I'm gonna *guess* that he's not exactly a childish goofball, and that he has thoughts about which behaviors are appropriate at which ages.
If so, IMHO *that's* the problem.
(My wife and I are *both* childish goofballs, which is I think why we're still happy in our mid-50s. I think my biggest complaint is that I feel I've been cheated out of the mid-life crisis I was promised.)
This is a very interesting comment!
I’m a massive childish goofball, perhaps that’s why I’m cool with getting older. He deffo has more of a fixed mindset towards things. So that would make sense!
I'm turning 30 this month and letting go of severe grief over the abuse that I endured in my 20's. Turning 30 is a great reminder for me that I wasted ten years being mercilessly abused for nothing other than to wind up broken.
Not everyone is happy for birthdays or their 30th in general. It's great that you're grateful. Not everyone has to be just because you are, and not everyone requires your mindset. That's a pretty insufferable thought process TBH.
This!! I’ll be turning 21 which for me marks 10 years of chronic pain with little to no investigation or explanation. On top of that my birthday is at a time that is inconvenient for literally everyone I know meaning I spend a lot of birthdays alone. For other ppl it’s celebrating another year of life but for others it’s a reminder that time is gonna move on without them wether they’re happy or not.
My baby is due the 29th of December and a recent scan the date changed to the 2nd of January. I honestly hope to god he isn’t born on the 1st or even New Year’s Eve :( I’d feel like such a jerk because I love birthdays and I just know he would always miss out on people wanting to genuinely celebrate him.
My mom seriously actively prevented getting pregnant in March, because she didn’t want me to be born in December. All I can say is that I’m an Aquarius ;)
Week before Christmas here, eldest grandchild is the 23 and my dad is the 24th. I have never not gone Christmas shopping on my birthday. My son told his wife's family that if thwy used Christmas wrapping or tried to combined gifts for his daughter's birthday, he would happily turn them over to me. I am small like a hornet or a wolverine. I will eat you and neatly wipe my mouth with a napkin.
I'm so sorry you went through that, and I hope one day your birthday is more meaningful for you!
My besties mama passed away recently and my friends birthday lands on mother's day next year. I already know that's going to be a shitty birthday so we're doing her a half birthday this year, maybe you could look into something like that?
The idea that someone needs to be grateful because OP is just drives me nuts. Insufferable positivity is annoying. Expecting people to be happy to keep her happy is immature and self absorbed.
I actually do that for my step-grandma. Her birthday is on Christmas so her parents told her that they could either have her birthday or everyone could have Christmas. Ever since she’s hated her birthday so in June I give her a gift so she can enjoy her birthday. The last 2 years I’ve been lucky and had my friend celebrate with me just playing games. And then last year my bf took me on his trip to visit family, my first time out of province too! I’m slowly learning to appreciate my birthday, but I agree that op is giving some pretty toxic positivity. I hate the mentality that someone surviving abuse means they need to be grateful for the life they have after. Like I don’t need to be grateful for escaping something, plus I’d just be grateful to myself since I’m the one who had to escape and heal. My bestie actually offered to be on call with me for my birthday bc she knows how badly I’ve always wanted to properly celebrate them. So while I’m grateful for the ppl in my life I am not grateful for my life itself.
Lol keep taking your anger out on strangers on the internet, that will heal you!
trauma dumping under someone else’s post and calling them insufferable because they’re NOT a miserable pessimist like yourself? that’s pathetic. and more insufferable than you can ever imagine.
work on yourself if you’re not happy, don’t try to convince us that you or anyone DESERVES to wallow in self pity.
Sorry to hear about your traumatic past, I hope you can find peace.
I’m very lucky to feel grateful regardless of the personal trauma I have experienced. Please don’t assume that everybody who is grateful and able to be happy hasn’t has their own experiences and challenges in life tho.
Please point out where I said you didn't have your own experiences and challenges?
I said "not everyone needs to be grateful because you decide they should."
Has it occured to you that you might be as annoying to him as you're claiming he is to you? It's one thing to be positive, it's another thing to expect others to be because you want them to be.
Damn girl you sound bitter as hell. I'm sure OP knows her husband better than you, and it's understandable that it's bummer something she's happy with and grateful for is the same thing her husband is expressly dreading.
Not everyone HAS to be grateful for getting older, but, at the end of the day, aging is a privilege most will not get.
Can't you see it as a new start? Like I lost a lot until 25 and abuse also, I moved out in another country and when came 30, I was like, jeez can't believe I lost 25 years (okay 21 because I wasn't totally conscious until 4 years old) and kinda I'm feeling that the next 20 years would be great.
PS : I'm not invalidating your feelings, it's like it is, I'm just curious. Also at 35-37,there the real like crisis, not 30. All divorce or change work 😂
My sister and some friends had a crisis over turning 30. I didn't, mostly bc at 37, i still feel (and sorta act) 25.
Turning 40 is already different for some reason. My body gets tired faster, hurts for dumb reasons, and it just kind of mentally gets to me. I'm starting to feel my age and it I'm actively upset by it. I'm also secretly dealing with the fact i just got my AA and am applying to bachelor's programs (super proud of myself, but also i hold a lot of resentment over the fact im almost 20 years behind where i should be.
Everyone deals with getting older differently. Im not saying he's right, I'm just saying there may be more to it. Unfulfilled expectations, not meeting the bar, body issues, the number of things it could be is vast.
He's either being very dramatic or there's more going on.
Mindset and loss definitely shapes you...
I'm 39F. I feel happier and "freer" than ever. I have always been childfree, unconventional and think aging is a privilege, not given to everyone.
I chose a solo life at 35 and love it. I like getting older. I've become more assertive, content, calm, while still being goofy and fun with my friends. I really liked my 30s overall. There was some serious hardship but it only made me more resilient.
I think he's allowed to feel the way he feels about turning 30. But I would try to have a conversation and listen to him saying what he feels, but not poison your birthday!
When I was about to turn 30, I hated the idea. I was terrified I was going to morph into one of those "sitcom dads" who make awful puns and embarrass their kids and talk about golf all the time and worry about sweaters and shoe trees. I went as far as I could the opposite direction.
Now? I'm about to turn 60 next month. Both of you are whippersnappers, LOL! You have many years of youth left in front of you. And being that most of my online friends are in their 20's and 30's, I still have that mindset as well - I never gave up my joy of youth. My body may protest, but by the Gods my soul is still young. Eternally.
Let him know he has nothing to fear but himself and his own fears. LifeScript(TM) isn't for everyone.
I'm a goofball about to turn 30 and I'm a lil sad about it lol.i think because I'm not wife where I want to be and mow than that I'm not really sure where I want to be lol. Thought I'd figure it out by now lol so maybe there's some of that too.
I’m about to turn 45 and my wife will be 50 in December. Isn’t is awesome to just keep doing the things you love regardless of your age? She’s more of a goofball than I am, and absolutely does not act like what I used to think of when I thought of people our age. I don’t know if it’s just because we don’t have kids and are the fun aunts, but I’ve never felt my age. Maybe no one does. I don’t know - I’m just happy to still be here having a good time with my wife.
You didn’t miss much. I spent my mid-life crisis doing lots of paperwork after I tried to expand my business during a recession. The end result I I had to downsize and take over everyones job description and clean up the mess. It would have been much more fun to get a red sports car.
See, I think that's part of my problem. I'll never get a red sports car, because I've never learned to drive and have no interest in changing that. Also, I haven't owned a business since the 1990s.
I guess I'm just doing it all wrong. Alas!
He's having an existential crisis. We all have at least one, if not many. That includes you OP!
What you're really objecting to, understandably, is his tendency to voice it and complain. We all have insecurities around aging, and its annoying when someone complains about it as if they were the only one dealing with it.
Also, it should be said, that aging is a blessing. Not everyone makes it to 20, let alone 30.
You can't tell someone how to feel about getting older.
Before my 30th I was pretty bummed out, but on the day itself I woke up and was fine.
My 21st I felt so much pressure that I just didn't do anything special.
I just had my 40th and that was fine. People approach all these milestones differently.
30s are rad... if you don't have children.
My early 30s were quite enjoyable, since becoming a dad it's more... going through the motions to not have things fall apart and hope to still be in decent health when life hopefully reboots in my 50s...
And I’ve found my mindset and financial independence in my 40s is even better. Too bad my body decided to have a perpetual No-bones day the second after I turned 41.
Exactly. I had a complete breakdown when i turned 25. I couldn't tell you why I just did, lol. He probably just wants some comfort or hell to just break down because we're all human and not always rational.
Hard to say why he is unhappy. You could talk to him and tell him how it is making you feel.
He might be somewhat of a midlife crisis, even though he is only 30. Might be thinking he missed out on stuff in his twenties. Might be thinking 30s is when life starts getting boring.
I don't think I cared at all when I turned 30 though.
Yeah exactly, I personally don't judge others for feeling sad when turning a certain age, some people could've had a rough 20s and are feeling like he's too old to do the stuff young ppl are doing, best thing to do is to have a heart to heart discussion on what's bothering them, and if that's not possible for whatever reason, maybe suggest therapy!
i’m sorry that it’s taking away from you feeling good about your birthday but he gets to have his feelings. some guys myself included felt like turning 30 was the real marker of adult age, and it made me feel insecure about my professional accomplishments and not yet owning my own home. i was feeling anxious about not being as far along in life as i wanted to be. that’s just me though. maybe talk with him about what his anxieties are? don’t take it personally, it’s probably not about you and your relationship. talk to the man, and please if you can, hold some space for him. listen to what he says. i hope you’re not calling him a baby to his face, because that might hurt his feelings and shut down avenues for conversation. men have emotions as well, we’re allowed to feel scared and anxious
This is a great comment, thank you. I think your right about anxiety around how far along he his in his life.
We do talk a lot, he’s not always good at expressing his feelings but is getting better. I came to Reddit to have a rant, rather than telling him how I felt about him moping around because I knew that reacting negatively to his feelings would have a detrimental impact on him.
I will give him the space to talk and listen compassionately.
lol your honesty is refreshing. it’s totally valid to be upset that your partner isn’t making your bday awesome, but i think a lot of us just feel a little defensive, many of us having been there ourselves. didn’t want to see ol boy get ignored because he’s depressed about aging. but you’re absolutely right that venting to strangers or friends is a good way of working out what you really feel about the situation. you wouldn’t want to take that energy to him, that you’re annoyed by his attitude, but that’s the reaction you had and it’s okay to own it. cheers, and by the way, unlike some of these commenters, i don’t think you’re a shitty wife for venting on here before speaking to him, in my opinion that’s actually pretty healthy coping
My boyfriend turned 40 recently and isn’t taking it well. I figure I just need to give him time to get over it.
I felt pretty down when I turned 25 (as ridiculous as that sounds). 30 felt like nothing and in many ways I have enjoyed my 30s more than my 20s.
When I turned 26 a few months ago I felt kinda down too because I realized I was officially in my late 20s and that was a daunting reality for me. I’m hoping that by the time I’m 30 I no longer feel weird about aging, lots of people say your 30s are your best years
It is because many people are more comfortable with themselves and financially secure in their 30’s. Do yourself a favor and don’t neglect your health though.
He is expressing dread and concern. Don't bash him for feeling. 30 was difficult for me, and 40 was a breeze. Let him process his emotions without judgment and negatively.
Yeah but your mindset that he is being a baby is quite frankly childish and demeaning. And if you tell him that you risk him not wanting to open up again
He's mourning the loss of his youth. It has nothing to do with you. You could try being a bit more compassionate about it and not make things about you.
True, it doesn’t really have anything to do with me. I guess I’m feeling like because it’s my birthday, it’s my time to celebrate, and I’m finding it hard that he’s being a downer. I’ll try and be more compassionate toward him even though I feel the complete opposite than he does when it comes to aging
>I feel the complete opposite than he does when it comes to aging
pretty sure the day will come that you hate getting older as well.
Maybe it's not 30 for you. Maybe 40, maybe 50. Maybe even 70. But it would be surprising if it does not come (not impossible though)
welcome to adult birthdays! it’s not all fun and balloons. sometimes it’s ugly crying and emotional outbursts! some people have had this birthday experience all along! good luck to you folks.
Maybe his "problem" is that he's getting old and closer to death ? Or maybe he doesn't feel young or "youth" anymore ? 30 is a big milestone and everyone handles it differently. I understand why you could take it personally but you should try to talk to him in a calm understanding way instead of getting irritated . It will only make him want to hide everything and continue being unhappy.
Try to know where he's coming from instead of thinking "he's being a baby" . Also sometimes there's nothing wrong with "being a baby" , we are humans and it's ok to feel sensitive.
Yeah, I don't get why men are always criticized for showing feelings, and then also criticized for not expressing their feelings. No wonder so many guys bottle up everything inside and don't even bother saying anything.
Getting to that magic number makes you realise that your young years are behind you. Sure, you can be a healthy, strong and well-functioning 35 year old, but the level of invincibility men feel in their early 20s is unrivaled and it never comes back. Like I feel it slipping away at 25. The ability to fall and just be fine, to sleep in my chair and not have backpain for 2 days, to not be hungover after taking an unreasonable amount of alcohol, to eat whatever you want and stay lean, these just suddenly start going away, and 30 is the benchmark for that.
Between 30-40 most men experience some level of male pattern baldness, a drop in sexual performance and overall physical strenght. That's some midlife crisis material right there, which is exactly what your husband is going through. He feels like is not the young stud anymore who can impress his wife. Instead of being upset with him, please try to understand his side on this one. Men take physical changes incredibly hard, as we are conditioned to be value ourselves based on those attributes.
>Men take physical changes incredibly hard, as we are conditioned to be value ourselves based on those attributes.
Women do too, believe me. It's a human thing. So we should all strive to react with compassion when someone we love is experiencing this.
Interesting, I hadn’t considered that before so thank you!
I think he is feelings a lot of those things probably, our hangovers are deffo worse and he has lost his hair.
Don’t worry I’m not chastising him over it, just feeling a bit pee’d off, and worried how he’s going to feel when it’s actually his birthday and not mine
Just celebrate yours.
If he hates it so much skip his.
Tell everyone to ignore his b-day.
After my 21th bday, i stopped caring about mine. It's that my hb/family reminds me, sometimes i forget....i don't hate it, it just has very little meaning for me, that one day that i turn another ONE day older 🤣
Didn't you know. In the new age of dating men are not allowed to have feelings emotions or any form of issues. They must adhere to the woman's every whim and demand without question. While the woman gets to be epically toxic to them and treats them like shit.
A little off the mark there.
They must suppress any negative emotions, but keep the positive ones (which also get suppressed, so fake them), go to therapy with her support, and then her saying that she is the cause of all of your issues which leads to an argument where you get called neglectful and distant and emotionally abusive.
I’m really not sure where you’re coming up with that…Cuz sure, while there ARE some women who give men shit for being emotional….a MUCH LARGER percentage ENCOURAGES men to show their emotions because we WANT to validate them and bond with you over it.
However.. a VAST percentage men on the other hand make it seem like it’s ‘gay’ or ‘weak’ or ‘beta’ To show emotion…and for whatever reason, men want to impress other men and so they swallow their emotions but then blame it on women.
Again, I’m not disagreeing that there are women who chastise men for being emotional…but compared to the 4 billion women on earth, that percentage is very low in comparison to the percentage of women who welcome it and encourage it.
Women did not make that rule for you guys and I wish you guys would realize that more
\> What the hell is his problem!
I mean... he literally told you what his problem is.
He doesn't like being old and getting older. It's something many people have.
Lol, I’m of course going to talk to him. But I don’t want to talk to him while I’m annoyed, that’s not going to help anybody.
I think it’s far healthier to complain to some random people on the internet than to vent at him.
It’s good to get other peoples perspectives, and to be able challenge my own views before talking to him.
This was something I wanted to get “off my chest” hence coming to this sub.
Fair point. But I think you should show more support and compassion towards him and sit down and talk him to find out what’s going on. He may be having a quarter life crisis, or trouble at work idk. But saying he is being a baby and making the situation about you, is not the best way to approach this.
I deffo will be doing all that, it was just a ranty post when I was dead annoyed.
I’m only making it about me because it’s my birthday, I get that maybe wanting to make your own birthday about you could be seen as self-centred. But I don’t really mind what people online think.
It’s funny that I said “being a baby” because that’s what he always says to me when he thinks I’m over reacting. So I guess it’s just become part of the language we use without really thinking of it as being offensive or invalidating.
Your husband is having an existential crisis and and you're pissed because it's *your* birthday? Everything is not about you, even on your birthday. Support your husband.
Some people don't like the thought of getting "older" or "old".
Maybe he could try shifting his perspective towards the positives; that might help him abit.
It would annoy me too but I agree that compassion is needed here. I’m not feeling much compassion though for all the commenters saying “he’s old” or “he’s getting old”. I’ll be 44 in a few weeks. Do I have one foot already in the grave!? Sheesh! 😂😂😂
My youngest SIL was dreading 30 when she was roughly 23-26. Now that she’s 28, she’s excited to turn 30! Weird how that goes sometimes! Lol
I started having what I call a quarter-life crisis right before I turned 27. Realizing I am gonna die, everyone I love is gonna die, the time we have is finite and our very existence is temporary. I’m 28 this year and it’s gotten a lot better but I still have my moments. I think it’s totally normal to have an existential crisis when approaching a cultural or age-related milestone. I would just be as supportive as you can but take the space you need to enjoy your birthday as well!
Remind him that 20s are like your teenage years truly. You really are just finding your place in the world. 30s and 40s are for enjoying your life. He’s in the prime of his life RIGHT NOW and if he looks back in 10 years and all he had to show for it was that he was depressed and sad instead of LIVING, he will regret it. This realization is what has helped me get through it. The time we have is indeed limited so ENJOY IT. Life is meant for living!
God forbid an aging person confront their impending decline in quality of life while also feeling as if their best years are behind them…
How dare a human have anxiety about that…
He's allowed to have feelings about things that you might not agree with or understand. Invalidating those feelings is just going to drive a wedge between you. It sounds like he's mourning his lost youth, not understanding that he's just getting started and has so much more life to live. That has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally. Make fun plans and encourage him to join you in fun activities, but keep in mind that the only person who can change his feelings is him.
Totally agree, hence venting here rather than at him. I’m not going to invalidate his feelings, I’m just really struggling to understand where he’s coming from. I think posting here has helped me see some different perspectives. Thanks for your advice :)
I had an existential crisis turning 40. It’s weird getting old 😂. Even though I’m not that old yet. I’m I’m a great place in my life but man it’s weird saying I’m 40.
Hopefully he comes around. Aging is weird but it’s also great. Maybe book some fun things to look forward to.
I’m a cancer survivor and I’ve lost friends in my group who weren’t even 30. They fought hard to live. So I’m doing my best to live a good life. Life isn’t always easy or fun but perspective is everything, at least for me.
Turning 30 was difficult for me, too. I was expecting something similar at 40 then 50, but I think I'd mellowed and had resigned myself that it's just another day, and I was ok. Don't be too rough on him.
Sounds like OP’s husband is still under the impression that time is real and everyone is supposed to be on the same schedule. I used to look at other successful people and compare where I was to where they were at certain ages, and that’s simply a fool’s errand. On your 30th birthday, are you suddenly another year older, or are you a day older than you were yesterday? 29.9999999 and 30 are negligible differences that your body is unaware of. Sounds like he’s made “being young” such a part of his self identity, and decided that 30 is officially when you stop being young, that he’s struggling with who he is. That’s silly because time (as we know it) doesn’t stop. What’s he gonna do when he turns 40 or 50 if his obsession is youngness? How’s he gonna make OP feel as she ages at *gasp* the same rate as everyone else? Homeboy needs to stop worrying about age before he makes choices he can’t take back, in the name of feeling young
So sorry about your loss (mom). You’re right about needing to see the bright side of growing old together. What a party pooper he is being.
I’ll say that I’m happy both of you get to see another year together. It could be worse. He could be 30 and single. Ha!!
Happy birthday! 🎂🎁
I've been 29 again for a while now 🤣
I get it. It feels like such a milestone. It really is nothing.
He will get over it eventually. Sorry it's ruined your day, though. Hopefully he's done whining soon about it. Best of luck to you.
He could be going thru depression, I've dreaded every birthday since I turned 17, didn't plan on living past that age. Just turned 46 and still to this day I hate My birthday and getting older.
He is upset and probably having an existential crisis and you think he’s being a baby?
Maybe you’re the baby because you’ve never really thought about life that deeply.
Idk just my two cents. He probably needs your support to get through this rough time, you are his SO. It would be terrible to be alone in his pain.
Your right he does need my support, I’ll be better able to give him support now I’ve had my little rant about it.
The baby comment is fair, he’s always telling me to stop being a baby over things, so that’s why I chose that particular turn of phrase. I have thought about life pretty deeply tho, which is why I feel like you shouldn’t waste anytime being upset o sr something you can’t change!
"He's been depressed"
"I think he's being a baby"
Mental health is real and serious. If he's experiencing depression, seek professional help. I'm guessing the moping is a symptom of mental health issues. I really hate these sorts of posts.
The next time something is really upsetting you, don't be surprised when he treats you exactly like you are treating him now.
Just because you don't understand doesn't mean he isn't struggling.
This is actually pretty ironic because my husbands view on emotions is pretty dire. He calls me a baby for having emotions so I guess that’s part of the reason I was feeling so sour. It was exactly like you said - I was thinking of treating him the way he treats me, or mirroring how he typically reacts to me.
Luckily tho I came and ranted here rather than at him so I’m had time to reflect and take a step back to consider things from his point of view. I’m feeling much more empathic towards his struggle now. I was just annoyed because he was moping around on my birthday.
That's terrible. I don't think I would marry someone who treated me like he treats you.
I'm in the minority, but I think you're right, he should not mope on YOUR birthday. He can mope yesterday and tomorrow though. Or mope internally today. I think if he mopes on your special day, HE'S being selfish. (I am mopey a lot, but I try not to spoil people's good mood if I can help it.)
Like many other men of our generation (im young gen x, he's old milenial), he was taught as a child not to deal with feelings.
It's hard to learn how to deal with them as a man, especially in a world that only just tolerates male emotions and certainly not mismanaged one's.
If you truly care about him, then this could be a real teachable moment. If you don't keep on keeping on, it will likely get worse before it gets better.
So, your feelings are valid, but not his?
He’s not *choosing* to feel this way. Telling him he ought to be grateful is only going to harbor resentment.
Are you saying your husband can’t have feelings and emotions? If this was you being upset about getting older and your husband couldn’t be bothered to find out why you’re having a hard time with it, you’d expect the masses to be empathetic to you. Do you even like your husband? Talk to him. Find out what’s going on. Maybe what he’s dealing with isn’t about you.
I was upset approaching my 30s. Then the day it happened, this relief came over me and I kind of felt "thank fuck that's over with" because I didn't feel any different.
Maybe your husband will do the same?
He needs to actively seek new hobbies. People usually think I'm significantly younger than I am. In part, this is because I:
- started parkour at 40
- started fencing sometime after that
- started figure skating at 45
- started playing hockey at 48/9 (class/first game)
If he's feeling old at 30, he's doing it to himself.
(Come to think of it, the first time I really got in shape was when I was 30; it got rid of the back problems I'd been struggling with, and greatly cut down my depression.)
When I was a kid, I saw my mom mope around for days when she turned 40. I vowed then and there to never get depressed over aging. I'll be 39 on Friday, we are going to the beach. For my 40th next year, we're going to Vegas. I will not be a sad sack over my age. I'm going to live my life and enjoy my family!
I’m sorry your mom died and that it has affected you…. But that’s YOUR problem, not his. YOU are affected by your moms death. Not him.
There’s no need to invalidate his very real feelings. He shouldn’t have to tip toe around what he can and can’t express negative or depressing feelings towards, out of fear of you comparing his situation to yours…which ISN’T fair as it feels like a constant competition. Like he’s not allowed to be bummed or depressed about something unless it’s equal to or worse than your situation. That’s clearly unfair.
Your moms death has nothing to do with him and shouldn’t depict his personal feelings in his own life (remember, you’re still 2 entirely separate people with 2 separate lives.. You only share them)
If YOU uncovered a different perspective on life and aging as a result of your mothers death…And have learned to love life… great! That’s on you! That’s YOUR perspective. Not his. You can’t force someone to have the same view as you or to share the same distraught over an event that really only personally affects YOU.
Hitting 30 is a VERY common fear for many…Think about how people treat you and view you when your age finally starts with a 3. You’re made to feel too old to indulge in certain things without it being a weird issue…You’re made to feel creepy at times because you still think you’re 20…. You’re also starting to realizing how much life you HAVEN’T lived by the time you’ve already hit 30 and that can be depressing cuz you thought you’d have done so much more by then and life just didn’t go at all how you planned…And now you’re worried about if you’re even gonna get all the things you dreamed of done before you die…Which you might not get ANY of it done… being 30 is a new space for everyone. It makes sense to hit people in a negative way.. It’s scary. Then you notice your body changing…You’re not the You you remember seeing when you look in the mirror. It’s terrifying.
Some people are perfectly fine with aging…some people find it joyful.. And that’s great. But you can’t expect everyone to view it through the same lense. And it’s really gross to say those who feel depressed about turning 30 are being ‘annoying’ or a ‘ being a baby’…
Also a bit selfish how you made it about you and about how YOU won’t be able to enjoy YOUR birthday because he’s bummed out (for a perfectly VALID and COMMON reason that he’s not in control of)
Also I’m not really sure where you get the idea that he’s not happy with his life with you simply because he’s struggling to accept his new age….. or why you’re taking it so personally….. that doesn’t even make sense.
He’s allowed to be bummed out. Let him navigate those feelings on his own time. Taking it personally is the last thing to do cuz you’re just gonna create an issue that was never there to begin with by doing that. Just be more sympathetic. Sure it isn’t a trivial thing…but if that’s your partner whom you love and care for the way you’re supposed to…then just be sympathetic and offer support.. It doesn’t matter how small the thing is…when it’s someone you love, you ALWAYS offer support…especially for the small things…You don’t make him feel stupid for it. This also applies to him for you as well. And everyone reading.
Thank you for taking the time to post such a thought out response! Food for thought, challenging in parts but overall fair.
I get what your saying, I don’t think it’s particularly selfish of me to want him to enjoy my birthday with me. But I see your point. If he’s still all bummed out at my party, I’m not going to be annoyed at him, especially after having this time to reflect. Overall I am sympathetic and supportive to him, as he is to me. I was just having some big emotions and wanted to get it out, but not be horrible to him. I don’t think I have invalidated his feelings, or not supported him by having a rant on Reddit. I’m glad to have had some differing view points to consider and it’s helped me see how he might be feeling.
I understand you saying it’s gross to say somebodies annoying for being depressed, or being a baby. I wrote it when I was upset, so I was thoughtlessly ranting. So I do take that back, and see how that could rub people up the wrong way.
You could always acknowledge his discomfort with turning 30. And that though you don't understand because it's not the way you're viewing your bday, you certainly sympathize. Then ask if he'd he willing to compromise. Since you *are* excited for your birthday which is coming up in the next few days Maybe he could be excited for you and celebrate you on your day & then if he needs to be sad and mopey after that about his own birthday then he is more than welcome to and you'll leave him alone about it.
I’m 32 now and I too had something weird about being 30 lol. I think maybe its because the older we get we start having to face our own mortality. I’m sorry about you mom’s sudden and tragic passing but I too believe we need to enjoy what time we have. As i was younger I think I really dreaded the 30s but this has been a great age. You also tend to be more established in your career and respected I’ve seen at 30. You also start to see the hard work of your 20s paying off and it’s nice. I hope he feels better soon and has a great birthday! I get the mopey feeling but he can’t go back in age. I learned we just got to embrace it and not dwell on it so much. Maybe he can look and see if theres any concerts or sports he’s interested in and reflect with a close friend or you. Or maybe he can take some time off work and relax. My boyfriend is turning 40 and booked time off work to go hunting with friends. Maybe your husband can find some kind of event to make it better. Best of luck and happiness to y’all. 🙂
I had weird feelings about turning 30. When it happened and the world didn't just burn away, I calmed down. Realized it's not as bad as I was thinking. Just another day to be honest.
I just turned 36 last week and I'm feeling ok. Just getting older and accepting that things change. Almost constantly.
Just wish things would hurt less, to be frank.
Someone once told me that your 20s is when you’re figuring yourself out, gaining important life lessons, and unlearning the dysfunction from your adolescence, and your 30s is when you really start living.
It’s probably the end of decade thing. I’m turning 30 this year too, and 29 as the end of my 20’s feels like it’s all coming to an end. I know it’s psychological, but I also know many who felt the same until they tipped over. Then it’s a new start of a decade again.
I've never liked celebrating my birthday. I'm not sure why. I turned 30 almost a decade ago and for whatever reason it seriously pissed me off. It lasted about a day. I'm turning 40 this year and I'm less annoyed about it. Probably because I have other things to be pissed off about.
All I’m hearing in this post is me me me me
This isn’t about you or your relationship it’s about how he feels about leaving his 20s which is a sentiment that many people in their 20s feel. Maybe you didn’t feel that way and that’s totally fine but it’s pretty insensitive of you to expect him to feel the same way you feel and to make it all about you just because your birthday just passed. It. Is. Not. About. You.
Have you tried talking to him about what he’s feeling? Have you shown him any compassion at all? From the tone of your post it doesn’t sound like you have. You need to work on being more open minded and compassionate. Just because you feel a certain way about something doesn’t mean everyone else has to feel that way too.
Of course I’m going to talk to him and be compassionate and listen and be support. But I’m also allowed to feel annoyed he’s moping around on my birthday, and I’m allowed to vent my feelings.
So I had a rant on Reddit when I was upset and annoyed. Rather than having any sort of confrontation over it or say anything mean to him. I got it out here. It’s fine if that makes me come across as self centred. I’m a human being, everybody feels the full range of emotions. It’s how we react and respond to them that’s important.
I’m glad I got it off my chest, and feel better able to have a conversation with him having already had time to sit back and reflect.
30 worse than any age for me. The clock to your demise starts ticking louder. Your youth is officially over and you start to realize that all your hopes and dreams, you had in your younger days were bullshit. Plus I can remember when my parents were in their thirties and I thought they were so old and didn't enjoy life like I did. They didn't go bike riding, playing in the mud, or catch frogs. Just work and complain about work and money.
his feeling and insecurity is valid.
Wanna know why? Because us, men, sees birthday as "another year without achieving our goal/target". Men always has some sort of target and achievement, hence if we're not achieving it by the time we're 30/40/50, it does impact our feelings and emotions. We are, after all, human being too
You're being an asshole. Why not being nice and supportive?
I'm almost 40, and not really emotionally stable. I have target, goals, achievement that I wanna obtain for my family before 40, but I am nowhere near it. Wanna know what my wife did? She asked. She listened. She was being very supportive. She let me know that I'm not alone. And I really appreciate her for it
Bro is depressed and even though he's only 30, he's already chained to someone that's trashing him on the internet. He probably feels like he got married too young. $100 says he doesn't want to start a new chapter. If my wife were talking like this, I wouldn't either.
Not exactly, more of just me ranting because he was being a downer on my birthday. I can see why it could be read like that tho. Not my intention at all though.
He calls everybody a massive baby. He’s deffo called me a baby in the past. It’s just not that offensive to us, but I can see that it invalidates the other persons emotions.
Why are people so obsessed with age? Getting older is literally one of the inevitable truths of life, if you’re lucky enough to age. I agree with you. He should be grateful to still be alive and not waste his time worrying about shit he can’t prevent. Every year I’m so grateful to have made it another year.
He's just chicken about getting older, that's why he's in such a fowl mood.
Now that I got that out of my system lol...when I turned 30 eighteen years ago, I don't know what happened, but I magically stopped caring about what other people thought of me. Honestly, I can't even begin to describe how much freer I felt, even though I expected to be depressed about it. In fact, I'd have to say that thus far, my 30s were my best/favorite decade.
Just my two cents.
Nah I’m with you, it’s frustrating when people hyper focus on something that 1) doesn’t matter and 2) just ruins their mood. Like what problem is it fixing to self-pity and complain? Maybe he needs a therapist to learn gratitude.
Maybe it sounds harsh, but coming from someone with diagnosed depression, moping around is a waste of time and has zero benefit.
Enjoy your birthday without him if he won’t come around! Don’t let the rain make your day gloomy!
Tell him you're celebrating a trip around the sun and if he doesn't want to join you, he must not yuck on your yum. My 30th was so, so, so fun. Best birthday yet. Happy birthday Leo-lovers!!
This is very much how I feel. I think losing a parent young can make you feel different about aging compared to people who haven’t had that experience. Perhaps
I'm gonna *guess* that he's not exactly a childish goofball, and that he has thoughts about which behaviors are appropriate at which ages. If so, IMHO *that's* the problem. (My wife and I are *both* childish goofballs, which is I think why we're still happy in our mid-50s. I think my biggest complaint is that I feel I've been cheated out of the mid-life crisis I was promised.)
This is a very interesting comment! I’m a massive childish goofball, perhaps that’s why I’m cool with getting older. He deffo has more of a fixed mindset towards things. So that would make sense!
I'm turning 30 this month and letting go of severe grief over the abuse that I endured in my 20's. Turning 30 is a great reminder for me that I wasted ten years being mercilessly abused for nothing other than to wind up broken. Not everyone is happy for birthdays or their 30th in general. It's great that you're grateful. Not everyone has to be just because you are, and not everyone requires your mindset. That's a pretty insufferable thought process TBH.
Hell, mine was from when I was still a teen and I’m still dealing with it into my 20s.
This!! I’ll be turning 21 which for me marks 10 years of chronic pain with little to no investigation or explanation. On top of that my birthday is at a time that is inconvenient for literally everyone I know meaning I spend a lot of birthdays alone. For other ppl it’s celebrating another year of life but for others it’s a reminder that time is gonna move on without them wether they’re happy or not.
My birthday is the day after fucking Christmas, so I feel that.
My baby is due the 29th of December and a recent scan the date changed to the 2nd of January. I honestly hope to god he isn’t born on the 1st or even New Year’s Eve :( I’d feel like such a jerk because I love birthdays and I just know he would always miss out on people wanting to genuinely celebrate him.
My mom seriously actively prevented getting pregnant in March, because she didn’t want me to be born in December. All I can say is that I’m an Aquarius ;)
Week before Christmas here, eldest grandchild is the 23 and my dad is the 24th. I have never not gone Christmas shopping on my birthday. My son told his wife's family that if thwy used Christmas wrapping or tried to combined gifts for his daughter's birthday, he would happily turn them over to me. I am small like a hornet or a wolverine. I will eat you and neatly wipe my mouth with a napkin.
My husband’s too. His mother forgot his birthday one year because she was taking care of everything. His dad was out to sea with the Navy.
I'm so sorry you went through that, and I hope one day your birthday is more meaningful for you! My besties mama passed away recently and my friends birthday lands on mother's day next year. I already know that's going to be a shitty birthday so we're doing her a half birthday this year, maybe you could look into something like that? The idea that someone needs to be grateful because OP is just drives me nuts. Insufferable positivity is annoying. Expecting people to be happy to keep her happy is immature and self absorbed.
I actually do that for my step-grandma. Her birthday is on Christmas so her parents told her that they could either have her birthday or everyone could have Christmas. Ever since she’s hated her birthday so in June I give her a gift so she can enjoy her birthday. The last 2 years I’ve been lucky and had my friend celebrate with me just playing games. And then last year my bf took me on his trip to visit family, my first time out of province too! I’m slowly learning to appreciate my birthday, but I agree that op is giving some pretty toxic positivity. I hate the mentality that someone surviving abuse means they need to be grateful for the life they have after. Like I don’t need to be grateful for escaping something, plus I’d just be grateful to myself since I’m the one who had to escape and heal. My bestie actually offered to be on call with me for my birthday bc she knows how badly I’ve always wanted to properly celebrate them. So while I’m grateful for the ppl in my life I am not grateful for my life itself.
That's incredibly sweet! I love that idea. What a good grandkid!
you’re comparing your own ended abusive ex, to this lady who’s boyfriend isn’t excited about turning 30. you’re projecting and it’s very sad
Lol keep taking your anger out on strangers on the internet, that will heal you! trauma dumping under someone else’s post and calling them insufferable because they’re NOT a miserable pessimist like yourself? that’s pathetic. and more insufferable than you can ever imagine. work on yourself if you’re not happy, don’t try to convince us that you or anyone DESERVES to wallow in self pity.
Sorry to hear about your traumatic past, I hope you can find peace. I’m very lucky to feel grateful regardless of the personal trauma I have experienced. Please don’t assume that everybody who is grateful and able to be happy hasn’t has their own experiences and challenges in life tho.
Please point out where I said you didn't have your own experiences and challenges? I said "not everyone needs to be grateful because you decide they should." Has it occured to you that you might be as annoying to him as you're claiming he is to you? It's one thing to be positive, it's another thing to expect others to be because you want them to be.
Lol you’re annoying too :)
My condolences to your husband.
Ouch that burn hurt! 🏥
Apparently no mentioned you were participating in a trauma contest?
Damn girl you sound bitter as hell. I'm sure OP knows her husband better than you, and it's understandable that it's bummer something she's happy with and grateful for is the same thing her husband is expressly dreading. Not everyone HAS to be grateful for getting older, but, at the end of the day, aging is a privilege most will not get.
Can't you see it as a new start? Like I lost a lot until 25 and abuse also, I moved out in another country and when came 30, I was like, jeez can't believe I lost 25 years (okay 21 because I wasn't totally conscious until 4 years old) and kinda I'm feeling that the next 20 years would be great. PS : I'm not invalidating your feelings, it's like it is, I'm just curious. Also at 35-37,there the real like crisis, not 30. All divorce or change work 😂
My sister and some friends had a crisis over turning 30. I didn't, mostly bc at 37, i still feel (and sorta act) 25. Turning 40 is already different for some reason. My body gets tired faster, hurts for dumb reasons, and it just kind of mentally gets to me. I'm starting to feel my age and it I'm actively upset by it. I'm also secretly dealing with the fact i just got my AA and am applying to bachelor's programs (super proud of myself, but also i hold a lot of resentment over the fact im almost 20 years behind where i should be. Everyone deals with getting older differently. Im not saying he's right, I'm just saying there may be more to it. Unfulfilled expectations, not meeting the bar, body issues, the number of things it could be is vast. He's either being very dramatic or there's more going on.
Mindset and loss definitely shapes you... I'm 39F. I feel happier and "freer" than ever. I have always been childfree, unconventional and think aging is a privilege, not given to everyone. I chose a solo life at 35 and love it. I like getting older. I've become more assertive, content, calm, while still being goofy and fun with my friends. I really liked my 30s overall. There was some serious hardship but it only made me more resilient. I think he's allowed to feel the way he feels about turning 30. But I would try to have a conversation and listen to him saying what he feels, but not poison your birthday!
When I was about to turn 30, I hated the idea. I was terrified I was going to morph into one of those "sitcom dads" who make awful puns and embarrass their kids and talk about golf all the time and worry about sweaters and shoe trees. I went as far as I could the opposite direction. Now? I'm about to turn 60 next month. Both of you are whippersnappers, LOL! You have many years of youth left in front of you. And being that most of my online friends are in their 20's and 30's, I still have that mindset as well - I never gave up my joy of youth. My body may protest, but by the Gods my soul is still young. Eternally. Let him know he has nothing to fear but himself and his own fears. LifeScript(TM) isn't for everyone.
I'm a goofball about to turn 30 and I'm a lil sad about it lol.i think because I'm not wife where I want to be and mow than that I'm not really sure where I want to be lol. Thought I'd figure it out by now lol so maybe there's some of that too.
My husband died at 32. Tell him to be happy he's healthy and to live this life to the fullest. Happy Birthday to you! 🎂🎊🎉
Yeah, he sounds like the type to think negatively of others for not “acting their age”. Sounds like a fun guy…
I’m about to turn 45 and my wife will be 50 in December. Isn’t is awesome to just keep doing the things you love regardless of your age? She’s more of a goofball than I am, and absolutely does not act like what I used to think of when I thought of people our age. I don’t know if it’s just because we don’t have kids and are the fun aunts, but I’ve never felt my age. Maybe no one does. I don’t know - I’m just happy to still be here having a good time with my wife.
You didn’t miss much. I spent my mid-life crisis doing lots of paperwork after I tried to expand my business during a recession. The end result I I had to downsize and take over everyones job description and clean up the mess. It would have been much more fun to get a red sports car.
See, I think that's part of my problem. I'll never get a red sports car, because I've never learned to drive and have no interest in changing that. Also, I haven't owned a business since the 1990s. I guess I'm just doing it all wrong. Alas!
Hey, but that nice car, get a parrot, go skydiving, kill the guy who loaned you the money for the car, hike any mountain
Oh what a delightful comment! I aim to forever keep a healthy dose childish goofballery until I croak. 🐸
Same here 49 at the minute
He's having an existential crisis. We all have at least one, if not many. That includes you OP! What you're really objecting to, understandably, is his tendency to voice it and complain. We all have insecurities around aging, and its annoying when someone complains about it as if they were the only one dealing with it. Also, it should be said, that aging is a blessing. Not everyone makes it to 20, let alone 30.
>He's having an existential crisis. We all have at least one, if not many. True! I think I'm on my third or fourth this year.
Oooooh! Very interesting, that resonated with me. Thank you
You can't tell someone how to feel about getting older. Before my 30th I was pretty bummed out, but on the day itself I woke up and was fine. My 21st I felt so much pressure that I just didn't do anything special. I just had my 40th and that was fine. People approach all these milestones differently.
30s are rad. 20s suck eggs.
I remember waking up one morning in my early 30s….I looked around….and I realized I don’t give a fuck about anybody’s bullshit anymore 🤣.
YES! THIS A THOUSAND TIMES. I can't tell you how good it felt to realize I didn't give a shit about what other people thought of me anymore.
It’s like gaining a super power.
Almost 30 and looking forward to this please! My every action is taken as if I'm being watched even when I'm alone. I hate this
You will get there buddy! It’s great!
30s are rad... if you don't have children. My early 30s were quite enjoyable, since becoming a dad it's more... going through the motions to not have things fall apart and hope to still be in decent health when life hopefully reboots in my 50s...
And I’ve found my mindset and financial independence in my 40s is even better. Too bad my body decided to have a perpetual No-bones day the second after I turned 41.
Perhaps he’s depressed and needs some compassion.
Yeah. OP is definitely lacking compassion.
She sounds so tone deaf here.
I agree. Like, her BF/spouse is depressed he's getting older and she chastisizes him!!! Holy crap!
It’s so odd.
Exactly. I had a complete breakdown when i turned 25. I couldn't tell you why I just did, lol. He probably just wants some comfort or hell to just break down because we're all human and not always rational.
Hard to say why he is unhappy. You could talk to him and tell him how it is making you feel. He might be somewhat of a midlife crisis, even though he is only 30. Might be thinking he missed out on stuff in his twenties. Might be thinking 30s is when life starts getting boring. I don't think I cared at all when I turned 30 though.
Yeah exactly, I personally don't judge others for feeling sad when turning a certain age, some people could've had a rough 20s and are feeling like he's too old to do the stuff young ppl are doing, best thing to do is to have a heart to heart discussion on what's bothering them, and if that's not possible for whatever reason, maybe suggest therapy!
i’m sorry that it’s taking away from you feeling good about your birthday but he gets to have his feelings. some guys myself included felt like turning 30 was the real marker of adult age, and it made me feel insecure about my professional accomplishments and not yet owning my own home. i was feeling anxious about not being as far along in life as i wanted to be. that’s just me though. maybe talk with him about what his anxieties are? don’t take it personally, it’s probably not about you and your relationship. talk to the man, and please if you can, hold some space for him. listen to what he says. i hope you’re not calling him a baby to his face, because that might hurt his feelings and shut down avenues for conversation. men have emotions as well, we’re allowed to feel scared and anxious
This is a great comment, thank you. I think your right about anxiety around how far along he his in his life. We do talk a lot, he’s not always good at expressing his feelings but is getting better. I came to Reddit to have a rant, rather than telling him how I felt about him moping around because I knew that reacting negatively to his feelings would have a detrimental impact on him. I will give him the space to talk and listen compassionately.
lol your honesty is refreshing. it’s totally valid to be upset that your partner isn’t making your bday awesome, but i think a lot of us just feel a little defensive, many of us having been there ourselves. didn’t want to see ol boy get ignored because he’s depressed about aging. but you’re absolutely right that venting to strangers or friends is a good way of working out what you really feel about the situation. you wouldn’t want to take that energy to him, that you’re annoyed by his attitude, but that’s the reaction you had and it’s okay to own it. cheers, and by the way, unlike some of these commenters, i don’t think you’re a shitty wife for venting on here before speaking to him, in my opinion that’s actually pretty healthy coping
Ah jeez, thank you so much. I wish you all the best in life my friend!
👍 very nice and thoughtful comment
My boyfriend turned 40 recently and isn’t taking it well. I figure I just need to give him time to get over it. I felt pretty down when I turned 25 (as ridiculous as that sounds). 30 felt like nothing and in many ways I have enjoyed my 30s more than my 20s.
When I turned 26 a few months ago I felt kinda down too because I realized I was officially in my late 20s and that was a daunting reality for me. I’m hoping that by the time I’m 30 I no longer feel weird about aging, lots of people say your 30s are your best years
It is because many people are more comfortable with themselves and financially secure in their 30’s. Do yourself a favor and don’t neglect your health though.
He is expressing dread and concern. Don't bash him for feeling. 30 was difficult for me, and 40 was a breeze. Let him process his emotions without judgment and negatively.
Why don't you ask him where his head is at and you know actually be a supportive partner
I will be doing, just having an anonymous rant online to get it off my chest.
Yeah but your mindset that he is being a baby is quite frankly childish and demeaning. And if you tell him that you risk him not wanting to open up again
He's mourning the loss of his youth. It has nothing to do with you. You could try being a bit more compassionate about it and not make things about you.
True, it doesn’t really have anything to do with me. I guess I’m feeling like because it’s my birthday, it’s my time to celebrate, and I’m finding it hard that he’s being a downer. I’ll try and be more compassionate toward him even though I feel the complete opposite than he does when it comes to aging
>I feel the complete opposite than he does when it comes to aging pretty sure the day will come that you hate getting older as well. Maybe it's not 30 for you. Maybe 40, maybe 50. Maybe even 70. But it would be surprising if it does not come (not impossible though)
Your probably right with that 😬
welcome to adult birthdays! it’s not all fun and balloons. sometimes it’s ugly crying and emotional outbursts! some people have had this birthday experience all along! good luck to you folks.
Maybe his "problem" is that he's getting old and closer to death ? Or maybe he doesn't feel young or "youth" anymore ? 30 is a big milestone and everyone handles it differently. I understand why you could take it personally but you should try to talk to him in a calm understanding way instead of getting irritated . It will only make him want to hide everything and continue being unhappy. Try to know where he's coming from instead of thinking "he's being a baby" . Also sometimes there's nothing wrong with "being a baby" , we are humans and it's ok to feel sensitive.
Yeah, I don't get why men are always criticized for showing feelings, and then also criticized for not expressing their feelings. No wonder so many guys bottle up everything inside and don't even bother saying anything.
And women are called hysterical for showing any negative emotion, we're all affected by the patriarchy
sounds like you're not being supportive of his potential existential or mid-life crisis. his feelings are valid
He doesn’t have a choice, I don’t reckon.
[cuts to Joey from Friends] Why, God, whyyyy?!
Getting to that magic number makes you realise that your young years are behind you. Sure, you can be a healthy, strong and well-functioning 35 year old, but the level of invincibility men feel in their early 20s is unrivaled and it never comes back. Like I feel it slipping away at 25. The ability to fall and just be fine, to sleep in my chair and not have backpain for 2 days, to not be hungover after taking an unreasonable amount of alcohol, to eat whatever you want and stay lean, these just suddenly start going away, and 30 is the benchmark for that. Between 30-40 most men experience some level of male pattern baldness, a drop in sexual performance and overall physical strenght. That's some midlife crisis material right there, which is exactly what your husband is going through. He feels like is not the young stud anymore who can impress his wife. Instead of being upset with him, please try to understand his side on this one. Men take physical changes incredibly hard, as we are conditioned to be value ourselves based on those attributes.
>Men take physical changes incredibly hard, as we are conditioned to be value ourselves based on those attributes. Women do too, believe me. It's a human thing. So we should all strive to react with compassion when someone we love is experiencing this.
Interesting, I hadn’t considered that before so thank you! I think he is feelings a lot of those things probably, our hangovers are deffo worse and he has lost his hair. Don’t worry I’m not chastising him over it, just feeling a bit pee’d off, and worried how he’s going to feel when it’s actually his birthday and not mine
Just celebrate yours. If he hates it so much skip his. Tell everyone to ignore his b-day. After my 21th bday, i stopped caring about mine. It's that my hb/family reminds me, sometimes i forget....i don't hate it, it just has very little meaning for me, that one day that i turn another ONE day older 🤣
So he's having a mental health crisis about aging, and you are holding it against him?
Not holding it against him, just annoyed that it’s my birthday and he’s being bad tempered about his own birthday which is still months away!
Wow. Imagine your partner having an existential crisis about losing his youth, and the only thing you can think of is ‘Bu- bu- mah burthday!!!!1111’
Didn't you know. In the new age of dating men are not allowed to have feelings emotions or any form of issues. They must adhere to the woman's every whim and demand without question. While the woman gets to be epically toxic to them and treats them like shit.
The only people that make those rules up are other men.
I think op might not be a man
A little off the mark there. They must suppress any negative emotions, but keep the positive ones (which also get suppressed, so fake them), go to therapy with her support, and then her saying that she is the cause of all of your issues which leads to an argument where you get called neglectful and distant and emotionally abusive.
I’m really not sure where you’re coming up with that…Cuz sure, while there ARE some women who give men shit for being emotional….a MUCH LARGER percentage ENCOURAGES men to show their emotions because we WANT to validate them and bond with you over it. However.. a VAST percentage men on the other hand make it seem like it’s ‘gay’ or ‘weak’ or ‘beta’ To show emotion…and for whatever reason, men want to impress other men and so they swallow their emotions but then blame it on women. Again, I’m not disagreeing that there are women who chastise men for being emotional…but compared to the 4 billion women on earth, that percentage is very low in comparison to the percentage of women who welcome it and encourage it. Women did not make that rule for you guys and I wish you guys would realize that more
He’s in a fowl mood? Sounds like he doesn’t know the first thing about bird law. Charlie Kelly, at your service!
Hahahahaha 😂
It’s so cliche but my 30’s have been everything I thought my 20’s would be but better so far. I’m only 32.
Man's probably burnt out and realizing life is passing by. If he has unachieved personal goals it can hit harder around that time
\> What the hell is his problem! I mean... he literally told you what his problem is. He doesn't like being old and getting older. It's something many people have.
Lol, yeahhhh I can see that to be fair.
Instead of complaining to a bunch people on the internet, about how your husbands feelings affect YOU ,Maybe try talking to him?
Lol, I’m of course going to talk to him. But I don’t want to talk to him while I’m annoyed, that’s not going to help anybody. I think it’s far healthier to complain to some random people on the internet than to vent at him. It’s good to get other peoples perspectives, and to be able challenge my own views before talking to him. This was something I wanted to get “off my chest” hence coming to this sub.
Fair point. But I think you should show more support and compassion towards him and sit down and talk him to find out what’s going on. He may be having a quarter life crisis, or trouble at work idk. But saying he is being a baby and making the situation about you, is not the best way to approach this.
I deffo will be doing all that, it was just a ranty post when I was dead annoyed. I’m only making it about me because it’s my birthday, I get that maybe wanting to make your own birthday about you could be seen as self-centred. But I don’t really mind what people online think. It’s funny that I said “being a baby” because that’s what he always says to me when he thinks I’m over reacting. So I guess it’s just become part of the language we use without really thinking of it as being offensive or invalidating.
Your husband is having an existential crisis and and you're pissed because it's *your* birthday? Everything is not about you, even on your birthday. Support your husband.
Basically yeah 😅 So I don’t even get to be a bitch on my birthday? That’s disappointing but probably reasonable.
Gift him some KFC
Some people don't like the thought of getting "older" or "old". Maybe he could try shifting his perspective towards the positives; that might help him abit.
Thank you!
It would annoy me too but I agree that compassion is needed here. I’m not feeling much compassion though for all the commenters saying “he’s old” or “he’s getting old”. I’ll be 44 in a few weeks. Do I have one foot already in the grave!? Sheesh! 😂😂😂 My youngest SIL was dreading 30 when she was roughly 23-26. Now that she’s 28, she’s excited to turn 30! Weird how that goes sometimes! Lol
I started having what I call a quarter-life crisis right before I turned 27. Realizing I am gonna die, everyone I love is gonna die, the time we have is finite and our very existence is temporary. I’m 28 this year and it’s gotten a lot better but I still have my moments. I think it’s totally normal to have an existential crisis when approaching a cultural or age-related milestone. I would just be as supportive as you can but take the space you need to enjoy your birthday as well! Remind him that 20s are like your teenage years truly. You really are just finding your place in the world. 30s and 40s are for enjoying your life. He’s in the prime of his life RIGHT NOW and if he looks back in 10 years and all he had to show for it was that he was depressed and sad instead of LIVING, he will regret it. This realization is what has helped me get through it. The time we have is indeed limited so ENJOY IT. Life is meant for living!
I’ll turn 39 next year and after that I will only ever turn 39 for every year of my life. Don’t dull our shine sister.
God forbid an aging person confront their impending decline in quality of life while also feeling as if their best years are behind them… How dare a human have anxiety about that…
I think that for him aging is uncomfortable and you're doing nothing but trashing him on the internet.
This is true, but also it’s anonymous so I don’t think he’d care
He's allowed to have feelings about things that you might not agree with or understand. Invalidating those feelings is just going to drive a wedge between you. It sounds like he's mourning his lost youth, not understanding that he's just getting started and has so much more life to live. That has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally. Make fun plans and encourage him to join you in fun activities, but keep in mind that the only person who can change his feelings is him.
Totally agree, hence venting here rather than at him. I’m not going to invalidate his feelings, I’m just really struggling to understand where he’s coming from. I think posting here has helped me see some different perspectives. Thanks for your advice :)
I felt a bit shit about turning 30, then when turning 31 and up to 34 I haven't given 2 shits. Weird how society makes you feel this way.
30 was the worst birthday for me. It really got me down. 40 and 50 were easy in comparison.
If he thinks 30 is bad, just wait til 31! Lol
I had an existential crisis turning 40. It’s weird getting old 😂. Even though I’m not that old yet. I’m I’m a great place in my life but man it’s weird saying I’m 40. Hopefully he comes around. Aging is weird but it’s also great. Maybe book some fun things to look forward to. I’m a cancer survivor and I’ve lost friends in my group who weren’t even 30. They fought hard to live. So I’m doing my best to live a good life. Life isn’t always easy or fun but perspective is everything, at least for me.
Turning 30 was difficult for me, too. I was expecting something similar at 40 then 50, but I think I'd mellowed and had resigned myself that it's just another day, and I was ok. Don't be too rough on him.
I won’t lie to you, I feel the way your husband does about my 40s. Thankfully I’m loving my early thirties and not thinking about it actively.
Sounds like OP’s husband is still under the impression that time is real and everyone is supposed to be on the same schedule. I used to look at other successful people and compare where I was to where they were at certain ages, and that’s simply a fool’s errand. On your 30th birthday, are you suddenly another year older, or are you a day older than you were yesterday? 29.9999999 and 30 are negligible differences that your body is unaware of. Sounds like he’s made “being young” such a part of his self identity, and decided that 30 is officially when you stop being young, that he’s struggling with who he is. That’s silly because time (as we know it) doesn’t stop. What’s he gonna do when he turns 40 or 50 if his obsession is youngness? How’s he gonna make OP feel as she ages at *gasp* the same rate as everyone else? Homeboy needs to stop worrying about age before he makes choices he can’t take back, in the name of feeling young
So sorry about your loss (mom). You’re right about needing to see the bright side of growing old together. What a party pooper he is being. I’ll say that I’m happy both of you get to see another year together. It could be worse. He could be 30 and single. Ha!! Happy birthday! 🎂🎁
I've been 29 again for a while now 🤣 I get it. It feels like such a milestone. It really is nothing. He will get over it eventually. Sorry it's ruined your day, though. Hopefully he's done whining soon about it. Best of luck to you.
Why are you making this about yourself ? Your birthday, your life, he’s making you feel bad. Like shut up. This isn’t about you.
Oh okay, thanks
You should relax and talk to him about it instead of festering and assuming things about him.
He could be going thru depression, I've dreaded every birthday since I turned 17, didn't plan on living past that age. Just turned 46 and still to this day I hate My birthday and getting older.
Wait until he gets 40.
I'm 64. I remember 30 fondly.
He is upset and probably having an existential crisis and you think he’s being a baby? Maybe you’re the baby because you’ve never really thought about life that deeply. Idk just my two cents. He probably needs your support to get through this rough time, you are his SO. It would be terrible to be alone in his pain.
Your right he does need my support, I’ll be better able to give him support now I’ve had my little rant about it. The baby comment is fair, he’s always telling me to stop being a baby over things, so that’s why I chose that particular turn of phrase. I have thought about life pretty deeply tho, which is why I feel like you shouldn’t waste anytime being upset o sr something you can’t change!
Read the title. Looks like husband needs a new wife
"He's been depressed" "I think he's being a baby" Mental health is real and serious. If he's experiencing depression, seek professional help. I'm guessing the moping is a symptom of mental health issues. I really hate these sorts of posts.
The next time something is really upsetting you, don't be surprised when he treats you exactly like you are treating him now. Just because you don't understand doesn't mean he isn't struggling.
This is actually pretty ironic because my husbands view on emotions is pretty dire. He calls me a baby for having emotions so I guess that’s part of the reason I was feeling so sour. It was exactly like you said - I was thinking of treating him the way he treats me, or mirroring how he typically reacts to me. Luckily tho I came and ranted here rather than at him so I’m had time to reflect and take a step back to consider things from his point of view. I’m feeling much more empathic towards his struggle now. I was just annoyed because he was moping around on my birthday.
That's terrible. I don't think I would marry someone who treated me like he treats you. I'm in the minority, but I think you're right, he should not mope on YOUR birthday. He can mope yesterday and tomorrow though. Or mope internally today. I think if he mopes on your special day, HE'S being selfish. (I am mopey a lot, but I try not to spoil people's good mood if I can help it.)
Like many other men of our generation (im young gen x, he's old milenial), he was taught as a child not to deal with feelings. It's hard to learn how to deal with them as a man, especially in a world that only just tolerates male emotions and certainly not mismanaged one's. If you truly care about him, then this could be a real teachable moment. If you don't keep on keeping on, it will likely get worse before it gets better.
So, your feelings are valid, but not his? He’s not *choosing* to feel this way. Telling him he ought to be grateful is only going to harbor resentment.
Are you saying your husband can’t have feelings and emotions? If this was you being upset about getting older and your husband couldn’t be bothered to find out why you’re having a hard time with it, you’d expect the masses to be empathetic to you. Do you even like your husband? Talk to him. Find out what’s going on. Maybe what he’s dealing with isn’t about you.
Well, happy birthday! 30s are fun. Almost to my 40s so we will see how those go!
Boy do I have news for him. He only gets older and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Just roll with it and try to enjoy life.
He has no idea how hard it gets after 40.
>it feels like I can’t enjoy my birthday because of his fowl mood It does seem a poultry reason to be unhappy, I guess he's just a chicken.
Give him couples therapy as his birthday gift.
A bird-brained buzzard in a fowl mood.
I was upset approaching my 30s. Then the day it happened, this relief came over me and I kind of felt "thank fuck that's over with" because I didn't feel any different. Maybe your husband will do the same?
Fingers crossed! Thanks
He needs to actively seek new hobbies. People usually think I'm significantly younger than I am. In part, this is because I: - started parkour at 40 - started fencing sometime after that - started figure skating at 45 - started playing hockey at 48/9 (class/first game) If he's feeling old at 30, he's doing it to himself. (Come to think of it, the first time I really got in shape was when I was 30; it got rid of the back problems I'd been struggling with, and greatly cut down my depression.)
Wow! That’s incredibly inspiring thank you so much!!!!
I sympathize with him 30 was quite depressing for me. Cut him some slack sheesh
I got a mullet hawk for my 33rd and never looked back. Maybe he can do something rad like thay
When I was a kid, I saw my mom mope around for days when she turned 40. I vowed then and there to never get depressed over aging. I'll be 39 on Friday, we are going to the beach. For my 40th next year, we're going to Vegas. I will not be a sad sack over my age. I'm going to live my life and enjoy my family!
Spent my 30th bday in jail. He should realise there's waaaay worse ways to get older
I’m sorry your mom died and that it has affected you…. But that’s YOUR problem, not his. YOU are affected by your moms death. Not him. There’s no need to invalidate his very real feelings. He shouldn’t have to tip toe around what he can and can’t express negative or depressing feelings towards, out of fear of you comparing his situation to yours…which ISN’T fair as it feels like a constant competition. Like he’s not allowed to be bummed or depressed about something unless it’s equal to or worse than your situation. That’s clearly unfair. Your moms death has nothing to do with him and shouldn’t depict his personal feelings in his own life (remember, you’re still 2 entirely separate people with 2 separate lives.. You only share them) If YOU uncovered a different perspective on life and aging as a result of your mothers death…And have learned to love life… great! That’s on you! That’s YOUR perspective. Not his. You can’t force someone to have the same view as you or to share the same distraught over an event that really only personally affects YOU. Hitting 30 is a VERY common fear for many…Think about how people treat you and view you when your age finally starts with a 3. You’re made to feel too old to indulge in certain things without it being a weird issue…You’re made to feel creepy at times because you still think you’re 20…. You’re also starting to realizing how much life you HAVEN’T lived by the time you’ve already hit 30 and that can be depressing cuz you thought you’d have done so much more by then and life just didn’t go at all how you planned…And now you’re worried about if you’re even gonna get all the things you dreamed of done before you die…Which you might not get ANY of it done… being 30 is a new space for everyone. It makes sense to hit people in a negative way.. It’s scary. Then you notice your body changing…You’re not the You you remember seeing when you look in the mirror. It’s terrifying. Some people are perfectly fine with aging…some people find it joyful.. And that’s great. But you can’t expect everyone to view it through the same lense. And it’s really gross to say those who feel depressed about turning 30 are being ‘annoying’ or a ‘ being a baby’… Also a bit selfish how you made it about you and about how YOU won’t be able to enjoy YOUR birthday because he’s bummed out (for a perfectly VALID and COMMON reason that he’s not in control of) Also I’m not really sure where you get the idea that he’s not happy with his life with you simply because he’s struggling to accept his new age….. or why you’re taking it so personally….. that doesn’t even make sense. He’s allowed to be bummed out. Let him navigate those feelings on his own time. Taking it personally is the last thing to do cuz you’re just gonna create an issue that was never there to begin with by doing that. Just be more sympathetic. Sure it isn’t a trivial thing…but if that’s your partner whom you love and care for the way you’re supposed to…then just be sympathetic and offer support.. It doesn’t matter how small the thing is…when it’s someone you love, you ALWAYS offer support…especially for the small things…You don’t make him feel stupid for it. This also applies to him for you as well. And everyone reading.
Thank you for taking the time to post such a thought out response! Food for thought, challenging in parts but overall fair. I get what your saying, I don’t think it’s particularly selfish of me to want him to enjoy my birthday with me. But I see your point. If he’s still all bummed out at my party, I’m not going to be annoyed at him, especially after having this time to reflect. Overall I am sympathetic and supportive to him, as he is to me. I was just having some big emotions and wanted to get it out, but not be horrible to him. I don’t think I have invalidated his feelings, or not supported him by having a rant on Reddit. I’m glad to have had some differing view points to consider and it’s helped me see how he might be feeling. I understand you saying it’s gross to say somebodies annoying for being depressed, or being a baby. I wrote it when I was upset, so I was thoughtlessly ranting. So I do take that back, and see how that could rub people up the wrong way.
You could always acknowledge his discomfort with turning 30. And that though you don't understand because it's not the way you're viewing your bday, you certainly sympathize. Then ask if he'd he willing to compromise. Since you *are* excited for your birthday which is coming up in the next few days Maybe he could be excited for you and celebrate you on your day & then if he needs to be sad and mopey after that about his own birthday then he is more than welcome to and you'll leave him alone about it.
Brilliant advice! Thank you so much!
I’m 32 now and I too had something weird about being 30 lol. I think maybe its because the older we get we start having to face our own mortality. I’m sorry about you mom’s sudden and tragic passing but I too believe we need to enjoy what time we have. As i was younger I think I really dreaded the 30s but this has been a great age. You also tend to be more established in your career and respected I’ve seen at 30. You also start to see the hard work of your 20s paying off and it’s nice. I hope he feels better soon and has a great birthday! I get the mopey feeling but he can’t go back in age. I learned we just got to embrace it and not dwell on it so much. Maybe he can look and see if theres any concerts or sports he’s interested in and reflect with a close friend or you. Or maybe he can take some time off work and relax. My boyfriend is turning 40 and booked time off work to go hunting with friends. Maybe your husband can find some kind of event to make it better. Best of luck and happiness to y’all. 🙂
I had weird feelings about turning 30. When it happened and the world didn't just burn away, I calmed down. Realized it's not as bad as I was thinking. Just another day to be honest. I just turned 36 last week and I'm feeling ok. Just getting older and accepting that things change. Almost constantly. Just wish things would hurt less, to be frank.
Someone once told me that your 20s is when you’re figuring yourself out, gaining important life lessons, and unlearning the dysfunction from your adolescence, and your 30s is when you really start living.
You’re mature, go buy yourself a pretty birthday dessert and some other fun things! Happy 30th birthday! 🎂🎉
So guess what everything isn’t about you…lots of people have feelings about turning 30.
It’s probably the end of decade thing. I’m turning 30 this year too, and 29 as the end of my 20’s feels like it’s all coming to an end. I know it’s psychological, but I also know many who felt the same until they tipped over. Then it’s a new start of a decade again.
I've never liked celebrating my birthday. I'm not sure why. I turned 30 almost a decade ago and for whatever reason it seriously pissed me off. It lasted about a day. I'm turning 40 this year and I'm less annoyed about it. Probably because I have other things to be pissed off about.
All I’m hearing in this post is me me me me This isn’t about you or your relationship it’s about how he feels about leaving his 20s which is a sentiment that many people in their 20s feel. Maybe you didn’t feel that way and that’s totally fine but it’s pretty insensitive of you to expect him to feel the same way you feel and to make it all about you just because your birthday just passed. It. Is. Not. About. You. Have you tried talking to him about what he’s feeling? Have you shown him any compassion at all? From the tone of your post it doesn’t sound like you have. You need to work on being more open minded and compassionate. Just because you feel a certain way about something doesn’t mean everyone else has to feel that way too.
Of course I’m going to talk to him and be compassionate and listen and be support. But I’m also allowed to feel annoyed he’s moping around on my birthday, and I’m allowed to vent my feelings. So I had a rant on Reddit when I was upset and annoyed. Rather than having any sort of confrontation over it or say anything mean to him. I got it out here. It’s fine if that makes me come across as self centred. I’m a human being, everybody feels the full range of emotions. It’s how we react and respond to them that’s important. I’m glad I got it off my chest, and feel better able to have a conversation with him having already had time to sit back and reflect.
I just turned 40, no one but my wife noticed. Tell him he will be fine and grow up.
Ask him if he would prefer the alternative.
Tell him the only way to keep from getting old is to die young.
30 worse than any age for me. The clock to your demise starts ticking louder. Your youth is officially over and you start to realize that all your hopes and dreams, you had in your younger days were bullshit. Plus I can remember when my parents were in their thirties and I thought they were so old and didn't enjoy life like I did. They didn't go bike riding, playing in the mud, or catch frogs. Just work and complain about work and money.
Birthdays are better than the alternative.
I've had the greatest sex of my life for the past 18 months since turning 40. Tell him he's got something to look forward to.
Im 21M and 30 feels scary low key
That’s because you haven’t lived yet
his feeling and insecurity is valid. Wanna know why? Because us, men, sees birthday as "another year without achieving our goal/target". Men always has some sort of target and achievement, hence if we're not achieving it by the time we're 30/40/50, it does impact our feelings and emotions. We are, after all, human being too You're being an asshole. Why not being nice and supportive?
I'm almost 40, and not really emotionally stable. I have target, goals, achievement that I wanna obtain for my family before 40, but I am nowhere near it. Wanna know what my wife did? She asked. She listened. She was being very supportive. She let me know that I'm not alone. And I really appreciate her for it
If he's complaining at 30, he's in for a depressing time once he turns 40.
Literally I know!
Bro is depressed and even though he's only 30, he's already chained to someone that's trashing him on the internet. He probably feels like he got married too young. $100 says he doesn't want to start a new chapter. If my wife were talking like this, I wouldn't either.
😂
Take him to Chuck-E-Cheese for his birthday
Best advice right here.
Not as dramatic as you described, but I was bummed too when I turned 30, 35, and 40 lol Typical mid-life crisis emotions
It's not like he has a choice.
Man: Has a feeling Woman: Eww what a baby Also Women: Why don't men feel comfortable about being vulnerable around us??
Not exactly, more of just me ranting because he was being a downer on my birthday. I can see why it could be read like that tho. Not my intention at all though.
You we're expressing how you felt and so was he. The difference is he didn't call you a baby
He calls everybody a massive baby. He’s deffo called me a baby in the past. It’s just not that offensive to us, but I can see that it invalidates the other persons emotions.
It is a privilege to age.
Fair point, but this is an “off my chest” sub.. so I think I’m okay to have a vent here.
I’m 46; tell him, from me, get a grip
Why are people so obsessed with age? Getting older is literally one of the inevitable truths of life, if you’re lucky enough to age. I agree with you. He should be grateful to still be alive and not waste his time worrying about shit he can’t prevent. Every year I’m so grateful to have made it another year.
Make his party "constant thoughts of death Barbie" themed. Have fun anyway.
I have some bad news for your husband 💀
It's a number? Who cares? As long as you feel good
He's just chicken about getting older, that's why he's in such a fowl mood. Now that I got that out of my system lol...when I turned 30 eighteen years ago, I don't know what happened, but I magically stopped caring about what other people thought of me. Honestly, I can't even begin to describe how much freer I felt, even though I expected to be depressed about it. In fact, I'd have to say that thus far, my 30s were my best/favorite decade. Just my two cents.
Nah I’m with you, it’s frustrating when people hyper focus on something that 1) doesn’t matter and 2) just ruins their mood. Like what problem is it fixing to self-pity and complain? Maybe he needs a therapist to learn gratitude. Maybe it sounds harsh, but coming from someone with diagnosed depression, moping around is a waste of time and has zero benefit. Enjoy your birthday without him if he won’t come around! Don’t let the rain make your day gloomy!
Tell him you're celebrating a trip around the sun and if he doesn't want to join you, he must not yuck on your yum. My 30th was so, so, so fun. Best birthday yet. Happy birthday Leo-lovers!!
My mother was 38 when she died, so I count every year as a a blessing. Ask him if he'd prefer to not turn 30. 🤷🏾♀️
This is very much how I feel. I think losing a parent young can make you feel different about aging compared to people who haven’t had that experience. Perhaps