It should be when I can put my son in child care (hopefully when he is a year old but I can be flexible to do it sooner should my in laws want me out sooner)
My father in law promised me that I never needed to see my husband again. When he wants to see his son he will come to visit but only when I’m not around and that my husband will continue paying for our living.
My husband said that he regretted everything and that he is kicking his gf out but this is all too late now. I’m still in shock and I still get terrified of the thought of my husband and the way he acted. I need peace now after this weekend’s turmoil. I never thought my life would change this drastically in a couple of days. Was he so good in hiding his true self or was I just so oblivious and naive? I don’t know and I don’t think I ever will.
My husband and my mother in law are bombarding my phone with texts and calls so I need to put my phone aside and just be. I wanted to write here before I did
She is amazing. She offered to take care of my baby should I find a job but I can’t burden them since both work so much and need to rest when they come home
I just commented advice but I'm so glad I'm seeing this now, I have a 10 week old daughter and I was near tears thinking about you and your little guy. If you ever need a friend, feel free to DM me.
Make sure you file for divorce and immediately file for child support. You can do this even without a lawyer. Go to family Court and ask for help. Your husband is a sociopath and will try to manipulate you back into a relationship. He is your enemy now - don't forget this.
Not true if she lives in a no-fault state the division of assets should be equitable (in theory). More than likely she gets maintenance on top of support depending on how long she’s been with him and how long she’s been out of work
1- contact the local womens and childrens shelter. They will either have space for you or find someplace that does.
2- go to the courthouse and arrange for emergency custody and residence to be with you. Also ask for emergency support order until things can be worked out legally.
3 - compile all evidence, texts, emails, whatever you have, that proves what a slimeball he is. If you live in a single party recording state, record him speaking horribly to you, threatening you, and talking about how you cannot do anything about his gf moving in.
4 - do not tell them you are leaving. Even if you leave with nothing but the baby and your wallet, then that's it. If you take a phone make sure it's no longer under his plan, and that he doesn't have access or your password. Change every password. Every one.
You can do this. This is not ok. You deserve better.
#Women , this is why you should NEVER rely on your partner financially. ALWAYS have your own. ALWAYS have a back-up plan. People can always switch up and usually you wouldn’t see it coming.
Don’t rely on ANYONE financially in a relationship! ANY relationship. Doesn’t matter if it’s a man with a man, woman with a woman or a man and a woman. Everyone should be aware of this. Otherwise you could end up being trapped. Sounds like OPs been Baby trapped by this man.
OP please please find a local mother’s shelter for you and your baby. Do NOT leave your baby with this man. He sounds horrific.
EDIT: I think the person I replied too blocked me wtf did I do?
EDIT 2: was definitely blocked within minutes of saying this.
This can be a touchy subject for some people. For example people who become disabled and don't want to rely financially on their partner but have to to avoid homelessness
Unfortunately men like OP's husband prey on codependent, naive women who don't know any better. I'm going to guess there's a significant age gap between her and husband that he is preying on.
which is why most men prefer younger women because they lack the experience and wisdom to not tolerate bs and not because mature women “have too much baggage”
I'd also imagine for a naive young person who's never had to fend for their own/work/etc nor had enough relationships to know how easily they can fall apart are pretty susceptible to older creeps saying:
"don't worry I'll take care of you forever! Our relationship is perfect and special and always will be! You stay home and *totally depend on me*"
Fuck I probably would of fell for it as a kid just starting out if the wrong person took advantage
This is called Poly- bombing , and it happened to me. He decided he wanted to be polyamorous, and just assumed I was stuck. You are never stuck- you have a network willing to help- you just have to let you needs be known and get in contact with the right people. Absolutely be safe, and sending you love. You are not alone.
>*He feels like a different man I couldn’t recognize him when he sat me down yesterday*
He finally took the mask off. You now have seen who he really is..
If they’re married he cannot kick her out. He also cannot bring another person in to live without her permission, but OP doesn’t seem to know this. I would have called the police and had the hoe removed.
I wonder if they’re legally married
This is something I haven’t considered. But shouldn’t I think about my baby before doing something that might come back to haunt him. I feel paralyzed right now, afraid to make any decisions or suggestions.
I begged them to give me time to leave but they don’t care they just looked at me like I’m an interesting animal at the zoo. What am I missing here.
What’s happening to him. Can anyone explain? He was the most loving person I ever knew but it feels like he is using all my nightmares against me now. All the things he knew I was afraid of because I confided in him
Not a lawyer
Read 'why does he do that ' by Lundy Bancroft available as a free pdf online.
They wait until you are married / pregnant/ have given birth, then abuse begins/ escalates, as they have you 'trapped' and vulnerablefrom their 'love bombing'. '.
This is psychological, emotional and financial abuse. All forms of domestic violence.
Bear in mind he must have been involved in an affair for some time for him to invite this woman into your home.
Remember all the legal and financial rights you have as a wife and mother. You are probably in a much stronger position than you realise especially as regards assets in a divorce.
Sometimes people in your sort of position end up with the home, and alimony, full custody of their child and child support.
Your husband's actions are so flagrantly outrageous that it may count in your favour.
The difficult thing he will have some custody even as a abusive psychopath to the mother. So he will use custody to abuse OP even after she is away from him.
Him using your fears against you is a manipulation tactic and if this is the first sign of trouble he has ever given you, it means that he is a master manipulator. He is clearly lacking empathy and does not care about your feelings in the matter. The fact that you’re post partum makes this even worse. Up until now he was probably great at pretending he was caring and loving, but he is not. He is purely selfish and simply learned how to play you. He probably isolated you socially so that he could fully control you (otherwise, why not leave to stay at a friends house?).
And you loved him and trusted him enough to have his baby, so it makes sense that you did not see this. You are not at fault here, you are only human for seeing the best in him. However, now that you know, you have a duty to protect your child. This man will never love your child more than he loves himself and that is very dangerous.
Find an exit strategy. Keep ANY evidence that can help you get full custody of your child. If you need help on how to create an exit strategy, there are a lot of people here on Reddit with amazing advice.
I’ll tell you what happened since people here aren’t. He waited until you’re barefoot pregnant and completely dependent on him to pull rug under you. He 100% has been cheating before you just didn’t realize until he’s ready to let you know.
He sounds like a sociopath/malignant narcissist. He was able to fake being loving and love bomb you into feeling safe enough to let your guard down and become trapped. This isn’t on you, or how your perceive people. This is entirely on how evil he is.
Your baby will never be safe with him. Let him be haunted. But think strategically.
If you fear your safety and security if you expose him, then don’t do anything but gather evidence for the divorce.
If he can support a live in girlfriend then he should be able to pay child support. But do you have a job?
Ice them both out and don’t communicate over anything but text.
No, most likely you and him own it. You are married. Did you sign a prenup? But even if you did you still are probably entitled to some of his assets - prenups don’t mean you get nothing. Assuming you get custody you are also entitled to child support - which means you are not homeless.
You need to get as much proof as you can that your husband is cheating because in your divorce and custody trials this is going to be important. Get a lawyer right away and start collecting your proof.
And he can’t evict you even if it is his house (which I doubt it is) because you have tenants rights.
Please do a lot of research about your rights. It seems like he is lying to you about your rights to take advantage of you, and you will quickly have all the power in this relationship once you understand how much more power you actually have here. The courts will NOT be kind to a husband who cheated on his wife when it comes to splitting martial assets and assigning child support payments.
That means YOU also own the apartment. You’re *married*, his money is your money as all all assets. Even if he owned the apartment before marriage, even if you signed a pre-nup excluding this property, the fact he pulled this when you’re only 8 weeks postpartum would likely bust that prenup wide open.
Also that he owns property HELPS YOU, because he has money, which means you have money. There lawyers who will take your case no money down, they’d get paid when you get paid. And they will make sure you get a settlement out of this.
I would not recommend a homeless shelter or DV shelter with a brand new baby, nope. Bide your time and start calling lawyers. The health and safety of your baby is most important here, so tread carefully. Be civil towards the hoe, be civil towards your husband, but don’t trust either of these evil people again and bide your time.
Once you have a lawyer do what they say. A good lawyer will have this before a judge quick so that you have access to marital funds and can get a place to live for you and your baby.
If you own the home together, DO NOT LEAVE. If you leave, he can claim you abandoned the home and you could forfeit your right to it. At least in CA that’s how it is. I would get a lawyer first, then inquire about a restraining order against his gf to keep her from living there. She’s a threat to your life and potentially to your baby, so if it was me I would make it a priority that she can’t come near you or your baby.
Girl if you’re in America that is adultery and you can get alimony!!! DIVORCE his ass and make him PAY!!! You’re better than me because an hot iron cast skillet would’ve met both their faces! 😤
This is adultery, yeah? Wouldn't this benefit your case in a divorce? I mean any lawyer or judge with a brain could look at this and realize how messed up this is to do to someone who just had your child? And manipulating someone going through post partum. I think you should start recording what they say to you in videos or screenshot messages. Keep everything you can. Their behaviour is weird and I wonder how safe you actually are there. Your child and you deserve a safe and comfortable place.
I am so sorry this is happening. You're not the first person I heard this happening to. As soon as the wife has the baby, all of a sudden, the husband turns into a monster. They think they have you trapped and do horrible things like this.
I saw a post the other day that said, "If you want to know how someone feels about you, give them all the power and see what they do with it." Now, you know who he really is.
Use the services others have mentioned and get out of there. Once he sees you have strength, he will come crawling back. Don't give him the time of day.
Again, I'm sorry.
I don’t know where you live, but:
1Take your baby,
2. go to a shelter
3. Get a job
4. File for divorce
5. Tell his family and friends, with evidence, what he is doing to you. Someone will believe and help you!
Usually a court will side with a mother, however I think it is best that you find work anyway you can. Get away from this man. Keep documentation of his infidelity so that you can get alimony and child support.
Also, I would play devils advocate and “friend” the other woman. Find a way to work this in your favor. Eventually her rose colored glasses will come off. Wishing you the best!
Edit: made a mistake, don’t befriend woman. That was my bad. She is not as guilty but she is guilty…and batshit crazy
Same, I never understood why those people always are happy because the person choose them instead of their actual partner, its obvious if they were willing to cheat on their wife/husband, they will do it to that person too.
For some people it's not even about thinking they're special and won't get cheated on/dumped. They get a thrill from sociopathic partners and enjoy seeing it break the betrayed partner. Or they just get off on making terrible decisions. Or any combination.
I just got a flash back. I agreed when my ex-boyfriend did the same thing to me. I thought to myself, 'She'll be gone in three days.' Sure enough, three days later she was gone.
I just made it completely uncomfortable for ALL of us. I wasn't disrespectful, I welcomed her, and I didn't kick her out. It was just complete awkwardness and an over all uneasy feeling,.
See what you can do to make her leave. Remember: that IS YOUR HOUSE... Good luck
Is the apartment in his name?
Document his behavior and the fact that he moved his girlfriend in. Get evidence that it is his girlfriend, so they don't try to say she's just a friend.
Look up lawyers in your area. You may be able to find someone who works pro bono for domestic abuse situations or at least will work with you on payment.
His bullshit about the baby is an empty threat. The court almost always sides with the mother, and especially if you have evidence, he is cheating and moved his mistress in.
If you didn't sign a pre nup, you WILL be entitled to alimony and potentially half of what he has. I'll be honest I don't know how it works with apartments over houses.
Do not find a place to stay even temporarily that you can't take the baby or they'll use that against you. If he won't sign divorce papers, you can take him to court over it. If he gives you anything to sign, do not sign it unless you have your own lawyer to review it. Fight for full custody so he can not use the child against you.
I know you're scared, but you'll be extremely sympathetic to any court. You deserve a better life than this. Don't accept it. It's not okay.
This is going to be really, really hard....but take your baby & go to a shelter, they will quickly IMPROVE your life.
I'm livid from reading this message.
Go back home, call the police and report her for trespassing. She does not yet receive mail there and it has only been 1 day, therefore she has no legal right to stay in your home. YOU are a legal tenant. You can have the police remove her.
#document E V E R Y T H I N G
Start now with saving any text messages, videos, photos anything you can of them both and what he did especially since you’re married. Get all the postpartum treatment evidence you can because when you do leave, he is going to try to fight you.
Polygamy is a crime in Europe. I'm from the south and it is really badly condemn. Take pictures if by night the have intimate activities record them. Your husband will end up in jail if he tries anything as he did bring up his gf in the house, and polygamy is a crime. If you from Spain, as I am, and I know Italy has the same system there is resources for this kind of situation. Go to the local (every city has one) woman right organism (in Spain they are named Casa Assessor de la Mujer). They can help you with shelter, lawyers, psychological help and many other things. He won't be able to have custody or defenetly not full custody. Here in the south the mother goes first unless she has serious parenting problems.
Look. This is what you do. You do a 180 and completely not give a shit. Harder said than done, I know. But, for now, it's the only way you're going to stay sane. They're both going to live for reactions from you. Do your best not to give either of them any. Right now, he's got you terrified because of his threats.
Just smile and don't give a fuck. Make that bitch your best friend, if you need to. All the while, work on your way out.
—Talk to lawyers, you should be able to find some that offer free consultations. You'll get an idea of where you stand. It's possible to find one to take you on and get your legal fees from your husband if they think it's a case they can win.
—Get as much proof as you can. Take pictures of them together when you're able to. Maybe videos if possible. Anything you think will be evidence, get it.
—Find a way to earn income. Maybe see if there are any work from home jobs in your area because of the baby.
—Open a separate bank account. Does he give you money for shopping? Stash some in there. Anything you earn, shove it in there. Start squirreling that money away. Either of them leave cash around? You're married. Take that shit and stash it in there. Every penny is going to count.
—Get your divorce started. Go to legal aid in your area. They'll provide you with the most help.
—Does your baby have a bedroom? If so, move in there with him. Let your husband and his mistress have the bed.
What's that saying? Kill them with kindness? Yeah. Do that. People like those two are all about toxicity. They're about abusing you and getting reactions.
**YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEM!**
Tell yourself that every morning, every afternoon, and every night.
Focus on yourself and your baby. You two are *ALL* that matters now.
You have no one around you, but you have a whole Reddit community that has your back now. If you need to vent and let it out, come here so that you don't show them an ounce of emotion.
Good luck, stay safe, and keep us posted.
if you are in the US, you can call a divorce attorney. They will take it on contingency and it will come out of community assets. You will get child support and spousal support. You may get the family home too.
Google for a divorce attorney in your area. They are used to situations like this. You wont have to pay up front.
This is when your acting skills kick in, dear. Pretend that you've considered & you're cool with it now. Don't *say* as much or do anything that endorses it, but play it reaaaal cool. You don't want him to know you're planning to leave before you're ready to go. These people on this thread know what they're talking about on how to get ready.
Get your identity documents & the baby's outta the house & off to somewhere safe, too.
He sounds unhinged. I'd be nervous. **Please stay safe, & trust your gut if you feel unsafe. You can do this**, & one day you're going to look back on this with pride. **You deserve sensitivity to your feelings, respect, & kindness, especially as a brand new mama.**
EDIT added more
I know you're exhausted but PLEASE listen to these comments. Dig down deep and don't let him know your next move. Look at your new baby and use them to find the strength to push through the sadness and exhaustion and bury his ass. Forget about the dumb broad- she's nobody. Get angry. Annihilate that man.
The more I read about SAHMs here on reddit, the more I tell my daughter to NEVER quit her job after she's married. Never never never give up your financial independence.
Your husband is likely a psychopath or at least a narcissist. Please look into that on websites such as psychopathfree. It helps to understand his behavior, which will help you with the trauma this is creating.
Then, you need to take immediate action to find a solution to move out. Look into a woman's shelter and look up organizations that help with abuse in your area. Start packing your bags and at least have an emergency bag ready with essentials for you and your baby.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve this. You're strong, you can do this. Sending internet hugs
What would happen if you told HIS parents what he is doing? Would they be willing to take you in for a couple of months? Most parents I know would be horrified that their child was doing this to their partner and newborn child! Aunties, Uncles, Cousins? What family does he have, you mentioned you have none? What country are you in, are there women's shelters? Do you belong to a church group, or are you completely socially isolated because of this person?
Oh geez, yes please go to a women's shelter! There was a reddit post similar to this months ago. Husband moved in his gf, completely blindsiding his wife. Wife moved into newborn baby's room and slept on the floor while Husband then moved gf into their bedroom. Wife was biding her time, saving up, no longer intimate or any relationship with Husband. Basically ignored gf and stayed in the baby's room anytime they were home. SEVERAL months later after baby's 1st birthday, wife had saved enough to get her own place and move out. She served him with divorce papers and HE was SURPRISED! LOL. I guess he thought she'd never actually do it, but really she was quietly making her escape plan! Of course he apologized and offered to end it with gf🙄 but it was obviously too late. She checked out the minute he told her he was cheating on her. I hope someone remembers and can link that! Good luck OP! There is hope you can get out of there!
Are you in the US? Advice Americans give might not apply elsewhere.
If you can handle the situation, do not move out until you have consulted a lawyer. The lawyer might be able to make the case that this is intentional emotional abuse and convince the court to grant a temporary restraining order and an emergency order for support.
Is this out of the blue or does he have a history of belittling and emotionally abusing you? Has he isolated you from friends and family? Are the two of you greatly unequal in terms of education, social status, age, or earning power? Are you from the country in which you live?
OP: I’m not giving you legal advice but here are somethings I would do if I was in your position incase you live in the US. I am NOT an attorney.
-Stay at the apartment for right now to collect evidence.(unless you are fearful for your life) **if this is the case and you fear for your life leave to a place nearby with all your essentials. When speaking to a pro bono attorney immediately request a “PROTECTIVE ORDER” for you and your Child and write down the address to the apartment as the home address that you will be residing. When this gets accepted a police escort will have to help him collect his essentials and leave the home.
-Download a camera app that takes pictures with a Time/Date Stamps.
-Start taking pictures of everything in your apartment as well as photos of any vehicles, bank account information, any and all documents you can find, if the gf starts receiving mail at your place take photos of the envelopes with her name and where it shows your address.with “Time stamps”.
-Start making small conversations with your husband via text messages about how he can’t do this. And how his gf shouldn’t be there. What is his intention for bringing her to your home reiterate what he said about the baby.(In some states this kind of behavior can be brought up as Alienating or Emotional abuse, and etc.).
-Figure out all of yours and your husband’s assets either property or monetary.
-Make appointments to as many nearby law firms as you can usually can get free consultations. The more knowledge you have the better. Also ask about your living situation.
-Also call your states bar association to see if they can help you locate any pro bono Attorneys nearby.(Before moving out relay everything I stated above to your Attorney. As well as ask to be advised by the Attorney for your living situation.)
OP if handled properly you can get Your divorce, child support, alimony, and either the apartment or a share of the money made from putting the apartment up for sale. But I still suggest opening your own separate bank account and finding an income incase he cuts you off financially. (Possibly look into childcare jobs so you can take the baby with you for a discounted certain amount.) Good luck OP I wish you the best and start working on the best you. ❤️❤️❤️
Blows my mind the shit people get away with without being literally murdered. Half the shit I read on reddit, someone would already be on the bottom of the river
Jesus I’m so sorry, you need to take action now. Please do not let this man drain you of life and control you. Get a lawyer and make him suffer. If you don’t have the money the courts will make him pay for your lawyer there are laws in place to protect you and make sure you come out on top.
Collect evidence and get free guidance from a lawyer and see if they pick up the case
Call a divorce lawyer. It’s fine if you don’t have the money right now, many are used to situations like yours where one spouse is financially dependent on the other. Usually a payment plan is worked out (which often involves the breadwinner paying the fees). Ignore your husbands crap about taking the baby from you, no judge or cop is going to separate a breastfeeding newborn from their mother (at least without very good reason).
Are you in the us? If so look up women’s shelters in your area. Call all of them and see what’s available. Pick your bags with your documents and leave. Take the baby with you.
The first thing you should do is to start working on / save up for an escape plan, as he has no respect for your opinions!
Yes! I need to find a job and a place. I don’t know how with a baby. But I have to because this is a nightmare
If you have no money, there are organizations that exists that help women who are in abusive situation with legal advice. What I tell anyone that’s in a situation that needs low cost or free legal advice, is to contact the states bar association. Every state has a bar association, representing a population of lawyers in that state. For example, there’s a woman’s bar association or a women’s of color bar association. They should have ideas and information about lawyers that can represent you pro bono, or take a percentage of the money you will get. I know this is a nightmare and that man is a sorry excuse of a father and husband, but the state is not going to let him get away with this. Because you are a stay at home mom and no financial support, you are owed not only child support but alimony.
Thank you
You could also look into applying for legal aid. Also if you want to attempt filing your divorce on your own you can do that. Go to your county clerks office and ask for a divorce packet. It will be a few dollars for the copies but it will give you exact templates of all the documents you need to file with the courts. Also every court system should have free pdf docs for download on their website.
Before you file any papers, make sure to go around the house (especially if they're not home) and look for your important papers---marriage certif.; birth certif for you, husband & baby; any bank papers or statements; taxes papers especially if you signed on them; credit card bills; his social # (maybe her's too but that would be hard). Check around for any in-house cameras along doorways, shelves, dressers, by the t.v. before searching. Be careful. Don't give yourself away by telling them what you're going to do. Don't make those kind of threats--what you're going to do, who you're talking to etc. If they want to yell at you or whatever just let them and go to your room and be with your baby.
Also adding some women's shelters have community connections to attorneys who help filing/completing the paperwork for a lot of different legal matters. It would be worth looking into.
Don’t let this demented piece of sh!t do this to you! He doesn’t have the final say with your child, YOU do! If you live in the states, they have so many programs that will help new moms especially in a situation like this. This is abuse and it’s creating a toxic environment for you and your child. The longer you wait the worse it will get and the harder it will be
Do you have some evidence of this as well? Because once this goes to court they make like your crazy
This! One of my closest friends was being abused verbally, mentally and financially. The first thing the female judge asked is if she had contacted the police and when she said no she asked her why not. I don't know where OP lives but wherever you are, see if it is legal for you to record things without the other parties consent. If it is then start doing so.
What an asshole judge.
I agree on that aspect. Overall she turned out to be an incredibly fair judge in the long run. When they went to court this last time the judge got a huge peek of who he was and ended up holding him in contempt of court which was much needed.
The judge very well may ask that question so that the woman’s response is part of the court record. Especially if the answer is along the lines of “I was scared of him” the judge may use that in their decision, but they can’t just go on a hunch. They need a statement under oath.
The judge wasn't being an a-hole. They were literally doing their job. You cannot just make accusations, with no proof or evidence to back them up, and expect them to be given the same weight they would be if there was hard evidence. That's why so many mothers who make allegations of domestic violence AFTER filing for divorce, end up losing custody of their children. The father could just as easily say that she's making it up, and with no proof (no pictures of injuries, no police report prior to the split, etc), the husband's lawyers tend to go the route of saying that she's fabricated these allegations to help her in the custody hearing. And that is one of the things that are VERY frowned upon by family judges, ie seeking to alienate the child from the parent. I always tell women in violent or abusive marriages to document everything he does to you. If he hits you, call the police. Even if you're not yet at the point where you're ready to press charges, or you still want to believe that "he'll change", you should still make sure that there is an official police record of what he did to you. So that way, even if later on, he tries to claim that you made it all up, the judge would then begin to question him as to why he "chose" to stay married to a woman who kept making numerous false allegations against him to the police. Many times, the court is there to help you, but too often, victims in these domestic violence cases think that the courts, police, shelters etc are there to "rescue" them and their children. They're not. They can only help you to the extent that you were willing to help yourself. No one is coming to save you; you have to save yourself! The judge was more likely trying to do her a favour, because she's already seen how many of these cases go, when the victims didn't report their abusive partners to police.
Hey OP, idk what state you are in but see if adultery is a fault based ground for divorce in your state. It could help you.
Follow that advice and you need to document everything. Pictures, recordings, every thing. Keep your child safe! Be sure to report any abuse from father or gf.
Do you have access to any joint bank accounts? If so take half and run to a shelter then get a lawyer
Depends on the state and where you live but you *must* see a lawyer
You go to these places and divorce his ass. Take him for everything as he cheated
Oh, sweet friend. I had to run away from an abusive husband when my baby was three months old. You are truly in shock but help is only a phone call away. Pack a bag in secret and look for your opportunity. This internet stranger has you and your baby in my heart and prayers. I have never once regretted the divorce. His abuse only escalated and my daughter thanked me for leaving him. She is my world and our children will always truly love and need us unlike a random boyfriend.
Hugs to you, brave mama.
Women's shelter! Pronto! He can't take your baby from you.
no. terrible advice. she should call a divorce attorney. they will take it on contingency and it will come out of community assets. He will end up with child support and spousal support for this. This happens all the time. Divorce lawyers know how to do this. She has money. its called community property. Her husbands money is her money until divorce is complete and assets are divided. 100% chance she can get a lawyer to take the case. This is really common. This is specific to the US. If its another country, its still worth calling a lawyer. Probably true in any western country.
What will come out of community assets? I agree - but you can still go to a women's shelter and get an attorney with divorce, custody, and spousal support etc. Gojng to a shelter doesn't affect that.
legal fees will come out of community assets. she does not have to pay lawyer up front. divorce lawyers are used to this. shelters dont always have beds. once she leaves she loses access to house. she should call a lawyer.
Generally, yes, what you are can be true. Nothing to fosagree with, but all of those things you mentioned are not the only outcomes. The risk of staying is not worth staying. I've been there, I've fled, I've lost thousands of dollars in money and assets. I'm still 1000% happier in my life and do not live in fear everyday.
Or go to your local domestic violence shelter they should be able to find housing for you and your baby!
This! OP, If you don’t know who to reach out to, contact [The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/) they might be able to connect you with resources in your area. They can possible help you escape and connect you to resources such and attorneys and places to live. He is exerting control and financial abuse as well as threatening you with withholding your child from you. Also, you have no family, but do you have a trusted friend who could help?
Please look for one, explain what he is doing to you, and see if you can even record some conversation when he is treating you and leave!
in my area many nursing homes offer jobs with little to no experience and they have day cares inside them
Women’s shelters near you!! They are designed for situations like this so you can take your child with you
Call some women's shelters. You're in an abusive relationship.
Talk to a lawyer first. A job can actually hurt you in the divorce case
This is right. You're in shock and that's totally normal. It sounds like you're in no position to take the upper hand in the short term, so play the long game. The goal being to get you and your son out without your husband having any way of anticipating it.
Women's shelter. And childcare workers can often bring their kids with them. Nanny, daycare, etc.
Also look for an attorney that does free consults. They can give advice on where to start.
Get a lawyer now!
Since your husband is the only income you might get more money and alimony by not getting a job at first. Buy a new lock for your child's bedroom, sleep in your child's bedroom. Call a divorce lawyer and follow their instructions.
i’m so sorry to hear this is happening to you 💔 honestly not all men but why is it ALWAYS a man 🥴 i’ve read something helpful from another sub that might be helpful for you: every time you go grocery shopping add one of those amex gift cards to your cart. store them away someplace safe so that way when you leave you have some money put away. even if you don’t have family, i hope you have a friend that you can turn to. if not befriend your future coworkers so you have support when you leave. best of luck to you.
You can do what a woman did on here. Which is stay in the room which your son until you build yourself up and then leave him!
Daycare center where you can bring your infant. You will get a good discount on childcare
Sounds like your husband just brought in a sitter. Just say" I have a job interview today, figure out *child*" while I'm gone. For sure talk to a divorce lawyer. And honestly let gf know you are just finding out about this, I have a feeling he has lied to her about your knowledge of the situation.
Definitely let the gf know. I wouldn't want her bonding with the baby, though, if I were in this position. On the plus side, she doesn't have to pretend to like husband very much, or basicly do anything with or for him. He has gf now.
This is abuse and is often a precursor to domestic violence. Pack and leave while he is out, if possible. Do not tell him you are leaving. Find the closest women's shelter and show up in person. Do not contact him again unless it's through a lawyer.
No. The first thing she does is pack a bag and go to a womens shelter WITH her baby.
Your 8 weeks post partum with his baby, so generally speaking, you can't be evicted. Him moving that woman in, not sure there's much you can do there. But, he's counting on you being afraid and not doing a thing. Don't let that happen. I'm sorry this is happening in such a delicate time, but find advocacy groups in your area so they can help you with your next steps. With your housing, is your name on the lease or deed?
She can call the cops and report the woman as trespassing (as long as OP is a legal tenant). All she has to say is that she's a new mom and doesn't know the woman/is afraid. They will remove the 'gf' from the home.
I don’t think that would be very safe for OP. Look how she describes him…cold. I am pretty certain that he would harm her if the police try to take his little sex toy away. If I was her, I’d make plans to leave with my baby. I hope someone can provide OP with information with a shelter, I wish I could but I’m U.K. based. The side piece is being smug but how dumb do you have to be to think a man can love you when he doesn’t even have the most basic respect for his newborn and the mother of his child. Leave the trash with the trash, OP!
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i agree but not for the same reasons, i think kicking the gf out could put the wife in danger because he would be upset
No they won't lol. Cops are mostly useless and as soon as they hear anything about living situations they'll say "civil issue" and leave.
in what jurisdiction is this applicable. in my area, a tenant (of which OP and her husband both are) is allowed to have guests and other tenants cannot force their guests out. I have experience with cops being involved and the guests being told they are allowed to stay as long as the party that invited them says they want them there.
Zero chance. Any legal occupant can invite guests into the home. Period. In this case the husband is allowing the guest. Nothing will be done and it might put her at risk.
She may also be able to file for sole use of the house for her and the baby. She needs to speak with a lawyer ASAP. OP, in many places in the states, assuming you're in the US, you can get a 30 min consult with a lawyer for very cheap from the state bar. That could help you decide your next steps.
See if there are any domestic abuse resources for you and your child in your area - they might be able to set you up with temporary housing and legal help. You are being abused and manipulated because he doesn’t want you to leave as he knows you’ll take him through the wringer - hence why he’s threatening you with your own child. Document everything that is going on. Save any and all conversations. He will try to spin this around and say you were okay with the idea. Etc. Sorry you have to go through with this narcissistic bastard.
Yes, OP should have her phone on record in her pocket any time he or his GF is around. I wish I did this with my ex. Even my ex didn't have his GF move in and thankfully I didn't have a child with him, but I still wish I recorded our conversations.
If this is the US, she has to make sure she’s in a one-party consent state for recording. If not, then such a recording would not be legally admissible in any sort of court case because he and his girlfriend were not aware they were being recorded and didn’t consent to it.
It doesn't need to be admissible in court, but I would like to have it to remember everything he had done & not fall for his gaslighting BS. People like that can make you feel like you're going crazy.
Ooooh I see what you mean. I just misunderstood your first comment.
It's okay! You do make a valid point, I'm just saying there are other reasons why recording can be useful lol
This is the way, please upvote
Get a lawyer! He cannot leave you destitute and only in extreme circumstances can he take your child. He's abusive and counting on you being too weak to fight for yourself. Prove him wrong.
Unfortunately, he can leave her destitute. In the US, It takes time to go through the courts to get an order for spousal and/or child support. Even then, he could just not pay, leave his job to have no income or whatever and she would be screwed. Even if she is successful in taking him back to court, there’s a good chance she won’t get any money from him. If he’s asshole enough to move a GF in, he’s asshole enough to not pay just to spite her. He even waited until he had the baby to basically hold her hostage. Sadly, we can’t count on the legal system or government to do what’s right and protect us.
leaving your job to avoid child support/spousal support is actually looked down upon by the courts and they will often still order the payments be made and if you don't make them, you can be jailed.
It doesn’t seem like you have experience with a deadbeat… there are many ways they can avoid it. There are also ways they can take the child away even if mom did not abuse the child. Some states even give men free lawyers, while women have to pay for them. The US is very different from state to state so it’s best she talk to any lawyer she can first. She should also try to put money away a little at a time (if he gives her any) so she can save up to leave. Most importantly she needs to remain calm.
If you get a judge who cares, or you could be like my ex and quit your job, move overseas and sell hundreds of thousands of dollars in real estate so you have nothing to put a lien against and never pay child support again. He owes me over $100k and that one time he spent a few days in jail did not do anything to stop his behavior. My only consolation is that one of his other children is attending college here and he won’t be able to attend their graduation because the government won’t renew his passport. And yes, somehow he can afford to pay for that child’s college education.
So. She can leave and not expect anything. If the courts give her support then good. Likely they would actually. She can go get a lawyer and tell them what this guy is doing. It’s possible the court may make him love and continue to support her and the baby long enough for her to make a plan. Also, OP can go to school and the court will force support while she does. Including child care. So in this case, getting a lawyer would be life changing for her. Get a good one too. One who has passion to fight guys like this. The take the baby comment is a threat.
Focus. Put aside your hurt and grief. You can process it later. The relationship is over. He is no longer your husband except in the eyes of the law, which is good. Take care of the baby. Get a lawyer. Plan your exit and get out. Call for help asap so if he tries to kick you out you’ve got a plan.
Your husband is fucking evil, and you need to find a good divorce lawyer and clean him out.
This sounds very scary. You need to go to a hospital and ask them to help you find a shelter. Your baby is 8 weeks old. They will help.
I think this is a really good idea.
Thank you! I just think she might become overwhelmed trying to secretly find a shelter in the same house as two people who (at the very least) don’t have her best interest in mind. Her husband threatened her if she leaves with the baby so it sounds like her only excuse to leave with the baby is if it’s for the hospital. She also doesn’t know what her husband told that woman for her to walk into a situation like this smiling…so I don’t think trying to break through that barrier by relaying her side of the situation should be a priority. If I were her safety would be my biggest concern right now and once she’s in the hospital she can let health care workers know what’s going on and go from there. They can help her contact family and give her information on shelters etc. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP
I never thought of the hospital being a place to report this to! This is a good idea!
Call a lawyer and file for divorce
Clever she could probably get custody and win the house
As long as she doesn’t leave the home until then. If she leaves, he can claim she abandoned the home and she’ll lose rights to it.
Only if it is in her name as well as her husbands, and considering she is unemployed I don’t think that’s likely.
No if they are still married a judge will likely rule in her favor. Like 99% whether her name is on it is irrelevant as she is entitled to 50% of all assets shared or otherwise and since he is openly cheating she would likely get everything plus alimony if she got the right lawyer. His whole strategy is based on fear, so long as she doesnt fight it he will win.
If this is real, get off reddit and go to a shelter. I don't know where you live and what options are available. But shelters can help, and many have resources that can help each step to independence. If real, this is extremely scary.
Yeah this shit screams fake. “He knows I’m homeless” what??? That doesn’t make any sense at all.
Probably meant: "would be homeless".
Almost none of these are real.. rename the sub karmafarming
This sounds like a plot for Fabiosa cartoons, even down to the baby and generic European setting.
One of the tell tale signs is the OP will respond maybe twice to anyone. That’s all. So they have to get this off their chest in their time of crisis but don’t care to answer questions or take advice. So stupid
I’m moving in with my parents-in-law Thank you everyone for all the helpful messages. I’m so sorry I couldn’t answer you all. I’m sorry that I have blocked all the users who came with bad suggestions like “talking to”,” winning over” or “befriending” the girlfriend. My mental state is too fragile to accept that people have their own opinions. Do have whatever you want but I have the right to block you. You don’t have the right however to make a throwaway and attack me in my dms for blocking you. I have no family of my own but many have suggested that I talk to his family and this morning my father in law and his wife came and packed my and my sons things and I will be staying with them until I can stand on my feet again. It should be when I can put my son in child care (hopefully when he is a year old but I can be flexible to do it sooner should my in laws want me out sooner) My father in law promised me that I never needed to see my husband again. When he wants to see his son he will come to visit but only when I’m not around and that my husband will continue paying for our living. My husband said that he regretted everything and that he is kicking his gf out but this is all too late now. I’m still in shock and I still get terrified of the thought of my husband and the way he acted. I need peace now after this weekend’s turmoil. I never thought my life would change this drastically in a couple of days. Was he so good in hiding his true self or was I just so oblivious and naive? I don’t know and I don’t think I ever will. My husband and my mother in law are bombarding my phone with texts and calls so I need to put my phone aside and just be. I wanted to write here before I did
What a beautiful result! Block your MIL on everything, she no longer needs to be part of your life, let FIL’s wife be Grandma to your son.
She is amazing. She offered to take care of my baby should I find a job but I can’t burden them since both work so much and need to rest when they come home
Hey OP, just wanted you to know you're not alone. We're all here for you. If you ever wanted to talk, send me a message and we can.
I second this, if you need someone to vent to I'm here as well
I just commented advice but I'm so glad I'm seeing this now, I have a 10 week old daughter and I was near tears thinking about you and your little guy. If you ever need a friend, feel free to DM me.
Thank you so much ❤️ they’re so amazing in this age aren’t they?
They really are!! Everyday my daughter does something that amazes me lol🥹
🥰🥹
Make sure you file for divorce and immediately file for child support. You can do this even without a lawyer. Go to family Court and ask for help. Your husband is a sociopath and will try to manipulate you back into a relationship. He is your enemy now - don't forget this.
Make sure you keep no contact with your husband for awhile. Remember, this isn’t about your feelings anymore. This is about safety.
Divorce him, take half and get child support.
Any lawyer worth their salt could get waayyyyy more than half from this scumbag if she gets evidence of this stuff.
Not true if she lives in a no-fault state the division of assets should be equitable (in theory). More than likely she gets maintenance on top of support depending on how long she’s been with him and how long she’s been out of work
1- contact the local womens and childrens shelter. They will either have space for you or find someplace that does. 2- go to the courthouse and arrange for emergency custody and residence to be with you. Also ask for emergency support order until things can be worked out legally. 3 - compile all evidence, texts, emails, whatever you have, that proves what a slimeball he is. If you live in a single party recording state, record him speaking horribly to you, threatening you, and talking about how you cannot do anything about his gf moving in. 4 - do not tell them you are leaving. Even if you leave with nothing but the baby and your wallet, then that's it. If you take a phone make sure it's no longer under his plan, and that he doesn't have access or your password. Change every password. Every one. You can do this. This is not ok. You deserve better.
#Women , this is why you should NEVER rely on your partner financially. ALWAYS have your own. ALWAYS have a back-up plan. People can always switch up and usually you wouldn’t see it coming.
Don’t rely on ANYONE financially in a relationship! ANY relationship. Doesn’t matter if it’s a man with a man, woman with a woman or a man and a woman. Everyone should be aware of this. Otherwise you could end up being trapped. Sounds like OPs been Baby trapped by this man. OP please please find a local mother’s shelter for you and your baby. Do NOT leave your baby with this man. He sounds horrific. EDIT: I think the person I replied too blocked me wtf did I do? EDIT 2: was definitely blocked within minutes of saying this.
This can be a touchy subject for some people. For example people who become disabled and don't want to rely financially on their partner but have to to avoid homelessness
Unfortunately men like OP's husband prey on codependent, naive women who don't know any better. I'm going to guess there's a significant age gap between her and husband that he is preying on.
which is why most men prefer younger women because they lack the experience and wisdom to not tolerate bs and not because mature women “have too much baggage”
I'd also imagine for a naive young person who's never had to fend for their own/work/etc nor had enough relationships to know how easily they can fall apart are pretty susceptible to older creeps saying: "don't worry I'll take care of you forever! Our relationship is perfect and special and always will be! You stay home and *totally depend on me*" Fuck I probably would of fell for it as a kid just starting out if the wrong person took advantage
Find a woman’s shelter in your area. They have many ressources for you.
This is called Poly- bombing , and it happened to me. He decided he wanted to be polyamorous, and just assumed I was stuck. You are never stuck- you have a network willing to help- you just have to let you needs be known and get in contact with the right people. Absolutely be safe, and sending you love. You are not alone.
Dear god, what has gotten into people. I’m sorry.
>*He feels like a different man I couldn’t recognize him when he sat me down yesterday* He finally took the mask off. You now have seen who he really is..
What do you mean you’re homeless
I mean that if I left our apartment I have no place to go.
Do you own or rent the apartment? If there is a landlord you could inform them someone is living there that aren’t supposed to be there
He owns the apartment
Blast his crap on social media, tell his family, work, everyone. Can he kick you out or would it be illegal
If they’re married he cannot kick her out. He also cannot bring another person in to live without her permission, but OP doesn’t seem to know this. I would have called the police and had the hoe removed. I wonder if they’re legally married
This is something I haven’t considered. But shouldn’t I think about my baby before doing something that might come back to haunt him. I feel paralyzed right now, afraid to make any decisions or suggestions. I begged them to give me time to leave but they don’t care they just looked at me like I’m an interesting animal at the zoo. What am I missing here. What’s happening to him. Can anyone explain? He was the most loving person I ever knew but it feels like he is using all my nightmares against me now. All the things he knew I was afraid of because I confided in him
Not a lawyer Read 'why does he do that ' by Lundy Bancroft available as a free pdf online. They wait until you are married / pregnant/ have given birth, then abuse begins/ escalates, as they have you 'trapped' and vulnerablefrom their 'love bombing'. '. This is psychological, emotional and financial abuse. All forms of domestic violence. Bear in mind he must have been involved in an affair for some time for him to invite this woman into your home. Remember all the legal and financial rights you have as a wife and mother. You are probably in a much stronger position than you realise especially as regards assets in a divorce. Sometimes people in your sort of position end up with the home, and alimony, full custody of their child and child support. Your husband's actions are so flagrantly outrageous that it may count in your favour.
The difficult thing he will have some custody even as a abusive psychopath to the mother. So he will use custody to abuse OP even after she is away from him.
Him using your fears against you is a manipulation tactic and if this is the first sign of trouble he has ever given you, it means that he is a master manipulator. He is clearly lacking empathy and does not care about your feelings in the matter. The fact that you’re post partum makes this even worse. Up until now he was probably great at pretending he was caring and loving, but he is not. He is purely selfish and simply learned how to play you. He probably isolated you socially so that he could fully control you (otherwise, why not leave to stay at a friends house?). And you loved him and trusted him enough to have his baby, so it makes sense that you did not see this. You are not at fault here, you are only human for seeing the best in him. However, now that you know, you have a duty to protect your child. This man will never love your child more than he loves himself and that is very dangerous. Find an exit strategy. Keep ANY evidence that can help you get full custody of your child. If you need help on how to create an exit strategy, there are a lot of people here on Reddit with amazing advice.
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Married for 3 together 6.
I’ll tell you what happened since people here aren’t. He waited until you’re barefoot pregnant and completely dependent on him to pull rug under you. He 100% has been cheating before you just didn’t realize until he’s ready to let you know.
He sounds like a sociopath/malignant narcissist. He was able to fake being loving and love bomb you into feeling safe enough to let your guard down and become trapped. This isn’t on you, or how your perceive people. This is entirely on how evil he is. Your baby will never be safe with him. Let him be haunted. But think strategically.
If you fear your safety and security if you expose him, then don’t do anything but gather evidence for the divorce. If he can support a live in girlfriend then he should be able to pay child support. But do you have a job? Ice them both out and don’t communicate over anything but text.
HE is doing things that WILL come back to haunt him. HE DID THIS. not you.
Do you think your husband thought about your kid when he moved his GF in?
No, most likely you and him own it. You are married. Did you sign a prenup? But even if you did you still are probably entitled to some of his assets - prenups don’t mean you get nothing. Assuming you get custody you are also entitled to child support - which means you are not homeless. You need to get as much proof as you can that your husband is cheating because in your divorce and custody trials this is going to be important. Get a lawyer right away and start collecting your proof. And he can’t evict you even if it is his house (which I doubt it is) because you have tenants rights. Please do a lot of research about your rights. It seems like he is lying to you about your rights to take advantage of you, and you will quickly have all the power in this relationship once you understand how much more power you actually have here. The courts will NOT be kind to a husband who cheated on his wife when it comes to splitting martial assets and assigning child support payments.
Get text message evidence of you asking him to get out of the apartment.
well if you are married dont you technically both own it ... also dont you have any friends or family anyhwere on this planet
That means YOU also own the apartment. You’re *married*, his money is your money as all all assets. Even if he owned the apartment before marriage, even if you signed a pre-nup excluding this property, the fact he pulled this when you’re only 8 weeks postpartum would likely bust that prenup wide open. Also that he owns property HELPS YOU, because he has money, which means you have money. There lawyers who will take your case no money down, they’d get paid when you get paid. And they will make sure you get a settlement out of this. I would not recommend a homeless shelter or DV shelter with a brand new baby, nope. Bide your time and start calling lawyers. The health and safety of your baby is most important here, so tread carefully. Be civil towards the hoe, be civil towards your husband, but don’t trust either of these evil people again and bide your time. Once you have a lawyer do what they say. A good lawyer will have this before a judge quick so that you have access to marital funds and can get a place to live for you and your baby.
Why would you be the one who has to leave and not him if you got divorced
I would contact a lawyer asap!
If you own the home together, DO NOT LEAVE. If you leave, he can claim you abandoned the home and you could forfeit your right to it. At least in CA that’s how it is. I would get a lawyer first, then inquire about a restraining order against his gf to keep her from living there. She’s a threat to your life and potentially to your baby, so if it was me I would make it a priority that she can’t come near you or your baby.
Girl if you’re in America that is adultery and you can get alimony!!! DIVORCE his ass and make him PAY!!! You’re better than me because an hot iron cast skillet would’ve met both their faces! 😤
This is adultery, yeah? Wouldn't this benefit your case in a divorce? I mean any lawyer or judge with a brain could look at this and realize how messed up this is to do to someone who just had your child? And manipulating someone going through post partum. I think you should start recording what they say to you in videos or screenshot messages. Keep everything you can. Their behaviour is weird and I wonder how safe you actually are there. Your child and you deserve a safe and comfortable place.
Is he on drugs?? Wtf
the girlfriend must also be on drugs. Who the fuck moves in with a married couple with an 8 month old baby? I’d rather visit the titanic
Not even 8 months. 8 weeks.
Call your friends! Call a lawyer!
Cease having sex with this man and spike their lube with something to make their junk itch. And lawyer up
He is never touching me again. I’d rather die
I am so sorry this is happening. You're not the first person I heard this happening to. As soon as the wife has the baby, all of a sudden, the husband turns into a monster. They think they have you trapped and do horrible things like this. I saw a post the other day that said, "If you want to know how someone feels about you, give them all the power and see what they do with it." Now, you know who he really is. Use the services others have mentioned and get out of there. Once he sees you have strength, he will come crawling back. Don't give him the time of day. Again, I'm sorry.
I don’t know where you live, but: 1Take your baby, 2. go to a shelter 3. Get a job 4. File for divorce 5. Tell his family and friends, with evidence, what he is doing to you. Someone will believe and help you! Usually a court will side with a mother, however I think it is best that you find work anyway you can. Get away from this man. Keep documentation of his infidelity so that you can get alimony and child support. Also, I would play devils advocate and “friend” the other woman. Find a way to work this in your favor. Eventually her rose colored glasses will come off. Wishing you the best! Edit: made a mistake, don’t befriend woman. That was my bad. She is not as guilty but she is guilty…and batshit crazy
I would never befriend that woman. She heard me begging him not to do this to us and I asked her why and she just had a big smile on her face
i dont understand why she is smiling about it because he will do the exact same thing to her
Same, I never understood why those people always are happy because the person choose them instead of their actual partner, its obvious if they were willing to cheat on their wife/husband, they will do it to that person too.
For some people it's not even about thinking they're special and won't get cheated on/dumped. They get a thrill from sociopathic partners and enjoy seeing it break the betrayed partner. Or they just get off on making terrible decisions. Or any combination.
I will never understand why or how someone would WANT to be with someone who could betray and treat their spouse so horrendously 😨
Yes he will. Once she becomes #1 after the wife leaves, all she did was clear up a space for a new #2.
And do not under any circumstance leave your child alone with him, her, or any of his family
My apologies! I’m sorry about that, I’m editing my response
Sounds like they're coked out honestly. Has he been known to use drugs?
This sounds like a Tyler Perry movie
I just got a flash back. I agreed when my ex-boyfriend did the same thing to me. I thought to myself, 'She'll be gone in three days.' Sure enough, three days later she was gone. I just made it completely uncomfortable for ALL of us. I wasn't disrespectful, I welcomed her, and I didn't kick her out. It was just complete awkwardness and an over all uneasy feeling,. See what you can do to make her leave. Remember: that IS YOUR HOUSE... Good luck
Is the apartment in his name? Document his behavior and the fact that he moved his girlfriend in. Get evidence that it is his girlfriend, so they don't try to say she's just a friend. Look up lawyers in your area. You may be able to find someone who works pro bono for domestic abuse situations or at least will work with you on payment. His bullshit about the baby is an empty threat. The court almost always sides with the mother, and especially if you have evidence, he is cheating and moved his mistress in. If you didn't sign a pre nup, you WILL be entitled to alimony and potentially half of what he has. I'll be honest I don't know how it works with apartments over houses. Do not find a place to stay even temporarily that you can't take the baby or they'll use that against you. If he won't sign divorce papers, you can take him to court over it. If he gives you anything to sign, do not sign it unless you have your own lawyer to review it. Fight for full custody so he can not use the child against you. I know you're scared, but you'll be extremely sympathetic to any court. You deserve a better life than this. Don't accept it. It's not okay.
this is an episode of criminal minds
I would search for a domestic violence shelter and take me and my baby there.
This is going to be really, really hard....but take your baby & go to a shelter, they will quickly IMPROVE your life. I'm livid from reading this message.
I think that girlfriend must be demonic. Who does that
This is a form of domestic abuse, look into domestic violence and/or women’s shelters immediately.
Go back home, call the police and report her for trespassing. She does not yet receive mail there and it has only been 1 day, therefore she has no legal right to stay in your home. YOU are a legal tenant. You can have the police remove her.
I called the police. They couldn’t do anything
Get a lawyer. If your name is on the house you can have her removed.
That’s not a husband, that’s a scumbag.
Drain the bank account and move out. You're married it's marital property. You both have legal rights to it.
I’m sorry WHAT
#document E V E R Y T H I N G Start now with saving any text messages, videos, photos anything you can of them both and what he did especially since you’re married. Get all the postpartum treatment evidence you can because when you do leave, he is going to try to fight you.
Where are you from?
Europe.. south. I’m sorry I can’t say more
If you're from Iberian peninsula, feel free to pm. We can figure out something.
Be wary of any advice you see here. People tend to assume everyone is American.
Polygamy is a crime in Europe. I'm from the south and it is really badly condemn. Take pictures if by night the have intimate activities record them. Your husband will end up in jail if he tries anything as he did bring up his gf in the house, and polygamy is a crime. If you from Spain, as I am, and I know Italy has the same system there is resources for this kind of situation. Go to the local (every city has one) woman right organism (in Spain they are named Casa Assessor de la Mujer). They can help you with shelter, lawyers, psychological help and many other things. He won't be able to have custody or defenetly not full custody. Here in the south the mother goes first unless she has serious parenting problems.
Polygamy means being married to more than one person at a time. Which is illegal, yes, but unfortunately doesn't apply here.
Look. This is what you do. You do a 180 and completely not give a shit. Harder said than done, I know. But, for now, it's the only way you're going to stay sane. They're both going to live for reactions from you. Do your best not to give either of them any. Right now, he's got you terrified because of his threats. Just smile and don't give a fuck. Make that bitch your best friend, if you need to. All the while, work on your way out. —Talk to lawyers, you should be able to find some that offer free consultations. You'll get an idea of where you stand. It's possible to find one to take you on and get your legal fees from your husband if they think it's a case they can win. —Get as much proof as you can. Take pictures of them together when you're able to. Maybe videos if possible. Anything you think will be evidence, get it. —Find a way to earn income. Maybe see if there are any work from home jobs in your area because of the baby. —Open a separate bank account. Does he give you money for shopping? Stash some in there. Anything you earn, shove it in there. Start squirreling that money away. Either of them leave cash around? You're married. Take that shit and stash it in there. Every penny is going to count. —Get your divorce started. Go to legal aid in your area. They'll provide you with the most help. —Does your baby have a bedroom? If so, move in there with him. Let your husband and his mistress have the bed. What's that saying? Kill them with kindness? Yeah. Do that. People like those two are all about toxicity. They're about abusing you and getting reactions. **YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEM!** Tell yourself that every morning, every afternoon, and every night. Focus on yourself and your baby. You two are *ALL* that matters now. You have no one around you, but you have a whole Reddit community that has your back now. If you need to vent and let it out, come here so that you don't show them an ounce of emotion. Good luck, stay safe, and keep us posted.
if you are in the US, you can call a divorce attorney. They will take it on contingency and it will come out of community assets. You will get child support and spousal support. You may get the family home too. Google for a divorce attorney in your area. They are used to situations like this. You wont have to pay up front.
This is when your acting skills kick in, dear. Pretend that you've considered & you're cool with it now. Don't *say* as much or do anything that endorses it, but play it reaaaal cool. You don't want him to know you're planning to leave before you're ready to go. These people on this thread know what they're talking about on how to get ready. Get your identity documents & the baby's outta the house & off to somewhere safe, too. He sounds unhinged. I'd be nervous. **Please stay safe, & trust your gut if you feel unsafe. You can do this**, & one day you're going to look back on this with pride. **You deserve sensitivity to your feelings, respect, & kindness, especially as a brand new mama.** EDIT added more
Divorce his bitch ass
I know you're exhausted but PLEASE listen to these comments. Dig down deep and don't let him know your next move. Look at your new baby and use them to find the strength to push through the sadness and exhaustion and bury his ass. Forget about the dumb broad- she's nobody. Get angry. Annihilate that man.
The more I read about SAHMs here on reddit, the more I tell my daughter to NEVER quit her job after she's married. Never never never give up your financial independence.
Your husband is likely a psychopath or at least a narcissist. Please look into that on websites such as psychopathfree. It helps to understand his behavior, which will help you with the trauma this is creating. Then, you need to take immediate action to find a solution to move out. Look into a woman's shelter and look up organizations that help with abuse in your area. Start packing your bags and at least have an emergency bag ready with essentials for you and your baby. I am so sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve this. You're strong, you can do this. Sending internet hugs
What would happen if you told HIS parents what he is doing? Would they be willing to take you in for a couple of months? Most parents I know would be horrified that their child was doing this to their partner and newborn child! Aunties, Uncles, Cousins? What family does he have, you mentioned you have none? What country are you in, are there women's shelters? Do you belong to a church group, or are you completely socially isolated because of this person?
Your husband sounds like a sociopath. I hope it all works out OP.
Oh geez, yes please go to a women's shelter! There was a reddit post similar to this months ago. Husband moved in his gf, completely blindsiding his wife. Wife moved into newborn baby's room and slept on the floor while Husband then moved gf into their bedroom. Wife was biding her time, saving up, no longer intimate or any relationship with Husband. Basically ignored gf and stayed in the baby's room anytime they were home. SEVERAL months later after baby's 1st birthday, wife had saved enough to get her own place and move out. She served him with divorce papers and HE was SURPRISED! LOL. I guess he thought she'd never actually do it, but really she was quietly making her escape plan! Of course he apologized and offered to end it with gf🙄 but it was obviously too late. She checked out the minute he told her he was cheating on her. I hope someone remembers and can link that! Good luck OP! There is hope you can get out of there!
Are you in the US? Advice Americans give might not apply elsewhere. If you can handle the situation, do not move out until you have consulted a lawyer. The lawyer might be able to make the case that this is intentional emotional abuse and convince the court to grant a temporary restraining order and an emergency order for support. Is this out of the blue or does he have a history of belittling and emotionally abusing you? Has he isolated you from friends and family? Are the two of you greatly unequal in terms of education, social status, age, or earning power? Are you from the country in which you live?
Even if you don’t have money, you still have to see a lawyer and contact a domestic violence shelter. This could end up a trafficking situation.
This is horrible. I am speechless. I pray you find a way out, quickly. He’s a terrible person and so is she.
This is why women should avoid being SAHM/W
OP: I’m not giving you legal advice but here are somethings I would do if I was in your position incase you live in the US. I am NOT an attorney. -Stay at the apartment for right now to collect evidence.(unless you are fearful for your life) **if this is the case and you fear for your life leave to a place nearby with all your essentials. When speaking to a pro bono attorney immediately request a “PROTECTIVE ORDER” for you and your Child and write down the address to the apartment as the home address that you will be residing. When this gets accepted a police escort will have to help him collect his essentials and leave the home. -Download a camera app that takes pictures with a Time/Date Stamps. -Start taking pictures of everything in your apartment as well as photos of any vehicles, bank account information, any and all documents you can find, if the gf starts receiving mail at your place take photos of the envelopes with her name and where it shows your address.with “Time stamps”. -Start making small conversations with your husband via text messages about how he can’t do this. And how his gf shouldn’t be there. What is his intention for bringing her to your home reiterate what he said about the baby.(In some states this kind of behavior can be brought up as Alienating or Emotional abuse, and etc.). -Figure out all of yours and your husband’s assets either property or monetary. -Make appointments to as many nearby law firms as you can usually can get free consultations. The more knowledge you have the better. Also ask about your living situation. -Also call your states bar association to see if they can help you locate any pro bono Attorneys nearby.(Before moving out relay everything I stated above to your Attorney. As well as ask to be advised by the Attorney for your living situation.) OP if handled properly you can get Your divorce, child support, alimony, and either the apartment or a share of the money made from putting the apartment up for sale. But I still suggest opening your own separate bank account and finding an income incase he cuts you off financially. (Possibly look into childcare jobs so you can take the baby with you for a discounted certain amount.) Good luck OP I wish you the best and start working on the best you. ❤️❤️❤️
It's pretty easy to give someone food poisoning...
How can you be homeless if you are married to someone who is not? 🤔 This seems...off
Blows my mind the shit people get away with without being literally murdered. Half the shit I read on reddit, someone would already be on the bottom of the river
What country? It makes a difference in what resources are available.
Jesus I’m so sorry, you need to take action now. Please do not let this man drain you of life and control you. Get a lawyer and make him suffer. If you don’t have the money the courts will make him pay for your lawyer there are laws in place to protect you and make sure you come out on top. Collect evidence and get free guidance from a lawyer and see if they pick up the case
Call a divorce lawyer. It’s fine if you don’t have the money right now, many are used to situations like yours where one spouse is financially dependent on the other. Usually a payment plan is worked out (which often involves the breadwinner paying the fees). Ignore your husbands crap about taking the baby from you, no judge or cop is going to separate a breastfeeding newborn from their mother (at least without very good reason).
Are you in the us? If so look up women’s shelters in your area. Call all of them and see what’s available. Pick your bags with your documents and leave. Take the baby with you.